David Has Left the Country

Alright guys, it's our first podcast back in a while. Jason's been dying to do the podcast again, so I'm gonna surprise him with our first podcast back. Keep your eyes closed. Oh shit. Don't open your eyes, Jay.

Shit, shit, what is it?

Is it a fucking snake? Jay, keep your eyes closed. Oh, I hate this shit. Keep 'em closed.

No, I don't want to.

Now grab and grab this.

No, I don't want to.

Just grab it.

Oh.

Grab it, grab it. This. No. Just take it, take it, take it. What's up guys, welcome back to View! Yeah! Shut up! Yeah, no way! Yeah, our first podcast! Oh, I could go to college! Why is this going to college? Because the podcast is back! No way! I just surprised Jason. I've been planning this for a couple weeks.

What?

Yeah. Oh my God, you kept asking about the podcast and I kept having to tell people, like, like, he complained to my publicist, he'd complain to everybody, everybody around. He'd be like, Dave doesn't want to do the podcast, I can't send my kids to college. And I kept telling him, like, it's coming, it's coming. I just want to surprise him.

I just thought you didn't want to do it. Anymore.

Yeah, we're currently in Slovakia, my hometown, my homeland. I brought my friends here. First of all, big thank you to my friends for coming to this country. I know it's like I'm holding you guys hostage here.

Welcome. Yeah, it's fucking sucks.

My arm is falling off.

What did you get bitten by, like a radioactive spider?

Here, vlogger's arm.

Yeah, just Jason has vlogger's arm, so his arm hurts. But so far so good. What's your first impression of Slovakia?

It's really nice and quiet. And it's like Susie said it best, it's like an outdoor library.

What's so interesting, this is so funny, we were driving around with our driver here and he goes, there's this ongoing, I was asking about the mayor 'cause we drove by like the mayor's house. And he goes, yeah, there's this ongoing thing where every time there's election season, the mayors or the people that are running for mayor promise to build an aqua park in Slovakia, like a water park. They promise to build a water park and they say that'll help boost our economy because tourism will finally become a serious thing here in Slovakia. And this has been an ongoing thing for 20 years apparently, and no one's built this aqua park. But every time elections come around, some mayor in Slovakia is promising this water park. And it's so funny because they refer to it as an aqua park.

I've been out on the streets here and I'm telling you, that's what this place needs. Like an aqua park. It needs something.

I asked him and I was like, so who gets elected? Like who ends up winning the election? He's like, the person who promises the aqua park the best. And he was completely serious. And I asked him if we could vlog it. And he's like, no, no, no, they take it very seriously here.

Yeah.

Because I wanted to vlog it because it was a joke.

I feel bad because I've been out and I've met some really nice people here. And they'll be like, how do you like Slovakia? That's what everybody asks.

Yeah.

And of course I go, it's great, it's awesome.

Yeah.

But now that I've been here for like a third day, because— and, and they—

they're—

when I say it's great, they go, come on, you're lying.

Yeah.

They're like, it's not great, it's boring. And I'll be like, no, no, no, we're having a blast. And like, well, what have you done so far?

And I'm like, um, I checked into my hotel, we went tobogganing. No, it's definitely, Slovakia's an acquired taste.

Here's what I'll say about it. It's very clean, the food is fantastic.

Yes.

And it's pretty Americanized. I feel like everyone's pretty hip here.

And we're not dead.

I don't think anyone thought that.

Really? That was kind of one of my biggest fears coming here. That we were just gonna get nabbed.

That we would die?

Yeah, and just held hostage. Jonah made a really good joke. Jonah was like, they're gonna take us hostage in Slovakia and the guy's gonna go, we will not let you go, rich motherfuckers, until you pay me. "$30." And then Jonah goes, "$30? Yeah, I mean, yeah, we'll give you $45. We'll give you $50 if you let us go now." But no, overall, Slovakia is a good time. The other week we hung out with MrBeast, who is like the biggest YouTuber right now. Like, the dude gets billions of views a month. He's over 60 million subscribers and he's just crushing it on every channel. Every video he posts has like 20 million views in 20 hours. And he was so interesting to hang out with. I'm gonna put this to rest right now. People, oh, I see TikToks like this shit all the time. Like people will like compare me and MrBeast and like, people like comparing incomes, which I think is like ridiculous. That dude is fucking loaded. I mean, I'm telling you, like we left, we left hanging out with him and he was shooting his video where like someone wins a million dollars. And like I was talking to him, we were just sitting face to face, me and MrBeast. And I felt like, like a YouTuber with like 2,000 subscribers. Like, I know I posted 650 videos now, like a ton. I've been around for, for quite some time, and I felt like a little fucking kid talking to him.

Do you remember when his like head writer was talking to you? He was like, yeah man, send your videos over, I'll take a look, I can maybe help you come up with some stuff. And Dave was like, uh, well, I, I've made a lot of it. MrBeast busted in, he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, he, he knows what's good content, he just like needs more ideas.

Yeah, because We were talking about ideas and Jimmy, Jimmy, MrBeast has like so many ideas. And I was like, we never have a single idea. Like we're like when one video is up, like we have no ideas left. And yeah, his writer was like, send some ideas over. And Jimmy was like, no, no, no. He knows what a good idea is. He just can't get to those ideas.

Yeah.

But he's, he's the best. He's—

You described it really well. He's like Steve Jobs of YouTube.

He is like, I can't explain it. I was really impressed by him. Yeah, and, and honestly, and really good in your video. Yeah, and he was so funny.

I said that thing and you guys laughed at me. I was like, MrBeast is really good on— we were editing and I was like, MrBeast is really good on camera. And you guys were like, yeah, he's the biggest YouTuber. But it took me seeing him in your video to see—

no, totally, how good he is. When I see him in his videos, it's, it's more like polished. It feels like he's like the host of a show. But when I saw him in my video, like when we were filming with him, I was like, whoa, he can, he can like play. Yeah, like it was like really, really fun. Um, no, he's fucking great. I was, I was—

and Carl, I've met a—

I've gotten to meet like a lot of celebrities and like there's very few people that I'm like genuinely, genuinely impressed with. And I'm blown away with him. I'm very impressed by MrBeast. Yeah.

And he gave Toby some money, which is all mine now. You took it? Are you broke?

Yeah. Um, I, um, yeah, he— MrBeast gave my brother $10,000. And, um, and which is really funny to give to a 12-year-old because it's like, what the fuck? So like we're traveling back and, you know, he put it through TSA. Nobody stopped him, which is crazy. And probably must be just because everybody that comes from that state is visiting MrBeast. So like they're just used to seeing fucking suitcases of cash moving through the airport. Um, but nobody stopped him. And then my mom, my mom like saw the money and she did her, she did her old foreign thing. She did that foreign thing. She's like, I was like, did you see the money that Toby got? And she goes, yes, it's going to charity. And I was like, dude, like, come on. Like, and it's a very sweet gesture to like give to charity, but this is what my parents and I would get into fights about all the time as a kid. When I was younger, like, I would wanna, I would tell my parents that like I was working by watching YouTube videos. Like, I know it was lame, but that's what I would say. I'd be like, I'm working. When I was like 14, 15, 16, whatever. And they'd wanna go to like these food pantries and like pack lunch and like, which is amazing. It's like the fucking sweetest thing you can do. And I was trying to explain to them, I was like, this is amazing, but like, why not work at something so then you can have this huge business and you can help so many people? And like, that's what I was trying to explain to my mom about Toby's $10,000. I was like, why don't you put it away? So like when he's 18 in 6 fucking years, it'll be like, at least $20,000 and he can, he gets to start a business. He can do whatever. It can help him with whatever. And then he can help so many people down the line. Like, don't just blow the money. Like, like put it away for his future so he can help other people's futures. But I don't know, my parents are so old-fashioned. They're just like any dime they get that they don't need in that moment, they're just like, give it to the charities. They're like, give away everything, which is cool.

What happened to the money?

They burned it. They burned it because somebody outside was cold. So they started a fire with it. That's what my parents said. I went to the dermatologist the other day, and this is like my go-to guy. Like, whenever I need anything, like, he's the guy. I'm not embarrassed to be around him. Like, fucking pull down my pants, show him my ass cheeks, whatever, whatever I have to do. And as you know, I've been battling a quite ginormous cyst on my ass.

On your ass, not your face?

Yeah, well, they work on anything. Like, anything.

For you, it's your ass.

For me, it's my ass cyst. Um, and, um, yeah, because they just drained it, but they still have to, like, take care of it.

He needs surgery and he like refuses to get it.

Oh, regardless, I went in and I was like, I was like, it was time to just look at it because it bothered me the other day, but I squeezed it out. So it's good. But I went, I know it's disgusting. Um, I went in there and this is the first time ever that I haven't seen him a couple months. And he's like, hey, how are you? And he opens the door and I walk into the room and instead of him closing the door, It's his new super hot, like 20-year-old assistant. And I'm like, fuck, like, this is like the least, like, I think it should be illegal to have anybody under the age of 30, like anywhere near a doctor's office. I just think it's like, it freaks me out so much. I don't know. It's especially cause like 20-year-olds like watch my videos. So like the last thing I want is like me on a table, like with a flashlight up my ass, like spreading my ass cheeks. So I was like, I do not want her like operating down there or whatever's going on. So he's like, what seems to be the problem? And I do— I fucking panicked. And I go, I go, well, first off, how are you? I say that so awkwardly, like so awkwardly. And he's like, I'm good, good to see you. And I'm like, okay, so there's this mole on my stomach. And I just fucking make something up.

No way.

Yeah, I've had two moles. I have one right here on my stomach and I had one on my back when I was a kid. I went in to go get get, uh, the one of them removed. And I got the one removed. It was so painless. It's so easy. They just cut it off, whatever. It's simple. And, um, and this was when I was like 14. And I remember the doctor was like, do you want me to get the other one? And I looked at it and I was like, no, no, no, this one I want to like— I want this one forever. Like, this is the one I see because it's on my front. Like, I want this one here forever. Um, and yeah, and I went in and, uh, I was just like, yeah, you want to check out my mole? And I just had him fucking cut it off.

Shut up.

To avoid being embarrassed because the girl was there?

Yeah, so he cut off—

wait, what?

I had— I panicked so hard that I was like, yeah, I'm trying to get it removed.

Bro, they're doctors. They literally have seen everybody's butt, everybody's wiener. Oh bro, I mean, I know, they're doctors.

This was also a test to see if the girl would like leave for like anything like operative, but no, she was right there holding the flashlight as he had like a razor cutting my mole, and I was like Dude, I was so stressed out and I can't even fucking sit on my ass right now. It hurts so bad.

The doctor know you have this problem?

Yeah, but she doesn't.

She didn't. He go like, David, how's your cyst?

Oh, because it's not like that bad. Oh yeah. To avoid her looking at my ass cheeks, I just cut something off my body, which sucks. I feel like every doctor that's attractive or, you know, every doctor period should wear masks like they're robbing a bank just so like Or honestly, maybe I should go in wearing a mask so I can just like hide my embarrassment.

It feels like a you problem, not like the doctor problem.

I'd love to see your cyst.

I get so—

dude, because I had it, you know, do you know the same thing? But I had the operation.

But do you know how like, like over the top I go? Like when I go to— when I go to this to check my cyst up, like I'm cool with talking about it on my podcast because it's like this doesn't feel real to me because it's like I'm not going to confront these people like, like at the doctor's office. But like one time I was going to the— I was going to his office and, and it was for my cyst. This is like one of the first— this was actually the first time I was going for my cyst. So in order to avoid awkwardness in the waiting room, because I've met like people that I know in the waiting room a lot of like doctor's offices, and it stresses me out. So, so in order to avoid awkwardness, I wrapped my wrist with just like a, like a, with like a white wrap, and I was sitting in the waiting room playing with my wrist. I'm not kidding.

Just a spring. Just a spring in my asshole.

Yeah, seriously. And then I went in there to take it off and I'd fucking volleyball.

You know how it is.

Yeah. So like, I go above and beyond.

Like, then you'll let Ilya like look at your asshole too.

Yeah, it's different. That's my dude.

I really, really like masturbating.

It is extreme. Before we did this podcast, like, I was napping and I was like thinking about like I've done a couple shows, like TV shows, where like there's a lot of off time during the set, so I'll nap. But like, you can— when I, when I come from a nap, you can tell I just napped, right? Like my face is puffy, my hair's messed up, and like it makes me think like what actors were napping before like the most iconic scenes. Do you know what I mean? Like, like imagine like the final scene in Endgame where Captain America like fucking is fighting Thanos, like An hour before that, he was in his trailer probably taking a nap, and they were like, it's time. And then he goes out there and he's to fight Thanos and his army. And like, that's fucking crazy to me.

Robert Downey Jr., that is probably Robert Downey Jr. He's such a good actor.

Robert Downey Jr., the other day— he— not the other day, but there was an interview where he said that once the mask is on him, he's gone. Like, he's not in the— no, not, not, not like he becomes Iron Man, but he's saying like, he's— that's not his— that's not him in the In the mask. Yeah, like, Tony Stark. No, no, no. I'm saying, like, he's literally not there. Like, that's not him acting. That's just.

It's a double.

Yeah, it's just a double.

Oh, all those scenes with the mask.

Yeah. And, like, all the comments on TikTok are like, nope, nope, not true, not true. Nobody wants to believe it, but that's pretty fucking crazy that, like, he's not there.

I'm surprised he would admit to that.

Yeah, it is a fucking crazy thing. Like, if I was a kid and I heard that, I'd be like, what? I don't know. Natalie and I were in the car the other day, and it's like crazy how people build skyscrapers and then let other people go into them. Do you know what I mean?

Like they're still safe, somehow they're safe.

Yeah, like there's somebody that builds them, they're 100 stories tall, and then they go, "Good to go." And then like, isn't that fucking insane? Like, what do you mean good to go? Like I can go to the 100th floor right now?

Yeah, it's fine.

Yeah, it's fine. For how long? For a couple minutes?

Forever.

Yeah, like 200 years. Yeah, what do you mean? He's like, I just gotta check. Yeah, move your stuff there.

Yeah, no problem. I think about that too.

Like, like, that's fucking crazy.

No, and you could bring—

you could bring a washing machine to the 100th floor. Like, heavy shit you can put on that.

And it's like—

and you think, like, you're like, okay, but should I, like, walk carefully when I'm on the 100th floor? And then, no, you can jump around, you can do whatever. You can even have a party.

Those apartments in New York that look over Central Park West, you can see all the trees. Yeah, those freak me me out.

How the fuck? For sure. That's why— this is why I don't think anything's real, because I think it's bullshit. I think, I think there's no fucking way these buildings are being built. There's no way. I think it's all bullshit. You know, my math teacher once said something that stuck with me for the rest of my life, is like, if there's nothing behind me, is it even there? Like, I know Taylor's sitting behind me somewhere here, but like, right now I'm not looking there, so is it even there? She just appeared because I just looked, but like, yeah, now she's gone. But like, that's what I think. It's just all too perfect.

I don't like these simulation theories at all.

It's not a theory.

We're living in a—

no, it's not. It's not.

No, I mean, we are, right?

But isn't that— isn't that crazy?

No, David, it's not. It's called architecture, and it's called like physics. Physics and the way they build things, and they've been building buildings for I know, but you think that some guy would be like, it's done.

But I don't know, man.

Well, what about flying? That's crazy.

Yeah, that's fucking insane too. Like, hop on. I have a question. These are all the questions I've had like during the entire pandemic. I'm just asking you all of them. They're all just like, how do you build skyscrapers? This is, this is also long to do with like building things, like building homes. Like, why is there a law that homes have to disclose when someone's died in the residence. Like, why is that a thing? Because I feel like laws are written in fact, right? Like, they're written because, like, things happen. But, like, I feel like that's, like, almost like a spiritual thing, isn't it?

Yeah, you just don't want, like, bad juju in your house.

Yeah, but, like, spirits, like, on paper aren't real, right? Like, they're not real. Like, no one goes like, yep, but this— you know, it's a law.

You have to disclose that.

Yeah, if someone dies in your cell—

an old person—

if someone's murdered No, if someone dies. In some states, you don't have to say if the person— if someone's died in the house. But in all the states, if a homebuyer asks you outright whether anyone has died in the home, you cannot lie unless you want to risk being later sued for fraud. So what confuses me, like, there's not like— there's not like a company that comes in and like checks for termites, and then one that comes in and be like, oh, you have spirits. Do you mean— so it's like, how is there a law for that, for something that's not real, that like Obviously someone can argue that spirits are real, but it's like such a fucking weird law.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was talking to Zane and Heath and you talked to them about this, but I was curious because I haven't heard it yet. What was it like sneaking around with, with Todd, like before any of us knew that you guys were dating? Like what did you guys do? How did you guys keep it a secret that you guys were hooking up? Because like how long were you hooking up with him until I, until I found out?

Until you were probably like the last person to find out.

Get the fuck out, dude. I feel like probably Really?

Jason and Todd talk a lot, so I feel like you kind of knew. People like knew.

And how long was it? How long were you guys hooking up for until I found out?

Probably 3 months.

Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Oh man, I start crying. That's cool.

Love to be in the know.

That must burn for 3 months.

Like kissed and you didn't know, like little things. It was like a very slow, gradual process.

Okay. How long were you guys having sex? Without me knowing. I'm like a dad. When did you guys start doing it?

I don't know.

Have you guys had sex yet?

I remember knowing before. Really? Yeah.

And wait, what do you mean? Why did everybody know before me? Did everybody find out and it was like prefaced with like, don't tell David? I think so. Wait, really? When you told people, were you like, don't tell David?

Probably.

Yeah.

What did you think my initial reaction was going to be when I found out?

You're going to be so disappointed in me.

Oh my God.

You're like, it was, um, right around the time of the Billboard.

It wasn't disappointing, it was just like, it was like funny because it was like, it's— but I feel like that's how things always work, right? Like, it's always like, well, that's the thing, the girl always goes with like the bad guy.

That was like, I feel like that was the big driving factor and even why we started talking in the first place, because everybody—

because it was a little Billie Eilish reference for the fans in and then I winked because it was so wrong.

Yeah, because it was so frowned upon that I would be with Todd, God forbid.

I would be with Todd.

So there I was, I went and got with Todd. It makes so much sense.

Like, why does it baffle you?

It makes sense now.

It definitely didn't make sense.

Yeah, it didn't make sense for Natalie. Like, when I would ask her, like, why do you guys do it? She'd be like, I don't fucking know, I'm just like bored. Now it's starting to make sense. Like, the more they're together, it's actually pretty impressive. I think like Natalie's like like, how do I say this in a nice way? Natalie's bitchy attitude keeps Todd in check. Like, I think like Todd's like the most like tame version of himself that I've seen. Maybe it's 'cause he's getting older.

He's growing up.

Yeah, she's also older.

It was really cute at the wedding with the two of them.

I went to a wedding with Natalie. She invited me, it was really nice.

She invited me.

I heard, actually you went too. So funny.

Zane and I and Cece and I sat in a hotel room waiting for your call.

Yeah, we went to a wedding, it was for our friend Sloane, and if I'm being honest, only went because Natalie was invited. So I'm sure Sloane just felt bad because at the time when invites were sent, Natalie and I lived together. So I'm sure she didn't want to just— I'm not as close to Sloane as you are. But I love going. I love Sloane. It's just so fun. Yeah, such a fun wedding.

Midwestern wedding. I love that. It was like in Wisconsin.

Lake Geneva. It was amazing. And we brought Jason, Susie, and Zane along. And Natalie asked beforehand if that's cool. And Sloane had no problem with it at all. But it was strange. That's like a really weird thing to bring 3 of your friends to a wedding because we were in— we were in the area and like, we were—

weren't clear to us either if we were really invited. Yeah, and we know that like you have a way of making things happen, and so we were just kind of like, okay. Yeah, and then I knew what was going on. You were at the wedding like, well, you wanted to bring us in at the right time.

Yeah. Yeah, not— but she, she loved when you guys got there. Like, I did. She—

yeah, cuz I felt kind of weird.

Really?

Yeah, it's someone's wedding. It's like, why am I there?

That's so funny. You know, I was— the one thing I will have to say about it, and this isn't anything, this isn't a knock on Sloane or anything, but the actual fucking, like, the marriage process—

I mean, the ceremony is always boring.

No, it's not that it's boring, it's just like, what is it?

Like, what?

I was sitting there and I was baffled. Like, everybody, like, everybody was sitting there and it was like And this guy had like 50 stories about every moment. He's like, do you know what the ring represents?

Like his advice.

The circle is endless love and eternal bound. And it's like for every moment. And there was like 8 traditions and it was like really crazy.

You should go to a Jewish wedding.

Yeah, well, it was a little bit. I think there were some Jewish traditions. It was happening. Yeah. This was like my first wedding other than Josh Peck's wedding, and that was like a Malibu, like, celebrity wedding. So it was a little bit different than like a Midwestern wedding. But it's so old-fashioned.

It was longer. It was supposed to be 20 minutes and ended up being like 50 minutes.

Yeah.

So many stories.

It was such a—

Are you a rabbi?

But the craziest thing about him is he talked about his wife like 3 different times, which was insane. He was like, yeah, when me and Dunya got married, and he'd bring her up like, like, and like to like reference like how special this day is. He's like, and there was a moment where he's like, when I first laid my eyes on Dunya, He was bringing up these moments. I was like, this isn't your wedding. It was fucking crazy. And it was so long. I mean, we kept ours really short and we were—

Marty and I were really—

well, your marriage was also short. You guys kept everything really short.

Maybe that was the problem. Maybe we should have had a longer wedding.

I also think it's fucking crazy that you can't propose at your friend's wedding. Well, I got into like a huge argument— not a huge argument, but I got into an argument with this over Natalie. I was like, if a friend wants to propose at my wedding, I would fucking encourage it. That is the coolest thing. You're sharing my wedding day with the beginning of your, your love life or whatever it is. Like, that's fucking sick. How is that like frowned upon?

You know, when David and I were arguing about this, he was so passionate about it that I was like, I thought he was planning something. Like he wanted Todd to propose to me at Sloan's wedding, but I was absolutely against it. So it was like not happening. And you were trying to convince me that it was okay.

No, because I saw, I saw, I saw TikTok video On TikTok, I saw a video and there was this guy proposing at his like best friend's wedding and all the fucking comments with like 30,000 likes were like, not my wedding, not happening at my wedding. You do you, sis, but not happening here. Like, what the fuck? Who are these selfish fucks that can't share a wedding day?

It's not that.

No, it is that.

It is that wedding day.

What are you talking about?

Because then it's like, it's your day. It's like supposed to celebrate you, your relationship.

That's fucking bullshit. I'd ask all my friends. I'd be like, do you want to propose? Like, this would be cool. Like, I already had the venue. Rent it out? Like, I have a limo we can fucking take, like, we can take out of here.

Like, it's also not a private moment. It's supposed to be a private moment.

Well, sometimes some people like— I don't know, I don't know. That, that, that was— and I asked Ilya, and Ilya was like, don't, don't ever bring in—

you and Ilya are aliens, man. You both are so— like, I was riding in the car with him the other day. I thought I was riding with you.

Wait, why?

Literally goes by like 3 streetlights, he's like Bro, what the fuck? It's fucking nuts. Red, red, and then green, and then yellow, and all these streetlights in a row. Who built these? Like the same thing you were just saying about the buildings. He's like, it's nuts, and then they all know to stop.

How?

Like, I was like, oh my God, David and Ilya, he's the same fucking person when it comes to that. Yeah, I know Ilya would be like, yeah bro, fucking propose at the wedding, let's do it. It's not a double wedding.

I don't give a fuck. I also wanted to bring this up because it just popped into my head, but I talked about it on Carly and Aaron's thing. Everyone's always like, why does David— like, when people meet me in person, they're like, oh my god, you're not laughing at everything. And that always confuses me so much. I'm just like, what the fuck? Do you think I just like walk— like, my laughs on my videos are 100% real, right? Like, I— and like, sometimes I'll record something and they'll be like You'll even say, you'll be like, why don't you laugh? I'll be like, cuz I didn't find it funny.

Right.

Um, but like, people don't understand that I record, like there's 6 hours of footage. What happened the other night? Yeah. Yeah. Why didn't you laugh? I was like, nothing funny happened. And you said it to him. Um, like I record for 6 hours of footage and for 5 hours and about 50 minutes, I'm not laughing.

Mm-hmm.

It is boring as shit. Right. It's just like us trying to make each other laugh. Right. I'm only including the parts that are making me laugh. That is what makes The video is the video. Like, I don't just walk around. I like, I really do love the videos where people impersonate me on TikTok. And like, there was this one guy who like found a fork on the ground and he was like laughing at the fact that he found a fork. I saw that. Um, but, but it, you know, in reality I've, I don't laugh at utensils, but like, but, but it is, but like, I'm only choosing the moments that are funniest to me. And I feel like people don't understand that when they meet me. You're right.

And like, I, I think that happens to a lot of comedians.

Yeah, like, why aren't you here? That a lot.

Oh yeah, comedians like, yo, I met, um, Dave Chappelle and he was just really chill. Yeah, yeah, the guy's probably just hanging out.

Yeah, and like, and like, I'll be just hanging out like without a camera and like you'll catch my real, like, my, my laugh that I put in videos. Yes, but that's just because something really funny happened. What's your least favorite quality about Natalie?

About Natalie? My least favorite quality?

This will be good.

I've really grown to love, love, love Natalie.

Shut the fuck up.

I really have.

Really?

My least favorite thing— my least favorite thing is, even though so many people have come up to me and told me this, she still won't admit that at one point she had a crush on me.

Oh, I don't understand why you're so obsessed with me.

I'm not obsessed with you. I just want you to— why? So you know what it is? You have like 4 secrets that you keep from me, and this is— I know this is one of them.

What are the other 3?

I don't know.

I understand, like, dude, who you were before you were rich and fucking famous. You were the biggest fucking loser.

I don't know why you asked me to the dance.

I've gone along thinking that, yeah, she had a crush on you at one point because she'd just get really upset.

Can I— can I say about other girls? Can I say yes? Thank you. That's what it is. Can I say something? Can I say something?

You say something because I have— I already have a pre-planned—

hold on, hold on, hold on. Here's the thing. I, I honestly would fuck with Natalie and be like, did you have a crush on me? Part of me did think that you had a crush on me, but I didn't think she had a crush on me until people started saying, dude, she has a crush on you.

Right.

And that's when people also said the same shit about you to me. No, no, but they're saying this like recently. Like I'm talking about like 2, 3 years ago. Like when we get on each other's nerves, they'd be like, dude, you're sexual tension. No, not, not like that at all. No, they'd be like, like you, Natalie, like, you know, when we used to get into like fights and like we were like really emotional around each other, whatever it was, we used to get like into like little scruffles. Um, and, and people come up to me and be like, you're an idiot. She likes you. She has a crush on you. And I was like, no, she doesn't. I know her. She doesn't have a crush on me. And, but like so many people would say it. You would say it too, Jay. And your, and your mother would say it. And, and, and deadass, I'm being deadass, like I don't have a crush on her anymore. I did have one in high school. Like what? She asked me to the dance. I was like, I kind of got a liking for her or whatever. We talked about this millions of times. We talk about this all the time, but I, but I thought, I thought maybe for once she could be honest with me. Like maybe because it's because we're in Europe, like maybe she can open up and like tell me the truth here.

But no, I think it's kind of weird. Like you've all had crushes on Natalie. Ilya had a crush on Natalie. You had a crush on Natalie.

Todd, she's the only girl that's around. Yeah, the mime had a crush on Natalie. No, Nat.

So let me— so this is— I was thinking about this the other night because you and I got another little tizzy about this the other night. You're like, I know that you are in love with me. And I'm like, No, I'm fucking not.

I don't say in love. I say I don't think you like me anymore. I think you're very happy with Todd. I'm not trying to intrude on that at all. And I deadass have no feelings towards you at all anymore. And I don't think you have feelings towards me at all. But I'm saying at one point, at one point in your last 25 years on Earth, can I say one thing? You have had a crush on me.

There was a point in time, and I know this because people would say this about us all the time, our close friends, and when people would ship us, right, on the internet, right? There was this time where people were like, infatuated with your and my relationship. And I think genuinely, I was thinking about this, I was like, I was— I'm so emotionally invested in what we do, and I'm emotionally invested in a lot of things. Like, I get worked up about a lot of things, and my, my life, 90% of my time, is dedicated towards taking care of you, making sure you do shit properly.

Don't make me sound like a baby.

You are a child, a little child. And in a way, in a way, I'm, I'm your friend. There's this weird little line because I'm your friend, but I'm also like your mother. Like, I literally take care of you and do things.

You check your diaper.

So of course, like, of course I'm like, where are you getting with—

where are you getting with this?

Because you're saying that I— that you think I liked you.

You're reading—

because I cared so much and I was doing so much, I was so involved.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. There's some part of that.

If you were to say, yeah, I had a crush on you from February of 2018 to May of 2018, what would you say?

I'd be like, I knew it! And nothing would change. That's why I'm so confused why she won't admit it.

You know, you always say you're you act whenever you like talk about other girls or whatever, because I get so annoyed.

Oh my God. Ilya and I bring up other girls, bro. This fucking woman. It's like, it's like, it's like she's dating the both of us because I'm so annoyed. And Ilya and I are like, what? We love girls. What's the problem? And he's like, and she's always just like, no, this is not okay. Talk about something else. Like your ambitions in life. Talk about where you want to be in 5 years. I'm like, what the fuck is this? A job interview, bro? Let us fucking talk. And then, and then, and then dude, she'll have the audacity later, later. She did this like 3 months ago. She'll bitch that we don't talk to her enough.

She'll—

and I'll be like, because every time we try talking to you, you fucking bitch at us and say we shouldn't talk about girls.

Because I don't want to talk about other women with you. I want to talk about what we're getting done. How are we succeeding in life? What are we doing with our careers? Oh, and you're like, well, this girl—

Ilya and I, all we care about is we want to get married. That is our career. And if you don't support us, you're not— you idiot. Yes, it is. Because when I get married, when I, when I find a girlfriend, I'm done with this job. I am out. I'm leaving you, Jason. I'm leaving you, Natalie. And you know what this feels like? Like this feels like I'm like— it feels— I, I wish people could see it from my point of view because it feels really desperate and like, like I'm in denial.

It's real desperate. In the last 5 minutes it's been real.

I swear to God it's not like that. Like, I'm being deadass. It's, it's just because I hear it from other people. I don't want to say names.

Can I tell you that literally at the same point in time in our lives, people would say that to me.

But people have been— people that have been really close to you have come up to me and been like, what do you think happens with you? And then been like, no, dude, this is the same fucking thing. No, Natalie, Natalie, Natalie, people are really close. I don't want to know.

You think you're so cool and I should like you.

No, no, no, it's not what it is at all.

Okay, can I say something that I heard once?

Sure.

Okay, ready? Look how nervous she is. Is this okay? Can I talk about this?

I mean, you can say it. It's not okay.

Can I talk about this before we know what it is?

Okay, one time, one time I had a girl over.

Okay.

And, um, and apparently you were looking at the cameras and you got really hurt by it.

Wait, what? No, I didn't.

That's what I hear.

Who told you this?

Oh, look how nervous you are. You're turning red, you fucking idiot. I got you.

No, because I know that this is where all of this stems from.

No, this isn't. This is just the beginning. Okay, who told me it? Who said her name starts with an R? Right.

Okay.

Rachel.

Rachel.

Oh, that bitch.

No, no, Rachel's not her full name, but It's, you know, it starts with an R. You know her?

I do.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. Well, maybe Jason doesn't know her, but yeah. Okay. What happened?

She would always tell me that you love me, that that's why you treated me that way. That's why you always looked at me as like a motherly figure or whatever, like to take care of you.

Bullshit.

I feel like you're so blind to how you act that you think that like, I don't know, things are one way when they're not.

Rachel wasn't the only person to tell me this. This was— so what happened with the camera? You saw on camera that I was with another girl.

I This situation sounds familiar.

Oh, see, CJ, I honestly don't really remember, but, um, yeah, it's funny how you try to—

he's real good at different—

well, there was—

she's so good at it, dude. She's so good at it. And I, I'm her, like, I'm like one of her closest friends, and she deflects a lot. Like, I'll bring up a lot of things and she just like doesn't want to talk about things.

You know who else is really good at it?

Who?

You.

No. Yeah, no, okay, I get it, but like But like, if Natalie asked me a question, I'll answer it honestly. But there'll be questions that I'll ask Natalie. I'm not talking about this one, but like other questions that she just won't answer. And like, I'm not a gossipy person, so like, I don't know why you won't tell me.

You're literally a fucking drama gossip.

Oh, stop it. I, I am the best secret keeper. Are you?

No, you're not.

Are you fucking with me?

Not— okay, if I told you something like genuinely serious.

Yeah. If you were like, keep this a secret.

Yes.

Are you kidding? I've never broke gossip. I've never broken a secret.

Ever.

To say you don't gossip is different.

You know what the best part about keeping secrets is? What? It's like, you know, like when you're like, this happened to me the other day. I was with somebody and he was like, he was like, tell me like the biggest celebrity you've ever hooked up with. That's what he said. And this person that I was talking to was also, has also revealed a lot of secrets to me.

Yeah.

Right. And he's told me, he's like, don't tell anybody these secrets. And then he was like, dude, come on, fucking tell me who the biggest celebrity is. Like, he really wanted to know, which I totally get. Cause I'd want to know. Um, And I'm like, I can't. I'm not going to tell you just because the same way I have these secrets with you, I have these secrets with other people. And he was just like, damn, you're right. Okay, never mind. But that was really cool. Like, it was like a really cool way to get out of like telling people a secret because—

well, I would think that you—

because if you tell people's secrets, then no one's going to trust you with their secret.

Oh, I see. Yeah, I get you.

And like, I thought that was like really cool that he respected it because it's like, yeah, that makes sense. Like, if you fucking start spilling the beans, then I wouldn't trust you with anything either. Anyway, Natalie's in love with me. I'm going to end the segment of the podcast here. Let's talk about something else.

So you used to be a dweeb?

No. Is that what you're saying? No, Natalie. No, dude, she paints me like that. I was a jock in high school. I mean, literally, look at the letters.

So many sports you play?

Well, I play baseball, football.

That's really funny. I never thought of you as a dweeb before.

Yeah, I was the QB. I was still cool in high school.

It's a little different. I mean, you're like a full-blown celebrity now.

Was he cool in high school, though? That's all I need to know.

You know, I don't want to say that he was like the ultimate loser because he wasn't like the math nerd that didn't talk to anybody.

Right, right. The ultimate loser. What a fucking asshole. I can't believe I grew up with this.

If you ranked him in popularity out of 700 kids in your class, how many kids in your class?

Well, everybody knew David.

Okay, so where would he rank?

Number 1.

How many kids in your graduating class?

Oh, okay. I'll rank myself. I'll rank— now you rank yourself out of 7. There was like 700 kids, we could say.

Yeah.

Where would you fall out of 700 kids? I'm like, who's the most popular? Kids from my high school are going to be watching this and I'm going to get messages like, no, you weren't, you fucking loser. I'd say in my humble opinion, yeah, I was 490. No, higher than that. 63.

Really?

It was definitely like, definitely, definitely in the top 100.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I mean, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. We're in the top 50. I just thought—

I don't know if you're maybe top 50. Yeah, I didn't want to say it because I didn't want Natalie to fucking bitch at me, but I was thinking top 50. Okay. Honestly, probably like 47. That's where I put me. And now, now, what would you put yourself at? I have the perfect number for you. I already know. Let's say at the same time.

3, 2.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay.

Yeah.

Think about it.

If you're 47, I feel like there's like a lot of— Okay. Okay.

3, 2, 1. 7. Oh, I mean, where we are talking about in our class.

I know, I felt like there's a lot of kids who are way more popular than me.

Fuck, this just shows that I really have a big crush on Natalie. I mean, 700, you were the last one, bitch.

Why don't you like doing the podcast?

What? I do like doing the pod— you have this thing where you think I don't like to—

I have a theory, which is that what you don't like about the podcast is me, that I'm attached to the podcast, that I am part of the podcast.

You know, I could see how that would be true. No, no, I'm kidding. You're— you're— Jay, I'm not even just saying this to blow smoke up your ass. You're definitely— I mean, you're obviously 50% of this whole fucking thing. Yeah, financially, financially, financially, you're 30%. But that's just because you had a— you had a shit deal. I don't know. Who's your manager? Yours. Oh, see, I mean, that's why we— that's why we We can't make the deal 50/50 because there's so many good jokes that come out of 70/30. Like we got, we got to keep it like this. No. Do you want to renegotiate?

Sure.

I'm thinking of a number 1 through 50. If you get it, we'll renegotiate. Here we go. Deadass. And I'll tell you if you get it.

Okay.

3, 2, 1.

40.

Oh, you didn't say anything. Well, I just had in my head.

Oh, what was it?

37.

I'll take it.

No, that's not the percentage. Oh no, no, no. That was just that if you got the number, then we'd start renegotiating. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

That's not fair. No, that was close.

Yeah, that was close.

Damn, I would have gotten the opportunity to renegotiate. Is that what that was?

You get the opportunity. I thought if we thought the same thing, you'd get the opportunity to maybe win back a percentage or two.

I thought you're gonna go down and give me less.

Oh no, I'm sorry.

I'd like to stop real quick and just say my favorite comedian passed away, Norm MacDonald.

Oh yeah, you fucking love Norm.

I love Norm MacDonald.

He always bring him up, you know.

Right, of course I know Norm.

I worked— I worked for him. I worked for Norm MacDonald.

Oh, you worked for him?

What do you mean?

How do you not know that I worked for him?

No, I knew you worked for him. I was just— I was just—

you didn't? No.

Yes, I did, because I was— I was— I was saying it from the audience. I was trying to catch the audience up by acting like the audience. Maybe the audience doesn't know, but I didn't listen to anything I said. No, I knew you worked for Norm. You and Norm back in—

yeah, where'd we work?

Where?

What show?

Uh, How I Met Your Mother. Um, I don't know. Oh, SNL, probably.

Yeah, SNL. Yeah.

Oh wait, you actually worked for him?

I did. I worked for him for 2 years.

When you—

hold on, he was the funniest guy. He— David, sorry, as funny as you are, sorry, sorry, he trumps you.

Sorry.

In so many ways.

Don't bring politics into this. So here's the thing, did you, did you actually work for him, or is this like, is this like when you said you knew Jimmy Kimmel and then we went up and maybe Jimmy Kimmel will remember me? Because we went up a thousand times. We went up to Jimmy Kimmel and he didn't know who you were. He specifically asked, I said, do you remember, do you remember this guy? And he said, no, I don't, but I think I know who you are. And he pointed to me. So is this the same thing with Norm?

That Jimmy Kimmel story, man.

Is this the same thing?

No, I actually worked for him.

Like, you went and got his stuff?

I went and got all his stuff. I took him home when he was drunk one night. What else?

Oh, you were like a straight-up assistant?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was great, and he taught me so much about everything, about comedy.

What's your favorite joke from him?

My favorite joke is— oh, I'm so glad you asked. Okay, so my favorite joke is he had this bit about homeless people and dogs, and he'd be like, you ever, you ever pass by a homeless person with a dog and the dog's like, hey, I can do this by myself?

That's really funny. Natalie's not laughing. What do you mean you don't get it?

Like the dog can take care of itself?

Like, like the dog, the dog can be homeless on his own? Like why does the dog have an owner?

Oh, sure. That's the funniest joke.

I'm sorry, Jay. I know you lost somebody special to you and fucking— Natalie, are you fucking kidding me? It's a good joke.

Is it?

I mean, Jason's delivery is a little like—

Yeah, my delivery wasn't great.

It's off. But it's a really funny joke.

Yeah, it's my favorite.

I don't know. I was watching some Norm videos this morning and he was pretty funny, but that was definitely not as funny.

Well, you also have to keep in mind Jason didn't know him as well as we think, so that's probably the only joke he's actually ever heard from him. What was like a moment you remember?

One time, one time I was, I was like 21 and I was like an intern or whatever. And I hooked up with this girl. And when I was there, she tried to put cocaine on my penis and snort cocaine off my penis that night.

And she tried or she did it? You can be honest. She did it. There's no way you said no.

You're right.

No way you drew the line at cocaine on penis. Whoa.

So I went in the next day and, and I told Norman. He was like kind of like an older brother to me at this point, and I was new to the city, so I was like, oh my god, wait, how long have you been working for him now? Like, now that you give him this big story, maybe like I'd been working a couple of like 8 weeks. Oh, so something like that. Or like, I had to move to New York and I lived with like in like a shack and like I didn't know anybody.

And because Taylor didn't start telling me her cocaine stories till like 4 months in, at least.

I said to him, I was I was like, yeah, the girl like tried to put cocaine in my penis. And I was like, don't tell anybody. And he was like, yeah, yeah, okay, I won't tell anyone. And then he would proceed to just tell everybody that story over and over and over again. So if the UPS guy came in to like hand a package, before he'd leave, he'd be like, oh, Jerry, before you go. And he'd be like, oh yeah, what is it, Norm? And he'd be like, this guy right here likes to put cocaine on his cock.

Oh my God.

That's funny.

And then he even said it to my mother when my mother came to the party. Oh my gosh, she was like, hey, yeah, like, you know, your son likes to put the cocaine on his cock.

Were your parents really proud of you that you were working at SNL?

So proud. Yeah, yeah, my mom was like— I remember my mom, she was like, I bet you do a lot of weird stuff too. She had a great comeback. Um, great.

All right guys, that's all the time we have for today. Thank you guys for listening. New podcast next week on Wednesday. Hope you guys enjoy it. And maybe, Jay, maybe we'll even do two a week.

What?

Yeah, tell me what you guys think about this idea. I want to do two podcasts a week, and one will maybe be behind like a paywall of like Patreon or something. And I want to make like 100% of the money go to—

oh cool, we'll make some money.

No, no, I want to make 100% of the money go to people that we surprise in the vlogs. So like the people that are paying for the Patreon know where their money's going to. I think that could be like a cool thing. Well, why are you laughing?

Because I just like— I was excited we'd make some money, but you're just gonna give it all away.

Yeah, well, it'll be fun. You'll get happiness and joy in return. But yeah, let me know if you guys want two podcasts, one behind a paywall, one regular. Okay, I'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff. Bye!