David Goes to Court

Hi everybody.

Welcome back to Fuse. Can you imagine that's what someone hears the first time they turn on our podcast? Man, that David guy fucking has a weird voice. This podcast, I'm only going to be talking like this and no one has anything to say about it, right? Jason, what voice are you going to be using this podcast?

I'm going to be using my regular voice. What the fuck are you doing right now?

Okay, roll the intro music. Hey guys, it's the Views Podcast. I'm David, that's Jason. Um, I want to talk about the other day I went to court, Jason. I went to court for, um, oh yeah, I heard, for a moving violation, for, for a couple tickets I got for, uh, my speeding.

When did you get a speeding ticket?

I was very bad. I was speeding, didn't have my license on me because my wallet got stolen, so I didn't have anything on me. I had— I didn't have plates on my car either, so my wallet was taken like a week before this, right? And I didn't have— I didn't have my license, didn't have my insurance. And didn't have my registration. Yeah, it was really bad. Really bad. I showed him some pictures on my phone. Like, that's how I proved who I was.

Pictures of, like, you and Jeff.

Just pictures. Pictures of me and Charlie Puth. You sure you want to give me a ticket? I know Charlie Puth. No.

Anyway, so I got to call this in.

Yeah. First off, I was insured when I got pulled over, but I got to the courtroom and the judge, like, talks for, like, 5 minutes. She gives a whole speech about, like, whatever, whatever you got to do.

Yeah.

And then she goes, maybe I can get some people out of here earlier. And she goes, is there a David Dobrik here? And I go, yes. And she goes, were you insured May of 2019? And I didn't know when I got pulled over, so I went, uh. And she's like, I'll take that as a no. So you're gonna have to listen to me for a little bit longer.

Oh no, David.

Yeah, and then she gave me another, and then she started talking for another 15, 20 minutes. And then there was this other guy there, he was, And that whole 15 or 20 minutes, you're like, I should have said yes. I should have said yes. I should have said yes because I was insured. Yeah, I should have fucking said yes. And then she came to me and she was like, and she was like, okay, show me proof that you have everything on your car or whatever.

Yeah.

And I was like, here's my insurance, here's this. And she's like, were you insured on that day? And I was like, I don't know, I'll just pay the fine. And she's like, are you sure you want to pay the fine? We could save you $50. And I was like, I'll just pay the fine because I need to get out of there. I needed to post. I was like, I'll pay the fine. She's like, I don't know, I would go call my insurance.

All right.

Like, she was not letting me pay this fucking thing. So I'm like, okay, I'll step out. So I stepped out, called my insurance. Turns out I was insured. So whatever, I saved $50. I went back in and I was like, here, here's my proof of insurance. At that time I was insured. And she's like, okay, great, I saved you $50. And then she's like, show me proof that you have license plates on both sides of your vehicle now. And I'm like, I only have it on the back. And she's like, okay, well then you have to come back another day when you have it on the front. And I was like, what? And then, and then the cop next to me goes, just tell her you'll pay, tell her you'll pay. And I was like, that's an option? He's like, yeah, it's an option. I was like, okay, can I pay a fine? And she's like, you really want to pay $100 right now as opposed to coming back later? And like, coming back later is a big waste of time. Going to court in Beverly Hills, that's like a— it's like a— it's a 4 or 5 hour thing. Yeah, like that's a lot of time to go. So I'm like, Yes, I'll pay, I'll pay. And she was just such a stickler on like— she was just such a hard-ass. And there's this guy next to me who was— this was— this— he, he was there, he was asking for an extension on his payment. And she was like, this is the third time you're asking me for an extension, right? And, and he was like, I know, I know. And he's— and she's like, when do you want it till? And he's like, can I have it till like the end of January? And I was like, wow, that's a long time. So he really needs help like paying this off. And then she's like, I'll give you till Christmas and then you have to come back here. And I was just like, this poor guy's gonna have to come back here on fucking Christmas. So before he left, I told him that I would pay for it. So Natalie ran out and got cash for him so he can come back and pay it there.

How much was it?

It was $500.

Oh, that's so nice, David.

But yeah, it was, he was, I just didn't want him to go back.

Yeah, right. You're like, this is awful, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.

Especially on Christmas, I'm like, you're not fucking coming back here, there's no way. And the reason I paid for it was before she went to the guy, and she goes, you owe us $500. That's your fine. And then she asks everybody else that's there in court, she's like, would anybody here like to pay his fines, as a joke. But she was being sarcastic, sassy the entire time.

She's seen too much Judge Judy.

But it doesn't work. It doesn't work when you're the judge, because you just come off arrogant, because you already have so much power. So it doesn't come off in a funny way. It just comes off in a condescending way.

Dictator.

Yeah, just like a dictator way. And, and, and, and yeah. And I want to raise my hand, but I didn't want to tell everybody that was going to pay for this guy because it would have been just weird, right? So I just like, I was like, yeah, I'm going to pay for it just because she's giving so much attitude to— oh, because she goes— because no one raised their hand to pay for it, obviously. And she goes, well, looks like you have no friends here. And I was like, what's going on?

So surprise, bitch.

Yeah. So, so I wanted to pay for the guy, but that was, that was such a weird—

what did the judge say when you paid for him?

I left. I wasn't there.

You didn't fall for that?

Yeah, I was just getting the cash.

Great, man. And then I laughed. What did I say?

He was very confused. He was? Yeah, he was very confused.

What did he say?

He's very, very thankful. Like what? Yeah, he's like, what do you mean you're gonna pay for it? I was like, yeah, I just want to pay for it just for Christmas and let me do it. So yeah, so I did that. And then, um, that's nice.

Yeah, I heard you got some Pop-Tarts in the mail the other day.

I got Pop-Tarts in the mail too. Yeah, I love Pop-Tarts. Let me see.

I was in the— I was outside and I was like working on something, and David's like, Jason, Jason, you gotta come in here, bro, bro, come now, please, please come now. I'm like, oh, what's going on?

Yeah, so I got a delivery of Pop-Tarts. I love Pop-Tarts, and they sent me like a care package from Pop-Tarts, and it was, it was a little box. So I'm like, oh, there's probably one box of Pop-Tarts in there, like a new flavor, something like, I don't know, some fucking crazy bubblegum Pop-Tarts. Yeah, like Bruno Mars blue raspberry, Justin Timberlake flavored Pop-Tarts. Anyway, so I open it and it was the brown sugar cinnamon Pop-Tart, which I love. But guess what? It was fucking unfrosted. And I almost lost— I looked around because I thought maybe Natalie was recording me. I thought it was a prank. I was like, who eats these Pop-Tarts when they're not— the frosting is the best part of the Pop-Tarts.

Yeah.

And then I brought everybody into the room individually and I showed Natalie. Now he goes, ew, what the fuck is that?

You know, Natalie knows her snacks. Yeah.

I kept pulling random people. I'm like, do you see something wrong with this? And they're like, yeah, where the fuck is the frosting? I was thinking about— I was thinking about how, like, singers write about, like, experiences in their lives. Like, if they get— if they break up with somebody, they're like— they write about the person they broke up with.

Think about that. Yeah, especially breakup songs. Like, man, what does that person think?

Exactly. Like, what I'm curious is, like, imagine if I dated a singer and she broke up with me. Like, I wonder what the song would be like.

Yeah, like, she would have some serious shit to say about you.

I don't know. Has anyone ever written a song about you?

A-Team by Ed Sheeran.

Yeah, that's about you.

Yeah, I don't like to say it because it was a very private moment between me and Ed.

Oh my god, it makes so much sense now thinking about the lyrics.

I call him Teddy.

Sure.

Yeah, it's— it's when you— when you listen to the lyrics, stuck in A-Team, he changed it to her.

I was gonna say he references a she, so that makes a lot of sense because—

because it was He wanted to throw people off the scent. Yeah, he didn't want— I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired. I want to live my truth.

Yeah, you should.

That song is about me. A-Team's about me. Also, Baby by Justin Bieber.

It's about me and my best friend. There's two of us and he couldn't choose which one. And he's kind of— well, he first, when, when he wrote it, he sang it to us first. He's like, hey, I don't know if you're cool with this. And we're like He wasn't anything at the time, so we were like, yeah, this song's not gonna pick up. All you're saying is baby. I was like, yeah, I don't care. So yeah, Justin wrote that song about me and, um, me and my friend.

I didn't know you were such a muse.

And I picked— yeah, I've been, you know, I moved to LA when I was 18, and people think it was to pursue Vine, but really it was to pursue helping artists. Yeah, do you know Kick Messenger? Yeah, yeah, I would message all these artists like low-key on there, and I'd fall in love with each of them. And I was— I'm actually— I actually help artists write songs.

Oh my god.

Yeah, I was put on this planet to fall in love with artists so they can write music.

That's so great. Have you had any other babies?

You should have— you should have been there for the writing process for Baby, right? Oh my god, what happened? Justin does this really cute thing. He— what he does is he, he puts on a glove on his left hand because it's his thinking glove. And then his right arm is exposed to all the elements, and he puts it on my thigh. And you can, as the bass of the song increases, he grips my thigh tighter and tighter.

So in a way, you're the one writing the song.

So yeah, he, it's almost what he calls it. He calls it person reflection.

Okay.

And basically he's taking a lot. I don't know. I can't continue this.

It's a vibe.

I can't continue this.

Person reflection, I was ready for it. That was good. I was ready for person reflection.

I can't continue this bullshit story about Justin, but yes, that Ed Sheeran's A-Team is about me.

You like the videos more than me? Yeah, it's really hard.

All you do is—

you're editing until 3.

Yeah, what would it pass like? Mine couldn't be like serious, man.

I'd just be like, you love the paintball gun more than you love me, so put down the paintball gun, David.

I shot my shot with you, but all you shoot is Jason. Um, yeah, that'd be a very interesting song.

And I know you're secretly in love with Natalie.

You know, when the Justin Bieber Baby music video came out, I think the exact time that the music video would play is how long it took me to leave my house to walk to middle school. So every morning, that's what I would— I would watch Baby by Justin Bieber and walk to school.

Are you serious? Yeah.

Are you really in love with him?

Um, yes, in the— well, in the music video, in the Baby music video, there's this brunette girl that's like his love interest. David, right? Yeah, the female version of David.

Yeah.

And I always thought I was like, that's gonna be me one day.

Did you really think that?

Yeah, like, I mean, that music video was like iconic for my generation. It's as shitty as it is, it's like one of the worst. It's like so—

Natalie's done that a lot though. Natalie's— Natalie's told me about like songs that she's listened to and she thought they're like— they were about her as a kid, right? You've done— this isn't the first time you've like, you've seriously had one psychopath. That's a huge, uh, it is, it is very cystic thing. It's super, super— it's like a very scary thing.

Wait, I'm sorry, why are we all turning on me right now? None of what you're saying is true. No, no.

Yeah, you told me that as a kid you listened to some songs and you would think that they're singing about you.

Is this in your dreams? Like, when are you talking to me about this? No, I haven't.

You literally just said it about Justin Bieber.

Well, I did say about you because you just told us.

Shut up, Jay.

I think Natalie and David are turning into the same person. I've been watching it over the course of a few weeks now. David getting more feminine, Natalie getting more masculine. I'm not sure who's who sometimes.

I've always been more masculine than David.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean, girl?

You know I love your high school friends, right, David?

I love my high school— yes, you do.

These are great guys. I really do love your high school friends. You know what's nice about them? They never get jealous of you or anything. They're just awesome guys. This was so funny. We were at, uh, we were in Chicago, we were having deep dish, and David was in quite the mood that night because he was trying to get Ilya to go get drunk and he wouldn't.

Sure.

You were in a, you know, a mood.

Yeah.

And, uh, and then, uh, David's friend Alex, who's so nice He's just like eating his deep dish and he goes, he goes, hey man, you know, the podcast is 70/30. He goes, I don't know why. He goes, he was dead serious. He goes, I don't get why it's 70/30. He's like, you know, you're just as funny as David. Like that. And, uh, and I was like, oh boy, here we go. And then I think Ilya goes, yeah, I don't know why it should be 70/30 either, should be 50/50.

Yeah, they were all standing up for Jason.

Yeah. So then David, that lets like, there's like a lot of silence. I'm waiting to see how this goes. This is David, this is one of my favorite fucking things you've ever done. I've learned that the things that you do, this was one of my favorites. Dave fucking, he finished, he takes a bite of his pizza like a goddamn mob boss, takes his napkin, dabs each side of his mouth, puts the napkin on the table. It should be 9 to 1, but I like the guy. Oh man, so we've been traveling a lot, huh?

A ton.

Oh my God, everywhere. I don't even know. We were in Pittsburgh. Uh, Natalie, that was quite the fight you had with David on the way back from Pittsburgh. Oh God, remember that one?

What fight did we have?

You remember the fight you guys had in the back seat?

Oh yeah, I told her to get a new laptop.

Yeah.

Oh, that bullshit.

Didn't we—

where did we talk about this?

We started talking about it last week, but Natalie wasn't here, so we couldn't do it.

Oh, so we didn't put in the podcast?

We didn't.

Oh yeah, yeah, we were— yeah, we were—

we were—

Natalie and I got in a fight. I was editing on her computer, and I— and it's a computer that I paid for with my money, like my credit card, because she works for me. So I got her computer, and I was like, this computer's really slow, you need to get a new one. Go get a new one when we get back.

And she goes, no, she goes, no, no, I love this because my computer's fine. My computer works fine when I'm here, but when you're here, you bring bad energy. And, and Natalie's In her defense, it was fucking late and we were all really tired. It was like 1 in the morning, we were driving.

Sure.

And now it was like, but when you're around, you bring bad energy and the computer senses that. The computer knows that you're bringing bad energy.

That's why it's slow. And I'm like, just go get a new one. Let's get a new one. Cause she, she like works on like the smaller MacBooks, the MacBook Air. So it's a MacBook Air and it's smaller so she can fit it like in her bag or whatever, which I totally get. But I'm like, get a bigger one so it's easier to work on. And then she's like, And then she starts giving me like— she starts talking to me as if like, as if she bought the laptop, as if she made the laptop with her own hands, like she built it. And like, I'm like making fun of something that she put together. I'm like, Natalie, I'm not like making fun of you. I'm saying take my credit card and go get yourself a nicer laptop.

No, but I don't like when you— I respect you're my boss and it's your money.

Sure.

But I don't like when you make decisions for me. Like, I made the decision to get that laptop because I like that laptop and that's the one that I wanted. And I don't Want you shitting on my decisions.

I'm not shitting on your decision, I'm, I'm just thinking—

No, you are. We talk about this damn laptop at least once a week.

You've outgrown the laptop. Just get a bigger laptop.

I haven't.

That's faster and that could process all the information.

I promise you it was your negative energy that was fucking with my laptop.

It isn't my negative energy. I have a feeling, I have a feeling we'd be vlogging right now on the moon if you had a better laptop.

Interesting, interesting.

You'd be able to get so many more deals.

We'd be vlogging on the moon if you fucking got your shit together before noon every single day. Oh, Natalie.

Oh You got quite the balls.

Burn, baby, burn.

Maybe, maybe, you know, maybe we'd be fucking— we'd be vlogging on Mars.

He got up, he was just laying down, now he's here.

We'd be vlogging on Mars if you didn't go through my fucking entire pantry from the entire fucking day and maybe got some work done.

Okay, that was pretty good. Well, we'd be vlogging on fucking the sun with all the lit content we'd be making if you Yeah, I can't think of anything because I run a tight ship around here. If you shut the fuck up.

If you would stop having Nerf battles in the middle of the day when we only have a limited amount of sunlight, motherfucker.

Yeah, I did that because it helps me feel young again, so I'm motivated to continue vlogging.

Yeah, and then you were too tired to vlog.

Yeah, whatever. Now, you got anything else to say?

I don't know, I'm really trying hard over here to think of something.

Just get a new laptop, just for fuck's sake, get a new laptop.

Yeah, but then it's heavy, she can't carry the heavy laptop.

I understand that.

It's a lot for her to carry.

We'll get you a new backpack too, and we'll get you a personal trainer if it means Oh, really?

I mean, that, that I would love.

We'll get you personal training to help you carry your bigger laptop.

Let me talk. Stop talking over me.

No, you bring—

the mic's probably not even working because you bring such bad energy. You trying to laugh over me? Are you trying to laugh over me?

No.

Cut her, cut her mic now, Dima. Cut her mic. Pull the strings on her mic.

Natalie, you're really good on the podcast. You are. But remember that one time you told that dud of a story?

Oh my God, what was that story?

And, and, and, and we were all like, well, it was a dud. Natalie was like, like, oh my God, oh my God, I don't know, I didn't think it was that bad. Was it that bad? And we were like, yeah, it was bad. And then, and then you were like, oh God, I'm so embarrassed. And then I was like, I tell duds all the time that don't make it in.

I was really excited. That was, um, yeah, I was excited.

What's your new story?

Okay, so my new story is that David let me have a day off last week, which was so nice of him. I had a full 20 hours to myself.

Of course.

And everything went to shit without you.

No, it was great here.

David, at the time I was like, it was great. I wasn't here harping down. Anyway, so yeah, he let me have the day off so kindly because, um, my mother and I, since I've been born, we have gone to every single Madonna concert together. And I don't know, I just thought it was really interesting. If anybody's ever been to a Madonna concert, I would love to see Madonna.

What did she say?

Just stop fucking talking.

What is the story?

No, David, be nice.

Sorry, sorry. Excuse me.

You need another—

you need the negative energy. Okay, the negative fucking energy.

Yeah, somewhere her laptop just started to smoke.

No, I just throw you in. David's nice to you. I get so thrown.

Hey, sweetie, shut the fuck up.

Don't ever say that to me.

The other day, darling, don't touch my knee.

The other day, don't touch me.

Sent me an email. David sent me an email, like, and he never sent you an email. Yeah, he sent me an email that I got, like, Jay, that wasn't me.

I never sent you an email.

It came from David Dobrik.

No, I haven't been on my email in months.

It said that they're naming a sandwich after me. After—

oh, I sent that to you. That was me. Sorry, that was me.

Yeah, I don't send emails.

I know, I got all excited. I was like, it literally said— it literally— it was like, uh, they're naming a sandwich after David. And then it was like a forward, like, hey, this sounds like this could be good for your vlog. And I was like, David, they're naming a sandwich after me? I love that's what you drew from the story.

Well That's a big deal.

No, that's not what you're supposed to draw from the story. You're supposed to draw from the story. I should be nicer to Jason.

No, fuck that. They're naming a sandwich after— is this a meatball sub or an Italian beef? What is this? What are— what sandwich is this?

There is a sandwich shop like deep in the valley that is— they, they've never— they've been around since like 1940.

Yeah.

And they've never added a new item to their menu, but they want to add a dough brick sandwich.

Oh my God. It's amazing. What kind of a sandwich?

I don't know, you can make whatever you want. But I was going through the emails and I thought that, you know, you don't have a lot of time and I, you know, Jason could build a whole vlogger on that. So I just forwarded it to him as like a good little idea for him.

Oh, so you gave the sandwich naming opportunity to Jason? So now Jason gets to name the sandwich?

Yeah.

Uh, no, no, no, no, you, you name the sandwich, I'll go vlog it. No, they're not gonna name a sandwich after me.

No. Yeah, they will.

They will.

Will they?

Will they?

I don't know. I was hoping you would just like take it over after I sent the email to you.

Okay, what's the name of the shop? Plug it now so I can get a sandwich named after me.

I don't know, Jason.

Just name it The View Sandwich.

Okay, that's good.

We'll share it.

What do you want on it? No, seriously, what would The View Sandwich be?

Probably a meatball sub with green peppers and cucumbers.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, cucumbers on a meatball sub?

I don't want to argue with you right now.

Okay, it's fine.

I'm too much negative energy according to Natalie.

Lots.

What about eggplant parm? Is that a new sandwich?

No. What the fuck is that, eggplant parm?

What about steak and cheese? That's very views.

That's pretty good.

Chicken tender sub.

You read my motherfucking mind.

I see. You don't— I'm getting from you, you don't really give a fuck what it is. Um, no, you know, then I'll just name it.

Chicken tender sub is good.

Okay, it's at the substation in Riverside. That's where they want to name the Dobrik sandwich. David let me have the day off the other day.

Oh, okay. Yeah, and it's the Madonna show, right?

Yes, and I got to take my mom to the Madonna show, which I've gone to every single year with her since I've been born. We've gone to every Madonna show. You deserve it in Chicago. Oh my God, thank you so much.

You're the most hardworking.

Did you guys buy merch?

No, I wasn't like a fan of her merch, to be honest.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it was—

that's like a big part of the show when I go with my kids.

I always buy like a concert tee when I go to a concert, but there wasn't really anything there that I like— I liked. I don't know.

What did she do, um, like the songs you knew, or was it like new songs?

Um, actually, funny story. So, well, her concerts are like a big experience, right? Like it's a very— it's like a theatrical— it's almost like a musical. Like there's a lot of dancers, there's a lot of production, all this stuff. And, um, she— fuck, what was her question?

Did she do her old songs? Oh yeah, songs. Was it acoustic?

Okay, so we were sitting and it was in a small theater and she was performing most of the songs from her new album, which is not like what she's particularly known for, right? And she played Vogue and Express Yourself from like her old hits. And some woman from the audience goes— when it's like in the intermission, everything's quiet— she goes, hey, play your fucking old shit to Madonna on stage. And it's a small theater, so everyone hears what you're saying.

Do they laugh?

No, the whole crowd was like, oh fuck.

Yeah, because everybody was thinking it.

Everybody was thinking it, but nobody wanted to say it. Yeah, yeah. Because that's why you're there. You're there for like the '90s Madonna, right? Yeah, that's her like good stuff.

Um, and Madonna, imagine Madonna just heard you say that. I know, like if someone, if someone was like, if fast forward 20 years from now and I'm doing something and I have like my own show, and it's like, I went to go see David but he wasn't talking about his vlog at all, like come on. Yeah, that's what you're known for. That's the only good thing you did in your life. Imagine Madonna was like hearing this.

Madonna heard her, and she—

and being Madonna, she was just like, I can't wait to watch your life fall apart. Actually, go ahead, continue.

Uh, being Madonna, she was like, fuck you, I'm not playing my old shit.

That's what she said?

Yeah. And the whole crowd was just like very supportive of her because you don't disrespect her. She's like the queen, you know?

Wow.

But, um, yeah, that was funny. She does a lot of really quirky things. Like, she took a Polaroid picture of her on stage.

And of herself?

Of herself. And I guess that's something that she usually does. So this man who was front row, he had a fat stack of cash, like, and it was $8,000. Yeah, ready. And he was waving it, and it was like a lot of money.

Wow.

And she took it, and she was like, if you screwed me over, I have my security. They know your name, they know your seat, and we'll come find you after the show.

Like, if all the money's not there?

Yeah, if all the money was fake.

Wow.

Yeah, it's just kind of interesting.

Yeah.

And then she gave the money to charity?

No, she pockets that. She's like, Madame X needs some green money. Who wants to fork it over? She's very—

that's what she says. Yeah, I didn't know Madonna was like that. I thought Madonna was very much like Madonna. Like, I thought she was like—

she definitely wouldn't need a circle definition, David, but go ahead. Yeah, I mean, I didn't know that Madonna— I thought she was more Madonna, not like Madonna, you know what I mean?

No, like, I don't know. I thought she was like— I thought she was like a— like, I don't know, she's more pop starry. Yeah, more pop starry. I thought she was more Madonna. No, I just— I, I just thought she was more—

more of a show.

Yeah, I'm surprised. I'm surprised. Yeah, like, I'm surprised she like asked asked the audience for money.

Well, I feel like maybe she's like getting back to her roots because she started as like a club performer.

Yeah, but that's like, that's like, that's like more of like a, like a Miley Cyrus thing to like interact with like the crowd like that.

Oh, she's very— that's like her.

Yeah, and I, I didn't know, I, I don't know Madonna that well, so I just assumed that she was like— she's more of like Beyoncé, right? Like Beyoncé would never, would never be like, I just took a selfie, how much for this?

She's on stage like, who wants to lick my pussy? I'm the queen whore. Like, is that what she says?

Yeah, yeah.

I never knew this about Madonna.

Ever embarrassed in front of your mom? She starts talking about her vagina.

She says, who wants to lick my pussy? I'm the queen whore. She said those exact lyrics or words.

She says, I'm a saint.

Natalie, after a couple beers, actually standing in the rafters.

No, my mom is like the big Madonna fan and like, that's like my mom's alter ego. She feels like is Madonna.

Did you— but you pay—

no, tell me exactly what Madonna said. Did she say anything even remotely close to that?

Yeah, she sits there on stage and she, she's getting dressed and she's sitting on a stool and she opens her legs wide open and she is like, pussy, who wants my pussy? Pussy.

Oh, no fucking way.

Yeah.

Oh, wow. She's like very personable. I thought like when I, when I thought of Madonna, I thought she'd be like She comes out, she came down and she sat next to somebody.

She shared their beer.

Like, oh, sick. That's actually— that sounds like a fun show.

Yeah, it's like the best.

Yeah, I thought she was more like a, like an untouchable person, but she sounds like very— no, not at all down to earth, even though it's like a weird way to describe this.

Yeah, she's very, um, not relatable, but yeah, personable, I guess.

Relatable to something about sex in front of your parents.

I've never had sex in front of my parents.

Like, if like a movie comes on and there's a sex scene Sure. Do you get embarrassed?

I've— Yeah, I don't. I mean, I just don't. I've never watched a movie around my parents where there's been a sex scene.

You were the— you were the person that finally broke all inhibitions around my mother. I credit you with that.

Oh, like there are some things you were scared to talk about with your mother?

No, just like the day. Yeah, just the day you handed my mother a joint for a video. I was like, all right, well, I guess she's in. I guess I don't need to worry about anything.

Yeah, no, no, I've never, I've never been in a situation, not that I remember, where I was, where my parents, where I was watching something. Actually, I walked downstairs once and my parents were watching Wedding Crashers.

Yeah.

And I think it was around the scene when all the girls without, like, shirts on are flopping on the bed.

Yeah.

And it's just like everyone's boobs. You know that shot?

No.

Oh, it's just like a bunch of boobs in like, in like 10 seconds. They say my dad paused it.

On the boobs.

No, I don't know if— I don't know. I don't know if this is like if I dream this or if this actually happened. I don't think he paused it on the boobs. He paused like on a scene where there was no boobs and he just told me to go upstairs.

My dad used to comment on like girls that would walk by on the street and it used to make me so uncomfortable.

Oh, that is so fucking weird.

You'd be like, whoa, look at that one, Jay, huh? How about that one, bro?

Your dad's like out of a fucking movie.

So he is. He is out of a freaking movie. He is so masculine, so macho.

Look at that one, Jay. You're 10 years old. Yeah, Dad, I just want to be in theater and do SNL and then maybe, maybe do YouTube later. Yeah, that's crazy. Your dad is literally like, like, like the dad out of like a movie where like the character rebels against him. Like, no, Dad, that's your dream. I want to— I want to be a chef. And the dad's like, what the fuck?

He wanted me to play football so bad.

Yeah, like, of course.

Totally pussied out.

Of course.

My mom was like, he doesn't have to play.

I'm like, you're also the perfect kid to rebel against that. Like, you're the— you're the re— I feel like because your dad was who he was, that's why you are who you are. It's just like you're such a—

it just made me worse.

You're just such a polar opposite.

Yeah. David, you're headed to New York, I hear, for your new television show press tour.

I'm going for the America's Most Musical Family press tour.

So what does that mean?

Is it like a It's just promoting, uh, promoting the Today Show and stuff like that, promoting the show that we did. I was a judge on a musical show. It was really interesting because it was on Nickelodeon and there's a lot of families, so most of the time we were very positive, right? And then it was interesting, we went to go see how we judge on America's Got Talent. How did— how was that?

That was so interesting.

It was, it was so different than what— than how I judge.

You think so? Oh yeah, I guess so, because I'm on Nickelodeon, right, right?

And he's on like Basically, okay, explain how it was.

Well, we were there and there was an act that was on stage and it wasn't the best. Yeah, it wasn't. They were—

we didn't think it was the best, but the audience was fucking loving it.

The audience was eating it up. They were like so excited, they were on their feet. And I was like, that's weird, these guys are kind of— well, these people are kind of off tune or whatever. And then Howie, he just comes in with that big fat X, like doesn't care at all, and it was like, boo!

Yeah. And everyone's booing Howie for hitting the ax and how he's like, you know, how he's like, calm down, everybody. Like, it's so— and then how he goes, I didn't like it. Yeah, I just didn't like it. And it was so fucking— because I'm so scared of, like, pissing people off too. So, like, I wouldn't— I don't know how I would be able to, like, be like, hey, this fucking sucked.

Especially for a comedian who, like, most comedians just need to be liked, like, so much. And he just did not care. I was like, I had a lot of respect for him. I was like, Wow.

Yeah, it's crazy, especially because like everyone's right and everyone in the room is against you, right? Like everyone in the room is like— and then you have to, you, you X somebody out and then you have to explain to the people. You're looking them in the eyes, right? Like the guys that have been like practicing their entire life to be whatever musicians, you have to look them in the eyes and tell them why they sucked.

Yeah.

And why you hit the buzzer. Like that fucking— that takes a lot of courage. Like that's not leaving a comment on a YouTube page. That's face to face telling somebody Hey, this sucked. I didn't like it. Get off the stage. Yeah, that's crazy.

Something else to do with your life.

That's crazy. Simon Cowell has been doing it for so long. I mean, that's why he's so loved, because he's so good and he still gets booed. Yeah, he still gets booed for just being honest.

And then the other judges went and gave their opinion and they didn't really like it either.

But Howie was the one that was like brave enough to, to hit that buzzer.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's, that's very scary. I really want to be a guest judge on America's Got Talent because I love being like, I really like being like harsh with criticism, but I don't know if I'll be able to like actually be mean. But I really love, like, I love, I love being mean.

Like, yeah, we know.

Critical.

We know.

Critical.

Critical.

Not mean.

Critical.

Natalie's my publicist. He means critical. He's never mean. Yeah, no, but I love being critical, but I want to be able to be critical in like a harsh way. Like, you know, like, that sounded like a fucking screwdriver going through a blender. Like, I want to be able to like say like stuff like that and compare it to random things.

Like what? Oh, I see, I see. You mean be funny and take them down?

Yes, yes, like roast people.

Oh, I don't think they do that, do they?

Yeah, they do.

They do? They roast them? They're like, that was the worst thing I've ever heard.

Like, the best moments are like when Simon Cowell goes, that sounded like a sheep giving birth, right? Like, those are the best lines. Yeah, like that, that— like, I would love to be able to do that.

What if I got up there and you were the judge? What would you say?

Well, what would you be doing?

Well, I'd probably just do my tap dancing that I, that I've been working on.

I love your tap dancing, so, you know, I'm gonna be pretty positive about that.

Okay, cool. Yeah, I'm gonna apply. I'm gonna apply.

It's crazy to me that there's people that get through to that point where they're in front of those judges on AGT and they're still not good.

That's the whole point.

They just mix in people that suck.

Yeah, that's the worst part, is like, the worst part is I was actually, I was actually talking to somebody that used to work on one of those shows, and they would send people to those rounds that would suck on purpose, right? And it was very hard because the people, they don't think they suck, right? Like, they think they're good, but everybody else on the show knows they suck, and they're sending them through the round just to basically embarrass them on television, right? And then the woman was telling me, she's like, it's really hard when the contestant comes off stage and then they go, what the fuck? Like, you guys knew I sucked this entire time? Like, you guys just sent me through just so I'd be on the show? And she's like, that was one of the hardest parts of working on the— on these shows is that— is that like, you know, like American Idol and all these shows, like, they send people through just because they suck. And like, then they come off like, what the fuck? I thought I was great. I made it through the first because you have to go through like 4 rounds before you even get to the television portion. So like, all these people are like, what the fuck? I got through all these rounds thinking I was amazing. And then here I go and I sucked.

Do you remember that guy from American Idol that was like, she bang, she bang?

Yeah. William Hong.

Yeah, yeah.

You remember his fucking name?

I don't remember. Yeah, that's pretty.

It's also crazy how like American Idol— like, it's also crazy how big American Idol was. Like, We used to watch it in school. Like, no shows like this anymore. We used to watch in school, and if there was like a funny contestant on there, or if there's a really good contestant about it on it, everybody in school would know about this person.

Yeah, it's all anybody would talk about the next day because, yeah, everybody in school would be on board.

Like, something about Idol, like, it was like, did you see David Cook perform? Like, that was fucking insane, right? Like, everybody was watching. Like, it was the only channel available, and like, no shows like that anymore.

I think like The Voice is comparable to what American Idol was, but that was pre-internet, right?

Yeah, yeah, that's why that was pre-internet.

I don't know, I don't hear my kids talking about The Voice.

No, it's not The Voice. No, no show will ever be able to do that just because of the internet and just because there's so many different ways of consuming media, right?

I remember if like there would be like a couple performances on American Idol that would be really good, and I would watch and I would miss one or something, and everyone would be talking about that one, the one that I happened to miss, and I would always feel like shit, like, oh, I missed that one and I didn't get to like chime in and talk about it with everybody because like, you know, that feeling of FOMO. I don't know.

Do you know what FOMO is?

Yeah.

What is it?

Fear of missing out.

It's pretty good.

Thank you.

Do you know it just because it's Scott's song?

No, FOMO's been around for a long time. You know what FUBAR is?

FUBAR?

Yeah.

No, what's that?

Fucked up beyond repair. That's like a military term.

FUBAR.

It went FUBAR.

Is that to describe cars or people when they're drunk?

Either.

Either.

It's a military term. It's like, you know, FUBAR, the village— they bombed the village. It's FUBAR. I was out, I was out in, uh, I was in Dallas and I got off stage and I walked and I walked in and like 10 guys from the improv, security guys, come over to me like, we have a situation in the backyard, in the back. And I was like, what's going on? Like, there's two guys out there, and there's two guys in sunglasses standing in like military positions, and they're just like not moving. And they're just standing by my car, and I like, I look through the window and I'm like, and they see me, and I'm like, oh fuck, like that. And I knew, I knew they were like YouTubers or something, or shooting a sketch or something. Yeah, they have a camera, blah blah blah. So they're doing like some like like Borat, Ali G kind of sketch on me. Oh yeah, you know what I mean? So, um, they're like, okay, you know, and it's like it got very Texas quick. They're like, all right, we're gonna walk you out there, we're gonna— don't worry, we're gonna surround you, and if something happens, we're gonna— we got your back. And I was like, okay, okay. And I was like, I was like, I don't— these are— they're YouTubers, I'm sure that's gonna happen. But in the back of your mind, with like all the stuff that goes on nowadays, you're like, okay, I never know who— this is it. So I'm walking down the stairs and then they come up to me and they're like, they're like, they're like, Jason Nash! Jason Nash! Like that. And I was like, hey, hey, what's up guys? What's going on? And the guy had his hand behind his back like that. And like, and I go, I go, what's up? What's up? How's it going? He goes, we just want to talk, we just want to talk. Like that. And I was like, okay. And I go, show me your hands. Show me your hands like that. And then he showed me his hands, and then I could tell the guy was like in character and doing a sketch, and— but they weren't even filming it. But then I didn't— and then, oh, they were filming it, but I didn't know that till later. And then I just said to him, I was just like, I was like, just ask me, just ask me, I'll do the, do the video. And he was like, scary. Okay, okay. And I got in the car. It was so stressful, so weird. But it's funny when like It's funny when you, you, you can tell someone's doing like an Ali G thing on you. David has put his microphone down.

Yeah, he just decided to skip out on my story to eat his lunch.

David now chomping into a large sandwich. It is, uh, wow, that first bite is big. This is probably the first time he's eaten all day. Natalie, what do you think about David's eating style?

I am personally disgusted when I watch David eat.

I like when he stands and eats. That's always confusing. At least today he's sitting down.

It's so funny because, like, he doesn't breathe. Like, during that 6-minute portion of him eating, he's— there's no air going in and out of his body.

It's just food. He stuffs it down his face. All right, David, I guess that's all the time we have for the podcast today.

Okay, that's all the time we have.

Oh boy, she's back.

That's all the time we have.

What's the name of this character anyway?

Gwenda.

Oh, hey, Gwenda, how are you?

All right, guys, well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you for joining us. We'll be back next week with another Views episode. Go see Jason in New York this week.

Thank you. Caroline's on Broadway. I'll be in New York Friday night.

Okay, we got it. Yep, done. No, I'll be in New York as well. And go buy our merch, go buy some cool stuff, go follow us on Twitter, Instagram. I'm trying to get to 10 million on Instagram. I'm at 9.4. I'm almost there. I don't know why this is a big goal for me, but it's all I can think about. So please, if you don't follow me on Instagram, go, guys.

This is all he has in his life, so go and follow him.

Just metrics.

Now they don't have to hear about it anymore.

All my life is now is just statistics. All right, we'll see you guys later. This has been the Views Podcast. My name is Jeff. Bye.