Telling David the Truth

What's up, guys?

Welcome back to Views. Jay, the votes are in.

Oh, I know the election's coming up.

No, no, I ran a poll on Instagram to see how many people want me to get a new co-host. Oh, and, uh, it's not looking too good for you.

Okay, gotcha.

All right, let's roll in some music.

The other week, um, I stepped out of my room and I go into the living room and there was a there was like a random person here, like standing at our table. And so I go back into your room and I start looking for you and I start looking for Natalie and I'm like, oh, I guess nobody's here. Then I go back into the living room and as I'm coming up, I'm like, I'm like, damn, this girl has a fat fucking ass. And the girl turns around and it's Natalie in a wig.

Oh, I was trying my holiday. I remember that. I remember because right when it happened, Elliot's first response was, damn, now you have a fat ass. That's funny.

Mike and I were talking about masturbating the other day.

Oh, we can't. We can't.

No, no, it's funny.

It's okay. Let's do it.

And, you know, he was like, yeah, I just like, I come into like a paper towel or whatever. I'm like, yeah, but you never just like, you know, pinch your dick as you're coming and like, so the cum doesn't come out of your dick.

Oh, I've heard you say this before. I think that's the most ridiculous fucking thing I've ever heard. No one ever does that.

Okay.

Okay.

And then, and then I asked Todd and he goes, yeah, that's completely normal.

It's true. I agreed with him.

What do you—

sometimes I pinch my penis when I'm about to ejaculate. Yeah. To start a pinch at the top. At the top.

Oh, isn't that painful?

Not the very, very top. Like, like a little, like past 3/4.

What the fuck are you saying? What do you mean you pinch?

Have you ever done it?

This makes me— I still am convinced that Illy is making this up. And then we had like a 45-minute conversation about it. And then the next morning at like 7 in the morning, he FaceTimes me and goes, I have consulted a trusted source, and then points the camera to Todd and goes, yeah, yeah, I hold my dick. Yeah, everyone does that.

They don't.

I don't do it every time, but I've done a lot of masturbating in my life.

Natalie, is this true that Todd pinches his dick before he comes on your face?

I have no comment.

What you guys talk about on the podcast now?

Just lately? Yes. Yeah, the pandemic has been hard on us.

Publicly, it kicks in, though.

Oh, yeah. Well, this is like what I think everybody's like. Anybody, anytime I go to breakfast or like like dinner with these guys, like Ilya and Ella, all we talk about the whole time is just sex stuff.

Yeah, usually this shit is cut out of the podcast. We kind of just do it for Joe because he's a little pervert and he edits these things and it kind of fuels him for editing the rest of the podcast.

Do you think he's sitting there like he's—

what he does is what he tells me is he masturbates to part of the stories and then he edits the other half. So we do it just for him. Do you pinch your dick, Jason, my co-host?

No, man. I come in like 4 seconds. That's what I'm saying. Pinching your dick will help.

Yeah, I couldn't find his dick.

I don't know.

the timing is good. It's less time. I don't need more time with cum inside me.

It's what you call edging in the gay world.

No, no, edging and pitching your dick is different.

Can I ask something?

Yeah.

Are you into me? I feel like we've been— I feel like we've been left alone a couple of times this week and there's like some tension between us. You feel it, right?

I feel like you've been complimenting me a lot lately.

You are. You are into me, aren't you?

No. Okay. Actually, the other day I even told this to Taylor. I don't know if Taylor told you this. This is why you're fucking with me. Because I had a dream that you were fucking gay. No, okay, no, no, this is, this is the story of locked doors. This is like, I named, I titled this dream locked doors. Okay, okay.

It really was excited about this dream.

Yes, because it's so, it was so vivid.

You had a dream that I was gay?

Yes, when you got, when you and Ilya came out that night.

Gunlocked doors.

Wait, what does that mean, locked doors?

That's the title. I titled my dreams.

Oh, locked doors.

Do you always title your dreams?

Sometimes.

Do you write them down? You're an artist. Do you draw them?

No.

Is there something in your notebook of me fucking you?

I do draw my dick pics that guys send me.

Okay, that's okay. What else? So you in your dream.

Okay, in my dream we were in a house, a huge house, and you were like, you were like, like, I've always, like, wondered. I was like, wondered what? We always have this conversation, whatever. And then I was like, do you want to, like, try something? And then he's like, I don't know, you lead the way. And then when I was about to, like, touch your dick, one of your assistants— I don't know if it was Taylor. It was, like, very not vivid at all.

Yeah.

And one of your assistants, quote unquote, walked in because you don't know how to fucking lock your doors.

Yeah, that is a problem.

And then And that's why it's called Lock Doors. And then yes, and then, um, thank you for giving the background.

And that's how I came up with the name Lock Doors.

No, and then, um, then you tried stopping your assistant saying like, please don't tell anyone, like, I want to tell this like someday, but I'm not ready yet.

And I was like, haha, bitch, I'm gonna tell everybody.

Natalie was like, haha, it's in my book already. And then, oh, Reggie, are you getting a boner?

No.

Okay, so And then I was like, David, you have to, like, tell someone, you know? Like, I'll be here.

This is a real dream you had?

Literally? Yes.

Have you ever thought I was actually bi or gay?

Sometimes.

Really? What do you mean sometimes?

Sometimes I would watch, like, fan videos and like, oh my God, he's so straight. And then sometimes I'll be like, oh my God, he's so gay.

Really?

Yeah.

I think I'm just really feminine, but I know for a fact that I'm straight.

Well, that's why it only happens in my dreams.

There's just no good way to say that, you know?

It's like, no, I'm pretty straight.

Yeah, I think you are too. It just sounds funny out of anyone's mouth.

But no, I'm, uh, I mean, I'm totally cool with saying like if I was gay, but I'm not gay.

Maybe David helped you come out, so maybe that's what that dream is.

I think that that's just, that's just a wet dream. It's literally just Ranjit's wet dream about David being gay.

No, I did not have a wet dream.

Do you have more ideas for locked doors? Do you have like other things?

What's the next episode?

I can't wait.

Your eyes lit up when I brought you to Saddle— no, Flaming Saddles.

Yeah, because it's just so entertaining watching like masculine guys like be confident and like flamboyant. And I've said this before, but there's something fun, more fun about watching guys strip than watching girls strip. I don't know what it is, but there's something—

100%.

Oh, there's something about— there's something about a guy that's a super buff guy that's super masculine dancing in like a feminine way and like a loose way that's like a lot more entertaining to the eyes.

Girls would say they'd rather see a girl strip.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, okay. Wait, if they're like— hold on, I'm saying like if I'm at— if I'm—

no, no, no, you and Reggie, if I'm at a guy stripping more than the girls No, no.

If I'm at a show— God, fuck, I'm in a hole. Reggie's Hole, baby. Locked Doors, Episode 2. No, no, no, no. I'm just saying, if I'm like— if I want to be like— if I want to, like, have a good time and have fun, like, I'd rather watch a guy strip. But if I'm, like, there to get aroused, like, I want to watch a girl strip. And, like, I'd rather have a girl in my bed than a guy. I'm not gay, but I'm like— but, like, I don't know. It's— I don't— it's not like out of the realm of possibility. I don't fucking— I don't know. Who cares? Who knows? I got to— I got to complete one of my bucket list items the other day. I got to shoot with them. Well, I got to work with kind of, I guess, my social media version of work with Leonardo DiCaprio, which is really— yeah. What do you mean you didn't see that?

No way.

You didn't hear me talking about it the last fucking 3 weeks. We did something for voting. Go vote. Actually, I don't know when this fucking podcast will be out. Probably tomorrow. Oh yeah. Okay. Yeah. Go vote. But yeah, we did a thing for voting. We're doing like a— you can come basically hang out with me and meet Leo and it's like this big fun thing. And it was, it was really cool. We got to go to—

what happened? What was the first thing he said to you?

I met him a while ago.

Okay.

I met him like, oh, so this is how it happened. Another celebrity of my— like, now I can talk about the story because I've always been holding this, but another celebrity friend of mine like called me one day and he's like, hey, I'd like you to meet one of my friends. And I was like, okay, cool. I was like, it's probably his little sister, like he probably wants me to say hi to his little sister or his niece or something. And then he gives the phone to his friend and he goes, hey David, it's Leonardo DiCaprio. I go, what the fuck? And I'm like, hi. And, and as— and then he like— and then he starts talking to me about something and like I put myself on mute And I run into the office and Jay, I think you were there.

Yeah.

Yeah. And I run into the office and there's like 3 or 4 of you there. This was months ago. This is like a year ago maybe. And I run into the office and as, as he's talking, I go, Leo DiCaprio's on the fucking phone with me. And Jason goes, shut up. And then we're just listening to Leo talk for like 2 seconds and then bring it back because I didn't want to like be weird and sitting around this campfire of Leo's voice. Yeah. And then, and then I, and then I saw him at a party like a couple of months later and I was like, fuck it, I'm going to walk up to him. And I walked up to him, I said hello, he fucking said hello to me. I was like, what the fuck? This is crazy. This dude knows who I am. Like, I get to walk up to fucking DiCaprio. And then fast forward a couple of months, we want to do something around voting. And I thought this was like a perfect thing to do, like some sort of like giveaway aspect where you can meet Leo, because I think that'd be the coolest fucking thing. And we got it done. And Natalie and I went over there the other day. We went to go take the picture and we were so fucking nervous the whole ride there.

Yeah, I was like, oh my God. Like, just like, I was like, I get nervous. I start being like, Ooh, like I started singing weird.

There's like a 40-minute car ride and like, yeah, at some point, at one point Natalie was like, I just don't get the whole space thing. Like, I'm really thinking, and I literally went, Natalie, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. We're going to see the biggest fucking celebrity in the entire world and I just shut the fuck up. I was so stressed out. I was so scared. And Natalie was like, right, right, I'm sorry. Like, we were all on the same page about how scary it was and we were just like We were like, and the best part is when you're, when you're, I've done this with like 30 different celebrities that I've gone to visit. Like every time I'm going to drive up to one, I'm like, imagine, like imagine he goes, hey, we're going to Peru right now. You want to get on our yacht? And like, I run through all these stories on like how this can possibly go. And I was telling Natalie, I'm like, I can't leave the country because I'm DACA. But I was like, Natalie, if he like fucking asks us to go to like fucking, uh, you know, Belize right now, or like fucking, we, we should go, right? We'll get on the plane and we'll deal with immigration stuff later. And Natalie was like, I mean, yeah, I guess. Yeah. Leo asked, like we should leave the country. And like, we were going through all these fucking scenarios in our head. We're like, yeah, yeah. And it was just like, we were so fucking nervous. And then we got there and it was like, dude, it's just like, it's crazy. Like when that, like the second you get to hang out with a celebrity and that like that wall breaks or like that tension breaks, like he opened the door for us and his dog got out. So he had to go chase his dog. Like, and that's where you go, oh my God, this is fucking real. It's the guy from the Titanic. This is the Wolf of Wall Street. He's fucking— he's here at his house just fucking chilling, like, and he's the fucking nicest guy. He's so nice.

Yeah. When we first pulled up, we heard like kids run, like screaming from like the house, like yelling, playing, whatever. And we're like, are we at the right house? Because we like just didn't anticipate that. And like, he had like family over and like a bunch of little kids. The dogs were out. Like, it was a whole—

yeah, it was just like— it was just so crazy. And we're just like, I can't believe we're just like the guy that's fucking in Titanic, Django Unchained, The Revenant, Wolf of Wall Street, like fucking Inception. We're just fucking right here, just hanging out with him. It was so bizarre. And he was— I don't know, I, I'm, I'm not just bullshitting, but he was just so nice and his girlfriend was so sweet.

Was he joking around with you and stuff?

Yeah, he was really cool because we were trying to take this fucking picture and we were so bad at it because we couldn't find the right lighting because there were shadows everywhere because it was like the worst time. And we just, we went all around the house trying to take this picture and then we ended up at the same spot where we first took the picture. Um, no, it was really fun. He's— it was the best. So I'm glad I got to do that. Um, and a lot of people Well, it's, it's actually the campaign's doing really well, so it's exciting. Obviously it's fucking Leo.

Are you doing Inception 2 with him, or—

Yeah, I'm actually— Yeah, I'm doing— I'm going to do The Revenant 2. I'm okay. You're doing— Is that why you have a beard? Yeah, I'm growing out my beard.

I can see it's really big now to play the beard. Got big quick.

Yeah, it's gonna be nice.

That's crazy. So you're gonna have to like go and live in the woods for a while?

For 8 months. 8 months. Yeah, they want me to get there 4 months ahead of time, just like 4 months before the crew. 4 months before the crew just to kind of figure it out.

You think you could do something like that?

Oh, the movie like The Revenant?

Yeah.

Fuck no.

You don't think so?

Fuck no.

If someone said to you, David, we're gonna give you this Oscar-winning script, all we need you to do is like gain, you know, 100 pounds and live in the woods.

Oh, well, yeah, I mean, you do that, could you go method on it? Yeah, if it's like an Oscar Award, like if I know it's gonna win an Oscar. Yeah, fuck yeah. And if they're confident that my involvement in it would also like do it justice, then 100%, like I'll live wherever. Like, for, like, to make anything entertaining, I would fucking do anything. But like, I just don't think I would do a movie justice, especially of where I'm in the wilderness for 8 months.

Yeah. You don't like nature?

Yeah, but yeah, it is what it is.

Did Leo ask about your friend Todd?

Yeah. He said, dude, I love the vlogs, especially that guy Todd.

Really?

Yeah. Well, he didn't ask specifically about Todd, but he was like, who wrote Natalina? And I was like, Todd was like, right, Todd.

What else did he ask about from Vlog Squad?

You, you, you, you, you.

He was like, you said he was the cute Jewish boy that's in 1 out of every 900 videos.

That's the only thing he didn't mention.

Did he ask to be in Clutter Banks? Come on, I know he asked about it.

He's taking a pause right now from production, but I know he'll be back to do yours.

You just got to let him know we're like run and gun. We're guerrilla warfare.

We don't need a crew.

I was with Wyatt the other night and Charlie wasn't with us, so we could watch a movie that like You know, like, the movies change when Charlie's not around, you know what I mean?

Like, not Mean Girls.

Yeah, yeah, a whole genre opens up, you know?

So I'm like, now you're watching Interstellar.

Yeah, exactly. That's what we were choosing between. We're choosing Interstellar and Inception.

Oh, okay.

And because, you know, he's like a science kid, he loves science so much. And, uh, and I said, you'll, you'll love Inception. Like, you'll just—

wow, he's never fucking seen Inception?

No.

How old is he?

He's 14. What a loser, right? Because all you ever do is— what would you say? Nothing.

No, no, no, I said what a blessing that he's watching it with his father. So what happened?

But he just stopped the movie every— he's such a science nerd that he stopped the movie every 10 minutes.

He stopped Inception to what?

To tell me about it, to tell me his own theories on the dreams and how they could extract the dreams better. It's a 2.5-hour movie. It took us 4 hours to finish.

Wait, he stopped the movie to put his own twist on— Yeah, to put what was already written in the movie.

Yeah. Like how they could have, like, done it another way, stuff like that.

He's like watching, he's like, this isn't going to work. The synthesizer doesn't add up with the molecular.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

He was like filming a Reacts video to Inception.

He's like a proper nerd, right, Jay?

It's unreal. It's because we're not like that. Marty's not like that. I'm not like that. And Charlie's not like that. Charlie's like fun TikTok.

Well, does he say things that are actually smart, or does he just sound like he just found mushrooms?

I'm too stupid to know if what he's saying is smart or not. You know, I took him to Nick Uhas once.

The scientist.

Yeah, scientist.

And he said that he was super intelligent.

He said he had some good theories. I mean, whatever. He broke a glass one night. At like 12:00 at night and I got really upset. So then the next day I had a whole night where I just watched Inception with him.

Oh, I thought he had a theory on the broken glass. I thought, so you're going to go into— like, that's— it's actually not broken. Can I tell you why? Like, I thought it was going to be like that. I would have punched my kid in the face.

Yeah.

And I'd be like, your nose actually isn't broken. You know why? That's really interesting. My favorite theory is— it's not really a theory, but it's like, it's when two things are coming towards each other that they never actually ever touch because the distance between them is always getting cut in half. So you're— you're so—

like Reggie's dream.

No, not— but do you know what I mean? Like, if your fingers are from here to here, halfway is here, halfway is here, halfway is here, and you're always going halfway, so technically they never ever touch because where does— that doesn't add up. There's always a half of a number. So how are they touching?

This is super nerdy, but like, your cells and you're like— your atoms and molecules are made up of things that aren't touching. Like the electron's not touching the proton, not touching the neutron. They're all revolving in empty space. 90% of everything is empty space, but we're still like, everything's solid.

That's what I'm saying.

It makes no sense.

Isn't that fucking crazy that your fingers are never touching?

Like, when you— when you touch your fingers together, yeah, that it's just— there's, there's actually space in between everything.

I mean, it's, it's crazy that like our— I think it's crazier what Mike said.

Is there space between everything, or does our math just not add up?

If you zoom in on a fucking atom, nothing is touching. It's all like It's like a— it's like the solar system. Like the sun is in the middle and all the planets are like not touching. But if you zoomed out, it would look like—

this is what I love about this podcast. I mean, from, from fucking— from locked doors to open minds, it really is.

You get both.

You get the best of both worlds here.

To squeezing your dick so you don't cum, to meeting Leonardo DiCaprio.

Well, the question is, are you really squeezing your dick? Because there's space between your fingers and your penis.

You want to hear something really fucked up?

Yeah.

Okay, you did something. And then I, I saw Joe and Joe was like, how was it? And I go, it was great. And then I go, but don't tell David I said it was great. And Joe goes, right, right, I won't. Wait, what? Tell David it's great.

Wait, what do you mean?

And like, I'm like, because, you know, like, then he's gonna go, it sucked. And then Joe was like— we were like finishing each other's sentences. And then Joe was like, right, because then he said, what sucks is he's going to think you have a shitty opinion of what you think is great. And I was like, yeah, so don't say anything. He's like, cool.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Explain.

That's a fucking theory, man.

Wait, what did I do? It's crazy.

It's like mind blown.

Wait, what did I do?

So basically you're really fucked up.

No, but what happened?

You did a livestream.

Oh, okay.

And so I saw Joe the next day and he was like, how was the livestream? And I go, you know what, it was really good. I go like, I thought it was really good. And then I go, but don't tell David I said that. And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I won't. I won't.

That's so funny. I went to Natalie actually after that livestream and I went, that was the worst livestream I've ever done in my life.

Yeah, I knew you. I knew you were going to say that.

Oh, interesting.

But between Joe and I, I told him what I really thought.

And you can't tell me the truth.

Yeah, I wouldn't tell you the truth.

Even if it was positive. Oh, that's really interesting.

Because you said when I left, I told you, I said that sucked.

Oh, you did?

Yeah. You were busy with Taylor. I was like, that was fucking awful. I got to go.

To my face you said it sucked.

Yeah, to your face I was like, that was shit.

But then you got in your car and you went, yes, I got my car. You killed that.

You killed that.

Oh, that's funny. And what is that? What is the problem? Why do you say that? Is it because—

because then if I, if I, if I told Joe that the livestream was good and then Joe goes, Jason said livestream was great, then you'll go, Jason's a fucking idiot.

Okay. All right. Okay.

Okay.

Wow. Wow. What a— that's a paradox.

That's like Machiavellian, like plotting of this empire that you've built where like your subjects need to like lie to you about what the truth is to keep your version of reality intact.

Yeah.

So that way they still stay in your— or do you realize that you're becoming like a full-blown psychopath?

I found this out.

We used to joke about it, but like I've been like seeing you devolve over quarantine and like Because you don't leave. Like, Carly posted a video like a couple weeks ago on her Instagram story, like the day lockdown happened, and you were freaking out. You're like, what do I do? Where do we go? What do we go to, Walgreens? Like, we got to get out of the house. What do we do? And now you don't leave the house and you just like built this world.

This is what I fucking hate. People think I like leave the house. People think I like leave and like I hang out with a bunch of people. I don't think I get tagged in so much shit. I get tagged in so much shit. Like, David's out hanging out with these people. I'm like, I know, I don't know, like I like, like, I don't know how to, I don't know how to explain it.

I feel like it's coming to a nursing home to see you here. Like I come and like visit David once a week. I have grandma in bed, like dying. And you're either playing video games or just like pissed off about something and you just haven't like, but you're still building this like little world of David and everyone's like, we've got to make sure David's happy with this. We've got to like lie to him about this. Like this Machiavellian version of reality that you're built.

Jay, I don't ever leave the house. Right.

Ever.

And do you understand what I'm saying?

When I, when I, when I say people think I do that, I saw something the other day that you were pulled into and I was like, He's bullshit, right? Right.

Or you don't—

you don't go anywhere, right? I don't go— I haven't been anywhere with you. Yeah, not one place. That might just be me. I actually go hiking the other day.

Oh my god, you texted me. Yeah, let's go hiking. Yeah, and I told Natalie, I was like, this is the second or third time Jason's texting me to go hiking and I've said no, and I feel so bad.

Well, you were going to see Leo.

Yeah, yeah, and I felt so bad because I literally feel like I'm blowing— like, I— you know what it feels like? It feels like, like a father trying to fix his relationship with his son, and like I keep saying no to everything you're just like, are you sure?

Hiking?

Like, you want me to stream with you? Like, I feel like it's getting to that point. I feel really bad. I was gonna go shoot with Leo, that's why I said no to hiking. But yeah, back to what Mike was saying is how people around me will lie. Now, didn't this happen the other day? You guys were talking shit about me in the group chat.

That's a little different.

The other day everybody was talking shit about me in the group chat that I was in. But apparently, like, I don't check it. So like, I know you're not reading it and we have to make decisions.

Apparently Natalie knows that Dave is is not gonna read the group chat because he doesn't read texts.

It was just everybody was conversing, going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, waiting for fucking David to respond, who's sitting in his room fucking popping his butthole. And he's like, Reggie, not with Reggie. Um, and so I was just like, you know what, let's do this, blah blah. I know David's not reading this group chat, so let's just fucking do this. And then I don't know how you ended up finding out that we were talking about you.

You just told me. You were like, we were talking shit about you. Oh, you literally just said it. And I was like, wow, really?

The other day I walked into David's room and I was like, verbatim, I go, Dave, you want to go to lunch? No. Okay, see you later.

I remember that.

Because he does want to be asked.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, no, I don't know. I was still kind of bummed though. Natalie had a serious COVID scare the other day.

Oh yeah, I know. Fucked up my whole video. Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah. Natalie was on some kind of a shoot. And I mean, you can explain it, what happened.

Yeah, I went to this, I went to this like shoot for a couple hours, and literally at the end of it, we were making margaritas on this shoot, and at the end I'm literally— I just—

oh, so let me just say this real quick. If there's any other, any shooting with like celebrities involved, or like even when we shoot within ourselves, everyone's getting fucking COVID tested constantly. Like, I hate that we have to say this, but that's obvious. Like, just like people get COVID tested to go to their job, this is our job. So when we're around other people fucking making videos or whatever, we're getting COVID tested. So, okay, Natalie, right?

So prior to this shoot, like, they were so intense. They're like, she has to be tested within 24 hours of the shoot, and like 2 other times before that. So I've been getting tested whenever. I was obviously negative. So I went to the shoot, we blended the margaritas, I'm about to like pour the margarita into the cup or whatever, about to be done, and this random guy comes through, bursts through the doors and goes, everybody, I have some really terrible news, we need to evacuate. Such and such, the like lead producer who I— we know all very well, and he— his test results came back in the middle of the shoot and he's tested positive for COVID. Everyone, he's left the building. Everyone else needs to do the same. We all need to be out of here as soon as possible. Please, like, everybody evacuate. It was literally like, like, like there was a gunman in the building. Like, it was like everyone dropped everything they were doing. We were like, had no idea.

What do the camera guys do? They pack up their stuff?

Well, everyone was just like— they were like— there was like this like 10 seconds of just like everyone looking at each other, just silent, being like, was the producer there that day? Producer was there, said hi. There was somebody that came in before me and like he was taking pictures of people, like he was, he was whatever.

So he was there that day?

Yeah, he was like full-on interacting with everybody.

Oh, like was in the green room talking to us, like talking about everything. And so whatever, everyone clears out and everyone has to get immediately COVID tested or whatever. Yeah, so then a couple days later we found out that it was like a false positive, that He didn't actually have it.

It was a fucking test that said he was positive. Like, that's crazy.

And but I had like, I had to go to a hotel that night.

I had to like, I remember Natalie called me and I was like, do not come here. Do not come to the fucking. And I remember, and I remember she came to the house and she sat outside in her car.

Yeah.

And Taylor, I told Taylor to get like, pack everything that Natalie needed in her room. And I was like, I went to Taylor and I was like, Taylor, do not interact with Natalie. Do not look at her. You put the stuff in her. You don't touch her trunk. You put it in her car and you walk away. You walk away. And as Taylor was walking out, I went up to her again and I go, Taylor, You hear me? Do not go anywhere near her. Like, I was like so adamant about like Natalie not being— come into contact with. And yes, so she then she went to a hotel for the next 2 days.

Taylor get in contact with her?

No, no, no, no, no. High five Natalie.

That's like, oh my God, girl, I haven't seen you in a couple of hours.

So like months ago Natalie said, oh, I love this TikTok chef.

Yeah, my favorite TikToker in the whole world.

Months ago. And I was like, you know, I'm always looking for a video. So I was like, okay. So we worked it out that she would come. This is like August. She's like, she's coming in October. That day she flies in to cook for Natalie. Oh my God, we go to Italy, we're like shopping. I'm having a really good time because I love Italian food.

And I called you, I called you that day.

Yes, you did.

And I call— and I— this is the day of the shoot, and the day of Jason's shoot, and the day of Natalie's shoot where the false positive was for COVID. And I called Jason, I'm like, Jason, Jason, can you come by and help me with this livestream I'm doing? And Jason never responds like this, ever. He goes, no, David, I can't right now. I'm so busy. I do the thing with Natalie. And I go, no, you're not.

I didn't respond like that.

No, but you definitely responded tense.

Well, I was tense because I was worried I wouldn't get Natalie for the video.

Yeah, no, you didn't. You were tense. And then, and then, and then I broke the news to you and then you were like, that's just perfect. I thought you were pranking me. No, no, no. I was like, that's fucking crazy. Yeah, so this woman flew out.

Yeah, and she's great. Cooking with Shirin.

Wow.

Shirin.

Shirin.

Cooking with Shirin.

Cooking with Shirin. She's amazing.

Your food's so good.

I got to go instead of you. It was very good.

I know everyone else— then Jason like accidentally sent a group, like a text to everybody of the food being like, hey guys, food's ready if anyone wants it. And he sent it to me, but I was sitting in the hotel room. I was like, really, Jason? Like, you know I want to be there more than anything. And he accidentally sent this pasta picture to me.

I Did it— wasn't an accident. I was like, dumb bitch, why'd you get COVID on this day? No. And then I sent another text which said, I want to bring you food, where are you? I know.

But then I was like, just doing my own thing.

I don't know if you talked about this, Dave. If you could time travel forward or back in time, where would you go?

Are you asking me if I would go— is that the final answer, forward or backwards, or do you want me to give you an actual date?

No, you can come back. Like, if— like, I just watched Back to the Future the other night, and if like Doc Brown showed up with a time machine, DeLorean, where would you go? Where's like the first place you would go?

Uh, fuck. 9/11.

What the fuck?

Yeah, I don't know. I've always had this thing with 9/11.

To watch it or prevent it?

Prevent it. Oh, yeah. You fucking—

then how would you prevent it?

I just fucking— I just run right into the World Trade Center, be like, I have a bomb in these buildings. That wouldn't work.

Why not?

They didn't evacuate after the first plane hit the second tower. Didn't even evacuate.

I'd figure it out. I mean, obviously if I had a time machine, I'd go in there more. Well, so that's what you would do.

You would try and prevent the tragedy.

That's like, as a kid, that was always my thing. I was like, time machine, 9/11. Like, I had it. I was like, if anybody fucking comes up to me and has a time machine— because I was like, so like, I fucking hated like what happened 9/11. Like, I was so passionate about it. I was like, how can I fucking change this?

You remember when it happened?

Yeah, 100%. My dad was in New York, so like, I like— that's why I remember. But, um, but, uh, but no, now I've come to learn that like you can't change shit like that because like, you don't know what fucking impact that's going to have on the future. So like, I wouldn't go back and like do anything because I didn't want to fuck with the future. Does that make sense?

So what would you want to go observe?

Something I'd probably— yeah, I'd love to observe like, like when it rained a lot and Noah's Ark like kind of went splash, splash. I'm just a toddler answering this question. No, that's not it. Probably Jesus Christ. I want to see what's up with him.

Would you go back to when Mike's parents were making them and stop them.

Oh my God.

That's right after I visit Jesus Christ. I'd be like, on behalf of the Jews, Jesus, I have to go. I have to jump.

You wouldn't want to go, like, leave a note for yourself, like your 11-year-old self in Chicago?

Fuck no.

Really?

I wouldn't want to do that.

Do you like the way that everything turned out? You wouldn't want to fuck that up?

Well, yeah. Not even that. I like how everything turned out. There's definitely things I would fix if I was doing it the first time, but I also don't want to know because I have a completely different mindset going into life. But I would— I'd probably go in the future. Honestly, what I would do if I had a time machine— sorry, I've answered this 4 different ways.

That's a crazy question.

But 100% honestly, I would go back just a couple weeks and, um, and just hang out with Illya again. No, no, no, no, no. I, I would go back and like just win a lottery or something, like something simple. Like, I, I wouldn't want to like really fuck with anything. I just want to like win some lottery numbers and like, you know, maybe get some, get some Bets Right or whatever, something like that. Now you hit herself with the mic.

Um, where would I go? I mean, honestly, the only thing I can really think of would be, um, back to my dad and my stepmom's, um, wedding.

What the fuck? You use a time machine? Dude, I'm never bringing my time machine around you if I fucking have one.

You want to go see your parents' wedding?

Yeah, you know, I was in it.

Yeah. Imagine this, I get a time machine, I pick up fucking Ilya, I pick up Jason, we're like freaking out, we're in the time machine, we're like, oh my God, this is fucking crazy, we can go fucking anywhere! And then like we're all hyped up and then we're like, let's go pick up Natalie. And then Natalie gets in the car and she goes, let's go back to my stepdad's wedding. Imagine what a fucking vibe kill you would be in this time machine.

I don't understand that.

I just—

I'd be like, are you fucking serious?

I'm thinking, I'm trying to think of a personal memory. Well, you know what, the dinosaurs. Think about it, if I was with the dinosaurs, I would have a Complete. I would internally combust.

No, you wouldn't.

Yes, I would. Yes, I would.

Sounds definitely sounds like a personal problem.

Pterodactyl comes in.

You like dinosaurs that much?

Ow.

I don't want to see shit that I haven't seen. I'm thinking about a personal memory that I—

you wouldn't want to go see dinosaurs? Now, come on. What are you fucking— are you fucking serious?

That would be the sickest thing. Going to see dinosaurs would be the sickest thing.

It'd be the safest thing because they're going to get wiped out by a meteor or whatever happens. They're going to like— and they can't tell anybody that you were there. Like, like, like, that's the best part is when you're with the dinosaurs, You can run into a fucking caveman and it'll be okay. You could show him your time machine and you could drive away and throw him an iPhone and you wouldn't fuck up.

Not going to tweet about it.

No, nothing. That's the best. That's the best time to visit is dinosaur time. But that's crazy. You wouldn't visit that.

Well, I was going to say, I would— if I were like, if I had multiple moments to, like, travel back in time, one of the moments I would choose was when you and I had a competition at Dunkin' Donuts. To see like who could eat the most donuts and then who could throw up the fastest.

Yeah, remember that? That was crazy.

Yo, yo, I was trying, I was trying for like the longest time.

Like I went first and I just kept gagging myself and Dave's like, get out of the way, let me show you how it's done. And like he does it in like 20 seconds. I'm like, of course.

Yeah, of course he beat me at throwing up. How many, how many donuts did you eat? Oh, so many donuts. I mean like probably like 7, 8.

Yeah, we'd go at like 3 AM right when they're about to throw all of them out. And we just—

I've done that. And I did it when I was 46.

Wait, really? Did you do it because you actually needed food?

I did it with you.

Oh, yeah.

Wait, what?

Yeah, I went back to Vernon Hills with me and he did it. He did it with me.

Oh, we should try that again.

So what happens at Dunkin' Donuts is that at the end of the night, fun fact, they throw out all their donuts, but they put them in a bag, like a nice bag.

That's not nice. It's literally a trash bag.

It's a trash bag, but it's a trash bag full of donuts.

Yeah.

Like there's nothing else in it. It's just the donuts they're throwing out. And they put them in the dumpster, and it's a huge bag of assortment of donuts. And all you do is just go into the dumpster and you pull them out and they're yours. And I did it with Ilya and we ate a bunch.

And then it's dangerous, that bag, man. That bag is just like—

so, man, those are, those are the best nights.

Yo, were you there when we— we would do this often. Like, sometimes one time we put it on my buddy Eric's nipples and we just put like the cream from the donuts all over his body. Oh yeah, another time we took the donuts and we drove around neighborhoods and we were just throwing them at people's cars and make this thumping noise. Like, it's like really satisfied, fucking laugh our asses off every time a fucking Boston cream would hit a Corolla and we just fucking start laughing and like, and then, yeah, in the morning. Yeah, in the morning, in the morning, the neighbors would wake up and there'd be donuts everywhere and it'd be like the fucking biker gang struck again. But it was fun.

Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton have reportedly been in prenup talks for months. Dave, would you ever get a prenup?

Um, yeah, I think so.

I guess I got asked for it, to sign a prenup.

What did you say?

I said no.

With your ex-wife?

Yeah.

Whoa, she asked you to sign a prenup?

Yeah, yeah, her dad— her dad sent me one and I was like, I'm not signing this.

Wow, what did she say?

She's like, okay.

Really?

Yeah.

And you were great, you didn't take anything?

No, just that toaster, just the lawn chairs.

Oh, the lawn chairs you took. And I remember we've talked about this on podcast before, Jason's lawyer was literally like Yo, you could take like fucking half this shit. Like, she lives in a nice house and Jason was literally like, I'm good.

No, her lawyer said that to me.

Oh, her lawyer said that?

Yeah, I didn't have a lawyer.

Oh, when you got divorced, her lawyer said to you, you know, you're being like a fucking idiot right now. You can take half the stuff.

I went— I was in there and he put the papers over and he was like all ready for a fight. And I was like, here, just give me the papers. I'll just sign it. And he was like, what? And I was like, yeah. And then he called her outside and he was like, is this some kind of weird move that he's doing. She's like, no, no, he's not crazy.

That's like a power move.

No, it's not. It is not.

No, no, no, it is.

Because you're like, you want her to be your own man.

You're like, fuck it.

It's like a dignity thing. Yeah, it's not real dignity. Yeah, it's like, I don't want your stuff. I'd rather leave my dignity. And I don't own any of this because you paid for all of it. It's that kind of a move. But yeah, no, I guess you're right. I think, I think like the bold me right now would say I'd be cool with signing a prenup. But I think like the lovey-dovey and like the pushover me and like the Yeah. Like the insecure me would go, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not signing a prenup.

Like, right.

This is—

you either love changes everything, right?

Right. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. If I was actually in love and my girlfriend was like, or my wife was like, let's sign a prenup. And to be fair, if I was in love, I would never ask. Now that I'm thinking about it, I would never ask my wife and be like, let's sign a prenup. Fuck no, bro. When I'm in love, I'll fuck— you can literally ask me to dive into a tank of piranhas.

Ladies, fucking come on in. Come get him.

When I'm in love, I'm like, fuck. I'm like, like delusional. Like, I'm like, not there, bro.

A ton of what you might be in love, but they might not be in love.

I know, I know that.

I know that a ton of girls that are listening to this just went, oh, and you're also the most easiest person to like fucking— you're gullible. You're very gullible. I'd be like, I'm in love with you. Like, okay, here's all my money.

Yeah, I am. I'm pretty easy when it comes to that. But just marry Reggie, huh? Just marry Reggie.

Reggie would honestly—

that would be a dream come true.

Reggie, would you make David— would you sign a prenup if David asked you?

Yeah, I actually don't want his money. Oh, yeah.

Honestly, that's what you have to say to David to make him feel okay with not signing the prenup. That's the magic words.

You just want his dick.

Yesterday I was leaving the house and Ilya was parked behind me and Natalie, Reggie, and Ilya are watching a movie and I go, yo, can you move your car? I'm heading out. And I go to my car to sit and I start it, waiting for him to come move it. I sit there for a solid 6 minutes. The dude doesn't fucking move his car.

It's more—

it's more like almost 15 minutes.

It was a long time. I was sitting in this fucking car waiting for him to move his car, and I come back and I'm like, dude, what the fuck? What did you say? No, you were like, can you move your car? And I was like, oh, I thought you said, do you want to spar? And I go, and I go, are you fucking with me? And he goes, and he goes, yeah, I was fucking with you. I wanted— you wanted to see how long it would take. You want to see how long it would take for me to come back.

You really did want him to leave.

Yeah, yeah, I just, I really just tried to hold him back. I was like, whatever, I'm not gonna get up and go back in. I'm sure he'll come by any second. I come back, I come back and he's sitting on the fucking couch asking if I want to spar.

Last night when we were out, I don't know what, like my phone was in my bag and I don't know what happened, but like the SOS thing went off and sent a text with my location and saying Ella, it literally, I'll read you the text, to my 5 emergency contacts, AKA my mom, my dad, my uncle, and my old roommate.

Oh my God.

And it was 3 AM in the morning, and I was like— and they're also kind of awake because they're all like not in, in the US, and— or one of them is, but like he's in the— on the East Coast. And literally, I didn't notice for like an hour, and then I looked at my phone and I literally had a text. Look, this is what it said: Emergency SOS. Ella D'Souza has made an emergency call from the approximate location. You are receiving this message because Ella has listed you as an emergency contact with my location.

Oh, that's really scary.

And I was Fuck. And my parents, like, they live far away, so like, they're always worried. So I was like, oh my God, my dad's going to fucking start calling me. But no one responded. So I'm like, I text them all immediately. It's like, sorry, my phone, like, press something. I'm fine, don't worry. And then I was like, but like, that could be me if I was kidnapped, you know? Oh, someone said, no, no, sorry, I'm all good.

Yeah, this is me as a contact. I'll be there in a fucking hurry.

Okay, great.

My kids as contacts. Maybe I shouldn't have that.

I mean, I don't know what I feel if you're being mugged or kidnapped. Wyatt will come. He's getting pretty big on his hoverboard. All right, guys, well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Make sure to go out and vote. Jason, thanks for joining me and having me.

And David, this has been just a wonderful experience.

I love seeing you once a week for an hour. It's the exact amount that I would like to see.

Why is Taylor pushing me out the door as we do this?

All right, we'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff.