Stranger in My Driveway

What's up guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast. That's my last expression of creativity left because I don't make sure only expression of creativity, that and Call of Duty. Call of Duty.

Yeah.

Goddamn. Jason's been so pissed. I've been fucking playing Call of Duty.

Done with your Call of Duty.

Why don't you show some respect to your veterans? I roll the intro music. Okay. This is weird.

What happened?

Let's get it right off the bat. Um, I ordered tacos today.

Sure.

And in my bag of food, like where like the taco and everything was, they gave me a straight up toilet paper roll, like a full toilet paper roll.

That's fucking gross.

You could tell.

So gross.

You could tell it's not used, but it is gross. And now I'm thinking, I'm like, would the food place actually do it? Or is the delivery guy like trying to get some extra points and he like put it in there on his own, which even makes me think that's even grosser.

Call the place right now and find out.

"Who did this? Who put this fucking toilet paper roll?" It's cute, but it's just weird. I understand the premise.

Yeah.

The other day, I broke my phone. Aw, you poor baby. Shut up, Natalie. Um, this is serious. Like, I haven't backed my phone up in, like, 2 years. So every contact— I know this sounds dramatic, but I feel like I've gotten the majority of my work life done in the last 2 years. That's where the most progress has been.

You met David Blaine?

I met David Blaine, so I have David Blaine's assistant phone number in my phone. Very important to have.

Crazy.

Natalie, not now.

I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.

Anyway, so yeah, so it's really important for me to have my phone contacts and nothing was backed up. I haven't backed it up in over a year and a half. So last night it was like 10 o'clock. I ordered food. My food was coming to my house and I wanted to go outside and I wanted to check to see if the gate was open so the guy can get in. And my car was the only way to open the gate and the gate wasn't open. So I had to open the gate, but I haven't driven my car in so long that my car was completely dead, and it was parked too far from the charger where I couldn't plug in, so I couldn't turn back on. It was just dead. So I was like, fuck, okay, I'm screwed. But as I was out there, I also noticed a guy who had his car parked right up against my gate on the other side and was just waiting for me. And he was like, hello. He was, hello. And I go, hi. This is 10 o'clock at night. Hi. And he goes, um, I'm just wondering, uh, I've talked to your other neighbors, but your Ford— do you own that Ford Bronco? Because it's unlocked, and I just I want to make sure that no one steals anything from it. It's a ridiculous thing to come up and say to a person at 10 o'clock at night. Yeah, especially because the Ford Bronco is basically a fucking convertible. So what the hell would we have in that car? It doesn't matter if it's unlocked. That's how it— that's how it lives, is it's unlocked. So yeah, so I got freaked out. So I'm like, I don't know what this guy wants. And I told him that. I was like, okay, thank you. And then instead of leaving, he went and he parked right by the Ford Bronco and stayed in his car with the lights on, just waiting for me, I think, to go check if the car was unlocked. So I was like, okay, fuck it, I'm not gonna go. I'm not going out the front door. So I called my— I called my Postmates guy and I was like, stay, don't come to my house, stay at the bottom of the street, do not come up to the street. And I gave him new like coordinates or like a new street to meet me.

Coordinates? What are you in the fucking CIA?

Meet me at 34, 67, 5 east longitude. No, I had him meet me on another street. So, and he was kind of freaked out. He was like, okay, what are you saying? He was a little bit confused. I was like, don't worry, I'll explain. And then I hung up and I felt bad that I like, I stressed him out. So I was like, okay, I gotta get to this guy quick or he's gonna be like, sketch down, he's going to leave. So I went instead of going from the front of my house, I went from the back. Like the back of my house is just a hill. Like my— I have like a view where it overlooks like a hill and it's like a pretty steep drop down to my neighbor's. And it was rainy. It was like it rained like 20 minutes before. So I kind of slid down the hill. I was like sliding down the hill, like on my ass, like I was getting really dirty going down this hill. And then I got to my neighbor's property line where my property line and his connect. There's a fence. So my goal was to hop over into his backyard and go through his backyard and out to the main street so I could avoid this guy that's sitting outside my house. Yeah. So I got, I got to the property line and I hopped the fence. I hopped the fence over to my neighbor's backyard at 10, like 10:15 at night, whatever it was. And, and right as I jumped—

this is the reverse of Postmates, by the way.

Yeah. Like they're supposed to come to your door.

Yeah.

And make it easy. Yeah.

This is the part of the movie that like should have taken 1 minute to get through, but it takes like 30 minutes, right?

So then, so then I hop the fence, but as I hop his fence to his backyard, I didn't realize there was another hill, and I tripped, and I literally tumble like 3 times. I tumble, and then my phone, my phone flies out of my fucking hand, and like in slow motion, obviously, like that's how I'm seeing everything at this point, in slow motion, lands right into the middle of the fucking pool. Like right in the middle of his pool. Like, yeah, it made the perfect sound, and my phone is cracked, so it's not waterproof. It's not like a regular iPhone. So I didn't waste any time, so I fucking jumped into the pool immediately, like jumped right into the middle of the pool. I completely— it was pretty deep, it was like more than I could stand. So my— everything, like everything was wet. Like I went down there because I had to go grab it. And only imagine.

And then I come out of there, Taylor leaves you for 5 minutes, this is what happens to you.

Yeah. And then I, and then I come out of the pool, I'm drenched, my phone is fucking not turning back on, and, and I have to go. And now I hop my neighbor's fence right, to go back out to the main street, trying not to wake anybody up as I'm fucking panicking.

Yeah, how did the neighbors not hear you? Just—

I don't know, if it wasn't even for the splash. I know, like, as I was bouncing down the hall, it was like— like, I know I was making sounds as I was falling down that hill. And then I, um, got my Postmates driver— like, I flagged him down. Like, like, like, I flagged him down. Like, I flagged him down like I stumbled out of the woods after, like, there was a murderer chasing me and I finally found a main road. Like, that's what it looked like. And like, and like the water that was like dripping down me, like, felt like it was just blood.

Like, and then, uh, chicken tandoori for David.

Yeah. And then this guy picked me up and I was like, can you please just drive me back up to my house?

Like, right. And then what happened? Was he there?

Um, he drove me back and my assistant Taylor also showed up to open the gate. So we both got there and the guy was still out at the Bronco. But once the two cars pulled up, he left. He left right after that because they pulled up to my house.

So he probably thought like, so fucking scary.

So scary. And that's why I'm saying, please don't fucking come to my house. Please stop coming to my house. That's the moral of the story. I broke my foot. Phone because you fucking people keep coming to my house.

Yeah, don't come. If you do hire a third assistant, you should get somebody like an ex-CIA guy.

Yeah, girl, to get me Chipotle and/or kill people. Yeah, you're gonna be picking up food and/or assassinating.

I can only imagine the internal dilemma. Like, I was passed out, and like, I can only imagine you just like pacing back and forth, like trying to plan, like, what, what am I gonna do? And then you come up with— you're just going so crazy in your own head that like you come up with this extreme plan to just run down the fucking backside of it.

I know, it was bad. It was, it was super dramatic. And, you know, like, I was like really smart too.

Like, as I was hopping the first fence, you were like, I got him this time.

I hopped over the fence and I threw my phone over on the other side because I'm like, I don't want my phone to crack, so I'm going to put it there. I'm going to have it land in the dirt. And then I jumped over the fence and I picked my phone up. But right after I picked up my phone, that's when I started my tumble, like right by the pool. Yeah, it was, it was a complete fucking disaster.

Your neighbor, see if there's a camera back there.

I don't know. There's no way there's a camera.

Wouldn't you love to have it?

Oh my God, bro, I probably look like a fucking idiot.

I'd pay thousands and thousands of dollars to see that video.

It was me too. It felt like—

I wonder if they have security cameras.

The one time you've come out of the house in 5 weeks, you end up in the pool.

It felt like a movie, like, I don't know, was it Disturbia where there was someone like— where someone was like locked in the basement or something and like the main character is like finally getting out but they're still like running into these like ever— like, you're like, come on, just get the fuck out of the house already. Yeah, but every step they take, like, there's one more thing that's going wrong, right? That's what it felt— it felt like a horror movie. And I was just like, I cannot believe my phone is landing in the pool right now.

Don't come to the house.

Please don't come to the house.

David will end up drowning. Well, it's a little sadder in here today, guys.

Natalie had an idea to foster a dog, so we had a dog living with us for like 2 weeks. We named her a bunch of different names, um, and today we had to give her up. It was really sad when we were giving her up too. It's like We put her on, 'cause today she was being adopted by her forever home, and we put her on the ground, and you could tell that she kind of just wanted to stay with us.

Yeah.

'Cause she didn't know the new people yet.

After she pulled away and she was gone for good, how did you feel?

I literally, I kid you not, I felt a piece of my heart crack because it was so sad and so upsetting.

And what about you, David?

I opened a Red Bull and I stuffed down 2 Twinkie bars.

No, David was actually really, really sad too.

That was super sad.

David, I liked you a lot more with the dog.

What the hell? The dog left like 6 hours ago.

Now it's cold in here. Now it's like, oh. Like normally, like if you guys, when you guys are fighting or something, then I can look down at the cute little dog and be like, oh, it's all good.

It's a family. Oh, that is interesting.

It's a vibe.

It is kind of like, I see what you mean, but it's like the pee pads around the house and like the constant puddles I'm stepping into. Right. That's the part that makes me feel maybe this isn't a home. Why does this feel like a rainforest? That's the vibe I get. But she was really good. I was— I'm glad we got to foster a puppy.

Well, maybe you can do it again.

I'm down to foster another puppy.

Yeah, you can do another puppy.

Yeah.

Nice.

Hey, you know what I learned the other day? I learned this on TikTok.

Yeah.

And it's really interesting. When you ask questions that can be responded to in yes or no fashion, your voice goes up. So it's like, do you have a dog? Like, so here, do you have a dog?

Yes.

Right, it goes up. But now if I go If it's a question that you answer that's not yes or no, it's gonna go, what breed is your dog? Oh.

Scan has completed.

Yeah. Sorry, I know you guys fucking hate this.

Bro, you gotta turn that shit off.

I just wanna be happy.

Dude, you're fucking, it's so frustrating, guys. I can't, I don't know what to say.

Podcast is over.

I'm ending the podcast. I don't know how to explain this, but Jason's computer keeps saying things and it's like, scan completed. Like some weird shit like that. Like he got a virus on his computer.

How weird is that? It's not that weird. Scan completed. It's not a virus. It's just like—

It's definitely a virus. It keeps saying it. What do you mean? Over and over again, it goes scan completed, looking for more damages in software. It keeps saying that shit over and over again. And we keep looking at Jason like, bro, turn that shit off. And he doesn't know how. It's just a virus.

Here, take your smelly toilet paper.

And it's so annoying. It's so annoying. You would get a virus.

Exactly, that's what the funniest part. That's why we're laughing at you. It's not because we're ganging up on you, it's because like, how the hell?

Especially because, yeah, because like Macs are like famous for like very rarely getting viruses. So it's really—

it's not a virus. Something got installed on there. It's like a, it's like a, um, that's a virus. It's not a virus.

Yes, it is. It's like a pop-up.

Yeah, it's a pop-up, right?

Yeah, that's a virus. Yeah, like coronavirus. Jay, if you, if you die, what do you want to be remembered by?

Uh, just my kids.

Really? That's it?

That's it.

That's your legacy? It's just your kids?

Yeah, I don't have—

but what do you want your kids to remember?

Used to be like that. I used to have like a lot of ego and stuff. I don't have it.

Okay, but what do you want your kids to remember you by? And don't say being—

that was a good dad.

No, like, like when your kids go and like when someone comes up to your kids, it was like, what was your dad like? Yeah, like what do they want? What do you want them to say in a perfect world?

Are you planning on killing me?

Because you better make those changes quick, motherfucker.

They'll be like, Dad, your dad— my dad was the best. He tried so hard. He loved us so much. He was the most fun. He was the fun dad.

My dad was great. He tried his ass off. You know, sometimes—

I mean, what do you want? Why do you think your dad would answer that?

I would just— I'd be curious how my dad would describe me.

I know, but just imagine my dad describing me, like, after I die and someone goes, how was David? Like, how— like, I have no idea.

I tried to get your parents to open up about you once.

What words would he use?

I don't know.

How would I describe my dad? Oh, it's easy. I always like— he's very, um, I mean, like I said, like the main thing I learned from him was like, whatever you're gonna do, you like do it right. And like, I like, it's kind of like, do it to your best of your abilities. And I really live by that.

How would you describe your dad?

I just told you, dude. Are you not listening? I literally just said it.

No, that's not— those aren't adjectives. You told one fucking anecdote about him.

You didn't open up at all. No. Okay, how would I describe my dad? Um, I think he's funny, determined, Hardworking.

Good.

Um, and about your mom— passionate. How about my mom?

Yeah.

Oh, she's a really good sense of humor.

Your mom does have a great sense of humor.

Yeah, it's really good.

Very funny. Um, he does too.

Yeah. And, uh, she's very, um, she's a very good people person. She's super casual, like, just easy.

It's funny when we did those shows in Chicago and they came out, like, into the city all dressed up.

Oh yeah, it is.

Like, your dad had, like, the little fedora hat on. And they had like, they had like dress-up clothes. Like I'd never seen—

Exactly, dude. When my parents go out, it is, it is straight up like, like, like, uh, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Like their grandparents just won an award and they're going and they have to put on their best suit.

Yeah, like, and their friends came and they were dressed.

It totally feels like they live in this small, really small house, right? And this is like they're going to the big city, so they have to put on like their nice fedora and like the nice red tie and the nice shoes. Yeah, that's exactly what my parents said.

They were kind of— when I saw them, I was like, oh, they're kind of hip for, for parents.

I think that's just because my dad wears a fedora.

It might have been it.

Yeah.

And your mom was gushing over John Stamos.

Dude, my mom over John Stamos made me so uncomfortable.

I never seen her get excited like that at all.

I've never seen my mom that happy in her life.

I didn't think she would get excited.

She's been married to my dad for over, you know, 15, 20 years. Why'd we just freeze there?

I don't understand what you said. It's getting completed. Scan completed.

We just froze. No one said a word. I looked at Natalie and Jason and they just like, they weren't even acknowledging me. It's like I just talked into nothing. This podcast, man, this is fucking tough. Scan completed.

The podcasts are good.

No, I like them. What's your favorite part of the— what's your favorite part about this podcast?

It's over.

Yeah.

It is actually on Saturday.

It does feel good when it's over. But like, it feels like we achieved something.

Well, because we are achieving something. We're getting work done, but we're also enjoying our time together.

Before the podcast, I have such podcast anxiety.

Really?

Oh, the worst anxiety.

And that's why I call you, David.

And I carry it all week.

I get podcast anxiety, dude. When Jason— oh my God, when Jason calls me— I mean, we don't talk anymore because of the quarantine, but he'll call me. It's only because you're not good on the phone. It's only about the podcast, man.

That's bullshit. That is bullshit.

The only text I get is podcast. How about, uh, how are you, David? David, how is everything going?

Oh yeah, 'cause you're just so impatient.

I wish I could open up to you. With your failings. I wish I could open up to you, man. I really just need someone to talk to. You're the worst.

I call you and you're playing video, all I hear is, huh, uh-huh, what, no.

Mike, buy me back.

Mike, buy me back. You have the headset on and that's it. It's like, okay, talk later. You are the worst on the phone.

Jason.

You fucking talk for 30 seconds. That's why I don't call.

Yeah, Jason will call me and I'll just be playing video games. You hate me playing video games.

I wanna take an ax and I wanna smash that PlayStation.

We all hate you playing video games.

I'm so sick of you playing video games because you even said it yourself, it's a waste of time.

Such a waste of time. And I don't know why I'm doing it again.

I don't know why I'm doing it because you're hiding.

I feel fucking crazy.

You're hiding.

What am I hiding from?

Reality.

Yeah, that's what I feel like. Yeah, yeah. I was talking to my friends, I was like, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

And why didn't you come out here and like bake a cake with Natalie?

Yeah, why don't you do anything like fun?

Even like, I asked him for like Monopoly.

I asked him to go for like a walk today because we've been doing stuff that's fun.

Like, no, not stuff like that.

That's the last 2, 3 years we've just been doing fun.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Enjoy Video games, my pastime, what I used to do with my friends every day during summer vacation. I'm having a good time. I'm reliving my fucking childhood past right now. My favorite thing to do. That's why I love it. Don't worry, I'll get—

Mix it up a little.

I'll get back to having fun with you guys. I know you guys all miss me.

Yeah, but— I, for one, am totally okay with the distracted and juvenile.

Yeah, I'll try to be more attentive on our phone calls, okay? Next time you call me, what I do is Jason will call me and I'll put him on speaker and I'll just be playing video games and I'll forget that Jason's reasons on the phone and I feel bad.

Yeah, that's why I don't call, right? You never call me.

Well, that's for sure.

All you ever call me is when you need an Instagram caption. You don't even call, you just text. You just send the photo with the caption that you came up with.

I wish you were some help.

I, I've tried to be your help of you.

Your help of you.

Son of a bitch. I hate this quarantine. I hate everything about it. So fucking done with it.

Jay, if you could build— if you could build the perfect wife, What would it be? Like, the perfect companion?

The perfect companion? Somebody really funny. Yeah, yeah, that's number one.

Number one, 100%.

Gotta be funny.

I agree.

But that's tough to find because, you know, women aren't funny. Okay, lovely. I'm kidding, it's a joke. My ex-wife was hilarious. There's a lot of funny women.

Should we say something else?

I'm trying to cover up what I just said, so, so no, your publicist doesn't need to say—

people are fucking— jokes don't work anymore.

I'm clearing it up right now, saying I was kidding, obviously women are funny.

Obviously you're fucking kidding, but there's always people out there that go, "What he said about women, not funny." Like, it's obviously a fucking joke.

It's just a joke.

But I know we're gonna get a fucking tweet about it. I hope someone, please someone tweet me.

They should tweet me and then I'll tweet back and I'm gonna list my top 10 comedians and 4 of them are women.

Why not 5 or 6?

Melissa McCarthy's the funniest comedian out there. Nikki Glaser's a hilarious stand-up.

I love Nikki Glaser.

Great. You only like her 'cause she likes you and had you on your show.

I liked her before you scum bag.

She wouldn't even be in your fucking orbit. That's such bullshit.

I liked her before. I went—

Bullshit.

I went to—

Tell me one bit that Nikki Glaser has.

I went to the roast of Alec Baldwin and she was the funniest there. Oh, oh, okay. And then she invited me on her show.

Oh, okay.

So I liked her before anything, you fucking asshole. Go scan your computer for more viruses.

Misogynist completed.

Is it— what's that woman's name? Wolf is her last name?

Michelle Wolf?

Is that who I'm talking about?

She's really funny.

Yeah, she's really funny.

Like dangerously funny.

Yeah, I just watched her. Okay.

Tina Fey?

Okay, good. I think we're covered.

Oh my God. Natalie Meriduena?

Still listening. I think we're good. I think they bought it. Um, that's funny. That's funny. That's really funny.

Sometimes people say to me, they go, oh, you're the, you're the funniest in the vlog squad. And I go, well, that's not saying much.

That's fucked up. AJ, be honest with me.

What?

You can say no.

Okay.

Do you think I could ever do stand-up comedy?

Yeah, you sort of do it already.

No, I don't. But do you think I could get on stage and like and like do that, do that whole thing.

Yeah, for sure.

That's not the answer I wanted.

What did you want to hear?

I was expecting to go, yeah, but you know what, like I feel like something like that. Like that's where I expected it to go.

No, why would I say that? Why would I put you down like that? Why do you think I don't think you would want to do stand-up?

Well, I don't want you to put me down. I just want you to be honest.

I think you want me to say no so you can knock it off your list. You don't have to think about it because I think you've been watching some stand-up specials and you're like, I'd like to try that.

Yeah, I would like to try it.

You should do it.

I feel like if I was to like go through everything I've ever recorded in my life, yeah, and pull like moments, I could maybe do like a 20-minute bit.

I mean, why don't you do it? You'll never do it.

Yeah, I won't.

You're not built for that.

Oh, are you just saying this to get me to do it?

No, no, you're just not built for it.

What do you mean?

I just don't think you're built for it at all.

Oh, is this what I wanted?

You're kind of a pussy.

This is literally what I expected you to say.

I mean, I'm not built for it either.

I'm pussy.

It's so hard.

Yeah, I can't— I mean, what I mean is like, how you're a comedian and like, like you go on stage and you bomb and, and people boo you and shit. Like, how the fuck do you recover from that?

Yeah, you get a really thick skin.

How many times were you on stage where you bombed?

A thousand.

Be serious.

How many times you've been on stage total? A thousand.

How many times? I don't know.

How many times have I bombed?

Yeah.

Yeah, hundreds.

And what was like the— what was like the worst thing someone said to you while you were on stage? Like, did anybody ever heckle you?

Yeah, one time someone heckled me and I said something about like his like brother dying or something like that, and it was really bad.

And no one laughed?

No one laughed. Yeah, really bad.

What do you do when no one laughs?

Just fucking eat shit.

Yeah, I know, but okay, I'm sorry, you have to paint this picture more because people aren't gonna experience what you experience.

I don't remember. Like, when you—

like, you bomb, right? And then you have to go off stage, you have to go to the green room, and then you have to drive home. Now you're home. Like, all that— like, what the fuck is going through your head?

All you— what you do is like, your brain is just like— your brain, it's just like anything else. Like, if you were being tortured every day, you'd find the one little good thing about the torture. So you would say, like, let's say you bomb, but you would say, oh, but there was that one joke that kind of got a laugh.

Well, I feel like you described stand-up comedians in like a nutshell.

Yeah.

I mean, imagine you're getting tortured every day and then someone finds you Entertaining.

Yeah. And then eventually bombing is good because it makes you just immune to it. It's like the virus, you know?

Yeah. And then you just don't care.

And you just don't care. You're just like, oh yeah, I hate shit. And then lots of times too, it's like, you, you know, you, you can have a good set and then you go there the next night and it's just the crowd's not— you have a bad spot, you go on late, everyone's gone, right? That has a lot to do with it too.

Like, how many— have you ever bombed and just went home and cried?

No, I never cried.

You've never cried from failing? No, you never in your life have failed at anything where you've cried?

No, I never took it that seriously.

Wow.

Like, I never took it to heart like that. I mean, maybe I should have. Yeah, I've cried over other things. I cry over things all the time, but that's not stand-up. There's this TikTok that Charlie loves, and it's a 2-year-old boy, and he's blonde, he's really cute, and he gets these chips and he goes, chips, chips, chips, chips. And I wanted to put it on my Instagram story and be like, Taylor feeding David. David, why are you always getting under Natalie's skin? Why, why do you do that? I don't know.

I feel like, I, I feel like I learned like getting under people's skin from my dad.

Really?

So my dad would like come in and he knew I hated karate, I hated piano, and like every time he'd do it— and I don't blame him because I'm the same way— he'd go, time to go to piano, like that. And I fucking hate it. And Natalie does that shit now. Now you will come into my room room and she'll be like, time to get to work. And she'll like open the blinds like she knows she's pissing me off. She like opens the blinds.

Yeah, but you are a giant, giant piece of garbage. I mean, you sit on that bed. Yeah, I mean, I'm rushing. You know how hard it is to motivate somebody, and especially you? Like, it— that's like not a fun job at all.

It is hard to motivate me, but you have to let me motivate myself.

But that's not—

but that's not—

that's not being motivated.

She has meetings, she schedule.

There's people that don't communicate with you that are only communicating with me and yelling at me because I'm not, you know, getting you up.

You know how many times Jack calls me and we'll start to talk about the problem?

Yeah.

Which is like you. And then Jack and I are like talking about you as the problem.

Yeah.

And then it immediately will shift over. We're like, our hands are tied. And then Jack will go, all right, I'll call Natalie. Like, which basically means Jack's gonna go fucking bother— blame Natalie. When the problem is you.

What's the problem?

You fucking sit in that bed and you play video games. Guys, everyone's on your time.

I'm doing my part, I'm quarantining. And it's fine with you. Oh my God.

This goes deeper than that.

Come on, like, give me a break. I'm finally doing my God's gift, I'm a hero.

Wait till he gets a girlfriend, it'll all change.

I just don't believe that. Like, I don't think a person, like a human can just fucking transform into like a beautiful butterfly.

No, someone will come in and—

You don't think I can have a girlfriend?

I think that you can. I think there are plenty of women out there that are dying to be your girlfriend.

That's not what I mean.

I'm talking—

I mean, you don't think I can be in a happy relationship?

I don't know.

I think I can.

I know someone will come in and flip this house, I'm telling you.

I know, it's gonna be great.

It's good. It's gonna be great.

I'm excited to be whipped.

You are?

That's my favorite. When you're whipped in a relationship, that's how you know you're in the right spot.

I don't think I'll ever be.

But I'm talking about genuinely whipped, like you're not like—

but that's what I'm saying—

you're not like following their orders. You're like in love with them and you'll do anything. So you—

oh, right, right.

Yeah, but I'm not saying you're like being like fucking ordered or bossed around. Uh-oh, like I'm saying, you're just like—

not my definition of whipped.

Okay, right, maybe I'm not using the right word, but that's what I mean by whipped. It's just like so in love that like you'll do whatever and you'll change or whatever. Out of all of us, who do you think would be the best at like taking someone out and burying the dead body?

Natalie would be the most efficient at it.

You think?

Yeah, she'd be really good.

I'm saying also killing. Oh, killing, and it's a bad guy. It's a bad guy, but you still can't get caught because you'll go to Natalie. But it's a bad guy, 100%.

And I have so much faith in Natalie to put a bullet right between someone's eyes.

Oh my God, no fucking way. Yeah. Oh, actually, I could see it easily.

You know when she yells at Jonah? You know when Jonah frustrates her?

Yeah.

And she like turns into like so fucking pissed, and you're like, whoa.

Yeah, yeah. Whoa, that's hot. No, no, I feel like Natalie— Natalie would be the perfect person to like give the gun to and go, do it, do it! And then she'd pull it. But I feel like she needs like that extra push. Like, I don't think She'd pull the trigger on her own.

Who do you think would be a better president of the United States, you or Natalie?

Um, I think I'm more well-educated, to be honest.

It'll be a boring president. You want like a fun one?

No, we don't want another fun president. We had that, it didn't work out so good. We're all sick and every restaurant's closed. We'll go with Natalie.

Okay, Natalie it is.

Oh my God.

Um, I don't know, I feel like— here's the thing, if I was president, I'm the most indecisive person in the world. So I'd be very much influenced by the people that are in my, like, cabin or whatever. Like, okay, cabinet, cabin, sure. Yeah, so I'd be very much influenced around, like, I'd have to ask everybody. I'd be like, I'd even call my friends from my hometown. Like, low-key, I really don't want to do this, but I'm kind of getting some push from, uh, from my senior members here. Like, you know what I mean? Oh my God, I hope I don't ever run and someone pulls I know, I was literally thinking about that. That would suck if I run for president and someone pulls—

you're gonna run for president?

You never know, I may get bored with all this stuff.

Bullshit, bro.

If anybody can do it, it's a YouTuber.

You'll, you'll never run for president.

Oh yeah, keep this audio clip, motherfuckers.

You'll never run for president. You don't have the constitution for it. You're just not built like that.

You're not even a US citizen, so you legally can't.

What is my toilet antics have to do with this? What do you mean another Constitution for it?

Huh?

What do you mean another Constitution?

You just don't have that kind of makeup. You're not like, you don't care about other people.

I do. I wanna help everybody.

Well, I mean, you do wanna help everybody, but I don't think you have, you don't have the patience for it. You know how boring it is to be a politician and be the president?

No, it's probably really fun to be the president.

No.

Dude, first of all.

Would you wanna be the president right now?

Let me start by saying this. It's an Oval Office, right?

Yeah.

Now imagine, imagine a tennis ball. You know how you bounce it off the wall? Yeah. This you kind of just throw alongside the wall and it comes all the way around because it's an oval.

That's what you'd be doing as president. You'd be doing that for 3 hours trying to get into a red cup.

That'd be my first order of business. And after the ping pong ball hits the red cup, I'd upload the TikTok and I would, I would Well, second order of business would be Taco Tuesday every day, but that's obvious. And I could get those, I could get those done with pretty quick. Nat, would I be a good president? Back me up here.

I'm gonna vote no on this one.

Okay, but you're my, you're my, you're my vice president, so we're still a team. Okay, that's actually a pretty good pair. You have me and Natalie.

Pretty good.

So you have the brains and then you have the, um, the creative decisions. Like, I'll be like, like, what color will the flag be this year?

That's the job of the first lady.

And I change it to orange. I changed the American flag to orange.

You should have Natalie be president. You marry Natalie and then you're the first lady.

No, that would work.

First lady, dude, that sounds like the best, like, tables have turned situation. It sounds like a movie. She works for a YouTuber and then all of a sudden she's the president and I'm her assistant.

Could you imagine?

Oh my God, it'd be so funny.

I think Natalie would be a great president.

You think you could run this country?

That's crazy.

Oh, definitely not. I don't I'm not built for it at all.

Who would you rather have run the country, me or you?

Me.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. I— listen, I'm, I, I'll be—

there's a reason you can't be president until you're 35, right?

I'm gonna do— I'm gonna do when I'm younger though.

What?

I'm gonna do when I'm younger.

Yeah, you're gonna break that rule? Yeah, maybe. I'm trying to think what else would be a good job for you.

I'd love to be a principal.

I'm kind of principled.

That'd be fun, actually, if you like in some way started your own like school system and like had like X-Men.

Okay, everyone.

Yeah, like X-Men.

Yeah, kind of literally like your own academy.

Stop telling people I know how to fly. You gotta keep that between us. Wait, what do you mean I start my own school system?

Like your own account? Like this?

Yeah, dude, people listen to this podcast, they're like, these guys are fucking morons. They just shot his idea down to be president, so now they're saying he should start his own school district.

An academy where like you have— because schools in my opinion are a little bit outdated, like the curriculum is very outdated.

I agree.

And so you have your own academy that's geared towards like the careers of the future, or like creative careers of the future, and like the classes are something more fun. More—

yeah, I feel like I could do a good job teaching. Like I could do a good job teaching a class, maybe like— yeah, and like be fun, but something like lighthearted. Not lighthearted, something like that that's not very textbook driven. Like I'm not good with like— I'm not good with facts.

I'm not saying you're going to teach history. Like, you're going to teach things that are—

because you think I could do it?

You, you— oh my God, you in a school? That's like, you're made for it. What?

It sounds like you just woke up from like— sorry, from being frozen. Wait, you as principal?

Well, you in a school is— that's like, yeah, that's your wheelhouse, man.

That does kind of sound like my place, huh?

You'd be the guy— you ever see that video of the principal that has a handshake for each kid?

Dude, I just fucking saw that. You did?

I literally—

when you said principal, yeah, that's what I thought of. I thought of the guy and I thought of how gross that is.

Well, yeah.

Well, because he's touching every hand. But I thought of— I was like, I have sweaty palms and that's my biggest fear is like shaking everyone's hand in a school. So I'd never be able to do that.

Okay.

Oh, sorry. No, that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking about how I would be scared to go to school if I was a kid, if I knew that my principal was going to high-five me or shake my hand.

Oh yeah.

Because my palms were so sweaty as a kid, I'd be too embarrassed. So I'd have to make up like a fist-bound handshake with him. Dude, sometimes my hands would get so sweaty that my paper would tear apart. It would rip because it was so wet. They used to fucking pour. Nat, do you remember my hands and how sweaty they were? Is that not—

uh, no, not really. It's not like a memory.

Dude, so sorry.

No, David, I have my own life, my own things, my own problems. I don't think about your sweaty fucking—

it's the worst too when someone catches you with sweaty hands. It's like, so it's like I was like, oh, it's such a hard thing to explain.

Didn't you bond with somebody who also had sweaty hands?

Fallon.

Oh, Fallon.

Yeah, Jimmy Fallon. Yeah, he said he had sweaty hands. I touched them, they weren't that wet. You know what the worst was? I was sitting in class and the teacher was going around talking about handshakes and how important it is to have a good handshake. And dude, I was fucking sweating like profusely, like through my hair, like every part of my body my body was sweating because I'm like, he's going around the room and he's shaking people's hands.

Why was your teacher going around shaking hands?

Because he was like teaching us about like, like just like— I don't know what he was doing, just greetings. Yeah, yeah. And, and he came over to me and I was so sweaty, and I shook his hand, and he even brought it up. He's like, oh, a little bit sweaty. And bro, that made me so uncomfortable.

And has that scarred you in some way?

Yeah, I'm even frozen thinking about it.

Really?

Yeah. And like, I'll be in meetings now and like I can't even focus on the meeting because I know at the end of the meeting I'm gonna have to shake everybody's hand. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Um, guys, Natalie is working on a new book. It's called Living with the Devil.

Um, that's like a really good title for my—

Living with the Devil.

That is really good.

I love that.

Thank you.

I'm writing that down.

I'm writing that down.

She's gonna an offer in her inbox.

Living with the Devil. You know what would be the beautiful part about the book is it's like, it's so dark and twisted, and it's like, how much she hates me. But then at the end, it's just like a beautiful heartwarming ending where like, chapter 18, but it wasn't so bad after all. And then it's like all the good things. That would be a cool book. 18 chapters of you just trashing me, and the final 2 just like, wow, he was a hero indeed.

Wow, quite the twist.

No, but Natalie's not writing a book. I was just kidding. Thing. That's a weird end to the vlog— or what is this, a podcast? Weird end to the podcast. Um, but go follow Jason on Instagram. He does really funny skits on there. He's a really funny guy. I've been loving keeping up with his YouTube videos lately. Uh, I'm David Dobrik, and this has been A Viewz Podcast. We'll see you guys later. My name's Jeff.