Ruining Natalie's Birthday

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast. Or I have a question, or this is actually a question for anybody. Since Ilya is just kind of like working out on his own, why doesn't he just do steroids? It's not like he's competing.

It's not good for you. It shrinks your balls.

Just your— it shrinks just your balls. Yeah.

I don't think it's the good—

because maybe you could use a little steroids then. All right, let's roll the intro music. This week I went to go visit my parents for the final time.

Oh, your final visit to Vernon Hills.

It was my final visit. They're moving out. They're officially moving to San Diego, moving out of my childhood home. So I went there as they were packing and I went to go see it and I got there and everything was already gone. It was all in the moving truck.

Oh, it was all gone.

Yeah, it was all gone. Nothing was there. It was the fucking saddest thing in the world. And on my way there, I like, did like some serious memory lane shit. Like on my way, like driving to there, I went to the place I first moved to when I moved to Illinois, like before I moved to Vernon Hills. Yeah, I moved to Skokie and I lived there from grades 2 to 4. Wow. I like went to like where I used to live.

Yeah.

And I took pictures like, like you knock on the door? No, I knocked on the door of my friend and my buddy was there.

No way.

I also messaged him. Yeah, I messaged him on Facebook and I know he still lives there and he was my friend in like second grade. The buddy I told you the story about how my parents like I filmed a video of him with his penis out.

Yeah.

On, on the family's camera.

Yeah.

And then my parents found the camera and they found that I was recording my friend who was like 9 years old at the time with his penis out. That friend?

Yes, that one.

Yeah. So that friend, I met up with him and I met him at Skokie and it was so fucking crazy because there's— and then his mom walked into the room and I was like at his house for like literally like 5 minutes. I was there for a little bit and his mom walks in and she's like, oh my God, David, how are you? It's been— and it was— it's She's like, it's been what, 14 years? No one's ever— oh my God, that's such a crazy number to say. Like, no one's ever said that to me unless they're my family. Like, for somebody to go 14 years and like somebody to remember me. And, and she was like, how are your two sisters? And I was like, great, I actually have a brother now too. And she's like, what, you have a brother? My brother's 11, but she just— she didn't know I had a brother. Oh wow, like, that's so crazy. Like, it's been that long. And then the dad walked in He was like, I remember you used to play with the marbles in the fish tank. And I was like, yes, you guys had fish and I used to play with the marbles and I was so excited. And like, they're like the sweetest people and they're so nice. So I wanted to— I brought him a gift. I want to bring him a gift. I used to play video games like I used to go over to his house because my parents wouldn't allow me to have video games. So we played video games at his house. So I thought it'd be fun. So I got him the new PS5. You did? Yeah. So I thought that would be like a cool, like, little gift for him because he was like, bro, I quit like 10 years ago. No.

Yeah.

He says he watches some of my Twitch streams, so he's like still very much into video games.

And I love how you're like, I used to play video games like you play every day.

Yeah.

And that was really cool. And then I also wanted to surprise him and his family with $10,000. Shut up. Yeah, because I was like, I'm in the area and like, I'm in the area.

Let me drop $10K.

No, I was like, I was like, this is like, these guys are so great. And like, I, like I always say, like, I owe so much to the people that like helped me grow up and like figure myself out. And these guys were very much a part of that. And I didn't know how to like, I was like, I don't want to like I didn't have my checkbook, so I was like, I don't know how to get $10,000 to him.

Yeah.

So I was like, it was between I use my dad's check and have my dad's name on it.

Yeah.

Or I borrow $10,000 in cash from somebody and I give it to him that way. Um, but I thought that the $10,000 cash was like a little bit douchey. So I was like, I was like, how do I give somebody $10,000 without it coming off like, here's some money or whatever? So I went to, I went to the store, and I was like, I'm going to get a Hallmark card, and I'm going to counterbalance the weight of the douchey of the cash by writing a nice card. So I get there, and I'm looking for things like wrapping paper for the cash and everything. And I find a bag. And it's one of those funny bags that has— it's a gift bag, and it has a funny thing written on it. And it's just a green bag, and in gold font, it says, a big bag of money, right on the bag. So I'm like, OK, well, that's fucking hilarious. So I just did that instead. And I went to his house and I like, I had everything wrapped out of the cash. The cash. I had the cash.

You got cash?

Yeah, I had the cash and I had this like whole dilemma. I was like, do I record this or do I not record it? Like, and it fucking sucks because like, like my parents were like, don't record it. That would be a special moment. But like, even if I wasn't fucking vlogging, like, I would love to record that shit because I just like want to have that memory. But I was like, I was like, this isn't like the moment to record it. Like, I haven't seen him in a while. I don't want it to come off weird, even though I wanted to record it. And I'm sure he would have loved that it was on video just so he can look back at it. Right. I gave him the PlayStation and, and then I put the little gift bag like on the table and I was like, you can just open this one later. And I don't think he thought anything of it, right? Because he's like, oh, this is the PlayStation. Like, this must be like a card with like some cookies in it that Taylor made or something. And so then I left. I just left. I left.

Oh, you didn't even see them open the money?

No, no. I was like, I think it would be so much funnier if I leave and I leave the $10,000 in cash in the bag on the table.

Oh my God, that is so—

yeah.

And then he messages me like an hour later and he's like, dude, I just missed your call, my bad. And I'm like, oh my God, I don't think he—

I still think he hasn't opened it.

And this is, this is like 11 o'clock at night.

And then, and then we threw it out in the trash, what are you talking about? Yeah.

And then 30 minutes after that, he just, he goes— these are the DMs he sends me— he goes, David, bro, my parents just opened your gift, bro. God bless you, you made me and my parents so happy. My parents really need the money. God bless you, man, you gave my dad a heart attack. If you're around tomorrow, my dad wants to give you an expensive Oriental rug from his store. It was so— that was, that was so fun. Like, it was like the coolest thing. Like, and like, I left, I left the house like with the $10,000 like sitting there on the table. And I was just like, to Taylor, I was like, Taylor, we literally— it's like we left a bomb in there. Like, they have no idea what's sitting in that bag. Like, I wish I could just be a fly on the wall to just watch them open the bag of money.

And did they bring up the dick video?

No, they didn't bring it up. I brought up— no. So I was around him like when I was hanging out with him. I was bringing back other memories. Like, there was another time where we had a sleepover. I brought this up in front of his mom. We had a sleepover. I've said this on the podcast too, and he was too scared to go to the bathroom because where we lived, when you turn off the lights, all the cockroaches would scram and all the cockroaches would be all around the floor. We didn't live in a good neighborhood, so like cockroaches were all over the house. And one time we turned the lights on, there were 9 cockroaches just in the bathroom, like a bunch all in the bathroom floor. And he was so scared to go in, he just peed the bed. In my bed, the one I was sharing with him. And that was like a memory I have with him that I thought was really funny. And he's like, oh, I don't really remember that in front of his mom. So I didn't tell— I didn't tell his mom the dick story, but he was like telling me— he was like telling me, he's like, I remember, I remember you came by and you were like, we used to play video games all the time and I didn't really care for movies, but you had this movie and you were like— and you were like, we have to see it. And you were telling me how you've already seen it, but you want— you want me to watch it with you again.

Oh my God.

It sounds like you.

Yeah. 9-year-old me. And it was Star Wars Episode III. And he's like, you got me into Star Wars. And like, that's from then on out we were having like lightsaber fights, which still sounds like me. And like, it's just like so crazy. So yeah, so it was like really cool that I got to surprise him with, with $10K.

You tell about R2?

I have R2-D2 in my house. No, I didn't. No, I didn't tell him that there's a $20,000 droid sitting in my living room currently.

I came in here the other day and it was so funny. It was like David was covered in J Balvin's merch. Like yellow slippers, making an Instagram story with the real-life R2-D2. I was like, where am I?

Yeah, it's Richie Rich's house. It's really gone weird at this house. But yeah, that was, that was a blast.

Tell your story.

I don't know why everybody's so pressed.

What's going on? Why is everybody so pressed?

I'm confused too.

Why is everybody so pressed?

Oh my God, what's going on? What's wrong with you?

What did I do?

Because Ilya always walks in when we're like getting shit done. He always walks in and literally inconveniences every other person in the room. Like, like, like nobody else matters. Whatever Ilya needs to say or whatever Ilya needs to do.

In what way?

You literally came in here, took the mic and just started like, I don't know what you're doing.

Nobody was talking.

So I took the mic and I started talking because we were on the phone.

Yeah, it's not that bad.

Come on.

Yeah. What's the story? You start.

The other day I forgot to do my laundry.

Oh my fucking goodness, bro. I can't believe you're gonna bring this up.

I told you, listen, this is the shit I'm talking about with Ilya where he just starts like bringing up shit that's like, doesn't matter. It's not actually important, but he thinks it's important.

To be fair, Natalie, this is a podcast.

All right, let me—

technically, none of this is important. Yeah, I mean, the other day we talked about masturbating for 45 minutes.

Okay, Ilya, where are you?

Where's your political research? What are your findings this week?

I can't wait to listen to whatever you're going to—

okay, I don't want to say it.

Ilya and Natalie are not on fucking good footings right now. I don't know if that's a way—

we're on terrible terms.

Yeah, they're not on good terms right now. I don't know what's going on, but Ilya walked in. Oh, you know what?

It all started with this. Today I went to go do Mike Sheffer's and Matt King's podcast.

Oh, no wonder you're in a bad mood.

Yeah, that put her in a bad mood for the rest of the fucking day.

Oh yeah, because he needed to be here for this podcast.

No, because Ilya makes decisions sometimes that don't make sense. Like, your logic and things doesn't make sense sometimes, and it just, it bugs me because then it fucks up. It's not— it doesn't only affect you, it then affects the rest of the people here.

Hold on, let me explain my thought process behind me going to a podcast that I had already already scheduled 5 days in advance.

Go.

Okay, I didn't—

I can debunk everything you're about to say.

Great, because I didn't know that we were going to record a podcast at 3 PM because I was not told.

When do we— when do we record podcasts? Every single Sunday?

We record them Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, different days every week.

Sundays though, there's no schedule. Sundays every single week.

Sundays we have to if we haven't hit any of those other days, which we never do.

Which Sunday every single week?

No, sometimes we hit them.

Schedule is a little willy-nilly.

He just— regardless, huh?

The sketch.

Oh, I thought this guy just— a little Willie.

This guy just jizzed on my friend willy-nilly the other day.

I was like, that's another story. Yeah, I'll tell you something important.

On top of that, I'm not the main character in this podcast.

So who is?

It's, it's David and Jason.

Damn it. I thought I was going to say David.

Son of a bitch. I'm holding on for dear life here, Dave.

Part out where he says, and Jason. Okay, whatever. It doesn't matter. What's your story?

Okay. Like, fucking A. The story is I forgot to do my laundry the other day, and this is like 1 AM, and the next morning I have boxing, whatever. So I go into David's room and I'm like, Dave, I put my laundry in the washing machine. In an hour and a half, please. And I asked him like super nicely. I was like so polite.

I was like, so polite.

I already see where you went wrong.

So polite.

Okay. And you know what I did? Can I just fucking make the story like 10 seconds? No, I can make this so fast. You're making it so long. No, I set an alarm alarm for an hour and 30 because I was like, I'm gonna do this for him because I said it. I said like, I will do this for Ilya. And guess what? I fucking— I tell my stream, guys, when my alarm goes off, remind me I have to go and empty out the fucking washer.

Didn't remind you?

No.

An hour and a half went by and I fucking went to there and it said 45 minutes.

Bullshit, you said 30.

No, wait, 45 minutes remaining. And then so, so this was in the middle of my game, so I was like, fuck it, I'll come back in a little bit. Stream, please remind me. And as I'm getting off my stream, I'm saying goodbye because I'm going to bed um, my stream, someone tips me money just so I could see their message that says, check the laundry. And I go, okay, great, thank you so much, Molly, I'm gonna go check the laundry. I go check it, 29 minutes remaining. I go, I'm not gonna be up for another 29 minutes, that's it, I'm going to bed.

Oh shit, you're telling me you turn your Twitch off and you went right to bed? You didn't fucking be on TikTok?

No, no, no, you were on Instagram for another 30 minutes?

No, but I told myself, 29 minutes, if I'm up, I'm up. But then I fell I mean, I didn't— I wasn't like, 29 minutes, time to snore right away. But I was like, okay, I'm giving up on this thing. I'm sorry I didn't get your laundry.

Where is this going? Who cares? Did you get your laundry? Did the laundry shrink?

And then in the morning at 6:45 when he goes boxing, I'm still sleeping. All I hear, all I hear is— I can't believe I woke up to this. Well, it was pretty fucking loud, so I know I woke up to it. I hear the laundry like room open and I hear Ilya like sincerely angry go, motherfucker. I just hear him go, motherfucking shit. And Ella, you were here. What did he say?

Yeah, he was like, that asshole did not take my laundry. And then we're like standing here and he's like bitching about it with me and Caleb, and David walks out and he's like, what do you say?

You motherfucker, I stood over that laundry for 2 and a half hours. Go fucking box, you little pussy. I was so pissed. I was there to fucking take his laundry out. It was just—

yeah, but you didn't commit.

That's That's what my problem was.

I mean, you told me an hour and a half.

Why was it so important? Because you were going to bed.

Yeah, because it was like really late. I didn't have like any sleep the night before, so— and you needed this one thing.

You needed the clothes to box the next day.

Yeah, maybe you should have just done your laundry earlier in the day.

Yeah, I know I fucked up totally. It was my bad.

But that's why I fucked up too. But I'm just saying I put in an effort, right?

Barely.

Barely. I still put in a little bit of effort.

I love how when you two get an argument, you just all of a sudden come to this reasonable conclusion. You fucked up and I fucked up together, so it's okay.

Fucked up. Now come here. And sit on my face.

Literally.

No, it's not like that, Natalie. That—

see, you don't treat any other aspect of— you don't treat anybody else.

Natalie, yes I do. But you, you don't— you don't— you're not rational like Ilya is. When you're rational—

oh damn, damn.

No, Natalie, let me get the shovel. Let me get the shovel.

Let's bury this bitch.

When, when you're angry and I, and I, and I do my, my—

because you do—

I do my famous— I do my famous David Dobrik line and I go, hey, Hey, this will all be over in 20 minutes. Let's just hug it out. You get angrier. But if I do that with Ilya, Ilya goes, you're right, why are we arguing?

No, what you did right now is you said, you know what, I fucked up and you also fucked up.

Ilya, can you come back here? This is like the best part.

Why the fuck?

Hey, it's fine, bro.

Literally, what are you talking about? This guy literally makes the dumbest decisions.

He makes dumb decisions. Why would you leave during the part of the podcast?

He literally, in the middle of the podcast, in the story that he is involved in, he gets up to go to the fucking bathroom.

It's like him and Dima had the same breast milk.

I think now I understand why him and Dima, like, are friends.

They are a little spacey.

They're both so spacey. They just, like, make decisions and don't think of anything around them.

Decision-making is very awkward.

What I just did back there, it was my bad. Okay, I fucked up.

Hold on.

Is that okay?

Yeah, you're good.

Thanks. Grab the mic, bro.

You're part of this.

I don't want to be part of this. What is this, bro?

Nat, go.

Okay.

The problem is what you usually— what you just did is you said that you did something wrong and Ilya did mutually something wrong. You owned it. You own the fact that you did something wrong.

No, you don't.

No, you do not. No, you do not.

Every—

no, you do not.

Every—

Ella, what are you— what are you, Natalie now? Every time we're in a fight—

no, because the relationship you have with Ilya is—

listen, I'm sorry I was cranky this morning, but—

oh dear Jesus, no, you do not ever say that. You know what you say?

Literally, no, you said call it even.

No, you wake up— you wake up on the wrong side of the bed piss-ass mood and you're like, I don't want side of the bed.

You wake up in the wrong room.

That has nothing to do with anything.

Yes, you wake up on the wrong side of the bed every day.

I'm sorry that I'm in love and I found a good person and you have not. Okay, you're just jealous and you're sad and you're—

I'm not jealous. I wake up in a good mood all the time, Natalie.

You will say after, like, let's go over, but you go, you're wrong, you fucked up, you're wrong. And then the person has to go, no, David, it's fine. No, no, no, just say you're wrong and then it'll be over in 20 minutes. You missed that part of what you said.

No, you say you just have— you make— you've made other people take the blame.

Very certain situations.

Really? Interesting. I didn't know that about myself. Jay, have you had fights with me?

Never say that you were the easiest.

No, you're just always right.

That's my man. Exactly. No, come on. But do we ever get into fights? Like, how is it that me and Natalie get into fights all the time? Me and Ella, but nobody else?

Well, I mean, it's not true.

I think I don't get an argument.

Natalie, Natalie, Natalie has like puts up with less of your bullshit than I do. So I, I just kind of go, I'm too lazy to fight or put up an opinion about it, right? Because I just know like you do things your way, and then I'm like, I know it's gonna get done, so I don't bother. I never bother.

And who's gonna help him get it done?

Me.

I gotta drag yourself, your ass out of bed and help you get it done.

Someone's really also like, I have nothing to do with your brand deals, which you slack on, right? Natalie has a tough job here, there's no doubt. Ilya, he's got it easy. You're in love with him.

I mean, let me tell you, I was thinking the other day, yellow lights are fucking so dumb because think about it this way. Yeah, they are. Red lights, that's like obvious, stop. Green lights, go. But yellow lights, like, am I going? Am I stopping?

Are you dumb? No, dude, this is the stupidest argument. No, hear me out.

There's no answer to it. There's no answer.

Do you think the number 2 is important when you're going 100 and you're about to get to a light? If that shit goes from green to red in 1 second, you're fucked. There's a yellow light, so then you go.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have something like a yellow light. I agree that you should have—

so you wanted a different color?

I know you can—

no, I'm saying, did you know that in Europe they have yellow lights even when you're about to start going?

Correct.

Well, that makes sense.

What? Yeah, that really— that's the one you can omit. That's the one you can kind of like be like, we don't need this.

Do you not agree with me that a yellow light is like, uh, should I stay? Should I go? Like, it's super dangerous. It could be super dangerous.

Red is so much more dangerous.

I think they have a yellow light Oh yeah, we have that here. Yellow light.

Yeah.

So it goes green, yellow, red, yellow.

Yes.

Yeah. In Europe, in Europe, if you're— if it's about to turn green, it'll go from red to yellow, like start your engines, which I think is kind of ridiculous because it like really preps people to like start fucking speeding. But, but yeah, in here in America, they just don't use that yellow signal. Fun fact, if you learned anything from Ilya's stupid rant, it's that there are extra yellow lights in Europe.

Ilya dyed his hair.

Yes.

Which he dyed it blond, which I think it looks good. But you did it right when Todd did it. It was weird.

I did it.

He's been doing a lot of stuff that Todd does.

Oh, also talking about things that people are doing, I want to start getting tattoos.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Right on, man.

I want to get them on my thighs.

I decided.

Yeah, that would probably be my first. Actually, that should be my first one.

Yeah, probably. Wow.

That makes sense.

Oh, yeah.

A cute little Iron Man. That'd be cute.

Oh, yeah.

Like a little— like an animated Iron Man.

Would you ever get someone's name on there?

No.

No, I would never do that.

Maybe if someone died. Like if Ilya died, like I'd get Ilya tattooed. Or if Natalie died, I'd get Ilya tattooed. Like, that's when I'd get a name. If someone died, like, you know.

Why are you looking at me like that now?

Because you just annoy me.

What the fuck?

Why?

I haven't said anything.

I literally have not said one. I mean, you literally just talked about how yellow lights are pointless. That would— that probably annoyed her.

I didn't say you have to omit yellow lights. I said you have to exchange.

Did you just learn the word omit because I used it?

No, I've known the fucking—

because I've never heard you use that word.

Okay, well, I've never heard you use it, so you know what? I—

so what, I learned it from you? I learned it from future you. All right, regardless, omit is a cool word. Ilya is a fucking dumbass, and that's it.

Thank you.

When I was visiting my parents, I was, I was going to stay at a hotel and, um, I got to this hotel and I was like, and I made up this like sob story. I was like, I was like to the lady that was working there, I was like, uh, I missed my flight. It's been a long time. I wanted just the coolest room ever. And I was like, do you have like a nice room with a view? It was like really late. I was like, please, please help us out. And we were getting two rooms and And she was like, okay, I can put you guys on the same floor. We can do this room and this room. And she's like, oh my God, wait, I totally just realized who you are. And then she, like, recognized me somehow. I don't know. She's like an older woman. I was like, I have no idea how she knows who I am. And, and I'm like, oh, she was like excited.

I can no longer give you a nice room.

She's like, excited to see me?

No.

And I was like, oh my God, here comes my inn. Like, I'm going to get the fucking nice room. And I was like, yeah, I'll just take whatever room has like a really cool view. And she's like, great, we have these two rooms here. Do you want to see the pricing? Should I pull that up or should I just— or you just want to just book the room? And I was like, oh, I was like, oh my God, this is a fucking test. So I thought she was like trying to see if I can handle the big room, right? And I was just like, money-wise. Yeah, money-wise. And I was like, oh, don't— I'm good. Don't tell me the price.

And they do that shit on purpose. Yeah.

And I thought— and I thought she was going to give me a fucking good deal. And then I fucking get there. Keep in mind, It's fucking like 3 AM. We get to the fucking rooms. It's 3 AM, right? So I'm only going to have this room for a little bit. Taylor's room was $250, which is whatever. Good price for room price. Mine was $2,900.

Oh my God.

$2,900.

Fucking ego, man. I found the next morning, I was like, hey, can you do me a favor and call the front desk and see how much it was? $2,900. And I was like, I'm such a fucking idiot. It was literally my ego. It was my ego that got in the way, though. That was like— I was like, I'm not going to check the price. I'm just going to book it. $2,900. You know what room it was? It was the fucking room you want for your birthday.

Did you go to Nobu?

Yeah. $2,900.

Not have gotten it.

You went and got my birthday room on accident. You fucking dick. You fucking dick.

On accident.

Goodbye.

Wait, wait.

Would you not have?

No, I would not pay $2,900. You would have—

You are such a piece of shit.

I got it on accident.

I have been telling you weeks about this fucking room that I'm so excited for my fucking birthday.

I heard how much it cost.

And guess who has to go fucking big dick me? With this fucking—

did I stay?

This is odd. This is an odd grab that you have.

David always does this shit on accident.

Jay, did I not get the room on accident?

Who cares? I've never had a penthouse suite. I've never had anything in my entire life.

Who cares if he's in the room? You can still get the same room.

No, but I've been— I've been showing this room. I've been so excited.

And that burns you that he had it first?

100%.

Are you serious?

Because he does that shit.

Ilya, jump in here. Isn't that a little weird? Why does she care?

He didn't do it intentionally.

Like, yeah, he's never even stayed at this hotel. Why didn't you go to the fucking Langham?

Because there was a brand new hotel and the Langham didn't take any reservations past 3 PM. That's why I went to this.

You couldn't just show up at the Langham and get a room?

No, you can't. We called, they're like, because of COVID we can't. We have new policies. So you come tomorrow, the next day.

So you're like, let me go to the Novu Hotel. That's the only other hotel in Chicago, huh?

Come on, Ella, whose side are you on for this? I am not fucking commenting on this shit because you know you're on my side.

Oh no, I'm not on your side.

Yeah, but like, it was really cool because David gave me the video tour the next day. He's like, yo, this is the one that Natalie's gonna get.

I walked in, I walked into the room and I saw the pool table because Natalie showed me a pool table. She was so excited about it for her birthday, and I literally went, oh shit, why didn't you send the video to Natalie? I was like, well, because I was like, I can't have Natalie know about this because I knew she'd be mad. But I was like, fuck it, we're on the podcast, so I'm gonna say it. But I get on— I got it on completely on accident. I want a room with a cool view, and you told me how much your room was, but you were getting a discount because you're gonna post about it, which is cool. So I would have never paid the $2,900 like on my own, and I thought she was gonna give me like a cool corner suite with a nice view. Um, but yeah, I mean, the room is tremendous. You're gonna have a great time.

Such an asshole. Like, all the good things in my life, you just gotta fucking suck the joy out of it.

Genuinely, I was not going to get that room. Okay.

Can we clear the air?

Like, what the fuck, guys?

Yeah. What is going on? Big fucking family. We're all on the same team. We're all on the same team. A lot of better people. I fucking— I'll be honest.

Here comes Ilya sucking Dave's dick.

Well, it feels like there's something else going on here, because if Dave went to the hotel that I was planning to go to and then he told me he went and he was like, yeah, it was sick. The pool table's great. I'd be like, oh, great.

I made a good decision.

What?

Right, right.

I wouldn't look at it as you fucked me over.

I think Natalie wants me.

I mean, I'm not going to go there, but—

oh, I asked the other day if David would marry Natalie or if Natalie would marry David. And she said yes.

Why?

No, I did not say I was like, yes, Natalie, what the fuck? You were sitting here.

Oh, really?

Yeah. You're sitting right in front of her.

What?

Yeah.

Wait, what did you say? How did you say what the fuck was I?

I said if I needed to, I would.

No.

And I was like, would you want to? And you're like, sure. That's what you said.

No, that's what I said.

If you need to. What do you mean if you needed to? Like if I was getting deported?

Like, yeah, like the DACA situation. Like, I would have totally married you for your green card. Or if I was like really struggling, I needed some money.

If you were struggling to marry you, or more importantly, if I needed the Nobu Hotel for the third night, I would also marry you.

I went on a triple date the other day.

Triple?

Yeah.

Triple.

You were third wheel.

How do you do that?

Yeah.

Wait, so there were two other couples with you?

Two other couples with me?

Yeah.

Okay.

Triple date sounds like you took two girls and yourself or something.

Yeah. Oh, no, it was a triple date. It was two other couples and me.

Okay. Who are the couples?

I was— Joe, Annalise. Oh, let's see. Brandon.

It was like a funny triple date. Yeah.

His girlfriend.

Who'd you take? And me. Oh, you are— you fifth wheeled. Oh, that's fucking crazy. Did you get some?

Yeah.

Did you fuck the other two couples?

No, I just, you know, went home with myself.

And that is pretty crazy. Good for you.

Yeah, it was really fun.

It's not— I think actually fifth wheeling is the best because fifth wheeling is like you get the right amount of attention and you add the right thing to the vibe because double dates are like— I feel like there's like a lot of pressure on the two couples.

Yeah.

But when there's a fifth person, it really makes you feel good. It's like a moderator and there's no— Yeah, it's like a moderator. There's no pressure on anybody then. Yeah, you're not the third.

That's true.

Like, I like fifth-wheeling.

It was pretty fun. I mean, I'm gonna be doing it a lot, I think.

Good.

So yeah, let me know.

I also agree that you would be doing that a lot, I think, too.

I did this thing, Randonauting.

Yeah, what's that?

Last night. It's basically, it's an app. It's called Randonautica or something like that. It's this thing that people have been doing in quarantine, and you like, you ask a question, you try to like manifest something. So basically you ask a question, you manifest it, right? Like something you really want to know, and then it gives you a coordinate, gives you like a GPS coordinate, and then you go to it. What the And it like someone's—

and like, so like you'll go like, I want— will I be able to find love tonight? That's the question.

Yeah. And then it just gives you a coordinate, gives you a coordinate, a random coordinate.

Yeah.

And, um, you go there and there's all these stories, like these kids, they found like a dead body. There's all this stuff. And so then we did it last night.

What was your question?

It was, is money really the secret to my happiness?

Oh wow.

Okay, so that's, that's like what it was. I was pressured. They're like, think of something.

Wait, how did you ask it? Did you type it in or do you say—

no, no, no, I— they, they they sat with me with the app and they were like, okay, go ahead, ask your question to yourself, but don't tell us.

Is this more than an app?

It's an app.

Who sat with you? Like some—

tell my friends who told me about the app.

Oh, I thought like you went to like some readers and—

oh no, no, no, it's an app. Anybody can do it. It's called Randonautica. Okay, anybody can do it. Anybody can download this.

She's in a promo for the app too. You've said it like hashtag ad. You've said it like 3 times. Okay, okay.

I mean, I don't even know if that's what it's called.

Okay, whatever.

Okay, so I'm sorry. So yeah, so you download the app You ask a question, it'll take you to a GPS coordinate, and people have gotten some really weird shit doing this, and you can look it up. So anyways, we did it last night. The coordinates led me to this fucking area that I walked to when I was like married and miserable every day.

No way.

Yeah, bro. Seattle. Seattle Drive, like off Mulholland. It led me to the coordinates, and then not only that, it fucking— there was a sign, dog.

What?

It was a sign with written shit on it.

What are you talking about?

Like, there was a sign. It says, the kiss of the sun for pardon, the song of the birds for mirth. One is nearer God's heart in a garden than anywhere else on earth.

What are you saying? Timeout, timeout. Where was the sign? Where are you saying the sign was?

The sign—

there was a sign. Show me the picture.

The sign was there.

Oh shit, there was a sign in the actual ground.

But like, yeah, like you can read whatever you want into it. And of course I could have said like, am I gonna have another child? And I would have read something into it, but still. It took me to a place where like I went there every day for 10 years.

Okay, let me try this bitch.

Go ahead. No, we won't know because we have to go to the place.

Okay, I have to think of a question in my own head. Yeah, it's going to generate where I have to go. Yeah, to find this answer.

Yes.

Okay, I'm gonna say in my head. Hold on, here we go. It took me to 2340 North Bel Air Drive, Burbank, California. Should we go knock on this house?

Oh, my gosh. Oh, it is a house.

It is.

Yeah.

Okay, so what I thought of was, where can I get some really good enchiladas? Shut up.

No.

Son of a bitch. No, no, no.

You fucking asshole.

No, no, no, no, no. That's not what I thought of. I thought of where can I find love or find, like, happiness.

Great.

Like, some real, like, serious shit. So if we go there and it's just some of the beautiful girls.

It's a dark pirate.

I was just going to play video games. I was going to go play tennis and maybe make some TikToks. How are you? Okay, should I go drive to this house and knock on the door and see what they say?

Yeah, we need to go too.

Okay, sweetie's so excited. He thinks he's going to find love, bro.

We got to go.

This could be it.

There's a sign there that says you will never find love.

You will never get this. Let's go, let's go. All right, hey guys, sorry for the audio change. Jason and I are literally on the road. We've been driving for 18 minutes to get to this destination where apparently my answer— my question is gonna be answered.

How do you like RandoNodding so far, Dave?

I even forgot the app. I forgot what it was called because it's been so fucking long that we used it. It literally— it's a 20— it's 25 minutes away. We're 3 minutes away now. It's at Bel Air Park. It doesn't even look like it's a fucking house, so it's not like I get to knock on somebody's door and be like, hey, are you single? Here we go. Bel Air. Turning left on Bel Air. Okay, the road is closed. Is anybody else here for love? The road is closed. There's a group of people. There's 2 girls and 1 guy standing here. I'm gonna ask if they're looking for love. Hi, are you guys by any chance looking for love? Okay, it's a complete bust. Is there an ice cream truck? Oh my God, ice cream! I love ice cream. Okay, I'm going to— I'm gonna go up this fucking hill, I guess. Okay, now it's just a walk up the hill. It's a beautiful view here. The weather is really, really nice. The view's so pretty, dude. I just like— I'm in love with the view. I just kissed Karina. I'm going up the hill now. My friends are a little bit behind me. It's sort of a trek. The way that this is is like I'm in a road behind a bunch of homes, and on one side of me just a beautiful view, and on the other side are homes, but it's like the backyard of homes. So I don't know if I'm gonna see anybody here. Dude, I wish you guys could fucking see this place. I'll put on my Insta story just so you guys can see it. Dude, this shit really looks like a place you could just get murdered at. How far are we now?

700 feet. What does this mean?

700 feet away.

Dave, I think I see a sign that means something. Come over here.

It's a senior and disabled shuttle pickup. That's for me. Come on, Jay, stay focused. It's 250 feet on the left.

Hello? Yeah, over here.

Hello?

It's me. Are you looking for love?

Yeah, me too. What brought you here?

Some stupid app my older friends told me about.

Oh my God, how old are you?

I'm 24.

I'm 24.

No shit. David, I've got it. Look at this sign. Not a public road. No unauthorized vehicles allowed beyond this gate. Not a public road. David, it's so clear. Don't you see it now? Your love life is not— the love of your life is not going to be found in a public fashion.

What?

It's not gonna be public. It's not gonna be like somebody else who's famous or something. You need to find a regular girl.

I would say that there's another sign right below the sign you just read that says "Notice: Dog Owners," aka the love of your life probably has a dog.

Wow.

But also, you're not seeing "Not a Public Road"?

Are you fucking with me?

I'm not fucking with you. You're not reading into this. You don't see it? It says it right in front of your goddamn face.

You're an asshole.

I fucking—

I hate that I came this far with you because you're delusional. Bro, it's a fucking street sign. The one above it says no smoking in this area. What does that mean?

You're supposed to read into it. What do you think, she's gonna be sitting here with a bow on her?

No.

No, you fucking moron. Not a public road. That's what you're reading.

That's a clue. You're not supposed to have your— you're not gonna find your life in a public road.

Jay, you sound like a fucking lunatic.

You're not gonna find the love of your life like in Hollywood or like someone else like on Instagram. You're not gonna find somebody based off like your celebrity. You're gonna find somebody based off who you are, and that's where you need to keep looking. No unauthorized vehicles allowed. So that's not gonna get through.

No, I fucking hate you, Jay. I fucking hate you.

Wait a minute, Corinna, you knew before. Corinna, you knew before YouTube, so Corinna does have a chance. Look at that, how that road is closed off and that road's closed off and the other road we tried to get this close up, you're closed off. That's what it's saying. You've got to open up.

Weird.

It is kind of really fucking weird if you think about it, bro.

It could have sent us anywhere. It could have sent us to Pepe's Pizza. It sent us here.

Holy shit. But what do I do?

I don't know. You got to open up and fuck Corinna right now. I don't know.

No, you're right. Okay, you're really reading into it, but that is pretty— that is pretty fishy because this is like— there's not many— there's not many intersections you can end up in LA where every road is closed off. That is kind of funny, and I wish you guys can see this shit. Yeah, I'm gonna put on my Insta stories here, guys. This is— I'm gonna put it on the day the podcast comes out. You'll see it on my Insta stories. This is the road we're at currently, guys, and that was the audio from my Insta story. Everything is closed off, and that's where we came from. This is so bizarre.

Yeah, she's standing, bro.

Ella just walked around, guys. We're like in an empty parking lot, and Ella just goes, I think we're missing something. I'm like, Ella, this isn't a fucking escape room. This is real life.

She just squatted down and then took her index finger and rubbed it around along the ground and then looked at it and said, "I think we're missing something, Chief." She's licking the poles, tasting for what might have been a possible suspect or my possible love.

I think Jason got it. My SVU detective skills are really trusting Jay right now. I'll take him to the captain.

I do, Jason, I honestly, as much as I think this is all bullshit, I think that's a pretty interesting sign that I am closed off. Alright, back to the studio. Hi guys, we have Natalie's mom here. Her road tripping has led her here for the next week. Were you randomly stationed up in SoCal for the time being? What brings you to town? She has a piece of tape over her webcam, as I can tell, on her computer. That is the most off-the-grid Jen thing I've ever seen.

Do you want to talk about paranoia with cameras?

Well, yeah, why do you put a— why do you put a piece of tape over your webcam?

So they You can't see me.

Who can't see you?

Usually people put a thing on their laptop camera so no one sees them masturbating. That's usually why.

Oh, that's the only reason I would think that it's there. Is there another reason that it's there?

Well, maybe to be seen. I don't think Jen masturbates a lot in front of the computer, but maybe she's like, you know, conspiracy theorist or thinks the government's watching her or something.

Natalie's mom is always listening.

They're listening to us right now.

Well, yeah, it's The Views podcast.

A lot of people are listening.

Yeah, so are almost 2 million other people.

I think she was a little mad at the roast joke that we did about her in the roast video.

Oh, she—

that was the first thing she said.

Oh yeah, what did you— what did you think about Jason's joke during his roast? Jason, what was your joke?

Uh, well, we don't need to repeat this.

We need to repeat the joke because not everyone saw the video.

They'll see the podcast.

Can we repeat the joke just so we know it?

I said Jason is always hitting on my mom and always getting rejected. He should go hit on someone else, like Jonah or someone.

Yeah, someone in his league.

Some garbage or something.

Jonah or like a piece of garbage. Yeah.

And then what did you say?

And then I said, sorry, we got a late start tonight. Um, I was eating out Natalie— I was eating out Natalie's mom in her RV. Instead of a mukbang, I did a muff dive.

Oh yeah.

What did you think when you heard that? Were you flattered or were you, um, flattered?

I wasn't sure if I should be flattered Or offended, I'll be honest.

Right, right, right.

I was kind of like— I just had all these mixed emotions.

Yeah, I would have no idea how you would react to it. What did you do?

But I mean, obviously I laughed. I was really surprised when it was the, um, the, the lead story on your Instagram, the promo.

Oh, I did use that as promo. I was like, I didn't want to use anything about David because I get a phone call from him like, take that down. So I did use you. Yeah, I was a little risqué for my Instagram. It would have been 10 times better if you were there. Damn it.

Oh my God, that would have been—

you should come to the next one.

We should do the roast of Natalie's mom.

No, I couldn't handle it.

I couldn't handle it. You guys are too terrible to me.

No, I'd be crying the entire time.

That'd be fucking great. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Go buy the new merch, go support Jason, go buy his— do you have new merch that comes out?

No, they won't allow me to have merch anymore.

All right, well, go buy my merch in support of Jason, and I'll give him, uh, I'll buy him a pizza from the proceeds.

Great.

All right, we'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff. Bye.