David's New TV Show

What's up guys, welcome back to Views.

We're going to do a no sex podcast today. No.

Yeah, I was actually going to ask, you think you can fit this in your asshole?

The microphone?

Yeah, the microphone.

Yeah. Have you ever tried to put anything in your asshole?

Come on, Jay.

Sorry.

Fine. All right.

No, I'm just saying though, have you ever tried?

Let's roll the intro music. Jay, I don't know I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm a healthy guy now. Yesterday, guess how far I ran?

4.5 miles.

7.

Shut the fuck up.

I ran to the 405 from here.

Down Ventura?

Yeah, down Ventura.

No, you didn't.

Wow, dude, only you know L.A. and no one else knew what I meant when I said I ran to the 405. And you're like, down Ventura, past Granville?

It sounds like a punchline. I ran to the 405.

Yeah.

Did Taylor pick you up or did you run back?

This is what happened. I told Taylor to pick me up at Chipotle, which is 2.4 miles away, and I planned it. I was like, okay, she's going to pick me up 2.5 miles away. And then I got to Chipotle and I'm like, oh, I'm not tired. I could, I could run for a long time. And then I ran another like 2 miles and I was like, fuck, I have no way of contacting her because I don't— I didn't have anything on me. All I had was my Apple Watch, but my Apple Watch doesn't have 4G, right? So I had her phone number. So now I'm running into stores asking people to borrow their phones so I can call Taylor and pick me up. Because I, because I'm like, I'm not going to turn around. I want to keep going.

Did you know her number?

I had on my Apple Watch.

Oh, good.

I just couldn't. Yeah, I could dial. This guy gives me his phone. I'm dialing in and his phone dies in my hands. It's like, fuck. So then I ran another mile and then I got to like a Fat Sal's or like something. I don't know what it was. And the cashier there gave me her phone. I called Taylor. I'm like, Taylor, pick me up. And she's like, I'm at the Chipotle. And I'm like, no, no, no, drive past the Chipotle. Like, go far. I ran further. I ran further. And then Another like mile or two goes by and she's not coming. Like, I don't know where the fuck she is. So I have to find another guy at another store and I'm like, can I use your phone? So I call Taylor again and Taylor's like, where are you? And I'm like, just drive towards the fucking ocean. Just keep driving till you see me. You'll hit like— and I'm running like in the middle of the road because I'm like, I need her to see me because I'm fucking stranded. And I just kept digging myself deeper in the hole because I kept running further and further. And that's how I ended up 7 miles away because she took so long.

I didn't— she just stopped where you were and start running back.

It's weird. Running's so weird. Once you like figure it out, you can just do it forever. Yeah, like you could just not stop, and it's— and it's like the only thing that hurts is like when your bones start to like hurt.

I ran so much I ran my hip out.

Yeah, that's the only— that's like, that's when you fuck up, is when your body actually starts to break.

That was when I— that was how I used to hide when I was married. I'd go on like 9-mile runs.

Really?

So you were in shape because you hated your wife?

Yeah.

Wow, so you must love your wife now.

She's great. Yeah, I don't have to, you know, I can tell. But I wore a hip out.

Yeah, that sucks.

It's like that scene in 40 Year— This Is 40 where he keeps going to the bathroom and hiding. Have you ever seen that?

No.

So true.

What happened? What happened with Ilya?

Speaking of running fast, yesterday we're here. I don't know if it was yesterday. We were here at the house and like, can we talk about her accent?

And we talked about that.

Yeah, that was a weird accent, but I don't know what it is.

It fucking— It is so crazy. And then it's like, it's only on like us, like words like us or fast or hot words with an A because I say in a British way, it's like 7 different accents.

Yeah, it's a mixture of a lot of it's a lot of accents. Yeah, it's very—

yeah, you could have like a really deep Southern accent.

She can't figure it out. It's like you don't know what you want to be.

It just does come sneak up on you.

It does sneak up on you. And every time I realize I say it because people will look at me and they'll be like, oh, sorry, can't. Never mind. Yesterday we're here at the house and I think you called Ilya like we're all in here. And there's like a really loud helicopter. So we all like run outside and we're like, oh my God, we got to go see the helicopter. And we're like looking at the helicopter and we're all like joking about it, like, oh, who are they looking for?

Yeah.

And then Ilya is like, it gets really weird. And we're like, we're like joking about like, oh, what'd you do? And he like gets really weird and we're like, what did you do? And he's like, nothing, nothing. And we're like, why are you afraid of the helicopter coming to catch you? And he's like, No, no, nothing, nothing. And he starts being super weird and walking around. And then I'm like, ill, seriously? And then he's quiet. He goes, could they come look for you for reckless driving? They're not coming to search for you in a helicopter because you were driving a Lamborghini really fast on the freeway.

Is that what it was? Yeah. You thought they were coming for you?

Yeah, I thought they were like looking for the car that was driving really fast.

This is also a day after he was driving the car.

So when you hear that helicopter, just everything went through your brain like, oh my God, they're here for me.

Jason called me so paranoid, like, why is there a helicopter over your house?

I was down at Zane's and I see—

I don't know why.

I see a chopper. I'm down at Zane's and I see a chopper in your motherfucking backyard.

I was really close.

Oh, a kid got killed.

David got killed is what I thought, you know. And then, and I was freaking out. I was like, I call you, he's like, what's up, dude? And I'm like, I'm like, there's a fucking helicopter above your fucking house. He's like, what are you talking about? And I was like, I was like, what is going on? I was like, is everybody okay? He's like, huh, huh. And then he fucking comes out, and then I can see him.

Then we see Jason from—

I see him down the hill anyway.

It was really funny. And then Ilya's like all paranoid, like actually asking questions like, okay, but like, can they come find you for reckless driving?

You know what's crazy is like from helicopters they can like measure your speed. Like when it says like enforced by aircraft, like they can actually measure your speed from—

Yes, yes. I've gotten speeding tickets from airplanes.

You have?

Yeah.

That's so—

Literally, I was driving.

No one else in the world but you.

I was driving. I don't see a cop. I'm in the middle of nowhere. I drive for like— there's no cars around, and a cop just comes over and pulls me over out of nowhere. Comes on the highway and is like, we got you on the plane.

We got you on the plane. Yeah, that's fucking crazy.

That's insane. Wait, why did you bring this up? Sorry, I got high. I was down at Jeff's and I was doing a sketch, whatever, with the Nelk Boys, right? And fucking— you know when you're in a sketch and you're like trying to be funny? Yeah, so you'll do anything to fucking get a laugh. So they handed me a joint and I was like thinking it would be nothing. It was one-hit shit, man. I took one hit.

David, we were talking about it because there was a helicopter flying above the house.

Oh, is that what you're saying?

Fuck. Did you forget that? That was like literally 30 seconds.

Like I said, I smoke with the milk boys.

You literally— but are you just trying to brag about you smoking with the milk boys?

No, I'm not trying to brag. I'm just saying.

But you were doing—

I'm off.

I'm a little high. You just asked me. You just asked me why we're talking about it.

Yes, I remember.

It was the reason we were talking about it.

Which was what? I don't— I'm lost. I don't even know what we're talking about.

It's as if I was like, how was Six Flags? And you're like, oh, it was good. I was like, are you scared of roller coasters? And then you— and then you'd be like, well, wait, why are we talking about roller coasters? That's exactly how that was. Like, it was just so high.

I forgot what we were talking about, how we got on that subject.

How could you be that high? Literally before the podcast, you were totally fine.

He did come in here and be like, I wasn't.

I literally came in here and I was like, Ella, I'm really worried about this podcast because I'm really high.

It'll be good.

Everybody will be chill.

Hey, today I found out another kink I have. I have, um, that I didn't— you know, last podcast we talked about like weird things that we do.

Yes.

And today I found another one. Uh, sometimes when I go to the water— uh, when I go to the fridge to grab a water bottle, um, there'll be one like that's like ready for the taking, that's like the next one like in the shelf. But I'll purposely go for one that's further back because I always think that maybe someone's trying to poison me and I was meant to grab that one. Have you ever thought about that one?

No, never.

Oh, I do that just because it's colder in the back.

Oh, no, I just do it.

Especially one of these guys you think would poison you. Natalie?

No, no one in here. But I'm just saying someone comes in here.

Nobody.

And also with water bottles, I'm really careful most of the time before I open them. I like to squeeze them to see if there's holes punctured in the top, just because you never know. Because you never know who's going around grocery stores and just punching holes in, in water bottles and injecting it with fucking poison.

Yeah. That's, that's something you think about.

Yeah, I don't know. Really? I mean, I don't do it a lot. I don't, I don't flip water bottles a lot, but sometimes I do. And I also always, always wipe the top off a Coca-Cola can because my mom always says that, that there's like rat shit and poison at the factory, so you can die if you don't wipe the top of the can.

Someone told me there was rat poop in Honey Nut Cheerios once, and I never ate them again. Someone said that. They go, you know, Honey Nut Cheerios is fucking rat poop all over. What? Yeah, they had a huge problem. Can't even get him anymore.

That's crazy. Like, one thing can happen and then, like, everyone remembers that thing for it. Like, when— yeah, remember Wendy's? When Wendy's had, like, the finger in the chili?

Yes.

Like, even like now I'll be with, like, a random person and I'll be like, going to Wendy's to get chili. And I'll be like, you sure you want that? There's like fingers in them. Like, as if it happens like once a week.

Yeah, that's the worst.

I've been doing this Discovery show, right? I've been— I'm the new— oh, I should announce this. I'm the new host of Dodgeball Thunderdome.

Hey, congratulations, Discovery.

It's really sick. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you, everybody. We shoot in the middle of the desert. Basically, I have two trailers, right? There's one trailer and they both have my name on it. They both have a bathroom in it. It says David Dobrik on one trailer and David Dobrik on another trailer. It's fucking great. It's amazing. Then when I leave the trailer, first of all, they'll be like— what I'm trying to get at is there's people working on this set all fucking day in the hot sun, like camera guys, you know, working all day. I only come out of my trailer when they call me, when they go, David, we need you. And they need me for 20 minutes at a time. And then I take like an hour and a half break and I come and do my part and I go back in the trailer. But camera guys are out there the entire fucking time. Yeah, like the entire time. And then when I do leave my trailer, there's a woman who meets me right outside my trailer and holds an umbrella above my head and walks with me to where I need to go. So to protect me from the sunlight, right? And I just think it's fucking insane. That like that, that I'm treated that way. Like, it's insane that there's like camera guys that are busting their fucking ass.

Yeah.

And I'm like, like, like even when I'm like, I'm waiting to like do my scene or whatever.

Yeah.

And like, I'm watching the camera guys do their thing and I'm standing there with an umbrella like in my hand over my head and I just feel like such an asshole. And it's so crazy because there is an actor somewhere at some point that made that the standard for every other actor. Do you know what I mean? Like some actor was like, no, I need to be treated this way. And then every other actor from there on out took note and it just became an industry standard.

I don't think it's like that at all. I think the quality of what's on camera is so important that it's just like you want the best you that we can get. If there's like a 10 Dave I can get or a 9 Dave, I want to do everything I can to get 10 Dave. Like, so there's no energy exerted. There's no there's an umbrella there so you're not all sweaty, so you're not all hot, so your head is clear.

That's so crazy though, isn't it? I guess you're right if you put it that way. Like, even when like Zane comes over and like, I need a vlog, right? Like, I'll have Taylor start pouring the shots and I'll have like, you know, like his favorite music playing. I'll be extra nice.

Same thing.

You're right. You're right. You're right.

Sort of. You know, really fucked up.

Yeah.

Weird.

Weird.

Ill. Ill. How'd that girl go that you DM'd?

She has not responded yet. Fuck. Who is she? Probably doesn't have any service, right?

I don't think so, man. It's been 3 days. I've seen her post a story.

It's only been a day.

You want me to DM her?

Sure.

Hey, I think you're cute.

Can you please?

Hey, my friend thinks you're cute.

No, I'm going to DM her. Hey, my friend thinks you're cute. Ilya loves like the girls that he likes. It's so funny. It's so Ilya. I could point them out from fucking Jason, you want to know?

I have the same type.

Jason, you want to know what I said to her?

What?

Well, actually, it wasn't really me talking, it was David talking, because like I got really excited about her. I sent David a photo of her like, Dave, what should I say? And he goes, say hello. And then like 3 minutes later he goes, say, say I'm so excited to talk to you.

You sent that?

Yeah, and he sent it. And no response.

Yeah, she has. But she hasn't been on— I mean, she hasn't been on Instagram.

Why did you tell me to say that?

Maybe she has. What?

Let me see. Let me see. I can tell you she's been on.

I'm excited to talk to you.

Oh, no. Wow. She hasn't been on Instagram since he sent the DM.

She's really trying to avoid you, man.

Yo, you know what I love about Jason?

What?

I fucking— I love Jason because he's down for anything.

What'd you do?

Like, like, like, David can be like, Jace, let's go drink kerosene. And then Jason's like, okay, sure.

You know what I mean?

Like, I know, like, dude, you have to appreciate the shit out of that because, like, you can't find anybody like that.

Yeah, he does whatever, man. He is real desperate. Thank you.

It's a, it's a mix of desperation and also, like, Also too, like that, the chance, the prospect of a good piece of footage, I— it like makes me like so happy. That's the thing. If he told me now to go out, like, yeah, like I still love hanging out with him. But when he had the camera and it was like, it was work, and then you could actually— and I could like maybe have a chance to get in the vlog with something, doing something funny. Like, that's like— I like—

I remember when we would go out and vlog and like, and like there'd be like, it'd be like super late at night. Remember like how many years? Like it was just like 11:00 at night and I was just like, let's go see, let's go one more time. Let's go out. Let's go to Sunset Boulevard and just see if we can find something unbelievable. And like 25% of the time or 75% of the time we wouldn't find anything, right? But like the 25% time that we would find something would make up for all those times that we never did. Yeah, it feels so— it'd be like catching a big fish.

It'd be like catching a huge fish.

It'd be like, wow, thank God we fucking got this. There was one day One day I just— I— vlogs take me forever to get done, like forever. And there was one day Ilya landed and Ilya at the time was like— I was like, every time Ilya is here, I always get footage. So I was kind of excited. I just posted my vlog. It was Friday. I posted it like 5 p.m. Ilya landed and we— and right when we— right when he got here, we went to In-N-Out. And at In-N-Out, I got a bit. I got this big bit where these two girls cut us in line and I paid for everybody's meal. And it was a huge thing. I was like, holy fuck, this is literally like a minute 40 of my vlog already done, and I just posted my last one. So then we go meet up with Scott and the guys and we go tell them, and then Scott goes, yo Dave, I'm gonna get my nipples pierced. And I was like, are you fucking serious? All on the same day? And then Scott's like, okay. I'm like, yeah, let's fucking do it. Scott gets his nipples pierced. I'm like, this is fucking incredible. And then cut, 10 minutes later, Scott gets into a fucking brutal bloody fight with the guy outside in the bar, like fucking face bashed in, he's bleeding. I'm like, are you fucking serious? It's not even midnight and like I have all this shit. Like I have like— and that was the— that's like the craziest vlogging experience I remember. Like 3 bits done at the same day I posted a vlog. It's never gone that easy for me. I felt so— I rested that next Saturday. I was like, I'm just gonna take a day off and just like kind of hang out because I got my entire vlog done.

That was the way you set it up too. You set it up like that where it was like you just had to wait for something to happen.

Yeah, that's what it was. And it's tough to say, like it was tough to tell people that you're working because because work just involved waiting. Like, you just had to wait for the right moment. Like, that's all it was.

And like, you used to beg me. You would beg me. Like, it would be like 1 in the morning. He'd be like, Jay, Jay, stay, stay 45 more minutes. Just stay 45 more minutes. And I'm like, dude, I can't. I can't fucking do it.

Oh my God.

Yeah, I remember that.

Like, when people were over and stuff, and I was like, maybe— God, Zane's about to get to that place. It's gonna be funny.

Yeah.

Like, like, just stay. And you stay. I can't. I can't fucking do it, bro. It was, it was crazy vlogging. It was a different world. I'm telling you, I don't— I can never get back to that. I can never get back to that. And really, yeah, the energy was at 3 a week. I'm talking about like, oh, 3 a week.

Yeah.

When we do it 3 a week, like, that was fucking maddening. That was that, dude.

That was so much fun though.

I don't know. I—

it's so much fun. You had so many opportunities to like do something and I don't know, it was just more like, I don't know, just go, go.

And it was crazy like that. I was doing the vlogs like sometimes we were traveling So we'd land in Chicago and I'd be like, I'd stay up to like 9 in the morning editing, and then I'd wake up at noon and then we'd do it all over again because there's a vlog due in a day and a half. Yeah, that was fucking crazy. And I would plan my trips so I'd land in Chicago on posting days so I could— I remember, yeah. And I could, and I'd be out of Chicago for my next vlog so I wouldn't have two vlogs in a row in Chicago. So like every trip and everything was planned around like the vlog and like And like, I want— I made it like very specific to land on weekends because then an extra day, the weekends gave me an extra day from Friday to Monday to like film. I don't know, dude, the 3 a week. I genuinely, genuinely think that 3 a week, the vlogs will be the hardest job I ever have.

Sure.

That I will ever have in my entire life. I don't think any job will ever be as difficult in the entertainment world. Yeah, I will. That is as difficult as that.

It was a crusher, man.

It was fucking taxing. You don't feel like a human.

You know what I like about you, Ilya? You're just so fucking in a good mood and just happy-go-lucky all the time. You're like never, ever mad at anything.

Oh, yes, he is.

What?

He gets around me.

He's—

Oh, no, he gets pissed.

What does he get pissed about? Oh, today I was yelling at Ilya because he was walking.

Yeah, he's been a fucking douchebag, bro.

He has been working.

Of course I'm going to get mad at you.

I'm the douchebag. He's been walking around. Ilya's been walking around, he's been working out a lot. And today, like, we all noticed he was like walking out with his arms to the side.

No, I was not.

Like he was—

I was not. I was walking normally.

Like he had biceps the size of fucking watermelon. Like, that's how he was walking around.

Yeah.

And we were all like, dude, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Is he on like some— like, is he on steroids right now? Why is he walking around the living room like this?

You can't do anything past David and Natalie. They make so much fun of me. Yeah, literally anything I do. And then what happened?

Nothing. I was just like, yo, I was like, Ilya fucking tried to like come hit me and I was like, be careful, bro. You want people to squeeze through that fucking door? And then Ilya fucking got even more mad. And then, and then he's like, I want to punch you. And I'm like, I know you almost punched me just walking by me with those big fat ass arms. So Ilya was just getting more and more mad. I'm making fun of him for having big biceps. What a funny thing for someone to get pissed about. Like, oh, you're too strong, pussy. Like, Yeah, I mean, Ilya was getting pissed off.

Were you doing that earlier? Were you making yourself bigger? Deadass, I was not. Were you flexing a little bit?

No, I don't think he was flexing. I just think like, that's how I was— I'm telling— this is what I'm telling Ilya. I'm like, Ilya, stop working out, bro. You have like the best body right now. Do not get like super buff, right? Like then you're— because right now like Ilya has like this cool like, like, uh, like next door boy, next door charm. And then I think he'll lose it if he's like bodybuilder. And like, I think that's what he's trying to do.

I'm not trying to be—

he's trying to look like fucking— I'm like, dude, you look like Ryan Reynolds right now. Like, stop right here. It's the perfect place.

I could see that because you're going to— it's not going to fit. It's not going to fit your face.

Totally.

I was saying this, dude, if you get really big, like, I'm not trying to say you're short, but you're not.

What the fuck?

Fuck. Yes, bro.

I love—

bro, you're an inch taller than me. No, I know.

How do you have any room to talk?

Okay, but he's not trying to get a bodybuilder body.

I'm not trying to get a bodybuilder body.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we go back to how tiny Ilya is? I mean, he genuinely like, dude, when he stands, he gets mad when he stands next to people. It's so funny because he's so cute. It's like you, like, you'll see a picture of him and like some, like, actual adults and you'll just want to hug him because he's just like standing there like, oh my gosh, it's like, it looks like take your fucking child to work day. Anybody, anytime he stands next to anybody in a suit.

How tall are you?

I'm 5'8".

I'm not that short.

Yeah, bro.

How tall are you?

5'9". No, he's not. He's 5'9".

He's not 5'8". He's 5'4" and 18/4". He's like, if I'm freaking really tiny, he looks like he's big, but he's really tiny when you stand there.

I never think of you.

I'm 5'10".

Yeah, bro, fuck off.

I'm 5'10".

5'10".

Jay, how tall are you?

Just under 6'.

Yeah. I mean, we're, you know, we're normal height. Like, life is good. Like, we see things from a good perspective. When we're at Coachella, we could see the band.

10 is the cut.

We could see the stage. Yeah, 5'10" is like— 5'10" is the perfect height. 5'8". You know what I saw today? There's a store called For Men 5'8" and Under. And I was like, damn, Ilya would love this shit. There's an actual store in fucking Ventura.

Now he's actually—

Oh, now he's not talking. Okay.

I got beef with you. I got big— I got beef with you, David.

Yeah. What's up?

Okay. I order from my favorite place. Lunar Grill. Yeah, the other night it sits here, it, it comes, Ella brings it and puts it down, and you go, ugh, smells like dog shit.

I said smells like garbage.

Garbage? Yeah, I think you said dog shit. Yeah, whatever, it smells like shit. Then guess what? I get a text from Taylor the next day. What's that order from Lunar Grill? You talk shit about my food and then you order it the next day. It smells It's so lame.

It smelled disgusting, but it was— I told you on the spot it was delicious.

Yeah, but why do you have to say that it's gross?

Because it smelled— it was in the bag and it came. I didn't even—

how could something smell gross?

Taylor smelled it too. It literally smelled like garbage.

I think it was just a mixture of all the smells.

Yeah, it was just not good.

I just don't understand how you can still eat it. It smells.

Ilya, what's wrong?

Nothing.

I hate when you get this pouty, bro. What are you, fucking 6 years old?

This is not pouty. Stop fucking calling me short, bro.

Does it bother you?

No, I love it. Especially when you say it on the podcast, bro.

I didn't know you had such a fucking short fuse.

Wait, you guys want to hear a crazy story really quick?

Yeah.

David was in a meeting today. And he was on the phone or whatever, and Casey and I were like in the back room, right? And so we were whispering to each other something, and Casey walks into Natalie's room to find like a box of keto fucking cereal or whatever, right? And he looks at me like, what the fuck is this? I'm like, I have no idea. And the, the brand is Magic Spoon or something like that.

I love the story already because it involves Natalie's snacking. Go.

And so 5 minutes passed by and we're just sitting there on our phones waiting for waiting for David to get off the meeting, and Casey turns his phone and it's a fucking ad for Magic Spoon. He goes, dude, I've never had an ad for this before.

And I was like, where was the ad?

On Instagram.

I was really busy.

I was like, what the fuck?

And he fucking—

they're listening.

That's crazy. That's fucking insane.

I don't think they're listening, bro.

That's Dave. That's— I don't know if they're listening, but that's insane.

Somebody's listening.

I think they're listening.

They're not, but like a computer's listening.

I feel like I feel like Ali did post a story with it in the morning, though.

Why wouldn't they tell people that? Like, why is that public information? Like, why would they not admit the only thing it could be? I think it's cool. Like, isn't that a cool thing to be like, Instagram learns what you like, we listen to you.

I'm sure that's like in their fucking privacy policy or whatever.

I guess until, you know, you know, because no one's ever proved that.

Everyone always just says, but have you not seen all those TikToks of like girls taking their boyfriend's phone and like saying stuff like, Engagement, engagement, engagement. Marry, marry, marry. Ring, ring, ring.

Put a baby inside me.

Baby, listen to them and then give some ads for stuff like that.

Oh, that's fucking weird. Yeah, dude, that shit was so weird.

That is bizarre.

So weird. It was like a random object that he fucking picked up and then he's got a fucking ad for it.

Also, Magic Spoon, they advertise on Instagram and they sent me some cereal too.

Yeah, it's really bizarre. There was an earthquake last night. Let's talk about this.

God, I was 4:30, man. It was awful.

At 4:30 in the morning, it struck. I woke up. I woke up and I like kind of— the best way to describe it is it felt like someone threw a yoga ball at my bed. Like it was like very rubbery, like the way it felt.

Really?

I woke up and then all I hear in the other room is, yo, yo, yo, Ilya's in the other room fucking flipping shit. This is like— I think this is Ilya's first earthquake.

Yeah, I lost my virginity last night.

How was it?

It was great. It was rocky.

Well, what do you think? Trying to make jokes about earthquakes. It was rocky.

Very rocky.

What I think—

oh man, it was a big earthquake.

It was really scary.

I think it was the biggest one I've ever felt. Like, it actually, like, it like really did some damage. What did you think?

Oh, well, I mean, I was sleeping and like, dude, I've never been so scared in my fucking life. Jay, this was me. Yeah, I'm laying down on the couch, right?

Sleeping.

My legs are up on like where you put your back.

Why aren't you in your bed?

I just like sleeping on the couch.

Yeah, the couch is really comfortable.

And Dima slept over last night too, so The earthquake's happening. It was like out of a fucking movie, like happened. I woke up, I was like, what the fuck?

What the fuck?

Like, I was freaking the fuck out and I didn't know what was going on, you know what I mean? The fucking whole house is shaking.

It is such a crazy experience.

It's crazy.

Yeah, it's crazy that it exists.

I was asleep in my bed and, and I fucking woke up and just heard— it sounded like a T-Rex like put his foot down, you know? And I woke up and I was like Like that. And I ran upstairs and like, I was so cloudy and so groggy. I thought someone was in the house.

You live by yourself too, right?

I know, and I live by myself. So I'm like, who's here? Who's here? Who's here? I'm in my underwear.

Who's here and how tall are you?

And I run upstairs, I get in my car in my underwear.

Oh, bullshit.

I swear to God. And I start driving away.

No, you don't.

I swear to God, I start driving away. I get down to like the end of my street and I'm like, I'm like, what am I gonna do? Maybe I'll go sleep at David's house, I don't wanna wake them. And in my mind, I'm like, someone's in the house. Even though my first thought in the bed was, this is an earthquake, I completely forgot that for 5 minutes, then I'm sitting in the Tesla you bought me, I go back to my house.

Thank you.

Thank you. And I'm sitting in the Tesla, and I'm like, and as I was leaving, there was an aftershock, so I heard something else when I was upstairs. My house, my bedrooms are downstairs. And I heard a, like that, so I got the fuck outta there. And then I'm just sitting there, And I'm like, somebody's fucking in there. I know someone's in there. And then I was like, oh, earthquake. And then I used the, um, I didn't even have my phone with me, and it said, uh, on Twitter—

I use Twitter. That's where you find out that every earthquake— that's my favorite. After earthquakes, I look up the word earthquake, and then you see every celebrity tweeting about earthquake because they all live within like a 5-mile radius of where it happened. Yeah, that's always the best.

I, I was still scared to go back inside. I was like, maybe there's an earthquake and somebody trying to What do you have to do when there's an earthquake?

You have to leave the house.

My kids weren't with me.

But is that the thing? Like, you have to leave when—

when I always choose to leave the house because of where I live on a hill. I'm like, I don't know if that thing's fucking going down or what.

What happens if you just go into the middle of the street?

You could have a tree fall on you.

Yeah, I mean, but like, if there's nothing surrounding you, like, where you just shake, that's it.

I mean, I've heard to go out of the house or stand in a doorway, but I have a waterbed, so—

waterbed?

No. How did you not get out of bed and like come over to the living room, make sure that I was okay?

I was so tired.

Natalie got out of bed. Todd came over. They probably fucking cuddled after. Yeah, like, I wanted to come and cuddle you.

Yeah.

Ilya said— Ilya said— Ilya was like, dude, I totally wish I could cuddle someone after that because I was so scared. I was like, what the fuck? Like, it's not even that scary.

It's like—

and it's like the weirdest thing to, like, have to feel the need to cuddle somebody.

I just wanted to, like—

what? No, it's comforting.

Really?

I'm going to cuddle you.

Scared of the earthquake is going to eat you?

Yeah. It's like you could be dying. Like, this could be—

yeah, you could. You could be, like, dying. Yeah.

Yeah, but who cares?

I thought, you know, there's a chance when you have one that there's another one coming, but it didn't come.

There's always—

Yeah, another one came.

Oh, I only felt two.

I didn't come to the living room to answer your question because you were just being really loud and I was really tired.

You're scared.

And I was like, I can't go over there because he's being so loud.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

It's just an earthquake. No big deal. I have a question for, for Taylor and Ella.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

The question is, what happens? And I know this happens, so don't deny it. What happens when you need to poop and you're at work?

Oh my God. The poop situation is the worst here.

It's the worst. So really tough.

It is the worst, right?

So, Ella, have you pooped in my house?

Yeah.

Where do you go poop? Like, you go poop outside in the morning before I get here.

Ella, when you have to—

wait, what if you don't have to tell you I have to leave and I'm I'm like, I have plans. It's no plans. I just go home to poop. When I'm like, I have a dinner at like 8 PM, I really gotta go.

Have you done that? Have you told us you had a dinner?

Ella's always like, yeah, I'm going to hang out with my friends. I'm like, you just moved here a fucking 3 weeks ago. How many friends do you have?

I literally have 2 friends. But I mean, I'll leave earlier than I probably need to so I can go home.

Wow, that's crazy.

Taylor, what do you do?

I just go outside.

Whoa, yo, you guys can use my restroom whenever you want. I won't judge you.

That's a lot of pressure.

You realize you're like masturbating half the time in your room?

I'm not. Wait, wait, what do you mean?

How does that relate to what we're talking about?

And from poop into jerking off.

What do you mean I'm masturbating half the time?

When you take a shower and then the shower's on and then you're just like back there, there's no way. Using your toilet.

What do you fucking mean?

How do you know he's masturbating?

How do you know?

Masturbating?

When I'm taking a shower, many times he's gone. He's just in the bathroom with the shower on.

Well, I mean, sometimes, not all the time.

But to answer your question, in other work environments I have pooped. But in this one, in the first week, I was told how fucking weird it is that girls poop.

Oh, shit.

And that we take it back.

So weird that people poop in his house.

If you guys are hot, can you please raise your hand?

I'm not. I'm okay.

Okay, so everyone but you two are fucking hot.

It's a little warm, but wait, like, what's wrong with you, dude?

You have a fucking problem. You know that?

You should see in the trailer. He keeps the trailer at 92 degrees and we're sitting in the middle of the desert in his trailer.

We're fucking coming back from our run and workout. We ran fucking 4 miles and he's fucking He turns the AC off, rolls the windows up, and fucking puts his seat warmer on. Bro, what the fuck is that about?

Sauna?

I don't want to get into a fucking sauna after I run 4 miles.

I want to get into an air-conditioned home.

Why would you want that? You just get cold. You catch a cold. That's how you catch colds.

No, it's not.

Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine. I agree.

Fine.

What about the fucking house? It's always above 75. It's hot as shit. I can't fucking sleep. That's probably why I'm fucking yelling when there's an earthquake.

It's the best to sleep in warm weather. It feels like you're in fucking like the Middle East, like Saudi Arabia. Like you're in— like you're in a—

Hold on, Todd has something to say. He knows, he knows about this shit.

It's actually so bad for you to sleep in warm weather and your body overheats as you're sleeping. Yeah, you, you should be—

you should want to be cold.

Really?

Oh great, here we go. Now we got him.

Like sleeping in the cold makes your metabolism better.

It's fucking 62 degrees tonight.

I would fucking be so happy. Yo, I'm going to fuck with you guys tonight and turn it up to 100. Yo bro, the funniest thing J, we were— have we talked about this? No. We fight about who, who like fucking plays with the air, like at night. Like every morning we'll be like, who the fuck touched the air? And I'll be like, it's not me, it's not me. And one, one, uh, literally 3 days ago, I, I walk out at like 1:30 in the morning to like change the air to make it warmer, and all of a sudden I hear a voice from the couch and it's Illya, and he goes, it is you. And we just start— we both just start dying. So funny. Like, like he was waiting for me here.

Like, you know, like, yeah, yeah, I watched him turn it up and then I watched him go back to his room.

Like little clicks of the clicker and then you just hear Ilya's voice like coming from the darkness on the couch. I just got so scared. My heart sank and I was like, oh my God.

Have you guys ever gotten physical?

This is great.

You two, David and—

Yeah, one time I slammed a door in his face.

On purpose?

Yeah. Oh God, I slammed— I slammed my door. He came into my room and he was like— he had been asking me for about 4 or 5 hours to go to Chicago, and I said, no, I can't go, I can't go. And I was like— I was like in like a bipolar state. Like, I was like so tired from working with him.

No, Jay, you got to recreate it right now so people can like know how much you were slamming that door.

Like, go to the door. It was like— it was like, I don't want to fucking Go! And he was like, okay.

It was crazy, bro.

I was having a bipolar moment.

Yeah, that was insane.

One time he blindfolded me and I had a bipolar moment.

What happened?

One time you were like trying to give me a laptop, but it was really early on and I didn't understand that there were like good things too. Like, I didn't know that. So he was like trying to blindfold me for like a really long time and I was like I don't know, I wasn't taking my medication or whatever, and I got really upset. And then I felt really bad at the end. He was like, here. I ordered groceries the other day, and, uh, and so my neighbor calls me, he goes, did you order a bunch of groceries a couple hours ago? And I go, yeah. And he's like, oh, you're like, oh man, I'm sorry. I go, it's okay, just leave it, uh, leave it at your door, I'll grab it, I'll be home in a second. He's like, no, no, I had to throw it out. He's like, my, my wife's been watching Court TV and she thought someone was trying to poison us.

Bullshit. Really?

Yeah.

How do you save these stories? Yeah, how did you know? Like, this is though— I would have called you after this moment and be like, I have a story for the podcast.

I'm waiting. I'm waiting to the right time.

Or you're like feeding us like little—

like, I'm trying, I'm trying to weave it in.

Oh, like little doses.

And then he goes, you should have opened with this story.

That's fine.

I didn't think it was that funny.

When he told you that he threw everything out, did you like freak out at him?

Not at all. No, no, no. Because I— your neighbors, you can't switch your neighbors. So I made him feel bad telling the story in the podcast. Roger, if you're listening, I love you, you know what I mean? But your neighbors are very important. Like, right, I'm not leaving that fucking house.

Is his name really Roger?

Roger, yeah. He does stand-up comedy and he was, um, he does— he opens for a lot of TV shows. He was like a big stand-up comic, and he got tired of the road, so he basically just— he opens. You know when you go to a sitcom, there's a guy there like, okay, you're gonna want to laugh. Yeah, he tells some jokes. Like with Fallon, remember at Fallon there's a guy that does warm-ups? Yeah, there's warm-up.

That's sick.

Yeah, it's pretty great. But yeah, he's a nice guy. He also fucking— God, he starts banging early on his house, which is annoying, but I love you, Raj. And then there's my other neighbor Simon, who told me COVID would be over in a couple weeks.

I was like—

and he talked me into it too. He's like, he's like, he's British. He's like, he's like, yeah, he's like, he's got these things in Africa. He's like— that's an Australian accent, sorry. He's like, he's like, yeah, he's from my son and zinc and, you know, the malaria drug will take it right out. I was like, oh sweet, so it's not gonna be that bad. You're fucking wrong, Simon. Hey, dude, David, when he's playing video games, she was imitating you before. It was really funny.

Is that—

we were listening to you in there, and I love hearing you say like, John, go back! No, John, no, the fuck!

It's Ill, Ill, get in the helicopter, get in the helicopter! And then it's Joe, Joe, don't you dare fucking crash! Joe, Joe, you're wanted right now!

The problem with David is that like once he makes fun of you, he won't let it go. You know what I mean? Like he'll bash me for like 30 seconds. You fucking idiot. You're the dumbest person I know.

You're the dumbest.

Like, I can't— I can't even believe your fucking mom gave birth to you.

You're so dumb.

So dumb.

So dumb.

He called me today, and you know what my first thought is when he called me?

What?

I went— I thought to myself, I haven't posted anything today, so I'm good.

There's nothing I can yell at you for.

Yeah, there's nothing he can yell at me about. I was like, any stories? Before I picked it up, I was like, okay, I didn't do any stories. No Snapchats. What's up, Dave? How are you? How are your hometown friends?

Oh, they're so good. They just came by.

I mean, now they left, but they're sad they're gone. Yeah, I love when they're here, man.

They bring like a different energy.

They bring everyone into reality.

It's funny how they're like— yeah, it's really funny talking to John. John's the best, man. John's my favorite hometown. I think if out of all my hometown friends, actually, no, Why are you going to have Taylor go get the food?

We can go get it. That's not how it works, John.

Yeah, that is. That is really funny.

It's fucking funny. And by the end of it, John was like, medium rare. Yes, yes.

I saw him one night when he started telling you how to make steaks. I was like, okay, someone's made himself at home.

Yeah, that was crazy.

Oh my God. I go, okay, I'm gonna go outside. And he just goes, okay, um, medium rare.

He was like, he really wanted that steak that night. It was so bizarre. I've never seen him that demanding. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Jason, thank you for being here with me.

That's it.

We'll see you guys later. Bye. My name's Jeff.