The Sex Talk

What's up guys, welcome back to VIEWS, the podcast where Jason and I talk about things we don't know anything about while Jason dissects a frog and then eats the insides.

As you can see, class, the digestive tract wraps around and round and round, and it's actually as long as my pinky finger.

If you guys haven't figured it out yet, that's Jason's improv. Jason likes to start off every show with a little bit of improv.

And scene.

There we go.

But what— there's no actual class here, guys. I was just— that was the theater of the mind.

Thank you for clearing it up with everyone. They were very confused.

Yeah.

But what I like to start off the show with is things I really like.

I know, you're a passionate guy.

I like making money. That's a very bad transition. Audible is our first— is our first ad here on the show today.

Yeah.

Audible is offering our listeners a free audiobook with a 30-day trial membership. Just go to audible.com/vinyl. Views and browse the unlimited selection of audio programs. Download a title free and start listening. It's that easy. Go to audible.com/views. That's audible.com/views and get started today.

Audible content includes an unmatched selection of audiobooks, original audio shows, news, comedy, and more from the leading audiobook publishers, broadcasters, entertainers, magazine and newspaper publishers, and business information providers. It's not just books, David. It's everything.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Well, I, I only thought we were reading something about books and I didn't care, but now that you brought up that it's about everything, it is. I'm very interested. Can you watch movies on this thing?

If you want to listen to them.

That's amazing. Yeah, incredible. Host can include specific things he/she enjoys about Audible service. Oh, I don't think I was supposed to read that out loud, but I do like books. I read one in the third grade. It was A Series of Unfortunate Events and it has stuck with me since.

Tell us what happened. What were the unfortunate events?

It was about a 21-year-old who meets a 44-year-old and they start a podcast together.

Sounds fascinating.

You're like, that sounds awful.

Sounds like a horrible setup for the 21-year-old.

It sounds like he's just being mooched off of and just used. No, but if you guys want to go check out Audible, go check it out. It's audible.com/views. It'll help us out if you go check it out.

Yeah, check out the book Brutal by Kevin Weeks. It's a wonderful book that I just read.

You read books? Oh yeah. Guys, a lot of you guys always wanna know the money side of things, and that's what I kinda love about the podcast is 'cause we can talk about how much we're making on certain things and how much we're getting paid on YouTube. How do we, how much are we making on this podcast so far?

How do we get the money from this? This was specific instructions actually to not talk about Recently, yes, recently. These ads, we actually got a little hand slap recently in my emails. Why don't you tell them how much you make on the YouTube channel?

Well, what do you mean?

Well, we can talk about that, but that I'm not allowed to talk about. Really? Who's telling you not to talk about that?

The gods of YouTube. Liza Koshy came down.

Liza told you not to say that?

No, but okay, recently I like talking about how much money we earn on this podcast, and about 3 weeks ago I got an email saying to not do that. And I don't know if that's because we're not making enough, or I don't know.

No, it's just we can't, we can't say that Audible spent some one thing and so-and-so didn't spend another. That's all.

Oh, they don't like us comparing people and the big spenders.

Yeah, what if, what if someone, what if you tell them that Audible paid us $80 million for this ad and then all of a sudden Best Buy's like, I paid $90 million?

Spoiler alert, Audible did not pay $80 million. I think in total I did get a little quote. We've made, can I say it?

You can, you can do whatever you want.

You're the one that's holding up the cue cards. You're like, do it, tell everyone. I think we've made around $70 grand, and that's before any split. This podcast has grossed that much, right? Or am I crazy?

I think we've made more than that.

You think we've made over $70 grand? And like, that's, That's— we have to pay out managers, we have to pay out agents, we have to pay out— I mean, it's not like $70 grand. It's still a lot of money though.

Yeah.

And people probably listening are like, that's dope money. That's not fucking fair.

No, it's not fair at all.

It's not, because Jason—

but I suffered for 24 years and I still have to put up with David.

That's true. I suffered for 24 years too.

Yeah.

No, it's— I never like saying it's deserving because it's not, but for Jason, it's 100%. I always— I've said this on the podcast multiple times, but like, it's— Jason is like an SNL member or like a big actor that never made it and never got his shot. And it's, it's such a cool thing to be able to shoot stuff and record stuff with Jason because I just feel like I'm— I, what I feel like is I feel like I went back in time and stopped Seth Rogen's career and was like, hey, don't go into that audition that's gonna make you huge, come work for me. That's what I feel like I did to Jason. Yeah, I prevented him from growing and expanding expanding on his own, and I kind of just snatched him from the universe.

Yeah, snatched me right before my 50th birthday. Hey, let's just do the show intro, huh? Let's hear it.

Oh shoot. Oh yeah, roll the show intro. That's our intro. That's by Bruce Wigner. Um, he, he's a friend of ours that really hates Jason.

Yeah, it's unfortunate. I don't know why he hates me so much. I don't know what I did.

He makes a dope intro, so we really appreciate it.

It's probably because I stole his pies.

I don't think that has anything to do with it.

I think so. I think it does.

He left them out on the windowsill.

Yeah, and those are my free pies. I didn't see any name on them, Bruce.

So before we started, you wanted to bring up, in the last podcast, Jason and I had a really, really big argument.

Yes.

About the death penalty, and it was so big that my parents called the next morning when the podcast came out, and they asked me if I'm okay. They were like, are you okay? Are you and Jason okay?

Oh yeah, I got those calls too from Jack, our manager.

Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, even my manager called me and was like, hey, Jason was being a big douche on the podcast.

I don't know if that's what he said.

He called me, he's like, Jason's in the wrong. No, but I saw a lot of tweets and basically the whole argument was, if you didn't listen to the last podcast, it was that I believed that if I had to spend my life in prison, I'd rather choose the death penalty over life in prison. Yeah, and a lot of people ended up siding with me on it. Yeah, and I took some time and I thought about it, and I did realize that Jason had kids, right? And that this could— this is a game changer. This is a game changer.

And also, like, I found on Twitter that most people sided with you. Yeah, I would say maybe 75%. Yeah, it was that high. But at the same time, I feel like people are all talk because There's a lot of people who are serving life sentences. Yeah, and they could just fucking— they could have themselves killed in prison. They could, they could easily.

But this is the point, our friend.

Go up and hit the biggest guy in the prison, but this is killed that night.

This is the point, this is the point that Josh Peck brought up, our friend, is that those people weren't raised in prison. Is a lot of those people that are serving life sentences were born into situations that was already much like prison.

Mm-hmm.

So I'm talking about me specifically. If me, a guy who's coming from a middle-class family to living, you know, the life I live now, if I were to be sent into prison, that'd be a big lifestyle change as opposed to the people that are being sent to prison normally. Do you know what I mean?

I don't think anyone values their life like that. I don't think anyone who comes from a lower economic situation goes, oh yeah, you know what, this isn't so bad. I mean, I'm sure it's fucking awful. And I just don't think that they'd want to die because their existence before wasn't so great. I don't get that at all.

Regardless, we can argue about this all day.

We could.

But the tweet shows David Dubik is right once again. He comes out victorious.

If you listen to everything you read on Twitter, then I'd be, you know, a pedophile. I don't know, it's so late, David. Why are we recording so late?

It's, uh, we just got back from Vegas the other day. We went for my 21st birthday.

It was awesome.

We did all the Vegas things. We went gambling. I spent a lot of money. Jason was trying to control me and tell me not to spend a lot of money.

I was trying to keep the money in your pocket, David. Yes, I care about you.

It got so bad that I, my credit card was declined at the ATM, and I was asking Jason Yeah, I was asking me for money. I was asking Jason if I could borrow money. I literally felt like I had a twitch developing.

And a few hours earlier you were saying—

I have you on video, if you check my vlog, you're like, uh, I would never gamble.

You would never gamble. You don't get a rush from it. It's not something—

I gave it a shot and it was very stupid and I enjoyed it and I shouldn't have enjoyed it. But thankfully I live far away from Vegas and that won't happen for at least another 3 days.

Then we met some prostitutes.

We met some prostitutes. Jason lost his virginity.

No, we didn't take any prostitutes home.

We didn't, you did.

I did not.

Don't pretend. Don't pretend.

I didn't take any prostitutes home, but they were $300 apiece. They gave us their price. $300 apiece.

Jason tried to negotiate down, it wouldn't work. They were $300 apiece, which is a lot for, actually, is it a lot for a prostitute?

That's a steal. 3 girls for $900, that's a steal, isn't it?

Didn't they say something like, how would you feel with They asked if you guys had a jacuzzi and you guys were like, yeah. And they're like, how would you guys feel with 3 naked girls in your jacuzzi? Didn't they say something like that?

They said that to Matt.

That's such a weird, bizarre thing to me. I totally support prostitution if like the person's not getting hurt. You know what I mean?

Sure.

Like if it's you doing it at your own will and you're selling your body, I don't think anybody should have any say in that.

Yeah, a lot of people are damaged though too. So the idea that they don't— They don't know better? Yeah.

I guess it's kind of like drug abuse. Like other people have to monitor because you can just fall into a pit.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

Yeah.

What?

What? How are you, David? Are you doing okay?

No, yeah, I'm good.

Good. You look good.

Thanks.

You look healthy.

What's wrong? Did you just relapse on ecstasy?

I'm trying to recreate these conversations we've already had.

We've had these conversations multiple times. We're enjoying ourselves and we're doing it again.

Your hair looks good. Your skin looks good. You're rested. I drove back from Vegas Vegas.

Jason was the one that drove us back from Vegas.

I really wanted to shoot a sketch while you were all asleep.

Jason, my favorite part about Jason when he's driving, we were driving to Vegas, it was like 11 in the morning, maybe noon, and we were all kind of just, we were all tired because it's a 4-hour car drive.

Yeah.

And Jason's a really verbal driver, so every time he'd pass a car, every time he'd pass a car, he'd be like, yes, got him. Like as if he's like pulling pranks on these cars.

You were asleep and you weren't talking to me.

I don't know what that means.

You ate into all the fun. Part of the fun of going somewhere is planning and getting there, and you refuse to take fun in any of that because all the way up to Vegas you're like, I don't know where we're going, I don't know where they're like— the fun is planning it. And you—

and then our car— and then our car would cut him off and be like, oh, come on, man. Like, the most polite, like, Canadian way of, like, being pissed off.

But you should have been there with me.

I was. I just— I literally couldn't talk.

Sleep the entire—

you wake up, guys. Jason— Jason's obviously an older man, so he wakes up at like 6 AM and he goes to the gym gym.

Yeah, he—

I don't know what he does. Walks around without his underwear on in an empty gym, goes to Starbucks, a conversation with someone there, and they, they rebuke me. Reads the morning paper. Can't afford a new one. Twice. Twice. Yeah, so he reads it twice.

Waits for Scott and Todd to get up, my roommates.

Jason's up 5— it blows my mind that you're up 5 hours before I even make my first move.

Yeah, you get up around 10. I get up around 7.

I get up at 10. You get a lot of life over me, and you have kids. Your kids just came back from Italy.

They just got back.

You were telling me the other day about a conversation your son had with your father.

Oh yeah, we had— it's interesting to watch your kids interact with your parents. You'll know that someday. But I had my son— I had— I was with my son and my dad, and I was like, oh Dad, tell that story. My dad has this like famous story when he was in the Boy Scouts that His partner left all the— left all their clothes out, so it rained and their clothes got wet. So to get him back, my— when the— when the guy went to the latrine, there's like a sheet and there's like a giant ditch where all the poop goes.

Yeah, it's just a hole. It's just a hole in the ground.

Yeah, and so my dad pushed him into the— into the ditch where all the poop was.

Your dad was a different kind of Nash.

My dad's a firecracker. Holy shit, he was nothing like me.

He was on the other side.

He's on the other side. That's so macho.

Did your dad used to push you around as a kid?

Oh my God, were you terrible?

Were you his bitch?

Oh my God, my father was so— he was so not fun to be around. He's fun now, he's great.

What was the worst experience with your dad?

Uh, one time I like found some Playboy magazines. I was like looking at his magazines. Yeah, and like he caught me. And it was fucking awful.

Your dad had Playboy magazines?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Did your mom know?

I'm sure she knew. He had them like kind of out. They were like in a closet, like at the top shelf of a closet.

I have a really embarrassing story. What? Of like, this is probably the most embarrassing story I've ever— I can't even believe that I'm about to tell you on the podcast.

Okay.

I haven't confronted my parents about this. Okay. Since it happened, which is— this happened maybe when I was I think it was like 4th grade. Yeah, so maybe 10 or 9. This is when like boys start to like experiment, right?

And like, you shouldn't be embarrassed because anything you do when you're 10 or 9 is like—

no, I'm not embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed. That's why I'm saying it. Um, it's off though, but I— this is actually my first vlogging experience.

Okay. Um, you vlogged your penis?

You already know where it's going. No, my friend and I were having like a— we're having like a runway fashion show.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

You remember this? Did I tell you this?

I think I heard something about this, but tell me again.

And he was just like modeling. He was posing, and then he started lifting up his shirt, and I was like, work it, baby, work it, work it, work it. And then he took his penis out. Like, this is like a 10-year-old boy takes his penis out and is like holding it in different ways. And he's— and I'm like, and I'm like behind the camera, I'm like, yeah, work it, work it, work it, come on, show me more. And it's like, like, you know, like, this is like— it's, it's, it's what it is. I'm 10 years old or whatever, how old I am. But like, you know, you can't really argue with it. But anyway, so that goes on. That goes on for like 3 minutes. And then the next day I'm eating in the kitchen or whatever, and my parents call me into my bedroom and they're sitting in front of my TV going through old cassette tapes and clearing footage so they can start recording new stuff because we're going on a trip or something. I don't know. And they call me in because they came across the footage.

You just left it on there. You didn't delete it or anything?

I didn't think it was a big deal at all.

Oh, right, right.

And it's just playing on my TV, and it's "Work It Baby Work It," and my dad goes, "What is this?" And I go— I literally just— I think I shat myself. I don't know what happened, but I think I shit myself. And my mom's like— my mom does that like motherly thing you'd see in movies, like, like defending her like broken son, like, "Honey, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it, honey." Yeah, that's all I remember. Yeah. And then That was like, if my parents are listening to this, they're going to be like, oh my God, I can't believe you.

Why do you tell this story, David? It's not flattering. You look like a little pervert.

Yeah, that's going to be my mom listening to the story. No, but that's, I'm pretty sure that was the accurate, like what happened in that situation. And when I was, when I was young with the same kid, I had a sleepover and the bathroom was right next door to my room. Like, I mean, right next door, but you have to go into the hallway.

Right.

And, um, we ended up having sex in the bathroom. No, but we— so the bathroom was right next door to my bathroom. We were having a sleepover and I told him, I'm like— and he told me he needed to use the bathroom and we were both scared to get up. And I'm like, and I'm like, dude, I can't get up. Like, I'm terrified because there were cockroaches all over our floor because we lived in the suburbs, right? And at night cockroaches would come out and you go into the bathroom And I shit you not, there'd be like 8 or 9 just on the floor and they disappear by the morning because they're only there during the nighttime.

Wow.

It's terrifying. And he— we were sleeping in the same bed and I wouldn't go up with him and he just pissed himself in the same bed as me. Oh, and he was just like, I had to do it. Like, he, he didn't even go to bed and then he peed himself. He just pissed himself.

This is a weird kid.

No, he was my friend. Yeah, he's a good kid. I messaged him recently. I didn't bring up any of the stuff we used to do.

Did you message him about the runway video?

Hey dude, how's your dick? No, I haven't talked to him since about that.

But, um, and what did your parents say about the runway video?

Nothing, because it was so awkward. It was just like, it was just like, what is this? And then I think my mom spoke up and my dad was just like, okay, yeah, forget it. You know what I mean? Like, it was like, imagine if you— what would you do if you caught your son doing something like that?

I'd just sit him down and be like, um, this is amazing.

Do you have a YouTube channel? You'd somehow try to monetize it. Yeah, you'd be like, okay, listen, this is gonna be tough, but I think if we blur out the penis, we can make some money off AdSense on YouTube.

I have to talk to my son about sex. Wow.

Yeah, how old's your son?

He's 11. I'm like, I know he knows, but like, I've never mentioned it.

Can I be there? Can I give him the talk tomorrow on camera?

It's a great idea. Let me think about it. How is—

how are you gonna talk to your kid about sex?

I don't know. I gotta tell him. I've been putting it off. Like, I know he knows. I know they saw— they like, they see a film. They see a maturation film.

They've already seen the film?

Yeah.

He didn't bring it up?

Not with me.

He brought it up with your— with your wife?

No, I don't know if he's brought it up with anybody, but I know they saw the film.

Okay, pretend I'm your son. Maybe let's walk through it. I'm your 11-year-old son.

Hey, uh, you know, like—

Call me into the room first. I'm not in the room.

Hey! I don't call him into the room ever.

Okay.

Usually just together.

Hey, Dad, you wanna play soccer?

Hey, your dick gets hard, you know, right? Wait, what? I started off wrong. Sorry, I came in hot.

You don't want to play soccer?

Well, in a minute. I'll probably just tell him. I'll say, hey, you know, look, your dick No, be serious. I'm being serious.

Okay, okay, like, you know, here we go. Here, let's start. Let's start from the top.

Hey, do you know about sex?

I mean, yeah.

Okay, cool. Well, you know, your mother wanted me to talk to you about this, and I know you saw the film at school, so do you have any questions about sex? Um, like, you know, why does—

why does— why does David catch you masturbating so much?

None of your business. Let's not bring that up right now, it's not important. That was a video.

Um, yeah, when am I allowed to have sex?

Uh, well, when you get to be older and you know you have someone that you love. I mean, when you want to get off.

Um, it's so tricky because you have a son and daughter.

Yeah, but I don't have to talk to her.

But you're gonna go about it different ways. Well, I'm not gonna talk to her about it because to your son you're gonna be like, you go out and you get whatever you need.

But no, I would never say that to him.

You'd be like, go out there and slay.

No, I would never say that.

But I don't mean it that way. I mean it like if he comes home and he's like, hey dad, I just had sex, and he's like, let's say he's 16, right? 16 or 17. You'd be like, that's my boy. But if your daughter comes home and does that, I'm assuming you'd want to kill somebody.

Yeah, like instinctually, yeah, part of me would want to do that, but then The other part—

dude, that's brutal.

I don't— I try to— I try to think of women and boys as equal as much as I can.

Cool.

I mean, you know, I do. I really do. If she wanted to have a lot of sex, that'd be fine. So she didn't get pregnant.

I guess that is really inspiring way to look at it.

Yeah, right? That's not fair. You can't just be like, hey guys, you can stick it in. One thing that is funny though is this is a really gross convo. Well, I don't know, you wanted to talk about it.

I just brought up my 10-year-old pervert story. That's all.

I do think it's kind of weird if like, if you know, like a guy tries to get with a young girl. I think that that's not good. But if my son— like if a teacher hit on my daughter, I'd be upset. Like a male teacher. Yeah, but if a female teacher hit on my son, I'd be like, yeah, whatever. Oh yeah, that wouldn't bother me as much.

That's a double standard.

That's a big double standard.

That's gonna live for quite a while.

Yeah.

Um, what did you— did you have your dad give you the sex talk?

No, he never did.

Really? Because he probably just thought he'd never get laid, and he was right. Thankfully, you adopted those two sweet kids, Wyatt and Charlie.

You say adopted?

Yeah.

Um, did your parents give you the sex talk?

So I had a Vine that was— I went into the grocery store, right? And I, I had a box of condoms, and I went up to a random guy, and I'm like, hey, do you think these work on smaller animals? And he's like, he's like, yeah, I mean, I think so. And like, like, as a joke, it was like a funny Vine. It was like my first funny Vine that like hit and got like 30, 40,000 likes. And like 2 months after that, my dad came into the, uh, into my room, super awkward. He was like, I don't know, I don't know, I think he was just trying— he was just bored. And he was like, he was like, uh, you know, they don't only work on smaller animals. Like, randomly bringing up my Vine. And I'm like, I literally I'm like, are you kidding me? And then he's like, just know when to do it. And then he just left.

Just know when to do it?

Like, I mean, we both understood what it was.

Right.

You don't need the sex conversation anymore because kids these days know everything they need to know by the age of 7 or whenever you hand them a cell phone because it's just the internet and you find out things so quickly.

Right.

But yeah, I'm assuming a long time ago you would have to get the sex talk.

I guess so. I mean, I— yeah, I'll probably do it. You want to do it on the vlog tomorrow?

I would love to give your son the sex talk. And your kids don't listen to this podcast, do they?

No.

Okay, well, they don't— they still believe in Santa Claus.

Well, yeah, one of them does.

Really? And the others won't tell the other that it's fake?

No, no, he's so sweet to her. He would never blow that for her.

Can I blow it for her?

No, Marnie will kill you.

But at one point she's gonna need to know.

So you want to be that person?

Well, I don't want to like— I don't want to ruin it for her when she's not supposed to, but like, what— at what age do you—

what age? I find it weird that they still think the Tooth Fairy exists.

That is strange.

It's odd.

What happened? Didn't one time you forgot to pay her?

Yeah, one time I forgot to put the money there, and she was like, Susan didn't come. I'm like, who the fuck's Susan? She's like, the Tooth Fairy. This is something my ex-wife has obviously set up, that the Tooth Fairy's name is Susan. It's like, Jesus Christ, how deep into this fucking lie are we gonna go?

And what did you do?

And then I like, I went into the bedroom and I was like, I was like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, here it is! No, the money's here, it fell down, it's, uh, it's under the bed, I found it.

It's a check written out by you.

Yeah, yeah, um, yeah, my production company.

I never believed in the tooth fairy, so I never had that problem. But you just came back from a date.

I just went on a date.

How did the date go?

This is the same girl that I saw a couple weeks ago that I totally embarrassed myself with. It was too nervous.

And she called you back for a second?

She wanted to go out again, and I said okay. And, and then— and I think she just wants free meals because she doesn't seem to be interested.

What happens after the date? You, you have the dinner, and then what happens?

Well, I always have to come here. Both nights I've had to come here, so there's no—

like, to record the podcast. There's no prospect of like, hey, you think she's doing it because she wants us to talk about her on the podcast?

I don't think so. I don't think she watches anything I do or sees anything.

Yeah, but it's strange that she does it right on our podcast nights. Someone has a little crush on views. That is. And then, and then you say goodbye to her and you don't say, hey, let's meet up after I shoot with David?

Well, cuz I know we're gonna be here till like after midnight. She has to work, so I just—

you guys just get dinner to enjoy each other's company, nothing sexual?

Nope.

That's incredible.

It's weird, isn't it?

Well, speaking of incredible—

tell me—

we actually have a second ad during the show.

What?

Yeah, right in the middle of this. I don't know if we're getting paid double or—

or so much— this one's a freebie—

or someone's— you know, we're doing this for free.

That's why you can't say how much Audible paid, because now we're gonna read another brand person.

Yeah, well, now we're reading NatureBox.

Yes. Oh, NatureBox is good.

NatureBox. Let me just get—

delish.

Let me just get you going.

Get me going. Don't we just start?

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Well, yeah, I mean, speaking of NatureBox, my favorite snacks definitely have to include the vanilla bean wafers and the dark cocoa nom-noms.

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That's naturebox.com/views for 3 free snacks with your first order.

naturebox.com/views.

We got that out of the way.

I'm glad it's out of the way, but NatureBox, why don't you guys send us stuff for free? So we can really feel the vibe. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, they just probably haven't gotten around to it. They will. That's fine. I would like this though.

I'm lying. I'm just saying that in front of you, but in my closet is like—

Did you get free stuff and not give it to me?

Yeah.

You did?

NatureBox hooked it up, dog.

You fucker.

Let's just say it wasn't NatureBox. It was more like nature refrigerator when it got here.

What do you have here?

Everything.

No, you don't.

You know the Nom Noms?

Yeah.

Yeah, I have 36 packs of them.

And you just choose not to share that with me? Not even 30% of NatureBox?

It said, it said don't give any to Jason.

Did not say that. I refuse to believe that. That would be unreasonable and something that people who were too busy would do. I don't believe the people at NatureBox would write something like that.

There's a good chance I wrote it on the box, but it definitely says it on the box.

You wrote it there?

It definitely says something along the lines of, um, of that today. Yesterday we went to— we went to go shoot something for BuzzFeed. We went to go record something for a video for them, and the entire time Jason was literally having flashbacks and he was having like PTSD. I thought it was a setup because he thought it was a prank the entire time, and we couldn't get through the shoot because he would get up, get up from where we were supposed to be sitting, and he'd be like, that's it, I know this is a plot. This is a plot. This is a joke, David. I know why we're here. You're here to fuck with me. I'm not fucking stupid. And that was what happened every 3 minutes, and the people that we were shooting with would look at me like, what did you do to this guy?

We went over to BuzzFeed to shoot our video for our friend Jack, and it was prefaced to me that they needed us to come because that way Jack could get a promotion.

You're not allowed to say that.

I'm not?

No, you literally just ruined it for Jack.

I didn't know that.

Jack's not gonna get the goddamn promotion anymore.

Why?

Well, Jack's trying to sneak us in.

Sneak us in where?

Well, he's not doing it just for the promotion, he's doing it for the love of the content.

What?

It doesn't matter, we fucked Jack anyway. He's not getting that promotion. It's over.

Why?

Jack, BuzzFeed people, if you're listening to this, please promote Jack. We're sorry that Jason just threw him under the bus.

How did I throw him under the bus?

Well, he was supposed to like low-key, like, it's hard to explain because you're older, so you know.

Fuck off.

I'm kidding. It's just, it doesn't matter anymore. You just weren't supposed to say it.

I'll cut it out.

You don't have to cut it out.

I'll cut it out.

No, because then it's meaningless.

What's meaningless?

This whole conversation. Just keep it in.

Okay, so we went to BuzzFeed.

You cut out you saying the n-word earlier though.

Yeah, yeah, that's gone.

Okay.

I took that all out.

You went to BuzzFeed.

Yeah, and so I just, I just thought it was strange that they wanted us to come for some video, and David never goes and does videos in the middle of the day that aren't his.

It's just very time-consuming.

Ever. And so then I just got— and Jack's always involved in David's pranks, so I thought it was a setup for a prank.

Mm-hmm.

Which it wasn't, but then today it was a setup for a prank when you pranked me today. Today I pranked— So I wasn't too far off.

Today I pranked Jason by having him shot with an airsoft gun. Yeah, really hard to explain, but he fell for it and it was the best thing. This was a prank that we did on 4 of our other friends.

And who did you try it on?

We tried it on Heath, Todd, Zane. We tried on a lot of friends that day.

Same day?

No, before. And it worked on none of them. And after I would do it to everyone, they'd be like, dude, we're not fucking idiots, we're not falling for this stupid trick. And then there you go, the next morning, just perfectly, you fall for it. It was brilliant.

Damn it.

But in other news, Trump was in the news today. Yes, apparently still our president. And with it, what's with this new transgender stuff?

Well, I guess he sent a couple of tweets out that he's not gonna allow transgender people into the military anymore, which is so stupid. I don't understand how you can just tweet something and have it be law, but, but I guess Trump just gets together with his friends, he's drunk, no more motorcycles. Yeah, I think that's, that's what he does. But there's— I don't think he's actually gonna Like, people are getting all up in arms about the way he writes it.

He writes it—

people think it's law, but it's not law. I also can't just do that.

I just don't get it. Like, I don't get the motivation behind not letting anybody that's gay, lesbian, bi—

well, his reasoning was that it costs too much for, like, medical procedures. I think that's what he had written.

I don't really know what that means.

I swear to God, that's what it said. But regardless, like, too costly.

Regardless, I don't think that should be a problem at all. Like, I used to— back in, back in high school, I used to have arguments when, when gay marriage like first became like— not first became a thing, but like when it first became like a known thing to like my age group. And when it was around like 7th grade, I think 8th grade, where we first started talking about it. And like my friends would always be like, dude, that's so weird. Like, why would, why would we let two boys marry each other? And like I don't want to, you know, sound like I was some forward thinker, but like, I never understood that. I was like, that's the stupidest thing I've ever fucking heard. That's like, it's like, it's the exact thing. It's the exact same thing of you going, black people shouldn't be allowed at our school. Like, it's the exact same thing to me. Like, it's like, how do you, how do you, how are you letting history repeat itself? Like, how do you not realize that in a couple years you're gonna seem like a fucking nutjob? Like, I don't get how that doesn't click in people's heads.

Yeah, I don't know why they think marriage has to be between a man and a woman.

It's the fucking weirdest thing when someone wants to marry a car. It's the weirdest thing, but who cares? Yeah, like, who cares? There's more— there's more chicks to marry now. Like, I don't— I don't see what the problem is with a guy— with a guy marrying his car. I don't get it.

I don't think there were any chicks that were gonna go after a guy that wanted to marry a car anyways. Any guy that even flirted with a car It's not getting laid.

I mean, you should see Todd and the Escalades, man. Todd loves his Escalades.

Yeah, my roommate Todd. Yeah, he gets horny for Escalades. Yeah, I didn't know that.

If we allowed him to marry an Escalade, it'd look a lot sharper for you in the future. A lot more chicks would be coming in.

Get them off the market.

Yeah, yeah. No, but I never understood that, and I don't understand the transgender thing, and I don't know, I just don't get it.

What's the wildest thing you've ever done?

Like gay?

Yeah, or whatever.

Well, let me bring this up too.

What?

My roommate is like in the process of maybe coming out. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if I should even call it that because he's a fucking weird dude to me. Yeah, I don't know if he's serious about it or he's not, but he made out with another one of my friends yesterday on camera, and he made out with him once and he was like, oh, that's kind of gross, and then I made him make out with him again for the video. And he was kind of like, he was like, that was, that was kind of okay.

It's what's strange about it that you left out is he's the, your biggest womanizer friend.

Yeah, I mean, easily, but I've, I've had friends like that before that have turned gay because I honestly think it's because they get so many girls, and I think it's just, it gets like, it gets like a Mick Jagger kind of thing, David Bowie kind of thing.

They got bored of, yeah, vagina, so they have sex with each other.

Is that true? That's what people said, that Mick Jagger and David Bowie used to have sex with each other.

Yeah, because they just fucked so many girls. Girls that eventually they were like, all right, I guess we'll just fuck each other, because they got off on the fact that they were both so great.

Holy shit.

Yeah, it's kind of like you and Zane.

That's like— that's like you and Scott, dude.

It's like me and Scott. Yeah, we're just both so great. Could you imagine?

Yeah, you guys have such egos that you're like, yeah, we gotta— we gotta have sex with each other. No, that's— that's nuts. But yeah, so my roommate, he said something along the lines of I've never had enough— like, I've had sex with a lot of girls, but I've never had an emotional connection with a female.

Yeah, that was the most interesting thing that he said. I thought that was really interesting.

And he didn't say that he's had an emotional connection with a male, but he's saying that he's not leaving that out because there's a good chance that he would be able to have an emotional connection with a male.

Or he might just be doing all of this for views too.

Regardless, I mean, if he— I don't know, I don't know what he's doing, but if he comes out as gay Good on him.

Be good for your vlog.

I would love to have a gay guy in my gay character. Holy cow. But he'd actually have to be gay. I don't want like some fake.

Yeah, you want like a real gay, like the real thing.

Yeah, like the guy who will, you know, who will fucking make out with a dude on command, who will take him back and have a good time with him, you know I mean? Yeah, gay guy. That's the thing about my vlogs, guys.

I taste in shoes. I don't—

I'm missing an Asian, like a funny—

like there's Asian guys that live across the hall. What happened to them?

Yeah, these Asian guys that knocked on our door, they're like, hey, if you ever need Asians in the vlogs— and these guys are like the perfect Asians. I'm like, hell yeah, you guys, you guys, you guys seem like you got it. But yeah, and a gay guy in my vlogs, which I would love. Yeah, it's just, it's so nice to have that whole thing.

Should be able to find a gay dude to be in your vlogs.

Well, it's looking like the gay guy has found me.

Why don't we have a contest?

Be the gay guy in David's vlogs, because a lot of people would probably fake it. You coming? Because I promised them more shoutouts.

Why don't you have some kind of contest like that? That'd be pretty funny.

Because it's just hard to like introduce a gay guy.

No, it's not, because if it's a competition, then people would be forced to bring their like their A-game right away.

When you, when you were growing up, were there a lot of gay people? Because you're just—

no. Yeah, there were, and they were in the closet. Like, I had people in my family that were— that are gay, but they were never expressed to me to be gay.

It was just kind of like, oh, they're not married.

And is it just because it wasn't a thing?

I guess it just wasn't accepted. Wasn't accepted at all. Something weird really— something weird happened, like right when Ellen got her TV show and she came out of the closet, then like it was— it was honestly in my lifetime. I think you were too young, but it was weird. It was like all of a sudden, yeah, it just all went away.

What my friend said—

well, my sister was in high school, she was tortured for being gay.

Oh, are you serious?

Oh yeah, it was awful. Like made fun of and like prank calls to the house and like they had like restraining orders against like a group of girls who would call and tease her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was bad.

What would they call and say?

Oh, they just say all kinds of shit. I don't, I don't, I don't know. I was younger. I was so young, but I know that they— my sister had a like a really, really horrible high school experience where it affected her grades.

She was openly gay?

I mean, you know, I don't know what she was. No, no, she wasn't openly gay. That's the other thing. My sister didn't come out until—

Holy shit, you look like Ellen DeGeneres!

I do look like Ellen DeGeneres.

Does that mean that your sister looks exactly like Ellen DeGeneres?

No, no, I look more like Ellen than she does. That's—

I've never said—

it's just beautiful.

How old is your sister?

Uh, she's 5 years older than me.

No way.

Yeah, she's wonderful.

Does she watch your vlogs?

No, I don't think so. Or maybe sometimes a little bit.

Wow, she'd be pissed at you, huh, for bringing dishonor to your family?

What does that mean?

You have shamed our family.

What does that mean?

You don't know what dishonor is?

I know what dishonor is. Oh, you mean like what, by like just being me?

Yeah, just by being taped to the wall and having your butt hole wet.

I don't know what she would think of it. She's very, uh, She's a pretty reserved person.

That's amazing.

But I think she loves me, and she, you know, she's down with whatever. We were— I shot a bunch of stuff with her in Boston. She's so funny. And then when I got back to LA, she was like, I really don't want to be in any of the videos.

Why?

I don't know. I just think she wants her privacy. And she doesn't— I don't know. I'm not sure. But, but like when I was growing up, she was like 10 times funnier than me. She was so funny, and I still think she's so funny. She's like very like physical. She's kind of like Liza in a way.

Is she doing well?

Yeah, she's doing really well.

That's awesome. Yes, you guys ever compete for who the more successful sibling is?

No, no, not at all. We're not like that at all.

Do you have any other siblings?

Mm, just Todd.

Just Todd.

No, I don't have any other siblings.

It's amazing. You, are you gonna have any other kids?

You're like, hey, you've met all three of my siblings.

Are you ever gonna have more kids?

I was thinking about that today when I went on that date.

You're thinking about having more kids?

I was like, I guess if I'm gonna keep dating these younger women. Unless they— because on the one hand, it's like, well, if they don't want kids—

Jason, if you had another kid, you'd be fired.

But it'd be good for the vlog. Think about it.

It wouldn't, because you wouldn't be able to shoot. You'd have to take care of your little John.

You'd have a new baby to put in any video you wanted.

Oh my god, you'd be such a whore.

Huh?

You would bring him to— you would bring him everywhere just so you could put him in videos.

Hey, man. You say that, wait till you need a fucking baby, you'd be right there with me sucking cock. I know you. Don't tell me, don't say that I'm a whore. Oh my God, you'd be right there like, what time can the baby be here?

Did you see when DJ Khaled had his baby?

No, what'd he do?

Snapchat of the entire pregnancy?

The birth? While playing the song?

Yeah, the pregnancy, the birth, the birth. Yeah, wow, right outside the hotel room or right next to his wife as she was pushing out.

Did he show the orifice?

No, no, but she was like, she was pushing, she was screaming, he was playing his album.

Wow. Yeah, probably sold a lot of records.

Yeah, I mean, he's goddamn impressive. Like, that's what I imagine you having a kid and just then just calling me, then I get a rap album. Just call me the next day, you're so stressed out, you're like, I don't know what to title this video. Your kids cry.

I could see that.

I mean, I don't know. When do you think I should have a kid? Uh, probably when I'm like 28, huh?

You're gonna have a kid that early?

I think that's in 7 years. That's not early. In 27 years?

I don't know if you're gonna want kids when you're 27.

Really?

I don't think so.

Wow.

Yeah, maybe actually. You've done a lot so far, actually. Yeah, you don't like to go out or anything, so I could see you maybe having a kid when you're 27.

I'm not good with kids.

Yeah, you are.

No, I'm not.

Oh, you'll be a great dad.

I'm really good at faking it and pretending like I'm good with kids, but like, though, I still think about this to this day.

It's different when it's your own.

And when the funniest thing that happened— I don't know, did we talk about this on the podcast? You were FaceTiming us. I was with Alex, my roommate, and, and Alex turns to me and goes, watch this. And your kids were in the background of the FaceTime, and Alex goes, hey Jason, how about that Cold Stone? And your son goes, and your son goes, yeah, Dad, Cold Stone. Do you remember that?

He fucked me so hard that night. And then that fucked me over so hard.

And then your son just went, let's get cold, right? What did he do?

Alex is so brilliant sometimes. And, and then from there, I look at Wyatt and I'm like, fuck, because Alex had brought up Cold Stone and told Wyatt about how good Cold Stone is, and then he talked about it for weeks. Cold Stone, Cold Stone, we've got to go to Cold Stone. Alex had to go to Cold Stone, Cold Stone, Cold Stone. And it's like, there's not a lot of Cold Stones around. There's one across from you, and it's a nightmare to get to across from your apartment. It's a shit show to get over there.

That's awful.

So then Alex brought it up, and then of course for the rest of the night I was like, I take you to Pinkberry.

The same day, did you go to Cold Stone?

No, we still haven't been, but I had to hear about it. I had to hear him talk about Cold Stone for the next 2 hours.

That's amazing, cuz Alex— that's why I can't do kids. Kids. Not yet.

Yeah, you'll be great.

I'll wait 9 more months.

No, you'll be a great dad. You will. You'll love it. It'll be so good because you'll have like a little, little person you can mold into you. And because you love you so much.

A little David.

Yeah, a little David.

Extremely long hair.

Yeah. And if you had it with Liza, that would be great.

You think he'd be a cute baby or ugly?

You and Liza's baby?

Yeah.

Oh my God, it'd be the cutest baby ever fucking seen. It'd be Oh my god, yeah.

If I had an ugly kid, would I say it's an ugly kid, or do parents not do that?

Some people do.

Really?

Yeah, some people have said the kid's ugly.

Are you serious?

Yeah, and then you go, no, no, it's not. No, he's not. He's very good-looking.

Do you think your kids are ugly?

No, I think they're gorgeous.

Okay, I'm gonna turn the podcast off now.

Okay.

You think your kids are ugly?

Yeah. Are you still recording?

Yeah.

Shit! Are you serious?

Alright guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. We're gonna be doing a live podcast soon. We can't tell you yet when it's coming because we— it's not confirmed.

Yeah, it's not— the contract's not done yet.

But, but don't worry, we're gonna, we're gonna make some decent money off this. I know a lot of people are worried. But no, thank you guys for listening. Please tweet us about tips and tricks about the podcast. Yeah, tweet at Jason and tell him he was wrong about the death penalty from the last podcast.

Yeah.

Make sure you really bat that in there. Guys, go buy some merch, fanjoy.co.

Next time I'm gonna tell you about the greatest, really juicy, juicy story about the love of my life.

Okay, no one's gonna listen to our next podcast. Way to go, you just killed it. I will see you guys later.