Hanging Out With Borat

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason Nash is here.

Hi guys, I'm officially changing my name to Jason Dobrik.

Can you do that legally without my permission?

Yeah, I can change it to Jason Dobrik. You don't own the name Dobrik, bro.

No, I know.

I think it's a pretty cool name actually.

Wait, really?

Like, what, do you have to talk to my family?

No, but wait, can you change your last name? I thought it was just your first name, like your middle name.

Change your last name?

You don't have to talk to any Dobrik.

Bro, I can change my name to fucking Microphone if I want to.

But no Dobrik. Do it.

Oh, don't dare me, bro. I will.

I triple dog dare you.

Microphone Dobrik here.

Oh, you still keep Dobrik?

Yeah, of course. It's working out well for you.

Roll intro music. Yo, isn't shampoo such a funny word? Yeah, because it's supposed to clean you, but it literally has the word poo in it. Fucking so dumb. So dumb. Yeah, it couldn't be like sham clean. Shampoo. Like, literally, like, imagine you first find out about shampoo and this guy's like, yo, you want to clean your hair? Here, use my shampoo. Yeah, I'd be like, get the fuck. Fuck you, bro. Yeah, I'm not putting your shit in my hair.

Yeah. Is that what you thought when your mom told you to put some shampoo in your hair?

Well, did you click in Hungarian? It's pronounced—

sounds worse.

I just made up a word. I don't think that's Hungarian. It's funny when people ask me to speak in my own language. Like the best part about it is no one speaks Slovak and Hungarian, so I just make up shit. So like, so like they'll be like, can you say, let's go to the park? I'll be like, hoj vad? And they'll be like, wow. Which really means how are you? But I say how are you is the translation for every fucking sentence. So and they'll be like, wow, that's so cool. And then they'll see me like, they'll see me a couple of days later and they'll like recite the line that I gave them and they'll use— they're using it completely incorrectly because I taught them incorrectly.

Can you have a full conversation with your parents? Like, can you speak it still?

If I got lost in the country, I'd be fine, right? But like, no, I cannot. I respond in English 100% of the time.

You forgot, but you— but you can understand what they're saying completely. I've heard conversations with you.

I understand. My mom speaks to me in Hungarian. My dad speaks to me in Slovak, and they both text me in their languages, and I respond in English to both of them.

You do?

But I cannot type in the language. I could just read it. It's really interesting.

Do you follow Hungarian sports or anything like that?

Oh my gosh. Yes. Igo szlás. It's the best.

What's eagleslash? That's a good—

eagleslash.

That's the national sport, right? Eagleslash. Yeah.

Yeah. Running. Running of the pelican. The pelican's the national bird and they let the pelican go and it's such a beautiful country.

And then what happens? You have like 30 days to find the pelican.

30 days to find the pelican. And if you don't find him, the prime minister comes and he gets rid of one of your limbs.

Oh, God.

Only the best play.

Wow. Obviously for eagleslash, I mean, it's the sport of champions.

Well, the best part is, is when you win, you, you have full amnesty from any crime forever. Yeah. So you could just be a criminal and you could— it's all— it's all—

you play as a boy. Was that like—

I think we could drop this. I think people listening to this are like, okay, it was funny when he said it initially, and then when they described it, I tuned out.

Dave, how much you get paid for brand deals?

That's a random question, Jay. I don't know. I don't get out of bed for less than $200,000.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. That's why I've been in bed for the last 7 months. Fucking haven't had a single deal. I shot with Borat today.

I heard.

It's just really fun.

How was he?

He's an asshole.

Yeah.

Could you imagine? No, he's fucking great.

Was he in character the whole time?

Yeah, for the most part. He— so, so, like, he arrived to my house.

Okay.

And my house, he wanted to make sure that, like, the first time I interacted with him was on camera.

Love Borat, by the way. Literally, I say it's the funniest comedy of all time.

Yeah, it's hilarious.

Hands down, I will— if you ask me what the funniest comedy is, it's Borat.

Yeah, so I shot with him. He gave us like 2 and a half hours of his time.

Unbelievable.

Which is ridiculous.

Ridiculous. No, so that's got to be a celebrity record. Yeah, that's a celebrity record. 2 and a half?

2 and a half hours. And not even like— not even like celebrities have given me their time, but like nobody has put on a show like he did.

Yes.

You know what I exactly compared to? It felt exactly 100% It was exactly like going out with you and filming.

Oh, with somebody really actually funny.

No, honestly, what— what, you know, like when we'll go out and we'll like do a character of yours and like you'll hit a stride where like there's like 5 minutes of like really funny. Yeah, that's how he is like constantly. Yeah, but like it reminded me so much of filming with you. Oh, that's so nice. So, and like the best part about him is like, like at first I was like scared to give him like very little direction. Like if I was like, can we do that again? Like I was scared to like stop his flow. But like when I was like, hey, can we get that again? Or can you say it a little differently? He was, he was like so down for it.

Yeah.

And he was like so down to like be pitched ideas and to hear like new ways to, you know, to deliver a joke, which I only did like once or twice. It was literally— I was just sitting there and holding the fucking camera. The dude's so funny. I did, I did absolutely nothing. I was talking to him about— I was talking to him about Borat, the original movie. They got sued over 200 times. They had 200 different cases after the movie.

Oh, wow.

Because, you know, because everyone in the movie, like everyone, if you watch the movie, there's like 2 actors in it and the rest, everybody's like actually reacting to Borat. And like, it's like, you know, everyone's confused at what's going on, right? And yes, we got sued over 200 times and nobody won their case against him, which is really, really awesome. Yeah, they won every case.

How much did that cost them?

I don't know, to fight all those lawsuits. But he's—

he's—

dude, he's so funny. Like, we were just driving around. It was— we were driving around and this guy pulled up and he goes, nice mask. I love the character. Oh, and like, they fucking thought— like, people didn't think it was him.

Sure.

Because it's literally the craziest celebrity to see, I feel like, out and about. Like, you could, you know, you could see Brad Pitt and Leo, which is like pretty sick.

Yeah.

Like, to see somebody that doesn't exist that's famous.

Yeah.

Is like a really, really bizarre thing.

So where did you go? What did you do?

We just went— he came to the house. We shot a lot of funny stuff here.

Yeah.

And then we surprised Suzy, which was really— she do— she like— she fucking freaked out. Yeah. She's always wanted to be surprised by Borat. And it was funny because I was supposed to— after we surprised Susie, I was supposed to go on a ride with him in the ice cream truck. And he was like—

they brought the ice cream truck.

Yeah. He hasn't used the ice cream truck in 14 years. And he brought it out. He said it was sitting in his garage, like, just as storage. And they had— they brought it out just for this moment, just to shoot, just to shoot this sketch with us.

Oh my God.

And he's like, we have to find the keys and we have to jumpstart it because it wasn't started in 14 years, like, since he used the last for his movie. And like, we were like, the plan was to surprise Suzy and then drive around Hollywood in his ice cream truck. And we got in the ice cream truck and he was like, should we bring her with? And I was like, yeah. And Suzy heard that and she was so excited. Yeah, she just kept talking. Yeah, she just kept talking. She was like, so he likes me. He really likes me, huh? Like, he must really love me if he invited me. He must think I'm so cool. Oh my God, David. She was so excited. And she sat in the back of the ice cream truck where the bear was. And it was really funny. And he's like, his jokes are so funny because they're so like, like jokes that you wouldn't say nowadays, right? Like, it's like, it's like, like we drove, like we were just driving by the street and he goes like, oh my God, a woman was driving that car. And just like, and just like, you know, things that are definitely like not okay now, but he could still get away with them because it's just That's just his character. It's so fucking funny.

And Susie must have been in heaven.

Susie was in heaven. Yeah, we hung out with him. She hung out with him like the entire time. It was crazy. And he like kept like, you know, he kept interacting with her and like saying his like original lines to her. Like, like, I want you to be my wife. And like, she was just having such a fucking blast. So you come and plow through my hedges. No, he was the best. It was a lot of fun. It reminded me so much of filming with you. Oh, like, it was crazy, bro. It was like, it was insane.

Damn. Well, I'm ready to go if you want to go film.

No, no, that's not what I'm saying, man. That's not what I mean.

I think I actually got a lot with Sasha. Don't really need you anymore.

Yeah, yeah, I think we're good.

Sasha's coming over tomorrow.

The part that really reminded me of you, or like anybody I film with, is like he kept going. Like, he asked me like at least 5 or 6 times, like, if I got enough. He was like, is that enough? Yeah. Are you sure? Like, we can redo it, like, we can be here all day. Are you good? Like, do you want to do something more? And like, he kept making sure. He's like, if that wasn't funny enough, like, let's do it again. Like, he was very, very much like— that's what I love about like those types of creatives is they're like, they're like, they're not just there to like grab a paycheck. Obviously this wasn't like a thing that he was getting paid for, but like they want to make that piece cool. Yeah, like they want to make that project cool. And like, I think that's like A lot of people in Hollywood aren't like that. Like, a lot of people in L.A. are like, I want to show up and get the job done. Like, you make sure the fucking cameras are on and I'm out. Like, and it was really cool of him that he was like always checking to see if like I wanted to redo something or whatever. Fuck, just sick. Natalie has a story about when she peed herself, but she's too shy to share it now. What happened?

It wasn't because I was like— I mean, I was drunk for sure. Like, we were out. Everyone was like partying or whatever. We had like, first of all, we had like so many people packed in the Tesla and we were out for like a night or whatever.

Yeah.

And we drove, um, I don't know, we were far out and we drove to Bootsy.

Wait, you were in my car when you pissed yourself?

I was. I didn't pee in the car.

Oh my God. Yeah. Okay.

Because I know the reason why I peed is because we were in the fucking car for literally like an hour. I think we drove from Malibu. We were at, we were at somebody's birthday in Malibu, like on PCH, like fucking way out there. And we drove all the way to Bootsy. It was like an hour long drive.

You would never pull over to let anyone pee.

And I was like, we were at party, and he was like, let's go, let's go. I didn't want to be at the party anymore, so I was like, okay. I didn't have time to like go to the bathroom. I was drinking a lot at that party, and then I was sitting on the floor and I had two other girls sitting on top of me, like literally crushing my bladder, and I had to pee so bad. I was like jiggling, whatever, and I kept telling her, I was like, I have to pee so bad, like I really have to go. And on top of that, I'm like pretty drunk, so I like literally could not hold it. And I remember like everybody got out of the Tesla, and it was taking everyone— you have to get your ID checked, all that stuff, right? So it takes a little like to get in there. So I just fucking booked it. I booked it down the street to like the corner and I just made a left and I just sat on the corner and I couldn't even— I didn't have time to even get like my pants off. I just, I just literally stood and I just peed everywhere.

Wait, you just went around the corner by Bootsy and you just started peeing in your pants?

Yeah, it's like on Sunset Boulevard. I sprinted down, I got out of the Tesla and Sauce was like, where are you going? And I was like, I couldn't even say words. I just kept sprinting.

That's probably such a funny sight, just Natalie running on Sunset Boulevard.

Pants on?

I had like, yeah, I had like the black leather pants on, I think. And I just like, I turned the corner and I could not hold anymore. I just like finally like let— I just peed for like 2 minutes.

That's the worst too. That's the worst when you pee your pants is like you start it and you're like, what have I gotten myself into? And you can't stop.

And you can't believe how much liquid's coming out.

Yeah, you can't stop and it just goes all the way. And then what happened? That you, you went back to Bootsy and you just fucking parted your ass off?

Yeah, I was like, fuck it, it's fucking party. No, I then I, uh, I was obviously very embarrassed. I didn't know what to do with myself. I just sat there on the street corner for like a couple minutes, like, what do I do? And I made, like, in hindsight, like, a terrible decision. They have, um, you know, like on the side of the clubs, they have like all those like dark, like, Mercedes that are waiting there to like take people home or whatever, like super sketchy, like random men that are just in these nasty cars. And I was like, I just had to go home, so I, um, The guy was like sitting there. They were all watching me and they didn't know I was peeing though. I think I'm sure they're all watching.

I think he's peeing right now.

And get this for TikTok.

The guy, the guy was like, do you need a ride home? And I was like, yeah, I love ride home. So I got in this man's car.

Wow. By yourself?

By myself. And terrible, terrible idea. And like, he was like, once I got into the car and I was like, you know, a couple of minutes in, I was like, this was a fucking bad idea. Like, I hope I don't get fucking abducted right now. And he was like hitting on me, like asking if I had a boyfriend, like all this stuff, like very much like— I don't know how I— I honestly don't know how he didn't like take me away.

Right.

Because it was like—

it was probably because you smelled like piss.

But no, my pants were— and I always, I always thought about that. And he like gave me his number at the end or whatever. And I always— I'm always like, I—

and that's how I met Todd.

No, but I was like, his seat It was definitely soaked. I got out of the car like my pants were soaked.

Yeah. So you never pulled your pants down to pee?

Never.

Oh, just 100%.

I just completely peed.

Did you go into the club to say goodbye to me?

No. Fuck no. I just went home.

Okay.

Because, I mean, you know, you probably should even pee your pants next time. I like a goodbye.

Interestingly enough, you didn't even, like, notice or acknowledge the fact that I was gone. I was just home for, like, a couple of hours and you're like, hey, now we're leaving the club. Where are you at? I was like, bro, I've been home for 3 hours.

Look, there's a moment we were at Bootsy, actually, and we never go to Bootsy. We go there like, we've gone there like 4 or 5 times.

Yeah.

And there was another time you came up to me and you're like, I think I'm gonna go home. And it was like almost outside of it. And I thought that was so strange. I was like, why the fuck is she going home? Did you pee yourself another time too?

I don't know why I did that.

Yeah, that's so funny.

I ended a friendship over peeing my pants once. I was driving. I was like a really long drive from like New York to Boston and I had to pee. And this kid was driving me back to Boston. I was like, I have to pee. I'm like, can you pull over? And he was like, no. And I was like, okay. And then another hour went by. I'm like, I'm like, Tim, I gotta fucking— I have to pee. You gotta fucking pull over. And he was like, no. And then he took a water bottle, and as I— as we drove to Boston, he would just take the water and like— and it made me want to pee more for some reason, like watching the water.

What do you mean? What would he do with the water?

He would just take the water and like—

I know, but describe it, bro. We're on a podcast.

I'm sorry. Yeah, I know.

He's like showing with his hands. I'm sorry.

He would take a water bottle Yeah, and like shake it up and down, and it made me really need to pee.

Why would he shake the water bottle?

Because he knew it was like making me need to pee more.

I was screaming.

I was like, bro, let me out of the fucking car. I'm like, stop shaking the water bottle.

I would love to. How old are you?

I was like 21.

Could you imagine 21-year-old Jason pissing himself?

And then I— he eventually let me out on like the highway. I pissed, and then afterwards I never fucking— I never talked to him again.

Really?

I'm fucking done with you. Like, don't ever do that shit.

Wow.

I thought it was really fucking sadistic.

I'm sorry to hear that, Jay.

It's okay, man.

If you ever need to pee when I'm in the car, I'll make sure I have a bottle ready for you to pee in.

Thanks, bro.

I got a couple of DMs to take a purity test. We all took a purity test and all being Ilia, Ella, and Natalie. And what a purity test.

I took it too.

And Jason.

Oh, and Jason. Sorry, I didn't know what it meant, but it asks you questions like anywhere from it goes like, have you, have you ever kissed anybody? Have you? And I wrote down some questions that like really weirded me out. Like, have you ever consumed Someone's genital secretion. I just feel like that's the most disgusting way to put that. Yeah. Like, imagine you're in fucking bed, like, I want your genital secretion all over me. Yeah, it's fucking— I didn't write the questions, Natalie.

You're the one that decided to point it out.

Another one was, have you ever been manipulated into an orgasm? Which is also a weird way to put things. It's like, you're going to orgasm. Like, what does that mean? And I think it's just another way. It's like, has anybody ever made you come? So you answer all these questions.

There's a quiz you can't— can't write. Has anyone ever made you come?

Have you ever drank? Have you ever smoked? Have you ever—

Arrested by the police?

Have you ever seen porn? Like some basic ones and some complicated ones. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And you get a score, what is it, 1 to 100? Is that how it works?

I feel like mine's gonna be the worst 'cause I've been around the longest.

I have a feeling—

I've done all those things.

I have a feeling yours is gonna be horrendous.

Yeah.

Okay.

And I have a feeling you lied to make yours look better than it is.

That's not true. I was honest, genuinely honest.

You were?

Yeah, no, we were all honest.

I lied about like 2 questions.

Okay.

I lied about this one. No, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't lie about any of them.

It doesn't even make sense to lie because it doesn't tell you what questions we talked about.

Well, obviously you can tell. The more yeses, the worse score you're gonna get.

No, I know, but it's not like it's gonna say, oh, David fucked an animal. It just gives him a score.

Literally, that's what it literally says up on the front.

Mine says that I fucked an animal.

Mine says, well, my score, I'll just say, my score is 18, and it says congratulations on being hardcore. It is likely that you have had sex with an animal, a cousin, or a paying customer before. I bet you have never come across anyone with a lower score in real life, which I doubt until Natalie and Jason. Natalie, what'd you get?

I got a 16.

Yeah, I got a 29.

I thought that was pretty low, bro. Okay, okay, guys.

He's barely in life, Ilya. I mean, there's so many things that he's just not a part of.

So now I get it. I get it now. The more prude you are, the higher the number.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, right. Is prude the right word, or is that like— I think that's what it is. The more pure you are. It's a purity test. Ella, what was yours? Woman that has 3,000 nudes on her cell phone?

Surprisingly, I got a 30.

Oh, not as much of a whore as you make yourself out to be.

Right. Now that I'm hearing your numbers, I'm like, interesting. So I'm not the slut of the group.

Well, I feel like a lot of the questions were also like, you don't really have to be a slut to answer them. You just have to have one good partner that like showed you the world.

I mean, yeah, I guess. But you should read like the things that it says.

What does it say about me?

30 says This range of scores is reserved for the super hardcore people, like the people who have been in orgies or in jail. Example: You probably used a hardcore drug or had sex in public or had anal sex, etc. Moral limit is never a problem in your life.

This is an inappropriate question to ask my employee, but have you had anal sex?

No.

Okay. I said no to that one too. Now, did you say no to that one?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

That's why you got a 16.

Yeah, that question alone is probably like 45 points.

Yeah.

Anal sex must count for a lot of points.

Really?

So, okay, so the lowest score so far is Natalie, 16. Let's take it over to King Jason, who's been around for 3,000 years. King Jason.

I have the record.

You have the record?

Yeah, I got a 9.

Whoa! You should be in jail.

Congratulations on being hardcore. It's likely that you have had sex with an animal, a cousin, or a paying customer before. Yep.

Yeah, wow.

I bet you've never come across anyone with a lower score, and I got the same as you.

I wonder what you answered. That was—

I said yes to anal sex, and now that I think about it, I never actually had anal sex.

What?

What do you mean?

I was trying to do it quickly, and I went by yes, and I was like, alright, it's fine. I tried to have anal sex, so I'm guilty.

Yeah, you read it as, have you really wanted to have anal sex?

Yeah. Oh, I got a really funny card from David and Natalie.

Okay, so we sent people this like fragrance package where they had the fragrance and we sent them a card, and in the card there was a customized sound that would play. It'd be like, "Hey, it's David Dobrik. Thank you, John Stamos, for being a cool guy. Here's your fragrance." And we sent one to Jason, and it was a little like, it was supposed to be goofy and funny, 'cause it was really harsh, and he put it on his Insta Stories.

Natalie called me yesterday and specifically told me to put it on my story.

I know, he put it on his story, and he's showing it in front of his kid. Charlie's in the background, and he's playing it for her, and right in front of her, she's 11 years old, And I had to call Jason and I pretended and I was like, yeah, let's save it for the podcast. Delete it off your story.

She didn't care.

Even though I just wanted him to delete it off his story. But you have the card here.

The card's really funny.

Jason, wanted to leave you a little message. I'm just kind of saying thank you to everybody for supporting the cause. Your message is going to sound a little different. So excuse me for this. Here we go. Fuck you, you little pussy ass bitch. You old motherfucking asshole. Now imagine fucking little Charlie's fucking sitting there. Dick or bitch.

Just kidding.

Natalie, I can't do this. You fucking take over.

Hey Jason, it's Natalie. So happy you can support David, you fat fucking old piece of shit.

So, I felt— Give me the perfume. We love you. Those were all jokes. Bye, dude.

That's fucking it.

You know what was funny? One of my old, old YouTube videos, you know how like the thumbnail will fall out of the video sometimes?

Yeah, yeah.

It'll just give you a screenshot. And, uh, it just came up like an old YouTube video, and the title is Why I Got Divorced, but the thumbnail fell out and it's just a picture of Charlie. I have to change it.

That's so funny. Just your daughter. Yeah. Oh boy. Yeah, your kids are gonna have a field day going through your videos.

I can't imagine what my poor kids— I dressed as Hulk Hogan the other day and they just did not like it. Yeah, like I showed up with like like a bikini and like a tank top. And I was like, isn't this great? And they were like, oh my God, this is the worst.

What happened though?

So I don't know if we've talked about my OfficeMax endeavors and how—

yeah, I used to be the manager at OfficeMax. Yeah, it's pretty impressive too because he started working there and like after 2 weeks he got promoted.

I was like 17. So the other, um, the other day I realized that John also worked at OfficeMax with me And I completely forgot.

I didn't know that either, bro.

Oh, wow.

I forgot that too.

It went to your head real quick, dude.

I used to do so much destructive shit at OfficeMax.

Yeah, yeah. We can say this now because it's like maybe he can't get arrested anymore, but Ilya used to like steal shit from OfficeMax.

Okay, okay. Well, then don't— Ilya, like, you guys would come in and collectively I would let you steal. Okay.

All right. Let's be clear. Let's be clear.

Let's be very clear. Yes.

Steal shit is like a Dr Pepper or like an iPad. No, no, no, no. Come on.

Or an iPod charger or like snacks.

Okay. But when we say iPod charger, like those $7 ones, right?

Like $7 to $30.

It was also Office Max. It wasn't Best Buy. So like the best product there was like a low-end PC.

Like, right.

Like it wasn't like, you know, moving computers onto a truck. No, no, no. We weren't reselling them on the other part of town. Like, no, no, no. Like when we would steal steal stuff, it'd be like candy bars, and it'd be like, I don't fucking know, erasers.

I don't know, but it was like really, very like minuscule, small, really stupid shit.

But at the time when you're a fucking kid and you're taking a free Dr Pepper, you're like, my God, you're checking the fucking cameras. Like, it's a lot.

And there were no cameras.

And I remember how it started. I was like, can I have a Sprite? And it was like, yeah. I was like, dude, can you use your discount? I was like excited. I was like, yo, can you use your discount? He's like, just take it. And I went, what? And he's like, just take it. I was like, no, no, seriously? You want me to take this? And then, yeah, and then from there on out, it was just like, it was like free snacks.

Did they ever know?

No, I mean, like, my, my general manager would always be like, oh, that's interesting, like, there's no pop, but there's no, like, sales for pop. So I'd be like, yeah, I don't know, right? But yeah, we would do like the most, the most destructive shit. Like, you could make a fucking TV series out of what we would do. Like, My other manager would like ride his bike around the store, like his motorcycle, like in between the aisles. We would get, we would get shipments of like new product, and I remember we'd have these challenges of like who can hit the product pile harder. And like it'd come in like a really big tall box of like, of like 20 crates just filled with shit like erasers, fucking scissors, whatever. And like we'd have to like put all that shit away in the aisles instead of doing that. We'd like run at it full speed like a football player and just knock it over and it'd fucking blow up and just go everywhere. And then we make like the other employees clean it that like wouldn't be in on it. And we'd be like, oh shit, accident again in the back room. Can you go like clean it up?

So bad. So, so bad.

So many people were under you.

Uh, maybe like, were you John's boss?

Yeah.

Yeah. How do you not remember?

I don't know, man.

I just—

I— someone told me a story about John at OfficeMax and I like freaked out. I was like, holy fuck, John, do you remember any of this? Like, that used to go on? This is like—

this is the dark side.

Like, how long did you work there for?

This is John's—

and don't, don't say what happened because I'm gonna say what happened.

How long did you work there for?

I think I worked there for like 4 months. Okay, 5, 6, because—

right, what happened with John?

I'll tell that in a second. I'm trying to remember like if we did anything else because like other people would like hook up in the back room.

Like there was one time John and his brother Reggie—

bro, I was never part of that group, man.

Bro, and like Fuck John.

God, I'd love to have an interview with John to hire him. Just like, so what are your goals? Soccer. Oh, what the fuck did you just say, man? I don't know if we can hire you.

I found out, I at least recently remembered why John stopped working at OfficeMax. He got caught. He got caught. You know how like at checkout, like, you like give your fucking member number or whatever? So like, we were—

yeah, yeah.

So he got caught. Instead of like putting the member number into the members, they put the member number into like his own account. Yeah. And like, they caught on that like there's all these different people under his name, and they're like— I don't know how the system fucking works.

So he was, he was using— every time someone would purchase something, he would get points on his own account? On his own account. Yeah. Oh my God.

And it was a terrible—

You were fucking stealing chargers.

What are you talking about? I wasn't. It was 10 bars. I know. Wait, John, you were doing that?

No, because some other guy from Office Max was like, yo, I do this. I was like— And he never really showed me the way.

I was like, oh, John's the type of guy to learn that and then go to his boss and be like, yo, have you heard of this? You know, we could be making free points. Yeah, man, that's illegal. Oh shit, it was illegal.

And but my fault was I was, I was way too hero still, I would say, because I still put my name, my address on the fucking receipt.

So what did you get, like a printer or something?

It was just like you would buy instead of stealing shit, I would buy it, right?

Yeah.

With points.

I guess you could buy an iPad, right?

There were no iPads. There were Office Max.

No, there were no iPads.

What were you going to do with the points? What did you want, a PC or pens?

How much points you get? How did— how was John on the podcast for 5 minutes and he already lost his voice? No.

Are you guys enjoying being here? Are you taking advantage of like Taylor? I love when you tell Taylor what to do.

Never tell Taylor what to do. We don't even see David.

No, yeah, right.

We don't even see David.

Like I said last time, John, medium rare Taylor, please.

Yeah, what are you talking about? Fuck, I remember I brought Taylor to Vernon Hills. And all the boys were like, dude, like, don't tell Taylor what to do. Like, just have her hang out with us. And then fucking 2 days into the trip, John's like, make sure the deep dish has extra pepperonis on it. Okay. Like fucking 2 days in, he sips the Kool-Aid. It's not a lie. Didn't that happen? No, it's such a lie.

I don't know about that. I don't know, John.

What else happened?

Yeah, so I would do this fucked up thing sometimes where I would just leave the store while I'm a manager on duty and like go home.

Oh, fuck.

For the day.

You as the manager of OfficeMax, like, yeah. Did you not— was it not like that tough of a job?

No, it wasn't tough at all.

It wasn't tough at all. It was easier than being an employee?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because you didn't—

you had like the authority of like not doing the— like not putting away the product and like doing all like—

what did you have to do?

Shit. Count the drawers at like the end of the night.

That's it.

Like, yeah. And managing the employees.

Like, you were just there if someone was like, hey, let me speak to the manager, right? How many angry people would you have come to you?

A lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, I feel like it would be the scariest person to have come to you, like Natalie's mom.

I was literally just thinking the same exact thing because my mom has done some shady ass, like, return store, all that sorts of bullshit. Like, that's how I grew up. That's how I got, like, things that I wanted because my mom would go to the stores and, like, do some shady. I'd be like, I really want this. And she would, she would come back with it, but like, and I just didn't ask questions like, how did you get this?

Hold on, hold on, can you— I don't know, my mom, my mom would too. Like, like my mom would— my mom used to rip off barcodes from—

what?

From, um, uh, movie, like movie tapes, like when we were really poor because we couldn't afford them. And she'd bring them home from like Walmart.

What's a movie tape?

Yeah, what do you mean?

Like a VHS tape.

Yeah, like, I don't mean to like put your parents down, hype my parents up, but my parents would never in a million years— like, they are so pure to that type of shit. If they fucking heard that, that your parents did that, they would make sure I never see you ever again. They're like, they're so against that type of shit. It's really bizarre. The stuff like— the only thing that I did is I would go to Best Buy every month and I'd buy a new headset. And there's a 30-day return policy. Your headphones could be open, whatever. And I'd get Bose, I'd get Beats every month for like a new, new headphones every 30 days. And I would never lose any money because I just return it for a refund.

It's crazy. They didn't like flag your account, be like, this kid does this every single month, the same return. My mom will always like—

my mom held a gun up to the clerks.

And my mom, we would go to like a TJ Maxx or whatever and there'd be like, like small little things, like there would be a cute necklace or earrings or something. And she would like, she would just try the RV through the front door.

Just smash the RV right through Macy's. No, tiny Natalie runs out with a little pillowcase and just loads it up with rings and necklaces. This will pay for your trip to LA, Natalie. Go, go, go!

No, but she would like— she would have her purse on her shoulder, right?

Yeah.

And you know in the cart, the little thing where the little baby sits in the front?

Yeah.

She would put like things on there. And then we'd go to checkout, she would put her purse on top of them so they'd all be under the purse so no one could see it.

Your mom seems like the type of woman to like, to like be like, I don't know, in Vegas and like, and like do something where like she'll be like really sexual towards a man and then she'll end up stealing his car. Like she like, she'll be like, come here, bad boy, let's take a ride. And like she won't touch the guy, but she'll end up leaving with his fucking car and she'll be like, fuck you, you old fuck. Like, you know, like not a grifter, like an Angelina Jolie type of character, like this, like, like this, like, woman who's just like seduces. Yeah, like always runs from the law and uses her seduction powers to her advantage.

And then she just likes to travel in her trailer and see the country, that's all.

I don't think she likes stealing. How do you think she got that trailer?

Honestly, I don't know. Um, yeah, I don't know. She— I mean, I feel like it's just like some people when they come from different circumstances, like, she had it like rough. I don't know, she like grew up in the city and like didn't have money, and yes, so she had to get by somehow, and she wanted to be cool and hot, you know. So you guys gotta do what you gotta do.

Everybody does something fucked up once in a while, or like in their early life, you know, or maybe if you're going through a tough time. But as long as you learn from it, you know, don't do it again.

Imagine running a business though.

Why did you just say that? Was that just so like in case Office Max is listening? Just like, you're just like, hey man, people make mistakes.

Takes.

But, uh, you learn from it.

And Office Max, I love you guys.

It's okay, John, that you got fired for doing—

No, it's—

I—

yeah, I totally get— like, I think everybody has like some fucked up— I'm just surprised that you guys all have these fucked up stories. This is crazy. I don't think—

like, I like—

surrounded by criminals.

I mean, like, I feel like— never mind.

What?

I've just— no, I don't want to condone shoplifting or anything, but you've shoplifted?

Yeah, I got— I got— I shoplifted once. I was shocked I got caught.

I couldn't believe you got caught.

I got caught. Yeah.

What?

Shocked.

I was shocked.

What did you get caught with?

All my friends would go steal cigarettes from like the Stop and Shop in college. They— everyone did it. And like, and then I like did it once, maybe I got away with it. And then the second time I did it, they totally caught me.

What do they do? Just take the cigarettes away?

Guys like, can you come back in the store? And I was like, no. And he's like, you got to come back in the store. And I was like, okay. And then I went back in the store and he was just like, like, don't ever come back here. He's like, I'm okay, cool. And never went to that Stop and Shop again. How was your birthday? What was the highlight?

Can we talk about it?

Sure.

I'll tell you his highlight. Ilya's highlight was— so Ilya has like the most awkward room in the house. He's the most awkward room. It was his birthday and he's been talking to this girl and she was in town. He was like, I want to have this girl over. And I was like, yeah, that fucking sounds sick. And I was like, are you gonna like hook up with her? And he's like, dude, I don't know, like I can't, like my room's in such an awkward spot, like His room is literally like, it's like living in a fishbowl. It's in the middle of the house. And it's like, before Ilya moved in, that room was used because it had a bathroom there and people would go there. It's literally like a waiting room for the bathroom. That's what that room is like. And I was like, Ilya, dude, like, just have sex in my room. Like, I don't care. Like, I'll leave for an hour or two. Like, I don't fucking mind. I don't care if you have sex in my bed. He's like, no, no fucking way. And like, we went into my room and like, he's like, I can't do that, bro. It just feels so weird. And then we both go into my room and then he like, he like tries to play it out in his head. Like, he like gets on the bed, like pretending to have sex with the girls. Like, I can't do it. I can't even pretend right now, bro. It's just so weird to have sex on your bed. Like, so we're like running through the positions and he's like, I'm not fucking doing that. I'm not fucking doing that. I'm not fucking doing that. And I'm like, okay. So I leave for the night, um, because, you know, Ilya was doing his thing and whatever. So I just leave. What happened to why you ended up actually in my room when you said you weren't gonna have sex there?

Turns out you could have sex in there.

I went in my room. And, and fucking before like this all happened, I kept telling Dave, I'm like, someone's gonna walk in, someone's gonna walk in my room.

He's like, no dude, no, no, no, trust me, no one's gonna walk in.

Everybody raise your hand and make sure like no one's gonna—

no one's gonna walk in, right?

Right, John?

Right?

Yeah, I took— I had everyone in the living room like be like, yo, deadass everyone here, no one's walking on Nelly having sex, right? And it was like, yeah, yeah, we're good, we're good.

Yeah, except the one person who wasn't in the room walks right in and she's like, can you close it somehow? I'm like I'm gonna try. So like, I fucking left the room, tried to like look for something to blockade the fucking door.

You should have used your bed. You should have just pulled your bed over to the door.

I'm sorry, I didn't fucking think about moving my bed halfway across the fucking—

halfway across the room. The room's for the fucking size of the bed.

My dick was rock hard. I wasn't thinking about feng shui.

So whatever.

Fuck it, let's go to this room. I don't think anyone's gonna come in there. So we go in that room, and fucking John comes in that room.

I didn't go through the door because it was locked.

No, it was—

I mean, I didn't know it was locked. All right, I went through the window, you know, the window aisle, because I was gonna scare someone. I was like, what? I just see Ilya. I'm like, fuck. All right, what is it with the Castro family trying to fuck?

I know, they're trying to fuck. Watch Ilya have sex.

Wait, what did you see?

Um, no, I didn't see anything. You guys were just cuddling, I guess. But I just like—

Sounds like Ilya. Yo, no privacy here for our cuddles. Let's go over there and I'll get you Flowers. Did you see there's like 2 articles, there's like 2 press hits and like a couple gossip Instagram pages that made posts saying many fans are mad at David Dobrik for saying he doesn't like nature in his podcast. And it was like, I read through the comments and it was like, dude, it's fucking crazy, it's crazy. The last podcast I said I didn't like nature, and by this I didn't mean that I don't care about— sure, the like ecosystem, or like, I think you shouldn't recycle and I think you should litter. It was like, I just literally do not care. Yeah, yeah. And like what I said in the podcast, I like, I was like kind of joking and being like, like, I know you were. I wasn't joking about the actual nature, but I was kind of like, you guys are gonna really hate me for this. Like, I didn't think people would actually get mad. Yeah, and people are pissed.

Hold on a second. David Dobrik comes under fire after claiming he hates nature. YouTube star David Dobrik might be known for his charitable giveaways and wholesome content, But he's coming under fire from critics after claiming he's not a huge fan of being out in Mother Nature.

Un-fucking-real.

He's coming under fire.

Listen to these.

Some people are bombing the house.

Listen to these.

For those out of the loop, David Dobrik is one of YouTube's most popular content creators, best known for giving away heaps of cash to fans— a little compliment for you there, Dave— and those in need, as well as holding contests to give away prizes for Teslas. 'I cannot describe how much I fucking hate nature,' Dobrik began. 'I never knew I could be so angry at something, Ilya. I was hiking in the mountains, Natalie, and everybody I saw, I was just getting angry at. I was like, why are you here? I was so mad.

It feels so wrong because—' Could you imagine, like, you know, like when a celebrity is about to work with me, their team will look me up to see what articles I have about me, and this is what's coming up? Well, he doesn't like nature.

Yeah, sorry, Natalie Portman's out.

She saw your comment about the Everglades. Not a fan.

It feels so wrong because everybody loves nature, he continued. What is so cool about something that's been here for millions of years? What is so cool about that? It feels like everything I've worked for has been erased. I'm stuck with the dirt and the grass and the leaves. You sound fucking nuts. And I sat here last week and listened to the whole thing like, good take. He's like, I hate nature too. Unsurprisingly, Dobrik was promptly assailed by angry commenters, took to their opinions, blah blah blah. More specifically on his annoyed attitude about something as mundane as nature.

It's a fucking podcast.

What is wrong with people?

I don't know. That was tough for me to understand.

Up next, Charli D'Amelio does not like pizza.

Oh my God.

It's literally a Charli D'Amelio story next.

All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today. Thank you guys for listening to the podcast. My favorite part was when Jason talked.

I can do some more right now. I can plug a lot of my socials. We're good.

We'll see you guys later. This has been Abuse Podcast. My name is Jeff.