Pitching Natalie for The Bachlorette

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. We are back with another pod. Natalie wants to be the next Bachelorette.

Oh my gosh, yeah, no one responded to me. Wow, that's an actual good idea, isn't it? Great. Like, I would— I feel like I'm like a really great candidate.

Really good candidate. Yeah. What's going— how do we do that?

I don't know, but did you— you saw like how they just canceled the news?

I saw. Yeah, I saw.

So I'm like, maybe they canceled the season completely.

I have videos of you beating David though, so I don't know.

This is true.

Oh, because of the beating stuff?

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, I'm so confused. The season was already shot with her?

Already shot, already done. Oh shit, sent to air this— oh, this coming week.

Already shot?

Yes, it's supposed to come out next week. And they—

wait, that's wild.

They canned the whole thing.

Yeah.

So I'm saying like, this is the time we got to reach out to ABC or whoever is doing The Bachelorette.

Dude, listen, not to flex or anything, but like, I met The Bachelor producers once at a club. Yeah, actually, I don't know, maybe they were lying to me, but, um, they were like, maybe they were PAs. We do The Bachelor. I'm like, what do you guys do? We created the show. And they were like, they're like, we should do like a version where there's like an online person as a bachelor.

Yeah.

And I was like, me or Natalie? And they're like, come on, dude, shut up. Is that a joke?

You love to do this.

No, no, I'm, I'm actually— I actually did meet people.

No, I know you did.

So I guess I do have a plug. Well, I would obviously never do it.

I know people in reality, like, from that world.

Oh, what Jason has is incredible that we're definitely gonna do for a vlog. Jason has connection to Storage Wars.

Uh, yeah, my best friend Jeff, he produces Storage Wars.

I can't believe you never told us this.

Yeah, that's crazy. Um, I, I— you never want to hear anything about me.

That's true. This one you could have— this one you should have let us know.

Good stuff like this.

I didn't know you liked Storage Wars.

Storage Wars is like— I mean, if you guys don't know what Storage Wars is, it's basically these storage units that are left abandoned. You go and bid on them, and then you hope you make your money back. Like, the people— people that are no longer there. It's like an auction goes around the Storage Wars, and it's like you buy one for $1,000, and then you go through the person's stuff, which is amazing because it's like so fun. You're going through somebody's things.

There's a story.

Yeah, yeah, there's a story there, and you could get really rich. You could get a storage unit for $100,000, or most likely you'll barely break even. Most likely. But yeah, that's incredible. Okay, anyway, back to you being the woman of the hour.

Who would be better as The Bachelor, David?

I just think I would be more, like, interesting to watch.

What the fuck? That's literally crazy. I have a YouTube channel that's done pretty well. I don't know.

I just think— I mean, I don't know. I could be wrong. I just I mean, no, you are pretty entertaining.

I can't imagine David as The Bachelor.

I just can't imagine it, and I don't think you would ever do it.

Do the shirtless things, and it's like half of it is shirtless and half of it is being sexy. Like, there's never— there's never going to be a moment if I'm The Bachelor where the women walk out and they go, oh, and that's like really important.

That's not true, because like, I'm getting so excited thinking about myself as The Bachelor. I'm not even listening to a word you're saying.

Wow, you think this is like a thing you can do?

I really feel like if we put our heads together, we could get it done, but You know it's not gonna happen.

Yeah, it's like one of those things. And the only way it would possibly—

Yeah, it's like one of those things.

The only way it would possibly happen is if someone from the Bachelor Nation people like listened to this.

Yeah.

And reached out to us, 'cause like obviously we shouldn't put the work in to like find this ourselves.

Well, what can you say to the Bachelor Nation?

'Cause it just like sounds like a lot of time.

If they're listening.

Well, I just think, I think that I would be, I think that they were heading in the right direction with the Frankie Taylor girl.

Yeah.

And I think—

who is she? What does she do?

She's on Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.

Oh, interesting. So they took from another reality show?

Took from another reality show. And I'm not like direct reality, but like, I feel like we're close enough to what that is. I'm pretty good looking, I think, you know, like it'll be fun to watch.

Dave, hype her up.

Natalie said that the other day. She's like, I was in my Ferrari and then another hot girl—

oh my God, I saw her again.

She was like, another hot girl in a Ferrari pulled up. I'm like, another hot girl?

There's another girl that has my same car and she's like this gorgeous Asian woman. And I, every time I'm on Sunset Boulevard, I see her riding in it too because I hear her revving it. And like, she'll drive past. Like, I hear the car. And I saw her 2 days ago again.

Did you wave?

I waved the first time. Like, the first time she passed right by me and I waved to her and she waved back and we like laughed and had this like little, like, I'd hate to say this out loud, but like little hot girl moment. It was so, it was so cool. That's girl.

It was so cool.

And you saw her again? I saw her again 2 days ago on Sunset and she was fucking cruising through. Anyways. Hello, Bachelor Nation.

Yes, I mean, listen, I, I like it. I like the idea.

No, you fucking don't, because I'm gone for like 3 months.

Yeah, but I think David could be a part of it. That should be written into it. Like, that would be part of the storyline. Like, there is no, you will be gone for 3 months. You work a lot and that's part of your life.

I don't mind that either.

Like, I feel like, I feel like, yeah, like they're gonna try to get the guys over here.

Yeah, I'm trying to fuck dudes. No, but I'm just saying, like, I find that, I think that's kind of interesting. I think that's interesting too, like, to have setting, and then, then they have to go out with me and I have to pick one.

Yeah.

And I'm like, you know what's interesting too, like, and if anybody from Bachelor is like listening, like, there are other men in my life that you could like easily pull and like— I'm like a, you know, I'm a public figure of sorts, right? So there's people like in the vlog that I've kissed before that you like— good plot twists that you could like put in there, you know, that I think would be like interesting.

Sure. You know, already built in.

Yeah.

And, and Natalie, how, how would you do if you had to like say goodbye to like 3 guys in one night. Would that be hard for you?

I don't think so.

No, Natalie's really good at like— Natalie's really good at firing people. Yeah, she's, she's really good at having difficult conversations.

Okay, tell David right now I'm decent at confrontation.

Tell David that he's, he's off the show right now, like he was a contestant.

Go.

Is this like night 1 where I'm like getting rid of a bunch?

Well, a better question is when you get to the honeymoon suites, um, and yeah, how many people are there at that point? 3 or 4?

I think 3.

Are you fucking all of them?

Am I personally?

Yeah. Or are you not sleeping with any of them?

I would assume not sleeping with any of them.

Really?

Yeah, I'm not like—

I feel like that's kind of the moment you like, let's just figure— you know what I mean?

No, I think you know, you know before you have sex with someone if you're into them.

Really?

I mean, it depends. Maybe it'll be really, really difficult. I don't think that sex is going to be like the deciding, like, oh my God, you're my—

I think sometimes it is. You don't think it is? Like, there's one time I was into a girl and then we had sex and it didn't work. And I was like, oh, this doesn't work. Like, you don't think that's how— you don't think that's how, like, things—

but I think you had a hunch before you even got to that point.

Yeah, maybe you have to act. I don't know.

Whatever.

Okay, so you're not fucking all three of them?

I'm definitely not fucking all three of them.

I'm not watching this season. We already know how it ends. She's not having sex with them in the honeymoon suite. I'm out. Those are the craziest scenes in The Bachelor.

Where like when they insinuate.

Yeah, when the— and it's gotten crazier over the years. Like now they'll film the shower, it's all foggy, you see the hand. Yeah, you see the hand on the fucking shower. It gets more and more like fucking crazy every time. I think they go to their legal team, they're like, how much can we push it this time? And they're like, fog up the shower, fog out of the shower.

My only thing is like, I just— I am curi— I was actually curious for her season because she's like prominent public figure. She makes like really great money, you know, she's very well established. Like, who they were gonna cast for the show. Now we don't really— I mean, I guess you could probably figure it out, but— or find out. But I'd be— it'd be interesting to see who they would cast for that.

So this video that came out about her, that's, that's the guy who won The Bachelor?

No, no, no, this is like— it's an old video.

Oh, it's an old relationship? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and he posted it?

I don't know who posted it.

Oh wow, that's crazy.

Yeah.

Wow. So she might be married to someone right now too, you know, or she might be in a relationship with one of the Bachelor guys because the season completed.

Yeah.

Wow. That's kind of crazy.

I know. There's like so many different—

what a whirlwind. That's fucking insane. Well, Natalie, I'm, I'm really rooting for you.

Are you?

Yeah. And we just dedicated— let's see, that was, that was about 9 minutes, 10 minutes of the pod to you. So now let's talk about something I'm really excited about. The Spider-Man trailer. Oh my God. Yeah. Well, do you want to say anything else about Bachelor?

Well, everybody should just go DM The Bachelor and tell them that I need to be the new one.

Yeah, good idea. Yeah, shoot some DMs. I would love that. And I would love to be— and if The Bachelor is—

and hello, we have you. You're going to be salivating at the opportunity to be like a part of that moment and like documenting it, promoting it. Like, I have so many fun friends. You know how many friends would be like cheering me on and like doing fun stuff?

No, for sure. But I think we may be in like a Discovery situation here again. What's that mean? When we did the Discovery show, our big problem was that I was making a vlog.

You had to hold content?

I was making— yeah, I was making the vlogs and they would want me to hold the content for like 2 months.

Yeah.

But I was done with the vlog before we left the country from the show.

Or we just do it ourselves. We produce our own little show.

Oh, there's the idea.

We, you know, get some money together and we put together a show. Yeah, just like Alex Cooper just did that with Unwell, and she has a whole like dating show coming up.

Yeah, I don't know, maybe we should just go to Alex Cooper. Huh, well now you have me thinking maybe I'll be the bachelor on my own show. I'll make the rules where all clothes have to stay on. You have to keep your shirt on.

Yeah, everyone must watch the Spider-Man trailer. Everyone must watch Spider-Man, the first activity into Marvel.

That's really funny. There's like 13 girls. I watched 13 different Avengers movies with each of them.

That's really funny.

Today me and Cynthia are watching Civil War.

I'm telling you, it'd actually be really fun. It could be a fun thing to put together and like be a part of.

I mean, I get that. I think, okay, that's another thing. That is like something I just don't want to do, but I would be a part of. Like if a brand—

you don't want to put it together?

Yeah, I don't want to put it together.

Yeah.

But like I would happily be adjacent to you looking for somebody. I would also do it for myself because I think that's fun.

Oh, we do it together. We're both finding like separate love and they're casting men and women. A whole like joint show.

Actually, I would honestly just rather watch you do it. It seems like a lot of work. It seems like a lot of work. And I kind of like the idea of like just being, I'm like on the passenger side, like in the cuck chair, coming in from time in the cuck chair of Bachelor Nation. So you're gonna fuck my friend now in the honeymoon suite, huh? Well, uh, the rule of our new show is I sit in that corner.

That's fucking crazy.

Yeah, that's crazy. Anyway, Spider-Man. Spider-Man. I just watched the new trailer. Have you seen it, Jay? No. It broke the record for the most viewed trailer of all time in history for the first 24 hours. The previous record was held by Deadpool and Wolverine at 360 million views. Yeah, this did almost double. It did 715 million views in 24 hours.

Wow, crazy.

That's a big deal.

And what's the plot?

Basically, everyone's forgotten Peter Parker. Everyone's forgotten that Peter Parker is Spider-Man. Yeah, so he's no longer in a relationship with MJ. His best friend doesn't know who he is. It's like ground— it's like back to the basics of Spider-Man. It's like his life is being restarted, and so is kind of the series.

Okay.

And I wasn't like, why have they forgotten him? He had to like make a spell with Doctor Strange in order to like— that's how the last movie ended. Okay. It's like people had to forget that he was there because he was causing a lot of problems.

Okay.

But I wasn't really like— I wasn't too excited about the trailer when it first came out. Like, I wasn't like rushing to my phone because I've been so occupied with like Doomsday and Secret Wars. And the second I watched it, it's just like all came rushing back to me. Like, it was kind of crazy. I've never experienced anything like that. I talked about it on my Snap for like 6 minutes. I was just like, it just felt so incredible.

Yeah.

Did you see it?

The trailer?

Yeah. Yeah, there's just like something so special about that movie. And like, I got— I've gotten superhero fatigue because I've been seeing so many AI videos of like Spider-Man and Superman and all these superheroes that are like made by like random Chinese AI companies and stuff.

Yeah.

Where I'm just like over it. But then seeing like the actual official thing, it like brought back like the reason I love Marvel. And I don't know, I guess I don't really have much to say other than the fact that like I am just so grateful to be in the timeline where I'm going to see Spider-Man 8 days after my birthday. I think it's like a really—

that is perfect timing.

It's incredible. I'm going to be 30.

And when does Doomsday come out?

In December.

Okay, so you got Spider-Man in the summer and Doomsday at Christmas.

I mean, what a year for Marvel.

Doomsday's gonna be insane. Here is my theory for Doomsday. Okay, I think— so there's two more Avengers movies that are coming out, Doomsday and Secret Wars, right? Yeah. I think there's going to be a third one that we don't know about because like, like if you— like if you— if you follow the Infinity War, like Infinity War ended with half of the Avengers being killed off, right? Which led into Endgame. You would think that would kind of be the same thing that's going on in Doomsday Secret Wars, but I think in order for there to be a new twist, I think there's gonna have to be a movie that none of us know about yet. And I think that will be like the third and final—

and that's like what, like 2028?

Yeah, 2028. Wow. And then we're back, and then, and the whole MCU restarts again, which poses my next question, Jay. Who are your top 5 superheroes?

Shane Dawson.

No, who are the—

PewDiePie.

Who are the top— who are the top 5? Or now, who do you think are the top 5 superheroes that have like shaped superhero culture, that are like the Mount Rushmore?

Not for me personally, but just like for the general.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like who are the—

okay, yeah, the ones that are the most important.

Most important.

Not who I like.

That—

yeah, that who've made the biggest impact.

Yeah, it's a tough one.

Do you want me to say mine? I'm so excited to share mine.

It's like—

no, okay, wait, I have, I have, I have my 5. Okay, go.

Superman.

Incredible.

Batman.

Incredible.

Wonder Woman.

No, I'm kidding, she's important.

Wonder Woman.

Catwoman.

No, I think Wonder Woman—

Jay, please—

is, is much more culturally significant. Girls are important.

That's not what This is about— this is not a gender thing.

Spider-Man.

Captain Marvel.

Dude, you almost— we almost had the same list.

I mean, I feel like it's pretty obvious.

Yeah. What about Iron Man? I switched.

I was—

he was in random. I— okay, what's your list? Go.

Me?

Yeah. Oh, fuck.

I'm just gonna do who I like.

Okay.

Thor.

Okay.

The best.

Iron Man. Oh, just one? Okay.

Iron Man.

Yeah.

Don't like Spider-Man. Batman.

Mmm.

Fucking—

Wait, can you say why you don't like Spider-Man?

He's just like in that puny suit.

You hate that shit. You hate— I've noticed this about you. You don't like teenagers.

The suit's so dumb. It's just like he's in this like weird like suit and he's like, oh golly gee. Well, wait a minute. I have all these powers.

Yeah, you hate that shit.

I hate that shit.

And you also hate music that's like We're young. Oh yeah. We're in a sports car in Malibu.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like you hate that kind of music.

Oh, that Joe Volpes music?

You hate anything that's like just like— Why am I so sad? Okay, well that's—

I fucking hate that shit.

That's also a little bit different.

Although I like Blink.

Okay, okay, that's also a little bit different.

I mean, what kind of music does Spider-Man use? I don't really even know. Is that what he uses?

No, no, no, no, but I'm just saying it's like in the same like vein of things. You just don't like rooted in like— I mean, it's like when I was in a relationship, right? Yeah. You were always like, it's going to end. It's going to end because you just don't— you don't believe anything is real in that time period. Like, I think like something happened to you when you were 18 to like 25 where you got my heart broken. Oh, really?

Yeah.

Oh, by who?

Oh, man.

This girl, Shane, by the way. Superman, Iron Man, Spider-Man. Batman. Why?

Sorry, girl. Girl. Yeah, she got my heart.

My dad. Hold on.

We're talking about Spider-Man.

My dad said he's like, the one thing I don't like that you do in the podcast is when Jason has something to say, you make it very obvious that you don't want to listen to it.

Oh my God.

Okay. I want to— I actually do want to hear this. I actually enjoy the last podcast a lot.

Why don't you let him speak? Jesus.

I got to learn about you. Anyway, more about me. Anyway, wait, Natalie was listening to the pod. Sorry. We're going to go back to this heartbreak. I know.

I know.

This sounds like I'm doing a bit.

Wait, can you let him finish and then we can get to that, please?

Okay.

But just remember that.

Yes, I already have it.

Okay. You're a genius.

Thank you.

What happened with Shannon?

I just— I was in college, okay? And I was like, you know, I was pretty vibing in college.

Wait, where'd you go to college again?

University of Massachusetts.

Okay.

And I was like, I was doing good in college. I was like, you know, doing good.

Were you a frat star?

Uh, no, I wasn't in a frat, but I had really good friends. I'd worked at Saturday Night Live.

I was like, wow, in college?

Yeah, I was like doing good, you know? I was like, man, I had like bright future.

Wait, wait, wait, you worked at SNL in college?

Yeah, yeah, because I went and was an intern.

Was that like a normal thing though? Like, or did people think you were really cool for that?

People— I don't know if people thought I was— yeah, people probably thought I was pretty cool for that.

Okay.

I think, I think where I came from, people were like, what? How'd you get that?

Were you, were you mentioning it every chance you got?

No, no, I'm not like that.

Okay.

No, but, but, uh, so anyways, this, this girl that lived across the street was gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.

What, I think she's hot?

Uh, everything's about you.

She was like—

I just need to, I need to see if I'm like feeling the story.

I'm—

let me see.

Yeah, you'd think she was hot.

Okay, sick.

She was really pretty, but she didn't say anything.

She was just—

she never said anything.

She was just like— so I was just in love with her, in love with her, in love with her. Then I started dating her, and like, I don't think she actually ever liked me.

How long were you dating her for?

Probably like 6 months, 8 months.

6, 7. And then when did you find out that it wasn't—

yeah, and then she eventually, she just like dumped me, and I was crushed for so long. And it's just like, I was just really sad for like fucking like 6 months. It was really bad. I couldn't believe it. And after that, I was like, I was very, very, very turned on.

How did she break up with you?

She's just like, I think she just like stopped calling me back, you know what I mean?

How long are you seeing each other?

He says that that's not a real relationship.

No, it was a real relationship. In fact, I remember driving with her being like, I remember being like, hey, do you even like me at all? And she was just like, well, I don't know, like, I guess.

What?

She just never said anything. She's just really weird. It was just a classic thing of like liking somebody because they're really pretty and you're just like, but, but, but it's not like an actual thing there.

Like you didn't like her even?

I liked her. I liked her a lot. I was in love with her.

Why are you sharing the story like you're making up everything on the spot?

I'm not.

I'm telling you the story.

Okay. I mean, isn't that how it feels?

Well, I'm— there's a lot of like confusing twists and turns you're throwing in here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna look at this.

Where things aren't adding up.

Yeah.

I dated this girl.

Right, so you—

I don't think she ever actually liked me.

You said it was the classic thing of liking someone that was really pretty. Mm-hmm. Like, it just felt like you just liked her because of her looks. So did you actually like her?

You weren't in love with her.

I did like her.

Oh, okay.

But I don't think I would— maybe I was mature enough to realize, like, oh, like, we actually don't have, like, a good—

What is she doing now? I don't know. She's Scarlett Johansson.

I tried to— I got hired to write a story in a book once by my friend, and the story was about her. And I hired a private investigator to track her down, and the private investigator came back and he was like, she doesn't want to talk to you. And I was like, okay.

Why did he approach you directly?

Why did he?

Yeah.

Um, because, because we wanted to talk to her for the story in the book. Oh yeah, she said no.

Wow. Huh. Okay, Nat, you've got your follow-up question. Well, it kind of explains everything, I guess, just now. She's a fucking weirdo.

I was listening to the podcast yesterday because I wasn't here. Yeah. And I heard that your body count is 8 people, that you've only slept with 8 people in your life. Yeah. That's crazy to me.

Why?

Because you're—

I wonder what people think of that.

I go, yeah, I wonder.

Well, let's be clear, like, that's like actual sex.

No, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, but like, you went to college, you were at SNL in your 20s, you were in New York City in the '90s.

I wasn't getting laid when I was an intern at SNL.

I know, but I'm just— I'm just—

dude, you're kind of a strange guy. But well, I don't know, because you lived like such a cool life as you explain it.

What do you mean?

Like, it just feels like you were—

you were in the comedy scene. I think you realize being funny, especially in New York, probably at that time with those people, is like a superpower, right?

Yeah, like peak.

But I wasn't— I wasn't one of those people. I was the guy getting the coffee, you know.

But did you not believe in yourself? No, you were—

I didn't. Why do you think I'm sitting here across from you?

Like, you were the guy getting coffee, but like, I never believed— I would be like, I'm the guy getting the coffee because I'm about to be like You're there.

Yeah.

How is that not enough for you? Were you— that was— that not like—

I mean, I don't know. I've never been much of a lady killer. I'm not like somebody that can like pick up chicks.

I'm pivoting. I'm just not. I'm just confused because you always— because you do talk about this like, if I was an intern on SNL, I would be like, I am one degree away from fucking making this shit. And like, right, you, you make it almost seem like you were like at the bottom of the ship just rowing with like 100 people. Do you know that analogy that I'm saying?

Right, right, right. And I did, I, you know, I don't know, I tried. I just, I got an audition, I didn't get it. So then I was kind of like, that kind of ruined me.

No, but I'm just saying like, but you were, all that aside, like you were still in an environment in New York City.

And you're still really handsome.

With NBC, good looking, funny, like how did you—

But I don't feel that way about myself. I don't feel like I'm like good looking.

So when you went out, like you just didn't, did you go out? Did you go?

Did I go out? No, we didn't have any money to go out in New York. We were so poor.

Okay, so what did you do? I would just hang out with my friends. What do you mean?

You built fires under a bridge with logs?

When I lived in New York, we were just like, my friends and I were really poor, so we were just like, we didn't go to clubs. We couldn't afford to go to clubs.

You don't have to go to the fucking club. What are you saying?

I'm just saying, I don't know, I wasn't a big lady killer, that's all. I think that's pretty easy for someone to say.

I know, but like—

Alex has literally negative 50 in his dating count. Yeah, but he went to fucking college with no money.

He lives in a fucking mansion! What are you talking about?

Yes, now. This dude had sex like fucking like he was a rock star in college. What are you talking about? I'm just— and I'm not saying—

I'm—

8's a completely regular number.

Yeah.

I'm just like confused that like— I'm confused at how you viewed yourself.

Well, David, you know how I view myself.

I know, and I'm confused.

I mean, you know me better than anybody.

But I thought— I always in my head thought that view of yourself came like in your 40s?

I thought there had to have been some confidence in your like early 20s, and that's why I'm a little confused.

No, I've always had confidence issues.

I'm just confused.

It stems from my father.

Well, I don't think I know a man that's slept with less than 10 people other than—

I think that's also— I'm so curious what people say about this because I think a lot of people listening are gonna be like, that's a crazy number.

8?

Now we live in Los Angeles. You're like, really? You're really outing us here.

No, but like, you're doxxing our location. No, but like college like he went to college. People, people fuck around. That's all you do in college.

My college friends' body counts are like 40, 50.

I have to say, like, I don't know, it's like crazy.

That's fucking insanity.

I have to say, like, I just— my friends and I were not like banging chicks.

But not— that's not even banging chicks. That's like— that's—

we just weren't.

Like, so my thought process was like, we had like girlfriends. That's what I was thinking. Like, were you just with the girlfriends like all the time?

Like, yeah.

Okay, because that, that makes more sense to me. But if you're like single in college, like you're at least hooking up with one girl a year, you know, and that's already 4 people.

I wasn't— I just wasn't like—

this is really—

in college I just wasn't like—

because it's just like we're just grilling him because he didn't have more sex when he was in college.

I mean, I think I was—

I mean, I think I was—

you fucking loser! It's like we're going back to—

he's like—

I, I just think I was just a little like slow. Like, I've always felt like I didn't really mature until I was like 30. Like, when I was 25 and I had like a job—

Damn, I'm learning a lot about you in the last 2 episodes.

When I was 25 and I had a job, like, when I had a job once and I used to mess up so badly at the job, like common sense things, and they'd be like, "Are you fucking stupid?" And I'd be like, "Uh." What was the job? I had a job at a news station, and I would, I would answer the phone and help everybody, and I had a job there. I would work, answer the phone, and I would just like fuck things up. And, and looking back, I'd be like, oh my god, I was a fucking moron. Like, so dumb. I think, I think a lot of guys are really dumb until they get older.

Okay, that's fair.

Well, listen, I don't think— I wish we could just call a random viewer right now and just like hear their opinion on like what a regular What an average.

What's your body count?

Mine's like 3.

Okay, so there we go.

No, mine's not high at all either. Granted, like, you're a girl. I'm a girl.

What's yours now?

Different, but I'm not going there.

Um, mine's not 3 either, guys.

That's like, it's 400. It's pretty small.

400, it's really tiny.

That's 4. Um, that's probably like— can I guess if I get it right on the money?

I mean, you know it. So like, you should be able to guess it.

I think it's like eight.

Interesting.

Was that wrong?

I don't know.

Oh my God, it's 18. All right, well, yeah, I don't know. I guess, like, I just like always, like, I view you, Jason, in the 90s as like this complete stud.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, I don't Think that.

No. Setting it up.

Interesting.

I just, like, I just still think that people in his position were, like, getting laid, even if they weren't— even if you weren't—

position? What position? I was like, I wasn't in a position that I was like—

but you were still a part of the system. Like, you were still a part. You worked at NBC.

Yeah, you were like— you were like— you were a TikTok influencer in the '90s.

No, I wasn't.

You were part of the—

that's way different.

You're basically Sway House adjacent in the '90s. It's like you had—

no, that analogy is not working for me.

That—

what are you saying? I was like a nobody.

Yeah, but you were like right next to like, I assume, the kind of the pulse of like comedy. Yeah, but that doesn't—

also like you've never been in the comedy scene. It's like—

yeah, maybe, maybe, you know what I mean?

It's not like that.

Maybe I own—

people aren't like partying, they're like writing jokes and like hanging out, doing the Hollywood version of like, yeah, here's Adam Sandler on a red carpet. Yeah, okay, no, no, no, that's not— I'm talking about the comedy scene. That's not Adam Sandler. That's— I'm talking about you go to open mics and you're like you're doing comedy every night and you're like, hey guys, let's go hang at a diner and write jokes. You know, like, it's different.

Interesting.

You know, it's not like you're not getting drunk.

And also, there's nothing wrong with you not wanting to have sex with people. Let's make that clear.

No, for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just the way that you—

bad move. What's a bad move? Not having sex with people?

Having sex with people?

Having sex with too many people?

Yeah, yeah, no, I agree with that.

Really bad.

I agree.

If I would— if I'd give anybody advice, I would give them that advice. It's just like people just expect stuff from you.

What did you say? That you said that to me yesterday. What does that mean, people expect stuff from you?

I don't know, people get attached.

Yeah, okay, Jay, that makes sense. Well, thank you for letting us grill you about that for a little bit.

Yeah, I just— I've always had confidence issues. It's just the worst.

My top 5 are Superman, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Batman, and the one that you guys didn't have—

Wolverine. You like Wolverine?

I don't know anything about— I've never even heard of Wolverine until this new movie came out.

I think Hugh Jackman—

I think he's very pivotal. I know, I think he's very pivotal in the superhero— you think In the world or to the public? Uh, what do you mean to the world?

In like in the superhero world, like in the Marvel world, or like to the public of the actual—

I think if it wasn't for the X-Men movies, we wouldn't have a lot of the— we wouldn't have the MCU.

Okay, that's a good point. Yeah, I could see that.

So I think, um, what about Deadpool? Deadpool?

Too jokey for you?

No, no, I'm not saying what are my favorites.

Yeah, I'm asking you why come Deadpool's not in there.

Because he's not like a pivotal thing to the MCU whatsoever. Like, he's great, but like, the MCU would very much exist without Deadpool.

Do people know when they hear that bong in the back that it's a pickleball?

Oh, do people hear that?

Yeah, I leave it in. I don't cut it. Oh, sometimes it's hard to cut.

But yeah, sometimes the pickleballs hit the glass. It's kind of funny that like while I do these, I'm kind of like a pickleball commentator without actually talking about the game because I'm watching— I'm watching people play pickleball in the backyard the entire time we do this pod.

It's really funny.

Did you hear raccoons are evolving?

What does that mean?

It means raccoons are making a motion to become pets, and they're— raccoons are doing a big push now to be domesticated.

What do you mean raccoons are making a big push? Like they've spoken out?

Well, if they could speak, they would have, but they are making a big push around the country. I saw an article about it, actually, to be domesticated, and a lot of people are domesticating raccoons because if you think about it, a lot easier to be, you know, dogs, they became domesticated. The reason dogs are the way they are, it was a lot easier to be hanging out with humans all day than to go get your food.

Raccoons are making a big push now, so wait, wait, wait, what's the problem with raccoons? They just go through your garbage?

There's no— yeah, I mean, there's— I guess that's a problem with raccoons, but people are starting to like keep them as pets and stuff, and it's like illegal as of now. I don't think it's illegal.

I'm shocked that like you can't domesticate really anything.

Like, I think if some states have different laws, but yeah. You see Tampa?

You know, it's a— it's also illegal to communicate with a dolphin. Did you know that? It's kind of based off what I was saying the other day.

Wait, after I like fucked the dolphin?

What do you mean?

Yeah, you can't— you can't try to communicate with a dolphin. It's like this—

you're making that up.

No, look it up. Yes, it is generally illegal to interact with or talk to wild dolphins in the US under the Marine Mammal Protection Act. Any act that disrupts their natural behavior including calling, whistling, or approaching them is considered harassment.

Really?

Yeah. And I think there's a lot of conspiracies that come along with this, and that's because people think they know things. Wow. Yeah. Interacting with wild dolphins is considered harassment, punishable by fines up to $100,000 and jail time.

I just think that has to do with the fact that they're like the cutest sea animal and people probably like fuck with them a lot. What? So they're trying to protect—

oh, like it's like marine protected, like people are hitting on them?

I don't think that's how it works. You think there's laws like that?

No, I think people try to go like swim with them, touch them, play with them, and it's dangerous.

Or I think people try to go get information out of them, and dolphins are easily susceptible and manipulated to tell humans things that they shouldn't be telling.

Even if you just go up to a dolphin one time like to try and attempt communication, like you're not gonna actually have a breakthrough.

I wonder if anyone's gone to jail for it.

I think it depends who's watching. I feel like if I had like a week with the dolphin by myself—

okay, a week is different—

I'd be able to break through.

Hey, speaking of how we've been flying so much, uh, did you see Tampa outlawed pajamas? The Tampa Airport?

I did see that.

I saw that.

Is that real?

Yeah.

No.

So what happens? I show up to the Tampa Airport and I get a citation?

I saw a TikTok of this guy just like yelling at people for wearing pajamas as a joke.

But like, what— what— how do you define a pajama too?

It's like I don't know.

What are they upset about?

Yeah, I don't know what that means.

It must be just like a piece of advertisement and not an actual law.

Yeah, like you think that's so similar as to like the dolphins thing?

Yeah. Well, the dolphin thing, it probably is an actual law that was done by environmentalists.

But it still feels like a thing that's just like, yeah, who gives a fuck? Like no one's actually gonna cite you on this, right? I don't know what the— what is it? Is pajamas because they're like They don't want you to look like a slob.

Also, how did you do with the toilets in Brazil? Normally, did you use the nozzle on your butt?

No.

No.

Oh, because in our hotel we weren't allowed to use toilet paper, but the nozzle—

wait, what?

Excuse me?

Yeah.

What do you mean, excuse me?

Yeah. Or you just weren't allowed to flush it?

You're not allowed to put toilet paper in the toilet? In the toilet?

Yeah. I mean, that was standard for a lot.

Yeah. So I was thinking—

I think that was true in our villa, and I don't think anybody You weren't allowed to put toilet paper in the toilet?

No, and so there's a nozzle next to the toilet and I would use it, but it wasn't very strong, so I was complaining, and then I went over to your house at the Airbnb and I tried the nozzle.

You tried my nozzle?

Your nozzle was good. I went to your bedroom. Yeah, no, I just— I didn't even use it. I just was like walking by and I was like, oh, I was like, this is— now this is power. This will work. But at the hotel, there was no power on it, so you're just like, I don't know, just like putting water on shit.

Oh, I don't know. Do you think that those toilets that clean you are better than wiping?

I have one and I was really excited. I just got it.

I think that's really gross.

I don't think it's gross. I just don't think it's effective. Like, I'd rather just wipe and be done. I kind of want to—

well, you have to do both.

I know. Well, technically you're not— you're not supposed to have to. You're supposed to use the bidet, the water's supposed to spray, and then you're supposed to press the dryer, and then it's— the fan dries your tush.

Fuck up. Yeah, I would never do that in a million years. I would never do that. You got to do both.

I mean, I don't know what you got going on down there, what's coming out of there, but like, you should always say that like you're not fucking doing the biggest doodoos on this fucking—

in this fucking house. I promise you, you're literally queen of doodoos.

Dry your tush. How long does it take to dry your tush?

Well, that's the problem because I've tried that drying option. It's not really a thing.

No, it's not good. You have to like— you have to find the right toilet that dries the It has the high-powered dryer.

While we're talking about bathroom things, the one thing I wanted so bad, and it's like the biggest waste of water in the world, but I think it's so sick, is the—

what, you know, overflowing bathtub?

The overflowing bathtub is so stupid.

What is that?

I saw it at CES once, and it is humorism. It is the coolest thing. It like lights up from the side.

It's like an infinity edge bath.

It's an infinity edge bathtub.

Trying to imagine it.

The water just flows over the edge.

Yes.

Yes.

So fucking cool.

Oh, you like that?

So cool.

But you don't take baths.

Uh, for a reason.

Yeah, because you don't have an infinity bath.

Because I don't have an infinity bathtub. I don't know if these things like are out on the market yet, or they're probably not getting approved because like the amount of water that's— but then again, like pools are overflowing a lot of the time, so I don't know what the problem is there. But yeah, I think it's like the biggest waste, the least environmentally friendly thing on the planet, but one of the coolest things I've ever seen. So that was my favorite thing I saw at CES like 2024 or something.

Wow.

So, Kohler, whenever you actually come out with that, please hit my line. But yes, back to those toilets. I don't believe in them. I do like a heated toilet seat.

Love a heated toilet seat.

To the point where I— how much are heated toilet seats?

Not that expensive.

Are they like $80?

They're like $50.

Really? Oh, I think everyone should switch over. It changes your life. Really? It changes— yeah. Do you have a heated toilet seat at home? No. Okay, invest in one. Really? I think it's worth the $50. Why?

Why?

Because, um—

It gets you going?

Well, you're looking at a guy who sits while he pees. So, uh, most of the time. Unless I'm in public. You know, like, if I'm in my room, I don't even sit when I pee when I'm downstairs.

No, that is cleaner.

Um, but like, it's just like—

You shouldn't be embarrassed.

I'm not.

Okay.

I'm just trying to make it clear that I have stood before. I stand anywhere but my room. My room, I'm like always sitting down. 'Cause it's just like comfy. And I have a heated toilet seat. So when I go to a hotel and it's cold, It's, it's actually pretty crazy. Like the, the first, like the change in that is fucking insane. And then there's some nice hotels that even take a step further. Not only do they have heated toilet seats, but they have heated floors. And that is the craziest experience. Like I've never wanted to fucking sleep on a bathroom in my entire life. There's one in London, I think it's like the Mandarin or something. It has heated toilet floors.

Heated toilet floors.

Heated toilet floors. No overflowing tub though. Heated toilet floors. But that— do you sit while you pee or no?

No, I like to stand. I like to just hover, honestly.

Yeah. Here's something that you could probably be helpful with.

Oh, good.

Because you're like a— whenever I'm talking to— whenever I'm talking to Wyatt, you always come up like all the time. You always come up as a reference point, which is what I think is really interesting.

Oh, okay. Like, like he remembers something from his childhood?

No, no, nothing bad.

Like, no, no, I'm not saying it a bad way.

Yeah, no, like almost like, uh, like David's successful.

Why is that where your brain went?

Oh, because, you know, sometimes kids have bad memories. Oh, okay. Okay, so here's the dilemma. Go to— stay in New York in the fall and keep being a college person.

Okay.

Or go to London— stay in New York in the fall, be a college person, and keep playing bands. Like, he has like gigs that he does all the time. He has a— you know, he plays gigs a few times a month. Or go to London for 4 months, do school over there, and do gigs over there. Over there, but it's only 4 months.

It's a really good—

like a study abroad program?

Study abroad, yeah. He got accepted to the university over there, the sister school, and so his big dilemma— and we were talking about it all night last night, going back and forth— it's just like, well, what— like, that is actually a proper 50/50 dilemma, because for some people, I think, like, going abroad, that's the best experience they'll ever have in their life. You hear it all the time. Oh my God, I lived in France for 4 months and I spoke French and I ate French bread every day. But for him also, he's like, Is it a— should he just stay in New York and keep working on his music there? What do you think?

I think what you said is very accurate. Like, I think it will be great when he goes to London because it's gonna be different. Yeah, he's going to have like the background of New York, whatever, and it's gonna be like exciting for him to meet people there. Like, I'm from New York, and right, I think I'll just be like an interesting— he'll make a lot of new friends, make a lot of new connections, and maybe will meet somebody that he'd never meet before in New York that changes his life. Life. So there's that. Yeah, but I, I— especially when I think about New York, I always think about what Jay-Z said: if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. And I think working at New York, like, and mastering the city of New York— wow— is huge, right? Like, I think, I think if you can, like— it's like, it's, it's like, it almost feels like he's spreading himself thin.

Yes.

By going to London. It's like, okay, well, you've kind of done New York, work, but like, fucking, like, you know, do it. Like, really do it. But that's why I'm saying it's a really good dilemma, because I could also see, like, all it takes is one person, one interaction, one, like, lucky thing to, like—

but let's say that he does have, like, he finds this success in New York, he stays there, keeps working at it. Yeah. If he's not gonna have time to go do that, like, right now is probably the time, the most amount of time he'll have in his life to go do something like that and live in a new place, you know?

Yeah.

So like taking advantage of that opportunity, I feel like is like so invaluable.

Isn't it crazy that that decision, although it was like a small one, is so— I mean, that's small, but like it's just like just one decision. It's just so big.

Yeah, so big.

Like he could, he could move to London and he could fall in love with like some hippie and never, never do music again. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, we could stay and stay in New York and nothing happens. Or and then vice versa, goes to London, meets Paul McCartney's bandmate. Yeah, John Lennon. I don't know. I don't know if you'd meet John Lennon, but yeah, he would be John Lennon. But, um, yeah, like, it's just like Ringo, maybe Ringo. Yeah, yeah, it's kind of crazy. I wish, like, after you die, you can, you can kind of plug in things like that. Well, what if I moved to London when I was, when I was 22? What would have happened?

That was that book that I read, The Midnight Library. That's what it was all about. It was like you could, when you were dying, you could go and relive different scenarios. Like, well, what if I stayed with my college boyfriend?

You know, I started reading that book. I know, that's part of my 75-day hard.

Yeah.

And then I begged Ilya, I was like, can we just fucking not do the book thing? I was like 30 days into reading it.

It's like, what's the book called?

It's called The Midnight Library.

And what's it about?

This woman, she's like, she's dying, she's dead essentially. She's in hospital, she's dead. And then she goes, in her death, she goes to this place called The Midnight Library. And it's like, you know, in her consciousness she goes to this library, and every book in the library, there's infinite number of books, and she can pick to relive a number of lives. What if I wanted to be an astronomer? And she goes and opens that book, lives that life.

Or it's like, what if I— what if my relationship with this boyfriend worked? Yeah, what if I stayed with him instead of leaving?

Wow.

So what does she learn at the end of the book? Can you spoil it for us?

She, um, like, the whole Midnight Library just like crumbles, and she realizes that, you know, it's kind of cliché, but that she loved the life that she had. Like, what she— because she committed suicide. That's how she died. Oh yeah. And so she hated her life so much that she committed suicide. So she goes to the Midnight Library to see if she can— if these other lives would have saved her and would have been so much better that she would have loved her life. And she realizes none of these other outcomes were that great because I stayed with the guy from high school, but then my dad ended up dying.

She sounds pretty miserable. She would have killed herself in every Every option?

No, no, no, she had great options, but they just weren't— they weren't like as fulfilling, I guess, as she hoped they would be. And then she realized that the life that she had was, was that, and she comes back to life.

Oh, okay, so she's not like—

I like that a lot.

Oh, so she's not like my best option, killing myself.

Red Book. Say it again.

So she's— she's— she goes back, unkills herself, like continues that life.

Um, yeah, because she just— she like wakes up out of her coma, essentially.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

Okay.

Great read.

It does sound good.

Yeah, you should read books. It would be really good for you and your lack of vocabulary.

I suffer with that quite a bit. I just like can't do—

you almost couldn't find the words there. I—

protagonist with that. Um, yeah, no, I can't. I can't do books. I just, I don't— I, I especially, I just don't understand what is the point John almost can't even do movies anymore. Why? John's like, I just— because John watched the recaps on TikTok where there's a narrator that's like, this young boy suffered a car accident when he was young which gave him powers, and like goes through the movie in like 15 minutes. Wow. So he's just like— so now like scroll through Prime and he's like, oh, I saw that movie the other day. Ah. And I was like, what? And he's like, yeah, I saw on TikTok. I'm like, that doesn't count. That doesn't count. You saw Yeah, so like, that's kind of interesting. But yeah, I just— but I also never understood books.

It just helps with like literacy and like—

yeah, I get it. It's just not my cup of tea. And I've really, really tried. Only books I've ever read still to this day completely is A Series of Unfortunate Events. And I only read those because I liked how the pages were like cut at the end of it. Yeah, they had like fun little brittle, and the books just looked— the books just look cool. Yeah. And it was like the first thing that was like Step 1, step 2, finish the 12 series. That's the only reason. But other than that, you read the whole series? I think I went like 7 in and I didn't like the COVID of one. I was out.

Okay, nice.

How do we get Natalie on The Bachelor?

I think that's, that's the, that's the homework we're going to give our listeners. Okay, please message The Bachelor people and just tell them that we have a really desperate woman over here.

We should just do it.

Also, I'm about to be 30. Like, I feel like it's like the perfect thing.

It is, it is.

Yeah, gotta get you— gotta get you married soon.

Well, let us know, guys. Thank you for joining us on this pod. Very, very, very—

oh, someone else died.

Guess who just DM'd me? Oh my God, this is so sick.

Bachelor?

No, the creator of Fairly OddParents. Saying Fairly OddParents is turning 25 years old in a week. I'd love to be able to deliver a drawing to you for the 25th anniversary.

Wow, that's so cool.

I'll come to you, 10 seconds of your time.

Wait, what?

Wow, are you kidding me?

Wait, how do you—

how do you know this person in your life?

Yes, yes, yes.

So cool.

Yes. Damn, that's really—

let me check my emails. Wow, if I got anything sick. Oh, the IRS reached out. Amazing.

All right guys, that's all the time we have for this podcast. Thank you guys for listening, and we will see you for the next one. Go watch Jason's daily vlogs and go get Natalie on The Bachelor.

Bye-bye.