Giving My Assistant A Promotion

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views.

Hey, Butt Munch.

You know what I'm going to be for Halloween?

What?

I'm just going to be a loser. Can I borrow your clothes? Let's just roll the intro music. So you know how you're always looking for things to surprise me with?

Sure.

Okay, well, I got it.

Okay.

I want a giant aquarium.

Oh my God. Asks for like a $300,000 gift.

Is it that expensive?

Yes.

Okay.

The size of the aquarium he wants.

Tell me where he saw the aquarium.

It's like floor to ceiling. No.

Yeah, I saw it. I saw it in another— I saw it in another house and it was floor to ceiling wine cellar. Instead of the wine cellar, they replaced it. Oh, and they had a big aquarium.

Wow.

That'd be cool.

Instead of the wine cellar.

Yeah. Which makes no sense. I have no idea where we're putting this giant fucking aquarium. Where I am.

Would you get that for me?

$300K on—

No, I don't think it's fish. I don't think it's $300K. You know, it's probably like— it's probably honestly, honestly like $85K.

No, more. Definitely more.

The fish, David. The fish alone are thousands of dollars.

Oh yeah.

Once we just get you a bunch of fucking goldfish.

What kind of fish do you want in there?

The coolest.

Like saltwater fish are so expensive.

Huh?

We get octopus. Get an octopus. You can be the— I can be the octopus teacher.

Oh my God, that'd be so sick.

Are you allowed to have octopuses? I don't know, I just want to get in trouble for having some exotic fish where people are like, that's not maintained properly, right? Yeah, I feel like an octopus though could pass that check.

No, I'm not sure, maybe like a baby.

We're just gonna have to go see the octopus every day, I guess.

That would be nice. But yeah, that'd be cool if we did the aquarium thing. No, yeah, I love that.

I'll look into it. Okay, uh, consider it done. I'll, I'll forego sending Wyatt to college and you'll have a bunch of fish that you won't care about in 3 weeks.

Hey guys, it's a real quick edit in the podcast. I actually found out yesterday how much the aquarium cost.

Oh, how much?

I had the aquarium guy come by. Okay. And for what I want to get done.

Yeah.

Get this ready. It's going to be $500,000. And that fucking insane. First of all, I told him what I wanted and he just started laughing because he was like, this guy. He was like, this guy has no fucking idea. He's like, this guy has no idea how much this shit costs.

Just a couple of sharks and one blue whale.

Well, and then I told him I was like, $500,000. Like, are you fucking serious? And then And I was like, how much are the fish? The fish are actually cheap. It's $10,000 to fill, which is— I'm saying cheap because how big of a fish are we talking, Dave?

Like, like your forearm?

No, no. Yeah, yeah, like my forearm.

$10 grand?

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

But I'm saying they're cheap compared to like, to compared to the fucking tank being $500,000, right? And the worst part is, he goes, he goes, not only that, but you have to have someone come in and clean the tank maybe even once or twice a week. Which is like, because if the green— because if the sunlight hits it, it just starts growing algae. So I'm like, are you fucking serious? And he's like, yeah, upkeep on it can be $4,000 to $5,000 a month. Oh, $4,000 to $5,000 a month, Jay.

Crazy.

They're like in a pool.

$4,000 to $5,000 a month. That's a fucking— that's a mortgage for people. Yeah, that's so crazy.

Or just had to have the guy in your house at all.

Yes.

Twice a month is awful.

I was like, I was like, I can't— I can't do that. So, so I'm, so I'm falling back on that idea. But I really wanted the aquarium not for the fish or for like the plants. I just really wanted the color blue. To light up liquid form. So I thought of another thing. I empty out whatever— I make a space for the aquarium, but instead of filling it up with fish or water, I fill it up with dish soap, like blue dish soap. Okay. And then that way it's still blue and it still gives off like that blue ocean vibe, but there's no fish I have to feed, nothing I have to clean. It's already clean because it's soap. So I just feel like maybe that's going to be my new thing.

You're just going to have a vat of dish soap in your living room?

I don't know, bro. I've just been so disappointed. $500,000 for an aquarium. Half a million dollars. And I was like, dude, I cannot believe— and then I told him, I was like, let's make a smaller one. And even the smaller ones are over $100K.

Oh God.

And I'm like, oh, this is like— I didn't know that aquariums were like a proper rich person thing. And like, now I've like— now I have a newfound appreciation. When I see a goldfish, I'm gonna go, whoa, this shit's expensive.

I got pranked the other day.

Oh fuck, yeah, dude. Jason's a fucking idiot, guys. So he was, uh, You got Jason auditioned for a Borat 3 movie. Yeah, there is no Borat 3 movie. Someone sent him a fake audition and for some fucking reason he thought it was real and he went and he auditioned, like full-on audition for the fucking movie.

Yeah, it was awful.

Can you explain what happened?

The day you filmed with Borat, I got called about auditioning for Borat 3.

Yeah, bro. He fucking— you came up to me too and he goes, he goes, 'Yo, I'm actually auditioning for something for Sasha.' And I was like, 'No way.' And he's like, 'Yeah, I think it's Borat 3.' And I was like, 'What the fuck? Already? Borat 2 is coming out right now.' I know.

And I wish I'd had you call to be like, 'Are you guys doing Borat 3 already?' And Sasha would be like, 'No.' Yeah. And so it came through my old agency. Yeah, like a real agency. Yeah, right. It says, uh, the casting director's like a real casting director, like that.

Yes, her name, her name is like— she is the casting director.

Yep, yep. They hacked your emails.

Oh, wow.

These guys' emails. Yeah, they did. That's what— that's what I was told.

No, they just created a new email using her name. Her— her casting agency is hername.com, but the email that you got was.co.uk.

And the audition for Borat 3, obviously, as you can tell now, turned out to be completely fucking fake, right? Not a real thing. And you auditioned for it.

I read the script. The lines were like pretty funny. Like, I thought the lines were good. I was like, oh, this is funny. As soon as I got on the Zoom, I saw the two guys there and I was like, fuck.

Wow. You did your audition on a Zoom?

Yeah.

Oh, so these two guys were probably filming a YouTube video.

Yeah, for sure. Like, I know who they are.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who? I don't know their names, but they're English.

Oh, are they the guys that prank people?

Yeah.

That pranked that woman into— Oh, you're going to be in a straight-up YouTube video. Oh my God.

It sucks.

And then I still do the audition when you saw them on the Zoom.

So, so, so I'm in that moment where I'm like, okay, I'm like, fuck, this looks fishy as fuck. Like Nancy Bishop's not here. It's two guys in their 20s.

And our manager, Jack, also like gave you the approval to do this.

It didn't come through Jack. It came through my old manager, my comedy manager, like my traditional manager.

How the hell did they get that?

Because they get stuff from time to time because I'm still on like casting stuff for when I used to act. And I looked at them and I was like, they start talking And I just freeze. I'm like, fuck, this looks really shady. This looks shady as fuck. But then at the same time, you're like, fuck, this is Borat maybe, so I don't wanna like fuck up. And so then they're like, are you there? Are you there? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm here, I'm here. And they're like, okay, do you wanna just give it a read, give it a go? And then I even said, I was like, I go, yeah, my friend David just filmed with him and it came out so funny. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they, they were like, uh, they said something really suspicious. They were like, they're like, oh, was he in character the whole time? I'm like, well, like, you would know that if you were Borat.

Oh, what the fuck?

If you were Borat's, like, casting director, you would know, like, how he works.

These two guys tricked you into auditioning for Borat 3, movie that does not exist?

Yeah.

You got on a call and you read lines in front of them too?

Yep. But it ruined my day. I was just, like, so pissed all day because I was like— because I canceled a bunch of stuff I was gonna do a whole makeup thing that day and I canceled it because it was Borat 3. Like, oh my God, but they, they were fun. Like, they did a really good job. They were also masked, you know, they had like, um, like COVID masks on too, obviously, like, so I wouldn't recognize them. But I wouldn't have recognized them anyway because I don't know the guys. And, uh, yeah, that was it. I even said at the end, I go, was this real? Was this a— was this like a real vid? Was this a real audition? And they're like, oh yeah, yeah, it's totally real. The only— you might be just doing some pranking on the set when you get the part But this is a totally real audition. And I was like, they totally got me. So I mean, hats off to them. They did a really good job. So funny. But you are— it is a good way to prank somebody because when you want something, you're stuck. You're like, fuck, this feels wrong, but I don't want to fuck up my Borat 3 audition either.

I wonder how many people got fucking pranked into that.

Like, they're obviously like know what they're doing and they're good.

Josh and Archie. Yeah, that's the guy.

I think that's them.

Yeah. Yeah, those are the guys that did the Fuck the woman with the tiger.

Tiger.

Tiger King.

Carol Baskin into thinking that she was on like Jimmy Fallon or something.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard about that.

So funny.

Yeah.

Good for them. Ella has another crazy story. Ella, hit us. Ella will start saying cool stories like throughout the week and I'll just be like, shut up. Save it for the podcast.

I can never finish a story in this household. I don't know. We were talking about it because it was like about death or whatever. So my family on my dad's side is pretty big, and he has like 8 brothers and sisters. So when I was really young, I spent a bit of time in India with my family, and my grandma was very old. She was feeling— she like was totally fine, in perfect health, and we were there. And then one day she like woke up, and she— my dad was in, she was like, Michael, I don't feel good. Something's wrong. Uh, I can feel it in me. Something's not right, take me to the hospital. So my dad took her to the hospital, and then while she's at the hospital, they get a call that her son, my dad's brother, my uncle, had been shot and he was killed. Actually, he wasn't shot, but he was killed in the Philippines, in a completely different country that they were in. And everyone was like, what's going on? What is going on? And my grandma was like, I knew it, something was wrong, I knew something was wrong. And he died in the Philippines because he was killed, and then she died the next day.

That's fucking nuts.

How crazy is that?

It's fucking nuts.

It's nuts.

It's going to be like if something happens to Natalie, I honestly—

that's why I believe that.

Like, I'm going to feel it in my gut. Yeah. When Natalie has really bad diarrhea, I can feel it. I can go, something's wrong. And it's honestly because, because it's the pipes in our house just kind of spew it back into my room, right? So it's not really a sixth sense. I can just smell it.

Natalie has diarrhea. We do. We share a bathroom wall. So whenever David takes a shit, I hear it.

Yeah.

Whenever I take a shit.

Really? Yeah. Which— are you serious?

Wait, actually.

And hers are insane. Hers are like—

that's not true.

It's like she's shooting pellets into the toilet.

That part's not true. But me hearing David shit is true.

We do hear each other a little bit.

Do you guys— do you knock on the wall like, hey, I'm shitting?

Well, we have a can. We have a can that goes string— can with a string that goes out my bathroom window into her bathroom.

Two chunky soup cans with a string on it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That's the best way to communicate.

Two chunky pieces of soup cans while we're making our own chunky soup. That's disgusting.

That's so gross.

Have you ever met anybody with a superpower?

My mother.

You're—

what is that?

You're pretty close.

You're probably the closest. Super scammer? Super scam?

You're probably the closest I've seen to having a superpower. You, you definitely have a sixth thing about you.

What's my superpower?

You think he has a fucking superpower?

Oh, Natalie, let the man finish.

I don't think he— I don't think he has a superpower. I think he has a, a sixth —charmed or some sort of otherworldly luck or something.

Wow, that's nice of you.

There's just no way, Natalie. There's no fucking way. I mean, feel his fucking feet.

Yeah, feel my feet.

My feet are super soft. His hands. He's not of this earth.

So I can't fly?

I haven't seen it, but if you did fly one day, I'd be like, go away.

I'll be honest. I'll be real. No one in this room has seen me fly. You can fly? No, but explain what you mean. What do you mean?

Well, you're just like really lucky. Like when we've gone to Vegas, you always win.

I mean, like, that's my superpower is I'm going to roulette.

We've been like, we've been like down and out, like looking for a bit and then it just materializes.

But that's just like vlogging. That was—

no, no, there's a certain amount of like, I mean, yeah, we all say it. Everyone's like, David's luck.

I mean, it's just a certain thing that you have that just must have been really unlucky in his past life. Yeah.

Yeah. Like also, also like if you died, I'd be like, oh yeah.

Right, that's how I feel.

Yeah, like you, you're somebody who's like not long for the world. And I don't mean that to be disrespectful or to make you sad in any way, but you're—

you guys saying that he's gonna die?

He's gonna cry. Not soon.

Don't worry, if I die, I'm taking you with me. You bet your fucking ass. We're going together, baby. Who's gonna get the bread and the tea in fucking heaven?

Yeah, I guess. It's still me, dude.

I'm gonna get to heaven and God's gonna go, okay, I know this sucks that you died, but look who I killed last night for you. Taylor's gonna be like, hi, I'm Taylor!

It's right back to normal how it was here. Yeah, she's making the tea.

She's gonna think like, finally I've been in heaven, I've escaped, I'm free.

I was talking to—

no, she'd probably love it. She'd probably love to be in heaven with David.

I was talking to Taylor the other day and I was asking her, Jay, like What would happen if, like, I just decided to move back to Vernon Hills? Yeah, like, just back to my hometown. Hometown. Like, would she come with me? Yeah. Like, would she just, like, I'd set up like a guest house for her and like, you know, I feel like I have enough money where I could just live off it for the rest of my life and live like by, like, very small means. Like, you know, just have a nice house in Vernon Hills. Taylor goes and gets the bread and the tea every morning. Yeah.

Maybe work at Dick's Sporting Goods or something. Yeah.

Yeah.

Simple life. Yeah. And she's down the lifetime.

She says you're down to go live in Vernon Hills.

I'll rent out the court at Lifetime. Time.

Yeah, she said she's down.

Uh, yeah, yeah, this is like, this is like Manson shit, man.

This is crazy. You can't—

you're, you're, uh, I don't— I like— are you into a spell? Yes, she is. I was hoping Natalie and Ella would come with me. Fuck no.

Yeah, I got a fucking career and life ahead of me.

David doesn't tell her that Natalie and Ella aren't there when Taylor gets there.

Hey, wait, what Who's the us?

Honestly, it would— well, the boys would be there, and like, the boys are pretty fun.

Okay, honey, I hung out with those boys for 10 years out of my life. I'll tell you, they're not that fun. John?

Yeah, John is sweet.

That's right, that's something. They're really sweet.

But Taylor, what do you want for your life?

You're so young.

David, stay out of this for a second. What do you want?

Okay, Taylor, remember what we practiced. Taylor, remember the rehearsed answer, okay?

What do you want with your life? Honestly, separate from dating.

If we're taking a serious note on this, I just wanna make it clear that, you know, hopefully, like, this would be the worst case scenario that we move to Vernon Hills.

The cult can get bigger. Vernon Hills? I want you to watch Wild Wild Country on Netflix, okay? Can you watch that?

What is that about?

It's a movie about a cult in Oregon. Jesus Christ.

We're not going to Oregon. Our cult will be in Vernon Hills.

Watch Wild Wild Country.

Yeah, but that's the thing about our cult, Jay, is it'd be cool and it wouldn't be like tacky like other cults. We wouldn't do weird shit.

No, you do fun stuff.

Yeah, we do fun stuff. Make stories. It's like more like a clubhouse.

Yeah, cult house.

Like, yeah, like Hype House, but cult house.

Jay, but answer the question. I'm genuinely very curious. Yes. What do I want?

Yeah, with your life.

I just want to be happy. Think you're going to be happy in Vernon Hills?

Come on down.

I move around a lot, so like, Chicago's a great city, I hear.

Oh, I can't believe you're actually considering that. I haven't even been to the Bean, but like, I haven't even been to the Bean. She's going to uproot her life, move to Vernon Hills.

Have you ever watched Kimmy Schmidt? No. You should watch that.

Yeah, it's Kimmy Schmidt.

You are Kimmy Schmidt.

What's Kimmy Schmidt?

Yeah, I don't know. It's like this girl, she like moves into this like apartment or whatever in New York and—

No, it's a girl that was taken and lives in a guy's basement her entire life. Oh God. And then one day she breaks out and she missed like the '90s and the 2000s. Oh, she's just like Taylor. She's like really cheery. And now she has to start her life. It's a Tina Fey sitcom that she wrote. It's really good.

That is so funny. When I first brought up the idea to Taylor about moving back to Verne Hills, I was like, I love teachers. I'm like, I'll just become a teacher and Taylor will just grade the papers. Like, what a perfect combination that is.

Yeah, you really wanted to be a teacher.

So we were, we were at, we were, we were at Catch. We were at Catch and it was the boys were in town. So yeah, let's go out to dinner. The best. The best. And, and the waiter came around and he asked what we wanted and I was like, it's Mike's birthday. I just lied. It wasn't Mike's birthday. I was like, it's Mike's birthday. Can we get him like one of those cakes? And the waiter goes, oh my God, so you're a Libra? And Mike and Mike goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Rawr. We just fucking started dying. And then, and then the cake came back and in chocolate the waiter wrote "Rawr" on it. It was really funny.

Yeah, that sounds like fun. I was on it. I was on this date the other day and the girl said the funniest thing.

Like, we sat down. You went on a date?

Yeah, I went on a date.

Oh my God.

What does this girl do? She doesn't really do much. She's like a writer or whatever. She doesn't— she doesn't do much. She does stuff, right? She doesn't have like a big job or anything. She's a playwright. She's homeless.

No, she's not homeless. Okay.

But, but anyways, she sat down and And it was very awkward at the table. Of course, I'd imagine spending time with you, Jason. Believe me, I go through it every week on this podcast.

Right, right, right.

So, so I just was like, I just said like the fucking most basic thing you could say. I was just like, so what a year, huh? How's, how's your, how's your 2020? You know, like stupid thing to say, whatever. That's what I said. And she was so funny. She like, she like looked around the restaurant like that and she leaned into me and she goes, I have to tell you, it's been fucking great. And I was like, I was like, that's hilarious. She's like, she's like, you know, not so bad. She's like, you know, I just like, I like to stay home. I'm home a lot. It's not bad. She's like, it's forcing me to write. And that was funny. That's great. I'm like, and I said, I said, you know what? I said, mine, mine hasn't been that bad either, you know what I mean? Like, it's bad.

It's funny how like every Zoom call like I get on, or like any Zoom call or any meeting you have with anybody, like the first thing to say is How you doing? And then the person goes, well, you know, doing the best I can. Like, that's always everybody's response. And it's like, well, under these circumstances, I think I'm okay. Like, that's what everybody says. And it's like every Zoom call starts out with like a new way of saying people want to fucking blow their brains out. So I haven't talked to you in a while. Is everything okay? I mean, yeah, you know, we're, we're, we're definitely, we're definitely getting back to regular, getting back to the new normal. The new normal. I fucking hate that on Zoom calls.

But, you know, it's also like, didn't you— I also think— I thought there'd be way more deaths. I thought people would be like— I thought we'd be fucked, fucked, fucked. But, you know, we're pulling through.

And you think we are? I heard Europe is shutting down again.

Yeah, I heard that.

Yeah, I think it's getting worse.

Well, maybe, but so far could have been way worse.

I also don't know where to, like, where to take in information. Like, I feel like you look at one place and it's like bad, bad, bad. You look at another place like, bro, I'll talk to friends and they'll be like, dude, We beat it. And then I'll talk to like another friend group and they'll be like, bro, it's fucking bad. Like, you should stock up. I think they're going to close the government down again. So it's like whoever you talk to, it's like completely different. Like every answer is so different. Yeah.

David, you won't believe this shit. I swear to God, I cannot make this shit up. You know, I'm not this funny. What happened? I just got a text from the girl. Supposed to go out again tonight.

Oh, the girl that we're just talking about? Yeah. You have another date with her tonight? Yeah. What'd she say?

Feeling a little bit of a migraine coming on. Would you be annoyed?

Annoyed if I cancel? Oh my God, what are you gonna say? Uh, yes, very annoyed.

Uh, maybe I'll say, don't do this to me.

How often does this happen to you? This is—

I've been on one date in literally a year.

You look showered. You look showered too, man.

I didn't shower.

Oh, you're so clean. Maybe it's a new sweatshirt.

No, I showered. I mean, yeah, it— how often? This is why I don't date, Dave.

I mean, hey, at least she— at least she didn't say she was in a car wreck. That'll take her out for a couple weeks. Migraines, it looks like maybe she'll be good to hang out tomorrow. Probably not.

Jason, I love your two cents on this, um, topic. Okay, the other day I asked David, you know, I've been here for 3 whole years working my butt off, doing a whole bunch of stuff, and I was like, maybe I could get like a little promotion of some sort, maybe a title change, just like give me a bone of anything. Yeah.

And what is your current title?

I am an assistant.

David calls everyone his assistant.

Every new employee is called an assistant. It's just easy for him to say. It rolls off the tongue.

It's easier to say. And I'll ask you, she's like, why do you call everyone assistant? I'm like, well, first of all, not first of all, but it's just in videos and in things, it's just easier to put assistant. Like, I'm not going to go my chief of staff. So, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, it's just easier to put assistant, surprising my chief of staff with brand new Mercedes. Like, it just doesn't roll off the tongue.

But it's just not as funny as assistant.

But I understand why Natalie wants a new title.

So I totally get that. Like, I get for like the videos and for the sake of that, like calling an assistant and having that, that be the thing, it like totally makes sense. My thing is more like when we're in meetings or we're like, you know, at an, you know, this was maybe like 2019, but we're at an event and I'm introduced to people and like I'm meeting all these like really important people and David's like, this is my assistant Natalie. Yeah. And the people are just like, okay. And I'm like completely disregarded. It's just like when you have like a title like that, it doesn't like— it doesn't have much like authority that gets carried. Sure.

Like if you're on emails to like on email chains, if you know they're asking for things or whatever it is, like if you have assistant in your bio or whatever it is, if you're like, oh, chiming in as not like David's assistant, they don't take you that seriously, right? It's very much like, okay, she's going to schedule what time the meeting's going to be at. It's like, no, no, no, no. She's going to run the fucking meeting. 100%.

I get what you're saying. I went through the same thing at old Jason Nash Inc.

So here are some new words. Companion. This is my companion.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Can I—

what is the word that you're trying?

This is my deputy, which is pretty good. I'll be a little confused because people would think she's a police officer.

What is the word that you're getting synonyms for right now?

What did you just say? Assistant.

I don't want to be an assistant anymore. No more synonym assistants.

So the whole point is— it's a different fucking— my companion.

This is— how about this? This is my representative. No, that's Jack. Well, what do you want to be? What do you want to be? What do you want to be called?

You're the president.

She's the vice president.

She's the vice president.

She is not the vice president of David Dobrik LLC. 100%.

What do you think I am? The assistant?

No. What is she, Jay?

What should I— uh, this is my— this is my badass bitch, Natalie. Thank you.

What?

So obviously badass bitch. Badass bitch.

Badass bitch.

Is that good?

Like, you are— you're pretty badass. You gotta get the work done.

That'll make pretty badass. You are a bitch.

And it's a badass bitch. I'm not sure that's what I'm going for. Producer.

Natalie?

Well, we already changed our LinkedIn.

You guys changed your LinkedIn bios?

I logged on to LinkedIn right after we had this conversation. We're like, fuck this, we're changing.

What did you change yours to? What are you? Hang on.

Natalie's vice president.

Yeah, I think I'm—

Natalie, you're vice president? Are you fucking kidding me?

That's exactly what I said.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Natalie, I think, is vice president. You're—

how?

How did you make that?

I asked you and you didn't respond to me, so I just took it upon myself to figure it out. Yeah.

Fuck, I really should respond. You're executive producer.

I didn't even think I was allowed to put it on LinkedIn, but I am.

Taylor's like, can I say assistant?

I'm still in college on my LinkedIn.

Taylor's LinkedIn is still college.

My family thinks I work at Barnes Noble.

Taylor, you just got to take matters into your own hands.

Taylor, what do you want to be called?

Well, at this point, babysitter.

Okay, babysitter it is.

I want to be an assistant, but they can change theirs. But can I at least put assistant?

Yeah, you could put assistant.

I even made a LinkedIn page for David Dobrik LLC because it didn't exist.

Wow, that's really nice. I'm actually Chief Operating Officer on LinkedIn of David Dobrik LLC.

Whoa.

Jesus Christ. You really bumped yourself there to the CEO. Yeah.

Who else is the CEO? Ilya.

Fuck off. Fuck off.

Ilya, walk out right now.

Ilya's in some trouble now.

Well, Ilya is it.

How are you saying?

Isn't the CEO the cool?

And what does COO stand for? Cool.

It looks pretty cool. Ilya is the most CEO of everybody.

He's the coolest.

What is his title? What? Ilya's title? Yeah, his title is friend. Best friend. But that also carries over to CEO. Okay.

And what's your title? What does Ilya do for you exactly that you think that he does more?

He keeps my spirits high. When you guys break me down, he builds me up.

Hey, I didn't want to have this conversation. David was like, save it for the podcast. I want to talk about the podcast. I want to have a serious conversation about it. I'm ready. I'm having it right now.

You're saying COO is a coup?

That's as serious as it gets.

What would Natalie be?

What would Natalie be in your mindset? Chief of staff. That's a good one. You don't even know what that is. Yeah, you're the head of everybody else.

You're that.

Yeah, it's like executive assistant, but it's a different word for executive assistant.

Try it out. Try it out. Introduce her.

Hey guys, why, why are you so scared to call me like president of your company? I literally do literally every aspect of your business. I manage more than any other person.

It doesn't make any sense.

Jay, what do you think? I don't know.

Why are you so scared?

I mean, I guess you want to be the chief operating staff.

Well, I know you're going to— what?

I'm just combining words. So you'd like to be the president of staff? Natalie? Yes.

Congratulations.

Yes.

You're fired.

I knew that was coming.

Okay, now you could be CEO. Is that what you wanted to be? I already forgot. CEO.

I don't know.

Ilya's nothing.

Ilya has nothing to do with this. Yeah. And then Ella, what are you?

Well, I put executive producer on my LinkedIn.

That's pretty good.

Dave, this is not how it works, man. People don't just fucking go willy-nilly on their LinkedIn bro over at Google.

That's not how it works.

I put executive producer, I'm like, oh, that sounds cool, Ella. Congrats on the job. Thank you.

Wait, COO is a big change in pay too.

That's what I'm saying. You think?

Now I got this dude fucking Ella's bio on her LinkedIn. First of all, Natalie's bio— what's my bio? I'm on the LinkedIn. Natalie's bio is everything and anything David Dobrik, which is fine. And then Ella's is me and Natalie run this shit, David Dobrik LLC. That's the fucking bio.

I did that as a joke.

It's still there. Yeah, it's still there. Me and Natalie run this shit at David Dobrik LLC. And Taylor just— Taylor just said invitation pending.

That's what it says. I'm just finding out about this. Wait, wait, wait. I did that the other day because you were going to Insta story and then I didn't change it.

That's so funny.

I'll delete that part. My bad. But can I keep the executive producer?

Yeah, that's fine. You guys can keep your new names. Ella, you're officially executive producer assistant.

Natalie, you are— I mean, I get a real promotion.

Yeah, you know, I like a person that hustles. How would you like to be COO, Taylor? Just seeing how fast you got promoted to executive assistant, we need, we need someone, we need someone like—

I'd love to be cool.

We need someone at cool. Would you like to be cool? Pretty cool.

My mom actually texted me after she saw your Instagram story and she goes, I saw DeeDee Instagram laughing faces. Natalie could be CIO, Chief Inspirational Officer, or IM, Inspiration Manager.

Oh, that's pretty good.

Am I inspirational? I can't wait till Ilya gets home.

I think because my mom thinks— she doesn't really know what I do, and she thinks it's like— she's like, so do you guys like come up with the ideas and like, you know, inspire David to do stuff?

Inspire David to do stuff.

The other day we were, uh, we were sitting at a restaurant and David gets a text message and I peek over to the name and The name is like, it's like somebody's name. It's like, let's use Susie. And then parentheses, it says lives next to the strip club. I was like, yeah, it's a random thing. Like, how the fuck would you know where the strip club is?

Well, because that was, that was because it was a girl I met and she was explaining where she was and she's like, I live by a strip club. So it was like a joke as I was putting it in. I was like, oh, she lives by a strip club. But that is a funny thing to look over the shoulder.

I got something. I actually have a couple of trivia questions for you guys to see who's smart. Ah, perfect.

Natalie, you're maybe going to want to sit this one out.

No, I'm going to kick your ass.

Let me and Illya, the smartest guys in the room, do this together.

If Trey is facing north and turns 90 degrees to his right, what direction is he now facing? South, east, or west?

That's easy.

So easy. This one's an actual easy one.

Don't fuck this up. If Trace is facing north and turns right 90 degrees to his right, what direction is he now facing?

So no, 90 degrees, that's 180. Are you fucking crazy? Ella, get out of here.

I thought it was east, but then everyone pressured me. It sounds like it's wrong. Oh my God, wait, 180 is— fuck.

Oh, well, if he turns 90 degrees, he's back to where he started.

It's north, right, Jay? Please.

Okay, next.

Go to school. That's my favorite part, is when someone gets a question wrong.

Yeah, just fucking shit on them.

Yeah, even if you really didn't know the answer, just fucking destroy them.

I haven't known any of these. Ilya, Mexico is bordered on the south by Belize and what other Central American country? Mexico is bordered on the south by Belize and what other Central American— I know, I know the answer. Honduras.

Guatemala or Nicaragua? Uh, Honduras, Nicaragua, or Guatemala.

He actually said Honduras as an answer but then decided to list the rest so it didn't sound like an answer.

Honduras, Nicaragua, or Belize? He was testing the waters to see if Jason would react. So Honduras, Nicaragua, and what was the other option?

Honduras is right! Honduras!

Honduras!

Could you imagine? You're on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? What is— 100. That's funny.

Guatemala.

Correct.

Oh, that's really good. Wow. Yeah. I have something I want to talk about. Okay. My parents are moving to California. Oh, yeah. And not only are they moving to California, but they're moving to California really soon. And like in the next month or two, which means I'm not going to have Christmas anymore at my home that I grew up in. Which is crazy fucking insane. It's rough.

Not this month.

Like, wait, what? They're ready. They're ready to move within the next couple of weeks.

They have a place.

They already bought. They bought a place. It's over.

Wait, when?

Like 2 weeks ago. My dad closed the deal. My Christmases are going to be spent here in the fucking heat.

And like, I'm not worried about your Christmas. I'm worried about the fact that now we're not going to go home as much because it's like, well, I guess the boys are there, but like, that was so nice is that we would go home and I could go home with you and I could be in my own home at the same time.

Okay, so this is about yourself. No, but like, you do understand, like, like, it sucks. Like, imagine having Christmases in like a cold place, and now I'm gonna have it in California. Like, that just feels so weird. I'm gonna drive 45 minutes for my Christmas. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna drive 45 minutes, and when I'm done with my awkward family dinner, I'm gonna drive 45 minutes back to Los Angeles where no one is left because everyone went home for the holidays. That's going to be fucking brutal.

That is so sad.

It's so sad. And I can't explain that to my parents. So maybe if they hear it on this podcast, I'll get through to them.

Yeah, but then you get to see them throughout the year and you don't have to fly.

That's a double whammy. That's a two-in-one problem.

Oh, that for a second. You're just saying that to be funny. No. What part? You'll get into your parents soon. You will.

You'll start to get inside my parents. Yeah. No. And not only that, But they're leaving, and my sister, she's gonna start her senior year next year. Oh, they're cutting her out, and they're good now. She's gonna go to a different school. And like, you know me, I'm the biggest fan of high school. So like, senior year is the most— was the most important year of my life. Was the best year of my life, and they're gonna take that away from her.

I think that— I think she like wants to leave.

I think she hates— no, I just talked to her on the phone.

She didn't say much.

I talked to her on the phone and I was like like— and I was like, I, I was like, I was like, so hey, I— our parents are moving. Like, and she's like, I hate— only time you talk to her, she's like, she's like, I hate it. I'm like, I know you do. And I'm like— and I told her, I was like, this is the moment you, you know, this is the moment you rebel. I literally— I use those words. I was like, this is the moment. Like, like, you know, like, oh my God, like, so fucked up.

You're literally splitting your family.

I was like, I was like, you know, like in those Disney movies when like the family wants to move away and like the kids will go through this whole thing just to show their parents how much it means to to stay at this place. This is that time for you. And I was like, you have to show them. And she's like, no, no, no, they only listen to you. And I'm like, fuck no, they don't listen to me. You have this completely wrong.

You want her to chain herself to the radiator?

That's what I said. I said chain yourself to the radiator.

She's gonna be so much happier here. You think?

Yeah.

Oh, okay, then we're good. I mean, guys, I know you like Vernon Hills, but come on.

But Jay, this is a fucking place. Jay, I would never raise my fucking kids here.

LA, they're moving to a different town.

I know, but I'd never raise my kids here, bro.

It's fucking killer. You go to the beach, it's fucking 70 degrees every day, bro.

But everyone's kids here are spoiled. They're not moving to LA. Your son has 14 iPads. Like, I don't want my siblings— I don't want— I don't want my kids having that. I don't want—

but they're not moving to LA.

I understand that, but there's something about California that like— and like, and like the way that your parents are drill sergeants.

I don't think so. Nothing—

I don't think so. I think the moving to California is them letting the drill sergeant vibe go, and now they're like, we are out in Malibu enjoying the sun. Like, I think it's like a new vibe to them.

Christina, Paula, I'm not saying you're a drill sergeant. That was just a turn of It's actually in America. That's a nice thing to say to call somebody.

I don't know. I'm kind of worried. I wouldn't be.

Yeah, I'm definitely on your page. I think that we should booby trap their house. Thank you.

Like, really scare them out. Booby trap it? Like, have tits everywhere? Like, when they come here, there's just women, just tits all over the wall.

Tits everywhere.

You should move to California. There's tits everywhere. You've been booby trapped.

My God, so many boobs. What is going on?

How are you not like more about how crazy this is?

Natalie, you want to—

you out of all people should be—

should we go burn the fucking new house down or what?

Natalie, I'm— but you do think this is crazy, like spending Christmas here?

Yeah, it is crazy. It is very, very crazy.

It's like insane. It's going to be really weird, especially like you're like all about, I love seasons. Like, you should know how much this is.

Well, I love a cold Christmas, but aside from the fact that there won't be snow and the weather's different, it's just like everybody is home on Christmas. Yeah, that's the point.

In Chicago, and you really don't like change, do you?

Well, obviously I hate change, and now I'm going to be— and now I'm gonna be a stranger in my parents' new house. Every time I come, I will be a guest rather than a place that I grew up in, and that's fucking crazy.

It is like sad, like when you go home for Christmas and the holidays, like you go to your childhood home.

If I'm at my house, yeah, like I feel a level of comfort no matter what.

So you're happy when you're there?

Yeah, and that's gonna be gone now. Like, that's completely gone now. I'm going to visit my parents in a place, it's like they're at an Airbnb. Like, I'm never gonna be connected to that place 'cause the most I'm gonna spend there is a night, especially 'cause I'm right down the street and I can just drive back to my own house.

Why don't you wanna like have like a new experience? Like, it'd be so nice to like, maybe you can like improve your relationships with them. Maybe you can take up biking with your dad and bike up PCH.

Oh my God, I'm gonna burn this house down.

No, but I don't understand.

Like, I feel like— I'm surprised you don't understand.

I do, I understand where you're coming from. Like, I understand like, you're, you're longing for that. And like, yeah, it's— your childhood home is going away, but it's also like, that's also like good. Like, you've moved on, you have a whole new life. Yes, you do. You have a whole new life. Now it's time for your parents to be able to have a whole new life. They raised you, they got you here, right?

That's, that, that's the— that's where I'm being unfair, is like, I'm not being fair to my parents at all. And like, my parents totally do deserve to go to a new house because they're tired of Vernal Hills. But like, I'm just like, fuck, that sucks. I understand where you're you're coming. I'm like, can we at least spend one last Christmas there? Yeah, I've never been this excited to spend Christmas with my family.

No, no, you're not.

No, this Christmas— this Christmas is already gonna be—

we have a little lesson here, Dave.

What's the lesson?

Is to appreciate what you have before it's gone. That's true. Someone like Taylor, someone like Ilya, and someone like Ella.

What about that? Not Natalie. You're saying I should appreciate these people?

Yeah, well, now, now, all those times I've been there with you during the holidays, all those times you were there like running, like, Mom, I can't fucking talk, I gotta go watch John, I gotta go fucking hit Diva with a car.

Yeah, I gotta go vlog.

Yeah, I gotta go vlog. Yeah, yeah. So now all those times, you know, now when you go to their new house, you know, make new memories. Sounds fucking miserable. Yeah, it is.

Alex, our friend from our hometown, calls me today on FaceTime and he's like, dude, I just like really wanted to say that like, it's all like, I'm so happy that you and Dave are rich and like, thanks for being rich.

I was like, I was like, what?

That's so funny. He's like, it's like, yeah, it's like, like this past week I visited you guys and like, I don't know, it's like really drove me to like be better.

And I was like, oh, that's fucking— yeah. Before he left, he like hugged me and he goes, I'm proud of you.

And I go, whoa. Al does that, and like, that's what I really like about him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, he like, he gets it, you know?

And he doesn't say— and he doesn't follow it up with a joke. He doesn't go like, yeah, you people, you're a pussy though. He literally, he just goes, I'm proud of you, this is really sick. And then, and he leaves it at that, which I think is— I don't even do that. Like, if I compliment Jason, like, I'll follow it up with something to make fun of him. Yeah, I was like that. But yeah, that was really cool.

I think that's— it's important you have the people around you that inspire you. 100%. If your friends, like, inspire you guys.

Inspire me too, for sure. You inspire me too, fucking pussy. Taylor inspires me. Right, right. Me too.

She always has a great attitude. She's shipper. Yeah, she's, she's always like, whenever I see Taylor, I'm like, you know what? Don't be such a fucking depressed asshole. I am so depressed all the time. And then I come in here and I'm like, well, Taylor's in a good mood.

Yeah, you are. You are depressed. You know what it is? What is it? You said this the other day and you said it the best. Like you had a realization where you were like, you're always like looking to do that next thing. Yeah. And you're going to be on your deathbed soon and you're going to go, holy fuck, what was I working till I was already there? Like you're not enjoying the ride.

No, no, not at all.

No, you're not.

I am miserable. Yeah.

Yeah. You need to, you need to relax.

I also feel like I'm going to drop dead.

And you know what it is? I've said this before and I, and I really live by it. Is that you're going to drop dead. Oh, so you agree with me? Yeah, and you have to accept that. And I feel like once you accept that, everything will be so much easier. Okay, wonderful.

I accept it. You know what, Dave? This is— I'm living in the moment right now.

Just so you know, I want to make you feel comfortable. When you die, I'm going to take care of your kid. I'm going to take care of him. Kid? I have two. I know. Which one? I haven't decided which one I like more, but I'm leaning towards Charlie. All right, guys. Well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. It's always a thrill here to sit with my friends, especially Jason, who's one of my closest. Wow.

Yeah.

Thank you so much. I'm just reading the script, Jay. We'll see you guys later. This has been A View's Podcast. My name is Jeff. Bye.