My Friend Almost Killed My Sister

What's up guys, welcome back to—

what's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason is me today.

I'm David today.

You're David?

Yeah.

All right, go do the intro.

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where I've got a million dollar mansion and Jason is a fucking douchebag.

Okay.

And Jason has never accomplished anything in his life and I've done more at the age of 21 than Jason will ever do before he dies. He'll probably die tomorrow because he is so Oh, did I tell you I have a $160,000 car and my life is fucking roses? Well, it is, and money is my middle name. That's right, I professionally changed it to David Money Dobrik. I have a $2.6 million house and tons of cool friends that have a lot of subscribers on YouTube, like Zane, Scott, Todd, Keith. Love me.

What's up guys, this is This is a podcast by David Dobrik and Jason Nash. I'm the younger one, Jason's the uglier one. Or sorry, older one. Today we're gonna—

Two insults.

Two insults. Boom, right off the start. Today we're gonna be talking about a bunch of things. You wanna start it off or should I start it off?

I'll let you go first.

You seem angry.

I am.

What happened?

I'm a little angry.

What happened?

I'm putting two children to bed, two of America's future upstairs. You're putting them to bed?

Your neighbor's kids are over?

Okay, you know what, you can say that. I'm an idiot, but those two kids are not idiots. They're quite talented. And David comes in and starts— I'm just gonna wake my kids if I really, really get mad, so you're gonna get the toned-down dad right now. David's just banging on the door. I'm fucking putting them to bed. Bro, what are you gonna— 'Cause you gotta go see Avengers?

You know why I was banging on the door?

Why?

Because I noticed you got new doors. Beautiful, by the way. But—

Thank you. I only get to see them 'Cause I don't, when I come over. I paid for them.

Did you pay for the doors?

No, I didn't pay for them.

What stressed me out about the doors is there's no window anymore, so I didn't know if my sound was getting over to the other side. So I banged extra hard 'cause they were new doors. And you weren't coming to the door, normally you answer the door so quickly, so I got worried, so I started banging louder. And then I called you.

Did you think I was dead?

I checked the window to see if it was open. I know it was only like 30 seconds, but I'm like, this fucking new door is stressing me out.

Well, I was, I had him, I'll set the guy— I said, David's here, David's here. Then Charlie said, you better go or else he's gonna yell at you.

That's what your daughter said? Yeah. Well done. And then they are smart, huh?

And I, I said to Wyatt, I go, here you go, uh, go, David's here, I gotta go. And he goes, uh, Daddy, uh, can you, can you tuck me in real quick? And so then I had to like tuck him in. And then, you know, and you're banging during those moments, it's very stressful. And the dog—

I've never been tucked in, explain that to me.

What do you mean? Oh Wow, that explains a lot. You've never been tucked in?

I was— no, your parents didn't tuck you in? I was raised by wolves. Wolves can't tuck.

No, I've met your parents. They're beautiful people.

No, I think— I'm sure they took me in at some point.

You just have no memory of it, you Jeffrey Dahmer-looking motherfucker.

Yeah, I forget everything that's special.

God damn it, what happened to you? Did you get hit by a bus when you were little?

No, when I was like 8.

You did get hit by a bus.

Yeah, but I was a lot older than you think.

We were a lot older than I think?

Yeah, you probably thought I got hit by a bus when I was a lot younger. I was 8.

No, 8 sounds about That seems to be where your maturity level cuts off.

Yeah, well, I got hit by a bus when I say, um, guess what I did last night? You won't fucking guess. I bet you, because what am I doing today?

You're going to see the Avengers.

Okay, do me a favor and guess what I did last night.

Saw the Avengers?

Yeah.

You're not going back.

No. Guess what fucking happened, bro? Can we not whisper? It's stressing me out.

No, you can talk in a normal voice.

Okay, so you know what happened? So today I'm seeing Avengers.

Yeah.

And last night At 11 o'clock, yeah, I cut off my entire day. I'm like, I'm not filming, I'm gonna go see Avengers because I love movies, guys. I love movies.

Sure.

So I get to the theater. Yeah, it's 11:20. I put my order in for food.

Yeah.

And the fucking— this is an expensive movie theater, right? It's—

I pick. So Westwood?

Yeah, no, Pasadena.

Got it.

So it's $50 for 2 tickets. 50 bucks.

Okay.

To take, to take someone with you. Okay. So it's me and Liza and Scott and Kristen, and, and we're, we're sitting, the trailer's on Yeah, and the screen's a little blurry, so I go up to the manager. I'm like, the screen's blurry.

Yeah, I know how much you wanted this, so this is a good story.

And, and right before—

you've been talking about it—

right before we got in the car to go to the movie, um, Scott gets in the car and he goes, I think something bad's gonna happen to us right now. And we go, what the fuck? Like, Scott never says shit like that, so we're like, what do you mean?

Right?

And he's like, just something bad's gonna happen tonight.

What?

And we're like, that's weird. So I drove extra safe. I drove 90 miles per hour to get off the road quickly because I didn't want to— I didn't want to risk the chances of on the road.

Sure, good thinking.

So anyway, we, we, we were on, um, yeah, we're at the movies.

Yeah.

And then the movie starts. We're like 10 minutes in, the screen hasn't been fucking fixed. I'm losing my mind. I'm losing my mind. Eliza says, I'm gonna go get up and I'm gonna go get up and ask someone to fix it. And I, and I yell at her, I'm like, sit down, just sit down and pay attention. Because, because I get so upset when people leave during movies. So I got really fucking— I got, I got— dude, it was, it was like the worst. No, it was 10 minutes in, it was 10 minutes into the movie, it already started. And then I'm like, I'm sorry I yelled at I'm sorry I raised my voice. That's not what I meant. I'm just in a bad spot right now. Like, I wish you weren't seeing me like this.

Yeah, you and Thanos in that situation. But go ahead.

And then see, I don't even know that reference because I haven't seen the fucking movie. And then 15 minutes in, so this is 5 minutes later, I can't even see the characters' faces because it's so fucking blurry. And there's other people in the theater with us, but I don't think they notice. Like, they're just— I don't know. They're completely gone. I don't know what's wrong with them.

Did Scott notice?

Scott noticed.

Kristen?

Yes, they all, they all noticed. And then, and then Liza's like, I'm gonna go talk to them. I'm like, okay, go for it. Liza got up to go talk to the manager, and she's gone, and it's just me watching the movie. I can barely hear because the sound feels like it's off, and, and the screen is off, like it's not super high def. And I start, I started, I started fucking tearing up, Jason. I literally started crying when Liza was gone because I'm like, this is, this is all I have, this is all I have. And I just started fucking Tearing up, I'm like, I've been waiting for this movie for 5 months. I pre-planned what I was going to order. I ordered 3 barbecue sauces and 3 ranch for my sweet potato fries, and I got buffalo spring rolls, and I got a Coke and a water. Oh, and I was ready to go.

Good job. I was ready. Good job on the Coke and water. I like that.

Thank you. I was ready to go. I don't give a fuck. And then they come back and they're like, yeah, our projection person, our projection woman is out of town or out of the office today, so we can't get it fixed. So we just got up and left. I was like, I can't do this. So I left.

Wow.

Yeah. So this was like, now it was like midnight and I just wasted like, you know, I wasted technically my entire night because it wasn't just like from 11 to midnight.

Sure.

At 9 o'clock I started cramming everything I needed to do and I started stressing out.

Yeah. And when you waste a night, it's your— you work at night, so people should know that. It's not like you're just home.

Oh yeah, yeah. Like I don't usually film till like 1 or, you know, 1 AM is when I bring that vlog to the people the next day. Yeah.

Yeah. He works late. You work hard.

So this was like a really big waste of a night for me, dude. Unbelievable. Isn't that crazy?

Yeah, I mean, the crowd—

especially that movie—

crying's a little much.

Yeah, you're right. I'm a bitch.

I think maybe— now see, I wouldn't say that. I think maybe the crying might have been about something else. You think your life— yeah, yeah, I think you're working through something. Because if you're crying the fact that Avengers isn't playing, I don't know.

But that's the worst part.

I don't think you're that big of a Marvel fan.

I would have loved if it wasn't playing, but it was playing, and that's what I hated, is that it was playing in very poor quality. That, like, that's what bummed me out.

The 3 other people you're with were in agreement that you would leave? Yeah, because I feel like if I was with you, I'd be like, it's fine.

The first— Scott and Kristen were like, it's fine. And then I was like, I'm sorry guys, you can stay here. I even told Liza, I'm like, Liza, I really won't be offended if you stay here. I just gotta go. I can't do this.

What did Liza say?

I was like, yeah, that's totally fine. I, I don't like— it doesn't look good either. And then the—

well, I don't understand.

And then the blurry— yeah, it was blurry. Like, it was like—

how?

Like, you know when you go to an eye doctor and they go Okay, is this better or is this better? Yeah, this was the not better option. Okay, you know when they like slide through different things a little?

It was a little off in the sound too.

The sound was too quiet. Yeah.

Did you turn to a stranger next to you and go, did anyone else have a problem?

No, because everybody else there was like— I don't know, they're probably all drunk. Like, they just— I don't think they could tell.

Um, who's drunk at a movie on a Wednesday?

Scott was. Um, but yeah, okay, well, that's, that's for that. Um, I picked Pasadena. Get your shit together. 'Cause I'm surprised, you know, I'm surprised they didn't go, listen, sorry about that, we have another theater open here for you in about 20 minutes after this movie ends, we'll play it for you in this theater.

Yeah.

Like, I don't know why they don't do that, 'cause it's such an expensive place to go watch movies.

Yeah, did you get your money back?

We got our money back, but they should have given us like a voucher for the next month, you know what I mean? That's a huge inconvenience. Like, imagine if I was somebody else, if I wasn't like, you know, a teenager, if I was like, a busy guy who just took off like a business meeting to be here. I don't know.

Did you, did you like the first 10 minutes?

Dude, I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

That's so good. It's the best movie I ever saw. Yeah, saw it with Wyatt. We were in heaven.

I'm excited. I'm, I'm seeing it today. I'm seeing it.

Is Scott going with you?

I'm seeing it in an hour and a half. No, it's just me and Liza.

Oh, I am even better.

So I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled. I'm really excited.

Even better, just the two of you.

Did you see this David Goodall, um, he's, he's—

I saw it.

You saw it? He's a scientist.

Yeah.

And he's going to Switzerland or something to euthanize himself.

I was lying. I just wanted to sound smart. What's he doing?

He's going to Switzerland. He's 104 years old, and he's going to euthanize himself.

Oh, God.

That's when you lose your virginity.

When I lose my virginity?

No, I'm kidding. I just wanted to see if you knew what euthanize was. That's when you kill yourself, basically. Yeah, no, I know. Proper way. It's like putting a dog down, but like when a human decides to.

What's his deal? Does he, um, is he sick?

No, I think he's just lived a life.

He's just done.

When you're 100 years old, you really want to be around? You're 45 and you're already having those thoughts, you know what I mean?

Yeah, but he's not on YouTube.

Yeah, but he's gonna have 2 kids, a divorced life, and wow.

Begins trip to end his life.

Yeah, brutal, huh?

What would you do if you're about to end your life? What would be the last thing you do on the last day? So you're like, this is it, I'm happy, I'm gonna live to 22.

What would you do?

What would you do? What's your last day? Honestly, what would it be?

My last day?

Did you make a vlog?

This is, this is a little reckless.

Why?

Because, well, what I would do is a little reckless, and it's a little— it's not the most appropriate thing, but I would definitely buy the fastest car I can get and go on a police chase. I know, but I know I'm, I know I'm endangering others.

So you could be on TV. Why would you want to be in a police chase? You just want that feel, that thrill.

Oh my dude, cops chasing you, like That's— like, listen, Jason, no one will ever have that feeling legally unless they come up with like the best virtual reality. That's like the best feeling.

Well, first of all, they don't chase you that hard. They're not allowed to. They're— because, you know, I mean, if even if you're doing like— if you're doing like 110, they let you go and the helicopter takes over. So really, you can just drive around all you want. You'll get on the news and shit, which would be cool.

That would be dope.

Yeah, but I mean, I don't think you're not going to get the Grand Theft Auto experience that you're talking about.

Really?

I don't think so.

No, because you can't get hookers in the middle of a police chase. That's just a video game.

Oh, so that's what you want to do on your last day?

Um, what would you do on your last day?

My last day?

Pay your taxes off?

Yeah, fuck the government. Fuck that shit.

What would you do?

I would, um, I would sing a song with my children.

Fuck you.

I would, I would, I would, I would write and record music with my children. That would be the last thing I would do. And I don't even write or record music.

Damn, that's making me fucking tear up.

Yeah, dog. I mean, that's why you have to go to such a real place.

I went with police chase. I thought we were doing— I thought we were doing fun stuff.

I had motorboat Trish's There we go. Uh, I, I, I, I'm trying to think. Yeah, the perfect day for me is just being with them. I mean, honestly, um, you know, shooting something cool, that would be cool. Those are my two loves.

You were— I saw you were in Vegas and you jumped off like the Stratosphere or whatever.

Yes.

Basically it's like bungee jumping.

Yes.

And I saw when you jumped, you, you go, I love you, Trisha, and then you're like, oh shit, I love you, Charlie, I love you, Wyatt. He's like, oh fuck, I gotta— like, as he was in midair, he's like, I love you, Trisha, and then I could see like in his head he's like Oh crap, I gotta say I love you to my kids.

Um, no, I was— she— as we were going up, she's like, you better say my name, you better say my name. Yeah. And I was like, okay, remember to say Trisha.

Give me the full story right now. Yeah, Trisha was really drunk in Vegas. What happened? Um, Trisha's his girlfriend, by the way, who is— she's a cool person. I don't want to say anything or she'll fucking kill me. She's great. Trisha's his amazing girlfriend.

Yeah.

Okay, go.

Yeah, you know, she just got drunk in Vegas, and I think she was trying to—

You know what's cool about Trisha?

What?

Is she can never catch me talking shit about her behind her back, because like everything—

Like you say, I tell her?

No, like everything, everything I want to say to somebody else, I tell her in person. Do you know what I mean? Like if someone goes like, hey, how's Trisha? I'll be like, oh, she's batshit crazy. All right. Like, it's just like— it's just like—

well, that, that's on you. You're, you're a good person like that. You don't talk shit. You tell people right to their face what you think of them.

No, but Trisha's pretty good about that. She's so about it is because she like embraces all her craziness. And like, someone was telling me, like, someone was asking, like, they were like, I wonder why so many people watch Trisha? And I'm like, because she documents herself at her worst.

Yes.

And like, that's like, that's like what everybody wants to watch.

Yes.

It's like, Trisha is everybody at their worst.

Yes.

And like, that's, that's why people watch it.

Yeah. And that's why all the fans love her so much.

Yeah.

She just got really drunk and And she, um, she started texting some other guy that she—

what was this guy's name?

I don't know. And around— and then she's like, I'm going to this other guy's house. And I was like, okay, go. And I think it was like more of a test to see what I would do.

So she was texting some guy? Yeah, basically insinuating that she was gonna fuck him?

No, she didn't say that. She just said, I'm going to some guy's house.

Wow. Well, but, but what time was it?

It was late.

Like, give me a time.

It was after midnight. 4 AM? It was 4 o'clock in the afternoon. No, no, it was after midnight, and I don't know, man, she's been really good. She's been—

So what happened with the story? She said she was gonna go with this guy.

And I said, "Okay, go." Oh shit. And she said, "Well, he'll be here in an hour to pick me up." And I said, "Oh, okay." And then I kept trying to tell her to stay, tell her to stay, tell her to stay, and then eventually Yeah, she didn't go. That was it.

Wow.

I mean, I, I don't know. I don't know what to say about it, you know. She's—

have you ever, have you ever threatened anyone by saying you were gonna go hook up with a girl? No, right? It probably doesn't work. They're probably like, yeah, right, fucking send me a picture when you're there too. People are like, I don't believe that shit. When this desperate bitch comes to pick you up, let me meet her.

She's been, she's been really good. She, she just, you know, she— people slip up. And sure, she's got a lot of, uh—

no, you guys have been doing good.

Past past problems that come up in the relationship.

Like today, uh, she bought a billboard.

Oh my God.

Oh, let's talk about the billboard next. Go for it. She, she— what'd she buy today?

She bought— no, no, let's talk about the billboard. She, she bought this billboard of herself eating chicken fingers, and she was on— she's on her knees eating chicken fingers.

She bought a billboard where she's basically naked eating chicken fingers in a bikini, in a bikini, but she's on all fours. But you haven't told her. You The billboard is, is, I think, genuinely, I think it's 200 feet away from Jason's house.

It's, it's, it's 500 feet from my kid's school.

Yeah, it's like you can't, you can't miss it when you're leaving Jason's house or when the kids go for recess.

Yeah, and in her mind she thought she was doing a good thing. She was like, she's like, babe, I want you to see me when I, you know, when you go out your door.

That's amazing.

Which I will.

I think it's pretty dope.

So the PTA and so all the gym teachers And, you know, yeah, it's, it's—

you got, you got to be honestly, as crazy as it is, you kind of have to be proud.

We had a big fight today. It was awful.

What happened today?

I don't know, like, we were getting along really good, and, um, and I— and we started to— we were at the Grove, and she wanted to do this video, and I was like, cool, let's do it. And then she, she, uh, she, she brought her camera out, and I— and, and she started to do her video, which was, uh recreating our first kiss or something. And then she's like, she's like, well, she's like, you know, we hooked up way before that. And she kept saying that. And then I was like, oh, I was like, I got like kind of uncomfortable or whatever. And then I just like, I just like walked away for a second because she wanted sunglasses. And I went, I went to like look at this. She wanted matching sunglasses and she got really pissed. And then, and that was it. We just fought the entire day and that was it. I was like, it just, it just goes like that.

I almost didn't understand that, 'cause that was like the worstly described fight I've ever heard.

You know what? You're right, because I don't understand it. I don't understand what she was mad at. And then that was it. We were silent the whole way home. She was like, "That's it. I'm done. I don't want to do the video." So it's just, it's really up and down, David.

But that's kind of the fun part. I mean, that's why you're around. If it was all daisies, you wouldn't be dating her.

I know.

You're in for the ride.

She's mad at me now.

She is?

Yeah.

Wow.

I texted her because we're supposed to go surfing tomorrow morning.

And you canceled?

No, I texted her. I said, are you gonna come? You're still coming tomorrow? Even though I know like we were kind of fighting. And then it said, um, let's see what it is.

Jason's pulling up his text right now.

I said, um, probably not. I have— this is very unlike her. Okay. Very unlike her. Are you gonna come tomorrow morning? Probably not. I have to get my eyelashes done. I'll probably Uber and pick my car up. I have the keys. And this is the one— this is the kicker, David, because she knows she wants to spend every minute with me.

Yeah.

And then I've got an all-day hair appointment Friday. I mean, that's right. Oh shit, don't say that.

So not only did she say she's busy tomorrow, which is Thursday, then she said the next day don't fuck with me either.

Yep, that's what she said. Okay, so maybe it's over.

What the fuck?

I mean, you know, I don't know. Yeah, I have no idea.

Trisha's the talk of these podcasts. We should fucking name this the Trisha.

I was gonna say let's not talk about her tonight.

Okay, let's do something else. Um, we got, we got a letter in from somebody Yeah, and it says, hi David and Jason, I've been following you guys since Vine and I wish you all very much success and happiness in your lives.

Nice. I remember Vine.

Fuck you, Jason. No, you smelly ass bitch. Oh, let me finish this before you start. I am 22 years old.

I'm not happy, I want to die. It's not sad particularly. What is sad is if one is prevented. That's, that's the guy.

Oh, Jason's reading an article that's unrelated to what I'm reading.

Guy wants to kill himself. Sorry, go ahead.

Okay, I am 22 years old and a single mother of a 4-year-old. I've dedicated my whole life to him ever since I found out I was pregnant. It's always been him, and since day one I focused so much these past 5 years on being a mom that I've forgotten that I am still young and I've forgotten to take care of myself. I started going to the gym again and have lost 30 pounds. Good for fucking you. I do have a social life. I do not have a social life. I do not have any friends other than my two best friends who also had kids young but both had their family and I don't ever see them. I think one reason why I support and love you all very much is because I'm envious of your guys' friend group. How do you make friends? How How can I gain a social life again? Sorry for coming off as such a loser. Lol. Oh, Leslie, if you think you came off as a loser, then you don't watch these videos and you are not familiar with Jason.

Yeah, not at all, Leslie. I totally— that's the best letter we've gotten. I, I relate the most to that. How old is she?

Um, she's 22. Is she—

how old are the kids?

4. So she had them when she was 18.

Okay, this is so easy.

Okay, they're 4. Give the kid up for adoption. They're 4. He won't remember shit.

There's probably a fire station in your town. There's a law. There's a law. They, they cannot— they're not allowed to ask questions. Just drop the baby off, no questions asked.

That's still crazy. We've talked about on the podcast before.

That's a law.

They're not allowed to ask questions.

Yeah, or else they go in the dumpster. I mean, that's what people do.

That's, that's a really good rule.

It's a good law.

It's a really good law.

Tell her that she's—

what are you— I'm not fucking—

I like when you say it. Tell her I said— are you on the phone with Susan?

Yeah, go, go. What should I tell her? Tell her she's, she's fucked until the babies are like Hey, you're fucked until the baby's— are you serious? Yeah. Why?

Once they get to be like 5 or 6, she'll—

her life will be a lot better because you can, you can have, um, you can have—

oh yeah, she thinks she's a loser right now because she has this, this live thing attached to her at all times that can't— that they can't live without her. But she's— you really, you're just in the bad stages of being alone.

I, I noticed how you said you're 22 and that's really young, but that's exactly the point too, is that you are really young and like you can make friends like fucking in 6 years, 7 years, even in a year or two. Like, there's no fucking rush to do that, like whatsoever. So don't even worry about that.

The other thing that a lot of people do is they make their babies like mobile, and they make them like a part of their life, and they, they fucking like take the baby to shit. Like, don't take it to a dance club, but you know, just take the baby to like an art class, or just take the baby everywhere you go, and it's really good for the kid.

Oh, tie it onto your like chest.

Yes, with rope.

Rope. With rope and duct tape.

Yes.

And then if his legs are wiggling too much, staple them.

She's just in— she's just in a bad place right now, and it'll get better. Yeah, that's a really hard age. 4 is awful. 4 is awful until they get to be about 6. Parenting is awful. Don't ever, ever have a kid.

And if you're gonna have one, have a 6-year-old.

Have a 6-year-old. Yeah, adopt.

Do not get a 4-year-old. Have someone else take care of them till they're 6.

I feel bad for her. Maybe we could— I don't know.

Can I— one time, one time when my sister was born.

Yeah.

Well, she was only born one time. One of the times my sister was born. When my sister was born, she was maybe like a month old.

Yeah.

And my grandma was carrying her like in her arm, and I had this like little lacrosse stick type thing. It was like handheld. It was very small. It was like— it was almost like a tennis racket. Right, and we lived in this apartment that had a staircase that winded around, so you could look down the middle of the staircase and there was nothing there. It was just the bottom hallway. So 6 floors up, you look down and you saw 6 floors down. Oh, does that make sense?

Yeah.

So my grandma had the kid, had my sister in her hand down on the first floor, and, and my friend threw down the tennis racket and it hit my grandma right in the elbow, like literally a foot away from my sister's head.

Wow.

Yeah, scary, huh?

And that was so precious.

That would have killed— that would probably kill the bit, or it would have killed her. No, dude, I mean, that's when, like, her scalp is like the softest thing on the planet.

No, that— babies can fall on their head. Charlie fell on her head. Okay, she did.

That's what they told you, Jason. Hey, doctor, so she fell once, how many times do I have left?

No, that—

how many times can I drop her?

Baby's heads are really resilient. Bullshit. It's true.

No, they're so delicate.

No, it's the opposite.

Really?

Yeah, that's, that's how God makes them. Trisha's getting me into Jesus.

Okay, did Trisha tell you that babies, babies can be dropped a lot? No, that doesn't sound right.

No, Trisha didn't tell me that, but it is true. Charlie fell on, on a brick floor once on her head.

How did she fall?

I dropped— no, she just, she just, she just fell. She was in like a —what do you call those little strollers? Car seat. And she just wiggled out of it.

And nothing happened?

Nope, she was fine. She fell on her fucking head.

How scared were you guys? So scared.

She was fine. I mean, she was crying for a while.

How old was she? Fucking 1. How did you test out that she was fine? Did you ask her?

Um, we got her a chalkboard with chalk and she drew out the Pythagorean theorem and we were like, you're fine.

Yeah, that's fucking amazing. Good for her. I'm proud of her. Um, that's— what's the toughest part about raising kids?

Um, having you around when they're trying to go to bed.

Um, when you, when you, when you first change a diaper. Yeah. How was that process?

Oh my God, the poops are awful. They're just—

they're not solid and they go everywhere. I've seen them. I've seen the poops.

I haven't seen them go everywhere. Oh really? But I mean, yeah, they go everywhere in the diaper.

That's what I mean.

Oh yeah, yeah. I thought you meant like on the walls.

Have you ever been pissed on while you've been changing a diaper?

I've only been dating Trisha a little bit.

You're so gross.

Oh yeah, she always wants to watch me pee. It's really weird. Trisha? Yeah.

I think she just wants to make sure that you're not in there hooking up with someone or masturbating to someone on Pornhub. No, sorry, this is— that's really gross. We should stay at— we should either talk about babies or Trisha. We shouldn't mix those two.

Well, you know, go ahead.

Trisha wants to kiss. Okay, anyway, what was— what's, what's the toughest part? By the way, Jason has had his gum in his hand. I know. And it's like, like his gum, like he just, he spit it out and it's all sticky and it's, and it's, it looks like a spider web caught in his fingers because that's how Jason operates.

And the dog was licking my feet tonight.

The dog was licking your feet for a really long time.

Yeah, we were playing piano in the other room and the dog got jealous.

You and the piano? I'm sorry, you and the dog were playing piano? Yeah, me and the dog were playing piano. He was fucking jealous.

He got really jealous because I was playing with the kids and singing. What's hard about having kids? Let's see. Feeding them, raising them, getting up in the morning.

Oh, is that tough? Is it true that you don't sleep when you have kids?

No, man, I haven't slept in years. I get up so early.

You know when school starts? When?

It starts at 7:55. Don't you think that's early? That's nuts.

I was just thinking about that. Someone actually brought it up.

Why do you gotta go to school for so long? So stupid.

So stupid.

They say kids learn better at 10 AM anyway.

Okay, never mind, I take it back. Oh, because, okay, because looking back at it, looking backwards, like now I can never wake up that early and go to 8 hours of school, right? But like, I know how it was as a kid, and like, it sucked, but it was totally doable. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, but you like school. You were like all— it was— you were Mr. Social.

I didn't like waking up though. You didn't?

No, it is. I liked—

Yeah, they get out at 2:20. Oh. Yeah, you got them beat. You win this one. How'd you like shooting them with paintballs today? Oh yeah. It was a pretty fun game.

Yeah, I shot my friends with paintballs today, which seems kind of normal at this point. Can I read one more letter? Please. What the fuck? This one— okay. This is Gauri from India. So basically homosexuality is a punishable offense in India.

Trisha just texted me, is this live?

No, she didn't text you. Okay, listen to this, 'cause this seems intense. So basically homosexuality is a punishable offense in India. I know a lot of people who fall into that category in our society, yet they are often mistreated. How do you think I should talk to them and somehow console them? What does Jason have to say about this since he has a shit ton of life experience?

What?

Well, first of all, are you in it? First, that's so fucking dumb, dude. I actually—

he wants to know what I think about them killing homosexuals.

No, I don't think they kill. I think they just punish them, like, uh, jail time. I don't know. I mean, for all I know, that they could kill people in India. I don't know. Um, that's— first of all, I don't understand that. I actually know— I know people— I have friends of mine whose parents don't like homosexuals. Really? And I mean, we do. We do. It's just so interesting. It doesn't make any fucking sense. It's like you think they're fucking with you. Like you think it's bullshit because it's so— it's so— who gives a fuck? Like, how can you even like consume your thoughts? And like, how can you spend energy thinking about such stupid shit that like does not concern you whatsoever? Like, it blows my fucking mind. How are the people out there? That like, it's— I don't get it. I don't get it. It's literally—

Did you have any people in school that were gay?

I mean, I'm sure there were a ton, but nobody was out. Nobody was out yet. It was like 2 or 3 people that were maybe out, but like, it was just like—

Did they have boyfriends and stuff?

No, no, no, no one had— no, it's a lot.

Did they get made fun of?

No, no, not at all. No.

Something tells me they don't. Kids over at Troy and Wyatt School, they don't make fun of kids anymore.

No, it's different where you go. It's different where you go.

Where I go, it's like really—

no, I'm saying it's, it's from school to school. Like, every school is different, right? Um, all it takes is like 2 bad kids to be like fucking cunts and like pick on someone, do you know what I mean? Right. Um, but no, I don't know. Uh, how do you think I should talk to them and somehow control? I don't know.

It's just a fuck— I don't—

how do you talk to— how do you talk to someone that's gay and be like, it's okay, it's not a big deal, when it's so fucking obviously not a big deal? Do you know what I mean? Like, if some guy from Wyatt's school walked up to me, was like 10 years old, and he was like, listen, man, I'm gay. I don't know what to do. I'm like, fuck, just live your fucking life. Like, it's right. It's not a big deal at this point. Like, it's not like I'm mind-blown that this is something about India.

Sure, he's talking about India, which is a place where people don't have any money.

I don't know.

I don't know. It's like, it's like the poorest country in the world. The poverty there is ridiculous.

Doesn't India have like—

I don't know, it just might not be a forward-thinking place where he's from. And we're really lucky. I think I'll tell you what's really cool.

What I don't understand it, Jason, like even if you're not forward-thinking, like, do you know what I mean? Like, I get, I get having like issues with abortion and like having some stupid weird political—

that's the nature of people that are oppressed. That's the nature of they, they find like enemies and they take down people like because their lives suck, so they pick on people that are different.

I don't know, it doesn't make any sense to me.

I'll tell you what's really interesting. In my lifetime, when I was a kid, like being gay, like all that stuff, and then I literally saw like the, that, that whole revolution happened with gay people where it was like not okay and then it was okay.

How many people were gay in your school? None. None?

None. No kids in high school were out. None. And they wouldn't be. If they were out, they would have been fucking so messed with. Really? Yeah. And I'm sure that, you know, there were gay people in my school, right? Sure, sure. Had to be. And my sister didn't come out until she was 25.

Yeah, I mean, you're right. I mean, I definitely think that people had problems with it a couple years ago, but like, I don't know.

What's your best gay experience?

Which is proud, what?

What's your best gay experience?

Where have I ever done that?

What's your best one? Yeah, I know you had a lot.

I haven't done much. Yeah, I, I really— I've, um, going through my Rolodex of games.

I had my balls on Todd's head once.

Yeah, I made you do that.

Yeah, that's right, for a bit.

No, I don't, I don't think I've had many gay experiences. Like none?

I—

no, I mean, I've kissed, like, I've kissed a boy or two.

Oh yeah, for a video? No. Yeah, yeah, it's okay if you have.

You gotta try it, bro. You gotta try it. No, I've done it for a video, yeah. But I don't know. People are like, there's no video of you kissing boys. I haven't uploaded it yet.

What do you think about all this #MeToo stuff? Oh wait, that was 6 months ago. Never mind.

What do you think about Donald Trump being elected as president?

Oh, crazy, huh?

Yeah, what are the fucking chances? Do you think YouTube's gonna be around in 20 years? Yeah. Yeah, I do. Do you think— this is, this is what I'm thinking. I think—

how can you beat YouTube? You can't beat it. Tell me something you want to do.

But dude, that's what people probably said about television. You—

but you can't beat it. Imagine this, imagine this, okay? Imagine this. Let's say I like Family Feud. Sure, I'm on there watching Family Feud, and then in my head I go, hey, you know what, I want to fix that door outside. But I don't know quite how to do it. I'm still on YouTube, you know what I mean? You're right. I— you wanna— whatever you want to do, you want to make, make slime, you know how to do it on YouTube.

I get it.

You can't fucking beat it. I want to listen to music, but I still think it's the same concept as—

how could you beat that?

You, you know that you put a chip in your head?

That's what I'm saying.

Oh, come on, they'll never be able to do that.

What do you sound like, a fucking old man? I'm kidding. Oh, okay.

But seriously, what would that look like though? A chip in your head?

I don't know. And I'm sure YouTube would sell to, you know, have a part of it. Like, now you can have YouTube in your head, you know what I mean?

But people don't want chips in their head. They'll never want chips in their head.

I think there will be. Yeah, but I think— I don't, I don't think it's going to be like a chip in the head. I think it's going to be a little bit more like virtual reality. It's going to be a little more like easygoing, in my opinion. It's not going to be like so permanent, like a chip in your head, because it's fucking terrifying. Oh shit.

All Ipix closed down. What? All Ipix closed down tonight.

All the movie theaters are closed down?

Yeah, no, just Ipix. Why?

What's going on? Uh, they just— and you got the notification on your phone?

They played the movies too much and they're not playing them anymore. No Avengers. You have to wait because they're too— for DVD.

First of all, I heard Avengers is fucking kick-ass.

It's so good. I love— and I never say that. It, it, it's really one of the best movies I ever saw because it's just more than just them fighting, you know.

Yeah, it's like storyline, really.

And you get to see all the characters in weird situations.

I don't even want to talk about it because I'm so excited.

Thor with so-and-so and Spider-Man with so-and-so.

Have you, have you ever met anybody that was famous and not what you expected?

That's a great question. Um, yeah, like, okay, I met, uh, I met Paul McCartney once. What? Yeah.

How?

When I worked at SNL. Oh yeah? Yeah, I just rode up in an elevator with him once.

What'd you say to him?

I just was like, I didn't say anything to him, but he was just kind of like, kind of needy.

From an elevator ride? Yeah. You found out he was needy?

That's what I surmised. How?

How did you find that out?

Because he was asking everyone like what they thought of his performance.

Oh, that's really sweet.

It's really sweet, but I didn't— but, but in my mind I was like, uh, you're Paul McCartney.

No, I think that's cool. Yeah, that's very humbling. Like, a guy like Paul McCartney is still insecure about his performance on SNL.

Yeah, but it almost felt false.

Oh, you're saying it almost felt like he wanted people to tell him it was amazing?

Yeah, it almost felt like he was trying to come off as humble. Oh, you know what I mean? When in reality you're like, nah, you don't really need to know.

Did he ask you?

No, he did not ask me.

He just didn't care for your opinion, probably.

He asked me to turn around and face the wall while we were riding. Good, good.

All right, have you met any other celebrities that I should know about?

Um, I've met Kanye West.

No, you have not. I have. I was— do you see what Kanye did the other day?

He's been doing a lot. What did he do? What did he do?

He murdered 7 kids.

I did see that. That's wild.

No, I mean, he's, um, I honestly don't know what he's doing. He's really pro-Trump now, which is a super Kanye thing to do, which is so— it's like, it's honestly, it feels like it's fake because it's just like, it's exactly what Kanye would do. Kanye feels— I mean, I don't fucking know this guy, and I'm 20 years old. I don't know why I'm even commenting on this, but he feels like a person to me. I do this too. He'll take the opposition because he wants to— he wants that, and that's what he's doing.

You know what, I think you're right. I think that— I don't I don't think he really believes in Trump either.

No, he's doing, he's doing what I would do in an argument. If Liza goes, the sky is blue, I'll be like, you know what, I'm not too fucking sure about that, right? And I know for a fact the sky is fucking blue, right? But I just want to, I want to seem like—

what does he get out of that? He loses fans.

Yeah, but he, he gets the opportunity to fight for the underdog.

And like, they're not the underdog, Trump. They're in power. But Trump, on the, in the, in the media's eyes, he gets the opportunity to be the only one in his crowd of people. So that gives him originality, and that gives him individuality by being that one person. Exactly. It brings more attention on him. Yeah, by taking the opposite. Exactly. That's why you take the opposite opinion all the time. I do. Yeah, get more attention. To get more attention. I thought you got enough, um, 6 million subscribers, but I guess 6.4.

Oh, um, no, um, no, but what Trump is— sorry, what Kanye is doing is basically he's He's just been tweeting a lot of pro-Trump stuff. Yeah. Did you see what John Legend tweeted?

Uh, yeah, you sent it in the group. Yeah, it was really, really funny.

John Legend texted him and he was like— he texted him this like long paragraph about like, Kanye, man, be careful what you're, what you're saying. Like, there's a lot of, uh, kids that look up to you.

This is a personal text between John Legend that he tweeted?

Yeah, John Legend personally texted Kanye this. He was like, hey Kanye, like, just just be careful what you're doing, get your facts straight. And Kanye tweeted the text message conversation. And then, and then the next, uh, text, John texted him again saying, um, I noticed that you're tweeting these. By the way, my new single is out, make sure you go buy it. And then Kanye tweeted that too. That was really funny. I don't know, I don't know if that was like an interesting story at all.

No, no, no, wait, and you missed the best part, which was what Kanye said.

What did Kanye say?

Kanye said, um, Hold on, let me get it. Kanye basically went, "I love you, Jon." No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Here, I got it. It was the funniest text.

Jason's looking for something on his phone. Kanye said, "I love you, Jon, and I appreciate your thoughts. You bringing up my fans or my legacy is a tactic based on fear used to manipulate my free thought." That's what he said. And then Jason, what did you say to that?

I said, "Next time David calls me a pussy, I'm gonna say, 'David, that's a tactic based on fear, based on messing with my free thought.'" What is it? I wanna get the line right.

Here, let's practice it right now. No, Jason, you're a pussy.

Well, that may be true, David, but you're bringing up my—

Let's try it again. Start from the top. Jason, you're a pussy.

You bringing up me being a pussy is a tactic based on fear used to manipulate my free thought, David. Goddamn it.

This would be so much better if you could read. I know. I haven't been able to read for a while. OK, guys. Well, I have an update about— we have to go, but I have an update about the Views Tour. We're announcing it soon. We're announcing— we're figuring out a couple little things to add to it. But it's going to be announced. We're gonna have a good time, hopefully. Some special guests, some special— we don't know that.

We don't know that, but we're working on details, and that's why we haven't announced it. Rhymes with—

it rhymes with Rance the Tapper, Chance the Rapper, and the Chicago— we're not getting Chance the Rapper. It's a fucking joke.

I love Chance the Rapper.

Yeah, Jason was— Jason just like looking at me with his—

I was literally sitting with his mouth wide open. With Scott Sire.

Jason, Jason staring at me with his mouth wide open. I can't believe we're getting fucking Chance the Rapper.

Um, okay guys, check out our merch.

Check out our merch. Make sure to tweet us a bunch of topics. We love listening to topics. We love these letters. Um, I'm sorry if we don't help you and we kind of just read the letter and we get really confused as to what you're saying, us telling us. But, um, no, we love you guys sending in letters and asking us a bunch of questions. Um, oh, hold on. If you could go back in time now to before you and your ex-wife divorced, would you have written a prenup agreement from the start?

Um, no.

Jason, fun fact, Jason didn't keep anything in the divorce. No, he just kept a toaster.

Yeah, I got that lawn chair that's in the backyard.

That was it. Yeah, which I blew up the other day. Thanks again.

Um, uh, no, I wouldn't do it. I don't believe in prenups. No, don't do it. And I don't believe in taking money from other people. Yeah, and if you're a man, you're supposed to pay for everything anyway. Oh, okay.

It's true.

You're supposed to give all your money to your family. Really? Yeah, it's really the right thing to do.

I'm never gonna have a family.

Keeping it all for myself. Can't take it with you when you go, David.

If you mean family, you mean me, myself, and I, then fuck yeah.

Hey, I saw a psychic the other day.

That's cool, I don't care. Okay, we'll see you guys later. This has been a Views podcast. My name is Jeff. We'll see you guys later. Bye.