Watching the Vlogs While My Friend's Have Sex

do that.

But I don't know if I'm gay or not. I still don't know.

That's why we're here.

Is that why we picked it?

Yeah, we picked Bangkok for a reason.

Um, David can live out his dreams.

That's what Wyatt was saying. Wyatt was like, well, maybe he is gay. And, uh, wait, what?

You and your son are talking?

Wait, you and your son talk about whether or not I'm gay?

What's weird about Wyatt is he's 19 now, and he like— he's like— he's like one of us. He's funny, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, right?

Yeah, he is.

He's really funny. And he was saying—

not as funny as me.

No, not as funny as you. But oh, good, good. But, but he was saying, he's like, well, what if he is gay. And I was like, well, if he is— because then Charlie jumped in.

All right, but let's— wait, what?

My mom was on the line. We had a whole national conference about your sexuality. That was why— that was why it's, um— he was pitching me an idea, and then, for Bangkok. And then Charlie jumped in and she was like, well, what if David is gay? That's not very nice. And then what?

Oh wow. Yeah, I'm not— I'm not— I do lean on the feminine side. Have you ever thought I was gay? Like, fully? Like, like, you fully convinced?

No. No, I don't think you're gay. Okay, and if you are, that's great, but I just don't think you are.

Come on, it's 2025.

Can we stop?

When we bring up being gay, can people stop going, it's fine if you are? We all know it's fine.

The thing about dating—

I hate when people say that. I hate it.

Here's what people don't—

gay's okay.

Here's what people—

the last time I'm going to say it, and from now on people should just know nobody has to bring up the word gay and then all of a sudden go, it's totally okay, we support you.

Well, I have to because I'm older. 'Cause people assume I'm racist. 'Cause of my haircut and how white I am. But I married a brown woman, 'cause I want that stated for the record.

Okay, well, that may make you more racist the way you're describing it.

And I didn't realize she was brown until after we were married.

Yes, that is true. She said that to me. You are nearsighted.

She goes, no, she was like, you know, brown people like us. And I was like, wait a minute. I was like, oh yeah.

Wait, well, you also are brown yourself.

I'm brown too. I'm a quarter brown too.

You just found out.

I'm Arab.

Is this true?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I took a DNA test.

You found out you're 30% Arab?

It was— yeah, 25, 26%.

You rounded up on the phone?

Yeah, I took it a little bit, bumped it up a little.

Wow.

26%, Habibi.

Yeah, that's a big deal.

Yeah, yeah.

Was she thrilled?

Oh yeah. When I go visit them in Houston, they like— in Houston, they were already talking it up. They were like, you're, you're Lebanese, you're Lebanese, right? That's like the first thing they say. And because we went to a funeral, a Muslim funeral, and I was like, which was crazy, and I was like, uh, actually kind of do look Arab right now, doesn't he?

Um, like he looks a little Middle Eastern.

Me? I'm so white.

I think ever since you— I don't know. I wish people told you. I wish.

But yes, David just really wants me to play Osama bin Laden in the sketch.

Oh, I wrote a really— I wrote a really good verse. Yeah, I've had a weird obsession with Osama bin Laden. I was sleeping. I wrote this at 4 AM because I woke up to this. Um, ready? This is— if I— I like to write down verses if I ever start a rap career.

Parody songs?

No, this is like for real.

Straight?

Yeah, this is like if I need to spit shit like Eminem.

What?

Wow.

You don't know how to do this?

I thought you just—

I never want to share them because I am saving them for whatever.

Saving them for what?

Well, for like if I ever do pursue rap. I mean, fucking what? All creative people do stupid fucking things. So yeah, assume one day I'll have something like a one-off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, I don't know how I'm gonna say it, but it's, you used to stay, you used to stay plotting, but I'm not scared of you anymore. You a has-been Laden.

Ah, used to say plotting.

That's pretty good.

No, that has been a lot.

You a has-been.

Yeah, Laden. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Plotting, plotting. Yeah, like you used to terrorize me. Yeah, but that's in the past.

Damn, I like that. It's like a little double entendre thing.

Well, that's what's up. That's what rap is about.

This is your diss track for your bus bully. When you were 14?

Yeah, the Russian boys. The Russian boys that called me Justin Bieber. The most menacing words anybody could say.

Used to call me Bieber, now you're a Belieber. See me up on the screen.

Holy shit. Damn, you're cooking. You got my fever.

I got a fever.

Well, yeah, that's a good verse I came up with. I don't know if that offends you.

No, but the thing is, the thing about David, I think, is if he was gay, if you really know him—

Oh, whoa, Jesus, you brought it back.

His personality, you would come out by now.

It's because I'm—

Oh, yeah, you know what I mean? You wouldn't live like that.

I mean, yeah. No, no, no. I mean, I don't know. I don't know the process of coming out and like how difficult it could be. I start crying. But, but yeah, I know. I think I would have. Well, I do lean like pretty feminine. So like, just like with like my choices, I have a, like, of a feminine walk. I think the way like my legs are connected.

Walk.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, that's like the most feminine thing about you.

What is the most feminine thing about me? It's not my walk. I feel like I walk kind of weird. Like the way my legs are, like, combined, like, to my ass are really—

No, it's just because you're carrying a lot back there.

Big ass.

Yeah, big ass.

I brought my hemorrhoid cream to Bangkok. This brings me up. And I haven't had any hemorrhoid issues since the hemorrhoid episode. Yeah, where Reggie stared into my asshole. Um, by the way, that's so gonna win a Golden Globe. I'm getting so much feedback on it, I already know it. Um, and I haven't had any pain there. Um, but until last night, um, we were riding one of those tuk-tuks in Bangkok. It's like literally like a little car where like this guy's speeding through the streets like 100 miles per hour, weaving between traffic. And then my pain came back, so I got to the hotel room and I was gonna apply the hemorrhoid cream. And what you have to do, you have to put it on your finger and just spread it around in your butt. It's so gross.

Like into your butthole? Inside of it? Or you just stick your finger in your butt?

Yes.

Did you call one of the workers here to help?

No, no, no. I called Natalie. She was asleep because it was really late.

Oh, is that why there was a text? Meet me outside. I was going to bring that up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have it. It says— wait a minute.

It was me outside. Please hurry. I'm about to bust.

Yeah. What is that? Well, 4:30 AM. Where are y'all at? Natalie coming. David, hurry up. I'm going to buzzy. And then he corrects it with a bust. Natalie says, LOL, I'm right where on the stairs.

Yeah, I saw that. I saw that this morning too. I don't know where those texts are from.

If they're from you at 4:30 AM, but where?

But it's, it's not because Natalie wasn't responding. That's not— it's not—

what are you— are you guys hooking up? Because there's a—

there's a text.

No, I saw that this morning too. Like, I texted last night and you responded, and it was me saying, hurry, I'm about to bust.

You making—

what are you saying you saw? Wait, where? In what group text?

It's me, you, and Jason in the David, Jason, Natalie group text.

You guys convinced me of it. You're like, no, Jay, those just don't exist.

I said, where are y'all at 4:30 in the morning?

Wait, what the fuck is this? Were we like sleep texting?

No, no, sorry, this is cut. This is yesterday. You can cut this out. This is when— this is when we were going to the airport.

Yeah, the airport.

I swear to God, it says yesterday.

Yes, it is yesterday.

Oh, okay.

This is when we were at the airport at 4:30 in the morning yesterday, and I had to pee, and I was waiting for you guys at the gate, and I said, hurry, I'm about to bust. You can cut it out or keep it in if you find this interesting. The hurry about the bus to Bangkok.

I swear to God, I thought you guys were like up at 4:30 AM like fucking around. I didn't think you were hooking up.

You thought I was texting at 4:30 in the morning like, I'm about to come, you better hurry?

Yeah.

Oh my God, Jay. Yeah, it says yesterday, but that's when we were at the airport. Oh, I was holding down the gate and all your stuff was there, so I was like, can someone please come switch me out because I have to pee? Guys, since we're in Bangkok, I have to look for some tickets for, uh, some ladyboy shows, and you know what I'm gonna be using.

Those are not on there.

No. Okay, that's the one thing that SeatGeek maybe doesn't have. But they have everything. Any concert you can imagine. Bad Bunny, Katy Perry, Morgan Wallen, Tate McRae, Lumineers, everything. All— everything you can imagine except maybe— yeah, back. That's how I am, guys. I need to tell you guys about SeatGeek even though you already know about it. They are the sponsor for today's podcast. With over $28 million, SeatGeek is the number one rated ticketing app. There are more than 70,000 events listed on SeatGeek, including concerts, sports festivals, and ladyboys. I'm just kidding, I made that part up. I love using SeatGeek Pong shows on there? No, no, no, go to the ping pong. No ping pong shows. Okay, but SeatGeek has your back. Each ticket is rated on a scale of 1 to 10, so you know you're getting a good deal. So look for the green dots— green means good, red means bad. Plus, every ticket is backed by their buyer guarantee. Get out of the house this summer, do something fun. Holy shit, this is like attacking someone. And use our code VIEWS10 for 10% off your next set of tickets at SeatGeek. You heard, you heard the SeatGeek ad. Get your fucking ass up.

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You know why I love SeatGeek?

Why?

They put my kids through college.

Amen. Thank you, SeatGeek. Anyway, peppermint cream last night, applying it. Yeah, um, and you have to put it on your finger and then put it in your ass. I put a big, big, big dollop of it on my finger and I'm like applying it. It feels so weird applying it. I'm like, this is so bizarre. I'm like talking myself through it because I'm like bent over in the mirror And it takes me like 15 seconds, and then, and then I bring my finger up and it's still on my finger. I used the wrong finger. So for like 15 seconds, just straight up just rubbing myself. Yeah.

Oh my God, really gross.

Cuz you were like kind of tired. We're all tired here. Yeah, yeah, like it's— it is. You're in like a weird zombie state.

No, totally. So yeah, I, I rubbed the cream into my butt with the wrong finger, and then I had to go back for seconds, I guess.

But yeah, Nami made me a bath last night.

Really?

Insane.

What?

Yeah, she's like, she's like, do you want a bath? And I was like, no. I said no like 5 times, and then she did it anyway.

That's the best. I've had, I've had a, uh, like a girl I used to talk to. Yeah, make me a bath.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, why are you laughing?

You feel like a king.

I just, I don't know, you talking to women just like makes me like, I can't— you say these things, like you say scenarios, and I'm like, like, I don't believe it. I don't know why.

What do you mean you don't believe me? You know that I've kissed girls.

I know, and it's still— I don't believe you.

What are you talking about? You're so jealous that you can't— you can't imagine a world where that's true.

No, no, no, no, no. First of all, that is so far from the truth. Second of all, no, it's— it's just like, it's you like having sexual experiences, like, just does not compute in my brain.

What does that mean? Ask me anything about my sexuality.

I think honestly one of the first times that I saw you like actually kiss a girl was when we were it, like when you kissed that girl in the vlog, like for the first—

yes, yes, yes, first video.

Like otherwise I've never seen David like— like we go out all the time. I know, I know you obviously interact with women and like women.

I've kissed plenty.

I don't— like I've never— I've never— because you're very, you know, obviously you're not like out in public just like making out and doing stuff or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

Like it's— I just, I never see it.

Yeah, but it goes, it goes both ways too because in the last podcast you like flipped out when she was talking about how she shaves her pubic hair.

What?

Yeah, you got, you got, you got really weird.

Wait, what do you mean?

She was talking about her pubic hair.

No, I don't remember that.

I'm saying it goes both ways.

What does this have to do about her pubes?

You don't, you don't, you don't see her that way either sometimes?

Oh, I just like can't.

No, it's different.

So you do see her that way?

Well, pervert.

Oh, by the way, you can't get rid of perverts. It's all over the comments.

It is all over everything. I don't know, I'm a Sometimes I'll wake up and it'll be like, hey, pervert. And I'll be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And it'll be somebody talking about the podcast.

Oh, my God.

We have to get rid of that. Please, guys, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Wait, hold on. Don't do that for me. I was. I was in the middle of it.

I know, but Jason fucking sidetracked us and brought up the pervert thing. Guys, please drop the pervert thing. Call yourself the cucumbers. Anything else? Cucumbers. Hey, cucumbers here. Or cucumbers make it even more adorable. All right, go.

Yeah. I just can't, like, when it comes to you, like, you holding a woman, because you're so— because also because I'm in— what?

I'm sorry, there you go.

No, because I'm in a position where like—

what do you mean holding a woman? Like, just like in, like, cuddling?

No, cuddling. No, no, I, I'm so— I'm in a— like, our relationship is very much so like I take care of you. Like, you're like, like almost like my, my— I mean, like my brother, but like my son also.

Like, it's also like kind of like I take care of you.

No.

Okay, whatever.

Financially?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Well, financially, I actually make him the money, but yes, I do commit a lot. No!

Dude, look at her! She loves this! Feisty!

Nat, I will say, if I could take your job for a day, I would love to see how many brand deals I could get from David too.

I would love to see you try, bro.

Roasted!

I actually make him a lot of money from St.

Tropez on my boat. Okay, go.

I know you do a good job, Nat.

Very nice, Jane. Okay, regardless, finish your thought because—

oh, because— okay, so I'm very— yeah, I'm very much in this position where I'm like looking at like— I like take care of you. So to see— and I don't look at you and be like— like, I don't know, I just like you holding it. Like you even having like your arm around a girl, I'd be like, what? Like you showing effect. Also, you're kind of addicted to me, so I don't really like, you know, like showing affection. Like I just don't— I can't see it. Okay, you making out with somebody, like you put— like putting your hands in like some girl— in a girl's pants, like freaks the fuck out.

That's fucking weird.

I know, why is that weird?

I know, putting a—

you don't phrase it like that.

You touching a girl's boobs, that's easier.

Yeah, that's easier. But don't say putting your hands down a girl's—

I didn't want to be like fingering a girl.

Yeah, I know, but down the pants is weird. It's just like—

okay, sorry.

Yeah, so is fingering a girl.

Okay, no more. You guys are fucked. You guys have been really weird lately.

You having sex with somebody? I'm just—

Dude, shut up.

Shut up.

We've literally had enough.

Why?

You guys are perfect.

You're the one that doesn't know which finger the fucking hemorrhoid cream is on.

That's— I don't have good control of my fingers, and it felt so good when I was using my middle finger that I didn't know it was on my index.

Oh my God.

Okay, sorry. What, Natalie?

Which is funny because you are actually like a— you're a very like sexual person.

Thank you.

But yeah, exactly, like in that way where I don't take you seriously because—

oh, like I'm a little pervert. "Ah, fuck, Perus is back." "I'm a listener of the pod." Am I making sense?

Does that make sense?

No, I guess you just see him like a brother. I mean, it's literally—

The easiest thing is you're using a lot of words to just describe "we're just close friends." I think it's like—

No, but I can see Illya doing stuff. I can see—

Yeah, 'cause Illya's a fucking ape, dude. All he thinks about is, like, sex, fucking, and that motion, and just grunting. Like, that's literally all Illya is. He's built on two things. Fast cars and big boobs. That's like how his brain operates.

I was watching his phone on the plane and it was so funny. I'd look over, it'd be some guy fucking eating protein. Then I'd take like a 5-minute break. I'd look over, it'd be a car.

No, people send me— he doesn't know. I mean, now he knows and he still doesn't care, but he doesn't know that his like likes on Instagram are public. So like when he likes things, everyone sees it and then they'll DM it to me. They'll be like, yo, why is your boy who owns a fitness company liking this shit? And it'll be like the last thing they sent me. Was a gorilla with boobs. Like, like straight up, like boobs.

Yeah, penis out too, right?

There was another one where there was like a gorilla with a penis out, and it's all like bestiality and the weirdest fucking things, and he's like publicly liking them. I'm like, keep this shit to yourself, you fucking weirdo. Um, but yeah, no, he's—

oh, we're even, by the way, because you walked out of the movie yesterday.

Oh yeah, okay. Well, there's a lot to say about the movie. So we're in Bangkok, right? So first off The first experience Jason had here with money was quite funny because what you were at the—

you're at the store, we went to the store and Naveen wanted to buy an energy drink. And so we went up to buy it and we needed to spend 200 baht to use the credit card, right? Because we didn't have cash. And then so she was like, she was like, you have to spend more, you have to spend—

how much is 200 baht in US?

Like $5.

Okay.

So it's like, okay. And we just kept putting things in.

Yeah.

Then she'd be like 87 baht. And I'd be like, okay, here's a chocolate bar. She'd be like, 96 baht. And then we got all this shit for $5, like, yeah, 3 energy drinks.

Yeah, no, they came back with like a grocery bag of things. I was so confused because I was like, I didn't even know Jason snacks like this. But it was, yeah, just to hit the $5, just to hit the 5 bucks. So that's, that's another funny joke in Hangover. I think that was my funniest joke. Bradley Cooper gets shot and he like comes back from the hospital, he's like, I just got stitches, it was $6. How's that even possible? Yeah, so your money goes further here. But then on the other side, for some reason Jason started fucking flipping out last night. We got— we were at the mall. There's like a 7-story mall here, which is crazy. Yeah, like terrifying. Like you're going up the escalators and you could— there's no guardrails or anything. It freaks me out. It's like gives you like straight up vertigo. 7 floors. And anyway, at the top there's a movie theater and this was like we didn't have any energy left, so I was like, let's go see a movie. It was like 6 p.m. Jurassic World was playing, and none of us— none of our credit cards worked except Jason's, like, the whole day. Um, and we wanted to go buy these tickets to the movie, so he like put up a big fuss about spending money for this movie theater.

Like, I just think it's crazy to be in Thailand and go see a movie.

That's what he was saying, but it was very obvious that it was because he didn't want to pay for the movie.

That is just not true. That is just not true. I'm glad to pay for the movie.

No, because then you— hold on, hold on— then you finally were okay with it, and then we got in, and then everyone wanted popcorn and like the collector items for the— for— because now we were, we were on to the fact that Jason didn't want to spend money. So Ilya's ordering like the Jurassic World popcorn bucket that comes with like a see-through dinosaur container and like all that.

He ordered a straight up dinosaur statue, just a plastic dinosaur. I know, I'm not fucking paying for this.

But you were panicking, Jay, and Jay was like, why are we even seeing a movie? Why are we seeing a movie? And like it just made us want to spend more. Even though we're gonna spend— we're gonna spend— or we're gonna give the money back to Jay. Like, no, you're not. Well, I'm not, but I know Ilya will.

And then why don't you guys have money or debit cards?

I mean, I don't know.

The issue was you— they won't take an Amex.

Yeah, we all have Amex. My debit cards like don't work.

I don't know why. Yeah, yeah. What about yours?

Every time I'm in— well, I don't have—

he doesn't have any.

I don't have—

and what about Ilya?

He only has an Amex. I don't carry a credit card with me ever.

I don't—

I don't— any piece of card, like, I don't have anything physical that's a card. No ID.

Right. Why not?

I don't know. Because I always just lose it. And I know that's like no excuse. That just makes me actually sound dumber.

That makes you 14.

But yeah, so I just have Amex, which is horrible in different countries.

Yeah.

Because like, I can't tell you how many times I've been in a car and the taxi's done or whatever, and then they ask for payment and they don't take Amex and they want cash and they're screaming at me.

YouTube.

And then I have to— Yeah, really.

I don't want any followers.

I'm like, can I just plug you on Instagram? Can I just shout you out?

Uh, no, but then, then you bought 8 tickets and there's only 6 of us.

Yeah, because I'm so—

so I paid for 8.

And here's the funny part of it, because I'm so accustomed to buying 8 tickets back home, because every time we have movie night group chat and there's 8 of us in the group chat, so anytime a new movie comes out, I automatically buy 8 tickets for the gang. I don't care who's coming, I buy the 8 tickets and I send them in the group chat. I go This is for— this is for this weekend, right? So when I was buying them off your credit card, I literally selected 8 seats, not even thinking that there were 6 of us, right?

And then the other part of it was—

makes no sense, by the way.

You're like— you're like forcing us to go to this movie, which is fine. Natalie wants to go home. Naveen wants to go home. And so then I'm like, all right, I'll go check out—

Naveen wanted to see Jurassic World.

No, she—

then she started to fade. She did.

No, I started to fade too, because I was sitting next to Natalie.

Yeah.

And she was like passing out. And it was— wait, wait, wait.

And then this is the funny part to me was You finally take us into this VIP theater and it's fucking amazing.

Incredible.

Like, it's way better than IPIC back home.

Yeah, no, it's incredible.

I start to watch Jurassic Park, which I hate, and I'm loving it. I think I thought it was so good. So then to me, they're like, this is great. And then we wanted to leave.

No, the theater was so wild. So it's like 3 floors of a theater. This is what— this is what's so crazy to me. The worst theaters in the world are in Los Angeles. Like the capital of movies has the shittiest movie theaters. Oh, I mean, come on.

Is that true?

Yeah.

What are you fucking talking about?

Really? I mean, I don't know. Where is it better?

Everywhere.

What do you mean?

New York, Chicago?

No, fuck you.

No, I'm trying to think. Is it that much?

Natalie said this walking out. She's like, why on earth does every place do theaters better than Los Angeles? And my hypothesis is because Los Angeles doesn't give a fuck about movies. Because I think it's just, it's just like a business there, do you know what I mean?

Right. And that's kind of true.

That's, that's like my whole thing. It's like, it's very— yeah, it's like glorified elsewhere. Like, even like, even you go to a premiere in LA, it's nothing.

You know what's funny too, like, for, for stand-up comedians, they can't really play Los Angeles, but they can play like the OC.

Of course.

It's so interesting. Everybody's— is that because everybody's too cool?

No, LA's just like, there's so many people are so overstimulated. Yeah, I've always heard from musicians that LA crowds are the worst.

That's so interesting.

Because half of them are the musicians' friends, right? So they're not freaking out. And then the other half just have to see celebrities on the day-to-day basis. But it sucks. Like, if I'm— if I'm like a kid from fucking, uh, Greece and I'm coming to Hollywood, right? Like, I expect the movie theater to be like fucking full-on Hollywood, but it sucks.

This was the best movie theater I've ever been to. Yeah.

So why this was great, it was like 3, 4 stories, I don't even know. And there was like 5 different layers of tickets. You know, you get IMAX, you get 4X, you can get some sort of laser, then you can get VIP lounges. There was VIP Lounge 1, VIP Lounge 2. We got VIP Lounge 1. I didn't know what that meant. And then we were in the lobby, like ordering. There's one lobby where you can order drinks. Then you go upstairs, there's another lobby where you can order like Diet Cokes and you can order your candies and everything. Beer, beer, anything you want.

They had brownies out.

Yeah. And, and yeah, they had free treats too. And, and that part was out of Diet Pepsis. So we kind of missed the first 5 to 10 minutes trying to talk to the people that were working there.

It's very important to the movie experience, the Diet Pepsi.

No, it was because I was panicking. I said when the Diet Pepsi machine was broken. Oh yeah, you did say that's where I called it.

It's like, let's go, this place is fucked.

So I was like, I'm out.

I was so pissed. Then I was like, let's get the money back for the tickets. Dave was like, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely not. We are not asking for the money back. I'm like, why not?

I just think it's rude.

That is not rude.

It's fine, whatever.

That is not—

the Diet Pepsis weren't available, so I'm like, we're heading out of here, whatever. But I'm like, let's just go see the movie because I want to see what it looks like, right? So I walked into the lounge one, and before you hit the theater, these doors open where you think you're going into the theater, but it's another private, like, dining room basically, just for the people that are seeing a movie on that screen.

Yeah.

And guess what? All the Diet Pepsis there you can imagine, and they bring it right to your seat and they bring you extra waters for free. And then they have catering set up so you can come out during the movie, take cinnamon rolls, cookies, brownies. Like they have like beer set up and you could just grab it and go back to your seat. There's nobody even there that you have to like interact with. And like, it's just there set up for you. So genuinely, I have no idea how much you paid for that ticket, but it was probably a fucking shit ton of money.

Yeah.

Because that lounge was nice.

I'll check.

No, I don't. No, I will. Um, but no, no, no, it was amazing. Um, so, so far the Bangkok experience is quite incredible. We haven't gone out yet. Tonight's the night we go out, which I'm like really, really looking forward to. Yeah, we got connected with this guy who owns some clubs here, so that's going to be fun. And, um, but yeah, I had breakfast this morning, Jay.

How was it?

Horrible. I fucking hate—

what?

What?

It was so good.

Well, I hate breakfast. Don't you like—

why do you hate breakfast?

Because it's like, what am I— what am I doing up at 9 in the morning eating cake, basically?

Like, you're supposed to have like protein, have like an omelette and salmon.

I know, but dude, they have all you can eat here. They have every fruit you can imagine.

Oh, well then I would hate it too. They have pastries.

Were incredible.

They were incredible.

I think half of my calories are— I think I probably had like, what, 1,500 calories?

You think?

Yes, Natalie.

Oh my God, what did I have?

You probably had like $750 to like $1,000.

What'd you guys have?

Well, they had like these croissants filled with fucking sausage.

Oh, I didn't see that.

Chocolate croissants.

So good.

All the fruit is cut up into like the craziest shapes, like shapes that don't even exist in the US. Like pineapples cut like Christmas trees, like, like the fucking watermelons cut like ruffles. Like everything is cut like in the most incredible way. And I love the waiters in like different countries because they'll come over— I mean, every 3 minutes they come over. Like, you take a sip of your water and they're like already filling up your water. But when they ask you for something, it's so great because they like, they stare, they get really close to you, and they're like, they open up their— like, they're, they're really wide-eyed and they go, anything else? And then they like hang on to every word you say. Yeah, they're like, they're like really fucking locking it in. I'm gonna turn around and I go grab it, bro.

A guy came up to me today and asked me if I wanted a to-go box when I leave on Tuesday. Really? Yeah.

He's a go box for what?

Uh, he's like, he's like, when you leave in the morning on Tuesday at 9 AM, he's like, would you like me to prepare a to-go box of food? Oh, for you?

Yeah, that's like in 4 days and he's already thinking, he's already thinking about it. And have you noticed how many people know your name?

Yes, people know my name. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy.

I walk around 'Good morning, David.' 'Yeah, how's the breakfast?' I'm like, 'What the fuck's going on?' Yesterday Ilya asked one of the waiters, um, about ladyboys. What'd he say?

He was just like— he was trying to— he was trying to ask like if it's offensive to say that, right? And but the guy was clearly took it like, 'Oh, this guy came here for the ladyboys,' and he was just telling him where to go.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, how many people do you think— how many people do you think come here just for the ladyboys?

I think a lot.

Probably a lot.

I mean, I don't know Bangkok. I don't know anything about Bangkok other than partying and ladyboys. Like, those are the only two things that I know really about Bangkok, right? So I feel like there's a lot of other people on the same page.

I'm really worried because when I'm drunk, like—

yeah, I'm scared for you.

Like, when I'm drunk, like, what happens when you're drunk? Well, these women I see are beautiful, right? Or men, women, I don't know what they're referred to as, but like They're so— like, I've seen a lot of TikToks where it's like this beautiful woman from Bangkok is peeing in a urinal, but like, she's fucking gorgeous. Yeah. Like half a beer in and I'm like, I gotta get this woman's number.

So you're around beautiful women all the time in LA.

Yeah.

But yeah, but not with penises.

This is right up my alley. Um, no, I don't know. I'm like, Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I'm a little nervous, but I also know that I think it'll be fine.

What are we doing today?

Um, today we're gonna go see some monkeys.

We're doing the monkeys today, I think.

I don't know.

That's great.

Natalie's got our itinerary planned. I'm just following.

Yeah, we're gonna go to the market, the train market, where they like— the train runs through and like everybody has to pack up their stuff and then put it back out. I don't know, we've seen— David's seen TikToks about it and has not shut up about this market for like months.

I've been— when we went to go on the Seven Wonders Trip, the one place I wanted to go to was the train market where It's like the train basically almost, almost runs over all the food, but like it's just high enough off the tracks where the food that don't move kind of slides right under the train.

What?

It's like the train runs through an alleyway. You've definitely seen it. I think the more common one is in Vietnam, but I think there's one here. I'm hoping that it's just as tight as it is in Vietnam.

Why are they selling on train tracks? Is there no space?

They're selling along the train tracks.

Oh yeah, when the train comes, they just move. It makes sense.

It's like in an alleyway that they happen to be selling stuff. It just happens to run through that. So when it does run through, they have to pack up the stuff, push it to the side as much as they can.

Does it come through fast?

No, really slow.

No, it comes through slow, but it's still a fucking train. I saw a video, um, today, and I don't know what— oh, I got a funny DM too, I gotta read that. Um, but I saw a video today Do— first of all, do people— do Amish people have people to defend them on the internet? Like, do you know what I mean? Like, like, I was talking to Jay about— I was like, like, like, everybody— there's— everybody has a voice on the internet.

Is there an Amish Reddit thread is your question?

Is there an Amish community?

Like, if you're a content creator?

No, like, if you make fun of the Amish, like, will somebody, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, you make fun of Slovak people, well, there's gonna be Slovaks in the comments.

There's ex— they're ex-Amish, obviously.

Okay, but won't they also be like, yeah, haha? Anyway, I saw this video and it was this guy, this guy going up to Amish people telling them that like, like, uh, he was like giving them extra money. He's like, here, you'll need this just for when the zombies come. And he's, he's convincing the Amish people that there's a zombie apocalypse. And they're like, what? And he's like, just take the extra money if once the zombies reach the area. And he's like buying extra fruit from the Amish people because he's like, he's bunkering up for this And I think that's really funny, but all the comments were like, I can't believe this is legal. Because it is kind of serious. There's nobody there. Yeah. The Amish, I don't know. The Amish people are so interesting to me. If we ever make videos, we have to go make something. Mm-hmm.

Okay.

With an Amish person. That's like one of my goals.

Okay.

Here. So this is a DM I got this morning actually. Hi David. Big fan here since day one. You always have hilarious stories on the podcast and I wanna reach out with a story. To see if it would make the podcast. When I was in high school, my best friend— my friend made me go to her boyfriend's house when I was her ride. At the time, he was home alone, but his older brother had friends over for a party. My friend and her boyfriend, we were all friends but didn't know those people because he was older. So we hung out in his room while there was a party going on, and my friend's boyfriend had this huge PC computer with headset. These headsets were totally noise-canceling, and I couldn't hear anything. When playing a video. So I went on to YouTube and of course looked up the vlogs. Turns out the whole time they were planning this so they could do the nasty in the bed without kicking me out. Gross, right? But they knew how much I loved the videos and knew I wouldn't look up from the computer for a while. So I was in the middle of one of the videos and I see my peripheral vision, the boyfriend coming back with a towel. Super innocent then too. I was like, what the fuck, did they spill? So I— so then, but when I went back into the room, my friend was butt-ass naked under the covers, and that's when I knew they did it in the room with me.

Wow.

We never talked again after that. Well, I was totally disgusted and mad, but just wanted to share as I think the story is funny with how the videos were able to distract me from everything going on. If you share, please do it anonymously. Thank you, Catherine Hogel.

And now I can only reach climax hearing David's laugh.

That's really fun. Okay. So when I first read that story, for some reason I thought her best friend was fucking her boyfriend while she was listening to the pod, while she was watching the videos. And I was like, that's insane. That's still funny though. Okay, that's nice that they put headphones on you, but in the same room is really fucking weird.

Oh yeah, because obviously you guys know you've had the same experience.

Well, no, someone put the vlogs—

no, not the vlogs. I mean, I've, I think— well, okay, so you know Love Island goes on right now? That's like the big show that's on TV.

Sure.

I'm so bummed that I'm not like caught up to it because everyone talks about it.

Oh yeah, because it's all over TikTok.

Wait, what do you mean actually?

You would watch it?

Yeah, I watched the one with Seb and Kayla.

Seb and Kayla?

Yeah. Kayla Richard and Seb.

Is that— she was on Love Island?

Yeah.

Oh, really?

Yeah. What are you talking about?

I thought she was on a different— I thought she was on a different—

I think— fuck, I hope I get these so confused.

I don't think she's on Love Island.

Really?

Yeah.

I was in London and there goes your story. No, no, no. Oh, shit. I'm going to come back to you. I was in— I was—

rest in peace, Natalie's story.

Put it right next to Jason's story. Um, no, I was— sorry, sorry, I just don't want to bring it up.

Please take the floor.

I was just— I was in London, I was hanging out with my friend who has a new boyfriend, and, um, he was great. I love her. And we were hanging out all day and I was like, where the fuck do I know this guy from? And then they kept telling me, they're like, we're hanging— we're meeting up with Seb, we're meeting up with Seb. And I was like, I don't really— I only know one Seb and it's definitely not this guy. And then we're sitting at— we're sitting at coffee We're sitting at like, at like a little— what do you call it? Cafe?

Cafe, sorry.

Yeah, we're sitting at it. We're sitting at a cafe at like 9 PM. We're about to go out and someone puts me in a chokehold from the back. And the second the hands like touch my neck, I'm like, oh my God, it's that Seb. And I turn around, he doesn't even say anything. I'm like, oh my God, it's the Seb from Love Island, the one I know.

Oh wow.

And then I turn back to, to my friend who's dating this guy and I'm like, hold on, and everything starts connecting. And this guy is also from Love Island. And it also— I'm like, I watched this entire season like front to back and I never do it. I was hanging out with this guy all day and I had no idea where I knew him from, and it was from the fucking show, which is kind of crazy.

You already knew Seb?

I knew Seb. He's so funny. Um, and then, yeah, and then, yeah, anyway, so—

well, the whole thing is like, people, people are starting to like think more about like the behind the scenes.

Go, Dave, tell us behind the scenes. I have a good story about All right, go, go, go.

Um, but yeah, but all these, like, they're all, they all sleep in the same room, so they couple up, right? So the couples are sleeping in the bed and there's 8 beds all in one room or whatever. And obviously everybody's all like horned up, you're on an island, blah blah blah. They're obviously sleeping.

Oh, hold on, we're on an island.

We're not on an island.

I know, I was just trying to see. We were yesterday in Taiwan.

Is that okay?

Hold on, I'm horny.

Is that why you're feeling some type of way? That's probably why I texted you about the bus at the airport because we were on an island. Okay, sorry I cut you off.

Anyways, but now people are just like talking about like on TikTok, like, oh, because, because they'll hint at it. Like, the Islanders is what they call them, the people on the show. The contestants are hinting at it and alluding to it on the show, and the producers cut it in a way so you kind of know what they're talking about, but you also kind of don't, right? And so now people are on TikTok are like, oh my God, this is what they're talking about. Like, she was fucking this guy and the other couple was fucking the other bed, and they're all fucking at the same time, you know, whatever. Which is really interesting.

Like, all the beds are right next to each other in one room.

They are. They're literally 5 feet apart.

It's 10 beds in one room, like twin beds.

Everybody's in one room.

Everybody's in one room.

Everybody's wondering, so they have sex while they're all just in front of each other?

Yeah, I think they have to do the covers, and then, and then sometimes under the covers they'll decide that they don't want to be partnered with that person.

Yeah.

And the week after they'll be having sex with someone else.

Yeah. And then they switch beds, they switch couples, and you—

yeah. And when you're coupled up, you have to sleep with a person, which is fucking nuts to me, by the way. Crazy.

Like, day one you get coupled up, you have to go into bed and sleep with that person.

You know how fucking insane that is, Jay? And then the fucking TV show wakes you up probably at like 7 AM, and then you're like straight work. Wow. I can't imagine that. It takes a very specific person to be okay, to be able to be on that show.

Oh yeah.

And it is so Harry Jowsey and Seth-coded. It's fucking crazy. I mean, it's like, I, I could meet, I can meet it. Like, it's very specific, the types of people that are on that show.

What would you do if you're coupled up with a stranger right away and you had to sleep in the bed with them?

I could never.

You could never do it?

I mean, it's, it's literally not possible. I can't sleep next to a person like like, honestly, 6, 7 dates.

Am I missing out? Should I watch it? I tried to watch it once.

It's very—

so, like, it's very very orchestrated.

No, no, no.

Yeah, it did. It felt, it felt really, like, amped up.

Like, it was like, ah, no, no, Jade. And they're also, they're also horny.

Yeah.

And it's like, they— first of all, they take away your phone, so, like, you don't have any contact to the outside world. Like, you don't know what's going on. Like, I was talking to my friend who was on the show And he, when he was on the show, they take your phone away. And then he, he's from the UK. And when he came out of the show, they're like, by the way, we have a king now. He had no idea.

And your grandmother's dead.

He had no idea. He had no idea the queen died. Queen died 3 weeks before. And he just, you just don't know anything. The only time I think they contact you is if there's a death in your own family. Yeah. That's the only time they reach out or something. Um, and I asked them, cause Love Island's not the one— I still get the shows confused even though we're talking about them, but it's not the one where you're not allowed to have sex, right?

No, that's, um, Too Hot to Handle, right?

Okay, yeah. So I was asking on Love Island, I was asking my Love Island friends, I was like, are you guys like— do you guys have sex ever on the show? And he goes, every single night I had sex. Yeah, every single night.

Which is— they're all like— it's just there's— they're all having sex and they're sleeping 5 feet away from each other. Like, I think that's so crazy.

Wow. Yeah, it's kind of insane.

But at the same time, like you're all in it, you're all doing it, so like, fuck it, you know? It's just like one big thing. But it's also just like producers, everybody's— what, like, there was one clip like a couple episodes ago, and it goes live. It's live every single day.

Every day?

Yeah, I heard that one. That's why it's so good. Day 2, what's up with that?

That's—

it's live.

It's amazing.

It's happening right now. That's why it's so— they edit it so quickly and it's a quick turnaround.

And it's live or it's edited?

It's edited. It's 24 hours later, but then edited 24 hours every, every day.

And can you watch a live stream too? No, no, no, no, no. And did they show the sex? So I mean, like, over the covers?

So they, they do— they've put like post-credit, like some clips where like you can clearly tell somebody is like thrusting under the covers, which is really funny. Yeah, but it's like you are on full— like you're fully exposed.

Well, this is Charlie's favorite show, so I have to have a talk with her, I guess.

This is your daughter's favorite show?

She loves Love Island. That's why she freaked out when she saw, um— it is like the ultimate Harry Was Harry on Love Island? He was on Two Outta Hand.

But similar, you know, same, same kind of thing, right?

Damn, that's crazy.

It's the ultimate social experiment. Like, it is actually so crazy, like, that it's just like allowed to happen.

I kind of want to be on one really bad.

So you can listen to people have sex next to you?

Yeah.

Yeah, what about that sounded appealing?

I just want to lay in that room. I don't even want to be on the show.

No, no, you'd be a good host for something like that.

Like, I'd love that. Yeah, you would be good for that because I love like learning about things like that. So did you guys have sex? And when You know you're gonna have sex. Yeah, I mean, it'd be the same question over and over again. Um, yeah, yeah, no, I would love to do that. Well, let me know, Love Island, if I can host one of the shows, or maybe even one of the villas, or whatever you guys do.

Maybe the spin-off.

Yeah. Uh, last show, Nat, everyone was mad about PTO.

Oh yeah, okay. So David was telling me that a lot of people defended you too.

Oh yeah, a lot of people said, yeah, it is a thing.

Well, it is a thing.

I got a bunch of— I got a bunch of DMs. So Natalie said that that there's a bunch of companies that offer unlimited PTO, and then I got a bunch of DMs saying, hey, Middle America here, no such fucking thing, and they were pissed. And then the next day the tide completely changed. Yeah, and everyone was like, there actually isn't— I have unlimited PTO. I was like, what the fuck?

It's definitely— it's a— it's like a new thing. I feel like that's happened over the past—

regardless, don't bring this shit up because I fucking fought it out. I'm not giving you unlimited PTO.

Shut up. I was not campaigning for unlimited PTO.

I was— you don't campaign for it, sweetheart. You already have it in your own little head. No, well, in your own twisted world, you have unlimited PTO, you go wherever you want, and you enjoy your vacation time.

And Natalie is lying. There's no such thing as widespread unlimited PTO, also even in the companies it exists in. But then there's other ones that are like, no, I have—

there is a thing though. So both my parents' companies have unlimited PTO, but do my parents actually take unlimited PTO? No, they take like maybe 4 weeks max throughout the year. So it's like, you know, it's like there's like a caveat, like obviously you can't actually go unlimited because they'll fucking fire you.

You. And then many people saying yes to the loan, David. Many people.

That's crazy. I actually don't remember even seeing a single DM about that. Are you making that up?

There are a lot of comments on the Spotify.

I could have sworn you didn't even put it in the podcast. Jason asked me for a $6,000 loan last podcast.

Um, maybe because it was in the end.

Yeah, he asked me for $6,000 loan for what? Oh, for a movie?

Pilot.

For a pilot.

Yeah.

All right, I'll give it to you.

Really?

Yeah. Wow.

That's it.

Wow.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean, yeah.

Okay, I'll pay you back. Or if it's a success, I'll pay you back. I'll pay you back.

I know.

I'll pay you back. And if it's a success, I'll bring you in.

Oh, sick.

How's that?

Okay, deal.

Because I felt bad about the last episode because you were like, well, can I have something in return in success? And I was like, no.

This is me paying you back for the movie last night and the, and the, the Jurassic World popcorn bucket. It's huge. They cost me 6 grand. Um, yeah, that's really funny.

That's really nice, David.

Yeah, of course.

Are you sure?

What'd you say? Did you say this is our money?

No, no, no, no, no. This is funny because I am always a part of these conversations where people are constantly, you know, asking David for money. I need this, I need that. And I forget like how easy, like I should just come up to him and be like, hey, I really want that.

I actually feel bad.

It is actually crazy. No, don't feel bad.

It's for like, it's for a project that makes sense. Like he is is, you know, this is, this is what he's got, all this money he's gonna share with us.

I don't know what to do with it, Jay.

I don't know. I don't know how much money you have.

Neither does he.

Let's take a guess.

I actually have no idea and I don't want to know.

In the comments, everybody take a guess how much money David has.

Everyone's gonna guess so much higher.

Yeah, people are gonna—

for some reason, for some reason I always say this, I lean way wealthier on like, like I think I— this is gonna sound like I'm hyping myself up, but I think I make smart purchases where it looks like I have a lot of money, but it's not the case, right?

With the car, looks like you have a lot of money.

The house looks like you have a lot of houses. But also this, this room also— yes, I have a lot of money. Like, yes, I don't— yeah, like, I don't want to be like I don't have it.

And someone thinks you spend $6,000 on Snapchat toys every day.

No, no, no, definitely not. Snapchat thinks probably like—

that's what they said—

probably like $100 a day, if that.

That.

Yeah, I don't know.

No, no, not even that. No, I don't. I, I try.

Give Jason the money but do a cameo in the first episode. David, I checked out Any Good Things podcast and was rough without you.

That's really fun. I, I do get, um, I do get like— I don't see my money. I'm not connected to my bank account in a way.

You should.

But for some reason I get like update— I get updates on my phone. People are spending credit cards, the credit card like updates coming, and it's fucking insane. Like, the shit on here, it's a lot of money, Jay.

The stuff you're spending or stuff that's coming in?

Like, all the employees are attached to this one Amex account, so every time we use a card, he gets a notification saying, oh, you bought $200 on Amazon, or, you know, whatever it is.

It's also like, it's also like, I make— like, I don't make a lot. Like, I have a lot of employees, right?

Wait, do you have crazy points on that?

Oh, probably, yeah.

Probably. You should look into it, right?

David has this whole philosophy about credit card points. Stupid. Why? He doesn't want to spend a single— he's never spent a single— never used a single point. And he has this theory that one day in the future, if he ever becomes broke in any capacity, the points will carry him on and he can use that as his income to pay for things.

Oh, I don't know about that.

You should definitely use your points. And you know what? And then because he was he's always been wealthier than me. I always like took on his financial philosophies. Yeah. Now I've learned to obviously not do that because they're terrible.

Yeah.

And I never touched this. Now this year I just started using my own credit card points and I was like, oh my God, this is amazing. Like, you should get free stuff.

Yeah. Naveen's taught me to like really like tighten my belt.

Yeah.

And it's been good. It's like I'm in reality. So yesterday when Ilya was trying to buy that fucking Jurassic Park statue, which is— I was like, I had— I've been like retrained. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm like, no.

No, well, you should—

no, you should be like that. Yeah, I have to with your kids, just not with us because we're your boys, you know. You spend money on us, like, whatever. But sorry, what I was saying is, I like all the— like, so much of the money goes back to employees, like, including Doughbrix. There's like— sure, what, 25?

Are you talking about Taylor's salary or what Taylor's spending? Both.

All of it.

Yeah.

I mean, just the business in general.

Yeah.

I'm not covering Taylor's like diamond rings that she's buying.

In comparison to how much money you make, your employee— like the amount of money you're spending on employees is pretty minuscule, I would say. I feel like you could actually benefit from more employees.

She wants a raise. Oh no, she wants— she wants to hire more people. She wants— she was— sorry, that's her thing. She wants to hire more people. Natalie loves hiring more people. Every time there's like— every time I'm like, I'm like, we haven't hired anybody in How many do we have that like work at the house? We only have 3.

2, bro.

Yeah, I'm including you. I forgot you don't like to be an employee. 2 employees, 1 president. Natalie.

Yeah, um, 1 queen.

1 queen. Um, but every time, every time there's like 1 thing that like deviates from like Taylor or like Brooke's regular thing that they have to be doing— yeah, like I'll find something on the carpet, I'll be like, can we get this like carpet fixed? And, and, and then Nelly he's like, this is why we need a carpet person.

It's not that extreme.

Carpet's a very intense example, but every time something happens that like maybe Taylor or Brooke can take care of, or even Natalie, no, no, she'll be like, this is why we need a fourth employee. I'm like, dude, fucking chill.

This is why we need a remote control person. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, first of all, don't agree with him. That is not the case. I'm just saying he doesn't realize how many things that he like barks out each day. Like, we already have like a list of to-dos everybody has to do.

Yeah.

And then he adds to it Every single day he adds several things, and it's like, it's an— it's never ending. Like, if there was just one person that was actually dedicated—

if you could have something right now, yeah, if you could have one person, what type of person would you hire?

I would hire like a project manager.

They say prostitute.

A prostitute to have sex with this guy so he fucking backs off. Takes me along.

Holy shit, Natalie, that's genius. Take as many vacations as you want.

A project manager, somebody that's like, you're going to Thailand here, you're going to— yeah, that is good.

Somebody to book the stuff. Like, I It sounds like really tedious and stupid, but like booking flights and hotels for 10 people takes—

like, guys, if you're a project manager out there, fucking put it in the comments.

We're helping— like, the project manager can book stuff, come up with activity ideas for him to make Snapchat content, you know, whatever.

Somebody would love that job.

Come up with ideas for the podcast.

Oh, I would love that.

I think I need an au pair. It's kind of funny how Natalie's describing this.

Get you a nanny.

Yeah, literally someone to come up with activities for him to not be bored throughout the day.

Oh, someone to get the pacifier, get his binky.

Anyway, the employee, the The job role is already— it's already out in the world. All right, I'm already looking and sourcing fans whether he likes it or not.

Project managers assemble!

Let us know if you're looking.

David, really, really, really thank you. That's insane.

For what?

Oh, that's insane. Yeah, how many people you just made happy?

I can't forget.

You should commit to that.

Me and Naveen.

All right, send the money and don't tell me I'm sending the money. Just fucking get it.

Okay, and I'll never bring it up again.

Okay, unless it's successful.

Unless it's successful. Yeah, I'm not even gonna show— I wouldn't even invite you to a premiere. What? What? Actually, I'll have it at your house. No, I'll screen it. If it's good, I'll show it to you.

And when you have the, like, in success, yeah, surprise me with like a check, like if it does well.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Like you just made 3 grand and then give me a $9,000 check in 40 years.

Here you go, Dave.

Um, okay, all right, well, that's all the time we have for today's Thank you guys for listening. Um, next podcast we're going to give you even a bigger update on Bangkok. Yeah, next podcast will be from Bangkok still, and maybe the podcast after, we're gonna see if we can get Zane on, Ilya on, so we'll have more Bangkok stories and more travel stories to tell. We'll see you guys soon. Thank you, Jason. Go listen to this podcast, All Things Good. Natalie, thank you for joining us. Good luck with your pubes. See you later. Bye. What is this?