David’s Dream Girl

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. This entire podcast is going to be, um, recorded underwater. Jason and I are in the bath. What sound is that?

Oh, you said bath at the last minute. I was thinking like way under the sea.

Let's just roll intro music.

Can you stop wearing my Flippers.

Maybe you don't fucking hide mine.

I don't hide yours. I don't know where yours are. I don't care about your fucking slippers.

Yeah, I don't know where they are either.

So why are you yelling about it right now?

Because it's insane how we always— literally, that's insane. I threw my old ones at him, right, because I was mad at him, and then he got a new pair for himself and he's still wearing mine.

You're being so dramatic.

I'm not dramatic.

You're doing it again with the mic.

I am not being dramatic.

Yeah, bro, it's like his hand is like— why can't you just hold it up to your mouth? It's It's so easy.

It's like he's holding a pen and twirling it through his fingers.

Can I just put it in my mouth?

Put the fucking puff on, you dumb fuck. All right. What's your story? Let's just start here.

We were talking about like, like high school and homework last week. And while we got high, I remembered something that I used to do when my report cards would come in to my house.

Report cards?

What?

She's such a jerk.

Yeah, both of them are, man.

Oh, the two of them. They tag team me all the time.

No, we're not.

I'm glad you're here because you get all the ire now.

I spaced out. I didn't know what you said. But was it stupid, Natalie? What did he say?

He goes, when I got my report card.

What an idiot.

Thanks for filling me in.

Wow. Thank God I know what fucking happened.

I'm not telling you.

I'm never looking at you the same way again.

Go fuck yourself.

After the way you said report cards, I'm never looking at you the same way. Okay, tell your story.

Go. Anyways, I'm back. When I would get my report cards in high school, I would obviously have really bad grades. And I didn't want my parents to get mad, right? What, what, what are you gonna say? What can you possibly say?

Nothing. I'm just glad that you admit that you would get bad grades.

What do you mean? You— I knew that I had bad grades. You knew that, right?

Right.

But it's just nice.

Doesn't mean you're— I'm a dumb person.

Okay, I'm not arguing anymore.

Fuck you. So I would have bad grades and I didn't want my parents to get mad, so I would take the report card and I would completely type it out on like Word, like Microsoft Word, like make it— I Identical.

No way. This is a lie.

Deadass. Well, I would make it identical to the report cards that they would send, and I would change my grades, and I'd print it out, and I'd show my parents my fake grades.

Really?

Oh my God.

What would you change your grades to?

I wouldn't go crazy. I wouldn't— it's not like A, A, A, A, A. There's nothing crazy. Like, it's like they're wondering why I didn't get into fucking Illinois State.

Hey, you weren't accepted to community college. You had straight A's for all 4 years. What happened? You write your parents a letter from the principal just like, Ilya is the best student in this entire school. Your parents are like on a power trip. They're like, what the fuck?

Um, no, I'd write like, like if I had like a D, I'd write like a C, and I still get heat for it, you know?

So I'm like, damn. Oh yeah, that's funny. You would do that? How many times did you do that?

Honestly, I did that honestly like 3 different, like 3 different, um quarters or semesters, whatever, whatever the report cards would come out to, like 3 times.

And then what happened when you took your SATs?

We didn't have SATs.

We had ACTs, but I did poorly on that. I got a 21. What did you get?

I think I got a 27.

It's really good, actually.

Thank you. What did you get?

I got a 30.

Oh, wow. She was also a loser.

Right, right.

I thought Natalie went to more parties than you in high school, though.

I did.

Yeah, but she's still like a loser.

Okay. Right.

Like, like a follower. Like a really popular loser.

You're right.

Like, I kind of was like the popular loser.

Yeah, that is a good way to put it. I think it's her mom that brought her down.

Okay.

Coming around.

I remember. I remember coming around.

Yeah. Showing up at parties.

Yes, dude.

Literally favorite story.

Oh, you know the story?

Wait, it happened to you too?

Yeah. We were at a fucking party at Sloane's house.

Oh, yeah.

And Nat's mom comes storming in, like, all pissed off. Where's Natalie? I remember just walking up the stairs like, I'm not going back down there.

So, so I'm doing this Discovery show, Dodgeball Thunderdome. It premiered yesterday. We hyped it up. It was a lot of fun. Um, it's fun for the whole family, laugh out loud hilarious. Um, but as we were shooting the show, the CEO of the studio came in that's like running the show. I've never met him in my life. And he came in like, this was the one time he was on set, and he came in, it was just me in the trailer, and he goes, He goes, I'm so excited for this. Like, super sweet dude. He's like, and then, and then he's like, don't mean to put pressure on you, but a lot of people, a lot of people are trying to see if this is going to work. There's a lot of doubters, a lot of naysayers out there. So there's a lot of, a lot of pressure on you here. But he said it in like the nicest way, right? But in like a way where I'm like, oh, fuck. Like, he was so nice. So nice. Like, I have to say that. But But yeah, so I was like, oh great, I'm like really nervous. And then he called me this morning after the premiere and he was like, you fucking killed it.

Wow.

Yeah, he was like, dude, I've never heard anybody, any adult be this excited about anything my entire life.

Really?

He's like, I never get excited, you will never hear me this excited in my entire life. I am fucking thrilled, the network is thrilled, you guys blew it out of the park, thank your team, thank everybody involved. Wow. He was so excited, they were like, They're like, huge. Yeah. They're like, we like surpassed our expectations by so much. And like, wow. He's like, like as the show kept going, it kept growing every quarter too. So like the viewership was just increasing as the show was going on and it ended. Yeah. And it did better than a lot of their big shows.

So that's huge.

But he was so—

did you ever think you'd be a part of Discovery?

I just thought it was funny to get like that kind of call.

Sure.

Like, you know, like I was in my backyard and I was, I was like, just staring at the view, like, randomly when I got the call. And like, and then that's when, you know, I get a call from like this huge exec and he's like, you fucking killed it. The show's a success. The network is happy. Like, it was like the most cliché, like, Hollywood call ever.

Cut to like 6 months from now. You have your own, like, safari show.

Yeah, I'm all in to fucking Discovery. I don't do anything but Discovery. I'm just like, yeah, food tasting show. I'm exploring the fucking pyramids in Egypt. That would be a really cool show. Like Leaving America. Like you could call it— you could call Leaving America and it's me leaving America and I can never return because of DACA.

That would be really cool.

That'd be a really cool thing to watch. That's a good— that's a good start to every show. Like, I left America and I can never come back. But yeah, the show did good. So watch it every Wednesday because then I won't lose my job. This girl Jessica, she's like, she's been a big supporter of us for a while. She DM'd me, she goes, I have a great podcast topic for whenever you record the next one. She goes, if there was a way to experience death, for example drowning or being burned alive, but you would wake up from that death as if nothing happened, would you try it? I responded, are you nuts? I was like, no way. I mean, I'm— this question is to you guys. Does anybody feel differently about what I said? If you could experience death but wake up in the morning and nothing happened?

The only reason why I would say that it would be interesting to experience it is because, like, do you go to heaven for a split second, like, for, like, the nighttime? And then you wake up and you're like, oh, fuck yeah, this is what heaven is, everybody.

I don't think so. It's just like you die.

What do you mean you don't think so? It's a made-up scenario. No, I'm just saying, like, you can't be like, in this scenario, in this scenario, these are the rules.

You don't go to heaven. You just die. You feel the pain and you wake up like nothing happened, right?

Yeah, but you don't know. That's what I'm saying is like, now you can come out to the world. You can wake up the next morning, be alive.

I have a feeling she means what Natalie's saying. I have a feeling she means you die and you just experience all of death because then it would just be like, hey, would you like to be in pain for a little? And then it goes away because then it makes no sense. But I think, I think she means you get the perks of possibly seeing what's after life.

It's also kind of crazy. Can you imagine being that one person with that experience and like, okay, yeah, let me reword the question.

You have to be like, you have to die a painful death, but when you die, you see what happens after death, and then you come back the next day, no scars, nothing, no bruises. It's like it never happened.

I'm down.

But you still have your memories of what happened. Yeah.

Yeah. Why not? Might as well. I mean, you've seen life right now.

If I held you underwater and I drowned you, you would be like, just to see what happens after you'd be down?

Yeah. Wouldn't it be sick that I'd be back and you'd be like, what happened? I could tell you.

No, I mean, you're right. The podcast would be insane.

Yeah, I saw God.

What if it like fucks you up?

What?

She?

Yes, she.

She loves the podcast.

She loves the podcast. She loves it. She was wondering why you're not posting vlogs. We talked about that for a while. She thinks Ilya's too in shape. She thinks he's good. The body the way he has it.

Wow. Yeah, that would be cool. But I don't know if I would do it. Would you do it?

I would do it. Yeah, that's crazy how you, you're saying you wouldn't do it.

My big—

it is scary.

My biggest fear is the process of like death. Like, that's like one of my— like, I'm like, uh, not dying, but like how— like a painful death is like one of my biggest fears. Like a death where you're tortured or something like that. Like, I hate that.

Do you think that when people say they see like white lights and stuff that they're dreaming that, or they actually cross to the other side? You know, when people like say they die and then they come back to life, like they're on the operating table.

Okay, here's, here's my thing. Yeah, I think I, I can't wrap my head around that because if you were dead, you were dead. Do you know what I mean? Like, like, like if you die, I feel like there's not— if there is like a heaven and a God, I don't think God's like, come here, come here. And then he's like, oh shit, wait, never mind. Wait, they're going to save you. Oh shit. I had no idea this was okay. You got to go back. You got to go back. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I feel like God would be powerful enough to go, Yeah, you're either coming here or they're going to be able to save you. Like, I think, I think that's really strange.

Or no. What if they wanted to send a message to that person like, hey, you need to appreciate life, I'm going to send you back, right?

Maybe you think that's what happens.

I don't know. I don't know what happens. I'm asking. But there's tons of stories of people like crossing over. They see all these white lights and they talk to somebody and then they come back.

So think when you die for a little bit and you, you wake up, you're basically resurrected. You're literally— your head comes up, your brain can come up with any situation that happened. You're like, I'm sure you're— I mean, I don't want to discredit the people that have had like crazy near-death experiences. I've just never seen it. So I don't know. But I would just imagine that your brain can be like, yeah, I saw fucking dinosaurs.

What would you do if you died? What would be the first thing you'd say?

Ask to God?

Sure.

I'd just be like, what's like— I'd wonder what the setup is like.

So you— that is the most you.

Why?

Yeah. So, like, what do you got in here? You got, like, Wi-Fi and like—

Oh, no, I wouldn't want to see his crib. I wouldn't want a house tour. Sick, man. I think my main question would be like, what is the setup of life? Like, like, where do you know, like, what is the process? Like, do you put everybody on Earth or is this like a game? What is like— that would be my question.

Yeah.

Not about how his fridge looks.

I'd want to know.

You probably have a bunch of essentials in your fridge and a bunch of vitamin waters, right? Show me.

The most pure water in all.

You know what's sick is if you probably go to heaven and like God's there and like, let's say he does, because I'm sure he has time to speak to everybody, right? Like, I'm sure God can split him up and split himself up into like 100% a trillion people, right? So I'm sure there's like a moment where you talk to him. I'm sure everybody gets a personal God when they're there. That's what I think. And I think when you like, let's say he does invite you to his house and you're in heaven, I'm sure God's like, yo, check out what I have. And, and obviously God doesn't like— he, he's not like— God's like, world isn't from the year 2020, right? So he's going to have crazy things. He's going to be like, yo, have you ever had this? It's called Zappo. And I'm like, what the fuck is Zappo? And he's like, it's like Coca-Cola, but like so much better. I'm like, what do you mean it's better than Coca-Cola? He's like, yeah, it comes out in 50 years. It's fucking crazy. You try it. And I have it. I'm like, are you fucking serious? Like, I'm sure, like, God must have the best things. Of any year, you know what I mean?

He has, he has stuff from the future and also stuff from the past, right? You can't get any.

So his wine— yeah, he has the first wines ever made. Yeah, so his wines are like OG wines, like really good wines. And then he has really futuristic shit that like, it's like, it's— I mean, it's crazy. My question is, what is the build of his house?

But it would also be really cool if he had some old stuff like your grandma or your granddad, you know, he had like a phone on the wall Oh yeah.

Like he still has like, this is my 2000s room.

Yeah.

And it's like Miley Cyrus, The Climb. Like, that's like, it's just playing in the room. No. Yeah, that would be, that would be a very interesting—

What did you say before? What's his what? I cut you off.

Like, what does his house look like? Like, what is the design of his house? Yeah, probably looks like Zedd's house, or it probably looks like something we've never seen. I'm sure God has like a type that like, like I would imagine that his like he would like something that's like a little like mid-century modern or maybe even like a Spanish feel. That's what I would go.

I could see that.

You think like God has a basement and he takes you and there's like a timeline of the things he's been to, like, like a museum. He's like, this is where— this is when I sent— this is when I sent that team to go kill Osama bin Laden. Oh yeah, I was proud of this one. This is when I— when Hitler was born. I wasn't too proud of this one. I let this one slip. Like, does he have moments?

I don't think he's arrogant like that. I don't think he has any ego about it. He's not like showing you off his, like, trophies and stuff.

So he doesn't have like a trophy room.

He's much more chill than that.

He doesn't frame the newspapers that he did.

No, no. Like I said, they're just in boxes and it's just like, yeah, it's a bunch of stuff. I haven't had time to go through it like I did it.

I'm like, I'm actually starting this new world over here. You see it? Yeah, it's fucking— you think he, like, brags about his next projects like a musician would? You got it. You got to, you got to hear this. You got to hear this. Give it a fucking one listen. You give this world, give this new galaxy one look and you're going to be blown away. I fucking promise you, it's going to be fucking sick. Where do you think you'd go?

I don't believe in a hell, really. I don't. I think we're all here and we all just have to.

Well, that's a different— that's a different way to look at it. I could see why you would say you don't believe in hell because it's like not really a godly thing to damn people to hell. Yeah, like that doesn't— like, I feel like— like I was watching the show about prisons And, and Norway's— Norway's prison is like a fucking hotel. And you can only go to jail in Norway for up to 21 years, no matter what fucking crime you commit. You're out in 21 years because they believe in rehabilitation. Like, that's the most important thing. And they have like a 30% reincarceration rate where like 30% of the people, which is really low, like 30% of the people that go to jail are offenders again. This is the first time I've said anything factual. This is so crazy. But yeah, but like, I would imagine—

I can't believe it. It's all right too. I'm listening to you.

But I'd imagine that's how heaven would be like, be like, yeah, I'm not going to fucking send you to hell. Like, I know you murdered people, but like, bro, let's just work on you. Like, me and you, let's talk a little bit and figure it out. Like, let me get to you. And I feel like any murderer or any, like, horrible person, like, being in a state of heaven would listen to God. They'd be like, okay, holy fuck, I was wrong. Let me listen to you and change my ways. And then every time someone acts up in heaven, God visits them and goes, yo, give Ilya his flip-flops back. Like, that's fucked up. Like, that happens all the time, probably. Lucky there's no God here right now. I'm going to keep these flip-flops on all day.

Can we see the two of you in heaven still fighting? The most perfect place.

It's my cloud. I saw this cloud first.

Boys, what did I tell you?

Sorry, David.

Stop calling Ilya short and give Ilya back his flip-flops. It'd be weird if like I died and Todd died and then we got to heaven. Like, let's say we died together and then we got to heaven and the next day we're like, we saw God and then we were just like lifting weights in heaven.

I don't think you'd have to lift weights.

Like, we were just doing the same thing on earth. Oh, we were doing like a day before.

That's what I'm saying, bro. Like, what is— like, what's the difference? Like, now you're young.

Something definitely happens. I don't believe that you just go into the ground and then that's the end of things because Like there's a whole universe or somebody else.

It's gonna be crazy when, when, when, when David and I die. And like, what if you die first? And I'm like, fuck, you got to see it. You know what I mean? Or I die. Or I die.

Are you standing over the dead body in the coffin? You son of a bitch, you beat me again.

Or I die and you're like, goddamn it. You know what I mean?

Like, I'm gonna be—

because one of us is gonna know before the other and it's gonna be fucking insane.

I'm gonna be— I'm gonna be bummed out when I'm in heaven and like it's really cool and I want to show you guys, but, but, but God's He's like, yeah, Ilya won't get here for another 13 years. And I'm like, are you fucking serious? Yeah. I'm like, can't we just send like a card to hit him or something? Like, can't we just like knock him out? Like, that's gonna bum me out. Yeah, yeah, that'll suck.

Ill, you gotta see this place, man. It is fucking nuts. It is nuts. Yeah, I'm coming, Dave.

Ill comes out of the shower, I write with like steam.

Yeah, you turn into a ghost.

Ilya, come to heaven. This place is sick. ... Call of Duty here. I have the newest one 3 months in advance. That's like, that's the crazy part is like what, you go to heaven and then all of a sudden like life is the same, but this time you never get old. Yeah, like, I don't know, maybe, maybe life is here. Maybe you go to— maybe we're always in heaven, but they send you to earth to teach you lessons like about love and about like understanding, about communication, about like growing. And they teach you all these lessons here on Earth so you're a better person when you go back to heaven where everybody is hanging out. And some people get lost in it, and some people screw up, and some people fuck up, and then they may be damned back to Earth to try again until they figure it out. Maybe this is hell, and heaven is always heaven, and we're put here until we figure it out and we become good people and we're qualified enough to live with the rest of the population. Maybe this is jail, right? Like, this is like where we're like supposed to learn about like how to, how to be regular good souls.

Hmm. Thanks. Right on,

Dave. Thank you, man. This is the Views Podcast. Views, it's different point of

views. So I shot a video with Josh Peck

yesterday. Oh, my

icon. Yeah, yeah, my icon

too. Um, I like it more, but yeah, keep

going. So it took about 2 weeks to set that video up, and the reason for that was Joe originally was like, hey, you mind if I just text Josh your number? He wants to do something with you. So I was like, all right, great, yeah, let's do it. And like a few days go by and he's like, hey, uh, did you get Josh's text by the way? And I was like, no, what are you talking about? So like I scrolled through my phone, like no text. It's like, okay, cool, I'll group you guys in. So he groups Josh and I in, uh, Joe goes, Ilya, Josh, Josh, Ilya. I go, oh, what's up dude? Nothing, like no response from from Josh. Like, 4 more days go by and still nothing. So I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Like, I'm not getting his texts, like nothing. And I go, Joe, what's going on? He's like, yeah dude, I don't know, like you're not responding to him. He sent you like voice memos and like fucking texts. Like, what are you talking about? Like, so I start like scrolling through my phone, like all my text messages, my phone calls, like nothing. Like, I have nothing missed from him. And Joe goes, Yeah, I don't know, bro, maybe you blocked his number like as a joke. And I was like, no, no way, right? And so I type his number in and I call him, and then I look at my, uh, my block list and it says fucking blocked. Like, what the fuck? And Joe goes, oh yeah, it's from the Miami trip. I blocked his number for someone from when he called me, when he called me trying to get a hold of me so you guys can track where I was in Miami, and I blocked his fucking

number. Oh wow, that's really

funny. Yeah, dude. And so I was just like, Josh thought I was ignoring him for 2 fucking

weeks. Probably 2 years. Yeah, it's been like a year since that Miami

video. It's so funny because I was like, dude, I am so, so sorry. Like, I felt so bad. That's right, I felt so bad. And I was like, there's no way I would ever do that. And he's like, yeah dude, I thought you went Hollywood on

me. Yeah, I was like, no

way. Ilya blocked all of our numbers when he was trying to hide from us because we were trying to get him to come to Miami. So he blocked all of our numbers so we wouldn't be able to track his phone. And that's— I guess that stayed. That's funny. That's hilarious. Let's talk about what we were talking about earlier. I was doing some thinking and I've realized that every late

night— I thought I smelled wood burning. What? I thought I smelled wood

burning. Is that a joke? Yeah. What does that mean, that my brain is made out of

wood? Yeah, it means like, it's like a fireplace. It's like, that's how dumb you

are. I don't get

it. Your head is full of

wood. Oh,

yeah. Yeah. It's like an old

joke. Really? Yeah. Well, when you're thinking— I'm going to respond. No, but I was thinking, and every late night host sits on the left side of their guests. They're always looking to the right. And I've thought about this because I was trying to think about like what my better side is and my better side is my left side of my face. Yeah, but it's crazy. Every late night host, right? Yeah. Except what were you saying? You were saying Corden. Corden. Corden looks the other way and Graham Norton looks the other way, who are both like UK type of guys, like from overseas. Yep. So maybe just because they drive on the other side of the road, maybe that's also the situation with the late night. Ilya,

stop. I'm not doing

anything. I just wanted to say, bro, did you put it right in front of

me? I just wanted to provoke

you. And Ilya went for the McDonald's and David got really upset because it interrupted his story about British late night

hosts. Do not attack. We were in the fucking— dude, we were in the car with Ilya and he was super high. And bro, this motherfucker, we got to a red light and he goes, and he goes, yo, you know what? Red lights are so outdated. You know how he like always tries to find a solution for like fucking things that shouldn't be

fixed. He thinks he's got the next idea all the time. All the

time. Yeah. And we're at a red light and he's like, it's so outdated. I'm like, what the fuck else could it be? What else could it be other than like, what could it

be? A

shape? Yeah, like, how could you change the red light system? What were you

thinking? I was saying like get rid of it altogether and like think of something new where you don't have to wait. Think about how much time you waste at a red

light. That's a tunnel. I'm telling you, maybe he wasn't

high. Maybe someone is going to fix it at some point. Have you

seen— yes, that's, that's when you have every car that's automated and they're all programmed to each other and they

go— wait, wait, wait, have you seen when the power is out and every car stops at a major intersection? Yeah, and one goes and then

one— yeah, it's a shit show. Yeah, but I'm not saying that's a solution. I'm saying like There should be

something. But even if it was automated, how could they do

that? There's nothing you can change about red lights right now. Red light cannot be changed unless everything else has changed. I understand. Okay. You want to make— you were

really— I wasn't saying like right now,

tomorrow. I'm not resting till I find out how to get rid of red

lights.

Okay. Right. Okay. So you meant to like just more in general? Yeah. Okay. Also, I've been, I did some watching TV. And you won't believe what I found. You guys are about to get mind-blown from this. I'm about to drop some serious facts. Did you know that there are— that there's a wire that goes from— there's cables that go from like North America to Europe to South America that connect the internet underground in the ocean? Under the

ocean? Yeah, it's pretty

crazy. Did you know that? No. Isn't that fucking insane? There's 378 cables They weigh 10 million. One cable. I'll talk about one. It goes from Virginia to Spain and it's 10 million pounds and it goes underneath the ocean and it connects our internet. And that's fucking insane.

Wow. It like, is that

possible? I don't know. I thought it was the stupidest thing ever. John brought it up. I'm like, you're an idiot. There's no way there's a cable that's underneath the

ocean. Why does it need to connect with Spain? Wasn't that— doesn't there just be like a satellite that would connect

it? Well, there's like, there's like more, there's like more information that's spread through like the little

wires. And you know, it's like been quite the year when Dave's like that far down his Netflix

queue. You know, did you know that the prisons in Papua New Guinea are highly

overpopulated? Like, that was the thing you were watching last week. Like, it's gone on so long now. Now you're getting to like the good stuff. Like you're actually

learning. Yeah, bro. Last week, last week, like, like 3 friends came over and I turned on this Netflix show. It's all about the world's toughest

prison. It was so

good. It's a really good show. Highly recommend it. And I started listing off all these facts about the world's toughest prisons, and everyone was like paying attention to me, like I knew what I was talking about because I did, because I was so educated on the subject because I've been just watching the

show. And it's really fun to do that. David will take you through a whole 22-episode season in like, you know, 45 minutes. Yeah, he'll just go to the good

parts. I just fast forward to the good parts. Yeah, we watched— I made him watch The World's Toughest Prisons, and we went through 3 episodes in like 35 minutes. It was really good because you skip all the boring stuff and you just— it's like

editing. You have like a TV

review. It's like a vlog. I turn, I turn regular TV into vlogs. I also was on Snapchat and there was an ad that came up. There was a family found that was locked up in a hidden, in a hidden room on a farm. Did you see this? There's like this dad who, who like, they were scared of the apocalypse. So for the last 6 years, they locked themselves like in like this like small area and like a farm. Yeah, for the last 6 years. And they just found these guys. I think they're all

alive. Someone was arrested, but I was arrested. They're all back up, back

up. Someone was

arrested. I don't know the

facts. The point of this story isn't to tell you what it was because I actually— I wanted to see more facts because the Snapchat thing was just one page and I couldn't swipe up to anything. So I looked it up on Google, but instead of typing in family locked on a farm, I typed in family licked on a farm. I thought it was so

funny. What'd you

get? Um, you wouldn't believe it, but there has also been a family that has been seriously licked. I've seen that video right by a stable. Yeah, it got really

bad. Hey, there's a thing out there. They're gonna pay couples to have sex. Oh yeah, this company, uh, they want to know which mattress is best for getting it on, and they're gonna pay 5 couples to do the research. During the 2-month experiment, the chosen pairs will test 8 mattresses and review each other's one based on a variety of factors, including bounciness, noise, and edge

support. Oh, me and

Ilya. Wait, wait, do you have to pay

$3K? Do you have to be

way. $3K for 2 months. You got to sleep there, I

think. Oh, you sleep there for 2 months and have sex every day? Yeah. Do you— do they watch you have

sex? Weird

thing. It is a

weird— yeah, they have to watch

you. Do you have to be married or can you bring

anybody? It can be

anything. Because I need a place where I can kind of have sex on my own without you guys watching over me. Yeah, that's pretty nice. Where is it? You said the

UK? Yeah. Again, this was like a Snapchat story. Again, Steve and I get our news from

Snapchat. My, my friends were— my friends were— they went out like on a boat recently. They went to like some lake house and they're like, they're like college boys, right? And they were telling me like of what they were doing. They had this competition. It was 10 of them, all guys, and they broke up into 2 teams of 5. And they had a competition where this is how you win. You had to eat 2 large pizzas, drink 50 beers, smoke 4 grams of weed. Oh, and then you had to solve a 300-piece, 300-piece jigsaw puzzle. Wow. And that was like— that was the game that they were doing. Yeah. Mike's team lost, but Mike had 14 of the beers. That's fucking crazy. Shout out to my

friends. 50 beers over here. So this is like over a course of a

Saturday. It took 2.5 hours. Okay, that's pretty good,

actually. That's like disgusting. That's like really

quick. Is it gross? Because you got to think about it's 5 guys on one team and the 2 large pizzas. That's easy. I can body like a large by myself. And then you got the 4 grams of

weed. The pizza thing is the easiest part. But all those beers, all that weed, dude, the weed would fuck you

up. If we split this up between us 4, me, Ilya, Jason, Natalie, who gets the beer? I would assume Jason gets the beers, Natalie gets the pizza. I'll get the jigsaw. Ill, you get the weed. Oh, that's pretty

good. No, I get the jigsaw. You get the pizza. You're way better, like, eating large amounts than I

am. Let's give the jigsaw to Natalie. Okay. I think that's probably the smart choice here, Dave. You're going to be drinking some

beer. I go, I finished the

jigsaw. I ate it

all. No, Dave, you were supposed to fucking build it. I added another criteria to what I'm looking for in women. Okay, get ready for this

one. How could there possibly be another

criteria? I don't have that many. No, like, yes, yesterday, the other day we did the podcast. I said, what was my big thing? Someone who's self-aware. Yeah. Okay. Someone who could hold their own

conversation. You also have said Latin in the past week. Yeah, I know. I can check my DMs because that's who will DM

me. Like, right now, if you forward these to me, a self-aware Latin girl, why is that so

bad? Yeah, no, there's nothing wrong with

that. Okay, now let me add one more thing. Okay. I want somebody that will walk in front of me at the airport. I think that's important. Do you know what I mean?

No. What does that

mean? Like someone who can— someone who can— who can walk in front of me and like fill out things. Like, that's— that's important to me. You want a

mom? Yes. No, she's right

here. Taylor's right here. No, like, I want somebody that can like— like, I don't— I don't want to always be the one that's like, for sure, like, I don't want to be the guy that has the tickets. I don't want to be the guy that has like the plans. Like, yeah, I want to be that

guy. Sort of like sense of

responsibility. Yeah. Yeah, then you end up— that's what happened to me. That's what I had with Marnie. Yeah, she did all of

that. Is that

bad? Yeah, then she ends up resenting you for being a lazy piece of

shit. Oh, she got mad at you for being

lazy? Well, yeah, I mean, like, I thought

shit. I thought she kind of made you

lazy. No, no, she would be like, she's like, we're doing it my way. And I'd be like, okay, great. I don't want to fucking do

it. And then she'd be like, fuck you, why didn't you tell me your

way? Really? Kind of. I mean, I wouldn't do

anything. Well, I don't want— I don't want it to be like that

extreme. Yeah, no, you'll see, it'll end up that

way. It sounds like you want like an assistant, not a

partner. And then like someone to grab me food. No, no, no,

no. How many more assistants are you gonna hire here? No, no, we want to

know. I'm looking for a Latin

assistant. I know somebody that worked for, um, I know somebody that worked for like a really, really big rapper. Yeah, and he didn't have 3 assistants. I know somebody worked for a mogul

rapper. A mogul. To be fair, David just hires anybody and just calls them an

assistant. It's like, yeah, I just like to do

that. I mean, I think it's

cool. I hire friends, I hire company. That's what I

do. I

gotcha.

Yeah. So I'm looking for someone under 5'2", preferably self-aware, does all my work for me while I'm in the airport so I can just hang back and like kind of like have my own thoughts to

myself. Yeah. I don't know. I just, I think that's really telling of like a person, like when they I would love

that. I would love to have a girl, a girlfriend or a

wife. Like, imagine you're at the airport and she's like, hurry up, we're going to be late. And then she's like, okay, let's go grab McDonald's. And like, she's like, I'm like, do we have time? She's like, yeah, we have time. Like, she's telling you that, like, it's still

okay. Every relationship. No, every girl in every relationship. No, like, pretty much all guys are kind of like, for

real? And like, I can talk to any girl and I like

them. Yeah, it's pretty much any girl. But that's probably who you do need. You do need somebody like

that. Yeah, yeah, I need someone to like to like, let me know what's up, because sometimes I get confused. Somebody's holding down the fort, especially at airports. I get really lost because there's so much going on and there's so many people walking around and there's all these planes are taking off that you want to watch, but you can't because you have to make your own

flight. So have you ever noticed when you go to the airport, this happens to me every fucking time, you get your gate and my gate is always the last one. Oh yeah, it is always the last one. Yeah, that's the worst. Why is that? Why is it always the last one? I don't know. I've never ever gone to the airport and been like, 54? Oh, right here, first one. Never, never

once. That's funny because 54 is like one of the closer ones usually. Speaking of fucking airports, I don't know when this was, but last time Ilya and I flew, this still haunts me to this day. There's this guy, Ilya. There's two seats in each row, not three. It was just two. Yeah, right. And I had the window seat in row two and he had the aisle in row three. So I went to the guy, we got there and I got to the guy that was in the aisle. In two, and I was like, I'm going to ask him to move back to Ilya's seat and switch. And I was like, hey, man, is it possible if my buddy sits with me? And he goes, nah, man, I'm all set up here. I'm like, that's it. That's the end of the story. But, bro, I fucking was so

pissed. What was he set up

with? The entire time? No, didn't have a laptop. No, didn't have anything out. Didn't have anything

out. Literally no art, no art pencils or anything like

that. Okay, I'll be honest. I'll be honest. I'll tell you what he did have. Yeah, just to be clear, he had his magazine that he brought with his newspaper. It's tucked in the seat in front of him and his water bottle tucked in the seat in front of him. That's not— but his book bag was

under. But it's like, it's not set

up. Even if you had your laptop out, like, listen, I know it's his right to say no. Like, I know, like, I know technically maybe I'm in the wrong, but like, that's so fucked up. It's a 4-hour fucking flight, dude. Like, this happened months ago and I'm still so passionate about like, like it's a 4-hour flight. Like, switch for 3 minutes so I don't resent you the entire flight. And then after he said no, he's like, oh no, I'm all set up. I don't want to get up. Then I had to explain to him, be like, well, dumbass, I still have to fucking sit in there, so can you get up so I can squeeze in there? So he had to still get

up. Yeah, he's up

anyway. Yeah, he's up anyway. Yeah. So now I have to fucking go in there. It just made no sense. I was so angry. I was like, why are you doing this? Like, karma is going to get you. You're going to want to sit with your wife one day and it's not going to

work. And what happened? You sat

alone? And then David texted me he wants to draw a dick on his

face. Yeah, I was so pissed. I was like, I'm gonna try— I'm gonna draw a dick on this guy's face when he's asleep. Yeah, but

okay. Jay, I noticed something very similar between David and

I. Okay, what is

it? So you know how like David would ask like Ella or Taylor and that like fucking questions that he knows the answers to? Yeah, like all the time. Yeah, like 'Yo dude, I love this water bottle. Where can I get this?' You know, something like that. Yeah. So this weekend, um, I flew back to Chicago for my mom's birthday, and I was— I went to back to my office for like work or whatever. I was walking through my office, and like I needed jeans, and out loud I was like, 'Where can I get some jeans?' And then I was like, 'Well, hold up, I know the answer to that.' Like, and they're like, 'Oh, anywhere.' I was like, 'Wow, I was just This is a David

moment. Oh, I ask questions a lot where like I know the answer to it. Yeah. Like, can you give me an example better than water bottles? I actually don't know where to get water bottles. Like, give me an

example. Like, where have I done that? So, so watermelon is not good for you? Like, you've asked that like 100

times. That's because I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. Is it good for you or is it not? I'm hearing mixed

reviews. No, there's, there's been multiple times where you ask something where I'm like, I sit back, I'm like, figure it out, dipshit. Like, but like, I do the same shit, you know? I guess when you have like other people working for you around you, like you just completely get lazy about like,

right? Stupid shit like that. Totally, totally. That's what it

is. So again, this weekend I was back in Chicago and I slept at John's house and I went to go visit him at work before I went back to his house. And as I was leaving, I was like, John, when you come home, you have to kiss me

goodnight. He's like, all

right. I'm like, deadass. He's like, all right, deadass. And so I go home and, um, I get into his bed and I fall

asleep. What time does he work

till? He works till 5 AM. Oh, so I'm in bed, I'm sleeping, and all of a sudden he comes home and he goes in his room. He doesn't— I'm sleeping in his room. He's like, bro, what the

fuck? What

though? He's like all flustered and mad. So I'm like, ah, whatever, like, go somewhere else. And so like 5 minutes passes by like nothing, just quiet. Like 5 minutes passes by. And all of a sudden, like, I hear him come in the room and he goes, right on my

cheek. Oh my God, so good, bro. Such precise— Did you start laughing? Yeah, that's so funny. Did he

laugh? No, he was like really mad at

me. Oh guys, the Girl Scouts are releasing a new cookie this

year. Natalie saw that toast,

right? It tastes like

breakfast. Natalie perks up. Yes, toast! I saw it, I ordered it, pre-ordered

it. The toast-shaped cookie called Toast Yay! Oh, it's shaped like toast, was inspired by French toast. They're larger than the Scouts' classic cookies, Nat. I heard them and have a whole side covered in

icing. Super excited, Girl

Scouts! You did it again. What? Girl Scouts. Now, it was like, what did I do? Did I come up with the icing cookies and not know about it? Did I say it in my sleep again? Yeah, that is sick. The Girl Scouts, they sell those motherfuckers. Where does all the money go for the Girl Scout

cookies? The Girl Scout Fund. Like the Girl

Scout— What does the Girl Scout Fund do? Does it pay for colleges for Girl

Scouts? Yeah, I think it pays for

colleges. Oh, really? If you're in the Girl— Yeah. Or does it just pay? Does it just help cover all the badges? I feel like there were so many fucking badges. Those can't be

cheap. Those

two.

Yeah. You know how you got that dodgeball

cake?

Yeah. I mean, that cake is probably like, like $1,500,

$2,000. No, it's probably like $500, $700. Whatever. What about

it? Usually regular people would take a slice, right? Right. But you go, bro, bro, bro, bro. Yo, see if you can get to the center with your face. Like, that's just

insane. It does sound funky, but to be fair, like, I'm not saying this to brag, there are so many cakes that come in here. Like, I don't, I don't think any house gets as many cakes as we get. I don't know what it is. I don't know if we track cakes, but people— I think Natalie's putting the orders in for these. I think when brands go, I think when brands go, hey, we love working with you, what can we send you? Natalie goes, he would love cake. And his favorite is confetti with chocolate icing. He loves it. It is literally what I say. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for this podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Make sure to go find me that girlfriend and send me

her— find me one

too. Send me her Instagram and I will pursue and marry her if she can walk in front of me at the airport. All

right. And like this said girl, thank

you. All right. I'll see you guys. My name is