Girlfriend Tearing Us Apart

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason tells me his biggest flaw right off the bat, right now. I want to know.

Yeah, small penis.

Anything else?

Crushing debt. Kids don't respect me. Got an ex-wife who's on my case about my new girlfriend that does semi-porn.

All right, we're done.

Losing my hair, hairy back. I have my girlfriend's name tattooed on my ankle, which might not be the best thing for kids to see.

Okay, let's roll the intro. No, let's roll.

It's not my nose. I got a bad burn.

Let's roll the—

let's—

here's the intro. All right guys, welcome back to the podcast. My name is David, I am 21 years old.

And I'm Jason. Is that the right place to jump in? No? Okay, sorry. And I'm Jason, I'm 44, cuz I know we have to say our ages cuz it's such a big deal to David that I'm so old that I could be his dad.

Jason just got back from his vacation vacation from Cabo. This is, um, Jason's fourth vacation.

It's pronounced Cabo. I've been in Mexico, Dave.

This—

I've seen the world.

Yeah, Jason just came back from Mexico, uh, from Cabo, and this is our first time interacting. You just got out of the Uber? Yeah, straight up just came out of the Uber. He hasn't even had time to eat. I didn't talk to him.

Wouldn't let me eat.

This is our first time meeting since his vacation, and now I'm going to hit him square in the face. I'm gonna beat the fuck out of him with my microphone. Um, no. Um, so how— first of all, what's with you, Mr. World Traveler, bro? Okay, last podcast and the podcast before, we were talking about how I don't see a lot of you, right? If someone's listening to these in order, you're just gonna hear how our relationship is falling apart.

How is it falling apart?

Okay, it's not falling apart, but I haven't seen you, and I haven't seen you in a while. And you're— even the people around the house are like, dude, where's Jason? Like, come on, you've been leaving a lot.

What is that? Is that like against some— is there some unspoken vlog squad, uh, thing that I've broken here?

Not allowed to leave?

No, Scott goes away all the time. Todd goes away. Todd and Critter Travel.

Yeah, but you're doing that— you're doing that new girlfriend thing like to the max. Like the, the— like, I got a new girlfriend, so I'll never see any of you fucking losers again. Do you know what I mean?

I am? Yeah.

Oh, it's not a big deal. I'm just saying— actually, it's a big deal.

You are so jealous. I've never seen seeing somebody, dude, so jealous.

Everyone's agreed with me. They're like, where's Jason?

Because you walk around, you walk around, you go to each person. I know what you do. You put that red fucking crappy blanket on your shoulder that's covered in Link hair, and you, with your laptop, you're like, Jason's gone again. Don't you think that's kind of weird? And you fucking rile everyone up. And I know what Scott would say. I know what Scott would say. Yeah, that's, uh, what he's doing, David. He has a lot. No, you're not true. He's not. He's not. Don't touch me.

Carly came to me yesterday, and actually today, and she's like, Carly? Carly?

Yeah, Carly doesn't live here.

See, you— she moved in 3 days ago, but you wouldn't fucking know.

What did Carly say?

Carly was like, it's weird, like Jason's gone, like where's, where's Jason?

And I'm like, I went months without seeing Carly.

You know what, I'm not gonna say anything.

Such a liar. I swear Carly didn't say shit.

Whatever, let's—

Carly came to you.

I'm done with the negative shit.

No, no, no, I'm not. Carly came to you and was like, yeah, Jason's not around at all. I'd go weeks not seeing Carly.

It's not that she doesn't see you, it's that she sees your vlogs and she sees that she's not around, she sees my vlogs and she sees that you're not around. It's not like that, dude.

I fucking can't vlog with you. It's too hard. You never—

doing that thing that he said he would do.

You never— you— that's funny. You, you, you are too— dude, listen, you have a vlog. It's fucking lit, straight up.

It's really good.

Thank you so much.

And you have the best vlog without question.

I fucking appreciate that.

And I love helping you with your vlog.

I really appreciate that.

And I love when you found me in that fucking comedy club and brought me here. It's awesome.

But I've moved on, motherfucker.

But I haven't moved on.

Kidding.

But, you know, like, it was taxing on you because, like, you'd be out doing your vlog and then I'd, like, have to pull my camera out because I'd fucking have to vlog too. And it's like you were fucking hating it. You would hate when I would be like, okay, David, now my vlog. You hated it.

We had the best relationship on my vlog.

We did have the best relationship on your vlog.

Listen, I don't care, Jason. I'm willing to put it all beside us.

I hope so. Yeah, I'll put what beside us?

Fucking asshole.

You are so jealous and I love it. I have never seen— I've been around this earth a long time and I have never seen anyone react to one of my girlfriends like this. You are so lost, dude.

We're all like this.

Like what?

We miss you, bro.

What?

How can you yell at me for missing my friend?

You're so full of shit. You just want someone to— you just—

I am.

You are full of shit. See, everybody, he just admitted it out of the pocket. No, you're not. You're too lazy to edit. You're going to a movie with Liza.

Fuck you.

It's staying in.

All right, listen, let's put this beyond— I want to know about your trip. How was your trip to Cabo?

It was—

prick.

It was so magical to know that No one was going to come shoot me with a paintball gun.

Yes.

At any time, because we were—

as you guys know, as you guys know, last time Jason went on vacation, I surprised him and I shot him with a paintball gun. And I couldn't go to Cabo because it's in Mexico. And if I leave the country, I can't reenter for 10 years because of my citizenship. I'm dead serious. I asked Todd, I said, should I just fucking do it?

I wish you did. I wish you fucking did. I would have. I would have. I would have. Called you the greatest man of all time, if you had risked your citizenship for that show—

I mean, it wouldn't be risked. I would have left. Like, I wouldn't have come back to the United States.

Maybe you could have got back in.

No, and then it would have been game over.

Really? Game over?

Yeah, 100%.

Well, even so, I, I, I—

But how badass would have that been if I would have just showed up?

So badass.

You would have let me shoot you like 30 times, right?

If you came to that resort, I would have— I probably would start crying. I would have cried for multiple reasons. One, because you ruined my vacation, and two, because your life would be over. Yeah, and then I would have been like, David, you dumb fuck, why did you do this?

I thought about it. I feel like it would have been worth it if I would have showed up. Imagine how fucking— that would have been my final vlog. It would have been badass as hell. Like, this is it.

What a way to go out.

Yeah.

Why are you living like this? Why are you living to such extremes?

What do you mean?

Your content doesn't need to— you don't need to be this extreme to have good content.

That's— you're totally right.

Can I tell you something? We went to the— we went to the resort. And I got to Mexico and I was like, okay, pretty cool. And I was like, he could, he could come, he would come. I'm like, I was thinking about this, then drive up and we're driving through the fucking Cabo and getting there. And I'm like, and we get there and the resort that is through a mountain, they had to blow dynamite through the fucking mountain.

Oh, that's sick.

And there is a 200-foot gate at the— like, it's, it's an armed guards, like, because it's fucking Mexico. Yeah, you know. And I was like, I was like, sweet, he is not getting in here. Because a part of me thought you would come.

Yeah, no, I mean, don't get me wrong, if I would have been able to enter the US, it wouldn't have even been a question.

You would have came?

Yeah.

It would have been so much fun.

It would have been every vacation. Every vacation I'd come. I don't care if you're in Syria already getting torn to pieces. I would have come and helped.

I'm being held hostage in Syria. You just come and shoot me and leave?

Yeah, you're tied up. You're like, thank God.

That's it for today. This vlog.

Um, no, but, uh, how was, how was the vacation? I saw you swam with dolphins.

Yes.

Did you see the comments you got? Uh, people are not happy you were swimming with dolphins.

Oh no, I, I didn't see it. I don't, I don't read comments.

Yeah, I, I went through them because I just assumed that they were going to be animal lovers. People didn't like the swim with, uh, with dolphins.

Here you are to fucking shit on the nice moment that we had. The dolphin was fucking born there, okay? The dolphins, they were born there. The one I swam with was born in captivity.

That's amazing. So if you're born into slavery, that's, I guess, just That's just the best thing for you.

A few slaves as well, what's the big deal?

No, I mean, it's, uh, I, I don't— I never thought that.

You don't give a fuck.

I didn't think— I don't think there's a problem with swimming with dolphins.

Bringing it up.

There's a lot— I honestly am actually a big dolphin supporter and any animal wildlife, and I thought it was fucked up.

Yeah, right, like you give a fuck about any animal. You're from Czechoslovakia waiting to fucking cook Link on the grill the first fucking chance you get.

Um, but no, what's your opinion on it? Obviously I see your opinion on—

on, you know, we went there, she, she had booked it and I was like, oh fuck, SeaWorld. Like, this is probably gonna—

oh SeaWorld?

It wasn't SeaWorld, but I was like, that's—

I know all—

I, I know that like people are like, oh fuck. She's like, we're swimming with dolphins. I was like, oh cool, we're going out in the ocean. And then we got there and I was like, oh, because you know—

wait, is it every time you swim with the dolphin you get shit, or is it just because that one was in captivity?

Probably because I was in captivity.

Oh, so if you like rode a random one in the wild, you'd be good?

I don't know, I'm sure people would have problems with that too. People have problems with everything.

Yeah, it's funny.

So then we got there and I was like, uh, oh fuck, this is probably gonna be some backlash. And I was like, all right, whatever.

So how was the vacation? Give me the quick breakdown.

It was great. We went, we shot tons of videos, tons of vlogs. We ate really— we saw a mariachi band last night. We swam with dolphins. We went—

Did you guys make love a lot?

We— Did you guys make hello? We put the picture of you on the wall, and then we made love underneath it.

Good.

And I screamed your name right as I orgasmed. So I have that footage for you. I'll give it to you.

What was the best part?

Best part was the mariachi band.

Her nipples? No, no, I meant of the entire vacation.

Uh, just— it was just a very relaxing resort. Just tons of— the best part is vlogging with her. That's the best part.

Was the ocean cool?

Um, the ocean was so nice. Everything was so fucking—

was it warm?

Warm.

Uh, it's like— it's cold here, right? Yeah, it's like freezing probably compared to where you're from.

Yeah, it was— it was just— everything was just so perfect. It honestly— just vlogging with her is so fucking easy.

He's talking about his girlfriend.

It's just like, oh, she's just— she's just great. She's just always down. We're always making stuff, we're always shooting stuff. It's awesome.

It reminds me of, uh, two people I used to know.

Dude, I'm— I fucking tried.

How the fuck do you get so angry, bro? Because what are you on? Are you on some Trisha Paytas steroids?

You're angry. You're not angry.

I am never—

the right thing to do—

here we go. Oh, here we go, here we go.

Go, go like this. I'm really happy for you, Jason. That's it. That's all you have to say.

Okay.

That's all I have to say.

Okay, I'll say it.

I'm really happy for you. I'll say it.

Go fuck yourself.

You see, see, here's your problem.

No, listen, listen, hold on, time out. I'm happy for you. I just wish I can share some of your newfound happiness. 'Cause the problem is, this is my problem, this is my problem.

I'm gonna fucking reach across this room and take the microphone and choke you out.

Listen, this is my problem, is—

That you ruin any moment we have together anyway? No, no, this is— That's your problem.

This is my problem. Is when I see you, you're very tired because you're doing all these fun activities. And then there's no fun activities left for David and Jason to do.

Dude, you sound like fucking—

OK, OK. Why are you getting so angry?

Because you— I have set aside moments just for you.

I love it.

I really appreciate it. I actually have.

We actually have a moment this weekend together.

Where?

I can't tell you. I can't say on the podcast, but we have something we're doing this weekend.

What?

Well, you know, and it's nothing scary to you, but are you busy this weekend?

Trisha and I are going to Bora Bora. No, what's this weekend?

I can't say on the podcast.

Oh, fuck. Can we stop recording for a second?

Why is it gonna—

I just want to know what it is.

Is it gonna eat you up?

I'll wait.

It's not— it's literally not bad. We're just— we're literally going Sunday night somewhere. Oh, like just like an event.

I'll plan it.

Yeah.

What?

What?

No way.

What do you mean?

Sunday night? Fuck, are you serious?

No, we're not going to the Oscars.

Here's the problem. I actually have set aside time to be with you, to help you with your vlog.

What happened?

And what— isn't it so much nicer now when I'm around and I'm not like trying to make you vlog? Because you fucking hated it. Every time I'd pull my camera out, you'd be like, oh, Oh God, every fucking time. So isn't it much better? So now I— what did I do? What night did we leave? Oh, Sunday night. I fucking— I talked to her and I was like, I was like, um, you invited her to David's thing. She's like, I'm not going to go.

Therapy, guys.

Yeah, it is. And she's like, Sunday night you had a little party. And, and then I was like, I was like, do you want to go? And she was like, no, I'm tired. And I was like, okay, cool. And I did that specifically because I was going away and I was like, oh cool, I'll give David my entire Sunday night I fucking go and shoot. I get there, and what did you do? You fucked it all up.

I said, where's Trisha?

Huh?

I said, where's Trisha?

You started a fight between me and Trisha.

You thought I did that on purpose.

You didn't do it on purpose. I don't think you do anything on purpose. I think you're too fucking stupid. I think you're too fucking stupid to understand the interactions of human beings.

I literally just called Trisha. I called Trisha, and I'm like, why don't you come? And she's like, Jason doesn't want me to come. That's exactly how it happened.

Yeah, you should know not to fucking just start inviting couples. There was— we had obviously already worked it out. You knew that was going to be a problem.

No, I never knew it was gonna be like that. I literally called her. I'm like, why aren't you coming?

You should know, David.

How would I know that? You told her not to come.

I didn't tell her not to come.

Well, that's what it sounded like.

It's, it's honestly— why would you stick your fucking nose in it? So you— okay, the point is, the point is you started a whole fight with us.

Here's the point. The point is I asked her to come. I didn't know that it was like pre— I thought she was just like She's not in the mood. Like I would call Todd, like I would call Corinna, like I call any of our friends. I'd be like, come on, stop being a bitch. Come out. We're having people over. And then she— and it wasn't my fault that you guys had some weird fucking argument that I got in the middle of. How the fuck was I supposed to know that you guys are fucking two lunatics? Well, now I know. Now I know.

Yeah, you're the same one.

You're missing—

you're the same one that runs around the fucking house and misses batshit. The other night you call— you call people to go to USC to a frat party that no one wants to go to. And you sit there—

I didn't even want to go.

It's gonna be lit! It's gonna be lit! And you're stomping your feet, you're going, "No, no, no! I want to go to the frat party!" Can I tell you something? What?

That frat party was canceled when I was calling you. It wasn't even a thing.

So then why were you calling us?

Because I fucking like getting— I love that.

So you're the crazy one.

I'm not crazy. I was just fucking interacting with you guys, and it was fun.

Okay, so you're wasting our time, basically. You're basically calling and wasting our time.

Okay, I'm done. I'm done fighting. I'm not done.

I'm not—

I want a new podcast host.

Great.

I said it.

Okay, fine, go ahead.

I said it.

Okay, I'm out.

No, no, Jason, Jason, I'm kidding. I'm leaving.

Okay, take it back.

I'm playing both parts. Oh, I'm David and I'm sexy, and I'm Jason, I'm a fucking pussy. Oh, nice one, David.

That's great. The listeners are gonna love it.

Okay, come back. You're gonna fucking love it. Come back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for fighting with you. I don't want—

God damn it, how much can I fucking do for you? Jesus Christ, can I do—

I said I'm sorry. I fucking have done You go right back into it. You go— stop, silence, no more. We're done arguing. Let's talk about gun control.

I have tried.

Here we go. Here we fucking go.

I've taped myself to the fucking wall.

I have taped you to the wall. You have not taped yourself to the wall.

Okay, fine.

Don't you fucking say for a second that that was you. You know what, David?

And honestly, honestly, when you call me to do something and you're like, hey, come over to the fucking house at 11 PM at night and I'm gonna fucking shoot you with a paintball gun, it's fucking not the best. It's not the best. It's not my favorite thing to do.

Really?

Yeah, it's really not. And I fucking, I promise you, most people would say the same thing, but I do it to fucking help you.

My bad, dude.

But Jesus Christ, if I'm not around for a fucking once in a while.

I'm so sorry, dude. I'm so sorry that you're such a little bitch. Okay, I get it, I get it. You can go hang out with Trisha and forget about me. I get it.

I'm not gonna forget about you.

You know what it is?

What?

You know, this is why you get into arguments.

Oh, me?

Yeah, because you see, I'm being— I'm being— yes, there is a little truth in my humor and my jokes right now, but I'm also just joking around. You're the one that's— yeah, right. You're the one that's—

you're so full of shit. You're just joking around. It's all you say.

Look at this, look at this, look at this. You're so fucking angry.

You're angry.

Literally, I know I'm—

you're just joking, right? You're not joking.

No, I'm making— I'm making jokes with a little truth behind them, but you're over here fucking being Hitler and fucking screaming his fucking declaration of our friendship. Like, you gotta calm down, bro.

Okay, I'll— okay, so I'll— I'll— I'll sit here. You— you be the cool one, and I'll— I'll— I'll go ahead. You go ahead. You do the podcast.

Okay, we're good.

Go ahead.

I'm sorry, guys. If none of you guys are following that, um, basically—

of course you're following it. How could they not follow it?

If you're just showing—

you're an asshole and they fucking get it.

If you're just joining us for this podcast Jason's an asshole. Jason's an asshole. Go ahead. No, okay, so let's start talking about—

Who's this comedian that you got today on your vlog? This 40-year-old comedian? What was that?

It's really funny, huh?

I'm not gonna watch it. I won't even watch it.

I got a comedian to be on my vlog today, and he was about Jason's age, so I thought it was really funny 'cause Jason was out of town.

Where was Josh Peck?

He was doing his thing.

Where was Kevin Hart?

Kevin Hart?

Kevin Hart's not available.

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Weren't you editing your vlog today?

I was doing a lot. I had to shoot my vlog today and I had to edit it. So I got— I shot like more than half of it today. I was driving around and I was on Sunset Boulevard and there's just a bunch of paparazzi standing outside, so like I spun my car around.

What do you make of paparazzi when you see them? Do you think they're like scum of the earth, or you think they're good people making money?

I think they're good people making money, right? What do you mean?

I think—

how would they be the scum of the earth?

I think— I don't think I could make my living that way.

Yeah, but they're needed.

It feels shitty though, and like you—

but it's someone with a baby, and it's what keeps a lot of celebrities alive. I'm sure Yes, they're probably fucking very scummy at times, and they don't respect celebrities, but like, that's what— that's what— those are the pictures that get you in the magazines. That's like— that's what keeps like Angelina Jolie relevant when she's not, you know, it's true, starring in movies. I think— I think they're really important.

But what about when like— like, have you seen those where they like— they try to like bait people? Like, they'll go up to Justin Bieber and be like, come on, man, and they're— they're— they're baiting him, you know? They want him to like throw a punch.

Oh, 100%.

Shit like that. That's not cool.

It's not cool, but you know.

All right, so you're driving around, you saw some paparazzi.

Yeah, so I pulled over, I parked, uh, we all got out to go talk to them, um, and, and there's one guy that recognized me and he was from The Hollywood Fix. And it's funny because our friend Jonah has been DMing him, telling him to come shoot us like for, for his, for his paparazzi reel or whatever. And, uh, Jonah's been DMing him things like, please come on, please come, we're leaving the apartment now, meet us outside. And he hasn't been running, so it was funny that I ran into him. Um, so I got his number, so next time we want to be paparazzi'd, uh, did he shoot you? I can give him a call. Yeah, he shot me.

What did you say?

Uh, I don't know, he just asked me a bunch of random things. Selena Gomez was in the restaurant.

Okay, that's who he was after.

That's, that's who everyone was after. There was like 10, there's like 10 people outside, and she snuck out the back door in like a blacked-out BMW.

Really?

And everyone's like, she's in that car, she's in that car! But like, no one can see her, so no one even took a picture of her because She was inside the car and it was like completely tinted and they were all just like, "Fuck that shit. Fuck that." Like they were so pissed. They were like, "What the fuck is wrong with them?" Because they didn't stop for a picture? Yeah, because she like snuck out the back. I'm like, "Jesus Christ." In like that regard, I'm like, "What the fuck's going on?" What do you get for a picture with Selena Gomez?

How much money would that get you?

I have no idea, but I'm assuming a lot. Yeah.

Can't be that much.

But yeah, but that was like my first like— I think this weekend I'm gonna go and hang out with paparazzi for the entire day.

You are?

I'm very curious to see how that works. And that'd be great footage. Yeah, like just drive around all day. Yeah, and then yeah, and maybe get some celebrities in the vlog for free by stalking them.

That would be fun. I think if you want, I can go out there and, you know, show my face, get the paparazzi in a lather.

Yeah, kind of like milk them all up and get them into one spot.

Yeah, and then you can go in there and do your thing.

Yeah, and then I come in, I talk to them, and that's when I ambush them. Yeah, that could be a good thing.

I'm gonna be hanging out with, um, Brad Pitt and LeBron James.

For what reason? Again, what reason?

I can't talk about it, but we're going down to, uh, Pins bowling alley.

You're going bowling with LeBron James and Brad Pitt?

Yeah, so we'll be down there, and I'll, um, I'll call a guy from Hollywood Fix and I'll let you know right before we walk out.

Really?

You can get the, get the story.

No, I definitely appreciate that. My friend, um, my friend Ilya came. Yeah, um, it was really funny. Uh, my friend Ilya lives in Vernon Hills and my two friends go to college 35 minutes away from there. Yeah, right. So they called me, my two friends that are at the college called me at like 2 PM.

Yeah.

And they FaceTimed me and on my other friend's phone they were FaceTiming Ilya. So I was FaceTiming Ilya through someone's FaceTime and they were like, hey man, can you convince Ilya to come drive down here because we want to hang out with him tonight and he's being a little bitch. We're 30 minutes away. And I'm like, Ilya, well, you know, it is a lot warmer here in LA. And they go, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And, um, and Ilya's like, it is? I'm like, yeah, yeah, it's a lot warmer. And my two friends that are trying to get him to come there are like, holy fuck, he's probably gonna fucking fly there. He's gonna fly there. And then we just hung up on him and we booked flights. And Ilya came over at like— he landed at like midnight that night and he just stayed for like a couple hours. And we FaceTimed them in the morning, and I FaceTimed my friends at the college, and I'm like, did Ilya come? And they're like, no, dude, he fucking pussied out. Apparently it was too cold. And I'm like, oh, that's a bummer, man. Ilya, did you hear this? And he was standing right next to me, and they're like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and they hung up.

Did you film that?

No, you didn't? No, that was just, that was just like a fun joke to—

One of the funniest things I ever saw you do was, uh, when we were hanging out, you're like, come down to Hollywood Boulevard, I want to shoot. And I was like, okay, cool. And then sitting out there and you were in a chair, you know, like a soccer dad chair, and you had a fishing line with a dollar on it.

Oh yeah.

And you were— it was right when I started hanging out with you, and you were throwing the line out with the dollar.

Yeah.

And then people would try to grab the dollar and then you would just reel the dollar in.

Yeah.

And then— and I was like— and you weren't filming it.

Yeah. There's some things that are like— there's some things like that that are really fun to do in person. But there's no point of filming it because it won't be that funny on camera. What are some of your worst habits, someone asked?

I bite my nails.

Yeah.

I spend too much money on my kids.

How is that going? How are your kids?

They're really good. I saw them last weekend.

How's your ex-wife with this new girlfriend? Because you brought that up.

Oh, well, you know, we could talk about that, but it'd probably stir up a bunch of shit. Listen, They, they're, they're, they're both wonderful people, my ex-wife and my girlfriend.

Who do you like more?

And I, I like the— this is a great question, David. What a wonderful question to ask.

There's a fire that's burning.

You know what's really funny about Trisha is she actually listens to the podcast.

Oh, I know.

I'd never— she listens to everything. Yeah, she watches all your videos.

So let me finish. So anything that's said here, there's a house burning down, you can only save Trisha or your ex-wife? Who do you save?

Oh my God, you're just getting me in so much trouble.

No, I'm kidding. I won't have you answer that.

Um, so yeah, so it's, uh, it's been, uh, it's been tense. And, uh, you know, give me, give me like the—

give me like the break. I'm assuming I know why she's pissed. Well, I mean, it's, it's a new girl. It's a new woman. She kind of came abruptly. You have her tattooed on your leg. Can I interview your ex-wife about Trisha?

You know what, David? I love when you get in the middle of my life. Things always turn out so well. When you stick your nose in it.

Imagine that video, huh? Imagine that video.

Well, she fucking— the video with the kids.

Yeah, she'd love that. I know, I heard.

I was— I can't have the kids on social media anymore.

Oh really?

Yeah.

Ah, that was worth it.

Well, at least—

was it?

I don't know.

Did she see the painting I painted of you and Trisha on the wall?

Nope, hasn't seen that yet.

Ah, bummer.

Well, I think so, or maybe she has, I don't know.

Do you believe in aliens?

I I believe in aliens.

Yeah? Why? Were you abducted by a couple?

I'm looking at one right now.

What planet am I from?

Gorgon 7.

This girl came up to me today and just started speaking to me in Slovak, like in my home.

No shit.

Scared the fuck out of me.

Did you understand what she was saying?

Yeah, she said, "Hey David, how are you?" And I was like, "Fuck." Literally, the first thing I said was, "Fuck." Like someone just like pointed a gun at my head.

Did it give you the shivers?

Yeah.

Like it took you back?

Yeah, it made me feel really weird. It took me out of LA. Yeah, and like, I was just like, shit, where the fuck am I? Where am I?

Where am I? You're no longer a hotshot 22-year-old YouTuber. You were, you were like poor Slovakian boy. Yeah, with trying to, trying to assimilate with the culture.

Exactly.

And, and, uh, and, and, and is that— does that— when you think about that, is that bad times for you trying to like assimilate into America? Yeah.

No, I kicked ass at it.

You did? Yeah, I was the fucking best, man.

No, you were? No, I don't believe that. No one's assimilated like me.

There's no struggles along the way?

No, dude. Dude, I was 6 when I moved here. I'm an American, as American as it gets, other than without the citizenship or any rights. But no, I'm pretty American.

Yeah, you're a pretty American guy, I guess.

But why do you believe in aliens?

I think that it would be pretty naive to say that we're the only people.

Did you ever hear this fact? There are more stars in the galaxy in the— sorry, in the universe than there are grains of sand on the Earth.

There are more stars in the sky than grains of sand on the Earth.

Wow, how fucking insane is that?

True.

Yeah, and every star is, you know, this is so— yeah, pass me that blunt. Isn't that ridiculous?

That's pretty cool.

Space is absolutely insane to me. I was talking to Todd the other day.

I'm like, Todd knows a lot about space.

Yeah, Todd's very smart.

NASA Todd, you mean?

Yeah, like when you look up at the sky, yeah, like during the day, everything's covered. Do you know what I mean? Like there's not one portion of the sky where you can look at and it's just— there's nothing like that. Just like a black hole. It's all painted. Do you know what I mean?

Like all blue.

Like it's all blue. Or when it's not blue, the sky— like the sky touches the earth. Yeah, like that's what's so—

why a lot of people think the world's flat.

Yeah, yeah. And I wouldn't—

or, or you— or I used to think when I was a kid, well, why isn't part of it dark? Why isn't— why isn't it night over in some part of out of this guy, but it's not. Wow.

Holy fucking shit.

That's how big the world is.

Yeah.

You know what else fucking bums me out?

Why?

When you go to Subway and people take too long picking out their condiments.

Seriously?

Fucking bums me the fuck out. I get mental.

I go to Subway now because I've been going on runs every day, so I go at 2 in the morning to Subway, and it's a 24/7 Subway, but for some fucking odd reason, every time I come in for the last 3 days, she closes Subway for 30 minutes to do an inventory check, and I run down there.

You run down The plan is run down your hill, grab a sub, run up, eat the sub. That's the plan. Probably what, like 1.5 miles total?

It's 1.6 miles in total.

1.6, okay.

Yeah.

I know that Subway.

And I get down there and she's like, sorry honey, I'm closed for inventory for the next 30 minutes. And it's always for the next 30 minutes. It's like in her head she goes, when that white kid comes in, I'm gonna close for 30 minutes. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with her, but it's—

So what do you do? You just don't eat? Why are you eating a Subway at 2 in the morning?

'Cause I have to eat after my run. Todd said it feeds my muscles. Yeah, I think it's bullshit.

I think there's something to it.

I mean, yeah. Okay, here's another question. I feel like we've hit this before. Would you ever continue to date someone who has cheated?

Sure.

Yeah, you would?

Yeah, if I love the person. Yeah.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

No, no, not necessarily. Really? Yeah, really.

Plenty of people cheat, don't— aren't gonna do it again.

You think?

Yeah.

Okay, now let me, let me go back to you saying, why would you date someone who's cheated on you? How can you trust that person? How on earth can you trust a person that's already broken that trust in such a bad way?

I think if somebody messed up and they're like, oh, I cheated on you, I'd be like, all right, well, don't do it again. And then if they did it again, I'd be like, all right, that's fucking bullshit.

But I'll take you back one more time.

No, I mean, I mean, why, why wouldn't you?

If Liza cheated on you I mean, we've had this, we've had this conversation like 30 times.

Yeah, but okay, fine. But the point is, yeah, I, I think it's fine. I mean, I think I'd give someone another chance. Okay, but you're, you're very staunch on it. I get it.

I am. Okay, you're right. I don't want to have this argument because we've argued enough during this podcast, guys. I know, I know it may seem like Jason and I don't get along, but dude, once we turn this— I love you, David— once we turn this podcast off, Jason and I fucking hit it off. Oh my God, this is work. We get the oils out once this is off, guys. Jason and I, we kick back, watch a movie, eat a tub of ice cream, we put on kimonos.

Yeah, and I get the hibiscus water, we fucking relax, and, um, I turn the, the steam on.

Have you guys ever gotten a back— I mean, of course not. Have you ever gotten a back massage from Jason? His fucking hands.

David, I love you. I love— I don't understand. I'm—

I just wish— here we go.

Trisha and I, dude, we're, we're making videos.

Listen, listen, listen, listen, it's, it's— can I We're busy, we're busy.

I need to branch out. I can't just put all my effort— I would like to talk. I cannot put all my energy into your video.

I know, I'm trying. Let me just say this. Let me just say this. First of all, I know it's great when I'm focused on your video.

It must be wonderful.

First of all, um, I— as— yes, I was, I was kind of being serious, but you took it to such a real place that it scared me. I will stop. Up here you go again. Here you go, here you go.

I'm 21 and Scared?

No, that's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm saying. And it didn't scare me. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, I was kidding. I don't like— I don't mind that you hang out with her all day. I, I'm supposed to give you shit. That's what I'm supposed to do. That's, that's like what—

who said that?

I mean, it's what fucking anybody does. It's, it's when I started hanging out with Liza, that's what my friends did. Like, that's what you're supposed to do.

People gave you shit for hanging out with Liza?

Yeah, because when you— dude, it's fucking— when you get a new girlfriend—

I'm not 21, David. I'm fucking 44 years old.

Okay, well, fucking welcome to my world, dog. You've been living with fucking 21-year- year olds for fucking 2 years now, so get used to it, bro.

Get used to what?

I'm giving you shit because I'm supposed to, not because I'm angry.

I get it, I get it. I know you're not angry.

And you know, and you know, especially me, especially me, I'm the only person in the world that will never have beef with anybody unless it's like they murdered my kids or they fucking killed me, you know? Like, I'm not stubborn. Like, I'll never have a fight with you.

You're not stubborn at all. You're very good like that, so for sure.

Yeah.

So I love you, David.

I want to help. Don't fucking—

I want to help you. That's not what I'm asking. I love you. I love you. I love you, David, I love you.

I hate this podcast.

Everybody listening, stand up right now and say 1, 2, 3, I love you, David. 1, 2, 3, I love you, David.

How do you feel about euthanasia?

I mean, I'm cool, man. I like Chinese people, Japanese people.

The young kids in Asia, man, they're cool too. Euthanasia is where you're feeling like— I think I made that joke in high school and I was like—

Sure you did.

I'm sure I did too. Yeah, I think everyone did, but I think there was like The funniest joke in the world.

Yeah.

I mean, euthanasia is where if you're sick or you look like Jason, you have the opportunity to—

David tried to pull the plug on me once.

You have the opportunity to pull the plug on yourself.

He turned the cable off. I'm still alive.

Would you, if you were ever sick, would you want the option to kill yourself in like a humane way?

Yeah.

With medicine?

Yeah, I'd like to go.

Me too. 100%. I don't even know why this is like a question.

Did you know that—

Why is this up for debate? Why do people still talk about it? If you want to fucking go, then go. Like, it's the same rule as a seat belt. It fucking baffles my mind. Like, do not enforce me wearing a seat belt. Like, if you're a dumbass and you don't want to wear a seat belt, you're fucked. You're screwed.

Yeah, you wear a seat belt for the other people in the car, or, or you could go out of the car and hit— right, right.

Hey, you're okay. I take that back.

You know when you were talking about what the NRA— the, the money that the NRA takes, and you said it's like a small amount of money?

You looked at it? I got—

no, someone tweeted it to me.

Someone tweeted at me too, and they said it was more money.

Yeah, it was like McCain has like— still though, your point is correct because they were like, well, you guys are wrong. They were nice about it.

How much did McCain get?

He's taken $7 million over his career.

That's fucking nuts.

Now hang on a second. $7 million over his career. That is a lot of money. But why doesn't Jeff Bezos just fucking buy off John McCain?

Well, isn't Amazon with the NRA too?

Or some other liberal fucking dude.

No, I know.

I know. Why doesn't Oprah just give John McCain $7 million and make the NRA go away?

Well, okay. I mean, you know, that's easier said than done. Oprah's—

but again, it's to your point. I still don't think $7 million is like that much money. Yeah, no, I guess it is.

And that's also John McCain, you know. Yeah, that's— I'm talking like little fucking senators that get paid like $3,000, $5,000, $10,000. Just—

oh, okay, that was your point. That makes sense.

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm not talking I'm talking— no, John McCain's not taking 2 grand to vote for the NRA. Okay, one more question. Male birth control.

I'm on it.

Wait, what?

No, I don't know.

No, I don't even think it's—

I don't even know what it is.

It should— male— should there be something called male birth control?

Yeah, that would be great.

I think that's like, that's like the smartest thing, right?

Yeah, I mean, you know, Trisha and I, we might be pregnant right now, so— Really? No, I'm just kidding. I just love fucking getting you all worked up.

You guys use protection?

What did I say to you? I said, I said if we do get, if we do get a baby, I'm gonna let you have the exclusive.

Would you really?

Of course I would.

You promise? If you and Trisha get pregnant?

If we get pregnant, I will let you have the exclusive.

I'm gonna let you hang out with her a lot more then.

All right, well, thank you.

Just to knock her up on purpose. You let me film? Are you serious? You'd do that for me, bro?

I mean, she's probably gonna want it for her channel, but I'm, I'm gonna get you in there, bro. I'll get you in the delivery room or something.

I don't want to be in the delivery room. I just want to be there for the announcement.

All right. I got your back on that one. That one.

What would you name your kid if you had a kid?

Scott.

Scott?

Yeah.

Would you name him David?

Glass. Mr. Glass, man.

Would you name him after me?

Uh, would I name my kid after you?

Yeah.

I like the name David. I don't know if I'd name him after you, but yeah, I like the name David a lot.

Yeah.

David Nash. David Nash doesn't sound that good. It sounds okay.

Well, how do you feel about homeschooling?

Um, what a segue. Um, I've— I know a lot of people get homeschooled and it sounds like they just fucked off the whole time.

Oh, this is the question I've been trying— I've been looking for in my notes. That's why I've been asking all these bullshit questions. Should you be able to watch porn while in a relationship? I know, I 100% know your answer for it.

The other person's okay with it? Yeah.

Oh wow, that's actually a lot more— that's a lot more open than I thought you were gonna be.

Sure, if the other person's okay with it.

Really? I thought you were just gonna be like, fuck yeah, who gives a fuck?

I mean, if I guess when I was married, my ex-wife knew I watched porn. She was okay with it. If she wasn't okay with it, then I'd be like—

How does she know you watch porn?

I just told her. I had it on all the time.

It's hard to hide it when you're playing it on the living room TV.

It's just coming out of my phone at all times. It's coming out of my pocket.

You ever— It's midday. It's 3 PM on a Sunday. You're watching it on the living room.

I had a buddy of mine, he fucking— You know you can bump stuff from your phone to your TV with Apple TV? Oh, cool. It was like a big party, like kids' party once, and he He was like trying to put something on his phone.

It's just fucking porn.

Yeah, porn right up on the TV. Everyone saw it.

Fucking clowns having sex?

Yeah.

Wait, what happened?

Just the entire party was like, okay. It was just, you know, some girl getting, getting boned. Fucking great. Yeah, it was a good time. That was when I was married. When I was— I was telling Trisha all these stories about when I was married and what it was like.

She was like, does she like those stories?

Yes, she loves, she loves hearing about like, you know, my past when I was like married and what that was like.

And yeah, is she jealous of your ex-wife at all?

Yeah, I think so.

Really?

Yeah.

Are you gonna have kids with Trisha?

I don't know. I'm not sure.

If it happens, it happens.

Yeah, I don't know.

If you were to have kids with Trisha, would it—

She wants to move in now and I'm like, it's— we've been dating 4 weeks. I go, I go, she goes, she goes, well, we should just if we just moved in together, then I would feel— I would feel, you know, I wouldn't be so clingy. Which is a good point. I, I understand that point.

You guys are also on fucking acid. I said, what? You're 4 weeks in a fucking normal relationship? Like, you've been dating for 4 weeks, but it's really been like fucking 2 years.

I guess so. You mean because we, we've gone so many places and stuff and we spent so much time together? Yeah, it's a lot.

Yeah, it's fucking crazy.

Yeah. And I said, I said, we've been dating 3 weeks. And she goes, no, 4 weeks. And I was like, well, That's—

when did you guys start dating?

I don't know, like 4 weeks ago.

You don't remember the day? No, you don't. So you're not going to celebrate your anniversary? You're not going to know how? She probably remembers it on the back of her hand. I can't wait till she listens to this and brings it up tomorrow.

Yeah, I, I, I'd have to go look at the day.

Oh, so you wrote it down?

No, no, I'd have to just count.

No, she got it, she got it tattooed on her body. I just have to check up on her tattoo. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Sorry it got so repeated at the beginning. Jason's a pussy bitch. And, um, we'll see you guys, we'll see you guys around. I don't know about that. Make sure to, uh, buy our merch, guys. Tweet us more topics. I really like it. I like longer topics. If you have like— if you have anything that's going on in your life that you need help with, let us know. We'll help you out. Maybe we won't help you out. Make sure you guys like and subscribe. Tweet me @daviddobrik. My name has been Jeff. That's been Jason Nash, @JasonNash. We'll see you guys later. This has been Views.