Auditioning for SNL

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views. I'm here with Jason and I'm David. And I want to— I want to say some things that are going to be a little bit more serious. And I know a lot of you guys aren't used to me being a little bit more serious, so it's going to spook some of you. But I want to address some things that I feel like are pretty important to me and to Jason and to a lot of people listening. Jason and I have made, I don't know, over 600, 700 videos together. I couldn't even tell you. And the intention with every single video is to make people laugh. And I know it sounds so cheesy and I hate saying it, I hate saying it, but every video I make, every Instagram I post, everything I do, I just wanna cheer somebody up. I wanna make them laugh, I wanna make them smile, I want them to share it with a friend. And I just, I want them to have a positive experience when they're interacting with anything I produce. And with that being said, I feel like on a handful of occasions, I've just missed the mark on that. And that really, really bums me out. And that kind of sucks that it took me so long to understand. But I think when we went to our first Black Lives Matter protest and I was looking through my DMs afterwards, and it's one thing to get DMs from somebody going, "Hey, your video is so funny," or, "This was so funny," but it's a completely different thing to get DMs about how much your alliance with a cause means for that person and their family, or how much it means that you're using your voice to amplify theirs. Like, that is a completely different feeling. But that's when I realized, holy shit, there's people that are seriously looking up to me for things more than just something goofy. You know, I think for a while I was kinda just like, I'm the goofball, that's all I am. But I think there's parts of this where I need to be more serious because I want to be a good role model for the people watching. And I'm ashamed and I'm embarrassed about some of the things I did in videos or in Vines or whatever I was doing. And genuinely, I genuinely feel awful about it. And I'm going to do better actively and I'm gonna do that consistently. And you know, you have my word for that. And I promise that. And if I'm anything, I'm a man of my word. And I just wanna say that if there was a kid who saw something from me that didn't make them feel welcomed or just made them feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry. I did not ever mean to make anybody feel out of place. I genuinely just want to make you have a good time. And I'm going to do that from here on out. And I'm gonna do a better job at it.

Okay.

Thanks for listening to me. Now let's go on with the rest of the podcast.

Ilya is in the background taking a shower, and David just noticed something. I don't know whether to think it's brilliant or absolutely horrifying.

Well, it's— he's masturbating right now. I can tell because— because the water. The water's running and you can hear it, but you can't hear it. It sounds like it's just hitting an empty floor and there's no body there.

It's literally jerk-off CSI.

Oh, watch, when he comes out, we'll cut this part and we'll wait until he comes out and then we'll ask him if honestly he was masturbating. And we'll see if I was right.

Yeah.

The shower's running, you think he's showering, but listen to the water.

In other words, if it was hitting his body, there would be a deflection.

There'd be like clumps, you'd hear like.

Instead it's a straight, It's literally like it's raining. It's like you're running. Yeah, just knock on his—

No, we'll ask him when he comes out.

All right, we'll wait because we'll put him on the mic. Do you always track his masturbation habits?

When I'm close by. When I'm close by, I got nothing to do.

Ever since I stopped making vlogs.

Damn, bro, every podcast, like, there's one person that tweets at us and they're like, guys, please stop talking about jerking off. And we always fucking get back to it, always get back to it somehow. I gotta fucking calm down. Been in Utah for a little bit. I'm really excited to go back home.

Sure.

Just see Taylor. I don't know why, but I miss Taylor a lot. Taylor's one of our assistants and she's like my fucking mother. It's really crazy. I mean, it's obvious why I miss her because she makes me peanut butter without the crust. I feel like who wouldn't miss a person?

Top 3 Taylor dishes. Go.

Peanut butter without the crust. She makes— oh my God, she makes like the best— oh, she does strawberries with sugar on it. That's amazing. It's so good. It's making me feel so happy.

How does she cut the strawberries?

Like the best way possible.

Okay.

And then she makes a salad with steak.

Steak.

And she makes this salad. That I told her I like that I got in Hawaii once. So she got the recipe and she made it to near perfection. She's really great. She's really great. I don't know if I remember this, but last time I came back and I didn't see her for 2 days, I hugged her. That's how much I missed her.

Have her legally adopt you.

I think I will. I mean, it's already like that. Like, we'll be leaving places and she'll be like, I put your waters in there. I put Band-Aids in case you need them. And like, it's literally like the way she talks to you is like such a mom voice. It's really funny.

What happens when your mom comes? And visit, do they butt heads?

Oh yeah, totally.

Really?

Yeah. My mom tries to pretend like, oh shit, look at this. Here comes Ilya. Hey, can you grab the mic?

Yes.

I was masturbating. How did you know?

Hold on. Timeout.

Did you hear me?

Yes, I fucking heard you.

I was using the headphones, man. I got fucking soft. I got soft because of you.

Can you ask me after next time?

Oh my God. Oh, okay, okay. So you know what? You know what happened? You didn't hear everything. You just heard me go, "Ill, are you masturbating?" Okay, okay, guys, Ill just grabbed the mic. He walked right out of the bathroom and grabbed the mic and he goes, "Yes, I was masturbating. That was real." So you know what was happening is I was listening, I was listening in the shower and I heard the shower was just hitting the floor. It wasn't hitting a body. And I go to Jason, I go, "Jason, listen, what do you hear?" And he goes, I don't know, Ilya showering. I go, no, there's no Ilya.

That was good.

And I go, he's masturbating. And then I would be like, Ilya, are you masturbating? What did you think when I said, Ilya, are you masturbating?

Um, I kind of freaked out for a second and I got soft.

I lost my boner. You like thought I was in there?

No, I thought you were gonna try like coming in. I'm like, fuck, I gotta hurry up. And then I had to like refocus.

That's so funny. Yeah. And then, and then at the end, like after I said it, 5, like 5 minutes later, We saw your shadow walk by the door and then we heard you enter the shower and we're like, okay, you hear him now? Now he's in the shower because the water, you know what I mean? Like the water sounds—

of course, of course. It sounds different when you're in it.

Yeah. It's like, it's like an episode of Law and Order. It literally is the way he's detecting here.

He like dissects.

Yeah. The way I said it, the way I said it, like, you hear that shower? Yeah. Ilya's showering. No, wrong. There's no Ilya. That's funny. I'm glad I can catch you masturbating. And I really wanted this podcast to be masturbating free, but we got you.

And guys, that's 300 podcasts in a row. Masturbation joke. There you go. You're welcome. Oh, Dave, I found a personality test online.

Okay, hit it.

I've been taking it all week.

You've been taking it multiple times?

Yeah, I keep taking it. I keep getting the same results.

Trying to get a different one? I don't, I don't fuck with personality tests. I think, I think personality tests are silly.

You do?

Yeah. You ever think that they're— I mean, they're accurate, but it's like obvious, right?

Honestly, I I just wanted to fill time.

Okay, go, go, go.

I'm just kidding.

All right, here we go.

You enjoy vibrant social events with lots of people.

I mean, that's—

Agree or disagree or middle?

Oh, definitely middle.

Middle?

I'm a pretty big introvert.

I guess Ill, we've seen that in the past couple months with all the video games.

Yeah.

He's come out to be the real him.

Well, yeah, I think that if David didn't do YouTube or like something along those lines, he'd always stay in.

He'd be a librarian.

Yeah, I would never go out. I hate like that.

You often spend time exploring unrealistic yet intriguing ideas.

I think middle. I think I definitely do that, but I also am pretty realistic.

Your travel plans are more likely to look like a rough list of ideas than a detailed itinerary.

Oh, 100%. I fucking hate, dude, that's the worst thing you can do about travel is plan too much because then you have expectations and the expectations aren't met and then that's horrible. It's why every birthday party sucks is because everyone expects it to be so great. So if you're going to— the best travel I've ever had is when we decide to go there the day of or the day before. 100%, always the best. Like, Ilya and I just went to our hometown. We had the best time we've ever had. And that's all because we had no idea that we were going.

If your friend is sad about something, your first instinct is to support them emotionally, not to try to solve the problem. Agree, middle, or disagree?

Oh, wow. That's really tricky. I think no. I think mine is to solve the problem first.

Yeah. When in a group of people you do not know, you have no problem jumping right into their conversation.

Yeah, yeah, really?

100%.

Yesterday we were at fucking Big Al's Sporting Goods.

I did it yesterday. I did it exactly yesterday.

These three people that worked there, they were like arguing about if Harry Potter or fucking Star Trek was better. And David like needed socks and he walks up to them, he's like, or the people are like, hey, can we help you? And Dave's like, wait, hold on, let me help you. Let me help you decide what you're gonna You guys are arguing about this.

Yeah, because I overheard them talking and I was like, maybe I can help with this conversation.

When you sleep, your dreams tend to be bizarre and fantastical.

No.

You are dedicated and focused on your goals, only rarely getting sidetracked. Recently.

Recently. I get sidetracked a lot. Yeah.

You would never let yourself cry in front of others. Agree. I've never seen you cry.

He cried in front of me when we watched Mr. Deeds.

Did you really?

Yeah, but that's a fucking emotional movie.

That's funny because you put it in the group text the next day. Yeah, I've seen Mr. Deeds. Yeah, David, why? No, it's just a good movie.

Yeah, that is. It's— yeah, I'm okay with crying in front of people, but I really have to be like, there has to be a good purpose for me to cry. I won't just like cry about like, you know, like I'll cry a lot to myself. But those won't make it to the public.

When's the last time I cried?

Yeah.

Probably Mr. Deets.

You usually prefer to get your revenge rather than forgive.

No, I forgive all the time.

Dave, have you ever taken a personality test by yourself and like you get halfway through and you're like, fuck, this is so long, so you just start answering it randomly?

Yeah, yeah.

I filled in a bunch of questions already so we don't have to do them.

Yeah, 100%.

When starting to work on a project, you prefer to make as many decisions upfront as possible.

No.

Your mood can change very quickly.

Yes.

You often contemplate the reasons for human existence or the meaning of life. Well, we, as we know on this podcast, this is a big yes. Have you guys thought about houses and how they all got built and how they're here? I mean, like, who put them there?

Isn't it crazy how like everything comes from the earth? No, like being serious, like, like your phone comes from the earth. Yeah, right. Like, it's built from the shit we find on Earth. Yeah, that's so fucking weird. Cars are made from Earth. Like, that's so bizarre. You know how they say, like, paper is made from Earth? Like, obviously trees, but like, the fact that a washing machine is made from Earth, obviously you have to, you know, you have to combine things and, and, you know, yeah, there's a lot more to it. But that's insane to me.

I was in the Grand Canyon and I was like, my head was spun around.

So you're okay and cool.

I've saw it once before, like 20 years ago. I forgot, I forgot. Like we all started yelling as we went over this ridge and we were just kind of like long drive, you know, we're listening to Kanye and we're having fun, like whatever. The drive is long and all of a sudden we go over this ridge and Jonah has a filmer named Kyle who was like with us on the trip and him and I are in the front and Jonah can't really see in the back and Kyle and I just start going, holy shit, David, I'm a 47-year-old man. And I was like, holy shit, holy shit, right? Like, this is— are you fucking kidding me? Are you kidding me?

Is it that nuts?

It's that nuts.

Why?

Because it's— it doesn't look real. It's so large and so expansive, and there's so much detail. And it was— it wasn't made by us. It was made by something else. It was made by thousands of years, and it's so much detail to it. And we had Kanye on You know, that was it.

That's why.

All right, let's see the results.

You're a pussy. I just can't imagine what would it possibly say. What is it gonna say? I feel like all those— I feel like me answering those questions, like 3 of those questions, I've already said everything you need to know about my personality.

Your personality type is, drumroll, you're a campaigner.

Oh my god, that's so underwhelming. What does that mean?

It means just a moment, we would like you to email these results. Oh, man, they want your email.

Just a moment, please enter your credit card information to see full results.

The Campaigner personality is a true free spirit. They are often the life of the party, but unlike types in the Explorer role group, Campaigners are less interested in the sheer excitement and pleasure of the moment than they are in enjoying the social and emotional connections they make with others. Charming, independent, energetic, and compassionate, the 7% of the population that they can comprise can certainly be felt in any crowd.

Sounds right.

You can change the world with just an idea.

Sounds right, but you could have fucking said anything. It's just like reading a horoscope.

Hey, don't lose that little spark of madness. That's what they say.

Oh really?

Yeah, they want you to keep that little spark of madness because that's what keeps you going.

Tom, don't worry, I don't think it's leaving. I've tried.

The voices in my head.

Please respond. Please respond. I have seen multiple people and No, no luck. No therapy has helped.

Jonah did his Saturday Night Live audition in the Grand Canyon. That was pretty funny. And then he got yelled at.

By who?

By a ranger. He was going there to do a ranger character who yells at people, and he ended up getting yelled at by a ranger. And then he took the line that the ranger said to him, and that's how he finished his bit. The ranger was like, if you disturb— the ranger literally said, if you disturb one person, I will throw you right out of here.

Wait, really?

And then Jonah was like, That's perfect. He's like, thanks for the line.

That's what was missing. Wait, what?

He wasn't being that loud. Like, he literally was— he wasn't really being— like, a lot of one family was like, oh, that's so cool, he's doing his SNL audition. But I guess somebody complained.

Wait, how many people are at the Grand Canyon?

Not a lot. There was like nobody there.

Yeah, but how— wait, what?

Yeah, how does— how do you— what do you mean somebody?

Well, first of all, there's lots of spots. So the spot we were at was that spot, there was maybe 2 other— 2 other groups.

And the ranger pulled up.

The ranger just all of a sudden, Jonah's up there going like, hello, hello, hello, hello. Doing that over and over again, trying to have a conversation with himself. And then all of a sudden the ranger just goes, what? What the heck are you doing up there? There. And Jonah goes, I'm doing a Saturday Night Live audition, which was like, oh no.

Oh boy.

And then he's like, if you disturb anybody, I'm going to throw you out.

What the fuck?

Jonah was respectful. He was like, okay, we're all done. We're going to leave now.

Yeah, but that's, I guess that sounds like a had to be there moment. It's funny.

Oh, you have to be there when Jonah's there. Anyways, we went to Zion National Park, me, Jonah, and Joe, and we got outta the truck and some kids recognized us and we said hi. They were super nice. And then Jonah was like, you know, walking in the middle of the road about to get literally hit by an 18-wheeler. And I was like, Jonah, Jonah, you know? And then the kids go, oh, no way, they really call him Jonah.

Oh yeah, people forget that that's not his real name. That's so funny.

Yeah, I forget it's not.

My God, he must have been hard to travel with.

I think when he's around you, he's like turning up the craziness, the gas a little bit. But with him, he was pretty chill. He is so slow getting out of the van though. It's really too much. And also he doesn't drive. So we rented this like nice van And I was like, sick, I have 4 people that will share driving. And then when you get to sit in the back of the Sprinter van, it's awesome. You can watch Netflix, you can play Xbox, it's great. And you're on, you make a TikTok, whatever you want. So when you're not driving, it's fun. But of course he doesn't have his license. So he's like, I can't drive, bro. But, uh, I have my assistant Kyle, he can drive. And Kyle's like 19 and he's not like, I, I didn't want to have an accident and then have them be like, well, why was the 19-year-old driving? Right, right, right. You know, down the, the windy path.

Dave, you know how you do the college shows on Zoom now?

Yeah, yeah.

So Jay, I sit in some of the college shows that David does, and it's like me answering questions for like an hour with a moderator.

Yeah, like, like plays to like 500,000 kids at the school. Yeah.

And on the Zoom, there's a chat on the right side, right? Kind of small. You can like see people asking questions, and every college show that we've had, there's always somebody that goes, Ilya, raise your right hand if you're in trouble. And it's funny, and I do it, but I do it really, really like slowly and sneaky so David doesn't see. I go, I go—

that's so funny.

And like, they freak out.

Like, the whole chat freaks out.

He raised his hand and then it's like, blink twice if you need help. Yeah, it's really funny.

Let's be clear, you're here on your own volition, right? David is not holding you hostage.

Right. Eliot, right. Wait, that's crazy. Has anybody ever, like, made a TikTok of that?

No, I don't think so.

That's so fucking funny. I never knew you were doing that.

Yeah, I'm like, really sneaky about it. I try to, like, hold back my laughter because everyone's like freaking out. David's just talking. Do you ever go to like preschool? Like, that's kind of a stupid question, but I think a lot of people didn't go to preschool.

I don't remember if I was— I moved here when I was in preschool or kindergarten, so I had to learn how to speak English.

Yeah, that's kind of how it was too. I remember not knowing English and like freaking out, but I went to this preschool. It was like a Russian, like European preschool, right? Super, super European. European. And I remember the first day I like really needed to take a shit, and I remember running up to the bathroom, opening the door, pulling my pants down, completely missing the toilet.

Oh man, complete—

like, you're seeing Daddy Daycare where he like opens the door and like there's shit everywhere? Yeah, that's exactly how it was.

Oh, you pooped everywhere? Wasn't even pee?

I pooped everywhere. I missed the toilet.

What do you mean? Like, it went everywhere?

Like, I remember this vividly.

Just drop on the floor? Like, obviously didn't hit the wall.

Well, I had to shit so bad, it was like— it was like diarrhea.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Pull my pants down. Ah, shit everywhere.

Okay, what happened?

It's so hard to clean up a kid with diarrhea. Yeah.

And dude, I remember the fucking— the teacher or whatever walking upstairs, like, freaking the fuck out.

She was mad at you.

She was—

I got kicked out of that preschool because you diarrhea.

Yeah, because I shit all over the place. Yeah. They're like, we can't, we can't take this kid.

Are you being serious?

I'm being dead ass serious.

How did she find out that you shit?

How do you think?

I don't fucking know. I was a fucking 6-year-old kid running upstairs and then I fuck—

I don't know.

The smell, the sight, the sound.

Notice the kid was missing.

Do you ever have a crush on like your aunt or uncle or like your cousin?

What?

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, really?

Yeah.

Yeah. Like I had, like when I was a kid, I had a big crush on— I think it was like my aunt or somebody. Like, I just had a crush on her.

Your blood aunt?

My blood aunt.

Yeah.

Like my family.

A crush?

Yeah. Like, I liked her. I was like, I like you. I mean, crush.

Like sexually?

I was 6, dog. You're like 5 years old and like—

Like you like somebody. Like, I like you.

I like you.

I like you. No, like, you don't know what we're saying.

My cousin had— my cousin who was like probably 10 or 12 years older than me, maybe she was like 17 when I was 5. She had like a gaggle of like really pretty friends. Okay, I do remember that would be around and then they would like put me in the middle and they'd be like, oh, here he is.

Wait, wait. So who would you have a crush on? Your cousin?

Like kind of my cousin. But then I met her friends and I was like, oh my God.

Oh, that's different. No, I had like a crush on like my serious, like, aunt.

I had a crush on my second cousin. I do remember what you're talking about.

How old are you? 19?

No, no, she— I was like probably 8.

I don't know.

That's a little old.

Yeah. You fucking weirdo.

It's your second cousin.

Does it even count?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah. I know people that have hooked up with their second cousins.

Right.

I don't find it that weird.

Vernon Hills.

Yeah, that is kind of weird. I mean, technically, everybody's your family if you go back far enough.

Right.

They all came from one place. I don't know. I don't know if this is like normal or if this is some European shit that's going on.

Well, no, Jason knows what we're talking about. I mean, you do know what we're talking about, right?

I know. What are you talking about? You're talking about how like Eastern European people—

how we wanted to fuck our cousins. We were 12.

I went down, I went and had dinner with Marty and the kids. Did I tell this story last week? Let me know if I did.

Okay.

I went and had dinner with Marty and the kids last week for some day. Oh, Father's Day. Right, that's what it was. And, uh, it's just like anything I say is like wrong. Like, we're just living in such a stressful time for everybody. Yeah, 2020 is the worst, David.

What happened?

Like, sat down and I had— we had the kids all day for Father's Day and we had a nice time, we really did. And sat down, she's, she's in a great mood. She's like, how was your day? Like, what'd you guys do? And it was like literally everything I said was like wrong. Like, for instance, like Well, um, we went to the mall. We— you went to the mall like that? And I was like, yeah, we went to Urban Outfitters, but we wore masks. Uh, we, we didn't see anybody. We went right back home. She's like, I can't believe we're going to the mall. And then, and then I was like, and I was like, well, then I got Charlie a cake because she hit 300K on TikTok. You got Charlie a cake for— this is something we're celebrating now, 300K on TikTok? And I was like, ah, ah, ah. And then Charlie's looking at me. She's like, what the fuck are you doing?

That cake was between us. Fucking moron.

She will kick me under the table. She's like, fuck it.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was so funny on the podcast because I was relistening to the podcast and there's a part where— I'm sorry, I just find this— I find your friendship so interesting because like I've grown up with like a lot of guys. I've had lots of friends my whole life, guy friends, right? And it's— and I— and I'm— and I understand your relationship is so weird. There's literally a part in the podcast that was not supposed to— last week before Ilya's just sitting there pontificating I'm kidding. And he goes, you know, like for Dave, like, you know, I wanna do business, you know? And then I like, I wanna like do well and like buy Dave nice things. I wanna like, you know, I wanna buy him a car. I wanna buy him a house. And I just thought it was so funny.

Why do you think that's funny?

I just think it's funny.

Oh, I thought there was a joke coming.

No, you don't think that's funny?

Why?

He was dead serious.

What do you mean?

You guys don't think it's funny? I think it's, I guess maybe it's a generational thing. I don't know.

But I love buying stuff for people. It's like the best part.

I know, but it's just so strange you're gonna buy him a house. Why?

That is weird that you think that's weird.

I guess it— I guess— I guess you guys—

no, that's like the coolest thing.

I guess it's pretty cool. I guess I didn't grow up like— I just think most— you know what it is? You're right, there's— it's really cool, but most people aren't like that.

Like, oh, interesting.

That's crazy.

Yeah, Ilya and I last night had a conversation about how he doesn't like people paying for him. Like, you don't like when people pay for things, right? Like, right now he's living at my house and he hates it. He's like, I fucking hate that I'm living at your house.

Well, why?

The more like watching your TV anyway. Dude. And he goes, he goes, I think I'm going to move out. What the fuck? Why the fuck would you move out? I'm losing my mind over here. I'm like, how about this? How about I charge you for half the rent? Yeah, that's how I'm going to stay here. You'll pay. You'll pay to live with me. How's that?

You'll pay.

You'll pay all the mortgage. Like, yeah, I don't know, Ilya. Like, and like, I get that. Like, that's cool. Like, he feels the need that like he has to, you know, he wants to earn his own things. He doesn't want to like feel like he's a mooch. But that's, you know, obviously, you know me and that's not how I think about him. It's not—

it's not you, though, right?

It's not me. It's Ilya.

It's Ilya being like, we're all living off David.

No, but like, it's like, it's like especially like Ilya living with me, like that helps me more than it helps him.

It is kind of crazy. Like, I could like probably like, you know, not work at all, not make any videos, not make any podcasts and come over to your house and completely live off the food there. Like, completely be like, could I borrow the Ferrari? And you'd be like, yeah, sure, take it.

Oh, that is interesting.

Yeah, I could probably like call like hotels and be like, hey, I'm David's friend. Can I get a free hotel? I should do that for a video. How much free shit can I get saying I'm David's friend?

It's interesting because you could definitely come over and be like, hey, can I spend the night?

Yeah.

And I don't know how long it would take. I wouldn't say anything. It'd be Natalie. That'd be the one that would come up to me and be like, hey, Jason's been here 4 months.

I try to respect your boundaries at your house.

Oh, I genuinely do not care.

Every time.

I hate— that's my least favorite part about people that have I have no boundaries when friends come over. I think my friends— I've always wanted a house where a friend can walk through the door no matter what time it is and sit in my living room and eat. I don't have to be home. They can go to my house and they could be sitting on my couch eating my food, watching my TV, whatever they want to be doing. I hate when I go to friends' houses and they go, yo, did you call? Did you call about coming over? Like, Jay, I'd consider you'd be okay. You'd never go, what are you doing here? You'd ask me. Well, you'd ask me, you'd be like, why are you at my house? You never like my house. Yeah, that's why you'd ask me.

I'm seeing, by the way, you know when you on my house. I'm seeing the downside of my house now.

You don't like your house?

No, I like it, but it's like I'm two different people, you know? I'm like dad guy, and then I'm like YouTuber guy or whatever, like guy that needs to make content. And that house services half of me.

Which part, the dad?

Kids. The kids love it. They fucking love like— and they love like Todd and Zane and all them, like they love those guys. But it just, it wasn't good. Like they want— they have their own rooms. It's not like someone's like walking through the house with a chainsaw, you know what I mean? Because that's what like used to happen when we all lived together.

Sorry about that.

Is that— I said with a chainsaw. But like, it wouldn't just be you, you know? Like everyone would just come to the house because— and that was what we needed to do. Like we needed to make videos to pay for the house.

Has there ever been a time where you've mooched off a friend? Like crazy amount?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Where?

Oh man. I mean, I can admit this.

Not your ex-wife.

I can admit this here. I mooched off Scott. Scott pretty bad.

Oh really? Yeah, our friend Scott.

Yeah, what do you mean? I think I did. I don't, I don't know if he knew.

When was this?

But there was definitely— when, when I first met you, I was broke, broke, broke. And then I got the house with the boys, Todd and Scott, who were great, and they were so nice, and I was like so happy to live there. But I literally didn't have any money for that rent, like, and I'm pretty I paid Scott back, but there was definitely those first couple months was like, I paid the rent, but then like, I like wouldn't buy food, stuff like that. Like I literally would like drink Scott's water. Like I was mooching off Scott for a while.

Oh wow.

I was. And Todd didn't buy anything, so I can't say I'm mooching off Todd.

Has anybody ever mooched off you?

Oh yeah, for sure. But I think that's okay. 'Cause I feel like everybody, I feel like that's an important part is to have a mooch around.

I think you give and you take.

Yeah, exactly.

I think that's what it is. I think there's gonna be times where you're, where you need something, and there's gonna be times you can give something, right? Like, it's a healthy circle. That is important. I don't know, Ilya, why do you want to move out so bad? What the fuck?

I don't know, man. I, I don't feel independent living in someone else's house.

How about I give you the master bedroom?

No, I don't—

I sign the deed over to you.

That's not about that.

I'm in Ilya's house. I wanna— then I start to go, yo, man, I think I'm gonna move out. I don't feel independent. I move out of my own house.

Other people's perception of me is much different when, like, I live you. You understand that, right?

Right.

Who's perception— like, the public, the general public's perception of me is way different. I want people to like understand that I am my own man. Like, I value myself and like I can pay for my own shit and I'm independent. Like, that's what I want people to understand, right? And people, people respect that way more.

Totally. But it's also nice to just have like movie nights and stuff.

Yeah, I mean, dude, if I move out, I'm still always going to be at your fucking house. You understand that, right? Like, I'll probably fucking sleep there as much as I do now. It's just like, I'll have in the back of my mind, I'm like, okay, cool, I'll just go back to my house.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. So go ahead. Go, go and buy a new place, but still sleep at my place. And we can, we can tell the public, hey guys, Ilya bought a new place.

Okay.

Okay. Hey, when's the last time you were at your apartment?

Like 8 months ago.

The guy told us that, like, people fall off the Grand Canyon a lot. It gets really— yeah, it's like a 2-mile drop.

That's fucked up.

Yeah, we got to the Grand Canyon. Jonah was like really excited. He starts running towards it, you know, and immediately my dad mode kicks in. I'm like, Jonah! I'm like, Jonah! He's like, it's fine, it's fine. And he literally like slipped, and he's like, Dave, he's— I haven't even seen this yet. He's— he was right there, the 2-mile drop.

Down like 2 miles.

2 miles.

Wait, what?

Yeah, like to the bottom.

No. Yeah, the Grand Canyon's 2 miles long to the bottom.

Yeah, in some bullshit, in some spots to where like the river is. Like it's— and the guy was like, he— the guy's like, yo, yo, yo, yo, hey man, hey man, just step back a little bit. Like you're like, oh fuck. And he's like, then he told us that like some guy was like trying to do like a selfie pic where we like jumped in the air. And he just went, just fell over.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

And it's just like a lot of it's guarded, but a lot of it's not. So we were just like, not so close, but John was like, no, no, I got to get this pic. I'm like, oh man.

Oh boy.

Yeah. So stuff like that is—

I wonder what goes through your head when you're in that fall.

What, what I don't understand about that is, is the guy you're talking about, the guy who took the selfie and fell, right, like, into his death. I just find it really hard to believe that, like, how— I'm assuming the guy was probably 25, right? 20, 30 years old, whatever.

I don't know.

Yeah, like, I just find it hard to believe that he spent 30 years of his life for it to end that way. Like, it just— it's hard for me to wrap my head around, like, that it all came to end with the goofiest of mistakes. Like, not even like a car accident. Yeah, that's already pretty random, but like, like, falling off the Grand Canyon while taking a selfie. Like, that sounds— it just sounds— it doesn't sound real to me.

Yeah, it's like when I was drowning, I thought I was going to— I was like, this is how I'm going out.

Wow.

Crazy.

Drowning is another thing, Jay, but taking a selfie and falling off the Grand Canyon is a completely another thing.

But I just like— I went running one morning in Cape Cod and like got in the water and a current came and just took me. Like, I guess— I guess the Grand Canyon was the worst example.

Yeah, Grand Canyon's like— and the drowning is different, but Grand Canyon is you're falling.

Yeah.

So like you're alive and then you're dead. With drowning, you're panicking and you're dying.

Yeah.

With falling is like you're completely alive till you hit the ground, which I think is crazy. So what is going on in that guy's head as he's falling like off the ground? Like, is he going, what the fuck just happened? Yeah, he must be so confused. Did I really just fucking slip for a selfie from the selfie? Like, it's just— it wouldn't— as I'm falling, I'd be like, no, this is not real. There's no fucking way this is real, right? I just— it's such a bizarre way to— it's weird how, like, it's weird how people have free will, like, and they, they can make decisions like that on their own. Like, you know, like life or death, like decisions like that.

Yeah.

Scary.

How was it in here last night in the bunk bed?

David and I sleep together every night pretty much now.

Yeah. Since we've been in Utah, we sleep in the same bed. And it's really nice. The other, the other day he wakes up and he goes, he goes, yo, did you have morning wood? And I got so nervous. I go, yeah. And he goes, okay, cool, me too. I thought he was gonna go, okay, that's what that feeling was. Like, I thought I was actually rubbing myself against him or something.

Dude, the only annoying part about sleeping with Dave is this fucking alarm in the morning, which you didn't have this morning. My God. But one of the mornings he sets When I don't— when I don't— fucking— it's 2 AM.

I didn't have it this morning because we didn't have to wake up.

Whatever. Yeah, well, you didn't have to wake up the other day either. Regardless, it's 2 AM, 3 AM, whatever. Dave goes, I'm gonna wake up at 8 tomorrow. I'm like, okay, why? He's like, just cuz. Yeah, like, okay, great.

And such a teenager move.

Fucking 8 o'clock comes around. Yeah, and I wake up, of course, because the fucking alarm is loud as shit. Yeah, and what he does for the next 2 fucking hours—

no, don't say it—

2 hours, Jay snoozes every 10 fucking minutes, and we end up waking it up by like 10:30. It doesn't make any sense. It does.

I just sleep better that way. I sleep better knowing that— like, talking about it's like the alarm going like, hey, you have 2 more hours left. Like, it's like nice. And then every 15 minutes it wakes you up. So you— and you always think you have to wake up, but then you go, oh wait, no, not yet. And you go back to bed. When I used to go to high school, I used to have to get up at like 6:30 in the morning for school, and my alarms would start ringing at 4 in the morning.

Much different. Much different. Mine too. Mine would start ringing like 5:30 because I know that like it'd be a process of waking up. But you don't have to wake up at Fucking 8 a.m. Why would you set it at 8 if you know you're going to wake up at 10:30 anyway?

And don't you know that the waking up every 15 minutes is bad sleep, right?

It makes me feel good though. I feel happy. Admit that I was a lot happier when I woke up.

I'm not sure about that one.

Yeah, sleeping with Ilya is weird.

He misses Taylor.

I miss Taylor.

You miss sleeping with Taylor?

No, I miss her.

Taylor.

I was in the car. I was in the car with Ilya today. We were driving back. We had a long car ride. And I was up front and he was all the way in the back.

Yeah.

And, and I was playing the music through the aux and he was playing it through the Bluetooth. So we would switch off every song. So one song I would hit and I would play and then he'd play the next. And, and, and we kept doing that for like 3 hours. And then he texts me teamwork. He texts me teamwork. And then like 8 more songs go by and, and, and yeah, 8 more songs go by and I turn off the music and I turn around and I go, Ilya, if like this vlogging thing or whatever I'm doing doesn't work out, we should just be fucking DJs. And he goes, and he goes, deadass, deadass. No, and he freaks out. He goes, deadass, deadass, you didn't see my text just now. Deadass, you didn't see my text. And I'm like, no, I didn't see your text. And I read his text and it's, you want to become DJs? Would be fun, easy to learn. So we We both had the thought at the same time.

We now bring in Dylan Francis. Dylan.

Yeah, we both had the thought about becoming teachers. I thought it was so funny.

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

So look out. Yeah, look out.

You guys are turning into the millennial version of Step Brothers.

Yeah. Oh yeah, it does feel like that. Yeah, I just realized.

Yeah.

Do you have 6 senses?

I have 5.

Yeah, but is your 6th sense your sense of humor? Do you ever think about that? Do comedians have sixth senses?

I never— no, I don't think it's like that. That'd be like saying I know a lot about birds. Yeah, that makes you have a sixth sense.

Yeah, but no, nothing's referred to as sense of—

The Sixth Sense is not a story about a stand-up comedian.

You sure? Yeah, I thought Bruce Willis was pretty funny in that movie. What weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks?

They weigh the same.

Did you see that? I saw that TikTok too, around TikTok, about that girl About the IQ girl or whatever.

Well, what weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks?

I heard the fucking answer and I know the answer. I'm not fucking dumb.

I thought he just missed it. All right, guys. Well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. It's been a Views podcast. Go follow Jason on my— on his stuff. Go follow me and we'll see you guys soon. My name is Jeff.

Bye.