Taking Underwear Off At Massage Parlor

What's up guys? Welcome back to Views. Oh, Natalie just got a text.

Don't read my message.

Matt uses the word tumultuous. That's kind of crazy.

It's a big one.

Yeah.

You are such an invader of fucking privacy.

You're Darth Vader, destroyer of fun and happiness. How does that make you feel? Yeah, Natalie hates when I read her texts.

I would too.

Did I already do the intro or did I just fucking read Natalie's text?

You said Welcome back to Views. Yeah, it was nice. I like an intro like that. I like a chill intro.

Did I just kind of throw it away?

Yeah, but I like that kind of thing. But I mean, maybe the audience doesn't. I think the audience likes it too. I think this episode should be like very not dry. I mean, I have a bunch of topics, but when I'm editing, I feel the need to like make it like, you know what I mean? But I'm not sure what people like. Do people like like a kind of a vibe or do people like, like, just get to it?

I mean, I can obviously slow it down this episode.

I'll probably just chop it up and make you sound faster.

I feel like my thoughts have been too highbrow intellectual recently.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So this audience is—

Let's hold to the last topics of the last podcast.

This audience is for our stupid listeners that can't handle all the genius I've known. I love it.

Highbrow Dave, let's go. What's the most highbrow thing you got going?

Well, we just talked about it. Like, last two episodes, I was trying to leave my body, and I've made no progress since then.

You also talked about a choo choo train.

Yeah, whatever. Cheeky came by recently, which I really want to talk about. Cheeky is our old house cleaner. She started as Jason's house cleaner. She's the cutest, sweetest woman, and she doesn't speak English.

Still?

Did you know that?

She never did.

Okay. For some reason, I didn't know that. She came by and I was like, how are you? And she goes, okay. And I go, wait, what? Because while she was there, when she was at the house, I thought we understood each other perfectly.

While she was at the house, I was just rambling on and on about my life. I would have long Conversations with her.

Wait, Chiqui, you understood nothing I've said? Um, her daughter was there to translate, but yes, this entire time I was like, for some reason in my head I was like, Chiqui knows what I'm saying. I don't know. And it was really, it was really fun just to like see her again. I haven't seen her like 3, 4 years. She was around when like I started vlogging like 7, 8, 9 years ago. So it's really crazy to hear that kind of perspective. I was talking to her about like what are her first memories.

Yeah.

And she said she used to clean for you. And the first time she ever saw me, obviously this has all been translated, but the first time she saw me, I was just like a little kid in your house and she thought I was your intern.

Little did she know I was the intern.

And she said she saw me opening the fridge, looking for food to eat. And the only thing that was in there was her sandwich and she felt bad and she was ready to like pull out a $20 bill from her pocket to give to me because she wanted me to go get food, which I thought was really funny. That's her first memory.

Wow.

Yeah. Intern David at Jason's house. And then she slowly realized, wait, my boss is the intern.

Jason.

Uh, no, no, no.

You take the $20. Yeah. You know what? Thanks, Chiqui.

Um, and then it was really funny. So she has a catchphrase that we, that she would always say is, my husband outside.

Oh yeah.

Yeah. It's like when anybody would, like when she'd hit on anybody or like anybody would hit on her, she'd be like, my husband outside, my husband outside. And it was just like this. It was just like a really funny joke because now thinking back, that is the only English thing she would say. And I called Scott when I was with Cheeki because I was like, I want to show Scott Cheeki. This is so exciting. And he picks up and he goes, Cheeki. And the second thing he says is, my husband outside. And Cheeki's daughter looks at me and she goes, husband's no longer with us. Scott's face goes fucking just so red. Chiqui lost her husband in the last couple of years that we haven't seen her. And it was the most Scott thing to possibly say on the phone, like in the first 10 seconds of speaking to Chiqui after a couple of years.

Husband not outside.

Husband no longer outside.

Her daughter was like, well, no, I don't know if you heard this, but she was like, now he's forever outside.

That's what she said.

Scott took it, I think, way more personally than he should have. I think everybody was okay with it. But the way she said it was really funny and it was really sad. You know, I'm sure they've come to terms with it, so I don't think they're as sad as Scott made it out to be. But it was pretty awesome. But yeah, that's really good to see Cheeky.

I got a massage the other day. Do you like massages? Oh my God, I got one. Do you like massages?

Yeah.

Wait, this has been a whole thing. David has like sworn off massages his whole life and he got one this weekend.

Oh yeah, yeah. You don't like massages because I thought of you when I went to get it. I was like, Dave, what's up with this?

I got one at the strip club.

Yeah.

Oh, are those—

The best massage.

Wait, wait, are those different at the strip club? 'Cause I'm not a lap dance guy, I don't like 'em. Obviously I've had my fair share of falling in love with strippers, we've talked about it on here. But this isn't that situation. I was like so fucking tired and someone gave me a massage. She wasn't a stripper, I think they have like masseuses come around.

They have girls that are, yeah, they're not strippers, they're like dedicated to massaging. And like, it was incredible.

I mean, that's like an over-the-clothes massage, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, she, She had— she put on like lotion on her hands and she was like under my shirt on my shoulders. And then she'd run her finger or run her fingers down and cup my titties.

Wow.

It was fucking— felt so good. You know, the first couple of strokes of my nipples were like kind of bizarre because like, that's like— that is probably my biggest no-no square other than maybe my asshole. That is probably the least— the last place I ever want to get touched.

Yeah.

Like just my titties. I already have like this weird thing about my titties. I'm like, I don't like people seeing them. Looking at them, touching them, for sure. I'm just not a big titty guy. Actually, I am a big titty guy.

Maybe you have a sensation there and you don't want to explore it. Is that what it is?

Yeah, exactly.

Okay.

I don't know, but it was amazing. And this was like at 2, 3 AM. I was so tired and it rejuvenated me like no other. I was ready to go home. And then when I found out you can get these— I feel really bad though, because when do you ask them to stop?

When the money runs out.

I didn't know that either.

Well, how much was it?

$100, right?

I paid— yeah, no. Oh yes, the first one was $100.

Dave's like, the brand paid for it. I don't—

the brand paid for it. The second one was $60. Where did you get your massage?

I went down the street here. Naveen loves massages. She's literally like, if you look at her Explorer page on Instagram, it's just those guys like with their faces in women's vaginas, like cracking their backs and stuff.

That's a different type of massage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. She just loves massage.

Are those the massages your wife is going to?

No, no, no.

Where guys crack their faces in women's vaginas?

I mean, Natalie knows the videos I'm talking about.

I do know them. They don't fill my Discover page.

That's a conversation you got to have with your wife.

I wouldn't say fill, but if you look on her Discover page, there's a few there. There may be 2 or 3. Mine are all ripped dudes.

So when you go to this massage, is it like—

also weird.

Do you take your clothes off?

Yeah. So you go in and she's like, I know this is going to make her day. If I say to her, it's Saturday, I'm like, I'm like, do you wanna go get a massage? And she'd be like, oh my God, can we, can we, can we, can we? And I don't even like it. I don't like it, I don't go in there, I'm so stressed out, I'm like, I fucking don't like people touching me.

That's how I felt too.

I was like, I'll visit at 11 in Miami. And then I was like, well, you can go, I'll drop you off. And she's like, no, no, no, couples massages go together. I'm like, okay, okay. So I go and we get in there, and it's an old woman, she's like 75. Naveen gets a guy, I get an old woman.

Do you get to choose?

No, no, we didn't.

You do usually.

Wait, like, where are you going? Well, at least you're going to a brothel.

At least Naveen should be able to choose.

Oh, yeah, you get to choose male or female, but it's not like a lineup. It's not like, oh, yeah, dude, what are you talking about? The Bunny Ranch. Have you ever seen the Bunny Ranch on HBO?

No.

Is that like real? It was an old reality show. It's basically a brothel and the guys come in.

What's a brothel? Is that where— No, I know if I had to guess, it's where prostitutes are in a house.

Yeah, like, there's a part of Las Vegas where it's considered legal, or part of Nevada. It's outside Las Vegas. And there used to be a show on HBO where the guy would go in and guys would come in and there would be a lineup. They'd bring 8 girls out and the guy would go, I want this one. And then they go back and then you like watch them have sex on HBO.

What the fuck?

What do you watch them have sex?

Yes, the Bunny Ranch.

Full out have sex?

I mean, you know, there's no penetration, but the girl's like up and down on them with no top on.

Jesus Christ.

Oh my God. No way. It's HBO.

Yeah, that's crazy.

You remember HBO?

No, I don't remember HBO.

When you were a kid, you didn't try to like scramble the TV so you could like—

No, I remember like Die Hard with like fucking Jason Statham. What? No, no, not Get Hard with the bunny ranch. Different, different, different movies you guys are watching here.

So anyway, we're going there and, and, uh, you know, they start the massage and it's an old woman on top of me and it gets like really intimate.

Excuse me, what does that mean, on top of you?

Well, like her saggy breasts are like in my back. And then like, which is fine, and then Is that part of the massage? I guess. And then at one point she just pulls my underwear down. She pulls my cheeks down, like, and I'm like, uh, like, I don't know what to do. And Naveen's right there, but Naveen's so off in space. And then she starts rubbing my cheeks, which I thought was a little weird. And then a girl comes in, like another Korean voice comes in just to laugh at you. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I don't know what they're saying in Korean, but I think what they said was like, check out this fat ass, you know? Like, no, no, I think so, because they did giggle.

Illegal. And then what did that woman that came in say?

It was in Korean. I don't know.

Sorry, I'm sorry. Did she stay is what I meant to say. How long was she there for?

She was there for like a minute.

Well, they do that, you know. I went to— when I was, um, because when I go to massage here, I go to like— I have a membership at a massage place that's like a little more like sophisticated. Or you can go to like the Thai spots like that are like— or yeah, that are like hole in the wall.

That's what Naveen likes.

Yes, which are like incredible massages. They like walk on you and much cheaper. Wait, what?

You can go to a whitey massage and pay $200, or you can go to—

Did you just say a whitey massage?

Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like a high-end, like a Burke Williams. It's whitey massage. It's where it's like all white people in there and they charge like $250, $300. But if you go to one of these hole-in-the-walls right by your house, it's like, I think it was $85 for a double massage.

For an hour?

Yeah.

Holy fuck. And you're laying there for a whole hour?

Yeah.

Do you have to take all your clothes off?

No, we leave our underwear on, but like I said, this woman ripped my underwear down.

So did you lay on your back the entire— or lay on on your stomach the entire time?

Yeah, stomach for about 80% of the time. Yeah.

Can you choose to lay on your stomach the entire time?

Mm-hmm.

You can.

You can, but then right about 10 minutes left, they flip you over and they do stuff.

What happens if you actually get a boner during all this? Does that happen?

Sure, people do all the time.

People do it all the time.

Yeah, me and my big dick.

I feel like that would make me panic. I don't know, being touched that long.

I mean, what happens when you go? Do you get a man or a woman?

I always get a woman. I don't like a man massaging me because it feels like I'm just thinking about him touching me the whole time, you know?

Wow.

Yeah, it's like gross.

I've looked over before and like I've seen a guy like literally like working Naveen's like entire backside. I was like, oh my God. And she's— she goes full plant mode. She's just like, oh, but it was good, it was good, it was fine. Yeah, yeah. Hey, damn, I got into Ilya's 5K.

Nice, you did.

Nice, I got accepted.

Hey, are you going? You're gonna run?

Yeah, I'm psyched.

I thought about it, but I was like, I don't want to be slow, But if you're going, maybe that'll make me look better.

Oh, it's on.

It's on.

I'm gonna toast you. Oh my God. I'm gonna toast you.

I haven't run more than a mile in like a while.

I've been hiking every day, but I don't run. I walk.

Sorry, is the plane annoying? Like, should we just close this entirely?

I can't really hear it in the phones, in the cans, but I'm also 80, so I don't know. We were joking last night. We were like, why the fuck does David and Natalie give you that job to run the podcast?

It's crazy that you said that entire sentence in that voice. It was like, it's insane.

They give the job to you.

Yeah. I mean, that is insane.

I mean, I don't mind doing it and I've gotten better at it.

It's also like just listening to the audio.

Well, I've gotten better at the audio. I think.

I mean, I'm shocked we've never had a situation where you didn't hit record. That used to happen so frequently.

That's because we were vlogging. I was like frazzled.

But like so frequently would we record a podcast and it wasn't recording. That was like an ongoing bit in our podcast. Like, here's another one. We're re-recording. And then we'd be like, you should have heard that other episode. It was the best. Yes. Yes. There's so many good episodes that we— Taylor's here. Taylor and I had a really early morning.

We did.

We got up at 9 in the morning to go to the car museum.

I got up at 8.

Okay.

Peterson.

They went to Peterson Auto Museum. They talked me— I told them about my Tesla because they have the Tesla Roadster there and they have a little plaque there and it says 2017. That's when the car was announced. So that means 8 years ago I paid $250,000 for this car. So imagine $250,000 just sitting there, not gaining interest, not working for you, nothing. It's a big waste of money. It's a big waste of money. That's like some people's full bank accounts. That's not doing anything.

I mean, yeah, it's an incredibly large amount of money.

So incredibly dumb. And they told me, like, the car experts there, I mean, I'm assuming they're all car experts because they work at a car museum, but they're like, I don't think it's ever going to come out. You should get your money back.

Really?

So I think I may put an end to the ongoing joke of the Tesla Roadster and get my money back because it's just like, it's no way for money to sit.

Well, like, if it came today, would you be stoked?

Of course. If it came next year, I'd be stoked. But like, it's just like, I don't know, I just have like, I have this thing where every time I do something, the opposite happens when it comes to money.

Yeah.

So like investment, every time I pull out, stocks fly. Every time I invest, stocks plummet. And this just feels— this feels like it's like perfectly timed for me to pull out and the car's announced. And then you can't— you can't just go back in. You lose your spot line, everything.

Like if a car came out and it was suddenly had like a street value of like $400,000, would you sell it?

No, because you get sued by Tesla. Oh, but like, I have a feeling that the car will come out. It'll be at $500,000 because it'll be that much more expensive now.

Right.

But I have a feeling they'll honor the people that came in early and put the $250,000 in. I think that would be the appropriate thing to do. I don't know.

Oh, you think they're going to charge more for it?

Fuck yeah. $250,000 was like the 2017 price. That car, if it can fly like people are saying it's going to be able to do— Elon said it's going to be able to fly.

We're going to fly down to—

I mean, even if you guys did fly down to go—

I just want to fly off the hill. Here would be so nice.

Okay, yeah, this car's definitely not coming out. That's not going to be legal for another decade.

Are you sure? We have those fucking self-driving cars in LA now. I feel like shit's coming.

Yeah, we have Waymos.

Yeah, shit's happening here.

Even that aspect of a flying car that I've seen, it looks so janky. It just like lifts.

No, no, no.

And then it like goes.

There's some crazy cars in China that are like fucking spinning around on their 4 tires. And now cars can jump, so they're not technically flying, but they're like bunny hopping. I wanted to bring this up. I didn't— I feel like last episode we talked about me being robbed.

Yeah.

And then when we finished talking about it, I was like, we really didn't make it a big deal. It was kind of funny. Did I show you the videos?

Yeah.

Yeah. It was like a full-on robbery. Robbery.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. But you tend to do that and you're not in your body.

So you think I was— you think I was having one of those out-of-body moments there?

I mean, you're so such a pacifist. Maybe.

But like, my roommates are taking this robbery like way harder than anybody I've ever seen. Like, Ilya has— Ilya has bought new weapons. Yeah, he got a gun safe. He's putting all us— he's putting all of us on the gun safe with fingerprint scanners. So all the roommates have access. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. He's taking it so, so, so seriously.

Yeah.

And it's like, which I get, but it's like, I don't believe in one thing happening and then all of a sudden you have to reprogram everything. Like I've had the same aspect of robberies my entire life and I still have that same viewpoint. Like just because I got robbed doesn't mean all of a sudden I'm going to be fucking lame and be like, I'm worried now. Like, I just don't think that's how things work. Like, I think you just stick to what you know.

Yeah. Like if I got robbed, I don't think I could return to my home.

Yeah. Well, you have that serial killer running around your house.

Wait, I found out that that is false.

Yeah, me too.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

The cop said there was one killing, but there is no serial killer in LA.

Oh, I texted our fellow police officer that has come to the house, whatever, multiple times whenever we have an incident.

Wait, I saw that text.

I texted him and I was like, hey, we've heard some things about this serial killer in the neighborhood. Is it true? Can you tell me anything? Whatever. He's a legitimate, like, LAPD. And then he texts me back the most fucked up thing, which I thought was so funny. I sent this to you guys. He texts me back, he goes, 'Which one?' And I responded, I was like, 'There's more than one.' And I just thought that was like—

what did he mean by 'which one'?

I don't know, he didn't— he totally ignored that. And then he was like, he was like, 'Just call.' He's like, 'No, the news is wrong, the social media is incorrect. There was one killing. This is not a serial killer,' blah, blah, blah.

Damn. Yeah, that's crazy. Well, now we know Natalie's safe. I'm safe.

I feel better.

Really?

I live next Natalie too.

Yeah. Yeah.

But the reason I want Taylor here is because I've realized that Taylor has like morphed into me.

Oh my God, just realizing.

No, I'm not just now realizing, but like, Taylor—

okay, but there's some things that you get from me.

No, there's not much I get from you.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I've just realized that a lot of Taylor's hobbies are all my hobbies. Like, Taylor loves Marvel, like a lot, and I think she got that from me. And then what's that syndrome when you've been captive for too long?

Well, there's Stockholm syndrome.

I think Taylor has Stockholm syndrome of the workplace.

This is called mirroring, modeling, or personality mirroring.

Oh, wow. I think that's what Taylor's doing because I drink this Celsius, this specific blue Celsius in the morning, and Taylor's so attached to that same one. Like this morning I saw her like digging through the shelf. She's like, where's the blue Celsius? I really need it. It's the only one that wakes me up. And I'm like, there's 15 different flavors. Why are you choosing the one that I also I love it so much.

What if I loved it first?

No, you didn't. And then, and then I was telling her, I was like, well, maybe you should try the Strawberry Passion because that's my second favorite flavor, and maybe you'll like it as your second favorite. And she's like, no, I don't like that one. And I was like, just give it a try. And then she tries and she goes, it's actually not bad. I don't know, I'm just starting to think that Taylor, you're just, you're just stealing my things.

No, well, we just, we, I think that, you know, Obviously we've spent a lot of time together, so like you do some things that are from me.

Yeah. Okay. What?

You started meowing.

Yeah, I do meow.

I heard you say seriously the other day.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. That's my argument.

That's all I got.

Okay.

But those are like catchphrases. Like, that's easy to adopt from a person. I'm saying like, what has like ingrained into my personality from you?

This is a tough question.

Oh, and of course, obvious. This is the most obvious one is she's always tired when I'm tired and she always has energy when I have energy all the time. And it's like I can come in and I'll be like, I'm beat. And then she'll all of a sudden be like, I'm so tired today. I don't know why. But if I come downstairs and I'm like, I slept really good, she'll be like, I'm like, me too, actually.

Well, that's because like when you are more energetic, it just wakes me up.

And when you start yelling, I tend to start moving.

Okay, all right, that makes sense.

I mean, you create that. I understand why Taylor is like that.

It's your house, you set the tone.

Okay, I see.

Dude, I bought a house that had a view because you had a view.

Wait, what?

Yeah, I literally bought that house because like, remember your first house had that crazy view, and then I saw it and I was like, oh, I have to get a view. And now I'm like, I know, I know. I'm just saying, like, you create that sort of vibe where it's like you're so much fun that if you kind of go along with the fun, like, kind of— sorry, drink the Kool-Aid.

I'm like, yeah, this sounds like drinking the Kool-Aid.

You know what I mean? It's just like the movies the other night. It's like, you know, you want people to like hang out and have fun, and it is, it is worth staying late to watch the movie because you are that much fun. So yeah, I could see There's all kinds of things that I've done.

Natalie saying— sorry, sorry. This reminds me of Natalie saying the most yes-man thing ever in the car. Yeah, we were talking about— we were talking about— I was reading the Reddit and someone was like, there's so many ads that interrupt the podcast. And I was like, Natalie, for the love of God, get rid of all the fucking ads. I don't want them to interrupt anything. And Natalie's like, every podcast is interrupted by ads. And then I'm like, so why are people complaining about ours being interrupted by ads? And she's like, because it's so good, there's nothing else to complain about. That is the most yes man thing I've ever fucking heard.

I just wanted you to shut up and stop complaining about dumb stuff.

No, that makes me complain more because I'm like, have I just been fed lies everywhere?

You know what I heard?

What?

That the Golden Globes are now— they're going to have an award for the best podcast.

What?

Oh, really?

The Golden Globes?

Oh my God.

I believe so. Yes.

That's insane.

That's crazy. Not this year, I think, but like I mean, you have to have a video.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right?

Like, why would the Golden Globes do something just for like sound?

No, it's got to be video.

Imagine a Grammy for best podcast.

Wow, you could do it.

Audio-only podcast.

We talk about diarrhea and orgies and the Bunny Ranch. Thank you.

It's treated really seriously, just like, and of course This year for the podcast, Natalie gets big dick nudes.

Yeah, the best episodes. And the nominees are for best podcast episode: Natalie's Orgy, Jason's Threesome, or Naveen's Boobs. Ben Affleck announcing, it's Naveen's Boobs. Oh shit, not Ben Affleck. Wow, that's crazy. I just did that.

That's so funny because I always love I love Ben Affleck. And then when he comes on in the house, like, you know, it comes on TV or something where we have to fill in people.

Why? That's a problem. Are we allowed to talk about it?

I mean, I don't know. I have to— I'll check with Naveen. Okay, well, she's not gonna care.

That was completely on accident. That's funny.

Really funny.

Naveen and Ben Affleck.

Well, like, I grew up in Boston, right? So Ben Affleck's like a hero.

Oh, so this is like— yeah, wow. So this is like the worst guy she could have possibly—

yeah, I mean, I don't, I don't look at it like that, but yeah, yeah. I mean, like, I've always— my mom will call me and update me on what Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are up to all the time, and it's like something we share.

Yeah, because Naveen and Ben Affleck matched on a dating app.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did they ever go on a date?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn, you can't watch anything, huh? You can't even order from Dunkin' Donuts anymore.

It doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me that much. I'm kind of like, I'm in good company.

No, for sure. That's really funny that that's the person I just chose. That must have been my brain putting things together. That's an amazing, it's an amazing person to be. I've been watching Ben Affleck. Did we go on about him for the next 20 minutes?

No, he's great. I mean, I think he's awesome.

Why are you— why are you going like this with your hand? You want me to cut it out?

No, I don't care.

Regardless, what you want?

You know, you talked about choo-choo trains the other day and like the meaning of choo-choo train. Yeah, I had the same moment the other day. Last night I was lying in bed, I got up and I ran to my phone to type this out.

Yes, I love this.

Tossed salad.

Okay, okay, good.

Toss someone's salad. I never thought about it.

Okay, can I try to figure it out?

Yeah.

Yeah. To toss someone's salad is to oral— is to have oral sex with them?

Yeah.

Why'd you say yeah? That's so weird.

It's like to put your tongue in someone's ass.

What?

Isn't it? Put your tongue in someone's ass or penis in someone's ass. That's to toss their salad, right?

Okay, regardless, what does it mean?

Well, like, then I really thought about it and I was like, oh, like, oh, you like put the tongue in there so you're like mixing it up. And then—

Oh, Jesus Christ.

The penis is like a—

Like the Parmesan cheese?

Yeah. Or like a pepper shaker.

Oh, I don't know if this one feels a little bit like a stretch.

Okay, all right, let's move on.

First of all, this isn't gonna win us that Golden Globe, so we need to dial it in if we're gonna do this.

The fact that he had this thought and ran to his phone—

I got it!

It was so good at night.

The penis is the pepper shaker.

Was someone tossing your salad when you had this thought?

Yeah, was it a penis inside your asshole?

Oh my God, I love seeing Jake Paul on your story.

Why? Well, it Just an interesting, like, person.

No, I just like— I like seeing you guys together. It was like, oh, it's like two of my favorites, like, together, like, two, like, internet guys that I loved. And then I like when people from the internet hang out. And then the— and then the bit was really funny, and then it made me like, I mean, I want to see a whole video. I want to see, like, I want to see him actually play you in pickleball.

I think it is— it's so funny when people, like, from different parts of the internet interact. Yeah, I always think that's so interesting. Like, Jake and me are very opposite sides of the internet, even though we're not really, but like, it is— it is funny when I get with them. And I always say He's like the sweetest.

I love people that have like accomplished enough, accomplished a lot, and they're still fun.

Yeah. I wanted to talk about, since Shiki was here, I was kind of reminiscing on like old vlog bits. And we always have, we like Natalie and I keep a list of vlog bits.

Yeah.

Like that we want to do. And honestly, I kind of hate like all of these. So let me just read you some of the ones that we never got to do. I don't hate them.

I just, it's just like David will say something and I'll just write it down. Yes, over the past like 7 years.

Jesus, it's a big doc.

What do you mean?

It must be a big document.

Oh wow, it actually is a lot.

Yeah, it's a lot.

This idea is so good. Oh my God, I wish we did this. I wish we did this. This idea would have been so funny with, uh, young Vardhan. So I guess I can say it now because I don't— I don't know, he won't listen to this, so I'm gonna say it. Picking up Vardhan with a celeb and telling him not to tell anyone because of paparazzi. And then half paparazzi show up regardless and blame Vardan. I think that's really funny. Like, Vardan, did you fucking tell them? Did you tell them we were with Justin Timberlake?

No, no, no, no, no, no, I swear to God, no, I didn't.

One of my favorite ideas that I really want to do. Oh my God, this would have absolutely obliterated. It would have been so fun. This is the only idea I think that I'm like, but now I would never do because it's so fucking and it's so out there. The one idea I really wanted to do that we never got to do— have you ever seen To Catch a Predator? Yeah, with Chris Hansen. I really wanted to like go to Saddle Ranch, have a girl that's like 20, 25 hit on like Scott or Zane or whatever.

Oh, I remember this.

Yes. And then, and then they go back to her house later and then Chris Hansen comes out and he's like, you have any idea how young this girl is? And just send them into fucking— make them think they're on To Catch a Predator. Oh my God, I would— I would fucking die for that.

We gotta have a guy my high school on Catch a Predator.

No, really?

Yeah, he's a big actor now. No, no, but he was on there.

Wait, what? What? Which one was he? I see like every episode.

I don't want to say his name, but my favorite—

there was an episode where— so Chris Hansen, like, it's always the guy comes in, he talks to the girl, and then Chris Hansen walks out with like a notebook and he's like— or like he has all the documents of the guy talking to the girl and he's like, what are you doing here? What are you doing here? Why are you— did you know how old this girl was? And the best is like, he walks out once and he's like, I'm Chris Hansen. The guy's like, no, you're not. And he's like, yes, I am. He's like, no, you're not. He's like, yes, I am. It's just people in denial about it. And then there's this one guy who brings a pizza and then he's like so uncomfortable that he starts eating the pizza in front of Chris Hansen. And Chris is like, you're just gonna, you're just gonna eat the pizza? And he goes, I'm hungry. Some of the best episodes. Well, all right, let me read some more ideas here. We have waking up Zane with the Pussycat Dolls performance. That's real. Really good. Oh, this one's good. Jonah was— Jonah's a big fan of Aubrey Plaza, and we wanted to— and he's really awkward with women, so we wanted to do a bit where he would be stuck in an elevator with Aubrey Plaza. Oh, he'd like get really nervous. Um, giving Jack a huge deal and then taking it away. That's funny. That's telling my manager that we made a lot of money and then telling him it's not real. Um, oh, this was going to be fun. Prank Fallon. Pranking Jimmy Fallon by having a bad celebrity guest come on, like just having a celebrity guest like give a really shit interview. I feel like I've never really seen that.

How would you orchestrate that? You—

the the celebrity guest would also have to be in on it.

Oh, he's just really bad.

Yeah, or he's like not giving him anything. That's great. Tie Jason to a palm tree. Remember this one?

Oh, we tried that.

You don't remember? Oh my gosh, we actually tried doing this one. We buried you in the backyard, and we loved that bit so much that we were like, can we— at my old house there was like a cliff.

Yeah.

And outside of the cliff were these 4 palm trees, and we had this idea to duct tape you to one of the palm trees like 30 feet in the air. You remember? Oh yeah, yeah. And we had like the tree guys come, and the verdict was that Jason would actually have to climb up there on zone to get there. Yeah, that's why we couldn't do it.

Yeah, I bought the spikes for your shoes.

Really?

Yeah, and the nails for your coffin.

Uh, airplane coming down. So I have this clip of Ilya agreeing, um, to go down in an airplane. Yeah, if that makes sense. Well, Ilya's scared of skydiving.

Sure.

So I told him, I was like, do I have your permission to fool you into into jumping out of an airplane one day.

Yeah.

And I'm like, it could be in 2 years, it could be in 3, it could be in 10. You'll never know. But one day there you will be on a flight and it will be going down and we'll have to jump. And he gave me permission. So that's an idea that still could happen.

Still in play.

That could be 20, 30 years. So we're so good with that. I mean, yeah, there's so many ideas. This idea just keeps— this, this list just keeps going on.

On.

It's just hard. It's hard to—

remember when you would hire people to come up with ideas and you couldn't— no one could come up with anything?

I don't think we ever got— do we ever get any idea from a person?

We never got one idea from an outside person.

No. And that's— dude, that's my least favorite part with Natalie, is like—

and good writers too.

Yes, good writers.

Yeah, yeah, nobody got it.

It's kind of hard to— it's not like the vlogs are hard to come up with, but it's such like a weird specific thing.

Yeah.

Like the dumbest idea can be so great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's just kind of— I don't know, it's kind of difficult. And we have to feel feel it. Like, me and you have to be excited about it, or else it's like, right, it doesn't really work. But that's what I hated about Natalie. Every time, like, I'd be like, I can't keep doing the vlogs, like, I, I fucking have to stop, I'm running out of ideas. Now it would be like, let's just hire people to help you write. I was like, we've tried that 4 fucking times. Yeah, like serious writers. And every time we have a writer's room of like 5 people, we spend a couple thousand dollars, and that's, that's you though. Nobody comes up with anything. What do you mean?

I think it's you.

I think it was you, just me shooting ideas down?

Yeah, you just— you just— if, if something like isn't like— that's why your stuff's so good, is because if it doesn't like come from your heart, and then you don't do it. Yeah, you know what I mean? So there was— there could be the best idea sitting in front of you and you just be like, nah, it— it— you have to like completely—

that sounds more like an ego thing. Like if I didn't come up with the idea, I didn't want to do it.

Is that— no, that's not true, because you took ideas from me, you took ideas from Natalie, you took ideas from Mia, you took ideas from any of us. You take lots of ideas.

I feel like I— yeah, I feel like you guys understood completely Like, the best was when, like, Jonah would come in and transform my house.

Oh yeah.

Or when you'd get, like, into makeup. Oh yeah. Like, just those days would feel so good where I'd be like, we don't have to work today. It's just like, feels so like those would come like once every 2 weeks. There'd be a bit that was just so fucking easy, right? Like driving around with you as an alien and then getting Madison Beer in the car.

Yeah.

Like, and all I literally have to do is point and shoot because you were so funny at being in costumes. Like that was— those were the fucking best.

Yeah, those are fun. Do you remember when you were talking about when streamers come to your parties?

Yes.

You described it so well.

Wait, what did I say?

You said it's like a terrorist in your house. Oh my God. You're like, I gotta let him in. And you gotta like, you just, you're just there like, yeah, have fun. Okay. Is he streaming to 30,000 people?

It is so funny. Yeah, that is exactly the way. And that was one of the worst situations we've ever gotten ourselves into. I lost, I lost a lot of money because we let a streamer in here once.

Yeah.

And it, uh, it ended in a fight, or one-way fight.

Yeah. Yeah.

And yeah, it costs like hundreds of thousands of dollars. You? Yes.

You got sued?

No, I didn't get sued. Deals were pulled because they were like, okay, this party's dangerous, like we can't have have. Now it's fine. Now we've gotten our good faith back with like the companies that we were doing that. But like that incident literally lost like half a million dollars worth of things here. And not to mention it was a fucked up incident like alone.

I'm gonna stop subscribing. I'm out.

But yeah, yeah, no, that is exactly what it is. Like when a live streamer comes up to you, you're like, I mean, it's especially you like you're fucked.

You're You're so, like, well-known too, so it's like, oh, it's just like extra shit on the line when someone points a camera in your face.

I'm getting better at, like, saying no.

You should say no.

Like, I'm always down to do a picture, but then people will be like, can we do like a fun video? I'll be like, ah, yeah, I'll make that sound. I'm like, I don't know, I just don't like making videos.

Yeah. Now, you know how like David, he like says something like really cutting?

Like, to your heart?

Yeah. Like, really mean?

No, not mean. Like, sometimes you're really good at, like, you'll say something really cutting or something really insightful. But it was this one moment, like, a month ago, I was complaining to you, and I was like, man, nobody calls me back. Scott doesn't call me back. Joe doesn't call me back. And you were eating your sandwich, and you just go, do you think it's your age? Oh my God. It stuck with me for like 2 weeks.

Wait, really?

But you weren't trying to be mean. You were just stating facts and you just said it off the cuff. And I was like, oh, do you think it's your age?

I mean, I've been thinking. I'm trying to think why I would say that. It doesn't sound like—

to me, it was just like you were just getting to the heart of it. You're just like, well, that's maybe what it is.

That is kind of funny. Maybe I could see why I would say that, but I could also see that I'm definitely meaning it in a goofy way.

Yeah, maybe, maybe you did.

But yes, and regardless, Jay, I have a question. Now grab the mic. I have something I want to bring up, and I don't want anybody in this room to get mad at me.

I know it's about me.

No, it's not about that. Why the fuck would I preface with don't get mad at me? My literal whole existence of my life is for you to get agitated. Yeah, yeah, I would not tell you not get mad at me. I'd welcome it.

But loves poking the bear.

Jay, about to poke you in the audience here.

What do I do?

No, nothing.

Nothing.

I just don't want you to get mad at me.

Okay. Oh, you're dropping 2 weeks to a podcast a week?

Yes.

Oh, you first.

Really?

No, no, no, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let's just—

can we just talk about it? Can we just talk?

We were doing so good. We were starting to— the Golden Globes, man. We're going to the Golden Globes.

Can we just talk about it?

Shepherd is going down.

Can we just talk about it?

It's 2 a week.

Just is like a little bit a lot.

No, it's definitely twice as much as what we were doing before.

Yes.

It's not a lot. No, it's so easy.

Are you Okay, it's there. Just wanted to—

I literally came—

just wanted to—

hello? Just a little bit. Oh my God, oh my God, I'm going to lose my house.

I'm going to lose my house.

I got to move.

Do not pull this.

I got to go, I got to go. Oh my God, we have to sell. Oh, I got to fix the foundation. Hold on, hold on. Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay. No, no, no, it was doing so good. We have such momentum.

Jay, put the knife down.

Okay, wrestle it out of my hand.

Okay, listen, I'm not saying— I'm not putting—

no, no, be honest. Go ahead. You can—

if you want to stop putting my foot down here, I, I, I'm just saying, why don't you want to do two? I just like— there's a lot of travel coming up. Yeah. And I think when I made the decision to go to, which was 3 weeks ago. Yeah. I just didn't have much to do. And now I'm really worried. Like, I leave— I just told Jason that I leave, um, Monday for, for a trip. And then he's like, when do you come back? And I'm like, Monday. And then this entire time for the last 2 hours Jason has thought I leave for a trip Monday and return that same day. And about an hour ago he just found out that he actually— that I'm actually leaving for a week. So, so like that kind of stuff is going to be tough because that means we need to record this podcast, which we've already kind of done, and 2 more podcasts before I leave. Like it's kind of difficult for guys who, you know, that is took 3 years off because they couldn't talk to each other any longer. So I just want to— I just want to put that out there.

Okay.

Okay. And here's the thing, audience, don't get mad because at least we gave you some bonus episodes. And, and, and what if we just do— what if there's always like a secondary one that's maybe a surprise? Like we have the energy in us, but maybe it's not something that we're necessarily committing to. Jay's like, I don't know if that's like the right approach. Right, right. It should be all or nothing.

One is not enough, I don't think. What is like— well, what, what are we doing? Maybe one's enough. I don't know.

I don't know.

Okay, I'm loving two.

Can we just revisit the question again? Please let us know.

Wait, who's letting us know?

The audience? Yeah. And stop it. Stop emailing David and telling him that the podcast is messed up. It really fucks my day up. Yeah, I got a text today. It says some kid was like, fix your shit, dog, podcast is cut off.

Yeah, he goes, the end is cut off. And Jason comes in today and he goes, fuck Jeremy. I'm like, who's that? He goes, that's that fucker that DM'd you saying the podcast was off at the end. It's not off, I checked. Yeah, you guys, sorry, that's also my fault for forwarding it to Jason, but Jason goes into a panic when I send him something wrong with the podcast.

Yeah.

And then luckily it was fixed. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you, Natalie, for joining us. Thank you, Tay Hudson, for joining us. Hehe, that was Taylor and Jason. Go listen to his other podcast called All Good Things. Bye-bye. Bye.