David Breaks Up a Marriage

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. No Natalie today, so we replaced her with Vardon Antonian. Yo, it's a big deal. If you guys hear heavy breathing on the mic, you know that he is still in the room and present. Um, could be me, could also be Jake. Um, no, this is really exciting. Vardon is freshly 18. So it's nice to have him here. We can, we can talk about some stuff that we've never been able to talk about with him.

That was a great Bill Clinton that you just sounded like.

My voice?

Yeah.

Yeah, that was the most perverted voice I've done yet. I think I crushed it. Welcome to the pod.

Yeah.

What's been life like ever since turning 18?

Honestly, the same old, same thing, another day, you know.

You graduated high school.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you the first one in your family to do that?

So Susie was the first, honestly.

Oh, okay, okay.

But I'm gonna be honest, I barely made it out. Like I was failing super bad. The teacher told me, she's like, I don't know how you're getting, I don't know how you're graduating.

What were your grades like? Like what's like, and be honest, don't overexaggerate. No, no, no.

I'm, I'm gonna be completely honest.

Yeah.

I'll show you. Because of COVID not because of COVID but because of me, I was slacking. Freshman year, I complete all Fs. Oh. And then sophomore year, pretty much all Fs too. And then—

Wait, are you being, are you being serious?

Being serious, 100%.

How, but how do you move to the next grade with all Fs?

Well, I mean, junior year was like the year wherever they kind of like sat me down. They're like, listen, you got to go to another school. We're like, you— it's to the point where it's so bad that you got to go to another school, build up credits, and maybe hope that you can come back.

Can I ask this? Maybe like a personal question, but how many kids would fit on your bus?

Um, well, not too many.

Okay, so it's more of like a private school bus?

No, no, no, no, no, I was public school, right?

But the size of the bus, was it like a regular size school bus or was it like almost cut in half? I don't know. You don't know?

Yeah, why would the bus size matter?

I guess I don't know.

I see where you're going there.

I wanted to make sure that you were going to the right school.

Yeah.

Yes. But you felt like it was a regular school bus?

Yeah, it was a pretty normal school bus, I guess.

I love that they waited 3 years to pull you aside.

Yeah, they waited till junior year to tell you. Because here's the thing, were you in special classes?

Yeah, a little bit.

Like, what were those classes called that you were in that were like more extracurricular?

It was crazy because I was in ELD class.

What's ELD?

It's basically like English Learning Development. Which is weird because my first language was English.

Right. So you felt kind of cheated there?

Yeah.

What was your distraction in high school where you weren't getting the good grades freshman and sophomore year?

I was working at Jonas Kebab and also I was doing the vlog. I was in your vlogs, man.

You tell me.

I need you here now.

I have a test.

Fuck that test.

Fuck that test.

This is more important.

All right, fair enough. That backfired. Okay. And then junior year, did those Fs go to As?

Yeah, actually, junior year. This is crazy because I didn't even know how I even did it, but my physics class was one of my favorite classes, actually, even though I wasn't even—

Physics is hard.

Physics is really hard.

Yeah.

Most of the people in that class were failing, but surprisingly, not even cheating. I was passing that class like I really loved it.

With an A?

Yeah, with an A. The teacher really— the teacher said I could write you a letter of recommendation 'If you want to go to college.' He said, 'You're really gifted in physics.' This sounds like you're pulling it out of your ass. No, no, no, no. I promise. The only thing that I really loved, like, I would look up to go into physics class. Like, I would wait just so I could go to physics.

I mean, crazy stories, correct? We have— we've said a bunch of stories here, like stories of sex parties, meeting celebrities, sex parties with celebrities. Vardhan getting a letter of recommendation from a physics teacher is definitely at the top.

Yeah, that's the craziest.

Are you sure that happened?

No, no, no, swear.

You were always a smart kid. I mean, like, I remember talking to you when you were younger, but like, you know, smart in a different way.

Yes, he's emotionally intelligent. Yeah, like, he's the craziest empath. He wants everyone to feel equal and happy. Like, he's like, yes, he's got intelligence where other people would be so lucky to even have a fraction of it.

Yeah.

So yeah, you're definitely weighted differently. One of the bits— this is one of the only bits that never made the vlog because we felt like it was too mean. Do you remember this, Jay?

Yeah, I was just gonna say— I know what you're about to say, the IQ test.

The IQ test. Yeah, we did an IQ test with the family. Jonah, Vardhan, and Susie. And it all stemmed from like Vardhan and Susie and— sorry, Jonah and Susie having an argument about who's smarter. Yes. And I was like, okay, let's do an IQ test. And they sat in— what was it like? They sat in a room for like 2, 3 hours.

Yeah.

And they took a test.

And we were behind glass.

And we were behind glass watching them so they wouldn't cheat and all this, whatever. Next day, results came. And we sat them all down. Do you remember the results, Fardan?

I remember those results because— so I started— the reason I kind of like started crying, yeah, was because I thought that I was really dumb at the time. And I honestly like—

that's not why I didn't post it.

Are you serious? I, you know, you know, you know why I didn't post it, right? No, no, wait, let me— before you tell me, because I want that to be a surprise. So, so, bro, I would, I would— no, no, I would always like— I would be mad at myself because I would be like, bro, I wish that David posted that IQ test if my ass didn't cry, bro. And because I remember I just like— because I didn't know what to think, honestly. And I thought that the reason you didn't post a video was because I was crying and I was just like really like upset about that. I was like, fuck, I fucked up, man.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not why I didn't post it.

What was it?

I didn't post it because you beat Jonah.

What?

Yes. And it was like— and you, you were crying before we got Jonah's results for some reason. And then when Jonas came around, we were like, oh my God, like we couldn't believe it. And Jonah was so stressed out also where I was like, this is too much, right? Like, this is like— this is really intense.

Wait, are you serious?

Yes, you beat Jonah on the IQ test.

Yeah.

No way.

Jay, you remember this correctly? I remember.

Yeah, that's what happened. Yeah, we just felt bad for Jonah that his little brother was smarter than him.

You were crying because of your own— I don't know what— I think maybe you read the scores wrong or something. Susie got the highest score and then you and then Jonah.

The thing was, was like, I remember my brother telling me, he's like, the reason David didn't post that video is because you started crying.

Dude, I swear.

Motherfucker.

Yeah, bro. That's like the whole story that I thought. And I would like stay up at night. I was like, fuck, I fucked up. Why would I do that?

No.

And then I just, I kind of like told myself and honestly, my old personality, I never really liked it too much. So I told myself, I'm like, I'm gonna try to change for like the better. Bro, I was like, damn, I disappointed David. I was like, fuck, bro.

What the fuck?

Because like that's what my brother told me. Yo, Nick lied to me, bro.

Jonah, can you hear me right now? You're on the podcast.

Uh, yes, I can hear you.

Okay, I'm here with Vardon and we're talking about bits that we never posted in the vlog. Do you remember the IQ test?

Yeah, I do.

Why did we never post that vlog?

My IQ came back to 30.

Vardon has been over here saying that you told him it's because he started crying.

It's because you told me that I started crying, that's why you didn't post it.

No, we both came back to— we had equal scores even though you were 10.

No, you had a worse score than Vardon.

No, I did, I did. Yeah, we talked everybody out of it. That's probably what I told you. I didn't graduate high school, I didn't finish anything. My IQ came back to like 29 or something.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I don't want that bit out. Is this coming out too? Are you putting this out?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this one's out. Poor Vardaan, for years here, thought it was just because he was crying.

I don't, I mean.

Don't fucking act like you didn't.

I really don't remember what the reason was.

Regardless, okay, I'm glad we figured it out. At least Jonah knows why it actually was not posted.

Can I say this on the podcast real quick? Can we kill the name Jonah forever?

Please. Bro, I'm trying.

The vlogs were 30 years ago. Just stop it.

Okay, okay, I'm done. I'll start calling you Nick Antonian. You want to go by Nick now?

Yes. Nick's Kebabs.

I know, I get it. I have a kebab restaurant called Jonah's Kebab. It was a joke that went on too far.

I agree, it went on too long. Okay, so how did Jonah come about? Explain it. You were saying it— what was it?

Are you jerking off to this? What the fuck's going on?

Yeah, I got my— I got my cock in my hand.

So how did I come up with your penis when you do things that you like? I don't know. I mean, I get it though. It kicked off everything because I walked in, I had it. I looked like Jonah Hill. You're like, oh, you look like someone. I'm like, who the fuck do I look like? You're like, Jonah. Jonah Hill. I'm like, fuck. Goddamn it. I knew I was cooked from that day on.

We've tried. We've tried to say Nick. I have really tried.

And I swear to God, if you don't try harder, I'm sending you to a fucking nursing home.

It's also tough because like, because we'll go to your family's house. Your family will call you Jonah. Like, they'll be like, can you please fire up the grill, Jonah?

So it's hard when your own loved ones Oh yeah, it's like, it's the worst. I'm gonna fake my death and come back as Nick.

I'm down to start calling you Nick, but can you just make sure that your family starts doing it too, just so like it's easier to say?

Okay, yeah, I guess so.

I call you Nick, right? Right, Nick? I do say Nick, don't I?

Oh, but Jason, you also have Alzheimer's, so you forget.

Oh my God.

So talk to your parents about this first, and then we'll go from there.

Bro, you know what he does that fucking makes me so mad?

Oh yeah, what?

Oh my God.

Jason, you fucking two-faced piece of shit. Two-faced? If anybody's two-faced here, it's you, Lorne Michaels.

You literally told Vardaan that he ruined the bit because he was crying.

Jonah, your IQ came back lower than a gorilla's. You know that, right?

Nick. Nick, not Jonah.

Oh, Nick.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

That's fine, he'll forget.

I'm so fucking smart. Fucking do these bits and you'll think for years that it's real, but it's not.

Yeah, you're a genius, dude. I'm honored to have a genius friend like you, dude.

What the fuck's the point of this phone call? I was having a good Monday night. Why the fuck'd you call me?

All right, I'll see you later. That was Jonah Antonian.

Doesn't even sound good together, Jonah Antonian.

Yeah, Jonah Antonian makes no sense.

Jonah Antonian.

Vardan, you're actually doing the breathing thing now into the mic.

Can you stop?

It sounds like you're consuming like chicken thighs and Slurpees. We gave him one protein bar so he could be full, but the way he smacked that thing down, it was like a three-course meal. I heard literally every part of your body working working there to consume that.

Yeah.

All right, what's your dream job, as now as an 18-year-old who's entering the workforce? You got your curb painting business. What's your dream job?

I'm gonna be completely honest. I feel like I really want to do kind of like something like David did, kind of like bring back all that stuff, you know? You know, I always tell you, I'm like, yo, Dave, you should vlog, bro.

Yeah, yeah, it's your favorite topic.

Yeah, it is one of my favorite topics, honestly, because, because I, I think that those— the times were great.

You almost got somewhere with him one night. Remember, we were riding in the car?

I know, I want— I'm gonna crack that nut eventually.

Yeah, we were in the car the other day and Vardhan just like— it was me, Jonah, Vardhan, and Jason. And Vardhan was like, Dave, come on, look how much fun we're having. You gotta vlog again. And Jonah's like, shut up, Vardhan, I've tried this. And Jason's like, it's pointless, it's pointless, Vardhan, keep your mouth shut. And then Vardhan kept trying and And you know what's so admirable about Vardhan, like, liking and like wanting the vlogs back? I don't know. He's just so young when we did it. And like, every time I see a young person in the world of like entertainment, yeah, I just always feel like they're bitching about like their youth and like their creative moments. So the fact that like, I know a young kid that I filmed with and he like wants to go back to those times, for some reason, that is the closest I've gotten to somebody convincing me. Yeah, like, do the vlog again because it means so much to him. And like I've watched him grow up, so it means a lot to me.

Maybe you could just go over to his house and vlog with him just to keep him happy.

Yeah. And not post anywhere.

Yeah.

Because the thing is, is like, I'm not going to lie, man. When I was younger, I used to always tell myself, I was like, bro, I was like, when I'm older, I'm going to do all the stuff David and Jason and all those guys do.

Were you fucking with us when you were a kid? Like, just like, because you were, you were like pretty comedically gifted, like, right?

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

Like when you were invisible, did you actually fucking think you were invisible, bro?

Yesterday someone asked me the same question. Yeah, yeah, I did. I did think I was invisible because my first thought was that if they actually make me invisible, I'm going to go to Subway. I'm going to make my own footlong and I'm going to walk out. I didn't think of it as stealing at the time, though.

Yeah, I know. I understand. I love— this is what you said too when we made you invisible.

Yeah, we did.

Yeah, we brought you back and the first thing you said was, if I go back, I'm going to go make a Subway footlong.

Are you serious?

It's crazy that your thoughts haven't changed. Wait, no way. That— yeah, you've had like 5 years to ponder what you would do with a superpower and you're still stuck on footlong. That's the thing.

I said that.

The craziest part that confused me about that invisible bit is we brought you back and we were like, Vardhan, we were fucking with you. And then we sent him back again. And then he started hitting us thinking he was invisible and like being cocky about it. And we're like, we see where you're going. And then he like fell for it again. And then when we sat him down on the couch after the The second time we did it, he was like, I can't wait to tell my friends at school I was invisible. And then I was like, you weren't. So like, I don't even— did you know it?

Well, you guys, my train of thought was honestly that that picture still blows my mind till this day. I don't even know how you made it so perfect. What picture?

So there was a, there was a pic, there was a moment in the invisible video where I'm like, Vardhan, this is when he's invisible. Like, Vardhan, come sit next to me. Come sit next to me. And I'm putting my arm around an imaginary person. And then Vardhan comes and sits next to me, and Bruce takes a picture of me, but he shows him an old picture of me just sitting on the couch by myself.

Yeah, I think that's what really sold it to me.

Yeah, that's when you start crying. So Vardhan looks at the picture, he's not in it, it's just my arm floating around nothing, and like, that's what really did it for Vardhan. Yeah, but so, but the entire day, yeah, what point did you start to realize, oh yeah, that was just a bit they did on me, like they were just fucking with me?

Honestly, like, was it the That day? I was like, no, it was like a year later, 2 years later.

That's what I'm—

that's where I like, I— where I actually realized I was like, oh shit, I wasn't invisible. I don't even know, cuz like I genuinely thought I was like invisible, and I thought I was like, I'm going to go hit them and prank them back. They want to prank me, I'm going to prank them.

Which is a crazy thought, cuz the whole prank was that you thought you were invisible, so you thought you would utilize the fake outcome of that prank to use it against us is insane.

What else do you remember from the videos?

I remember the baseball. There was this baseball moment wherever we went to the batting cage. Yeah, we went to a batting cage.

You brought this up a couple times. You really like this moment.

Yeah, I really do like that moment. He's so— so David kind of told me, he was like, he's gonna— he's like, I'm gonna throw 3 balls, and if you hit 1 ball out of these 3—

sorry, Jesus Christ, just threw up.

Oh my Lord, I threw up on the mic. Sorry.

He almost gagged. He was talking about sports for too long.

So you told me to hit the ball out of like all 3 moments, and you said the prize money is $1,000.

Yeah, yeah.

And at the time, the $1,000 was a lot of money for my family, and it meant a lot. So my mom was like looking at me very mad. She's like, you better hit this goddamn ball. And I knew that face. So like, and I was like, okay, I'm going to try my hardest to hit the ball. So I tried my first time, I didn't hit it. I looked at my mom and she was disappointed. And then I tried my second time and she didn't.

And at this point, I think you're starting to cry.

Yeah.

Second time.

Second time I started crying because I look at my mom and my sister and even my sister's like disappointed and mad. And I'm like, damn, man, I'm really messing up here.

And then you fucking locked in on the third.

Yeah, I locked in, bro. I just, I think I looked up and I was like, God, please. And then that's all I said.

Wow.

You're a real And then I just—

and then a real benchwarmer's moment here. It's amazing.

So, and then I just swung the ball and I think that at that moment it was so significant, bro. I was so happy. It was like there was a whole crowd watching me.

Yeah.

And even though there was only 2 people watching and I was in a batting cage and no one really cared.

No, I mean, I could tell this means a lot to you because I've heard the story. This is, I think, the 3rd time I'm hearing this from you. The batting cage video.

Yeah.

And yeah, that, that, I mean, that must be crazy, especially because I remember how, how like in tears you were and how much it meant to you on the second one and the third one. Yeah, it was a big fucking deal.

It was a big deal.

Was it cool to be— I'm sorry, go ahead.

Yeah, no, no, no. Was it cool?

Was it cool to be a kid in the vlogs at school?

It was pretty cool. Which, what's kind of weird is so around elementary school, people were like, oh, get me in the vlogs, get me in the vlogs. And I was like, no, I'm not going to get anybody in the vlogs. And I had my friend Sonny and they deported him.

But just because he couldn't be in the vlog.

No, no, no, no, no. We, we used to, we used to always play games and stuff together. I told everybody, I was like, my only true friend is Sonny. He would come to my birthday party.

Was he one of the Musketeers?

No, no, no.

He was one of the bigger dudes?

No, no, he got, he got deported after that.

No, you keep saying that, but why? Why?

I don't know. He just told me, he's like, I gotta go. And then, and then I was like, where do you gotta go? And he's like He's like, maybe I could have your WhatsApp. And I didn't even know what WhatsApp was at the time. I was like, oh, wait, what? Yeah, this is crazy. So I was like, I gotta go. Before he left, we played one last game of booger. That was like a game that we had. It was a basketball game, and it was basically like horse, right? But we would— we had these like goofy moves that we would do. So basically you had to dance and hit the basketball shot. And we also had this thing that we used to always do, which is one last game of booger before being deported, before ICE close to my door.

This is really sad.

Yeah.

And then we had nacho time too.

Oh no. Yeah, it's fucking breakfast, lunch, and possibly dinner.

I thought it was a game.

It was. So it was nacho time was basically we would try to shove as many nachos as we can. We would get like this basket of like 3 nachos and I would buy like 3 Lunchables. Sometimes he would buy 2 and I'd buy 1, or I'd buy 2 and he'd buy 1. So, so we would try to eat as many nachos as we possibly can in like the matter of like 30 seconds.

Damn, so you've been eating his portions since he's been gone, huh?

I still celebrate nacho time till this day.

Damn, you're eating his half? Yeah, he's been doubling up since he's gone.

Yeah, pretty much.

Wait, so, so this one's for Sonny.

It's funny because my dog's name is Sunshine, and that wasn't even on On purpose?

Yeah, that is a big coincidence. But how did you— how did he—

two different names entirely.

How did he— for— how did he first disappear?

He came, it was after school program, he's saying, I gotta go. And I was like, where are you going? And then he's like, I'm, I'm going, I could never come back. He's like, they're taking me out the country. Shut up. Yeah, he told me something about deportation, but I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, right?

Probably didn't know what that meant.

Yeah, I didn't even know what that meant. I started crying and I got mad at him. I thought he didn't want to be my friend anymore. And I said, don't.

I said, I told him every part, even the parts we weren't recording, are like a sitcom in his life. You're fucking leaving? Yeah. Why? You made it up.

You made up deportation. I know it. You could just say you don't want to be friends.

It's not even a real word. Going where? Why Mexico when you can stay here with me?

Where did he end up? Like, do you know what country he went? Did you get his WhatsApp?

I think they sent him to India.

Well, if Sonny's listening to this, there's a chance that they're playing The Views podcast in a random diner in India. Is there anything you want him to hear? Sonny, it's Vardaan, by the way.

Bro, DM me on Instagram or anywhere. Let's contact back. Because even though it kind of bums me out whenever everyone's like, oh, we miss old Vardaan, that kind of makes me a little sad because I'm like, damn, so you don't like me?

No, no, no. I think your new character, your new Vardaan, is so much better.

And also people go in waves. Like, that's like people— like everybody that's ever popular, everybody like has their ups and their downs.

You're doing it right, Vardon. You're like making like really good content. Yeah, you're crushing it. You're crushing it.

Like, we're so proud of you. Yeah, so much.

You're really funny.

I'm really—

yeah, you're doing this thing where you're like, you're like rizzing up girls.

Yeah, yeah. So I help girls— dudes rizz up girls. But the funny thing is, is like I've never even rizzed up a girl myself. Yeah.

Can I ask you about that? Just more specifically about your dating life?

Yeah.

Have you had a girlfriend?

No.

Have you had your first kiss?

No. Swear to God. Swear to God.

Oh, damn.

Dave's going to start the vlog.

Yeah. Goddamn it. Shouldn't have said that. Where's my camera? Wait, what? So you haven't kissed a single girl?

No, never. Do you not want to? Yeah, I do. One thing that makes me, like, really sad is whenever it turns, like, into, like, a holiday. October, Halloween. Like, it makes me sad because I wish I could, like, dress up.

Oh, it's like a girl.

Yeah. Oh, I really like Star Wars. This is like when, like, my fantasy kind of for like the past 2 years, I guess.

Yeah.

And it was like to dress up as like Star Wars with like a girl.

Yeah, you want a Princess Leia to your Jabba the Hutt.

Yeah, yeah, that's so funny.

I'm so glad you got that joke. Wow, you really do like Star Wars.

Okay, put this chain on and stand next to me.

I'm good.

Um, that's amazing. Yeah. Wow, yeah, okay. Well, let's find you this girl. I mean, obviously I'm not vlogging anymore, so it's gonna be tough to find you that first kiss, but you should do it the natural way. John is here. John Castro, my roommate. We just got back from a crazy bachelor trip. We did. It was a lot of fun. John, did you have a lot of fun?

Yeah, I had a lot of fun.

Okay, so we were at the club. John was looking at a bunch of girls, like at one of the cabanas, and John's just like, I wish I was a girl. And, and yeah, I always go to a club with him, right? Do you already know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know. And John's like, I was— I was a girl. And, and my— and my buddy's like, why? And John's like, well, look at them, they get to go to the club and hang out all day and drink for free. And my buddy's like, John, you literally do that every time you go to the club with David. You do realize, John, that you drink for free every time we go out?

Always, dude. I always see it from a normal person's You.

So you take yourself out of it and then you wish more things. You're like, I know I get these privileges of going out and having free drinks, but I'm not looking at it that way. I'm looking at it as if I didn't have those privileges. Yes, exactly. Okay, but you do realize— You're a hot chick. Yeah, you're basically a hot chick. You have the tits of a hot chick and you have the perks of a hot chick. You're 80% woman.

Yeah, you have free rent here. Yeah. Someone gave you a car.

Yeah, you're kind of more like my wife that I take care of.

You don't even clean.

You actually make it messier. Whoa, whoa, take that back. You clean? Take that back. Have you been in your room?

Yeah, my room is my room.

I go into your room to throw shit in there when my garbage is full because I'm like, it won't bother him here.

Is it a mess? Is his room a mess?

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Really?

Oh, it's like—

it's like—

have you been to Ilya's?

It's like an embassy for like a different country. Like, you go in there, you're like, this isn't the home anymore. It's its own sanctum that functions on its own in there. Yes.

I don't have any, like, dressers in there. Okay, so I don't have anywhere to really hide.

So put dressers in there.

You know, it still looks like the fucking brand deal of last year.

That's true. It is the gel blaster setup.

The only difference from that year was there's a bed in the middle of it.

Yeah, that's the difference. That's true. It is a little girl.

Have you thought about fixing it up and buying a dresser maybe, or no?

Maybe.

But then, you know, dude, I sometimes have nightmares that he has this entire wall of LEDs. On top of my bed.

Yeah, and half of them have fallen off.

Half of them have fallen off.

He'll make the bed rock. He— I think he has sex. Come on, how are they falling off?

I don't know who you hired, but they just kind of like put like painter's tape on it. All right, it does not stick. Anyways, they've been falling off, and every time I go home, yeah, I see it. The ones that land literally where I— where I put my head on.

Oh, you're scared that one of the LEDs is gonna hit your head?

No, every time I've gone home, it's landed where my head is.

But it's never fallen, like Final Destination type.

Yeah, well, but it's never happened while I was sleeping.

You need to take them down.

Yeah, why don't you take them down?

Because I think you need them. I don't, I don't know.

I really don't need them. They're half off, you fucking idiot. And I'm not trying to make you feel sad about it. I'm just trying to be like, yo, you, you got— you are on the grass full sibe. You're on the—

you're watching your story from Vegas. It was wild.

My story?

Yeah, it was wild.

It was insane.

How come?

Each story got like crazier and crazier. So like first it's like Mike, like, here's a Rolex. Then it's like, Mike, here's some bottle girls with your name. Mike, here's your name on the wind. Like, I thought Mike was going to be the fucking mayor of Vegas by the end, and he was going to, like, execute somebody on Las Vegas Boulevard. It just got like— Nevina and I were watching it like, damn, they're having a time.

No, it was— it's really crazy. It's really crazy, especially because, like, Mike's a guy from the Midwest.

Yeah.

So it's like a guy from the Midwest who hates to fly, therefore he never goes anywhere. So this is his first time in Vegas. A lot of the guys' first time in Vegas. This is a big fucking deal. Yeah. So like a couple of the guys are like, this was the time of my life. Like, that was kind of the consensus. And I think they actually meant it. Like, that's safe to say, right? That there's probably some of the best weekends of their life.

What did you do in the day? Did you sleep or did you get out and go to the pool and stuff?

Dude, they were nonstop. That's going to be the part.

I mean, nonstop average, like sleep sleep per night was probably like 4 hours.

Really?

I was, I was up, you know, totally late, like 9 in the morning, and then I would sleep till like 8 PM. Oh gosh. And my day would start at dinner. Yeah, there was—

I would sleep at 6 AM, and I'd— they'd still have like that Chicago time when they wake up, so like they were up by like 10 AM.

We were one of the clubs, my favorite club, shout out to Access, shout out to Jasmine from Wing. Yeah, um, it's my favorite club there. And there was like a bunch of girls by our table.

Yeah.

And this really pretty girl that I was like really into. I was talking to her for like a good 30, 40 minutes, which at a club is a really long time.

Yeah.

And it got to the point where I'm like, this conversation is going great. Like, I'm obviously going to ask for her number. Like, why not? She came from a good family. Like, I got her all her facts, right? You can only get this from talking to a woman for a really long time. So I was like, do you have a boyfriend? And she's like, I actually have a fiancé.

Oh no.

And what followed up was even crazier. She's like, but you can convince me otherwise.

What?

Which was crazy.

That was pretty insane.

It was crazy. And then her friend came over. She was like, what really is a fiancé anyway? And then her friend was like, I feel like a connection between you guys. You guys just have to go for it. Like, oh my God. Yeah, that's terrible. And then it got even crazier. She was just like, she was like, are you richer than my fiancé? No way. Anyway, so yeah. Nothing happened there.

That's terrible.

Yeah, but that, like, worries me. Like, now, like, I don't want my girlfriend to be going to Vegas.

No, you don't let your girlfriend run into Bryce Hall.

It's pretty scary. So that type of stuff happened. But other than that, everybody was on their best behavior. Nothing crazy out of the ordinary.

I saw Fisher with me, Alex, and our other buddy Nick.

Dude, you just combined other and buddy. That's sick.

Our buddy.

Fuck off, dude.

That's our other buddy, Udy.

Oh my God, I love that. That's like our buddy. That's like a cute little Pixar word you just came up with. All right, what'd your buddy say?

We went to see Fisher, one of my favorite DJs.

This is when I was asleep, so they went on their own.

Yeah, shout out James. And I don't know who the promoter is, but shout out to that guy. Got 5 dudes in because the security was like, 5 dudes? He like literally said it out loud, like we could hear him. I was like, you want these guys in?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, yeah, you heard it over the walkie. Are you sure about this, Craig? I can see them on the camera.

We went to the bar— well, I went to the bar and I was like, I know I'm— cuz I wanted to be in a pit, like I love to get as close as possible to the fence.

Sure.

I bought 3 waters and I turned around, it was $45, Jay, for 3 waters. And it was like the— it was smaller than like— yeah, it was insane, Jay.

Yeah. So you had to pay for something.

Yeah. Yeah, so insane.

No, I get it. You're seeing Fisher at the Venetian. Like, it's going to be— it's going to be expensive.

I love the difference between David smoothly, like, shouting out a club and what John just did. Where you are, because yours was super smooth, right? Just want to say thanks to Jasmine over at the Wynn. Best club ever. And John was like, and then I want— I want to let some dude who let us in, he, uh, my buddy, my buddy over at the Venetian.

No, access was great though.

Yeah, that was also the best. Guess who I met there, Jay?

Who?

Ellie Goulding. Oh yeah, she was there.

Did you meet her? Yeah. Oh, you said hi?

What'd you say? I love you. And then I walked away. Right, you did.

I couldn't tell her I love your music, like not you personally, but you know, your music.

You said I love you or I love your music?

I couldn't get the music part out.

I just walked away.

What did she say? I didn't hear.

I just walked away, Dave.

What do you mean? You didn't even look? You just blacked out?

I just blacked out.

That is— Elliot was like, come on, John, let's go.

There wasn't enough time to get the word music out is what you're saying. So you only got to I love your— I love your—

It was really loud.

No, he got to I love you.

Yeah, I love you.

Yeah, music, music, dude. He, um, and then we left after the club and we went out to gamble, and for some reason I trust John with gambling. Okay, he lost me 3 grand. Actually, last week you just bet it all.

And okay, don't say I bet it all.

Okay, what game?

Baccarat. He loves it.

I mean, I do love baccarat, but I mean, at this point, Jay, like, it was so much pressure because this other guy too in that same table was, was putting whatever decision I did, he would put $1,000 also. Yeah, and it was so much pressure, Jay. It was just another guy who was just screaming at me too.

Not only were these guys screaming at you, your friends, but a random stranger was—

a random stranger just because he was just like, dude, just decide. And I'm like, I'm not deciding $5,000 worth of money that I'm about to put based on the color.

Do you, Dave, do you feel, um, kind of a little satisfaction when you see a complete stranger get frustrated with Jon too?

I don't know, people love Jon. Like, right when they meet him, it's— he can hold the conversation the longest. I don't know how you do it. I think it's just you're so innocent that people are not threatened to talk to you. Also, like, if girls come to the table, yeah, they talk to Jon first.

Okay.

John just like looks like a teddy bear and John like makes everyone feel comfortable. Yeah. John and I share a lot of like fun celebrity stories together. Well, this isn't that crazy of a story, but I think it's like one of the cooler things that I always forget. John and I got Addison Rae her first win on Warzone. Oh yeah. Which is like a really cool— that's a really cool accomplishment.

Explain that to an older person. So what does that mean?

You know Fortnite?

Yeah.

You know how it's like kind of tough to get like a win?

Yeah.

To get first place. So it was me, John, and Addison playing. Because, you know, girls would be like, I want to play video games, but you'll like never believe it, right? So like Addison played with us. She wasn't bad. No, she— but we kind of kept her hidden like on the side of the map and we just protected her.

We were like, Addison, come here right now.

Yeah. And she would like just get there. And then it was— I think it was our second game we played, either second or first. First. Oh, it was our first game. First game we played with Addison and we won, which I think is like one of my cooler like moments that I like— I'll, I'll never forget. But I do seem to forget it from time to time.

What happens when you win?

I mean, Bardline, you can explain what a big deal is to get like—

yeah, he actually got me my first Words on 1, 2.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Oh, I'm sorry, do you—

you forgot?

God damn it. Wait, actually, yeah, was it on stream?

You raided me.

You need another protein bar? Are you good?

And then whenever I was, um, playing with David, the viewers started spiking up to 10, 20. I couldn't believe it, you know, that that many people were watching my stream. I guess David, because of that, he was like— he got emotional. I love that video.

Did David cry?

Yeah. And then I was like, damn, bro. I was like, David, like, whenever he hears me, like, that's how he feels. Ah, fuck. It made me feel like— made me feel like so wholesome. I was like, bro, I was like, David's a good guy.

Okay guys, I have, um— we haven't done a DM segment in a while where I read your DMs, so I'm just gonna go through a bunch of DMs that we've gotten and we're gonna try to answer your questions real quick. Okay, this guy's from a guy named Mo. He said, "Views podcast, 31 minutes in, from April 2019, April 12th." An OG. Jason asked, "When do you think you'll get married?" And I reply, "Probably 28," which is what I am right now. Wow. So, um, I don't think there is anything to respond to this. He was just rubbing it in my face that I'm still single, which is crazy. Yes, as a kid, I definitely thought 28 would be the time. As a kid, whenever we were doing the podcast.

Podcast.

We've been doing the podcast for that fucking long, from 2019.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah, it's been a long one. 2018, I think.

10 years straight, no breaks. Yeah, or however long we're doing it. No, no, we took off.

How do you feel about that? Do you feel like— do you feel like you would have—

you ever— do you ever get sad about that where you're like, oh, we took the break?

No, no, no. Like, if you're like, man, maybe if I'd chosen a different life, I'd already be married, I'd already— do you feel that?

Fuck no. You don't? No, no, no. I mean, we talk about this a lot, but like, I would never give up my life for anything.

Yeah.

Like, I am so stoked. There's nothing— I feel like I've mentioned, maybe I mentioned this in my real life or on the podcast, but nothing frustrates me more than a celebrity being like, it's not all glamorous. Like, regular life isn't all glamorous, fucker. Like, you have a way one-up of it being more glamorous than like people that are actually fucking struggling.

Yeah.

Like, yes, obviously celebrities have fucking problems and they have bad days, but we don't want to hear about them. Yeah, but like, yeah. You know what regular people have? Even fucking more problems and less great days. I don't know. I never ever got behind that shit. Never. I don't know. Yes, I'm sure that there are celebrities that like struggle with some serious, serious issues. Yeah, it's really sad, but just so do regular people. So it's just like, it's like, does money buy happiness? Like, whether or not it does, I'd still have— I'd still rather have all those problems with more money. Like, no questions asked, right? Yeah. Um, I don't know, maybe I'm, maybe I'm still too like new in this whole world where I don't, where I don't have a proper answer to that. Maybe I still have a juvenile answer.

Maybe you should have broke up that marriage in Vegas.

Fuck, I really should have. I should have hooked up with that chick.

He's kidding.

Yeah, no, okay. Well, do you ever feel like that?

Uh, feel like what?

You ever— well, I mean, you know, obviously we're no Clooney and Pitt, but like, do you ever feel like like you wish you had like a private like job in like Arkansas.

Yeah, I would love it.

And like, I would love it at this point in my life, I would.

And no one believes me. Like whenever I say like, oh, I'm like, I'll tell my wife, I'd be like, I would love to just be anonymous. And she's like, bullshit. She's like, you're such a ham, you love it, you love reading comments, you love being in the spotlight.

Well, actually, we'll time out because there are two sides to it. Like I would never take back everything I've done, right? But at this point Am I in my life where I'm like, yeah, now I'm like down to go be a teacher at— yeah, at Vernon Hills High School? Yeah, like for sure. But like, I'm more so referring to your past. Like, would you ever go back and be like, I'm never getting into the entertainment world, I'd rather just like just be in Arkansas? I don't know, I keep referencing Arkansas. I don't know what's going on.

Well, that's a tough one because then I wouldn't have my kids if I didn't come here to be in the entertainment world. So that kind of just erases everything. And I know you're looking at me like I'm full of shit.

No, no, no, I'm just saying, kids aside, you'd still have the same kids.

Oh, I'd still have the same kids?

Yeah.

Um, no, it's been a fun ride. Really? Because I would have— my whole life I would have been like, wow, what if I had gone to LA? What if I had tried?

Well, how do you—

you never want to be that.

How do you feel when you see, like, I don't want to throw any celebrity under the bus, but like, most celebrities have done it, especially like child actors, right?

Sure.

Like, you always see that interview on like J-14 magazine, like like, sometimes I wish I can just go hang out with my friends at the mall like a normal kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel sympathy for somebody like Justin Bieber. Not that Justin Bieber complains, but when I see him like walk out of a sushi spot and—

Justin Bieber's a megastar though. It's like, yeah, that is a rare—

I think that that level is not good. That's an uncomfortable level. Terrible. And I even think your level's a little uncomfortable.

Oh, I feel like I'm the perfect comfort level. You like it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You always look surprised when paparazzi get you.

You always are like, you're always like, hey, well, because it just depends on the day. Like, there's days where I'm like, I'm popular.

You look like you forgot you're you most of the time.

No, but it just depends where I am.

It's always like, oh, hey, I don't know, just keep working out, have fitness. Uh, yeah, I love my six-pack.

I don't know, I don't know. But that is really funny because it also depends who you talk to. Like, right.

Right.

Like, I'll be out somewhere and a kid will be like, how's not everybody swarming you right now? I'll be like, I don't know, we're at the fucking Minnesota airport. Look, I'm buying a bag of Gardettos. Like, maybe if I was, you know, like, at a college party or something, that's like a different story. But like, yeah, but it is really funny. Like, no, I think I'm in the perfect place. Like, right, I'll avoid a place that I know that maybe possibly will be hectic.

Yeah.

But like, can I go to Target and just walk around up and down the aisles and like, maybe you could ask for like 2 pictures, which isn't a problem, right? People always ask me, people are always like, like this happens at clubs all the time. Like we'll meet with new people and we're hanging out with them and like someone will ask me for a picture and I'd be like, doesn't that get fucking annoying? I would fucking hate that shit. And like every time I have the same response, I'm like, no, like I have the best fucking job in the world. Like, like it's like, it's like, okay, for a second I have to take a picture. Also, even that second of taking the picture is like really fucking great. I'm not just saying this because people are listening.

No, it's really fun. Yeah, you get to talk to people you don't know.

Yeah. And like they share something with you. Like, okay, so like a better example, I love being able to like be a part of some, like somebody's childhood, right? That's like the greatest gift now. Like, I think it's so exciting when people get excited to see you. It's the best, right? Like when we, when we used to play video games with me and my hometown friends, we, there was 2 years where we all changed our gamer tags to gamertags of famous Call of Duty players.

Yeah.

So 6 of us, and we were all named famous Call of Duty players. Like, I think I've talked about this a really long time ago on the podcast, like KYR Speedy, Miss Heart Attack, Basically I Do Work. We literally copied famous— we were posing as famous Call of Duty players. And then when people came into our lobbies, they were so excited. They were like, no fucking way, it's KYR Speedy. And that was the best fucking feeling because you were making other people's days, even though we were completely phony.

Yeah.

But like, now that I get to experience that in person, there's nothing better. Yeah. And like, the perks of what I do as a job completely outweighs everything else. So yeah. Okay. That's a, that's a long answer to whatever we were talking about. Oh, it's me getting married. Yes. I am not married yet. And I have to address this DM because I'm getting it all the time. He's starting to email people that I work with now.

Yeah.

I'm not kidding. He DM'd me March 21st, then Saturday. Then Sunday, and now yesterday. His name's Devin. This is the only what the screenshot shows. I think he's been DMing me the same DM for the last 8 months. He said, hey, please put C-3PO next to R2-D2 and not Iron Man in your house. Please, man, keep Iron Man, obviously, but R2-D2 deserves to be next to C-3PO. This guy—

do you have C-3PO?

No, I don't have C-3PO. So I don't know why this guy's like so caught up on it. But listen, Devin, I don't have C-3PO. I don't want to get C-3PO. I understand that it's weird that R2's by Iron Man, but it just feels right for me in the house. Devin, I really want you to take this off your plate because you do DM me about a lot, which I really appreciate that you're so passionate about it. But I'm not getting a C-3PO. I'm sorry to break the news to you. And then one more DM I want to address, which I think is so funny. I get this a lot too, which is crazy, which means that the people who listen to us are pretty horny. Um, somebody says your old house is used as a porn set. Did you know it was used for several scenes? Not sure how many times though. I recognized the walls in with the black triangles in the background. I was like, no way. I DM'd the girl from the scene if she knew whose house they shot in, and she said they used to belong to a YouTuber. Um, yes, 100%. My old house, yeah, my first house that I bought in LA is being used, um, to shoot porn, which is amazing because my neighbors who had who have a family there. Like, I know they were very sweet, but they were, you know, it wasn't the best living next to YouTubers.

Yeah, so like, they're patient.

Yeah, yeah, quite possibly the worst thing to move in next door after is a bunch of people doing porno production. So, um, yeah, I mean, that's a lesson there, right? Like, uh, be careful for what you wish for. Yeah, be careful what you wish for. YouTubers moved out, but but in, in moves the adult film industry. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you for everybody that listened. Thank you for everybody that's in the room with us. John Castro Vardon, go check out his streams. Go check out Jason's podcast. All good things. And most importantly, have a good week, and we'll see you back next time.