Tattooing David On His Body

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I hang out kind of like a stepson-stepfather duo. Kind of.

But no one gets stuck in the washing machine, you know what I mean, man?

Jesus, bro, cool off the sex references.

Sorry, bro. You're the one that talks about jerking off fucking for 35% of every podcast.

All right, let's roll the intro music. Can I call you Jason?

You can play Jason. Yeah, go ahead.

Jason.

Yeah, I would love that. You can call me whatever you want.

So Jason, you think TikTok's gonna be— have you heard of the news that TikTok may be canceled?

I love the wind-up. My daughter is in flames about it. Yeah, yeah, I was working out the other day and I— my phone kept ringing. I thought somebody, you know, something was wrong. She's like, Daddy, Daddy, TikTok's being canceled! You know, like the lights got taken away for like an hour, so during that time she's like, it's happening! She's like, the likes are gone.

Wait, what got taken away?

Well, for maybe like a couple hours on Thursday, all the likes and page views got taken away on TikTok, on every— like, Charli D'Amelio's views were gone. Oh. And so she was like, it's happening. She's like, it's starting.

Oh, that's so funny.

Because the night before, the article came out that the US might shut it down. So yeah, her and her friend were like—

I just feel like they wouldn't, right? I feel like that's like a pretty tough thing to do. Not tough, but I feel like it's like a pretty— like, people are going to be outraged.

Yeah.

Like, it's— it's like, I know it sounds ridiculous, like talking about TikTok, but like, it is outrageous. What's the argument? Sorry, I don't understand it. That China's stealing our info? Because, okay, there was just an article that came out that Amazon employees— did you see that?

Yeah.

If you're an Amazon employee, you have to delete TikTok off your phone.

That was said to be false later, like a couple hours later after we all said that in the group chat. Oh, that's not true.

Okay, so that's Amazon employees because Because right when I got that article, this woman, this girl pulled up. She was like 20 years old. She's an Amazon delivery girl.

Yeah.

And I was like, do you hear you have to delete TikTok off your phone? And she goes, she goes, I love TikTok. And I go, I know. I'm not just fucking— just hide it. I probably scared her for the rest of the day spreading false information.

The article I just read just said that basically it's really about influence.

Oh, that's what I think it is.

It's just about, you know, controlling, sending out certain things that the United States government doesn't want. And it's actually really not about the data at all and that the data is really not that great.

That's great. That's the internet today, is, uh, everyone has power now, right? Like, there's no such thing as, like, the top 7% or the top 7 people in the world control the media. Like, it's not like that anymore. Like, even when people go like, are you not watching what the media shows you? I don't even know what they're talking about, because I mean, like, you mean my TikToks? Like, that's the only thing I consume is, like, TikToks. So it's like, not like I'm not watching NBC or anything. I'm on Twitter and I'm on TikTok.

It is pretty—

and those are both pretty— well, as far as I know, like uncontrollable things for like a government standpoint, right? And yeah, there are some of the things on TikTok are really not great.

Like what my kids consume.

What do they see?

Out and out lies.

Oh yeah.

Like my daughter will be like, is Howie Mandel okay? And I'm like, it's a fucking scam. He's okay.

I don't know, man. Yeah, bro, that's—

but there's a huge conspiracy going on that Howie Mandel is not okay.

Trust me, I know. I've been texting him like crazy. Yeah, there's a huge conspiracy going on.

I mean, I don't know. I hope he is.

I don't know what to think about it. I honestly, I would— I, I want to be honest with you.

Yeah.

Not returning any of my calls.

Really?

Yeah. And when I, when I call him, I just get a dial tone.

Really?

Yeah, man. I don't know what's going on. I'm part of the problem. I'm why the US wants to shut down TikTok, because I'm over here spreading this information. I don't know. I just think, I think it's I think it's just such a bizarre thing to like—

I think it's really about they fucked up his rally.

Oh yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, right. That's what they fucked up Trump's rally.

He's always had a bug up his ass about China anyway, so now he can easily just roll that into all the other bad things he said about China.

Has he said— who started this TikTok thing? Well, did Trump come out and tweet like, I'm gonna take down TikTok?

Pompeo came out and said he's looking into it.

Okay.

And, and, uh, and which is he's one of He's in Trump's cabinet. So yeah, I mean, they probably are fucking pissed. They're like, fuck TikTok. What are the steps to take down an app? Does Congress have to vote?

I have no idea. And does Charli D'Amelio get to say something on behalf of us? Like, is she— is she— is she just sitting in the court with her hand on the Bible? Have you been speaking to China? Charlie's like, I'm just here to dance. The sweetest girl under the most, like, scrutinized, like, interrogation setting ever. Because TikTok's being— Yeah, I don't know. I think it's— I think it's a— I think it's a very scary thing for— What will you do, dude? You know, you've really—

you've really taken to TikTok. That's like your thing.

I have really taken to it. And I'm going to shout out one of my favorite creators right now. His name is Max. His name is Max Taylor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You sent me him today. Yeah, I've seen him.

I think— I think he's really great. And he sent me this DM. Max, sorry, I'm reading your DM out loud, but I just thought it was really sweet. He said, hey dude, if it made me like really sad, he goes, hey dude, if this app gets shut down, I just wanted to take this opportunity to say thanks. You do anything that milk video a couple of months ago started a series of events that definitely changed my life for the better. Forever grateful, brother. That's the fucking— that was like the sweetest thing I've ever heard. And like, so sad. Like, this is like fucking—

this is livelihood.

Like, hey, man, I may not ever be able to talk to you again. Like, this is goodbye. Like, as if he's on a sinking ship, right? He's like, yeah, captain just said that we're going down. He's not.

He's funny. He'll be fine.

No, he's okay. First of all, you guys should go to check out Max Taylor on TikTok because I think he's— I think— forgive me if there's a lot more people, but he's in my top, top 3, top 3 of, like, favorite TikTokers.

I like Two-Turn Tony too.

No, I haven't, but I'll look into them. I love, like, I love going through TikTok. I love— oh, I love, like, like, little TikTok. I like Ben because he reminds me of Vine and he reminds me of, like, like, Nathan Fielder and, like, that type of humor. Um, but yeah, um, I hope TikTok doesn't get taken away. And if, if it does, go follow Max Taylor on Instagram.

I see people now on lives now just basically saying, like, guys, go over to my Instagram right now I think this thing is going down.

I know, bro.

It's really scary.

It's so scary.

Remember when Vine went down?

Yeah, you know, I don't remember when Vine went down, to be honest. What do you mean? What did you do? You were like a big Viner and you were old, so I felt like that could have been everything.

One of the most humiliating moments of my life.

Wait, really?

Yeah.

What was that like?

So humiliating. Like, I woke up, I hadn't met you yet. I was like, had no money, and Vine was like definitely declining. And then my movie came out. It didn't do well the first day. The same day my movie came out, it didn't do well. I woke up and Vine was gone. Oh no, they were like, they were basically like, get all your shit off Vine, download all your videos because you got about a week left or whatever. And I called a friend of ours and I was like, what the fuck? And he was like, yeah dude, we all knew this was coming.

Yeah.

And I was like, what do you mean?

So the same day your movie tanked is when they took away your livelihood? Yeah. You think that maybe you had something to do with them taking away the whole app because your movie sucked so much?

I never thought of that.

The production company was like, where did he come from?

Vine?

Okay, let's, let's strip the Trump shut it down. That could have been it. That could have been it. Yeah, no, all I remember is like, I don't remember it well. When, when Vine got taken away, it wasn't as big as it used to be, right? Like, Vine wasn't like— yeah, the problem with Vine, and that TikTok has fixed, is that Vine is— Vine got to the point where it became, it became YouTube. It became your top 40 creators are putting out like 70% of the content on the app. And that's what it was. And you were seeing the same content from the same type of creators that were huge. And they were— a lot of them were huge because they had a very, like, younger audience, um, that were watching them. And then the older audience hated it, and they kind of, like, turned against them. But what TikTok does is, like, you could still follow your favorite people, but my home— my home feed on TikTok is maybe 5% of people I know. And 95% of new people I've never seen.

Me too.

And that's why it's the fucking best, because a new person with a new joke can be heard and seen, and it's, it's always so fresh, bro. The fucking crazy— I'm on TikTok today. The best part about it is like the algorithm. The algorithm is crazy, right? Like, it's like it shows you the funniest videos and the best videos. And I think it's so wild. I was watching a TikTok where this guy bought a Jacuzzi for his balls. Have you seen that?

No.

You could get a Jacuzzi for your testicles. You dip your— you dip your— yeah, you dip your balls.

Does it look like a little Jacuzzi?

Yeah, it's a tiny Jacuzzi. You just dip your balls into it and like, and like it blows bubbles and stuff. And then I scroll and the next TikTok is this father who learned sign language for his daughter's wedding. And for the dance, he's doing the sign language like he's signing the song. Oh, and I'm fucking crying. Like, like that song. No, I don't know. Like 6 seconds after I was watching this guy put his balls in a jacuzzi, I'm over here crying at this, at this amazing, like, act from this father. And it's just like, that's why the app is so good. And that's what I've always tried to do with my videos, right? That's like always been like, like, like when I put together a video, I was like, I want you to be disgusted in the beginning of the video, and then I want you to feel something at the end of the video, right? Like, and TikTok does it fucking over and over again for fucking hours. It is so crazy, and the algorithm is so quick too. Like, sometimes— so sometimes I'll be like going through like videos, and I'll like a Call of Duty video. Like, once— one in every 10 videos, I'll get a video from Call of Duty, like people playing the video game, and I'll like it. And then I'll just keep scrolling, and I'll notice that more Call of Duty videos popped up just because I like this one. So now 4 out of 10 videos are Call of Duty videos, and I'm like, okay, this is too many for me. So the next Call of Duty videos I see, I swipe through really quick, and TikTok already is learning that I am over those videos.

Maybe you should speak in front of Congress and they don't see him again.

Yeah, guys, it has changed my life. And on behalf of me, Max Taylor, and Charli D'Amelio, I want it. Um, no, but I think, I think, I think it's such a— it's such an interesting thing. And also, like, it's just brought, like, a new level of, like, celebrity to the world. Like, I think it's— yeah, like, like, the, the, like, all, all those kids that live together and, like, like, there's, like, 5 different houses Yeah. And it's just, and it's the most entertaining thing to watch, whether if you're watching it because you hate them or you're watching it because you love them, you're, you're doing the same thing. You're just watching it because you enjoy it. Um, I went to the DMV. The woman there just sucks. The woman that was working there.

It's a tough job.

It's, I get it.

I mean, you're just dealing with every single person, but here it is.

Here it is. Like, this is, this is my, my whole philosophy on it. Yeah, I went on it. She— the second she found out I wasn't a citizen, she was pissed.

Oh, forget it.

She was like, I'm not fucking dealing with this shit.

Yeah.

She's like, what's your status? And I'm like, DACA. She's like, okay. She took a deep breath. She's like, and she's like, this is going to be a lot harder. And, and then, and then I was like, and then she needed like my work permit because like when you're DACA, you're basically not a— I mean, you're not a citizen, so you have to show them your work permit. And I just had copies of my work permit and I was like, can you just scan my phone. And this was after she's already been giving me so much attitude. Yeah. She's like, you need to come back a different day. I'm like, no, I just got here. Like, let's figure this out. And I was like, just scan, scan my phone. Like, you can scan it because there's literally— when in the emails they send you the barcode so you could scan it, right? And I was showing her, I was like, just scan this. She's like, I'm not scanning that. I'm not scanning your phone. And I'm like, can you just try? She's like, no. And I'm like, they do it at airports. And she's like, you're not at an airport, bro. She was so mean. And then like, my— and then And then like my car ride home, like, this is all I kept thinking about was like what I should have said. Oh, in that moment, like that was a perfect example. I don't usually do that, but this time I was like, you're not smart enough to work at an airport. No, no, no. Like, this is what I want to say. Like, if I could go back in that moment, I just would have been like, ma'am, and so polite, just like, you know, killing people with kindness is the best way to kill people. It's, yeah, like, hey, listen, I hate this place. You hate this place. Everybody here hates this place. Now you have the power to really make someone's day. You work in hell. Now imagine if you're like the little spark, the little spark of energy that's in hell, right? Where someone can go, I went to hell. It wasn't that bad. I met somebody, right? Like, I wish—

like, sounds like it would be in a movie.

She's like, she has the opportunity to really make people's days.

And she's in the—

and she— yeah. And she's in the best position to do so because everyone's expecting nothing of her, right? Because people, people at the DMV are so fucking— everyone's just pissed. Everyone's fucking pissed. And, and yeah, I just want to be like, just—

you didn't get your license?

No, I didn't get my license. And I want to be— I just wanted to be like, just, you can, you can literally make so many people's days if you're just nicer. Like, just nicer. And it's like this from the second I walked up, she was pissed. And then I told her I wasn't a citizen and then fucking All respect went out the window. She's like, I'm not fucking dealing with this immigrant.

You know, I have a question for you.

Yeah, hit me, bro.

You live— you live by this rule of deadass. Yeah, right. And you want to explain to everybody what it is?

If you say something and then you say deadass after, it means you got to follow through, right?

Or it also can be used as like, are you telling the truth?

Yeah, deadass. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, got it.

I think everybody knows. I think you're just a little older, but that's fine.

Okay.

I don't know why you have to bring up my age because it's obvious that you don't know because you're old.

No.

Well, because when you ask questions like, what's a cell phone? I have to go. It's probably because of your fucking age.

What is a cell phone?

It's this thing. Fuck it. Go.

What is— so I see written here in the house, rules of engagement for a deadass, right? What does that mean? As of 6/14/2020, a deadass cannot negatively impact a previously agreed-upon work or personal agreement solely for personal pleasure or release of anger/frustration.

Yeah, Natalie made a deadass saying, if you don't come on the hike with us, I'm deadass gonna use your credit card and buy everyone a trip to Hawaii. Ah. And that was like a really weird— that was a really weird way to use a deadass. So we made that rule where she can't use anything like that just because she was angry. And that, you know, that's going against our agreements.

Do you think that you maybe use deadass a little too much and take it a little too seriously?

Yeah, but I mean, it's only as serious as you make it, right? And it's like, that's—

do you think you'll be 50 using the word deadass? Yeah, of course you're gonna keep deadass the whole— your whole life.

Deadass, I'm gonna try. You don't— you don't have a word like deadass?

Uh, well, we used to say keep your word, or are you telling the truth?

Yeah, but, but you know, you know, you know what the problem with that is? Like, in school we used to do shit like swear to God, and then, and then some fucker would go, uh, I'm not— I'm not Christian. You'd be like, well, fuck you, go fuck yourself. Or like somebody would be like I swear to my mom, and then they'd be like, my mom's dead, and like some stupid shit like that. Like, right, that's why deadass is like— has nothing, no connection to it, right? Other than how powerful that word is itself. Like, there's no— it's not connected to some religion or a family member. It's just a strong word on its own, and that's why it's so important.

Have you ever lied on a deadass?

No.

Never? Never. Even if you were like involved in a prank and someone goes deadass? No, you've never— you've never lied on it?

No. If you— if you ask me if you're being pranked during a deadass, yeah, I'd either tell you to go fuck yourself or like, you'd know. What I would say is, dude, don't ask me that right now. That's what I'd say.

Okay, good to know.

Because I can't— I can't— no, I've never lied on a deadass. That's what, like, Zane— Zane sometimes will be like— Zane will be like, dude, you know, like, you know, the San Andreas Fault is about to, like, rupture. There's gonna be a huge earthquake in California. And I'll go deadass. And he'll go, dude, fuck you. Like, why can't you just go with it for a little bit? Like, it's not even fun anymore because that fucking word. So yeah, he's lied on Deadass once, so I don't— Jonah lied on Deadass once. Yeah, I no longer talk to him about that word. Once you— what, you get one strike and you're out if you lie on that word. It's fucking— like, I'm being honest, I, I'm being serious. Like, I know it sounds like a goof, but you gotta, you gotta, you gotta respect it at all times.

Got it. Deadass?

Yes.

Oh, how was your weekend in Chicago?

Oh my God, thank you for asking.

Tell me. You know, Charlie said, where's David? I go, he's in Chicago playing video games. She goes, oh, for a brand deal? And I go, no, just to play video games. Oh, that's embarrassing. Can't she just do that at home? Yeah, his friend's like, yeah, but they're all together playing video games. She's like, oh yeah, we—

my friends, my friends actually kind of surprised us with this. They put all the TVs downstairs in the living room Oh, wow. So there are 6 TVs down in the living room, and we each were manning one and where we were playing, and it was fucking horrible. It was the worst time ever. Why? Because when we play in separate houses, we can talk on the mics and we can hear each other. But when you're in person, there's a delay on the mic and you could hear the person in the same room. So you hear Mike go, he's on your left, he's on your left. Like, like you hear him twice and it's fucking real. It's the worst. Like, we couldn't play at all. And if you took the mics off, then you couldn't hear each other because we were just the right amount of distance where it was hard to hear each other, but like, but also like just the right amount of distance where it was annoying to hear each other. So yeah, it wasn't as fun, but it looked really cool and like it was the thought that counted. But yeah, it was nice being back home.

Food and stuff.

Oh my God.

Yeah, I heard you guys went nuts.

Every time I go there, I eat. I mean, I tell you, if you're on vacation, calories do not count, right?

Okay. 50-year-old mother from Wyoming. What did you get? You know, the food in Chicago is the best.

What did I get? I don't even remember what I got.

Don't even say Qdoba.

Oh, I got Famous Dave's. I definitely got—

did Taylor go with you?

Yeah, Taylor was there.

You took Taylor. Let me get this straight. You took your assistant Taylor to Chicago to play video game, to watch you play video games with your high school friends.

Okay. Yes.

Because I remember this conversation. I remember being like— I was like, He's like, should we bring Taylor? What should we do?

Okay, Taylor wanted to go, right? Right.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's a maniac.

Of course Taylor like really wanted to go and I was like, okay, I don't know if this is like crossing some work boundaries. So I like talked to Illya about it. I was like, I don't know if this is like the right thing to do.

Is that really what you said in your mature conversation?

Yeah, I told her, I told Taylor, I was like, Taylor, can you step out of my room? I'm having a mature conversation with Illya. No, I was just wondering, I was like, can she come with us on this thing? Like then, then she's just going to be like Yeah, cuz I, cuz I felt, I felt like it's gonna be like, it's July 4th, you should be like not working. But I'm like, if she comes, she's gonna be working and that's gonna suck. And you like that apparently.

Well, I would think you would know by now.

Well, no, I know, I know, but I'm just saying to the people listening, I don't think, I don't think people listening like work as much as you do.

It's whatever.

It's a very bizarre thing. Say what?

Find a job where you have fun.

So anyway, I brought her And we were— it was— I was there with my friend.

Taylor reminds me of that show Kimmy Schmidt. Like someone that was held captive for like 10 years and then came out.

She really is like that.

Yeah.

Sometimes it feels like I'm holding her captive and she has— and she has no— you know, she just likes me. What is that called? Like Stockholm syndrome? Yeah. Yeah.

Stockholm syndrome.

Yeah. It's like where she just, like, falls in love with her captor. It's kind of what I feel.

So scary. Please do not paint me like that.

No, I mean, Taylor, I know. I just don't know why.

The truth is, is you, you struck gold with Taylor. I almost called you Gayler. You struck gold with Taylor. She's like amazing.

No, Taylor is the best.

The fact that she wants to be with you in Chicago.

Yeah, play video games. She's the best. And dude, like, and when I, like, when I leave, she's like, like the one person I'm thinking about. You know why? Because she's taking the role on as my mother.

Oh, I know you were saying this in Utah. It was so funny. Taylor, he's like, I want to get back home. The Taylor can make me I could lie in bed.

That's what I did.

I hung out with his mom and like, okay, so I was— we were hanging out with my friends and Taylor was there and I told Taylor to go get us food.

Yeah.

And Taylor left and my friends were like, fucking so confused. They're like, dude, why? Like, why is she doing that? Why is she doing that for us? I was like, well, she's working. I was like, yeah, but like, we'll go get the food. Like, and every time I'd ask her to do something, like you would hear either John, Taylor, do you remember this?

100%, they'd be like, no, no, no, Taylor, you sit down, you sit down, you need a break.

Yeah, or like you'd hear like John laugh, like even when I ask her to do things now and like John's on my headset and we're playing video games, John laughs 'cause he cannot understand like that I have an assistant like working for me, and there was one time they were all trying to get her to drink, and I was like, no, she can't, she's on the job, shot. And like, Mike was like, come on, don't be a fucking pussy, Taylor, drink. And I'm like, I'm like, no, she can't. Taylor's like denying it, denying it. And like, Mike's like really trying to peer pressure her to take a shot.

Yeah.

Did you? I think later she took a shot.

No.

Did you drink later?

Not until, um, it was like 3:30 AM, and I made Ilya take a shot with me. Yeah, because we were done for the night.

Yeah, you did. But you know, how was that hotel we stayed at?

Oh, it was nice. Yeah.

Where'd you stay? The Where'd you stay?

Oh, it's not where we stay.

It's not where we stay. Yeah, that's not where I stay.

Oh, that's not where you guys—

No, the Hilton's actually a lot nicer, I think, than where I stay. Yeah, but I like where I stay.

Where do you stay?

I stay at the Holiday Inn.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's pretty great. And then Dave comes by in the caravan, picks me up in the morning to do the podcast, and it's a completely different Dave.

That's so funny.

Yeah, the car's always a mess.

Oh, you know what she did for one of the days?

What?

She hung out with my mom for 2 hours so my mom could teach her recipes that my mom would make.

Wow.

Yeah. So Taylor learned a new recipe that she can use here. And she learned how to perfect this, like, rice that my mom would make. And I've had it 6 days in a row now. It's fucking— I think I'm going to take Taylor back to Vern Hills more. I'm just going to have Taylor adopt my mom's accent. Like, Taylor, you need to start talking like her, okay? And learn Hungarian and Slovak, okay?

Stop it.

Stop it.

You know she listens to this podcast, right?

I know.

It's literally—

I literally just want her to turn into my mom. I think that's what's going on here.

Oh, great.

We were at like a friend's house in my hometown, a friend I don't really see that often, but his parents have Obama on their toilet paper and they've had it for like 4 years, like in one specific room, right? And I've always been like, hell yeah, they love Obama. And I just found out— I was talking to him and I was like, so how are your parents? And then he goes, you know, you know how they are, I was fucking Republicans. Like, he's like pissed at his parents, right? And I'm like, wait, what? And I'm like— and he's like— and he's like, yeah, you didn't notice the Obama toilet paper we had in one of the rooms? And I go, holy fuck, I've been looking at it completely wrong. I— because first of all, I haven't taken a poop there, so I haven't like actually wet my ass with it. Sure. So I haven't been like really putting it together. I've kind of just saw it as like a novelty. I'm like, oh, cool. Obama toilet paper. But, but these fuckers don't like Obama. Yeah, because, because I thought to myself, and I told my friend, I was like, told my friend, I was like, hey dude, like, I would put merch as toilet paper. Like, I put my face on toilet paper as merch. And he's like, yeah, but do you think the president would want that? And I go, holy shit, you're right. I, I cannot believe I was— I've been tricked into this.

I can't believe you're still holding on to their— they have enough Obama toilet paper left over that they're still using it.

Exactly.

That—

and yeah, it would have run out or just let it go.

That's what I'm saying. Like, where do they keep buying the Obama toilet paper? So maybe they don't use it because they just like it.

Is it soft?

I didn't— I've never used it. I don't know.

Interesting. Is it like— is it like a real picture of him, or is it like a cartoon, or—

it's a cartoon picture of him.

Oh my God.

But it's like, I don't know, I've like— I've seen Trump's face on it, and I never— for some reason, I still never thought— I thought that was like a— right, oh look, I have all the Trump memorabilia. I have a Trump action figure, Trump toilet paper. Like, I just didn't know that that was like a sign of— Goddamn, thank God I learned this now. Like, and, you know, someone like tries to sell me toilet paper with my face on it and I go, this is sick. Thank God I know that that's a no-go.

Try this out.

I show my mom magic tricks when we're back home. Yeah, bro, she was so— she was so pissed at me. She's like— she got like really serious. She's like, I'm your mother. I'm your mother. You can't tell me how that works. You can't show me how it works.

Did you tell your dad, Taylor, go put the card in the car?

No, no. I was just like guessing her card every time and my mom was getting really pissed. And then I had David Blaine FaceTime me and my hometown friends.

Yeah.

And he like ran through a trick and just fucking blew my hometown friends' minds.

Really?

Yeah. He was like, the trick was crazy, Jay. Crazy. And it's going to sound like I'm like, it's going to sound like I'm not setting it up properly, but he He told us to grab a deck, any deck we had in our house.

Yeah.

And he told me to not look at the deck, put 4 cards at the bottom, 3 cards at the top, 4 cards at the bottom. He kept like having me rearrange the deck. And then he had John pick a card. Then he had John pick 5 cards out of the deck. And then I had to hold the cards face down and John picked one of the 5 cards.

Yeah.

And then over FaceTime, David guessed the card that was in John's hand.

No fucking way.

We had no fucking idea, bro. They all lost their minds. They all lost their minds. It was crazy.

Wait, what's going on? What kind of diet's going on in this house?

I'm on a paleo diet.

Do you even know what a paleo diet is? Tell me, tell me in 5 words what—

5 words. Taylor and I don't tan. We're pale.

Yeah, we stay out of the sun.

That's what— we're on the paleo diet. We're paleo. Honestly, we're paleo as fuck.

If I was your dad, I'd tell you to go to your room.

Natalie's on some weird fucking diet.

Ilya taught Natalie and I started—

all Todd talks about is keto. Keto.

Jay, Jay, my dog, my dog. Natalie's on a seafood diet. She sees food and she eats it.

That's normally the kind of fucking diet, but the past 2 weeks, with the exception of Fourth of July, Saturday, Sunday, whatever, I have been on a keto diet. And it's like you, you eat no carbs, no sugars. Okay, I'm like, I am 8-carb for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

You know what's great about Natalie being on this diet is it's turned her into like It's gotten her really creative, and now she's making cakes out of like fucking keto cake.

Yeah, I made cakes. I've made dinners every single night.

She went into survival mode. She's like, how the fuck do I make a cake and still do what I got to do? It's like the best. It's like she's panicking.

Yeah, because you make it with almond flour or something, right?

Almond flour. And you can still have creams and stevia. I use stevia as sugar.

Yeah, so she can't have carbs, bottom line.

You should buy stevia.

No, it's sugar. I can't have sugar.

Oh, I'm not having sugar.

You should get my soda. My Zevia soda. Oh, so good. I bet it's on keto. Wait, wait, that's the soda I had you try.

You can't have sugar. I haven't been having sugar in 3 days. Did you see the board?

Okay, I know you want to keep making this about you, but other people in this house, including myself, have been making a lot more sacrifices than you have.

Okay, Natalie, I'm literally going keto. You're eating fucking cakes.

Wait, you just came out and declared you're done with keto?

Okay, because I'm so fucking over it.

How many days you do I've done it for like 8 days. Okay, that's pretty good. So, so over the Fourth of July, over the holiday, you did it? Okay, which is impressive.

Well, no, I took a break.

So not 8 days.

She's not—

so you did it for 2 days before Fourth of July and 2 days after?

I'm like, how long?

Explain to me how I'm not keto, please explain to me, because now it's pissing me off.

Okay, yeah, you've been eating rice.

You said no sugar, no big thing around rice.

No sugar, no carbs. What are you—

oh, I said no carbs and you went, no, it's no sugar. You meant to say no and no sugar?

Whatever.

Okay, there's carbs in rice, but it's so small. It's like so much smaller than—

no grains, no nothing, no beans, no—

that's a stupid diet. Obviously no one should be doing that.

But the reason why you do it is because once your body goes into ketosis, you're not having carbs. Once your body goes into ketosis, it starts, um, eating your fat cells for energy because you don't have carbs. Carbs is what you use for energy.

How long till you go to ketosis?

Well, it depends for each person. So for someone like me that has carbs every fucking second of every fucking day, it takes— clearly takes a long time.

Spiraling.

Mood swings.

Mood swings is another symptom.

Is ketosis like— is that like reaching nirvana of the diet world? Like, is that the same thing?

Kind of.

And do you wake up one day and you go, this is ketosis?

No, no, no. Like, you measure your blood sugar.

Oh, okay. So there's not a moment that flips in your body.

No, but like, people— there's like some serious— I mean, if you're like a 300-pound person and you do the keto diet— and I know I have a friend that has done this— you can lose like 100 pounds. Like, obviously I'm not in that boat.

That shit's so easy. You could just lose 100 pounds, just give up Starburst.

Well, no, it's like, it takes like a year.

I'm listening to what you're saying and it does make sense, because when I got really thin, that, that's definitely what happened. You started burning before I knew you, a long time ago, somewhere.

I lived Oh, bro, you know, Taylor and Joe surprised me with pillows. No, they surprised me with a pillow that's made in Singapore that I've been wanting for a while.

Yeah.

And I asked Taylor to order it, so I thought they just got me what I ordered. Like, I was just like, oh, so you got me the thing I ordered? Like, and they surprised me with it because that's such a Joe thing to do, like, to like wait outside and wait for the Amazon guy to come and then take it and surprise me with the thing I put in an order for. But it wasn't. They spent their own money on these pillows.

How much were the pillows?

$400 apiece, 2 pillows.

How good are they?

They're good. No, they're good. They're good.

They're good.

They're good.

What's so special about them?

I don't know. So my friend— I said cool. My friend Anton Zed, he's a big DJ, huge DJ. He travels the world, DJ, and he, and he's— and he has like a really good bed setup in his room. So he knows his bed, he knows his— like everything is custom. Him his bed frame, his mattress, the linens, everything. And he's like, the best pillows from all my traveling have been these pillows I found in Singapore. Here's the link. And I ordered them.

You sleep on them yet?

I have slept on— I put them between my legs. They're longer.

Okay, between your legs?

Yeah.

Why do you put them between your legs?

That's how— just how I sleep. Like, I have to cuddle something.

Sleep on yourself. So do you like your pillow firm or soft?

Yeah, I like it mushy.

Oh, okay.

I like it firm and mushy. Ilya just walked in here and he has— this is a thing you got to kind of see. It's like a visual gag.

Been waiting all night for this surprise.

We've been waiting for Ilya for like 3 hours for this surprise that he has. And the surprise is he tattooed my middle name, which I hate. It's Julian. And he tattooed it onto right under his belly button. It's not under the left.

It's like a tramp stamp on his, on his like groovy train to his balls and penis.

Yeah. Oh, what the fuck, bro?

It's great.

I'm being—

you're gonna love it in like 3 months.

I'm being deadass right now. I'm being deadass. I'm so upset with you.

Do you know?

So mad.

Oh, it's fine.

I feel like you're fucking small. It's so small, bro. Why is it right there, dude? That's such a weird spot. I consulted with Alice.

She said she loved it before I got it.

But you don't understand, dude.

I initially told you to get it in a different place.

Where?

No, we discussed the leg.

Yeah.

And then we discussed the back, and then I sent you this, and then you were at the tattooist and like, send me the photo.

I was like, should I do it there? You understand how that just looks so dumb?

You know when it would have been a good idea to do that? If David was dead.

Yes, bro, if I was dead.

That's such— that's insane. If David was dead, I'd get it too. Right there.

I was thinking of doing it closer, like down here. No, bro, you don't put it there.

Oh my God, it looks like your ex-lover.

People are gonna be crazy. You know, as a guy like, like a guy like me who's like, likes weird stupid extravagant shit because he's a YouTuber, like you think that I'd be like, that's the best tattoo ever. No, no, I was, I was expecting this reaction.

What are you talking about?

You expect— I wasn't expecting, dude, holy shit, that's so cool. Like, really? Yeah, because when Scott got hit my face tattoo on his arm, I was like, that's cool. Okay, well, that's different. You're in really good shape and you have a really nice body and you just fucked yourself. I did not fuck myself.

No, no, it's not that bad. Yeah, Julian, like, Jay, it kind of looks good.

Yeah, fuck you. Yes, it does, especially the name Julian. Yes, listen, that's the fucking game.

I'm gonna get the lie detector guy in here tomorrow. Is there something going on between the two of you?

Maybe you'll see tomorrow.

I'm busy tomorrow, actually. Yeah, we're going out of town.

Wouldn't you like to know? Okay, this is crazy. Really?

Yeah, that crazy.

It's really bizarre. No, I—

if you didn't tell me, like if I just met you on the street and you were at the beach, I'd be like, oh cool, cool tattoo. Who's Julian? Yeah, I'd be like, and what will you say?

I'd be like, it's my best friend. I just— oh, that's nice, but you're fucking here. No, I think, I think like I like the placement of your other tattoos other than that weird shark bite that you have around your knee, but like everything else makes sense. That's just such a— this makes total sense. Okay, timeout, timeout, timeout. Maybe I don't hate it. Are you gonna do the rest of your chest?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, then it's not just this, it's gonna be like something down here. It's gonna be like— oh, you're gonna be like fully tatted? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, then it's cool. Yeah, I thought that was like the only one. Okay, so your abs and like everything's gonna be tatted. Maybe not your rib cage.

Yes.

Yeah. Okay, it's not as weird.

I'm gonna say David and Dobrik, right, on both pecs.

Okay, it's not that weird. It's just weird because it's there now. What do you think about it?

I'm just— well, maybe you could have like called or texted before you went ahead and tatted your body permanently. But you want your name next?

Is that what you're saying?

No, no, no, no.

I'll get Noel on my face. Oh, Jesus.

Under my right eye. I come back tomorrow.

This is Natalie Noel. That's crazy.

Face tattoo.

Would you get my name tattooed on you? No.

That's what this is about. Really?

I think I'm saving my tattoos for, like, when someone dies. When you die, I will get— Okay. Actually, I don't think I'd get Ilya. Ilya is such a weird name.

I'll Betty, get ready. I-L-L-I-L-L-I-L. And then that just looks like Illinois.

Yeah, when people ask him like, that's where I'm from. Um, no, I would, but Ilya told me this yesterday. We got into an argument about it. Ilya said that in the future he thinks that there's going to be a machine where you can hop into it with like your significant other and it will tell you your percentage of compatibility. So he goes, so he goes, you can take a girl that you just met at a bar you both hop in the machine and it goes 75% compatible. Like, that's how, that's how successful of a relationship you're gonna have. He thinks that'll exist. Like, he thinks that there's gonna be a machine that will predict the success of your relationship and marriage accurately. Yeah, accurately. And he, and he was asking me, he's like, would I, would I use it? And I was like, fuck no, I'd never use it. And he goes, are you dumb? That's like the first thing I would hop into with any girl, right? And I think that's crazy.

So straight out of a Black Mirror episode.

Why would you do that is my question. Because I don't want to waste my time. Why would you not do that?

I agree with you.

What do you have to do? What are you talking about?

But you, you understand that like your own mind, your own brain is far more powerful than any piece of technology.

No, no, no, no, no. Let's put that aside. Put that aside. Put that aside. Pretend this can actually— pretend this can literally 100% tell you accurately what your relationship is going to be like with this person. If I was to hop into that machine with Liza, who I really liked who I really liked, period, and it said 2 years, I'd go, well, okay, hold on, right? 2 years? Um, no, I guess. Like, what the fuck? But no, those 2 years were the fucking best. That makes no sense. That machine is just flawed.

This is how I'm looking at it.

As I'm looking at it as the question is, are you going to be happy for those 15 years that you're with that person? And if you are, then great. Yeah, I'll I wouldn't hop in.

Oh wait, I agree with David. You're right, I wouldn't jump in.

Well, okay, of course you want to jump in, and the same person wouldn't jump.

You're right.

No, that's circumstantial, because you— if the machine tells you that it's a bad relationship, you know, and you shouldn't be in the relationship with this person, then it works to your advantage. In your case with Liza, it was a great relationship. Whatever.

You learn from it. You learn from bad relationships. 15 years of a relationship, you're about to get married to somebody. That's your fault that you're with somebody for 15 years if you don't like them year 3. That's your fault. It's not like you're a slave to this 15-year thing. Well, you kind of are. Some people are slaves to their own fucking marriage. Okay, that's, that's a completely different argument. I'm saying I would not want to know what my relationship is like, period. I can't believe you would want to know that. Imagine if you had all these ideas and you're a businessman. Imagine if every business idea you had, you can hop into a machine and it would tell you, it would tell you, will this be successful or not? It's not. It takes away, it takes away why love is love. It takes away the importance of like growing with somebody. It takes away what the, the, the most beautiful part of a successful business is. You fucking made it because you tried. Like trial and error.

It's not the destination, it's the journey, as my mom would say.

Such a— I can't believe, I can't believe you out of all people would hop into that machine. It makes no sense about a business.

I would never happen to, but it'll ever— whatever.

What about a woman? 100%. If I, if I knew, if I knew whether or not my marriage was last?

Fuck yeah.

Fuck, you sound like a lunatic. Oh, you're crazy. You're crazy. Go fuck off, Ilya.

What if I got—

I'm getting this fucking tattoo removed. Fuck you. I'll drive you.

Let's go.

All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Um, go follow Ilya, Natalie, Jason on their social medias.

Oh, that's the first time you've ever shouted me out in like anything.

All right, don't follow Natalie.

No one follows you off this podcast, Nat. Don't get excited.

All right, we'll see you guys later. This is the News Podcast. Man, ciao.