Dirty Texting in High School

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where I get to spend some good time with my best friend.

Thank you so much, David. It's great to be here. Right back at you.

Thank you. There's no joke here if you're waiting for it. I literally just wanted to let people know. Oh, it's just nice hanging out with you.

Oh yeah. Wow. Yeah, that's like probably the first time in our friendship for 4 years that we've had a friendship. Yeah, that you just laid out a straight-up nice thing about time.

I changed the pace around here.

Well, Thank you, and I'd like to say to you, I'm glad you're finally calling me your best friend.

Thank you.

'Cause I know that it's true, and I know that because I'm 45 and you're 22, that might be a weird thing for you to say, but I'm glad you're strong enough to say it.

And I'm glad I've accepted your pathetic self into my life.

There it is.

Wow.

Hey, I wanted to ask you a question.

What?

Have you thought about maybe reading a book or looking up, maybe buying a dictionary? Or maybe learning some words.

That's funny. Have you ever thought about maybe buying some soap and using it to scrub your dirty fucking body?

That's funny. You woke up today in your fucking weird shorts, literally stinking. Like, there was like an odor of awfulness that exuded from your body when we just went in the other room.

They're called—

and I am clean. Come over and smell me.

They're called boxers. And you'd know if you'd fucking wear some.

They're not called boxers. They're called boxer briefs. See, once again, You need a dictionary. You need to learn some things. You're cute.

Thank you.

You are cute though, I'll give you that. Okay, David, I love you very much.

Let's roll the intro. Okay, what's up guys? This is The Views Podcast. I'm David, that's Jason.

Androgynous, what's that mean?

I don't know.

We went over it yesterday.

This fucking means—

yeah, we learned it yesterday.

Josh said it's neither a boy or girl.

Very good.

Okay, good. It still doesn't make sense to me because that word doesn't— that word doesn't scream—

well, like when David Bowie was going on in the '70s, right? He started out and then he came out with this new album and he was completely neither male nor female in his look. Androgynous.

Okay.

Okay. There we go.

Okay. Fair enough.

Good job. Does it kind of make sense?

Good job.

Here's what I want to start a little snack.

I want to start the podcast off with this.

Yes.

I've been seeing a lot of tweets. I want to come clean. I'm tired of it. A lot of times on this podcast we talk about how, um, how maybe I'm overworked or stressed out, you know what I mean? And in the last podcast I said, I said something along the lines of I was, I was editing my vlog and I, I was so stressed because I didn't have a clip for it. Yeah, that I just wanted someone to come in and shoot me in the arm so I wouldn't have to worry about it for that day. I remember you Yes. And people were like, that's so unhealthy, David. Which is totally, totally true. That is unhealthy. And people were like, just take a break. I just want to be clear that as much stress as like being stressed causes me, this is the happiest I've ever been. So like, I don't want to fucking give this up for like a single second of my day.

Sure.

I love doing this. There's no other reason I'm doing it. And like, I don't know, I've, I've, I've had nothing to do in my life.

A lot of money to the mob, but yes, that too.

I've had nothing to do in my life. I've been broke. I mean, so most people, because everyone usually starts out broke, and I don't want to, I don't want to do that again. So I'm so fucking thrilled to be doing what I'm doing. And if I complain about how stressed out I am, it's just, that's just my way of like getting it off my chest, you know what I mean?

Sure.

That's just my way of like unwinding. That's my way of relaxing.

I like that you said that last week. I thought I I was like, no, I know, I understood what you were saying.

I don't want people to think I'm doing this for any other reason other than like I genuinely do enjoy it. And I do, like once you get in a position where you're like having a good time with your job, like you don't want to take it for fucking granted and you'll do everything to fucking keep it. And that's kind of where I'm at. So yeah, when I, yeah, I'm good guys. Even though I may feel, even though I may feel like I'm gonna collapse any second, I am having so much more fun.

There's a bunch of tweets than just fucking sitting. David says, sounds like he's covering up on today's podcast.

Sounds like David is gonna collapse. Someone sent in the team.

Hey, did you see this Diet Coke story?

No, what happened with Diet Coke?

Oh yeah.

And like everyone's really upset about it. And when I say everyone, maybe 6 people. Yeah, but you tell me if you think that this is—

let me guess, have I ever said that about the internet? I feel like I've said the same thing on this podcast cast 30 times, but like, I feel like I've explained this to people in person, so I don't know if I've said it on here, but like, the reason, the reason everyone is so offended on the internet isn't necessarily because things are changing, but because those people can communicate easier, right? So if someone has something against Diet Coke napkins, you'd probably never fucking find another person that has anything against Diet Coke napkins, right? But just walking around, yeah, just walking around, or in your school, you'd never find anyone. But the internet will connect everybody. So, so the internet will find another person that has a Diet Coke napkin, and then you form an allegiance or an alliance, and then it becomes bigger and bigger and more people join your cause. Yeah. And that's why people get offended about more things, because like-minded individuals that, that get pissed off about things can get connected a lot easier.

And I'm making it worse right now by mentioning that there's 6 people worried about these Diet Coke napkins because you just informed a whole bunch of people. Yeah. Yeah, I'm making it way worse.

That there's something new to be pissed out about. Okay, what is it?

Well, you tell me. So the napkin, they put the napkin down and it says, "Because you're on a plane full of interesting people," and "Hey, you never know," and there's a little arrow to turn the napkin over. And then when you turn it over, it says name, you know, and then number. So you can put your name and number there and maybe pass it to someone like, "Hey." Oh, that's so fucked up. You think that's messed up?

No, I'm just trying to join the group that hates the napkins. Oh, that's fun.

Yeah, the minute that you jump—

cut this out of the podcast. I don't know what—

be a little old school, write down your number and give it to your plane crush. You never know. Wow. Okay, so people were mad about the crush, the play on words of crash, which somebody wrote like, I'm up in an airplane, I'm already worried about crashing, and you put the word crush in there, playing crush. Not funny.

That's fucking ridiculous.

My sister was in a plane crash.

I hope Diet Coke responds to this by printing new napkins that says, I hope this fucking thing crashes. That's unreal. That is ridiculous.

It's like top story on CNN. I was on the treadmill this morning. Yeah, I worked out.

And that's the only reason you tell the story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

To get to that moment.

The only reason I told the story because it's That's the only thing I have to talk about this week.

Um, no, my only problem with that is that it has the word crush in it, and that's possibly a competitor to Diet Coke. Orange Crush—

there's the businessman—

is a competitor to Diet Coke. Or maybe they're the same company. Either way, I wouldn't have mentioned it.

A lot of Orange Crush people are mad about it too.

Yeah, they're like, yeah, choose a side.

No, that's Grape Crush.

Yeah, that's stupid. That's something I don't, I don't stand for.

Okay, well good, we have an opinion on something finally.

Yeah, we're gonna get so much shit for it. Every time, every time we voice an opinion about everything. We get like 30 tweets like, I can't fucking believe you don't like palm trees. My fucking dad moved palm trees all around the United States. I'm on— I'm on listening.

They came over, they were immigrants, and they came here. They met under a palm tree.

No, but speaking of our listeners, we were informed— I don't know, we've probably even talked about this too, but we get a million downloads, a podcast now. Yeah, a million listeners listen to these.

Congratulations, David.

That's insane.

It's insane.

A million people. Remember when this shit started?

Buy my merch.

But yeah, buy Jason's. Remember when this started and we were just like, what is this?

Yeah, I remember when we started it.

Like, I was the biggest doubter of this. I was like, there's no fucking way anybody wants to listen to— oh no, you're kidding.

I knew it was your idea, and when you asked, I was like, oh my God, that's gonna kill.

When I said podcast?

Yeah, because— and I was thrilled you asked.

Oh, was I not a doubter?

Huh?

Was that not—

I think you were doubting it, but I was, I was so psyched that you wanted to do it because I just felt like there was like a lot of young kids that didn't listen to podcasts, and now they have a reason to, or whatever.

Podcasts are nice. They're really— it's, it's, it's really— we should, we really should fucking have guests. And I know we joke about it, and I know the only reason we don't have guests is because it's me, because like I never pull the trigger on it.

Explain why we don't have guests to everybody.

Because I have yet to figure out a solid schedule in my life, right? And I don't know, I don't know.

Like right now it's Thursday at 1 o'clock. We see the podcast on— when do we used to do it? Wednesday nights at 12?

No, not even like Wednesday nights at like 11, right? I used to get my vlogs up at like 7 PM and that was late, right? Yeah, no, I mean things were different.

And then we were doing it at like Wednesday at 3 in the morning.

Yeah, and now we're here at Thursday. So next year we're probably gonna be doing these on a Saturday, 4 days later.

I have no idea.

Yeah, I don't know what's gonna happen.

But yeah, I remember when you, um, when you wanted to do it. And I remember the first podcast we did, you like freaked out. We started, then you went outside and you sat on the steps.

Oh yeah, we were 10 minutes in and I stopped the podcast. I was like, what did I say? I think I just hated it.

I'd never seen you freak out about anything like that. You just freaked out. You were just like, I can't do this, I can't do this, this is, this is shit, this is garbage. And then you went outside and you sat on the steps at Bellingham. You just sat there literally like, like, like a kid who had like gone like struck out during the big pitch, and then I came out, put my arm around you, and I was like, you got this, man. I'm like, it's not that big of a deal, you're really funny. And then you're like, I think this is just gonna suck, no one's gonna like this.

Yeah, wow, that's funny. That's— I fucking totally forgot.

I thought that— I thought that maybe it wouldn't work because like they wouldn't want to listen to me.

Oh no, that's like— that's the best part.

Which they don't.

But the other day MTV Cribs came by. Which is like a fucking big deal.

What did they want?

What did they want? They said, fuck you. No, they did a tour of my house.

Is that still a show?

Yeah, it is. It's—

they resurrected just for you.

Well, they recorded on— it's for Snapchat, but they had 10 to 15 people here and recording on big-ass like red cameras.

I saw— I walked in, this woman was like— I was gonna sit down, she's like, can you go over here please?

I was like, okay, you want you sit on my couch? Yeah, don't dirty up.

It's like David called me over here, okay?

I've known him longer than you. Yeah.

I wanted to jump in some of the bits, but then it just didn't seem like—

yeah, no, it was a very— it's a very like almost serious thing, right? Yeah.

Like, would that feel awkward trying to do that?

Yeah, I felt a little awkward, but I was so excited because MTV Cribs is like what I watched that originally like started— like the reason my fridge is the way it is, how I have a bunch of drinks and they look like I'm like some neat freak, that's because of MTV Cribs. Like, that's because I used to watch that shit and I would see like Flavor Flav and he would have like a bunch of Fantas stacked in a nice little order. And it was like a really nice full circle.

Did you tell them that in the show?

Yeah, I did.

It's all because of you. Yeah, this organization is because of you, MTV Cribs.

Yeah, I was like, this is everything fucking here is because of you guys.

The reason me and my friends all have diabetes from Orange Crush is because of you.

Because of you guys. Orange Fanta. Please don't say Crush. But what were you going to say?

I was just going to say, yeah, I was watching you. Film that yesterday, and, uh, it was weird.

I was being serious.

Yeah, you're like, this is my Tesla and I like to drive in it. And you go, you go, and you know, I love my car so much that I don't even let any of my other friends drive, so I'm always the one that drives. And then just like silence, silence, silence. It's just not how you ever film.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

You always film, it's always like someone's laughing, or because if it's not laughing, you're not saying it, you know what I mean? Yeah, just that, just that dead silence, like Oh, this is death.

Yeah, it's the worst. I was, um, when I did like my Wired interview— do you know like the Wired? Yeah, yeah, they do it in front of like a white screen, right? Um, and it's like, and, um, it's like you're in a room with like 7 people. Yeah. And no one, no one laughs, no one says anything, and you're just talking out loud, and it's the most nerve-wracking thing ever.

That's why stand-ups do so well.

For like 20 minutes you're just standing. What do you mean?

Like stand-ups That's why when you're doing stand-up, you're like so trained to like sit in front of 400 people and not get laughs. You know what I mean? So like that stuff doesn't ruffle you. But yeah, like now if I would have to do it, I'd be like, oh shit.

Yeah, it's so interesting. Yeah, so interesting. But yeah, I did a lie detector test the other day again.

And what'd they ask you?

They just brought up pictures of people in our friend group. Yeah, and they would go, is this your best friend? Oh wow. Yeah, and I fucking said no to everyone.

And will you guys get upset at that? You think you'll get some phone calls about that?

Yeah, I think I'm definitely gonna get phone calls about that. That's why I'm saying it right now, because I want my friends to know that fucking— they, they, they pinned me in a corner and they showed pictures of everyone and they wanted to know my best friend and I didn't fucking give it to them.

Exposed.

Because I didn't want to pick one person. Um, but the other day, the other day I was going down like a— I was going down a bridge or like under a bridge and there's this guy selling lightsabers. Like they're like light-up lightsabers and he was selling like flowers. Um, he's like one of those street vendors.

Sure.

So we decided we were just gonna buy all of his lightsabers because it was raining, it was really shitty out, and it was gonna be fun because we're all gonna have lightsabers. And we pulled up next to him and, and he saw— we drove by a couple times because I was like thinking about like how to approach him. So we drove by like 3 or 4 times, and then I pulled up and I'm like, uh, hey, um, how much for the lightsabers? And he gets like really shy. And then, and then we're like, how much? We want to buy them all. And then he starts crying. And it's not because he's like excited, but because he was scared because he thought we were fucking with him. And, and I, and I think he thought we were like police officers. And maybe, I don't know, maybe he wasn't like— I don't know.

Yeah, sure.

Maybe he didn't have the right credentials to be there or to even sell them. Or maybe the swords were stolen. I don't know.

But he—

it was really weird.

He might not have had a license to sell or something.

He like, he like, he started crying. And I felt so fucking bad. He goes, he goes, you don't want to help me, you don't want to help me. And I'm like, no, no, I do, I do. And then like we gave him money, and then like, and like Jeff, Jeff, Jeff pulled up his mugshot and he's like, look, I've gone to prison, I'm not a fucking cop, I fucking— I'm a criminal, I'm a fucking criminal.

What kind of cops are 22 years old and riding around in a Tesla?

Yeah, by the way, well, no, I know, Miami Vice. I don't know what he thought we were. Um, but, um, but yeah, so we ended up just buying them all and then we left. But, uh, did you have Mike Sheffer in the car too?

Yeah, yeah, police cop looking guy.

He, he, he didn't— he almost didn't want to sell them all. He was almost like— it was almost like he want—

he—

it was almost like he was using as an excuse to like be outside and away from his wife. Yeah, so like he's like selling— he didn't want to come home.

How many did you buy?

We bought— I think we bought like 20 of them. They were $10 each, so we gave him like $300. Oh wow. So we gave him a little bit of a tip.

That's great.

But yeah, I don't know. It was a very, very, very weird situation. Have you ever had to sell stuff on the street?

Yeah, I used to sell rings in Harvard Square.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Yeah, I love how you have these weird life experiences that like you don't talk about until I bring them up. What do you mean you sell rings?

I used to just stand out there and sell like different rings, or like my cousin would like— my cousin was really— is really industrious. He would just like give me stuff to sell, and then like he was really nice about it. Like he wouldn't make me pay for the rings, he would just give me the rings. To sell and I could keep all the money.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's so weird.

My cousin's the best. He reminds me of you, actually. He's very industrious.

Did you sell rings?

Yeah. Sat on Harvard Square. How many? For a summer.

How many did you sell?

I sold a lot. I make like $200 a day just standing there and no one ever busted me or anything. I didn't have a license.

$200 a day?

Yeah.

Oh, holy fuck.

Yeah. People love these rings.

That's really good.

Yeah, they were really—

I just realized that the little nursery rhyme that goes, Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Sally's a dumbass. I just realized I never even noticed. Sally's stupid. She's selling seashells by the seashore. That's— isn't that the worst place to sell seashells?

Yeah, because someone could just pick them up.

Pick them up. Well, I think— was that nursery rhyme fucking making fun of Sally the entire time?

I watched this documentary on Netflix about Sally, and, you know, there's, there's two different schools of thought on it. One is that— what's that? Yeah. You didn't see it?

No, no.

Oh, it was Ken Burns' documentary.

Sure, sure.

He did the Civil War documentary on PBS, but Yeah, there's two schools of thought on it.

Yeah.

Number one, you know, was Sally dumb to sell these seashells by the seashore?

Oh yeah, they compared her to a satanic worshiper.

That's right.

Yes.

And then, you know, when she would sacrifice people after selling them, and then she went on that killing spree. And of course, it's great, great documentary. Check it out. Yeah. Have you watched You on Netflix?

No, but John Stamos is in it.

Yeah, I haven't gotten to the Jon Stamos.

I have a hard time getting into—

Hi Jon, it's Jason.

Yesterday, now we be friends. Yesterday, sorry, yesterday Natalie took a break.

Yeah, you let her take a break?

Yeah, I don't know, I was feeling nice. And okay, and we were—

where you never show me that, but okay.

We were just working so much, it was just like, okay, go. And she took a break and she went in her room and I was like, she has to be taking a nap. But she took a break by watching a TV show, and I don't know why I found that so mind-blowing. I was like, when you take a break, you don't go watch something, right? Like that?

No, it's— I agree with Natalie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When I take a break, I have to, I have to sleep and my phone has to be far away from me. I can't be watching anything because that's like me working.

I don't know if it's my age, but literally my favorite thing to do is to get into bed and watch TV.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's like drugs.

Can you nap during the day?

If I'm like super tired, if I'd been out till like 4 in the morning like the other night, I can.

Yeah, there's, there's people, there's people that can't nap during the day and that doesn't make any sense.

I also chew that Nicorette and I think that keeps me up.

Yeah.

And I drink a lot of coffee.

I must start smoking cigarettes soon.

I saw some cigarettes around here for a bit. Yeah, they're everywhere. Someone stepped on them, but no one's smoking them.

Well, okay, this is what I did. I had to scare Natalie for my vlog.

Yeah.

So I sent her out to get something. Oh, and literally just so when she'd come back, I can be standing by the door to scare her.

Right.

So, and we had like everything. I didn't know what to tell her to get. So I'm like, we need cigarettes for a bit. And she's like, okay. So she left down the street to the liquor store to go buy a pack of cigarettes just so when she got back, I can go, boo. And she got back and I scared her. And now I'm hooked. And now I'm fucking addicted. She's gone right now buying more cigs.

But yeah, I get my penis pumped tomorrow.

But the scared— oh, you're getting your penis pumped again?

Yeah.

Why?

My third— I have 6 treatments.

Yeah. Yeah.

We were there yesterday.

Yeah, we were.

I think that guy likes us.

I think he does.

That's pretty fun.

Yeah, we took our friend Jonah there. He's a very small penis. Did you see— did you see the video?

I watched it. Yeah.

Isn't that crazy?

Could have used more of my jokes in there, but okay. Yeah, there was one joke I wished you'd used.

Which one?

But I understand why you didn't use it. Oh, it's about his son.

The Rita one.

You probably didn't want to show his son.

Yeah, the Reena. Yeah. Yeah, that was funny.

Yeah. Josh had a lot of jokes, funny jokes you didn't use either.

That was good.

Yeah.

I'm going to read that, honey.

Oh, hey, don't call me that.

No, the ad is Honey, so I'm gonna read it right now.

Okay, babe.

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Um, great.

J.Crew, fucking surfing the web, honestly.

Banana Republic, all the cool places that make me look cool. Yeah, I get discounts. I didn't even know about it, and now I do.

About Honey? Yeah, because I did promote it like 7 fucking times.

I know, but I mean like since I started doing the podcast.

Oh, Honey is so easy to use, it feels like cheating, but it's not. It's just a smart automated deal finder that gets me in and millions of shoppers the best price on Amazon every single time. The other day, Natalie was shopping for something. I don't remember what it was, but it was for a bit. And, and she was like in the checkout and then a little pop-up popped up and Honey found the same thing for like $20 less. So she just clicked that and she just saved $20. It's, it's so simple. So next time you're shopping on Amazon, don't wonder whether you're fine, you found the best deal. Just add Honey and get the best price automatically. Add Honey for free at joinhoney.com/fuse. That's joinhoney.com/fuse. Honey, the smartest shopping assistant that helps you save time and money. Do you see that there was a man accused of ejaculating in his boss's coffee every day for 4 years? Wow, that's pretty—

what?

That's pretty fucking—

shut up.

Yeah, he's a man. He was arrested on his work site this morning after it was discovered that he was ejaculating.

Okay, let's let him do it for a couple more years so we're sure that this is what he's doing.

He was 38 years old. That's fucking crazy. How do you hate your boss that long that you—

you need the job.

I mean, oh, you need the job, but you still want to come.

Hey David, I got you some tea.

Oh shit, thank you Jason.

Go, go, go.

That is, that is something that— that's funny because that's something I would do to you.

I'd know if something was up if you gave me coffee.

He was the personal assistant of Miss Lynn. Oh my god, a woman. Oh, so maybe it was like It was like he was like attracted to her or some fucking gross sick thing. He almost looked proud when he told her, I've been eating— I've been eating your shit for 4 years, but all this time you've been drinking my cum. He then smiled and explained everything. Holy fuck. The angry employee explained that he had been putting extra cream in Mrs. Moore's coffee 5 days a week over many years. Holy shit. And she had no— like, how do you have no idea? Oh, I guess you're the assistant.

Yeah, but wouldn't you— not to get too gross, but wouldn't you like be able to taste that shit? Or like texture, like, like in your mouth?

He probably, he probably mixed it so well. And honestly, it maybe even made it taste— maybe they haven't had added a taste that she enjoyed. Imagine she's like at her like house and her assistant's not around and she's drinking coffee and she's just like, this isn't as— this isn't the same as when Darren makes it. She's just like addicted to this coffee. She's, she's ordering it multiple times a day now because it's so good. A total of 900.

Oh my God, Darren, he makes the best coffee. You've got to try it.

She invites all her friends. A total of 910 criminal charges have been filed against him. That is fucking insane. If found guilty on all charges, he could face up to 1,070 years in prison. Wow. I guess this is a lot worse than it comes off as.

Right. What kind of sentence is that?

Like, we're laughing at it, but it's actually really—

yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, it's a lot worse than— like, it's when we're laughing at it and it's awful.

It's really fucking bad.

It's really bad. Yeah.

That's fucking insane.

Yeah. I wonder if he like came in it every morning or had a collection of sperm that he would just keep in a tin.

Oh, you're right. Now he—

I wonder if he would just That would take a lot of time to go into the bathroom, jerk off into the coffee, mix it right.

Some— oh my God, fucking— they— in this article, at the end, they don't end it by being like, this guy's a douche. They end it by going, also, some other employees have suggested that Miss Moore was often aggressive, dominating, and verbally abusive.

Yeah.

So other people, they're basically— they're saying she deserved it with the accused, and he may have acted as some sort of self-defense. Oh wow, okay. So there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Yeah.

Well, wow. Some people are claiming it as self-defense.

Natalie's been putting pubes in your Chipotle.

I deserve it. Oh, well, okay. Well, maybe this story isn't as bad as we think. Maybe. Maybe his employer was actually a fucking dick.

I would think that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I would think so.

I would think that she probably was pretty awful, but it doesn't make an excuse that he would do that, obviously. Yeah, but I mean, you got to be a real tyrant Jesus Christ, you got to do something wrong for 4 years.

That's a fucking title. Man accused of ejaculating in his boss's coffee every day for 4 years. Wow.

I know my video— my video is gonna be tomorrow.

I was gonna say, I know my next vlog idea.

Damn, dog, you find all the good stories.

That's Joe.

Joe, you find all the good stories.

This next part of the segment is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. We give it to our editor in return for him editing our podcast, even though these podcasts don't even need to be fucking edited. We do it because we're nice. We give him 25 seconds and it's go time in 3, 2.

What's up, weenies? Elephant in the room. We have a lot to talk about today. There is a petition going around online demanding more time for the podcast.

That's crazy, Joe.

David, this is my time. Please allow me to confront this. There's 1,800 signatures.

Before you continue, I want to apologize for interrupting you.

Can we restart?

Nope. That's it. No. Yeah, Joe. Yeah. Apparently there's a petition going around, like on an actual, like, petition website where you fucking change that or where people want the teeny weeny podcast To have more fucking time. Wow. Okay, so someone donated $10 and it's a screenshot that says, thank you, your $10 will go towards featuring this petition to go 150 potential supporters on change.org.

Who, who put this up? Do you know? Uh, a loyal, dedicated subscriber.

You put it up yourself? No, someone else did. Yeah, well, that's fine.

I just assumed you did it.

No, no, he didn't.

Oh, you didn't?

Someone else did.

Congratulations. That's great. It's supposed to happen.

I got it.

And you have no idea.

Fuck off, Joe. 25 seconds is up. What are you, crazy? You're breaking the fucking terms. No, I got a tweet the other day saying, and Joe's teeny weeny podcast.

Oh, finally someone said it. Yeah, I don't know who would say— I haven't seen any of those.

Yeah, I saw it and I was like, please don't do that anymore. And I fuck— I retweeted it. I liked it. And you didn't? No, I didn't. But fuck, man.

Oh yeah.

Joe. Oh, I guess we should announce that too. Joe's podcast has also hit a million listeners. Joe, Joe is going to get the world record for the shittiest podcast with the most amount of listeners. There was one time I was back home and we were having a barbecue cookout and we were fucking around with mosquito repellent and we were kind of just spraying everybody down. And I went up to my friend Angelica and I sprayed it all over her. Just fucking— I was just like, I'm gonna get her, I'm gonna get her. Sprayed all over. She started having a cough attack, and the cough attack turned into an asthma attack, and she was about to pass out. We had to call the ambulance. This is a real story. And I started fucking sobbing. Like, I just started crying. And I was like— all my friends were around, and I just fucking started crying. Like, more people were consoling me than her.

Like, sounds about right.

Yeah, you guys don't know how much this me. No, I was fucking freaking out. And then the ambulance came, they took her in. I felt so bad. I wrote her this long text. I was like, I'm so sorry. And I wrote her this thing. I'm like, I'm like, you know, every time I see ambulances, I never really think about it much, but now I know every time I hear those sirens, it's someone's loved one in there. And I was like 12. And wow, that fucking rocked my world.

Forgive you?

She did forgive me like the next day because it was a complete accident. It just like went right down the wrong pipe and she just had a big attack. I don't know. There's also another time, um, I definitely, I definitely talked about this. Um, well, did I tell you when I, when I had my first kiss? No, I just got asked about an interview the other day and I thought it was pretty interesting. When you had your first kiss, was it romantic or was it planned? Because like, like my first kiss was like, it was like choreographed. I was like, we're gonna go to the park and I'm going to, I'm going to touch you here, and then I'm going to put my lips on yours.

That's a little dirty talk before.

Yes. Oh my god. Yes, I used to dirt— I used to like dirty talk so much when I was young. No, no, no, I had my first kiss when I was 17.

Oh really? Yeah, so not so long ago.

Yeah, so, so like, and like, you really are a noob. All we, all we used to talk about was like dirty talking. Oh my God, it was, it was so bad. Like, like it was like straight up like sexting, but like I've never even had a kiss. And like even the other girl never had her first kiss and we were just like sexting. And then it was like, and then, and then I got, um, and then I kissed her basically. I was just like, like, I'm going to kiss you and then I'm going to do so much more. You know what I mean? Like, and like a little bit younger, so I wouldn't say what I would do exactly, but I would do, I'm going to do so much. You have no idea. Like, that's what I would say. And then I, and then I kissed and then we went to kiss. And it was freezing out. So there was snot dripping down, like, from my nose. I remember her wiping the snot away from my mouth because you couldn't go to someone's house, right?

You didn't, like, do it in the park.

Exactly. Because, yeah, because it was just— you can't go to, like, your parents' house and kiss a girl. That's crazy. So, like, she wiped the snot off my mouth and then, and then she leaned in and she kissed me. And I just remember, like, licking her nose and everything. Like, it was, like, fucking disgusting. Like, we were, we were so slobbery. And I was like, and I was like, And we made out for like maybe, I don't know, 3 whole minutes. And our faces were just soaked. And like my face was starting to freeze because it was so cold out. And I was like, that's not what I imagined it like. And she's like, what did you imagine it like? I'm like, I don't know, cleaner. And she's like, not everything is like it is in the movies. And I'm like, I guess you're right. I imagined it to be this big beautiful thing. But it was literally us sucking on each other's faces. It was so bad.

Ambulance goes by, you know, you know, there's someone's loved one inside there.

No, it wasn't the same girl. But my favorite part too is like when I— like when she was my first kiss, but like before, like she was like, so what have you done with a girl? Like, how many girls have you been with? And I'd be like, I had sex with like 3 girls, like, you know what I mean? Like making all this shit up that's like not true at all. Like, yeah, I had sex. But like, it's funny because once you Once you like— like, the problem with that is like, I didn't lose my first kiss like because I was dropping someone off. It's like it wasn't like magical, it was like planned. And then when you lose your first kiss, like you're a bat out of hell, and then you just go do the rest, right? That's what it was like.

I'm sure about that first kiss. Yeah, well, that's my first kiss. I'm gonna have trouble telling you because I lied about my first kiss when I was a teenager for so long. Oh yeah, that I don't remember when my real kiss was. Yeah, like I could tell you the lie What'd you tell people? I told people I made out with Krista Kohler in 8th grade. Oh, but, but I didn't.

And what did she say? Did she know that you said that?

She agreed with the lie.

Oh, she did?

Yeah, she went along with it.

Oh, cuz she also, she also wanted to seem like she made out. Yeah. Wow, brutal.

But now I actually don't remember. I once dumped a girl over the phone. I think I've told that story.

Why?

Because I was just too chicken.

Oh yeah, that used to be a really bad thing. I used to, um, I used to borrow my friend's phone to talk to this girl.

Oh wait, I didn't dump her over a phone. I called and I had a recording and I played the recording.

Oh, get the fuck out.

No, no, I know that's true.

Oh, it's true.

That is true.

You had a recording of what you were gonna say?

Yeah, it's really bad.

Wait, what did it say?

It probably said something like 'Hey Dana, it's Jason. I don't—' I mean, I was in like 6th or 7th grade, I think. Maybe 8th. Maybe 8th.

Sure.

'Hey, hey Dana, it's Jason. I don't think we should date anymore.' Oh my God.

'Thanks. Sorry.' Was it a voice message?

'Goodbye.' No, it was in my friend's recorder. My friend and I were sitting there and we called her. She's like, 'Hello?' Oh fuck. And then I put the recorder up to the phone. That's how chicken I was. Wow.

What did she say? Did you give her a chance to respond or you just hung up?

We just hung up. Wow. And then she actually— I think she called us back and she was like, that's just no way to do that.

She was in 6th grade and she's already reprimanding you? Yeah. What is your problem?

Yeah, that's pretty much— she was a really smart girl. She was like, there's just no way to do that.

And we were like, have some respect for me.

Yeah, we're like, you're right, we're sorry.

Um, no, I used to talk to— I used to talk to this girl I liked from my friend's phone because my parents wouldn't let me have a cell phone. So I'd be borrowing his phone to talk to her. And then, and then I would find out that when I wasn't talking to her, my friend was. So, so when I went home, he would just fucking continue the conversation.

Oh wait, no, I asked her out over recording. That's what it was. Oh, okay. I asked her out. Oh, and then I remember her calling being like, that's so stupid.

But did she say yes?

Yeah, she did say yes.

I think that's kind of cute.

Yeah, I told the story wrong.

If you did that now, I feel like a girl would like that. You think?

Yeah, it's—

there's something so cute about it. It's so innocent.

Like, there's so much—

you were so nervous that you— hey, listen, I don't know how to do this, so I recorded this. Like, imagine you're in the car with a girl. Yeah. And, and you're just like, I'm so fucking nervous, but I recorded this earlier. And then you play it, and it's like a 45-second, like, you are the most beautiful girl. You have like— and you even leave the car because you're so fucking nervous. You're just pacing back and forth on the street while she's listening to this just smiling. I think that's kind of cute. That's like out of like a cute like, uh, like coming-of-age teen movie.

Natalie, is that cute if a guy wants to ask you out through a recording? David, it's not cute.

The girls don't like that. I, I, I, I will also admit this, this, this is like a really big like thing to admit, but I was a kid, so I don't give a fuck. I remember when I was like 16, I didn't have my first kiss. Yeah. And like, Jesus Christ, I'd be talking to a girl and we would mutually agree on this. Neither of us had our first kiss and we were talking about sex and we were just like, we should have sex. And she was like, well, I don't want to, I don't want to get pregnant and stuff. So then we came to the conclusion that the best idea was to put it in the butt. So, so we were like, let's just—

you're talking so softly like you don't want anyone to hear it, but meanwhile a million people are listening to this.

I don't know, it's just Oh God.

So, so then what happened?

Well, we, we— she turned out to be my first kiss, and I never—

I guess she turned out to be my cousin. Um, so, so you, you didn't put it in her butt?

I didn't put in the butt. We realized how weird that was, right? Like, we gave it some thought, and I, I think it took like a year to like our relationship to develop, and then I was like, that was weird, why were we talking about that?

Oh, so that was all— you never even had sex with this girl?

No, that was all talk. No, the girl I had my first kiss with, I did not, I did not And really, I didn't do anything with other than my first kiss. But then with other girls.

But why, why, why didn't it— why didn't it escalate?

Well, it didn't escalate because I was scared and it was like, like I touched her butt, which is fucking—

but you're 17 at this point, David. For me.

Yeah, bro. But I was scared. I looked like a little geeky Harry Potter in high school.

So like, you had like a Vine following by then, didn't you? No.

Okay. Maybe I wasn't 17.

Maybe I was a little bit younger. Younger. Yeah.

No.

And weren't you like a tennis star? Tennis is not respected in Vernon Hills.

No, not really. That's kind of like being like, weren't you like, weren't you like the king of your checkers team? Like, it's kind of the same thing.

Oh no, tennis stars were big in my school.

Oh yeah, it wasn't like that in my, my school.

I grew up in like a white, um, rich town, so tennis was very respected. Yeah, tennis and golf.

People, people definitely didn't like, like, they weren't like assholes about it, but it wasn't like being a football star or basketball star. Oh wow. And I wasn't like that.

I lived in, I lived in a little apartment with my mom in a town that was very wealthy. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I was embarrassed to tell people I play tennis. I would tell people I play soccer.

Don't they know? You got a racket in your hand?

Well, because like, like this girl that she went to a different school, I do racket.

Oh, these guys are coming out of the racket.

The girls are coming. And like, I remember when I was on the tennis team, one of my, one of my friends on the tennis team was also on the basketball team, and I would go to his practice and talk to his coach just so I can take merch from him, so I can wear basketball merch around school, so people wouldn't know I fucking play tennis. But then like sophomore year, I got over it and I was like, I love tennis.

How is it now that you like thought you were such a loser in high school and then now when you're like going around and you're like big, big shot or whatever?

I never thought I was a loser in high school. I just didn't have like—

you just realized it now?

No, I, no, I just didn't have confidence when it came to like talking to girls, right? It wasn't— I was so comfortable with myself in high school, right? Middle school, I was a little bit nervous because I first started wearing glasses. Yeah. And like, oh my god, I felt like— I don't know why, but glasses literally felt like the end of the world for me. It's so crazy. I used to think about them. I was so embarrassed. And that's when I first started getting boners too. So like, I was like, I had the glasses to deal with, and then I had to cover my boner with my backpack. And you know, half of the kids would be walking around with backpacks like on their front.

The glasses go on your eyes, not your penis.

I know, but I think No, but I don't know, there's a lot happening in middle school. When it was tough, that's kind of when you figure yourself out.

When, when were you actually smooth with a girl? Ever? Have you ever had like— like, I can't think right now because I'm so old, but I'm sure there was a night where I was smooth. Yeah. You— can you remember yours where it worked? Where it worked? Yeah.

I don't know, it worked when I moved to LA. Yeah. Yeah, I'm, I'm really bad at like, like, I'll, I, I can never be like like, hey, uh, can I have your number? I'm still really bad at that. Like, I'm like 4 years old when it comes to that, right? But like, just talking to girls, it's super easy, super easy. But like, breaking that wall from like just being friends to like asking for a girl's number is like a part that like I have such a difficulty with.

Had you ever been— when you moved to LA, were you ever totally like shattered? Like, ask someone for the number and they just like, no? Or like, what was your—

yes, I actually— well, I wasn't shattered, but I remember—

hey, I love when you talk about girls.

There was this, there was this, um, yes, there was this from— there was a girl from this movie. Um, it was like a pretty big movie and I can't—

who, who, who? Say the name. I can't.

I don't want to. Is it—

okay, that's fine. You don't have to. Is it a famous person?

Because I went up to her and I'm like— I like— I didn't really like—

this is a person we would know, maybe? Yes. Okay.

Everyone knows this person. Okay. Okay.

She's an actress. Got it.

And I went up to her and I'm like, aren't you in this movie? Yeah. And she's like, yeah. Because I was just like— I was just like with my friend, so I was like, watch, I'm gonna get a number. Aren't you this movie? And she's like, yes. And I'm like, cool, can I have your number? And she gave me a fake number. I wasn't shattered by that, but I thought that was pretty funny.

She gave you a fake one? Yeah. And when you called, it was a pizza place, or— no, I—

no, I just— I just texted, never got a response. It didn't deliver, didn't go through.

Oh, it didn't.

Um, but no, no, it was—

I think you're missing a couple digits, but no, text you soon.

The— when I moved to LA, I dated a— I dated a 28-year-old when I was 18. And that was like, that was like, wow, that was my claim to fame. Oh, I think I remember around my apartment building.

So damn, dog, would you date an older woman now?

That's when I found my footing.

No, you wouldn't.

No, because there's, there's so much life experience that an older person has.

Like, you really hate old people. I get it.

I'm such a sucker for sharing, for doing things for the first time. Sure. So like in my last relationship, if like, it's like she went to go see like like, like a certain, like, monument, or like if she went to go to like a city without me, I'd be like, damn it, I want to go to that city with you. Like, I'm such a sucker for things like that. So like if I was to date someone older who's done a lot of things, I'd be like, oh, you've already been here.

Yeah, but it's still doing it with them for the first time.

No, I know, but I really like, like, because I'm a sucker for people's reactions, so I want to be there the first time they experience it.

I see, I see.

So like, that's like a really big deal to me. So that's why I wouldn't date someone that's like a lot really older. Watch this cut to me dating a 35-year-old. Um, but, um, but yeah, okay, well that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Make sure you guys like and subscribe. Tweet me @daviddobrik. Um, yeah, it's been a wild ride. Thank you for a million listeners. Go follow Jason and I on Instagram. We love Instagram. Hit us up and we'll see you guys later. My name's Jeff. Bye.