David Starts A Pizza Company

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I reveal stuff about each other. This podcast, I may or may not tell you guys about my cyst.

I killed somebody.

What? Oh my God. Well, tune in for murder and cysts.

I thought—

No, not that.

Yours is going to be more revealing than mine.

That's not this episode.

Misjudged it.

Yeah, you did. Okay, I got to go. I just have a little cyst going on under my skin. You murdered somebody?

No. No, no. Why would I? No, I didn't say that. Just roll the intro music.

No, that's not— that's my job.

Huh?

Okay. Did you kill somebody?

I'm in deep shit.

Roll the intro music. Megan's here. She's our co-host. She's not a co-host. She's my publicist.

I am now the co-host.

Megan, I have a question.

Your job is done.

Good luck to you.

I have a question. You're my publicist. When you were growing up, you wanted to be a publicist, right? At one point you decided—

Yeah, at one point, but I wanted to be a pop star, actually.

Oh, you did?

Yeah, I wanted to be like Britney Spears.

Oh, so you fell onto the other end of it, but you're still kind of in it. Okay, so my question is, you're my publicist, I'm an influencer, YouTuber, did you ever—

Digital star and TV personality is how I refer to you.

Thank you for hyping me up. Yeah, dude, fucking, it's so funny, like, yo, like, Megan hypes me up so much, it's really fucking embarrassing.

Okay, it's also my job to do that.

No, I know, but like, we've been— we actually got in a fight about this in New York.

Yeah, he made me cry.

I didn't make— I, I—

oh really?

Okay, I made her cry, but we were there for New York Fashion Week.

I can't wait to hear your notes where you say cut out the part where David made me cry.

No, no, no, let's talk about this.

I went up in my room and cried.

What?

I told you this. I sat in the bathtub. I blocked your number, remember?

Oh yeah, you did.

I was like, wait, that doesn't work. Yeah, I blocked it for like 12 hours.

She blocked it for— okay.

And then we had to get on a flight, and I was like, David, there was one time we got in a fight, me and Megan.

And it's, what happened? What exactly happened?

We were at some fashion week party and you were talking to a group of people.

Yes, yes, we were at a fashion week party and I was talking to like my peers, like other influencers.

How annoying is that?

What?

Your peers.

No, I mean, that's what it was. We were talking to other people that like do what I do. And then Megan comes in and I don't know if it was like, if it—

You were talking about the next day and they were like, what are you guys doing? And David goes, oh, nothing. You know, just getting on the flight. And I was like, no, you have press in the morning. Like, we have a full press day tomorrow.

No, no, Megan goes, no, not nothing. You have Fallon in the morning. You have— and then she went off the publicist list, like, in front of these people where, like, I love downplaying shit. Like, I don't give a fuck. I don't want to say that in front of people, especially I don't know, because I want to come off, like, tacky. And it's cute how Megan does it because she's just, like, proud and happy and excited. But, but you know why it's weird from my point of view?

100%.

Yeah, but he's lying.

No, I'm not lying.

I wouldn't cry over that. He was just so like cold and mean about it. And I— we'd had a really long day.

What did he say? Megan, when I'm around other people, don't talk me up like that.

Yeah, don't do that. He goes— he pulled me aside, he goes, I hate when you do that.

And then—

you don't remember this?

No, I do. That sounds right. No, no, I just— I genuinely just do. Like, I— it's happened multiple times, and I told her, hate when you say that.

And I've told her, it's always appropriate. Like, I'm not trying to make you sound cooler, but you were— it was Along the lines of, it was like a scheduling thing. They were asking you what you were doing the next day, and I was like, no, you're not free, we have this, this, and this.

I know, but there's something so weird when you're like—

And then you called me out in front of them, and I was all embarrassed.

Oh, I did?

What did you say in front of them?

No, I didn't call you out for it. You did! No, I didn't! Now you're fucking, you're making it, no, I told you that in the car later.

The meanest client ever.

No, you weren't.

That's a big thing for David, is like if you start to appear unhumble, he gets very, very upset.

It just made me uncomfortable, 'cause we were just like—

Well, I've never done it again, have I? I'm sensitive.

But like, I was like, I was like, yeah, because it just comes off weird, especially in this line of work. Like, if it's like, if you're a business guy and you have like, no, you have that meeting at 8 o'clock, that's fine. But when you're like listing, like you had that interview with E! and then you're doing Access Hollywood at 4, it sounds so fucking weird and it sounds like you're just bragging in front of people. And I just didn't like that. I don't know. I'm sorry, Megan.

That's the first time you've ever said I'm sorry.

Oh, fuck off. That's not true.

I forgive you, David.

That's not true.

I will unblock your number.

Has he ever said I'm sorry to you, Ella?

I think once he said I'm sorry. We all get one sorry. But it's never like, I'm sorry. It's like, I'm sorry, but like, you know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm trying to think if you ever said I'm sorry to me.

Hey, hold on. You guys are saying this like I owe you guys all apologies.

Can I say one thing? Sometimes you'll say like, thank you, Megan, and it feels so out of place. I'll be like, are you okay?

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Oh my God. Really? Like yesterday he was like, Hey Jay, you wanna come hang out and go to Jack's house and bring him flowers? Jack's our manager. And I was like, oh shit, what's wrong? Yeah, like when he did—

Oh, like it was weird that I was bringing flowers to our manager? Yeah, like, oh, that was fucking sick.

I know Jack called me today, he goes, did you see on Instagram? I was like, I was shocked. He goes, I couldn't believe it.

Yeah, we went to my manager Jack's house the other day and I brought him flowers and it was so weird, like getting out of the car, like, cause especially when we were vlogging, there was no time to do fucking that. There was no, there was no time to stop at somebody's house and give them flowers. Like it was, It's such a regular person thing to do. That was not part of what we were doing when I was vlogging, and it was so weird that I did it for the first time. I pulled up to his house, I got out, it was sunny, I took a note of how beautiful it was out that day, the cars were whizzing by, I checked how close I was to the curb. I had so much time on my hands, and then I even fucking opened the trunk. To other people, this probably sounds crazy. Like, yeah, what do you mean you went and deliver something. But like, when we were vlogging, this was not a normal thing to do. Like, there's no way we're stopping at our— I wouldn't take a call from Jack. Like, we had— that was not in our brain space. Like, I did not have time to talk to Jack about whatever he wanted to talk about. Now we were— I was at his house with a bouquet of flowers that I took time to pick out, and I was there standing next to him and going like, hey dude, happy birthday. And he was like, why are you here?

Jonah and I were standing there and Jonah was like, This is so out of place for Dave. I'm like, just let him do it.

I know, even like, you must have had a day yesterday, 'cause last night we were texting about something and I was like, I've got your back, David. You're like, you too, Megan, with a ton of exclamation points, like appreciate you. And I literally go, are you okay? He goes, yes. I go, promise?

Yeah, that was a little strange. But Megan, I'm sorry that I made you cry that day.

Thank you.

Megan, I wanted to ask you, would you ever wanna be a publicist for anybody like cooler? Like, do you know what I mean? Like in a perfect world.

Chrissy Teigen.

In a perfect world.

Chrissy Teigen is my dream client. Do you actually wanna know an answer?

Yeah, like in a perfect world, would you rather be like, hey, in a perfect—

Do you want a real story here?

In a perfect world, would you rather be Kevin Hart's publicist or my publicist?

Why can't I be both?

Okay, no, I know, but like, I'm not asking—

So, okay, to give you context.

Okay.

So the reason I am in the digital space, and this is really cheesy, but in college when I was studying PR, I would watch YouTube like just as my downtime. That was kind of like what I enjoyed. And I'm, I'm a little older than you, 2 years, but I'm just, I just missed that gap where like YouTube was the, you know, the entertainment.

Right.

Um, so all my friends are like, why do you watch YouTube all the time? Like, what is this? I actually, I didn't, I didn't watch you, but it was like Jenna Marbles, like that kind of stuff.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, and then as I was, I think it was senior year and I was, I was a PR major and I was like, how do I merge these two? 'Cause I was doing like food PR and there wasn't really entertainment in Boston. And one of my friends was like, well, why don't you try merging, you know, your love for YouTube and PR? So I found a company that did it and I cold called them and they hired me as a temp.

Wow. And then how did we get paired up?

I became an assistant there. So I was a temp there for like, a month maybe, and then they made me an assistant. And I worked with like a bunch of different influencers and events and just like kind of got my way in. And then I was working the Streamys. I was their publicist. And you were, you know, top of our list. You guys all were coming. And so I had like printed out your name tags and I was going to walk you guys down the carpet. And I remember I was emailing with Jack and he was like, hey, so my name is Jack Reed. I'm David's manager. I'm going to be bringing Natalie. She's going to walk the guys down. And I was like, Natalie, like the assistant? She's gonna— I was like, does he not have a publicist? And then you showed up to the Streamys carpet and I kind of grabbed you and I was like, I can help you walk down. And so we started doing interviews together down the carpet.

I kind of grabbed you and I threw you in a closet.

I basically kidnapped you that day.

Right.

And then I think after that, I like met Jack that night and I was like, we should work together. And then you have me come over to the house. And the very first time I met you, the second time, I guess, you had a— you brought like a flamethrower to answer the door. I was like, what the hell is this?

Oh really? Yeah.

At what age did you know you wouldn't be a pop star?

Uh, good question. I'm still hoping for that.

That's so interesting.

If I could sing, it would happen, you know.

First impression of me, go.

Very charming.

Oh hell yeah. I thought it was gonna be—

you know that that's your first impression.

Yeah, but I thought it was gonna be mean.

First impression of me, go.

Also charming. You were really funny because I think you were so like—

what did you say?

Stinky.

Your feet were stinky. Actually, I just remembered the first time I ever saw your face. Did you have, at VidCon one year, have a car with your face all over it?

Yeah, I— yeah, it was— well, it was Todd's car. Yeah, yeah, okay.

That was the first time I saw— I was like, who is this kid?

So weird.

It is everywhere.

That's so weird. That's how Taylor saw me for the first time.

Stop.

Yeah, Taylor—

so weird.

Todd used to— Taylor used to live in the same apartment as Corinna, Todd's ex. Oh yeah. And Todd would park right— Corinna Yeah, yeah, no, but just for people listening. You forget we're doing a podcast?

Sorry, I thought we were just talking.

Todd would park right next to Taylor's car, and Taylor showed me Snapchats where she would Snapchat the car, and she'd be like, what the fuck is this? Yeah, and now Taylor works here, and now you work with us. It's crazy.

Doing the carpet's bizarre though. It never feels like I should be there.

Yeah, I fucking hate doing the carpets.

I don't understand that mindset.

It also sucks, like, Like when we went to the Endgame premiere, that was like my least favorite carpet.

Yeah, well, that's tough. You were up against like—

because when you saw Natalie Portman—

no, no, I loved being there, but I loved— I hated walking it. Like you made me walk it, remember?

You made me—

no, you did.

It's a huge deal. Yeah, I made you walk.

No, but it's like I was right after Paul Rudd and fucking like, uh, I think it was Mark Ruffalo.

And tell people what it's like. It's—

I don't know, Megan, there's 400 camera people all on tiers and There's like, you know what it is? First of all, it's— yeah, it's the big— it was the biggest— it was the biggest Avengers movie ever, and all the superheroes are coming. This is a big deal. It's a very small premiere. Like, it's literally— I don't know how we got into the premiere. It was so intimate. It was literally the actors and us. Like, I fucking shit you not. Um, and, and yeah, they're all walking in. Obviously all the camera guys are like, Scarlett, Scarlett Johansson, Scarlett, over here! And like, everybody knows everybody's fucking name. And like, sometimes, well, a lot of times on carpets, like there's a lot of people that come out on the carpets that maybe not every photographer knows, so like publicists will have to hold up signs with the person's name on it.

It's actually for spelling.

Oh, it's for spelling?

Yeah.

Okay, so yeah, so then Megan comes up, you know, everyone's going, Paul, Paul, over here, Paul Rudd, over here, Robert, Robert, Downey, right here, right here, Natalie, and like, and they're all screaming these like, you know, huge stars' names, and then I'm like, I'm not fucking walking after these fucking people. Like no one's gonna wanna take a picture of me. And then Megan goes, you gotta do it, you gotta do it. Megan, she's just like, That's what Megan sounds like on the carpet.

No, David does the meanest impersonation of me.

Yeah, like, ooh, you gotta do the carpet, David.

There was a bit of confusion when you got on the carpet.

So here's the thing.

Yeah, and then Megan's standing there holding my name, David Dobrik.

They were completely disappointed. They were like, okay, we'll shoot this guy.

Like, maybe he's in the movie.

I know I was invited. He walks the carpet. I know, Megan, I'm telling you, Megan is like, I'm a glass half empty kind of guy, and she's like a glass half full and also I think it kinda looks completely full to me. That's the kinda girl Megan is. Megan's like, I think we have enough here for a couple people. Megan's like a super overly optimistic person where like, that's exactly where we differ and that's why we got into that one fight in New York about like how she hypes me up too much because I get so uncomfortable by it and she's just like, you deserve to be on this carpet and I'm just like— I have to balance you. And I'm just like, this is so fucking weird. I shouldn't be on this carpet and like, it's just weird to hear all the cameras go, and then when I step on it goes.

That is not true.

Click, click, click.

That's just not true.

And then, yeah, Paul Rudd comes back, he puts his foot in, and it goes— And it just feels— I mean, that is true.

No, it's not actually.

No, it is true.

But I'm sure even Paul Rudd probably felt weird that night.

It's overwhelming.

'Cause he's like, he thinks everyone wants to talk to Chris Hemsworth.

Yeah, but he probably looked at me and he's like, well, at least I'm not that guy. Be fair. He looked at me and he's like, at least I'm a fucking superhero.

You maybe am, man.

No, I get it. No, but I appreciate Megan for hyping me up, It's very, it's very scary at times.

I'm gonna lay some fucking facts down on you right now, dog. Yeah, listen up. You may be the big dog around here, but check this shit out.

Yeah.

I get credit for Joe. Hell yeah.

I know, I remember where you introduced— we talked about this.

Yeah, and you get credit for me.

Shit.

Scott gets credit for Todd.

What do you mean?

Todd gets credit for Jeff. We're talking about friend origin.

Oh, friend origin.

Who brought who in? Who brought who in?

Yeah.

Zane and Heath get credit for you.

I remember, I remember. Oh yeah, Zane and Heath brought me into the Finger, for sure. Yeah, I remember when I met Joe, we were sitting at the chateau and it was a Chateau Marmont. That was the first time Joe made like a move on me. And, and Joe— and I fucking— I knew like he filmed stuff with you and I knew it was fucking coming. I knew because I knew, I knew Joe was the type of guy that was like, like, hey, I'm out here filming, I'll film whatever for you. You know, Joe's a very— like, there's a lot of people like Joe Um, I don't mean this in a bad way. Joe's like the— my favorite out of all those people. But there's a lot of people like Joe that are so driven and that will do— I mean, I guess this is a good thing. There's a lot of people in LA that are so driven and they're like, they'll, they'll be like, here's my business card, here's my business card. And I knew Joe was one of those people. Um, and I was sitting right, right by you at the Chateau. I just finished an apple and I think Jason, you were doing something else. Um, and it was just me and him and he turns to me I was on his left and he looks right over his knee and he looks at me and he goes, "Yeah, you know, I could shoot stuff for you. I shoot stuff for Jason all the time. Like, I could help you out." And I was like, there it is. He's like, there's the ask.

I respect that.

And I was like, great, here, okay. Well, Joe's part of my life now.

Did that really happen?

100%.

I remember seeing you and Liza standing there at that part, the Vine party, like on Halloween. And I went over to introduce myself to you guys and I introduced myself to like 100 people.

Vine party, are you saying the—

Niche party.

The niche party. Yeah.

Oh, when Josh Peck was there. Yeah, Jason brought me to a dinner with like 20 of the top Viners, like top of the top, and I just moved out to LA for like 3 weeks ago. I was like, how the fuck did I get here?

No, the first time we properly interacted was the Chateau. But I remember that fucking Vine party too, the niche one, bro. That was fucking crazy. There's a big Vine logo on the wall, right? Yeah. Yeah, it was big green. It was like the biggest fucking Viners. It was crazy being around Viners at the time. Like when Vine was pop— TikTokers now. Yeah, but when Vine— but it was different. It was like—

It was the first of its kind.

It was the first of its kind. And being around big Viners was like— I remember once we went to Casey James' house and Rudy Mancuso was there or something. And I remember Alex and I went to the bathroom and we were just like, whoa, this is fucking crazy. This is fucking crazy. And that was really bizarre. Addison told me, Addison Rae told me a really funny story. She said the first time we came over, it was her and Dixie. And she told me, she's like, we came over and we just like got back from like hanging out. Like we met up with them at like Saddle Ranch. This was like 9 or 10 months ago. She said they came over and they went to go use my bathroom, both of them. And they said right when they closed the bathroom door, they just started fucking freaking out. I thought that was so funny 'cause like that's exactly like what I was doing like with all the other Viners. And then, yeah, and then they just like become a regular part of your life. That's the best part about this place is like you fangirl over all these people and then you just become their fucking friends. It's like so cool.

The one thing I'll say about Joe though, and I think it's a good lesson for anybody, is like, he— if you want to like— I don't know, you always, you're always like, we're really helpful, you know. You're a very value-added kind of guy. You always brought more than you took. I give everything and I expect nothing. Yeah, that's a good way to be.

Yeah, that's deep.

That's a really good way to be.

Yeah, I give everything and I expect nothing.

I remember when David started to like you, I was like, oh God, thank God.

And when we first worked together, Jay, I remember I know how I met you at the comedy club.

You said you want to come by tomorrow and do this bit. Went in, I showed up at your apartment. Alex was there, who I loved. Alex was so funny, and I was like—

but I remember for a time when we were filming, people thought you were replacing Alex. Uh, yes. And Alex was in the videos less, and you were in the videos a lot more. Remember how hard it was for people to like you?

Yeah, you told me that you used to delete comments.

Yeah, I used to delete comments so you wouldn't see them. I'm saying this now because people love you now, but I'm just saying people took a long time to warm up to you just because he old. They were like, they're like, I don't like this. Like, like, he's old and you guys are young. And like, people are just confused by it. But then like, people like finally started to realize that you were like the funniest out of the group. And then they're like, okay, okay, he can stay.

I didn't, I didn't read the comments. Luckily I was too old to know where to find the comments.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I would, I would, I would delete them because, because people just weren't getting it.

Thank you, David. Thank you for standing by me. That's, that's pretty amazing.

Did you know Taylor's right now, she's with her friends at like a place in California, and the mayor of the town, his name is Max, and he's a golden retriever, and he's the actual— this is fucking real— he's a real— he's the real mayor. He's the only mayor-appointed dog, and like, he'll go around the city and he wears a tie all the time. He has a tie. Yeah. Oh yeah, he's the cutest golden retriever, Max. What are his policies? Well, his policies are insane. That's why people don't like to move there. More bones? It's more bones, yeah, it's more bones, it's more treats, and it's more nap times, and people just don't get any work done. This is him. He's adorable.

Does he run attack ads versus opponents?

Yeah.

Oh my God, he's stunning.

Yeah, he's a gorgeous dog. He's like a very, very pretty dog.

Oh my God.

And it's so funny, 'cause like you'll see the pictures of him, and it's, he's called Max, Max the Mayor.

Let's all get going to Texas.

Is that why Taylor went to that city?

No, but it's, oh, it's the town of, Idyllwild. Idyllwild.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, Idyllwild. Yeah. And he drives around in the back of a pickup truck and people will take pictures with him. And there's also some photos of him like outside, like an ice cream shop, like sleeping on the ground, which I think is funny because like no mayor in the world can be caught sleeping on the floor. But like, but like this, Max, this mayor, I guess, is so busy that he will from time to time have to take naps in the middle of his duty. And I think that's so cool. Like he's so confident, like he doesn't care. Like he's running the town, which I'm surprised. Even the police officers, like, that's my favorite part. Like the police police officers will come and take pictures with him like he's like the big mayor. He doesn't talk much though. That's the problem. But he's fucking— he's a golden retriever. His name is Maximus Mighty Dog Mueller II, or Max for short. I'm not making this up. He's been the mayor since 2014.

Who was the previous mayor?

I don't know. But could you imagine losing the golden retriever? I'd be fucking— I'd be furious. We're not far from it, from a golden retriever running for president. And people are like, I don't know, man. He makes some good points. I released a puzzle the other day.

Yeah.

It's called the $100,000 puzzle by David Dobrik. And I have to throw that in. And it's a puzzle where if you solve it, it's fucking really difficult. And if you solve it, you can win anywhere from $0.25 to $100,000. And there's prizes in between. And I had no fucking idea. It's the best-selling thing I've ever sold in my entire life. And I had no idea it was gonna sell so good. And I'm really fucking scared. I even made a story and I was like, guys, like, buy the puzzle, but there's a good chance you're not gonna fucking win $100,000. Like, you know, and I think a little over, like, now it's like over like 48,000 people have bought this fucking thing. And it's like, and it's like, that means, you know, a little over 47,000 people are not gonna win the $100,000. And that's, that's gonna be a lot of disappointed people. And I wanna— and like, people are going in, they're like, I bought 10 puzzles. And I go, no, don't fucking do that. Like, the port— the part— the, the The point of it is like, you buy one puzzle and it's like a fun thing that you can talk about when like family comes over and they're like, what's this QR code puzzle? And then you explain like that you could have won money from it. Like that's what it's, it's not, you're not actually supposed to do it because like you're trying to like get money for your family or like.

You're supposed to do it because it's something fun to do.

It's something, it should, the way it should be viewed is it's a puzzle first and then there's a sweet little gimmicky thing on top. But I think people took in, they're like, yes, I won't have to work for the next year if I solve 15 of these. And I was like, I'm like, fuck guys, this is not how it's supposed to be. But yeah, it's doing really well. I wanna give it a quick plug. Go buy it at the100kpuzzle.com. It's really sick. It's a really fucking tough puzzle and it's really cool 'cause it's only two colors. It's green and black and it's a QR code. And the way it works is when you scan the QR code, it shows you what you've won. And you always win. You can win 25 cents, you can win $500, $1,000, $200, 50 cents. You can win all kinds of money.

This was a good win for you. You were up early that day, we saw you.

Yeah, it was exciting.

You were out early.

There's over $250,000 of prizes. That's how much money people can win. So it is really, really cool.

We're gonna do it this weekend.

Yeah, good fucking luck.

Yeah, I already, I tried at your house, it was difficult.

Yeah, it's a bitch.

I'm gonna have to have surgery on my hip, Dave, I'm very scared.

I know, I've already heard this story.

It's not, no, you haven't heard the story, 'cause I'm telling you that I'm scared.

I've heard this story on the podcast already, man.

I never told you I was scared.

You gotta come up with a new one.

I'm getting close.

Surgery surgery.

You're going to come visit me in the hospital?

Yeah. If you got good podcast stories, if they're not all about you complaining about this surgery, bro, you've never had surgery, so you wouldn't know. I have had surgery.

On what?

My thumb. For what? They were just stitches, but it felt very surgical at the time because I was very young.

Oh, when you cut your hand? Yeah.

No, no, no, no, not that. I, I was hitting my friend John with a water bottle and I broke my bone. Because plastic bottle with the plastic bottle, because I put my thumb in front of the bottle and when I hit him, he like kneed my, my thumb. And you know what, it was— it sucked because I broke my thumb and it was that— it was at the high school football game. Yeah. And my dad got it— my dad and I got into the biggest fight because he wouldn't let me go to the football game. And I was like, I'm going. And he's like, you cannot go. And like, I really pissed him off. And guess who I had to call to pick me up from the football game?

Your dad.

My dad.

Oh no.

How much does that fucking suck? What do you have to drive me right to the hospital? You know, like, you know, awkward. That car ride is like from a guy who told you, I don't know. Sorry, I hate to make the surgery about myself, but what are you going through?

Was it very silent along the way? And then at one point he just—

Very silent. Very sad.

You're not to go.

I told you. Yeah, that's exactly what he said. No, I'm totally kidding. You're getting surgery on what?

On my hip.

Oh, yeah.

Sucks.

That does suck. Why are you doing it?

Because it hurts.

It hurts like when you just do regular things or like Yeah, man, I'm in pain. You can't walk around anymore.

You see how I limp?

I do see. But I always thought that was just because you wanted attention. That had nothing to do with that. You were— you're actually in pain?

Yeah. I had one surgery once where I was wide awake the entire time.

Was your other surgery—

I had like a palondial cyst on the base of my tailbone.

I have a palondial cyst. Yeah.

And they had to take it out.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Oh, did you know that we could talk about this? This is fun. I have a palondial cyst, guys. It's kind of gross to talk about, but I have to because This is all about sharing. It's a cyst that's right below your tailbone and right above your butt. Like, like in, like, in, like, like the most upper region of like where your butt meets your back.

Yeah.

Yeah. Like not by your butt crack. I'm talking like above the butt. Anyway, I had a cyst there and it got so big I couldn't sit. So I had to go to the— I had to go to the doctor and they had to cut it open. They had to fucking cut it open. That's what happened.

Oh, did they put— did they numb you and shit?

Yeah, they numbed me and they shot my cyst with a needle, like right into the cyst. And it hurts so bad. And the way I did it is the nurse was there and she first— first, the nurse and the doctor were so cool, which I fucking hate. I hate cool doctors that are about to look at your balls and your ass. Like, that's the worst. Like, I don't want to— like, the last thing I want is a personable doctor before they're about to see everything about me. Like, I want somebody that, like, doesn't feel like a human. Yeah. So when they're operating on my asshole, it just feels like it's just like a routine thing. But these guys were so cool. Yeah, but I was like, I fucking hate how these guys are so friendly.

That's funny.

Yeah.

You don't want like a young and cool.

No, no.

And it's like an old man.

And this woman's like asking me like, so what do you do? And I'm like, why? Social media? She's like, oh, like YouTube. And like, we fucking got into it not knowing that she was going to— I thought she was going to step out of the room and I was just going to be the doctor, like, cutting. And she was there. She's like, take your pants off. And I took my pants and my underwear off., and I had to roll over on my side and I had to like cuddle up. So I put my knees to my chest and I was on my side and they were— they sat right to my side. I was on a lifted table like about 4 feet above the ground and it was just my asshole sticking in their face as he's still having conversation with me. And I'm going, I'm going, this is really weird. And he goes, yeah, we do a couple of these a day though, so it's okay. And I was so fucking uncomfortable. Enjoy what you do. And it was— yeah. And it was— and they cut it open. And bro, it's— that shit fucking hurt bad. It hurt bad. They cut it open. No, they numbed it, but like, but like, it's still, you know, they numb it like 5 minutes before, so it's still a little—

it's still mine.

Was like, I'm such a bitch with pain too. And they cut it out and they pulled out the cyst part of it. Like, they pulled out like all these ingrown hairs. Did you get to keep it? No, I didn't get to keep it, but I took a picture of it. It's fucking nasty. But it was like the coolest thing. It was all bloody.

Get off me.

It was all bloody. It was really, really gross. And yeah, that was like one of my first, like, tiny surgeries I've ever had. And I have to go back because they have to do like a full operation on my asshole. I'm not being serious. Like, they're like, if you don't want to come back, you have to come back for a full-on operation. And that's what you had. Yeah. So that's what you had. That's what I have to get.

Are you going to have to go do that?

I just got— Yeah, I just got to go do ours the same day. You still have a pilonidal cyst?

No, I'll do the hip and you do your asshole.

Oh my God. Right next to each other. We do the podcast that way. We're both— Both on the medical beds.

Yeah, but it'll be great. Like, if when I can run again. Oh my God.

Would you rather have a hot doctor or a not hot doctor? Not hot doctor. Me too. Oh my God.

Like an old man or an old woman. Somebody who's just, like, seen it all. But I do do that when I have to take my pants off with doctors. Like, in my head I go, okay, this is not a big deal. This is what they do.

This is fine. But it's gotten weirder for me ever since. Like, when— like, if I have to take my pants off for a doctor, it's gotten weirder for me since I've been doing YouTube and like, since I'm like, really out there in the public world, like it's gotten a lot scarier.

They probably didn't even know you.

No, no. Yes, there was, there was a time where I had to go to get that, to get the cyst checked out before. Right. Because like I went to like it was like a dermatologist. It wasn't like a person that did it. And it was a big office. I'm not fucking exaggerating this at all. I am not exaggerating this at all. 4 nurses came into my room to get pictures and videos for their sons or daughters. I shit you not. I was like, I was so shocked. I was like, first of all, I never get recognized this much, especially with older people. And I was like, how is this legal? Like, how are these people coming in here?

Like the day you had to do your butt or different times?

This was like a month before when I went to go get it checked on. It was a big dermatologist's office. And dude, I was fucking, they kept coming in because I guess my name was on the fucking call. Call sheet and maybe one nurse knew who I was and then she told everybody else and they kept fucking coming in to the point like where then there was just the nurse and the doctor there. The nurse was very young. I think she was interning from like high school, it looked like, and she was ready to look at my ass and like, and like she was like, as they're pulling down my pants, like the doctor's going, the doctor's going, you're a big hitter on The Office here. Everybody's talking. I'm like, dude, this is not what I want to fucking hear when you're looking at my ass.

It is a little strange.

Yeah, it was really, really strange, but I battled through it. I have something we can talk about. So lately I've made a big realization that I've been doing something wrong. I, um, every time I'm working on like a project, I just keep it to myself because I just, I like to, um, under-promise and over-deliver. Like, that's my favorite thing. So I don't talk about anything. So when the perfume launched, everyone was like, where the fuck did this come from, right? Like, why did— why didn't we know about a perfume? Like, is this some money grab? Where in reality we're working on it for a year and a half and it took up a lot of my fucking time. And, and I think it doesn't get people as excited as they should be about the things I launch, and it makes things fall flat. So I want to talk about something that I am working on right now that I've been keeping a secret for the past 8 months, probably a year now. I want to talk about the, the pizza company I'm starting called Doughbrix. It's run by the one and only, yours truly, Ilya Fedorovich, CEO Ilya. That's why Ilya is out now.

Introduction. You gave yourself.

That's why Ilya is out here in LA to help run this pizza company. It's called Dough Bricks. And yeah, we've been working on it for a little over— what, how long now?

Like 6, 7 months. Ever since I moved here.

6, 7 months. Ever since I moved here. We had the idea like a year ago.

What's the hardest thing about launching a pizza company?

Hold on. Let's, let's let the dust settle a little bit. We just made a big announcement here, Jay.

You guys probably want to applaud me.

For a little while and compliment me on the idea. Well, let's— before we get into it, let's backtrack. Like, I think people always— I think people are always wondering, like, what Ilya was doing out here, and it was always to, like, pursue some kind of other business venture with him. And like, this is— this is— I fucking love pizza. I'm from Chicago and it means a lot to me. And we've been doing a lot of— we've done a lot of taste tests up until now. Ilya's— right now we're working on logos, branding, and yeah, all this time I've been trying to keep it a fucking secret, but we just trademarked the name. A couple months ago, and then people started finding out. But I'm super pumped about it. And yeah, it's not going to be like a ghost kitchen or something. It's going to be like a full-blown, like, restaurant. It's, you know, it's not going to be— yeah, it'll be sick. I'll tell them more about it.

Yeah, I think we're going to have a cool location. We're almost set to close the lease.

Oh, the location is fucking sick. That I won't talk about. Yeah, right. Because I love the location. It's fucking tiny, but it's in a fucking sexy spot and it's a standalone building.

So like, it really, really stands out from—

when will the pizza place be open? Realistically?

Realistically?

8 to 12 months. Yeah, I give that— I can—

that I can, um, that I can under-promise.

I give it for sure. I give it a year. A year the pizza place will be open. It'll be called Doughbrix. And I—

yeah. What's gonna be on the menu besides pizza? Is it just pizza? Is it the first location? Just pizza. Just pizza.

Yeah. I want it to be super easy, just like In-N-Out. You come and you know it. You know, there's no fucking— no 30 options. Can you sit? Right.

No. So it's gonna be a to-go place. There's no sitting. I mean, there'll be like a little like like, you know, camp out, hangout area in the front. But yeah, and then there's also most likely going to be like an outside space that you can stand at.

It'll be literally like a Dairy Queen. Like, imagine like going into Dairy Queen, there's a counter, you— maybe there's 2 seats, like you can sit there and wait for your pizza, right? But there's no— there won't be like a waiter or anything, something like that. Um, but yeah, I'm so fucking excited for it, and I've been trying to keep it a secret forever, but that's not— I guess that's not fun. I feel like keeping people updated updated with things is a little more fun.

Oh yeah, the logo.

So, so, so tough. Yeah, because like there's no right answer. It's like, but when you see it, when you see it and like you love, you're like, oh, that's it. But like we haven't had that yet.

Yeah, we've been working on a logo for like a month and it's just, it's such a bitch because like, it's like, it's also so tough because you like it and then you show it to somebody else and they go, that looks fucking stupid, right? But I think it'll be a lot easier now that we talked about on the podcast. I feel like you're about to get a lot of fucking A lot of logos coming at you, which is nice. I feel like that too. Wait, what? Did you see this fucking NBC article? This is a real article. It's titled, Former Israeli Space Security Chief Says Extraterrestrials Exist and Trump Knows About It. Then in more detail, it's a galactic federation has been waiting for humans to reach a stage where we will understand what space and spaceships are. And apparently, uh, President Trump is aware of the extraterrestrials' existence and had been on the verge of revealing, um, information but was asked not to in order to prevent mass hysteria. This is a fucking article on NBCNews.com.

The unidentified flying objects have asked not to publish that they are here. Humanity is not ready yet, says the defense, uh, secretary. The interview in Hebrew ran on Friday.

And I should— I should have said cooperation agreements had been signed between species, including an underground base in the depths of Mars where there's an American— where there are American astronauts and alien representatives. Are you fucking kidding me?

What?

How is this on NBC? It's like they wrote this shit for our podcast. Like, like, it sounds fake.

There is an agreement between the US government and the aliens. They signed a contract with us to do experiments here.

My thing is, if aliens come, like, do they want to kill us?

Man, maybe they just want to chill.

But why here? Water. They need water. Aliens have water?

Yeah, maybe not. Maybe they need more water. There's a lot of water on Mars, isn't there?

Yeah, they got water on Mars. I'm sure if you're an alien and if you can get to Earth, you can get to a lot of other places that have water.

Imagine the aliens move here and one of them becomes a big TikTok star. That'd be sick.

That's how they say Lil Huddy got his start. They say he's actually from Pluto. I don't believe it. It's like Lil Miranda or whatever her name is, the like AR girl. That does feel kind of right, though. Like, that does feel like what would happen. Like an alien comes, everyone's freaking out about it, and then like 5— fast forward 5 months later, he's just another TikTok star. And he's like, all the comments are like, what happened to you? You're so washed up. Like all the All the comments are like, used to be so cool when you landed. And like, now he's just doing like meet and greets at Nordstrom. Like, like, that's— that does sound like a very like, like, especially where humanity is in 2020, just for us to like accept something and then just be like, okay, try to cancel Glargan. Glargan, super sexist.

Yeah. I am so sorry.

You have to keep in mind I am new to Earth and the mistakes I make. I will be making a couple in the future, but I am here to serve humanity. I mean, I don't know, I'm— listen, I'm all for aliens, um, coming to Earth. I just— I don't know, I feel like it's—

I didn't mean to chop off that girl's head on that live. I am so sorry.

I just don't understand how they're speaking to them.

Well, I mean, yeah, what's like—

what language are they speaking?

What did they sign? Who signed something? Was it on Zoom? Was it in person?

Does this mean they have hands?

Of course they're Zooming. It's COVID. You think aliens don't respect our COVID rules? How hard is it to communicate with another species that is smart? Can't be that— that can't be that difficult.

Yeah, but what, like, there are a lot of languages in this world. Why do they necessarily speak in English?

Why aren't they speaking?

Maybe they don't even have Wi-Fi. You think they're just idiots? Yeah. You think they're just idiots that, like, have a spaceship that goes so fast and they have no idea how they're getting to Earth?

Maybe it's not a spaceship.

They're just like— it's like, just like, like, imagine like a burnout that goes on like a road trip across the United States and ends up like at the Grand Canyon. Like, that's how the aliens are.

Maybe you assume they're superior. They might not be.

It's just like teenagers from an alien land that like stole their parents' car and just kept driving. Oh, we all— we ended up here on Earth. What the fuck is this shit? It's just the dumbest as fucking aliens.

Yo, these shrooms hitting hard.

Yeah, they're always stoned and drugged.

Maybe there's a girl out there for me on Mars. You ever think about that?

Could be. Would you date a Martian?

Sure.

Hell yeah. Really?

I mean, at this point, at this point, I'm trying to find somebody that'll take care of me when I'm old. That's basically where I'm at. Wow.

So you date an alien?

I take an alien, sure.

What if— okay, what if the alien's super hot, but the way they have sex is she has to pull out your eyeball? And spit right under and put your eyeball back in. What if it felt good? If it felt good? Well, it feels good for her, but then she'll try to do it to you and you'll try to explain to her like, that's not how our eyes work. And she won't understand. She'll get sad and she'll be pouting in her alien corner.

We go to therapy. Jason, do you want to talk a little bit about what your sex life is like? Yeah. My fucking eyes are pulled out of my head. I'm screaming in pain. I don't like it. You're so selfish. You only think about yourself. What about my needs?

You're so selfish.

Then I'd be like, okay, okay, I'll do it.

What if like, what if like all of the alien's body parts, like, you know, when they lose them, they just grow back like a lizard. So you ask her to give you a blowjob, but she bites your dick off thinking, thinking that, thinking that that's how it works. It's just, it's just, you'll grow another one.

What kind of man are you?

Only one penis.

It doesn't grow back.

All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening.

Thank you, David. I just landed here.

If anybody has any connection to any aliens that would want to be on the podcast, if they listen, if you meet an alien and we tried the $100,000 puzzle, it took us quite a while.

We thought we'd solve it in an hour.

We won 25 cents. So we are happy. Thank you guys for listening. Go buy the merch, go buy the perfume, get ready for Doughbrix, the pizza place, and go buy Jason's— I don't know, just go buy— go throw money at Jason if you see him on the street. Be great. All right, we'll see you guys later.