Girl With Two Fingers in Her Butt

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, brought to you by Spotify. What's up guys, this is the Views podcast, the podcast where Jason and I play with our penises.

Oh boy, I was waiting for this episode. Here we go.

We gotta do it because I said it. Whatever I say, it kind of rolls off the tongue.

It's true, it is in the Views contract.

Whatever I say, mine's out. Whatever I say. Yes, it is. It is out. Holy shit.

So.

Okay, well, here goes. Here goes mine. That was me putting it on the table. Okay. If you're just joining us—

I couldn't even look you in the eye during that imaginary bit.

If you're just joining us, it's not that gross during the actual podcast. We just like to scare away the children during the beginning just so we have the real raunchy people stay for the middle of the podcast.

Oh yeah, David. I love when David gets real. That's, that's the— that's your number one fan.

Okay, all right, roll the intro music. All right, what's up guys? Welcome back to the podcast. Yeah man, shut the fuck up. Welcome back to our podcast. Jason's 45, I'm 22, and I'm not 20 also, but I'm 22. Like, I'm 22. One year.

Yeah, that could be confusing for some of the parents listening. Is he 20 or is he 22? Shut up, Mom. I'm trying to fucking listen to this.

That could be really confusing.

Yeah.

And it's weird because we've done a lot of podcasts and it bums me out that we're just now clearing that up. I am actually 22. In one year I will be 23. That's what I mean.

Say you're 22 first and then say I'm 47.

Okay.

I'd be lying to you.

Guys, this is actually the latest we've ever done the podcast.

Or the earliest.

Or the earliest, depending on how you look at it. I just uploaded my vlog. It's Thursday morning. It's actually 8:50 in the morning and I uploaded my vlog about 20 minutes ago. So I stayed up all night editing this vlog. It's daylight out. Yeah, I feel like a crackhead.

I see. I don't mind the early— I know you hate the early morning podcast.

You like them.

Well, I'm getting up now. Now I feel good. I have my coffee. It's like I have a little crack with it.

You have a cup of coffee in your hand and you look like you're at a PTA meeting. Like, I feel like we're about to address some school issues. What's bothering you?

Well, some of the graffiti that was written on the side of my car was very hurtful and— how do you say it— triggering. It was triggering to me.

What did they— what did the kids write on the side of your car?

They told me that, uh, my mustache, uh, looked like, um, you know It was very bushy.

Okay.

Told me I was going to say something else.

Holy shit. They fucking— they graffitied all— they graffitied that on your car. I can't even speak because it's so fucking early. Fuck this. Fuck this. But you know why I do it? Why do you do it?

I don't know. You don't necessarily. You do like doing it.

I do like doing it.

It is hard to do the podcast.

You know why I like doing the podcast is because it feels like homework. So it's like— I know it's kind of fucked up, but it's like, it's kind of just like, it's nice when you're done with it. Like, it feels good. Like, I achieved this. Yeah.

Okay.

I don't know how to explain it.

Everything with you goes back to high school.

Yeah.

Every single thing.

Yeah. It's weird.

Very interesting.

I really do miss high school.

And it's also because you missed college.

Yeah. No, I was at college for, like, a half a semester.

Don't call it— don't keep saying that you went to college. It sounds like you and Illya went in and looked at a pamphlet and left.

We did. We did. We applied too late to one of the schools, and then we went to go talk to the dean of the school.

Yeah.

And we were like, we want to come back. And we were like, you should really have us here because we're like, we're going to start a business. That's what we said. And the dean was like, I'm sorry, we're not accepting any more students at this time. And we were like, yeah, but like, you just got to— you're making a mistake. That's what he said.

And I guess you're right in a way. You both turned out to be successful guys at a young age. Ilya runs a plumbing company. Yeah, which is very successful.

But, but that's— but they didn't make a mistake.

Fucking throw it in that dean's face, like, right now.

Fuck the podcast.

Yeah, let's go over there. No, we'll record on the way.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

And then what should I say when I see her? Say, what's up, bitch?

You fucked up. I'm sorry, who are you? You fucked up. Tell him, Jason.

Jason.

Hi. I— this was like an— it's just an idea we had and it's actually gone too far. Why are you standing with microphones and a laptop? That's a long story. You fucked up.

You fucked up though. Could have had me. Yeah, so that— so yeah, so if the dean at ISU is listening to this, you fucked up. Well, honestly, she didn't fuck up. It was actually very nice that she didn't take me, because if I did end up going to college, right, then it would have been a problem. Then I wouldn't have gotten, you know, you wouldn't have gotten so far. Yeah, I wouldn't have done YouTube and stuff.

Do me a favor, never let me drink boba again.

Yeah, we went to a tapioca place. Jason's really weird when he eats shit. Like, he like loves it and he'll like indulge in it and he'll like, like, he'll like— yesterday we had hot dogs hot dogs, right? And he goes, he goes, oh my God. After the first— after the first— like, if Jason has fast food, the first bite of it is always like he's never had food in his life. So he'll have like a fucking plain cheeseburger from McDonald's and he'll be like, holy fuck, I forgot what these taste like. As if he's been in like a fucking coma for like 13 years. And that's— and then, and then like whatever, like The taste of the food goes away and then it like starts hitting his stomach and then he turns into a completely different person. He goes, why the fuck did I do that? Why did I do that? Like, like he committed a crime. He goes through these stages of eating food and it's really scary and like not fun to be around.

Oh, come on.

Yeah, it's like he's not the best dinner pal.

The tapioca is so good going down. Yeah. Boba.

And he uses weird words to describe it. He goes, he goes, I mean, not weird words, but it's just a weird way to talk about tapioca. He goes, it was great going down, but now it's sitting in my stomach expanding. And I can't even imagine the tapioca balls expanding to an uncomfortable size.

Well, imagine it. They're like—

I don't know. I think you're very dramatic when it comes to food. You need to take a step back.

Here's what I'll say. Yeah, here's what I'll say. I had the hot dog yesterday. No regrets. No, the hot dog was so good. It was a Chicago dog, and you guys put a pickle right on top of the dog.

Yeah, we don't—

they don't do that in Boston.

No, we don't.

For New York.

How was your Christmas?

Oh, it was so good.

What'd you— oh, I heard you got your, um, your dad— you, you got your dad a gift?

Got my dad an iPad. We were out trying to find him something, and, uh, my mom said get him an iPad. I said, oh, that's a great idea, everybody loves iPads.

Yeah.

And he opened it, he just He was so confused. He was just like, what? What's this?

Yeah.

And I was like, it's an iPad.

How old's your— how's your dad?

He's not that old. He's like 75. Okay. But he's like a young 75. You met him?

Yeah, he is. He's young.

He just doesn't— I don't think he cares.

He had no idea what to do with it.

No. And he knows what to do with it, but he's just like— it's like I said to him, uh, I said, oh, um, download this. Like, I wanted him to like download an app to watch a show, like a Showtime show. He's like, I don't want to download an app. And I'm like, why not? Like, why don't you just—

What did he end up doing with the iPad?

He threw it out. Put it in the trash as he left.

He cut pieces of salami on it. He uses it as a cutting board.

Yeah.

That does sound like an old guy thing to do.

He used it to take the snow off the windshield.

Your mom sent me a text message 2 days ago for Christmas.

Yeah, she was all excited.

I feel really bad.

She woke up Christmas morning, she was like, and we gotta, you know, she had a list of stuff to do, and we gotta send that video to David. And I go, well, what video? What do you mean? She goes, oh, we gotta wish David a Merry Christmas on video. And I was like, okay. And so she got her makeup on. Oh, this is literally just to go to your phone, not to be published like on the internet or anything. And she was like— and she was trying to get everybody together. And I was like, here, we'll just do it really quick. And then she's like, got on a tripod.

She put the phone on a tripod.

She was trying to do like a camera tripod, a phone tripod.

Oh, get the fuck out.

And I was like, here, just give it to me, I'll do it. I'll selfie it.

Yeah.

And then I sent it to you. And, um, then David— David didn't even watch it.

I didn't watch it. I opened it and I saw that it was a minute and 9 seconds, which is a really long video. And I was like doing something, so I'm like, you know what, I won't watch— I won't watch it now, but I'll watch it later, right? And then I was— and then I was showing Jason. I'm like, I was— I was basically— I— we were talking about this in the car yesterday with Jason, and I'm like, Jason, look. So I pulled it up on my phone and I opened it. See, it says it's a minute and 9 seconds. And then I never watched it. And then as I'm showing him again, Again, I didn't watch it. Again, I was just like, I'll watch it later.

Because you got like some directions on Waze or something. I get that.

It was just too long.

You know what? You're right. A minute's too long. But in my mind, I thought you'd be sitting here doing nothing.

Yeah.

Which was wrong.

Yeah. No, I've been—

I thought you'd be kicking back.

I fucking hate the holidays, bro. It has been—

I know.

It has been hell on earth for me. I think I have the worst job when it comes to the holidays. I must. I must. I must have the worst job.

Military.

Or the— okay, yeah, you're right.

Military, then you. Yeah, let's put the military first. That kind of sucks. Bombing villages on Christmas morning is a little tougher.

Okay, okay, okay. But then, then can I be second?

You are definitely second. Navy SEALs, YouTubers.

Navy— okay, you know, I was being really dramatic. No, no, no, let me take a couple steps back.

I'm with you, dog.

I replayed how dramatic I I was in my head and it was fucking way too aggressive. No, I don't have a hard job, but like it is very difficult to—

Well, explain yourself.

No, no, no, no.

You have to post and I had it too. I went to Boston and I—

You know what my New Year's resolution is?

Don't complain.

Yeah, not complain. What are your New Year's resolutions?

Me?

Yeah.

I'm gonna get in shape.

Come on, give me an actual one.

Come on. What's up with this mini shopping cart?

Don't just change the subject.

I want to get in shape.

I know you want to. That your New Year's resolution is, I want to get in shape.

It's enough.

It's just the want.

Well, what do you think it should be for you? Stay alive.

Maybe to shower more.

I was going to shower today. I know I probably should.

No. Yeah.

You know, that skunk we had yesterday smelled a lot better than me, I'll tell you that much.

Yeah, we had a skunk. And Jason, I've never seen Jason stick around so long because I think he finally felt comfortable knowing that there was someone in the car that smelled worse than him. No, you've actually never hung out with me that late. Yeah, I think it was the skunk.

It made me very comfortable. I felt at home. Well, what should my New Year's resolution be?

Well, look, can you hold that?

Why don't you help me with my life? You're so—

hold that thought.

No, no, no, no, fuck off. Oh yeah, we gotta do this.

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Um, I'm thinking about hiring somebody.

Yes, I know. I heard it before we go about anyway. I want to, I want to talk about this. Um, I feel like I've already talked about it on the podcast, but I don't know why I'm thinking about it. It's cuz we're sitting so close to my old, um, elementary school. Um, did I ever tell you when we were in elementary— when I was in elementary school, our bathrooms were in our classrooms?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, Charlie had that.

That's fucking weird. Your daughter has that?

Well, when they were really little, they used to all go in and pee together and the door would be open, which was weird.

No, no, I had like a fourth grade class and the toilet was in the room.

Okay, so you could just go in there and do your business.

You didn't have to ask. Okay, you would just go, but it was in the room, so people would hear you peeing.

Oh, nice. Oh, people would hear you peeing?

Yeah, really? That's weird. And like, people would have to take poops, and like, I guess I was a kid, so I never really like thought about it because you would, you know, you're just a kid, right? You're in 4th grade. But like, that's crazy. Like, people would take poops right in the classroom and you would hear it? Yeah, it was, it was just one toilet in a room. Yeah, so you'd poop and then you'd, and then you'd leave and you'd wash your hands in the classroom like itself. Oh wow. Yeah, so it was literally one toilet in one one room. What a weird setup.

And do people ever like make fun of like, nice shit, David?

100%.

Oh really? In fourth grade?

No, it wasn't the shit. It was, um, there's this girl that would always go, um, to— I, I've said this on the podcast before, I think.

I don't remember it. No, but I mean, I'm, I'm getting senile, so—

Yeah, you're not even making eye contact with me right now. You're staring at, you're staring at the opposite wall.

Um, some new contacts.

There's this girl I had a crush on in elementary school. And fuck, I hope I haven't said this because it's one of my favorite stories. And I remember her name. I remember how she looked like because I had such a big crush on her. She used to go to my church and then she was in my classroom. So this is a big deal for me. I'm like, oh my God, the girl in my church is now in my classroom. And one day I look over at her and she takes two of her fingers and she puts them in her butt. In her butt. She puts them in her butt and she smells her fingers. And she makes like a gross, like, face, like, oh, like she smelled something bad. And then she goes to the bathroom.

And then David was like, and I am your sexy.

No, isn't that fucking crazy? It's like a really funny thing to watch.

And she was like kind of attractive.

Yeah. Oh, she is. She's gorgeous. I mean, for a 4th grader at the time when I was—

so you watch someone attractive, like, stick their fingers in their butt and still be attractive?

I've never seen anybody do that.

I've seen like a hot girl do something really gross and you're like, that's cool.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

I'm so—

she does stuff all the time.

I'm so weird about like gross stuff like that. I don't know. And it was—

you're saying, you're saying, you know, you know why a girl— a girl— a girl— sorry, a girl puts a finger in her butt and then you don't want to be with her anymore? Is that what you're saying, David?

This isn't a girl thing. This is just me being like a weirdo. Like, if it was like— if I was a girl and I was into guys, I wouldn't want a guy to do something gross.

That's not the question. You're not a girl, you're a guy.

Okay, okay, okay. If, if, if— yes, okay. If let's say today, yeah, today in today's age, yeah, I'm sitting across from a girl that I really find like really attractive.

Yeah.

I want to go on a date with her. I will be honest. If she sticks her fingers in her butt and smells it and makes a weird face and goes to the bathroom, I'm going to pass.

You're out.

Yeah. Oh, are you not? Are you more in?

Yeah. It's almost like it makes her more human.

I don't know. I don't know about that. I think it's a little—

Now I'm questioning myself. I guess there's something wrong with me.

I think you just like that skunk a lot. Whatever resembles that. No, but what was so interesting about the situation is like, it was— everyone was, everyone was minding their own business because it was like, it was like one of those like working periods. So like everyone was working on their own stuff.

Yeah.

And, um, and I was just like, you know, looking around the room and then I caught her and everyone's like doing their own thing and just me making eye contact with this girl who's putting her fingers in her butt and then smelling it. I don't know, just a very like—

she see you? See? No, she didn't see you.

She didn't see me. No.

Did you ever bring it up with her?

No, I never talked to her after that. I literally never—

no, I never tell everybody.

Did I tell everybody? Well, now I am. I'm telling everybody right now. This is my first time telling everyone. What are your New Year's resolutions?

Um, I— did you ever pass any notes in class? Is that one of your things?

What do you mean?

You ever pass a note?

Did you?

Oh yeah, we used to pass notes all the time. Made me think of that.

What did you pass notes? What did your notes say?

They just said like, uh, you know, so-and-so likes you.

Get the fuck out.

Yeah, actually. Yeah.

You'd have notes like that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You never get caught passing notes? That was like a big thing. No, you never pass notes? No, you guys probably just text each other.

We just texted, or like, yeah, or like we just whisper. Yeah, let's talk after class.

You never got like a note from the back and it was passed all the way to the front? No, you never had that, like a row of 8 desks?

No, I've seen that in movies though.

Oh yeah, maybe it didn't happen.

Maybe you saw it in movies. No, we used to do, um, because we used to have computers a lot So we all used to just message each other on computers and like share, like share photo booths and stuff on computers.

Yeah, like we had it all.

Yeah, we did have it all. We used to have a— do you, did you, you know that experience like when you, when there's a substitute in class and you see the TV rolled in?

Yeah.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Of course. Was that you? Did you have that too?

Yeah, we had the TV rolled in.

Like when the TV's rolled in, you're like, it's go time, because there was only like 4 TVs in the school.

When they play Fast and Furious or something.

Yeah, yeah. So you know when they have the TV, it's like, oh my God, we're not doing anything today. Oh yeah, that was the best.

Oh yeah, when some random stranger shows up. Yeah, like, what the fuck? Who is this? Holy shit, I don't know who this person is and they seem to be in charge.

When it's a substitute teacher, that's the best.

Yeah, snow day is the best.

You'd be a good substitute teacher.

Thank you.

You know, we had a snow day here one day before spring break. That crazy? That's how weird fucking Chicago is. One day before spring break.

Recently, or when you were in school?

When I was in school.

Oh, so you had an extra day off?

Yeah, is that your point? No, the point is that it's spring, like spring break.

Oh, yeah, but that's March, right?

Yeah.

But in Boston, it snows in March. March is one of the worst months.

I know, but it can be. It's just interesting. Yeah, the weather's all over the place. You can just shoot my ideas down. It doesn't matter. It's not like we're on the same team here. Hey, cool podcast topic, Dave. Don't give a fuck. It's like that.

I've gone with everything else.

That's like that in every other fucking state.

I like the story about the girl with her fingers in her butt.

The funniest part is I've probably told that story like 3 times on the podcast, but both of us are fucking idiots.

You know, I kind of remember you telling that story, but I think that's okay to tell that story again because, you know, there's a lot of little nuggets to unwrap.

You know, I get a tweet after every podcast saying, can you stop repeating XYZ story?

Oh really?

Yeah, we always repeat a story every podcast.

Oh man. Well, that's okay. Did I ever tell you I was— I don't know, I'm 45, I have 2 kids.

You know what's nice about it though is it keeps us honest and it's like, oh wow, these stories are real because they can't fucking come up with new ones. You know what I mean?

It's the 2 most boring people in the world that we tune into every week. What are your New Year's Okay, listen, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna hang out with you more. I think I'm gonna like shadow you more, spend more time with you because you're so successful.

You don't have to drag me into this. This is something just—

I like the way— I like what you're doing.

Don't fuck my new year over.

I'm gonna hang out with you and you're gonna guide me a little bit. I'm gonna have you as my, my, my coach, my life coach.

So what is, what is the difference between last year?

I'm just gonna listen to you more, I guess.

Really?

Yeah. So what should I do?

I feel like we've already been doing that.

I don't like that you don't work out, though. I feel like working out should be our thing.

That is fact.

We should get into it together. We should go play tennis together or something.

Yeah.

What's wrong with you?

Well, can I say something? Can I be honest right now?

Okay.

I had a glass of milk. And remember when I was like, I wonder if I'm lactose intolerant?

Yeah.

Yeah, I definitely am.

Okay. I'm gonna take my sweatshirt over my nose.

No, no, it's not like that. But like, my stomach is like fucking talking to me right now. My stomach is bubbling.

Yeah, milk. I guess milk's not good for you.

Since when?

I don't know. They sold us this bill of goods that milk is good for you all your life.

When I was a fucking kid, dude, if you got milk, like, that's it. Like, if my mom got a bunch of Oreos, right? Like, I couldn't eat a lot because they're bad for you because they're unhealthy. But if, like, I got milk with it, if you had them with milk, then it's just like, it's like you're balancing it out.

Yeah.

But now it turns out milk is, like, fucking horrible.

It's so bad for you.

I don't know what it is.

I don't know if—

Do you?

Oh, what's your New Year's resolution?

I'm going to keep being lit. Yeah, keep being lit. Keep making that dough.

You can keep making YouTube videos.

I think so. For a couple more weeks.

Couple more weeks. I don't know how much you have left in you. Really?

Not a lot.

I don't know how you're doing it.

I posted at 8 AM. I surprised myself. Honestly, you know why I do it? Why? Because I just like surprising myself. I do. Yeah. At this point, it's kind of just like a thing for me. Like, I'm doing it for myself. I'm not doing it for anybody anymore. It's just like, can David fucking get through another week?

Right?

No fucking way. No way. But he did it.

When are you going to— Seriously, when are you going to stop?

I don't know. We got to stop. We have a conversation like every fucking podcast.

No, we don't. We haven't had this conversation in a while.

When am I going to stop filming?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I have no idea.

Take a break.

Did your son keep calling? Did your son stop calling you Daddy?

No, he's still doing it, and we asked him.

I had to.

Oh my God. Okay, tell everybody what happened.

Well, I was sitting with Tricia and Wyatt, and when she's around, I find it a good time to, like, talk about things.

Yeah, Tricia's his girlfriend, Wyatt is his son, right?

And I said, you know, David thinks that—

fucking asshole—

you call me daddy a lot, and maybe you should stop calling me Daddy. I mean, I don't mind is what I said. I said, but you know, maybe it's, you know, you're getting older now, don't call me daddy anymore. And he goes, um, he goes, he goes, yeah, I'm just gonna— and this was very unlike him— he just goes, you know what, I'm just gonna keep doing it because David said not to.

Holy shit.

Like that. That's weird.

I'm gonna kick his ass.

Yeah, you should. One of my favorite days was when we were out, it was like me, you, Brandon, and someone else, maybe it was Todd, and you guys were talking to him like an older brother. It was really fun because it was like, it was watching him because you guys, you were like, you were like, "Oh, you want to get some weed?" And Brandon was like, "All right, let's go, let's get some alcohol." Brandon was like, "You like girls? Want to pick up some girls? What kind of girls you like?" You were really like razzing him, you know what I mean?

Oh, I remember you were in the car and you didn't like it at the time.

Yeah, I— no, I did. Oh, maybe I didn't. I don't know. No, that's not true. I liked it. And that was one of my favorite days because it was, you know, it's funny to watch him, like, react, to see how he reacts and stuff because I'm his dad.

So he's going to keep calling you Daddy?

I guess so.

Okay. New deal.

Yeah.

For every day Wyatt calls you Daddy, I'm going to call you Daddy. Just, just, just so we make it equally uncomfortable for everyone.

Oh, my God.

Is that okay, Daddy? Fuck that. Never mind.

Tom Brady's son kisses him on the mouth.

Yeah, but Tom Brady's an athlete. I'd fucking kiss him on the mouth too.

Well, that's something else you're trying to tell us there, David.

You're not, um, you're not too daddy yourself.

Um, no, um, I'm not daddy enough.

No, I mean, I get it, I get it. He can call you daddy all he wants. I'm just being an asshole, really. I don't really care.

It's really great when Trisha's with, uh, Charlie. She tells her all this stuff that I never I never can hear. Yeah, it's like a completely different person. I just sit there and listen. Like the other day, she's like, she's like, well, I want to have 2 children. I want to be married by the age of 22.

Charlie said that?

She's like, I want a boy and a girl at my wedding. And I was like, oh wow, you have all these opinions.

Wow, she's like your wife, I guess. Ready to go.

Whose wife? Yours?

She's my wife? No, she— no, like Charlie's like your wife. Oh, oh, I don't even know why I said that, to be honest. I don't know your fucking wife at all. I don't know why that came out of my mouth.

It's okay.

Wow, she's like your wife?

Yeah.

Is she like your wife? That just sounds like your wife in a lot of ways.

Yeah, yeah. But in a lot of ways she's like me. She's on TikTok.

She's so— yes, desperate. She's on— she's on the TikTok app. Poor girl.

Is that everybody on TikTok?

I'll be honest, I actually—

you like TikTok?

I like TikTok.

TikTok's great.

Yeah, it's really good. You know what I think they're really good at, guys? TikTok is some app like— it's like short videos, and I think they purposely put shitty videos in your feed so like you can like cringe at videos.

Oh really?

Yeah, I think they're really good at that. Like they put videos that are really embarrassing, right? Like people trying too hard in your feed. I think they do it on purpose because it's like my, my TikTok feed is a really good balance of well-done videos or like well lip-synced or like just like well danced or choreographed stuff to like very cringy stuff that like are either like our fuckboys or just like very scary people.

Is your feed the same as my feed?

I'm not sure.

Is everybody's feed the same?

I don't think so.

My Instagram feed is not the same as yours, right?

No, no, no. That's because you follow different people, Jason.

No, I'm saying it's not like aggregated. It's not like— oh yeah, it's not tailored to you.

No, I think the TikTok feed is more like—

feed is all you and Liza. It is so weird.

That's weird. That's—

that is all you and Liza. And I don't go to your— I never see your pictures. I, I don't know what I did. It's literally you and Liza. What is this fucking dude? New videos, new videos, new videos. People going, oh, remember when they went and got cotton candy? And it's like you and Liza like, oh yeah, that was great. It's so bizarre.

Let me indulge in that cotton candy.

People don't like to let go of— like, if Trisha and I ever break up Like, I wonder what that will be like.

I'd be like, thank God. Everyone will be like, fucking finally.

No, I don't think so. I think, I think people will be like— I think people have a hard time letting go of—

sure, public relationships, right? Yeah.

I don't know, or maybe they don't care.

I mean, it's gonna be like 50/50 with you guys because I feel like there's a lot of people rooting for you guys and there's a lot of people that are just like, just fucking end it already, you know what I mean?

I don't think so.

No. Just me?

She has this one hater. Her name is, uh, Harley Jorgensen. No, something like that. And she— all she does, she has like 11 followers, and all she does is just— her Twitter feed is just the most awful stuff about Trisha.

Wow.

It's literally like, once again, she was talking down to Jason and he needs to get out and find someone. He needs to self-respect himself and get himself a decent woman. And it's just her entire Twitter. Is just going after Tricia. It's really funny. Oh, got to see it. Oh, don't we need to do some housekeeping?

Yeah. What does that mean?

Housekeeping? It's like an old radio term.

What does that mean?

Read an ad.

Oh, like keeping up the house.

Like, yeah, like, I don't need to clean your kitchen.

No, I know. I know what you mean by it, though. Like housekeeping. Like, like, fuck, I'm— fuck, I hate that I'm stuck on this because now I want to explain it. But Jason wants me to read an ad, so he said housekeeping.

Yeah.

I'm not trying to be a dick right now. I'm actually trying to explain it.

I know. You're—

it's like, it's like, like we're going to get paid. We're going to get the bread. I'm so tired. Can you— do you hear me?

There's not that much to explain. They get it.

I know.

Some housekeeping.

Yeah. I think I'm fucking crazy. I should stop doing these podcasts at this time. But you know what I shouldn't stop doing at this time? Getting tickets because, um, SeatGeek is so easy and like SeatGeek is the best.

Did you get SeatGeek anything for Christmas?

Could you fucking imagine if I read the ads like, This SeatGeek is so fucking great. Oh my God. Okay, that's, that's enough for this one. Getting tickets online can be far too complicated with hundreds of sites and varying levels of reliability. It's hard to know who to trust. That's why SeatGeek is the way to go, guys. SeatGeek pulls millions of tickets into one place so you can find the best seats in the easiest way possible. SeatGeek is designed to make your ticket buying experience easier than ever by searching multiple ticket sites and grading every ticket based on value. SeatGeek helps you immediately identify the best seats that fit your budget. Plus, every purchase is fully guaranteed, so you can shop for tickets on SeatGeek with confidence. Make SeatGeek your go-to ticket source for everything from sports and concerts to comedy and theater. SeatGeek app is the best. I have it on my phone. I use it all the time. I love it. I work with SeatGeek all the time. They're amazing people that work there, and the whole thing is just— it's a very good system. I dig it.

How many cars have they bought your friends?

I don't know. Well, this year we bought— I purchased a total of 9 cars, bro.

I saw something really funny last night. You dropped me off at the hotel at like—

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I saw something so funny. You dropped me at the hotel last night, and, uh, okay, fine, I went to bed, and then there was a trail of 6 cars behind us of your friends. Yeah, and it was all new cars. Yeah, it was all because I didn't know— we didn't even know we had a tail. I didn't even know they were following us. So everyone said goodbye to me, and it literally was like Reggie in the white Mercedes, "Bye, Jason," drove by me, and then, uh, Dima in the Camry, "Yeah, see you later, Jason," and then John in this like red Mercedes, which doesn't fit his personality at all. He looks like a fucking coke dealer, and he's the most mild-mannered dude.

No, it's so funny. I mean, like, so basically, if you don't watch our videos, we've I bought like 9 cars, I think, this year for friends and like family.

Yeah.

And 5 of the cars are here in Vernon Hills. My dad, one of my friends, and 3 of my other friends. So it's like— and 4 of them are Mercedes. They're like brand new Mercedes. So it's really funny because every time we go out, they're all— you know what it feels like? It feels like Mr. Deeds. Or what is that? What is that? What is that Adam Sandler movie where he buys everyone a red Ferrari?

Oh, I don't know.

He's like—

I checked out on a couple of Sandler films.

Oh, he buys everyone a red Ferrari. Like, like, sure, he's just rich.

I think it is Mr. Deeds.

Yeah, I think it's Mr. Deeds.

It's kind of like that, but it is a really funny concept.

Like, it's, it's— I don't know, it's so fun to see all your friends in nice cars. Isn't it like fun? Like, don't you feel like you're in like a little mafia? Yeah, you do.

You feel like you're— yeah, we used to be criminal.

We used to be called, um, the biker gang because we were always on bikes. We didn't give ourselves— we didn't give ourselves this name. It was people. People would see us and they'd go, oh, the biker gang. And obviously they were talking down to us, but we took it upon ourselves as like making fun of you. Yeah, it was a fucking biker gang. You know, one time we were doing biker gang stuff.

So like, sure, what's biker gang stuff, by the way?

Smoking crack. We were lighting off fireworks. I've never actually told any of my friends this. We were lighting off fireworks and a cop came and just just like got us out of nowhere. I think I was maybe like a freshman in high school.

Yeah.

And a cop walked up to us just out of nowhere, flashlight right into my face, and he goes, what are you— what are you doing? And I go, oh my God, um, nothing. And I pissed myself. I straight up peed myself, like full-on pee down my leg. I'm wearing shorts. Ain't that crazy? Wow. But it was dark, so no one really saw.

Oh my God. And did the cop let you go?

Yeah, he let me go. He just took my fireworks. But there were definitely times where like we were chased.

The cops caught you last night?

The cops? Yeah, cops caught me last night for filming. Um, they're always, they're always so nice here.

They are.

I was here, I was in Vernon Hills for 4 days and I had 2 police encounters.

Oh, you did?

Yeah, I got pulled over.

For what?

Um, I was just going a little bit fast.

Give you a ticket?

No. I didn't have my license on me. I didn't have an ID on me.

Oh, no kidding.

Nothing. No insurance. It wasn't my car.

Oh my God. Yeah, you could be a drug dealer. No one would know. This would be the right place to do it. Yeah. It's like Jason Bateman in Ozarks.

Yeah.

He goes to, like, launder the money and money in the middle of nowhere. Yeah.

We were at some drive-thru. We were at some drive-thru here in Vernon Hills, Illinois. And this guy was like, I just moved here from Mexico. He had, like, an accent.

Yeah.

And we're like, why'd you move? And he's like, to get away from the cartel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like, are you fucking serious?

Could you imagine?

I, I didn't know if he was serious. He was serious, right?

Yeah, he was. And then I was wondering, well, how'd you get in and how'd you get a job? And yeah, how do you get a work visa?

How do you get so far from Mexico?

And why did he choose Vernon Hills?

Well, why wouldn't anyone choose Vernon Hills?

You love it here.

Um, no, but, but yeah, this is so depressing here in the morning. So you know my, you know my friend John? He's Filipino.

Yeah.

And he's like a super shy kid.

Sure.

Um, once we were doing fireworks and they were— John was the only person caught, but he had nothing on him. So all the cops sat him on the curb and 3 cops around him just started fucking screaming at him. Yeah, he was on a call with us, so we heard like the cops yelling at him. They were like, where the fuck are your friends? Like, they're— where the fuck are your friends? Like that. Where are your fucking friends? We're gonna find them. You better tell us now. Where are your friends? Because we were like doing fireworks and stuff. And John obviously shitting bricks, didn't fucking snitch.

Really? Yeah. That's why he got a car.

Most, most importantly, because he didn't know where we were. So that's why he didn't snitch. But if— yeah, if he had my location on, he definitely would have said—

there's a certain kind of cop look here that I've seen. It's the vest and then the two thumbs in the vest.

Yeah.

And it's definitely a Chicago thing that I've seen downtown.

Yeah. Two thumbs in the vest. Yeah. What they do that—

Yeah, that guy last night was big.

Yeah.

Damn.

He was big.

Hey, so what else? Give me some life advice, Dave.

I don't have any life advice.

Come on, tell me what to do. Come on, we're gonna have a good year, right? 2019?

Like, yeah, what do you mean what we should do?

Be brutally honest. Tell me how and what I should change my life.

Give up.

Okay. All right, this has been a views podcast.

No, I mean, let's end the podcast with some positive notes. Okay, what did you learn?

Let's not talk about Jason. Well, yeah, what did I learn this year?

Should I just talk about my year? Yeah, what did you know? What did you— what did you, um, $500,000 in merch sales, 10 million subscribers. What did you talk— uh, what did you learn from this year? What's like one of the biggest things you've learned?

The biggest thing I've learned is that, um, to believe in myself more and that there is no limit as to how high you can go.

That like made me cringe and tear up at the same time because, because it's sweet. But then you're 45 and it's like, fuck, why is he figuring that out now? Well, yeah, you know, David, you know what I learned this year? Try your best.

Well, no, you know, you learn things and then you forget.

Sure.

So I, you know, you forget stuff and then you're like, all right, you gotta— it's like like if I keep working hard, there is no limit to where I can go. Yeah, I mean, there is a limit.

Do you believe— do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Uh, no.

Really?

No, I believe you make your own luck and you like this— whatever you put in is what you get out.

Oh, for sure. Oh, I think everything happens for a reason.

Oh, I used to think that when I was your age. Not anymore. Not after my divorce.

I mean You went through a lot more than a divorce.

Yeah.

Yeah. You don't remember?

I blacked it all out. What else did I learn? I learned, I learned, you know, stick with your relationship. Don't listen to people.

Because I knew with Tricia, when things got really bad with her, I knew with Tricia when the monetization checks came in that who gives a fuck about what other people think? I just made $100 grand.

No, I knew, I knew if I didn't know this, but I thought I'm going to stick I'm going to stick this relationship out.

Sure.

And she's gotten so much better.

Yeah.

And I've gotten so much better. You know, we don't fight as much. We do fight, but more bickering now. We showed up yesterday to Vernon Hills and I felt so bad for David because we were with him for like a minute and we just immediately started fighting about something.

Oh yeah. I should say this. We were— I was— I told Jason that I was going to scare Tricia in her hotel room when they got there. So he called in the front desk and he goes, hey, give David Dobrik an extra key when he comes. And I got there. And they gave me the key and I'm hiding in the hotel room. I hide in the bathroom, like in the shower. I'm waiting for them and they fucking start having sex. Like, as if— Jason, did you forget?

No, I just got so turned on. I just—

that was weird. And I was like, oh my God, he's— I thought you were going to have sex like the entire time and just finish, right? Just to like, just to have that be like the joke. And I was like, please don't do it. Please don't do it. And then, and then she ended up coming to the bathroom fully naked right before she entered the bathroom, like fully naked. She goes, babe, I'm gonna take all my clothes off. And then she walks in the bathroom, and then I scare her, and she's fully naked, and she grabs the shower curtain to cover herself.

Come on, we landed the plane.

It wasn't perfect. Yeah, you're right.

But we did land the plane.

No, I'm very happy for you guys. But guys, it's coming— the annual flood of year-end best-of lists is almost here. But rest easy, here's one best-of list that you don't even have to read. All the best new podcasts of 2018 are on Spotify, from Kot's riveting investigation into the juvenile justice system System, and This Is Love's multi-faced stories of romance to the boundary-breaking women of Unladylike and Bodies.

Multifaceted.

Yeah, I don't— what did I say? Multi-faced.

I did?

Yeah. Listen, I don't know what was on your vocabulary. There's no easier way to keep up with all your favorite shows and discover new ones. Podcasts on Spotify, they're streaming right now. Guys, for the last 2 minutes, we have a special guest. Come here, Alex. It's my hometown friend Alex Newman.

This guy, he looks so great. He just woke up.

Give him a question quick.

Alex, why— what's your favorite thing about David? My favorite thing about David is that he gave me $1,000 3 days ago. Okay, and now I'm gonna go out and murder someone.

I gotta sound good for the podcast, for my fans. Yeah, they just woke up, so that's why they sound raspy.

Yeah, they just woke up. You guys do these fucking podcasts at the weirdest times.

Yeah, it's 9 AM. It's really weird.

I haven't slept yet. We tried 4 times yesterday.

We did. We did. That was— it was bad. Any other questions for Alex?

Quick. Yeah. Like, when you see David, are you like, oh my God, like, how come his life's so fucking awesome and I work at Starbucks? No, because it makes my life awesome too. Okay, good.

Alex was always like— Alex was always weird about that. I told you this, like, when I started Vine and I started getting like a lot of followers. Yeah, I was like, oh yeah, you did tell me that. Yeah.

I was like, used to be— used to be his Vine buddy, used to help him with the Vines, right? Yeah.

Yeah. I was like, Alex, it doesn't bother you that like like, we shoot all these Vines for like my page and like you don't grow anything. I never tag you or anything. And he goes, no, I don't care. Like, I just like, I like watching you grow. It feels like I'm growing. Yeah, well, now that I have like 8,000 followers on Instagram, it's kind of nice. So interesting.

Pretty nice. Your friends here are unbelievable people. I mean, really, all of them. You especially.

Alex, say thank you.

Mike on the couch. Mike on the couch is— yeah, he's a piece of shit. No, Mike is amazing. He always— he drove us around last night.

Okay, no more teasing.

That's it. Dima.

Well, we don't have to talk about Dima. No, but thank you guys for listening to this podcast. Make sure you guys like and subscribe. Tweet me @daviddobrik. Go buy some of our merch. Go, go tweet New Year's resolutions for us, or what we should be doing.

Yeah, yeah, tweet me some New Year's resolutions. Should I stay with Trisha? Should I stay with David? Should I just kill myself? Let me know.

Okay, bye.