David Has a New Roommate

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. Jay, I'm actually always wondering, how come you never come out with new merch?

Well, David, there's a lot of reasons, you know, I don't come out with new merch.

What are they?

There's the, you know, getting the right color, finding the right fabrics.

No one's buying it?

That's exactly it, David.

All right, roll intro music. Hey guys, this is the Views podcast. I'm David, that's Jason. Um, Natalie and Ilya are here. Ilya's here.

I'm here forever.

Okay.

Yeah, um, Ilya just moved here. Ilya is my friend from my hometown, one of my good friends. He left his business. He's, uh, he was smart.

He's smart in this economy. Great job. Pandemic going on. Yeah, just leave the, the refreshing recession-proof business.

One of the only businesses that are still operating. He decided to leave it. So thank you. But he owned a plumbing company.

What's the name of the company again?

Fly Plumbing.

Who came up with that name?

I just gave him shit for it.

I think it's a great name.

I just gave Fly—

it's quick. Dispatch it to Fly. You come up with it in the '80s living in Harlem? Yeah.

When Ilya comes up with like name ideas, he like picks the tackiest shit. Ilya is the type of guy that would like read quotes on like Tumblr and be inspired by them. Like he was— he's the one that would watch a slideshow of quotes with like an Eminem song under it and he'd be like, hell yeah, yeah. That's, that's who Ilya is. Like, like his other company name was like Imminent.

No, you thought of that name. Stop giving me shit for it because I knew it would make you happy.

What was the podcast name you had?

Take Notes.

You like Take Notes. Take Notes.

Okay, Take Notes isn't horrible. It's not bad, but like, you're not great with names either. No, not good. But I don't say things like— Ilya will be like, my company name is Eagle. Like, you know, like, like choose like really bold names.

But, but I tell you that I'm bad at name picking.

Right.

I say it. I'm like, okay, I'm fine.

Yeah, but it's funny, the ones you stick to.

Yeah.

I like plumbing. So when someone calls, someone goes, fly plumbing.

You know why I like it? Because it's simple.

It's very—

you're a Sugar Ray fan.

I don't hate fly plumbing. No one knows who Sugar Ray is here, Jay.

They had a really popular song called Fly. When you know the song Fly. I just want to fly. Fix your toilets. Yeah, baby.

No, I know. I want to fly away.

No, no, that's even older.

That's Lenny Kravitz.

That's Lenny Kravitz. Yeah.

Yeah, dude, that guy does not age.

Yeah, he looks great.

Okay, hold on. Let's go back to—

lead singer of Sugar Ray does age.

Hey, food's here. Take food here.

Oh, it's mine.

Back to Ilya. Ilya moved here. We really don't know what he's doing yet, but he's going to help me do some business things, I guess, is what I can say. That's the easiest way to put it. Ilya has been a businessman his entire life.

Did you have a proper interview?

Whose phone is that?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Do you know how to turn your phone off?

I'm turning it off, dude.

He turned it off.

Oh my God, he turned it off.

Jay, turn the sound off.

I just turned it off.

Put the mic by your fucking mouth.

What's the difference?

I just turned it off.

You don't—

you don't know what the fuck is going on in this house.

Oh, Jay, that's pretty crazy. You just turn your whole phone off?

Yeah, he just—

Jay, are you kidding me?

I just turned my phone off.

Just turn the ringer off.

Huh?

Now you're not gonna get like texts and calls.

Now you're gonna get a lot of shit from David for a fucking long time.

I, I don't know how, but he does stuff like this a lot because I don't know how to turn the ring off.

It'll ring, it'll ring like it'll be ringing and I'll I'll be like, Jason, turn it off. And like, and like, Jason doesn't know that all you have to do is hit the volume button and it silences the ring. Jason will like start like, help, like, he'll like start hitting it and then, and then like, and then he'll just like slide it under his butt because it'll be— yeah, but you know, you don't have to turn it off all the way.

Huh?

I just turned it off.

I know. So you can just turn— what Jason did is he literally, he powered it off to stop the ringer. There's a little thing here you just move and it stops the ringer.

Oh yeah, yeah, I know you can do that. You're right. You're right. You know what, David? Thank you so much for telling me that.

Wait, do you like panic?

Huh?

Is that why? Like, I think that's what happens is you panic and—

Yeah, because you're about to fucking yell at me over the smallest thing.

But, but I yell at you for the smallest things because you panic.

I mean, I turned it off. I, to be honest, I forgot that you can pull down the little red tab and make it—

Jason, turn your phone off.

I forgot about it.

Jason throws it outside. Plonk. Jason pulls out a gun. Anyway, listen, Ilya's a super big business guy. Ilya, how long have you been into business? And let me say this.

How long have you been into— what kind of question is that?

Well, no, because I remember everything. Because Ilya's such a cliché business guy. Like, what the fuck does that mean? This is a good thing. Like, he's like the story you hear, like, I was selling seashells at the beach. Like, I was going from one beach and then I went to the next beach and I sold them at the other beach. Like, that's the type of guy he did.

That's what it is.

Like, give me some of the things he would sell. Like, in high school, this is my favorite thing that he would sell. You sold fake headphones. Yeah, he sold fake headphones from China and he would sell it to our friends as actual Bose headphones.

I remember that.

You remember that, right?

Yeah, they were knockoff Bose headphones.

So what were you doing? What were you doing?

I mean, yeah, I was doing that. I was, I was selling headphones.

Would you tell people they were real?

No, but I mean, at the time I didn't know that it was unethical. Let's jump into business together.

Okay.

Yeah, I was like, I was fucking 14. I was a freshman. How many fucking freshmen can you name selling anything?

Okay, right, right.

So these headphones suck, but I got to give it to this guy.

And honestly, people loved it. Like, I don't know.

Okay, so how much would you buy the headphones for?

I don't remember. I think I bought them for like $5 and I'd sell them for like $25, $30.

Yeah. Okay.

What did people say? Were they happy with them? How many did you sell?

Yeah, I mean, some people were happy at first and then they found out. And they found out they fucking broke.

How many headphones did you sell?

Not many. Probably like 4— I don't know, 30 pairs.

That's crazy.

I had a candy business in elementary school.

How'd that go?

I got shut down. You hated all the product?

Why'd it get shut down?

They shut me down.

That's crazy how you remember that.

Another thing Ilya would sell is glow sticks, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

He would sell glow sticks.

Okay.

Like, not glow sticks that you break, but that you, you know, you pull the little piece of paper out and then you hit the button and it like, it flashes. And he bought like a, like a crazy amount of glow sticks and he was like, I'm gonna sell them to everybody. And for the next, like, I don't know, 2 years, they were just sitting in the back of his truck, just a ton of glow sticks. It was exactly like the Pursuit of Happiness, like where Will Smith would go to his house and he'd just have all those like medical supplies like lined up on his wall because no one was buying them.

I remember I finally made a deal with, uh, with the high school where they would purchase the glow sticks from me for one of the football games.

I was like, fuck yeah, finally! Wait, where did Where'd you buy the glow sticks?

Um, China.

Okay, so you bought the glow sticks for how much?

Uh, like 7 cents.

How many did you buy?

Um, a couple thousand.

Oh my God.

And then, and then what did you— and how much did you sell each glow stick for?

Uh, it depends. Like, on eBay they were going for like $1 to $5 depending on the day.

Oh, that's crazy.

Yeah.

Did you try selling them during July 4th?

Yeah, that was really hot.

That was like Black Friday because everyone would sit around the lake in my hometown.

I know, and I'd walk around the lake.

Yeah, and there'd be people that would walk around with like glow sticks, and that was— I guess that was one of you.

Yeah.

Did you hire employees for that?

I did, yeah. Oh, you know what else I had? I had a snow plowing business.

Oh, I definitely know this. Yeah, he had a snowplow.

Dude, it was—

how many plows you have?

How many? What?

My cousin has a snow plowing business.

No, no, this is when he was in high school.

Yeah, I know, but how many plows did you have?

I didn't have—

I had no plows.

I had this thing, right, where like I'd go to my customer, I'd be like, look, I'd be like, what's different about me is that we actually don't use plows. I would say that. And they'd be like, okay, great, so you're not gonna scratch my driveway? I'd be like, nope, we're not gonna scratch your driveway. And they'd be like, okay, well, how are you gonna do it? And I was like, all right, we'll just use men, like, and shovels. And one time there was this fucking heavy snow, like I'm talking like 14, like 16 inches.

Yeah.

And I was out I fucking shit you not, from 4 PM until 8 AM the next morning with like 10 crews. Dude, by 8 AM my eyes were shutting. I was sleeping in the car, and I remember Alex and John were like shoveling the last driveway. I'm like, guys, just go fucking do this for me, please. I'll give you all the money I have, bro.

I was so fucking dumb. So Ilya would go to these houses, yeah, and then he would give the jobs to his friends.

Yeah, yeah, I'd pay him 10 bucks a driveway. And like, I remember the first snow was like fucking up to 14 inches, and it'd be 10 bucks a driveway, but these driveways were like Gracelanding, like big-ass driveways. Yeah, it'd take him like 4 hours to do one driveway.

So the only successful business you've had is the glow sticks.

Well, actually Actually, that's not—

wait, wait, hold on, hold on. I want to go on this plowing thing. Yeah, how much did— how much did—

$5,000.

Oh, you brought in $5,000?

Brought in $5,000.

That's really good.

How plowing—

how old were you?

I was 17, maybe 16, 17.

Okay, and but how much were you charging the, the households?

So I had like a season plan, right, where I charge like $60 for like X amount of plows, and like, like if you did this many plows, you know like different plans.

How many houses did you have on plans?

Like 40.

That's crazy.

Yeah, I had a lot of clients. If it doesn't snow, it's my benefit, right? They pay me anyway.

You take all the money. When would you get hit with it?

I was banking on—

right, but it ended up snowing like 15 times that winter.

So does that— was there like a limit to where you would stop? Like, were you like, okay, I'm not gonna— I'm not gonna plow your driveway more than 5 times?

Yes. So it was like, purchase this plan, you get this many plows.

Okay.

Yeah.

And then, and then how much? So let's say one plow. Let's say, how, like, what would it break down to? How much would you make on each plow?

Well, I didn't really calculate it, calculate it like that. I banked on breaking even, right, if it snowed like all winter.

So you not only, you made $5,000, but you made all the other people money too?

Well, no, my $5,000 was gross. So like, that's what I brought in total.

So you still have to pay all your friends?

Yeah.

How many employees?

Oh, this was really fucking funny. So I had my partner Sam.

Right?

You remember Sam? Yeah, my school. So we had just like collected like all these season passes, right? Like $5,000. And I'm looking at this money in my bank account, I'm like, this is dope, I should do something with this money. So I go to Louis Vuitton.

I remember this, I remember this.

It was my— it was my girlfriend's birthday at the time, in a couple days, or Christmas or something. I'm like, all right, cool. This is $1,500. I got $1,500. I can afford this.

Oh no.

And so I buy her a purse, right? I'm like, all right, cool. So then the next day I got a call from my partner. He's like, dude, what the fuck did you do? Oh no, the money. I was like, bro, don't worry about it. It's coming out of my share. Like, we were all good because it really was like my share, right? But the problem is it snowed so fucking much I owed all this money to like employees. Like, I had to like pay out of my pocket.

Hit.

So yeah, so you lost money on that business. How many employees did you have?

Um, if you had 40 driveways, I feel like you had to have a lot of kids.

I had like 10 guys. Yeah, right. I mean, like recruited from like, from like different grades of high school. I'd like reach out to people, I'd be like, yo, can you do this tonight? Like, I really need a guy.

I remember at one point John and Alex, our friend, went to go work for—

Yeah, why didn't you ever shovel?

Well, because I just, I was like, I was like, yeah, I was like, this is the stupidest thing ever. But I know there was a point where I was like I was like, there's, there's a part of me that was jealous. I was like, there's a part of me, I was like, wow, this is actually a good idea. I feel like Ilya can turn this into something huge. Other than that, I was like, I'm not going out there fucking shovel. There's no way.

I remember people, people like employees would cancel on me like the night of the snow, and I'd be like, fuck, yeah, what do I do? Like, these people, they're adults that have to go to work in the morning. Like, I can't just not plow their driveway, you know? So I'd have to like— I'd have to do it myself.

Oh my God. So you woke up in the morning—

in the middle of the night, bro.

I had a business where I, I did car washes, and I did that for a little bit like with my friends. And there wasn't like a rate, but, um, we had— there was, there was a house in Greg's Landing. It was like a rich part of town, and this guy had a, um, a brand new Range Rover. Yeah, those are very expensive. And, um, yeah, we know. I was like, I was like, I was like 13 years old, I think, and I was like, can I wash your car? And he's like, sure. And, um, I thought it would be a smart idea to bring the, like, the bristles that you use to wash off dishes. Oh no, like the, the made out of like wire pads, right? Like they're made out of wire. Yeah, Brillo pad.

I'm gonna wash the rims.

Yeah, I was like, I'm gonna bring those and I'm really gonna scrub this car.

Oh no.

And I washed the hood of his car with, uh, with the, with the fucking— the— what is it called? The Brillo pad. Yeah. And then, and then, and then the— like, as I was washing it, it all came off. Like, all the, all the soap came off and it revealed completely scratched every single inch of his Range Rover. Every— like, every inch was scratched. And then, and then his wife came out to like look at it, like after we cleaned off the rest. Like, I threw that fucking brush right away. I threw it in a bush. I don't want her to see I use this. So we cleaned the rest of the car off normally, and then she inspected it. Yeah, no, thank God it was like his wife who maybe wasn't into the car as much as he was. And she was like, okay, great, sounds good, thank you boys. And I fucking ran. I never went back to that part of the neighborhood again. Like, that was like, that was bad. Like, I fucking That's like those moments where you're like a kid and you go back home and you're sitting in your room and you're like, oh my God, the FBI is going to knock on the door any second now. Like, I'm fucking fucked. Like, I fucked up that car. But back to Ilya, like buying Louis Vuitton for his girlfriend. It was— it's always so funny because I remember that moment when that happened. But Ilya, you always had like such a soft spot for your girlfriend, right? Like you would always buy her like such weird, expensive things that like you couldn't afford.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was that happening?

It's not that I couldn't afford it. It's just like all the money that I would make, I would like spend on her pretty much.

Yeah, yeah, it was crazy.

It was fucking nuts.

It was really bizarre.

How long were you dating the girl?

I think I dated her for like 4 years.

Yeah, they were like, they were like really—

what happened?

Um, she went off to college and like, yeah, she didn't really want a boyfriend.

What did, um, she won that Louis Vuitton. What else were you gonna say? What other business did you start? I cut you off.

Uh, I started a like a landscaping business when I was young, and I also had this fucking weird thing where I'd, uh I was like probably, I don't know, 10. I'd walk up to my— to the customer, to the home. I'd be like, look, here's my rate. I actually don't have a rate. You choose the rate. Also, I'm trying to like make myself different somehow, you know what I mean? And that'd be— and people would honestly respect it. They'd be like, you know, they're not gonna fucking lowball me 5 bucks.

Sure. I mean, kids— like, adults love kid, like, businesses.

Yeah.

Like, even when I drive by like a lemonade stand, like, I am so eager. Yeah. To pull over and give money to that— there's a kid. I love that. Like, it's my favorite thing to see.

And everything that I did, it felt like— it just felt like fucking, like, magnetic. Like, like the world is saying, like, you should do business. Like, it's really weird.

So bizarre. So it's like, it's literally like the, like, the most cliché tale of, like, businessmen, like, of trying different things and failing at it.

That's all business.

What did you ask my friends? What did you ask our friends the other day about, like, do you ever wish David bought you a house in LA? I thought that was an interesting answer.

What happened? Yeah, so I was talking to, uh, John, Mike, and Alex, and I was like, you know, I'm really gonna try to do something with David, you know, where we make enough money and like we move you guys out here. And their answer was like, nah, we don't want that. Like, we want to earn it.

Yeah, that's cool.

I thought that was great. Um, because they're fast forward to us moving them out in 2 years.

Um, no, no, but yeah, that is, that is really cool. I've offered those fucking guys, like, I haven't offered them jobs directly, but I've always been like, move fucking out here, just figure it out. And they do not want to do that. I don't know why. Yeah, I don't know why they're so scared of that. It bothers me.

I think if all three of them did it at the same time, it would work, but it's just very difficult.

Right. But I've individually been like, Alex, move out here. If you're not working for me, I will get you a job somewhere else. I promise. Like, it, like, it won't be hard to stick them into anywhere, but they just don't want to. They're just like scared of it.

They're scared. To leave their comfort zone.

Ultimately, I think you listening to this, John, Alex, and Mike, you fucking pussies.

There's something nice about staying in your hometown.

No, it is.

But they mean this is simple.

They don't look at it that way. They want to, they want to get out of there for sure, 100%. But they like, they're not willing to like take that, take that risk.

Yeah.

I wish I said this like 2 years ago on a podcast so they can hear this and then they could call me and be like, okay, you know what, David, fuck you, I'm down.

And now would be the perfect time. 'Cause like they're not doing anything anyways, right?

You guys are all fucking losers. We all want you to know.

I remember one time we were in Vernon Hills and we were driving with Mike and we like drove by his work and David was like, he was like, you fucking go there every day? You go there every fucking day? And he's like, yeah, you know, it's my job, David. I mean like it's, it's my job. Like the most normal fucking thing you could say. Like we all understand that. And David was like, what do you fucking mean it's your job? What does that fucking mean? And he was like, I go there, David. I go and I get paid. I get a check every week. Well, do you like it? He's like, no, I fucking hate it. So then why the fuck do you still go there? He was like, I don't know, David. I just go there. I just go. And you just see he's rethinking everything. And he's like, figure out something else. Do something else with your fucking life.

No, because like we were driving by this We were driving by this place and it was like, it's like an office park. It's fucking just an office. It was like a cute lake in the middle with like a little fountain that's shooting up. And then, and you look inside the windows and you just see the cubicles. And when I see cubicles, all I think of is movie sets. I don't even— and when I see it in real life and when Mike was like, yeah, I work there, I go, what do you mean you work in the cubicle? Like, it made no sense because that's like when you're growing up, that's all they talk about. Like, they make that sound to be like the cliché job. Yeah, like you'll be working at a cubicle. And like growing up, I'll be like, I'm never gonna fucking work at a cubicle. Like growing up, I'll be like, there's no fucking way I'm gonna be sitting in a square. Like, that makes no sense. And it's just so funny that like Mike, Mike worked at that cubicle, and I was like, I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I was like, go, just go do something else. Go be a hockey coach. Like, go, go work at the school.

Yeah, there's so many ways that—

well, I'm not— and I'm not— and I'm not shitting on him. I was never shitting on him because of the job was like low paid. Or anything like that.

No, because he hated it. Yeah, that was what you were saying.

He hated it. Yeah, I was like, just do something you like. Like, even if it pays less, just go do something you enjoy. Like, fucking, I don't know, start an art class, or even just clean hockey equipment so you can be around hockey.

But this is actually really good because I feel like probably 80% of your fans, or 80% of the people that listen to this podcast, well, it's maybe 60, hate their jobs. So how do they— how do they change that?

A lot of people hate their jobs. Yeah. But, but I— but also you can't take my word for it because I'm so fucking biased. Like, there was a level of like luck that came in, of course, to me finding this job. So like, you can't be like, well, David, not everyone's fucking as lucky as you.

Yeah.

And yeah, I got really lucky and I found the job that I love. But you should always at least take a chance in finding what you want to do. I think it's just so important.

I love those inspirational TikToks, you know, like, like, dude, dude, dude. And the guy will be like, how I started my business, you know, I did this, I did that, I did that. And then— but there's one guy who gives business advice and he lives in like a fucking studio apartment and has no money.

There's so many people out there that are just like fucking scammers that'll sell you like a $5,000 program on how to start a business and like do ads and shit when they have no idea what they're doing, right? Right.

Have you ever, have you ever been scammed?

No, I mean, not like—

Have you ever bought one of those programs?

I, I have, off of, you know, for like, like Facebook ads and shit like that.

But at the end of the day, it's like these young kids like 21, 22 that think they have the fucking, you know, did you ever think that maybe like that email you get from the Nigerian prince where you just inherited $10 billion is real?

The first time I got it, yeah.

Do you ever think that like, like fucking that should be like a movie? Like imagine this guy responds and he goes, yeah, yeah, I'll take the money. Yeah, you need it now for your daughter? Yeah, I'll wire you $100 so you know I'm legit.

And he gets it.

Yeah. And he gets $10 billion. What if there is a Nigerian prince out there? The first email must have been real.

It sounds like coming in, coming to America.

It's not working.

Yeah, that's really funny that like, that's— that that was a way that they would scam people. I don't know. I don't think I've ever— the only scam I've been in was when I tried to be an actor and they tried to scam me into like acting lessons and stuff, like coaching lessons.

I got scammed once. These guys rode by my house. I had a dent in my car and they were like, hey, we can fix this dent in your car. I was like, really? You don't have to take it to the shop. I was like, okay. And I gave him like $250 and then I went inside my house and they just left.

Oh, really?

Like they, they threw some paint on it, but they didn't fix it. I got scammed pretty bad. Oh, I scammed a bunch, actually.

Yeah. I was in Chicago once and there was like a shoe cleaner guy.

Yeah.

And I don't know, remember this? What happened?

Did this—

I'm going to— Eric Lee. Yeah, I'm about to describe this. I don't know if this is— I made this up, but Eric, our friend Eric, was getting his shoe cleaned and—

No, no, he was walking.

He was walking. Are you explaining? Explain it.

Okay.

Eric was walking. Our friend Eric was walking. Some guy walks up to him and he's like, hey, man, can I shine your shoe? And our friend Eric goes, yeah, sure. So this guy starts shining his shoe and we were like, I don't fucking know, 15, 14, whatever. And the guy's done. Eric starts walking away. He's like, yo, where's my money?

Yeah.

And Eric's like, what are you talking about? And that's all I remember.

Taking advantage of a teenager. That's so funny. So classic. I used to have a friend. He grew up in New York. And he said he would get mugged every day on the subway. He grew up on the Upper West Side and he would just be on the subway and he'd be like, I'm getting mugged because I'm 11 and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Have you ever, like, have you ever been mugged? Have you ever been mugged?

I've been mugged.

Never been mugged. No, but I can't imagine.

I can't imagine being mugged.

Yeah, it's like someone literally just— such, such an invasion of privacy. The only thing I can think about is you do I'd just cry. I'd just be like confused. I'd be like, what the fuck? I'd be like, what the fuck's going on?

That's not what you do though.

What do you mean?

Okay, okay. Take whatever you want. Take whatever you want. It's cool.

Oh, it's cool.

During the mugging?

Yeah.

Oh yeah. I'd be like, what do you want? What do you need? Oh yeah. No, I'm saying I thought he was asking like after when I find out.

I would try to like, like ask some more questions. Like, why do you need it?

Why do you need my watch?

Right? Like, like, like I would, I would genuinely be like, look, I'll give you my watch. Like, I would sit around like, look, you don't have to hurt me.

Let me shoot you in the face.

I'm gonna give you my watch, but my question is, what the fuck's he saying, man? What the fuck are you saying? Stop talking, man.

Yeah, see, like, a gun wouldn't scare me because I'd be like, look, if you're gonna shoot me, shoot me.

No way.

No, deadass, bro. I rethought the situation fucking 100 times in my head. I'd be like, look, if I have a fucking gun pointing to my head, yeah, I will not be scared. No way. Yes.

No way. That would be a— look Look, look, listen to me. I am the captain now.

You can talk your way out of a mug.

I can talk my way out. I'd be like, look, you're messing with the wrong guy.

What's wrong?

Day.

Yeah, what's wrong?

I don't, I don't know. What do you mean? What are you saying? Like, I want your watch.

I understand, but like, we can figure this out. We can figure out a situation where you don't have to mug me. Yeah, and we both get something out of it.

Okay, what are you gonna give me? This is not gonna work.

The guy would be so confused.

Oh, he wouldn't. He'd be like, shut the fuck up and give me your watch.

Then I punch him in the face, knock him out, and then that'd be that.

And then grab his gun and do a flip and shoot him in the face.

Exactly.

No, there's no way. If a gun was pointed to you, you'd fucking—

I think that criminals are actually pussies.

Okay.

On the inside.

Great.

There's a ton of crime going on in this state.

That's moving into my house. No, but tracking all criminals, I think every criminal is a pussy. What are you fucking talking about?

I think that if you have a fucking gun and you like use force, that you're a fucking pussy. Okay.

I mean, there's a way to argue that, but like, if you use force, if you use a gun, you're a pussy.

Sure.

Like, in a criminal way.

Yeah. Like, like you— what you just did is you just called a guy a name. Like, that's what you did.

Yeah. The judge is a guy.

And you went, hey, you may have the gun, but you know what? You also are a pussy. Like, that just bought you nothing in this situation.

Judgment is against the defendant. 10 years in prison for taking for stealing and being a fucking giant pussy.

The other day we were, um, we were driving around because of quarantine and, um, we witnessed a, like, a robbery basically. Like, this guy left a store. Oh, we talked about this on the podcast, right? Did we?

The guy stole the waters?

Yeah, this—

no, this guy ran out of like a convenience store with like a, like the box that held the chips. So like he took all the food. Like, I don't know what he had in the box. Maybe it was more food or money. I don't know. But he sprinted out of the store, hopped in a car, and sped off. And we're fucking screaming at Jason. We're like, fucking drive, drive, because we're trying to catch this fucking dude in an RV and he's like in like a Toyota Corolla. It's like definitely going to beat us. And, and yeah, Jason ran like 2, 3 red lights in the RV. And Taylor the other day just got— 2 days ago got a call from a detective.

What did it say?

And the detective was like, we saw you at the scene of the crime and we need your help.

We said he called me.

No way.

I know. I looked up the RV. He found my information. He wouldn't tell me why. And Natalie and I were sitting there with him on speaker, and he started the whole conversation like, this is a private investigation. We know that you were following this car, and they have traffic light cameras that they saw every single one of us.

And he—

they knew that David was filming.

Whoa. Yeah.

And then what was the result of that?

You're going to jail. No, I mean, the result is We haven't sent it over, but I think they want the footage of the car.

Yeah, he said you're not in trouble.

They didn't care that we ran all the red lights.

I guess not. That's the first thing I see.

Motherfucker, don't tell me to chase down criminals.

What are you talking about?

That's what you get, bro.

We're about to get an honor— honorary medal from the city for saving this.

She didn't say shit about any honorary medal. They said you're not in trouble.

No, as soon as I give them the footage, we're going to be heroes.

And I'm like, yeah, right. There's like, my license revoked.

The fucking mayor. Like, we're like on a stage. And for the bravery from these four souls for helping with the Glendale robbery.

I looked at Natalie, the box of Doritos.

Natalie and I both thought the same thing at the same time. We both were like, is there a cash prize?

Oh yeah, that'd be nice.

He kept saying like, there's a value for this footage if you can turn it in, because apparently there was around $15,000 that was stolen from that, from that gas station in that encounter.

Oh, it was a holdup?

I don't— I don't mean he didn't say anything.

I mean, maybe he used the box to put the money in, right? Maybe like the box he was holding wasn't just chips, it was dump all your money.

Guys, guys, guys, no fucking gas station has $15,000 lying around.

He took lottery tickets.

Oh, he took lottery tickets?

Don't those have to be activated?

Yeah, those are tracked, I'm pretty sure.

Are you sure you're not being played?

Yeah, I mean, he—

I mean I have this information right here. Detective Strudelmuffin. His name was really weird.

Detective Mike Coxlon.

Blake Dickerson.

Blake Dickerson.

No, Rich Dickerton.

Stop putting his fucking name in this. He's a private detective.

Well, obviously that's an alias whose name is actually Rich Dickerton.

Hey, it's Rich Dickerson calling you from the LAPD.

What is this, some CIA thing? I mean, why would he give you an alias?

Why would a police officer give you an alias?

He wasn't a police officer, he was a private detective. He's a private investigator. Yeah.

All right, so then this is an alias. We've hired private investigators and they gave me fake names. Yeah.

Oh yeah. When did you hire a private investigator?

To go get—

for Ilya from Miami. Oh, okay.

You guys ready to all live together? And three of you? Yeah, it's gonna be fun.

We woke up this morning, Ilya was like, so how does this work? Do I make breakfast for everyone?

That's how it works. Exactly.

Yes.

So like Ilya, Ilya's coming here to help us with like, I don't know, we just wanna like expand the business. And Ilya, we, we obviously are still brainstorming ideas currently. And Ilya got here and we didn't know what to do. So he is like, so David, should I start washing the floors? What do you want me to do? And I was like, I was like, go lay down on the hammock. So, so he is like, okay, how long you want me there for? I was like, I don't know, a couple hours. I was like, okay, done. So he went to go lay on the hammock. Yeah, but yeah, it's gonna be fun having Ellie around. It's a different change of pace. It's like, it's crazy, man. It's like everybody from my hometown's moving out here. I mean, I'm sure John and Alex and Mike will be here within the next 4 or 5 years. There's no doubt in my mind.

I think they'll realize like that they really need to get the fuck out here.

My mom did this funny thing today. We were, my bank called and like we were like in the middle of like a business talk. Like, yeah, a lot of business, like, you know, all, all the brand deals. We have a lot of brand deals going on, so we're like talking about them. And then my bank calls and they're like, we're transferring $1 million to your other account. And like, it was like a big, like, you know, like a super business talk. And then my mom calls like right in the middle of it and she's like, have you seen your father's black coat? Where is his coat? We've been looking for it. And it was so funny because they've been— they call me fucking twice a week about this fucking coat. I borrowed it. I borrowed it, I think maybe in November around Thanksgiving time, and my dad can't find it. And I was like—

and I—

today I was like, what's in the pockets of this coat? Yeah, like, what did you— what is inside the coat of this? Like, what— like, there has to be something more. Yeah, I'll buy you a fucking coat.

No, it's just the coat.

And my mom's like, we are not millionaires, we cannot buy a new coat. And I was like, I will buy you the coat. Yeah, just tell me. I was like, where can I get it? And my dad's like, my sister got it for me from Slovakia.

Oh, they're really raking you over the coals. Yeah, it's irreplaceable, David, just like our love for you is irreplaceable. So you should pay attention more to us.

Yeah, it was just so funny to get that call from them in the middle of like a business guy, like straight back to reality.

I used to have a mother-in-law, and, and, uh, if you would move anything in the house, she would flip out. So, or like, I would leave my keys on the table and then it would be like, whose keys are these? Like little things when people flip out about shit. I fucking hate that.

Oh yeah, she'd freak out about keys. Yeah, my grandma used to pickle, um, uh, cucumbers all the time in brine.

Huh, cucumbers in brine?

Well, I don't know, she like put them in cans for the winter, so there was always like a good week where no one could use the bathtub at my grandma's at the grandmother's place because it was filled with cucumbers and pickles. Yeah, she put them into jars and so she'd have them for the winter. It's so crazy because like, that's like so weird thinking about it now, but at the time I was like, oh yeah, it's time.

We got a brining time.

You got to put the pickles in the jar. So, so, and like at the time I was like, I would always think about it like, wow, if she doesn't do this, we're gonna starve this winter, right? Like that's how I would look at it. I was like, this is such an important job.

How many jars would she do?

I don't know, a ton.

And she'd have enough for the winter.

Yeah, enough for the winter to sell, or just for you guys to eat.

Why do you have to brine them in the winter in the tub? Why can't you just brine them at any time?

I don't know how she did it.

Would you do tomatoes too?

Well, would she pick them out of the garden?

Listen, I don't know, man. I was like 6.

I was— gotta get to the bottom of this. I was like 4 years old.

One of my like biggest memories from my childhood was when I was 4 and I was playing hide-and-go-seek with my mom. I'll never forget this. I've told this on the podcast, but I went into my grandma's room. It's I think it's the earliest memory I have other than me dancing to Grease and like taking my clothes off. It's the earliest memory I have. My mom was looking for me and I went— my grandmother's bed was made, so like the linens were flat, right? Like it was all nicely made. And I went under there. I took the— I took the linens and I hid right under it and I put the linens over my head and I put my hands sideways. So I put them flat on the bed and I tried to flatten myself. Like a superhero.

Yeah.

And I thought I was flattening myself so much that I looked like there was nothing under the covers. And I remember my mom coming up to the side of the bed and she was like, where are you? Like in Hungarian, where are you, David?

Where are you?

I can't find you. And I was under the covers and I was like, are you fucking serious? I was just under the covers like, oh my God, this is nuts. She can't see me. And dude, and that And that, like, that memory lasted with me for like 2, 3 years. And then when I came to America, for some reason, I like, I had that thought. Like, I thought back to that moment and I was like, holy fuck, she was just fucking with me. She knew I was there. I was just a little kid.

I love when I have those moments.

And it's so crazy that like I remembered that moment and I was so mindful. I was like, I can't believe I'm hiding under these covers and I'm laying so flat. She has no idea I'm under here. But like, it was just her being nice.

Taylor goes into your bedroom tomorrow, you're just hiding.

That's your sliced watermelon.

Don't move. If we stay still, we're invisible, right?

You do that still?

And yeah, I'll hide under the couch. Yeah. Oh yeah, I'll play dead. Sometimes Taylor will come in. I've only done this twice, but like Taylor will come in and I'll play dead and I'll record it. I'll record it on my camera and I'll just be laying dead on the floor. It's really fun.

Would you be sad if I died?

Hell yeah. What are you talking about?

Like, really sad?

Yeah, I'd be really sad. I'd be like actually devastated.

Oh yeah, he talks about you like you're fucking Jesus. Yeah, he talks about you like you're the Pope when you're not.

Give the mic to Taylor.

Then Ilya will move out and everything will be fine.

And coronavirus will cease to be no more.

Yeah.

Taylor, where does my money go when I die?

Ilya.

See?

Damn.

Yeah.

Oh, you never heard that?

No. Yeah, I train Taylor that every day. I go, Taylor, if something happens to me, where does my money go?

Damn, you don't do shit.

He tried to train me to say that. I refused.

I was like, Natalie, where's my money go? She's like, me.

Me.

Ill. Don't forget Wild and Charlie.

Yeah. Would you be bummed out if I died?

Yeah, I'd be super bummed out.

Yeah, I'd be really sad if you died.

I'd be sad if any of my friends died. What are you guys talking about?

I'd be double sad if Ilya died.

Double sad?

Yeah.

Okay, so if I died, you'd be sad. If Ilya died, you'd be double sad.

I'd be sad, sad.

Let's be honest. You're fucking— aren't going to be sad for too long for any of us. Okay? No, you'll pick right up. Even if Ilya— even if Ilya died, you'd mourn for maybe a day.

Here's the thing.

And then you'd be back at it, right? Making TikToks.

But me mourning for a day, I think, is like my double sad a day.

So what do I get, a couple hours?

Well, you get— you get— so listen, you find out and he's sad for that. Let's go through it right now. Natalie, call me and be like Jason just passed away. Go.

Ring, ring, ring.

What the fuck? Oh, change my ringtone. Hello, Natalie, what's up?

Hey Dave, I have somebody.

Hold on, hold on.

No, no, your ringtone is—

Yeah, my ringtone is an— oh fuck, I don't even want to get into it.

Yeah, change it.

My ringtone is an Alec Benjamin song. It's Let Me Down Slowly, and I only have it as my ringtone because I was hanging out with him one day and I thought it'd be funny if someone called me and that was the ringtone. This was a year ago and no one called me that day, so I've just kept it my ringtone. Anyway, okay, yeah, okay, go, you call.

Okay.

Hey Natalie, what's up?

Hey, I have some— I have some not so Not so great news.

Not so great news.

Are you fucking kidding me, Natalie? This is how you announce my death to David? Try this, try this. David, oh my God, oh my God, it's awful. This is fucking horrible. Okay, so I have some not so great news. I mean, I don't know if it's great or not great. It's news. What do you want me to fucking say about it? Jason's dead. What the fuck?

I have, uh, I have good news and bad news.

Okay, what's the good news?

Um, they, they had the cherry tomatoes you wanted.

No, what's, what's the bad news? Jason's dead. What's the good news? Jason's dead.

Okay, so yeah, yeah, no, I mean, I, I can't—

you want me to do it again?

Yeah, do it again.

I can't reenact how I'm gonna react when you die.

Okay, no, no, just do it, do it the way you do it. Jason's dead. Go.

I mean, that's how—

like, here, we won't focus on you. Just, just, just give me the lines. Just feed it to me.

Oh yeah.

Natalie, what's wrong?

Hey Dave, Jason passed away.

What? Hold on, hold on, hold on, dude. Let me get into character. What the fuck?

Go ahead.

Oh, I'm just feeding in the line.

I have no issue with you. My issue is not with you.

Oh, it's with Natalie.

Yeah, but I'll let it go. Go ahead, react.

Wait, say it again, say it again. Don't react to Natalie. Go, go, Natalie.

So Jason passed away today.

Natalie, what? What do you— how?

He, you know, all those old jokes, he actually, he ended up actually being old and he just kind of passed away just from old age.

He died.

Well, and Charlie and Wyatt kind of like ganged up on him in the middle of his sleep.

And what the fuck?

My kids murdered me?

You're making it hard for me. He had a heart attack. I need to know cause of death before I can mourn.

You got ran over by a bus.

I thought I was meeting you online and then you were just gonna roll.

Side note, we talked about this last podcast, but isn't it crazy how like, like, like the doctor never comes and goes like, how'd he die? Old age. Like, that's never like, you know what I mean? Anyway, okay, Jason's dead. How'd he die?

He had a heart attack in his sleep last night.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Are Charlie and Wyatt okay?

Yeah, right.

No, I don't know how to react. I'd be sad. I'd definitely be sad. Try me, try me, Jason.

Yeah, no, try me, David's dead.

Okay. Hey Jason, it's Natalie. Um, David, I killed David.

All right guys, well, that's all the time we have for today. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you to Ilya, Natalie, and Jason for joining us. Um, go follow us on Instagram. Go follow Jason on Instagram. Follow us on TikTok. Keep up with our social medias. Actually, go follow us on Instagram. That'd be fun. Let's, let's, let's get the following up.

Let's do it.

Let's do it. Jason's dying.

Bye, guys.

We'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff.