David’s Most Embarrassing Moment

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason was talking about getting his prostate checked and Natalie goes, Natalie goes, is that where they stick their finger up your penis hole? And, and I'm like, no. And she's like, well, don't you have to do that for the, for your physical? I'm like, no, no one ever sticks a fucking finger up your penis hole.

Maybe in David's bedroom you can get that done.

Huh?

What? I didn't say anything.

Okay, let's just, let's just roll the intro music. All right, guys, welcome back to the Views Podcast. I'm joined with Jason today. He's a 45-year-old man.

He's feeling good.

Even though I say that, it always sounds so bad. He's a 45-year-old. You're just a regular age guy, but it just sounds rough.

It is rough, David.

It's bad. Well, we're here.

I've been falling apart.

I got all my lights changed in the house today, if you haven't noticed.

I know, I can see your face. It's fucking awful. I know, I can see what you really look like.

That's funny.

It's— wow.

That was gonna be my joke. I was trying to get to that.

Oh shit, lost that train, I guess.

Yeah, you stepped on that joke.

Fuck. Here, go ahead, do it again.

Fuck you.

I'll let you have it.

No, but okay, so what's new? What's new with your life?

Everything's cool, man. I'm just hanging out with you a lot of the times. I got chased by a chainsaw last night.

I remember that.

Jonah twisted my ankle. I remember that because he used me as a human shield.

We, um, there's a lot that happened this week. We surprised a girl with, um, $10,000.

Yeah, we had a— I had auditions to find new people for my vlog. Yeah, and this girl came in and she told a really heartwarming story, and I just blew right past it. I was like, well, that's not gonna be funny.

I remember I was watching the video back and she was like, you know, she was almost in tears. Yeah, like about her story. Story? She was like, yeah, I've been in a homeless shelter for 3 years. Yeah, I just picked up vlogging. Like, I'm really trying.

Next.

No, no. She was like, I'm really trying to make vlogs work. And you go, okay, well, good luck with your vlogs. Thank you for coming in. Yeah, that's what you said.

I was under a lot of pressure to get something funny out of that. It's so funny when you—

and then, yeah, and then she left, and then we called her back, right? We surprised her with a laptop and 10 grand.

She was really sweet. She's great. I was crying during her story the second time. The first time I was like, where's— I need you to eat fire. What else can you do? Super nice. I was crying and I told her, I said, if anything, if you want to like check in with us, that you have my number and blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, yeah. I love when you give your number to people. I think it's so fun.

Why?

I don't know. You're so like— every time we meet someone on the street, it can be a total fucking stranger and they can make up like— like they could be like, yeah, my brother owns 3 Komodo dragons and we live on a farm. And I'll be like, I fuck it, Jason, grab his number. And Jason will just jump in and be like, Just grab his number. I'm really weird about giving out my number, but the best part about Jason is he does it so easily. I'm so thankful.

I don't care. And I know they don't want to talk to me anyway. They want to talk to you, so they'll never call you. I never get calls, like, ever. I never have that problem.

You don't even get a call back?

No.

From when you call?

No, I, I call them. I— and then I bother them, and they're like, fuck, this isn't what I wanted.

I shouldn't have given Jason my number.

Yeah, yeah. Let's talk about the hierarchy around here. I'll tell you, it is Tough.

No, there is no hierarchy.

Oh, come on.

I'm just kidding. I was just— I was staring at my phone and I was thinking something.

I know. How many times do you look at Natalie and go, Goddamn, I wish I was married to her?

Honestly, never.

No, there's no sexual tension around here.

No, there's none.

Everyone always wants to know. They're like, what's going on with David and Natalie?

I feel like we address it a lot.

Like, they just work together. Nothing.

People just found out that we went to our school dance together.

I think that's probably part of it because you guys, like, kind of look like brother and sister.

We do.

We look like the same person. You look—

you look like a couple because we're the same person.

You're from the same area and like, you're like really high-key. Yes. And Natalie's really low-key.

Yeah.

So it seems like it would work.

Sure.

Yeah. But most of the time you're just swearing at her.

And, um, no, no, that's not true.

You got to go easy on Natalie. She's doing a good job.

I am going easy on her.

And go easy on Joe, for God's sake.

Yes. The other day.

And go easy on me.

Most of all, the other day I was with Natalie and she had to bring the chainsaw.

Yeah.

And I was like, make sure you bring everything for the chainsaw.

Did you say gas?

I didn't say gas.

I didn't hear you say gas.

I didn't. But she showed up without the gas.

What the fuck does Natalie know about chainsaws?

That's the thing. It's like a box. It's a chainsaw box. And she goes, I thought the gas was included.

Yeah.

Where did you think the fucking gas is going to be?

Be careful, because every one of these is a bomb.

Like, did you think it was in this cardboard box? I don't know. So, yeah, so I had to tell her to go get gas.

So that's what took so long last night.

Yeah, she was running to get gas one time. One of Natalie's like most famous for this moment in school. It was the 6th grade. No, sorry, it was the— it was the 5th grade. We're in elementary school and we were talking about how black, like the color black, attracts heat. So then she— so then there was a hose. Natalie brought up a hose. She's like, well, what if there's a black hose? And it catches on fire, will the water from the hose then put it out? And I know it doesn't sound like super dumb, but like at the time, the entire class fucking turned on her. Everyone in the class is like, what the fuck did she just say? And literally, I mean, obviously to this day, like it was all throughout high school. Every time I would hear that story at least once every 3 weeks, people bringing that up. That's the hose girl. What? What is it? She's embarrassed. She's so embarrassed. No, but yeah, I mean, high school was dope. What, um, what parts of— what parts of time— we were talking about this earlier—

parts of time are you from, Jason? The '30s? The '20s?

No, no, no, like, what did you— what did you see growing up that, like, I will never see? Like, I'll miss out on, um, rotary phones? No, I was there for that.

You were?

I was there for rotary phones.

Family was poor.

My grandma had a rotary phone.

She did?

Yeah.

I'm glad you You did. Did you— were you around for no cell phones?

Yeah, but I was so young it didn't really matter. What, like, what, what, what went on when you were young?

I owned a gay bar for a while.

No, actually, like, you were around different bands. Like, you grew up on, I'm assuming, Bon Jovi. Did you see Bon Jovi in concert?

I saw Bon Jovi in concert, and we got there and we saw one of our teachers who had a summer job as a security guard and Oh wow, what was that like? Um, it's just weird when you see your teachers out of school.

Out of school? Yeah, that is so weird. That's a fucking— you saw your teacher at a Bon Jovi concert?

Guidance counselor? Yeah, we used to hop the fence at this place called Great Woods for the Performing Arts. It's kind of like, um, you used to have Greek— it's like the Greek, like the same size. Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Fucking crazy. You used to hop a fence?

Yeah, I was able to get over it by then.

At this point, you'd probably just bulldoze right through it. Everyone stand back, I got this one. Um, that's pretty insane.

Dave wants to take a wall down in his house.

I call you, we're good.

Jason just needs a running start. I, I gotta lose weight, man. I can't, and I go to the gym. I don't know what it is, I'm literally past the point now.

I just changed my diet.

Yeah, because all I see is Chipotle around here.

Well, yeah, no, I changed what I get in my Chipotle. I get, um, I only get 4 ingredients now. I get rice, beans, chicken, and corn.

Rice.

That's great.

Chicken and corn.

Agree with me, please.

What was on there before? Guac, cheese. I still get the guac and the cheese and the bacon.

There's a lot of cheese.

You gotta get rid of the cheese.

I just got rid of the cheese. Literally, that's all I got rid of.

You don't have like a dairy allergy, do you?

No, not yet.

Okay, not yet.

A little bit when I drink milk, then I puke. No, but Robinhood— have you heard of Robinhood?

Oh yeah, I know all about it.

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I just want to spice it up.

You're still only gonna make 10% of that one.

I know. How's your Tesla?

It's great.

That's a piece of shit. The last one seemed to hold together better. Or maybe—

I will, I will be honest, I love the car, but it falls apart like Fucking crazy.

I think it might be because the other night I rolled up on you and you had 10 people in a 6-seater. It was literally like a clown car.

I know, you had 10 in there.

That's the most.

The other day I fit 12.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, I did.

So 2 in the front, 2 in the front, 10 in the back, and then it's captain's chairs in the back. It's bucket seats. Yeah, right. You don't even have a bench.

Yeah.

And so 2 on each seat, that's 3, That's 7, and then 3 in the row. Oh, and 1 in the middle on the floor. Hmm, interesting. You know, they ranked the Tesla Model 3 as the most satisfying car, so you obviously bought the wrong one.

Wait, what do you mean?

Well, they— people are ranking the Model 3 as like amazing.

Oh, the Model 3?

Yeah.

Did you do any after-school activities?

Um, I used to do baseball. I used to do volleyball. How about you?

I used to do tennis. Yeah, I did the chess team for like—

I'm surprised you don't go and play tennis now. What is that? We walked by a tennis court the other day and we were out and David saw like some people playing tennis. They weren't good and it was a pretty crappy court and he— his total— his whole demeanor changed. He was like, oh, tennis. And then he walked over to the fence and he looked through the chain-link fence like he was like 7. He's like, one day I'll get to play. And then, and then I was like Grab a racket, like jump in, like they'll let you jump in. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that. Like it was almost like something bad happened to you and you couldn't go back to it. You're like, those days are gone.

No, not anymore, Jason. No, I really miss tennis. I really do miss sports.

Why don't you play? Join the club.

You're at a tennis club, you think? Yeah, I actually joined a tennis club, but then I, I couldn't, I couldn't commit to it, so I just canceled my membership.

In LA?

Yeah.

Oh really?

Yeah, there's one right in Glendale. We took your mom to a funeral home.

Mm-hmm.

She was fucking pumped about that. We took her to a funeral home to pick out a new casket and like possibly an urn. Yeah, she was just— she was actually excited about figuring out whether she should get cremated or buried.

Yes, she was.

And we filmed the entire thing, and then we left the funeral home, and Natalie called back the funeral home and she goes, are we allowed to post that on YouTube? And the lady just fucking started screaming at her. Absolutely not. Yeah, there's no— that's what I thought was going on.

Yeah.

And so we never got to you really use any of the real funeral home.

No, we've had some days like that lately where we worked on something and it—

oh my god, it's— we can't use it. There have been so many bits now where it's just like, you can't use this. And I go, fuck, yeah, nothing else for today.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. And then I have to go somewhere with Jonah to show him— show people his penis. Yeah, that's how I come back from that. Yeah.

And then I have to do something I don't want to do.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's how it works out. What's going on today? I'm so out of it. Are you out of it?

I have a canker sore, so I'm not talking.

You got to stay off the— why are you drinking loads and loads of orange juice?

I, I, I eat an entire pineapple.

Eaten? You ate an entire pineapple?

I mean, I do it, yeah, a couple times a week.

And so you realize the canker sore is from that?

Correct.

And you're okay with that?

And now it hurts. I regret it. It's like on my tongue. Yeah, but like in the back. Oh yeah, it's like really annoying.

Oh, are you so addicted to citrus?

I don't know. And I always think when I'm drinking citrus I'm getting better, but I think it's like destroying my body. I fucking hate growing up. You find out so much stupid shit. I thought bread was the healthiest food. The healthiest.

David is—

I would go—

I don't like to use the S-word, but so stupid when it comes to food.

I would go through like half a loaf, like, like in the middle of the night. I leave like— because, okay, because I associated bread with the coming of Christ or like the Last Supper, right? So I thought if Jesus was eating it during his Last Supper, I thought it was like this healthy meal. I'm being completely fucking serious.

It's good enough for Jesus.

So like, for me, it'd be like midnight at my parents' house and I would sneak downstairs and I'd eat like 10 slices of bread without any butter, nothing. I would just take the bread up to my room and I'd eat it. And what I would do with bread, it's so weird, I would pretend that it was the last food on earth. And I would love doing that. I'd do that in my bed. I'd pretend like I was hiding it from some guy that was keeping me captive and I would like munch on it. This is real. And like, I would get crumbs everywhere, but I was like chewing on it. Like, I was like, oh, this is so delicious. And it would make sounds like I was, this is fucking crazy. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I would be like, oh, this is so good. This is so good. And I would enjoy it like it was literally my last supper. And I would go through bread so much. And then I moved out here and someone's like, yeah, bread's not good for you. And I fucking lost my mind. It blew my reality. Like, it— I was so lost. It made no sense. Especially when we would go to like a, like a steakhouse and they'd have like bread out right before. Yeah, I'd be like, I'm just gonna eat a bunch of this.

Yeah.

And I don't know who it was, but someone was like, oh, that's not— you shouldn't eat too much. That's not good for you. I mean, what do you, what do you mean? It's, it's bread.

Did you go through like a period of a couple weeks where you're sad and you had like a loss, like someone died? Almost brutal.

Yeah, I still, I still, I'm in complete disbelief and shock when people say bread's not good for you.

How are you doing now?

Do you ever— I'm doing better for sure.

Yeah, you look good.

Well, I'm opening up now. I, I talk about a lot more.

And, and do you still go into your room and pretend that someone's keeping you captive?

Yes.

And you blame Natalie.

But now I don't do bread, I just do arugula. I just eat— I just stuff my face with arugula.

You got a lot of weird things going on. Pineapple, arugula.

You see that this teen makes $35,000 plowing Seattle's historic snow?

Oh wow. Yeah, that's it. My, my cousin owns a snow plow company.

My friend Ilya, that's how— that's, that was the first business he started.

Yeah.

So we got like a bunch of our friends together And they started plowing snow and they would go out at like 4 AM on school days.

Yeah.

And plow before school.

Wow.

Yeah, it was badass. And I think you get it for a driveway, they get like $100, which was a lot. Yeah, it's like crap, but the driveways were huge.

But it also takes like 30 seconds if you have a plow.

Oh, he wouldn't have plows. Oh, he would shovel it. Yeah, because they were high schoolers, but he employed like, he employed like 8, 10 people that were like working for him.

Oh wow.

Yeah, so we were in high school, but he was already like, did you ever jump out there with a shovel? No.

Fuck no. No.

No, I was making $50 a vine, baby. No, I never went out and did that stuff. That stuff really fucking scared me. Oh my God. What kind of fucking oh my God was that?

You know what it is, David? I have so many things that I want to talk about, and they're all on my mind, and I can't talk about them.

Why?

Because this goes out to a million people. That's really what's going on.

No, tell me. Give me one thing.

I can't think of anything that I can speak on. I really can't. Things with you, things with me.

What do you want to talk about? Things with me?

I'm trying to think of something that I can say. I feel paralyzed by— and I guess I'm going through— I guess I'm having my bread moment too, where I feel paralyzed about like what I can say and what I can't.

I guess I'm having my bread moment.

I feel captive as well in my own brain.

Sure. You're holding a lot of secrets.

Yeah, it's been rough. I'll tell you what makes me mad is when we're out shooting and you go, fuck, I got nothing. I go post a vlog in 12 hours, I got shit. And then meanwhile I'm sitting next to you and I like just did Carmelita, got dressed up in heels, went out on Santa Monica Boulevard, disregarded any self-respect I ever had for myself, humiliated myself, And David's like, we got nothing.

And I'm like, yeah, but you know why I say it. I don't like to say why.

I know why you say it. Yeah, because it pushes you to find more. Yeah, but I wish you would arrive at the, you know, a maturity where you could go, all right, good job, Jason. I don't know. Yeah, no, you don't have to say good job. Just like, all right, we have that. But know that you always figure it out. You always come up with something.

But I do because I, because I always think like I have nothing.

Right. I guess that, that's a good— I guess that drives you. And I just turn my camera on and go, that was great.

Yeah, bro. It's— I want to start like another channel where I just sit in front of the camera and just make money.

Well, I don't know if you'd like doing that.

I wouldn't.

It's called filming this podcast, dude. We've been talking about it for 2 years. Goddamn it.

It is good. Everyone's so confused when I say we don't film the podcast. They go, why? It's literally fucking free money. Yeah, I don't know what it is, but I don't want to be on video doing this because we're both naked. So it's just like it would— first of all, it'd be a lot of blurring for Joe.

Yeah.

And second of all, we always stop halfway to kiss each other, and I don't want— I don't want to have him have to edit that out.

Hang on. So it's what, right on the lips?

So it's just kind of— it is really a difficult time.

And I'm like laying down.

Yeah, but I better be—

but you know, you know, it's really difficult hiring people working with you. No, what? Hiring, hiring people is really fucking really hard. It's hard to find.

It's hard to find hot girls.

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I always, always screw it up. I always say the wrong thing.

Oh yeah, you're really bad with words.

Yeah, we've talked about this.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

What happened?

I think we've talked about—

so crazy, I don't remember the shit we talk about at all.

Yeah.

And then I'll get a tweet and be like, you guys already talked about that. I'll be like, what the fuck?

You forget my birthday every year.

March? It's, uh, it's in June.

Forgot my kids' names.

Charlie and Guyne. I couldn't even come up with the name. When's your birthday?

May 23rd.

Oh, I knew that.

I'm not, I'm not like big on birthdays. I'm not like, it's not important to me.

No, neither was it in my family.

It's just not.

What jobs did you apply for that you didn't get?

When I got out of college, I, I would, I went to different news organizations and tried to like apply to be like a news assistant.

Wait, what did you graduate with?

Uh, communications.

Oh wow, so nothing.

So bullshit.

Yeah, I would love that. That would be my favorite. Every time I tell people I'm going into communications, they'd be like, oh, so nothing. Yeah, that's everybody's response.

Yeah, but I got a cool internship out of it. Like, that's how I got to SNL.

That's how you got to SNL.

Yeah, that was fun.

That's how you met everybody. Fun fact about Jason: he knows every celebrity and every celebrity doesn't know him.

That was one time we saw Jimmy Kimmel. This is a funny story. I don't know if we've told it, but Oh, we've definitely told it.

Yeah. Okay, we'll tell it again.

No, we saw Jimmy Kimmel at this thing and Dave really wanted to get him for the vlog and I was like, I was like, well, I met him, I talked to him one night and we, we actually— because I remember I—

no, you didn't say it like that.

I did.

No, you went, oh, I know him, I know Jimmy.

I did. Okay.

Yeah, you're like, I know Jimmy. Do you really?

He's like, yeah, but to my— I had dinner with him. To my credit, like, I sat with him for like a half an hour and, and do you remember that kid on Vine, um, the African-American kid who was really overweight? No. Uh, God, what was his name? He was on Vine. Terrio. Oh, so I was like, I, I was like, I was like, you have to see Terrio. You're gonna love Terrio. And he's like, what? I don't even know what that is. And I showed him Terrio, and he was like, oh yeah, that's right in my wheelhouse. And then he turned to like his head writer, and he's like, how come we don't know about this? And then so when we saw him at the movie premiere, I just thought for sure that he would remember Terrio because we had such a good rapport, and there were mutual friends there. And I walked right up to him and I was like, hey, Jimmy, hi. And he's like, he was super nice, but he was like, nope, don't remember you. And then he turns to David and he goes, but you look familiar.

What did that make you feel like? That's so funny.

You know what, I'm never embarrassed with you for some reason. I'm just not, because like, I know that, I know that you make, you literally make an industry out of it. So I'm always like, it's just another story that David will tell.

What's something that like happens like offline to you? Like what's happened to you in your life? Like my dad pulled my pants down on, on a baseball field. There's no one there.

But be funny.

Yeah.

Oh my God. That's really traumatizing.

But no one was there.

Oh, but no one was there. Did you cry?

I was really shaken. I don't think he thought my underwear was going to come off, but it did.

My dad used to embarrass me too. He would, he would come and just like scream behind the cage. Oh yeah, in baseball. So embarrassing.

What happened to you that was like really traumatic?

Um, let me think for a second.

I shit myself at a bus stop once.

I've never shit myself.

That was horrible.

And then what'd you do?

I used to have a crush on my aunt when I was like 7 or 8, 17 or 18. And one time she had to pick me up. She picked me up from like daycare. This was in Slovakia. No, sorry. I was like 4 or 5. This is in Slovakia, and she picked me up from daycare, and we take naps in daycare. It was really weird, and I peed myself. I peed myself on the bed, and, and she was like, did you pee yourself? And I was like, no, no, like when I was like— and I did. I, I, you know, she obviously knew. That's why she picked me up early. Yeah, but I was so embarrassed because like I had like a crush on her, and I had— and I was obvious. I was wearing different pants too, like I wasn't wearing the ones I came in with, like I was wearing these pants made out of paper. Like, I was at the hospital and she's like, did you pee or something? No, no, I didn't.

The most embarrassing— one embarrassing thing happened to me in the 4th grade. I had a— I got a hold of a joke— a book called How to Be Funny.

Oh wow.

And I had it underneath my seat.

Someone caught you with that?

And someone caught me with it. And they were like, they were like, oh, you have a book about how to be funny? You fucking loser. You need to read a book And then I go, I go, I go, oh no, that's not mine. It's not mine. It just was under my chair. Like someone else left that there and then it just spread. And that was embarrassing.

Oh yeah, that is rough.

Yeah, I feel like, I feel like I've heard you say that, but I read that book. Yeah, that's another story we've told before. Just end the podcast.

Just stop. No more podcasts. We have told all the stories. We'll just make a trailer for all the ones we've made. They tell you everything and then they tell you it again. Just when you thought it couldn't get any better, they repeat it.

Do you feel like you're not somebody that, um, do you feel like you're missing out because you can't leave the country? Does that bother you?

Um, it only bothers me because I can't do it, right?

Well, yeah, then that's what I mean.

Like I was saying, like, I wonder, like, I, I mean, if I would be able to leave the country, I would have left by now, 100%.

But you've come back.

Yeah, I would have left 7 months ago. Like, that, that's that.

We didn't for good.

No, I would have left to start shooting in other countries.

Yeah.

You know how funny we can be in my home country?

Yeah.

You can get away with making all kinds of jokes because I was born there.

Yeah.

So I don't care how mean you are to me. And that would be the fucking best. Yeah, that would be incredible.

It'd be amazing.

Oh, well, that'll be a big deal though. If Trump ever to the apartment, see, if Trump like cuts a deal on DACA, bro, and we're out of here, that'll be— we'll do a little Europe tour. Yeah, that'll be fucking fun.

What'd you pay in taxes last year?

I think it was $700,000. Oh, this year?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was like a little over $2 million.

Oh my God.

Yeah, that's crazy.

That's got to kill you.

A little over $2 million? Yeah, a little over $2 million. I had to pay. I had to pay the government for that. And they won't let me leave the fucking country. That's fucking crazy. I just want to leave so I can make more money and pay you guys more money. Just let me fucking go.

You're literally hostage here.

Crazy. $2 million. And all I get is a fucking paved road.

It's like you have a ransom. Yeah, it's on your head.

It's rough.

It's literally a Liam Neeson movie.

I don't know. Whatever. Who cares?

Who cares?

None of it.

We're sitting here in a nice heated place.

I love this place. I'm so lucky. Even though I, you know, there's so many, so many worse situations. I'm fucking— Yeah, that's one.

Let's do that. Let's do a little rant on how grateful we are.

Okay, here we go.

I love my kids. I'm really grateful for This next ad read.

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I was thinking about something else.

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Again, that's 23andme.com/views. Wow, I had to jump in.

I really sound like I can't read, but I fucking promise you I can.

No, I know you can. You're good at reading.

I don't know. And I also—

that like, you can read my emotions really well. Yeah, and then stomp on them.

You're just beaten. Did your school ever do a senior prank?

Mm, yeah, I told this story already. Someone— it's, it's really off-color. Someone, someone took my— I don't know if I've told it, but I'm pretty sure someone wrote 'Shirak is a Jew' on my wall. That was more like a hate crime than a senior prank. I mean, looking back, you know what's so funny is like It's like, I know everything's like so PC now, but David, I'm fucking 45, so there's like shit— you asked me this at the beginning of the podcast— there's shit that went on like so long ago that everybody was like totally cool with. And I'm Jewish, and like I was there when they did it.

Sure.

Yeah, like I, I didn't do it, but like they did it and I knew who did it.

Wait, what does that mean?

Rephrase that. I knew who— I wasn't there, I wasn't there, but I knew who did it and I knew what was coming. And so we went into French class And yeah, I remember you told me that. I told you this already.

Yeah. Tell me though.

I went into French class and the blinds were down and everybody was like, first period on Monday, you know, homeroom. I was— everybody was like, holy fuck. Like, oh my God. And she just opened up the blinds one by one.

Her name was Shirak.

Yeah. Shirak. Shirak is a Jew.

Oh my. What does she react?

Which, if you think about it, is fine. I mean, she is a Jew, you know? I mean, yeah. And I know if Jason Nash is a Jew. I am. And she was— she would just crumble.

Oh man. Yeah, that was a senior prank.

No, no, it was just like a hate crime. It's like, but yeah, like that was— no, sorry, that was the senior prank. But looking back, it's like, oh, that's not cool.

My favorite senior prank was—

um, she was a bitch though.

My, my favorite senior prank, we didn't do this, but I was like another school that did this. They lubed up a bunch of pigs.

Yeah.

They lubed up 3 pigs and they let, they fucking just let them run around the school. And on one of them they painted the number 1, and on the other the number 2, and on the third one they painted the number 4. So, well, then the school is looking for the third pig. That's great. But I think one of the senior pranks that happened at our school was some of the senior students, there was a, there's a school that was like a town over, Libertyville High School. The students switched schools. So like, yeah, so everyone switched with a different student and they went to the classes of the other student in the other school.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

And it seemed like when I went to your school, teachers are like really cool.

Oh, yeah.

They're so okay with everything.

They are. It's just like there's only like 4 people in the school that aren't okay with everything. And unfortunately, those are the people that make the rules. Oh, like the deans. Like, those are the ones that are like not cool with it.

Yeah.

And, um, those people get you in trouble.

I always love that thing, like senior year when, um, you've done like all this work and then they're just letting you like coast.

Oh my God, it's the best.

For like the last 3 months. Oh, he already got into Stanford.

It's the best.

I already got into Stanford. Like, what the fuck am I doing? You know what I mean? Like, yeah, I remember that. Of course, that's like you got into community college.

That is the best time to be alive, is like the end of senior year.

It's pretty good.

No fucking worries. Yeah, most, most people, like 85% of people don't have any worries because they're already getting into college.

Yeah.

The best summer of their life is about to happen.

We sound so white right now. You go to the yacht club, you're spending like all your days there.

Okay, that's not— that's not happening in my town. No, but it's just like, it's just like the most freeing summer. Like, it's just like, fuck yeah.

And then you only have like a little bit of time left with those people because they're all going to college.

It's like, fucking wow. It's like, it's like watching the movie High School Musical but living it.

Or going to LA to do Vine. That was your experience.

Wow. It's crazy because like, you know what, like celebrities, like, complain that they never had like a childhood. Like, you know, a lot of times I'm like, oh, it's kind of stupid. But like, I definitely see that side. Yeah, like not having that summer vacation, that's a big fucking deal. Like, that's who you find out like what kind of a person you are. Like, you do a lot of learning. I remember one summer vacation I got back, it was like 8th grade or 7th grade, and everyone's voice got deeper except mine. Everyone's voice got deeper. And everyone would come up to me and be like, why? Why haven't your balls dropped yet? And I'd be like, I don't— they have, but my voice just hasn't changed. And like, everyone's voice was so fucking deep, and I thought they were fucking with me. And like, they all seemed— I never felt so insignificant. It was in— it was in middle school. Probably a lot.

What is that with the balls drop? I don't think I went through that.

I think it's—

is that a phrase or do they actually drop?

They drop, I think, a little bit.

I don't know. I mean, mine have fucking dropped a lot.

You've gone through puberty 35 times now. Guys, this next segment of the podcast is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's basically where we give our editor Joe 25 seconds to do whatever and say whatever he wants.

And Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. Joe, what's up, weenies? Hey guys, it's Joe from Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast, and times are changing, things are looking forward, and we're moving fast here at JTWP. I wanted to let everybody know that I have a check for a charity that I'd like to donate live on the podcast.

Okay, well, who are you donating it to?

Um, I'm gonna make it out. I'm making it—

No, no, let's give it more than 25 seconds. Who's the charity? Who's the charity you're donating to?

We have a contract here.

I only got 25 seconds. We ran out of time. I don't think— No, tell everybody.

We'll do it another time for sure. I promise. Thank you guys so much for having me. You can have all the time you want. Now let's see how much money and what charity you're donating to. I can't take the mic right now, please. Okay.

Wow. I think he fucked us. I think— Why doesn't he shout himself out? I always wonder that. Why doesn't he go follow me on Twitter? That's what I would do, right? Or maybe he has like a longer plan in mind. No, no, I don't think so. You think he's stupid?

Yeah, yeah, very stupid. Yeah, that's what I would do. I would plug my merch. Or I mean, I think he's trying to be creative. I think he's, I think he's trying to take, take the right foot with it but has no idea what to do. Oh, where to go with it.

I mean, he's trying to be like entertaining.

Yeah, that the first couple times he did it, I was like you. And then, and then by like the 7th or 8th time, I was like, oh, he's trying to be funny.

Hey, but who are we fucking kidding. Joe is the only original thing that happens this podcast. The rest is true. The rest is us just repeating stories. It's true.

Joe's great.

Imagine when Joe starts repeating stories. Oh boy, it's going to be fucking chaos. I think we need guests because with guests you can repeat stories and it's okay because you're like telling a new person.

Sure.

So let's, let's just bring guests in so we can tell them all our old stories and just have them react to it.

Um, I'll tell you what I was thinking about the other day. I was thinking about when, uh, after I did that first, uh, vlog with you, and then I went home and I was like, I was like, oh, I'll never— I'll probably never hear from him again.

Or like the first time you filmed with me.

Yeah. And I was like— and now I was fine with that. I was like, well, he's 20, I'll probably never, never hear from him again. And then you texted me that night and I was so excited.

Really?

Yeah, I was so excited. I was like, I was like, oh wow, okay. And then I texted you back and then I was like, well, I'll probably never hear from him again. And that was like, maybe they went without a second day. And then I was like, oh, this is great.

It's like starting a date somewhere.

And then when I walked in here today and when I leave, I'm going to go, I'll probably never hear from him again.

Wow. Yeah, you told me that the other day. You're like, if you didn't, if you don't call me over, I'd just never come by.

Yeah. Probably. I mean, you know, I don't want to be in the way because it's like I already feel when you fucking leave a house, bro, you're the worst at this. Why?

Now you can attest to this. Like, you'll just fucking walk out without saying anything. You will be like in the middle of like, we can like literally all be like watching a movie and like something and you're like fucking cracking up. You're having a great time and then you'll get up and I'll think you're using the bathroom, but then I'll just hear the door shut and I'll run out to my driveway and I'll be like, where are you going? And you'll be like, I'm tired, I'm gonna go.

I don't want to say it in front of all the millennials that I'm tired.

Yeah, but you don't even say goodbye. I don't know what that's like. I don't know what that's about.

Because you harass me. You'll say, no, Jace, no, stay, thinking something good's gonna happen.

You've been doing it before I even harassed you.

I guess so. Hey, Carly spent the day with me yesterday, our friend Carly, and she was, you know, filming me for her vlog, and she got up at 6:45 And then last night she was dead. I felt so much better.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, dude. No one—

she was like, she was like, I'm tired. And I was like, okay, good. I'm tired too.

Well, yeah, getting up at 6:45 is crazy.

Yeah, it sucks.

The only people that can pull it off—

I'm so tired that Natalie takes your side on things. Stop talking. I'm talking.

You'll never hear from me again. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. This has been another Views podcast brought to you by Views. The podcast, that is views. Guys, go buy our merch and stuff. That's really the only thing that pays the bills around here.

Fanjoy.co.

We just renewed our contract with our podcast company.

Yes.

So thank you, Cadence 13. Yes, thank you for renewing us and giving us more money for less work, for less work, doing the same bullshit over and over again. No, but guys, we're gonna, we're gonna start to have guests. So tweet, start tweeting at your favorite celebs or whatever and tell them to come on our podcast. Yeah, because it's time. It's time.

I know I said buy a third mic this week.

We're gonna buy a third mic. All right, thank you guys. This has been The Views podcast. We'll see you later. Bye.