David Turned Down a Free Ferrari

Today's episode is presented by Spotify. You can now stream the all-new second season of Amy Schumer Presents 3 Girls 1 Keith. What's up guys, welcome to Views, the podcast where— Jason, you have a Band-Aid on your arm. What's with that?

Yeah, I had a physical today.

Oh, that's rough.

It's bruff.

Rough. I meant to say rough.

It's rough and bruff.

Yeah.

What is bruff?

Bruff is when a bro has it rough.

Oh, okay.

I was just rolling through music. Get out of here. All right, what's up guys? Uh, this is The Views Podcast. I'm 22. Jason, how old are you?

Uh, something like, uh, 45.

Something around there. Yeah, give or take, uh, 15 years.

Something right around there.

Um, yes, what's up? What's happening? What's new?

Oh, you know, I wanna— I wanna start the show by saying you're like— you're really smart. Like, you're 22.

Sure.

And you're very smart. Like, you're very wise. Like, you— you like—

I know, I know this is gonna end with me being a fucking idiot.

Yeah, it is.

This is how you're gonna go like this. You're gonna go, you're a really smart guy. You're a really smart guy. You're honestly one of the smartest guys I've ever met. Yeah. But sometimes you can be a fucking idiot.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You're not an idiot. This is a different story.

Oh, this is just a compliment?

Yeah. You're really smart. You're 22. You're really good at pranks. You pull off these amazing pranks. Like, you mastermind all kinds of things. And this is a case where Do you think you're the smartest guy in the room most of the time?

Oh, is this the end of the question?

Yeah.

No.

Sometimes?

I think smartest and like street smart are two different things. I definitely don't think I'm the most intellectual. Like, I don't, I don't know a lot about anything really, because I don't like read, or I don't like really get out much, or like know anything about politics.

Right. This is a case where you are so smart, you talked yourself out of a Ferrari 458.

What do you mean? I don't want to bring this up.

Why?

I do not want to bring this up.

Why not?

Because it literally fucked me the other day. I don't—

I can't believe you did that. You were so fucking dumb.

I don't want to bring this up.

Why did you do that?

I don't want to bring this up.

I think it's a great podcast topic.

I want to stop talking about it now.

David was in the car.

I want to stop talking the other day. No, genuinely.

And Trisha was in the back, and Natalie was there too, I think.

And David goes, so Trisha, um, oh God, I should have told you not to bring this up.

Why?

Because I just don't want to.

I think it's a great— no, why not? I don't know, it's so funny.

It fucked with me so hard.

Why? It's so funny.

It's not funny.

And so basically David said to Trisha, I know you're gonna surprise me with a Ferrari. Okay, then what'd you say?

I said, I literally— I, I— we were sitting in the car and I go, are you still surprising me with that 458 for Christmas? Ferrari 458. And I said as a joke— I always say random things in the car when there's nothing to be said. And she goes this— guys, I want to start crying thinking about it. You're a fucking asshole for bringing this up. She goes, she goes, did Jason tell you? And I literally, I fucking— I got so pissed. I, I was like, what? And she's like, did Jason tell you that I'm getting you a Ferrari for Christmas? And I'm like, what? And, and I'm like, you're what? And she's like, Oh, and she's like, did he tell you? And I'm like, no, he didn't fucking tell me, Trisha. He didn't tell me. And it was such a crazy moment because I've never— I haven't brought this up to anyone. I, I brought this up to Natalie after, after the situation, and I'm like, do me a favor and never ever bring that up again. Like, don't ever say it. Don't ever say it. And I ruined my surprise because Trisha fucked it up. You fucked it up there, Jason.

That's your fault.

Jason, are you out of your fucking mind?

Yeah, I am out of my mind. I work with you.

No, who fucked that up? Natalie, come on, be honest. Be honest.

David, you go.

Natalie, come to the mic and tell me who fucked it up. Natalie, come here. Come here. As my assistant, this is your job for the next 2 minutes. Okay, be— and be honest.

I don't care what Natalie's—

you can say me. I'm holding the mic.

I think it was mutual.

No, no, Natalie. Natalie.

I mean, Trisha David, you know that Trisha is like— you are— if you joke with her, she's very literal. So if you say something, she'll be like, really? Like, I could say like, I was— I had sex with an alien this morning. She'd be like, what, really? You know what I mean? You know how literal she is. And you've done that for me, to me before, where you've said things and you've ruined surprises. That's your fault, 100%.

It is not my fault, bro. How would I even ever assume that someone would buy me a Ferrari for Christmas?

Are you crazy? Because, because you are very smart and you know how YouTube works and you know how people think and you know that like—

I did not ask— that's a great video, but I would never—

you know that, bro.

I, I literally just—

you're the most savvy YouTube person here.

I just— I asked anyone— I asked that question because it was so absurd and ridiculous. I didn't ask it because I was trying to ruin a surprise.

Be honest.

Are you crazy?

There wasn't a little part of you that thought Trisha would do that?

No, no. No, not a single part of me. You think I would have asked that if there was a little part of me that thought? I was like, can I— how do I take that back? I was like, I literally— I got out of my car, I pulled the car over, and I was like, I guess you're not that smart. I was like, how can I go fucking back? I've never been in a situation where I'm like, let me go back in time, please, please. What have I done? What have I done to fuck myself this hard?

I'm so glad you did, because I was like, I'm like, you can't spend $200 and $60,000 on David. You just can't. And then she goes, then she's like, she's like, she's like, why? I'm like, you can buy a house with that money. I'm like, you need to buy— she's like, I don't want a fucking house. I don't want— she's like, we're not getting married. She's like, we're not living together. So somehow I think it's like punishing me too in some way.

I hate this. I hate this. I'm so— I literally want to cry right now. Like, look at my— look at me.

Well, that's the other things that are going on in your life.

No, I'm— I'm— dude, I was broken when I heard that.

Oh, you wouldn't have taken a Ferrari from her anyway.

I wouldn't have, but the gesture would be amazing, and I'd give her all the money that it takes to actually give it to me properly.

Oh my God. Shouldn't have done it. Oh well. Well, moving on.

You're an asshole. And Trisha, if you're listening to this, I really, really, really appreciate it. I really do. But please, next time I say something crazy, just know that I'm making shit up. I would never try to ruin a surprise like that on purpose.

Walk outside at the driveway right now.

Get the fuck out of here.

Come on, come with me. Take a look outside.

Look out the window. No, stop. I'm so sad. Okay, so yeah, so that was— this was a serious thing.

I thought that was pretty funny.

I ruined the surprise for them.

And it filled 6 minutes.

I was about to get a free Ferrari 458.

Well, you never know. You might still get it.

Yeah, well, I fucked myself. I don't want to talk about it ever again. Can this be the last time? Can we genuinely drop it?

Yeah, I promise.

OK. And I know maybe I'm being like overdramatic, but it's just like, can you imagine like you wanting something so bad and then someone almost giving it to you for free? And then you just— you fuck yourself over by guessing it?

I can't imagine it.

It's crazy.

It's classic you.

It's just insane. It's insane.

Well, it's OK. It's not the end of the world.

It's very close to it. This is how I imagine it.

Did you have some ghosts in here the other night?

We did. We had ghosts here the other day.

Nice.

Nice.

Well, I love when people have ghosts. It feels like everyone in LA has ghosts.

Well, I don't believe in ghosts. I think it was just kind of like a mess up. So our friend Scott surprised me with a bunch of candles. And not a bunch of candles. He surprised me by changing my house into a haunted house. So he set up a bunch of candles around. It was like very spooky. And whatever. I went to bed.

Spider webs on the treadmill.

Spider webs on the treadmill. The whole thing was Halloween custom, whatever. It was fun. And then I went to bed. It was like 4 AM, because I just got done posting my vlog. And I went around the room. It was dark, pitch black. And I blew out all the candles. And I could see the candles, because they were lighting up, because it was pitch black in my house. I had all the lights off so I can see the candles, because I didn't want the house to burn down. So I blew them all out, and then the next morning we woke up and 2 of the candles were on. Completely on. And Natalie was like, why did you light the candles so early in the morning? I'm like, what are you fucking talking about? I didn't light any candles. And then we looked at the candles, they were on, and I mean, that's about it.

Did anyone see you blow the candles out?

Jason, I stood right over the candle and I blew it out.

Sometimes you blow it out and it comes back on.

No, I blew it out and I played with the wax too. It was 4 AM, and I blew it out, smoke came up, and then I stuck my finger in the wax because I thought it was fun. That's how I remember I did it. And then the next morning, 2 of them were on.

Man.

And they were like one of those Jesus candles that a lot of families have that has a special message on the back, that has a prayer on the back.

Did your parents send you that?

No, it was Scott. I already told you.

Oh, so they came from Scott.

Stop trying to dissect these things. So your parents must be involved. Must be the relationship with them.

The ghosts are here.

Yeah, I mean, love you didn't get as a child, but yeah, I don't know, it's not, it's not much of a, not much of a story, but it was, it was very thrilling at the time.

Is that your first, uh, experience with ghosts in this house?

No, I've, I've, uh, I've hooked up with ghosts.

Oh really?

Yeah. No, it is. I mean, no, we've definitely had like weird encounters, right?

What happened? Like, did you call, call her the next day, or—

No, I'm— No, we've had weird encounters with like spirits, but like I think it's all fucking bullshit.

Well, how do you explain it?

Well, how do I explain it?

I don't know.

The other day I was like, if there's a ghost in here— I was just sitting in my room alone, and I was like, if there's a ghost in here, I want you to stab me in my sleep. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And I told him, I was like, I don't want it to be like a painful stab. I just want it to be like, that's it.

One clean stab.

Like, clean— like, stab me in the heart. I probably will think it's a bad dream. I'll wake up maybe for 3 seconds of pain, and I'm out. And nothing happened. I woke up the next morning and I was back to this. I woke up, I woke up next morning with a text from you and honestly it was kind of like I got stabbed.

Like, fuck, I'm still here working with this guy. Seriously, what's going on with you? You, you, you've been talking about that lately. You're, you're kind of going through something.

I had a breakdown the other day. I don't know.

I'm— Tell everybody.

Well, I'm—

I won't like get too much into it because I got a, I got a text the other day from Natalie. Can you come over here and talk to David? Which never happens. Yeah. And, and after the Streamys— congratulations, David, on your Streamy wins— after the Streamys, we came into the room here and David was still editing his vlog and Joe was sitting down and I was sitting down, and David just goes— I've never heard him say this before— he goes, guys, I'm sorry that I yell at you sometimes. Joe and I were like— Joe and I both look up from our laptops I was actually high. I didn't have a laptop. Joe looks up. Joe has his— I was high, so I was like, did I just hear that right? Meanwhile, David's working. I'm smoking pot outside. And Joe just looks up from his laptop, and he looks at me, and he's like— Joe doesn't know what to do. We both got so uncomfortable. We were like, oh my God, he's apologizing. But he wasn't yelling. He hasn't yelled at us in a while.

But he definitely has.

And then I think I apologize for yelling at you.

No, yeah, I just had a— I wouldn't want to get too much into it, but I did have a little bit of a breakdown.

You can't do that.

I know.

You can't say to everybody, I don't want to get too much into it, but my life is falling apart.

No, it was— honestly, the root of my problem is I'm really being fucked on my YouTube channel. And I said this— I don't want to keep— because I talk about this every fucking week.

Tell what's—

I don't want to— I'll get into that.

You can't go into it because you don't want to give reasons?

I don't want to get into it yet, but I'll talk about it on my YouTube channel. I am making maybe 1/20th of what I used to be making on my channel. I mean, I am making so many, like I can't afford the videos I'm making anymore. Like even getting a party bus now is like, I mean, I still make a ton of money other places. Like I'm not hurting for money, but like I'm just saying, like if the videos were the only things paying for the videos, then I wouldn't be able to afford them. There's no way. But I'm lucky and I sell a lot of merch. I have this podcast. I do a bunch of brand deals. So everything's good. But like, I just feel really underappreciated.

Trisha and I try to pay for David when we go places now. Like, we go to Pinkberry. Yeah, we pick up his Pinkberry. I threw him some money for the Party Buzz the other day.

We went to Olive Garden and I was like, I forgot my wallet at home. And I was, I was genuine, I was being genuine. I'm like, oh wait, Natalie— because Natalie came with us, with me and Trisha, to Olive Garden. And I'm like, wait, Natalie, don't you have, don't you have my business card? We can just use that. And she's like, yeah, I left it in the car. And then I was like On second thought, just leave it in the car. And then Trisha grabbed dinner.

Oh my God.

No, but it's not, it's not, I, this is the last thing I'm going to say and then I want to leave it because it's just like, it's whatever. I just, I just feel kind of underappreciated on YouTube from, from the whole system. I just feel like I'm getting fucked by the system. Not by like you guys, like you guys show me so much love and I get so much support, but like by the actual like monetary aspect of YouTube, I feel like I'm being really underappreciated, and it really sucks. Like I said before, I'm like the 6th highest earning person in my friend group when it comes to just YouTube.

Right.

And I'm getting, you know, quadruple the views of other people, so it's kind of weird. Whatever, who cares? I don't want to get into that. Let's get into more fun stuff like ZipRecruiter, because ZipRecruiter is our—

Let's not talk about the most interesting thing going on this year.

Honestly, I'm—

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Go ahead.

This is— this is— this also has kind of like a little bit, um, a little bit of the— of my breakdown. Um, I, I've just— I've just been so fed up recently with like the empty promises in LA. Like, it is— it is meeting after meeting after meeting where there are opportunities presented that fall through. Like, I mean, ever. Like, I mean, you've been around.

My entire life has been that, David.

It's been— yeah, you've had 30 years of opportunities that have fallen through.

Yeah.

And I don't think there is a place worse than L.A. for false promises.

I mean, it doesn't happen in Vernon Hills. They don't say, like, come down to Subway tomorrow, you got the job, and then you get there and it doesn't happen.

No, it's like, it's— there have— this year, guys, if I was to talk about all the things, all the things that I've almost achieved, or almost have gotten to do, or almost have been a part of.

For example?

I would be— I don't even want to do examples. But I would be able to write a book about my year, because I would be the most amazing 22-year-old person on the planet. But it's just not true. There have been so many opportunities that fall through. And it's crazy, because I have meetings now, and I go, listen. Like, the last 5 meetings, Natalie can attest to this, I'm like, this is, I know what you're telling me, like, this isn't gonna work. I know you're not gonna be able to pull through. And all of them, all the people go, trust me, we're different, we get shit done. And I don't hear from them for fucking 4 weeks. And that's after me being to them like, face to face, I'm like, you're not gonna be able to do this, because I know how this works. You're sitting here, and you're trying to fucking tickle my pickle, when I know for a fact that this won't come true. And all of them are like, We're different. We're different. Trust me, we work quickly. And I don't hear from them ever. And then maybe I hear from them 5 weeks later and they're like, we just lost momentum. We can't get it up right now, but we would really love to work with you in the future. That is every call. And it's just like, I'm so over it. Like, it's—

it— I'm gonna say that to Trisha when I get an assist.

There's an over-promising and under-delivering problem in LA. Like, that's all it is. Everyone over-promises and everyone under-delivers. I don't think that's how this place should work. If I'm working with someone, I I always under-promise and over-deliver. That's how you do it.

Yeah, but your experience is just completely different than everyone else's. I don't work with a staff. You don't work with legal teams. You don't work with celebrities.

I know, it's—

Occasionally you do, and when you do work with a celebrity, it's literally you texting the celebrity.

It's just—

To be like, hey, I'm here.

Yeah, it's a mess. Regardless, I have a book coming out. It's called Almost. It's about how how my life could have improved the last year, but almost.

Trisha's been on my case lately for things that— she gets on my case for things that she wasn't around for.

Oh yeah, I saw this in the other car the other day in the car. That was fucking hilarious.

We were talking about one of my movies. Whenever my movie comes up, she goes—

Wait, wait, wait, let me set it up. We were talking about one of your movies that was from like the year 2014, '15?

Yeah.

Yeah, so it was a movie a while ago, like 3 years before you met Trisha.

Yeah.

And what did she say?

She's like, how come I wasn't in that, babe? And I'm like, I didn't fucking know you then. She literally says that one time. I go, I sit there like, I wasn't in that.

She knows what she's at because I was in the car. She goes, how come I wasn't in that? All your other friends were in it. I didn't know you for 3 years.

One time I told her I was going to do a one-man show and she goes, oh great, babe, can I be in it? It's a one-man show. It's just me.

That's fucking amazing.

Um, um, let me—

that was a weird— that was a weird awkward pause right there.

No, I liked it.

Why'd you like it?

Because I, I'm trying to get you to connect with your feelings right now.

I am.

I'm worried about you.

Oh my God, please let's drop it.

You can't call, call me for meetings in the middle of the day. You can't say things like, I'm really sorry that I yelled— I yell at you a lot.

You can't be nice all of a sudden. Um, we went We went to Vivid Entertainment the other day.

Oh, lots of fun.

Yesterday we met with Stephen Hirsch. You know, I looked up his net worth. Did you see my video? $100 million.

Really?

Yeah, that man is worth—

he's done all right.

That's crazy.

Good for him.

Vivid Entertainment is like one of the biggest porn production companies in the world. And we met with his kids. It was so interesting getting his kids' perspective on their dad being like this porn king.

I felt like a little bit like my kids I'm like, I wonder if my kids get shit for being a YouTuber. Like, it felt similar.

Oh, interesting.

Because I'm like a YouTuber, but I guess it's not the same as being a porn king.

It's almost the same. It's the—

they're the porn queen.

They're both very— they're both very exploitative.

Yeah, right, a little bit.

They're both very out there.

Um, sorry, continue.

But that's— no, I, I really didn't have much to say.

What was interesting was the girl got a lot of shit for what her dad did.

So, so Stephen has a daughter and a son And the son loves, loves being— he says he's called the porn prince in school. That's what people call him, and he loves it. Like, he loves it so much. And then the daughter has a different experience where she would get shit for it. Yeah, which is just kind of like a double standard, I guess. Yeah, um, but he— the son loves it. The daughter actually has a podcast we should mention.

Yeah, we should.

Not Safe for the Dinner Table, that's what it's called.

Not Safe for Dinner.

Not Safe for Dinner.

Alexa Hirsch.

Yeah, so you should go check that out. It's so interesting because she grew up with a with her dad being in the porn industry. That's so— have you— well, how did you first come across porn, I should say? What was your first experience with porn?

I was walking to school.

Okay.

And, um, I found a VHS tape.

Bullshit.

Yeah, swear to God.

This is a joke.

Not a joke. And it was literally on school grounds, me and my friend Topher.

You're kidding. No, you had a friend named Topher and you found a VHS tape?

Yeah, VHS tape. And it was pretty much like Straight. It was, it was always big boobs. It was definitely like a big boob movie, like Big Boobies 6 or something like that. And it was like hairy dongs, and it was fucking— it was like, what did you do?

You found it and you were—

yeah, we found it. And then like we all waited for my mom to like go out, like she was at work.

So you knew what it was right away when you found it?

When I saw the COVID I was like, fucking yes! I was like, yes, yes! I'm like, finally!

I'm like, like finding a golden ticket.

Yeah, I couldn't believe it. And it was like, um, passed around with all my friends too.

Oh wow. Someone would like take it for a while and you put it into the VHS player. How old were you?

I was probably like 15 or 16.

Okay, and you put it in the VHS player and you and your friend watched it?

Yeah, like 4 of us watched it, 5 of us watched it.

Wow, what was that like? That was your first time watching porn?

Yeah, it was just like, oh cool, this is great. I mean, it was, it was like, you know, it was just silence. It was just kind of like—

like you're watching a star born.

A Star Is Born.

Yeah. No, no, like you're actually watching a real, like, star. Like you're watching a nebula explode.

Oh, like, yeah. But when was your first time?

Um, my first experience, we were in my digital film class.

What?

Yeah. And this kid Felipe, Felipe, this kid Felipe was such a fucking interesting guy. We went, we went into— first of all, I should say this about Felipe. We went to a camping trip once and we were all in like one— we were in a bunch of bunk beds. Like it was like 4 bunk beds on top of each other. Like it was big and it was just kids in one huge room. It was one big room and 8 bunk beds with 4 bunks on each one. So it's a bunch of kids in one room, no teachers, nothing. And it was just one cabin. And it was like, I'm telling you, it was one room. Like there wasn't a kitchen, there wasn't— it was just one big room. And in the middle of the night, we're all cracking jokes. And Felipe yells, midnight service! And he gets completely naked and goes into each one of our bunks with his balls and rubs it all over us as we're sleeping. And we're all fucking cracking up. We're all having the best time. And he's running around. And everyone thinks it's so funny until Felipe chooses your bunk. And we're just like, fucking Mike's getting fucked with. Felipe has his balls in his fucking face and we're like, ah, fuck you, Mike. And then all of a sudden Felipe makes eye contact with you and he hops over from one bunk to the next and you're like, fuck, fuck, fuck. And then Mike's laughing at you now. And it was the best. That was like one of my fucking most, like the funniest memories I have. Um, that was in camp. Okay. That's like the best camp story. Like if you don't go, if someone doesn't whip out their dick in camp, you didn't go to camp.

I went to camp. I used to just go cry outside every day. That wasn't my experience.

There was those kids too. You went to camp?

Yeah, I went to camp. My parents made me go to camp once, and then, uh, it was awful. I hated it.

Why?

I just didn't like other kids.

Is it because they didn't like you?

Probably.

Um, no, but anyway, Felipe.

So what happened to Felipe?

Well, my— I'm telling you how I first came across porn. Yeah. Um, Felipe was the guy that introduced me. We were in my digital film class. We had like a work day to ourselves, whatever. Teacher was sitting at his desk and there was 4 kids huddled around a phone watching porn. And I came over and I'm like, what are you guys doing? And he's like, we're watching porn. Come watch. Come check this out. And I'm like, ew, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? I literally said that. I was like, you guys are fucking disgusting. And they go, come on. Dude, who cares? You do this at home. And I'm like— I've never watched porn. And this was just me having a conversation with Felipe. So the other 3 boys are still watching. And the second I say I've never watched porn, it's like I was porn, because everyone just fucking turned to me. And everyone was looking at me, and they were like, what? I was— I was—

Were you lying?

No, I wasn't lying.

You weren't lying?

I thought porn was disgusting.

Right.

Like, I thought it was like— I thought when people jerked off, like, I thought that was like a joke.

Right.

I thought masturbation was like something like disgusting people do. So, so, um, so they all turn to me like, what are you saying? Like, you've never— you've never jerked off? I'm like, no, no. And I wasn't even like kidding. I was like— I was disgusted. I'm like, you guys have touched yourselves? And they're like, yeah, I literally do it every night. And I'm like, what? And then I went to my lunch table, which was like mainly guys. There's like maybe 4 girls. And I was like, guys, I don't know how to bring this up, but it's so David.

But Felipe, that is so you.

But Felipe Mark and John, they jerk off.

I don't want to look like the asshole here.

And one of my friends was like, oh, what the fuck?

Oh, really?

Yeah. And then my other friends were like, hold on, hold on, hold on. And I feel like this is the first time we all talked about it. And then we had a discussion about whether or not it's OK. And then, yeah, and then, you know.

So you had like a set of friends that had it.

A couple days went by, and I was like, Felipe, you are a motherfucking G.

That—

this is—

how's it going, David? Huh? Working much better now, baby.

I feel free.

Um, no, but yeah, David walks to school the next day, he's got sunglasses on, slow-mo, he's pointing at everybody. Masturbated for the first time?

No, but yeah, I mean, that was the first time I, uh, my encounter with masturbation. But guys, we now— we have a segment that we like to call Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's a 25-second segment that we gave to our friend. He only gets 25 seconds to do it. It's really quick. I'm putting the timer on now. His name is Joe, and this is his teeny weeny podcast. Go.

Welcome back to Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast, the number one rated mini podcast within a podcast. And today we have our very first guest, David Dobrik's assistant, Natalie. Natalie, how are you? Hi, Joe. I'm doing so great today. That is all the time we have for today on Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. Thanks for stopping by, Natalie. Anything else to say? No problem. Thanks. All right.

You have 7 seconds.

Wow. We can plug my Twitter today. Guys, follow me on Twitter at @AchItsJo.

That's all the time we have. Joe, I still to this day, I am surprised at how little you say during 25 seconds. I feel like we get more done in 25 seconds, and we don't look forward to this all week. We have 40 minutes to kill, and I still feel like we talk about more than 25 seconds. You really make the 25 seconds feel like an hour. And I think maybe, maybe that's what's so amazing about you is—

Yeah, when you called out 7 seconds, I was like, fuck, 7 seconds left.

Yeah, I was like, holy shit, get me fucking over this. Yeah, that's, that's something else. Well, thank you for joining us, Joe.

Thanks for the opportunity. How's Vardaan's family?

They're great. But listen, before we can go anywhere else, I gotta pay the bills. We have to pay the bills. And Stitch Fix is—

I got my Stitch Fix. I have a new outfit.

It's an online personal styling service.

I have it on right now. Oh really? Doesn't it look great?

I was gonna say you look extra fly today.

Dope.

Uh, Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit your body, budget, and lifestyle. Just go to stitchfix.com/shoes and tell them your sizes, what styles you like, and how much you want to spend on each item. You'll be paired with your very own personal stylist who will handpick 5 items to send to your door right away. Then you try them on, pay only for what you love, and return the rest. Shipping, exchanges, and returns are always free. There's no subscription required. You can sign up to receive scheduled shipments or get your fix whenever you want. Stitch Fix styling fee is only $20, which is applied toward anything you keep from your shipment. Get started now at stitchfix.com/views, and you'll get an extra 25% off when you keep all 5 items in your box. That's stitchfix.com/views to get started today. Sitchfix.com/views for 25% off when you keep all 5 items in your box. Holy cow.

You doing any Christmas shopping yet, Dave?

I have not, but Joe just handed me an article. Can I read this to you? New Jersey pooper— pooperintendant pleads guilty to public defecation. Excuse me. Sorry, I am an idiot. Former high school student superintendent in New Jersey has pleaded guilty to public pooping on a local high school's track and football field. That's amazing. That's a town over from where Joe lives. He will have to pay a $500 fine and court costs. He's a 42-year-old and he took a shit on the football field.

That's the year you take shits on football fields. I can tell you as a 45-year-old man, 42 is when you're 42. It's a bad year.

Wow.

Yeah, you're really down.

What? When?

And you just don't give a fuck.

Have you ever had to take a poop in public?

No, I have like really great control. I've never shit my pants.

I've never even pooped in a— in my school. I've never used the bathroom.

I've never really— yeah, yeah, I would never do that.

I was that guy. I could never do that. There was, there was one of my friends, Nick Salerno— shout out to Nick Salerno— would take a shit every time we were in social studies class, and it would, it would get so repetitive that we'd have to send students out to get him because the teacher would think he was skipping class because it was every time was the same period. And he'd take literally a 12-minute shit.

Oh, I know Nick.

Yeah, Nick.

He seems like that type of guy. Yes, he would have— who would shit on time.

He's very particular about how long it takes. And I don't even think he, like— he didn't go and lollygag in the stall. Like, he wasn't on his phone. That was just part of his process. Like, he had to do it and sit there for 6 minutes and kind of recover.

But what did the teacher say? The teacher knew he was pooping 100%.

And every time he'd come back, it'd be very awkward because it'd be— the teacher would be like, how was your shit? So No, it's not that.

A teacher would not say that.

We had really cool teachers, Natalie and I. Natalie was my assistant now. Um, we, we used to have—

Your teachers swore?

What do you fucking mean?

You had teachers that would swear? Yes. Never in my school.

I'm telling you, we had Natalie and I had a teacher, um, I don't want to say his name, but he was like, he was fucking great. One day we were just like, I was like, I don't want to, I don't want to do anything today. And he's like, can you just leave? Can you just leave? Like, Just go leave, go do something. And I'm like, can I go home? And this is high school where you're not supposed to do it. He's like, just honestly do whatever you want. Yeah, go home. And so I'm like, can I bring someone with me? And he's like, yes, that's fine.

And what period was that?

Like 4th? I don't know. Well, it's the middle of the day. So I'm like, okay. So Natalie, Natalie and I left, we got in her car and we left and we went home and we got some food and we came back and we're like, what did we miss? And he's like, I don't know. And I'm like, can I just have an A? And he's like, yes, just please stop. And he would give us grades if we'd ask for it. It'd be amazing. And like, you'd get a bad grade on something and you'd be like, dude, I don't deserve this. And you'd be like— and he'd be like, why? And you'd be like, because it's just like, it's not fair. And he'd be like, I guess you're right.

I got to go to shit on the football field. He was fucking great. He sounds beaten down.

I learned so much more from— no, he wasn't beaten down.

He was like a real person, right?

He was very cool. I'm saying more that he— I'm making him sound like he didn't care for us, but he was very chill. That's the way. And I've learned more from that guy than I have from any of my teachers.

Really?

Because that laid-back attitude is exactly what gets shit done. Being like the uptight teachers that make you turn in shit on time, it doesn't teach you anything. That guy taught me so much because that guy was personable. And the thing is, when he did get serious, I respected him a lot more. More because I'm like, oh, he's getting serious, right? He doesn't get serious with me, so now I have to respect him. I have to give him my attention.

Oh, that's so interesting.

Like, and he was, he was a cool teacher and he was someone like I took a lot from. And then, then we had another teacher that would like, he was our autos teacher. I've told you about this guy and we would, we watched all the Fast and Furious movies a couple times. That was like our lesson in, in your shop class, in the shop class, and it kind of relates. Yeah, it was great. It is. I mean, he literally, he like, it is metal. Sometimes he'd start class and be like, you guys want to go in the shop today or you guys want to watch Fast and Furious? And we take a vote and there's always 3 kids that were like, I guess we'll do the shop. But everyone else is like, no, we're going to fucking watch Fast and Furious.

I, I relate to people.

And then, and then, and then there'd be someone on their phone during Fast and Furious and he'd be like, hey Randy, get off your phone.

This is the best part. So you're gonna miss it.

Yeah, no, so he'd be great.

Um, I, I feel that way too. Like, my favorite, my favorite celebrities are the ones that have completely real moments. Like, like, uh, Dave Chappelle is my favorite comedian.

Sure.

Because number one, I think he's the funniest, but also like, he walked away from his Comedy Central show, he had like a huge breakdown. And I just like, I just admire him for, for that. I don't know why, he just makes him so much more human.

He had a real breakdown?

Well, he was getting paid a ton of money by Comedy Central to do his show, The Chappelle Show, and he walked away from it because it started to like drive him nuts. Oh wow. I'm doing like a really like soft version of that story because I don't know the whole story, but he did walk away from like $50 million. But then like ever since then, I'm always like, he's so fascinating because like It's a lot of money.

Yeah, it's crazy.

And then it— but then it took him like another 10 years to come back and have these two awesome specials on Netflix. But when you saw those two specials, you were like, damn, like that was 10 years that he— that he worked and, you know, and, and came out with something great. This is kind of cool.

Have you ever— have you ever passed up on a lot of money?

Yeah, when I had this friend David who, um, I was doing a podcast with.

I remember that.

And someone offered us a million dollars And David said, "No, I don't think so." Someone offered us— And then eventually the, "No, this is great. You gotta, my friend David, he's great." It wasn't a million dollars. He's a YouTuber. It was $700,000, I think. I think I told you it was $700,000. And it was really funny, 'cause the company who offered it to us folded, and we would've just got the money. But my friend David, you know, he does things differently, so.

Yeah, we passed on it, but we're better. We're stronger now.

Yeah.

Who needs that money?

Then you wonder why you don't have any fucking money, you dumbass.

Who needs that money? Because it was going to hurt our podcast.

Why?

Because we were going to be on some shit fucking app that no one gives a fuck about.

That died. It doesn't mean the content was going to change. We would have pocketed money. You'd have the Ferrari in your yard right now.

I'm not selling out for some fucking asshole app.

I'm serious. Go outside. Look out the window.

Get the fuck out of here. I told you also not to bring it up.

Oh, fuck. I'm sorry.

Guys, well, honestly, that's not all the time we have. I have time for one more story. Man sets home on fire after using blowtorch to kill spiders.

Jesus, David, it's too close to home.

Have you ever killed a spider?

I'm actually worried that's gonna happen.

I relate all the stories. Jason, have you ever been in a situation where you've murdered a spider?

I murder them all the time.

I always wonder how easy it is to set your house on fire.

Why are people so scared of fires? Oh, really easy.

It is?

If I hold up a match to the wall, will it catch?

No.

Hold my mic, Joe. Yeah, but like, what is it? Like, what takes it? Like, how do you set it on fire? Oh, you need like a gas leak, right? You can't just—

yeah, I don't know.

I just can't—

I have to catch it somehow. You could probably put the couch on fire with a match.

Really? Yeah. I like a hard time understanding like how like one candle can set an entire house on fire.

If it hits a drape, the drapes— oh yeah, if it goes up— fire is crazy. Fire will take you out.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's pretty wild.

How have some— ask me about my kids. I know you care.

How are your kids?

They're great.

Yeah, who cares?

I drive, I drive another kid in the morning.

Oh, you drive a new kid now?

Yeah.

Why?

His name's Sean and he talks like this, and he has, um, he's not from the South, and he's a really cool kid. Whoa. And he plays trombone.

And then he talks nasally or like with a British accent? You're doing both.

I think it's a Southern accent.

Oh, okay.

It's just like a little Southern twang.

What is his name?

His name is Sean.

Sean?

Yeah, and he goes by the nickname Big Shahoon.

Keep talking as him, I think it's really funny.

Well, I'll beep in the morning, and he comes in and he has, he's got 4 items every morning. He's got a notebook, a lunch, a tuba, and a really heavy backpack.

You know what's amazing about this podcast is like sometimes you'll get fun stories and sometimes you'll get stories about tuba playing people.

And you know what, I'll get a ton of tweets later and they'll be like, we were loving the story about Sean until David cut it off.

I actually do like the story.

No, it's boring as shit.

No, he has a big backpack. And then just say one more thing in Sean's voice.

He got in the car the other day and he— because his mom is, um, they're really into music in the family. His mom's like a composer and whatever, and they're a very musical family. And he gets in the car and he just goes, he goes, "I went to the, um, I went to the Follies the other night down at the school. I went to the 7th grade Follies and the performance was just uninspired." How old is he? He's Wyatt's age, he's 12.

Oh my God, he's great. He's the word uninspired, that's amazing. Yeah, uninspired.

Anyway, well, David, that is all the time we have for this podcast. It's It's coming to an end.

Yeah, I gotta go wash Jason's feet and clip his toenails. And then maybe Joe will take a bite out of them.

What do you want to say to everybody before you go, Dave?

I'm still trying to sell the ad space to a brand. I still have Wednesday and Friday up for grabs. This is where my story comes in. I've talked to so many brands where they're like, yes, we'd love to do this. But if you're taking a long time to say yes to it, It's a no, it's a no from me. Like, you can't— like, if you're gonna hop on this, send me an email and be like, we're ready, we have the budget, let's do it, let's get it done. But yeah, I'm still trying to sell the ad space in front of my vlogs.

And also, if you're a celebrity— if you're a kid with a celebrity parent, please let us know.

Yeah, hit us up in the emails or in the DMs, and we'll figure out— tweet at us. I think that's probably the easiest way to get a hold of us. And yeah, just keep tweeting us and we'll definitely see it. Okay. That's all the time we have. I have new merch out. It's really cool. Go buy it. Go support us, because that's kind of my only way I make money now. But I'll see you guys later.

Go support David so I don't have to keep paying for Pinkberry.

That's never going to change. Wow, the fucking tides have changed. The tables have definitely turned.

Pray for David, guys. Pray for David.

No, guys, I'm good. Definitely, please don't feel bad for me at all. No, I don't feel bad for you. No, I'm literally— everything's so fucking great. I'm just— I'm just complaining because it's my podcast and I get to do whatever I want. So I'll see you guys later. Bye.