Hanging Out With Celebrities

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I do a podcast while Jason suffocates us by passing gas simultaneously. Ew, that's the worst. That's the worst part. That sounds awful.

Doesn't that sound like the worst part?

It sounds like you spread your butt cheeks open with like a, like a big wrench and just let air out.

Yeah, were you not just standing here? That's exactly what I did. I went in the garage and I got a wrench. Speaking of farts, speaking of farts, speaking of farts, NatureBox is our sponsor today.

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Yeah, my favorite snacks are anywhere, and honestly, it really depends. I really love all their snacks.

Yeah, I know you do. We've had a bunch over here. I like the, uh, Jason's like, the coconut things.

Jason's like, uh-huh, go ahead, tell me which ones you like. Because we didn't, we didn't pull up the list of the actual snacks. There's usually a bunch of licks, uh, there's a bunch, there's a huge list that on our script, and it shows us all the different snacks we can choose from.

What's the list?

But we can't So I kind of got stuck in the script, but just believe me. Oh, here's the list.

Here's the list.

Well, I do love the vanilla bean wafers and the dried mango.

Sriracha roasted cashews are some of my favorites. I like the dark cocoa Nom Noms.

I love the crunchy barbecue twists.

I used to know a guy named Nom Nom.

Yeah?

Yeah.

How, how, where'd you meet him?

I met him when I lived under a bridge for 6 weeks.

Why'd you live under the bridge?

I was just having trouble at home.

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So he just sold fur?

Yeah, he was a furrier. You know, this was back in Boston, you know, and yeah, where you need fur a lot. And his fingers were eaten by raccoons.

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That's why they call them Nom Nom.

Yes, I got it.

Because the raccoons, they ate his fingers.

They nom nom'd on their fingers. All right, here, Jason, read this.

It's so simple, David. Just go to naturebox.com, choose Choose the snacks you want and NatureBox will deliver them to you right to your door. We didn't have a door when we lived under the bridge. I don't know what NatureBox is saying.

Well, NatureBox probably couldn't deliver. That's the only place they couldn't deliver is when you were under the bridge.

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Yeah, imagine, you know, you're The thing that's cool about you guys is that when we're doing the podcast, I'm not allowed to eat anything.

Yeah, because it's a lot of chewing.

But you guys don't have that problem.

So you guys can order NatureBox right away.

You can eat the F out of anything you want while you're listening.

You can swear.

That's one of my— I don't want to swear during NatureBox, because they sound kind of fruity nutty crunchy, and they might be kind of like peaceful. I imagine the people at NatureBox, they're like hippies. Am I right?

Yeah.

And they wear that deodorant that doesn't actually help you not smell.

Yeah.

You know that deodorant?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's like not real, and then toothpaste. Paste that it's not—

it's not even minty.

No, it's not even minty.

It's just paste.

It's just like, hey, let's take all the joy out of life. They hope they don't sell toothpaste.

That's naturebox.com/views for 3 free snacks with your first order. naturebox.com/views. Thank God we got through that. Roll the intro music. Go. Okay guys, welcome back. Jason's reaching for another snack. Jason, our intro song isn't 10 minutes long. Put those out of your mouth. That intro song was by Bruce Wigner, who hates Jason.

We finally had it out.

You guys, what happened?

I said, why don't you like me?

You went up to him and you said that?

Yeah, I said it was my idea for you to write the podcast theme song. That came from me.

Yeah.

And he goes, "I don't know. I just— everyone, you know, you've done nothing wrong." "I just hate you." "I just don't like you, Jason." Yeah. And David, I love. He's a brother to me. He had so many nice things to say about you.

That's amazing. Yeah, yeah.

And then he just said, "Why do you keep coming to my house every week after the podcast?" Interesting. Mm-hmm. But I'll win him over one of these days.

Just keep going over to the side of the podcast.

And the thing is, is Carly likes me.

Yeah, Carly is her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is her girlfriend. His girlfriend.

His girlfriend.

Who cares? It's all confusing.

Oh man, hold on, Nom Nom's calling me.

No, I'm not a person. Um, guys, I just got back from the Teen Choice Awards.

Yes!

Well, I think I should preface that better. My girlfriend won a Teen Choice Award, which is a huge deal, I think, to the teens.

It's just, it's a huge deal to the teens. Yes.

No, it's a big deal. It's a big—

it's like the teens that are addicted out there and don't have a home.

It's the first— it's her first, like, teen— and sorry, it's her first traditional media award. Like, it's— she was on television.

Yes.

She gave a speech.

Yes.

She went up on stage. I— okay, like, I was— I was— this was like an actual award show where you're, like, sitting and, like, there's a camera on you and you're about to win. Walk me through it. Like, it's like—

I mean, it's really good for— it's really good for us too. Like, it's really good for people that do social media. It shows that, that, you know, there a lot of people in this industry that are very, very, very talented.

The funny thing about the Teen Choice Awards is it's, it's obviously for movies and for, you know, stuff like that. But this year they went ahead and they took out the categories like actress and all those.

Yeah, you said that. How could they not have a Best Actress category?

Because they needed to make room for— they had the categories, but they didn't air them because they needed to make room for social media people.

Wow, that's like at the Grammys when they're like, best, you know, country song played on a harp, and they do that like, earlier tonight, Roscoe Peenans Penis won the— yeah, like, they do this country song, they do it right before commercial break. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, oh, by the way, SpongeBob won the Kids' Choice Award 8 years in a row now.

By the way, we know no one gives a fuck, but we're legally obligated to tell you this.

No, but Liza won like the main award. It was the last award of the night.

Okay, who was your competition?

It was just a bunch of other female social media girls.

Okay, cool, cool. What'd she say?

She, she kind of got cut off by the music. Because it was like the credits were coming in.

That was the one clip I saw that it— yeah, it looked like they didn't time the show properly.

And I was so nervous the entire show because I, like, I'm, I'm such a, like, scaredy cat during this entire thing. I literally— I think I leaned over to Liza like 4 or 5 different times and I'm like, so you're gonna get up and we're gonna kiss, or are we just gonna hug? And it was like giving me anxiety.

You asked her that 4 times?

Yeah.

I'm like, she's about to win her big award.

Yeah.

This is what you're worried about?

Oh yeah.

Are you serious?

Yes, dude. I, I— it's literally the I have horrible stage fright.

What did she say?

She was just like, we're gonna kiss, shut up.

No, babe, but babe, I just want to check real quick.

I always double-checked. I'm like, you didn't forget we're kissing? We're doing the kissing thing, right?

Be funny if you just got up and you bit her nose.

Dude, how scary is that? Like, it wasn't— like, especially if you're at the Oscars and like everyone looks at you. Like, the Teen Choice Awards, a bunch of kids that have ADD that are looking different directions, right? But like when you win an Oscar, like everyone, like all eyes are on you. So this kiss has to be good. And like my biggest fear is leaning in for a kiss and just not getting one back. Could you imagine that? What would the teens do?

She just faces you with her hand.

Oh God.

So what happened? Was it a good kiss?

I kissed her. I mean, it was—

okay. Was it a two-lip smooch?

We were sitting— they invited Liza into like this section, so we weren't even sitting at our seats anymore. And the camera was backstage. No, it was like— it was off to the side of the stage.

Cool.

And the camera was on us, because I was just there.

Standing?

Yeah. And the camera was on us, and I guess we didn't think much of it, but we should have assumed that it's go time, like it's happening.

Right.

And they announced her name. We didn't even hear her name. So Liza was kind of distraught. She's like, hello? Did it happen? Did someone say my name? And everyone was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Liza's looking around, looking around, figuring out if someone called her name. And I'm like, no, Liza, look here. I'm supposed to kiss you. And in my head, I start freaking out. Oh my God, she's so discombobulated, like she doesn't know where she is. She's probably forgetting about the kiss. So like, I try my best. I'm like, I put a hand on her. I'm like, Liza, I'm over here. Good luck. Like, I give her a kiss. And it happened. I gave her the kiss.

Was it as weak as that kiss you just did?

Yeah.

Nothing wrong with that. I'm not judging.

I'm just like a pussy.

I just want to know.

No, yeah, it wasn't like a passionate kiss. It was like a really quick peck.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, it was nothing to be proud of. But I was so scared the entire time. Being at this and being at the Teen Choice Awards, especially for a kid like me who's like watched a lot of these teens. Yeah, it was ridiculous. It was like, it's crazy how like a social media kids, like we were, I was in the same rooms with like members of One Direction and like, you know, Chris Pratt and like all these like big actors. And it like, it was just so like normal. Like it was like, it was weird. It was like, it felt, what it felt like to me is like when you go to like VidCon, like when I go to VidCon, I'm like, oh, I'm totally cool with everyone here. Like, you know what I mean? Like, no one— I'm not scared to talk to anyone, or I'm not like intimidated by anyone. It was very close to that same feeling. It was like, yeah, and it felt like it was all run by a bunch of teens. And it was just like, it was so interesting to be like, just be standing there like with all these people that entertain for a living, you know what I mean? That all have the same like complex lives as like I do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're all like, it's like, it'd be like if you were all plumbers and you went to like a plumber convention, you don't kind of understand each other. Well, you know what you have to do, how do you, how do you attain success? This is your night to relax, maybe. Yeah, it's just, you work so hard.

It's just interesting. And, um, turns out there's two winners on my street that won a Teen Choice Award that night.

Who?

Well, let's get into details. Um, uh, okay, so, so Liza won one, and she's on my street because, you know, she came over that night. And, um, Vanessa Hudgens, who's my neighbor, which is, which is really It's really funny, 'cause I had like a friend over. I had a friend over and he was like, "Yo, you know Vanessa Hudgens is your neighbor." I'm like, "Oh, no way, cool." He's like, "Yeah, I went to a party." And I'm like, "That's so sick," because like, you know, that's another person I used to— like, I watched High School Musical like as a kid. So I'm like, "Oh, that's so many like teen stars around me." And Jason, why don't you tell everybody what you did when you saw that her car was on outside of the house?

You know what? I really don't give a shit about Vanessa Hudgens. I don't even know what she does or who she is.

I know, but it's just like—

Listen, when there's— I think we all all do this. I'm not the only one, but when there's like an egg that's not cracked amongst all of us, someone fucking cracks it. You know what I mean? Like, if there's something that's not being said, you're the first person to just be like, what's up Jason, we heard you suck that guy off. You know, like, you know. And so that— it was in the air for a while that Vanessa Hudgens lived here. So I said, I said, what the fuck, let's crack this shit open because I'm tired of fucking talking about Vanessa Hudgens and what a big deal it is that she lives on this street. Like, so who gives a fuck? I don't know when she does.

Jason and Todd are driving to my house in the morning because we're going to go do our live podcast, which we'll talk about later. But they're driving to my house, and before they get to my house, they notice that Vanessa's car is on. And from what I heard from Todd is Jason just pulls over and sits there and waits for a good 2 to 3 minutes.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It was about 20 seconds, which is 2 to 3 minutes, which 20 seconds is enough.

It's like 10 seconds.

No, but 20 seconds is enough for her to not know how long you were there. Do you know what I mean?

No, no, she saw us pull up. She was in the garage like doing something. Her door was open. She pulled out her Dodge Caravan. No, she pulled out her really expensive car and the door was open. She was getting into the car. She's in the garage. I can see her. So I just pull the car over 'cause I'm like, what's better, us spending another 6 months going, oh, it's just us, or starting that friendship now or ending it in my case. But you know, like it's like, I just, I like to get things moving, Dave. Get it off the plate.

How did it go?

It comes on my desk, I fucking do it.

How did it go? What did you tell her?

I go, uh, I mean, what I said wasn't great, but I go, I go, hey, we're David's friends.

As if that helps.

And she had this look on her face like, who the fuck is David? And, uh, she had the baseball cap on. The sunglasses, you know. Yes, recognized. It's because I'm sure the gardener, you know, wanted an autograph. And, uh, and, uh, I said, oh, he, he moved in there down the house down the street. And she said, oh, okay.

And, uh, is that how she said it?

Yeah, yeah. And, and, you know, and I don't know, like, I don't want to dishonor— I'm sure she has all kinds of crazy weirdos that come up to her, and she's probably guarded. So, oh, hell yeah, she's probably really nice. So then I gotta, I gotta save it. I gotta do something, you know, because it's not going well. And obviously she's like, you know, why? Who is this fucking weirdo? But sometimes that works, you know, just go up to a celebrity and be like, what's up, how's it going?

Not right outside their house. You ring the doorbell, what's up, how's it going, Brad Pitt?

I like you. Who are you? Jason. I'm Jason Nash.

Like, how did you think that situation was gonna go? You think Vanessa was just gonna be like Jason, come inside.

What if she was a fan of, uh, your vlog? What if I could have created— see, I'm making inroads. That's an inroad. That already happened. Now, when you— dead end. No, no, no. Now when you see Vanessa Hudgens at the trash can, you can go, hey, I'm sorry, you're right, my friend.

You're 100% right, old friend. Because when I was at the Teen Choice Awards, I told my agent, I'm like, can we, can we meet with Vanessa Hudgens? Because I want to apologize for my friends. And I'm like, damn, I don't know if they did that on purpose, but that's a perfect conversation starter.

Did you talk to her?

No, we couldn't find her.

But then to say that I introduced her to Todd— Todd was with me— and she perked up a little bit. She was like, okay, this wasn't a total disaster. I got to see Todd. She went like, oh, hey, she saw Todd, who's like our sexy friend. Todd's a really good looking.

So you rolled down the window.

Did you see— it is really funny that Brandon brought that up last night. Oh yeah, we show girls Todd's picture. And then they say he's not hot, and David and I are like—

Jason and I have this thing where we think Todd's like extremely sexy, and we always show girls pictures of him, and they always say things like, "Ah, I don't know. He's not that good looking." And yesterday I figured it out. I think Todd's sexy because Jason beat it into my head that he's sexy.

I didn't think Todd was sexy either until I went to the den with him for the first time. Like when I first started hanging out with all of you guys, you went to a bar with him and you realized he was sexy. Dude, I was in the Den one night. It was— I mean, it's like fucking Rob Lowe, like 1985, was in there. I know you don't get that reference, but it was Harry Styles. It was—

yeah, it wasn't Harry Styles, but it was like Harry Styles at the Kids' Choice Awards. Oh, I get it.

Yeah, I mean, it was just girls like dripping off of him, everyone taking their shot.

Are you serious?

Yeah, and all kinds of girls. White girls, African-American girls, fat girls, goth girls, uh, you know, it was an Asian girl. Like, I mean, everyone taking their shot, like all different types of styles.

And what was he— what was he saying to all that?

He just had his hands in his pocket and he was just fucking like— he looked— he just looked like, yeah, this is how it is. Like, this is how it's always been. I mean, I think Scott will tell you, Scott, his best friend, that, you know, they were— he knew Todd was very good-looking at an early age.

It must be tough being good-looking.

Yeah, it's pretty hard, I can tell you. I can speak from experience.

Really? How long have you been good-looking for?

Since I got my plastic surgery.

What's the toughest part about being good-looking?

Probably just turning people down.

You turn a lot of people down?

Yeah, I just have to say, I can't talk to you, you're not good-looking enough.

You have a lot of girls throw themselves at you, right?

Well, sometimes I volunteer at the dog shelter, the female dog shelter.

The female dog shelter?

Yeah, so they throw themselves at me. I want to apologize to the audience for wherever I just took that improv. That was maybe the worst joke I've ever made. And let me just say to all of you, I want to reassure you that the comedy will get better, and I'm going to try my best. And if stopping this and derailing this show for that joke is any consolation—

Okay, we got it. I have a fun celebrity story with my girlfriend Liza. Yeah, we went to the Spider-Man premiere.. Oh yeah. And one of her favorite celebrities of all time was in attendance. Like, I mean her hero. Like, this is a girl, and for the sake of the argument, I'm going to make up a name because I don't want to say her name just in case. Sure. So let her name be— Jessica Simpson. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston. That one's easy to remember for me. So we found out that Jennifer Aniston is going to be at this premiere. And Liza, since she's moved to LA 2 years ago, This is like, this is her dream to meet Jennifer Aniston. Like, there's nothing, there's nothing greater than this. Like, this is it. And we're looking for her around at the party, at the after-party of this premiere, and she's nowhere to be found. We've literally walked the entire thing for like 20 minutes just, just looking for her, and we can't find her. So we're about to go home. We're like, screw it, let's go. Liza's like, maybe this isn't the right time. I'm not feeling it anymore. Like, it needs to be the right time when she meets Jennifer Aniston because she really wants it to be perfect. So we're leaving, and then this other actor from the movie comes up to me and he's like, hey, I'm friends with Josh Peck, who's a mutual friend of ours. And he's like, I really wanted to meet you and introduce myself. So I'm like, hey, what's up? And I was just— we were just talking, and I told him, I'm like, yeah, my girlfriend loves Jennifer Aniston. And he's like, oh, you mean Jay? And I'm like, Jay who? Oh, you have a nickname for her? And he's like, yeah, come here, I'll introduce you. And he's like, yeah, she's right over there. And then he took us to Jay, and I'm like, Liza, come on, he's gonna take us, he's gonna take us to Jay, to Jennifer, to Jennifer Aniston. And Liza's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's okay, it's okay. And I'm like, Liza just doesn't want to go, but don't worry, I'm gonna make her day right here. So I'm like, no, Liza, come on, let's go, let's do this. So I'm like all excited, I'm like, hell yeah, I'm gonna do this. Liza's gonna be so happy after she meets Jennifer Aniston.

She's gonna respect me.

She's gonna finally respect me. And we're walking over there,. And a bunch of kids run up to Liza and they're like, they're like maybe 10, 12 years old. And they're like, can we have a picture? Can we have a picture? And Liza doesn't say no to anybody for pictures. And neither do I. I never say no to a picture. But, but at the time I'm like, this guy's taking us to meet this person. It's an important person. Liza has been dying to meet this person. I told the kids, I'm like, I point to their dad and I'm like, listen, sir, I see you. You're wearing that blue shirt. You're the only one wearing that blue shirt. You're wearing that shirt. I'll be back. We'll take pictures with you guys, I promise. And he just gave me such a dirty look. But I was like, I was like, I know we're gonna be back. This is fine. We'll go take the picture. Liza meets— Liza meets Jennifer Aniston, and it's just like a so-so encounter. It's literally just like, hey, I look up to you, blah blah blah. It's nothing, nothing great.

And like, Jennifer Aniston, kind of a jerk?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It was just like, it wasn't, you know By the way, we're not talking about Jennifer Aniston.

No, right? There wasn't enough like oomph in the conversation. So Liza's walking away, she's like kind of bummed out that like it wasn't the best meeting, and she's like, maybe I— she was like, I shouldn't have met her now, it should have been another time. And then we walk up to the kids and the, the kids all have like a frown, like a frown on them, like they're all like frowning, like they're all pissed at Liza. And their dad goes, um, these are Jennifer Aniston's nieces and nephews. And he's like pissed. And Liza's like, shit. And we're just like, oh my God. And it was like, he was angry. Like, he was mad. And Liza takes pictures with them. She's as nice as she can be. And then she just starts crying. And then she, she cries all the way out of the premiere. And I felt so so bad. Like, I'm chasing her. I'm not— she's like trying to get out of there really quick because she's crying. She's in tears. And I'm like, fine, I'm like, guys, let's slow down. And she's just crying. And like, it— like, this was— this was the worst. Like, in the moment, it was like the worst moment of her life. But then we got in my car, and then like, you know, 5 minutes—

your car's so fucking awesome.

She realized she's living such a lucky life.

She's with me and I'm so great.

No, no, no.

We got in the car and like, what am I What are you crying about?

Yeah, you would just— um, no, but like 5 minutes into the car, she just started laughing. She's like, that was like— like, what are the chances?

You told me that story, this is what popped into my head, was the uncle— yeah, was he by chance like the, the famous person's like hanger-on dude that like wasn't famous and like was like taking on her celebrity? You know what I mean? Well, yeah, like, was he like a producer or like, who was this guy?

Like, I mean, yeah, he was probably— he was probably just like a, uh, just like a family member that like was kind of latching on to Jennifer Aniston.

I hate when people do that. I hate when people latch on to other people's celebrity like that.

Well, I do it a lot with you, but, um, no, I, I don't know. I don't think it was— I, I think he, he was, he was in the right to make that face and to like be like that because I don't know, we kind of just—

why? You explained it, right? No. Why didn't you explain it? Why didn't you say—

'Cause I wasn't there. Liza told me what happened.

But why didn't Liza go, "Hey, I'm so sorry. I really wanted to meet her, and that was why I turned your autograph down." I think she did.

She did.

But it was too late by then. Yeah.

They sound like assholes.

Jennifer Aniston's siblings.

Yeah, they sound like real dicks. No, but it turned out great.

Did you see what's going on with my feet this week?

Yeah, what's going on? It's like pulsating.

I might Snapchat this.

Dude, that looks disgusting. Are you gonna rip it off?

Well, I ripped this one off already.

There's like a piece of skin that's like falling off Jason's foot.

But there's—

but you guys know when you get blisters, like, Jason has a blister the size of a clementine on his foot.

I need a pin and then we can watch all the water fall out of it.

Oh, dog, you need a laser. You need—

you need like—

just when I got my feet in order, you need like a huge sword, a land—

yeah, a lancing is what I need.

I was trying to make the joke. Who's the guy that pulled that thing out of the— who— the guy that pulled the sword out of the rock? Oh, um, Curtis Lepore. Yeah, Curtis Lepore. Who's the guy that pulled the thing out of the rock?

Um, um, Hamlet.

I don't know.

Alcatraz. Al— and now David and Jason will show you what total fucking morons they are. Forget it. For the next 10 minutes, they will reveal the dumbasses that they were born to be.

I have another story.

Don't ask questions about stuff we don't know.

I'm sorry, I won't let that happen again. I used to go to school with this kid, and he was in the school band, and his school was taking a field trip. Yeah.

You're like, yeah, what is it? No, I'm pretending like I don't know the story, but I love the story, so I'm already laughing, so I'm not sure how to play it. I'm like, do I pretend like I haven't heard it? 'Cause I love it so much.

Go, go, just go. He, so he was, he was, okay, so he was in the band. He was in like the school band and he— What did he play? I don't know what he played. He just wasn't getting, it's a really short story. He wasn't getting good grades and they were going on to, they were going on a field trip to like the zoo or some shit. I don't know where they were going. I don't know where a band takes a field trip. But he couldn't go because of his grades. So he stayed at home that day and before the kids left to go on the field trip, he called in a bomb threat on the school.

Jesus.

I love how you're still pretending like you didn't hear it.

I do like the story though.

He called in a bomb threat because he didn't want anybody— everybody ended up going on this school field trip.

Did they call the field trip off? No. They were just like, we know it's Henry, or— Yeah, they're like, we know it's you, Jim. Okay, and did they get him?

I mean, the guy, it wasn't like he didn't get a bad punishment. Seriously? Yeah, it was like, it was like a suspension for a little bit.

Dude, this is like post-9/11. The guy didn't get punished for a bomb threat.

But like, school stuff wasn't as legit as like it is now. It was middle school.

It was like, it was like— so this was 8 years ago? Yeah, 2009. It was pre-9/11. What? 2009?

Oh shit, it's not pre-9/11.

Are you fucking Serious? It's been a long day, David. I threw my back out at Universal yesterday.

What year was 9/11 in your head when you were doing that? I was thinking 2011. 2011? Jesus Christ, the face you gave me. Wait, it was 7 years ago, so it was before 2001. It'd be a bad detective. Jesus Christ, are we still continuing that bit about us being two dumbasses? Now watch this and be a dumbass.

Just me. Um, so what happened?

Nothing?

No, nothing.

Nothing happened to this kid? No, he was just a— he was just a kid who's misbehaving. How old was he? He was, I don't know, 13, 12, 14.

And, um, did he call from his— did he do like, um, hey, caller ID?

I don't know. I mean, I'm assuming— I'm assuming it was just straight up a call. I don't— I can't imagine that he didn't even star 67. But why don't we talk about our $500,000 offer we got to climb Mount Everest?

Everest. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a, that's a big one.

Which, I mean, that's what we would do in Slovakia is just Train, train in Slovakia, yes.

We would climb to the village center.

Yes, train and then have the money flown in, in the Russian black choppers and rained it down and build two statues of us in the town, yes.

We would take the sheep off.

That is my Russian Slovak accent, it's neither here nor there.

No, but I feel like that's such a good deal. To climb Mount Everest is a cool story, and we make half a million dollars.

And you want to pass that? What makes you think that you'll be able to get up there?

I mean, we train, right?

You're gonna stop doing the vlog and you're just gonna go start training for Mount Everest? Yeah.

Yeah, that's what you're gonna do?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, you're right. I can't even get you to go to the fucking grocery store.

Yeah, but that's not climbing Mount Everest for 500G. If you told me— if you told me Super Target was on top of Mount Everest, I'd be going to the Super Target. For $500,000.

For $500,000. Yeah, I don't know, man. I don't think you'd do it.

You don't think I'd go?

I think you're lying again.

OK, well, fair enough. I think you're full of shit. Guys, we had— let me indulge in this story. We had our first live podcast the other day. And this podcast was actually supposed to be the live podcast, but the audio was awful. And the show was shit.

No, I'm kidding. David didn't like the show. I was so mad when I got off stage.

Oh my god, we got off the stage. And Jason's talking to someone and he's like that, you know, he does his thing, he does his thing, he goes, that was great, that was so great. And I'm over there telling my manager, I'm like, it could have been better, it could have been better. And then all of a sudden I hear Jason pick up on the conversation, he goes, what the fuck are you saying?

I lost it.

Like, I fucking lost it. Jason just fucking went crazy.

You, you won't allow like an ounce of like victory or joy in anything and And it's so hard to be around.

I think we were close to a solid show, but we had some hiccups. But the next show we have, which I hope is coming soon, we're gonna be on our A-game, guys.

David. Yes? The show was sold out. They laughed the entire fucking time. I watched the video, even with the bad audio.

This is where it's— this is my point that I don't think you got. It's, it's the people that are watching us. They're gonna laugh the entire time. It's gonna be sold out because of the people that watch us. I want our podcast to be good if a random person off the street walks in and they sit down and they're like, what am I walking into? Let's see if this is a good show. I don't—

but it's live, but you wanted it to be silent.

No, no, I understand.

You wanted them to be silent, and I was like, I don't, I don't think that that's— I've done a bunch of live podcasts and it's never been like—

no, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying it's not a TV taping, you know. I'm saying your argument about how they were laughing the entire time, right? Yes, because they, they watch our videos and they support us and they really like us, right? That's why they're there. But like, imagine if that show was played to a bunch of strangers.

Oh, I'm sure they would laugh too. I'm sure a bunch of strangers would think we were funny that night— that day— on that day.

I mean, I, I would, I would love to argue with you. Let's do it. I don't need to because there's no point, because I know, I know.

Well, I, I, I, I— there is a point to it.

I'm not letting you yell at me again on the podcast, Jason.

People love when I yell at you. And it's our bread and butter.

It's what pays for this house.

It's what pays for this house. I know, I really want to put my foot down because you take the joy out of everything. I really snapped when I saw you backstage shaking your head. You were like, you guys can't see what I'm doing, but you were like, no, no, no. No, no. Everyone was crowding around you. The people that work with us, slash for us, or whatever, your agent, your manager.

And they agreed with me.

They thought it was a fucking great show.

No, no, I talked to them later. Dude, listen, I don't like the whole coming off the stage and being like, good show, good show, because it's not true. It's not true. And like, we're not gonna bet— we're not gonna better ourselves if we're gonna come off every fucking show and be like, this was great. We didn't have the best show. It was our first show. So I give us all— I give us the— I give us complete—

tell me what you would have done differently.

I just think— I just think there was a lot of different— I think there's a lot of different improvements we could have like what? I mean, we— our problem, our problem was we were interacting a lot with the people in the first couple rows, and there was 500 people. They were calling shit out and they were talking during it, which we should have— which we should have addressed too. The first couple rows were ruining it, in my opinion, for the, for the couple rows in the back, because the people in the back—

but every single person I talked to, like, they— people were ecstatic after when you went to Teen Choice and I went out to catch my Uber to go to Palos Verdes, which is a really fancy town I went to.

Cool, good for you.

Um, like, people just— they loved it. I know, I just don't understand. I just don't know why you have to— I, I don't know why you can't just like— we're—

I'm not like— I'm not like—

you were— you were not off the stage 5 seconds and you were fucking like saying how much it sucked.

Not how much it sucked, but how much better it could have been. Like, I'm not— Jason, we're— we did the podcast together. So I'm not— I didn't watch your show and you didn't come off the stage and I wasn't like, "Your show sucked." I said our show sucked. I know. Like, I'm not talking shit about someone else's show. No, I'm just saying that because I think we have room for improvement. Well, sure, but like— That's not why I brought this up. That's not why I brought this up. Can we just skip this bullshit? Who cares? Okay? You done? Are you done? Are you done? Say something. It's a podcast. It's not a video.

I'm not done. No.

Okay. I'm done. Okay. All right. Well, let me backtrack a little bit so the story makes sense. Um, I don't know if you guys remember, but we went to go see Chuck Norris. Um, and, and we, we, we went to Houston for this flight and on our flight back we were sitting first class, which is, which is where the first class—

and let me just say, David was paid to go to Houston. It was a job and I just went. And somehow David got me a plane ticket.

Oh, and Jason— yeah, Jason just tagged along for this job I was doing.

It wasn't even like we weren't even staying in a fancy hotel. We didn't even stay over. Yeah, we just—

I just went. We just went for a couple hours. And on our flight back from Houston, we're sitting— we're on— we're the first row in first class. It's great. We're living life. This is the best day of my life because you know how much I love first class. I rarely fly it, and it's just like— it's Jesus Christ, it's incredible. And sitting right beside us is a very attractive mother that her daughter watches the vlogs. Yeah. And Jason takes notice of this, and Jason like is up in arms. Like, he's like, he's fallen in love.

This woman is just so— she's got that kind of OC look, beautiful skin, looks like she was on that show, um, The Hills. Did you ever watch the show The Hills? No. God, you're so young. He was— I swear, like, that show was on in like 2000. He was just really, really digging this one of those hot like You know, you see Pilates moms that like get good facials and she's really pretty.

She's beautiful. Yeah, so they started talking because their daughter was a fan of the vlogs and they were talking over me because I was in the middle seat. So they would keep talking to each other and I fell asleep and I don't know if you guys talked a little bit more, but I'm assuming you guys did. We did. Basically, long story short, we were getting off the flight and Jason was like, should I have gotten her number? Should I have gotten her number? And I'm like, dude, I don't know, man. I think— I'm pretty sure she was taken. I'm pretty sure she's in a relationship. And he's like, you're right, you're right, whatever. And that's it. That's all that happened. And then fast forward 3, 4 months later when we're at our live show, during the Q&A someone raises their hand and they go, my mother wants to go on a date with you. She's wondering if she can get your number. And the mother that we saw on the flight is right there. Yeah. And Jason's eyes just go, this is it.

It was— I couldn't believe it. I was like, I was like, David, David, is that, is that her?

Is that her? And long story short, again, they exchanged numbers, they hung out last night. I drove them around to a bar. I put on my favorite song.

I had a really important date, so I brought David to make sure that it went well.

Um, I played on my— I put my favorite song on, which is right now Feel It Still by Portugal.

The Man.

Yes. And the second I put it on, what happened, Jason? Started making out. Yeah, the lovemaking started. Why? Because DJ David knows how to control the tunes.

DJ, you should just— what if you turned into a DJ?

You just stopped YouTube. I mean, the, the, the love I felt coming from the back seat when I turned that on. I, I love being like an Uber for people, and that's what I was being for Jason and this girl.

Yeah, and you do love it.

You love it. And they were just in the backseat just making love. Yeah, making sweet— like, they had sex like 3 times.

Yeah, yeah, I did it 3 times in, in that car during the song. I had 3 orgasms to Portugal the Man.

No, he made out. He, he made out with her. That's, that's all that happened. But it was, it was really nice to see them connect. Yeah, and she's completely out of Jason's league. Like, I mean, like, well, yeah, I, I—

that's why I didn't get her number. Because I was like, this girl is so hot.

Yeah, there's no point. But it happened. It was the most exciting time for Jason. I'm so, so happy for Jason. Something's finally going right. Oh, he called me. He's picking her up to hang out with her, um, and he sends me voice messages. He's been there for 10 minutes. She's not responding to the calls. And he sends me the most depressing voice messages.

He's like, David, I'm waiting for her outside a concert, and there's— it's like a lot of traffic, and then people are pouring out of the concert, and I'm just sitting and she's not texting me back.

And the voice messages are like, David, listen, man, um, this really sucks, but I feel like— I feel like I'm being stood up. This always happens to me. I don't know why. I'm getting the vibe she's standing me up, man. I don't deserve her. She's too hot. Like, the saddest, like, things that he's saying. Like, they're so sad, and I feel so bad. But we're all listening to these in my living room.

Oh, you were?

Yeah, I played it out loud. I played out the voice messages out loud and I heard how like sad it was that I paused it and I told everyone to shut up. And I was like, guys, shut up, shut up, listen to this. And I played it out loud and it just all started cracking up. And then turns out her phone was dead or something.

And then her phone was dead. Her phone was dead. She was with her friend. She had the—

she had that, um, and then they connected later.

What do you call that? What do you call that when you're trying to like get with a girl and she brought her friend. Um, she wasn't fat, so not the fat ugly friend.

She's just not trying to get with you. It's just kind of like making sure that she's okay.

Yeah, well, and I liked her, but it was—

you didn't like it? You didn't like that her friend was third-wheeling? You just wanted it to be me, you, and her, right? Yeah, right. You're like, the only person I can bring a friend is me. Um, no, but it turned out to be a good date. I'm happy for him.

I'll tell you, David, I am really, really, really in love.

You think you're in love? Guys, I don't know how to describe this woman, but she's actually very attractive, especially when you compare her and she stands next to Jason. It's incredible. It's like, Jesus Christ. It just doesn't make any sense. She looks like Chet Rattatau's wife. When Jason brought her over—

You said Kate Beckinsale.

No, that was Josh. Oh, Josh Beckinsale. When Jason brought her over to the apartment, Brandon took Brandon took me to the bathroom and he was like, what the fuck is going on? Really? Yeah.

What did he say?

He just thought it was a joke. He thought I was pulling a joke on him. And I'm like, no, that's actually— that's actually the person Jason brought back. And it's hard to believe. Like, if you see this woman, you're like, that's— that— this— there's something not right here.

That's when— that's when the vlogs are really funny, is when something— something magical does— no, there's something magical does happen, and then happens, and then everyone assumes it's like, okay, David, Yeah, fuck, because you know, during—

guys, like midway through the date, I don't know what I said, but Jason goes— Jason's eyes widen, Jason's eyes widen, he goes, oh my God, this is a setup! David, you set this up! This is a prank! Oh my God, I did do that. Even Jason didn't believe that it was real.

And then in my head I was like, no, no, no, no, you've had like like detailed long texts and conversations with this person. Like, like she would have to be the best actress in the world.

And like, I was just— and in that moment I was waiting for everyone to be like, ah, yeah, I can't believe— like, this is how out of, like, out of reach this girl is to Jason normally that he didn't believe that it was actually happening.

I want to thank you, David. For what? For staying with me during my jaded times. Of course, some of the, you You're quite the romantic. Thank you. David's really into love, and David's a great person to talk to about relationships, actually. A friend of ours was having trouble the other day, and I was— I think a lot of, like, everyone knew he was having trouble, and so I kind of cracked it open and said, hey, what's up? And he started to reveal himself to me. And David, David's so funny because he's like, he's kind of— he's a badass, but he's also like the biggest, world's biggest gossip. Yeah, and you switch over to gossip really quick. Quick. So he came running in, he's like, oh, I want to hear, I want to hear relationship, relationship. So you love talking about relationships. Relationships. Why do you love that so much?

It's just the best. I went, I went on this date with this, um, with this girl that Jason was on with last night who we're talking about right now, and her friend who also came, and they were both divorced, uh, moms. And I just like, I talked to them for like 40 minutes just about their divorce because it was just so— it's so interesting to me.

Yeah, it is.

Now she had the other relationship and they both had a divorce for maybe the same, maybe different reasons, and it was just so like— I love relationships because everyone has like a different taste in their mouth.

What did she say, the other woman? She said, uh, I was like, why'd you get divorced? She goes, only had sex 4 times in 9 years.

She said— no, she said 4 times in 3 years.

3 years.

Okay. I was like, holy cow, 4 times in 3 years. And she was talking about this guy who she just had sex with, and his penis, she called him baby arm. Because his penis was like a baby arm holding an apple. Yeah, that's terrifying.

Yeah, and then we asked her if— and some of the girls out there can find what I'm saying— that— but then I asked her, is it really a problem, a big penis? Because I wouldn't know. Yeah.

And she was like, you have a small penis?

Me?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, not like— you look—

you look like a small penis guy.

Oh, really? Yeah. Why don't you take your fucking pants down?

You look like a little pussy.

Really? I look like a pussy? Yeah. It's funny because I could beat the fuck out of you. Could you?

David? You have to chase me down first.

Oh, don't worry, I'll fucking find you.

You think you can beat me in a fight? Yeah, I'll kill you. We're literally going into an argument about penis size. You look like you have a small dick. Really? Because I could beat the fuck out of you.

It's strange because the $150,000 car in your driveway says really small penis.

Um, you're right, your divorce says really good-sized penis.

You're right, your insecurity about your girlfriend says really, really big penis.

Oh my God, you can go ahead and ask my girlfriend. You know what, next guest on our, on our podcast is my girlfriend. When's that?

My next show. When I get kicked off.

When you get kicked off. Um, guys, but that's— that is all the time we have.

Well, no, no, we should talk more about the woman. Oh yeah, well, we want to change it.

No, he's just— you're obsessed with her. He loves her.

We're gonna have her back. I mean, I do want to thank you.

Oh, she has 4 kids, by the way, and Jason has 2. Yeah, which is amazing mix because that turns 6, and 6 is like the devil. Yeah, it's gonna be a shit show if you guys ever get married.

And that's how much I like her. I don't even—

you don't even care how many kids she has?

No, I'm willing to take on these 4.

Last night when Jason was with this woman, he would just constantly be smelling her. And he was talking about how she smelled like heaven. She smelled like heaven.

You should have smelt her. I let Brandon smell her. It looked— Brandon, Brandon at one point goes, I'm sorry, I just have to— I have to smell you. I don't know what he's— he's going on and on. Can— would you mind? Would you mind if I just smelt you really quick?

I don't mean anything by it. No, it was—

and then he said, yeah, yeah, that, that is something.

She smelled great. He felt—

he falls in love too. She, she's, um, it was just—

it was like, it was really nice to like like, you know, to just relax and just to fall in love again. You look like you were falling in love all over again.

Yeah, man, I'm zooming right now.

You're still into her?

Yeah, I want to go see her right now.

But well, if you're listening to that— oh my God, she listens to these, huh? She listens to these.

She knows how I feel about her.

She feels the same way. Well, now you gave away that you have a tiny dick. We'll just have to cut that part out of the podcast, but But guys, uh, that's all the time we have. Make sure to go buy our shirts. Yeah, we have some Views shirts. I think they may be on the website.

Go check.

It's Friday, they'll come out. 15% off all, all merch when you use the promo code VIEWS. Um, go check that out. Go buy some shirts, make us some more money. We'll be back. Let us know if you want 2 podcasts a week. Let us know if you want guests. Let us know what you want less of in these podcasts, and let us know what you want more of in these podcasts by tweeting us. We'll see you guys around. This has been David Dobrik's podcast, Views.

We'll see— Whoa, you fucking little skank! I saw you do that.

Yeah, no, I'm kidding. I will see you guys later. It's David Dobrik Enterprise out.