Giving My Penis To Science

What's up guys, welcome to Views, um, the podcast where David's trying to build a pool.

Whoa, you literally stole my line.

Go ahead, go say it.

No, no, no, just forget it. If you don't want to, if you don't want to take this podcast seriously, if you don't want to follow the structure we have built for ourselves—

I've been here since 11 o'clock, it is 1:28. Dima and I have been here for 2 and a half hours waiting for you to put that mic up to your stupid fat idiot face.

I was resting, you dumb fuck.

Yeah, and I was nice about it. I even came in, was like, hey bud, you want to take another 15 minutes? You're like, yo, be good. And you took another 45.

You know how difficult it is to talk to you? I need all the sleep I can get, motherfucker.

Oh, I know it's so hard being you with your fans that love you and adore you everywhere you go. Me, me, me.

Yeah, does it make you feel better to put yourself down by complimenting me? Does it make you feel better?

I didn't put myself down. I was just saying you're being a huge baby.

Someone should put you down.

Oh, okay, maybe someone should put you down in a crib. How about that?

Why, because I'm a little baby?

Yeah, you are a cute Goddamn, so fucking cute little baby. I'll put a diaper on you.

That's nice. Oh, you want to take care of me?

That'd be the first. I do, I want to take care of you until you die. That means I'm in love with you, you got it?

That'd be the first kid you'd be taking care of.

Oh, are you kidding me?

Yes.

I'll tell you something, Dima is picking up Wyatt at 4:20 so I can be with you, so I can take care of my other baby, David Goo Goo Dobrik. Is that your middle name, Goo Goo? Or no?

You just took it too far by calling me David Goo Goo Dobrik. All right, roll intro music. Hi guys, this is the Views Podcast. Sorry about that intro. Whatever. Who gives a fuck? Um, no, but sorry about that intro. Uh, the other day I was actually in, uh, I was outside my hotel room and I don't know how, but people find out where our hotel is.

I mean, I guess probably the Snapchats you put out. Yeah, probably the ones that come with huge landmarks in the background, like the Empire State Building and St. Patrick's Cathedral. Well, yeah, I mean, okay, that'll do it.

I like posting the views anyway. Yeah, that gives it away. So then we go downstairs and there's usually people there and, um, and the room very, very nice. The other day, someone brought me Chipotle.

Cool.

Which is great, I love Chipotle.

Unless it's roofied.

Exactly, but you have to be careful because even the sweetest, sweetest person can be there to kill you.

You didn't eat it, did you?

So Joe told me, Joe's like, don't eat it, don't eat it. He's like, I know how much you love Chipotle. So I'm like, I'm not gonna eat it, are you crazy, are you fucking crazy? And then 3 AM comes around and I wake up from my sleep and I'm fucking starving and I go into the kitchen and all they have is like Snickers and Pringles in the fridge at the hotel.. And then there's one light on in the living room and it's right over the dinner table and it's shining on the bag of Chipotle. Sorry. I'll show this, but everywhere. Sorry. So I'm like, okay. So I'm like, either God wants me to be poisoned or I just have to eat this. So I, so I opened the bag and I squeezed the burrito to make sure it doesn't have any razor blades in it first. And there wasn't anything in it. So I ate it. I ate the entire fucking thing. And then I sat there for like 30 seconds. Like I just sat there, like I was waiting for an earthquake. I was like, I was waiting for my body to shut down. 'cause I was like, oh my God, I wonder when the poison is gonna kick in. And nothing happened after 30 seconds, so I'm like, okay, like if you're gonna get poisoned, it's probably gonna happen right away, right? Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah. So I was in the clear.

Yeah.

So thank you, Amy, for bringing me that burrito.

That unpoisoned burrito.

No, but you never know.

I'll take the, uh, the burrito. Hold the anthrax.

We also visited where John Lennon was shot.

We rode right by the Dakota.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The Dakota. Is it an apartment building? Yes.

Really nice apartment building, huh?

Yeah, it's a really nice apartment building, and John Lennon was killed by one of his supporters.

He was killed by a fan, yeah.

Yeah, someone who loved him.

A deranged fan, Mark David Chapman.

Did the fan kill himself afterwards?

No, he went to jail. He's still in jail.

Oh, get the fuck out! Yeah. Did he explain why he killed him?

I— he— yeah. Yeah, he did. Why? I mean, I don't know. I don't— it wasn't like a good reason that made sense, but yeah, he— I wasn't expecting me to go, "Oh, okay, yeah." Yeah, I mean, I don't remember the reason, but he's— He's not well in the head, this guy.

Yeah, that's crazy. But he loved John Lennon, that's why he killed him.

He definitely was a fan.

That's so interesting. We drove by and we're like, is this— I rolled my window down. There was a bellman right outside of it. And I asked, I was like, is this where John Lennon was killed? And he was like, yes, I'm so sorry, sir. It was weird, they were apologizing.

He had a stock answer, yeah.

Yeah, they were apologizing.

Yeah, well, a lot of people come there to ask. And he told us we'd go to the memorial a minute away, right?

It was an answer that he looked like he gives 50 times a day. Yeah, but it was interesting. He apologized as if John Lennon was like a close friend. I was like, oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you for apologizing. It's really, that's fucking terrifying.

Are you a big fan of John Lennon?

I love the Beatles. You do?

Yeah. I didn't know that about you.

My mom only had one CD in her car.

Which one?

Well, guess, take a guess.

Ah, Sgt.

Pepper's? No, it was ABBA. Okay. So all she had was ABBA. Oh, that's funny. So that was the only thing that was played. We also had like a radio that also played CDs.

Yeah.

And this was like the most high-tech thing we had in the house. Yeah. So we played ABBA, and my dad had, I think, 2 albums. And it was Paolo Nutini, and it was The Beatles. Paolo Nutini. And it was The Beatles. So every time it would be like chores day, you'd hear The Beatles playing downstairs.

OK, David, time to clean the garage. You want to hear—

"Let It Be" or "Imagine"? Or Paolo Nutini. Yeah, so that would play downstairs. So those are the only 2 groups that I would hear all the time.

Did you ever go out and buy CDs?

No, I never buy CDs.

Why?

I was at an age where you could start like downloading them. Were you buying CDs and tapes?

Yeah, back in my day, my friends would go in. They used— the CDs used to come in long boxes and they would go in with razor blades and cut the boxes and then pull the CDs out.

Oh, like you'd steal them?

Yeah, I, I wouldn't, but I had friends that would.

That's something.

I had some crazy friends. Yeah, yeah, I was definitely the guy that was like, I don't know, guys.

What would your friends do?

They would go in with razor blades and they would steal CDs, which I thought was nuts.

Wait, what do you mean razor blades? Like to threaten the people working there?

No, They wouldn't hold up the Tower Records. CDs used to come in these long boxes, and they would cut the box and then pull the CD out.

And where would they find the CD boxes? Like in the back storage of where?

No, they were fresh out in the store. They would do it in the store.

Oh wow. Yeah. And they would just run out with them? That's crazy. And then another member of the Beatles, you said also got stabbed? You said George Harrison got stabbed?

We pulled into last night, that blew my mind you didn't know that. Yeah, George Harrison.

Yeah, I didn't know he got stabbed.

I gotta check that out and make sure. I know he was stabbed, I'm not sure if that's how it killed him. I think that's how he died.

You know what would be really fun is if every time we said something that was completely wrong. Yeah, it changed.

Yeah. Like that movie Yesterday.

Yeah. Like if George Harrison actually just passed away, like, like just out of old age.

George Harrison died 2001. The cause of death is listed: metastatic non-small— oh, he had lung cancer, but he was stabbed, but he didn't die from the stabbing.

Oh my God. Jason last night told me that he was stabbed to death.

Yeah. No, I got that wrong, guys.

Could you, could you imagine every time we say something, it's like, that's the news now, guys. Recent reporting just found out that George Harrison was actually stabbed.

Yeah, it's really bad they let us have a podcast.

Joe was telling me that the Beatles were only a group for 6 years.

Yeah, that was what he said.

Which also could be wrong, but that's insane. I heard they stopped playing. Is this true? They stopped playing because people would be screaming so much that they couldn't hear themselves play the music?

Yeah, I heard that.

That's insane. Yeah. That's insane.

It's like the View's tour. Guys, I can't hear David. Stop.

We can't do this, dude.

We're going to have to break up.

Jonah made me so angry yesterday. What did he do? Jonah yesterday. I don't know what we were talking about, what made him say this. Yeah, but he goes, the vlog squad's like the Beatles of YouTube. I wanted to fucking— I wanted to strangle him. I was like, don't ever compare the Beatles to us. Don't ever do them such a disservice and fucking—

he made me so mad yesterday.

Drag their name through the mud like that. I was like, I can't believe that came out of his mouth.

No, what prank?

We were like, we were standing around at your job yesterday that you were doing, and we're just standing there like killing time waiting for you, and Natalie decides to do a prank on me, which I'm all for. And she goes, yeah, there's a layover in Texas tonight, like that. And I, because we were flying from New York to LA, and I was like, huh? I was like, oh. And then Joe like picks up on Natalie's thing and he's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a layover in Texas tonight. And I was like, fuck, no way. And then right at that moment you walked up and you go, what, there's a fucking layover in Texas tonight? And Natalie goes, ah, ah, abort, abort, abort. And I was like, what's going on? And then Natalie tried to blame it on me. She goes, it was a joke, it was a joke. Because you're like, Natalie, what the fuck? What do you mean there's a fucking layover in Texas tonight?

Yeah, I remember that.

That was pretty funny.

Wait, what did— I remember this. So Jonah was saying your style was ugly.

I bought some clothes and he's just He said it so mean too. He goes, you have the worst sense of style, dude. The worst. I mean, I don't even know.

Yeah, but then what did he do when you turned the camera on?

Oh, oh, yes. So then I was like, then I turned the camera on to vlog it to get you guys to like say like you hated the clothes. And Jonah was like, I love it. I absolutely love the clothes. Such bullshit. Because nobody wants to like be on camera like being nasty to me.

Sure. Yeah. It's crazy, like traveling with Jonah. It's crazy how difficult it is. Yeah. It's one of the most difficult things in the world.

And when you lose him for a couple minutes, you think, oh, this is it. This is our entire day now. Yeah. Because he's not going to come back. Yeah, 100%. I mean, we left him. Jeff and I left him in Miami. I felt really bad about it.

Oh, because he missed the flight? Yeah. Where did you make that decision? Because we had— we woke up, we had to go to the event. We were like, Jonah, you have to get down here. The car is here waiting for us. Right. And he's like, I'm coming. I'm packing my bag.

Right.

And we waited like 4 minutes. The car was there. The driver had to go. We were going to be late. And we had to make the decision to leave him as well. So we left him.

Oh, you did leave him?

Yeah, we left him as well.

Jeff had lost his wallet in Miami, and he had to go to the airport. He had to be there like 2 hours, 3 hours early so he could actually fly. So we're just sitting there, we're calling him, and then he's like, we gotta go, man. And, and, and then I felt really bad, and Jeff was like, no, no, this is what we need to do for him. We need to teach him a lesson.

So you gotta leave him. Yeah. This is kind of random, but I think 50 First Dates is one of the best movies of all time.

Okay, we were talking about this. I agree, I love Adam Sandler. I love watching his movies. I think he's hilarious. I would not say 50 First Dates is one of the greatest movies of all time.

Why would you not say that?

Because there's just movies that are better, that than 50 First Dates.

I understand, okay, we can argue about this.

This is something you probably don't want on the podcast because people are gonna fucking annihilate you on Twitter.

No, no, no, I will stand by this, I will stand by this. Okay, you can go in and you can go, you know, Scorsese movies and Quentin Tarantino movies are great movies, 'cause they're incredible.

Yeah, 12 Years a Slave.

Yes, it's an incredible movie. They're beautiful movies, right? But I think 50 First Dates, like for what entertainment is, is like a prime example of like a movie, like a movie you can just literally sit down Everybody loves it, it's a universally loved movie.

But that's not the definition of best movie of all time.

No, I said it's one of the best movies of all time. And when I say this, I think there's 200 movies that are the best movies of all time.

Oh, it's one of the top 200 movies now, 'cause when you said best movie of all time earlier, that means number one.

I said it's one of the best movies of all time.

One of the best.

You don't agree, you don't think it's in the top 200?

I don't think 50 First Dates is in the top 200 movies of all time, and I can get a lot of people in here to back me up on this.

I would want, bring everybody in here that could back you up on this, because they are wrong.

You know what, you know, the only thing you have going for you right now is fucking Natalie. When you said it earlier, I was like, oh yeah, agreed.

Natalie, what do you think?

I think it's like, it's something that like you can turn on and everybody will just watch. It's like something you can—

It's so, it's such a, it's in Hawaii. Okay, well, if you're gonna bring that up— Just listen, just listen. It takes place in Hawaii.

Did you see Hawaii Five-O? I love that.

Top 200 shows for sure.

You just wanna go to Hawaii.

No, no, no, it's in Hawaii. It's Adam Sandler in like the best era of Adam Sandler.

Sure.

It's Drew Barrymore, who's a beautiful girl.

He's a guy in the movie who like, girls come to town and he just dates them and then leaves them, right?

That's the plot. He's a cool guy who's not the best, he's not like the best looking, he's not a Brad Pitt, Clooney. He's just like a relatable dude who's really charming, who's funny, and he falls for a girl who loses, fuck, who literally forgets about him every day. It's such a fucking incredible plot, and every day He has to get her to fall in love with him. If you guys don't know what 50 First Dates is, which is fucking crazy, it's a movie where this girl has short-term memory loss and every day she forgets that she's in love with Adam Sandler. So Adam Sandler every day has to remind her why she's in love with him, and it's so fucking great.

Okay, now I'm gonna say something that's gonna make you really angry.

Oh, come on, bring it, motherfucker.

I've never seen 50 First Dates.

Oh, what the fuck? What? You dumb fuck.

But I still stand by that I don't think it's in the top 10 movies of all time?

Set 200.

Okay, 200.

And you've never seen it?

I've never seen it. What? It's a— I didn't know. The other day it was on, about 2 weeks ago, and I watched the first 5 minutes. It was really funny.

It's incredible. Is it?

It's— maybe you're winning me over here. I mean, let's put it on. Fuck the podcast, guys. Is it okay if we do like a 12-minute podcast this week? Cuz we're gonna go watch 50 First Dates.

It really— it truly is It truly is. It's so— I— okay, with another movie I love is Just Go With It. It's a movie that also coincidentally has Adam Sandler in it and takes place in Hawaii. It's a movie with Jen Aniston. Yeah, when you part— when you pair up— I love movies where you pair up a beautiful girl like Jen Aniston, who's funny, who's fucking charming, and like a woman like Drew Barrymore with someone who's like Adam Sandler, who isn't the sexiest guy in Hollywood. I love that because it's so fun watching, like, it's relatable. It's like watching like the everyday guy try to go for like the hot girl, the hot girl. Like, it's the best. And that's why those movies are so great.

I guess that's kind of your life.

You have to, you have to, have to watch. Yeah, it's so good.

All right, we'll have to watch the screen.

No, let's watch it tonight.

We have a vlog to make, but okay.

No, I will. No, no, no, no, let's call iPic. We'll rent out a theater for you to watch it.

You have to see. I don't know if they could get the print.

I can't believe you haven't seen this. You're an asshole.

I hate you. Who are you, Martin Scorsese? You're gonna rent out a theater for you to watch it?

Yeah, 'cause we'll make like a big deal out of it. We will?

Yeah. Okay.

And you'll give me your review. You can vlog it. I'll do this. This is all for your vlog.

Okay. Oh, oh wow, okay.

Are you all right?

Let's move on.

Feeling okay? I'm feeling angry that you haven't seen 50 First Dates.

I'm sorry, I apologize. I probably shouldn't. I should not, you're right. I should not say that 50 First Dates is not one of the best movies of all time having not seen it. Yes. But am I, okay, let's move on.

Jason hired a new assistant.

Is this true? It is true.

It's my hometown friend. Yeah.

Dima. It's kind of weird how we do things around here, huh?

Yeah, we just pluck people from my hometown.

Like, he's here. He's here. He's working for me. Literally, it's Dima, who's been in your videos. Yeah. He's a great guy, and he wanted to come and work here, and I'm just baffled by it. I can't believe he's here.

I'm baffled by it too. I can't believe you gave him a job. Here he is. Dima, say hello.

Hello everyone. Thank you for having me on the podcast.

He's been doing great, although today, he does do these weird things from time to time, which I know you can relate to, 'cause he's like, he's running down stuff today. I'm like, okay, cool. Good, good, good. Yeah. And then he goes, and then he goes, oh, and by the way, um, Irma, when she comes to clean, I, um, I offered her water the other day, so like that's okay to do, right?

I fucking hate that about him.

Yeah, I was like, what? Yeah, get her water. If you order coffee for everyone, order coffee for her. Like, Irma's the best. She's like, treat her like gold. He's like, yeah, okay, well, I thought so. I just didn't want you to be mad that I gave her a water, bro.

He fucking does that to me at my house all the time.

Isn't that weird?

He goes, the other day, the other day he goes, I'm going to go, can I grab a water from your fridge? And I go, and this was like the first time he asked, so I'm like, that's totally fine. I literally said, take whatever you want, anytime, just take it. Yeah. And then, and then a week later he's back at my house, he goes, hey dude, is it cool if I grab a water? And like, and like, if you guys have been to my house, it's like there's millions of waters in that fridge. Like, I won't notice if you take 10. Yeah. And I was like, do you mind Dima, it's fine. Go ahead, take the water. Please don't ask again.

Yeah, and someone else fills them up.

You don't even put them in. Yeah, so it's totally fine. Grab the waters. And then again, literally the next day, he goes, hey dude, I know you don't like me asking, but can I, can I take a water? And I'm like, Dima, for you, for you to not ask again, I don't care if my fucking fridge is missing. Next time, just take the entire fridge. Take the kitchen out of my fucking house. Remove the cabinets. Steal my fucking stove. Yeah, just stop asking me about the waters.

It's such a funny, it's such a funny quality because when someone's like polite like that, it's usually a good thing.

I don't even know if it's polite. Yeah, it's just like, it's like, why are you asking me this so many times? Just literally just take it. I don't care if he's running a soup kitchen out of my fucking living room at this point. Just don't ask, just go.

And he edited the podcast this week, and I heard he— how many times did he come in and ask you questions? Yeah, he was editing the podcast, he's editing the podcast, which he did a good job.

He did a good job. Yeah, thank you guys. And he'd come, and he'd come to me, and he, and he'd be like, are you sure you want this part in the podcast? And I'm like, yes, it's fine. And he— and then you go, okay, okay. Okay, and then, and then you'd go back to editing and you come back again and go, yo man, I just re-listened to it. Are you sure? Because I don't know, I don't know if people should know all this. And I was like, it's fine, that's the point of the podcast. And you keep coming back and forth like asking me questions. I don't know, it's— it— Dima's fun.

What was he like in high school?

What was he like in high school?

You're the same grade, right?

Yeah, we're in the same grade. I didn't really talk to him that much. We didn't talk that much in high school. Oh, you didn't? No.

Well, then why the fuck did I hire him?

I don't know. I thought that was strange too. I didn't know him that well. No, I knew—

I thought he was like your bud.

No, I— yeah, yeah, I got— I got— I got really close to him after high school. Okay. Yeah, me and David—

you mean after you left for LA?

Yes, because that's when Ilya and him started to hang out more. Uh, and I would come by and he's like, I'm bringing by Dima. And at first I was very like, I don't know about Dima, like, I don't know about this guy. And then we would hang out with him and I was I was like, what is wrong with this kid? And you know, I like people that don't make any sense. So I started to get more excited when he'd bring Dima around. And that's how I got to know Dima. Dima, do you have any stories from us in high school?

Actually, yeah, I do remember I was in gym and— Oh God. This was when Vine was very popular and you weren't like that popular, but you were still kind of blowing up. You were like a semi-high school legend. And actually for me, I didn't have any type of smartphone. I was the only kid in our high school without a smartphone until like senior year.

Year.

Sure. So I didn't know what, like, what the big hype was, but you snuck into my gym class and we had a cool teacher, so he didn't care.

Like, really, you can bring drugs and he'd be like, that's cool, just don't let me see it.

He just didn't want us to make a mess.

Sure. A lot of cool teachers.

Oh yeah, I think, like, I always say this, the most important part of school is having cool teachers. If you have stuck-up teachers, they're not going to want to fucking learn. No one's going to want to take you seriously. They're just going to hate you. They're going to hate the process. We had all cool teachers. That's why I loved my high school, because every teacher there was like, like, young, cool, and the older ones were— they were just with it. Like, they understood. Like, like, you don't— you treat kids like your friends, right? And then they'll treat you with respect, huh? Because they'll be like, oh, this person's treating— anyway, yeah, continue.

We had, uh, like some game going on and nobody cared about it, so the teacher was just like, okay, whatever, you guys can do whatever you want, have a free period. So we just ran around, and then David walked in with one other guy, and he's like, okay, I'm recording this Vine. Okay. Yeah, so I remember there was this guy named Ben and this guy named Michael, and he wanted to make this Vine of like a fight going on and there's people around it and then he brings up the phone and is recording this fight, but instead of like an actual fight, it's rock-paper-scissors.

Oh yeah, basically it was like, fight, fight, fight! Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a classic joke, you've probably seen it millions of times. Sure. And then you pan to them and they're actually just playing rock-paper-scissors. No one's actually fighting.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, but I remembered like 3 weeks later, David came up to me and he's like, hey, I need 4 ski masks. And I'm like, that would be such a weird question if I didn't know what Vine was and if I didn't know that he was the one doing this. Sure. Sure enough, I had ski masks in my house.

You did? Yeah. Why'd you have ski masks? Because it's so cold in Chicago?

No, yeah, we got them at like Goodwill or something because, you know, we didn't have hats at the time. And I told my mom I want to go get a hat, and I went to Goodwill because, well, I was poor and I wanted to get a hat, and I got this hat from there.

Dima's a next-level storyteller, by the way.

And they were like normal hats.

You can actually buy the master class of storytelling.

From Dima.

From Dima, yeah.

How to Tell Stories.

Yeah, it's really great. It's Steve Martin, Martin Scorsese, and Dima. They teach a class together.

They all talk about how to create.

Yeah, Steve Martin handles like Broadway, and then Martin Scorsese's film, and then Dima's just—

Just day-to-day life.

Yeah.

So Dima, what was the point of the first part of the story?

That was when I—

Where you were talking about the gym class thing.

David said the funniest thing yesterday. We were driving home and he goes, Jason, you should try to go on a trip with Dima. Zima and Jonah and vlog it and see how it goes.

Dream team. Okay.

So dream team.

Okay. So the ski mask, sorry, I don't want to cut you off from your story.

So I brought that up because that's when, that's when you were really starting to take Vine seriously. Yes. And I started taking nothing seriously. So we were both, you know, in the same position. And that's when I realized that we had no freaking classes together. You and I had no classes together ever.

Yeah. We had none.

Oh, weird.

It was just a coincidence. I mean, whatever, but they kept the dumb kids and the smart kids separate. Yeah, it was weird why they separated us. Should have both been in the dumb kid section. But we did, uh, we started doing Vines more and then, uh, so you helped him with his Vines? Like 2. It wasn't that big of a deal, but you were cast in those Vines?

You were like, I think I was the one of them.

Yeah, we were just doing them like casually and, um, and then high school was over and then David moved to LA.

Yeah. And what'd you do?

Gave up on everything.

Did you really? Did you feel that way?

No, I gave up on everything way before that.

Oh, you did? Yeah. Well, what about now? Now you haven't given up. You've got your butt out here. You got a job with a really good-looking guy.

Yeah, I actually am excited. I mean, I guess I am kind of lucky having to be Jason's assistant, because that's like the most credible and wise person in this entire group out of everyone. Sure. And I think the experience that I'm going to be able to get from this is going to be very good. Jason's really helping me out with everything.

Dima, where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Yeah, good question.

Probably far away from you.

I have a feeling in about a couple months we're going to lose Dima, and we're not going to see him for like a couple decades. Oh really? Yeah, he seems like that type of guy.

Okay David, so I, um, I met this recruiter. Yeah. And, uh, this is what he asked people to hire them.

These are job recruiting questions.

Yeah, job recruiting questions.

You want to know how I'd answer them? Yeah.

Okay, go. Here we go. Who'd you look up to when you were a kid and why the most?

Who did I look up to?

Yeah.

Um, probably my friends.

Gotta be one person. Oh wait, oh, I guess you can say your friends.

Yeah, my friends.

You—

that's who you looked up to?

Yeah. When you were 13 years old, you looked up to Ilya? You didn't look up to like an adult?

No, I learned most from my friends.

Really? Give me an example of one of your friends that you like look up to and something that they did that you're like, huh, you learned from them.

Well, I wish I would have a bunch of different friends and they would all have different senses of humor and I feel like I would like take a lot of different jokes from each person. Oh, that's so interesting.

Who was funnier than you in high school?

Who's funnier than me? Yeah.

I don't know.

I mean, there was, I don't think any, I don't think any of us were funnier than another person, but everyone had like a defined sense of humor. Like everyone had like one thing that they were known for. Like there was like the goofy kid who was like straight up like the class clown, and he was like— and then there's one guy who only would make like perverted jokes and like sexual jokes. There was one guy who would, you know, just, just make like punny jokes and wouldn't do anything other than that. Like everyone had their thing and like everyone would appreciate them for their own thing. And I, and I adopted—

I feel like a bit of a sponge.

Like, yeah, I like— I, I learned a lot from my friends, um, from just hanging out with them.

That's so interesting. Yeah, it's so interesting that your answer is based on comedy, solely on comedy and nothing else.

It's not comedy, it's personality.

Oh, personality.

I guess Ilya and I— Ilya and I are a lot alike, like super alike. Yeah, when it comes to like how seriously we take things and like we don't get angry about things and like, um, yeah, just like we have more fun with things and we like laugh at more things.

Like you guys will literally flip a coin on something and if it lands there you have to do what it is no matter how crazy it is. Like fly to LA right now. Yeah, and you flip the coin and then you go.

Yeah, we're very similar in that. I think that's something we took from each other. But yeah, who inspired you as a kid?

My mother.

Why did she inspire you?

She just, she just was— she just worked, like, took care of the family. She like worked long hours. My father was like not working at all, and my father wasn't around. My mother just like took over everything and was just like always there. She would do it all. She would, she would work and then come home and like drive my friends to the movies and then wait in the car until we got out of the movies and then—

Oh, she was one of those moms?

She was one of those moms.

She'd sit outside the movie theater? Yeah. And wait for you to finish the movie?

Yeah, it would be like, hey, you wanna go to the movies? Like, will your mom drive? No, no, no. And then like, Mom, will you drive and pick up? She's like, yeah.

I have a friend whose mom would drop him off at parties. Yeah. And she'd sit outside in the car reading a book until the party was over and she'd drive him home.

Did that ostracize him in any way? Did it make him feel weird?

No, it was really interesting. I don't know if we talked about this on the podcast. I feel like I should say this because I feel like this is a really important thing to know. If your kids ever, like if you ever have kids and they wanna start drinking, Like, tell your kids to call you when they're fucking hammered.

Yeah.

And don't, and don't like scold them for it. Like, I feel like that was a really like important thing in high school is like, there was a lot of kids in my, in my, in my class that were scared to tell their parents they were drinking. Sure. And then they were like, do I drive home right now? Like, how the fuck do I— there was an Uber. How the fuck do I get home? Like, I'm drunk but I can't call my family. And like, now some kids were driving home drunk. Yeah, because they were scared. But the kids that weren't scared to call their parents would be like, hey mom, I'm fucked up, please come pick me up. Yeah, then you're— then you're— then your parents are picking you up. Don't pick your kids up and be like, what the fuck did you do? Why the fuck are you drinking? Because then they'll never call you again. And then the worst case scenario is they're driving drunk or they're doing something stupid.

I think that's great what you're saying, but the version I always see is like the parents like being like drinking with their kids, you know what I mean? Like being like too pro-alcohol. Oh yeah, like the cool parents.

I don't know, I think you can— I think you could drink.

Did you have that in high school?

Yeah, where people drank with their kids.

Parents try to party with you?

Um, yeah, there's what I do with dads that would come down to the basement all the time and would just be like— they'd be like, ah, keg stand, let's see somebody hit that. And then the kids would be like, you hit it, you hit it, Mr. Anderson! And then he'd be like, ah, no, I don't know if I can. I don't know. Okay, fuck it, I'll do it.

Lift me up. You guys got my legs?

Yeah, you definitely have those kids, and you, you definitely have those parents that made the cool basement dance just for their kids, right? Like, those are the— those are—

did you have any friends that hook up with your parents' mom?

Like, moms? No, never had. Never had nothing. But, um, but in my neighborhood it was a very popular thing. Not in my neighborhood, sorry. It was in my— in my school, it's a very popular thing for the parents to cheat on each other with other parents.

So they used to swing a lot.

Yeah, a lot of them. But they— but they wouldn't know, but the kids would know.

What?

Yeah, I don't know how the kids would find out, but I guess the kids would find out because some of the parents were over and Yeah.

Really?

So that was like a thing.

Ooh, Vernon Hills.

Yeah, Vernon Thrills is what they call it. No, but yeah, there were definitely kids that would drink with their parents. But I remember my neighbor— I've told this on the podcast before, I think. My neighbor, he was talking about his kids. He's like, when my kids turn 16, I'm going to put everything out on the table for them— alcohol, drugs, whatever. Be like, go ahead, try it.

Yeah.

Because I want to be super open with them, which maybe wasn't the best way.

What's this, Dad? What's this? This is cool. Black tar heroin.

Yeah, you're right. That's not— I don't think they took it that far. I think they meant like alcohol and like vodka. Right. But I think it's really important to have an open conversation. Be the cool— I think in any situation, be the cool person in whatever you do, wherever you work, whether you're the boss at a company, whether you're the teacher, or whether you're a parent figure, be the friend to the person. Be friendly to everybody and make them feel like you're friends because they'll respect you more. Like, I don't think there needs to be like this like strong divide where you're like a fucking like where you're a dictator to everybody. Like, people loved Obama. I feel like people loved Obama because he was like—

Is this really coming out of your mouth? You're literally the fucking dictator around here.

What are you saying? Yeah, well, I do that because it's a blast. No, but like people liked Obama because he was so relatable.

Yeah.

And he was like, a cool guy. He almost seemed like he was like— he'd be one of your friends. Yeah, he did. And I—

but, but you wished you knew him.

Yeah, but you still respected him. Of course, for that reason. And that's why I love my high school teachers, is because I respected them so much, because they were so cool. And I wanted to be that cool person. Like, I wanted to be like, wow, you're a fucking teacher and you like— and you like talk to us like we're your friends.

Like, that's sick.

Interesting. I hope when I'm old I'm just like you.

Like, I think that's how you feel about me. You say yourself, I hope I'm just like Jason when I get older.

Yeah, when I get older I want just like you, Jay.

I love David. He wouldn't even put the mic up to his mouth on that line. I think I tried to like pull it away from you. Hey, were you serious about—

I want to be just like you, Jason.

I went and got my, um, I went and got my, my penis worked on today.

Oh, you still do that?

Yeah, I went back.

Yeah, that's where they— that's where they— we got to explain what that is because people that don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, I got my penis worked on.

Yeah, that's not explaining what's going on.

Yeah, no, I know.

Um, no, I get, I get these like, uh, I thought you were gonna say it again. You would have fucking driven me nuts. Oh yeah, I got my penis worked on.

No, you know, when you get a little bit older, David, you know, your penis is not as— but yeah, yeah, you're not as virile as maybe you might be.

I'm already there. I'm peeing out of my butthole.

Oh no. Yeah, maybe you should go. Maybe. Anyways, we've done it in the videos where we go and they— the woman puts this jackhammer around your area.

He basically goes to make his penis more bigger, alive, more alive.

Natalie, can you go out of the room for this section of the podcast?

Natalie's actually here just for this section of the podcast.

So anyways, I go in, you know, I finally like— the woman who does it every week is like, I close my eyes while she does it. We talk about like kid stuff, like having kids.

That's nice though, because she does it all the time, so she's already used to seeing your penis.

Yeah, so now I'm finally through to the point where I'm not embarrassed anymore, 100%, because it's a horror show down there. Yeah, today One day she brings in an intern from USC. Yeah, not an intern, but like a new person she's training, I guess. She's like, this is Alondra. And I was like, whoa. And I already— I'm already on the table with the, the paper sheet like over me. So they both walked in and I was— I said that— I said the exact same joke. I was like, what am I, a test subject at USC? What's going on? Oh, like this isn't free.

And, uh, how old was the intern? Probably in her like 20s, right?

She was in her 20s. Oh, and I was like, oh really? She's like, yeah, I hope you don't mind. She's— and she's laughing. She's like, I knew you were the one person we could do this to. And I was like, why me? She's like, well, you make the videos. I knew you'd get a kick out of it. You think it was funny?

Did the girl know? Did the intern know you from videos?

No, she didn't know anything about me.

Oh my God, thank God. No, that would have been the worst if she like— if she like, oh my God, I watched your family vlogs. That would have been the worst.

So she's like picking up my penis and she's like, okay, you see right there And the woman's like, I can't see anything, you know. But she's like, can you see right here? She's like, that's the, you know, carotid artery, and that's the, the lenis artery, see? And it comes down. And I'm just like— and I, I couldn't even— I was just like, guys, really? Are you really doing this? She's like, she's like, it's fine, it's fine, you're gonna be okay. And then, and I remembered what a favor they did for us when they like, you know, had us come in there, when they let us film, when they let us film.

So I was like, okay, I'm like, go back to next week, it's a class. Okay guys, come on in here.

Now this That's what it's like to work on a really small penis.

We took our high school field trip here. That is so fucking terrifying.

And then I had— and then I wanted to ask her a medical question about something else besides my penis, and I was like, oh man, I was like, I wonder if this is kind of embarrassing. And then I remembered she just looks at my dick and balls all day long, so there was no more embarrassing question I could ask.

Was the intern touching your penis?

No, she wasn't. She was just like observing.

And your penis would be the worst penis to like learn from. The worst. It's so much different than the others.

Literally, like, why not get a different guy?

Or maybe this is the corroded artery or whatever. And then she's like, are you sure that's it? Yeah, this one's a little different.

If you can make this penis work, then you know you're good.

We wanted to work on you because you have the toughest penis.

Wow.

You went to see Vampire Weekend the other day, right?

Yeah, I saw Vampire Weekend last night, thanks to my friends at SeatGeek. Yeah, and, uh, it was, it was great. Went with my ex-wife.

My favorite. I asked, well, how was, how was Vampire Vampire Weekend?

Well, I hate to tell David when I'm having a good time without him because he gets kind of upset.

No, I don't get upset.

Sometimes you do.

But I asked Jason, I'm like, how's Vampire Weekend? He goes, fucking magical. I mean, it was the best, the best. And every— this is every time Jason reviews— anytime Jason goes anywhere that's like, that's like out of the ordinary, like he goes to see a movie or he goes to see a concert, it is just like the most positive review. Every review sounds like, you know, like when people leave the movie theater and and they're like— and there's a camera guy right outside of it, and they're like shooting like a promo for the movie in front of like the movie poster. And they're like, so what'd you think of the movie? And all the families are like wearing the merch of the movie, and they're like, it was amazing! Go see it with your family! Go down to the movie theater today! It's fun for all the kids. Everyone's gonna be laughing. I was laughing, and I'm a dad.

Go see Vampire Weekend! They all say it in unison.

That's like— yeah, that's like every time Jason reviews anything he's been to, he's like the most positive about it, which is Great, but that's why I'm also like, if I ever come out with like a movie or TV show, I know whatever Jason's gonna say is gonna be like the least accurate.

Well, that's not true. It's different when you're with my kids. When my kids are having—

I'm gonna work on something for like 2 years, like a movie or TV show, and I'm gonna purposefully make it bad just to see you bullshit your review. I'm gonna make it bad and the whole thing is just gonna be a prank just to see how you fucking bullshit.

You love long jokes. Like the other day you were chasing Jonah with a Nerf gun and you had to fight him in time Oh yeah, well, I don't want to bring this up yet.

This is a secret. Why? What did you want to say?

I just thought it was funny how you— Jonah was like, I was gonna go to New Jersey, I was gonna go to LA.

Oh yeah, I guess you can say that. Yeah, yeah, we were having a Nerf gun fight and I told Jonah he can go anywhere in the city and he took a cab to Times Square and we had his location on so we followed him. We got in the cab, we had to go 15, 20 minutes to Times Square. It was a pretty good car ride. And then we saw him leaving Times Square and we were like, what the fuck? Where are you going? And he's like, I'm going to New Jersey. And I was like, don't you fucking dare go to New Jersey. Don't go to New Jersey. And then, and then we ended up finding him. It's funny, you'll see it in the video. But, um, but I was talking to him and he was like, yeah, I wanted to take a flight. I want to take a flight out of here. And I told him, I was like, dude, if we ever have this Nerf gun fight again, like, do me a favor, like, I love you, but leave the country and don't come back for like 5 to 10 years. Like, imagine how funny that is, like, to leave. Like, that's like, I think that's worth the joke. You think?

100%. You wouldn't have Jonah for 5 years.

It would bum me out like a lot because I love that guy.

Sure.

But it would be like, it'd be one of the funniest things I've ever been a part of. Like, oh, he's just— yeah, one of my friends, he's in Bangladesh right now, I think. I'm not allowed to leave the country, so I can't follow him. But I know he's hiding out somewhere.

We have his location.

Yeah. But yeah, so if we ever have a Nerf gun fight and Jonah's missing, you know why.

So, okay, so I was in the airport on Monday. Yeah. And I got recognized. And normally when I get recognized, it's all about you. It's always like, oh, yo, where's David? And oh, it's all about you. People say the nicest things about you all the time.

Time.

But this one time I was in the airport, it was Monday, and this girl comes up to me and she goes, she goes, oh, you're in the, you're in the vlogs. And I go, yeah, yeah. And she goes, with that dork. Like that. And she was talking about you.

With that dork. What did you say? Thank you so much for saying this.

Yeah, I was like, I go, you mean David? She goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, David. Which is funny.

With that dork. Yeah. Well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast.

David's quitting YouTube after that story because it really hurt his feelings.

I'm gonna make sure this is cut out of the podcast for sure. Yeah, um, no, but seriously, thank you guys for listening to this week's podcast.

It's weird, David, because we don't have enough for the podcast. I don't know why you're wrapping it up.

Well, that's all the time we have. Um, but yeah, go buy Jason's merch, go buy my merch, go check us out. Jay, you got a tour coming up.

I got a tour.

That's exciting.

Atlanta, Chicago— Atlanta, Minneapolis, and Chicago next weekend. Come see me.

I'll be in Chicago and Pittsburgh and New York soon, so maybe I'll see you guys there. Uh, bye.