David Selling His Home

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. So Jonah just moved out of his like parents' house.

Yeah.

And he's what, 25 years old, Jay?

Yes.

And he just texted me, yo, call me right now. I live alone now. We can throw ragers now, no parents. That's what he said. As if not every single other person in our friend group has been living without parents for the last 5 years. Yo, yo, good news. No parents anymore.

Don't invite Jason, he's a parent.

All right, roll the intro music. Hey, I have an announcement to make on the podcast, exclusively here on The Views Podcast. I'm officially putting my house up for sale.

What?

Exclusive. Exclusive.

Wow.

Do we have the exclusive bell? Oh, here it is. Exclusive with The Views Podcast. Podcast. You're gonna get the inside scoop with David and Goop. Damn, why was that so long? What the fuck was that?

Okay.

Anyway, yeah, I'm putting the house up for sale. And the way I figured it out— I haven't found a new house, but the way I've thought about it is once this house sells, yeah, I'll just be forced to move somewhere else.

Be on the street.

I'll be— I'll be somewhere. I don't care if it's a motel or hotel. There needs to be a safer place than continuing to live here because people are coming to the door and it's getting so bad. And the worst is like today we were driving up and there were these kids in the car like 3 different cars full of kids, right? And, and I pull up and like, they all look at me. They're all so happy. They're like, Dave. And I'm like, I'm never like mean because it's just, you know, you're so nice, right? There's no point. But, but, but they can just see how disappointed I am in my face. And like, they go from like, Dave, I'm sorry, man. Listen, we're from Oregon. Just one picture. And everyone goes quiet in the car. Like everybody's like, oh, like right before. And then we pull up and then they're like, oh. And then only one person talks, like the guy who was like who, you know, they decided before was going to talk in case they got into that situation. Right. And then, you know, it's usually the dad. And the dad's like, listen, I'm sorry. No, we're not supposed to be here. Kids want a picture. It's so— it's so awkward. Closed. So yeah, I'm putting this up for sale. Do you want it?

I would love it. Okay, let's work something out.

Like what?

Hmm, I don't know.

I take your Percentage of the Views podcast for the next 50 years?

It probably Yeah, it's a good investment. Maybe I would. Why do you keep offering it to me?

I don't know, I feel like you need a home.

I've seen your home and I hate it so much.

I will— I'm willing to give you this one for free. Just please move out of there. Poor kids. Your kid's 8 feet tall and he lives in a little shack. Your kid is huge and that doorway that he has to run through is fucking so tiny.

They're kids, they're stupid, they don't get it. They don't understand how They're stupid. It is, you know, you know how they're not stupid, but they're like, you said it, you know, when you're—

Jason's kids are stupid. This is the title of the podcast.

That's fine.

Is it?

Yeah, sure.

All right.

Jason's kids are stupid.

Can I change the word to idiots?

Jason's kids are— that's fine. People will read it and think it's you saying it.

No. Okay. Let it be known that Jason said it first. Jason's kids are stupid.

It's not—

I'm going to— you know what I'm going to do in the title? I'm going to go Jason's And then in parentheses, my kids are stupid.

My kids are stupid. It's not that they're stupid. It's like, you know, when you're a kid, you don't really know the difference. Like, no, I grew up in a—

totally. I'm kidding. Your house is cool, bro.

I grew up in a one-bedroom apartment and like, my mom was like, oh yeah, you have like— and I loved it.

Your kids? Yeah, I shared a room with— well, I didn't share a room, but my siblings shared a room with 3, like 3 siblings in one room, a bunk bed, and then another room. And then they had 2 guinea pigs in the same room. Yeah, I know. Trust me, your kids have like— your kids have like the craziest living situation ever. I'm just trying to bust your balls and trying to sell this place quick.

How much?

$3 million. Whoa. Yeah.

Would you get it appraised?

No, I appraised it myself. I said, this means a lot to me, I need $3 million.

It's a great time to put a house on the market.

You know what I thought about? Because I'm selling the house, right? So I thought who would buy it, like, just for the price I want, no negotiating, just whatever, for— I'm selling for $3 million. I thought if anybody's gonna buy it, MrBeast should buy it. Yeah, because when you buy a $3 million house, you only put— you're only putting down, like, the down payment money. So you're not actually putting— yeah, you're putting 25% down. Um, and I think he can— you know, it'll be a nice piece of real estate and he'll make it one good video. And I feel like he already spends $10 million a video, so why the fuck not? So, MrBeast, if you're listening to this, you have full-blown permission to come to my house at any moment without telling me, with lawyers and whatever you need, and take over the rights to my house. So just come in if you want to buy my house. It's all fucking yours. 100%. Just show up to my door and don't tell me when you're coming. So you get my reaction. Okay. See you soon.

I lost my AirPods in Run Hills and I had to buy fucking wired headphones and I watched porn with them. Like, with the wired headphones. It was the worst thing ever. Like, the fucking wire gave you right here.

What, in the bedroom right next to David's room?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. And it would be like wire would like wrap around my dick and like—

No, it wouldn't.

Yes, it would, dude.

Yes, it would. Why would you be like in the way? I'd be like, how would people ever do this?

You watch with headphones?

What?

Why wouldn't they?

Yeah, why wouldn't you?

Because then you don't know if anybody's coming. It's the worst.

My fucking bathroom door is locked.

I know, but what if I'm banging on it?

Oh, that's your problem. All I hear is I'm not fucking somebody.

Yeah, but like, still.

I don't know, man.

When he's in the bathroom, you don't go in there.

I'd never watch porn with headphones on, ever.

Well, you—

I would—

bedroom, no one hears you.

Yeah, well, if I do jerk off, I keep the door open so I can— so I know when people are— when people are coming.

Okay, you live in a house with tons of people rolling around.

I'm just saying, jerk off.

Have you ever— have you ever just like left the living room? Have you ever just left the living room and like, like gone and jerked off without us knowing and then come back? Yeah.

Yeah. What do you mean? Why is that weird?

I mean, that's pretty weird. Like, after a morning meal, out of context.

I do it a lot.

Shit. We're back to talking about—

No, I don't do it a lot. It's easiest to talk about jerking off.

Yeah.

Oh my God, we're talking about jerking off again.

Fuck.

What started as a story about headphones devolved because he said it tangled around his dick. Where are you supposed to go with that? First of all, how does that happen?

We need somebody to come in here and talk.

Are you doing a dance as you're masturbating? How the fuck are headphones getting tangled around your dick?

What do you mean? I'm kind of like, like reclining a little bit and, you know, the fucking— the wire, like, wraps.

Let me, let me change the subject a little bit. Do you ever sit on the toilet and rest your— No, it's— this isn't jerking off. This is just poop related. You ever— you ever sit on the toilet and rest your back, like, on the back of the toilet while you're pooping? Yeah. No, it's so weird.

I do it while I'm jerking off.

No, I do.

What, you do?

What? Yeah, take a little break.

Wait, what? No, I've done it like 3 times in my life and I think it's like—

you mean like get back support while you're pooping?

Yeah, you do that.

You do hunch over?

I mean, yeah.

I mean, I'm supposed to sit upright.

No, I mean, not even when I'm pooping. I'm just sitting on the toilet. I'm just—

you guys ever stand up and take a shit?

No, hold on, hold on. You put your— you put your back—

I mean, I'm sure I have. Yeah, yeah, but you do that normally?

You put your back up to the little backboard?

No, but I mean, I have.

Well, now it looks like you're You're backpedaling because we're all making fun of you.

No, I mean, I, I'm sure, like, yeah, I guess.

Like, Jay, have you ever made a sex tape?

No. Have you ever had sex with your mom?

What?

I don't know.

Sorry, got that. That moment that you just said, that's where one guy goes, okay, I'm done with this. That's where, that's where one listener went like, okay, I've had enough. Yeah, that's where a listener was like, I'm not, I'm not coming back to this podcast.

Yeah.

Okay.

Ellie, have you ever had sex with your mom?

No, no. There we lost another 5. Let's talk about something else. No, no more.

No more sex. The first person that talks about sex gets a spanking. Sounds good, Daddy.

Okay, let's talk about something else.

Jay, you know, we were flying back from, from Vernon Hills the other week. I noticed David doesn't recline his fucking chair in the airplane. It's the most bizarre thing.

He puts his backpack on the dinner tray and then he sleeps forward on the backpack.

Dude, in it, like, it's first class. So, like, it, like, reclines a lot.

Yeah, I know. I don't need to recline. I, I want fully down or no recline at all. Honestly, I don't recline because I feel bad for the people behind me and it's just kind of built into like a habit. Like, the one time I did recline recently was because Susie was sitting right behind me and Susie's just like my friend. So I was like, fuck it, I'll send this bitch back. And she goes, I have tiny legs, so you can go as far as you want. So that's fine. But yeah, I feel bad. Like, I don't want to have like an awkward encounter with the person behind me. Like, excuse me, because those seats recline far sometimes.

What do you mean, excuse me? Excuse me for what? Is he going to fucking walk up to me and be like, can you please fucking—

It's the rule of the recline. It's if it goes back, you're fucked.

You're really—

Yeah, you can't say anything.

I don't know. I always think it's kind of weird.

What was someone going to say? Hey, don't recline.

Hey, can you not recline a lot? I've just been— I've been having a tough day and like, it's just really hot here.

No one's ever said that to me.

No, no.

Go all the way back. And I've ridden coach quite a bit.

I've heard it next to me.

Really?

Yeah, I've heard it happen next to me. Like, can you put your seat back a little bit, please? I'm just trying to work. Same. I'm trying to work on my computer.

That would be insane. Yeah, but someone—

but some people think think that, like, not think, but some people, you know, have important things to get done on, on their flight over and they're really stressed and you just don't want to be in their space. I don't know. I recently got an Iron Man suit in the mail. It's really nice. I wore it. It cost me a little over $10,000, which I know sounds fucking insane, but it comes with a stand. So, you know, even when I'm not wearing him or being Iron Man, I could just put it up like in my house and look cool. And like, I had to get every measurement. So they measured my my neck, my face, my eyes, my torso. Every part of me was measured so I could fit in this Iron Man suit that lights up and glows in the dark and shit. Like a real Iron Man. It was cool. And he would send me pictures. It was like a guy in like a different country, like welding it together, like the real Iron Man. Like, I think it was probably the same guy in the movie. And yeah, he was putting it together and it came 3 months later and I was fucking—

like, any weight? Did it fit?

Yeah, it fit. He said I had like a couple inches. Of like leeway. So even if I did gain a little bit of weight, it was fine.

How long it take to put on?

Oh my God, it took so long to put on. Realistically, it was like 45 minutes, but like it was a pain in the ass. I had Ella and Taylor helping me, and like we had to unscrew the legs and screw them back on me. Yeah, it was like fucking— it was hell. And I was sweating so much, I was soaked when I took the entire thing off. It stopped working, the light stopped working because I was so wet from sweating. So like the mat, the, the head wasn't removing and closing and opening properly because I was just so sweaty. But other than that, it was, it was a really, really good investment.

You think you'll wear it on dates and stuff?

Yeah. I mean, that's— I— yeah, I'm being deadass. I changed my profile picture on my dating apps to me in the Iron Man suit. I just think that maybe people like a guy who's heroic.

So all you guys out there, stop buying David's merch so he doesn't fucking keep buying things like this.

No, please. I'm fucking out of money. Literally, I'm out of money. I haven't posted in a while. I think you're in a good spot.

Right.

You made it this far. You made a lot of money.

Just kick off next year.

Yeah.

And then I want to live though. You don't understand. I know I want to live.

No way.

I do. I like it. No, I like life. I really do. I have my kids.

You like your life specifically? Yeah.

Yeah. It's not bad.

You like watching other people's?

Both. I mean, I love living vicariously through other people, and so that makes my life kind of fun too.

Yeah, bro. I saw a picture of your kid the other day.

Yes.

He's getting tall.

My guy's taller than me, but he's getting taller.

Taller.

I know.

Like, I know he was taller than you, but now he's like, he's kind of like a, like a Hilton. Like the size of a Hilton. Like, for the hotel. The hotel.

I used to joke about the room in my house was a garage that I converted.

Yeah.

I used to joke about how, like, David, he fucking walked out today. He fucking slammed his head. Like, he can't—

oh, the door can't fit.

He has to, like, duck down.

Wow.

And he's like, is it okay if I go to Jack's house?

He reminds me of, like, the gentle giant.

Yes.

Like, he's just like this huge guy who's like, who can kill anybody with his bare hands. But he just thinks that, like, you know, he's like delicate with butterflies. Then when he finally gets picked on, you're just like, why? What the fuck? You can crush these kids. How are they picking on you?

I'm waiting for him to show like some sort of like microaggression or something, but he's just like, so, yeah, bro, I've been waiting on your, on your kids to freak out on you for the last 3 years. Waiting. I'm like, something's got to go wrong.

Yeah. I was like, they have to turn into teenagers or something. Like, one of them has to find drugs, especially in LA. How are they so good?

I don't know. I told them, I said, you want to do drugs, go ahead.

What'd they say?

They're like, we don't want to do drugs. I was like, okay, great.

If you want to do drugs, go.

I'm doing reverse psychology with them. Is that what your parents did? They tell you, no, don't do drugs? Did they— did your parents come to you and tell you don't do drugs before you're even thinking about doing drugs? No, no, no, no, they never mentioned it.

I didn't mention until like They're like, I made jokes about my parents. Like, like, I feel like I would make a joke about weed.

Yeah.

And like, they would be like, they wouldn't even believe it.

Yeah.

Like, there's no fucking way this loser got a hold of weed. Like, that's how my parents looked at it, I think. So like, the couple of times I did, like, say I came home high, my mom just kind of laughed. Yeah. But like, I was definitely high.

But where'd you find weed in Vernon Hills?

Well, there's a dealer.

What was his name?

I can't say because I think he still deals there. I think he still deals out of the same house. Today, Ilya and I got in a fight because I said he was dumb, and he goes, no, I literally think you're dumber than me. And I go, no, you're probably one of the stupidest people I know. And then we got in a fight about who's dumber, and then he got, he got so mad during the hike, he hiked in front of me the entire time and just didn't talk to me until we got back to the car. And he's like, well, you wanted your space, so you got it. And then we got back in the car, and I was like, don't you ever fucking do that again. What are you, 6 years old?

I saw a TikTok of you guys trying to park hiking and some, some girl was like, we stole David's space.

Oh my God. Yeah, this girl stole— this girl stole our spot. Not really stole, but she parked before us.

Yeah.

And like, I like, I like drove by and I went, fuck you for stealing our spot. Like, as a joke, right? But I was like, I saw her filming and I was like, great, it's going to be taken out of context. She didn't catch that part, but like, I don't even think she heard me say it, but I was like trying to be funny. Like, I'm like, like really pissed about the spot. But yeah, no, that's funny. And then she made a TikTok about, about her taking the spot. It was really funny.

There was a, there was a comment too. It was like, he's so mad. And I watched it like 5 times.

Oh yeah, he's not mad.

He's not mad at all. He's like, they're looking for another space.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Parking in general is just really tough at this hike. We were looking for parking for like 30 minutes, not 30 minutes, like 4 minutes. But, you know, it felt like a long time. And, and we got to this one guy and he's like parking and he's like a Mini Cooper almost. It's like a smaller car and he's like fitting in a small spot. And I don't know why I felt the need to comment, but I rolled my window down and I go, lucky that your car is so small that you can fit in these spots. Like, that's what I said. And the guy was foreign. He was Russian. And he goes, what? And I go, I go, lucky that your car is so small that you could fit in these spots. And it just didn't make any sense. Like, I was just trying to make conversation, like, just to be like, a fun dude, like, hey, I'm Dave and I'm out for a hike.

I'm going to have a good day.

Yeah. And the guy just didn't understand what I was saying. And he was getting almost angry because I think he thought I was saying that he has a small car and he's a pussy. Like, that's, that's how it looked like he was taking it. And after my third try, genuinely, I tried 3 different times. I just drove away. I drove away and I was like, I'm— I drove away so embarrassed. Like, like I rolled the window up and I go, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Like in my car because I was so embarrassed. This guy didn't understand me. And then, and then I'm still looking for a spot, and he came out of his car, walked right up to my car, and he goes, ah yes, I have small car, it was a lot easier, it's gonna be tough with your car. And I was like, oh my god, okay, good, he fucking understood me. I was so—

I had to use Google Translate, but I figured out what you were saying.

I was so fucking scared. Have you ever been in a situation where you're about to compliment somebody on their smell and you go, hey, you smell and you know for a second they're gonna be scared. Like, because the sentence, hey, you smell really, really good.

Yeah.

Like, for a second there's fright in people's— so like, there's situations like, this was the same thing, like me going, your car's small. Like, that was a moment where I was like, I was like, I hope he lets me finish so he understands that I'm not being mean.

Right.

And like, that, that, that'll happen a lot with like, wow, you really smell good. You've never done that? You've never like said that to somebody and you go, I hope they let me finish and don't get scared that I'm I've been on the end of someone starting a sentence with, "You smell," and I'm like, "Oh my God, here it comes." Yeah, you out of anybody.

Yeah, I know. Like, yeah.

Or like, or like, oh, this is my favorite. Like when, like, I'm talking to somebody and their gum is delicious and I go, "Your breath smells so good." But like, it sounds so scary and almost makes your stomach like turn, sink.

Yeah.

Like it's like, what the fuck is wrong with my breath? Like, those are the sentences that always scare me. Yeah. Anyway.

So your friendliness is off-putting.

Is my friendliness?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Like when I first started hanging out with you, like, you're so friendly and so like, like a kid.

Like, maybe with you, I was just being sarcastic.

What'd you say?

Maybe with you I was just being sarcastic.

No, I'm talking about more like when you would just roll up on strangers. Like, you're such a kid that's like been out of his parents' house for the first time.

Oh yeah. I love talking to—

you love talking to—

I love interacting with people.

And I remember like first hanging out with you being like, people aren't going to receive this well. They're going to think he's being a dick. Yeah, but he's actually really, really nice.

Yeah, I'd be the worst Uber driver because I would just fucking feel the need to, like, conversate with everybody. Just turn around and be like, hey, you really smell good back there. But yeah.

Robert Downey Jr. hailed a 6-year-old boy who saved his sister from a dog attack as a rock star and promised him a special birthday surprise. David.

I know. I wish I could have saved my sister from a dog attack. No, that kid is lucky. That kid is lucky.

He's a hero. He's definitely brave.

I'm going to get a dog to attack my sister so I can jump in. I can jump in and get that dog out of there. And then it could be, hey, Robert, did you see what I did? Too late. 6-year-old already did it. No, that's sick. I fucking love— I love that. I love when superheroes, like, call. That's the coolest thing in the world. When a superhero calls, like, a kid that's been, like, hurt, injured in the hospital or anything. Like, how empowering is that? When fucking Captain America or Iron Man is on the phone, they're going, Hey, bud, you're going to be okay. I'm watching over you. Like, if fucking Robert Downey called me right now and told me my life was going to be okay and he had the suit on, he goes, don't worry, I got your back. I feel fucking invincible. And I'm 23.

If Robert Downey Jr. came over here to, like, meet you for, like, a business meeting or something.

Yeah.

Would you show him the suit?

Well, I'd open the door in the suit.

Oh, you would?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I'd imagine he had his suit close by, too. I doubt he goes very far without a suit. So what if there's crime?

What if Robert Downey Jr. put his hand on your shoulder in the suit and went, hey, it's just a movie?

Oh my God, that'd break my heart. That'd be crazy. I don't think you'd do that. I don't think you'd do that. Hey, it's just a movie. You're being really fucking weird. Yeah, man, it is weird. Is it weird how much I like Iron Man, or is it normal?

I think it's— I think it's—

I feel like I'd like it a super healthy amount. I do definitely like— I got the suit. That's a little excessive. But like, I, I don't feel like I'm like set for Halloween, right? I don't feel like it's an unhealthy, like, obsession. Like some people are like commenting and they're going, whoa, Dave, you got to calm down. Like, some people are like scared for me.

I think it's pretty cool.

Yeah, I thought it was pretty cool.

I just love the idea of having my Halloween costume.

I sent my family that suit. Yeah, the video of me in the suit. My dad goes sad with the crying emoji. I was like, fuck, is it this bad?

Marnie came over and looked at my house with her boyfriend today.

Oh, that must be embarrassing.

They were outside and they came in and the place was really messy.

Fuck. Did you know they were coming?

No. I made the really dumb move of like— she was in the doorway picking up Charlie and I was like, oh, I got you guys a bottle of wine. She was like, oh, that's really nice, that's unlike you. And I was like, okay, well, very nice. And then I, I went upstairs and then he was there and I was I was like, you guys want to come in and see the place? And they were like, yeah, sure.

She's never seen it?

No, she's seen it, but he hasn't seen it. Oh, so then he came in and the place was just— oh my God, it was such a mess. It was just like, I can't imagine what he thought. He must have just thought, God, this guy's really fucking going nowhere. Then we came outside and he looked at the view and he was like, this is really nice. And I was like, it's all— anything I say is awkward. I go, yeah, well, I got it for the view.

Jay, yeah, you are awkward.

I mean, what do you say?

Yeah, that's like that. I know, I understand.

No, I'm awkward. Yeah, I know.

But like, I can imagine you in that situation. I would just be fucking dying.

Like, why invite it in? Why? Why? That's my thing. Like, why invite that? Why not just say, okay, take Charlie and go?

Does he think you're like a loser? Genuinely, honestly, what does he actually think of you?

No, I don't think he thinks that. I don't know what he thinks. I don't know what I think. I would— after he left, I'm like, I don't have anything in my head.

Calm down, buddy.

Like, I know.

I mean, yeah, yeah, no, he doesn't think I'm a loser. I mean, maybe Yeah.

I mean, I don't have— I don't— I was— he left and I was like, yeah, it's Saturday night. I wonder what they think I'm going to go do.

Right.

And I guess I'll come here, right? Do the podcast.

I mean, is he tall?

He's my height.

Oh, okay. Okay.

Really handsome.

I imagine like 6'4". He's just—

he's like an actor. He's an actor. Handsome.

Does he— does he like touch Marnie in front of you?

I mean, I haven't seen him do that, but I'm sure he touches her.

I mean, I mean, he definitely touches her, but like, I mean, yeah, maybe he has.

I've only, I've only had him like—

does he call her babe in front of you?

No, but one time I went over there to get them and, and, uh, they— when I went to get the kids and we were like, I was like watching the Oscars with them or something, and then the food came for them. They had ordered food and then like the food was like all wrong and like, oh, the soup had like dumped over and it dumped out in the bag.

Yeah.

And then like I saw, I saw her like go into like, you know, oh, like panic mode. And then he had to go over and like deal with the soup when it used to be my job to go over and deal with the soup, and I just watched him do it, and it was so fucking weird.

Oh, that is really funny.

He was like, he's like, he's like, it's okay. He's like, it's fine, we'll, you know, we'll clean it up, and there's still some there, so we can share what's left. And she was like, I know, but I wanted it to be nice. And they just had this whole fucking Bizarroland conversation in the same kitchen that I used to like stand in and do the same thing, like, it's okay, we can share it. You know, it's so fucking bizarre.

You're just sitting there on her couch with a smirk on your face like, oh my God, I—

part of me was like, glad I didn't have to deal with it. And the other part of me was like, oh my God, I get the fuck out of here. Like, I can't watch this, right?

That is really funny.

So bizarre. I think Dave's probably the type of guy that's probably just ready for a woman to come in and clean house.

Oh yeah.

And I don't— and I don't say that mean. No.

If a girl wanted to change me to fucking whatever she wanted, I don't care if she wants to change me into a fucking ballerina. Like, I'll do— I'll do whatever.

Like, if a girl came in and was like, hey, all your awards, they're like a little tacky in the front of the room. Is it okay if we just put them in the garage?

Yeah, 100%. Well, except my Cashiers Awards, for sure. No, yeah, I'd let a girl definitely do whatever she wants to do. No, no, no, no, no. I'm really good about that. I would never be in a— I would never be dating a girl that would do that to me.

Oh my God, right? I can't wait I cannot fucking wait to watch the two of you get married. It is going to be me and Ilya. Oh, no, we're two girls, not to each other.

Wait, to who?

Like, I can't wait to watch you guys get girlfriends, get married, and then watch how much things will change.

Oh, I don't know. I can't wait to get married. I'm so excited.

Dave and I said that we have to have kids at the same time, so when he gets a girl pregnant, I have to hurry up and do my thing.

Yeah, there's going to be a lot of pressure.

That's fine. My best friend and I, we have—

you know what I'm really scared about? What's going to really suck?

Now they're friends.

Huh?

When one of us gets a girlfriend, it's going to be really sad for the other person.

It's going to be so sad.

It's going to be the worst. It's going to be so bad. And I know how you are with girls and, you know, it's like the shittiest thing. And that's the same way I am with girls, too.

Let's vow to not get a girlfriend for like another 4 years.

No, fuck that, bro. I'll take one tomorrow. Oh, dude. Yeah, man. I don't— I mean, it's definitely going to be bad. It's going to be so bad.

I'm going to lose my friend.

I know.

I'm going to straight up—

I know. And And I'm going to hate her too. I'm not going to like her. I'm going to go fuck her. And like, in like, you're going to be like, you're jealous. I'm like, no, I'm not. That's what's, that's what's going to come down to. It's like Jason with his kids, you know, he, I say I'm not jealous, but I really am.

I know I seem like I would get a girlfriend before you, but I don't think so.

No, I don't think so.

Oh fuck. It's usually the person who says that that gets the girlfriend before.

I think David will get a girlfriend before you.

Really?

Yeah, I think so too, because you're just like, you're on the vine, man. You really are.

What does that mean?

You've just been out on this vine for a while. Like big tomato.

Like, like I need a girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think so too.

It's probably the one thing.

But Jay, but Jay, what am I going to do with Ilya when I get a girlfriend?

You know what? I could, I could, I could. You're so good at like massaging situations that I could see you being like, and he's going to come too.

And the girl will be like, okay.

You know what I mean?

But I have a feeling Elle's not going to want to. I wouldn't want to do that.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to. What do you mean?

No, that could be great. Like, if you have a good— like, Marty and I had a friend like that that always tagged along.

Hey, I'll date the girl. I'll date the girl. Your girlfriend's friend?

Yeah.

No matter if I like her or not, I'll just fucking date her.

Why don't you guys marry twins?

She's 48.

So you have a friend? Yeah, but she's like a little older.

You are.

She's a pen pal in a retirement home. Okay, I'll fuck her.

You are the type of guys that would marry twins.

Yeah. Oh, wow. That'd be really fun. Yeah. But then obviously there's always one hotter twin, and that would be about— Yes, there is. There's always one hotter twin. You didn't know that?

It's always one hotter twin. They're twins.

No, no, no. There's always one twin that's hotter. You didn't know this?

No.

It's true. It's true. Every twin has the hotter twin.

Every time in like Playboy when they have twins, they both know you have to look.

There's one of them that's hotter.

Really?

Yeah.

Did you have twins in your school?

Yes.

Was, was one hotter than the other?

Yeah, for sure.

Dave and I always talk about like him wanting this, like, you know, fucking beautiful wife, beautiful girl, whatever. But her like coming in, getting to know me and liking me instead.

We've never talked about this. You've talked about this once because we always talk about this. You brought that up once.

Whatever.

Is this your goal?

No, but I can see it happening.

Wait, what?

Like, okay, so like, so like David, you know, likes a girl or whatever, but like she actually likes me more than him. And like ends up marrying me. That'd be pretty fucked up.

Yeah, it'd be fucked up.

Don't say I wouldn't do that, bro.

Wait, why? You would. Yes, you would. I wouldn't.

Yeah, you know, but you would realize you'd be like, yeah, you two are good together, right?

Right.

Why do you keep bringing up this scenario?

Yeah, he keeps bringing it up like he's like, like, like that.

What do you mean I keep bringing it up?

This is— first of all, this is— this is the fourth time you've said this and I haven't brought it up. No, sorry, I lied. I lied. I lied. This is the second time. This is the second time you've said this.

Yeah.

And I've never brought it up. And you just brought it up like you've been thinking about it for a while.

I haven't.

You literally You literally said, you literally said, yo, Dave and I always say— we never always say— you said it once, which makes me think that you think about it all the time. Are you gonna steal the fucking next girl?

I'm not gonna fucking steal anybody. I'm not like that. But like, if she likes me and you realize it and you allow it—

oh my God, I'm, I'm already upset at you. This doesn't exist yet. Wow, I'm gonna be so pissed if you take a girl from me.

You guys aren't the type of guys that—

no, girls—

no, no, I—

dude, okay, Jay, even like if we like the same girl, if he likes her more than I do, or if he just likes her and I like her, but you can have her, like, she's all yours. I don't even compete.

One time we liked a girl at the same time and we played rock-paper-scissors to see who could talk to her.

Who won? Me. And then what happened?

It didn't go well.

And what'd you think? Fucking stupid ass, should have been me.

Yeah, whatever.

I mean, like, you think you're better with girls than David?

No, David's way better with girls.

Girls.

He was better with girls than anybody I know.

Really?

Wow.

Really good.

Thank you so much.

I'm serious. It's fucking— it's an art, man. He's really good at it.

That means— that means a lot. Why do you say that? I've never heard you say that. Nice.

I don't know.

Yeah, I've seen you be really good with girls where you're like, keep them guessing and you're like, really? You're like entertaining and seem like you don't care. And then.

Yeah.

And then you keep them guessing where they're like, oh, maybe he's gay. And then you bring it back around to make it clear that you're not gay.

What? No, I don't keep girls guessing. I'm very forward.

No, but, but like, it's not that— yeah, you keep them guessing. Like, you're like, you keep them entertained where it's like, it's not— it's— you're pretty clear. Like, you're saying all different things and you're very like rapid fire and—

oh, right, right, right.

I'm not saying you play games.

Like, David's so good at girls. At girls? David's so good with girls that like, I almost learned from him.

What have you learned from David in terms of—

but like, what girl have I interacted with that you like?

That I like.

I like—

you interact with—

what girl have I? I like all the girls you like. I'm just trying to steal them. No, but like, what girl? It was a girl specifically.

That was no one specific.

Oh, just like when we were out in public.

Yeah.

And like someone's talking to us. Oh, okay. Okay.

Yeah.

I was in Urban Outfitters the other day just buying stuff for Charlie. She loves Urban Outfitters.

Oh, Charlie story. Here it comes.

Here it comes. It's my life, David.

All right, all right. The other half of the podcast. And I got that with the real life. All right, go, go, go.

I'll make it quick.

I got to make it quick.

I got the mask on.

Hey, man, I've been listening to the podcast. It sounds like you guys are fast-forwarding Jason's parts. Is that in editing or is just Jason talking really fast?

And then we had dinner.

Okay, so what happened?

You had the mask on?

Yeah.

And then the security guard comes over and he's like, above the nose, sir.

Oh, you are one of those below the nose people.

Okay, that's fine.

Yeah, I'm on your side.

I mean, You, dude, I don't fucking get that at all.

It falls.

It falls. Hey, dude, you know, you know how I knew you're, you know, you know how I knew you're like a below the nose guy? Because I love how there's like below, like imagine this conversation.

Yeah.

Like 8 months ago. Like, what are you talking about? How they wear their masks? Like what masks? No, but like just the way your pants sag and how like you can't control like what level of butt crack is coming out of your pants.

Yeah.

Just makes me believe that you have no control over your mask either.

Well, that's because my weight fluctuates, so some days I really should have a belt.

I don't think that's it.

It is. I'm losing weight. Oh, and I have 36s that should be 35 and a half.

But I've— but even when you were like at your biggest, yeah, your crack was out maybe even more than it is now.

Well, that's because if you're too heavy, then your crack comes out.

So you really can't win. Fuck.

Well, sir, sir, above the nose, above the nose, like that.

And you're just like I hate people that wear masks and that they don't have it.

They don't have the most annoying thing when you get fucking told to put it on your nose.

You know why? It's so fucking easy. Just put it above your nose.

No, I understand. David's right. Like, just put it above your nose.

Like someone said it on the plane when I was sitting next to you, Dave, and I got so mad inside. I got so mad, man.

Good.

What do you mean, good?

Fuck you for not having it above your nose. Listen, I was getting so mad at you at the airport for it. Kept slipping below his nose and I could see like the way he was talking was he was opening his like jaw wider. So So it like purposefully fall below his nose. And I was just getting so fucking frustrated. I was like, dude, put the mask above your nose. Like, it's so, so simple. Like, not only is it like good, you know, to be safe and healthy and like conscious of others, but like, we don't get dirty looks. That's the most important part is people don't look at us like we're fucking, you know, we just escaped prison. I put it above your nose.

I have a big fucking nose, dude.

You have a huge nose, which is why I think it'd be fucking anchored to there, which is, which is why I think your fucking big nose should be acting like a fucking jagged mountain holding like a big canopy on top of it.

Dave went to the gym today with us and he takes the weights outside and Taylor was with him and I was inside the gym and all of a sudden I see Taylor coming back with the weights.

I gave up. I tried to do— I was like, I was trying to bench the weights and I was like, Taylor, can you bring the weights back into the gym? Yeah, they were light. They were light. They were so light, man.

It's got—

who's fucked up? Yeah, Scott, just bring him back. You made her— you made Taylor take the weights back to that mouse hole. That's why—

yeah, it's the fucking hole.

Before you yell, before you yell, feel her bicep right now.

I wish they were strong. No, I know, I know that you have to put them in the mouse hole.

There's more to that. There's more to— no.

Oh yes, she crawled in the mouse hole.

You know how hard it is to get into that mouse hole? Dave, your birthday's coming up pretty soon.

Oh yeah, bro. I just wanted to make this clear. I'm glad you're here, Elia. Ilya, I know you're like one of my closest friends, and I know you possibly may be planning something.

Here we go.

And I already— here we go. And I already talked to Taylor about this. I know a lot of people during their birthday say that they don't want anything, right? And like they don't want to be surprised, but they kind of low-key want to be surprised, right? I'm deadass saying this right now. Deadass. All I want to do is just hang out here at the house.

Okay.

Okay. No, I'm being serious.

Yeah, bro, whatever you want.

I'm being serious.

Taylor, cancel the private jet to Miami, please.

Definitely don't do that.

Oh, now you're fucking interested?

No, not at all.

I know he said definitely don't fucking do that.

He's been reading me wrong the entire time. Okay. Taylor, the snow machine is back on. Get the snow cones. No, no, seriously. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Right, right.

She want—

I don't know. It's so hard. My parents texted me. My parents texted me and they go, we sent you your birthday present. Record your reaction. And I'm so excited because I can't imagine what they come up with.

Oh, that's fun.

Yeah, that's fun. No, I don't know what I want.

It's going to be a book.

Sure. It's going to be a book.

It's going to—

you know what it's going to be? It's going to be a shirt with some kind of customization on it. My parents just recently, like a year or two ago, found out that they can customize their own Teesprings. And it's like, and it's like kind of cool, but also like I'm pretty close with my merch company where we can just create whatever we want. But it's really funny when they like create their own stuff and it's like the dough bricks or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, oh, they love making custom calendars. So I think it's going to be something along the lines of that. I don't know. I'm excited. I'm excited to see if I have to record my reaction.

I love it. You like your birthday? You celebrate it? No, no.

I'm on the same page with David. I mean, like, if someone threw me a party, Like, okay, cool. I wouldn't bitch about it like he would.

I wouldn't bitch about it either. If you throw me a party, I'll— like, even after right now telling you, please do not throw me a party— if you do, if you do throw me a party, I'm gonna go like, this is fucking sick, yo, thank you. But like, at the same time, like, just don't do it because you don't need to.

There's nothing else to do though. Not saying I'm gonna do it.

No, I mean, do whatever you want. I don't care.

Pretty limited as to what I'm just saying, I want to lock you in your fucking one.

I want to take the pressure off you and just go, dude, I'm going to be deadass so happy with no pressure here. No pressure.

No pressure in the zone.

All right, guys. Well, that's all the time we have for today. Thank you guys for listening. It's been another Views podcast. Thank you to my lovely co-host, Jackson. Jackson. Jason. Thank you to my lovely co-host, Jason. You're bomb on all social media. We'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff. Oh, go, go buy my new merch.

All right.

My name's Jeff.