Pranking Friend On National Television

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where today we're going to talk about what came first, the fruit or the color orange? Hit me.

Uh, the fruit.

Yeah, I agree.

Yeah.

All right, roll the music. I did The Drew Barrymore Show today, and as you guys know, Drew Barrymore is in one of my favorite fucking movies ever, 50 First Dates. And as you know, that is a really hot topic. On The Views podcast because Jason and I have gotten into serious arguments about like whether or not we like that movie or whatever. Like, I think it's in the top 10 best movies of all time.

Is it in the top 10? That's the argument.

Yeah, that's the argument.

I don't dislike it.

I've always said it is.

And he's like, it's not anywhere near the top 10. So we told this to Drew and we told this to our producers and they were like, great, let's get Jason on a Zoom. Let's have him talk shit about 50 First Dates and then Drew will pop in. Who's the star of 51st Dates, and she can like put in her input and, you know, see if she can change his mind, whatever. I was like, great. And we told him, Jason, can you get on this radio interview thing I have with CBS? I said it was like Seventeen magazine or something. And Jason got on the Zoom and I started talking with him first, and I told him it was like a pop quiz, and I was asking him like questions. And like the first question was like, who's your favorite musical artist?

He started to do the game with the fake game, and I was like, this is good. And I was like, we're not getting the same answers, but I still think this is a fun game.

Okay. And then, and favorite music artist. Who did you say?

I said Steely Dan.

You said Steely Dan and I said Lana Del Rey. And then I was like, dude, we can never agree on anything. And then, and then I was like, okay, well, what's your favorite movie? And I go, I go 50 First Dates. And he goes, what did you say? Fellas, Goodfellas. And, and I go, dude, come on, bro. Like, admit that. Like, and then I got into the whole 50 First Dates and then I signaled Drew to enter the Zoom after I'd already talked shit. Yeah. After, after Jason was like, bro, you cannot fucking tell me that that movie Yeah, he's on the Zoom. He's like going, you cannot tell me that you think that movie deserves to be even in the top 100 of movies. And then Drew comes in and she goes, oh really? And Jason, dude, okay, first of all, I didn't know Jason was going to react like this. Jason, I was shocked that you reacted like this.

What did I do?

Well, I thought you were like, I thought you were going to be like, you were like going to be like brave and you're going to be like funny and like stick to your guns and like be like, haha, the show. Or like, I don't know, make a joke about like, oh shit, Drew didn't see you there or like that. But you like panicked.

I completely panicked.

You went— dude, he fucking panicked. Like, like, I don't know if like a regular person will be able to tell watching, but like I was like, oh my God, this dude's— dude, he goes, he goes, Drew comes on, she goes, oh really? And he goes, oh my God. And then he goes, he goes, Drew, Drew, I mean, we were at the grocery store once. And I literally go, oh my God, I can't believe he's turning into one of these people. He literally goes, he goes, this is, this is a story. And I already started laughing and then And then he's like, catches his breath again. He's like, Drew, Drew, we were at the grocery store once. I was getting mustard and I was picking up the mustard and I saw you and you smiled at me. And literally I was like, oh, that was my reaction to seeing you. That's what Jason said. And I was like, I cannot fucking believe.

I felt so bad when she came on the screen. I was like, oh fuck, now I'm like dissing probably her, one of her favorite things she's probably ever done. That was all I reacted. I was like, Fuck. I was like, oh God, no, Drew Barrymore's feelings.

That was so funny. And then, oh boy.

But then I recovered and I was like, look, it's the top 10. I said I like the movie, but it is not in the top 10 greatest movies of all time.

We finished the argument off. Drew was the best sport about it. But it was just, dude, I— the last— like, if I was to bet on all your reactions, the last one was the one you gave us.

You didn't think I would panic?

No, but that's like, that's like when I surprise people with like, with like when I surprise people with Kylie Jenner.

Yeah.

And then they go, oh, they go, oh, she's not my favorite sister. And then she pops up and they go, well, you actually, your new makeup line is so amazing. Like, honestly, I've been using it. Like, honestly, right? Like, that's the type of panic you had. And it was the funniest fucking thing. I was like, I cannot believe.

Were you nervous when, when I saw her? I was like a ghost. I was like, oh fuck, you didn't see it coming at all. Not at all. Not at all. She said it was Seventeen magazine.

When I texted Jason this morning, like, I texted him probably like 45 minutes beforehand. I was like, hey, like, David needs help. Like, Seventeen magazine is going to interview him for some pop culture stuff. Seventeen magazine is owned by CBS, or CBS, which I like totally pulled out of my ass. And the way that Jason responded, he was like, yeah, okay, where do you need me and when? And I could just tell he was in like that panic state where like anything I said didn't really matter. He wasn't even thinking about what I was saying. Like, he didn't question it at all.

Ella was with, uh, Ella was with Zane the other day. This is really funny. What she told me to say— what happened? Oh my God.

We were like, I was like, I had to drop him out, like, pick, drop him off from somewhere. So I was like, oh, I'm— I have my car if we want to take my car. He's like, what car do you have? I said, I have a Mini. He goes, a Mini what? And I'm like, a Mini Cooper. I was about to say a Mini SUV.

Oh, oh, a Mini what?

Isn't that the fucking most Zane thing you could possibly hear?

Yeah.

A Mini what? That's such a fucking— dude, when I heard that story, I thought we all died. I thought it was the funniest fucking thing. A Mini what? It's like something you'd see in a movie.

Zane's really smart.

And then It's like a Zach Galifianakis moment in like Hangover when you're like, I drive a Mini. Oh my God, a Mini. What? Yeah, that's such a funny joke. My God, she made the deepest pizza. It turned out horrible, but she's still eating it.

Every time I take a bite of anything today, we had a meeting today and I have not eaten all day. It is 2 p.m. in this meeting.

She does the worst thing. She does the worst in front of everybody.

We're watching something on the TV or whatever. We've been, we've been sitting in this meeting for 45 minutes. All people that we know. Very close people.

Preach.

My lunch comes, it's sitting there for 20 minutes, and I'm like, like, I'm starving right now, I just want to have a bite of food. So I go to grab it and they put on the thing, um, they're like, now— and then as soon as I grab it, they're like, Natalie, watch, like, keep watching the TV. And it's— God forbid I look away for 2 seconds and David goes, oh, isn't that the worst when she does that? So annoying.

Because they put something on the front of everybody.

Well, your whole story is you eating. That's your whole Instagram story. Tay bringing me watermelon. The next one's like, Tay's got the cheese.

They put something on TV because we were like, we were looking at commercials, like good commercials, and they're like, let's watch this one, this is a good commercial. And they put it on, and I hit play, and Natalie reaches for the food as we hit play, and the guy that's here for the meeting goes, Natalie, hold on. And I go, and I go, yeah, I fucking hate when she does that.

It literally looks at me like so disgusted.

I hate that. I hate when like when we're talking about like creative projects and someone like puts one on that they like really enjoy.

Yeah.

And then Natalie, who works in the creative field, decides that her turkey BLT is better, a better choice.

That's why I got stopped getting invited to the meetings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I get it.

It's so rude though, how you insult everyone.

Yeah. Like in front of people. Like, you don't need to make me feel like shit.

He said it first. He said it first.

Yeah, but you didn't have to validate it.

And I made it 10 times worse. Oh, you just got food sexist.

Sexist.

And it's the same. No, bro.

And it's literally the same food.

I don't know.

They just bumped fists. Ilya and David just bumped fists.

And you're such a hypocrite. Every time you have food, every time your meal comes, everyone has to drop everything so that you can fucking inhale it like a fucking animal.

Keyword inhale. I'm done with it quickly.

You're over here going, you don't even give me the opportunity.

All I hear is, all I hear is, Jay, it's really hard here. I can't wear any— I can't wear anything in this household. Not one outfit.

Make fun of everything you wear.

That David does not make a comment about.

Bro, it's the funniest shit because she wears the funniest— Ill, back me up on this.

Yeah, yeah.

He brings in fucking dick sucking Ilya. Oh, wow.

Dick suck. Yo, Ilya, suck my dick real quick and tell me how right I am.

Hold on. First off, I don't suck David's dick. Okay. Second off, I just genuinely agree with— I agree with a lot of things that he says. Why is that a problem? Why is that a problem?

That's my point.

You guys are sharing.

I think he's a smart intellectual person. Like, he's intellectual. I think he's a smart intellectual.

However you said that word, I agree. That's how it should be said.

And like, honestly, I agree for you.

That's good for you.

You don't think he's smart and like honestly the best person ever?

I think that he is. All right, well, hold on. What do you think about Elle's outfits? They're easy to make fun of.

Yeah, very easy. Like the other day you dressed as, uh, like a cheetah from like a band.

Yeah.

And like the day before that you were fucking, I don't know, a cheetah from a band.

Okay, let me preface. First of all, today I wore a very bland outfit. On purpose.

Didn't say anything today.

I know, because I wore this on purpose.

My favorite is when Ella walks in and like, I have like 3 seconds to come up with a good joke. Like, it's always new every day. So like, sometimes she'll like, the pants will be too baggy and I'll be like, hey, would you just come back from a hip-hop shoot? And like, that's—

it's always—

and every day, every day.

I agree. It's just, it's not the best work environment, but it keeps, it keeps people on their toes.

And you know what? I'll take it just because they have absolutely no style.

So I don't care. Hold on.

Time out.

Time out.

There's no time out here.

There's no time out. You have zero style. You have no say in this.

I'm saying time out because 100% I have zero style.

So what gives you the right to fucking judge everybody for what they're wearing?

It's not judging. I'm just cracking jokes.

You know those pinstripe pants that David wears? He looks like he's played for the Yankees in the 1920s.

Those make my butt look big.

I walked in here, she goes, you going horseback riding? Because I was wearing green pants.

Yeah, she had pants the other day and I was like, did you park your horse by the garage? It's just so funny. And the best part is, is like, like with jokes like that is like you can like initially she'll come in the morning around 9:30 AM and like you can make the horseback riding joke, but then throughout the day you could still make the same reference but in different ways, right? Like be like, you know, we'll have to go to a meeting and be like, okay, uh, yeah, Natalie, Taylor, come with me. Ella, get your horse and follow us. Like that's, that's the best part.

Really fair though. Cause you're in your pajamas. You're just, she has to go to a work environment. So she's got to dress up. And why don't you like— why don't you dress like him?

But I make fun of her every day for something that other people would think are cool. Like, I'm not like knocking on her for every— for something that everybody would be like, wow, okay. Like, everyone would— like, if people saw how Ella dresses, they'd be like, oh wow, she looks cool. And that's the reason I knock her down. I'm punching up, I'm not punching down.

I gotcha.

Yeah, but I just think it's incredible.

Maybe tell her—

remember, tell her you just told her, right? Did you hear what he said?

Yeah, that's—

he said that he thinks you look really good.

You think I have style? You just like to make fun of me.

I mean, you 100% have style. I just think style is the funniest fucking thing in the world because I think—

because you wear all black every day.

Yeah.

I mean, people at your last job rank on you, rag on you.

No, I was the fucking most stylish person in my office.

Well, you still are the most stylish person here.

That's why I stopped wearing anything but black on black.

No, but I think you're— I think your style is cool.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

The other day, Ilya and I were sitting on the couch and Ilya just out of the blue asks me, hey, Nat, would you want to marry me? And I was like, Jesus Christ, dude, he doesn't fucking stop with this question.

And it like, he's asked me this 4 times.

And it sparked this memory in my head. And I think this goes back to when, um, when he was on the wisdom teeth and he like professed his love for me in downtown Chicago, right? And he was like, I'm gonna— he told me like, he looked me dead into my eyes, like deep into my soul. He was like, I'm going to marry you one day. It was like, whether you like it or not, we are going to get married. I know it, I feel it, I know we are going to be married.

He told you this when you were at When you were doing the wisdom teeth? Yeah. When he was high on drugs.

Yeah. When he was high on drugs, he got his wisdom teeth removed.

I remember that. Okay. Yeah.

And it was like this really intense moment. I was like, this is also the first time I even knew that he was really that into me.

And yeah, I remember going into the wisdom surgery like days prior. I just found out he had like a huge crush on you. And I was like, and I remember we were going to fly to Chicago to do the wisdom teeth surgery. And I remember I was like, I think I was talking to Jason. I don't know who I was talking to, but I was like, yo, I just found out. Ilya really likes Natalie. I'm going to try to squeeze it out of him when I'm going to try to squeeze out of him when he's on drugs.

Squeezing.

It wasn't, it wasn't, it just fucking poured out of him. I didn't even have to squeeze. But yeah. Okay. And then what happened?

But then, and then Ilya and I kept going down memory lane and we like dredged up like last year when we went to Lollapalooza. And after that moment when he had professed his love, there was like, there was like this little like month or two of like, I would see him, we'd have this little like, like cutesy little like flirting thing.

Well, you guys have— you've never kissed?

Yeah, we have. We've kissed 2 times, 3 times.

Oh, what the fuck? You guys have kissed?

Wait, what?

You didn't know that?

Why are you looking at me? And Natalie, you're looking at me like you've never kissed. Ilya, you're looking at me like you have kissed.

No, David, you know that we've kissed. Oh, you were the one that was like— that set it up, that made it like happen.

Oh, hell yeah. Good for me.

Wait, what are you talking about? On the helicopter pad?

Yeah, I don't know, bro. I have fucking bad— I have bad memory.

Are you dumb?

Why do you guys always do this?

Yeah, bro, you caught it on video.

You're like, yo, yo, my best friend, yo, he's about to kiss my other best friend, like to everybody.

What are you talking about? Oh shit. Yeah, I remember I remember helicopter pad. Yeah, yeah, I have no idea what we're talking about. Yeah, I don't know.

You don't remember? We were at, um, Cameo had a party in that penthouse at the end of Lollapalooza, and Ilya like opened this window.

Yeah, I was recording on the staircase of the helicopter.

Yes.

I didn't know you guys kissed. Hell yeah, fuck yeah, good for you.

How did you not know that? I just turned it off.

I forgot. Why are you fucking blowing up my fucking shit right now, dog?

Because Oh, take it easy.

That was such like a big thing. And I got so mad at you for recording it because you were like begging me to put it in the vlog.

Oh, you didn't let me put it in?

No, of course not.

Yeah, bro. Fucking bitch.

Okay.

And then you met David Blaine.

Do you remember that? Fuck, that was me. Yeah, that was you.

You've done a lot of stuff, actually. David. Right, right, right.

Now, I have a bad memory and I fucking hate that, bro. I fucking get tested on it so often and you guys fucking piss on me. I'm sorry.

Yeah, you deserve it.

Don't you remember? We were in— we went to Bottle Blondes and I just found out a week ago.

Aaliyah's not from Russia, he's from Belarus. And he's like, you didn't fucking know? Belarus. And he's like, and he's like, you didn't fucking know? And I was like, dude, I just forgot. Like, chill, I'm so sorry. Like, I know, I know you're of the Russian world, I just didn't know which— I didn't know which tribe you came from.

He doesn't know my first name sometimes.

That's Andy, come on.

Um, do you— you don't remember this? When we were at Bottle Blonde, I think it was also Lollapalooza weekend, and this is what—

oh, okay, I remember this one.

Oh, you guys have kids?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay.

Oh, I totally forgot about that.

Yeah, I really forgot about that until right now.

Okay. Yeah, you kissed that bottle blonde.

I don't know how we kissed. I think we were both like fucking plastered, blacked out, like fucking hammered.

I remember it, I remember, and I was blind.

What?

Like, he freaked out.

Like, started like recording me, and like, we're like running down the streets like screaming, you kissed Natalie!

And like, and they're like, there was like all these people waiting for us to leave the club or whatever, and everyone got these recordings about— and so all like the fans the next day were piecing together like people's different recordings of like Ilya running around freaking out. And people were like, I think Natalie and Ilya kissed. And the next day you were like, I need this in the vlog, I need it. And you tried to like come up to me, record me, and I just smacked your camera out of your face. I was like, Ilya, I can't fucking believe that you were the first person I told you not to tell. You go run and tell him.

Wait, is this the first time we've ever talked about you guys kissing?

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh wow, I didn't know that was like a secret. Wow, that is nuts.

I mean, it wasn't really a secret, kind of like—

Did you guys, did you guys go home and cuddle? Wait, oh my God!

Oh yeah, I brought up my apartment the other day. Listen, listen, I brought up my apartment.

Wait, you went home with him that night? Yeah, listen, listen. Holy fuck, that's so gross.

Listen, listen.

Yeah, I brought up my apartment today. I'm like, man, I really miss my apartment in Sydney. I turned to Natalie, I'm like, you've never seen it, it's crazy, like it's beautiful. And she goes, I have seen it.

I'm like, oh shit, you have seen it!

And I remembered—

Wait, what'd you guys do back there? That was—

this was all one This is the helicopter pad night.

Oh my God.

No, no, no, no, no.

Listen to the story.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, so it all started, we went to this party and they had a helicopter pad and Ilya was like, oh my God, this would be so romantic. This would be my moment with Natalie. And he like brings me out and I'm like, I'm fucking hammered out of my mind. It's like 2 o'clock in the morning. I have no idea what's happening.

Helicopter pad, not the best place to save somebody when they're hammered.

And he takes me there and we sit down and you have the video. Ilya tries so many— he like keeps leaning in. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's leaning in over and over again.

Ilya tried to kiss you like 4 times.

Yeah, a bunch of times.

Drew, I think it happened on the first time.

No, it didn't.

No, bro, I don't remember.

No, no, no, no, I remember. I remember now, especially because, because like you— to get me to memorize things, you— or to get me to remember things, you have to take me back to where I was begging Natalie to use that clip. And I remember how many— I was shooting, I was standing outside and I was shooting you for like 40 minutes. And you kept trying to kiss her. And like, me and me and like our hometown friends, I think it was Mike. I don't know who it was, but we were just like, come on, come on, come on. And it fucking never happened. Okay, then what happened?

You guys went together, you stopped videoing, and I knew that you guys were videoing me, so I was like super like insecure, like, I don't know what to do. So you guys finally went away and then we finally kissed and then everyone was— and we hung out on the helicopter pad and then everyone was like, okay, we're leaving. It was like 4 in the morning.

Oh my God.

And so all my friends are like, got the taxi. I was supposed to go with them. And Ilya came downstairs with me and he was like, no, no, come back with me. And I was like, I don't know about that because I was like, oh my God, he's gonna like want to do some stuff and I'm not like not down for that, right? And then, um, but then I like turned to my friend Sloane, she was like, just go with him. I was like, okay. So then we went back to Ilya's apartment and we just went to bed.

No, we kissed in my apartment.

Did you guys make out?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, I, I remember that.

Did you? Okay, sorry, it's a little more detailed.

We watched a movie. What movie did we watch? Pineapple Express.

Yes, yes, yes.

Did you guys— did you guys— did you like feel her up? Did you like—

no, no, no, no. And after that, after that, we went to bed. And then the next morning we got up and like, both of our phones were dead. Yeah, both of our phones were dead. Like, nobody knew where we were. It was like fucking 1 PM the next day. Everyone's like, what the fuck is going on? Where the fuck are Natalie and Ilya, bro?

That is like— now looking at you guys, that is so weird.

It's really weird.

That is really weird. That is a disgusting story.

No, it's not. It's like— it's not disgusting.

Yeah, it is, bro. It's like me going like, dude, do you remember the time I made out with my sister? Like, that's literally what it fucking sounds like.

What are you talking about?

You just asked her to marry her the other day.

What are you talking about? Why is that weird?

Well, you don't think it's weird now that, like, they know each other?

Like, I mean, I've known him longer than you have.

I wouldn't even say that.

Yeah, I would say that.

I've known Ilya longer. I think maybe you've seen him around. I've known him longer.

No, Ilya and I are best friends in the third grade. Are you crazy?

Do you really think you're going to marry Natalie?

Hold on, hold on. Let me finish the story real quick. Okay, so, so the next morning we wake up, like, you know, we start driving back to the hotel where everybody is, and like, I'm like all macho.

Oh, cool.

Natalie home. Fuck you guys, you know?

Yeah.

So we walk in, like, we knock on the door, we walk into the hotel room, and the first thing Natalie says before I get to say anything, she goes, nothing happened.

Nothing happened.

Nothing happened. I'm like, oh great. Like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

And yeah, that's it.

I just noticed your new tattoo and I was so confused by it. When the fuck did you get that?

I got it like 4 nights ago.

So yeah, what is that?

I went to this, uh, you know, have you seen— have you ever seen Emperor's New Groove?

Oh, it's a llama.

Yeah, it's the vile.

I've never seen it, but yeah.

How many tats you have now?

I think 13.

Wow. I don't know which one you hate the most.

I don't hate any of them. I think my shark tattoo is my least favorite one.

There was a compilation on Twitter yesterday. Someone tweeted it was everybody that got an Apple tattoo that says Think Different. Like, that's Apple's slogan is Think Different. And it was like 40 people and they tagged me and they're like, this is Ilya.

I don't get lame tattoos like that.

Let me see which one. Show me the lame one.

It's on my knee.

Oh, so you know you have a lame one. It's not lame.

It's my least favorite.

No, I'm kidding. Let me see. This one's lame, bro. Discipline.

I like that one. What are you talking about? Everybody likes discipline.

I don't know. And then what is this one? You have Texas on your—

it's Belarus. I'm kidding.

Who's from Belarus?

I am.

Yeah, no, listen, who's from Belarus? I was on—

I was on this—

that's not Russia.

Listen, I was on this date with this girl.

Yeah.

And I was on a double date with Joe and Annalise, and my date's name was also Annalise.

Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah.

What if you went home with the wrong Annalise?

I mean, I almost did. That was pretty crazy.

That would be confusing. And, and just to preface, Joe, just to preface this double date You— it wasn't a coincidence that her name was Annalise. You found an Annalise on Instagram and you DM'd her and you said, can you go on a date with my other friend who's also named Annalise?

Yeah.

Okay, so you looked— you cast this Annalise.

Yeah, I cast it.

Okay.

Yeah.

And then what happened?

So we were at— we were at dinner and Joe and his girlfriend were asking Annalise and I questions about, you know, like us, right? Like what we have in common.

Yeah.

And like one of the questions was, what's your favorite movie? And at the same time, deadass, We both said Emperor's New Groove. Wow, that's fucking insane.

Now that's crazy.

That's really crazy.

That's what was your reaction like?

We both like freaked out.

We were like, what the fuck?

You think she knew that like that was your favorite movie?

Maybe, I don't know, because that's like, that's, that's fucking—

yeah, I've never heard anybody in my life say this.

I know, that's why, that's why we got these tattoos. So we got matching tattoos at a tattoo parlor that night.

Oh, you— oh, she got one too? Yeah, her first tattoo.

Really?

No, she's, she has tattoos.

Okay. Yo, the funniest fucking thing. I went over to Jason's house to, like, see— like, watch. So weird to watch the election. It was weird being at Jason's house.

It was so nice to have you there, to be honest.

It was nice. It's a very comfortable house. And Jason was texting Marnie, his ex-wife, and I could tell he was stressed out. And I was like, what is she saying? And he goes, I just texted her, like, as a joke, because we're watching the election. He goes, hey, who's winning? That's what he texted Marnie. And she goes, I'm reading the text right now. She goes, are you fucking with me? He goes, no, lol, I was just asking what you think. How is it looking? She goes, I don't know, I just ordered their fucking food from CPK and canceled immediately because it says pickup. They were charging me the $80 for the order anyway, so I'm ready to start smashing things. I suggest you stop texting me, bro. That's fucking crazy that she got like that for the fucking election.

Then she got— then she called me later and was upset about something, and she ended it with She's like, I'm just letting you know that I'm moving out of this fucking country. And I was like, okay, okay, I gotcha. It's election night.

You made her sound like a man. I'm moving out of this fucking country.

I did. It came out like that.

It came out very manly. And then it was really funny because Marnie was fucking so pissed. And then Jason calls his daughter, who's like, what, 12 years old, 13 years old? And it's just so funny because, because you just see, you see Charlie pick up and she's like, oh my god, she's freaking out right now. And it was like so funny to see Jason have a conversation conversation with his 12-year-old daughter about how much mom was freaking out. And Jason was like, yep, Charlie, it's all your fault. You shouldn't have campaigned so hard for Trump. Now he's going to win the election and your mother's going to hate you forever.

And she was on— then she was on Charlie about like posting late on election night on TikTok. And Charlie's like, all my followers are 10.

They don't vote.

Uh, guys, we have a special guest here on our podcast. It's, uh, Mr. Killinger, I just call him J-Dog now. I just call him Kill.

Mr. Killinger sounds like some sort of English hitman.

Yeah, he was an English hitman. Like, if you're waiting, like, he's my English teacher. Before we go anywhere, that's what I should say. In high school. What year did you teach me?

Your sophomore year.

Holy shit. I was just a little baby. My sophomore year. He taught me. We bonded. He helped me cheat on tests. It was fucking crazy. Yeah, he would slip me. He would slip me answers.

Yeah, I was going to say, helping cheat, like, doesn't quite go far enough. Like, I would just give you the answers.

You give me the answers. He'd fill it all out for me.

No, he wouldn't.

No, no, no, no. I'm trying to give him— Trying to get him fired. Joe, cut out the part where we say he didn't and just keep it— make it seem like he's a bad man. No, I'm kidding. But, but yeah, Kils in L.A., he's visiting. It's really exciting. So I want to bring him by, see if he has any high school memories we can unleash.

I've got all kinds of high school memories. I feel like most of my good stories about you now are post-high school, just in terms of—

there's a good story you have now?

Crazy. Yeah. Your life is insane right now.

Every time I hang out, it's like people High school is so, so interesting.

I know, but high school, you were just like, yeah.

Oh, bro, did we, did we talk about this in the last podcast? I took him to Chief Keef's house. I was doing this, like, I did a photoshoot for my friend Shelby and Sandy. They have a new brand coming out, and I took Killinger to Chief Keef's house, and which is fucking really weird. It was like, it's like, first of all, I asked him to do it. I was surprised he said yes. I was like, you mind coming to Chief Keef? A little bit of both. So it was a photoshoot at Chief Keef's house. I've never met him before. And Chief Keef's a rapper, for those of you who don't know. So I was like kind of nervous. I was like, oh man, like what if I'm like not tough enough to be hanging out with him? I look like a little bitch. And I asked Killinger, I was like, can you come with me to Chief Keef's house just for protection? Just so I feel safe. But no, we pull up to the house. Chief Keef was super nice.

Totally nice.

Like so nice. Like right off the gate, like he was really nice. He knew that we were both from Chicago, so he like said like Chicago boys, which is really funny. And then I was reading through the comments of like the picture of me and him, and one of the comments was two very different parts of Chicago. It was really funny, but it was really funny because Chief Keef's friend was there also. And while I was taking pictures with Chief Keef, Killinger was like talking up one of his friends and it was the fucking funniest thing.

It was like, yeah, it wasn't smooth. My wife and I both were like trying to keep a conversation going and it was just not like we didn't have anything to talk about. We kept trying. I was like, so are you also from Chicago? He's like, no, I'm from L.A. Like, okay, yeah, regrouping. Like, and are you also a rapper? Like, no, we're like, all right, we're out of questions.

It was like, dude, it was the way I described it. It was like exactly like watching a Jason Bateman movie where Jason Bateman has to like smuggle drugs across from Mexico because his boss is making him. And now he's like stuck talking to the cartel and he doesn't know how to make conversation even though he's supposed to be the cool guy. Like, that's how Killinger felt in that moment.

Well, the setup was weird too, because again, it was Chief Keef's first time meeting you and you were like, hey, I'm David. This is my English teacher. It's a really fucked up way to introduce.

Yeah, yeah. It wasn't like it wasn't a winning situation. But it turned out pretty fucking great. So I was very, very excited. Were you nervous? Um, I think you don't get nervous.

I wouldn't say I was nervous. It was, it was unusual.

On our way over there, I was just fucking blasting all of Chief Keef's music and I was like, you don't know this one? And I was like, this is love. So, so. And Killian's just like, no, not familiar with this one.

Jason, I was trying to pretend that it was because I quit teaching and so like the kids aren't keeping me hip anymore. I'm like, no, David, like, I'm sure I wouldn't know the song, like, because kids told me stuff. And he was like, no, dude, this definitely came out when you were still— yeah, I was like, okay, but yeah, I have no idea.

This was definitely popping when you were like a teacher. This is what everybody was listening to.

Did other teachers talk shit about David?

Yeah, for sure. Oh, 100%.

Which one?

I'm not going to say.

Oh, they're still teaching. You can't say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I can't be like, oh, this one, like, name drop.

But I know, I know one. Yeah, I'm going to say right now, we'll take it out. Well, let's change his name to Mr. Marco. Okay, Mr. Marco, what would he say?

So, I mean, Mr. Marco, like, I would be sitting in the teacher's workroom and he would come up to me and be like, what the fuck is up with this? I swear to God.

Bullshit.

Swear to God.

Bullshit.

Because they knew that I— that you and I— like, I don't know if they saw us in the hallways talking or what, but like, they knew that we were friends. Other, other teachers, I would say 2 to 3 other teachers would come up to me between your junior and senior year, like, after, after I taught you. I swear to God, hand to God, they would come up to me and be like, Killinger, like, what the fuck do I do with this David kid? Like, he's— I don't— he like doesn't do a goddamn thing.

Like, I wasn't that bad.

No, it wasn't like you were misbehaving, but you wouldn't do the work.

Really?

I— and it was like— it was like a defiance thing too. I could have— I could have said like, hey, make a 4-minute video with your friends, like, about English. And you'd be like, fuck that. I'm not— I'm going to do the exact opposite of that. Like, you never did the stuff that I just never—

well, the things I didn't do, I just didn't see like a point to. I just, I've just never, never felt it necessary to do anything that wasn't going to like further my like whatever I wanted to do. So like that's how I would always copy and cheat because I like, I knew that I never wanted to have anything to do with trigonometry or chemistry. So I'm like, I can totally cheat in this class and it won't affect the rest of my life at all.

And I honestly feel like that's part of why you and I got along so well, because I'm the exact opposite. But I admire that sort of mindset. I am a rule follower and I will fucking— if I want to do something, I will read 15 books about it before I even try it. I will— like, if anybody in any position of authority is like, tell me that, like, do this or XYZ, I'm like, yes, sir. I'll, you know, of course, of course. I don't question whether or not it's good for— or whether it's useful for me. And you are the exact opposite. And I was like, this kid—

I'm the type of guy that goes to somebody like you who's read 15 books about something and then just ask him and just gets an answer like a lot quicker, right?

Which has led to some pretty funny, like, FaceTime calls over the last few years where it's like, if it's like 1 in the morning, and you'll FaceTime me like, "Killinger, I don't know about this." Can you give me more specifics on how he was shit-talking me? Yeah, because it was always about, I mean, so they would definitely talk shit about me.

Mr. Marko and I, just to be fair, we were very like, we were very polar opposites. He was like the artsy, like loves literature, loves character work. I don't know how to explain it. How do you explain that?

So he and I even had like really different teaching styles in that I loved like talking about personal stuff, like with, with kids, just like to connect with them. And he was like all business. He just like wanted to do the schoolwork because when he was a student, he's like, I fucking hated when teachers would like try to get to be my friend. Like, I just wanted to do the work. And so that was his teaching style. He was like, sit down, let's fucking get through this. Like, we can have fun while we're doing it, but not— oh, that's going to be the plan.

Yeah. So me and him were totally opposite. And I remember one day in class, I've said this on the podcast, I don't remember how exactly he said it because I don't remember it as well, but he was you're— I don't know if this was him, but he's like, you're not funny, David, or something like that. Like, it was, it was to those words, which is like the worst thing to tell. Like, yeah, he was like, you're not funny, David. Like, no one here, no one here is laughing. No one thinks you're funny. That's what he said to me. And I remember he said this in front of the class, like in front of everybody. Like, and he said it, well, like, and I, and I was very, like, in school I became very cautious about like being obnoxious and blurting things out. Like, there were definitely like some kids that would like blurt more things out. But like, I was very careful. Like, I was like, I'm going to try to keep to myself and only like hit when the funny moments are really there. Like, I'm really not going to try to talk unless it's like really important because I've learned it because so many of my other friends have been embarrassed by teachers in that same regard. Like, so many of my friends were obnoxious and the teacher was like, you're being annoying. Everyone finds you annoying right now. And like, that taught me a lesson. I was like, fuck, I got to like hold back. And this time I was talking to somebody party, um, like my neighbor in my chair, and Mr. Marco was like setting up the class or whatever. And like I was just talking, it was just me and me and this person like laughing to each other. And that's when he called me out and he's like, you're not funny. And it wasn't even a comment I made to the entire class, it was— I was just having a conversation with this one person.

It was something you did earlier that he was ready to pounce on.

Yeah. So I was like, fuck. And dude, when a teacher calls you out like that in the fucking middle of the class, it's fucking— that's like traumatizing. It's like something that you'll remember for the rest of your and I do. But what else did he say?

So, I mean, that was the thing, was that like he didn't— the crazy thing is he didn't like dislike you.

No way.

I swear, dude, he felt like me. No, let me actually change how I phrase that, because he definitely didn't like you. But he also like recognized— the thing that annoyed him about you was that like he saw potential.

No, he didn't.

I swear to God. No, dude, I know his exact words. Again, like when he would come up to me, be like, what the fuck is up with Dobrik? He'd be be like, he won't do the things I assign and it pisses me off because he's not stupid. Like, if he was stupid, like, I've taught stupid kids. I can deal with stupid, but he's not stupid and he's not doing the work. And that's what pissed him off about you. And I mean, I had no advice. I'm like, well, yeah, he didn't do the work for me either, but I just didn't care.

That would annoy me too, the most.

For sure.

If I saw wasted potential.

Yeah.

If you saw somebody that like was good and they weren't—

totally.

Why the fuck am I here?

Exactly.

Am I trying? That would drive me crazy.

Me nuts.

Yeah, I don't know. But I— but also, to be fair, I was never like, fuck you, teacher, I'm not doing this work.

No, no, no, no, no, that was never your attitude. It was just like, yeah, it was like—

it was like if you were like— if you were like, okay guys, read pages 3 to 10 right now and highlight your favorite parts, like, then I would obviously not be reading and highlighting my favorite parts.

I'd be—

I'd put my— I put— I put my phone right in my book and I just like go through it. Like, but like, if it was like an essay, like, I would still get—

I would—

yeah, yeah, I'd do the essay.

Right. I wouldn't like come in and be like, fuck you, I'm not turning it in. I turned in everything, but it was like whether or not it was my work is the question, or whether or not like, I don't know if it like if it was a big semester project, I would always, always do it.

I never cheated.

No, no, actually, it was that easy to cheat when I went to school.

I think.

Yeah, I cheated one time in fourth grade. We had like fourth grade. Fourth grade. We had a little— actually, I'm taking this back too, because now I'm remembering like copying people's math homework in the hallway. Way in high school as well. But the one thing that like stopped me from cheating, like in class, was this girl across like my little table. We were working on a math test, and if you got all 4 math problems right, then you would go to the board and show everybody how you did them. And I cheated on like one of the 4 questions and got that right. And then, and then when the— after the teacher graded it, she's like, all right, Jeff got them all right, so Jeff, go up to the board and show how you did it. And I was on like— oh my God, I was on question 3, like, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, like at the board, like, I don't fucking remember, I didn't do this, like, I don't Fuck, that was— that was it. No, I just like—

you just thought you forgot.

I think she could tell I was like panicking and she was like, oh, he just doesn't remember. But no, it was definitely sexual.

That would make me so fucking stressed out. No, there was never any sexual tension between teachers.

No, I will say there wasn't any when I was teaching, but between the students and the teachers? No. Jesus Christ.

Okay. Jesus. Come on.

But happened for further background though, like I attended Vernon Hills High School, like I was a student there as well.

Right, right.

And when I was a student, it was a brand new high school, like they had just opened up. And so they needed to fill this whole building with teachers. And so every person they hired was like a brand new, fresh out of college teacher. And so it was like the building was run by 22 to 24-year-olds. Whoa. So like the stories that I heard—

That's why I like it so much.

The stories that I heard from teachers who were like, you know, in their 40s when I started working there, who were in their 20s when I was a student, were like, oh my God, this place was fucking lawless. Like, it was just crazy. We were all getting hammered.

It's like Woodstock.

Yeah, totally.

Actually.

Wow. They were like all rolling in hungover all the time because it was like 50 to 100 23-year-old teachers.

Like, they're just getting ripped. Oh dude, that sounds like a dream, right?

Totally. I'm like, man, I wish I was a little older, started here, uh, when things were crazy.

Was it rewarding to be a teacher?

Yeah, definitely. So it was both rewarding and also— I don't know what the opposite of rewarding is in terms of like the— one of the—

demoralizing?

Yeah, it was kind of, because a lot of— why would you say Well, I quit for— I quit teaching for a lot of reasons, but one of them was like watching students like you like go and do crazy wild things and like taking different careers into different paths. And I was always like, I would just kind of like look around and be like, all the kids that I like are gone now because from my graduation every year, they're all off doing a ton of different cool things. And I'm just going to what, work in this building for 30 years and then retire? And that's my life. Like, I couldn't. Yeah. Like, there was, there was no change, especially like like I taught the same classes over and over. And so for like 6 years in a row, I taught the same classes. I'm like, so what, I got 25 more of this year just on repeat? Fuck. And that's my life. Yeah. So I was—

that was one of the main reasons you ever go into like, like your first year, you probably loved all the kids, right? Like your first year that you taught.

Yeah.

Were you ever like, fuck, this is it. Like, I'm never going to be able to like kids more than this. And then every year you'd be surprised by how much you like the kids again. Is that how it works?

It would like ebb and flow.

There were some years where like kids were super annoying Was there ever a year where you were like, dude, this like, really, like, I don't even like this at all. Like, these kids suck.

Yeah, man. So I always liked individual kids even when they were annoying as a class. So like, there were some classes where it'd be like 10 kids in the class were best friends, so they like would not shut the fuck up. And there were sometimes like, for as much as I don't think you ever saw me like really fucking lose it on a class, but there were a couple of classes where I was like, like I was like fucking exploding. Like, I would just I would just scream, which is so out of character for me. And like other students, when they hear that, they're like, they can't even picture it. But I would lose my shit if I would like ask for them to do something simple. One girl reminded me on Facebook earlier, like she commented on some post about how I like fucking screamed at kids because I said for a whole week, I'm like, Friday, just bring a book. Bring a book to read. You're just gonna be reading a book in class. That's all I'm asking you to do. And I told them every day, Monday through Thursday, I'm like, I swear to God, Friday, just bring a book. Everything will be great. And then Friday came and like 15 of the 28 kids didn't have books. And it's like a simple thing. I could have just been like, goddamn it, like written them a pass, go get it, go to the library, get a book. But I spent like a good 10 minutes, top of my lungs, like, I asked you to do one fucking thing. You guys don't respect me. You would have brought a fucking book if you gave a shit about anything. And I just completely lost my shit. But the thing that she reminded me of was that she kept the pass that I wrote when I eventually I actually did let them go to the library because where it says like student's name, I just wrote a bunch of kids I'm pissed at and like gave that to them to like show the library.

You literally wrote a bunch of— literally wrote pissed at.

Yeah, like who's going— like who's this pass for? A bunch of kids I'm pissed at. Fuck out of here.

That's so funny. Did you ever— did you ever sit two kids next to each other because you know they had a crush on each other?

No, I would try to.

I just saw a TikTok about that and I was like curious if teachers did that.

No, that never— that never occurred to me. I, I I— for as much as I feel like I knew the kids, I could not comprehend when they were friends or if they— or like who was popular or not. Like, I had no concept.

You didn't know that who was popular?

No.

Pat Crowley was popular.

I mean, it's like— so I mean, you could— okay, so that—

Courtney Lawless was popular. Sure.

I mean, like, I mean, we do like stereotypical like football and cheerleading and stuff, but it just— I, I liked all the kids individually, personally. So I'm like, oh, they're all friends.

It's like when I look at my son and I I can't understand if he's a loser or not.

Oh, let me help you. Um, so what's the craziest thing you've ever seen a teacher say or do, or another student say or do? What's like the thing where you're like, whoa, I can't get in trouble for even seeing this?

Oh man. So this is actually when I was a student at Vernon Hills High School. Yeah. And I can't say the name of the teacher because this teacher is like too important in the school at this point to be like outed doing this. But there was one time where When I was a student, this kid was like kind of talking shit to the teacher. He had just won some like wrestling tournament at like 103 pounds or something. He was like a really small kid, but he was a great wrestler. And the teacher was like 200 pounds, like, like kind of a big strong dude. And this kid came in talking about his wrestling tournament. He's like, oh, like, you know, I can take anybody. And he looks at the teacher, he's like, I can, I can take you. Like, like, yeah, I'll wrestle you right now. And the teacher's like All right, let's do it. And like pushed all the desks out of the way and everyone's like wide-eyed like, oh my God, oh my God, is this going to— and they, and they fucking wrestled in the middle of the classroom and the teacher beat the shit out of this kid because he waited till he was like, he was like fucking like grown man. It's like you can be the strongest child in the world and like an adult man will just rip you to shreds. Wow. And he just destroyed him. And there was like, they had like each other's like drool and shit on their shirts. Like, 'cause they were really fucking like in there and rolling around. And then afterwards, like they got up and the teacher's like, was like, none of you can ever say anything about this to anybody. I swear to God, I will lose my job. Oh my God, what did I do? And we were like, we all love this teacher. So we were like, yeah, man, that's, that's cool.

Did you guys keep it a secret, or was it like, was it passed around?

It was.

I'm sure it was passed.

I think it was passed around to like other students who had that teacher, just because like, you would not fucking believe what I saw fourth period. But, but I think other people tried to like keep it under wraps because we didn't want them to get fired.

Really funny.

Which, I mean, in today's in today's day and age, like, he would have been fired in like 5 minutes after class. Like, somebody would have had a video and he would have been out the door. And now he's like, he's still there.

Is Miss Young still married?

Yeah. I regret to inform you that she's happily married, 3 children. Fuck. I don't think you've got a—

and you've asked—

I don't think you've got a chance. No, I actually— so, oh my God, dude, the last time I saw her was like—

first of all, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me back this up. Miss Young was a teacher I had. She was also an English teacher. Yeah. I don't know what it is about English. English, but, um, she was pregnant. And I don't know what it is, but when she was like pregnant, I fell in love with her. I don't know what it was about her having a baby bump or her carrying another human, but I was like, this woman is gorgeous. This is— she was glowing. That's what it was. She was like, when you're pregnant, you glow. Is that like a thing?

Yeah.

Yeah. She was like fucking glowing. And I was like, this woman's fucking stunning. And I was— I don't know, I was just so into her. And, um, and yeah, this was like definitely a teacher. I was like, I really want to get in trouble by her. So she can talk to me later. Wait, you told her that I liked her?

I did. I did. I swear to God, because I saw her at like a school musical or like an orchestra dance or something like 2 or 3 days after I hung out with you once when you were in Chicago. And it was actually the first time that you told me that you liked her. Like, you were like— you had said like that exact same thing. Like, what's up with Miss Young?

What's—

what's—

what's she up to?

And then when I saw her like a few days later, I was like, yeah, David was, was asking about you. I said, I I told him that he didn't have a chance and she's like, yeah, yep, nope, no chance. Everything's good. Yeah, it was pretty funny.

So no chance at all?

Yeah, man. She's—

she wasn't like, hey, no, no, she didn't like leave any like room. No breadcrumbs.

Right. It was— it wasn't like, well, things are good now, but maybe in a few years, like there was nothing like that.

How did she say it though? You got to walk me through it. You went, David used to be interested in— she went, no way.

You say used to be interested as if you had a chance when you were a student or something, which is just like a weird way. But no, I said, I said, I like, I I just saw David Dobrik like 3 days ago, and he said like how much he had a crush on you when he was a student. She was like, oh no way. I was like, yeah, he was like trying to angle me, like seeing if he had a chance. And she's like, ah no. Oh fuck.

All right, we'll try. Who knows? We can always check back in a couple years.

Wait a couple years? Yeah.

Is she still teaching?

Uh, yeah.

Who knows?

I may go back to teaching. Go back to teaching like I have been teaching. I've been a teacher in my past life. All right guys, well that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you, Mr. Killinger, for joining us for part it. You're the best. And Jason, thank you for joining me.

I guess it's always fun to be here.

It's whatever.

Go, go.

Like the best.

My roast video is coming out if you want to go watch it.

He's making beef.

Yeah, I'm making a beef sandwich.

That's his roast. No, it's a really funny video where we all roast each other.

It was fun.

Go watch it. We'll see you guys later.

All right.

My name— go buy my merch, actually, now that we're here. Go buy my perfume. Okay, we'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff.