Money Buys Happiness

What's up guys, welcome back to Views.

What?

What?

What are you saying?

What do you mean?

What's up guys, welcome back to Views.

Seems to be an argument all of a sudden that David wants to start from now on.

I thought that was like obvious. It's a 70-30 split and David starts the podcast.

I didn't see that in the contract.

Well, it was in fine print. You really have to dig in there.

Really?

Can I actually bring that 70-30 split up real quick?

Yeah, go ahead.

Jason and I were talking about it. As you guys know, we started this podcast together. And if we ever make money off this, which so far we're not, I get 70% of the money.

I think they remember that from last time. It was all over Twitter.

And Jason gets 30%. And a lot of you guys were asking me, you guys are like, wow, David, you must have a killer manager to get you a deal like that. And the funny part is Jason and I have the same manager.

I know, we said that last night. Like, Jack, what happened on that one?

So he fucked over Jason.

Yeah.

And then I'm over here swimming in it, even though we're not making any money. But, um, First things first, dude, we're number 1 on comedy as of right now.

I know, I can't believe it. I'm gonna get genuine for a second.

Okay.

I'm thoroughly— I want to thank everybody. That's amazing. It's so amazing.

No, it is really cool.

It's really nice.

We probably won't be there for a while.

No, it's not gonna last, but it's nice to know that we're number 1 in comedy and number 3 in the world.

It's nice to see that we're appreciated.

It was a good opening.

We're— it's kind of crazy how like that's the power of social media, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I mean, I think it's neat. I think there's a lot of young people that don't have podcasts that they want to like listen to.

That's so insane that like we can like take an entire audience from YouTube and be like, hey guys, come listen to our podcast, and they do it.

It's power YouTube. It's amazing.

Imagine how many countries we could take over.

I liked how many people tweeted me, tell David I said hi. Like that bit caught on. Remember when I told you that bit in your apartment? Yeah. And you're like, oh yeah, that's kind of funny.

That bit ended up catching on, so now you have to say hi to me a lot of times.

Yeah, so I've got a bunch of people I gotta say hi to you about. Um, should we read comments or anything? No, we don't want to read some questions.

Jesus, someone's gonna take—

we take a caller.

Someone's getting really cocky.

Yeah, one podcast in. Susan from Tulsa, you're on the air. What's going on, Dave?

We have President Trump on the other end.

Oh yeah, put him through.

Uh, we just saw your, uh— I can't do impressions.

Good Trump.

Thank you. Hi, it's me, Trump. Let me, let me recap, everyone. Jason's 43. Soon he's turning 44. He's turning 44 tomorrow.

Tuesday.

Yeah, which is also a crazy thing to me. It's funny, you're turning 44 tomorrow, right? It's your birthday.

Yeah.

And everyone in my group chat, like my friends, they're all going like, what do we do for Jason's birthday? And I'm like, what are you guys, what are you guys talking about? It's like, he's turning 44. Should maybe shoot him a text. Like, what, what, what do we do?

You guys have these group chats that you don't put me in, and it's not cool.

Jason, you wouldn't be able to maneuver your way around a group chat.

I know how texting works. I can text.

It's just, it's just like, what, like, what do we do for a guy who's turning 44?

I love how you attack me for my, for my, like, uh, my age and stuff, and yet I never attack you.

There you go. See, there you go. I don't see that.

It's, it's lame.

This is what I brought up earlier.

What?

That was the joke that sent you over the roof.

No, it's not. I'm, I'm saying, like, I just think it's interesting, like If I were to make fun of your hairline, I would feel bad.

That's a fucking dick move.

That's why I don't do it.

You know, one thing we don't make fun about here is my hairline.

That's not true. People make fun of your hairline. I don't.

And I'm not okay with it.

You're not?

No. Oh, it's my mom. My mom sends me texts about my hairline all the time. Jason bought me Rogaine the other day. You know how sad it is for a 44-year-old man to go buy Rogaine And at the checkout desk he goes, oh, it's not for me.

I did. I just wanted to put that on there. A little stamp. I don't need it. Full head. Full head of hair.

I don't need it. It's for a kid who should be in college right now.

But I mean, your hair looks good. I just think that, you know, we got to keep an eye on it.

Yeah, I know. I know. And it's receding.

And you stopped wearing the hats.

I stopped wearing the hats. One, because I lost it. And two, because everyone told me to stop wearing it because it chokes your hair.

I don't know if that's true. The hat was such your signature, though.

I'm going to put the hat back on. Okay, I'm putting it on right now.

Maybe you should get the hat permanently put on your head.

What's more important to you, your YouTube channel or my kids? Well, I already know the answer. Your YouTube channel for that one.

That's, that's just so cold. Yeah, you would put that out there.

If you can lose one of— you have two kids, right?

Listen, in your vlog I play a shitty dad, okay? And I'm happy to do it. I think it's funny. But please don't try to say here that I'm a shitty father because the truth is You know how much I— how hard I try with the kids.

I'm surprised that you're honestly a really, really good dad.

Oh my God. I can't believe that came out of your mouth.

We can edit things out here, right? No, surprisingly, you are a really good dad.

I am a good dad. I'm too good of a dad.

You're such a good dad. And your kids love you.

Thank you.

What am I saying? What's wrong with me?

The other night we were at David's house and I had to bring my kids and someone was like, hey, can we swear and stuff? And then they were asking me and David stepped right in and answered. He's like, yeah, yeah, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

Because I'm scared. Because I'm scared when your kids come to visit that people are gonna be like, oh shit, we can't swear anything. And I don't want them to feel uncomfortable.

Yeah, I get that.

Right when your kids stepped in my house, I turned to all our friends that were sitting on the couch and I'm like, let's fucking do this, guys. Because I wanted them to make them— I wanted to make them feel comfortable. And they don't think it's weird that you hang out with a bunch of 20-some-year-olds?

I think they will. They will as they get older. Yeah, they will in a couple years.

How long have you been in Los Angeles for?

Uh, 20, 20, 15 years.

15 years?

Yeah, that's—

I was 3 years old. I lied, I was 5 years old.

Yeah, I wasted so much time.

What did you do? How do you— how are you in this position after 15 years of pursuing your dreams?

Just put it— just failure after failure. Oh no, just like, for a long time I didn't even care about money. I was just like, I just want to make— like, I just want to make something already.

Do you think it's Do you think it's finally going right? Where was the peak of your career so far?

This is it. You're looking at it.

15 years and we're here. That's not bad.

More than— I did another 5.

This is how I— guys, this is how I always talk about Jason. I think Jason is one of the funniest people ever, and I always— when people ask me about him, I'm like, Jason is an SNL cast member or a huge movie star that never made it, and now I can use him for my videos whenever I want because he's broke and he, he And like, that's what I think is so cool about Jason, is like, he's hilarious, but no one knows it yet.

No.

One day, one day Jason's gonna get a solid movie role, and then he's gonna forget about me.

I got offered a part the other day. I turned it down.

Why?

Huh?

What was the part?

It was on a series. It was on a, uh, and I, I don't want to go do that. I don't want to be on set for 12 hours. Being a YouTuber is the best.

Acting is horrible. How much money do you have in your bank account right now?

Uh, I think I got like $182.

No, come on. Yeah, shut up.

Yeah, because I, I have to pay for like the nanny. I gotta pay for all kinds of stuff. Kids are expensive. My son, he has guitar lessons, are like $700 a month.

Really?

In guitar lessons.

So when you, when you take— when I go out to dinner with you and you say you're gonna pay for the bill, that's just a joke, right? Because you know I'm gonna end up paying for the bill all the time.

You never pay for the bill.

I always pay for the bill. I Venmo you.

Oh no, but you don't take the bill. You don't go like, oh, let me get this one, Jason.

I Venmo you because I don't like you.

But that's not paying for the bill.

Yes it is, because I pay a majority of the bill by Venmoing you.

You don't pay a major— you've Venmoed me 4 times in the last month. You've not paid the majority of the bill. You've barely covered.

Listen, we can have this argument off camera.

No, no, we'll have it right here, sir.

We're not even on camera.

We'll have it right here on camera, on my 2 eyes, which are 2 cameras. You barely cover your side.

Yes, I do. I look at my side and I add a $7.

Buffalo Wild Wings the other night. Uh-huh. It was $57.

Okay.

You gave me $25.

There was 3 of us, Jason. There's 3 of us.

Yours was $25.

No, it wasn't. Mine was $17. I got a small order of wings.

Brandon and I got the same thing as you. Brandon and I split what you got.

Brandon wasn't even at dinner with us at Buffalo Wild Wings.

I'm sorry. Wingstop. Okay. Sorry.

This conversation's over.

No, no, no. I take that back.

No, this is—

I take it back. You do pay your share when you go out, but you— I thought you're suggesting that you pay— don't say that you pay the bill. You don't pay for me. The way the conversation started was you were like, well, I pay your rent.

How about that?

You don't pay my rent.

Okay, that was a joke.

Oh my God, you know what?

I feel like I—

I feel like I've dug— I've like made a deal with the devil here. Like, I'm never gonna get out from underneath your thumb because you've got me. You got me fucking cornered.

No, you can leave whenever you want.

Where would I go?

What would you do with it? Would you— who do you think would be more sad? If we—

who more sad?

If I passed away, would you be more sad? Or if you passed away, would I be more sad?

If you passed away, I would be sad about— because I think of you as like a, a son. I would be sad.

Really?

I'd be really, really sad.

You think of me as a son?

Yeah, like when I get you and I—

who's your favorite child out of your two kids and then me?

I like Charlie, Wyatt, and then you.

Shut up. Be honest.

Charlie and Wyatt, I like equal, and then you're after them.

But I'm before them.

No, no, I know you'd like that. I know you would like to think that. You'd like to hear that for the podcast. But I do. I mean, when I do stuff for you, I— because you're like more immature than Brandon.

Oh, like you take care of me? Like you'll buy me food and stuff?

Yeah. Or I'll— like, I got the fruit the other day.

Yeah.

So I was like, oh, you know, I, I would do the same thing for Wyatt if I saw some fruit. Like, I'll get some fruit for Wyatt. So I was at the store, I knew I was going to see you, I'm going to buy— I bought $20 in fruit. I said, I think Dave could use some fruit.

Yeah, yeah, no, I guess that makes sense.

David, how are you?

I'm good, but you got to ask me some hard-hitting.

When's the last time you cried?

The last time I cried was like a week ago.

What'd you cry about?

I don't— I can never remember what I cried about, but I always cry. I cry a lot. I cry.

You do?

Yeah, I cry at least twice a month, whether it's happy. You know what, I was actually— the last time I cried, I remember this, was 2 weeks ago when we entered the airport to go to Houston.

Chuck Norris.

Yeah, and I started tearing up because I was—

I was— we got to Houston because I remember that moment.

No, no, no, when, when we were going through the checkout line or in LA.

Yeah, when we're going through TSA to get on our flight and I was dressed as Carmelita.

Yeah, and I think I was ahead of you for a little bit. Like, you were getting dressed and I just went for like a quick walk and I started crying because I'm like, this is so sick. Like, I'm flying first class right now. This is my fucking life. And I literally just started tearing up. I'm like, how crazy is it? Like, I hate when people say money doesn't buy happiness. That's like my biggest pet peeve because it definitely buys happiness. It doesn't cure sadness. It doesn't cure depression. It doesn't cure anxiety. It does buy a dose of happiness, and that's, that's just a fucking fact. You know, there's always something that money can solve, whether it's like financial problems or buy you a nice car. And like, that's where I was like, holy shit, this is so fucking nice that I'm able to buy myself a first-class ticket to go on this business trip to film with John— uh, sorry, to film with Chuck Norris for a brand deal. Like, that was nuts. That's the last time I cried.

Yeah, that's, that's deep, man. I like that.

I almost started crying. During this.

You fly me first class? I'm so fucking nice.

First class is amazing.

David's flown me first class twice.

Can I— oh, this is funny. This is really funny. We went, uh, we were, we were in the airport as Carmelita, and Carmelita is this Mexican whore that Jason dresses up as, if you don't watch the vlogs. And we were running around, we were running around the, um, the airport, and Jason was just making jokes, and everyone was looking at us. And then we sit on the airplane, we're first class, we're, we're sitting first up, like we have the first seats on the actual airplane, and a guy walks by us. And what does he say?

Disrespectful.

He goes, disrespectful. Just looks at us and says disrespectful and then just keeps walking.

You also had your feet up on the wall.

That's not why he said disrespectful.

It was about Carmelita, right?

You were in a short skirt and a wig and red high heels.

I was in a Wonder Woman skirt.

And we were flying to the south.

And a leopard tube top.

And a leopard tube top. Yeah, like it was— I don't think he cared about my feet. It was definitely about you.

Yeah, that made me so mad. And it didn't bother you at all.

Well, because it was such a fuck you. Like, I was just like, look where I'm sitting.

It was so great.

It was like, fuck you, have fun on your hike back to economy.

I love that story.

Like, that's what was so good about it. And it's so crazy how incredible first class is. People don't understand how insane first class is.

It's unbelievable.

Dude, you are sitting there, you board first, which is fucking phenomenal.

That alone.

That's insane. You board first, and then not only that, But they make all the other people, the regular people, walk by you so you can frolic and show off your fucking fancy eyeshades and the water bottles that they have prepared for you as they walk by to their seats back in row 30-fucking-7.

Hot towel.

Yeah, you got your hot towel on your face, you're masturbating, you're like ready to go.

It's so good.

And it's just everyone's just walking by you and you feel like such a piece of shit, but like it's so amazing.

I don't feel bad.

You don't feel bad?

Because I've spent so many years just like eating shit, flying.

I feel bad, 'cause I'm like a 20-year-old, and there's like families that are going back. There's like army soldiers that are going back to the vaccine. I'm just like, "Fuck." You should feel bad. I should get my seat up. But, you know, you can't, because—

Dave was gonna fly me to— Uh, he called me the other day. He said, "You wanna fly first to Chicago?" I was like, "No." First class is like a $500 difference per ticket, usually.

But landing somewhere, especially when you're only going there for like 2 days, and landing there and being completely well-rested, is the best feeling.

Oh yeah, that is.

It's priceless. And first class is just— it's fucking phenomenal. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with it, but I just think it's just like this crazy thing that a lot of people want to be able to experience, and that sucks.

I like that. So that's when you're crying in the airport? Because like, that is— trying to think if I've had moments like that.

When was the last time you cried? When you had to walk by me in first class and I saw my AdSense. That fucking dick.

Uh, I cry— well, when I was getting divorced, I would cry all the time because I just felt like I broke up the family.

I thought you— oh, you, you were the one that started the divorce, right?

Yeah.

And you felt like you were breaking up the family?

I just felt bad.

Holy shit, that must feel fucking awful.

Yeah, when you're— when your daughter's like, was your—

were your kids crying?

Why are you staying here?

Were your kids crying?

Yeah.

Who cried the most? Who's the biggest baby?

My daughter.

No, I'm kidding.

I mean, she was 6 at the time or something.

I don't know anything about divorce.

It truly wasn't that bad. Yeah, my ex was really nice about everything.

So, and I heard you had the opportunity to take a lot of your ex's money, but you chose not to take anything.

No, I didn't take anything.

That shows what kind of a guy you are.

Idiot.

A big fucking pussy.

But why would you do that?

Why would you? No, no, no, no, I completely agree with you though.

First of all, I came into the marriage with nothing.

No, 100%.

Her money.

Even if you come to the marriage with like a lot, like if it's not an even split or if it's like—

Thank you.

What do you mean? That's obvious.

I'm glad you agree with me.

Well, that's obvious. I mean, you're not going to take something from like, especially someone that you've loved and that you've spent so much time with. You're not going to just fuck them over the last minute.

I've seen some bad divorces too. They go on for like a couple of years and they pay so much money. I want this.

And it's just like, yeah, no, that's brutal. I don't stand for that.

I went to my I didn't even get a lawyer. And I went to my ex-wife's lawyer to like sign some papers. And he was like, uh, he's like a big-time lawyer. And he sat me down and he was like, he's like, you didn't get a lawyer? And I was like, nah, I didn't get a lawyer. And he looked out his window and he just goes, that's the best thing you could have ever done.

Why?

He's like, he's like, I do divorce cases all the time. And he's like, he's like, it's always awful.

It's just brutal. Yeah. How much money they take. Yeah.

He was like, it's the best thing you could ever have done. He's like, it'll— it's like You didn't get any money, he's like, but it's all going to come back to you.

Like with karma?

Yeah, maybe not karma. I think maybe something more concrete than karma. Just like, like, you know, my kids will love me or whatever, or my kids will grow up to be better people because there wasn't this like crazy divorce.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm hoping my kids have a brain like you.

What do you mean?

I just hope they can get their shit together. The daughter— my daughter's smart.

What if both of your kids are like you?

Oh, my son, he's just like me.

Is he really?

Oh yeah, it's awful.

What do you mean he's like you?

He's really sweet, total pushover, spacey. One time I went to go talk to the, um, his, uh, teacher about his focusing problems, and literally as you started spacing out, I spaced out in the middle of it. She was like, so do you understand what you need to do?

And she's like waving her hands.

Yeah, I was like, huh, what, what?

Oh no.

Yeah.

So you're sad that your, your kid's gonna grow up to be just like you?

I hope not.

That does sound pretty fucking awesome.

I just hope he can get good at guitar. Goddamn it.

You want him to have a talent? What if he latches on to a 20-year-old too?

I hope he doesn't. I hope he's better than that.

I'd take him under my wing. Maybe I'll just replace you with him, give him a shot at it, start a podcast with him.

That'd be great. Hey, so, all right, I gotta ask you questions. So now How's your relationship with Liza going?

Relationship with Liza is good.

What are you willing to reveal here?

I'll reveal some things with my relationship with Liza.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll give you some juice.

Yeah, you told me something at CPK last night.

This is what's tricky. This is what, like, my favorite thing to talk about is with Liza recently. It's this whole, like, line between what's for the vlog, what's for, what's for the internet, and what's for us. Uh, so, because for her, I think it was for her birth— that wasn't for her birthday. I don't know what it was. I think, yes, it was for her birthday. I surprised her with a painting, and I included the painting in the vlog. So it was very difficult for her to understand, even for me maybe, to just be like, okay, was this for the vlog or was this for me, right?

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, exactly what you mean.

And it's like, it's tricky because I want to— I like, I want to get like— first of all, that painting was paid for. It's— it was like a $15,000 painting, and it was paid for because of the vlog.

Right?

And if I paid for it with my own money, that's great. I surprise her and she enjoys it. But I, I am kind of selfish, and I do want to capture that moment. Like, even— it's not even for the views. It's just for, like, that's— I can go back to that video whenever, and I can look at me surprising her with that painting.

Yeah.

And, like, I love that.

Yeah, you're big on that.

Like, I'm huge on moments like that. Like, I was, I was talking to my— I was talking to Liza about this, um, couple, couple months ago, I was like, what if I want to surprise my parents with like a huge check, like a really big check for like a lot of money to pay off their mortgage or something? And I'm like, can I film it? And like, I want to film it. I mean, deep down, there's probably a part of me that's like, hey, I want to show off and I want to show people that, look, I'm paying off my parents' fucking mortgage. Sure. Like, the other part of me is also like, I want— I enjoy watching videos like that. And watching people be happy and watching people give is toxic. And it's like, I feel like people want to see that. So like, where's the sin? And like, where's like the bad thing about me wanting to record that? Do you know what I mean?

Right.

And she told me that it's just not a good thing to record. It's not a good look.

Giving your parents money?

And recording it. It's kind of like giving— it's kind of like which— it's kind of like giving a homeless person money and recording it, which is there's I look at it in a way where it's like, okay, that's fucking weird.

Right.

But at the same time, it does, it does. For some people, it does help them like spark something in their mind, like, holy shit, maybe I'm not giving back enough, right? Or something like that. And like, there is such a weird, like, thin line between what's for videos and what, like, I'm actually like doing for her or for my friends or for my family.

Right.

Which is like very frustrating. And like, I can never like explain myself correctly.

That's fascinating because there's no way you can win. Yeah, there's no way to win because the minute you like keep something out for your relationship with Liza, like she'll have to do something for her video, you'll be like, okay, yeah, man, that's, that's rough. So, so what didn't— so the painting, was that an issue?

The painting wasn't an issue at first, but then like she brought it up like 3 weeks later and she's like, so I, I'm not— I'm just wondering, was that painting for me or was it for, was it for the vlog? And like, I mean, I could have made that painting a total different painting and it could have been just for the vlog. Like, it could have been like something that the audience knew what it meant, right? And like, it was, it was a lot deeper than that. And there's like, there's, there's things that I do for her that aren't like in the vlogs, but like, especially that situation, the vlog is what paid for the painting and it helped out those artists, right? Yeah. So it's just like, and I totally get where she's coming from because if she was a daily vlogger and she did shit for me Uh, then she'd be like— then I'd be like, so is this for the vlog or is this for me? I don't know if it would bother me as much.

I noticed too, like, if I like approach— just, I'm just saying Zane because this is— it could, could be anyone though. Like, if I talk to Zane and like I have a camera, it's just completely different than if I don't have a camera.

Yeah.

And I, I— it took me a minute when I started doing this to be like, oh yeah, like, that's fucked up. I can't just If I'm talking to Zane with a camera, it's not really getting— I'm not really talking to Zane.

I have another example of the whole thing I'm trying to get across. Is once I wanted to surprise our friends with tickets to a concert, and someone in our friend group was like, why are you gonna vlog that? Why don't you just surprise them and just like live in the moment? And like, I got pretty upset by that because I was just like—

But that's bullshit. How are you not in the moment? I hate when people say that.

I was like, well, the tickets are— they're getting paid for because of my job, which is a vlogger. And it's just so fun to watch people be happy. That's like the best thing. Like when I'm on YouTube and I'm watching military surprise videos and like videos of people getting puppies and like, it's the best. Those are the best videos on the internet or in the world is when people are happy or surprised by something. And that's why it's so difficult for me to be like, okay, should I broadcast this? Or is this like a thing that it's just between me and this other person?

Whatever, man. I don't think you need both those arguments. I think all you say is, I was like, look, this is— the only way I can do this is if I videotape it. That's it. That's the same thing with my kids when I'm like, there's like a brand deal and they want the kids and they like, and I'm just like, you can't have dinner unless I videotape. Exactly. I have said that.

I'm like, no, you haven't.

No, I've just been like, look, I'm like, I realize you don't want to go do a thing for T-Mobile on like the two days before Christmas, but It's $10,000 and, you know, yeah, I need the money. And then they'll be like, get in this fucking Instagram picture. Get in this fucking Instagram picture. I feel terrible. You think that's bad? No, I think that fucks them up.

I think it's— with kids, I think it's a different story.

I'm not mean about it and they want to do it, but sometimes they're like, okay, no, they don't feel like it.

No, 100%. With kids, I don't understand. I don't— I've never like done that, so I don't know how it goes. But with like other grown-ups and other people. I just don't.

You know that, like, Josh Darnit, Brittlestar, and me have all had that moment of like, fucking get in the video.

Yeah, I've done that with my siblings. I've done that with my siblings. Like, I've— when I used to shoot Vines, yeah, there were times where my brother would be crying.

Yeah.

And my mom would be like, please do this for him, please do this for him. And he was crying just because he was just like shy. And I'm like, I need this. I'm sorry, I need this. And like I'd wait 10 minutes till his tears would dry up and I'd do it again. And like, it's awful, but like, I know that he's going to look back on those videos.

See that? Fine.

Yeah. And he's going to be like, okay, fine. It was worth it. Now I have a clip of me when I was 4 years old and I was a little crybaby.

I had a moment in the— I was doing like a family vlog last Saturday and I said, okay, it's Saturday. Do you know what that means, guys? And then they both go, Family vlog day! Like, no irony, like not being funny at all. And I was like, what?

Like, they were excited? Yeah.

Then I felt like I just totally programmed them.

Oh my God.

I was like, oh shit, family vlog day. And then I was like, I think I made a joke like, oh, oh, I've brainwashed you so well, or something like that. But I was like, I felt bad about it. Oh shit. But what are you gonna do? What do you eat for breakfast?

Nothing.

Don't eat breakfast?

No.

How much you weigh?

165.

That's it?

Yes.

Have you always weighed 165? Do you ever get fat?

For— I'm always— I think my body works in a way where it's like, it's like always average in like the most boring, awful way. Like, if I work out a lot, I can't— I can't—

like, you don't gain muscle?

No, I can't. Yeah, but you must get My face gets skinnier. My face fluctuates so much.

Yeah, it's—

have you noticed that?

Well, I've seen pictures of you when you were like 16, you had a big fat face.

I can show you a picture from yesterday and it looks like I had a fat face, and then today I'll have a slim face.

That's because you only eat once a day and then you eat a lot today.

Twice.

What'd you eat today?

I had Taco Bell and that Chick-fil-A.

How many hours apart?

4.

Fast food twice today.

Chick-fil-A doesn't count as fast food, and Taco Bell, it doesn't count as fast food. It's just beef in a— yeah, okay, that counts as fast food.

I've never had Chick-fil-A. I don't like gay people, so I don't know. Who's your first girlfriend?

My first girlfriend?

Yeah.

Liza.

That was your first girlfriend?

Okay, I had one girlfriend for a month right before.

You didn't have a girlfriend in high school?

No.

Why not?

I just never dated anyone.

Really?

Yeah, I did. Are you gay? I dated a girl. Can I tell you a story? Yeah, I want to tell you a funny story. This is— this— okay, so this girl moved in right next door. This was like way before Liza. Okay, um, way before. I mean like 5 or 6 months before Liza. And my friend, my friend at the time, Mason, had a— he was a roommate and he had a really big crush on this girl. Like really big crush because she was like the girl next door. She just moved in. She was 28 years old. So she was way older than us.

Okay.

And oh my God, I don't know how to tell stories. I'm kind of nervous.

So far, so good.

But we had a party the day we met her and we're like, hey, come to our party. And, and then the party's going on. And then I go up to my friend Mason and I make a joke. I'm like, hey, yo, don't— because we shared a room, right? So I went up to him and I'm like, hey, don't come in there and don't come into our room. I'm going to be hooking up with our neighbor, like as a joke, like just to piss him off. And then he takes his pointer finger and points right to the side of him and she's standing right next to him. They're having— she's listening to what I'm saying. She's staring directly at me and I'm like, oh my God. So I, so I'm like, oh, I'm just kidding. I was talking about the upstairs neighbor. I'm going to go have sex with him. And like, I made like some really cheesy joke and then I freaked out so much. I went to my upstairs neighbor, I knocked on the door and I'm like, hey, I know I don't— I really don't know you, but can I come in? I just need to like, I need to come in. I can't explain. So I went, went into his house, I went to the balcony, and I peered over to under us, and I'm like, hey Mason, look, I'm upstairs having sex with our neighbor, like, just to like end the joke and to make it like really like— I felt so uncomfortable. And then I ended up dating her for a month.

And what was she like?

It was, it was fine. It was that, that relationship reminded me exactly of like what every relationship is like in in, in the world, like, where it doesn't work out. It's just like, it was a month and it was just like, what is this? Why are we doing this?

Is she the one that saw the Illuminati?

No, this, this girl's 28 years old. I was 18 years old.

28?

I was 18.

You like older people?

No, I just, I don't know how I got myself into that situation, but like, she was just like, it was literally, I just, I was just dating her because she was older and she was good looking. There was no connection.

What did she do?

She was a model.

She was a model?

Yeah. And then I was like, and then, yeah, and then we broke up, and then 6 months later I found Liza and like It was such a big difference. And like, I'm scared a lot of people date just to date because that's what I did with the other girl, right? But like, with Liza, it took me like 3 or 4 months to be like, okay, yeah, let's date. Like, I really got to know her, and I didn't just date her because like I just wanted to date her. Like, I, I really got to know her, and then I was like, yeah, let's do this. And then we've been dating ever since, and it's great.

Where did you meet her for the first time?

At a party.

Whose party?

Um, it was at like some pre-VidCon party.

But you knew of her? Like, you've seen her Vines, right?

No, I didn't. That's what was so cool. Oh wow. No, and she came up to me, she's like, hi, I'm Liza. I'm like, hi, I'm David. And then we bonded over the fact that we were both 18 and we couldn't drink beer, and then we just like hit it off from there. And I think Gabby— Gabby told Liza, and she's like, hey, I think David's really interested in you. And then I think that's what like sparked something in Liza, and she's like, oh shit. Someone likes me.

And I think that's why I say that to Gabby. Or did Gabby just say that?

I think Gabby just picked up on it. I was— I was—

you were into her?

I was. I wasn't like crazy into her, but like I was clearly like trying to talk to her like the entire time.

And then I cut you off. And then that sparked something in Liza. What happened?

I think Liza was just like, oh shit, okay, cool, I like him back. I still don't know to this day if she actually liked me.

Yeah, she had a boyfriend for like I don't know, like a year and a half, 2 years. Yeah, back in high school. Yeah.

You ever meet him?

No, I never meet him.

Dude, ever seen a picture?

Yeah, I've seen pictures. Yeah, people— what people do is— I mean, he's just a dude. I don't know, he's not, you know, he's not the most gorgeous man on the planet.

Good vlogger.

A good vlogger. It's Jake Paul.

She dated Jake Paul before. You're kidding. No, no, I'm just kidding. Okay, so then he started to be friends with her. You left the VidCon party. You hung out with her at VidCon, came back to LA, and then you just start texting her, like, sort of like the same way you text Gabby, like, what's up, what's up, that kind of thing?

No, no, no, no, no. We like really hit it off really quick.

Oh, really?

Like it took 2 or 3 days where it was just like, whoa, we like each other, like boom. And then, and then there was like this weird thing where like we were like maybe 2 months in or like a month in, I don't even remember, but we were like, we were like contemplating dating. We were kind of like, maybe we should just be friends because like our work is like tricky, you know, because we both do like internet and we didn't want to mix it. And then it just got to the point where I was just like, wait, like I don't want to hang out with anyone but you. So then we just started dating and it was—

And you guys already hooked up or no?

Yeah, yeah, no, we hooked up a little bit. Yeah, before.

And so then you had a real conversation like, yeah, probably should just be friends because we're both internet people.

Yeah, it was like a really— like, that's my favorite part about my relationship with Liza is it was like really like slow moving, and it was like perfect, you know? Like, we didn't jump into anything, and it was super natural, and it felt so good. As opposed to my first relationship and my only relationship where I was just like, I'm gonna date you just because I'm gonna date you and make my roommate jealous. Like, you know?

Right. Damn, that's so nice. Yeah, that's amazing.

It's such a cliché, like, start to relationship.

And then, and then what happened? Like, how's it progressed? What was the next— what were the next steps?

Telling the internet. I think that was the next step.

I wasn't around for that. What happened?

It was just like we kept it a secret for like, I don't know, 3 months, I think.

Yeah.

And then we were like, yeah, I guess we should tell them because it's just weird keeping something like that from people, especially when I'm vlogging like every day or every other day.

How did they find out?

Well, we told them. We Instagrammed them or we Instagrammed a picture of us and it was a bunch of calendars and Liza's really punny. so we were landing on. We were. We were laying on a bunch of calendars, and the caption was, we're dating.

Get it?

Date. Teresa's like, okay, that's all the time we have for today.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We got some good stuff here.

No, but yeah, that's how we started dating.

Wow. And then when. And then how's it changed since you both became, I don't know, more successful?

I think we just got more busy. And it's just like, now it's just like figuring out, because we used to hang, we used to have a lot of free time, right? And now it's like balancing, like, because I don't see her a lot anymore. I still see her every day, but as opposed to like seeing her throughout the day, all day, because we've gotten just so much more busy. She's filming a show, I'm doing this, and yeah.

And so it must be like when you get, get with her, you guys kind of knew each other before you were super successful, that must be really nice.

Yeah.

In other words, if you met her now—

Yeah, it'd be tricky.

It'd be so tricky.

That's what I hate. I'm like, if I met Liza now, I'd totally be into her because she's Liza and I love her. But where do I— She's so big on the internet that it's just like— Do you know what I mean?

Uh-huh. Well, I feel that way when she walks in the room and I think of an idea and I'm like, oh God.

She hates that.

What?

She hates that. She hates that.

Like, if you hold back around her.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

Don't do that at all.

It's not— it's not that, but it—

but hold on.

I think what will happen—

I think we didn't finish the, like, statement. It's just— just explain from your side. Like, it is— it is, like, weird.

Like, if it's just weird, it's just like—

it just looks like you're just trying to, like, hop on the Liza train.

Are you— are you trying to hop on the line? Yeah. Am I trying to hop on the Liza train?

And that's— I'm so happy that we, like, started dating before that for that reason.

Jesus, because timing is everything in life, man. Timing is everything.

Because before she became Beyoncé, it was a lot easier. And like now, oh my God, she'd be— if she was single right now, she'd be dating Leonardo DiCaprio. So I'm thankful I snatched her up before, uh, before the real players got her.

Everything works out for you. Someone crashes your car, you make a hit video out of it. You slice your hand open, you make a hit video out of it. Got your girlfriend before she got famous.

That's what's so great about vlogging is big disasters turn into big successes. Yeah, that's what's so amazing.

That's pretty powerful. Yeah, it's really powerful because there's so many people in the world that would be like, my car got hit, my hand got sliced open. It's so amazing. Like, it's amazing.

Like, if, you know, if I'm, if I'm getting a life-threatening disease, like, that's my storyline now. Like, I have a life-threatening disease, and like, I know some people are gonna be like, it's fucking disgusting. Like, how can you like glorify this disease you have. But like, it's like, if I ever do get a disease, it'll be a part of my videos and it'll be a joke and it'll be, it'll be just like another object in my videos to punch and to play at.

I like it.

That's how I always want it to be. I think that's all the time we have.

I think it's all the time we have. We don't have much time left on the tape. I feel like we didn't goof around enough. I think we got way too serious.

That was really serious.

Really serious. But that's good though. You have some serious episodes. I think we gotta switch. I just gotta switch this room up. Yeah, it's not good.

Yeah, guys, we apologize for the seriousness of that broadcast.

No, the people will love it.

Is it a broadcast or podcast?

If this is a podcast, if it was all over different stations, it would be a broadcast. It would be cast broadly.

Well, thank you guys for listening. Make sure you tune in next week. I'm David Dobrik. You can find me on Twitter @DavidDobrik. And that's it. That's all the time we have.

Bye, guys. Wait a minute, what about my plugs?

Bye! No, and that's Jason Nash. Find him.

Yeah, I'm on there. And I want to say thank you guys for listening to the podcast. And because really now David is forced to work with me. So I appreciate that.

He's finally locked me down. It's like proposing to me. He's got me in the bag. All right, bye guys.