Four Girls for Every Guy

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason just said he thinks his whole world is about to fall apart.

Happy Valentine's Day everybody.

Why do you think it's about to fall apart?

Uh, it's just getting me down.

Better question is why do you think it already hasn't fallen apart? How do you think it hasn't?

I've been under the delusion for the last 2 years that things are great. You're right. And now I'm pretty sure it's wearing off. Yeah, people are People are just rough. People are just rough out there. And I can't seem to do anything right. Without saying too much.

Are you talking about me?

Talking about people— no, just people with the last name Dobrik. And not your mom or dad or 3 siblings. That's the only people that I'm worried about that really scare me.

Alright, roll the intro music. Hi guys, it's The Views Podcast. I'm David, that's Jason. He's 22, I'm 45.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, back up there.

I'm 45. He— I, I'm 22, he's 45.

Yep.

Um, there's been a lot of partying this weekend.

Yeah, I know, me too. I've been going at it, it's been non-stop.

You haven't gone out at all.

Yeah, mostly Netflix.

Wait, what was it? Why was it this week?

Oh, it was Grammy weekend and then it was, um, Jason, I didn't invite you to any of my parties. What are you talking about?

No, I did. I invited you. Wait, no, I didn't.

You know, by the way, when you don't invite me to things, I don't care. No, I know, at all, because I don't look at myself that way. I don't—

I never, I never, I never ever feel bad for not inviting you. And I'm not even saying that like to be mean. I'm just like, he doesn't give a fuck.

Because then the nights that you're gone, I'm in my bed and I'm like, oh my god, yum yum yum yum yum yum, so happy.

You know, the fuck are you doing in bed?

Eating.

So, yeah, so there was a Diplo Grammy party that I went to.

Who is Diplo? Does he wear a mask?

He's a DJ.

I know he's a DJ, but does he wear a mask?

That's Marshmello.

So you can see Diplo's face? Yeah. You can? You can see Diplo. Does he make expressions?

Sometimes.

Sometimes he goes, "Ugh." Does Marshmello just go scare people all the time?

Why?

I don't know. If that just popped up in the back of my car, I'd be so scared.

Oh, if the mask popped up?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. You know what's also crazy? Oh, we've talked about this before. Would you be able to— Marshmello can literally perform anywhere. 'Cause he can just have his friends put on a mask and play his track. Like, he doesn't, if he calls, he has no reason to call in sick. Marshmello could just put the helmet on and be like, can my manager just go? Can my assistant go? If I was Marshmello, I would make Natalie, my assistant, play all my shows.

Marshmello, your hands are so soft.

Yeah, have you ever thought about that? Marshmello, your breasts are so big. Oh wait, that just made it sound like I was saying Natalie's boobs are big. I was just saying that he's not— okay, fuck it. Yeah, go.

Would you ever— now, do you wish that kind of anonymity where you could just wear a mask as a YouTuber? Would that ever work?

No, that sounds so fucking frustrating.

You love it.

Yeah, if I had to be— and like, a lot of my— a lot of the reason that the videos are fun is because people want to work with me because they recognize me, right?

Right. It's pretty cool when you walk in somewhere and some celebrity kid knows you, and then the celebrity kid's like, oh, I can get my dad, I can get my dad, and then they go, no. Yeah.

I don't know if parents go, fuck no. Anyway, I went to Diplo's party. It was— it's a fucking ginormous house. Okay, it was so tough to get in. I'm in like this weird spot.

Small door?

No, it's a huge gate that was closed. And I'm in this weird spot where like, we're like, I'm a YouTuber, so like people don't just let me like prance into parties. Yeah, but at the door there will be other people that will recognize me and they'll think that I can prance into parties. Yeah, and they'll be like, oh, pull me in, pull me in. And I'll be like, brother, I am in the same fucking fine as you. So like, I'll be standing outside the fucking gate, like, calling the people I know, like, trying to get me in. So it took like fucking 25 minutes to get in this party. It was because— 25 minutes of just standing right outside his gate of people going, no more people, no more people. Oh wow.

And you had a whole crew with you?

Yeah, I had like 10 people with me. So it's kind of— 10? Yeah, it was a lot.

And was everybody— is everybody like waiting on you? Did you feel a lot of pressure?

No, I think we were all equally trying to figure out who to call.

And then what happened when you went inside?

Um, it was huge. It was a huge party. Um, I saw— oh, the Most exciting part was I saw Lil Dicky, and Lil Dicky was having a conversation with Katy Perry and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Whoa.

How cool is that? That's like all edges of the world just communicating.

What were they talking about?

I couldn't get close enough.

Is the music really loud at these parties?

So loud.

Yeah, then that's why I can't go either, 'cause I can't hear people.

You can't hear a single thing.

What is that?

And then halfway through the party, Halfway through the party, a bunch of people just walked in with pizzas and they would just place them all over the party.

Oh.

Like they were like little care packages. Oh. Huge pizzas just like dropped off everywhere.

What is the concept behind having a party and then blasting the music so no one can hear each other?

Well, it's dancing. It's alcohol.

No one's dancing!

Yeah, they are.

Most people are not.

At a Diplo party they are, 'cause it's like a whole DJ set.

Were you dancing?

Yeah, no, no. But what was interesting about the house is they also had like a little section that was just— it was just like, it was snacks. It was like brownies, chocolate fondue, strawberries.

That I would have liked.

Yeah, it was delicious. And it wasn't fucking labeled, but all of it— I mean, it was labeled, but with very small letters. All of it was laced with THC. All of it was marijuana.

No.

And it was labeled very small where my friend took a bunch of brownies and he had to go home because he got so high he totally forgot, or he didn't see.

They did that?

Yeah, they didn't do it like, it was labeled, but if you're drunk, you totally miss the labels.

Sure.

Because you see this huge stack of brownies and you see chocolate fondue and strawberries, and once you dip the strawberry into the chocolate, you're high.

Oh my God.

So it wasn't their fault, but it was just funny that like, people were totally missing it, 'cause it was so crowded, and all you would see is like a sliver of brownie and you'd grab it, and then you were fucked up. So literally every person I went with was— they got fucked up by, by their choice.

This would be a bad, bad place for me because I wouldn't be able to hear, I wouldn't be able to see the labels.

You'd be starving.

I'd be starving. I have an outrageous appetite. And then you'd probably have to call an ambulance.

Yeah, it would have been chaos.

Thank God I didn't go to the Diplo party. No, but thank God you don't enjoy spending time with me and didn't invite me.

No, surprisingly, it was really great.

David, I heard you had a little pimple on your butt the other day.

Yes, I did. It's gone away, thank you very much. Yeah, I had a pimple on my butt and I was checking it in the mirror and my friend walked in on me and I fucking didn't bring it up to him for like 8 hours 'cause I thought it was so awkward. And he's like one of my closest friends and I don't know why I panicked and didn't bring it up. You know, like I didn't bring it up to him the first minute and then I was like, okay, now it's too late. I can't bring it up now 'cause now it seems like I'm making it up. Passed it, but I really want to, I really want to, you know, he thought I was masturbating.

The longer you wait to talk about something, the harder it is. That's right.

Yeah, I never really said when you wait like a good amount, like the sweet spot amount of time, which is like, like 10, 12 hours. Yeah, I brought it up and it was just a complete—

I hate that when I get so embarrassed by something, I'm paralyzed and I don't, and then I just let it, and then it makes it even more awkward for everybody.

No, 100%. That's, that's how I am all the time. I was, when I was in the when all my friends ate the chocolate brownies, I forgot to say this, everyone was like super fucked up in the back of my car because they were all really high from these brownies. And we're driving, and we're driving back to my house, and we were starting to bring up about, we were starting to fucking talk about coyotes. And Ilya was like, yeah, coyote, like female coyotes are fucking assholes. Like they're like, they'll pretend like they're into like dogs. Yeah. And then they'll reel the dogs in, and then the male coyotes will attack and kill the dogs. And he just kept talking about that. And Dima had, I think, the funniest line of the night. Everyone was making fun of Dima for being high, and then he just kind of snapped and he goes, I'm fucking high, I'm fucking high, Ilya, you're fucking talking about coyote prostitutes. And everyone fucking lost it. It was coyote prostitutes was The fucking line that won it for the entire weekend. And then there was another party yesterday, which was Dan Bilzerian's, who's like—

26 million followers on Instagram.

Yeah, he's like a millionaire. I mean, he has like 100, 300 million dollars.

He was like a Navy SEAL and then a poker champ.

Yeah, he just has so much money.

And then he became like the Hugh Hefner of this generation, right?

Yeah, exactly. He has a lot of money. He doesn't know what to do with it, so he has, I mean, he knows what to do with it. He's having a great time with it. I'm just jealous. Fucking idiot. So he has this big house. He threw a party.

You really should invest, dude.

And again, it was so hard to get into this party.

Yeah, walk me through it.

You were there for my phone calls.

Yeah.

First I got like a plus 5, so it was me plus 5, and I invited 5 of my guy friends. And then I got a call saying—

I was one of those plus 5, by the way. I just want everybody to know.

Yeah, Jason was going in there. And then I got a call and they were like, yeah, you're bringing Jason?

No.

And then I got a call saying no guys at the party. So I'm like, what, no fucking guys? And now, because I've heard of these parties where like the ratios are like 10 guys to like 130 girls. Mm-hmm. Like, it's like, they're like really crazy. So I'm like, okay. So I called another person to try to get me in. I called a couple people, and at the end of the day, I ended up getting in, but it was fucking hard.

What was the ratio?

Okay, so yeah, so I got to the party. I'm like, I'm fucking ready. And I also got a call saying he only wants real celebrities at this party. No YouTubers. And I'm like, oh my god, so this must be like 40 people and 5,000 girls. Like, I can't imagine how exclusive the party— and then I went in and it was like any Hollywood party. Yeah, I mean, it was— it was the real ratio. It was still great, but it was like 1 to 4.

That's pretty crazy still.

It is. Yeah, but like It was— I guess the story doesn't make sense unless I really describe the 7 hours I was on different phone calls trying to get into this party. Like, you remember, right?

Oh yeah.

Like, it was chaos. It was like I was texting people left and right. And then when I got there, I was like, oh my God, what the fuck were people giving me such a hard time for?

What was the coolest thing at that party? They had like iguana. Like, you know, he has like iguanas and stuff and lizards sometimes.

No, no, no. There wasn't anything like that.

Anything like that? No.

Cardi B performed. Oh, she did, which I guess is really cool, right? If you like, you know, if you're into that. Cardi B performed.

Who's Cardi B again?

She, she's a singer.

Joking.

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And I get all my tickets on there.

Yeah.

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That was like a backhanded compliment. And I pay for all my tickets, They don't fucking like me.

No, they've given me free tickets before, but now I'm just like, I should just pay for them.

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I went to a wedding on Saturday. I went to my assistant's wedding.

How was that?

It was great. It was really fancy, and his dad got up there His dad looked like the dad from— what's that show with Topher Grace?

That '70s Show.

He looks like the dad from That '70s Show.

Red?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he was, he was like, like not a Hollywood guy at all, from Pennsylvania. And he got up, he gave the best toast. It was so good. I got there, he walks up there and he's like, he holds up some toothpaste and he goes, he goes, all right, does everybody know what this is? Everybody's like, yeah. He's like, This is toothpaste like that. It was like, okay, yeah. And he's like, now some people, they squeeze the toothpaste from the middle and some people, they squeeze it from the end. And the point of this is that toothpaste is always going to end up empty. So it doesn't matter if you squeeze it from the middle or the end. And everybody just started applauding like they loved it.

Wow.

They loved it so much.

That's actually really good.

It's pretty good. It's a little Valentine's Day for you, Dave, because what does that mean?

It just means it's really good, but what does it mean?

Maybe, maybe because you haven't been married, you don't understand it. But like, when you're married, you—

everyone ends up in a divorce.

That's it.

It all ends up being empty and not fulfilling, and you're just gonna want to move on.

I think when you're married too, it's like those little things become these like big issues that you're fighting about, and they're so stupid. Like, you know, you're like, you're like, you left the cap off the toothpaste, you know? Oh, you did this, and then they become these big things.

Is that what the metaphor is for?

I think so, yeah. And, uh, because I remember when I was married, I would like clip my toenails in bed, and that was like a big problem.

That's a pretty big problem.

I remember when I had these two bodies buried in the backyard, and my wife just fucking—

she just would not let me go.

I was married— when I was married, um, we went to therapy a lot, and, um, and, and I wanted to— I was like, can we— I wanted to— I'm like, what will make you happy? We're in therapy and the therapist asked me. I go, well, I want to play— I want to get a volleyball game going. I want to get a weekly volleyball game with all my friends and stuff like that. And then like, because I was just in a weird place and like, that's what I said, but it like meant like I want to do stuff that I like.

Sure.

But that's what came out. So I emailed all my friends and none of them wanted to play volleyball. No one would go for a weekly volleyball game. Yeah, but then But then it became this talking point in therapy every week where she would be like, so they'd be like, the first thing you say, like, were you able to get the volleyball game? I'm like, no, I don't, I don't care about the volleyball game. I'm like, trying. And then she'd talk to Marnie. She'd be like, Marnie, have you thought about the volleyball game? She's like, yeah, you can go play volleyball. I don't, I don't want to play. That's—

it's crazy how many, like, how normal therapy is to me now. Like, what are you talking about?

You don't go to therapy.

No, I don't. But like, I hear so many people go and like, I hear so many relationships like needing therapy.

Yeah.

And it's like, it's weird because like when I was growing up, like that wasn't, that wasn't a thing. Maybe it's because I was young and I didn't like know about like parents going to therapy.

Yeah.

But like, I don't know, I appreciate, I appreciate like those relationships now a lot more that are just like, that have been going strong for 40 years and they have no problems. Like, that's fucking unbelievable.

It's unbelievable.

Yeah.

I think too, you know, like the more, the more complicated your life is, the more problems you're gonna have in the relationship. If you live like a simple life—

more money, more problems. I talked about this in my vlog, but I thought it was so funny. Ilya said he used to work at Chuck E. Cheese's and he was cutting pizzas, and he got his— this is when he was like really young and stupid— he cut his hand on a on the knife, 'cause he was cutting pieces, and he bled over like 6 or 7 pizzas, and he was too scared to tell his manager, which I think is fucking insane. That's like the best way to describe a kid getting a new job. Like, you fuck up, but you're scared to tell somebody, and you just fuck up more by not telling anyone.

This pizza's pretty saucy.

Could you imagine the people that ate? I mean, I guess that happens all the time. I've probably had so much blood.

Sometimes I think about that. I'm like, what have I eaten? Or what have I said to piss off a waiter that he's, you know, gone back and spit in my food? Yeah, because I've talked to people that have, you know, I was never like really a waiter, but I was. And you didn't spit in the food. I didn't, but I know people.

No, I did.

That did.

I didn't spit in the food, but it was, it was bad. Like in, in like, because I worked at a retirement home and food would come back, and if they didn't like the resident because they were like an asshole to them, they would take another resident's food that they already finished and they put it on their plate.

Oh yeah, they'd reuse food because I know many people have told me, yeah, like the code is if you're an asshole, something will be done to your food. If you're nice, no one's gonna touch it. Like many people told me that. So I used to, when I used to go out with my friend, he complained all the time. He would be like, hi, um, there's not enough shrimp in this dish. There's only 5 shrimp, like stuff like that. And I'd be like, just Just order another one. Don't, don't test these people.

It's funny because like, like restaurants are like— when you really think about it, they're so gross. It's like even, even like I would be very respectful of people's food, but like let's say I'd be filling up someone's fruit salad, right? And I'd like— and I dropped a grape on accident like on, on the side of the tray. I use my hand to pick it up, you know what I mean? And that's disgusting. Like I shouldn't be touching anybody's food with my hands. Right, like little things like that. Like that, that happens in a restaurant 24 fucking 7.

I know, but then when you put a— when you put a glove on, that grosses me out too.

When you put a glove on?

Yeah, when I watch people like making Subway with gloves, that makes me grossed out.

What?

I don't know why, just the idea of that glove. Oh, it doesn't have that homemade feel.

Subway's intense. If they didn't do it with gloves, you want the homemade feel? Well, you know, I want you next time to go to Subway, just be like Take the gloves off. Make this one with love. Make this one like Mama made.

Give me that hometown Ebola.

Jesus fuck.

That you got there on your fingertips.

I would never want anybody at Subway making— especially fucking Subway. I don't know what— especially in Hollywood, Subways are so like scary and gross because they're the only restaurants open 24/7.

You still used to roll in there a lot. You still roll through there?

That's all I used to go into, Subway.

I know we don't video this podcast, but is my stomach out distracting you?

It's so distracting.

You keep looking at it. Yeah, but I think— see, I'm lying down, guys, and I found a comfortable position, but unfortunately for David, he has to stare at this rock-hard—

two things: I don't have my contacts in, so I can't see much, and it's still distracting. And then, and then on top of that, like, I've been trying to like— I've been trying to not bring it up because I'm like, no one can see it, so I don't want to fucking talk about it. But like, my focus keeps shifting towards it. Like, I'm like, it's crazy how it literally looks— it looks like you're wearing a crop top that you've tied just around your tits because the rest of your body is just completely fucking out.

We had an eating contest yesterday.

Just yesterday?

Yeah.

It looks like you had one for the past 7 months.

Which is what I was going to say. Guess who won? Did you? Yeah, killed it.

Who'd you have an eating competition with?

Uh, it was for Josh's video. We had to like, who could eat the fastest, and I just, bam, I just killed it. Oh wow.

What was the food?

It was baby formula. I just opened my throat up.

Oh, that doesn't count. That's like a drinking competition. Fuck you.

Bro, but I got it down the quickest, 'cause I got a little rumble in the jungle down here. I'm telling you, it is cool to have a big belly and just eat whatever you want, 'cause you're just like, I'm just gonna eat it.

But like I said, you're at the best point of your life where no one's gonna be like, look at that fucking guy, why is he so big? Who gives a fuck? You're 45.

Like I said, things ended for you a long time ago, Jason. I'm here to point it out every step of the way.

You could be fucking 200, 300,000 pounds walking to a party and no one will fucking go, look at that fat guy. No one will fucking care.

What about 221 pounds?

Nope, no one will care. I know what you want me to say, but I'm not gonna even say it.

If I looked hotter, they would like me more.

Um, possibly. But, but it's not like— it's not like being— it's, it's nothing bad. It's nothing. I mean, it doesn't fucking matter whatever fucking way you are.

Thanks for saying that, man. That makes me feel a lot better.

I just like busting your balls because—

Joe, let's hit that buffet.

It's fun. And now hold on, guys. This next part of the segment is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. Joe is our editor, and instead of paying him, we give him 25 seconds to say whatever the fuck he wants, and we regret it every time he's done. So we're live in 3, 2.

What's up, weenies? Joe from Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast here for a special extended edition of the JTWP.

That is wrong.

This is— please, please. Now, today's a special Valentine's Day, and I want to treat my loved ones with a Valentine's gift. Now I know the boys aren't very big on visuals, but I got them a nice box of chocolates.

Out of chocolate, guys. Oh, thank you.

For you guys, enjoy. Thanks for— thanks for tuning in to JTWP.

This is— that's it. And this is disgusting. Literally all of them are eaten and chewed and spit back in.

Joe.

Joe, they've been eaten. Joe, god fucking damn it. That's it. This is the last time he's on the show. What? Last time.

What kind of Valentine's Day present is this?

We got a million listeners now. We don't need him.

What are we doing?

Let's cut him off. Goddamn it, Joe. You're a bad friend. All the guys— literally, it's a heart box of chocolates, and there's like 7 pieces of chocolates in there, but they're all chewed up and spit right back in.

Can I make a suggestion?

Yeah, I know we're gonna get rid of it. I'm trying. My fucking publicist won't let me.

I think if he—

She thinks it's a good look, and it's like a charity thing I'm doing. Hey!

I think for— If he wants to keep his job, he needs to eat this lint that is in my belly button right now. And I'm gonna pull out a fresh— It's not bad.

You want him to eat it right now?

I mean, he can do it later, I guess.

Okay, he'll do it later and he'll keep his job. That's what you gotta do today, Joe. You dirty son of a bitch.

It was pretty good.

Okay, let's move on because I am so disgusted. We were at the library the other day. Yeah, and this was also my vlog, but I thought it was fucking crazy. There's a guy watching porn, straight up watching fucking a girl getting penetrated, and it was— he had it big, it was on the big screen. And Jason, you didn't think anything of it.

Yeah, we've talked about this, like, what do you think happens in the world? Like, yeah, that's like— if there's any kind of public place, it is co-opted by people who take advantage of it. That's the way the world is now.

It was so crazy though, because it was like a library. Like, we went in, we went into the library because we were gonna wax Jason, and there was gonna be this bit where we wax his chest and everything, and he'd have to be quiet. And I thought that would be fun, but I also— but I was— but I was also like, God, I don't want to be like too douchey about this.

Sure.

And like, there's gonna be kids around, and I don't want like kids seeing—

I was gonna not make any noise.

Yeah, yeah, I just felt bad. I didn't want kids seeing Jason shirtless, 'cause you know, it's fucking horrifying. So I felt so bad, but then we got there and we weren't the douchebags at all. It was a fucking guy masturbating when there was fucking kids all around him.

He wasn't masturbating.

Oh, sorry, he wasn't masturbating. He was just watching porn. I don't know. I don't know, it was very weird to me. And then Jason went to go sit by him. What did you say?

I just said, "How's it going?" And he said, 'None of your business,' like that. And then I said, 'Is that porn?' like that. And he said, 'None of your business.' And, and then, and then I got kind of scared, and then I was like, 'Oh no, no, I'm in the right here. He should not be watching porn.' You just start apologizing. 'I'm sorry.' I mean, like I said, maybe, maybe he was looking for his daughter, you know what I mean? That— or maybe he was looking up a friend. Maybe he wants— maybe he works in the porn business.

No, I don't think so, Jace. Yeah, I mean, the whole— it's weird. I've never seen that situation, and it was really weird. And it was right, we left, we left, and we all kind of felt bad for him.

I felt bad for him too.

Yeah, and it's crazy because it's like he's in the wrong, but you still feel bad for him.

Mm, I do that all the time.

I do it all the time.

And that is horrible people that I feel bad for.

That's one of my biggest flaws. Like, I'll see him, I don't even know. I don't even know.

Yeah, no, I feel the same way. I always forgive people that I'm like, what? I can't do it. I can't pull the trigger. You know what I mean? Even, like, what happened to that guy that got him there? I always think about that.

I don't know. Realistically, I guess I'm just too sympathetic. What can I say, Jason?

You know what's kind of funny? I think our sensibilities are pretty similar. We have a good time on this show. There's like an area of stuff that you don't laugh at. There's a bunch of things that I think are funny Like, I called my friend about this story the other day and he was dying laughing.

What story?

Like, okay, so like, do you know like the way like hipsters are? But you never find that funny.

Okay, I know the way hipsters are.

Okay, you do?

Yeah.

Okay, so I'll tell you the story. You tell me you think it's funny. Okay, so I went into one of those hipster coffee shops and I was like, oh cool, I'm gonna try this out, you know, because I like to get that way sometimes. And I see this thing, it's called a chagaccino. Chagaccino.

Chagaccino.

Like, what's a Chagaccino? I love coffee. I'm like, any kind of new coffee drink, I'm down. It says no sugar, and it's, um, and it's made with, with, uh, chaga, which is like a mushroom powder. And, uh, and I get it and I taste it, it's really sweet. And I go, I go, oh, I go, I go, what makes it so sweet? And the woman pulls her hair back and she goes, that's the power of the chaga. Like that. See, my friend thought it was so funny.

Your friend was probably just drunk.

No, no, it's got this Cut this out.

It didn't work. No, don't cut it out. Keep it in. No, let people know what a fucking failure you are.

You know what? I'll call my friend right now and he'll laugh his fucking head off.

Fucking kidding.

He had— he had—

why I didn't laugh.

Why?

No, I didn't laugh because you prefaced it by saying, by saying, you may not find this funny. So I was already like in a bad mood. Oh yeah, he's right. I'm not gonna find this funny for shit.

Okay, let's tell it again and then laugh.

You could have said any joke and I just wouldn't have laughed. I'm sure in the moment it was funny. Jason, I love you as my co-host on the podcast.

Oh, that's so nice.

I'd never replace you with anybody. And I know sometimes there's stories that you're like iffy about, and I just want you to know that I'm going to be here through thick and thin with you.

Awesome.

And I'm not replacing you because that fell through.

Joe, cut all this out.

Yes, Joe, cut all this out. And Jason, my search for a new co-host, it did fall through. So I want you to know that.

So I'm good for another week.

You're secured. Shut the door.

Wonderful. Yes, what happened? Zane too busy?

A lot of people— I reached out to 345 different people, and just the time, the time commitment.

I think, I think they were probably— they were intimidated that they couldn't fill my shoes.

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Wow. Oh, David.

Yeah.

What's your opinion of Valentine's Day?

Oh, that's a pretty good one. I'm not sure.

Exactly.

Why?

Exactly, I felt the same way, 'cause I was walking in here and I was like, huh, Valentine's Day, that's kind of fucked up.

You think? No, I like it. I mean, when I was in a relationship, I liked it.

What it does is it just makes everybody not in a relationship feel shitty.

Yeah, it's crazy, 'cause I haven't even given it a thought.

I hear more of that than I hear like, ooh, we had a great Valentine's Day. Like, maybe just get rid of it.

You think?

Because you know what happens?

That's a little dark.

I know, I know, I know it's a little dark, but every Valentine's Day that I've ever had, it's a shit show. You try to— I got married on Valentine's Day.

Oh, you did?

Yeah.

Oh, that's why you fucking hate me.

No, no, we had a very nice wedding.

But how many people were at your wedding?

250.

I feel like I never knew anything about your wedding.

It was like Joe, Natalie, Zane.

Was there a lot of your family there?

Scott, huh?

Was there a lot of your family there?

Yeah.

Or was it more of her family?

It was half and half.

Oh my God, I— dude, could you imagine if I went back in time and I was sitting at that wedding?

That'd be so cool.

And I just knew everything.

And I just look at you, you're out there with a camera.

Yeah. And you're just like, what the fuck is that guy?

Thumbs up. Oh, like I don't know you?

Yeah.

Like, oh, that'd be interesting.

Just seeing, like, just sitting there and seeing you all happy, not knowing for the pain that's about to come. Like, just, just me, like, look at this guy, he's so fucking happy. Well, me narrating your life as you're As you're going into—

Oh, you could go back to a lot of places in my life. That would be really cool. When I lost my virginity.

Oh, I'd love to be in that room.

When my dad left.

Oh, leave you out of that room. Maybe that's one I would avoid. I like the virginity one. Okay, sorry, continue about your wedding.

No, I was saying that like, but on Valentine's Day it's so hard to go out. So there's like a lot of pressure to go out and like do something, but all the restaurants are full.

Yeah, but that's what's so special is like you book ahead and you go, I don't know.

See, Christmas you could do in your house. And it's the same, and everybody loves it. I love Christmas.

Valentine's Day you can do in your house.

Can you?

Yeah, you build a fort, light some candles, watch a movie, order food. It's honestly, some of the best things are in your house.

I think there's a lot of pressure on people to go out on Valentine's Day. No. I don't buy that at all. I think there's very few couples that are that cool, they're like, you know what, we're just gonna chill at home.

No, I think that's a myth. You think? I think you can kill it at home. You can kill it at home.

Okay guys, now it's time for David's at-home Valentine's Day tutorial. David's gonna let us know, he's worked on this all week. What would you do at home? Go ahead, tell the people.

Well, I don't know if I did this. Number one, I don't know if I did this for a birthday or for Valentine's Day, but it was— I built a fort and I went to Target and I spent like $100 on just like blankets.

Was this when you were young?

No, this was like— I've only been in a relationship really once.

Okay.

Yeah. So, um, yeah, I bought like a bunch of snacks, but like a, like, like sparkling grape champagne that was, you know, nonalcoholic.

Okay.

And I got like a movie and like it was like— and I got lighting. I got like Christmas lighting. Inside the fort. Oh, it's like I made it really fun. And then yeah, a bunch of like— it was super soft.

Did he like it? Huh? Did he like it?

Did he like it? Did she like it?

I mean, whatever, whatever your preference is.

Well, I've only dated one person again.

Oh, got it, got it.

And yeah, she liked it.

She liked it.

Yeah, good, good. Um, no, she like loved it.

And she, she was like— she was okay with not, you know, going out or anything?

Yeah, no, I mean, dude, like, like I said, like Going out, I think, is like a myth. Like, people— I think a lot of people, a lot of people like to not go out. That's like a big— I think 80% of people like to stay in, but you just got to make the staying in extra special. You can't just lay in bed, you know what I mean? I mean, you can. People like that too. But I think, I think there's ways around it. I don't know. I mean, I'm also arguing with you, and I completely understand that because you had a horrible Valentine's Day.

When?

Well, because you got married.

Oh no, that was fun.

No, I know, but now I'm saying like now it's just kind of tainted.

I guess over the years, yeah, I've just felt like, oh, why am I— what are we going out for? Like, this is so crazy.

Like, wait, I mean, to be fair, you also just think about that like every day. Like, why am I even here? What am I doing? You're just a really pessimistic guy now.

I know, I hate how pessimistic—

were you ever like— were you ever like a positive guy?

Oh, that's fucking crazy.

That's pretty much what it's—

when did it— when did it shift for you? When it was when you moved out to LA, or was it like— when did you—

I had my spirit broken when I was about 35, actually. Yeah. Oh shit, I was probably about there where I was like, I I don't care about anything anymore. I don't, I just don't. Like, all I care about, I have my kids. I could care less about anything that's going on in the world or any meeting any celebrity or going anywhere.

When you had your kids?

Well, if you think about it, people used to die, die when they were 35. That's like when people would go. And now we're forced to be like, oh my god, we have to be excited for another 100 years.

That is kind of fucking nuts, you know, like I don't know.

That's why, like, if, you know, people are like, my parents are so cranky, like, yeah, they're fucking cranky. They're fucking keeping a roof over your head.

I feel like if— I feel like if people were still dying at 35, there'd be a lot more crime. I feel like there'd be a lot more, like, people just being like, I don't fucking have much time to live, I'm gonna go fucking crazy. And now that we have like 100 years, people don't even think about death really when they're young, and they're like able to commit crimes.

So why don't we have like granny bank robbers?

Because they're too old, they can't commit a crime. So like people could just get so old where they're like, fuck, I can't be crazy anymore, so I'm just gonna rest and die here. But yeah, no, you're right.

I think it's interesting the way guys change over time.

How come?

Like, cuz I know in my 20s I was like crazy, and then in my 30s, and now I'm just definitely more calm. And I see— or just for example, like guys getting into fights. Yeah, see that so much in their 20s. Or even like people that do dangerous things, it's always like some guy in his 20s. You mean, right, like a terrorist?

Or, uh, yeah, because those people are the fucking most moody, right?

I don't know what that is. Why, you know, there's something about like testosterone and guys are the worst. So when I was friends with guys in my 20s, I would just be like, oh, hell no, there's female terrorists. Name one. I can think of one. Yeah, and, and all she did was like hide the bomb. She wasn't actually there.

That is fucking crazy. Where are the female terrorists? That's my fucking— that's my stance is like, hold on, fucking equal jobs for everybody. I guess women are smarter or less dangerous.

Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know what the— yeah, that's pretty fucking crazy.

I told my ex, I accidentally told my ex that I loved her the other day.

Ah yeah, I remember you telling me this.

That was pretty fun.

How was that?

Well, I just was on the phone with like people all day and I just like wasn't thinking.

Yeah.

And she's like, okay, so you'll get the kids at 9? I'm like, yeah, okay, okay, bye, okay, bye. Love you. Oh, what? Nothing. Goodbye.

You've done that to me actually too.

I said I love you.

You said I love you to me.

That was probably a joke.

No, no, you've said it.

It slipped out.

It slipped out, but like, I didn't probably— but like, it wasn't like an awkward thing because like, whatever, like you make jokes like that. But I know it slipped out on accident.

Love you. And try to say goodbye to me. All right, David, so I'll meet you at Dom's.

Yeah, I'll see you.

Okay, love you.

Yeah, you've done that.

Fuck.

Was it awkward with your wife the next day? Did you guys joke about it?

No, we didn't joke about it. Like your story with Ilya of him looking at your pimple on your butt.

Oh, you guys just never brought it up?

I never brought it up. I mean, what would I say?

Hey, I don't love you.

Hey, um, hey, just so you know, I, you know, I'm not in love with you. It just kind of came out.

I actually just don't like you at all. Please don't get the wrong impression. Guys, well, that's really honestly all the time we have for today's podcast.

No, it can't be.

It is.

Are we up in time already?

Yeah.

Wow, I can't believe we— this was an easy breezy one.

Yeah, well, this was— we actually only recorded for 20 minutes. I just slowed down the audio to double it.

Oh, fantastic.

So it just sounds like we're talking a lot slower.

Oh man, well, that'll be good for all the kids in college who take acid. This is the—

every month we have one episode where we slow it down for the kids that are on drugs.

Rrr, it was great.

Guys, thank you for listening. Make sure to like and subscribe. I mean, Jason, what do you have upcoming in your life that people should follow?

Oh cool, just new merch coming on on Friday and my YouTube vlogs that I make.

Oh, you should— Casey's making a fun documentary. Casey Neistat. I don't want to give it away what the documentary is on. Yeah, but be on the lookout if you're— if you're— if you like— if you want to watch a new YouTuber, you don't know who Casey Neistat is, that's the one to watch. I'm sure all of you guys already know him. Yeah, but, um, but go check him out.

He's been hanging around with us.

Yeah, he's been with us for a little bit.

Everyone gives me shit because I really like Casey, and I don't know what's wrong. I can't have another man crush on another man. What's the big deal?

Yeah, so Casey's another YouTuber, and Jason fucking loves Casey. Oh my god, when he walks in the room, it's like I feel like a fucking third wheel.

Do you know why I love him?

I don't know, actually. I mean, I get why he's great.

One time we were on a plane with him and I didn't really know him at all. And he like sat and like talked to me about myself and like what was wrong with me and like broke me down and like gave me really good advice. And when he didn't have to do that at all. And not a lot of people do that. Nobody like, you know, the greatest people, David, are the ones that are so great that they can give. You know what I mean? Like that's truly greatness.

I agree.

You know, not the people that are like me, me, me, me, me, more, more, more, more, more. Like, and that's why I—

Casey was here because he was actually just telling me about that time. He was like, I was on a plane with Jason once and he fucking would not stop yapping my ear off. That's so crazy. So crazy how people perceive things differently. That's nuts.

Is that what he said?

Something like along the lines of that.

We remembered it differently.

He was so kind.

And I think I had my sunglasses on because I just went to sleep for a bunch of it. And then Jason was like, Did you doze off? And I was like, no, I'm up. What? Your career? Your ex-wife?

What? No, but guys, all right, that's all the time we have. Thank you guys for listening. My name is Jeff. This has been another Views motherfucking podcast. We'll see you next week. Oh, and follow me on Instagram. I'm trying to hit 10 million because that's been a goal of mine for the past—

I'm gonna go follow you.

Oh, thank you.

Follow you right now.

Bye, guys.