David in Love

Um, I hate to break the news to you right here on the podcast in front of everybody. Yeah, but you're one of my closest friends ever, and I, and I don't want to tell you this because I want to put too much pressure on you. Yeah, moving forward. Yeah, because I respect you so much. I don't want you to think that you have to do certain things.

I love this so much. So what's up? Thanks for start— first of all, thanks for starting off in a positive note.

Yeah, because I need to get— I need you to get rid of your kids for the next 8 years. Oh, that's why I'm being nice to you. I just need a little bit more time on the vlogs.

I feel as if you, if you had 48 hours in a day with me, it still wouldn't be enough time. That's how, that's how I feel. I feel that there's a lot of time on the vlog where I'm not doing anything.

Interesting.

But I know, but you know what, I'm gonna take this as a positive and take it as a compliment that you feel better when I'm around, even if I'm not contributing anything, you just like having me near. I'm a comfort blanket. I'm like that warm blanket next to you on the bed right now.

Jason, would you consider yourself a comedian?

I would consider myself a comedian, yeah.

Would you also consider yourself a liar?

I would consider myself someone who deals with a psychopath day in and day out, whose mood we all manage around here. And the conversations that we have when you're not around between every single person, if you could hear them, and things that are said behind your back, you probably would make a huge adjustment to your life?

I wish I could hear the things you say behind my back.

I can tell you right now.

Go.

People say that you look like a fish.

Fuck, you're right. I'm going to make some serious adjustments starting tomorrow.

No, people don't talk behind your back at all. They say it right to your face.

You're a fucking asshole, David. Let's roll the intro music. Hey guys, it's The Views Podcast. I'm David. That's Jason Nash. Over there.

What's up guys, how are you?

I'm on my bed right now, Jason's on my beanbag. I just want to paint the picture. Jason has his hair slicked back.

Yep, we just got off a flight. We've been on tour of the country. We've been in every state in the last 24 hours.

Yeah, we have been, we've been, we've been a lot of places. We've been flying.

David, David, when he travels, he looks very different. So people, when they walk by him, they're very confused.

Oh yeah, it's so interesting. We were, we were walking— when I travel, like, I look like— I don't know, what do I look like? You look like I'm not wearing—

you look like a grandma that took care of herself her entire life.

Life. Yeah, I look like— I look completely different.

Well, he wears glasses and he wears sweatpants and like not attractive sweatshirts and like a hat that doesn't fit his head too well.

Yeah, I'm like in like my most relaxed outfit, but not like when like a cute girl goes, hey, this is my relaxed outfit. Like it's like, like disheveled relaxed, like he's gonna go clean the garage. Yeah, like, like too relaxed. And like people will— like you could tell that people are like— okay, so what happened today is someone came, like really walked right up to me. They weren't talking to me, but they saw Jonah's shirt, and on Jonah's shirt It said David's vlog and they go, oh my God, David's vlog.

Yeah.

And then they're like, oh, Jonah. And they were talking to him right next to me, right next to me. And I don't remember what they said exactly, but then I chimed in and then they like looked at me like they literally tilted their head.

Yeah.

Because we thought you were the IT tech.

Yeah, I literally— I look like I came out of an asshole when I'm traveling. Like, like, like through the airport like I look really bad. It's actually really embarrassing.

I love when the four of us travel together. It was me, Natalie, Jonah, and David.

Bro, do you know how much I was drooling sleeping? I've never drooled this much ever. Did you see me drooling? No, I was—

I wouldn't care if you were drooling. I don't get grossed out by that.

I'm always scared about the flight attendants seeing me because the flight attendants always are like, they're like, whatever, nice to me when I get on the flight.

Sure.

But when I leave, they're always a lot nicer, almost to the point where I think I did something embarrassing in my sleep where they have—

you have this fear. You've brought it up before that you think you're doing this. I sat next to you on two flights today. You didn't do anything.

You didn't snore. But they're like extra nice to me, like I did something like really like fucking embarrassing, like I was drooling in my sleep. That's the vibe I got, cuz they were like, bye, have a good day, David. Like, they're like, they're like a lot sweeter when I'm leaving. Like, I look like a little baby, like drooling on the seat.

No, this is what I think happens. I think someone comes on, recognizes you, and then the flight attendants are like, who's that? Blah blah blah blah blah. So then now they don't come up and say anything, and then once the flight's over, they realize that you were someone important and they want to say goodbye to you. I think that's what it is.

I really— I think I'm just passing serious gas and drooling a lot. I think that's what's going on.

I figured out what Jonah—

you fingered—

I fingered Jonah in the bathroom earlier for one of my videos. No, it's not going to be on my YouTube channel.

What'd you figure out?

Patreon? Um, no, I figured out— I was looking at— because we all don't look great when we travel, like, we look really lousy.

Yeah, I mean, you know, we are the weirdest looking group of people. I don't know if you guys don't watch the vlogs, it's kind of hard to understand, but it's me, my assistant Natalie, and Jonah, this Armenian dude, and Jason. Yeah, and we look like a fucking odd bunch.

We look like— I figured it out. If someone were to see us, it looks like I'm Jonah's dad. Jonah's my son from my first marriage. Yeah, who, you know, the marriage was awful, you know, and was a total shit show, and I had Jonah, and then I had a second marriage a great one that's like, I really like, it worked out great, and I had you and Natalie.

Is that how it works? Well, our first, our first marriage is usually the shit marriages.

Well, if you have a second one, the first one was shit. That is how it works.

That is a good point. Would you ever get remarried?

Yeah, I'd get remarried.

Really?

Yeah, for sure.

That's so interesting. Do you, do you think that you would get a divorce?

I would definitely get divorced too. No, I, I would know if I were to get remarried, I would definitely not get divorced.

Like, that'd be the one? Would you ever have kids with anybody?

I'd have to like really, really, really, really be in love with them and be at a different phase in my life too. Like maybe like you weren't vlogging anymore and I hit the lottery.

Yeah, if you found— you hit the lottery. If you found someone that like you obsessed about, you'd never, you'd never film again. You'd just be hanging out.

No, no, no, I would never do that. I mean, I, I wouldn't. I, I gotta—

that's how I am. If I ever—

like, if you say that, you say that all the time. That's such bullshit.

You really think—

you say that. David will say this thing like every, every couple months. He'll be like, he'll be like, Telling you guys, if I meet the right one, I'll just dip. I'll just dip. I won't be around.

No, it's true.

I'll leave the vlog. If I ever— like Natalie Portman walks in right now, you throw your camera in the fireplace.

I wouldn't throw— yeah, I wouldn't throw my camera in the fireplace. I would go to Canon headquarters and destroy all of the products because I know I would never ever have to use any camera gear ever again because I'm marrying her. I'm moving to Seattle. I don't care if it rains every fucking day. I'm moving wherever she needs me to go.

Bullshit.

Swear on everything.

Bullshit.

I swear on everything.

There's no way. There's no way you would be happy with some other woman's money, and some other woman that took care of you, being a guy that's kept around?

I'm not saying I'd live off Natalie Portman's money, but I'm just saying—

What are you saying then?

We could live a humble life, we can move to like a nice ranch in France or something, it doesn't bother me where we go.

Cool, so we'll give your Ferrari to Dima.

Okay, hold on, slow down. No, no, but seriously, no, but yes, I'm being very dramatic, I wouldn't give everything up, but I would, I would Like, I'm like that. Like, if I'm out—

Literally, the thing you were built on is shooting videos. That's like, that's your drug. That's your thing that makes you happy.

No, bro.

That's everything.

But I know how I was when I first started, when I first started dating Liza, like, and I'm in like the honeymoon stage or whatever. Like, I'm like—

And you still made videos.

Yeah, but—

You made great videos.

But that was different. That's because—

You made videos with her.

Yes, that's because Liza was doing the same thing I was, and she's very, very, very funny.

Very funny.

Very easy to do. That kind of person that's like perfect to do that with. But like, I'm just saying, I'm just saying, Carly, can you attest to this, or do you think that I would continue making videos? I think you would still make videos, but I think you'd be in the honeymoon stage. Yes. And be like, I think you would dip out at like 9. I am the type of guy— PM. That's different because now we're all—

sometimes we try to leave at like 10, he's like, where are you going?

Don't leave, don't leave. Even if we're not doing anything. But I feel like now it would— Jason, I'm the type of guy that like, like if I get a girlfriend, all you guys will do is just talk shit about me behind my back. I can't— he's changed so fucking much, it's so annoying. That's literally what's gonna happen. That's, that's who I am.

I would love for you to get a girlfriend.

I'm like that asshole friend that like leaves everything, like, who like leaves all his friends behind when he finds one.

Yeah, but there's nothing wrong with that either. That's life.

But here's the thing, here's the— yeah, there's nothing wrong with it.

All of us are not— we don't have significant others, and I'm pretty sure that's the secret to life, is to share your life with somebody.

Yeah, right? Regardless, we're very far away from that, so you have nothing to worry about. I'm here to stay.

Are we?

Can you get rid of your kids for 8 years?

Let me— oh, I would love it. I send my kids to China and you get a girlfriend. Perfect. I would be so mad at you.

Why China?

Just, I don't know, I gotta go somewhere, guys.

I guess that would be the place to send them.

That's the thing about love that people don't realize. It just takes one. Right?

Sure.

It takes one person. It doesn't take like, you don't have to make 600 great videos to be a YouTube star. You've gotta make 600 great videos, right? Well, actually, I feel like it takes one with a lot of things.

It takes one movie, it takes one song.

No, it doesn't. You'd be satisfied with your life watching one movie the entire life?

No, no, no, no.

This—

I'm talking about like, like to hit like a stride, like, you know, like all— like Lil Nas X. Yes, sure, he made a bunch of music before, but it took one song for him to like hit it. And I think we're talking about two different things.

I suppose. I guess that's a fair comparison. Lil Nas X, 50 First Dates. Um, but I guess, I guess it's a fair comparison in that you meet that one and you've got to take care of that one. But it really just takes one person to walk in the room. You don't know what's gonna happen if they, you know— and it's also, there's so much too. It's like that one person's got to be at the right place in their life. Natalie Portman's got to get a divorce for you to actually be with her first.

She has two kids.

She's got to send her kids to China too. Let me see my kids.

Let me start with this. It's gonna— it's a very far-fetched dream.

To be with Natalie Portman.

To be with Natalie Portman.

Thank you for—

I will. I actually just watched her interview with Lilly Singh on Lilly's new late night show. And she's— she's— I was watching Natalie. Natalie. My Natalie. And, and I literally verbally, I just kept going, wow, wow, wow. It's crazy. Natalie Portman is like, that's the— that's, that's the— like, if the aliens were like, show us your best human, like, I'd be like, this is the one. Look at her. This is how Is it the way she looks or her personality? Everything about her. She's so— she's the perfect amount of like Harvard, too, you know? Yeah, that's the thing. She— and she speaks like 5 languages. She's like— she's the perfect— like, she's perfectly proper, but she's also super, super goofy. She's like the perfect mix. Like, have you seen her videos with SNL where she's like hardcore fucking rapping and swearing and like—

sure.

And like being not like herself at all. But then she's also so intellectual and it's like, wow. Like, she's literally— and she's gorgeous. Yeah, she's— she is— she's such a—

never gonna happen, bud.

I know, I know. But dude, when I saw her at that premiere, at the Avengers premiere, Jason, that changed my life.

Is that why you like the movie so much?

She wasn't in it.

No, but you saw her there.

I saw her at the premiere. I don't know. She's in the new movie though. She's gonna be the new Thor. So that's gonna be— if I get to go to that premiere—

so she's trading parts. She has a different part in the new series.

No, I don't know how it works. I don't really know.

I thought you were Mr. Marvel.

No, that's, that's Robert Downey Jr. Who do you— who, who's your crush?

I like Scarlett Johansson a lot.

Yeah, you do. Why do you like Scarlett Johansson?

Kate Upton.

Okay, you're describing girls that have a certain look.

No.

Yeah, I think Scarlett Johansson and Kate Upton have like a certain look.

You think so? Yeah, I guess then I guess I'd have a type.

Yeah, you have a type, but like, I like, I like, um, fair looking. Okay, what about your favorite personality? Like, what's your favorite?

Like Dave Chappelle?

No, like in a way, in a woman, like what woman has like your favorite personality?

Oh, Melissa McCarthy.

Melissa McCarthy.

Yeah, I fucking love her.

I've never seen her interview.

Oh God, she's so funny.

Jason and I went to the University of Illinois the other day for a Bumble brand deal, and as part of the brand deal— what?

No, it's just awkward.

When they asked me to do it, I was like, oh, okay, you want me on there?

Um, going for the older set.

We went to the college for it, and as part of the campaign, we had to match with some people on Bumble. So like, I was swiping through like a bunch of people. I was swiping right on a lot of people because I wanted to just match with somebody so I can meet up with them and give them like a little bit of a gift. And I don't know, I just kept swiping. I kept swiping right, maybe like 100, 200 people. And Jason swiped through like 4 or 5 people and then he goes, I'm out. I'm out of swipes. And I go, I'm like, what do you mean you're out of swipes? And he goes, there's no one else. It's like, there's no one.

And then I go, and then I go, I don't think anyone uses Bumble around here? Because we were in Chicago, we were in Champaign, like it was a bit of outside of Chicago, like 2 hours outside. Yeah, I was like, I don't think anyone uses it.

Yeah. And I'm like, no, Jason, people use it. Like, I'm still swiping, this is probably my 300th swipe. And turns out that it was probably because no one had their age restricted to, you know, 18 to 46.

I was literally too old for the brand deals.

So, so we had to move Jason's age down to 25 for the time being?

No, no, we kept it there. You know, you know what it was? Then I went to BFFs because that's what we were supposed to do.

Oh, you went on— you were on Bumble dating?

Yeah. Then when I went to BFF, I matched with a ton of people.

So a lot more people are looking for an older friend, but definitely don't want to do anything, anything beyond friendship with an older guy. That makes sense.

It was all dudes. The only matches that— the only matches I got were dudes.

Isn't that crazy that like age is one thing you can't change?

It's crazy, man.

Like, you're 46 and you're stuck there.

Yeah, I'm not stuck there, I'm just going even higher.

Yeah, like, this is the youngest you'll ever be.

That's right.

Like, that's so crazy to think. Same for me.

I know. And I look back when I was like 43—

when you're double my age, how cool is that?

I know, that's what the psychic said. That's why 23 was such an important number. Oh yeah, remember? But it's, it's weird. Like, when I met you, I was 43, and I like felt so old then. But now looking back, I'm 43. I was like, oh, I was doing great. Like, when I'm 50, it's going to be all over. My 50th birthday party, that'll be weird.

Yeah. What are we going to do?

I don't know. Get Wyatt and Charlie back from China, I guess.

When you die, when you die, what do you want? Where do you want me to be? How do you want the funeral to go? Do you want me to even go to the funeral, or can I stay at home, relax a little bit? Where do you want me?

I would love for you to go up and give a nice speech.

Really?

Yeah, of course. I'd like my mom to speak. And I'd like you to speak.

Oh, you think your mom's still going to be around?

I don't plan on living much longer.

Oh, okay. Okay.

I mean, once we—

So if you die, if you die, you want me to give a speech?

I would love for you to give a speech.

Funny or sentimental?

I would love it to be mostly funny and a little bit of sentiment.

Mostly. Well, you know how you write those speeches, right?

You won't be able to be sentimental at my funeral.

Those speeches, this is how it goes. It goes, it goes, it goes sentimental line to funny To funny, to funny, funny, sentimental, and then you wrap it up with funny. That's how it works.

It's a funeral, David. It's not a fucking bar mitzvah. What are you saying? You won't be able to be sentimental. I don't think you have it in you. I literally— this is what I think you'd do at my funeral. I think you'd get up there and be like, you'll get up there and be like, ah, this is crazy, he's dead.

He's dead.

And we joked about it, but he's He's actually dead. And then you'll go, no, but seriously, Jason was a— he was a good guy, and, um, you know, we're gonna miss him, and he was a great guy, and he was a— he was a good dad, bro. And then you're gonna go— and then you're gonna go like this. You'll be up there for about 90 seconds, and you're gonna go, and so, um, I'm donating, uh, $200,000 to Wyatt and Charlie's college fund, and, uh, rest in peace, Jason. And that'll be it. You'll solve it with money.

No.

Yeah, you will. You'll solve it with money. Sure, everyone will go, oh my God, he's the best. You're crazy. But you won't actually, like, you won't actually go to an emotional place of where you're gonna miss me.

100% would. I've talked so highly of you already and you're alive. Like, I— no, I will.

Yeah, but that's different. This is like actual, like, emotions. Like, you never cried about me. You say nice things about me, which I appreciate greatly, but you've never— you wouldn't sit up there at the funeral and cry.

No, I would definitely cry if I was at your funeral.

You would not.

I wouldn't cry No, I would definitely cry talking about you. Like, if I was at the funeral, I would. And I would give like a serious speech about you.

You would?

Yeah, 100%.

What would you say?

I'll say Jason was good. Here's $300,000 to Charlie and Wyatt. No, I don't know. No, it'd be—

I've seen you tear up once, actually.

No, I would—

when I was giving a speech, one of my better speeches.

And I wouldn't tear up. I wouldn't tear up like just to tear up. I'm super— I'm so emotional. I was crying today.

Not around me, you're not.

I literally cried next to you today. You didn't even know.

Well, why didn't you tap me on the shoulder and I would have put my arm around you?

You know when we were in the cab and that guy was giving you that emotional— we had a cab driver.

Oh my god, that's so funny because I was fucking hating you in that cab.

Okay, so there was, there's this cab driver and basically he— I don't know, I don't know what was he doing.

We got into the cab at like quarter to 6 in the morning. Jonah was in front, Dave and I were in the back, and I, and I was just kind of being silly, goofing around. And the guy put on jazz music and he started talking about life a little bit. And then I said, well, why don't you talk to my friend Jonah about life? Teach him how to be a man. And the guy was like, oh no, don't get me started, man. Don't get me started 'cause I'll go for days. Like that. And then the guy went really deep into life.

Like an entire sermon on life.

Yeah, and then I was like, this is crazy. And I'm looking over at David who's not reacting at all at how deep this guy's going in at 6:00 in the morning. Like he's literally talking about like, I am the one and you are what you are and don't try to be anything else, and he was like touching on all these touchstones, and it was, it was wild. But you were actually crying inside.

I wasn't crying at that at all. I actually wasn't listening. I tuned, I tuned it out.

Oh, you okay?

I was watching a video on my Facebook of this guy getting surprised by his mother who he hasn't seen in 10 years, and it was on mute, and I didn't even hear anything, but his reaction was fucking insane. He hasn't seen his mom in 10 years. Ah, so first he saw his brother who he hasn't seen in 10 years, right? And he was, he's like this big like football player man, almost like huge guy. And he started like bawling when he saw his brother. And then his mom came from around the corner and he hasn't seen her in 10 years and he just completely fucking lost it.

This is what I hate about your generation. You chose the thing on your fucking phone over the real thing that was in front of you. The guy that was in front of you, that was a real person that had real experiences. That was like, you could, you could actually experience what that guy was like. You could have watched that video at any time.

I was listening to that guy. He wasn't making much sense. He was saying the same thing over and over again.

And don't— how could you?

But he sounded like a broken record. He said the same thing over and over again.

No, you weren't listening. All he said was— doesn't matter if he was saying the same.

All he said was, stop looking for yourself, it is inside you.

That's not what he was saying.

Really?

All he kept saying, you have to understand, but you had to look at where he came from and his point of view and like why he was saying it, you know what I mean? I don't know. That's why I was mad at you.

You were mad at me for not— wait, were you mad at me for not paying attention and like taking the moment in, or were you mad at me for not like filming and like laughing at it?

I didn't want you to film, but I thought like I just wanted you to like take the moment in with all of us, whether you thought it was like good or bad or funny.

I was in them.

You were on Facebook because I— because I'm watching a sound—

a video with no sound on because I listened to a part of it and it was going on for so long, it was so repetitive that I couldn't do it anymore because it was so early in the morning and I couldn't— I couldn't have a conversation on it.

Yeah, fair enough.

So I was like trying to tune it out.

Cool, man. Yeah, put on TikTok the next time I open up to you.

You weren't opening up to me. You didn't say a word.

You all the time.

You also weren't responding to the guy like you were listening. All you kept—

I was listening.

All you kept saying was, yeah, mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Totally. We're Delta, by the way. I remember. I remember he was like— he was like deep in a part and you go, we're Delta, by the way, even though he was already parked right outside the Delta terminal. We're Delta, by the way. And I was like, Jason, fucking listen to the guy.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, well, whatever. What are you— what are you doing for Halloween?

I'll probably go trick-or-treating with my kids and Halloween, ride around with you and the Tesla looking for footage and not get anything.

Halloween is huge here. It's like, it's like 7 to 10 days.

You love Halloween.

Love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday.

Have you been invited to anything yet?

Yeah.

How many parties you got on the docket?

I got 3.

3 already?

3 on the docket.

What's your take on costumes? Do you get nervous about it? Do you feel pressure?

No, I always like dress up, but super like lightly. Like, I never feel the need to have like the coolest costume at a party like ever. Yeah, like I'm always just like, yeah, I'll just— I definitely want to wear a costume because you look like such a douche if you go to a Halloween party without a costume.

You feel horrible.

You feel horrible.

You do that.

Yeah.

And what about your candy intake? Are you thinking of having a lot of it this year?

No, I don't eat— I don't really eat candy during Halloween.

And where are you gonna trick-or-treat?

I don't trick-or-treat anymore, Jason. Last year was my final year. I told you.

Oh, okay. Well, at least you're being honest about it. Um, David's been lying for years about his trick-or-treating, and he's actually been trick-or-treating.

We used to go— I used to go trick-or-treating like at like 4 PM right after school. Is that early?

It's a little early.

Yeah, we used to go right after school.

Why so early?

Because that's when people would put the buckets out, like the people that like wouldn't answer the door, so we get first grab at all the candy.

Oh, get the goods. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. In Chicago, they don't answer the door with the candy?

Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they just leave like coolers outside of the house. With like big, like big candy bars and it says, please take one. But you check for cameras. Sometimes they have like fake cameras set up and you just, you take everything. Sometimes kids would just take the cooler.

My penis doctor was saying—

we're talking about trick-or-treating.

I'm getting to it.

Okay.

My penis doctor was saying they moved to a new neighborhood in Sherman Oaks and the first thing they said to them was like, this is a Halloween neighborhood, so we're hoping you decorate your house. Whoa.

Really?

So she's feeling all this pressure to like—

that's fucking interesting.

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm scared of the people that are going to come here because I know there's going to be people that are going to be like, we just randomly stumbled upon your house for Halloween.

Oh, yeah.

But I know that's not true because no one ever trick-or-treats in this neighborhood.

You'll never know.

Yeah, you'll never know. I'm going to get killed.

Bring my kids this way.

You are?

Yeah. We're going to definitely stop by here and show you the costumes and see how much candy we can get from you. Maybe we'll get money because you won't have candy and you'll feel bad for how much shit you talk about my kids.

I'll just—

yeah, I'll just give them a $500.

I'll just look behind me, be like, you guys want a flat screen? You guys want a pool table? I'll call a truck.

We gotta catch you on Christmas. That's what we gotta do, because that's when you'll be in the best giving spirits to the kids.

Yeah, Christmas.

I don't know how you give to the entire world and hate my kids. You're so nice to everybody.

I don't hate your kids. Don't hate your kids. Stop saying that. I like your kids.

You do? What do you like about them? What are their names? Cut this out.

Something with— what? Like the sound gets good.

Close. Wyatt.

Chunky.

Wyatt and Chunky. Yeah.

Charlie. Charlie.

I named her after a candy bar.

That's right.

Wyatt and Chunky.

What's your favorite thing about Chunky?

About Charlie?

Yeah.

Well, I love Charlie because she's like— she's— she's like—

she's like, get me— get me my notes on Jason's kids.

She's— she's like 75 years old already. Like, she's very mature.

Yeah.

And she's like, like, like the attitude she gives you is like she's turning into an actual human.

David, if I had $10,000 on the line right now, I gave you an opportunity to win $10,000.

Okay.

And I was bringing in some of the finest chefs in the world. They're in your living room and you have an hour and a half to make one meal for these chefs and impress them for the $10,000. What would you do?

Wow, what am I good at?

Yeah, cooking.

I would make— you know what I would make?

What?

I would make a peanut butter jelly cucumber sandwich because I know it sounds a little crazy.

Good.

I just thought about this. Cucumber is really great with sweet stuff. Uh-huh. Very good combination. So I would have the peanut butter and I had a slice of cucumber sliced like a pickle. Yeah, inside the sandwich.

You— this is good. You've had this?

Yes.

You're lying.

I've had it once. Well, I've had— I've never put it in the sandwich, but I've had cucumbers along with the peanut butter jelly sandwich.

This is what you would make to try to impress the chefs?

Of course, because these chefs have seen all the dishes of the world. Oh, so I want to give them something that maybe they've seen a lot, but with a new twist.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I mean, this is what happens when you ask a rich person hypotheticals. They're like, I'm already rich, it doesn't matter.

No, that would be my actual attempt.

How's your talking sync going?

Listening sync. For this next portion of the podcast, we have our friend Heath here.

What's going on?

What's going on? Heath is one of the first friends I met out here in L.A. I met him with Zane when I first met Heath. He got a lot of money from Vine and he was just like, ready.

It's a lot of money.

Like, I don't know.

Well, I moved out here with like $50 grand in my bank, which was, which was a ton, ton of money. That is a ton of money when you're 22. I was 21.

21.

When you're being— well, yeah, when you're 21, that's like, that's like having $20 million.

That's like having the world.

Yeah, especially from Vine, from creating 6-second videos. Yeah, you moved out to LA with $50 grand in your account. Wow. What do people in, like, in your hometown think?

Oh, they thought it was insane. Well, I didn't go around telling my high school friends, did I? But my mom knew how much I had.

What did she think of it?

She thought it was insane.

What's like the highest you got paid for one Vine back in the day?

Um, I want to say like Maybe $14 for one post.

Yeah, that's so crazy. People never understood that. The highest I got paid was maybe, maybe somewhere like $2,000. What happened? You have a fun story that you've told during the tour and I want to— it was your mother.

Should I say you want to talk about this one?

Yeah, that's my favorite story. Your mother caught you masturbating once.

Yeah.

How did it happen?

It wasn't like I had like— it wasn't like she came in and I was in the act of doing it, but it was like it was like right there and I tried to hide it.

Sure.

Um, so I was sitting there on my couch. Yes, I was in the living room doing my thing, which is normal. Yeah.

Well, as a kid, the first couple times I jerked off was also in my parents' living room.

Yeah. You don't really think about it. Like, it's kind of—

I know they listen to this.

It's so weird.

What were you looking at? Like a Victoria's Secret?

You want me to be honest?

Yeah.

Well, my computer was blocked. I had no, uh, like everything had parental controls on it.

Yeah.

Wow. Because you're a little masturbating fiend, they had to lock that up.

No, they were just very protective. And didn't let me, like, have anything.

Sure.

So the only thing I had was MTV music videos.

Oh, you're talking like Pussycat Dolls, Jenny from the Block. Oh, okay. Wow. I didn't know you were like that.

So I had to have one right after school. I'd have on, like, the top 10 countdown. And then when it'd be like Maroon 5, I'd be like, fuck, you have to wait. My favorite.

Get past Maroon 5, get past Nick Lachey, and then get to Go to your masturbating session.

I had that and then SpongeBob, like Nickelodeon, on the last button. So like, just in case anything ever did happen, I just press like return and it'd be like—

that was the most powerful button as a kid, is the return. I don't think kids nowadays will not understand what the power of the return button did on the remote, because you could be watching one channel and one button will get you to the channel that is like age appropriate for you. Yeah, yeah. I would use that all the time. I never masturbate. To something on TV, but every time I watch like an inappropriate movie, I'd always switch right back.

Yeah, well, TV's all I had, so that's what I was doing. I was in the living room going at it. My mom—

to what music video was this?

I think it was Jenny on the Block. Oh, Jenny from the Block.

Sorry, Jennifer Lopez.

Yeah, so I'm sitting there living room, and my mom's the type to always call, let me know the most ridiculous details. Hey, I'll be home in 10 minutes, I'm dropping something off at the post office. And I'm like, okay, I don't, I don't care. Like like, I'll see you when I see you.

Yeah.

Um, but I knew she was like that, so I always knew when she would be home exactly. So I was like, all right, I'm good, haven't gotten a call yet. She ended up taking off work early, going grocery shopping, doing things. So she came home early and never called me.

Oh boy.

So I'm sitting there just doing my thing, and I look over and I look through the front window and I see her walking up.

No, no.

And I'm like, no, fuck, fuck. I grabbed the remote, return SpongeBob. I start pulling my pants up and I hear the lock from the front door and it starts opening. I get my pants to around my knees and I'm like, fuck it, I can't get them all the way up. So I grabbed the pillow, throw it over my lap, and I'm just sitting here like this.

Do you have a boner at this point?

No, instantly gone. Everything.

Yeah.

I look up and she's opening the front door and she's got groceries in her hand. She opens the door, she goes like this, she goes, Heath, can you help me with the— sets the bags down. Can you help me with the groceries? And she's standing in the doorway, just locked eyes at me, just fucking staring through me. And I'm like, I'm like, yeah, no, I'll be there in a second. This episode's almost over. She goes, crosses her arms, no, I'll wait. It's okay, it's almost over. It's like, I'll be right there. She's like, take your time. And she's just sitting there. It's like a game of chess to see who's gonna make the next move.

Fuck me.

So we just stared at each other for what felt like 5 minutes, but it was probably like 30 seconds, which is still an uncomfortably long time.

Yeah.

She finally walks over, literally comes up to me. I still don't have shit covering me, just the pillow. She walks over, she already knew what she was gonna do. She walks over, she grabs the pillow, rips it off me. She's like, what are you doing? Like, you couldn't just fucking go to the kitchen and let me know?

I've seen this porn.

What are you doing? I've seen this porn.

She goes, what are you doing? I was like, I'm just chilling.

I'm just chilling.

Or I go, I'm just chilling. And she goes, put your pants up and go get the groceries. And we didn't talk for like 3 days after that.

Wow. And did you ever bring it up later?

Never. Never again.

Holy shit. You've never— you know, you know, it was the—

it was the most horrifying, traumatic thing of like my childhood.

That was my mom. She would have been like, oh, okay, all right, I'm gonna go get the groceries. You take your time.

Exactly. And I have fun.

Yeah, need some help?

Oh no, work just called. Gotta go back for the next 8 days.

Yeah, I don't know what lesson she was trying to give me.

Don't jerk off on the couch, right?

Just bare ass on the new leather.

Okay, well, that's all— that's all the time we have for Heath. Heath, you actually— Heath, you actually have a podcast now. You've come a long way from masturbating on your mom's couch to Jennifer Lopez. What's your podcast? Plug it in.

And I—

we actually have a podcast.

Cut this out, Jason, after you edit.

Oh, fuck you. Uh, Zane and I, we actually just started it. It's called Zane and Heath Unfiltered. Um, so if you guys want to hear more stuff like that and other stories that Zane and I have, uh, encountered throughout our life.

They have multiple masturbation stories. Zane has been caught by every member of his family, so it's—

I think Zane's actually been caught by me.

You've caught Zane? How?

Make sure to tune in. And, uh, yeah, thank you for having me, David.

I really appreciate it.

You as well, Jason.

Thanks.

Thanks for— thanks for us having you.

My sex stories aren't fun. You guys all have fun ones. My dad was such a tyrant. Like, he caught me looking at Playboys once and he just I just fucking was so pissed.

Was— were your dad's— I think I've asked you this before. Were your dad's Playboys sticky, like between the pages?

No, they were pristine.

Oh, they were like really nice.

Yeah.

Well, you know, my dad didn't have Playboys. That's such an American thing, I think.

You think so?

To have Playboys? Yeah. That's not porn. To have porn in a magazine?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's crazy. I thought that was fake. Like, I thought that was just like in the movies.

You think Americans, they have a way different viewpoint of sex than like your parents do?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, you think it's pretty much the same?

Yeah, I just think— I just think like magazines was like a very weird, like, like Western idea.

Was the first porn you watched—

the first porn?

Yeah. What was the first thing that turned you on?

Um, Good Luck Chuck. Oh, do you remember that movie? Zane's shaking his head. It was— it was Good Luck Chuck to you?

Yeah. Um, funny story about that movie. Um, the first time I saw that movie was with my entire family and grandparents.

Oh wow.

And we didn't really realize that that movie was going to be like that insane.

Yeah.

And it came to like nudity and porn and all that.

Wait, tell me what Good Luck Chuck is.

So basically, um, as, um, when he was a child, he got cursed by this girl that because she wanted to hook up with him and he didn't want to hook up with her, so she cursed him. And she cursed him with a spell that was, you'll never find a girl, and every girl that you hook up with or you like, she's gonna break up with you. And she— the next person that she goes out with is going to be her true love. So he's always going to be in this position where he'll never find true love. So he, he gets, he gets older, he's an adult, and every girl he hooks up with, she ends up finding the love of her life after him.

Yeah, so he's just hooking up with a bunch of girls. That's a lot of sex, it's a lot of boobs. It's, uh, Dane Cook.

Oh, Dane Cook.

So there's a scene where, where he ends up taking advantage of any— so he and all the girls find out who he is and like what special power he has. So there's a scene where he's just hooking up with like 40, 50 different, different girls. And dude, they— the way they play it on, it's insane how Dan Cook greenlit that script.

Yeah, I like this one.

He's basically— he's fucking a chick and it's like, it's, it's porn, but like they split the screen into like 20 different scenes and they kept going in and out, in and out.

That movie was the first time I had a boner.

Really?

Yeah, that was the first time I was ever turned on. And I remember that I've definitely jacked off to that movie. Yeah, it was. I don't know what it was about that movie, but I remember, I remember exactly where I was. I was standing over Reggie's brother's shoulder. I was standing over his shoulder and he was watching it on his computer because he just got like this new— he found this new website where you can watch free movies that just came out. And I was sitting over his shoulder and just by watching a snippet of it, I got a boner. And that's when I was like, what's going on? I'm into girls. Like, that's when I first found out as a kid.

I was like, pretty much the one movie that you can get away with watching and it could be porn and your parents would know it was straight up porn.

Yeah. And that one scene in Wedding Crashers where all the girls are falling on the bed, you know, that scene.

I think so.

That Wedding Crashers was like— it was literally— my parents would watch it like a lot. And like, every time I walked down, it was so forbidden. It was like literally like watching like Hitler's speech at my house. Like, it was like— it was like the worst thing I could walk in on. And my parents would always turn it off. And then I saw Wedding Crashers once and I was like, this is fucking insane. Like, are all adults like sex addicts? Like, what's happening?

While you guys are doing that, I was getting real pussy.

Yeah, that's disgusting. I don't want to— I actually don't want to get into this.

Oh my God, I just got a text from Charlie.

Oh, the little— the little— my favorite daughter of yours. What did she say?

Called her chunky earlier.

I just forgot her name. Let me see. Let me see.

Well, first of all, we've been going through a lot.

Oh, it's a long fucking text.

Yeah.

Oh my God. Scrap this. Cut this out of the podcast.

We've been, we've been going through a lot because I haven't gone so much touring with you.

Oh, so she's sad?

No, I just know that. Oh, go ahead, read it. I don't know.

Did you guys have a talk?

No, but I just saw her for like 2 hours. She was going to stay with me tonight, but I had to do the podcast.

Oh, wow. This is fucking emotional. I just read the first line. Okay, here we go. This is from— how old's your daughter?

She's 10.

She's 10 years old.

I wrote her a very heartfelt letter.

This is from 2 months ago. Charlie. Okay, here we go. I just wanted to say that I love you, Daddy, and I totally understand why you go and do stand-up shows and that you don't want to be away from us. But I wanted to let you know that throughout all the time you were gone, I was constantly thinking of you and when you will come back. You are the best dad in the world and don't feel bad for leaving us because we understand that you need to make money. Holy shit, I'm literally tearing up. I'm so lucky to have a dad like you. You always help me when I'm upset about homework and I always take me and my friends places even when they misbehave. I always love you and I hope that nothing will ever get between us. I love you more than you will ever know. I will never stop loving you. And when you come back, we have the best times together. Me and Wyatt are so thankful that we have a dad like you. Never feel like you're a bad dad because you aren't and you never will be.

Oh my God.

You will always be the old cool YouTube nice loving dad. Good night, Daddy. I love and I miss you.

David's crying. David has full-on tears in his eyes.

David is sobbing.

Jeff, who's been to jail, is fucking fighting back the tears.

Yeah, that was emotional.

Oh my God.

I get— listen, you are a really good dad.

Thank you.

I have tears on my face.

David is crying. Wow.

No, I'm not. Something literally flew right in my eye as I was reading that.

Is it contact solution?

No, I'm allergic to fucking emotional shit. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today. That's all the time we have for today's podcast. Fuck this shit. I don't want to do this anymore. No, but thank you guys for listening. Um, it's been a Views podcast. Jason's daughter is incredible. We should— Jason, go home right now, spend some time with her. I never want to see you again because I'm just like, you go take care of that girl. Um, but no, thank you guys for listening. Go buy tickets to Jason's new show. Go buy my merch. We'll see you guys soon. Uh, my name is Jeff. We'll see you guys later. Bye-bye.