Confronting Our Roommate's Girlfriend

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. Jason walked in here today. Apparently he has some beef with us. I, I just guess what it is.

Yeah, go ahead.

Is it because I was in New York?

No.

Oh, okay.

No, that wasn't at all. I didn't care to see you in New York. No, I would have loved to have seen you.

I didn't know you were in New York.

I told you I was gonna be in New York.

No, I know.

I told you we're gonna be there at the It's on the podcast.

Oh, is it? It's documented?

Yes, it's documented.

No, no, no, I thought, 'cause this week I went to Indiana, Chicago, then New York, so I thought for some reason you were in New York when I was in Indiana and Chicago.

No, I waited in New York for you.

No, you didn't. But regardless, you didn't hit me up, so it's too Easter.

Of course I didn't hit you up, because when I brought this up to you, you were like, I said, "Let's link in New York," and you were like, "Eh, I don't know." That's not true, Jay.

I literally— I have it recorded! It's documented. Oh, it's documented! It's probably a comedic bit I was doing. How good was my timing?

I mean, it was great, actually.

Everything's calculated, Jay. It was all a joke. I'd love to see you in New York. When are you going back next?

No, I wasn't sad about New York. In fact, I don't know. What day did you get to New York? You can be honest. I don't care.

Jay, I don't know what day it is now. I don't know what month it is.

I think you got there on Thursday. Yeah, because I left on Friday.

Okay, so what's your beef, if that's not what it is?

I sent you and Natalie—

What a weird Kermit the Frog voice you got going on.

I sent an invitation Oh shit, she did! You, Natalie, and Ilya! Radio silence for my birthday party!

Oh, guess what?

What?

Okay, I actually have this, and this is also probably documented somewhere in the New York archives.

Yeah.

I was sitting at dinner when my friend from across from me, Alita, gets the invite to your birthday and she goes, "Haha, was just invited to Jason's birthday." And I go, "What the fuck?" Yeah. I haven't heard about this. And I was so angry that I went into the actual app that distributes the party invites And that's where I just— the notification didn't come to my phone.

Yeah, of course we invited you.

No, I know, I know. Yeah, I was trying to turn it on me, but then actually 30 minutes later you actually even texted it to me and Natalie's phone.

No, I'm having a birthday dinner Thursday night.

Oh, even more intimate with the most intimate friends. And I got to tell you, oh no, I'll give you—

I'll give it to you. No one responded. Really?

Yeah. No way. Like, obviously I'm going to your most intimate dinner.

You are?

Yeah. Jay, you don't have to.

Yes. Oh, wow.

And if I didn't respond, that's just 'cause you used the same flyer for the intimate dinner.

I was confused. I didn't know if, I thought they were the same thing at first.

Okay, yeah, okay.

No, intimate dinner on Thursday, raucous party on Saturday.

Yeah, they looked like the same thing. They were the same, it was the same flyer.

Well, it was made by the same person. It's not the same flyer. The one flyer has me and Naveen on it, and the other one is just a little thing.

So I'll be there. I do have COVID. Yeah, I just caught it.

Oh my God.

On my flight back, it was incredible. But my doctor said if you catch it within 24 hours, they have these new pills for it.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's called like Paxlovid.

Paxlovid.

Paxlovid.

Yeah.

Oh my God, you've heard of it. So I'm taking that. The first day I was dying. It was right after the premiere. I think there's just so many people you meet that you just like get sick.

I mean, you interacted with so many people.

Yeah. And I woke up just dead and I was like, thank God this didn't happen like a day before or anything.

And you're going to come?

Yeah, of course.

Natalie's actually planning to hang out with me more.

Really?

To catch the COVID Natalie's—

Ilya starts making out with you so he doesn't have to go.

Oh my God.

You didn't respond.

10 of us sleeping in my bed.

I'm confused. I don't have a text from you with the birthday invite. I did get it on the app and I RSVP'd.

I sent you a text to Ilya, David, and Natalie.

It's not a big deal. We'll be there.

Oh, nice.

COVID or not, whatever. That's great. I'm battling this. I'm gonna get through. I'll be there for you, Jay. Don't worry.

Oh, that's really nice.

Yep, you're right. I did get it. You're right.

You did get the text?

No, I did, I did, I did.

And then I go through this thing, which is like, well, my parties aren't as cool as theirs. They probably don't wanna go. And I was like—

Oh my God, really?

I really like put it together. Like, I'm like, I'm like, you guys don't have to pay either. It's all hooked up.

Okay, first of all, I love, I love these kinds of parties 10 times more than I like the cool parties.

Yeah, you do?

Yeah.

Oh, that's interesting. Right, right. Because you can actually talk to people. Yeah.

Yeah.

Scott said no.

Scott said no.

Joe didn't respond.

Obviously Joe's a hard one to get. Can't even get him to do the teeny weeny. I'm kidding.

I have asked him to do the teeny weeny.

No, I know he talks to me about it a lot.

He does?

Yeah.

He's like, I want to get somebody good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I forgot that was his excuse. Excuse. He's like, I really want to do it, but I just need it to be a banger. I'm like, Joe, it's never been a banger. There are no expectations for the Joe TdW Podcast. That being said, it's still no, but whenever you're ready, ask me a couple more times, and that's when the bit will be complete where you can come in and do it.

Really?

I was in, um, I was in New York, and it was like, it was late night in New York, and I got a DM that said, if you're reading this at 1:56 AM, it's a sign. And I read it deadass exactly at 1:56 AM, and I was like, what is this? What does this DM mean? And I showed it to everyone in the car, and the DM DM was sent 2 hours before that. So it wasn't like I just read the freshest DM. It was like I was scrolling through my DMs and there was one that said, if you're reading this at 1:56 AM, and that was the only DM that that person sent. So I responded to that person. I was like, what is the sign? And they didn't respond. And for the last 2, 3 days, I've just been left. I don't even think they've read it. I've just been left there and I don't know what the sign is. And I've scrolled through the DMs with this person. I was like, okay, let's see what they've sent me before. It's a guy. And the last 4 DMs before that are, I want to fuck your brains out.

Shut up.

Yeah, it's from a dude. So I'm Am I gay?

That's the sign.

And I had no idea. There has to be something. There has to be something magical to it. I've never had that happen to me. 156, perfectly on the dot. I mean, those are my favorite situations. Not my favorite situations. My favorite questions to ask my friends is like what you would do for a certain something. Natalie and I always do this. Like, Natalie, like for me to become like, I always want to be a singer. So I'm like, Nat, for me to be like A-class best singer in the world, would you have sex with John and Alex? And like, and obviously it's like such a selfless thing to do for me. Do you know what I mean? She'd have to have sex with two of our hometown friends.

So you could be the singer? So I could be the singer. Oh, that's a crazy question.

Well, because it's a light ask. If Natalie was like—

I mean, to be the number one biggest pop star in the world is like—

She'd probably do it.

Yeah, I'd probably do it for that.

Wow, that's really nice. Yeah, like if Natalie was like, yeah, that'd be incredible.

If David was a pop star, my God, it'd be amazing.

If Natalie was like, David, if I could have $50 million, Dude, that would come out as a huge Diddy trial if that ever happened. Really?

Yeah, because then you'd become so famous.

Oh, if I became a singer.

And then it would backfire on you. You'd get into like, you know, Justin Bieber has all these troubles now.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then it would come out that Natalie banged John and Alex and there'd be a trial.

Yeah, but it's all consensual.

Yeah, but John and Alex would also want the same for me, so they would be ready to have sex too.

No, we're all in it together.

But if Natalie was like, David, I'll get $50 million if you have sex with Jason.

Yeah.

I'd turn that one down.

I know you wouldn't.

No, no, no. See, that's like a thing I would do for Natalie.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. I don't think it's that bad. I think it's an easy one.

I can't believe Naveen does that. I really genuinely can't believe it. I don't know what genie she met and what debt she's paying off somewhere.

She's tapped out, man. I went to yoga today.

You think she's blind?

Yeah.

And she has no sense in her fingers so she can't feel what she's touching?

Yeah, or maybe she hit her head and she's— maybe someone put a spell on her.

Yeah.

Something like that. Like, I don't know.

Something dark must have happened. That's why I feel really bad for— that's why every time I see her, I treat her with like the utmost respect. 'Cause she's doing something that, it's like Dirty Jobs. It's like that show Dirty Jobs, but she's stuck with it. It's not even like a day thing for like the show. She just has to do it.

She says crazy stuff to me.

Like that she loves you?

Yeah. Even crazier.

What?

She'll be like, hey, you know, don't be looking so sexy when you go to yoga today.

Actually?

I swear to God. I'm on my way to yoga. I'm on the phone with her.

I swear to God.

I love how it's his wife and he's like, David, I know you don't believe me, but I swear.

No, and she goes, don't be looking, she's dead serious. Don't be looking too sexy in there. And I go, what are you talking about? I mean, nobody's looking at me. No, nobody.

That's—

dude, I am—

you know what's so funny?

What?

You know, okay, so Shallow Hal, I just referenced that. You know that?

Can you remind me again? Is it—

it's Jack Black.

Yeah.

Where he's like, he only likes these 10 out of 10 girls, right? I think someone puts a spell on him or something where he only sees the most unattractive girls as the most attractive girls, right?

And it's Gwyneth Paltrow in a fat suit.

Yes, it's Gwyneth Paltrow dressed as like a 500-pound girl or whatever.

Yeah.

And he keeps talking to her and being like, baby, stop wearing— stop and it's literally this exact conversation that you're saying. And she's like, what are you talking about? Like, I'm not wearing anything sexy right now. That's really funny. Imagine that's what's happening. You're having a really shallow Hal moment. Wait, so what does she say? She just—

She'll be like, then don't be moaning in there because that turns the girls on.

Do you think she's in on the joke?

I don't think so. I mean, I would tell you if she was doing it as a bit, I would think it was so funny and I would tell you that. But it's not a bit.

This is way too deep at this point to be a joke.

She posted a little TikTok montage of you guys in New York and you guys like kissing and stuff.

Yes, she loves to film us kissing, and I'm always like, please don't film us kissing. No, don't post that. No one likes that. She's like, come on, just a little bit, just a couple of kisses. And I'll be like, okay. I'm like, ah. And then she'll show it to me. She'll be like, isn't this so cute? She's like, this is what people like. And I'm like, people—

you're like, I'm gonna go to jail. Um, no, no, no, no. It's Bella commented on it from Zila. Our Bella commented on it. She's like, it's— this is so cute. And I sat there looking at that comment. I'm like, okay, I know I know Jane. I know I like to make jokes, but let's be serious here. Am I looking at this the wrong way. Is this actually very cute and I'm missing something?

I mean, it is like the fact that they love each other is cute.

Yes, I know. But then I remember like the bits with Jay, and I remember like—

and you're turned off.

Yeah. And then I remember—

I just think about—

I remember like, I know why Jay is attractive, right?

Yeah.

And that's because he's funny, he's charming, and he's, for his age, great looking guy. Full head of hair. He has more hair than I have ever had in my entire life, which is crazy. So yes, Super, super attractive guy. But then I really know Jay, right? So I know why he's really not attractive. So it's like a catch-22.

My shoes smell.

Shoes smell.

My shoes stink sometimes.

The feet is a big thing for me.

The toenails go through. The toenails are almost trying to escape the smell of the feet and trying to break a barrier through the shoe. Like, these are the things I know about Jay.

It's what chicks like, man. It's my vibe, you know? Maybe you should look into it. Maybe you should— Oh, see, that's what it is.

Shower life. And it's these cargo pants that he wears all the time that are like, that the material has become so soft because they haven't been washed in weeks. And it's just like stains from lunches 6 days past. And it's just like they're crumpled in so many different directions because I know he just puts them right on after he wakes up.

I'm sorry I don't have a full wardrobe from young L.A. on a rack out there.

Please don't make this a class thing. Everybody has access to a washing machine. Please don't make this up. You walk into David's house. Don't do this.

He has every single— it's like 47 different choices of t-shirts, 40 different choices of pants.

Here's the thing. When I was living in my townhouse with my family, I wouldn't leave the house if I didn't have a clean set of pants. This is just like a thing that you're just born with. Don't make this a thing about who has more money. Okay? No, but I'm shit-talking you just for the fucking sake of this bit. I do think you're great. I always end it with like saying she did something funny the other night.

It was really, really funny. We're watching The Studio and there's a scene where they take mushrooms Mm, I saw this. And she's never done mushrooms. And the character, one of the characters starts being really truthful. And she goes, "Is that what happens when you take mushrooms?" And I go, "Yeah, yeah." Oh, that's really funny. People are very truthful. And then she goes, then she's just like, and I'm just trying to watch the studio. And she just goes, "I'm gonna give you mushrooms and I'm gonna ask you the truth about everything." And I'm like, "Okay." She goes, "I'm gonna give you mushrooms, pin you down, and I'm gonna ask you, do you really love me?" Like that.

Oh my God.

And I was just like, I was like, I love you.

That's really funny.

Of course I love you. Like, what can I say? Then she just flips 180 and she goes, oh my God, that just broke my heart. You don't love me. You don't love me at all. And I was like, oh my God, what the fuck? I'm just trying to watch the studio.

For, yeah, for those of you guys tuning in at home and you've only listened to the podcast, or maybe you've never even seen Jason, Naveen's super, super attractive. Jason is on— is Jason. So it's this, this where the bit's coming from? Yeah. Yes. So she's saying things that you feel like you would be saying to her?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's wild. I mean, it is wild. I can't even process it. Every single day I go, I can't believe you're here.

That is kind of spooky.

Yeah.

Not to like add to your, like, um, to your confusion about the situation.

Yeah.

But the way she's going about it, yeah, would have me double down on my confusion. Would be like, okay, something's happening here.

Well, it's not funny.

She's fucking with me. Either this is a bit Bit? Yeah, this is a well-orchestrated David Dobrik 15-year-long bit.

Is it?

Deadass, is it a bit?

No, it's not. Dude, look how worried you are. Deadass, it's not.

Say deadass. My marriage to Naveen is not a bit.

Deadass. Deadass, your marriage to your wife?

And I never pull out deadass.

Deadass, it's not a bit. Deadass, I believe that she found you naturally through natural— I had nothing to do with Wow. I did not know her before she met you.

And it's not Nelk.

It's not the Nelk Boys.

You don't know that.

I don't know if this— this could be a Steve Will Do It thing. I don't know if he's as strongly associated with the Nelk Boys anymore as he was before. It could possibly be Steve Will Do It. He is. Okay.

They're still close. I follow them.

Okay.

Yeah. Well, we love Steve.

One of the boys. I don't know.

Maybe it's Steiny.

Maybe. It's definitely Steiny, to be honest. Yeah, it could be. This is a Steiny bit. Yeah. Hey man, I got you. Ah, Steiny.

Um, how was the snack convention?

It was really good.

I saw you there. You look so cute there.

Uh, he looks so cute.

He was popping around.

Nice little outfit.

Oh, Natalie made the funniest joke.

Oh, what was it?

That was so underappreciated.

Wait, really?

Yeah. So they're all these mascots. I think it's genuinely the funniest joke Natalie's made in her entire life.

What did I say?

Okay.

Which is kind of crazy. I love that.

This.

I mean, it's not gonna sound as funny on the pod.

Okay.

There was a bunch of mascots walking around.

Oh yeah.

Like you had your Nerds clusters and it was like a big cluster walking around. And then you had your Cheez-It. It was a big Cheez-It thing. And then you had Captain Crunch who was actual Captain Crunch. Right. And each of the mascots had their little handler from the brand. And like the Cheez-It person had like a person dressed in a Cheez-It jumpsuit. And then Captain Crunch had their Captain Crunch suit, like handler walking around with them just because they couldn't see. Yeah. Like the mascots that mascots can't see walking around. And the mascots would have to like every 20 minutes, 'cause it would get too hot, they'd have to walk into their little mascot room to go change and take off their clothes. And the mascot and Captain Crunch was walking away with their Captain Crunch handler. And I'm like, look, Captain Crunch is gonna go get laid. And Natalie goes, I think that's a fan. And I thought it was so funny. 'Cause she was just in all this, this entire Captain Crunch get out outfit, get up outfit and just like looked like she was going to, I don't know why, but it was so funny in the moment.

Captain Crunch banging chicks. Chicks out at the Snap convention.

Yeah, but like, we're just like the biggest Captain Crunch fans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, it was really good, and it was a happy moment. I posted on my Snap, and like, right before I posted, I looked at that and I was like, damn, that was really impressive, Natalie.

Damn, Natalie, I don't even know if you meant it in that funny way.

No, I definitely did mean it. Like, I was trying to be funny. I didn't think it was like a revolutionary joke.

Do you think that's your funniest joke you ever said? Can you think of a better one?

Did you say it because she was wearing Captain Crunch all over her merch?

Yes, yes, yes.

I thought it was so funny.

I think you just had a long day at the Snap convention.

I went to an SNL afterparty in New York.

You did?

Yes.

How was that?

This weekend?

Yeah.

No way.

Where were you?

I was in Chicago.

Yeah, Nellie left me alone in New York.

Yeah, I haven't heard the end of it.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, Nellie's apparently moving to fucking Chicago.

Yeah.

Did you know this?

What?

Yeah.

Shut up.

I started to catch a movie for a fucking month and she's like, I've told you this. And I'm like, when did you tell me this?

We've talked about it so many times, but he just like puts it out of his head because he doesn't want to accept the fact that I'm not going to be here for him month.

You going to a lake or something?

No, she's moving into the city.

I'm moving into the city.

Oh, that's why you posted, hey, looking for real estate in Chicago.

Oh wow.

And I found a place. Jesus Christ. July 28th, I'm going to Chicago.

How are you going to work with David and be in Chicago for a month?

She doesn't work with David and be in Chicago. That's how it happens, Jay.

What about your birthday party?

She doesn't do anything.

That's the weekend before, bro.

Do you know what happened in Chicago? It got fucking intense. Natalie wouldn't come out with me and my friends.

Oh my God, me and my friends. Our friends.

Uh, that's not how you were treating him, you fucking bitch.

I went out with them the night before, you fucking idiot.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

So it was me and my friends. Me, Mike, Nick, and Brooke, right? Okay, so Mike and Brooke are getting married in 2 weeks. Yeah, let's show them some respect and go hang out with them. Natalie decided to have her mom's day and hang out with her mom.

Mother's Day. I didn't get to spend Mother's Day with my mother.

Mother's Day. She postpones fucking— uh, postpones these holidays like it's nobody's business, like she invented the calendar. It's Wednesday. It's also Mike's birthday, right? So this is a big reason to go out with our friends. Natalie refuses to come out.

She's saying, I went out the night before with them.

Yeah, we didn't have fun. We stayed out till like 11.

That wasn't my fault. There wasn't anything. Went home.

This time Brooke comes out. So now the full bride and groom are out. I'm like, Nat, you got to come with us. Then her fucking mom grabs the phone. We're in the same hotel. Natalie won't give me her room because she doesn't want me to find her. Then Natalie's mom grabs the phone and she's like, like, it's family weekend, it's family weekend. Fuck, it starts nagging. And then, and then I find out her grandmother is on the other phone. So this is a fucking— a generation of Maraduenas. My worst nightmare. Like, literally hell. Hell is opening up in one of these hotel rooms at the Langham. And then her grandmother gets on the phone and she's like, it's family weekend. And I'm like, listen, Grandma, I don't know when you were fucking born, but the weekend doesn't start till at least Thursday or Friday. It's fucking Wednesday. You can have her in a couple days. But right now Natalie needs to be with her friends. This is very important. And I know Natalie's like, we haven't even eaten, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I took—

I took the liberty, I ordered like Postmates for my mom and I. How did you even find it? He goes and he steals my Postmates from the like drop-off location and holds the food hostage.

And I take— and I take—

you did— you know he had to do that himself. He didn't send somebody.

No, no, I did that myself. I went and I went downstairs where they drop off the Postmates and I took the bag. I took the Chinese food and I said, and I said every 10 minutes, whatever What did I say? I said—

No, you said every minute one egg roll gets eaten or something.

And I had Mike hovering over the egg rolls, so it was very believable. And then this fucking asshole checkmates me and she sends me a picture of my credit card and she goes, every minute that food's not at my door, I order a Chanel bag. And I literally— and I fucking dropped right back into the couch at the Langham. I was like, fuck, she's got me. And Mike and Nick are like, what did she say? What did she say? I'm like, she's gonna order Chanel bags for her and her mom. I'm fucked. So I put the food outside my door.

Yeah.

And I was like, come and get it. It's here. I waited right behind the door. I was looking through the peephole for Natalie to come get it. And when I saw Natalie coming around the corner, I opened the door and fuck, it was Natalie's mom. I didn't even want to interact with her. And she was like, David, don't even try it. That's fine, Jen. Just take the food. And I turned around and I let Jen take the food. And Natalie didn't hang out with us that night, which was really, really sad.

They all texted me like every 5 minutes. I was getting a text about how much fun they were having until like 2, 3 in the morning.

Really?

Yeah, like they didn't let go.

And I was telling Natalie, I was like, if I was even desired like 1/16 of this amount to come out, I would have caved. Like, how could somebody— like, you do this to me everywhere we go because we want you to come out really bad. We feel, we feel incomplete.

And I did. I took you guys to 4 different rooftops the night before. I tried.

What was it like not having her there?

It was horrible.

It was horrible.

An entire night I was trying to explain to everybody, I was like, I'm sorry, we were hanging out with new people that we just met, and I was like, and I was like, you got to meet Natalie. And yes, I was saying that stuff, and I was like, I'm sorry if I'm not myself. I have a hard time going out without my friend Natalie. And they're like, brother, you got a problem? One problem is I can't pay for everyone's drinks. I like to pay for everyone's drinks. You are with me. That's just like a thing I'm going to do. So I would, I'd have to grab my friend's credit card, and I would have to Venmo them later for the drinks.

He doesn't have a wallet.

Yeah, I don't have a wallet. So So I grab my friend's credit card, whatever I have in my pocket as my own credit card. So the waitress comes, I give her my friend's card, and I'm still explaining to our new friends how lost I am without this Natalie figure in my life. Like I don't have my hotel key, nothing. Everything's confusing to me. And then the waitress comes back and she goes, "You gave me your room key." And I go, it's crazy, it's crazy. It's like a fucking, it was like a bit I planned. I was like, see, this is exactly what I'm talking about. I gave the fucking waitress, she's like, the waitress was like, just like I was trying to scan it and then I realized there's a room key to the Lango.

That's really funny.

But yeah, truly lost.

Are you sure that you're not in love with me? Because it sure sounds like it.

No, no, no, no, I'm definitely not in love with you, but I do need someone like you in my life. What's up guys, welcome back to Views, or how are we doing this?

Wow, that's crazy. I've never seen David.

Oh my God, I knew you guys were fucking hooking up, bro.

Me and Natalie?

David just put his arm around Natalie. I see you're sneaking upstairs. Stairs at about 2 AM. That shit happened last night. I fucking know, dude. I woke up and I saw her sneaking up.

No, she did. We came home last night pretty late and she did ask if I wanted to cuddle.

Oh, did I?

Yeah. And she made room for me in her bed because she was being like serious about it.

He's just shoving the mic in my face.

Tell him the truth.

Um, I did. I was really fucked up, but yeah, I did ask him.

That's fucking crazy.

But I knew he wasn't gonna do it.

But here's the thing, because you know what, you know what happens there. You know what cuddling leads to.

What?

Sex. Oh, right on.

Exactly.

So, so honestly, I'm not even kidding, I think we were close. I went upstairs going like, that was weird.

How much would it— what did you really— I see that.

I'm being deadass. I'm not even—

I went to bed, he came into my room, into my bed.

Oh, because I got a DM from somebody very crazy that I can't talk about, but fully going to sleep on my own.

Yeah, but that's the move. That's what you say. Oh my God, I got this DM. Open up. That's what you say.

Look at this Ilya, by the way, are you horny?

Also, whenever Ilya is on the podcast, it sounds like there's a fucking monkey in the room. Why? He just rattles his mic.

He's like, "No fucking way, Dave!" Um, okay, so— The fanates have rattled too. We have the friends here. We have John here, hometown friend, popular guest of the show. We have his girlfriend Julia here. So Julia is, um, she's definitely the newest person in this circle, right? Like, and a complete stranger. She didn't grow up with us. She's from California. She has an inside look to this very interesting— John, can you please stop holding the mic away from Julia? I'm sorry, I've literally been stalling. I keep trying to talk until you hand the mic closer.

John has it arm's length away from her.

Okay, Julia, say hello.

Hello.

So, Julia, you came into this friend group the latest out of anybody, really far from the convergent point. Converging point? Conversion point?

It's okay, don't worry about it. Just keep going.

Can you edit that out?

No.

Anyway, my question My question is, like, is this not strange, this relationship we have? We're so dependent on John being around that sometimes I feel like it strains the relationship with him and Julia, his girlfriend. Strange, because like it's a custody battle is the best way to put it.

Yeah, yeah. And we like her. That's— if we hated her, this would be great. It would be like a fucking war.

But yes, and you are the first girlfriend of John that we've— that we actually like really, really, really like. Oh, and there's— there's— yeah. Oh, we've never told you this.

What the heck? Oh my gosh, wait, keep complimenting.

Well, no, Alex and I talk about this all the time.

Yeah, you guys are role model relationship.

And yeah, we should have done this sooner, guys.

Um, that being said, sorry, I didn't mean to like be all nice because I did want you to dig in on us on like how we treat John, how much we need John. Is— do we need John too much?

What was your like— now you guys have been dating for how long now?

Like 2 and a half, 3 years.

Yes. So what's your perspective like when you first entered this entire situation versus now? I feel like it's probably changed so much.

I don't know, I feel like when I first entered, it was a lot more like tame versus now. I think we're all comfortable with each other, so now it's like, what the fuck?

Now you're hearing all John's nicknames. Yeah, I'm like, okay, retard, fuckface.

Julia calls him that too, though.

Yeah, that's what I like about her too, is like, she— well, she's definitely in on it. She picks— she definitely understands now like our issues with John. You haven't even said a word yet, John. Do you get— do you get stressed about being needed in so many places?

Yeah, dude, honestly, if had a twin, I'd switch places so goddamn much.

You'd switch places?

No, twin, dude. Why clone?

Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean you'd switch places with your twin?

You wouldn't switch places, you just, you just send one of them to be with Julia and one of them to be with David and Ilia.

Yeah, but isn't that a twin?

That's a clone, bro.

No, dude, that's a twin.

No, why?

A clone would be just me.

No, it'd be two of you.

If you were a twin and you were switching places, that means you'd be be going back and forth from Julia to Dave, Julia to Dave.

But the clone's the same thing.

No, no, no, clone— wait, hold on, actually, maybe you're right.

A clone is the same exact person.

A twin is similar but different.

But if he has a clone, he still has to be in one spot.

If you had triplets, you could have one with Julia, one with Dave, and then Jon could go do what he wants.

So Julia, you know now that Jon sometimes misspeaks he speaks and he never means wrong.

He—

at his heart is very pure. Yeah, you would agree with this?

100%.

Okay, have there been moments or arguments where— why are you laughing?

I feel like I know where you're going with this question.

If you know, I would love to bring this up.

Where he like misspoke?

Well, I, I don't know what fight I'm allowed to bring up. I don't know what fight I'm allowed to know because I know all of them, Julia. Um. But no, there's never been. I think I only know of one fight that you guys have had, and I was 100% on your side. So if that helps, if that makes it easier for me to bring this argument to light. Can I bring it up now?

What?

Remember the fight you guys had when we were at Young la?

Okay, I know exactly.

Okay, yeah.

This one.

Oh, come on.

Out of all of them.

Yeah, this one's good, actually.

No, no, no.

I think this one's such a good.

No, I already took my loss, dude. I already took my loss.

But, John, I had to explain it to you. Okay, so John has this guy friend who he hangs out with out with, um, once a month maybe, right? So like casually. And then that guy friend has a girlfriend who John's met maybe 1 or 2 times. Alex has told me that this girl— I actually have said it myself— is very pretty. I've said it. I'm like, this is a pretty girl. I think she's pretty. I'm sorry. She recently broke up with John's friend, correct? John knows this friend way more than the girl, by far. And the first thing John texts Julia is 'Hey, my friend and his girlfriend just broke up. Maybe we should hang out with his girlfriend to make her feel like she has friends.' What the fuck? Julia goes, 'What?' And John goes, 'Well, I just feel like she'd probably need somebody right now because she's all alone.' And Julia's like, 'You don't even fucking know the bitch.' Am I explaining this to Julia?

No.

Yeah, you're like pretty spot on.

Okay, explain it from your point of view, because when I heard this fucking story. I was like, John, are you on fucking crack? I couldn't believe it.

Yeah, so I mean, I couldn't believe it either. I remember like I was just like, what are you talking about? And like usually when John says like something super outlandish, I like really try to think about it, you know? And so I, in my head, I thought maybe I just don't know the full story. Maybe his friend told him something that I didn't really know.

Right.

Yeah.

So for people listening at home, the obvious thing to do is to hang out with the, the guy who John is actually close friends with, not the hot Latina chick that just got broken up with. Okay, John, defend yourself. Wait, what? I'm so confused.

What the fuck were you thinking, like, in the moment?

Genuinely, genuinely in the moment? Yeah, I was thinking, I was like, oh, Julia, we can hang out with her.

Okay.

And then I'm like, I didn't At that point, I didn't think of anything. I thought it was cool.

I was like, which part?

All of it, I guess. And then they said they ended in a friendly relationship, and I knew that, and I don't know how to show that to you guys, cuz obviously that doesn't happen all the time.

What? They ended in a friendly relationship?

Yeah, it, it was like on good terms. They were still friends after.

That's even more reason to just let the girl go. No, like, she's fine.

John's like, no, maybe.

I think what he was thinking too, also why I was kind of like, okay, I guess, whatever, like, think what you want to think, is because this girl has also tried to hang out with me previously. Like, we've— yes, talked to the point where, like, okay, she just moved out here. Like, she—

every—

all of her friends are, like, in Orange County. And so we were supposed to hang out, but it just, like, never happened. Okay, but that was also a really long time ago.

Yeah, the way— the way John communicates is he has a thought in his head, and then he reverses 10 steps back backwards with everything in his brain. It's really—

yeah, yeah.

And what did you say when John was like, well, maybe we should hang out with Marisol or whatever her name is?

Um, well, at first I was like, what the fuck do you mean? You know, because I didn't get it.

I'm sorry, can I read the messages?

No. Yeah, no, no.

Honestly, I don't even know, like, if Dad—

come on.

No, it's so far back and we already had this fucking conversation out of all things. Okay, I thought it would be a fun, friendly way of introducing Julia to the podcast. Okay.

Well, the only way to make her feel comfortable is to attack me.

We could talk about our healthy relationship that you were jealous about.

No, I am jealous. And, and your relationship is so healthy that you guys bounce back from this stupid, this stupid decision you made.

Um, I was okay. I was okay. I was also working out, so I was just like, I was just texting, you know, to respond back.

Yeah. And would you write, maybe we can hang out with her to make her feel better?

Yeah. And then she started getting drilling me and I was like, what the fuck?

Yo, Julia, threesome would be sick. By the way, I'm working out chest, so sorry if I'm saying something crazy. I don't know if this is coming out right. I'm just on the treadmill randomly typing away. All right, John, no, we know, we know you mean well. It really is like who gets John what night. Yeah, it's because Alex and I are here to hang out all night. And the most fucked up thing about John is like, I do think he likes hanging out with us, but a lot of times it feels like he just uses us. It's because some— because when he is here, he'll be like, it's my 3-in-1 day. And I'll be like, what does that mean? He's like, I get to charge my car, do my laundry, and play video games. I'm like, okay, so you're here mainly just to get your chores done, and then the rest is he's just at Julia's because he just genuinely loves being at Julia's.

Sure.

Well, not charging the car there, charging his heart.

Okay, okay. Not only that though, it is also technically 13 minutes closer to my work.

Yeah, that's true. Sleep in. Okay, so everything has to—

all the time.

He's actually kind of using me too.

I was trying to keep John's benefit of the doubt. He's like, hold on, did he pick the location for you?

He's like, you should move here, you should move here.

I was like, all right, I was finally giving you some fucking points and you're like, hold on, hold on, it's not just pure love, it's location.

Yeah, John, this is a Quest Labs. No, I know, but it's just, you know, it's a good apartment.

Um, no, but, but Julia, you don't, you don't understand how lucky you are to have John's full, mostly full, undivided attention. John is really special, and he really likes you a lot more than he likes us, which is pretty intense, right, Al? I mean, Al can attest to this the most. Yeah, it feels like we have a pretty good 50/50 situation going on.

Yeah, I don't know, Julia, what's your opinion? What do you think the split is?

I don't know, I think it is kind of 50/50.

Yeah, I think, I think it's from different perspectives. I think there'll be weeks where we'll really have John because maybe he's been driving a lot and his battery's low. Um, so, so I think those weeks are sick, and then there's other weeks where— yeah, when he's sick, he's at Julia's because she takes care of him, which makes sense.

Damn, I like how you guys don't ask about the questions like, so like, how does it feel to be sleeping in a $10 million home? The security guard outside?

The robberies?

The robberies?

How does it feel to sleep in a $10 million home in a gel blaster room?

Feels pretty cold, you know? It's like the AC is really cold all the time.

That doesn't really feel like a home. So I got so pissed when Julia got her own apartment. I was like, they're definitely not gonna come here because Ilya puts the AC down. Julia has control of her own AC unit. I had to look up the apartment building, see if I could buy it so I could break the AC in there. I got so mad the second John was like, Julia's looking for a new place. I'm like, Julia's looking for a new place? Fuck Julia.

Did you make a case for Julia not getting a place and living here?

I mean, I didn't make a case, but like, I knew that it was like the progression of the relationship.

Sure.

Like, I want them to live long and prosper. So like, I have to let the bird leave the nest sometimes, you know? But like, I was definitely making a case for Ilya to move out. I was like, Ilya, I think it's time for you to move out because you're causing the AC problems. And he wanted to move out. And remember before I was like begging him not to?

Yeah.

I've definitely come around to like, Ilya's more fun when he doesn't see us for a while, right? He gets his stupid boring work out of the way.

Yeah.

And then when he returns to us, he's like ready to have a good time.

And what about Alex?

Alex recently Can I say Alex recently quit his job and he's pursuing music, which basically means we hang out all day. No, so it's amazing. So yeah, Alex and I kind of just hang out all day and we wait for John to get home. And John, obviously I'm begging— I beg John to quit his job. I'm like, John, we'll give you a job here. Yeah, I like just quit he quit the lab. And the thing about his lab job is it's not building towards anything, right? So I'm like, why the fuck don't you just leave and work here and do a side gig too? We'll pay you for a job here. Yeah, but also start another side gig.

John, what are you doing?

Okay, okay.

It's more than that.

All right, I'm saying it in a— I'm like thinking of you, like, why don't you, like, why don't you quit the job?

I like my, like, rotation, you know, like routine. Rotation.

Okay, like I, I sleep with Julia, I sleep with Dave, I sleep with girlfriend. Damn, we have that. We have John and Julia the same.

Don't you think, don't you think John should just take a job here?

I mean, yeah, 100%, but I see your, like, why you want to stay. It's like your away time from all of this.

But he has Julia, brother. There's already an away time.

Yeah, I need my away time by, like, by myself.

Yeah, by, by myself. Goddamn Mr. Craft.

They don't make fun of me at work, you know. I I don't get drilled at work, dude.

Where's me pearl?

Anytime. Okay, now I understand. I get it. Okay, do me laundry.

Where's me nightgown?

Okay, question. Like, we pick on John a lot. Even though John is our weakest link, he is the most important member. It is a very, very, very interesting paradox that John creates. Julia, did you ever think we were too hard on John?

I don't think so.

Really? You think he deserved every verbal beating?

Well, not that he deserved it. I just think that it's the dynamic.

I mean, Nat, there's got to be moments where we were saying shit to Jon, and then we turned to each other and we were like, does this Julia girl think—

Well, all the time, you guys would, I think, leave to go to Julia's apartment after we were all hanging out. And then we'd all kind of turn to each other and be like, I hope Julia is OK with everything that just happened here.

No, but I mean, it is. It is like really like—

no, it's not that bad. Every friend, every friend group has—

no, but it's always John. It's always John.

I feel like it's really—

I feel like you yell at Ilya more.

I would say Natalie gets it the worst.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, I feel bad for Natalie actually, because hers is like serious stuff, like it's work.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah. Okay, so as long as everyone's getting it.

Like when you start yelling at Natalie, I'm like, oh, really? Yeah.

Cut this out.

Like when I see that first tear, tear makes me like, oh, you see Natalie more than me.

What are you talking about? Okay. Yeah. I used to go out of my way for Paris, dude.

Okay.

It's not true. He called me a bitch one time.

One time.

Heartfelt.

Julia, heartfelt.

Really?

Yeah. It broke my heart.

Yeah.

But when John says bitch, he says it with his fucking chest. I call Natalie bitch 8 times a day. When John says it once, he's dropping a fucking bomb straight into it.

It is odd. Like I've been here for 4 hours and I've watched you and Natalie fight like 5 times.

I just can't. I can't, like, I can't, like, live a different way. I just, I love bickering.

You'd love it, huh? What do you love about it?

I mean, it's my love language. It's like, it's, it's genuinely my love language is to fight and argue.

Why her though?

It's all of you. No. Well, Natalie's, Natalie's the person that I'm like communicating with throughout the day the most. Yeah, maybe, maybe I'm a little too aggressive.

Okay, it's the book Natalie's coming out. It's so funny.

Yeah, what is the book you're making?

Oh fuck, what's my title? It's in my notes.

Um, it's a Working for the Devil.

You got some good shit in there.

Damn.

So I want to bring this up. Natalie's working on a book.

Yes, I am, bitch. Yes, I am.

Natalie threatens me because we get into fights a lot, and I'm bringing this up because John and Julia are here, and I feel like we fight with John a lot. We fight with everyone, but me and Natalie get into the most amount of fights, and she always threatens me with this tell-all she's going to write.

It's my favorite threat to David because he actually shuts up when I say it.

My problem with arguing is it's just like, it's not fair that I always win the arguments when we're fighting. That's why I don't like it. Like, just because, like, like, I love going head-to-head with Natalie, but Natalie always bows out earlier, and then I feel bad. It's like, I think we're having a good time, but then Natalie's like, I'm gonna go on my walk.

Yeah, it's not a good time. I don't like to argue with you. And also, sometimes David says that I come in with a negative attitude. You should see me in the mornings at my home, the way that I wake wake up on top of the fucking world, loving my life, and then I come here and you're fucking rolling out of bed. It's a dark cloud, and you're like, it's not me.

No, no, no, dude, talking to Nellie in the morning is like defusing a bomb. If your eyebrow is lifted in the wrong way, she will look at you and she'll go, we're in this kind of a mood this morning, and that will send the entire, like, atmosphere into a spiral.

Well, that's because you have years and years of baggage between the two of them.

I'm sad.

Yeah. So she's still mad about something from yesterday.

No, no. Possibly yesterday she tried to fuck me.

Oh, no.

Yeah, though. Every day is different here. All right. One more question for you guys. What's— Julia, this is for you. What is your favorite thing about Jon?

Maybe how honest he is. Sometimes a little too honest.

Totally.

But I would much rather have him be honest than like lie to me about something because it holds me accountable.

No, that's really good. Yeah, he's probably the most honest ever. Yeah.

John looks so scared.

John's just making sure he doesn't say anything. All right, John, what's your favorite thing about Julia?

Ah, Julia.

What can I say about Julia, my Julia?

She's really positive. And in her storytelling, it's so good. Sometimes we're just—

He says this about you a lot, actually.

Yeah.

You know how Julia just talks about something and it's really passionate? She's all about book talk. And like fourth wing.

Yeah. I love reading books. Oh, but I think it's like, I'll be reading a book and I think this could go into the storytelling. Cuz there's like two different times where he's like said it to me. Like I can see a TikTok, like that's really funny and like I can't find it. So I try to re-explain it to him and then I'm like, you know, describing the whole scene. I'm like laying it down and he's like really into it and he's laughing and I'm like explaining it one by one.

And then he's like, I bet, I bet one day he takes it. That is fucking awesome.

This whole time, Julia's just been reading children's books to John.

Like Dr. Seuss. He didn't blow the nice house down, did he?

It was made out of brick.

He couldn't have. He couldn't have. That's amazing. Okay. Yeah. Well, okay. I should have asked this first, but I'm sorry because that's a positive note to end on. What's one thing that your least favorite quality about John, Julia?

His communication.

Oh my God.

Yeah, it's the worst ever.

Disgusting.

Terrible.

It's so bad.

Today in the group chat, we were asking when— Alex said, can everyone play at 5? Everyone responded except John. So Alex had to say, John, come on, brother. And then John responds, coming home at 6 before 7. What does that mean? That you'll be here at 5? That you'll be here at 6:54? 6:53? What does that mean?

Yeah, like leaving before 6. I mean, leaving at 6, coming home at 6 before 7.

Coming home, like leaving, leaving Oh my God, you're trying to say that you're leaving at 6 and you'll be there before 7?

Yes.

That is fucking—

all we're asking for is just a straightforward answer of like what time.

That's fucking insane.

You give us context that one, isn't— we don't care about, and two, is confusing.

Dude, you text like you're under fire and you have 2 seconds to get it out. Coming home at 6 before 7. That's crazy because a normal person would read that as, okay, he'll be home at 6:53, 6:54, 6 minutes before 7 o'clock.

Okay.

You realize that that's so crazy and so confusing.

No, 6 before 7. I mean, it makes sense.

It does come before 7.

Okay, John, I'll give you, I'll give you, I'll give you the question too because I gave it to Julia. What's your least favorite quality about Julia?

Don't answer, brother.

I really don't have like any, like, I, I honestly can't pinpoint a single thing.

Beautiful. Well done. You've learned a lot from this pod. But all right guys, that's all the time we have for this podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you, John, Julia, Natalie. Shout out to you trying to fuck me last night. Okay, that is all the time we have. Go listen to Jason's podcast. He's got a side gig called All Things Good. Um, and yeah, hope you guys enjoyed. Bye.