Saying Goodbye to His Kids

What's up guys, welcome back to, um, fuck, I literally almost called it.

It's called Views. Go ahead, you're good. Okay, roll the intro music.

This is the Views Podcast. I'm David, that's Jason. Jay, what's up? We're at Lollapalooza, we're in Chicago, we're recording straight from our hotel room today.

Straight from the hotel room and then on our way to Lollapalooza to watch all of our friends. Get totally plastered, and then David to get frustrated because he can't get any jokes, but it's right there for him. It's right there. Todd's literally cross-eyed.

Lollapalooza is gonna be tricky. How's your flight in?

Oh my God. First of all, yeah, you gave me so much shit about coming here, so I was like, okay, I'm gonna come. I leave, Charlie's crying.

No, she's not.

Oh, bawling.

You're—

I have a bawling—

your daughter was crying.

I don't want you to go. Her mom's gone. She's with my mom.

No fucking way.

Can't drive.

She was crying, bawling.

I don't want you to go. Daddy, like that.

What did you do?

I fucking felt heartbroken.

I hit her. I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. I just kind of whacked her.

I played Monopoly with her for a while.

Oh, thank God you got out of there.

Let me ask you a question. Yeah, you've ever played Monopoly?

Yeah.

Nobody wins.

No, it doesn't end.

What's the point?

Well, because it's like, it's like, it's supposed to be intense. It's supposed to be like a game of life.

I was trying to lose. To make her feel good, 'cause I was leaving, you get $200 every time you go around. And then you can't lose. It's the stupidest game. That's like, hey, let's play a game of basketball. Every time David scores, I also get a point. So dumb.

Every time I used to play Monopoly, I would always cheat. I'd always be the banker and I'd always—

Oh, you just grab a little extra?

I slipped myself money, so I definitely never lost.

I've never seen anyone win. In my 46 years on this earth, It's always like, uh.

I was— sorry, I don't mean to change the subject, but I was in an escape room the other day.

You were?

Well, no, I walked right by one. And one of the reviews on the outside of the escape room was, "The most fun I've ever had in the last 43 years of life." And I didn't know if it was a fucking joke or not.

Or if it was me.

But that was— I was like, what has this person been up to? What has this person been doing for 43 years where when they're trapped in a room, that is the most fun they're having?

Well, actually, I know the story behind that. That person was held hostage in a basement.

Well, that's what, that's what I, that's the only thing I could imagine is like this person must have been kidnapped at one point and they, they love getting out and it's kind of like a kink they had. I don't know.

Yeah. Um, and they had Stockholm syndrome.

Yeah. Monopoly. Monopoly. It's a, it's a tough game.

Anyways, I go to the airport, the flight is delayed 5 hours. 5 hours.

And when was your original flight time?

4:48. I buy the flight.

Oh, 4:48 PM.

Listen to this. No, if I buy the flight, I'm like, 4:48, I'm like, David will be happy. I get in at like 11, I'll be able to shoot a little bit. I buy the flight at 4:48. 10 minutes later, I go online to get my ticket. It's delayed. They don't tell you that when you buy the ticket. So anyways, I go, I spend $77 for extra legroom because I'm flying coach because you know how cheap I am.

Yeah.

And I sit down and I sit down in my seats and there's no one in my row. So I'm like, this is great.

Yeah, you can lay down.

Yeah, no one's in my row. Well, this girl comes along. She's probably about 30 years old and She looks like she's been shopping in Trader Joe's for the last 2 weeks, just hanging out. She's just kind of like, yeah, you know what I mean?

No, I don't know. What does it mean?

She's kind of— she's just like kind of hippie-ish and kind of like, oh, you just tell it. She goes, she goes, she goes, excuse me, sir. Yeah, like that. It's a nighttime flight. Is anyone sitting here? And I go, no, no, not yet. And so she sits down and, uh, and I can just tell. And then she's like talking to herself. She's like, huh. Hmm. Ah. Gotta get my phone. Where's my gum? Saying all this stuff. Talking to stewardesses, asking for stuff. So you can just tell. So I take my hood, my clickbait hoodie, and I tie it around my head. Yeah. I don't want to talk at all. So I get my phone out and I start playing my pool game. Just don't want to talk to her because I can just tell she's a pain in the ass.

You can tell you're gonna have a long conversation with her if you start talking.

Yeah, I just know. She goes, "Excuse me, can you turn your brightness down?" Oh my God. And that's a hot button for me, 'cause that was the reason I got divorced.

Because of the brightness?

Because of brightness, yeah. Did I ever tell you this story?

No.

This is the reason I got divorced.

Are you being serious?

Yeah. I was in the office, this was the final straw. I was in the office.

Oh, I never even asked you about this. This is so interesting.

I was in the office and I'm doing my work, probably something that fucking was going nowhere, but I am trying. And she comes in to use the elliptical.

She's like, oh, this is such an LA thing.

You're in here? And I was like, yeah, I'm in here. It's the office where the elliptical is. Shared space. Been together 10 years. Kind of how it goes.

Sure.

You know, we don't have a freaking 10-bedroom mansion. So she gets on the elliptical and she's like, she's like, she's like, 'Can you stop just typing? Can you stop like typing?' Oh no, first she goes, 'Can you turn the music off? Can you turn the music off?' And I'm like, 'Yeah, okay, sure, I'll turn the music off.' And then she's like—

So she likes elliptical in complete silence?

She had her headphones on and I guess my music was bleeding through, but I was there first. So then she goes, 'Can you 'Can you just like stop typing so loud?' And I was like, 'Yeah, I guess.' You gotta get better headphones. Yeah. And then the final straw, she goes, 'Can you—' She goes, 'Can you turn the lights out?' This wasn't the final straw. She goes, 'Turn the lights out.' So I'm like, 'Yeah, sure.' And then the lights out— the lights in the office. 'Can you turn the lights out?' And I go, 'Yeah.' I was like, 'Okay.' So now I'm sitting in the dark, like, typing quietly, trying to still work, and then she goes, the brightness, the brightness of the computer, can you turn it down? And I just walked out, and that was it.

Holy shit, that felt like a divorce.

Yeah, that was the final straw.

That felt like— that's exactly how, like, you, like, you painted, like, a broken relationship perfectly. Yeah, like, that feels pretty fucking brutal. So that's how you guys just fucking hate each other. Wait, wait, wait, and then what? What did you say?

Nothing, because there's no point in arguing with her because she's so smart. She just comes back like a fucking terror. She comes back like Muhammad Ali. If you question anything, she's like, "Rah, rah, rah, rah." And then you're like, "Okay, okay." Okay, but when did you tell her you wanted the divorce? I don't know. The next day? No, not the next day.

I don't remember. But how did you say it? Like, I'm so curious. How do you bring that up?

I just was like, "I can't. I can't do this anymore. I just can't." And I was like, I don't want to like hang out with you and your friends on Saturday night. I want to go film. I want to like—

I want to make Vines.

Yeah, at the time. I mean, I guess. I mean, I was doing other things.

And what did she say?

You know, she was just bummed out.

She was crying?

Yeah, of course.

Oh my god, really?

Yeah, it was awful.

I always thought it was mutual. No, after— It's so hard, like, for people listening and for people that like know like your persona, it's so hard to to explain to them that I want— that you ended a relationship. Like, that's crazy.

Yeah, and then after I ended it, she was like, she was like, okay, that's it. And I remember like trying to like talk to her about it a couple months later, and I said, I said, well, you know, maybe, maybe you can like change, you know? Yeah, because I just, I just, there was just a lot of things that I didn't like.

What'd she say? Fuck no.

She said people don't change.

Oh, wow, that's deep.

Isn't that deep?

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, she's kind of right.

I guess if you're at that age, people don't change.

Yeah, I guess. I mean, I don't think you'll ever change.

I don't know. You're right.

You're pretty much you. Yeah. Anyway, so, the other follow-up.

Wait, wait, wait, sorry, and then how did you tell your kids? I'm so curious.

Ugh, it was the worst.

Oh my God, were you—

The worst was a neighbor came over who we were really close with, and he was like crying.

Wait, were you crying?

He was upset. I was like, what the fuck's going on here?

Were you crying explaining it to your kids?

your kids start crying.

Yeah, they were really bummed out. It sucked.

Do they know what it was?

Yeah, they're just like, Daddy's not gonna live here anymore, but we're still friends, and mommy and daddy love each other, but dad's not gonna live here anymore. And then, I mean, I think it's like— so that's why when like you're like, fuck your kids, come to Chicago, we've got a film.

Well, you don't have any other things to elaborate on divorce? Like you're not talking about it all?

I mean, there was one other story which was—

No, but you don't have anything about like making your kids, like explaining to your kids like that moment?

Yeah, I mean, we sat them down and was like, Mommy, we're really sorry. Mommy, Daddy's not gonna live here anymore. I still love Mommy very much. And they were just really bummed. That's it. Yeah, we gave them hugs and then we took them.

There's no more little things in that story? You got divorced. It's very, very— it's a huge moment. I feel like if I got divorced, I could talk about it for 8 hours.

I mean, we just told them.

And then immediately you started buying your kids things? Like, how does this work? Like, how do— like, what— how guilt—

It happens over time, David.

It's not all condensed. How guilty did you feel? Awful. Yeah?

Awful. Still feel awful. That's why I, you know, when you want me to go somewhere and I'm like—

That's why you hang out with your kids so much?

I'm with my kids. I feel bad.

Yeah, every time Jason wants— I want Jason to go somewhere, he's always like, I can't, my kids, my kids, my kids. And then I love it when Natalie's sitting around, she goes, when Natalie's sitting around, she goes, "My parents are fucking divorced. They saw me once a week. What's wrong with you?" She'll always chime in, and it's so funny to hear Natalie chime in. Because Jason, like, Jason has like the craziest, I've never seen like a parent have as much guilt as Jason has. I don't know, Jason may not be telling me the full story. He must have murdered their real mother because he's like, I need to see my kids every second of every day. I haven't seen them in 17 minutes. And then they'll call each other, and like when they're not with each other, they're playing this pool game on their phone. That's fucking constant. It's like, what are these— I'm scared that these kids aren't gonna grow up to be independent because you hang out with them. You know, you realize you hang out with them more than parents that are together. You do. Really?

I don't think so. I think a normal dad goes to work, he comes home at 7, And he hangs out with his kids every night, but not me. I'm out shooting every night. I go and see them for like an hour or two, but then I'm back out. Then I wrote Charlie this really long letter from the plane, and then I paid for Wi-Fi so I could send it to her. Oh yeah. Explaining like why I had to leave and why it's important.

Can you read it? Huh? Can you read it? Yeah. Go.

I can read it. It's long.

Let me read it. Okay.

Go ahead.

This is Jason's letter to— holy fuck. Oh my God, Jason. Oh my fucking God. Okay, so this is what he wrote to his daughter because she was crying that he left. My dearest Charlie. I'm not even kidding, this is how it starts off. As if he literally is moving to Jamaica for the rest of his life. He's going to Lollapalooza for 2 nights. Isn't that crazy? This is how it is for Jason to leave his kids. My dearest Charlie, it broke my heart to leave you today. I feel bad that you are only 10 and both mommy and daddy are gone. It's not really fair to you. I hope you understand that daddy spent many years with no money, and that scared daddy quite a bit. Oh my god, this is getting really deep. You're really laying it all on the line. I was so unhappy and I felt crappy most of the time. Now I have a new career as a YouTuber. It's pretty silly— this is making me tear up— it's pretty silly that I'm so old and do YouTube. But I like it and it makes me happy. What makes me the most happy is to take you out and spend time with you. Oh, and also hanging out with David. No, I'm kidding. I added that part in. Today when we played Monopoly was just the most fun I've had in a while. About 15 minutes ago you were like, Who the fuck plays Monopoly? What's the fucking point? Just hearing you laugh was so incredibly delightful. Second to that was being in the waves with you yesterday. Sometimes I think it's a waste of time to work so hard for money, and when money doesn't buy happiness. If you can choose to be an artist, an actor, or singer, or comedian, you will realize what makes you happiest is your craft. Coming up with jokes or learning lines and doing a good job. I think you probably already know this. I saw how glowing you were after you played at Yadda. What's Yadda?

Yadda's the theater company she does.

I could tell you knew you did a great job and felt great inside. Work and being with you and Wyatt is something I struggle with so much, and I hope, and I hope you know I went to Chicago to make sure Mommy, Wyatt, you, and Grammy can have money when you need it one day. Bro, this is like, it's cute, but it's so dramatic. It's like you're fucking leaving forever. I'm not sure how long YouTube will last, so I gotta make it while I can. Unfortunately, I have committed to doing the podcast, and if I miss a week then I not only lose money, but we could lose the sponsors for good. So here I am, stuck on a hamster wheel, anchoring to David, and sitting on a crummy plane with no legroom, which is also a lie, 'cause you upgraded to legroom, so you're just lying to your daughter. I just watched a documentary about Gilda Radner on the plane, and it reminded me of you. She was on SNL. Bro, this is so crazy. This is like what I imagine, like, like, I hate to make this comparison, like, it's like someone in like a fugitive camp writing back to their family that they haven't seen in 7 years. Like someone stuck in Vietnam and like, yep, they're not letting me go yet. They're not letting me go until the negotiations are done.

I wanted to let her know that I was thinking about her.

But honey, I know you know I'm completely innocent and they're holding me against my will for no reason, but I'll be back in 17 years and I think about you every day. Okay, I'm gonna skip a little bit. I want to make— I want to make more time for us, and I want to get you really good at acting because I know that's your dream. I love you, Charlie. I will always be here for you. Just gotta leave from time to time because life keeps calling me. One day I'll be sitting on the beach begging you to come see me, but you'll be a famous actress and won't have time. I would say you will understand more then, but you're so smart, I know you already got it. Save this letter and keep it when you miss me. Remember, you're always in my heart. Love, Daddy. This is making me cry. Also, P.S., oh my God, here's a quote unrelated, but I thought they were so beautiful. She died of cancer after writing this, which makes me— okay, this is a quote that he left Charlie in his dying time of boarding United Airlines. As Jason is taking off with extra legroom in United Airlines, this is the last thing he sent his daughter. I wanted the perfect ending. So I sat down to write the book with the ending in place before there even was an ending. Now I've learned the hard way. It's about knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what will happen next. Love, Daddy. Man, I'm so sorry for your passing. I feel like I have to call Charlie now and apologize that her father has gone. Dude, this is insane.

You think so? She wrote me back. She's like, I'm crying. Thank you so much. I'll always come see you even when I'm older on the beach. Blah, blah, blah. Then my mom texted me.

She didn't write you back?

It's on my text. Oh, it's on my laptop. She did. Oh, okay.

Because I just checked Jason's actual text and the message just says not delivered.

No, it's on my laptop. Oh, wow.

I can't believe that was— that was at the— at the same time, it was like the sweetest thing, but also it's like, what the fuck? Like, it was like— it was a mixture. Like, that's what I mean. Like, that's what I mean. Like, no dad would do that, which also, like, I shouldn't hate on because it's pretty sweet. Yeah, but like, I also— I'm just— the reason I give you shit for it is because I'm like, no dad does that. Like, don't feel the need to do that. Like, don't feel guilty when you're not there, right? Because the fact that you even sent this— this is fucking crazy. You literally wrote her a book. But yeah, no, that was really sweet. I actually did tear up. You saw me tear up.

I know, I know, you're a softie. Yeah, I know you are. You always— you always tear up at that stuff, but it's so funny because you're so tough.

It's also so funny because I tear up and I'm also like Fuck you, Jason. Fuck you for writing this, you stupid idiot. So it's a pretty funny mix. Okay, what's your experience with Legacybox, Jay?

Oh, pretty great. I got it from my mom, and, you know, 'cause she's always got the old pictures and stuff. And she puts a lot of my fat pictures in there, which I asked her not to.

So Legacybox, that's really interesting, because you could save your family films and photos from degrading or being lost forever. They basically, you basically turn a photo into a digital copy. And you can experience the joy and nostalgia of reliving the glory days. It gives you peace of mind and a great sense of accomplishment. It's awesome because if you have a photo that you think you're going to lose or, you know, it's just— it's great if you're sentimental, especially if you have photos lying around the house. You never know when your house will catch on fire and everything will burn down, especially with your flamethrower, especially if you have a flamethrower around the house. This is perfect because you can, you can take those photos and digitize them. Over 450,000 families have trusted Legacybox so far. Over a decade of experience, and all the work is done by hand right here in the United States. There's never been a better time to digitally preserve your memories. You can visit legacybox.com today to get started. Plus, for a limited time, they're offering our listeners an exclusive discount. You can go to legacybox.com/views and you'll get 40% off your first order, guys. So if you want to turn anything, anything into any kind of memory into a digital memory, this is the perfect way to do it. You can go to LegacyBox.com/views and save 40% today. You can get started preserving your past. Maybe you're—

LegacyBox.com/views. Maybe you're David's Disposables. You could use Legacy Box.

Okay, sorry, back to the story. What happened with this fucking strange woman on this airplane?

So she's like, can you turn your brightness down? Yeah.

And I go, I go, I cannot. I am writing a book. I'm writing a book to send to my daughter because I will not see her for 3 days.

Well, yeah, I was just— I hadn't written the letter yet. I was just on my phone playing my pool game, and I go, it's all the way down. I show her. I go, it's all the way down like that. And she's like, she goes, it wasn't— she goes, there's a little bit more. There's a little bit more you can put down like that. And I was like, And then I go, and then I look up, her light on the airplane is shining in her face. I go, what about your light right there? Why don't we start there? And she goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I—

You didn't say that.

I did, I did.

You didn't say, you didn't say, you didn't say why don't we start there.

I did, I did, I swear to God. I go, I swear deadass. I go, why don't we start there? 'Cause you know what, when she told me about the brightness, I was just like so fed up with like people telling me what to do in my life. I'm like, no. No, I'm gonna fucking say something this time. You know what I mean? Sure. You know, I think that's such a turn-on when somebody— Turn-on? Yeah, I used to have a friend. What? I used to have a friend, and it was a girl, and I went to Jones on Thurber there once, and this woman cut her in line. And she goes, excuse me, excuse me, no, no. You just cut me in line, because normally you would just let that go.

You think that's a turn-on?

Yeah, I think when people stand up for themselves—

I think it's the biggest turn-off. Why?

You think you should just let it go?

I think situations like that, yeah, like that's like if I'm in line and like this lady cuts me and I was with my significant other, I would just turn around and just make a joke about it or laugh, be like, what the fuck is wrong with this bitch?

You know what I mean? No, no, I think it's—

I hate that when someone like Makes a scene. Makes a scene. Oh my God.

You don't like that. That is—

if I'm with someone, oh my God, I've hung out with people where they're like, they'll like— I've hung out with like girls. Well, they'll make a scene, right? And it's like I'm completely checked out. Like, I don't want to— I don't even want to— I can't be around this. But when they're like, what's wrong? What's wrong with this food? Like when they complain about food or something, or like that, I don't like— I'm like, I don't like— so checked out. And it's like, I can't even— I can't even hold the conversation with this person anymore. Because I just want to leave. That's different.

Giving a waiter or waitress a hard time, I totally agree with you, that's not cool.

Sure, okay, yeah, it is a little bit different, but I don't know, I don't know. I think it's just like someone cutting you in line is just such a little small thing that I just would never get upset about. Anyway, that's so weird that that's a turn-on for you.

I stood up for my—

Babe, the way that you fucking told that person not to cut you in line was so sexy. Like, I just can't wrap my head around, like, how—

I don't know. I like it. So anyways, I said, why don't you start there? And she goes—

And she said that was the hottest thing anyone has ever said. You know, it's a turn-on that you're telling me to turn this light off. Okay, okay, sorry, I keep it on.

So she turns the light off, and then I go, this is what I said, I go, you weren't even supposed to sit here like that. Oh wow. Yeah, I did. And I go, now you're telling me what to do? Because I was mad, she didn't pay the $77. Would that bother you? No.

Okay, sorry. What did she say? And then what happened?

She's like, okay, okay, it was just a simple request. It was just a simple request. And I go, well, I'm sorry, like that. I go, you have the light off now. And of course I'm still like thinking about it and I'm still like trying to hide my phone and hide the brightness. And then there's like a lull and she just goes, it was just a simple request. Look at her relationship. Then I go, then I'm laughing. I go, I go, I go, oh my God. And I go, I stick my hand out and I go, hi, I'm Jason. I think we got off on the wrong foot. Like that. She just looks at me. I go, what's your name? Like that. She goes, I'm good. I'm good. I don't need— I'd rather not. I'd rather not. And I was like, okay. Then she starts talking to me in the middle of the flight like nothing happened. She goes, you know that dumb movie that we went and saw? I won't say that, but There was a movie that you and I went and saw, it was a comedy, romantic comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's on. She goes, have you seen this? Like that, like nothing happened. Crazy. She goes, I've seen it, this is the third time I've seen it. It's not very good. And I was just like, ugh. You know, you just, one thing about being 46, David, is I know a lot of stuff. Yeah, sure. Not that I'm smart in any way.

That's so funny.

But I know the outcome. Of things. I know when you go to the bar at 12 to get footage, or 2 AM, it's probably not gonna happen for you.

You know what's so funny about like flights is like I imagine like, like on a flight, let's say you have like, if I ever have a conversation with someone at the beginning of the flight, like sometimes I'll sit next to someone and then they'll strike up a conversation and I'll be like, yeah, I'm going to New York to be on, to do some press, and then I don't talk to them for the next 6 hours of the flight. It's always so funny because the second you're getting up, it's like the conversation picks up again. It's like, "Well, good luck on your— good luck at your show. Good luck on press." Like, it's so funny. Like, I haven't talked to this person in 6 hours, but it's like— like, you know, like when you're in an elevator, it's like, "Where are you going?" "Oh, I'm going to visit my friend." And then there's like 10 seconds of like awkwardness because there's nothing else to say. And then the person's leaving and they go, "Well, have fun with your friend." But on a flight, it's really funny because it's like literally 5 hours apart. And it's like nothing, nothing, nothing. Someone's probably napping. And then it's, well, good luck on your show. I'll see you later. Like, it's such a funny way of continuing the conversation. And I imagine that ended like, well, it was nice seeing you. Yeah. You know what I mean?

As we were walking through O'Hare, I'm racing to try to get home. And she's right there next to me. And I just stopped. And I pretended like I needed something in my bag.

Just let her go by. I'm having this weird thing on planes. Every time I wake up now, I wake up and I'm looking around, 'cause I'm discombobulated, and I wake up right when we land all the time. Sometimes the stewardess has to wake me up because I'm just so knocked out. Lucky you. And I wake up, I always nap the entire flight. I don't order food, I don't order drinks, nothing, I just nap. And every time I wake up, I'm looking around and the entire cabin is staring at me. And it's like really weird because I don't know— I don't know what I'm doing in my fucking sleep. Like, I don't know if I've just been like chanting in my sleep or if I've been like yelling in my sleep. I don't know if I've been doing something embarrassing where everyone's like, "Let's see how this kid acts when he's up." Like, I don't know if they're just looking at me because it's just a big coincidence.

I think they're jealous or they— I think they're marveling that you slept the whole time because no one can sleep on a plane.

That could be it. It's like, "Oh, I want to see this kid's face because I've seen his head down the entire time. I wonder what he looks like." And I'm not even like exaggerating this. I mean, everybody is looking at me.

I think they think you're dead.

Like the second I get up, like the guy sitting right next to me staring at me. Yeah, the people behind me are staring at me.

He wants to see if you're alive. And it's like, oh, he's good.

And I'm so embarrassed. I'm like, oh my god, I must have fucking said something in my sleep. I must have like threatened to hijack this plane when I was sleeping because everybody's looking at me like I'm a fucking lunatic.

No, you don't talk in your sleep. I've been next to you asleep on planes.

Okay, thank God, because I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. What was your favorite item from your Stitch Fix box?

Probably the shoes that they sent.

Guys, if you don't know what Stitch Fix is, it's an online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit your body, budget, and lifestyle. I actually had a stylist come over to my house for the first time.

I saw that! That was crazy. He brought all black.

Do you know how that works?

How does it work?

So like, they buy, they go out and buy. I don't know if it was my credit card or if it was theirs. They go out and buy all the clothes. And they come to your house and you try them on in your house. I hate, I hate like going through the process of buying new clothes.

I do too, and I hate trying stuff on, but if someone's there with me—

I hate trying it on, and it was horrible. And the worst part is they bought all the clothes, and I asked, I'm like, how much is this entire rack? Because I know they bought fucking expensive clothes. $10,000 to $15,000 she spent on the clothes.

And how much are you gonna keep?

I kept like under $1,000 worth of clothes. So she goes out and she returns everything. Oh God, but that's crazy. That's— isn't that crazy?

There was not one colorful item on that rack. No, I saw it. You're so such a black—

it was all black. Instead of doing that, you can go to stitchfix.com/views and you could tell them your sizes, what styles you like, and how much you want to spend on each item. So you don't spend— you don't understand— spending $15,000. You'll be paired with your very own personal stylist who will handpick 5 items to send right to your door. Then you try them on, pay only for what you love, and return the rest. Shipping exchanges and returns are always free. There's no subscription required. You can sign up to receive scheduled shipments or get your fix whenever you want. Stitch Fix styling fee is only $20, which is applied toward anything you keep from your shipment. Get started now at stitchfix.com/views and you'll get an extra $25 off when you keep all 5 of— 5 items in your box. That's stitchfix.com/views to get started today. Stitchfix.com/views. One of my YouTube videos— my YouTube video the other day got accidentally monetized. Okay. So I made money on it. So I made like regular money. Well, not regular. Can you tell me what it was? I can. Off mic?

Yeah. Oh.

Yeah, I just told them using my fingers. That's it? Yeah.

I mean, it's nice, but I mean, it's not what you think it would be.

It's so funny because it's— I tell people I don't make a lot of money on my YouTube channel, and I think it's hard for people to like understand. Because they're like, what is— what's— make them like you more. It's like, what is a lot of money? Like, he's probably making like $300 grand and he thinks that's not a lot of money, right? But I currently, before my YouTube video actually got monetized, I've been making less money on YouTube than I did being a waiter at a retirement home. Really?

That crazy?

That's crazy. That's how much— that's how little money I've been making. Less money than being a waiter at a retirement home. Which now what I'm questioning is my video yesterday was accidentally monetized. It was no different than any other video. Why the fuck are the rest of my videos not getting accidentally monetized too? Right. It had no effect on anything in the world that it was monetized. It's a glitch. But that's crazy.

But I mean, you don't play by the rules. You have to play by the rules. I know, so— You make the rest in merch. I mean, it's a choice.

I don't know.

It's a choice. You have great music in your videos and You know, I don't.

It's not even the music. It's not even getting copyrighted. It's just getting like aged. Like, I don't know, whatever. I complain about it a lot. I don't know. I don't know what it is.

It's okay, you can complain about it. It sucks. And they should, they should compensate you because you do bring a lot of people into the app.

It sucks because I want to make, I want to make bigger videos, but I can't because, you know, I want more. If I was making—

Too bad a friend didn't give you $10 grand.

I've told, I've told this to my friends. If I was making regular YouTube money, Every single one of my friends and everybody around me in my life would be driving a sports car and a regular day-to-day car. Everybody— I would have gotten— I would have gotten— because I don't, I don't care for like keeping money. I don't know what it is. Like, I, I have enough money where I can like whatever, pay for bills and shit. But like when I get money, like I don't like— I'm not like saving for anything big. Yeah. So I'm not like, I'm not really— I don't know, I save, but whatever. If I was making like regular YouTube money, I'd be giving away so much money that it would be like, where the fuck is he printing this from? And it'd be like, it'd be— I know I do it enough now, but I would just love to be able to make like proper YouTube money where I can just fucking be like balls to the wall.

Why don't you get a meeting with them? Just tell them.

It's not even— it's not even worth it. God. But I don't know. Whatever.

Hey, did you hear about this blind dad porn? That's out now.

Are you being serious? Yeah. No, what happened?

It's just a lot of porn out there with blind dads. It's really weird.

Oh wait, the dad is blind in the porn?

So like start out and they're like, they're walking over the car, the brother and stepbrother, the stepbrother and stepsister. Yeah. They're like, oh, come on, Dad. Come on, the operation. You'll be able to see in a couple weeks.

Oh my God, and then the stepbrother and stepsister have sex?

Yeah, in front of him. And then they're like, oh, thank you so much for helping me. He's like, I kind of remember where the kitchen is. And they're like, it's okay, Dad. Do you want anything? He's like, I'd love some— and he's got like a cane. He's like knocking it around. I'd love some orange juice.

As they're having sex? Yeah.

And then like they go over, get the orange juice, and then like the stepbrother's like feeling her ass or whatever. And she's like, stop it. Don't do it. Huh? What's that? Did you say something? The blind dad is like that. And then, you know, he starts like having sex. There's like, guys, guys, is everything okay? God, yeah, it's pretty great.

Porn is so crazy because— not that I know, but there's, there's, there's, there's my favorite of the videos where it's like, it's like people are in public and it's like— and then they'll be like a girl and a guy will sneak under the dinner table as everyone's having dinner around them and have sex under the table as if like the people above them are like, blind, deaf, and just completely like, don't even go where they went.

Yeah. Yeah.

Like, and these two are having sex under the table and like moaning and everything. And like the people up there are just like, this is delicious. Porn is so— it's so great. There's also— there's also videos where it's like where there'll be like an intruder that'll break in. Yeah. And like will have sex with the wife of the husband. And I see— I know so many different porn videos. And the wife will be like sticking her head out the window and the husband will be like, are you ready to go? And she'll be like, no, not yet, honey. As this like intruder is having sex with her. Porn is fucking crazy. Like you can really, like if you go, there's a porn, there's a section on Pornhub and it's funny. Funny videos? It's funny porn.

Oh, I never checked that out.

So it's like Scooby-Doo. So it's like, what do you mean? It's like someone dresses up as Shaggy and the other person's Scooby-Doo. I'm not even fucking kidding. There's one where everyone's dressed up as the Flintstones.

And Shaggy fucks Scooby-Doo? Yeah. Shut up.

Like a dog? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, like the girl is Scooby-Doo?

Yeah, and then there's one that like, there's one like, uh—

Like, hey Scoob, I love your pussy!

Velma will probably grow into be like a prettier woman. Because Daphne's like, I feel like Daphne's like too much about sex. Who's that, who's the guy?

What do you mean? When did Daphne ever talk about sex? What are you talking about?

I just got that vibe. Where were her and Fred always sneaking off to?

They were being— they're ghost hunting, you idiot. I don't think so. Of course they were.

Wait, who was his name? Fred?

You watched the episode where Daphne fucks a ghost?

No, wait, wait. What's his name? Fred? Yeah, the blonde guy.

Yeah, he was like big and beefy and hunky.

Yeah, like, okay, so they would always pair up and then, oh my God, and Velma would lose her fucking glasses. They were doing blind porn before it was a thing. Velma would be like, where are my glasses? And Daphne and Fred would be like, I don't know, it's over there. Go look for them over there. No, I don't know. I think Velma would— I mean, Velma was pretty in the show like that. I don't know. Cartoon character. Oh no, no. If you watch the movie, actually Velma's played by a very, very pretty actor.

Oh, she's played by, um, uh, she's Rachel— Rachel Lee Cook.

I don't know who it is, but she's very pretty. She's gorgeous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She plays Velma.

Oh yeah, that pretty ugly girl. What they do in those movies, they take the hottest girl and they put glasses on them. Yeah, Hollywood.

Yeah, ridiculous. They don't actually cast someone that should be playing Velma.

That's like, I watched this Noah Centineo movie the other day on Netflix with Wyatt, and it was pretty good. Like, I actually—

Noah Centineo is such a good-looking guy and he always plays like nerds. Exactly. Yeah.

So like, he comes in and he's the loser. The first scene, a guy goes by in a BMW, he's like, whoa, I wish I had a car like that.

Yeah, it's hard to believe at this point, especially because he's in like 18 Netflix movies. It's like impossible to believe that that guy is the loser.

Yeah, he's pretty pretty hunky. Yeah, pretty good movie though.

No, he's good.

He also played a gigolo in the movie in high school that doesn't have sex with girls. I'm imagining someone pitching that. He's a, he's a gigolo in high school. What? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but he doesn't have sex with the girls. And I'm just like, huh, it's an interesting premise.

Were you cast as anybody weird ever? Why?

I was on a TV show called Drake Josh. It was pretty good.

You're a waiter. That was cast perfectly.

I was a massage therapist once on a sitcom on Fox. Like, you know, a real touchy-feely massage therapist.

That's pretty accurate. That's pretty accurate. Hiring used to be hard. Multiple job sites, stacks of resumes, a confusing review process. You said hard. I did. But today hiring could be easy, and you only have to go one place to get it done: ziprecruiter.com/nash. Guys, ZipRecruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. With their powerful matching technology, ZipRecruiter scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. Do you ever, like, when I'm reading these ads, do you ever think, wow, David's a good reader?

Yeah, you've gotten a lot better.

Because sometimes I read these and I go, oh my God, I'm going so quick right now. I hope people can understand me.

You do go quick, which is nice for the listener.

It's like I'm— I don't know.

You're good, you're good, you're good at reading. Thank you, Jason. You've done a good job.

And listen, by the way, speaking of jobs, ZipRecruiter is so effective that 4 out of 5 of employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. And right now, our listeners could try ZipRecruiter for free at ziprecruiter.com/nash. That's ziprecruiter.com/nash. Ziprecruiter.com/nash. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Guys, if you need me to read anything, um, you can probably find me on ZipRecruiter because I'm getting way better at it.

David's on ZipRecruiter.

Listen, listen to the podcast before, like a couple, couple weeks ago. I didn't know how to read.

I'd love to tell you your reads are trash, but I actually like—

but I have learned so much. Great. Um, Jay, I'm hosting the Teen Choice Awards. Very excited for you. Which is—

am I going?

I don't know about that. They're giving me a plus 15, so I have to really— I have to really think about who I want to bring. Okay, I'll make some different plans that day. Um, no, but that's— I'm really nervous. I've never hosted for anything. I'm hosting with Lucy Hale, which I'm pumped about because she's hosted seen them before, so I know she's like a veteran.

I went back and I watched one from 2017. Yeah, and it'll be a cakewalk for you. It will?

Yeah, I was gonna send it to you. I'm so scared of fucking this up, bro. Is it live? It's—

no.

Oh, it's taped to be live though. Oh, you're great. It airs the next day. But yeah, so I'm hosting that. I'm really excited about that.

Have you worked with a prompter yet?

No, I have to read off a prompter, which is I guess kind of cool because after that Zipper Cutter ad read I just did I'm pretty damn good at reading. Your reading has come so far. Maybe that's why they hired me to host the Teen Choice, because like, we've been listening to your ad reads.

After that 60 Minutes piece about you being a famous YouTuber that can't read, you've really come along.

No, but yeah, I'm excited for that.

What are you gonna— what are you gonna be doing, you think? You're gonna be like— do you doing tape pieces, remote pieces, or you just go up there?

I have no idea. It's a week away. I know, I don't know yet. They really haven't filled me in.

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm so nervous.

What did they say to you? They said good luck. Are they Russian?

Good luck, David. Good luck. No, I don't know. I'll figure it out and I'll keep you updated. You're gonna bring your camera? Actually, the day of rehearsals for it is also the premiere of Angry Birds.

Oh, how are you gonna do that?

I don't know. I'm having a super Hollywood weekend. I'm going to the movie premiere that I'm in because I have one line in it and I get a ticket to the premiere, which is pretty fucking sick. That's pretty great. The director— every time I say I have one line in the movie, the director like sends me a DM. He's like, you know you have a couple others, right? Like reassuring me. I appreciate that. But yeah, I— well guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. I got to go to Lollapalooza. My friends are currently getting drugged and drunk and I gotta go film them.

My Comedy Central show comes out August 13th. Oh wait, so yeah, I know David's excited about it. He's gonna be plugging it on on his Instagram story.

So yeah, go follow me on Instagram so you can see those plugs.

Instagram is @davidobrey. Second Chances.

Yeah, that's the name of it. I'm looking forward to it. All right, thank you guys for listening. My name is Jeff. Bye.