Sleeping With My Horny Friend

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views. We are in good spirits this week. Guess what?

What?

Natalie had—

No, no, no, no. That's not what we're fucking opening the podcast with.

I'm not waiting any longer. No.

If he says it later, I'll just edit it and put it up front.

Natalie had sex. With the biggest dick of her life.

Stop, stop, stop.

That's not true.

Not true. It's not the biggest of your life.

For everybody that's listening, he's lying.

I hooked up Natalie with a guy.

Oh my God, I knew he was gonna come on here this week and be like, guess what I did?

I'm so proud. I'm so proud. I set her up with a, with a really cool guy. Yeah, the dude is like 6 foot fucking 8. Oh, I'm not kidding. What's his actual height?

Yeah, he's 6'8".

6 fucking 8.

Yeah, he's really tall.

The height of Chewbacca. Do you understand this?

I don't know if I can continue the pod today.

Oh my God.

How have you been getting by all day knowing that?

I don't know. I've been holding in. It was so funny. So you know how my house has like 2 living rooms? Slight flex. I was in living room 1. Illya was in living room 2. And it was the day after.

And the guy's dong went from living room 1 to living room 2.

Yeah, it starts from the fridge to the couch. So I was in living room 1. And I was talking to Natalie, getting the debrief. I talked to Natalie about this guy's penis for a good 15 minutes.

And so embarrassing.

And I was like, just tell me how big it is. Just explain it to me. And she goes, she goes, David, no, we're not doing this right now.

Why can't you do that? Why don't you fucking tell her? Exactly. We're not doing that.

Natalie and David are getting laid this week on the pod.

That's crazy.

I love it. Go, David.

Dave, I can't tell.

Dave, high five.

Yeah, exactly.

High five, man.

Why can't we talk about—

I don't want, I don't want like someone to send this to him or something and then we're just like—

and you're fucking—

and then I'm going to all my guy friends being like, hey, look at this guy's dick, or whatever, you know.

You're our best friend, obviously. I even asked Natalie, I'm like, Natalie, is there at some point we could see his dick? Like, have you gotten close to him? We're like, at one point, because I mean, this man is crazy. This— I mean, the first thing I woke up I'm very hungover. It's like 9 AM and there's one chat in our group chat and it's from Ilya. And he's like, how big was the penis? We were all thinking it because we couldn't imagine. We couldn't imagine this guy's penis.

Sure.

And, and I'm talking to Natalie about it and I'm like, so how big is it? And she makes a comment about the size and I just hear Ilya from the other living room go, what the fuck? He just could not contain himself. Like, Ilya loves these conversations so much.

You have an inch? You have a measurement for me?

Or She said she couldn't wrap her hand around it. Her hand could— her fingers couldn't touch the other finger.

That's where you get in trouble. It's the girth that'll bother you more than the length.

Didn't bother her. Didn't bother my girl Natalie.

I'm just going to remove myself from this conversation.

She's a champ.

Yeah, you're a champ.

She's a champ.

Congratulations, by the way, because all day she was manifesting it. She's like, I got to get laid tonight. I got to get laid tonight. And it wasn't like a desperate lay at all.

It was Yeah, it was honestly like the perfect scenario.

Yeah, it was like literally such a sweet guy.

Great.

Great looking.

It was literally best case scenario for like a beer can or like a mini Diet Coke.

No, like a mini Diet Coke would be really, really big.

A mini Diet Coke?

Have you ever had a mini Diet Coke in terms of girth?

No, my brother.

No, it's like a beer can.

Oh, like a beer can?

No, no, no, no. It's like a regular Diet Coke. Yeah.

Like a what?

Yeah, Jay, did you not hear me describe it?

She could, bro, in girth.

Jay, she couldn't wrap her fingers around it, you dumb fuck.

No, I, I— David, there's nobody that's that big.

Jay, this—

Dave, I'm doing it.

No, my hand is smaller than yours, but yes, it was like, you know, like this.

Sorry, there's no video right now, but Natalie's cupping her hands in a circle and Jason is approaching.

That's got big hands. Yeah, a beer can. A beer can is big.

I know.

I've never heard of that.

No, this is insane.

And I've watched lots of movies.

No, I mean, Natalie couldn't believe it.

Wow. Well, good, good, good. I'm glad.

I don't want to get into the dirty aspects of Natalie life.

I don't need people picturing what I was doing. That's where I draw the line.

Okay. Yeah. So I won't get into the positions she talked about with me. I won't get into—

And the fact that I relate it to you is like, I know you're my best friend, but—

Oh, that you relate it to me?

Yeah. I don't want to be like a kiss and tell sort of person.

Okay. If you're not sharing your hookups with your friends, there's something wrong.

Everybody—

There's something about sharing it with you that's like different.

What? Why?

Because you have a podcast.

Yeah, because we're on it.

That's the difference.

Yeah, because we're talking about it right now.

Okay, regardless, I just want to start the pod out with how proud I am of Natalie.

Okay, thank you.

Taking that big fucking 3-foot fucking monster. Um, no, no, okay, I do have a lot of thoughts to start out this podcast of a bunch of different things. I just had this discovery yesterday and I can't believe it's just come to me. You know when a kid is being fed food and they go, "Here comes the train." Do they say that because once it enters your mouth, you have to chew chew?

Yes.

Really?

Yeah.

What?

Yeah, chew chew.

Wait, what?

Is that real? Are you being serious?

Jay, are you being serious?

Yeah, chew chew, 'cause you're about to chew the food.

No fucking way.

Wow.

I never knew that.

I literally just had that thought on my own. There's no way. I'm going to make a TikTok about this because I feel like— I feel like no one's thought about this.

No, I don't think so.

No, that's like— that must be like a fact. That feels like lore hidden behind the saying that's been lost for like 15, 20 years.

Well, what about an airplane?

Here comes the airplane. Turbulence. Turbulence.

Yeah, it doesn't work. No, it's not the same.

I don't think it has to do with choo choo. I mean, I think that was like a nice coincidence.

Okay, right.

I think it's like you put the food in.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

That's what I thought.

So that's my first thought. My next thought is this would also be really— I have a couple thoughts, guys. So just bear with me.

We'll sit back and enjoy.

These are big, big, big thoughts. I was thinking, how cool would it be if you're in heaven? Yeah, right. And I feel like this is totally plausible. Like, whatever heaven is, I feel like you'll have access to a lot of things. How amazing would it be if once you die, you can play back any moment from any time from anybody's perspective?

Mm.

Because I recently just saw pictures of George Bush getting the news that a plane has hit the tower during 9/11. And it's just pictures of him in like a kindergarten classroom reading a book. And I'm like, could you imagine being in that room and the next 24 hours of what that whole like presidential like sphere of people's doing?

Yeah.

Like the vice president going to panic room. Like they had to debrief in a different classroom, the president, because they were in a school and they didn't have anywhere to meet. So they just went into another classroom to be like, okay, what's our plan of attack here? That the United States is under attack. So, like, but just like imagine like you're in heaven and you're like, okay, I want to see the morning that JFK woke up before he got assassinated, or Abe Lincoln, or— and you could just like dial back. How cool would that be?

Get the truth behind everything.

I'd love to know like people that, that were mad at me. I would love to see their perspective.

Okay.

Yeah, right? You never thought about that? You ever have like a— you don't talk to somebody anymore and you're like, that person's an asshole, and then you think about it and you're like, well, what, what the fuck were they thinking?

Yeah, but you're using it in like—

you said other person's perspective.

Yeah, well, I mean it more like historically.

You're like, historically, you really weren't like— I can't use it personally. Not allowed. Only for historical.

You can, but like, you get one wish and you just want to go back to your haters.

You're telling me you're going to die, you're going to be in heaven, you're going to be like, I wonder what Judy Garland thought of me in the fourth grade.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe that's what you would use it for.

Well, you want to be like, what was Hitler's perspective on whatever the fuck he was doing?

We know what Hitler's perspective was. Die, Jew, die.

How did he get there? Like, I want to be like, I show— like, if you could AI any if I could see anything in heaven, I'd be like, show me all of the moments where Hitler started to build up this animosity towards this group of people. Show me everything.

He was a failed painter and then he got pissed.

Yeah, it was just like one moment. I think so. He was a waiter and he just didn't get a good enough tip from somebody.

They say that's the moment that Obama roasted Trump, that Trump was like, fuck this, I'm gonna be president.

Oh really?

Someone documented that, yeah.

Oh yeah, when Obama's on Kimmel?

No, Obama was doing the Correspondents' Dinner and he fucking eviscerated Trump and Trump sat there had to take it. And they say that that was the moment that Trump's like, I'm going to show you, I'm going to be president. Damn, that's crazy.

Those are my favorite moments of like anybody. I was watching Bohemian Rhapsody.

I love moments like that. Yes, yes, yes.

And it's like— and it was Freddie Mercury talking to his dad.

Yes. What was the moment? What had happened?

It was around the moment where Freddie legally changed his name to Freddie Mercury.

Yeah.

And it was like— it was basically his dad was just like, you're not doing anything with your life. It was that situation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Freddie just like completely disregarded that.

Yeah.

Because he was just like, I know exactly what I'm doing with my life.

Yeah, Kurt Cobain has the same thing.

I love those moments. Like, that is the best part of being young, dumb, and like bold.

Yeah.

It's like, I feel like people always— we talked about this a couple of times on the podcast, but I feel like I've been having this problem where I'm so envious of me earlier in my days because I had this— I had like the blindest, dumbest ambition to get anything done. And like, I feel like it's like catching lightning in a bottle. And like, now it's tougher for me to find that ambition because I'm so comfortable with where I'm at in life. And I'm like, and I'm where I've always wanted to be. And I'm I'm so fucking grateful. But I do miss the conversations with friends where they're like, you can't move to LA and do this. When you're like, just looking at your friends like they're literally on crack, you're like, yeah, I can. It's exactly what I'm going to do. And it's like, I don't know.

I went to dinner last night and the guy next to me was like, hey, you guys used to make the best videos. Like, they were so good. Like, what's going on? Like, what happened? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I know. It's over now. It was like so sad. I was like, yeah, it's pretty boring now. And he was like, oh, I was like, yeah, well, that happens, I guess.

Yeah, it's just really tough.

Any chance you guys would do it again? I'm like, no, I don't think so. That's my favorite.

When somebody asks me, it's like, when the vlogs come back? I'm like, probably never.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what you say?

I do, but I say it kind of in a jokey way, right? I mean, the vlogs can never ever come back, but like, will I make more videos? For sure. Like here and there. Yeah, but they need to be like big moments in my life that I'm like, really excited about. Yeah, that's what it is. But I don't want to get to that anyway. Like, I miss being— I just miss being a kid and just like wanting something so bad. And like, when you're a kid, you think you're invincible, right? Like, that is like the mindset of a child. Like, you can't get in trouble, you can't get hurt. Nothing bad can happen to you.

Yeah.

And I think there's no better time. Like, I really hope I keep this in mind as a parent when my kid tries to do some dumb or like stupid out-there things. I really hope I give him all the leverage and being able to do that. Like, I really hope I'm not a fucking pussy dad and I'm like, no, you can't do that. You'll get hurt or this or this or this. Like, whatever that kid fucking needs to do because he believes in himself, that blind ambition I think will carry a person to the fucking ends of the planet and further.

Yeah.

Like, I don't know. I think you should never derail a person that's delusional and 15. I think those people are fucking destined for greatness.

I used to say crazy stuff when I was in my 20s.

Yeah, it's the fucking best.

I'd be like, I would tell my friends, I'm like, I'm gonna be on Saturday Night Live in like 2 years. And I would say it.

Damn.

And they'd be like, wow, that's— and my friends, my friends are so nice.

They'd be like, yeah, you can do it.

You can do it. Then I auditioned. I didn't get it.

You have the other side of the story.

Yeah, yeah.

Then they were right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were wrong. I was like, why didn't you tell me? I was so fucking out of my mind.

Oh, yeah. They're like, well, you just were, you know, you wish you had friends to derail you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, damn. That's funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

It's wild. I do that with Wyatt. I tell him, I say crazy things to him. I've said it all his life.

I hope you tell Wyatt that he can't make it.

No, no, I say the opposite. I'm too— I'm too—

You should go backwards on him. No, no.

I told him he was 13 to drop out of school.

I told you that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know. But that's so sick. Those are the best. Those are the best, best moments. I don't know. It's just like watching Rami Malek's interpretation of Freddie Mercury is just so fucking fun. I love like a fish out of water, or— I love stories where a person figures out who they are. Like, that is my favorite. That's like Moana. Moana. Have I talked about this every podcast for the last 3 weeks? Like, I just love, like, a life quest where you finally figure out what your purpose is.

I'm sorry, I don't—

I've never seen Moana.

You gotta see it. She's basically— she's basically an island— she's an island princess who can't go beyond her, like, little reef.

Yeah.

What other good ones do you know?

Like, that was the most like dude interpretation of Moana.

Well, because I, because I was trying— I'm trying—

she's the fucking queen of that.

No, I did that for a reason. I didn't want the dudes listening to be like, sure enough, he's soft. I was like, Moana is hot bitch from the ocean.

Do you got any others? Are there like of good stories, like people that made it that were crazy?

Um, I mean, I'm sure so many— I'm sure that's like, that's every story, right? Everybody's crazy. Well, like, everybody's crazy till it works, right? Right? Like, you're a fucking idiot, jackass, delusional, conceited. Yeah, like, it's all of that until it actually starts to work. I think that's so fucking cool. Jay, you know how cool that moment is?

What moment?

Well, Freddie was laying in bed with his girlfriend at the time, or his wife, and he was like, I am exactly the person I've always meant to be, and I'm not afraid of anything. That's what he says to her, like, in the movie. And I thought that was so fucking cool, like a achieving like what you need to become and what you wanted to become and then like being there and like recognizing that you're there, I think is the coolest fucking thing.

Who do you admire?

Um, who do I admire? Uh, if I had to like think of like a role model.

Yeah, David.

You could say me.

It's David. I idolize him. I know this, this woman, her name's Emma Greedy. Oh, she, um, she started her—

not a great word. It's her alter ego.

Yeah, she completely made up this person just to justify her stealing money from me.

Oh my God.

I'm kidding. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Anyways, her and her husband started this company and they started Skims, Good American. They're the people. She's the woman actually behind those brands.

I'm sorry. We came at that pretty hard.

She's pretty powerful.

Finally an uplifting moment and we just shed on her within seconds of her speaking.

That's why I asked.

Build her up to burn it back down. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's another one of my thoughts. Speaking of Natalie, can I talk about this?

Can it be nice? Let's make this one pleasant.

How about that? Oh, this one's not pleasant.

Great.

This is actually where we gave you some trauma. Are you ready to unpack this?

I'm not trying to awaken the PTSD.

So, Nat, I'm about to reveal one of Natalie's traumas. It's a very baby trauma she had. It was on our trip to South Africa. Do you know what I'm about to say?

Oh my God. Yes. David has scarred me for life because of this.

Yeah.

Does it involve of diarrhea or anything? Close. Okay.

Natalie was peeing.

Yeah.

And we were sharing a tent and it was the loudest stream we've ever heard.

We're in the middle of the safari, have not used a bathroom all day.

Yeah.

And my tent is filled with bugs and scorpions and all sorts of lizards and shit.

It was like a waterfall landing into a bucket, Jay.

It was literally a hole. I was peeing into a hole.

She was peeing into a hole. It was— Illy and I were sharing a room with her. 'Cause we were scared of all the bugs. Natalie goes to pee. It is like almost ear-shattering. Like you're at a Coachella pee festival. It is so fucking— it was so loud, Jay. I'm surprised the animals of the wild didn't come expecting a new water source to have sprung up in the middle of Africa. It was fucking insane. I've never heard anything like it. And Illya looked at— Illya and I looked at each other and we went, what the fuck? And Natalie, all of a sudden you just hear the pee stop and she goes, What is it possible that the hole created?

Totally.

Like an echo.

Totally.

Totally. The echo. Everything was working against her there.

And the fact that I had these two idiots on the other side of the wall.

Because ever since— because I bring this story up because we were watching a movie yesterday and I went to go pee in the bathroom and I tried to go for as loud as possible because some of my friends pee really loud and then they always come back to finish the movie. And then I'm looking around, I'm like, is anybody going to acknowledge how loud that pee was? But nobody does. So I'm like, I'm gonna try to pee as loud as I can right now. And I'm just gonna ask everybody if they heard me. So I come back and I was like, did you guys hear me pee? And they're like, no, no, it was pretty quiet. And then I got into Natalie having the biggest pee of all time in our friend group. So I'm just curious, I was just curious, like, do you think about that when people—

When people listen to me? Yeah, I think about a healthy stream. Yeah, that's really important when you get older.

No, no, that's not what I think about.

It's really good, Nat, that you have a thick, healthy stream.

I don't, I don't. I'm a lady. I don't pee.

No, you should be proud of it. Should she? Because in a lot of countries, like, that would be applauded.

Wait, were you standing while you were peeing? How was it getting so much downwards speed?

I don't know. I don't know what I was doing, David. I wasn't analyzing it. Now, from that moment forward, I analyze every pee I take to ensure that it is quiet.

Really?

Yes.

Because I wonder if it was the speed or the height it was coming out of.

It was the speed. It was the amount. It was the fact that I hadn't peed all day. It was a trauma pee because I was already traumatized about the safari tent thing.

You were definitely high enough where your pee reached terminal velocity on its way down because the speed at which it was—

You hire German scientists to recreate it.

This is insane.

We have not seen any type of twerk like this in all our days and all our research.

They leave the bathroom with Natalie. They're just shaking their heads like, we cannot study this any longer.

If we get the trajectory correct, if we can properly recreate it, we will break the sound barrier.

Natalie solves the equation to spacetime. Oh my God. These are the coordinates we've been waiting for.

Thank God she is so robust and such a big, big human.

With these numbers and these calculations, we will be able to travel through time. Okay, sorry.

All right, I'm embarrassed all over again.

I thought that was supposed to be a nice story. No, none of that happened.

Okay, I have one more thought I had.

This is great.

You know what I'm getting pretty close to though? Okay, other than Natalie's peeing, you know what I've been getting pretty close through to? So, you know, like when you can, like when you're a kid and you think you can move things with your mind?

Yeah.

Have you had that experience?

I mean, I've never accomplished it.

I'm having one, but I think it's a little bit more of an adult feeling.

Yeah.

So I think it's a little bit more realistic, but I think I'm on the verge of being able to leave my body and view it from, from an outwardly perspective.

That's a mental disorder.

And every time I get close, I snap out of it. I feel like every time I'm a hairline away, from breaking this wall, and then I realize that I'm doing it and it puts me right back. I am like on the edge of my skin, I'm telling you. I don't know how to explain this.

Have you researched it?

No, I haven't looked it up, so I don't know. I don't know if this is a condition or if I'm—

Is this when you're asleep, like at night, or no, no afternoon nap?

No, no, this is just when I'm laying on the couch or laying in bed. Sometimes it'll be around sunset and I'll, and I'll think to myself, I'm gonna try to leave my body.

Sure.

And then I have to, I have I have to surrender that thought, put that thought into the back of my mind, and then I feel it's kind of like my soul, like being in water, and I'm loose, and it's losing the feeling of gravity, and it's kind of traveling upwards.

You're just associating. Yes.

And I'm trying to get it to the point where I'm floating above my body, kind of like Avatar and like, like, and like his airbender state.

Call David Blaine, he'll tell you.

I don't think he's mastered this yet. I think he can—

I bet he has. It sounds pretty easy for David Blaine.

He's just like, David, what trying has never been done before. How close did you say you are? He thinks that's so impressive. He's like, you're not doing this during sunset, are you? I'm like, yes, that's exactly what I'm doing.

David, we need you to disassociate. We need you to levitate above Natalie's piss stream. It is the only way we will reach maximum velocity. Now, David, now disassociate!

This is what I dream about. It's the same German scientists that are working on Natalie's pee are helping me disassociate.

Bring the giant dong over! Bring the beer cans The 6-foot-8 penis man!

We will use the hair from his balls to connect the stream to the levitation.

Well, I love that.

That was kind of like a Marvel movie. This podcast was kind of like a Marvel movie, and that was Endgame. That was all the Avengers coming together. Incredible. Yeah, everybody coming together at the end. You had the big penis, you had Natalie's stream, and you had me trying to levitate out of my own body. All came in at the end for the grand finale.

Man, no one does it like you, man.

Views. Okay guys, we brought in, we brought in Reggie for this next segment. Reggie, introduce yourself.

Hi, I'm Reggie.

Give them a little bit background of yourself. Um, grew up with David, grew up with David. So Reggie, Natalie, Reggie is— yeah, he worked for Natalie. Reggie's my roommate's brother. He's John's brother. Reggie, for the long— Reggie, when did you come out? You came out one of the vlogs and we got you.

Yeah, it was Black Friday. I think it was. That's how I remember.

The most Filipino moment to come out. Right after I got a good 32-inch LCD. I was feeling myself.

John bought his TV that day.

Yeah, exactly. Resell value is going to be high. Might as well come out.

2018?

Yeah. So for the longest time growing up with Reggie, Reggie would be part of our sleepovers and we would always try to convince John. We're like, John, you know Reggie's gay, right? And John would be like, no, dude, there's no way Reggie's gay. And this is like, this is like back in the day when like you still weren't like exposed to like that culture yet, right? So like it was more rare. Now like everybody's gay.

Yeah.

So like you. Yeah. Like me.

Yeah.

Um, so at the time, that's why it was, it was rare, but we were like, yeah, Reggie's definitely gay. But one of the first moments I knew Reggie was gay, this isn't what this is about, but one, but one of the first moments, one of my favorite moments with you, Reggie, was 'Cause we would always try to convince Reggie or John that you were gay. And there was one time we had a sleepover and do you remember this? And you were sleeping next to me. You probably don't remember this.

Yeah, I woke up with a boner.

But it wasn't that—

David also had the juiciest ass in middle school.

Reggie, it wasn't that you woke up with a boner. It was that I woke up with your boner.

And where?

Well, we were having a sleepover and I woke up I woke up and I felt your penis on my leg or like on my ass or somewhere. And I was like, oh yeah, he's gay.

I'm a changed person. I'm actually straight.

What'd you say when you found it?

When I— it was still connected to Reggie. I wasn't like, Reggie, here it is.

Was it the morning? Was it the middle of the night?

It was like, it was like probably like, like the sun has already been up, but it still wasn't time to wake up. You know, it's the morning wood. It's actually the exact time you get like morning wood.

Sure.

Like, but, but like, yeah, probably could have just been morning wood, but it was the way it was positioned. On me, I was like, oh yeah, she's gay. And I use that, I use that as a big part of my argument to tell John that I'm gay. Yeah.

Oh my God.

Did John believe you or not?

Not the makeup or not even like anything else.

Yeah.

Reggie, the most fashionable gay guy ever in high school.

Yeah. There was, there was so many sides.

It wasn't that one, right?

No. It also wasn't that you were the manager of the cheer team. Right. I love how all these things happen and John was like, no, no, he's not.

He's not a gay.

That's really funny. It is really funny.

I told him, I told you, I came out to him at Korean barbecue. It was just me and him.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, well maybe you told me, but this is, I can't imagine, 'cause I can't imagine Jon handling like any kind of news that's like somewhat serious.

I know, he was like, he was questioning. He was like, what?

Wait, what Korean barbecue? Back home?

Yeah.

Okay.

And then—

How did you say it?

I was like—

Did you take him to Korean barbecue just because you knew he loved it and it would like soften the blow on any possibilities?

Yeah.

I paid for it too, so it was like a nice treat for him. So it was like, okay, I'll take it easy on him.

John, you want the good news? Good news is I paid for it. Bad news is you were wrong about me. I'm gay. Well, okay, yeah. So how did you say it?

I kind of was just like, John, I'm— I said, I think I'm gay, but I already knew I was gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what did he say? Was he like, no, no, Reggie, you're not gay?

He's like, huh, does mom know? Pops know? I'm like, no, honestly, like, I feel like David and Natalie know. That's about it.

That's really funny.

Yeah, so I mean, he handled it the most.

And then when you—

oh, sorry, dick appointment.

It's okay.

Um, yeah, no, and then when you came home for Christmas or for Thanksgiving, that's when I told you. I was like, oh, I told, I told John I'm gay.

Wait, what year was this? How— like, what— when did you tell John?

It was the same, like 2018.

Yeah, right.

Oh, okay, it was all around the same time. Are you actually— wow, coming out, I didn't know that.

Damn, I'm so glad I came out online because it just moved from group chat to group chat throughout my family, and they're like, we know, you know, right?

You didn't have to tell everybody, right? Yeah.

All right, well, I have a question. The main reason I wanted to have you on here is because I wanted your perspective, um, as a gay man. And that's because I've seen like one or two TikToks now. I think it's more than one or two. Yeah, I'm seeing edits of Dylan O'Brien, and I want to—

really?

Do you play with yourselves?

No, I'm kidding. I don't know why Dylan O'Brien's always my default celebrity.

I know, I don't know.

That is weird. Okay, um, because he seems so niche. No, that's what I'm saying. I've seen some edits of gay guys going, can we please bring back calling things gay? Have you seen this?

I love this question. Um, yeah, no, I mean, I—

you love the question of like, like, you There's a whole movement, right?

Yeah.

Which totally makes sense, which was like, gay is not a synonym for stupid. So like, stop being like, that's gay. Like, stop using that to describe that.

Yeah.

But now it looks like the tides, at least with those one or two TikToks I have seen, are possibly turning the other way.

And in my Dylan O'Brien check group.

So yeah, how do you feel about— and now you're speaking on behalf of all gay people here, just so you know.

Yeah, no, no, no. Just based on my—

Okay, yeah, well, what's your opinion on it?

In my opinion, I feel like if you describe something gay that's actually nice as a positive way, then I don't give a fuck. If you're like saying it down to a person, you're like, you're fucking gay, or some shit like that, then that's what you don't like. Yeah.

Okay, let me give you situations.

Okay.

Okay, uh, John walks in with a haircut. Um, he looks like he's a little warlord, so it's like a little army-ish haircut. And I go, that's a gay haircut.

I'm confused.

That's fine, uh, because that could be good or bad haircut. You don't I mean, I'd be like, so at this point, when I say that you don't know if you should be mad or happy, you're like, well, I like that.

I honestly don't give a fuck.

Okay.

Was it— is it gay like gay looking, or is it gay like you don't like it? I don't know.

That's up to the— that's up—

I see.

My car's gay.

Yeah.

Okay, great. What do you think about that?

It's gay.

But your car is gay.

Oh, this is interesting. This is a really— oh, That right? This is a really bizarre take.

In my opinion, it's gay because it's just like, it's like happy gay, like flamboyant.

We're giving horrible examples here. The car one's a really interesting one. But okay, let's say I'm like, yo, let's go to the club tonight. And then John goes, nah, that's gay. Now Reggie goes, well, is it a gay—

is it weho?

Okay, fuck.

What if I said, what if I said Spotify hasn't uploaded the episode. Spotify is being gay.

But you're describing Spotify as like a bad thing.

Yeah, not working.

Then no.

Then no. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So it's not back.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Yeah.

I think it only applies to like things that are actually gay. Like if something's like flamboyant or something's maybe a little more like femme or eccentric or whatever it is.

I mean, if you really want to use the gay pass, you could like experiment and then you could say it.

You're coming.

Possibly on my OnlyFans this Thursday.

Okay, okay, I get it. That makes sense.

Yeah, nothing's changed.

Yeah, guys, breaking news here. Gay is not a sin. Okay, I think what you're saying though is kind of confusing because like, let's say Ilya comes in and he's wearing really short shorts.

Gay.

Yeah. And I'm like, you look gay. But he does look gay. And I— but I'm also meaning in an insulting way.

Maybe don't use gay as like an insult. If you like his outfit, be like, you look so gay.

But he's a straight man. If like I called you straight, you wouldn't want to be straight. That would be an insult. To you because you'd be like, that's not, that's not what I'm going for here.

Honestly, no, you don't fucking lie.

What are you gonna say, that you want to be called straight?

No, I feel like my friends call me straight when I'm not like looking that good, so I'm like, oh, so I'm straight.

So that's an insult?

Yeah, it's an insult to me.

Okay, so see, so just because I'm calling Ilya gay and it's an insult to him doesn't mean I, I mean it as an insult to the community. That's just not what he is. He looks gay? Like right now I would never dare call you straight.

That actually hurts my feelings. No, I don't give a fuck. I feel like people just like look into it too much.

And then Jay, how do you feel about the N-word?

Pretty liberal with it.

And you're like, well, it depends how you're using it. All right, well, that wraps up the segment of Is It Gay? Great.

I honestly just don't give a fuck about like if you're using gay, but just don't use it in a bad form of gay.

Okay, that totally sounds like you care. I don't give a fuck. You better not be using it in any negative way.

It's different for everyone.

Like, yeah, I guess it's depending how you come on it. Yeah.

Are there any words that offend you? If I said you stupid Slovak, Would that offend you?

I don't like being called a twink.

Twink?

You're a twunk though. You're a twunk.

What's a twunk?

It's like a twink, but you're like hairy.

That's fucking disgusting.

Honestly, you could be otter.

That reminds me of like—

otter?

That reminds me of like ordering like a munchkin from Dunkin Donuts and there's hair in it. That's what I feel like a twunk would be.

So a bear would be an older guy, a twunk an older hairy guy, a twunk would be a younger hairy guy.

Yeah, Seth Rogen here is a bear, like, kind of like fit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What other terms?

I mean, like, David's old body would be an otter.

Okay.

Oh, I like that.

But he's not hairy.

He is.

Is he?

Okay, Reggie, sorry.

Have you ever fantasized about David?

Reggie, have you ever jerked off to me?

No, not you.

Not you, Jason.

Which one of the boys?

No, not any of Really? I feel like they just like remind me of like cousins.

I'm like, oh yeah, okay, that makes sense.

Do straight guys turn you on?

Of course.

Yeah. Yeah. So are there straight guys that—

it's like saying, do lesbians turn me on? That has nothing to do with anything, right?

Do straight guys— have you ever flipped a straight guy?

I mean, I've hooked up.

You've been there first.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How is that like?

Usually straight men love things in their ass. Like, I would be like going to a hookup and like, oh my God, I'm about to get it in. But it's like, can you put it in me? I'm like, oh, You're straight.

Wow, that's crazy. Right? Yeah.

I feel like it's the curious part of the body that you have not experienced.

And I think we talked about this on the podcast, but when I was like 14 or 15, I was taking a bath and I put like my fingers up my ass. Did we talk about this in the pod?

I don't know if we did. I put it far out of my memory, but go ahead. Yeah.

And I didn't because I see that a lot of like your— not your pressure point, your pleasure point is like in your ass or something. Yeah. For a guy. Which really confuses me, which doesn't make any sense to me.

Oh no.

As a man who's experimented in the tub back in Vernon Hills.

You can hit your G-spot and not be in your ass.

How?

Well, you can.

Wait, what do you mean? What are you hitting?

If you're a guy? Yeah. What else are you hitting?

I think so.

Oh, don't backtrack now.

I think that's what I'm hitting.

Go ahead, talk about your gay experience, Jay.

I think that's what I'm hitting. I mean—

What?

What? Yeah.

You tapping Reggie on the side?

Maybe.

Why are you licking your lips?

Is it hard to—

Why are you like—

Taking it back.

Jason didn't touch mine. The thing about the butt too is it's very hard, it's very hard to get anything in there. Do you know what I mean? Like even if you have to put something in there surgically or maybe for like a reason, like you have hemorrhoids or something, like it's a tight area.

No, I don't think so. I think a little lube just does it.

Oh, a little lube takes care of it.

Is it once you get past the first part of the butt where it opens up later?

Oh my God.

Is it just the hole that's a little tight?

Yeah, it is. And then it's like a hollow—

hollow.

Yeah, but depending like how your girth is, then you could feel—

what's a cream pie like?

Ew. Okay, no more.

Last night was crazy.

Let's go! What's it like to get the cream pie out?

Next segment.

Ew, ew, ew, ew.

I love when you draw the line of something that's too gross for you.

You literally sit here all day, cream pies, going, talking about all kinds of shit. You just talked about your— exploring your butt in the bathtub.

That's normal.

You don't want to No.

What is a cream pie?

A cream pie? What are you fucking dumb?

No, a cream pie is like just to fill the butt up.

Cream and then the pie.

You don't know what a cream pie is?

I don't really know.

As a foodie?

Oh, like the food? Yeah, I know what a cream pie is.

Okay.

Yeah, so you fill in the butt with some cream.

Yeah, pours out a little. Oh, okay, I'm done. Okay, okay, stop it. Next segment. Cut the fucking pod, Jay.

Okay, let's roll it out.

This guy, she seems sick.

Hey Jay, do you know about SeatGeek?

Perfect to get you tickets to your favorite cream pies. I don't know, Reggie, you do— how much you make on OnlyFans?

Oh, not that much.

Like, I'm just enough to cover rent? I mean, yeah, like 3, 4, 5 grand a month.

That's really good.

I mean, with my spending, no.

Well, stop your spending. That's really good. That's insane.

Reggie, as a guy who does OnlyFans, have you had like weird requests on there?

Okay, this one person requested me working a video shoot of me working out and then taking off my socks and then jacking myself off.

Oh my God.

But I'm like, I can't do that video, I don't work out.

Jacking off into the sock?

Yeah.

Reg, wow, that's crazy. Oh my God. Oh, that's where you drew the line at working out?

Yeah.

You're like, everything checks out, I just don't know if I can go to the gym. That was your problem? Yeah. You're like, I just do it without— can I just sweat by just, just staying in my socks all day? So he wanted a sweaty sock filled with cum?

Yeah, but I don't know how you're supposed to like ship it out or something like that.

But yeah, that sounds like I declined it. That sounds like one of those dogs at like one of those bomb-sniffing dogs would be like, this isn't a bomb, there's some fucking crazy scent coming out of this, and they'd stop it like in the mail department.

I want you to send me like a dick pic. I mean, it doesn't need to be like a thing, and then you could just be like, can you rate my dick?

Whoa, this is really random. That felt like we just like— that felt like we just had to edit in the podcast.

So like, I can't—

I don't know who you Oh, you want me to send you a dick pic?

You get a glimpse of Iron Man in the background.

I'm holding my dick with the Iron Man gauntlet.

Yeah, I dressed as him.

Dave, I'm pretty sure this is you. Okay, yeah, so I'll send you a dick pic. You won't know who it's from. Yeah, and then we'll rate all your dick pics that you get on next week's podcast, and we'll see. Okay, which one's mine?

Perfect. Oh wow, I love that.

Tune in the next God. Okay, so this is an interesting— somebody, somebody asked, I won't say their name because this is fucking insane, but they said, help, my cousin is in love with me. Oh, January 2024. Yeah, this is from Susie Antonian. Oh my God, she's talking about Arman Antonian. January, January 2024, I got a random message from an unknown number saying 'Hey.' So I said, 'What's up?' And then started saying how much they were obsessed— and then they started saying how much they were obsessed with me and they couldn't stop thinking about me for years and that they were in love with me. I told them to tell me who they were, but they said they couldn't. I was so curious to find out who this person was, I fed into it saying, 'You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.' He kept giving me hints like he knew me for a long time and my childhood address and memories. This is so fucking weird, especially like, whatever, you're in love with your cousin, just fucking say it. Don't tease at it. Be like, 'I know where you were when you were 5.' 'After this, I ignored all the messages because I knew it was a family member at this point. Eventually, he revealed himself to be one of my cousins, but I ignored the message. And every month since then, he's been texting me, even if I block the number. The advice I need is what to do when I eventually see him, and how do I make it not awkward? I don't want my family to know. It's embarrassing. I obviously want to fuck him and sit on his face.' So from now on, every time I read one of these, I'm gonna add a sentence that's not real. I'll give you that one. That last sentence was not real. I didn't make that part up.

She's got to just address it right at the head column. Be like, hey, this is fucked up, this is weird, you have to stop this. And that's it.

Yeah. Has she not—

don't go to the fucking family reunion. That's a pretty big deal breaker for me. It's different if you're like, I wonder how old the cousin is. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Like if they're like young.

I had a crush on my cousin when I was like 8 or 9.

Right.

So I don't know if that's like a, like a thing. Yeah, you're right. I doubt this person is like—

if it's your like 30-year-old cousin, yeah, that's fucking weird.

But if it's your 12-year-old, it's also— there's also a double standard here. It's the fact that she's a woman and he's a guy kind of just freaks me out even more.

It is really. I mean, it's just—

that's like something where you're like, I wouldn't even— I wouldn't even go to the family reunion. I would tell my family.

I know, right?

Tell her.

Unfortunately, that is like a line that if you cross that Unless you live in a place where incest is okay.

Is there a place where that is?

Yeah.

Oh, Arkansas.

Wait, actually? No, no. I just know we mentioned Arkansas the other day and someone DM'd me saying, yay, Arkansas finally mentioned. So I wanted to just give it right back to them in a more negative way. I'm just kidding, people of Arkansas. I'm kidding. No, it's not okay anywhere.

I don't think boundaries are really important. Boundaries are amazing. Boundaries are like incredible. So if you say like, no, no, no, no, no, like that person's going to get scared. They're going to stop. They're going to change their ways.

Yeah. Also, family reunions, like not the place to get laid. So I don't know. This is weird. You should definitely just tell this guy. You should, you should tell your family because this feels like, especially because he like texted you like anonymously. I don't know why that adds to like the level of creepiness to it. So creepy where he was like maybe pleasuring himself to the text anonymously, painting it. Yeah, I'm nasty. Going from experience, this guy obviously lives in Sherman Oaks. He used to be a Viner and he does YouTube. No, no, no, no. But you should definitely— this, this seems like it's gonna progress into something even stranger. All right guys, that's all the time we have for this podcast. Thank you guys for everybody who joined us today.

You're trying to leave the body?

I'm just trying to leave my body there.

If you want, I'll go out on the couch and try to do it with you.

Did you see it?

We can have red juice.

Did you see like a silky version of me?

I saw you in a quiet place. I saw you in a focused place, like a focused state.

So I'm going to— okay, I'll get back to you. I'll keep you guys on my reporting. I don't know what it's called, the name for it, but I'm going to call it disassociating levitation.

Yeah. Write in for the podcast if you guys know what this is.

If any of you guys have mastered it, please let me know.

Yeah.

All right, guys, that's all the time we have. Thank you guys for joining us. This has been a Views podcast.