$400,000 To Quit Drinking

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the first podcast of ours in the new year 2020.

Yep.

You ever thought you'd make it this far?

Oh yeah, I knew it. I'm immortal, you didn't know that?

Really?

David, I'm actually 126 years old.

I wouldn't be surprised. Alright, let's roll intro music. The first podcast of the year 2020. Come on guys, put your hands together.

Yes, happy Happy New Year, David! Now that I have you here, I'm ready for my New Year's kiss. Go ahead. I'd prefer if you kissed me, David, so go ahead and lean in whenever you're ready.

Jay, what are your New Year's resolutions?

My New Year's revolutions, uh, are gonna be to take over China, start an uprising in Kuwait.

Revolutions? Are you about to take over the United States?

Oh, you said resolution.

Well, this is our first podcast of the new year.

Getting really serious. I'm just doing yoga.

I just did yoga.

You look like you just did yoga. You just looked at some beautiful girls, probably, in the yoga class.

I don't go there for that, Jason. There was— there was cute girls there.

You don't look like you right now.

I just got out of yoga.

He looks a little different right now, doesn't he? Where's the real Jeff? Let's ask questions that only Jeff would know.

I'm just getting— I'm getting older.

Okay, here's a question only Jeff would know. Where did I first meet you?

Our manager's Christmas party.

What did you guys say to each other?

No, we met at Coachella.

No, we We didn't meet at Coachella. I met Liza at Coachella.

That was the first time I saw you was at Coachella.

Okay, you got me. I'm an imposter.

That's so scary.

I'm trying to remember where I met Jeff for the first time.

Hold on, Jay. You're not sinking your teeth into the right thing here. This isn't Jeff.

I don't know where I met any of you for the first time.

You're all on Quaaludes. What kind of podcast is this?

I can't believe he just insulted me. I look tired. That's what it is.

Yeah, I don't think he was saying I'm getting in my older years. No, he's not insulting you. He's saying you just look chilled out.

Looks fade, David.

It's the New Year's. I'm going to say something that may surprise you guys. I like hanging out with all of you guys.

That's really nice of you to say, David, because I walk around thinking most of the time that you don't.

What are your New Year's resolutions, Jason?

I'm going to just— I'm going to work smarter.

Oh, okay.

That's my thing.

Not work harder, smarter.

Work smarter.

I don't know. I appreciate that.

I'm going to try.

I'm insecure now.

I don't want to work harder.

Jeff just put his head up.

Way to go, David. You fucking insulted our guest.

Well, this guy DM'd me today. It was just a random DM. He said that I'm better than David. So I answered. I was like, I know. And then he was like, he needs you for content. That's, that's what it is. And I was like, you know what, you're right. Is it cool if I show this to him? And he was like, yeah, it's cool. And then of course I sent it to this shit to remind him, you know, sometimes you gotta do that, Jason. You should do that every day.

You sent it to David?

Yeah, I was out on the town like having a good day, and then I got that text from Jeff with this random guy saying he's cooler than me.

Did it put you down a little bit?

I took a nap. That's why I was— that's why I was napping for 4 hours, because I just couldn't believe what I saw.

I never send those David's ways. Hey, any kind of negative David stuff I sweep under the rug.

You ever— hey, did you ever go to like a high school dance?

Uh, yeah, I went to all of them.

Really?

I was— yeah, I was very social.

Were you prom king ever?

Didn't make prom king, no.

It's always a—

you know, there's only 2 years you can—

it's always a red flag when you're prom king.

Why is that?

It's either you're like really cool or really lame.

Oh, like it's a joke?

Yeah, like the kids are fucking with you, or you're actually just like a cool guy.

Did that happen in your high school?

I don't know, did it happen, Natalie? I feel like it did. I was prom king.

That was your David's prom king.

No way. No, no, I wasn't prom king. I didn't go to prom. Did you go to high school dances? There's no way you did.

I went to my prom.

Get the fuck out of here. You went to your prom?

Did you have fun?

Yeah.

Did you get drunk?

I used to cut everyone's hair, so I had a lot of connections. And one of the busboys, he— there's no alcohol at the proms, obviously, so even for the teachers. And the whole faculty, there's no alcohol. So this guy was sneaking me alcohol and I was sneaking it to the teachers. So I was hooking up all my teachers and faculty.

With alcohol?

Yeah, yeah, true story.

I think it's a little exaggerated. I think there was one teacher that took a shot with Jeff at prom.

No, I will fly out my evening dress.

I think over the years it's gotten to everybody was fucked up. I fucked one of my teachers in the bathroom.

No, no, no.

It sounds like one of those stories that got fabricated as time went on.

I don't exaggerate stories.

I have those stories.

So interesting.

It is interesting.

I was never married, and I've been telling you that for years. It's all made up. It's all fabricated. Charlie Wyatt, they're not mine. Actress Natalie's an actor.

I am fake.

We hired just to have you.

I'm too relaxed over here. This warm fireplace, this cozy couch.

Yeah, bro, I don't know what's going on, but the last like week has been like so like low energy. I'm like losing my mind. Like, I don't know what's going on. Okay, timeout. World War III is actually trending with 750,000 tweets.

I mean, everything you read on Twitter is true, so—

And it's right above Coachella. World War III and then Coachella lineup.

Can you get drafted in the US? No, right?

If they institute a draft.

Which Trump probably would, right?

Not necessarily.

You can't. You're good, 'cause they could see you publicly and they'd be like, "Oh, this guy's a pussy. We don't want him." That's fucked up.

No, I wouldn't be drafted because I'm not a citizen. Imagine we all got drafted to the army. Oh my God, we would be the fucking worst.

That'd be a lit vlog.

That's how you know the US would be in some serious deep trouble.

Thank God that there's, you know, real men out there that fucking want to go fight and are good at it.

I know. What the fuck would we do?

We wouldn't be very—

you know what the scariest part of the draft would be for me?

Yeah.

I mean, this is not the scariest, but already red flag for me. Shaving my head.

Like, already at that point, I would love to see your hairline to see what's doing up there.

Already at shaving my head, I'd be like, You know what? I can't do it. I can't do it.

That break you?

That would break me.

Yeah.

But I guess if everybody was doing it, we'd have no choice, right?

I think there's a great— it's a great liberation in shaving your head. You know, it's like very like— it's very cleansing. You know, it's like, oh, fuck it.

We were in New York and Vardhan was scared and he called Jonah and he's like, I'm going to put a knife under my bed. And we were just like, like, if you put a knife under your bed, the only thing you're going to do is roll over on that knife in the middle of the night, just under his pillow.

Yeah.

He thought a burglar was going to come in through his window and he was on the 6th floor. A burglar is going to climb into your window and you're going to take him out.

He was scared of being in New York City, like he thought that's where all the criminals are.

Okay, here's my thing. A guy breaks in, you have a knife, you stab him. I'm always scared of that. Not the actual stabbing part, but like, I stabbed the guy and he's— we're still so close. Won't he just grab the knife, pull it out and stab me?

You got to really kill him. You got to really fucking kill him.

I don't think you feel it when you get stabbed.

That's what I'm saying. Like, I doubt he's going to, like, be like, oh my God, I can't move anymore. I'm going to lay down and die. Like, I'm sure he'll just grab my neck and then pull the knife out and stab me.

You're better off just throwing the knife at him and running away screaming.

That's— yeah, that's what I would do.

I feel very safe now.

Right on. This is a very uplifting podcast.

If you're ever in a situation where there is someone coming to hurt you, just know that I got your back because you'll be running away. Well, yes, I would run out of the house very quickly, but I'd be the first to call 911 from far away. I'd be like the command station.

I'd be like, Natalie, I know I'm going to be like doing karate with the murderer and you're going to be outside in the driveway crying.

Now, if anybody ever came to like kill us, I know to knock out on you.

Yeah, I know.

Who do you, who do you think they would kill first? I always thought about this. Would they kill you or would they kill me first?

I mean, it depends on who they find first, right?

Yeah, but like the way your room is positioned. I would think that they would kill me first. You'd run away, or would you come in and try to fight this intruder?

Well, it depends.

I mean, you're the glory. You're the glory kill.

You know what they say, if you kill a killer, then that makes the same amount of killers on the planet. That's a quote by Batman.

Oh, that's why Batman never kills anybody.

Yeah, but if you kill two, two bad guys, you're doing the right thing.

You want me to open up on the podcast right now?

I do. I'd love it.

I think masturbating is better. What? Natalie, would you agree?

Got you in a corner there.

I think masturbating is better. That's just me.

You think?

No pun intended. It is most of the time. It is just you. Um, I just think, I think one, you know what you want the most. And I know there's gonna be people that are gonna be like, are gonna be sitting listening to this and be like, well, you've never had good sex. Yeah, that's not true. I just think, I just think It's so convenient. You can do it wherever you want. Well, almost wherever you want. And you can do it whenever you want. And like one part of your body helps out the other. It's almost kind of magical. If there's anyone—

You get bummed out when you masturbate? No. I get so bummed out.

Why? Someone told me this the other day.

I'm like, ah, this again.

Why? I'm a loser. No, I think it's so great.

Oh, I don't think so. It doesn't make me feel good at all.

I think it's, someone told me this the other day, there's a thing called PNC.

Yeah.

It's post-nut clarity.

Okay.

And I think it, I think genuinely masturbating, I think it clears your mind so much. Like it's such a good way to start a day.— and end the day and finish up lunch.

Can I butt in? I think I could break this down and see why you are feeling guilty after and why he feels great. This is Jeff. I think David is going off of memory from all the beautiful women he's bedded, and you are going off of some guilty, shameful porn that you look at, and afterwards you're like, damn, I just got off to this stuff.

David looks at porn too.

No, I don't.

He goes from memory. He goes in the shower and there's no iPhones or anything and no technology.

No, I have waterproof. Do you like masturbating more or sex? Sex. For sure. Okay, how about this? How about this? If you could have sex with one person for the rest of your life or masturbate every day to whatever you want to masturbate— okay, that's what I thought. Natalie, sex or yourself? I'd rather have sex every day.

If I had to—

you have to have sex every day or masturbate every day with the same person though.

Natalie, I don't think Natalie thinks having sex with the same person is a bad thing.

No, I'm not—

who's the person?

No, I'm not saying she wants to like have sex with a bunch of other people. I'm just saying that it's like It's that same person. Like, they can't mix it up as much as you can yourself.

I don't know if that's necessarily true. I feel like there's a lot more ways for you to mix it up with somebody else than there is to mix it up with just yourself.

Not if that person's super vanilla.

Yeah, don't be with somebody that's vanilla.

Not if you have a really strong rope in your closet.

Have you ever had sex with a person and imagined you were with someone else?

Oh yes, sure. Yeah, I've done that.

Well, you've been married for 47 years. Of course you have, Jason. I was asking Natalie.

Yeah, I get bummed out when I masturbate. It's just kind of like—

because you feel dirty.

Yeah, but if I had sex with somebody, I feel great. I feel like, wow. Like, I could be really depressed, and if I had sex with somebody, I'd be like, hey, things aren't so bad. Really? Yeah. Oh yeah. Which is probably fucked up. I agree with you.

That sounds like a serious midlife crisis.

No, I've always felt that way. Really? I hate when you mix things in of me being old. Like, you're like, you're like, you're like, Jason, you're so— you're so old and such a loser. Like, no, I've always been a loser. Jason, but this probably fucked up. You're right, probably value it too much. Like, I get too much— my ego is wrapped up in it. Like, but after, if I had sex with somebody, I'm like, hey, all right, still got it. Yeah, yeah, really? Yeah, always that way.

I feel like that after I masturbate.

You do?

I'm Jason Nash and I just had sex with you.

I don't know. Like and subscribe. Do you guys feel like you could have sex with the same person for the rest of your life?

That I think is a different thing.

Like, I don't know, it's a different question.

I feel like I'm not old enough to know the answer to that. Interesting. I feel like I haven't been in a relationship long enough where I could be like, I can't do this anymore.

I remember when I was getting married, I was like, this is it. It's really just the same person for the rest of my life.

That, that is a crazy—

that was really daunting. Yeah. And there was no like wiggle room around it either.

There was no like, yeah, yeah, you know, maybe on Saturdays I can go out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe at 10 years, you know, an orgy or something, or she's like, nope.

You asked her?

Yeah.

Oh, you asked your wife?

Sure.

You're like, I'm like, so we're going to just do this the rest of our life, just us? She's like, uh-huh. Wait, that's what marriage is?

And she was okay with that?

Yeah.

You think it'd be the other way?

She wasn't that into sex. Well, look who she had to do it with.

She didn't have the best hand.

Listen, I get it. I'm no Chris Hemsworth.

That's like the scariest thing is like, because like now she has a boyfriend. Sure. And just like, I could just imagine you sitting on the couch with him having a conversation and him just going, yo, yes, this woman, she loves sex. Like, she just can't get enough of it.

Not my experience, Chris.

Like that. That's a really scary thought. Just that her new, her new boyfriend just is having a lot of sex with her.

I always wondered what you two do during sex since you're such silly goofballs and you're just joking around all the time. Are you just slinging jokes too while you're having sex, Jason?

Yeah, I have a rubber chicken that I bring out.

Do you make jokes when you're having sex or being intimate? Yeah. I'd call the police.

No, I don't make jokes. I'm quite serious when I have sex, David. You saw my videos that I showed you.

You do impressions?

This is my David Blaine having sex with you impression.

No, I—

people— the people that I have had sex with, I think they, they actually go like, oh wow, you're like really into sex. You're not like jokey at all. That's been, that's been my feedback.

That sounded like, oh wow, I thought this was gonna be fun. This got, this got really serious and I don't, I don't like it anymore.

Well, I mean, prostitutes are paid to be there, so why is prostitution illegal?

Like if it's done properly, like what is the— what's the problem with selling your body for sex?

It's the oldest profession known to man. It just became illegal recently.

But for what reason? Why is it like if that's your body, you can do whatever the fuck you want with it, right? Isn't that how it works?

Because people get hurt. People that— it's a crime. And then people are alone with somebody soliciting something. They can't tax it and people get beat up and murdered and raped.

Well, I feel like that's why— that's why you make it safer. If you want to be a prostitute, you can make it like there's security there, who you're having sex with. It's like a nice hotel. There's a button to hit. In case of an emergency.

But I think a big portion is that it's like cash. It's not taxable too, right?

But if it was, maybe you should take this to Shark Tank.

If it was.

Yeah, but imagine my name is David Dobrik and I'm seeking $700,000 for my business, Great Pussy.

Yeah, but imagine if it is taxable, right? Then a girl that's getting paid $100 to go have sex with somebody.

I'm not even talking about girls. I'm talking about guys too.

Okay, girls and guys, whoever is going to have sex with somebody, now you're getting 30% of that is going to the government. But you did 100% of the fucking.

So it's like, yeah, but that's what we do.

100%.

You do 100% of your work.

You do 100% of your work. The government still takes your money. That's with any job. That totally makes sense.

Yeah, but it's not like my— it's not like me giving my body away. It's like giving my brain and my time to you.

It's giving your body away, but to other people it's just like sex.

And why is porn legal if prostitution isn't? Yeah.

Yeah. So if I go— if I go and pay a prostitute, if I tell her I'm filming it, then it's okay.

Yeah. If you could watch any of your friends have sex, who would you pick?

Um, shit, I have to pick a girl, right?

Two.

I mean, whatever you want to put your boat, but whatever you want to watch.

I mean, I would love—

it's your choice, it's your night.

Okay, it's my night. Yeah, sure. I would take Zane. Yeah, and Zane and Heath. Oh my God, I don't know why, but it'd be so funny. Their sex must be wild. Yeah, like imagine like Zane hammered and Heath a little bit tipsy, it'd be like crazy. It'd be crazy because the way that those guys move their bodies is unlike anything else. And I would do it just for the art. I wouldn't watch it. I can get off to it. I would just literally just enjoy it. Sure. We're here with Todd. He's one of our good-looking friends. He's also an author recently.

He's a vlogger, musician.

You went on a book tour where you signed a bunch of books.

Yes.

And it's basically— it's a book with a lot of poems in it. Some pages, just like one picture, and then other pages is just like— that's for you, Dave. It's like a grocery shopping list. And then he titles it something that's artsy.

Well, I first got my start from— I was trying to impress Dave a long time ago before I knew him by posting long Instagram captions, stories.

Yes.

But Dave, his attention span's, you know, very quick, so he never caught on.

I always read your long captions.

Would you consider yourself a deep person, Todd?

Yeah, I would.

Are you a complex human?

Super complex.

You have complex emotions?

Just like very—

like an onion, you know, to peel it back.

Natalie knows. Yeah, it makes you cry as you're peeling it back. Just fucking tears. What would you say is your strongest quality?

My strongest quality lately?

A great wrestler.

Thank you. He's a really good wrestler.

Um, good cuddler.

Very good cuddler. Jane can attest to that.

Todd has the biggest fingers.

Todd has big fingers.

You've never seen him? Give him one of the fingers.

Yeah, those are huge.

Grab a finger, like put your hands over it. Imagine that finger inside you.

Yeah, it's an interesting thought, Dave. Natalie's now grabbing Todd. Natalie's putting a ring on Todd's finger, proposing. So you're saying your best quality is your fingers?

My fingers. I think that's a great physical, physical quality. Actually, a quality that I've picked up lately—

gotta be my fingers.

You know, not to stick my nose up Dave's ass, but I've learned this from him over the years, is not to hold grudges for more than a couple minutes.

Oh nice, David's really good at that. Yeah, he never stays mad at anybody.

That's a good one, Todd. I like that you adopted that.

Yeah, I carry it around with me and take it to my grave. Like right now, I'm really, really mad at Dima, and I'm too much of a pussy to bring it up, but I didn't like the way he reparked my car yesterday. Um, it's a little off.

I don't know, Dave, getting back to the complex thing, I think, um, when I get to a certain point of drinking or just, you know, writing and feeling a certain way, I think it's like, you know—

That's amazing. How many Instagram models have you slept with in the last 2 weeks?

Not that many.

Does Dima count?

Bieber does not count.

He's a model. He's on Instagram. Yeah, he models stuff.

You know, I'd rather not say.

I live with Todd. I didn't see him like running girls in and out of there. Yeah, at all.

Either. But I keep hearing from Jeff that like this guy's like the new talk of the town. Todd's like the most popular guy in town. It's all—

I'm sure, man. For sure. Jeff's great with that. You know what I think is interesting is to see what will happen with all the guys who drink a lot. At what point they'll all stop drinking.

I think it's already happening. You think? Yeah. I slowly feel everyone just stopping to drink.

I don't know, man. I think you're just bouncing off New Year's right now. People were pretty wasted December 31st, and it's January 2nd now. Give them a couple of days.

They'll be back.

Okay. David offered Zane $400,000 to not drink this year.

Why don't you offer that to me?

Well, here's the thing. You do it. I said it, but I didn't actually— I wasn't actually going to pay him, but he thought about it and he went, oh, like, why the fuck would you think about that? All you have to do is not touch alcohol and you get $400,000 for the year.

Jesus, I would do that.

I would never do it because I think it's the easiest bet for him to win.

You think so? I don't know about him.

Todd, would you be able to not drink alcohol for $400,000 for one year? 100%.

Yeah. Easiest thing ever. And I would be in better shape. I'd be better mentally.

I'd be—

I'd be scary.

Okay. But no hard drugs either?

No, nothing over Coachella.

No, no. Yeah.

What about Coachella? Sober Coachella, Todd.

I mean, I think I can do it. Could you, like, pre-workout?

Sure.

You could do pre-workout.

Would you be bummed out?

And I'll give you Coachella. Coachella, you get to drink. Oh, wow.

That's very generous. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, let's do it.

Todd's like, okay, in that case, I'm good, let's do it.

That bet wouldn't work because your videos would fall apart.

Todd, would you give up talking to any girl? Natalie came up to you and was like, and was like, hey Todd, I'm— I want to marry you, I want to be with you forever, but you have to agree to me right now tonight that you will never speak to another girl, and it's just going to be me and you for the rest of our lives.

It sounds like a psychotic—

what would you say if she said that? I mean, she said it in like a, like a lot nicer way, and like almost like a endearing way, like, I love you, but—

and I was like, yeah, he has to—

like, I was like, super into it. Well, no, I'm wondering if you'd be into it if it happened after this podcast.

Oh, you're saying like in reality?

Yeah, in reality. Natalie took you to the other room right now and was like, hey Todd, like, I know we joke around a lot, but I actually want you like really bad for the rest of my life.

Um, I want to say yes. Like, the really part of me wants to say yes, but I think I'd have to say no.

Part of me wants Yeah, just because I can't believe that this is even a part of you that would, that would go, yeah, I'm gonna throw it all away for Natalie right now.

Contrary to your own beliefs, I'm a really special woman.

I get that, but it's like, it's not like you guys have like shared that many intimate moments.

I mean, I think I'm in my, my prime right now, so I gotta give—

listen, do a scenario where someone like—

him? No, just me. Okay, I'm gonna go explore the world. Natalie, if someone came up to you and was like, listen, you cannot talk to another guy, you have to marry Jason Nash, and he's your only guy. That's the only person you could hook up with, anything you could do, but you get $3 million every 6 months.

Oh, every 6 months?

Every 6 months.

No. Whoa. Don't put me and Natalie together. We have like a—

well, first of all, Jason's like my dad.

Second of all, dad-daughter thing going on here, man.

Gross.

I'm like your daddy.

I'm just kidding. You literally said put me in a situation.

Yeah, I wanted you to see like Scarlett Johansson or Kate Upton.

Yeah, you'd fucking drop everything for those women.

Okay.

I'm seeing what Natalie would do to be with you. And obviously $6 million a year isn't cutting it.

So I don't feel like I personally need $6 million a year. Like, that's just like, I don't need that to be with somebody.

Sure, sure.

I'd rather just be with somebody in love and make a million dollars a year.

Oh, thank God. What?

$25,000 a year. Todd, are you ready to live off Natalie for the rest of your life?

Natalie and David?

I'm there. My 2020 horoscope says that I'm leaving David Dobrik LLC, so.

David, if you can get all your ad revenue back anybody in your vlog, a talk show, anything. What else do you want?

Is that pretty much it? Sure. Yeah, that's all I want.

Okay, but you have to marry me.

Oh shit, that's not that bad. Yeah, he didn't say you couldn't be with anybody else, you just had to marry him.

True. No, because— but, but that would also mean that I'd be in like a relationship with Todd where like Todd would come home drunk and like, and like he'd just like unleash on me.

Where are you? Let's keep going out, Todd. It's 7 in the morning.

I want to fuck you. Yeah, no, this was just for some money in the late night show. Please don't fuck me. I'm gonna fuck you.

Emotional and physical roller coaster.

Yeah, it's just like, fuck it, I don't want— you know, knowing Todd, he'll be talking to other girls and that'll make me upset. And what good is a late night show when my boyfriend is, uh, talking to other women?

Oh, come on, no one said he was gonna cheat on you. He'd be faithful to you. Right now, someone comes to you and says, David, I have Natalie Portman in the car.

Okay, this is great. I love this.

Hang on a second. In the car, she's in love with you. She's ready to go. You have to give your YouTube channel for— to Todd for one year. 100%.

He would? 100%. I wouldn't even think about it. Really? If Natalie Portman gave me a chance on a week-long vacation— yeah— for Todd to have my YouTube channel for an entire year, 100,000% yes.

I don't have to step it up, Todd.

If you could—

yeah, if you could get me a vacation with me and Natalie Portman for an entire week, my YouTube channel is all yours and I will let you do whatever you want with it. Oh my God, I would want to do that, but that's a lot of pressure, Natalie. But Natalie Portman has to be like down, right?

She has— sure, she's into you.

Yeah, like she, she can't just be like, okay, I'll do it for your YouTube channel and then I'm out. Like she has to be open-minded about it.

Natalie, Shawn Mendes walks in right now and he says, I want you to leave David Dobrik LLC to come sing backup on tour with me.

Oh my God. Hands down, I'm walking out that fucking door.

You would leave to sing backup with Shawn Mendes?

You traitor.

Oh my God.

Crazy. Wow. I didn't think she'd stab me in the back so quickly. I thought she'd think—

Well, that's what Sagittarius is.

Are they? Sagittarius? No, the best dinosaur. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stegosauruses are always so moody.

What is your horoscope?

They're the worst sign.

You're a Sagittarius.

Sagittarius.

She's a Sag.

Sagittarius.

What did I say?

Sagittarius.

Sagittarius. Sagittarius. The other day you were telling me that you think your son is on drugs.

Well, I mean, he's not, but I had that moment where I was like, oh, am I the idiot dad that like doesn't know that his kid's on drugs?

Yeah, your son's what, 13?

Yeah, it's very scary.

And what did he do? You told me this is really weird.

He writes like a lot of theories. On paper that are like hard to decipher. And I don't know if it's because he's like smart or honestly stupid.

Like, like, did Iron Man actually die in Avengers? Or like other kinds of theories?

That's in your diary. These are like scientific theories, like, uh, like about black holes.

And, uh, do you think he's a genius?

No, I'm not. I would never say that my son is a genius.

I'd never say my son is intellectual.

Smarter than you. Okay, but we don't have to get into this. Um, no, but then he doesn't sleep at night. Sure. So then at 3:30 in the morning, he walked up to my mother, who was sleeping on the couch because she's staying with us, and he went, "Good night, Grammy," like that. And he woke her up. She was like, "Ah!" Like that. And it was just like a weird thing to do.

So he went up there and said, "Good night, Grammy," as she was sleeping?

Yeah. And my mother was freaked the fuck out.

What did he say? What was his explanation for that?

Well, I asked him. I go, "What were you doing last night at 3:30 in the morning? You woke Grammy up to tell her good night." And he's like, "No, I always say good night to her." and she doesn't respond. But last night she heard me.

Oh my God.

And I was like, okay, isn't that weird?

That is kind of scary.

Yeah, it's so creepy, right, to have somebody come up in your ear?

I'm always taking out the dead bodies at 3:30 in the morning. This time Grammy saw them.

That's what we all thought.

She's next.

I was like, is he on drugs? Yeah, he's not.

He's fine.

Okay. I mean, I don't think— yeah, I mean, I don't know where he would get the drugs.

What would you do if you found out that your kids are doing drugs? How do you— how do you deal?

Take them away. Give them to Todd. No, I don't know.

From the top? No. How do you address it? Like, do you play cool parent and like, hey man, do what you want to do, but like, this isn't a good idea? Or do you go like, you're grounded? Have you ever grounded your kids?

I would never ground my kids.

Why?

I think it's so stupid. Literally the dumbest thing in the world to ground your kids.

Why do you think it's dumb?

Why would you need to ground your kids?

To discipline them, because they're—

what are you talking about? Discipline for what?

They don't do anything wrong. I mean, look, if I had like a problem kid, yeah, I'd lock them away, but I can't even fathom that concept because my kids are so perfect. What about Wyatt? Got his report card last night. We opened it up on camera.

How many B's?

Motherfucker. This motherfucker got an A. All A's. Not only this semester, but for the entire year.

All A's.

All A's. Every quarter.

Just talk to him about going out more.

Sounds like a loser.

Whatever, Natalie, you got all A's. She's like, and I partied my fucking ass off as well. Did you party a lot in high school?

Yeah, all the time. She'd never invite me to them too. And she was my next door neighbor. It's the craziest thing. It really is.

I would literally walk past David's sliding glass door as I was leaving to, like, some sick party and be like, "Bye, Dave.

See you tomorrow." I'd be like cleaning my bike for the biker gang to, like, go out and patrol the town. Like, I'd have a BMX bike and we thought we were BMXers, but all we could do is, like, lift our front tire up. And Natalie would be like, you know, she'd have her, like, purse, which was like a big deal. If a girl has her purse on in, like, high school, it's like shit's going down. Yeah. Like, what's in there? Cigarettes?

Like, what? Yeah.

What does she need a purse for? So yeah, I would always see her like going to her car, and she had a car at the time because she was a spoiled brat.

Um, and, um, in your eyes, was that like really cool, or was it like, yeah, it's just a Civic?

No, it was a very nice car.

Yeah, yeah. Table's turned, bitch. You're the one going to the party, so I'm saying, dog, right on. Yeah, now you're—

now I'm going to the mad parties.

No, it's more like David's going to the mad parties and he's— and Natalie's like, I'm gonna stay in. He's like, please, Natalie, please come with me, please come out. That's what it's like.

No, but yeah, I never— and I never get invited to the parties. What would you say to that, that you'd never invite me to the parties?

Well, I always would invite him to the parties.

That's what she says all the time. She says I would always invite him to the parties, and that's not true at all.

To the bottom of this, well, I can tell you exactly.

I already know the answer to this. I would always invite David, but David, as he does now, travels with the whole group of people. He can't do anything by himself. So David would be invited to the party, so maybe John Castro wouldn't be invited to the party.

I was cool enough to make it to the parties, but all of a sudden my Filipino friend John was booted off the list, and I love John, and I can't go if John doesn't go, I don't go. 100%.

Okay, fine. See you, David.

See you later, I guess. With these older kids, there were kids in our grade like Natalie would hang out with. Natalie would like hang out with like the popular kids. Really? Yeah, for sure.

Oh my God, this is so funny. This blows my mind to think of you as not cool.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, that's why I have like a— that's why I feel like I have a very different perspective on David in comparison to everybody else here that like met him here and does things here.

Sure.

Well, listen, sometimes I look at you when you're driving and you're like on the phone with people, and I always think of you as this like really cool guy that has everything. And then there's moments where I can drop in and I'm like, oh, this guy's a fucking dork. And I'm like, oh, I see. I can see what you mean, Natalie. That's really interesting because I can see it.

That's—

yeah, I can see the dorky you sometimes. That probably made you who you are.

Maybe stronger. Yeah. Yeah. Natalie bullying me in high school is kind of what started my whole Vine career.

What did she do to you?

I encouraged him. I picked him up and I got him onto the Vine platform.

Thank you very much. Wait a minute, you got him on Vine? No way.

Yeah, we've talked about this. Natalie was the first person who had Vine in our school.

Are your Vines in your phone?

No way. No, I have had like 8 different phones since then.

You have your Vines?

Okay, show off. Low-key flex over here. I have had like 8 different phones since then. Also, I picked up all the phones in my Honda Accord when I was 16 with the hottest boys in school. We get it. You had a better life growing up.

Wow. Yeah. So anyways, Wyatt's a genius.

And but anyways, Jason's son is on crack. Yeah.

And then my daughter last night—

what's your daughter crying? Oh my God.

You got a divorce. Is tearing her up, David.

It happened 13 years ago.

Then I come over here and I start to, like, tell these guys about how I was dealing with my daughter upset about the divorce. And now she was crying. What's the big deal? Like, my parents got divorced. I didn't care.

She's crying about the divorce.

She's just crying about being brought between different families and She's got to go with one side and then the other side.

When that happens, do you tell her that Daddy loves you more than Mommy?

I took a really fabulous vacation last week.

Oh yeah, yeah, you're gone forever.

How was your 3-week vacation?

How was it?

It was great. Most of the vacations that I go on, I always am like super anal about planning activities like every day and like making sure there's something to do. But this vacation, I didn't plan anything.

I, I—

that's great.

I was on the phone with David Christmas Day for 6 hours in Boston working on his vlog. But I'm glad you had fun and you didn't plan anything.

Yeah, what do you—

left things open.

What do you do on vacation?

It was so nice. Like, you just wake up, you go down to the beach, you walk the beach.

Then what?

Tell David. Oh, I love this. Tell David what you're doing.

You're just on the beach, that's it? That's all you're doing is you're just on the beach?

I'm on the beach, like, I'm with my sisters and with my family, just talking, hanging out, having some drinks, eating some really good food. Like, it just—

it's—

it, it was like so refreshing because of the chaos that we have constantly to just literally do absolutely nothing. You, you do— you have some days where you do absolutely nothing all day long.

Yeah, I'll beach and go to Mexico for 8 weeks.

Yeah, because you're—

you have some days where you take 4-hour naps. Yes, it's a lot different than, uh, Cabo.

Why wouldn't you want to do it?

Because it's so long. It's like, you have to— the fact that I have to fly to Cabo to relax is already like— my flight is already like 4 hours.

Wow, that's so interesting because like once you get to Cabo, that allows you to really let go. I had a really hard time letting go when I, when I left here. Because you're right, our life is so chaotic.

And when I got home, I was like, chaotic?

What are you saying?

It's pretty chill. I don't know. People always come up to me, they're like, you have like the craziest life. It's like, yes and no.

Like, just because there's periods of downtime in between the craziness doesn't mean like— just because it's 100% not just craziness at all times.

I have two kids and that crazy life. So yes, it's a crazy life.

I always thought about this. Like, we have friends here that are like— well, not we have friends here, we have friends everywhere, right? That have been like born into money and that don't have to work at all ever. And like, I always thought, like, when I first moved out here, I was like, that is like the fucking coolest thing, right? Like, you just have all this money. You can literally do whatever you want. You could go on any trip, you could see any place, buy whatever you want. But then like, when you give it some thought, people always used to tell me, they're like, you don't want that. That's not— you don't want that. And I was like, no, you're an idiot. Like, right, of course I'd want that. But then you like, think about it and it's like, that sounds horrible, you know what I mean? To have everything from like the beginning. Of your life, even having to live up to what your parents did already feels like such a headache. And like the comparison I always use is like, have you ever played a video game?

Of course.

There's a game called Grand Theft Auto. And basically when you beat it, you're given everything in the game. They give you like millions of dollars. They give you the cars, they give you— they give you everything. You have everything. And it's the best fucking thing ever. You've beaten this game and now you have access to everything in the game. Oh, wow. But it's only fun for about an hour and a half, and then you go, this fucking sucks. I literally don't have anything. There's no challenges, there's no missions. Like, nothing's left. Like, there's— you literally have no purpose. And that's like, that's what it feels like to me. Like, when I think about people that have money early, like, they don't have— they don't have like that sensation of like making it and like, you know, figuring out the value of a dollar, like, for themselves.

Yeah, well, they do have it. They can make it on.

And that's what that's like. Yeah. You're not completely fucked if you're born into money. Right. You could do so much with it. You could help so many people. But, um, that's just what I imagine, like, Natalie pacing on the beach is like. It's like when you're born into money, you're just like, what the fuck do I do? Like, what do I do next? What do I do now?

Yeah, but there's also like, if you're born into a certain situation, you don't know the other situation, right?

Like, you don't know what it— we know somebody who has a lot of money and, uh, he's a kid like your age and he says his dad's like, I don't know, he's pretty nice about everything. Yeah, supportive and stuff.

I mean, you have to be because you're a dad, but I feel like deep down there's always that, like, you ever known any, like, like rich people that are like rotten, rotten, like rotten parents?

I have a friend that I grew up with and her dad was a big Wall Street guy. Yeah. And they had a shit ton of money. And we were hiking a mountain one time and she's super, super wealthy, very privileged. I was hiking at the very end with her and the rest of the group was very far up ahead because she was just taking her time. And as her friend, I wanted to take my time with her. And by the end she was just like saying the most absurd things. She was like, I'm gonna call my dad and he's gonna get helicopter and he's gonna— we're gonna meet up here. I'm not coming down this fucking mountain, like all this shit. And I was like, who are you?

I was like, David, sounds like me.

I'm gonna call Sikhi and get the helicopter here.

Okay guys, so it's 2020, there's a new year upon us. Let's all dive into what our horoscopes are going to be for 2020 and how the year is going to treat us. Um, so for Leos in 2020, it says you love basking in attention, so it's only fitting that your ruler is the ego-boosting Sun.

Oh God, that's good.

Your mood is outgoing and playful, and you crave strong reactions to your antics. For the next 4 weeks, you're the life of the party, and you add the color and drama that's been missing from your loved ones' lives.

For the next 4 weeks? Mm-hmm. Such bullshit, because it's fucking the same thing for everybody.

All right, guys, that's all the time we have on the podcast.

It doesn't make sense.

Cut it short. Someone's being a party pooper. I'm very sorry for our friend here.

You could literally— any horoscope, you could be like, yep, that's me.

Yep, that's me.

Well, it's also every horoscope sounds like this. You have two eyes and one nose. And this month— that's me!

And I have two eyes.

And this month you will smell a whole bunch of new stuff.

I smell stuff all the time.

Yes, that's you.

I smell stuff this morning.

Guess what? What? This month you may be a little bit sad, but by the end of it you'll be happier.

Hey, sometimes I do get sad and then I always come out of it.

Okay, well, there's some— like, some websites are just a rip-off, but there are some— there is, there is No, there's not. Stop talking. There is science behind— there's a reason why we're on this planet and why the planets are revolving the way they are and the stars are where they are and things are happening in the way that they are. There isn't just like happenstance coincidence. Like, things happen for a fucking reason.

Sure. And I don't— but I don't think a horoscope is it.

I don't— I don't— I think what you're reading online might not be it, but there is—

are you telling me I'm not on a valid horoscope website? That there's like a trusted horoscope website?

There is a science to it.

There 100% is a Guys, this morning I was out in my backyard and, um, this has to do with your horoscope because if it doesn't, I don't want to talk about it. An egg came down and it crashed into the backyard, and I went over, I ran about 300 yards, and when I opened up the egg, there was a small baby inside. Oh, shut up. The baby came out of the egg and he lifted up a tractor. That I had there. I have the baby.

Is this the plot of Superman?

Yeah, yeah. I have the baby at my house right now. I don't know what the fuck to do with this baby.

And this baby just has— he's so strong.

Okay. And like, he's already broken everything in my house. Probably like 6 months. He's really cute, don't get me wrong.

And I like understand English.

Uh, no, he's a baby, but he's fucking strong, baby.

Left him in your house alone?

Look at my 4 fingers, they're broken. He grabbed my hand, he crippled my hand. And I don't know what to do.

Do you start talking to him?

Yeah. Can you please come over and say something to him? I just don't know. Should I call the police or—

No, no, we gotta keep this guy. Keep him. Can he fly?

Yeah. What? He flies a shit ton. He flies everywhere, just like around the house. I haven't— I actually threw him off the balcony and, um, he didn't fly so good. He landed like flat on his face, but he's so strong, he was fine.

You know, I never thought I'd say this, I actually like talking about horoscopes more.

I just wanted to stop you guys fighting because when you guys fight It's like when my parents used to fight.

I don't—

not fighting.

No, I know you're not fighting, but okay, I just wanted to get the attention on me for a second. Here's the other thing that goes on with this group is these guys have all these friends and I can't keep track of these motherfuckers. It's— they're all just rich white kids and I— and they're in their 20s and they show up in different fancy cars. And then I have to go like, who's Chris? And David's like, you've met Chris, you've met him 10 fucking times. We went to his mansion in the hills.

And I'm like, huh? All right guys, well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you everybody for joining us. Go check out Todd's new book, go check out Natalie's posts on Instagram, uh, and go check out, uh, Jason's stuff that he does and get the new merch. You'll get the new merch. We'll see you guys later. This is the Views Podcast. My name is Jeff.

Uh, bye.