Thank You Kim Kardashian

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason's mom is in the audience today. Jason's mom, let me hear you say woo! That was Jason's mom, guys.

There's no other— no one else here. There's no audience.

Well, yeah, it's just Jason's mom here on the couch in a clickbait blanket. Just want to make— I just want to let everybody at home know, don't make any jokes about his mom passing away because she's right here, very close.

And you're the only one who makes those jokes.

Oh, it was me? Okay.

We rode by a funeral, uh, we rode by a a freaking cemetery the other day. She wasn't even in the car and you made that joke.

What did I say?

You said, oh, there's Jason's mom.

Oh shit, yeah. Don't say it in front of her. I rolled intro music. All right, what's up guys? Welcome back to another Views podcast. I'm David. I'm 22.

I'm Jason.

Super—

I'm 22.

No, you're— you're 45.

Sometimes I forget.

You're 45. Jason's my Mom is actually in fact sitting right next to us. Very lovely woman.

Um, Jesus out of her today.

Yeah, we scared the crap out of her. It's kind of— you know what's ironic?

What?

I didn't see a lot of your mom when I was in a relationship. Now that I'm single, I see a lot of her around, and I don't know if it's— I don't know if it's—

is there something between you guys?

You know what, I'm the wrong person to ask. Your mom seems like she's pretending to be asleep right now. I don't know what she's doing.

When you were making this joke earlier, she just said, "Ew, gross." And I've never heard her say, "Ew, gross," in my life. She's pretty pleasant about everything that comes across her plate. But she truly, truly was disgusted with the idea of being your boyfriend.

Yeah, and then she called me a bitch, and then she swore me out. Don't you ever fucking say that about me. Could you imagine?

We saw your mom this weekend.

Yeah, my mom.

What'd you guys talk about?

My mom met John Stamos, and it made me really uncomfortable. Because she was obviously like glowing in front of John Stamos.

I missed the whole thing. What happened?

It was just weird.

I hated it. You got me in the Carmelita wig, and then John Stamos showed up, and then I felt like I couldn't interact with John because he was weirded out.

Yeah, so John Stamos came to our live show in Chicago. By the way, the tour's over, so we're not promoting that anymore. Thank the Lord, because all we would talk about is that stupid-ass tour that we had a lot of fun on. It was great. But yeah, John showed up at our Chicago show. And my mom was there. I would assume this is one of the first celebrities my parents have seen. So my mom was super excited. I've never seen her be on her best behavior as much as she was.

Did you grab her hand and kiss the fingers like how suave guys do? Do you do anything like that?

Jon's so fast, he probably did and I missed it.

Sure.

Yeah, he probably, yeah. I mean—

What did he say to her? I'm imagining her being like, oh, nice to meet you. Like just not being able to get words out. Is that what happened? No, she got her words out.

Words out, but it was just like, it was— you can obviously tell that she thought he was attractive, right? Which is like two attractive people, which is kind of scary. Yeah, do you know what I mean? Like, I guess it's fine for my parents.

Why is it scary?

Because it's just, it's my mom. Like, I don't want, I don't want to see that, right?

Yeah, I get it.

And I guess it's like, it's like, you know, like if I was my dad, I'd be like, oh, calm down, like, what are you doing? But like, but then again, my parents don't live in LA, so like that's not a normal thing, do you know what I mean? Like, if you live in the Midwest and like you freak out over a celebrity Like, that's totally normal. But if you live out here and like, you run into John Stamos and you're married and you start gushing over this guy in front of your husband, then your husband's like, what the fuck are you doing? Right, right, right. Like, it's a lot— it's a lot more acceptable to like, have like a hall pass per se in the Midwest because it's so much more rare.

When is John Stamos going to show up again?

Yeah.

At the Trader Joe's.

Yeah.

Yeah. He's just not going to show up in Vernon Hills.

Exactly. But here you see him all the time.

That's true.

John Stamos lives here. But yeah, my mom met John Stamos. It was great. It was very, really scary stuff.

What'd your dad say to him?

I don't know.

Stay away from her.

Stay away from her. I think he just beat his ass in the parking lot. No, Jon's so nice. He's the best. He's such a cool guy.

He's really great. We're very lucky to know him.

Yeah, we're definitely blessed. But yeah, what's been new with you, old guy?

Well, everything's really good. I was down at my parent-teacher conference tonight. I ran into a little kid, a fan of yours, and I thought it was so interesting.

How old was he?

He was younger than Wyatt. He was like probably 11. He was in 6th, Wyatt's in 7th.

Oh, okay.

And so Wyatt and his mom, we go into the library and they're like buying books and I completely checked out 'cause I was like, I hate books. Yeah. So then this kid comes up to me and he's been assigned to sit there and he was like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, David Dobrik! You're the David Dobrik guy, right? You do the videos with David! And I was like, hey, what's up? He's like, yo, My name's David. I like that. And I go, yo, call David up right now.

Call David up right now. We got some news for him.

And, and this kid was— what was funny about it is he was like so your fan because he swore like crazy. Wyatt's in 7th. I've never heard him swear once.

What did he say?

He's like, he's like, yo, your fucking videos are fucking bomb, dude.

In the middle of the school library.

He's in the library and his mom has forced him to be there on back-to-school night and stand there with a sign that says, "Please ask me for help." Oh, he's volunteering. He's volunteering, but he doesn't want to be there at all. He's like, "Yo, this shit sucks, yo." No, he didn't. Yeah, he's like, "Yo, I fucking hate being here right now.

I'd rather be a YouTuber and a fucking Tesla." You know how it is, old man, right?

That's exactly what he's like. And then he's like, "Yo, I watch David's videos." He's like, "And you know what, one time I got a spanking." That's what he said. He said, "What?" He goes, "My mom, she gave me a spanking for watching the videos once." Oh, really? Yeah, I was just thinking like, "Oh, this is your fan. This is like your fan base." Well, it's not though. No, I know.

We gotta stop saying that.

Why?

'Cause I feel like a lot of people at the—

Oh yeah, you're right. We do need to stop saying that. That's not what I meant. What I meant was like, it was just funny that like he loved your videos and he was swearing his ass off in a library.

No, a lot of people come up to us and they're like, "I feel so weird. I feel so weird.

I'm so, so old." And then we're like, they're like 25.

Yeah. And they're like 25. And we're like, you're literally the 10th person in a row to come up to us that's in their 20s.

Yeah.

Like, like if you came to our live shows, it was surprising. It was like the majority of the people were over 18 for sure. 100%. Like, yeah, the younger kids were the ones that were like the outcasts. Um, they're the younger kids are just more vocal, but there's definitely younger ones too. 100%. And I, and I get that. But yeah. And then what happened with the kid?

Nothing. He's like, yo, can I take a picture?

Have you, have you ran into other people? What's your worst encounter with a follower?

Um, just, just ones that, just people that walk up to like when I'm with you and they just go, I don't want a picture with you. And I'm like, okay.

Yeah, that happened on Hollywood Boulevard, right? What happened?

Or yesterday we were with Trisha and these girls walked up and they were like, hey. And I was like, what's up guys? And they walked right past me just to talk to you and Trisha.

Oh shit, I remember that. Yeah dude, that happens to me with Liza all the time. Every time I'm with Liza And the worst part, like, I'll be with Liza and I'll be like— and they'll be like, can we have a picture? And I'll be like— and I always say, this is the one thing I always say, it's like my method. I say, yeah, sure, let me take a picture of you guys. That's what I say. And I grab the phone and I offer to take the picture. And then sometimes they don't know who I am and they're like, OK, sure, thank you for taking the picture. But then a lot of the times they're like, ah, no, David, come on, get in this one too. Like they're doing me this big favor.

Yeah, they do that.

And I feel so vulnerable. Like, like I'm being like, you know, like, like they're giving me charity work. They're like, ah, fuck it, David, I'll take that. I'll take the hit for this one. Get in this picture.

I've seen that happen to you. I've seen people ask Liza for a picture and not you, and I'm like, oh wow, they don't know David. They really don't know me.

Well, Liza's in like a completely different world for sure. Yeah, but, um, yeah, that is, that is very, that is very funny. I don't know. Um, there's Hot Cheetos in my cabinet.

I saw them over there. I, I was so curious to open them. They seem to be the millennial dish of choice.

Yeah, 100%.

People love these Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

And have you— you can't have— do you eat Hot Cheetos?

Never had one. I'm afraid to try them.

You're an asshole. You've had Hot Cheetos.

Never had a Flamin' Hot Cheeto.

You've never had one?

No, because I like Cheetos.

Why do you make up stuff like this?

I don't need to make stuff up, David. I tell the truth.

You— you've never—

truth.

You've never had one Hot Cheeto?

No, I'm afraid to try them because— because Cheetos are so good, and then I didn't— just like, oh, that's just gonna be gross and it'll ruin regular Cheetos for me.

You're crazy.

Well, maybe they're great, but I don't need to take that risk at this point in my life.

95.

That's fine, I am 95.

I've never had a Hot Cheeto. I was— I was like, crack them open. No, I'm not gonna crack them open now. And you don't say crack them open. That's not what you—

well, what do you say?

You say—

you say what? What would you say? Bust them open?

Yeah.

You can't say crack them open? Don't you dare, because there's no actual crack happening.

Yeah, you gotta bust them open.

Well, I guess—

well, I say pop those suckers up. That's what I say.

Crack them open is great.

Yeah, well, whatever. Listen, we are at the podcast live show. I brought this up a couple shows. Do you ever go use the bathroom?

Yeah.

During a podcast live show? Not during a podcast live show, but like in public?

Sure.

And you gotta pee, right? So, I mean, that's why you're in the bathroom.

That's why you're there.

I'm so bad at storytelling. Anyway, this is probably only for the guys, but like you're done peeing and there's a little bit of pee left on your pants.

So like, you're like, fuck, like now I'm gonna go out into public. Everyone knows I just left the bathroom. They're gonna see the piss stain on my pants, right? And I can cover it up, but it's gonna be awkward because my hand's gonna be in a weird place, right?

You could dry it a little bit, but it's still gonna be something there. Yeah, yeah, it's still gonna be some wetness.

Yeah, everyone's gonna see. So, um, so what I do, and I think what everybody else does, is, um, is I, I open the door with one foot like I'm already ready to go.

Yeah.

And then I'm washing my hands And before I even like try to even remotely start drying my hands, I walk out the door and I start wiping my hands on my pants to show everybody that I'm— there was no paper towels left and I have to use my pants to dry my hands. So then when they see my pants, they're soaked in water and no one can tell the difference between the piss and the water.

That's psychotic.

And I'm like, you've never done that?

No, I don't have.

Jason's mom is laughing over here.

I guess my mom has done it. She's dying.

Jason's mom is like, Finally, someone. 74 years here and someone does the peeing thing.

But I also— why don't you just dry it? Why? Why? Because you've just created such a problem.

You know, this one kid, I was, I was in my sophomore year of high school and there was a 7th grader once that came. I was in the public bathroom and I was so fucking confused. This is a serious thing that happened. I was like at the park, like, you know how like they have like park bathrooms.

Yeah.

He came in. He locked himself into the bathroom with me and he started calling me a pussy, right? That's it. He's like, you're a pussy, bro. You're a pussy.

And you guys are locked in there.

Yeah. And he was standing in front of the door like he's about to kick my ass.

And what happened?

And he was like 5 years younger than me, I swear to God. And I was like looking at him, I was so fucking confused because I'm like, this is not how I imagined me getting my ass kicked. It was like, it was like this, like younger kid.

He was like 11, you were like 16.

I don't know. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, he was a very young— he was like, he was like this— he's such a young kid.

Were people tough in Vernon Hills?

Like a twerp. No, no, no, no, no.

But how'd you get out of there?

I just waited it out like till he got tired.

Bought him an Xbox?

It took like 45 seconds for him to like calm down. He was, he was like kidding, but it was like really weird. And so weird. And like, that's that. Yeah, that's where I—

I had a seminal moment the other day in the car where my kids are getting older and I realized this because— and I realized it through One of my jokes just bombed in the car.

What was your joke?

Well, I pick up Wyatt for jazz band at 6:20 in the morning. It's very early. And this is getting everyone very upset around town. Everybody in jazz band, all the parents are in an uproar. They're in outrage because it's so early. So now I'm carpooling kids because we're like, we're carpooling. Anyways, I picked up his friend Sean. And then I was like, so how do you guys like jazz band? And he goes, they're like, oh, it's pretty good. And then I go, I used to do, I did a lot of jazz. I used to be really, a big scat artist. Yeah, like that. And then I went—

was that the joke? I'm sorry.

Yeah, that was the joke. And then I went— and then I went like this. And then just dead silence.

I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.

Do you know what a scat artist is?

No.

Like scat. It's like jazz. You know what scat is?

I don't think your kids are getting old. I think you're just— you're just really old.

I think—

I think I don't think that was a moment for you where you realize your kids are getting older.

Yeah, because like, I know that joke would have gotten laughs a couple of years ago.

What?

Yeah, just being goofy.

That doesn't mean your kids are getting older. If anything, that means that they're— what? That's so bad.

That joke would have gotten laughs a couple of years ago. I'm telling you.

Oh, when your kids were 8, they would have laughed at that?

Yeah, the scat artist joke would have done great.

I don't know what the scat artist means.

I'm being— I'm being a guy that does scat.

And that's a lot for you because you made— You were an asshole to me earlier when I said a pun.

When was I an asshole?

I said a pun and you're like, I don't like those jokes at all.

You were making fun of me as one of the jokes that I liked. You said something to me about one of my jokes. What was it? You started in with me.

No.

And then I said, I made fun of you and Liza's pun jokes.

Yeah, you hate puns.

Yeah, I don't like puns that much.

What is with that?

I just don't think they're funny.

Jason, like, I knew Jason never liked puns, but today he like He like opened up to me. It was like, it was like a whole new level. I'm like, wait, Jason, you really don't like puns, right? And he's like, no, I don't like them at all. And I'm like, so when me and Liza used to do puns all the time, he's like, yeah, I fucking hated it.

I didn't say that.

Yeah, you're very close.

I fucking hated it. You were very close. I said, no, I never liked them.

Yeah.

I just don't like puns.

I don't know why.

Why do you like them?

Because they're just, they're fun. They're like, they're goofy. Everyone can understand them. I don't know. You just, you're such a sore little bitch sometimes.

Me? Yeah. Because I'm not laughing at your pun jokes? Go make your scat jokes, bro, to your I was trying to tell you a story where the joke bombed. I thought you would like that.

Sure, sure.

Sorry, I'll only tell you when my jokes kill.

Well, then we won't hear any stories from you. No, but what happened? Oh yeah, what happened this other day? I should say this. ZipRecruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. With their powerful matching technology, ZipRecruiter scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invite them to apply to your job. As the applications come in, ZipRecruiter analyzes each one and spotlights the top candidates so you never miss a great match. ZipRecruiter is also effective— is so effective that 80% of employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. That's amazing. With results like that, it's no wonder that ZipRecruiter is the highest-rated hiring site in America. And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address: ziprecruiter.com/ nash. That's ziprecruiter.com/nash, not Dobrik. I know that you guys feel like I'm probably the head of this podcast and you guys respect me a little bit more, but it is not that. It's ziprecruiter.com/nash. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. ZipRecruiter, we root for the underdog. Ziprecruiter.com/nash.

Maybe they feel like the unemployed segment of the audience is more like me so that those people would relate more to the ad.

No, I'm kidding. I don't— I'm actually glad that they gave you that they gave you that thing for your name. That's kind of cool.

It's— it— yeah, I wear it. I wear it as a badge.

You deserve it. Do you see that Kim Kardashian is looking for podcasts to listen to? No, literally, that's the only thing I've been thinking about this entire time.

Did you tweet ours?

A lot of people tweeted her our podcast, and I favorited a couple tweets, so maybe she would see it. And bro, from the beginning, from the moment we started this podcast, I'm like, okay, David, be on your best behavior. Kim Kardashian is listening to you right now. I don't know why, but I just assume that she's listening. So Kim Kardashian, if you're listening to this, is amazing. I've seen your work plenty of times. We love Yeezys. Have you seen Kim Kardashian's sex tape?

Yeah.

You have?

I have.

That's crazy.

Who hasn't?

I guess you're right.

Have you? It's the highest—

it's the highest viewed sex tape in the world, right?

I would say.

I think it's like over 100 million views.

I mean, celebrity sex tape?

Yeah.

Yeah, celebrity, sure.

That's amazing. I don't know. Remember when people didn't like that family? Like, they didn't like them, but I think they like—

they It broke through.

I think they broke— I think the family was just like— everyone was just like, wait, these guys, these guys are cool.

They did enough. Yeah, they did enough with their like style and fashion and stuff. I think that's why.

Oh, like they started—

she also did that really nice thing. She got that lady out of jail. Yeah, that was good work.

Yeah, I like Kim Kardashian.

I do too.

Thank you for listening, Kim.

I like Kim Kardashian. I watch the Kardashians. I do.

We just suck up to her for the next 30 minutes because we're so big-headed that we think she's listening. So yeah, Kim, I mean, I fucking love your siblings.

When I travel, I turn on the Kardashians and I like— on the plane.

I think we're good.

My favorite.

She's not listening.

Kim, I love you.

Um, no, but what happened the other day? I'm sorry that your mom is here and she has to hear this, um, but Trisha had sex with you while you were sleeping.

Oh great, way to bring this one up. It's in your vlog, we don't need to talk about it. I really—

I find this one so interesting.

No, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I was asleep. What do you want me to say?

I love it, I love it. It's the best part. You were sleeping and you woke up to a hand job.

I don't know. I don't know.

Listen, Kim's listening. Let's give her something good. She does— obviously she doesn't watch the vlogs, so, so let's have her— from now on, I want to start every podcast with, welcome back, Kim, because I just assume that she's, she's on the other end. I don't care about anybody else. Um, okay, yeah, tell Kim about the story about—

I mean, Kim, you know how it is. You're tired, you get home, and, you know, so You fell asleep? Yeah, I just fell asleep and then I woke up and, you know, that we were having sex. That was it. Yeah, yeah, it's not, it's not, it's not that crazy of a story.

Yeah, I feel like you're kind of covering it up with your mom's here, am I right?

I'd love to see you tell this story with your mom here.

Oh really?

Love it.

I've never been fucked while I've been asleep, so it'd be a little bit tough. I've never, I've never, I've never dated someone who has a Patreon and shows off their tits. This one's new to me. No, I think it's interesting. I think, I think your mom Your mom likes the story, right? She's— look, she's smiling. She's literally shaking her head. Yeah, I want to hear more. Just— how is it? How is it? It's been a couple months since you've been dating Trisha. Yeah, what is—

it's been more than a couple months.

It's been— yeah, it's been— it's been a while. Uh, Trisha is an ex-prostitute. Yeah. Now she has a Patreon where she shows off— where she sells her nudes, basically.

Yep.

Right.

She does well there.

You got to be so careful when saying what Trisha's profession is because You slip up with one word and Trisha gets mad.

You— because you say she's a porn star all the time. Those are the two words you don't want to slip up with. I know, but she doesn't do porn.

She doesn't do porn, but like, I don't know, when I think of naked stuff, I think of porn.

Um, I don't— when I think of porn, I think of sex on camera.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

You— would you ever do a sex tape?

No. Would you?

For how much money? How much money would it cost?

How much money?

Yeah, for you to release a sex tape.

It has to be at least $10 million.

$10 million? Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah. If I came to you right now and I give you $5 million in cash, you wouldn't do a sex tape?

No.

Really?

Probably not, just because I have kids and stuff.

I'd do it for $10 million cash.

Would you do it for $5 million?

I don't know, I have kids and stuff too. You just don't know about them.

Do it for $1 million?

$1 million?

Yeah.

No, I wouldn't.

You wouldn't do it for $1 million?

No.

I mean, you seem to think that it helps your career.

Well, hey Kim, so—

Oh wait, thank God Kim's here.

We could just ask her. Kim, you want to phone in right now? Here, I'm going to give you my number.

Kim from Calabasas here on the air.

I mean, I feel like that kind of stuff, like if your sex tape was to release, right? Yeah. People aren't going to be like, fuck you, Jason, for that. They're going to be like, that's cool.

No, they'll probably try to take my kids away and stuff.

Oh yeah, that's what'll happen.

Yeah, you're right.

You shouldn't even do it for $10 million.

You have kids? Well, maybe for $10 million.

Do you ever think about getting rid of your kids?

Um, no, I mean, I wouldn't do that.

No, no. How much to take your kids away for a year? You can't see your kids for a year?

No dollar amount.

No dollar amount? You have to be without your kids for an entire year?

I would, I would absolutely die inside. I would throw myself off a bridge. Really? Yeah.

But, but when they came back, it's like nothing's changed, like, to them?

No, to miss, to miss that year of their, like, development and growing, like I'm going to— I'm going to—

But Jason, to them when they come back, it's like they saw you yesterday. So they won't feel like it's been a year. But to you, you're not going to see them for a year.

No, I wouldn't be able to.

What?

For no amount of money. We're going away to Taranaki this weekend, and my buddy that's going with me is like, it's really expensive. And I was like, just go, because they're not going to be this age for much longer.

That's so sweet.

Like, they're literally on the border of turning into you, an asshole. You know what I mean?

Sure. That's going to suck when your kids—

I saw you with your mom and dad this weekend at the bar, and I was— baffled. Why baffled?

I was mean?

You, you weren't mean, but you weren't the best.

I was very sweet.

You weren't.

Wow.

You were standing there like a huffy teen.

I was worn out.

You were standing there like a huffy teen. They were— they brought their friends who were really cool, bro. So nice.

I'm telling you, my parents are still— my parents and I are still on the awkward stage.

So I was trying to tell your mom that your channel is doing great. We're having a little conversation. I said that he's been— had a great summer. His views are really up. She was like, oh, that— she's like, that's very good, that's nice. But she— and Not to make her sound like she's like off the boat, because she follows it. So we were having like, we were having like a learned conversation about it. Sure, she does follow you, and she's like, she keeps track of stuff, she watches all the videos.

Bro, you don't have to tell me, I know.

Okay. And so then, um, and then she's like started asking you questions, and you just sat there with your arms crossed. This is the question, like some teen, like you were like, oh, I don't know, I'm not sure, because this is the question they always ask me.

They want to come to LA and they want to The entire family of 17, they want to live in my house, and they want— my dad goes, can we use the Tesla? And they want to live in here. What?

My mom just went crazy when she heard that. What? She went, oh my God, wait, 17 people want to come live here? Yeah, for good?

Yeah. No, I'm kidding. No, but when they visit, when they visit, they come down here and they think I'm not working, so they think that like I have all this time just because they're living in the same house as me, and then it stresses me out so much because they're living in my house and they're like, let's go to breakfast. Like, I'm like, no, I can't, I never eat breakfast.

No, you can't do that. Yeah, no, you're not good with that.

That's what I'm saying. And then I get really stressed out.

That was the point, that was the conversation that was happening Saturday night. When are you coming to LA?

Yeah, they love asking me when they come to— my parents, my parents love asking me questions that like frustrate me. Like, they do that a lot. They like, they do it on purpose.

Really?

They're like me, cuz I do that to people too. Like, I ask questions just to get a rise out of people. And like, they do that too. I called my dad out on it the other day. I'm like, you do realize you ask these questions like just to piss me off. I think he realized that, because like, because I think he slowed down on like the— on like the— because like my parents and I would— every time I'd come visit, the first thing out of their mouths would be, why aren't you here longer? Why aren't you here longer? And it was like, it's— it was like, I'm telling you, for the first 2 hours I would be in my house, It'd be an argument about how much I could get done if I stayed an extra day.

Yeah.

Like, it's—

that's—

and then I'm like, I have to go now. I've been here for 2 hours. Like, I have to go now and shoot. Like, I have to go out. And then they're like, where are you going? You just got here. The entire argument is about how I'm not there long. And I'm like, if we just stopped arguing about this, then you had me for 2 hours.

Right.

Like, and I think we've like learned to like figure that out. I don't know. But my parents are fine, Kim. Everything's OK with my family. They are big fans of you. They did— they watch your stuff too. But yeah, anyway, it's all good. How's your dad?

My dad's great.

Who do— who'd you say— who'd you say is a better dad, you or your dad? Your mom's laughing. Shit, this is a tough one.

My dad was— you know what, my dad's a great guy.

He's a great guy.

My dad's a really funny guy. Like, when I would, um, when I would go out and meet his friends and stuff, people would be like, your dad's the best, the best. And I'd be like, really? Yeah. And like, your dad's so much fun and easygoing. And I'd be like, huh, not my experience.

You mean you guys like being hit by the belt? You mean, you mean you guys like getting screamed at?

No, he just had a tough, um, sure, I've buried all this— not buried it, but I've come to reckoning with all of this in my life. So I don't have any anger towards him or anything.

That's cool.

He just had a tough time. Yeah, he grew up in a— he grew up, uh, getting beat up on and stuff. No, he grew up in like gangs and stuff, you know, like a violent area.

I know how that is. I mean, I grew up, I grew up in Vernon Hills. It's like a really dangerous suburb, really dangerous suburb, 45 minutes away from Chicago in like a pretty nice town.

Did you have a fight? Did you ever have a fist fight?

I've ever gotten a fist fight?

Yeah.

I've honestly, I'll be honest with you, I mean, through all my years of high school, I don't think I was even like close to one. I don't think I even witnessed one. I don't know.

Really?

Yeah.

There was never a fight? No, seriously. Yeah, I was trying to figure this out today. I was walking around with Wyatt at parent-teacher and you were thinking about what parents you can kick their ass.

No, but I could probably take that guy's dad, right, Wyatt?

No, this is gonna sound like I'm bragging, but I— but he was like, he was like well-liked. Like everywhere I went, they're like, hey Wyatt, how's it going? What's going on?

What?

You know, like that. And I was trying to figure out if he's popular or if it's just that everyone's nice to each other now. Oh, you know what I mean? Sure, I couldn't tell.

One kid says, hey Wyatt, you pull them, you pull over the kid. Hey, what's your fucking deal? Is my son popular or are you just being a nice guy? Because I'm fucking sick of it. There's been 10, there's been 10 people that have said hi Wyatt. I want to know what's up.

I was totally on my phone today, um, while the teacher was talking and Wyatt kicked me.

Oh yeah, wow. Yeah, your parents, your kids are like good like that.

He's like, he's like, you have to pay attention.

Do you think— do you think— that's crazy. Parenting is tough. Kim has 2 kids, so she knows exactly how that is.

Kanye's listening.

No way.

That would be dumb.

You think they're in the car right now? It's Kim and Kanye and all the kids. Well, if the kids are listening, then we got to be quiet.

My mom's holding up 3 fingers. What's she trying to say?

Oh, they have 3 kids?

Isn't my mom good like that?

Yeah, your mom loves celebrities.

My favorite thing about my mother, I have to tell you, is the way that she integrates with all you guys. It delights me to no end. I came home tonight from parent-teacher, I keep saying parent-teacher, and she was like, she was like literally like one of the roommates. She was like, Scott and Todd were here with Heath. They went to the bar. They talked for a while. We were hanging out, you know, but they looked like they wanted to go potty, so I let them go. But I just, you know, I just love it. I can't tell if it's because she's so cool cool, or you guys are so cool. You guys are so nice to her.

Your mom— you know, your mom—

and my mom is so cool. Remember the night you took her over to the apartment and she just told you about how she found all that cocaine once?

Yeah, yeah, your mom's— your mom's crazy.

She's the best.

Speaking of cocaine, that's what happened— this was what happened the other day.

Oh yeah, yeah, that's great.

Jason, I did so much blow we couldn't— no, I'm kidding. No, no, that's not what happened. But this is what happened. Um, so we do this bit— actually, we've— we had this basically a similar story to this on the last podcast. I'm probably going to put this in the vlog because I thought it was really funny. But we have this bit that we do where we have like bricks of fake cocaine on our vlog. And I have like 7 bricks of cocaine in the back of my trunk right now because we just did a bit with all of it. And I had to take my car in to the shop because it was like busted. And my friend's dad, Jonah's dad, is a mechanic. So he took the car. He took the car for me. And I was in Chicago, and I get a call from Jonah like 2 days into being in the shop. And Jonah's like, "Dude, my dad just called me." Fucking freaking out. And Jonah's like, "He called me and he goes, 'Do you have any idea what your friends are doing?'" And Jonah's like, "No, no." "I need to talk to you. Your friends are drug smuggling." And he's like, "Your friends are drug trafficking." And Jonah's like— and Jonah, instead of going like, Oh, it's just a bit. It's just a bit. Jonah goes, oh my God. Jonah goes, I'll talk to you. I'll talk to you when you get home. And he's like, okay. So, so 2 days— no, actually, like a couple hours passed since then. I'm already home. I take my camera and I'm hiding like behind the car, and his dad, his dad, his dad takes Jonah to the trunk of my car and he opens it and he takes a brick of cocaine And he goes, do you know what this is? Do you see this? Do you see this? This is cocaine. Your friends are doing this. And then we go inside and we had this long conversation with his dad. And yeah, his dad straight up thought that it was real cocaine.

He had a gun on the table.

He had a gun on the table.

It was hilarious.

But then halfway through, he found out it was a joke. And it was all great. But he literally thought we were trafficking drugs. And this is the second time this month that someone thought we were trafficking drugs because we had fake cocaine in the back of our car.

Maybe get rid of the fake cocaine, the bricks of cocaine.

Yeah, it's mixed in with the real cocaine, so I don't know which one to get rid of. I don't want to get rid of both.

Remember today when you told my mom that Shawn Mendes died?

No, I want to keep that. I want to keep that a secret. Yeah, I— ah, fuck. Yeah, I can't. It'll be in the vlog because I thought it was so funny. Holy shit. I'll just say it. Who cares? We were in the car. We were in the— goddamn it. We were in the— I'll put this in the vlog, so if you guys see it in the vlog, just pretend like it's your first time. We were in the car and I go— I was trying— I'm trying to work on this project that I hate saying I can't talk about it, but I can't talk about it. It's not going too well. It's not— we haven't gotten it off the ground yet. You know, everything in LA is like a work in progress. It's like everything takes—

it gets so frustrating.

Everything takes 1,000 years.

David's career with YouTube is really great. He goes out, he shoots, he edits it, it's up, you know, in a few hours. Yeah. And then, but anytime he has a meeting with any company, any company.

I'm talking like, like me, any network, like NBC, CBS, Comedy Central, like all those big guys. Like, they'll be like, they'll be so down to work on a project with you, but it takes months. Yeah, because they cannot, they cannot just do something right away. They have to go through 30 people to approve one, one. It's ridiculous. Yeah, it's ridiculous. So anyway, so we had the show idea, um, everyone's digging the show, but we need a guest. We need a guest on the show. And I thought Shawn Mendes would be a great guest on the show, so we reached out to his team and they passed because Shawn's busy with the tour. And I'm in the car and I'm like, Jason's mom is sitting up front, Jason's sitting in the back, and I go, "Ah, God." Sorry, I didn't even say it like that. I'm like, "Jason, Shawn passed yesterday." Shawn Mendes passed. I'm like, "Shawn Mendes passed yesterday." And Jason's like, "Ah, man. I'm sorry." That's what he says. And Jason's mom goes, What? He what? You're kidding.

She loves Shawn Mendes. She loves Shawn Mendes.

Shawn Mendes is her fucking favorite. She's like, what are you saying? What do you mean? And at this point, I turned back. My camera wasn't running, and I was so pissed. So I turned my camera on, and I'm like, yeah, I just told Jason's mom. She just found out that Shawn passed.

So young, so talented.

And she's like, I just saw him yesterday on Carpool Karaoke. How did he die? And then I didn't even tell her. We just gave her some time, and then she goes, oh, passed on vlogging with you. Oh, okay. It was the funniest thing. Poor woman thought that Shawn Mendes passed away.

It's funny, she likes Shawn Mendes. I don't even know who Shawn Mendes is.

I love Shawn Mendes.

I mean, I like him, but I only— I just know like his hits.

I met him yesterday at, um, what do you say, at a party. He's a great guy.

He's a nice guy.

I don't know. I don't know if He used to follow me on Vine, so I don't know if he was referring to the stuff he watched on Vine or if he watched my stuff on YouTube. But no, but he's really, he's really sweet, and he's like super, like, super clean, you know what I mean? Like, everything's just— he's just a clean-cut, like, perfect, like, singer dude. That's awesome. Like, you know what I mean?

Why are you touching my leg? I'm sorry, while you're talking about sexy Shawn Mendes.

Um, no, guys, but The Jim Jefferies Show on Comedy Central. Covers the most controversial issues through Jim's distinctive brand of comedy and global point of view. The Jim Jefferies Show Podcast, on the other hand, is a slightly more podcasty version. Listen each week as Jim Jefferies and co-host Forest Shaw sit down with friends and guests to discuss news, politics, and all things Jim couldn't, wouldn't, and shouldn't say on TV. This weekly podcast features the Australian comedian's unapologetic and honest approach to the world, as well as tales of Jim's life on the road, all while giving forced an aneurysm. What's an aneurysm?

It's when your brain explodes.

Oh, that's what it is. Like, it's like a seizure, like a brain seizure almost. Yeah, like, like, yeah. Okay, I learned so much on this podcast. Subscribe now to the Jim Jefferies Show podcast and listen to new episodes every Wednesday in your favorite podcast app. It's amazing.

Check it out. I love Jim Jefferies.

Yeah, it sounds great.

He's great.

Do people read ads like this about us on their podcast?

I think so. David, I don't think anyone's paying ads.

We should fucking write like the most bullshit ad and send it out to like other podcasts and just use all our podcast money and just give it to other people. Should we just do it? Like, who cares?

I like my podcast money, actually.

You're 30%? Really? Listen, I'll give you $30 on the side. We should do it. All right, we should do it. Like, imagine if we're like on the Anna Faris podcast and like it's just like, just put David Dobrik.

What would the ad be?

It'd be like, David Dobrik, an intelligent intelligent, beautiful human being dissects the brain and the dangerous world of Jason Nash.

Oh, that's funny.

Who's torn apart limb by limb by everything in his life. Will he ever get it right? Find out soon, because it's crumbling. Something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people listening would be like, holy shit, that sounds like an incredible podcast. And then all of Kim's siblings would be listening.

Do you listen to podcasts?

I don't listen to podcasts.

You've never listened? You've never listened to one, I bet.

I've never even listened to ours.

You've never? Yes, you have.

No, I haven't. I've listened to segments of ours. I've never sat down and listened to our podcast.

You never put it on?

I'm not fucking crazy.

While you're having sex, you never put your podcast on?

No. Me and you prefer the Beatles. You always change the music when we hook up.

Yeah, you're right. Any more ads?

Huh?

Any more ads?

There's no more ads. That's it. Damn it.

What are we gonna do for the last 7 minutes?

Honestly, what's the point of even talking? Why don't we just read the ads?

I—

why don't we just read the ads and end it? Why do we fill it with gibberish, huh? It's like, it's like, what, what are we doing?

What are we doing?

We talk for 40 minutes, but the ads only take 3 minutes.

So people want more than 4.

Oh, I forgot there's people listen to this. Okay. Yeah, it's not just us coming to read ads. No, we're putting on a show for the people.

Where, where, where's, um, where would you like to travel once you— once they let you out of the country?

Uh, Paris.

Paris. Oh, really?

Yeah, it's my dream. It's my dream vacation.

Why do you want to go to Paris?

It's the most romantic city in the world. Oh, and I'm such a sucker for stuff like that.

Really? What do you imagine will happen there when you go to Paris? You think you'll meet somebody there?

I'm honestly— I'm— this is weird, but I imagine I get off the plane and on the ground I'm gonna see a snail. I don't know what it is, but there's something about a snail, like, and then like I look up and like, like my focus switches from the snail to the Eiffel Tower as if I'm shooting a movie. I don't know why.

And then if you're shooting a movie, and then I have spaghetti. Oh, I imagine a French New Wave film.

Yeah, I don't know.

And then you have spaghetti in Paris. Yeah, isn't that an Italian thing?

Yeah, but it's right next door.

Sure. Oh, you go over to Italy after?

Well, of course. I'm not going to stay in Paris for dinner.

Is that something that, like, you think about a lot?

Yeah, I think about Paris. Paris is like my dream place to go.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, right now it's Hawaii 'cause it's the only place I can go. But like, guys, the day you guys see me in Paris, I want you to put a picture of me in Paris on like on the Instagram. You know how people make edits? Have a picture of me in Paris and then be playing this audio over it. Ready? This is the audio. I made it, I'm in Paris, I'm in Paris. There, okay. Have that audio play when I finally arrive to Paris.

You're making your own edits now.

Yeah, where would you like to go?

I would love to go to, um—

you can travel anywhere, you don't have any restrictions.

I know, but I have my kids. I'm going to Greece in September.

That sucks.

Trisha asked me to go places all the time.

What are you gonna do in Greece?

I'm worried about it. Yeah, because I, I know we'll just—

you're really old—

sit around. I'm a great help.

Are you going to take your defibrillator with you?

Probably.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The hearing aid, your EpiPen, gotta have that inhaler.

I'm gonna stab you with my EpiPen. Make your forehead.

Or you give me a lot of energy and I'll kick your ass. Um, are you, are you getting scared that you're getting older?

No, not at all. I don't think— I never think about it.

Shouldn't be talking about getting older in front of your mom, huh? Oh crap. Oh good, she's asleep. Oh wait, is she asleep?

Hello?

Hello?

I can't believe we've kept her up this long.

I know, it's awful. It's 1 AM. It's— no, it's— yeah, it's 1:02 and his mom is watching, listening to this entire podcast. What do you think of the podcast so far?

It's great. We offered to take her home.

Speak louder.

I love it.

Do you actually like it?

It's really 402 because I'm still on—

Oh, she's saying it's still 402 because she's on Boston time. David, do you listen to the podcast ever? All the time. Really? She says all the time.

Can you start taking more care of my mother, please? Start thinking about her.

I think that's your job, Jason.

I can't. If we had done the podcast in the morning, she could be in bed already.

No, I love your mom.

I know you do.

All right guys, but that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thanks for watching, uh, thanks for listening, Kim. Um, hope this was a good one. I'm glad that you requested us. We'll be back for next week. Tweet us some podcast topics, we'll talk about a whole bunch of stuff. Um, guys, make sure to follow Jason on stuff, make sure to follow me on stuff. Just— you want to say something?

I, I love you guys.

If your kids are listening right now, what do you have to tell them?

Wyatt and Charlie, make a lot of money someday so I don't have to do this anymore.

Fuck yeah, you and me both. My kids are listening to this too. I hope, I hope we made it. I hope we're in Paris. I'm in Paris.

Yeah, sing the song. Sing us out.

My kids will, my kids will sing the song.

Your Paris edit song.

Bye, Luke.

Luke?

Yeah, that's what I'm—

Luke Dobrik.

That's what I'm gonna name my boy.

You're gonna name your kid Luke?

LD, Luke Dobrik.

Can't wait to make fun of your kid. Why?

Dude, his initials are LD for Luke Dobrik or long dick. Oh, I just— okay, fuck it. All right, we'll see you guys later. Bye, my name's Jeff.