Rushing My Friend To The Hospital

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. Today's podcast I'm gonna try to do solely on my own. I've been seeing all the comments about how annoying Jason can get, and I am listening to you guys. Jason will still be talking with me, but after in the edit we will be cutting everything out.

So that— Great, Dave. And you— That's right.

Roll intro music.

I had a dream. So last night I had a dream that, um, someone came to the house— not our house, but a different house that we were in, right? And they were trying to kill us. Completely serious, deadass. And I was like trying to figure out like a room with you to hide in. I just didn't want to tell you. She wasn't part of the dream. She was probably there.

My man.

She's probably the one coming in to murder us. She's the one with a knife. All right, so you had a dream. Where do we hide in this room? I always think about what would happen if someone comes in here to murder me. Yeah, I know what it's going to be. I know. I know it's going to be like— it's going to be a knife to the neck.

Yeah.

Like while I'm sleeping. And then like, and then like a bunch of knives right into my stomach or in my chest.

I think about it too.

Yeah. Like, that's what it's going to be. It's going to be a multiple stabbing situation.

Yeah.

It's so interesting how, like, how easy it can happen.

You should have security here. 100%.

That is what we should not say. And that is also what we should not say.

Yeah, those two things we should not say. Ilya goes, "It's so easy. It's so crazy how easy it is to find this house." And Jason goes, "Yeah, and it's so accessible." "Anyone could just walk in and fuck these guys." Especially with the front gate code being 1111. Right.

Right.

Well, listen. Well, we're changing the gate code. That's our first step. And no, it's— once you come in here, you'll find out that we actually have security set up in here. Right, right, right. Taylor, I'm looking at Jason like, come on. Yeah, Natalie's here. Natalie wakes up.

I've never seen Natalie beat anyone's ass. I got to be honest. She's not.

You never—

you never—

she's all bark.

You've never asked me to be— you never asked me to be inserted.

Now, I want to make things clear, too. I know sometimes we're not on the right foot, but I will protect you if somebody comes in here.

I highly doubt that.

I know. I know. I was really nasty to you in the last podcast. I just want to make it up by saying some stuff.

Saying that is not making up for anything you said in the last podcast.

I just want to cover my ass for that one tweet that I saw.

There was a tweet. Someone tweeted about Jason, and it was like, hey, isn't this the old guy from David's vlog? And it was a literal picture of a rat, and its face was in pudding. It was a cat. It was a cat. It was a cat, but it looked like a rat.

It looked like a rat.

It was like the ugliest cat, and its face was covered in white pudding. It was like, you know, to make like Jason like look like the ugliest fucking piece of shit ever. And it didn't even have Jason's name. It just said, isn't this the guy? Isn't this the old guy from David's vlog? And I fucking laughed. Like I laughed so loud when I saw it and I was like, I gotta like this. But then I like, I had an argument in my head. I was like, I know if I like it, it's going to get a lot more likes because people will see it. And I thought to me at my house, I found, I found, I found it. At like 45 likes when I found a good place to leave it. Yeah.

45 likes, more than enough.

So, so I was like, fuck it. This needs some support, even though he's my friend. So I liked it. And then yeah. When did you see it?

I saw it at 6,900 likes, almost 7,000 likes. And I was like, what the fuck? This girl has 218 followers. I don't look like this at all.

I checked on it right before the podcast. It has 75,000 likes. That's fucking crazy.

That's brutal.

Like, I knew what was going, you know, I knew what I was getting myself into, but by liking that, and I apologize, it didn't affect him at all.

So hard for you.

I saw, I saw how many likes it got. Like, when I checked it, 75,000. I texted you and I was like, yo, hey man, just a heads up. Yeah, that's— I'm sorry I'm torturing you.

We haven't had it even though I haven't seen you in 2 weeks.

Ilya, when, um, when you had that dream about someone breaking in, was there any specifics to how we were being—

can we analyze that dream?

Dude, you can't fucking analyze dreams.

People love when I analyze dreams.

Okay, go.

They love it.

Let's just— I won't even argue with them. Well, what happened?

Okay, so we got— I don't know how this intruder like came about, but I remember going up to like the front window and, and like someone was like shooting like a gun.

Yeah.

And I ran to the back. This is like a very probably, I don't know, 10-minute dream slotted in a Well, you know, dreams are actually 10 seconds. Are they really?

Yeah. Dreams are really quick.

Oh, shit.

And it's usually right before you wake up, right? Isn't that how it works?

Is that true? Dreams are really quick. They're not long.

No, they're like 30, 40 seconds at most.

Okay.

Well, anyway, I mean, I've also had our dream expert over here, David Dobrik. I, you know, I was actually very into dreaming. I just taught Ilya what lucid dreaming is.

You actually haven't.

Oh, I love lucid dreaming.

He doesn't know what it is. Isn't that fucking crazy?

I've done it a couple of times.

Well, have you done it or do you think you've done it? Because I think I've done it too, but I also can be just bullshitting.

I mean, I was high, but I think I did it.

You're probably awake. You're probably— you probably just thought you were dreaming when you were awake. Do you know what lucid dreaming is, Natalie?

Yeah, I don't.

It's when you come in your sleep.

No, no, Dave, that's not what it is.

No, no, I've been lucid dreaming so wrong. I've been— I've been having the most lucid dreaming is when you control your dreams.

Oh, so you're like aware.

Yeah. And if you do it the right way, you also come in your dream. That lucid dreaming is like when you like, when you know that you're dreaming and you can like alter the dream in some way. So you can be like, I'm going to fly now. And then you fly through the streets of Chicago or something.

Like a video game.

It is cool. And like the way you do it is like the way people say you should do it is you should always take notes when you wake up, like always write down your dreams and throughout the day like you should set up tests for yourself where you know that you're like in a— in the real world and when you're dreaming. So then you can like figure out, like out of a movie, like the first step of lucid dreaming is realizing you're dreaming, right? That's what it is. And then, and then you can do— I don't know, I've definitely been in situations where I've been dreaming and I've woken up and I've gone, wow, that was a cool dream, I'm gonna go back into it.

Yeah.

And then I go back, right? Like, you guys have never had that?

I've always, I've always wanted to do that, but I've never gone back into that dream.

You know what's also weird about Ilya that he can't do? He can't tell when guys are attractive.

Yeah, I have a really difficult time.

That's bullshit. That's what I think.

And I swear to God it's not, Jay. But like, it's like even—

Am I attractive?

I have no idea.

But, but, but, but— well, let me help you out with that one. Um, no, I just think— I think it's— and it's not him like being masculine at all. Like, he, he doesn't give a fuck about that. He'd put my dick in his mouth if it came to it, right?

I can show you a picture of me with my shirt off, and I can show you a picture of Ryan Gosling.

Okay, well, it's not about your shirt off. It's about your facial structure. That's what I don't understand.

I can show you a picture of my old fucking candle-waxed face, and then I show you a picture of Ryan Gosling or Harry Styles, and you're not gonna go, oh, Harry Styles is good-looking, I can tell, right?

It was Harry Styles, and I was like, look at this guy, he's fucking stunning. And he's like, I can't tell. What the fuck you mean you can't tell?

I've heard a lot of guys say this.

About what?

What, what you're saying about Ilya. I've heard a lot of guys say that. I can't tell if guys are hot.

That's so— that's so—

I, I wish you can see it from my point of view. It's like, it, it really doesn't make any sense.

But like, but how does it not make sense for you? Look at a guy and you, you can tell if he's—

Brad Pitt. Okay, Brad Pitt. You can't see Brad Pitt?

No.

Yo, that guy's a good-looking guy.

What do you mean not at all?

Not at all.

Do you think you're good-looking?

I have no idea, dude.

Oh shit, dude, let me tell you a story. Let me tell you a story.

I was having— I was having a meeting with with my office girls back in my company like 2 years ago, right? And one of them walked in and she was— this was like after hours, she was drunk.

Yeah.

And she, she said something along the lines of like, oh yeah, you're cute. And I was like, what do you mean? And she had another person with her and they started explaining to me how I'm kind of attractive. And I'm like, well, what do you— what does that mean? Like, I don't think I'm attractive at all. Like, up until that time, I was like, I don't think I'm attractive at all. I thought I was a gross motherfucking looking dude. Like Seriously.

Oh, shit.

I swear to God.

I mean, you're not the best looking dude, right?

I know I'm not the best looking, but I'm opposite. I was like, there's no way I'm good looking. That's— I never thought that.

Is it like a confidence issue?

No, no, it's just I can— I don't understand. Like, I don't get it.

I don't know. I've never heard this in my life.

I never look in the mirror and go, go ever. No, I look good today. Oh, okay.

The only thing is your dick. You'll talk about your right.

My dick is good looking.

We've talked about this in the past 3 podcasts. Sorry, Ilya's sex and his fucking dick.

But that's all he brings up is how good looking his dick is.

Hold on.

How can you tell? How happy or good looking your dick?

Not sure.

Maybe it's your dick waving back at you. Like, does he have a smiley face on?

One thing that I can tell easily is like a guy's body. Like, obviously I think that a nice body adds to, you know, the overall overall.

But you're saying like the face, you can't tell if it's good, the structure of the face.

To his point, like, I feel like, I feel like male beauty and female beauty is so different. Like, Brad Pitt is kind of like a grungy looking guy. But he's still like sexy, you know?

I think he's just sexy and he's not just perfect and he's not grungy.

He is a little grungy, like when he's not shooting, like he smokes pot and stuff, but he's like really good looking. Leonardo DiCaprio.

Brad Pitt is like— Brad Pitt is like—

yeah, but Leo, but I don't know.

Oh, he's— yeah, like Leo, like people think Leo's really good looking. I'm like, I don't, I don't get that at all, dude. It's so weird. And I try to understand it, but I'm sure, I'm sure like I would love him, but I'm just saying, like, I'm sure if I got to know him, he'd be great.

That'll just be conversation.

I'm good looking.

Oh, is this what this is all about?

No, be honest. Please be honest. And like, do it from your point of view. I want to know that first. And then like from a woman's point of view.

Um, like, like just off physical, like not like knowing you.

Yeah, right, right. Like you see me at a shopping center.

Um, Jesus, why are you thinking so? Why are you thinking so much? Yes or no? You think he's good looking?

Yes.

No, I think you're good looking.

What the fuck did that— why did that take you so long?

Well, because I was, I was, I was calculating multiple factors in my head. I should just like—

No, you fucking look at him. It's not— he's not an equation. You look at him and you know if he's good looking or not.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. Do you think Jason's good looking?

Yeah, I think Jason a couple of years ago was good looking, right?

A couple of years ago. I don't know about that.

Okay. Okay.

What about when I was skinnier, Natalie?

Well, No, come on, for real, be honest. Am I good-looking? Um, yes. Oh, fuck yes. I told you she had a crush on me.

But there is something to knowing the person that makes it hard. I agree with— I think what you're trying to say—

personality.

If I walk by Ilya at the grocery store, yeah, I have really good— like, I love looking at— I like, like, all kinds of people. Like, I love, like, sexy guys and sexy girls. Like, I just love looking at people. I feel like they're so interesting. I would not mark you as a sexy guy. Okay. Like, that would not be like— I wouldn't be like, that guy's really good looking. But knowing him, you know, he's a lot more attractive.

Yeah, but he's like fit. Like, I feel like that goes a long way.

He's fit for sure, but his face is a little mousy.

Mousy?

I don't know. I just wanted to use a word. Do you like ranch on your pizza?

No.

Okay. Just trying to change the topic.

Trying to divert.

He called his best friend a fucking mouse.

I see.

Like, I don't think you're good looking at all.

You don't think I'm good looking at all?

Um, let me put the mic down. Don't smile like that.

You've seen me enough.

Yeah, I mean, like, you're kind of chubby.

You don't think?

Okay, like, your face is kind of like doughy.

You look like a lizard. Okay, fair enough.

I will say David does have his moments where I'm like, What the fuck? Yeah, like, basically it depends on the lighting in the day.

Like, something happens weird every day. I look different. Like, sometimes I'll look like I've been underwater for too long. Like, in my face, my face will look like it just absorbed all the moisture in the room and it looks puffy and like soggy. Um, and sometimes I look good. It's really interesting. Yeah, and it changes from like every day. I think it's what I eat the day before.

100%. It's probably like the salt content in your food or something.

Oh yeah, that's what it is.

Tomorrow's gonna be a shitty day.

Tomorrow I'm gonna look ugly as fuck after I knock down this pizza.

Um, but yeah, sorry, you were protecting David from the murderer and it was so that, that must be something to do with you just moving here, right?

I like grabbed his hand. Yeah, I like grabbed his hand and like I dragged him to like the bottom level of the house and I was like, dude, we gotta hide. And we were hiding in the room and there was gunshots. I'm like, fuck, what do we do? And then the dream ended.

Wow. Just Natalie being killed upstairs. Fuck, what do we do? I think, I think we're good. I think they got what they came for.

I think that's literally what you said. Oh my God.

I think we're fine. Right on, Taylor. Our assistant was like, I was having a Zoom call with the school yesterday. Oh, there's so much to talk about this fucking Zoom call. Oh yeah, I was having a Zoom call. Like, colleges will pay me to do a Zoom call and, and I'll come and I'll talk to the students. And the moderator, really sweet guy, he was like, my roommates keep shouting in the other room, like, questions to ask me. And I was like, dude, fucking introduce me to these people. Like, I'd love to meet your roommates. And, and his roommates come in because they hear me say it and they go like, hey, like super pumped up. I'm super pumped up. And one of the girls lifts up her shirt and just her full-on titty, no bra, nothing, broadcasted to 1,000 students from that school. Yeah. And I felt so bad for the kid and I'm like, dude, like, it is not your fault. I basically asked for that titty. It's all on me. And then, and then another time, another time, one of the questions was like, do you hurt your friends? Like, that was one of the questions. And I was like, well, I feel like I always like ask before I hurt somebody.

Yeah.

Like, I always ask for, like, their consent if I could shoot them with a paintball gun or whatever. Like, that's kind of like my rule. And then, and then someone gave me— and then the next question was fuck, marry, kill the 3 people in the room. And I was like, well, I'd probably fuck Natalie, marry Ilya, and kill Taylor. Taylor goes, wow, I thought you would ask people before you hurt them. And that was, that was a really good Taylor moment.

Taylor.

Taylor with the zinger.

Taylor's learning.

Put it on, put it on, put it on.

You didn't even think about it.

You just said kill Taylor like it was like came out of your mouth so fast. You were like immediately kill Taylor. You have to understand, these are my hometown friends. No, I, I, of course I'm going to fuck them first. I would— I totally get it.

It's just you didn't—

obviously it bothered you. And I didn't want to say this, but Taylor came up to me later and talked to me about it in private. It really bothered her. She's like, what was that with the fuck, marry, kill back there?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm kidding.

Those fuck, marry, kills are tough. Yeah, they're, they're tough.

Jason, if you had to fuck, marry, kill me— oh, fuck it. That's Natalie. You had to fuck, marry, kill me, Jason, Ilya.

Obviously she's going to fucking kill me.

So, I mean, yeah, you just literally just signed.

Oh, this is a good one.

Okay, but ask me. Ask me.

No, no, no. Who do you marry?

Me?

No, no, no, no.

Fuck David and marry Ilya.

I'd kill David and then fuck his dead body. Matt, okay, you would kill Jason, obviously. What would you do with me and Ilya?

Um, I'd kill both of you.

No, I mean, this is tough. In the present moment, if I didn't know how your futures were gonna end up?

And yeah, I think we know how the futures are going to end up. Well, I think someone's going to be sitting on a pile of money.

I think— listen, I don't think it doesn't matter, right? Like, when you marry, when you marry somebody, you don't think about that. Yeah.

Okay, let me go. I'm thinking that I want, like—

Natalie, I'm really gonna look at you differently after this, so be careful.

I know.

So I think I'm already dead, by the way.

I think that there's something more powerful than money.

What the fuck? What am I, just a bag of money to you? I'm just fucking a bag of money?

No, you're a really great guy.

Okay, finish your sentence.

I think I'd marry Ilia and then fuck you.

Oh, and then fuck me after, during the marriage, right?

And have an affair for sure.

You guys are horny over here.

Tell me exactly how you'd fuck me, Natalie.

Why does nobody want to fuck me, man? Yo, man, I'm married 3 times now.

Maybe if you fucking believe in yourself for being attractive, maybe people would like that quality about you more.

David, I noticed you have a new assistant here. I was wondering if you've given her— it's her first day. I wonder if you've given her the full David yet.

Oh, shit. Yeah.

Oh, no, not yet.

No, no. Is it like public that we have— that Elle is working here? I mean, I didn't fucking put out a PSA about it, but like, it's obvious, right?

What's obvious about it?

Not obvious. There's no video and she hasn't said anything yet, so it's not obvious to anybody.

Okay.

I think I can hear a third assistant on this podcast in the back.

All right, give it to Alex.

Actually, knowing your fucking fans, they would be like, do you hear something in the room?

Yeah, when Jason screamed, it bounced off weird, like there was someone sitting in the corner. Weird.

Okay, Ella, have you gotten the full day? You've only been here for 8 hours. Have you gotten the full David yet?

I don't think so.

Ella's here. She's from New York. She's part of the team now. The roles are a little bit confusing. No one's getting fired. Okay, so Ella, you just came in from New York, correct? You hate LA, not a fan.

Oh, what?

I never said that.

You're just— you like New York more.

I like New York.

She's a New York fan. You're either fucking New York or LA. She's New York.

That's bullshit.

Okay, whatever.

People from New York have such a chip on their shoulder about LA. I lived in New York and people in New York are always like, LA fucking sucks. And people know I can't take you seriously with your haircut.

You look like a decoy.

I have a mohawk.

Okay, Ella, so first day here, got off your flight. Right when she came in, we had like a team meeting. Okay. And we got into sort of like an argument in the team meeting.

Yeah.

What were first impressions of coming here?

Who got into an argument?

Overwhelmed.

No, I think the first thing I came into was tennis balls being thrown, right?

I was filming a TikTok with Ilya and I was hitting him with tennis balls. So that's the first thing she walked in on.

That's the first thing. And that was more expected. I think I was expecting more something like that. And so I was very pleasantly surprised by, you know, I came into what I expected, right? And then I was not expecting the— what happened in the meeting.

Who was fighting? Let me guess, you two?

No, no, no.

So we had another David with himself.

So we had another person from the team come and we kind of got into it about like certain, like, business, future business moves.

Yeah.

And it wasn't like a nasty fight at all, but it was definitely like, what are you talking about? That makes no sense. Like, it was that kind of—

it was intense.

Yeah.

You know, when he patronizes you because you don't— you don't see it his way, so he just fucking drills it, right?

Exactly.

Natalie, suck a dick. So yeah, so you were there for that.

So I was there sitting in the background listening, just, you know.

Yeah, and it was a great welcoming. I don't know, are you excited about working here? I'm very excited about working here. What's she supposed to say? That's the best part. Because right after all the screaming, it's just like we turned to her and we're like, well, welcome to the team. So yes, we have a new person working here.

Um, you guys are curbing your actions now that there's a new person here?

Yeah, bro, before she fucking came, before she came, like Taylor and Natalie and like all you guys were talking about like, should we warn her about like David? And I was like, what the fuck does that mean? Should we warn her about David? What would she not know? I don't know. Um, what should she expect, Jason?

Just pandemonium, you know, and just, uh, and nothing to make sense. Yeah, just like everything you know about like water being cold or air or the sky being blue, none of that exists here. None of it exists here.

That's an accurate description.

I think it's a weird world, man. And the best thing for you to do is to drink the Kool-Aid immediately. That's what I did. I have a Tesla.

I mean, if you were to be serious for a second, The sky isn't blue.

It's the way that your eyes look at it and it appears in your mind.

No, I'm kidding. I don't know. Do you have anything that you're— do you have any questions like that you want to ask publicly? I know this isn't the wrong— like, do you have any, like, do you have any concerns that you want to address? Like, have there been any regrets since you've been here for the last 6 hours?

No.

Okay, so honestly, there hasn't been a second in your head where you've been like, oh shit, maybe I'm in the wrong place? No.

No, one second.

When you got here, I will be honest, for like the first 2 minutes I was like, what the fuck do I do? You just got here. And I was like, do you want water? And you're like, I'm good. And I was like, are you sure? Just fucking drink something.

Even Jason said it was a bit weird too. Yeah, the way I was greeted into—

well, that's a corona thing. We went in for a hug and then I stopped because I wasn't sure if you wanted to hug me.

But as you said, it will now be imprinted into my mind.

Yes.

Else, that's good.

What's the—

no regrets.

I've got a lot of tips for you if you want to.

I'll hit you up.

Email you, you know, get them on the hammock. It's a good place for him.

I do like resting on the hammock. I already told— I walked her through my creative place in my bedroom, which is on my bed that I don't want anybody—

sounds really creepy, man.

Um, no, but do you, do you have any— you have any— no fears? Nothing? You're, you're ready to go?

Oh, many fears. But I think they'll be— they'll be fine.

I think it's so fun working here, right? Yeah.

You love yourself, so that makes sense.

Go fuck yourself.

I hung out with you a little bit in New York and you seem like the right— you're like really competent. So that goes for a lot around here because no one here is competent.

Hey, speak for yourself.

Okay.

You love snacking?

Love snacking.

That may be an issue.

Uh-oh. Competing snackers at the fridge.

Natalie may get— Natalie may Don't touch my nut pins, Ella! Listen, bitch, you're new here. It's going to fucking— by the fridge, it's going to get really fucking nasty.

You're not living here either, so yeah, here's the rule: just don't touch—

don't touch Natalie's nut pins. Don't touch the nut pins, then you're good. That's the—

I already wrote that down in my—

when you touch Natalie's nut pins, it's like a a fucking Wolverine comes out of her. But okay, well, thank you for being on the podcast.

Thank you.

Thank you for sacrificing the rest of your year to work here. Yesterday I did this thing where I went into a store and I, on a dollar bill, I wrote my initials and I put like a secret code on the back. And I made a TikTok where if somebody finds it, I'm going to give them $10,000. So like kind of like a serendipity type of thing. Have you seen Serendipity?

Yeah.

Yeah. Like in the movie, the girl writes her name on a phone number and then the guy finds the phone number later. Why are you laughing?

Are you trying to give away $10,000 or get a girlfriend?

I want a girlfriend.

Anyone find it?

No, no one found it yet. But like, we were going to like pick like a, like a gas station to give the money to.

Yeah.

And every— we took the fucking Ferrari, so it was like the most obnoxious car. So every gas station we'd pull up at, there'd be like a kid that would be coming to come say hello or like they saw us on the street, so they'd be coming to say hello. So we kept driving to different gas stations to like No one saw us and we'd sneak in. So because I didn't want anybody to see the TikTok and be like, oh my God, I just saw him at that gas station. Yeah, I'm going to ask for all their singles. But yeah, no one found it yet. So I'm just putting it out there. If anybody finds a dollar bill with my signature on it and the code on the back, let me know and I will PayPal you $10,000. That'd be really fun to see where that dollar bill ends up. If— did you find it?

I have a dollar bill right here. I followed you and Ilya yesterday.

Shut up.

The Chevron on Ventura?

Nope.

Fuck.

I lied about it being a gas station too, just for the podcast. Damn it.

I went to a hamster's funeral over Zoom yesterday.

Whoa, you did what?

I went to a hamster's funeral over Zoom yesterday.

Jesus, I'm sorry.

These kids were having a funeral for a hamster.

How old was he?

He was 2.

How'd he pass?

His name was Tango, actually.

His name was actually Tango?

Yeah. Shut up.

How did he die?

I don't know how he died, but I went to it thinking like—

bike accident?

Huh?

A biking accident? Yeah, he was on a hike. How do hamsters die? Or do they just—

you know, hamsters only live like 2 and a half years.

Yeah, they just die.

Yeah, that's so crazy.

They just croak. Anyways, I got there and I was like, oh man, this would be maybe kind of fun. But they, they were— they took it deadly serious.

Oh shit.

But, but they were being funny too, so it wasn't that much. I had a weird— I was adjusting.

Yeah.

Okay. Like, I couldn't— it was like super serious.

I couldn't adjust to it because they were like performance artists or like actual actors, right? Or like trying to take it seriously.

And I was just like, okay, did they show the hamster was in an open casket? Or was it just— was he just in a tiny shot glass urn? Like, what was he— what was his body look like?

He was around his owner's neck, stuffed.

Jesus Christ.

Not at all.

You sick fuck.

They did do one funny joke. They go and they go, they go, and we're here to say goodbye to Tango. Jason Nash has joined us. He is known for his one appearance on Drake and Josh and for hanging out with people way too young for him.

Did you give a speech?

No, no, I didn't give a speech. Then they sang the Canadian national anthem and holy shit, had to go.

I also prank called you today. Yeah, that was fun. And I played this. This is what I played right when Jason picked up. You're receiving a call from Los Angeles County Prison. Please press 5 to accept this call. This is like a TikTok trend that's going around, like call your parents. So I call Jason. And what did you think?

Well, first I saw no caller ID, right?

It's already a red flag.

And then, yeah. And so I picked it up and it said prison, and I was like, oh, it's Jonah, right? I know this sounds like a Jonah prank.

Yeah, it's pretty dumb for me to do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so then I picked up and you were pretty convincing on the phone, right? Like, you're a good actor. And but still, I was just like, God damn, has he fucking sunk to this shit? Jason, you really don't have an idea.

He said, goes, you just want me to pretend like I don't know you're kidding, so you get a TikTok out of this. And I was like, no, fuck it.

You called your mom too, right?

I called my mom, did the same prank. I definitely fucked that one up. After she goes, she gets worried and she goes, this is a prank. And I go, yeah, it's a prank. Got you. Haha. And she's like, your grandmother's in the hospital. And this is what you're doing to me right now. And then she hangs up.

It's like out of a movie.

It was literally— I thought she was pranking me back. She was, motherfucker. Yeah, that was really sad. That actually bummed me out. I felt bad.

Oh, it's okay. Your mom's very resilient. Yeah, but she's over it.

I'm just surprised she, like, did that. I was surprised she just, like, turned it on me like that. I was like, Jesus Christ, this is really dark. The other day, the other day, Ilya called me at like 4. We didn't talk about this.

No.

The other day, Ilya called me at like 4 a.m. I don't even know how I woke up to my phone ringing. I usually never do that.

That was weird. I was like, whoa.

Yeah. And I picked up and he's like, and he's like, Dave, Dave, come to the room right now. And I was like, fuck, what the fuck's going on? And he's like, my shoulder popped out. My shoulder popped out. So I fucking went in there and, and I was like, what the—

what, dude? Jason, dude, you should have seen David. He walks into my room. I swear to God, I've never seen him more serious in my life. Yeah, he walks in, he's like, what do I do?

Do you want to know why you thought to grab your camera? I'll be honest, why I was being super over-the-top serious—

like, he wasn't like laughing, he like totally emotionless, like no emotion, right?

There was a reason I was being over-the-top serious, and it's because I was also simultaneously filming So I wanted Ilya to know, hey, I'm filming this, but I'm also taking this seriously. So I wanted to, like, put you in, like, filming it. Yeah. I walked in with my phone, like, my phone was on, like I was going to make a TikTok.

But I think that I was going to make it good for you, Dave.

Fucking be ready. That's right. Hell yeah. That's the attitude we need.

Thank you.

Good job.

So, yeah, I was— well, because I was going to make his shoulder. It wasn't— it was that Because, you know, I thought, okay, I have to put Ilya's shoulder back in place. It's going to be a fucking hilarious TikTok or we go to the hospital, whatever the situation is. So, yeah, but no, I was— I also wanted you to know that I was serious. I was going to help you. But I also— do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I definitely felt that.

And then I was looking to get a TikTok with 10 million views.

Yeah. So then I tried— I tried putting his shoulder back into place.

No.

Yeah.

And he's like— and he's like, I fucking can't do it. I can't do it.

What's that like to try to pop a shoulder in?

Oh my God. It is so bad.

Does it hurt?

So like what I told him to do was I— so I lay down on the bed and my arm, like when it's popped out, it's like this, like it's like sideways.

Can you move your arm?

You can— I can move this part, right? But I just can't— I can't move this part, right?

What part pops out?

Perfect for an audio podcast. This is the part I can move. Not this part.

Can't move your shoulder part.

My— like the fucking bone that like— the bone that sits in like the hole socket, the socket, right? It pops out of place.

Right.

So what's so painful? Is it like pulling on nerves or something?

Or it's pulling on nerves, muscle? Like there's like tissue that like is all separated. It's fucked up and it's like, it's like the most agonizing pain ever.

So Ilya just, Ilya just gave up. Um, so, so he called the police. He was like, I'm just calling, I'm calling 911, right? Call 911, fire truck is coming. And I'm always like hesitant to call 911 because I'm like, I don't want to waste these guys' time. And I know he's going through it. But at the same time, I'm like, I can just drive you. I'll just drive you to the hospital.

Yeah.

Is it quicker to drive in?

No. Well, he thought if you call 911, when they put you in the ambulance, they get you into the room, right into the emergency room.

Right into the emergency room.

Yeah.

But that wasn't the case when the guys came. So they were just like, yeah, man, we drive you. We're just going to take you to the front door. Same as if he'd drive you. So I was like, okay, I'll just drive him instead. And I felt bad because they like, you know, you know how like firefighters wake up in the fucking middle of the night and they're like, yeah, slide down that pole or whatever. And, you know, they want to put out fucking fires.

Like, I clench my nuts for this.

I was, yeah, like, I was like, I was like, when they were here, I was like, you want me to set the kitchen on fire so you guys have something to do? Because I felt bad. I was like, this isn't enough. So yeah, I got— I put it in my car. We went to the emergency room and they wouldn't let me stay in there. So I sat outside of it at 4 in the morning in my car. I never thought I would ever use this feature, but I turned on Netflix in my car and I watched a full movie while he was being fixed.

Oh wow.

Isn't that crazy? I watched a fucking movie.

Would you watch?

40 Days and 40 Nights. Or yeah, 40 Days and 40 Nights.

Oh yeah, I've seen that.

It's the movie where he gives up sex and masturbating for 40 days and 40 nights. Could you give up sex and masturbating? Could you give up masturbating for 40 days?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, I know. Sorry. Well, let's start with masturbating for 40 days.

Stop masturbating. And it's been like a good, good thing.

I have a friend who has— I don't want to say his name, but apparently it was great.

And what did he get out of it?

Bragging rights. That's all you do. I mean, that's all you get out of it. You got— you got— There's something about it that makes you feel less dirty and you go, it's been 3 weeks. Like, that's all you get is you get to say that it's been 3 weeks.

No, you get more than that.

You think?

I don't know.

That's what people say. Yeah. Could you go 40 days?

Never. I mean, like, masturbating is like the best thing.

Yeah. The scary part about Ilya is like, like, we'll be playing video games and now he lives here. So like, he'll sign off and he'll go, guys, I got to go. I got to go whack it real quick. And like, oh, it's such a bizarre thing because like, He's not like turning off the PlayStation and going to his own home. He's literally a room down. He's a room down. And I'm like, okay, well, he's going to masturbate. So I'm just like, okay, well, hold on. Can we talk about that one story when, um, is it weird masturbating in my house?

Yeah, it was weird at first, but then I got used to it.

How do you think I popped my shoulder out?

Yeah, wait, how was it? How was it the first couple times?

There's literally photos of David staring down at you in every wall of your room.

Wait, wait, wait, there's been two You've been here for 2 weeks.

Yeah.

How many times have you jerked off?

Well, I didn't jerk off like the first 4 days. Right.

Too, too uncomfortable.

Right, right. And then I was like, I got to try.

Okay.

So then since then, since then, pretty much like every day. Okay. Do you ever do twice a day?

No, no.

Okay. Right.

Should I tell you when I do it so it's like less weird?

No, you don't have to tell me.

I wouldn't. I don't like that at all. I don't like my friends work. I'm going to go jerk it.

You guys later.

Yeah, could you go 40 days and 40— fuck no, you couldn't go 40 days without masturbating?

Wait, I'll do it with you if you want.

Yeah, there's no way.

Oh, you'll go 40 days without?

Why would you torture yourself? That's literally torture.

Okay, if I told you I'll give you $10,000 to go—

I don't even think I'd do it for $10,000.

$100,000?

I'd probably do it for $100,000.

Okay, me too.

Josh Peck gave me this sperm.

Probably do it for $100,000. You wouldn't do it for like $10,000?

No fucking way, Natalie.

It's not that easy.

Yeah, it's really— it's—

what are you— are you crazy?

I do it for $10,000.

40 days.

Natalie. 40 days.

A month.

Wait, how many? How many? How many days can you go without doing it?

I could definitely go 40 days. Yeah.

What, you masturbate?

No, I just roped her into that.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on.

Do you masturbate?

No.

Bullshit.

Oh my God. Fucking everybody does it. Who gives a fuck?

Don't fucking lie. Do you masturbate when we're in the house?

When we're in the room? Are you masturbating? Same time when I masturbate.

You're going to make direct eye contact with my my vagina, you fucking weirdos.

We should have masturbation sessions. Like, no, really? Why?

That is not okay. I'm not together.

Like, everyone in separate rooms.

Everyone can do their own thing.

Like Zoom sessions. Still weird. Still weird whether you do— whether you have a masturbation session on Zoom or not. I mean, Nat, how long can you go?

Definitely, definitely 40 days.

Jake, you— can you go 40 days for $10,000?

Uh, yeah, if you want to pay me $10,000, I'll do it.

Fuck that. I don't want to pay you. I believe you can do it. I just don't think I would be interested to see what it felt like.

I feel like at a certain point you just kind of lose it, like, ah, whatever. Like, if you concentrate enough in the beginning, which I feel like is the hardest, doesn't just fall out of you at some point?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, say you're on your 35th day, you're like washing yourself, won't you just kind of like—

yeah, you'll come in your sleep. You're like, yeah, yes, that's what I've heard, bro.

Bullshit.

You'll come naturally.

You'll just be walking and be like, I'm sorry, man, I'm 40 days in.

Yeah. Like, your body will literally come like a—

like a bird shitting in the sky. Like, in the middle of the sky.

No, no, no. You feel it coming. Like, you'll come.

I took a semen test the other day for my friend's YouTube video, and like, I had to, like, come in the thing.

Do you ever think that you would make us— that you would say a sentence like that?

Never.

He showed— it was Josh Peck. He showed up at my door. He's like, buddy, I need a favor. And I was like, okay, I'll do it. And then I jerked off like 4 days in a row, and every time when I would cum, I forgot to catch the fucking cum. Every time I'd be like, okay, this is the time, and then I'd get so involved in whatever I was masturbating to, I'd be like, oh, Joe, cut this out of the podcast, please.

I want to keep the viewers. Um, that's crazy.

I'll tell you, as I got older, it's like sex is not I can't get it up is basically what I'm trying to say.

All right guys, well that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you to our guests. Thank you to our new assistant Ella. Thank you Ilya, Natalie, Taylor, Dima, and Jason. We'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff.

Bye bye guys.