The Truth About My $60,000 Vacation

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason tells me the difference and tells me what he hears when I play this.

Laurel. Laurel. Yanny.

Actually?

Yeah.

Bro, what is it? Guys, that's the—

You hear Laurel?

I hear Laurel.

I hear Yanny, but I wish—

Yanny? Yanny's not even an option.

I thought Yanny was it. Isn't it Yanny?

It's Yanny, yeah.

Yeah, Wyatt has a thing, it's a slide scale, and he can make it say Laurel or Yanny in different tones.

Isn't your son A hot piece of ass.

Well, thank you, baby.

You're always fucking bringing him up.

Huh?

You're always bringing him up.

Well, he's the light of my life.

Literally like you're trying to show me up.

Well—

You don't want me to have anything.

Oh, I—

You don't want me to have anything.

I know. You don't have anything as we sit in this $2.6 million mansion that you bought with fucking making Heath drink piss.

Okay.

Yeah. Really?

Uh-huh. You're gonna bring up what I make people do for my money?

Really? Uh-huh.

'Cause I can bring up the whole kinds of shit you make people do to give you money, you jackass. But you're lucky this is just an intro and we don't have any more time. Roll the intro. Boom, and there was just a little sample of what you get on the Views podcast.

That wasn't a good intro.

No?

Well, it didn't have that classic Views snap. You know, that cold open views snap that we, we, we've grown.

Should we do it again?

I mean, I'm okay with it. I don't really care.

I can't tell if you're doing a bit or if you actually want me to do it again.

I can't either. I probably should do it again. Okay. Was it good?

I mean, I don't know.

Well, I mean, it's too late now. We're already a minute and 34 seconds into the show.

I mean, well, now you're making me— I'm literally gonna be fucking thinking about the intro for like the next 40 minutes.

Well, did you think it was good?

I mean, I thought it was all right. I didn't, I didn't think we had to think about it that much.

I mean, usually hold a higher standard than that.

Really?

I thought you would have said let's do it again. I was surprised because I'm the one ready to half-ass this shit all the time. Okay, roll the intro music.

Damn, double intro. That's That's fucking crazy.

I was just waiting for a big laugh. We can start now.

Okay. Anyway, we're back. Jason's been gone for the past week.

Oh man, it was so great.

He's been in Bora Bora.

Yeah, you got it.

Actually, before we talk about this, can I just fuck with the audience real quick?

Yeah.

Yeah. If you've previously listened to this show, you've heard me talk about Framebridge. They make it super easy and affordable to custom frame your favorite things.

Right into an ad, huh?

Yeah. Just fuck everyone listening.

Didn't have any ads last week.

Yeah, so we gotta make up for it. Cut us a break.

Yeah, cut some slack.

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What if you're an old person and you're like, you know, you're kind of afraid to do something like Framebridge. Is it easy for someone like me?

I don't—

for what? Is it easy for someone like me? Could I do Framebridge?

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Whoa, did you hear that?

Is that the money truck?

Yeah, it's the money truck that's pulling in, backing up. Wow, dropped off $60 for me and you.

We hit it big. I'm sorry we started the podcast off, um, with an ad, but you know what, I run into I talk to a lot of people on the streets and they're like, we love your ads. Yeah, yeah.

I've never heard anyone say that to anyone.

Yeah.

And then never— Tricia's sister said that.

Tricia's sister.

At dinner last week.

It's like, imagine if you're Seinfeld, right? And someone comes up to you and goes, I love the show, but more importantly, I love the commercials that play in between the show. Yeah. Like, it doesn't make any fucking sense.

Yeah. It would be like if you were a murderer.

Yeah.

And you were like, I love the knives that you put inside people.

Yeah.

And when you kill me. Sure, they even like that. They like to be killed by us.

Yeah, and that's pretty— that's actually a really bad analogy.

It's really bad, but the money truck is still here.

So I don't give a fuck. This podcast can honestly be the shittiest thing, but the money truck has pulled in. Yeah, we're taking the bag and it's done.

And it's— it's $40 for you and $20 for me.

It's actually really accurate. Yeah, it's right on the money.

Um, no, no, we joke, we joke, we joke, we joke, we joke, but we love you guys.

David—

David gave someone $35,000 to build his pool and there's still no pool.

That's the beginning. That's the exam. Anyway, that's a different story for a different time. Tell me about Bora Bora. Jason just got back.

Bora Bora is boring. Is Bora Boree. It is so boring there.

Jason just got back from a trip from a week ago. Okay, go tell me all about it. Well, my girlfriend, who is a lovely, lovely lady, beautiful girl, listens to this podcast.

So amazing and sweet and funny. Makes me laugh.

Yeah.

Keeps things exciting.

Sure.

All the time. She, uh, books these extravagant trips, one, because she likes to post pictures on Instagram, and two, because I figured out she likes to keep me away from everyone else.

Oh, that's why. That's why you guys went so far.

So first she took me to Hawaii, but I got you. But you got me.

I found you there.

And here she really took me far, far away from anything. Yeah, anything like a market or a movie theater or a Target. There's nothing on—

not a single person there that would find you interesting or attractive.

Oh, no.

I mean, to be honest, you could have stayed here for that.

I could have just gone down to CVS for that. But no, it's one of these places where I've seen it on Instagram, I've seen it in videos, and it sounds great.

Yeah, Bora Bora.

And the water is so blue. Yeah. And it is, I've never seen water like this in my life, and the whole place is protected by a reef, so the big waves can't come in, so you just have this miles and miles of lagoon, blue water, 3 feet deep of water. We went kayaking.

Is it warm?

The water is so warm, David.

What?

You put it on your skin and you feel like a 14-year-old boy. You know what I mean? You feel young, you feel rejuvenated. Don't I look great?

Uh-huh.

Maybe not, but it is like that. It's awesome, and we had a great time. But then we stayed too long, we stayed like a day too long. So my advice is if you're gonna go to Bora Bora, you need to be one of these people that's like, wants to just unplug and not do anything. Yeah, that's not the type of people—

there's not a lot of activities to do that.

Yeah, no, nothing. Um, uh, nothing. We took an Instagram tour. This guy is like French guy was like, I take you on the Instagram tour.

Oh, it's where you can take pictures, get good pictures.

But he knew nothing about Instagram. He's like, I don't even think he had an Instagram. And then we finished the thing and he took a bunch of pictures of us, and then he said he needed 2 weeks to get the photos to us. Oh really? Yeah.

Oh, fuck off.

We were like, dog, we're— he needs to be posting over here.

He needs to send $100,000.

Yeah, so we won't see those photos for a while.

Um, great. Uh, but I— okay, let me preface this by saying, um, the trip was, from what I heard from your girlfriend Trisha, that it was $60,000, something like that. Yeah, yeah, for the week, because I heard it was around $6,000 a night because you guys stayed at the Four Seasons.

Yeah, which the food was awful. Yeah, it was very Bora Bora kind of food. Like, very— it just wasn't good.

There weren't juicy burgers. The burger wasn't good? You can't mess up a burger.

Yeah, we didn't try the burger.

Oh, that's why. That's why I was awful.

You say any burgers all week? But it's beautiful. I don't want to sit here and say like, no, I wouldn't go back.

I know what you mean.

I'd much rather go to Hawaii. Yeah, Hawaii, you can go out to dinner, you can do the surf.

It was gorgeous, but it was like, you know, you saw my Instagram stories. Yeah, I, I opened your Instagram stories actually the first second you were there, like the first ones you posted. Yeah. And I was like, I was so happy. I'm like, I was so excited to watch him. I'm like, fuck yeah. Like, I was actually very excited to watch like any of your stuff this week. It was— I felt like a fan. I was very interested to see what Bora Bora looks like. And, um, and just disappointed right away.

Yeah, you didn't like it? No, you don't like to go anywhere.

No, I do. I love, I love cool.

You hated Hawaii.

I— yes.

Okay, so where would you go if you were to have fun? Don't say Vernon Hills.

Vernon Hills. Um, no, no, no, I like Hawaii, but I like Honolulu. I like like the mixture of the city, the water. Right, like, I love that.

A little too desperate.

You guys go to Maui and it's just like, it's just plain.

Where would you vacation when you were in Chicago? The lake?

Yeah.

And was that fun?

No. What am I saying? The lake? No.

What people in Chicago do?

I didn't vacation much. My parents wouldn't take me out. I mean, we went to the Dells, which was like an indoor water park. What? Yeah, my friend, um, an indoor water park in the summer? Wait, you don't know what that is?

No.

You don't know what an indoor water park is?

Never heard of it. You mean the community pool? You mean the YMCA?

Are you fucking mental?

How could there be an indoor water park? Why would they— why would you have one? What's the point?

Because it's, it's negative 20 degrees out in Wisconsin.

So in December you can go inside and go down a slide?

It's not just—

but they don't have that in Boston.

They have the world's largest indoor wave pool. It's like the size of a football field.

It sounds like a germ-infested kind of place.

Fucking disgusting. You're right, exactly.

Um, they don't have that in Boston. They don't have indoor water parks and it gets cold there.

Yeah, they also don't have a lot of other things in Boston, bro.

Oh really? Okay, don't get me started.

Boston isn't the center of the universe.

It's weird, we've won more World Series than you guys.

So that's funny. I don't, I don't play soccer, so I don't fucking know. Um, okay, tell me, uh, okay, and then this also happened with your girlfriend. Um, I'm bringing it up because we talked about in the vlog, so it's public knowledge. Yes, you guys broke up.

Yeah, can I call a lifeline right now and have Trisha on the line while I explain this story?

Um, why, will she kill you?

She's gonna fucking kill me, but Yeah, we—

I'm gonna take her side. I'll take her side.

Okay, fine. It's fine, you can take her side. Yeah, she broke up with me, uh, last week, and, uh, we— we— she asked me not to say anything until, uh, her Bora Bora and her party was over.

Sure, sure.

I wasn't gonna go to Bora Bora, and then I was like, all right, well, whatever.

Yeah, because it's a big trip and it was a big party, so you can't just cancel it even though you broke up.

One night she was like Did you text anyone? First of all, we broke it up.

You broke up, right?

Yeah.

And right now you're back together, which is—

you're back together as of now.

Yeah.

And maybe after this podcast we won't be.

Yeah.

But that's what's exciting.

It's great. It's fucking wonderful.

That's what keeps your vlog going.

But my question is, when she broke up with you, yeah, what did you think?

I was really sad. Yeah, I was really upset.

Did you cry?

I don't know if I cried, but I was very, very upset. Yeah, yeah, I was like really mad.

Okay, and then she asked you, did you text anybody when you guys broke up?

Yeah.

And you said yes, I did.

I said yeah, I was honest. I said, oh yeah, no, I didn't text anyone. Randomly, two girls that I've never met before texted me that night.

Fucking crazy.

Girls that I had talked to that don't live in—

like Tinder girls or something like that.

Yeah, they don't even— yeah, they like maybe they may be on Instagram or whatever.

And you responded to them?

Yeah, like before I was dating Trisha, I was like— I would talk to them and be like, oh yeah, if you want to hang out.

Sure, sure.

Someone's like, hey, I wanted to make like a video, and I'd be like, yeah, cool, you're hot. All right, maybe like back then I was so desperate for any kind of woman.

Yeah, that—

and I'd be like, yeah, back then. Well, I'm not now. I have a girlfriend.

Yeah, I know.

But no, but I— sure, I still am desperate, of course. So then, uh, so, and then randomly the same night they both texted me and they were like, hey, when are you— what's going on? How are you? Oh, what's up?

And then two women texted you on the same night?

Yeah, I got a text today from a woman I've never heard of, I've never met in my life.

Bullshit. There's something fishy going on, David.

There, there is absolutely 100%.

I, I've known you for 3 years and there have never been a woman that has texted you.

They text me all the time. Bullshit. Just don't talk to you about it.

Yes, to help with Wyatt's friend's homework.

No, I get texts from random chicks.

Yeah, random chicks. Look at you, David. Look at you on your high horse.

I, I think chicks— I do.

Hey, look, I'm Jason and I call the girls I talk to babes.

I didn't call them babes, I called them chicks.

Um, no, okay, whatever.

But yeah, so that, that's what happened. And then I, I texted back. I was like, um, one of them was like, hey, like, you know, uh, when are you around? I'm coming to town. And, uh, and I texted back like, hey, what's up? And then, uh, and then the other one was like, hey, I'm coming to town, um, do you want to hang out sometime? Yeah, do you want to hang out? And she said, are you, are you still in a relationship? And I said, no, actually we broke up.

Oh.

And that was it. And I said, oh yeah, hit me up when you're in town. That was it.

Oh, okay.

Literally, like, I, I, I was so Like, it so was like nothing. It was so like, and then, oh yeah, I'll never hear from them, just like I never heard from them a year ago when I was—

Yes. Yeah. And that made Trisha angry. Yeah. And then you guys got into a fight where she was running around the room naked screaming.

Yeah.

Yeah. And it's like so funny because when you described it to me, I could imagine it. I could imagine it.

Yeah, she was really upset.

I don't know why that's like so weird, but like, I, I was, I was sitting next to I think like Josh, and he was watching.

You can't imagine it, huh?

That's the thing. I was sitting next to Josh or someone, and he was watching the vlog where she was like— where you were explaining that she was running around naked screaming at you, and he was like, why can I imagine that so vividly?

Well, she hates clothes.

Yeah, that's why. I think it's because everyone in this friend group has seen her naked, so it's a lot easier to—

yeah, because all my perverted friends look her up on Pornhub.

Okay, don't bring this up.

Okay.

You don't bring this up. You know why? I was thinking about that the last day, the other day. And OK, if you guys don't follow along with this podcast, we looked up Jason's girlfriend on Pornhub.

I didn't.

No, no, a bunch of us did.

Sure.

Because that's her job, basically, is she's in that industry. She takes her clothes off, whatever. And your argument was, how would you like it if I looked up Liza's stuff and I started jerking off to it?

Right.

Such a horrible argument because first of all, Liza doesn't do what Trisha does, and second of all, none of us were fucking jerking off to it. And that's what you said. I don't know that. Okay, you're right. I don't know.

One of our friends might have been. One of our friends signed up.

One of our— one of our friends is subscribed to, uh, subscribed to Trisha's naked account, um, Patreon, which is where she posts nudes of herself. I don't know, I don't want to get into it because it's gross. Can I tell you something crazy?

Please tell me.

The best day of my life happened the other day.

When you got the hoverboard?

No, I was at Ralph's. Ralph's is a grocery—

I love this story already.

I was like, I was at Ralph's, it's a grocery store. Just when I thought, um, life couldn't get any better, the strawberries looked ripe. Yeah, everything looked great.

Hey, you love strawberries.

I was just walking around the aisles. Yeah, I saw a guy with AirPods. Yeah, so I'm like, this guy's weird, he has AirPods inside Ralph's. What is he doing? Is he in the middle of a run? Okay, so I looked him in the eyes And I was like, wow, this guy has beautiful blue eyes. And I was like, oh my god, I know who this is. It was Bradley Cooper.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah.

No way.

How cool.

That was the best day of your life?

Best day of my life. And then he comes up to me and he goes, I really enjoy your stuff. My kids are big fans.

He doesn't have kids.

Damn it.

And then you dropped out of your fantasy.

Yeah, I may have fabricated the second half of the story.

Sir, please don't squeeze the cantaloupe so hard.

No, but Liza and I did this I did see Bradley Cooper there. It was cool.

Did you say hi or anything?

No, no, fuck no. I had a camera.

He doesn't seem approachable.

No, not at all.

Not at all.

No, no, no.

I've seen him at a couple events and it's like, yeah, especially at Ralph's, and it was like 11 PM.

And my question is, why does a guy like that go to a grocery store? Like, that guy, that guy's—

he needs food.

Yeah, but that's like the last guy that would go to a grocery store.

Like, yeah, you figure he has an assistant.

You know what, that's what it is. I think that's the time to find—

I'm not sure Bradley Cooper's ever been approachable, but even before he was like mega famous I think he was sort of high on his horse.

You know why he was in Ralph's at that time is because assistants usually don't work that late. So I think that's the best time to find a celebrity at a grocery store is after like 10 p.m. when the assistants are off and they need a midnight snack and it's not in their cabinet. That's when they're going to go last second to Ralph's.

So cute with celebrities. You like get excited about celebrities.

I get—

you get so excited.

I saw the guy who made Chia Pets in person. And I fucking literally lost my nut.

How do you know that, who that is?

Because someone said, he's like, yeah, that guy started Chia Pets, and you were excited to see him. Yeah, I could have— the guy could have been fucking with me, could have not been the guy that made Chia Pets, but I get so excited about like being in a room with people that have done things. Yeah, it's fucking— it's the best.

Been in a big movie like Avengers or created an infomercial product that took over the world.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah, he's in Avengers.

Yeah, he is.

He's in Guardians of the Galaxy.

He's also in Avengers.

Is he?

Yeah, he's a little squirrel.

He's not a squirrel.

He's the raccoon.

He's the raccoon, you dick.

Yeah, whatever. Squirrel, raccoon. Not another ad already.

Yeah, we got—

Dave, don't.

Bro, the old money truck pulled out.

Don't, don't.

The reason I'm reading these ads so quickly is because we're at 1% on the computer.

Oh, we got to get a— we got to get a thing.

OK, I'm going to get a charger. You talk to the audience.

All right.

About why the fuck your feet are so dirty. Go.

Well, I was, I came from Bora Bora today and I wore, I'm too cheap to buy sandals, I've been wearing these flip-flops all day. So they're not that dirty. Yeah, they're pretty dirty. And you know what, Liza's in the other room and she won't come on the podcast, which is bullshit.

Keep talking, keep talking.

And I just wanna say, I've asked Liza to be the guest on the show many times. And she's just not interested.

Dude, fuck, we should have done this at the beginning of the show. I'm back, what's up?

What?

Computer's charging.

We're—

we've officially announced the Views Tour. We should have—

oh shoot, we should have opened with that.

Yeah, we should have been like, hey, we're going on a fucking tour. Yeah, we fucked up with the first— the fucking shitty intro, and now we're here.

This might be the worst podcast yet.

This is—

this is really bad.

We're going—

this is the kind of podcast that'll take your shorty award away.

This is— yeah, this is the type of podcast that will— where the money truck will come in and take stuff from you.

Yeah, we're going on tour. 9 cities, guys.

9 cities. And I know a lot of people listen to this part of the podcast and they kind of glaze over it. Do you know what I mean? Because it's like, oh, it's a tour. I never go to shows, whatever. Fuck it. I'm ignoring it. But this isn't like a normal show. This is a lot more laid back and not as entertaining. So come to it because it's going to feel more like you're hanging out with us rather than like Taylor Swift on a stage doing something talented.

Right.

But there's like a cool hangout session.

There's a lot of cool things that happen in the live show. Like, it's not just— it's not just like we're just recording. Like, David brings out animals, Scott performs.

Oh, maybe. I don't know about animals.

I do jokes.

I do jokes.

Um, Zane comes out, does a little bit.

Zane does a bit where he washes— he washes Jason's feet.

Maybe Heath will do one of his new songs.

Jason, we should do a bit on the podcast live show where people wash your feet.

Watch or wash? Wash. Wash my feet? Yeah, dude, I had a pedicure in Bora Bora.

And then what, a fucking— you stepped in dog shit, bro?

I can't— I came from halfway around the world to do this podcast for you. I think you can Put up with my feet a little bit.

Did you run barefoot? I have to go, I have to run.

I ran a Kenyan marathon on my way.

Um, no, but yeah, go buy tickets to the tour. It's viewstour.com. Buy some tickets.

Um, now we're kicking it off in Boston, my home city.

Yeah, his home city.

My mom will be in the audience. Last time we were in Boston, David put a snake on my mom.

I brought his mom up to the stage, so probably bring her up on stage again because she's the best.

Maybe we should stay— should we stay at my mom's, all 6 of us?

We should go to dinner there and dress up nicely because for years now I've been wearing the Black Tux to all of my special events and weddings. The Black Tux never gets old to me because they always have new and exciting styles for my big event. Guys, for this, um, for this ad read, I'm gonna, um, give you random facts about myself. Cool. Whether you're going for a stylist-selected outfit or building a custom look, the Black Tux has tons of new suits and tuxedos to choose from your big spring event.

Hair looks like a bird's nest right now.

Okay, Jason's gonna give the fun facts and I'm just gonna read. The Black Tux is always changing up their looks, making it fun to try out different suits and tuxedos.

Strangely feminine today with black socks.

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It's not going to grow— it's not going to grow old gracefully.

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So much sadness inside, and that's why he lashes out at everyone else.

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Made fun of Scott's Apple Watch for months, then went out and bought an Apple Watch.

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Cares about only himself and no one else.

But I do care about you guys because you can get $20 off your first purchase by visiting theblacktux.com/views. That's theblacktux.com/views for $20 off your purchase. The Black Tux premium rental suits and tuxedos delivered. We are going to have one more ad after this later in the show, and I will be giving you the fun facts while Jason reads.

That's not good.

I mean, I don't know.

What did you do while I was gone? You know, Trisha and I were in Bora Bora. Genuinely. And by the way, let me just say, yeah, Trisha was— we had that one fight and we did not fight the entire time.

Oh no, I believe you.

Yes, I threatened to leave, and yes, I thought she was going to kill me in the middle of the night.

Yes.

And yes, I couldn't vlog the fight because she was nude, but we had a great time.

Yeah, yeah.

And when I say— and when I say we were bored at the end of— she was bored too by the last day. So I just want to make that clear.

I get that.

Goddamn, I hate that she listens, 'cause now I know she's gonna, she literally said to me right before we started recording, don't say anything mean on the podcast, please.

I'll fucking kill you. Okay, this girl named Hope wrote in and she said, I've been grounded since October for going to a party, sneaking out, smoking weed, and skipping school. I know skipping school, I was in the wrong because, you know, education, and for going to this party, but they hate all my friends. Her parents. And I'm not allowed out of the house, and they pulled me out of school. They hate talking to me, and when they do, all they do is yell at me and will not listen to me. And because I'm stuck in my house, I can't do anything. So I've been kind of stressed, and I've had my plug throw me weed through my window. They caught me, but they're so passive-aggressive, so they'll wait until I fuck up again, which is when they explode. And IDK what to do to them to get them to talk to me.

You know, I watched this documentary on Netflix called Wild Wild Country, and it's about a cult. Yeah, and it, you know, it collects a lot of people who just don't fit in with society. And eventually, you know, they reached out to you. They—

yeah, they sent you an email.

The thing is, Hope, is you, you've got to be the bigger person here. You can't keep making mistakes and expect to get the same results.

You know what your number one mistake is? Is getting caught. How the fuck do they catch your plug throwing you weed through the window. Like, Hope, wake up.

They're 16. Of course, like, you know, the guy's gonna make some noise.

Well, Hope didn't say how old she is.

I thought she said she's 16.

No, she didn't say. She's just grounded.

Um, but stop fucking up, Hope. I mean, listen, you can't skip school, you can't smoke weed, it's illegal. So fucking, you know, you've got to do the work here. This whole society that we live in blames other people. My parents this, my parents this. I'm sure your parents are assholes. They probably are, no doubt, but don't make it worse by skipping school.

And that's silly. You know what's tricky about school is whether it's the worst time or the best time of your life, go to it because you'll never ever have to do it again after you're done with it.

Yeah, that's right.

So go to fucking school.

Trisha and I had a huge argument about college. She was like, "Fucking college, what a waste of time. That's so dumb." And I was like, "No, I was glad I went to college. I have that time." And yes, I don't do anything with my degree, but I made my— I met my best friend there.

And don't smoke weed. So many better drugs out there. No, don't smoke weed. Don't do drugs. It's so— I don't— I'm not even doing this to like suck up to parents listening to this shit, but it's just like, it's just like there's really no point. It's not that you can have— you can have so much fun without it.

Even Todd is 21 days sober now.

24 days. 24 days. Yeah, our friend Todd, who's an alcoholic, is, um, is And he hasn't had sex in that time either.

What do you mean?

Yeah, I know, I know. That fucked me up too when I heard that.

What's Corinna doing over there?

Nothing.

She's just hanging out.

She's keeping him on a short leash. Todd hasn't had sex or hasn't had a sip of alcohol in 24 days.

Wow, I can't believe we're not interviewing him right now. Yeah, well, why haven't you interviewed him for his vlog?

Because he's locked himself into his room. Oh yeah, so we can't speak to him.

You know what's really funny is he's 24 days sober But he was like drunk for the entire 2018 so far.

Yes, you're right.

So we'll see what happens.

This is very much needed. Okay, anyway, Hope, you got this.

Yeah, just Hope, just for your sake, just worry about yourself, do what's right, do the right thing for you, not 'cause your parents want you to, but just stop smoking pot. And they pulled her out of school, I don't know why they did that, that was dumb.

Well, Hope must be sugarcoated. Sugarcoating this shit. There must be something serious going on. I think it's because she's skipping so much class that they're, that they're getting so much, so many calls from the teacher that they're just like, fuck this, we're not wasting our money on this. It could be a private school.

I don't understand, if she's skipping school, why are they pulling her out of school? They need to put her in school.

Yeah, you're right.

These questions are so hard to answer.

Here's another one.

You know, we don't get enough information.

Here's the last one. Hi, I'm Katie. Please don't say my name. Okay. Hi, I'm Amber. I'm 17 and I live in England. I am bisexual and currently dating a girl. We have been going out for 9 months now. I have been out to everyone except my family for about 5 years now.

Holy cow, she's been out since she was 11?

Since she was 12. No, that's not why I'm holy cowing. I'm holy cowing because for 5 years now she's told everyone except her family. She said, I just don't know what to say. I would love to speak freely about me and my girlfriend to my parents, but I feel like I choke up when I even think about telling them. It really gets me down sometimes. My parents aren't homophobic and wouldn't throw me— and wouldn't throw me out. I just know they would make awkward comments about it. What should I do? P.S. Love you guys.

I had some— I had someone in my life who was gay, and they were gay until they were about 20. They didn't—

they were gay about 25, huh? I thought they decided, I don't want to be gay anymore.

No, no. And and we all knew they were gay, and they had a boyfriend who was their friend.

Sure.

And we all just went along with it. Like, you don't know what it was like when I was my age, like before the '90s. Being gay was like, that was really taboo.

Sure, but I think, first of all, Katie, I have a feeling—

But they probably know is my point.

Yeah, Katie, I have a feeling your family knows.

Yeah, I'm sure they know.

Your family would have to be really blind to not know that you've been dating someone for 9 months and that you're bisexual.

From— if you— Katie, if you think about it from the other side of your family, they're probably waiting for you to be clear about it, but they don't want to come to you and be like, are you gay? Are you gay? Are you gay? Because then maybe you're not.

And then also, Katie, I'm gonna take a different angle. I've heard, um, I've— I, I once had a friend and I was just like I was curious. I knew she was gay, right? I knew she liked girls, but I was always like, why? I would tell other friends and I'm like, why hasn't she come out to us? It's obvious that she is, 'cause all she talks about is girls, but why hasn't she said it? Why hasn't she said that she's gay? And my friends, talked to her one day and she was like, oh, I didn't think it's like a necessary thing. Just like you don't go around telling people you're straight, you don't need to tell people you're gay.

Right.

So it's kind of— Yeah. So it's a two-way street, Katie. You can just chill. You don't have to tell your parents.

Yeah, like what—

And I'm sure your parents will— either they know or they'll find out. Or if it bothers you that much, just be like, hey guys, I'm bisexual. I don't think it's going to be a big deal. I think when she said they're going to make awkward comments about it, do you mean like awkward jokes? Like when there's like another like attractive girl around, they'll be like, hey Katie, you like her? Because if they, if they do that, and I think that's kind of funny, I mean, I think they're just playing with you.

But, um, you know what, it'll— if Katie, if you can get through this, if you can be brave enough to tell your parents, the rewards will be so great. Katie, if you have a clean conscience— not a clean conscience, but you'll feel better about it. You'll be honest, and it'll make you stronger, and it'll bring you and your parents together.

If Jason got through all of his life.

Oh my God, Katie, you have no idea what a mess I've been.

You can get through anything, genuinely.

I'm trying to think if there's something I really wanted to tell someone and I couldn't. I wasn't brave enough to tell them. I'm sure, I'm sure that's happened.

Have you ever had an STD?

David, I'm in love with you. What? Um, an STD? No, I never had an STD.

Almost gagged in my mouth. You've never— have you ever wanted to say I love you to someone, but you— is there a girl that got away?

But is there like a girl that like, like you blew your chance? Like she dug you but you were just like not in, not, not in the right—

No, girls never liked me. I, I could never get any girls. There was never a girl that I was like— if someone liked me, I was like, oh great, let's go. So eager. To have any girl like me.

Yeah, you, you're just a guy who likes a girl who likes him.

Like, literally in high school, like, I, I— all my, all my, all my friends had girlfriends and I didn't have a girlfriend. And then there was like a girl that liked me and I was like, all right, well, that's, that's what we're doing. I'm gonna go with this.

I'm gonna go with her because she seems to like Kathy Christie. Is that her name?

Yeah, that was my first girlfriend. She was a basketball star. She was way better than me at basketball.

Guys, um, now Jason is going to read the Dollar Shave Club while I'm gonna give you facts about Jason.

All right, all Yo, yo, all right, check the mic. Yo, Jay Nash about to lay down an advertisement.

Fuck it up, bro. Fuck this up.

Here we go. Uh, guys, if you ever shower or brush your teeth or try to make your hair look presentable—

fun fact, Jason doesn't—

I've got good news for you. Dollar Shave has a lot of stuff to help you out. Dollar Shave helps— Dollar Shave Club delivers everything you need to look, feel, and smell your best. Dollar Shave has everything you need to get ready in the bathroom. Much more than just razors. And this is true, they've got such a line of products, David, that came to the house today. They got everything now. They got butt wipes, they got, they got this, this shave butter, it goes on your face, you know, because I have a full beard. Yeah, you can't grow a beard because he's a boy, but I have a full man beard because, you know, I'm a man.

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I'm a big fan of their Amber Lavender Calming Body Cleanser. Never smelled anything like it. Good luck finding a product that's great at this— good luck finding a product that great at the store. All of them—

in fact, Jason once got sprayed by a skunk and he didn't know for 4 months, cuz he normally smells like skunk.

I'm going to play you in pool after this.

Are you flirting with me? I am going to play pool with you and beat you so bad.

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That's dollarshaveclub.com/views. .com/views. Boom! It's always magnificent having something like this.

It's really cool. And you know what, also I wanted to say, I put on some of the Views merch. We have special tour merch that came in, and I put it on and wore it, and I walk into David's house tonight, he starts yelling at me.

It's not out yet.

Huh?

It's not out yet, so don't even talk about it.

Why?

But there is special tour merch coming out.

Thank you for bringing me— when I come in the door, there's a way to say things to people. You don't have to talk to me like that. I don't talk to you like that. Okay, what did you say?

Raise your voice. Raise your voice like this.

Don't fucking vlog that shit.

I did not say it.

You did too.

No, I didn't.

You need to— you need to go to counseling.

You do say that at all.

Ask Liza.

You're on meth.

I am on—

Liza, what did I say when Jason walked in? Yes, I said, besides, ew. Oh, it's not just like that.

She goes, he goes, don't fucking vlog the new merch.

No, I didn't say that. You did. I said, make sure you don't vlog that, it's new merch.

You didn't say it like that, you liar.

I said, bro, I love you, I respect you, you look so good today, please don't vlog the new merch.

That's the way you're supposed to say it. You have to be so nasty all the time.

Anyway, speaking of nasty, the royal wedding is this weekend. Sorry, that's like a horrible transition. What is the royal wedding?

Oh, uh, Prince Harry's getting married.

Oh, I love that couple.

No, you're thinking of the other one.

Oh, what do you mean?

Isn't the brother getting married, right? I honestly don't know. I should look it up.

Is, is Kate Middleton in it?

They're already married.

Who is Kate Middleton and why do I know that name?

Kate Middleton's married to Prince— I hate when you bring up a topic that I don't know about.

And who—

so embarrassing.

And do they become king or queen? Why don't they be— why?

Yeah, if West everybody dies.

Oh, so they have to wait for their grandma to die.

Yeah, and then the— then Charles would get it. He'd become the king after the grandma died.

Has there been a King of England?

Kate Middleton's wedding hairdresser gives it. Oh, you're right, it is Kate Middleton.

So she's gonna become the queen?

Could be.

Yeah, holy shit, Kate Middleton the queen! That is fucking cool. How do you become a princess? That's so crazy. Have you ever thought about becoming a princess?

Many times.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it's too late for me.

Really? Yeah. You don't give yourself enough credit. Sure, you don't give yourself enough.

Any prince would want to marry me, Dave.

I feel like I, I didn't even know princesses were a thing. I can't believe that it's like really—

Yeah, well, if you had an 8-year-old, you'd know. An 8-year-old girl.

An 8-year-old girl.

Hey, do you want to come to Wyatt and Charlie's recital on Sunday?

Your kids' recital?

Yeah, it's gonna be really good. They're doing Meghan Trainor's Lips Are Movin'. Wyatt on guitar, Charlie on vocals.

It's like you're making this shit up.

You gotta come, dog. They're doing No Roots by Alice Morton, It's Time by Imagine Dragons, and then closing with Adventure of a Lifetime by Coldplay.

Dude, I totally would.

Dude, you gotta come.

I have— I, I'm really, I'm really free that day and I want to just kind of spend it on myself, bro.

How come you're not invested in my children, dog? That's my thing. You're— we're best friends.

First you have to be invested in your children and then you—

oh my God, I got my— I am, bro.

Take your feet off my couch.

Oh my God, see the way you talk to me?

Because, bro, you just left a an ashtray of a mark on my couch.

That's not that bad.

It's horrible, Jason. It looks like you walked through hot coal.

I look international.

You don't look international. You look dirty. I'm sorry.

We almost drowned out in Bora Bora.

Good. What, what held you guys back? Who learned how to swim?

Uh, did we Trish and I were freaking. We got taken by the current one day. Oh, I swam with sharks. That was pretty fun.

Of course, none of them, none of them found you attractive enough to bite.

They don't. Um, yeah, I was attractive. Don't worry, I got bit a little.

You did not get—

they nibbled on me. Don't worry, I lost a toe.

Um, yeah, how did you swim with sharks and how were they not biting?

Paid a lot of money to get tickets to some sharks. Yeah, they don't bite. And, and we pet stingrays. Really? Yeah, then we went kitesurfing and that was kind of stupid.

Didn't Steve Irwin die by a stingray?

Yeah, there's different kinds of stingrays. One— these ones, they don't have—

and did he not know the one he was touching, or what happened? Or he just handled it the wrong way?

I think— I think he just— he was— he handled— he handled poisonous shit.

That's the most random way for that guy to go out. Out of all the things he did, for a stingray.

Well, that's how it happens. That's what's going to happen to you or me or Todd with all your stunts.

I'm gonna— I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die from dry ice, huh?

Exactly. It won't be like the dangerous stunt that kills us. It'll be like the fucking dumb one.

You're 100% right.

You know what? It'll be the one where like, it's crazy, you know, you left the smoke bomb in the car and then like Todd falls asleep in the car and like, I don't know, he gets asphyxiated. That's right.

You're right. And that's— you know what I think? I think there's a really be a good chance of one of us passing away within the next couple years from doing all this YouTube stuff. And I'm not fucking looking forward to it because I know it's going to be my fault. And I'm not even gonna do it on purpose. It's gonna be an accident. Everyone's gonna agree that it was an accident and that I shouldn't be blamed.

But you said that to me once, like maybe about a year in after I started working with you. You were like, you're like, it's pretty crazy no one's died yet, huh? And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, no, I'm just saying, I mean, a lot of the shit I do is really stupid.

No, I mean, we don't do crazy stuff, but it's like, there's a lot of room for— it's not even that. It's honestly like the driving around even can kill us.

Oh yeah, the late night drives.

Like getting from point A to point B, I drive so much. I have 24,000 miles on my car within the last year and a half. I'm constantly on the road in LA. That shit can kill me because it's— I'm just surprised that none of us—

You drive like a maniac.

Yeah, I'm just surprised that none of us have gotten hurt, and I'm very grateful. And knock on wood, and everyone knock on their wood at home right now.

My boner?

That's not funny. Listen, The Views podcast is going on tour. Go buy tickets. It's theviewstour.com. We're really excited to see you guys.

Lynn, Massachusetts, Houston.

Scott Sires performing at all the shows. Scott's going to have like a 10-minute act. If you guys saw at Playlist Live, he performed. That's what's going to be happening at all the tour stops. So it's going to be fun.

But come anyways even if you don't like that.

Yeah, people are like, oh fuck, Scott's performing. A bunch of ticket returns. Um, and guys, my clickbait merch is 15% off. The red one, we're discontinuing it.

Oh really?

Yeah. So there's only— after you— after this podcast is out, there's like 3 more days to buy it. So go quickly and buy it. It's on fandroid.co/dobrik. Buy it and then it's— and then it's gone forever. So yeah, good.

I like the new— I like the new Clickbait merch a lot. I've asked you for some, you won't give me any. I'd gladly wear it and wear it around. I'm okay.

Instagram. We'll see you guys later. Follow Jason on Twitter, on Instagram. My name is David, that was Jason, and my name is Jeff. We'll see you.

Thanks to our sponsors.

Bye guys.