My Neighbor Hates My Roommates

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. We are back, we are live, and Jason wanted to tell me something, but I started real quick. What's wrong?

Your security guard is a demon. Oh, he scares me. Damn it, every single time.

Oh, okay, good.

I guess he's doing his job. He's also scaring the fucking living shit out of me.

Do you know we had to get a new one? Oh, you did? Again.

Because the guy you had, I would walk out and he would come out of the bush and he'd be like, "All done?" And I'd be like, "Ah!" He'd say, "All done?" Yeah.

Oh, like you're leaving the house?

Yeah, because I'm leaving, you know, I do the pod and then I leave.

No, so our neighbor called and apparently our security guard was peeing in her bushes.

Oh God, yeah, he was not right.

And he was like sitting, he was— first of all, he drives his SUV here, like really cool badass security SUV. Then for some reason he sits outside of it and he puts down, um, uh, he would put down like a little like, you know, July 4th chair, whatever those things. Yeah, like a little foldable, little foldable chair into the yard, like into the flowers of the neighbor, and he would just sit there. And we didn't know this until like I saw a picture of it. I was like, oh my God, he's just stomping on the neighbor's flowers. Um, so yeah, so we had to get a new one.

It's funny when you're putting your, you know, your trust in someone who's scary as hell.

Yeah, it is kind of scary because like our security guard can easily be the actual problem. Yeah, and when he had John as a security guard Yeah, I still don't know what the problem was with that. I was saving so much money.

Our safety. You weren't saving money.

Safety was fine because John was up. All I need is someone to be like, intruder, and then I get up. Like, that's all I need. I don't need like—

I don't think John was on his toes ready to scream intruder at any sound. He's probably passed out.

That's really funny. Okay, so one of the neighbors came and yelled because of our party. He didn't yell. He was actually very respectful. The party does cause havoc in the neighborhood.

But we try to prepare everybody as best we can.

Not havoc, like we're not like just aimlessly doing it. Like it's very—

it's just the street is really narrow and the street's narrow.

We have cars, we have 10 valet guys, we have 20 security guards up and down the street like trying our best that we can. Mm-hmm. But sometimes just how things happen, it depends on the night. Like Halloween, this is why I say like I don't know if I want to keep having Halloween parties because the entire city is looking to party. Like everybody in their 20s is looking to go out. So like people that aren't invited are showing up in their 50s.

Yeah.

And they're 50s. Sorry, Jake. So everybody ends up showing up and it's just, it's really tough on the street. Anyways, our neighbor came to be like, you know, there's some like trash in the driveway or whatever, in his driveway.

Yeah.

And this is the second time my neighbor has interacted with John.

Yeah.

And John gets like terrified of him. And then so one time, this last time—

why?

Because he gets flustered by like confrontation.

Yeah, John's just like not good at all.

Right.

So So he saw him coming and then instead Julia, John's girlfriend, went to the door to like save the day. And John's standing right on the other side of the door, like just waiting for Julia to finish. And he's like, last, the neighbor's like, last time I came up here, I talked to some incompetent idiot. He couldn't understand a single thing I was saying. And she goes, yeah, that would be my boyfriend. And he's like, well, I'm sorry, but that man does not know how to communicate. And she's like, yeah, he gets anxiety. And my neighbor's like, I get anxiety. I'm an idiot too, but at least I know how to conversate. I was like, that's the best. That's the best.

You're not wrong, sir.

I talked to my neighbor on the phone today and it was really funny. He was like, he's like, he's like, I'm sorry. I feel like I've scared your friend a couple of times. And I'm like, it's good. It's just like, he's, he has a tough time communicating.

He's from the Philippines.

He's from the Philippines. Even though he's been longer here than he's been longer in the States than me. But for some reason it seems like he just got here.

He had his foreskin removed when he was 15.

He did have his first dramatic—

he's still dealing with it.

I met somebody from— I was at a party and I met somebody from Slovakia. Oh yeah, it's a pretty big deal. Like, I met— I was talking to like one of my like manager friends who manages like music people. What are they called? Artists. And, and he's like, you're from Slovakia, right? And then I was like, yeah. He's like, dude, I just picked up a new artist. She's from Slovakia. And she moved here also. She actually moved here 5, 6 years ago and she learned—

she—

her English is perfect. Accentless. It's kind of crazy. She learned it just from watching like—

that's crazy.

American television. Yeah. She said— she told me, she's like, my goal was always to be a big-time musician and I knew I needed to get rid of my accent from when I was a kid. So like when I was like 6, 7 years old, 6, 7, I started to— I started to watch American like films and stuff, and I practiced my accent. Now I don't have one.

I got rid of my Boston accent.

Kind of crazy. Yeah, that's really strong and brave of you.

On purpose.

Did you really?

Oh yeah, I wanted to be a sports announcer growing up, and I was like, I gotta fucking get rid of this. I can't sound like these assholes.

Would that not help you to be a sports announcer?

If you wanted to be local. I wanted to be national. Wow.

Yeah, you had a lot of dreams.

Yeah, where are they now, Jay?

Right, that's kind of crazy.

Yeah.

How do you— would you look back on your life and would you say like everything's okay? Would you?

No.

You know, a lot of people say—

I don't.

You know, a lot of people say—

actually, I wish I could.

You know what I fucking hate? Have I talked about this? I brought this up to Natalie 5 times already.

Yeah.

I fucking— I've been seeing a lot of interviews on my TikTok.

This is—

this is— I'm going back from like the last 5, 6 years, and it's always old people. It's always old people or super rich people being like, you know what I've realized?

Yes.

From all these years.

Yes.

Is that money is not important, and it's the people you surround yourself with.

Yes.

And I'm like, what kind of fucking morons are these people that it took them 75, 80 years to realize probably like one of the most obvious facts ever? Like, I feel like I kind of picked up on that when I was like 11, you know, not to flex on when I realized that it was important to have cool friends.

Oh, but yeah, well, maybe he realized it when he was young too. That's what he's just passing on.

Really?

Okay, maybe he's 80. And no, because the way they said—

the way they said— the way they always say it is like I got all the cars, I got all the money, and I got all the nice things. And then I realized that's not what made me happy.

You know what? I think there's a lot of people that that happens to.

I do find that really strange. Yeah, because, because it's like, because it's like, well, like, like me, for example, like, I think we touched on this like a couple podcasts ago. Yeah, I was saying how like I feel so fulfilled. Yes, in my friendships and in just like the people that I have in my life that like I've never even ever like thought about it as an issue. And I never like— I think about materialistic objects and I get so excited about them, but I'm so fulfilled filled in my friendship department that it doesn't feel like I'm missing anything. Um, and Alex, I was like, I'm like, maybe people have it backwards. Like, maybe people like— I think I got lucky with that. I found success in work that involved hanging out with friends.

Sure.

So I think, I think that's very rare.

People, people aren't there. You are lucky because most people have to— when they get the money, they have to give that up. Or to get the money, yeah, you most likely sometimes have to like not hang out with your friends, go into a business and be all about this business.

And yes, okay, so I think that's definitely my, my little bubble I live in and the fact that I kind of—

how many people have you met that are like, they made a lot of money in finance and they're like, I fucking hate it? I've met so many people like that.

Yeah, I've met a lot of people that like—

and they've made a lot of money—

that are super successful but don't actually like their job, but they obviously stay in the job because it makes them so much money.

That's a big fact. And I saw this thing like how to live a long life, and the number one thing is stress. Like, if you have stress, you're going to die. And but if you— that's why, like, in those countries like Sardinia where they, like, live the longest, it's like, it's not the olive oil, it's not the fish they eat. It's like, it's just peace.

They, like, hang out all day.

Yeah. So you're doing a good thing. Hey, did you hear in North Korea they actually have a sport now of just resting? And when I was thinking, I saw it and I was like, man, Dave would crush this.

How do you participate?

So you sit on a mat.

This feels like propaganda that you've just fallen for. And I'm also falling for it as Everybody is at peace. I'm about to book a trip to North Korea.

It's South.

South. Oh, South Korea.

You said North.

Sorry. Sorry.

Also, the other day you did say Steely Dan, by the way. Somebody DM'd me and they were like, you said Steely Dan first. No, you said it first. And then I edit the pod.

I literally listen to it.

Yeah. They were like, don't let Jason gaslight you. He said it first. And then that's where you started saying Steely Dan because he said it first.

Oh, okay. Maybe I did. Maybe I did. You're right. But no, in North Korea, in South Korea.

There you go again. Sorry.

Sorry. In South Korea, they all sit there and then they have doctors. They come around and they check your heart rate. Oh, and whoever's the most chill wins.

Well, whoa, that's crazy.

You did 9 hours on this couch the other day.

Who can— I know, but I feel like my heart rate's— I don't know, I still like snack a lot and I eat like kind of Chipotle. It's like my heart rate's already like constantly racing. Oh shit, someone just came into the house. Could be security looking for water.

Are you safe?

I ordered Taco Bell the other day.

Yeah.

And my DoorDash driver got stuck. I'm having a close friends dilemma on Instagram. My DoorDash driver got stuck.

I am too having a close friends dilemma.

What's your dilemma?

On Instagram. I'm not on your close friends.

Oh, you're still not on there?

Yeah. We've talked about it. And then yesterday we were in the car and you close friend something and it blew up on close friends and all these people were like, oh, Dave, you're so funny. And then Dave was like, Nat, Nat, should I make this one public?

Yeah. For some reason.

It's killing.

For some reason my close friends like does really well.

And like, it's high engagement rate on the close friends.

Like, when I post close friends, it's like 8 or 9 responses to my close friends.

Really? Out of what, like 35?

Uh, out of like 90. Oh wow, it's like crazy. But when I post a regular story—

crazy, there's 90 people and you didn't make it.

I know, I know, I know. I want to see—

I want to see—

name me some of the people on that close friends. I want their names.

No, that's the part of the close friends is I, I shall not close friends and tell. Oh, okay. Jay, you are my close friend.

But also the fact the fact that they're on your close friends makes them go like, oh wow, David thought of me, like, that's cool, right?

That's why people are interacting with it. So when I post it normally to my public profile and I think it's funny— so like, I posted DMs the other day with my DoorDash driver on my close friends.

Okay.

And my dilemma is, why am I posting this shit to my close friends when it should just be a public thing? Like, I'm a social media influencer. What do I have to hide about a conversation with my DoorDash driver?

Yeah.

Like, close friends should be like, look at all this coke on the floor. Do you know what I mean? So I'm like close friendsing the wrong things. So I close friends my DoorDash driver, said, please cancel your order, I'm stuck in an elevator.

Okay.

And I friends. I said, neither me or Taco Bell have an elevator. So I was really confused and I was like, tell me where you are, I'm going to come save you. And then he sent me like crying emojis and he was like, no, please cancel your food. And he's like— and then I responded to him like, I'm not giving up on you. Tell me where you are. And then he ended up canceling. But anyway, that's like something I would put on my close friends and it did well. And then I was like, fuck. Now, like, now do I send it through to the public world or will that feel like I just cheated my close friends who thought we had this intimate moment?

Yeah, you're not going to win.

And also close friends for some reason feels like, like, okay, so like 3, 4 years ago when I really used to go out in LA, I like felt the need to go out because like I was like, okay, I'm not vlogging anymore. So I don't really like make FaceTime with anybody other than if I'm going out with people. Like then I see 'em, I'm like keeping in touch with all my LA friends. So I just felt the need to go out. But close friends like kind of has me keep in touch with my LA friends in a different way.

So you don't have to go out. So what you're saying?

Yeah, so I don't have to go out anymore. So it's like just kind of easier just to be like, put something up on there. I don't know. And I've never put anything on my close friends that like I would like deem as illegal or like—

Yeah, something you wouldn't want everyone to see.

Not publicly shareable.

Yeah, like everything, all my close friends could actually go on my public, but I just, I don't know.

Well, what is that?

Now that you're on it, Jay, you'll be able to—

Oh, I can't wait for this heat. Yeah, it's a lot of pressure.

It's not like great stuff. Sometimes it's pretty—

it's pretty good. He's pretty fucking funny.

Yeah, he is. I don't know why you just don't put it out to the 20 million instead of the 90.

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know either. He's so weird. Well, there's so many funny things that happen like on a daily basis that like he captures, maybe he doesn't capture, whatever it is, I don't know.

Yeah, he's so funny.

He doesn't share it. Yeah, even though it's like— it's like his job to be funny and share it with people.

Yeah, like Natalie does that really well. Natalie, like, well, like, we'll be going to like a dinner.

Oh, Natalie's the best. I'll see an Instagram post from Nat. We were at like a Shell station and I'm like, damn, that's posting.

It's stupid. We just had our—

she's great at it.

We just had our Halloween party. Yeah, I took not one single photo of myself. I don't have anything to show for it.

That's a guy thing.

Yeah, but like, I'm a social media influencer and Natalie's my manager. She doesn't really take deals anymore. She just like does things for me and she still, for some reason, posts like 5 TikToks a fucking week. I post nothing. Yeah, you do, bro. Yeah, you do. And it's like fucking And you'll be like, it's so easy. I just throw my phone.

I mean, it is so easy.

What does that mean? It's so easy. And then I'm also—

your bar is a little higher than hers.

Yeah. And then I'm like, do you— are you like enjoying— like, she like lip-sync to a song and then she'll like spin around to show her dress.

Someone's getting—

and I'm like, is this fun? Like, are you having fun?

Yeah. Someone's going grumpy old man on us.

No, I'm not. I'm just—

I mean, I get it. I can't— Naveen too. She's always putting up TikToks and I'm like, how do you I can't do that.

Yeah, it's so much easier. I'm like, you don't even have to do that for your job. You just fucking just literally get me jobs. Like, why are you posting? What are you doing? Like, if I was her, I'd like not post it.

It's not that I don't like social media, but I like people to like see. I like sharing what I'm doing. Like, I like, like if I have like a really sick outfit on, like I want people to see it and I want to share it.

No, you're right. I think I've just gone like so far off the deep end of social media.

But you're also like, you're like, you're Passions and my passions, I guess.

You don't have a passion for social media.

No, I know. I know. Excuse you.

Well, I mean, that's true, right? Like, you don't know.

No.

You feel like the bar is a lot higher for you than Natalie?

Your passion is comedy, right? Like, you enjoy putting videos together.

I don't think comedy is my passion. I think like making a well-constructed video.

Okay, fine, whatever. If you want to be more specific.

No, neither of those. Not editing or directing. Just like putting a video together.

Okay, whatever. My passions— I like fashion, I like doing my makeup, like I just like doing girly things, right?

So it's just like a different approach.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I get that.

But what do you like to do?

But let's elaborate on me not being— what did you just say? You don't have a passion for social media? I fucking love social media.

Yeah, but it's not like you're not passionate about it. You can't possibly be— like, when I say passion, I say like something that you like—

uh-oh, careful.

No, no, no, let me fucking spit it out.

Dive in, bitch.

No, when I, when I think passion, I think something you like just you just fucking— you spoke into existence that you couldn't like stop, you know what I mean? Like a dream that you've had forever. Like, I don't think you've wanted to be an Instagram poster your entire life. I didn't think that was like a rude thing to say. Like, did you want to be a TikToker your entire— do you know what I mean?

No, no, right.

So that's what I'm saying.

Like, but I do have a passion for it.

I love—

I know you do like it, but I think I'm just using it to a different, different kind of passion. I don't know, not to like knock your TikToks at all.

I mean, no, that's literally all you do. Whenever I post a fucking TikTok, David dies. He's like, why?

What was the purpose behind this TikTok?

Yeah, he does. He does. Yeah, he does. You do go very Chris Martin.

I love quoting Chris Martin, man. Yeah. It's my favorite. Why would I post anything on social media? Shout into nothingness? Every time Natalie posts, I'm like, you're shouting into nothingness.

He is so fun. I also—

No, I know. I know. I'm being super pessimistic about it.

That's literally the point of social media is the way that I use it. You're so curated and articulate about it.

I think I'm also envious of the fact that like for some reason you're juggling things and then you're also like just throwing shit up. When to me I'm just like, what? You just fucking posted something. Like if I have to post a brand deal, it's like, Natalie, come sit next to me on the couch.

Oh my God.

It's like, it's, and Natalie has to show me what buttons to hit on Instagram or TikTok. I'm not even kidding. I'm so, so bad at that shit. It's so crazy. TikTok is updating so quickly. I only post once a month.

It's not updating that quickly, bro.

Yeah, it is. When I get around to posting, it's like already, fuck, it's a new platform. I'm learning these things.

No, it's not. No, TikTok's the same.

Even though I put it in the app, He posts on Snapchat every day and he still acts like he doesn't know how to use the platform sometimes.

Well, I'm just like, I don't know.

I read this thing today about like ego and posting and how people don't— oh, I know what it is. Social media causes anxiety. So depending on how famous you want to be depends on what your constituency for anxiety is. What your— not constituency, what your your ability to handle anxiety.

I also just don't—

Wait, wait, what is he saying?

Explain.

He's saying you're a really anxious person. Like, you're really nervous about what people are going to think about you or whatever. Something's going to happen. Like, you're less likely to be posting because you're just— you're overthinking.

Yeah, right.

You're like super anxious about what—

I mean, yeah, your ego is in the way.

Yeah, for sure. My ego is in the way. But like, but also like—

but I mean, granted, look, we played the lottery last night, you and I, and we're splitting $800 million. The drawing's soon.

And I got it on video, by the way.

David, why do you think I would screw you out of $400 million? Do you really think that?

People, that's— do you hear what you just said? Why would I screw you out of $400 million?

Do you think I would screw you out of $400 million? That really pissed me off last night when you videotaped it because I had already taken pictures on my phone.

Jason and I were getting tickets. I didn't have a debit card, so I'm like, Jay, we're splitting this, right?

Yeah.

And he's like, sure. And I'm like, okay, let me film you for the courts. And then Jason says, but if he wins $40,000, can he have a little bit?

No, I said, we'll split it, but if we win $40,000, can I have it all? And he goes, sure.

And then Elliot goes, that's going to be a little murky when you get to court. You should be more specific about that.

I'll tell you what's funny. I'll tell you what's funny when I thought about it, because I was thinking about this morning because I love to think about it. If we do win, the reason that we— the person we really need to thank is Natalie. Is Natalie. Yeah.

Let's not dive into why in the specifics.

I mean, we should dive into it because we pull a scene in the vlog. So I want them to be ready.

Ready for what? They're not seeing that shit in the vlog.

Could you?

What?

No, it's not that bad. You're just a human being.

Shut up. Everybody gets diarrhea.

You're such a little hypocrite. Oh God.

I have it all the time. I have it like twice a week.

Not as much as Natalie.

That's okay.

That's okay.

You— Natalie had diarrhea at the weirdest time. We were going camping. You'll see this in the vlog. I don't want to get into it, but we were going camping and we couldn't find a bathroom. We were like in the middle of nowhere and there was only a porta potty. And it was really funny because the porta potty was like outside in like kind of a sketchy area. So me, Jason, Ilya, Alex Ernst went with her to the porta potty.

I was scared to go to the back of the like area.

Yeah, but then it was funny because it's just one porta potty, Natalie, and us four, right? So she goes to the porta potty like, what's separating us from the sounds of diarrhea? Like a thin layer of plastic. So Natalie's like, okay, I'm not even just— I'm not even gonna go here because I don't trust you guys to leave. So then we went to another— then we went to another liquor store and they had a proper bathroom. The proper bathroom. And the reason for us stopping at these liquor stores is the reason we have Natalie to thank for winning $800 million.

Yeah, just imagine everyone I tell as I travel the world. Yeah, it'll be like, $400 million, that's amazing.

And then Natalie will be fucking traveling the world with us. Yeah, super rich also.

If it wasn't for Natalie's diarrhea, I'll be sitting on your yachts.

Yeah, and she won't be about this. Yeah, she'll hate us telling the story to the rich people in Greece.

No, I said, I told you that this cannot be something that, like, I don't want it to be in the vlog. I don't want it to be something that follows me. You were saying the other day that—

cut this out, Dave.

You were saying like this, the podcast is like a safe space almost. Like it feels like we talk in the podcast and we share it and it's like—

this is close friends.

Yeah, this is like close friends, you know? Like I don't feel like— yeah, yeah, I think people—

let's soft test it. Everyone say no, no, no, everyone DM Natalie. Don't worry, I'm gonna keep your secret.

Shut up.

And then from that DM, we'll see how many strong supporters there are that are willing to keep the secret.

I know.

And then we'll move it on to the vlog. We'll see if It's— it's— see, this will be the test audience, how they feel about Natalie's diarrhea.

That's okay, guys, please don't do that.

I learned a lot last— I learned a lot last night because we went camping and it started out really crappy and I was like, what are we doing? It took us 5 hours to get there.

Oh yeah.

And then I had the best time of my life.

It was really fun.

Oh shit, I guess this podcast is going out after the vlog.

Yeah.

Okay, sorry, I talked about it like Like right now we're recording before the vlog goes up. The vlog goes up tomorrow. Yeah, okay, so we can talk about camping. Yeah, the camping was interesting.

So fun.

What'd you think?

Well, we left at 4 o'clock to go camping. Guys, it gets dark at 5 now. And I'm just like, what the fuck? In my back of my mind, I'm like, what the fuck are we doing? This is so dumb. I can't believe we're going. We're driving all the way out there. It's gonna be cold. I gotta sleep on the ground. And then we get in the car and then Dave wants to stop at REI, adds an hour. Then Dave sees a circus at REI. He's like, let's go check out the circus. And I'm like, oh my God. And then what, Nat?

Well, you drove us 45 minutes in the opposite direction.

You told me to go to REI in Calabasas.

Yeah, it was really weird.

You told me to go to REI in Calabasas.

Well, we thought it was on the way.

And after we went to In-N-Out. Incredible move. Also horrible move for Natalie.

Yeah.

That was the demise. Natalie got too many chopped chilies and that sent the In-N-Out going straight through her body.

Yeah, then the searching for the bathroom, that added time.

So much time.

We didn't get to the campsite till 10 o'clock.

I asked the guy that was working the gas station, I was like, when she comes out, can you ask my friend how her diarrhea was? And he's like, no, I can't do that. So he didn't do that. And then we got to the campsite, which was really tough to find.

Yeah.

And then we all got high, which was—

Except for me.

Yeah, except for Jason.

We said we were going to get high. And then I said, oh, I'm not very good on camera high. And Dave goes, yeah, that's true.

Jason, don't get high.

No, when Jason gets drunk, he like overthinks things.

Yeah.

So I was like, yeah, yeah, Jay, just—

or I think I'm being funny and I'm not.

Yeah, I was like, Jay, stay sober. But then what would happen, we all got high.

Yeah.

And I kept like, I had my camera on, like I just had it on just in case something happened, and I kept zooming in on Jason's face because like I was kept being like, dude, look how fucking high Jason is. And Jason kept going, I'm not high, I didn't smoke. And we were all accusing him of being the highest around the campfire.

Yeah.

And it was so confusing.

It was 8 high people telling me I was high, and even when I tried Ferris is like, he's like, Jason, walk a straight line. I know you're high. I was like, I'm not high. And then, and because I can't see so well, it's dark, I couldn't walk a straight line. He's like, that was terrible. He's like, yeah, but you didn't walk a straight line.

And then Jason drove home because Jason was the DD. Natalie, you have to work on those sneezes. You sneeze like a fucking tyrannosaurus.

I don't know why it's so dramatic, and I apologize.

Why does it bother you when she sneezes? She was doing that in the car too, and you're getting so mad, dude.

I don't know.

You start yelling at her, and then you turn to me and you go, you know, I'm trying to be nicer to people. Have you noticed I'm trying to be nice?

I was kidding. I was kidding.

Oh, you're kidding again.

Did you like the game we played?

Oh my God, the game was so stressful.

I came up with a game when we were high.

Oh my God, wait, I forgot about this.

So Jason wasn't the best at driving, so, and we were like, okay, so every time he would go out of the lane, the vibrations in the road would go, oh, that was actually a really good sound.

Yeah, it's really good.

That's what the road does, right? When you're like on, it's a one-lane road.

Yeah.

And I was like, okay, let's go around the car. And every time he hits that, you have to moan. And you have to moan in order. So I'll go first. It's in clockwise position. So I moan first.

Yeah.

Then Alex Ernst has to moan.

Yeah.

Then Ilya.

Yeah.

Then Natalie. Then you. Then back to me. Right. And if you miss it, you're out.

Yeah.

And the point of the game is you don't talk about the lines. You just do it. Right.

Yeah.

And I was like, Jason, don't hit the lines on purpose because I wanted to go You want a good hour and a half game? Yeah, I wanted to go like a good 15 minutes without nobody realizing they were still playing the game. Yeah, so we'd miss our moans and we're having conversations in between. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like I would go, oh, when he hit it, and then Alex would go— Alex was out first, then Ilya, then me, and then Jason went out and Natalie won the moaning game. Hell yeah, Natalie was really happy.

I felt bad you created the game.

Yeah, and I lost.

You went out first.

When I, when I, when I did my final moan when it came to me.

Because it was just Natalie and Jason left.

It was just Natalie and my— Yeah.

I was driving. I can't believe I lost and I was driving.

Yeah. You didn't hear me. But David did hear me. And the way that he turned back to me and smiled and gave me the biggest thumbs up. He was so proud that I sneakily got a moan in.

Yeah. Because she moaned. So that means you don't know that your turn's coming up because you weren't paying attention. So I was like, I heard the moan. It's confirmed. It's part of the game. I've registered it.

And then next bump.

Bump, lo and behold, it bumped, and you were expecting Natalie to moan, but it was actually your turn and you lost.

Yeah, I was just trying to not crash your car.

Gotcha.

Your really, really nice car.

I know, but it was, uh, it was a, it was a pretty, pretty fun camping experience. I, I don't know how I'm gonna edit it yet because I haven't edited it yet, but, uh, but it was really funny. It started out really funny high, and then it started out paranoid high. It was like the perfect— it was the perfect high. I love being paranoid. I love like getting high and like feeling really weird, and it like a dream come true. I thought it was a really good experience. I have an announcement to make, and, um, I've been, I've been debating this actually for— genuinely, I'm being deadass. I'm going to start tearing up because it's kind of— this is going to be hard for me to talk about.

Let's try to guess.

Guess, guess, guess. You're quitting for a year. I've been thinking about this for a year.

You've been thinking about this for a whole year?

Yes.

So this time last year, peak shape of your life, this is what you were thinking about?

Actually, yes. It was actually probably That was probably the time where this first— you guys want to guess? I want to tell you, you're never going to guess. I'll give you fucking 40— I'll give you $100,000 each if you guess.

You're turning the pickleball court into a soccer field.

Okay, no. Go.

Planting palm trees in the backyard.

No.

Good guess.

Is this personal or business related?

It's personal.

Oh my God, are you back to finding a wife?

No, dude, no, not doing that anymore.

All right.

I— and this is actually gonna probably steer people away from me having a wife.

Oh God, what are you gonna say? Are you sure you want to say this? Yeah, you don't have to be that honest.

I need to get it out, and I think it'll allow me to take a step in that direction. Okay. I want to be the guy that farts around people.

No, don't say that.

You've been thinking about this for a whole year?

Oh my God, because I've always been the shy to fart guy.

Stop it.

And I just—

and I feel like it's gonna change your entire personality and being. I just— you can't do that.

And I just— I feel like I just want let them rip, and I want to do them on Natalie. I want to, like, I want them during funny moments.

Who are your heroes in that department? Who does do that?

You don't even—

Zane. Let them rip.

Zane's the first person that comes to mind when I think about it.

And does it completely change everything about him? Yes.

Like, so gross.

It's so incredibly gross. But I'm tired of fucking— like, I'm tired of being on the couch and being— and looking around and being like, I've known these people my whole life, but for some reason I'm holding something in right now. Do you know what I mean? Like, I just don't like that.

And Why?

No, you're so cute and clean. Just like stay that way. Don't go dirty.

I can't, Natalie. I'm getting so much older. I just can't do it. Jay, what do you think about this? Yeah, you see why I've been thinking about it for a while, right? Because it is a complete personality shift.

If I'm being honest, I'd love to do a week trial.

Do you fart around Naveen openly and audibly?

Never. And then one time in the middle of the night, I farted and woke up, and she definitely heard it, but she didn't— she doesn't mention it.

You guys don't acknowledge it with yourselves. Does she fart Fart around you?

I've never heard of it.

Of course not.

No, no, crazy.

It's Naveen.

Yeah, I don't want to like— I don't want to like bring it into like any future relationships or anything.

Like, you just want to fart on your friends?

Yeah, like when I'm single, I would just try to do it.

That's disgusting. Let's try it out. I'm down.

I heard David fart the other day for the first time in my life, and it was freeing. Was it?

No, I was pretty embarrassed.

Yeah, Dave was so embarrassed. Actually, I like heard it, didn't believe that it was actually real, and so then I immediately recorded because I was like, this motherfucker just farted, and he's never farted in front of me in his life, and we spent a lot of fucking time together.

They're very close.

Like, this is actually shocking that he's never farted. And he was so embarrassed, he really wouldn't even admit that he just farted.

Yeah, I didn't.

And then she dead-assed me. I'm like, yeah, that sucks, bro. That is the worst.

The worst. You started it.

I know, it's fucking wild.

I hate your dead-ass rule because, you know, when it sucks is when you're— you got a good bit going and you're fooling somebody. Like, I was fooling somebody the other night at camping and they go, did us.

Yeah, I know. Zane hates when we dead-ass.

I know.

Zane gets so mad.

Mad.

Yeah, like, I'll deadass it. But Zane will lie about the stupidest shit. It's not even funny. I'm just like, I need to know. I was like, are you being serious? Like, did Jason actually like die, right? And I'd be like, deadass? And be like, fuck you, dude. Fuck that word.

Fuck you.

And I'll be like, first of all, I don't even really know if you respect the word deadass, so you could totally lie on it if you want. Like, I don't care. Like, it's me, Ilia, and like Natalie. Like, I expect like, like my roommates to abide by that law. Um, so he's fine. He doesn't have to get so angry about it. But yeah, he doesn't like it.

Um, is this a tornado? Is this a difference from today than yesterday? In here. It's like so calm in here, and then yesterday was so crazy.

Oh my gosh, yes. Yesterday there was like 18 DEF CON— what is it? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. DEF CON 5.

No, I think it's 1. 1's the most dangerous.

1's the most dangerous?

There was so many.

No, DEF CON 1, I think.

I think it's 1 too. Um, I think, I think, I think we had a crash out yesterday. Yeah, Steven had a legitimate crash out yesterday.

Yeah, and like to the point where I would—

I wanted to like, I mean, you know, he was like, I have to reevaluate my entire career.

No, I had— oh God, here we go.

He had like— he had 6 people come in and watch the vlog. First I watched it, I was like, this is great. And then he was like, no, it's not, it's not funny. It's like, I don't even know, nothing's funny. And then Ilya came in, he was like, this is great. And he was like, no, it's not.

Yeah, I couldn't— I didn't know Okay, so here's the thing. So there's a moment in the vlog.

Yeah.

That was— we all went camping, right? And it's really fucking with me because I'm watching it back and I'm like, this is funny, but am I— I'm really, I'm really good at watching bits.

Yeah.

And knowing if it's just funny for me. I can never look at a bit if just funny for Dave. Like, I never look at that. I'm like, is this funny for like general people? But for some reason with this camping bit, I could not figure out whether or not it was funny money. And I was like, is it because we know the lore of Bella and Ilya? Ilya didn't go to the wedding. Like, this is all a behind-the-scenes thing. Yeah, like Bella used to work for Ilya, then they parted ways business-wise, and then Ilya didn't go to the wedding for whatever Ilya's personal reason is not going to the wedding. I don't actually really know. Yeah, I just know he didn't go to the wedding.

Yeah.

And that upset Bella, and Bella's really vocal about it. Like, and that was the— and if you watch the vlog, we all got high. And Bella, uh, around a campfire, the second we got high, like probably the second it hit, Bella first of all kept asking us to play truth or dare. And Illya has this other joke. I cut so much out of that camping thing. That camping thing was so funny. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a full 8-minute vlog. Yeah, there's a lot more that I cut out. It was really, really funny. And Bella's like, let's play truth or dare, let's play truth or dare. And I'm just like, Okay, we're like all taken here. Like, truth or dare is like a game you kind of play like with like singles that are like kind of trying to hook up.

Yeah.

And like Ilya said this really funny thing. He's just like, yeah, truth sucks. Like, unless you're trying to hook up. And truth just by itself is fucking whack. It should just be dare. It should be dare or dare, which is a really funny thing.

I dare you to fuck me.

Yeah, I dare you to fuck me.

That's what you said.

Yeah. That was like, that's like, that's the only thing. That's the only thing that makes that song I was like, and at this point I obviously know, I'm like, okay, Bella, I know what you're trying to do here.

But like, I was like, oh, see, I wasn't even picking up on what she was throwing out at all. I was like, why does she care? Why does she want to play this fun game?

Oh, it was so obvious. I was like, oh, she just wants to ask Ilya. This was her moment to interact with him. And then she said, let's just play, can we just play truths? Which is just truth or truth. And I was like, okay. So I bit into it. I was like, okay, fine, Bella, what do you want to know? It's obviously about Ilya. And then she asked, why does Ilya hate me? And then that went on for the remainder of the night, like full 3 hours. We're all high and Bella does not let it go. Um, and Ilya's just taking it like a good boy. Ilya's just sitting there. Bella's like, why the fuck did you not go to my wedding?

Fuck you.

It's really funny. And the rest of us are just kind of like, like Bella's Bella, like like, is she upset?

I don't know, I couldn't tell either because she would be like, fuck you, I can't believe you're doing this.

She's upset but also drunk, so she's just like kind of joking around.

And then she's like, I'm kidding, give him a hug.

Yeah, yeah. Then I cut out all this. She would like give him a hug. Yeah, it was like, remember, it was like 50/50. She would like, one second she'd be mad and then actually be like, it's okay, and then she'd hug him.

Yeah.

And then we're like, what the fuck is going on? Anyway, so I thought it was obviously hilarious because I was high.

Yeah.

And I don't really get high ever, um, so I think that's what was like fucking tripping me out. Okay, so that was making me really angry where, where I was editing. I was like, do I only like this bit because one, we were high, and two, because I know the lore of Bella and Ilya? And that's why, that's why I think this is so funny, because it's like she chose literally the worst time ever to confront him. And everybody I showed the vlog to was like, this is fucking hilarious, this is the best part. And I I was like, for some reason I just never believed anybody. And I kept thinking like, everyone's fucking lying to me. And I was like having a crash out. And then right before that too, I had Georgia come, Georgia Hazzarati, to film a bit with me last minute. And it's this bit, believe it or not, I've shot 9 different times. I've shot with Olivia Jade, I've shot it with Georgia, I've shot it in Washington, D.C., I've shot it so many different ways. And it's me trying to eat—

Bangkok?

In Bangkok. It's me trying to eat a Big Mac in under 20 seconds. And I got a fun intro with Georgia, and I was like, this is my moment. But unfortunately, I had a big meal before, so the food wouldn't go down. I had Chipotle, and Joe ordered me some chicken place. And then this is so crazy that this is what led to my crash out. But I ate this Big Mac, and I ate it really slowly. It took me 35 seconds. So the bit was not usable. It was fucking trash. I felt like shit for the rest of the day. Because I just pounded down this Big Mac. I didn't even enjoy it.

Why is the bit not usable at 35 seconds? That's just not to your standard in terms of time.

It's just not as impressive as like under 20 seconds.

Under 20 seconds of Big Mac is like pretty impressive.

In Bangkok, didn't you do 19?

No, I did 20.11.

Oh wow.

So I did 20.11, so I was, so I was right there.

What was different about Bangkok than yesterday?

He was starving. He was just starving.

In Bangkok, I was I could have knocked it down in 20 seconds yesterday.

You could have.

I think. It was once it got in my mouth, I couldn't swallow it because my gag reflex was pushing it up because I was so full.

Yeah, you said there's like a little man in there.

Yeah, I felt like a little man was pushing it back up my throat. So me feeling like shit, not getting my time, feeling like I just wasted this great bit that could have happened with Georgia because we were in such good spirits. Georgia's so funny.

Sure.

I was just so angry about everything that I just had to crash out. I was like, why am I doing this? Like, I failed this fucking Big Mac challenge. I don't even know if this is funny anymore. I was losing my shit. I literally was like— that's why the vlog was late by a day.

Well, you were like, I don't know if anything's funny. I don't know if I'm funny.

Yeah, I literally was gonna get in my car and drive towards the East Coast. That's what I kept thinking in my head. I'm like, I'm gonna drive towards the east because I can't go west because I'll just hit the ocean and fart the whole way. Well, yeah, fart out loud.

No wonder you want to fart out loud. No, no, no, I mean, Big Macs left and right.

No, I I was eating a lot of protein, so that's why this started a year ago, because I was like, I gotta just fart. Anyway, so I was like, I'm just gonna drive as fast as I can. I don't care what happens. I'm gonna go out towards the East Coast. That was my crash out. And then I just took a nap and I woke up and you and Ferris rearranged some things in the vlog and it made me happy.

Right. Yeah.

Yeah.

I was outside with Ferris and I was like, why don't we take a shot at it? He's like, no, Jason. No, he's not gonna like it. And I was like, I'm like, just let's try, we'll try. And—

oh, sorry, can I say— can I— yeah, sorry, I need to explain why I had to crash out.

Yeah.

And why I was saying I'm no longer— I couldn't find— I couldn't figure out what was funny.

Yeah.

Because I no longer have balls when it comes to editing. And I feel like I used to have it because I was posting so frequently. So I was doing 3 weeks, so I would take a bit and quite literally throw out everything except 8 seconds and then move on to the next bit. But now I'm watching the camping bit and it was 6 minutes when I edited it down. It was like 3 hours of footage. I edited it down to 6 minutes and I, for the life of me, could not cut things out because I was like, I love this so much. It wasn't necessarily that it wasn't— I wasn't saying it's not funny. I just genuinely couldn't find the courage to cut out more from it like I normally would be. And like, that's what made the vlogs fun, is I just— I had, I had so much courage to cut out whatever, and I was like, next segment, next segment, next segment. And like, now when we film, for some reason I like, like keeping things fat. I just like keeping it longer, and I'm like going against the grain of what I normally would do when editing videos, right? And I'm letting things breathe a little bit more. And like, for some reason I'm like I kind of want to do that, but I also want to stick to my roots of making a video so quick and digestible that it gets done in 4 minutes.

Yeah, but there's got to be a life for those things that you cut out.

Yeah, no, for sure. No, no, no.

And even if you put them on TikTok, if you take all those bits and put them on TikTok from camping, they're so funny.

No, I know.

Yeah.

Do you ever talk yourself into a terrible situation where you think someone's trying to kill you?

You.

Have you ever— have you ever done that?

Oh, to kill me? No.

I did it last night. I got home, there was an Audi parked outside my door, and it was running, and it was tinted. I couldn't see anybody inside. It was like 6:30. I was like, okay, cool. Then I go inside, I have dinner with Charlie. Then she's like, I need Advil, I have a headache. I'm like, okay, let me go run and get you some Advil. I go outside, the car is still running, and it's tinted windows. Like, I can't see in this fucking car. So I was I was like, damn, I was like, somebody trying to kill me, whatever. So I start to go to CVS, I was like— and then I see like another car on the street, and then, then the same car passes me again. So now I'm like thinking, oh my god, like something's going on. So I go back to my house.

Is that the Audi though?

No, it's another car that loops in my neighborhood and does a complete loop. So I see the person twice. Okay, cuz I'm kind of waiting to see what the Audi's doing before I leave Charlie alone. Alone. Then I get completely freaked out. I go right, right back at my house. I'm not leaving Charlie in there alone. I was like, oh, lock the gate. And I keep opening the door. The Audi's there, the Audi's there, the Audi's there. Then we had ordered food, and then the food comes, and then a Russian guy comes up with the food. Oh no, the Russian— no, no, the Advil comes.

Did you smoke? What the fuck?

I didn't smoke. I Postmated the Advil because I didn't want to leave Charlie alone. Then he comes up and he goes, he goes—

I'm so sorry, so you never ended up going to the CVS?

I didn't go to CVS. I Postmated the Advil for Charlie, which I never do. And the guy came up and he was like, he was like, hello. And I was like, hey. I was like, hi. And he goes, how are you feeling? Like that. And I go, I'm okay.

Well, you ordered Advil.

Yeah, but why is the fucking Postmate asking me? And the Audi's right there running. He's like, how are you feeling? Like, a Postmate doesn't fucking say that. They don't say, how are you feeling? They don't say They don't say, "Oh, do you have a cold?" If they get you mucinex.

I think you must have like eaten something.

Bro, I didn't eat anything. I'm not high. I don't smoke. And then, and I go, "I'm okay. I'm okay." And he goes, "Okay." And he goes, "All right." And this is what he says. He goes, I don't know if his English was bad. He goes, "I hope you get the girls." What? He goes, "I hope you get the girls." Like, and I was like, "What?" I was like, "What?" I don't know if he doesn't know English So now I'm like fucking freaked out. I just talked myself into something.

"I hope you get the girls" does sound like it could be like 100 different things though. Like what?

What does that mean to you?

No, like even the way you said it, I'm just like, I can't actually make out what you're saying.

"I hope you get the girls" is what he said.

No, I know, but "I hope you get the girls" could be "Oh, but you could get it if you were." Yeah, maybe he was saying something else. Yeah, it just sounds like a lot of different things.

No, he said, "I hope you get the girls." I think you're fine, Jay. Anyways, so then I wake up this morning I was like, man, that was wild with the app. Oh, and I called the police. I was on the phone with the police for like 10 minutes. And what? Yeah, I called 911. And I was like, okay, I called 911.

He's so crazy.

I freaked out.

Jason has like serious issues.

I didn't get through to the police.

You can't hear us right now.

We muted him anyways.

He's a fucking weirdo.

And so I'm calling the police. Are you saying something?

No.

And, uh, and I didn't get through to the police. They wouldn't come, obviously.

Yeah, because there was no threat.

I was just on hold.

They're like, There's a man with tinted windows. That is like the worst call you can make to police here in LA. There's a man outside, maybe in a car because it has tinted windows. That is the last thing an LA police officer will come to.

I did talk to one person and I was like, I know this is crazy. I'm just saying, I know you guys are busy, but there's a guy out front of my house, blah, blah, blah. So then I hung the phone up on the police. Obviously, they never sent anybody.

That's amazing. LA police.

Oh my God.

And then I woke up this morning. Ringing, and I went outside, and the window was open of the Audi, and the car's off. And I was like, oh my God, did somebody fucking smash this guy? Smash the window? Like, what's going on? So I walk out, there's a guy asleep in the car, and I just come over and I'm just like, hey, are you okay? Like that. And he goes, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, I own the house down the street. He was always waiting for the cement guy. And I go, you've been here since last night. Been here since like 6 o'clock last night. And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I own the house. It's 4 doors down. You know the house that had the fire, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, I don't know that. I'm like, what? I know everything going on in the street. And then he's like, yeah, he goes, I'm just waiting for the cement guy. And I go, okay, all right, no worries. He goes, my name's Arthur. I go, okay, Arthur. And then he goes, and then he goes, yeah, you know, I park up here on the hill because the brakes on the Audi can't be on the flat. That while it's running. I go, what? I go, that doesn't make any sense.

Huh.

So it's just fucking— I don't know.

And I just thought he was like a PI, looks, you know, looking for someone. Yeah, watching.

Then I thought, oh, are— is everybody like poorly intentioned? Like, is everybody bad? You know what I mean?

Okay, that's a little suspicious.

I mean, that is suspicious for sure. I wouldn't think that he's like out for you though.

Yeah, I feel like it's too—

I don't think he's out for me either, but still, like, he's definitely watching somebody on the street for sure. It was a nice Audi, like really nice.

Oh yeah, that makes a big difference.

Yeah, yeah.

Does it?

Oh, I was thinking it was like a 2003 beat-up Audi that was just like— what?

I think I'm watching like 20 years old. I'm watching too many dogs.

Over 20 years old, David.

Oh, okay, I guess it is.

What? No, no one said 2003. It was like a 2025.

No, I know it. Oh my God.

Well, Jay, I'm glad you're here with us now.

At least you're safe.

Yeah, yeah. Is he still there. Can we get him on the pod? All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you, Jason, for joining us. Go listen to his podcast, All Good Things. Thank you, Natalie. She's the best. And we will see you guys for the next one.