Finding David's Dream Girl

What's up guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where we make fun of Jason's kids. But today we do it from overseas because we are in Europe. Charlie and Wyatt, bonjour, stupid fucks. No, I'm just kidding. Uh, let's just roll intro music. I was on TikTok today and there was a joke in the TikTok. And then someone commented basically not understanding the joke, right? Like they commented like saying the obvious, like that was a joke. And then someone responded to that comment saying whoosh. And I, and I, and I looked at that and I was like, I know what this whoosh means, but I know fucking dumb Jason wouldn't.

I don't.

Matt, do you know what whoosh means?

Like gotcha? Like you got it?

Whoosh. Like how dumb are you?

No, like, like, whoosh, like it went over your head.

Oh yeah, I get it.

Yeah, because I explained it. But it's so funny, I saw that.

I would have fucking got it if I read it. I would have, I would have.

It was, it was early in the morning because I was watching really early and I wanted to call you and wake you up to come to your room just to see if you got it because I was so— I was like, no way he's gonna get this because he just— there's something about you that you just like misread things.

Oh really?

So earlier we were fighting about who was stupider, right? Me or you? Yeah, and you left the room, and the second you left the room, the door knocked. Yeah, and I screamed, you gotta be fucking kidding me, you dumb piece of shit! Because I thought— because I thought— I thought you left something in the room.

No way!

Yeah, and like, like, as I was— because I thought there was maybe a chance it wasn't you. Yeah, so I finished the word shit before I pulled the door open. But yeah, I opened it and it was two women waiting to clean my room. I felt so bad, but they literally came a second after you left. Do you remember seeing them when you left?

Oh, I had a full conversation with them.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, they were like, "Do you like the room cleaned?" And I was like, "I don't know." And I was knocking and then you never came to the door and I was like, "Well, he'll answer eventually, just ring the bell." Oh, so that was you knocking?

'Cause they knocked and then they rang the bell and I was in bed. And I was actually angry because that's like one of my pet peeves when someone leaves my hotel. Sure. Like I get in bed and they knock because they forgot like something in the room.

Yeah.

Oh man. Yeah. I owe a big apology to those ladies.

Uh, yeah, to me.

So how's the rest of Europe?

Oh man, it's been amazing.

Would you move here? Jason and I keep going back and forth of whether or not we would move here. Jason was saying if he didn't have kids, he'd move here.

Sure.

I'm saying he already neglects them so much, him moving here would probably only make him closer to his kids because now you'd like have to zoom in at least once a day.

Get back on— how do you get to there? How— if you're ignoring your kids, how does it make you closer?

Because now when you— because now when you do see them, you'll actually give them attention rather than try to use them just for YouTube videos. So now maybe you'll put the camera down and spend some time with them.

This is gross misinformation, sir. My kids won't be in my YouTube videos.

That's my favorite part about like the stories you tell me. I don't know, you said something the other day how like you tried filming Charlie Yeah, she just doesn't let you.

She don't like it. No, that's this. That's been going on for a couple years.

Yeah, that's really funny.

She straight up is just like, no.

Does Wyatt like it?

No, but he's— he'll do it because he's more like, he knows how desperate I am, right? So he'll do it for me. Charlie's straight up no, but Wyatt doesn't like it.

That's so funny. Why don't they like it? Because they don't— because they're embarrassed.

Yeah, they're embarrassed. They're totally embarrassed.

But why are they embarrassed? Because kids in school were like, we saw your fucking loser dad, or, or is it just this— like, it's just kind of naturally embarrassing to be on camera.

I think it's— yeah, it's just naturally embarrassing to be on camera. I think that's it. I don't think it's my videos or anything. They just don't want to like be out there like that, and I don't blame them. They're right. Like, when I put them in the videos before, when we started, like, I was like— I thought it was really fun, but now I see how awful the internet is, so now I'm kind of glad.

Did you see that woman who, um, she, she's a YouTuber? She put in the raw video of her Like it was her, like kid was crying.

Oh yeah, I did see that.

Yeah, and she put the raw video of her and it just reminded me of you.

Why?

I don't know.

Wasn't she prompting the kid to cry?

The kid was already crying and she was trying to get the kid to pose.

To pose for the thumbnail?

To pose for the thumbnail, yeah. Which is like, it's a lot. I mean, whatever. I don't wanna, I'm not here to judge anybody, but I hope when I have kids and I'm still a vlogger, I have twins. So I can say I only have one kid and I could swap 'em in and out.

The Olsen twins. Exactly, the Olsen twins.

So like, you know, one kid will probably be, you know, like when they film like movies like Air Bud, they have like 5 different dogs. Josh Peck was telling me, 'cause he just worked on Turner and Hooch.

They have like a couple. He said they have like 3 or 4. And each dog, like one dog is good at sitting, one dog is good at fetching, one dog is good at like barking. Oh wow. And they all look alike, right? Like that's kind of like how it works on sets. Like, that's what I'm gonna have triplets, and one's gonna be my thumbnail son, that's gonna be my, my fun outgoing son, and the other one's gonna be my emotional son.

You would never do that. No, I'm fucking— you'd never put your kids in the videos.

No, no, no, I'm telling you, once I have kids, it's fucking over. Once I have kids, there's— unless like, well, I'm still gonna film because I fucking love filming, right? But like, I'm not actually gonna care about work anymore. Like, you're gonna post— like, I already tell you, like, once I have a girlfriend, right, you're gonna lose me. Like, probably. You'll probably still have the podcast because I'll have a lot to talk about because I'll never see you, right? I'll literally see you once a week and I'll be like, you won't believe what Janine and I did this week. Um, but no, but once I have a family, you know, there's no way. I'm definitely not gonna film. I'm like, I'm so excited to have kids.

You are?

So yeah, because I'm just excited to like, to like live for somebody else, right? Like, I think that's the coolest thing is like every time I hear people talk about kids and I could— and I totally see how it's how how it works. It's like once you have a kid, like, it's not— no, it's no longer about you, right? It's just about your kids.

Yeah.

And like, I'm super ready for that.

Really?

Yeah.

I feel like I've given myself a lot of attention.

Really? Yeah. Oh, that's so wild to hear you say that.

Really?

I feel like I'm always like—

I would think that you, you know, weren't done with, you know, being you.

But that's why, that's why I always say like, I want a girlfriend too. Like, I want to like—

I just want to focus on something else.

Yeah.

I don't know. I get that.

But that could be fun. Hey, but whatever. I gotta stop talking about it. That's my problem.

Why?

Well, because—

because I'm glad to hear you say that, because it is great once you—

no, because here's— I moved to LA with my goal to find a girlfriend. I was like, I'm gonna get a girlfriend, my girlfriend, I'm so excited. And then nothing was happening, so I stopped thinking about it. Like, actually deadass stopped thinking about it for like 2 months. And that happened.

And it happened.

Oh yeah, then you got it. I found a girlfriend.

And that's what they always work like, that I don't know.

Don't they always say that, like, when you're looking for it, you're not— you're going to find it when you least expect it?

Well, it's like when I went outside to have a cigarette today, so I knew that the meal would come, and then I came back in and the meal was there.

Oh yeah, we were at a restaurant and we were waiting for a long time.

I picked up smoking here, by the way.

Huh?

I picked up smoking here, by the way.

We've all picked up smoking here.

Not bad. I won't do it when I get back.

I definitely won't do it when I'm back.

Me neither.

Dude, the cigarettes here are fucking crazy. And I say this because in LA, it's just, you have the logo of the cigarette on the box. But here in Europe, it's the cigarette, you barely see the brand name.

Oh my God, yes.

It's the first time I saw it, my mind was blown. You don't see the actual brand name 'cause it's covered with a picture of someone who suffered from a problem or a defect because of smoking.

It's a kid on like life support.

Yeah, so they'll literally show a picture of like, a woman with a hole in her neck. One of the pictures is a casket, like a dead person inside a casket. Like they don't even have names of the cigarette on it. It's covered in propaganda to get you to stop smoking because it's so fucking popular in Europe that like, and people still literally, and on the boxes of every cigarette, it says, this will kill you. It literally says that in big bold letters.

One of the pictures is a picture of David talking to a woman, torturing her because he's talking about the Marvel Universe, and she's just suffering.

Why you gotta put the fucking— why you gotta do that? Why you gotta always put Marvel down?

I think Marvel's great. Yeah, it's just when you talk about it.

I watched, uh, Shang-Chi the other day.

I saw it too.

Yeah, I know, but I don't count you.

I was there with you.

You got up before the end credits scene, bro. You're literally thick as shit, dude. You can't sit.

I can't sit for 2 and a half hours. I had to get up.

Anyway, I highly recommend it. I am—

it was great.

I love Marvel because all the movies are so different. So it's just like, they're all heroes, but like, they all have like a different taste to them. Like, this one was, you know, there was more like Asian culture in it, and there was like a lot of great martial arts. Yeah, fucking—

which you don't get in the other ones.

Was it martial arts? What's the proper—

martial arts? Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, like, you know, karate, jiu-jitsu, whatever it is. Oh, they all fall under fucking awesome fight scenes. I mean, do you ever watch like Jackie Chan movies? They're really good.

No. Well, oh, well, yeah, Rush Hour.

Rush Hour is great.

Yeah, the 3 Rush Hour. You know, I did taekwondo.

Did you really?

Yeah, I told you. Time for taekwondo. Yeah, you never listen to me.

I think I remember you said that, but didn't you do it for like a week though?

No.

Oh, you did it a lot. How old were you when you did taekwondo?

Well, I did it twice. I did it once till— I don't know, combined I did it for 6 years.

Oh, you did it for 6 years?

Because I moved. And it got really bad when I would kick things and when I would punch things, I got really in my head and I started thinking about my veins and my muscles connecting with what I was kicking. It was really weird. I think I've talked about this before. I've talked about how when you move your hand, your entire vein is moving with it and it's so gross. And I started thinking about how disgusting it is that my veins are kicking something and the veins are so slimy and gross and thin And it just got in my head and I couldn't do it anymore. Couldn't kick. I got super in my head. And then thankfully one day, Illy and I, there was like this lake that's right by my house and it's a really disgusting lake. And my friends dared us to swim across it. And I swam across it with him. Like no one ever swims in this lake. It's just so fucking gross. And the next day I woke up with like a brutal infection on my foot and I went to Taekwondo and I showed my instructor. He's like, uh-uh. No, no, no, no, no, no, you can't, you can't, you can't. Not the leg.

Can't kick like this.

Not even can't kick, I don't think he, it looked like it was like ringworm. Like it looked, it was like, I mean ringworm doesn't even look that bad sometimes. It looked really bad.

What was in the lake?

I have no idea. It could have been that or like a couple spider bites. It was really bad and thankfully he sent me home and it never came back. And that was the last time I did taekwondo.

When you would do taekwondo, would you hit people or was the object to get as close to hitting them Like, did you connect with people's faces and stuff?

No, bro, we were kicking like fucking mats and shit.

Oh, you weren't kicking each other? You didn't wear headgear?

We did at one point. That's— that was the first time I went to the emergency room.

Someone kicked you?

Yeah, I got stitches in my mouth. I got 5 stitches in my mouth.

Who kicked you?

Um, this fucking douche. No, I'm just kidding. We were like 12.

Did it hurt? Yeah, it did. So you've been punched in the face before?

No, kicked.

Oh, like—

but I have been punched. Remember I got punched by that girl? We were vlogging and she was on meth. Oh yeah, and then the police came for her and then she punched the police and she punched the paramedics as they tried to tie her down. It's fucking crazy. She punched me because, because we were filming and she made a really loud sound behind us, like talking to somebody else. She wasn't actually with anybody because she was— I'm not even kidding, she was on meth. So she was like bouncing back and forth from people at this party and I turned around and my flashlight kind of got a glimpse of her face.

Yeah.

And the flash really, I guess, scared her.

Yeah.

Maybe when you're on meth, flash is extra scary.

Yeah.

She just came over and she fucking socked me right in the mouth.

Did it hurt?

Um, it didn't hurt as much as it was like, whoa, I can't believe that fucking happened. Scary. Yeah, it's like a weird feeling. It's like you think you like lost your teeth.

Vlogging's wild, huh? Yeah, it really is.

It's one hell of a drug.

You never know what'll happen. You know what else is wild?

What?

Meth.

In World War II, everybody was on, uh, meth.

You know, like an amphetamine, right?

Yeah, like everybody— what do you know that I'm saying? Like I know it for a fact. That's what I hear. I actually—

yeah, I hear they give it to— I've given it to soldiers.

How much can we actually believe in history books? Do you know what I mean? Have you ever thought about that, right? Like, think about how much shit is on the internet, right? Aren't history books just the fucking internet? Obviously in America we have— we have World War II history books. Yeah, that are written from our side. Right, but like, what the fuck?

Like, I asked somebody that— I asked my— I went on this date when I was in Germany— I mean, when I was in France, and this girl was German, and I asked her that. I was like, so how did you guys like deal with Hitler, you know, in school and stuff like that? And she was like, well, it was, um, it was a real blemish on our history. And, you know, it's crazy. She turned it on me. She was like, but you know, your country has that too. And I was like, yeah, definitely. Like, we have slavery, right? Terrible too.

That's crazy, especially being here in Vienna. There's a lot of history that has to do with Hitler. According to them, Hitler was from the US. Like, no one wants to claim him. Ooh, I have a question for you.

What?

It's kind of controversial. Okay. If Hitler came back and he was here for one day, would you have dinner with him?

Just to see what he was like? Yeah.

If Hitler would come back for a day, would you, would you have dinner with him?

Yeah.

You would?

Fuck yeah.

But keep in mind, let's say you go to like Saddle Ranch, right? I don't know what the place is. But keep in mind Hollywood Fix will be outside and they'll be like, yo Jason.

Oh, I didn't know it was like that.

No, this isn't like a private dinner. Everyone will know that you're the guy that—

Everyone will know that I'm the guy that had dinner with Hitler?

Yeah.

Hmm, that's interesting. I don't know, let me think. I mean, on the one hand, I'm just so curious.

I mean, of course. I honestly don't think that you'd get that much shit for it, right? 'Cause I think people would be like, more curious, like, I'm here for a day. You're doing it, you're not doing it 'cause you love the guy, you're doing it 'cause you're just like, why the fuck is he wired like this?

No, yeah, but you know what, honestly.

But then the people will be like, why are you even giving him the attention? But then it's like, somebody else would go to dinner with him.

Yeah, I'm trying not to be too concerned what people say anymore. I don't wanna live my life like that.

You don't have to make this so deep, this is a made-up scenario, Hitler's not coming back.

You're the one that fucking said Hollywood Fix is gonna be outside.

'Cause I wanted to make it as realistic possible, but you didn't have to be like, You know what? I'm trying to live my life without any regrets.

You think that's realistic? Adding Hollywood Fix to the fucking made-up story?

You think if Hitler was at Saddle Ranch with you, Hollywood Fix wouldn't be outside?

You think I'm taking Hitler to fucking Saddle Ranch?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I mean, obviously I'm gonna go somewhere low-key.

Oh, you're gonna treat him to a really fancy dinner?

Yeah, yeah, we're gonna go somewhere nice, you know, like a 3-star.

You think he deserves it?

Huh?

You're lucky.

No, I don't think he deserves it, but I want to get the most out of the dinner and find out, make him most comfortable so I can find out how his mind works.

You're lucky you're Jewish. You wouldn't be getting away with this if you weren't.

I love being Jewish. Being Jewish is so fun.

What makes it better than being anything else?

Do you know what it is? It's like, there's some annoying things about it, but if you need something and you're Jewish, it's like a little club. It's really nice.

Huh, interesting.

It's really nice. Like, like when I used to go to the temple and stuff, people would like help you out with shit.

Like what?

Because you were Jewish.

What do you mean?

Like, like you'd be in there and you'd be like, oh God, my sciatica. And then someone would be like "Okay, I know the best doctor in the city, like call him, here's the number." And then all of a sudden you're talking to like the best doctor for sciatica in the city. Stuff like that. It's fucking great.

But isn't that everybody?

I guess. Maybe at a church that works that way. That's fair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, do you get good hookups at your church?

I'm starting to feel like maybe I kind of get what you're saying with the Jewish people.

It probably works the same if you're like Italian. And you live in like Brooklyn and they're like—

Oh, I mean, totally.

So-and-so can hook you up with salami or whatever.

But I'm trying to think of like being Catholic and going to church. I don't think it was like that.

Or it was just like, they're just kind of forced to help you out, which is awesome. And they just want to. They either feel guilty or obliged.

What if you're not Jewish? Would the Jewish people still help you out or not as much?

Yeah, if you're bringing something to the table, you know.

Like what, like bread?

Well, like, you know, if you're like an interesting person or if you're like, they wanna help you. I know the Jews are really, they're really well connected, at least the ones that I've known.

If we had a time machine and you could change one historical event—

I mean, they run Hollywood, David.

No, I know, I understand. That's why I'm trying to change the topic before we offend them. If you could be there for one historical moment, which moment would it be? Like, if you could go back in time?

Zane's 300th video.

Yeah, that was lit.

Um, let's see, I would love to like be there on like D-Day, see that. That'd be cool.

What?

Yeah, that's literally like the worst place to go.

Really?

D-Day, like when they stormed the beach in Normandy.

Yeah.

What are you talking— have you seen any movie? They get slaughtered. Like, it's terrifying.

Wait, I thought the US— I thought the Allies won that.

Yeah, but I think they did too, but I don't think they win it by like walking up like a beautiful path. Like, it was fucking hell. There's no way you could go and witness that. That's the one event where like, like every other event, like The Hindenburg or like, or like something like exploding. You could kind of watch from afar, but you have to be on the beach to witness this one.

Yeah, you got to be there.

No, bro, that's a fucking shit show. That's where you go.

The moon landing.

You go. That's better. Fucking D-Day.

Bad answer. Hey guys, this next part of the podcast was recorded back in LA with David and his hometown friends. Enjoy.

Guys, I'm here with Natalie, Ilya, John, and Jason. They all did blow before this, so if they're all over the place. John's my hometown friend. John, how long have we known each other?

15?

Oh shit, wow, that's actually crazy.

What?

Yeah, we've known each other for like 15 years. 15 years. What's remarkable about John is he went to high school with me. Um, we were in the same grade, but he's 4 years older than me, 'cause, 'cause the way it works. I mean, you can explain this better than anybody.

How old are you currently?

I am 26.

I'm 24.

Isn't that fucking crazy? All right, all right. And what happened?

I was held back when I moved over here, all right?

I was already advanced, and then he says, he says that What do you mean you were already advanced?

What? You were so advanced they were like, yo, slow this guy down.

Yes.

What do you mean?

When I moved, I was in like second or whatever grade.

Yeah.

And then when I moved here, I moved at that weird time where like, oh, we can't put you in the next grade, so we'll just hold you back.

Yeah, you always used to tell us that your mom put you in the wrong grade.

No, that's not my mom.

Was that just a way to make it easier for us?

Bro, do you think she knows? Hey. What grade is your son that I have not seen for 5 years? I don't know.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Do you have a language barrier? It wasn't a language barrier.

I did not understand a single word you just said.

We'll translate underneath for John.

Yeah, because I agree that's making no sense.

Let me explain this. John did a lot of things backwards. He obviously is in the wrong grade. He got circumcised when he was like 19. Wait, I want to talk about this because 'cause this is one of my favorite memories ever, I think, with all of you, including with Jon. There was one night we were all sitting around and we got these chocolate mushrooms. Everybody was really terrified to take 'em. Like, nobody wanted to take 'em. Ilia hated the idea. And I think Jason, you took the lead and you were just like, fuck this.

[Speaker] They came in a really nice package, first of all. And back in my day, you'd have mushrooms in like a bag and you'd have to sit and chew 'em and they were like super gross. So this looked like really refined, you know? So I was like, oh, how bad can it be?

Before I even get into you doing shrooms, earlier that day we went on a hike and you had the fucking worst time.

Yeah, so all of us went to Runyon and then it was Ilya's idea. I just wanted to take the short— long rampway on the side. The first hump, I was like, I'm not gonna make it. And then the second hump came in, I'm like, I'm definitely not gonna make it. And then after the third hump, Ilya was just like— Ilya was with me, all right? He stuck with me like the entire time. He was like, kept telling me like, oh, you got this, you got this, like one more hump, one more hump. And then, bro, after the fourth one, like, this doesn't sound like a hike.

Ilya was with you asking for one more hump?

Yeah, cuz like Alex and Mike, they were like, Alex has a fucking broken hip and he was like up the hill. Mike is fat as fuck, he's still up the hill. I was struggling. Like, Jason, I had no idea. I thought there was something wrong with me.

And then you passed out. Remember, remember you passed out on the hill when I was humping you?

Didn't he puke, dude?

No, I was close to— I was so close to puking, but I didn't puke. No, he did.

No, he didn't puke. He passed out.

He was literally slowly passing out.

Yeah, I was literally like, bro, my heart was like out my chest, like feeling like— so it was terrible.

So even then, your morning started off horribly, and then at night you're tripping on shrooms. And I remember, I, I remember I was, I was driving that day, so I wasn't, I wasn't doing any, anything that they were doing, and John, like 45 minutes into his trip, starts fucking panicking. Like the worst trip I've ever seen. And he's like, everyone's like, I, cause I remember cause I was like kind of sitting outside of the circle and they're all sitting around and there's like having such a good time. Like just like watching a music video and John's in the fucking corner and he's, he has a water bottle in his hand and he's like rocking back and forth like in the dark and he's having like the worst trip.

It was just a lot of people and I just kept looking at Jason and he was having a good time. I wanted to match his level.

I felt so bad.

I wanted so hard.

I was having so hard. I was having the best time and you walked up to me and you were like, I just see darkness. I was like, I'm so sorry, are you okay?

Everybody went out to the bonfire like pit at that old house, I remember. And I was in the mass in your bedroom with, with John and we were walking and the whole house was dark because we didn't want lights to be too bright or whatever. And I remember we were walking from the hallway and John was clinging on to me like this for dear life.

Yes.

And I was like, it's gonna be okay.

Like, I felt the safest to like Natalie for some reason. I was scared of Tay the most.

Oh yeah. Whoa, why Taylor?

I have no clue because she would always be like trying to like, like, John, do you need anything?

And she's fucking up here.

Why?

Like, and I told her like, Tay, don't stand behind me.

I just want to give you some water. It was bad.

And then it got so bad where I was like, John, let's fucking go. Like, I'm going to drive you, get you out of here. Let's get you to some like beautiful lights. So I was like, so I was like, come to my car, we're going to go drive down to Sunset, we're going to look at lights. You'll love it, you'll have fun. So we got in the car and fucking Dumb and Dumber, Illya and Jason come running out, bro.

They just had their flip-flops on. They're like, where are you going? Like, literally, this—

like a scene out of Wolf of Wall Street, like when he's on Quaaludes and he's like stumbling out of his Lamborghini. And I'm like, Ilya, Jason, go, go! This is—

you guys are too loud for John.

I'm gonna go.

Why do we get in the car? Because we, we didn't want to be left alone. Oh yeah, there was so many people in the house. We thought there was going to be like some crazy David. I mean, to be, to be honest, I, in my mind, I was like, oh, it's gonna be some cool David adventure. Like, when you go out, it's always fun.

You always find good We got in the car and I was like, dude, you guys, you guys, okay, just fucking shut up. And they did. They hop back, they hopped in the backseat and we got down to the bottom of my hill and I wrote in my phone and I sent it back to Ilya and I said, this car ride is for John, not for you. Shut the fuck up. And then, and then I think Ilya like read it out loud or something.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I wrote back in the notes.

I said, you are a pussy. And then he threw us out. He threw us out.

I pulled over at the gas station. I said, get the fuck out.

Fuck out.

And I didn't think John was gonna agree with me at the time, but he was so fucked up where he was like, Ilya, Jason, leave, leave now. And then what did I do? Like, I took John to Sunset Boulevard. He's fucking tripping balls, like having the worst trip of his life. I feel so bad. I'm like, I can't believe we're here. And we get to Saddle Ranch, we're, we're, I get him cotton candy and we're just parked. And under where you can park, they have these string lights all around the, the parking structure. So like, you, we're sitting in my Tesla And he's just looking at the lights. I'm playing calm music. I have the fireplace on, on the, in the Tesla. And it's like really vibey. We're having a good time. I'm calming him down. Like you're at this point, how are you?

I was, I was getting calmer. I was definitely calmer cuz it was just like, I remember before going in that car, like my eyes, every time I look at him, my eyes were like, holy fuck. They were like black. Like everyone's eyes were black. Like I can't stress enough, everyone's eyes were black. Blue, black, yellow, black.

It doesn't, doesn't matter. They were all black.

And I finally got him to calm down. So I was like, let's drive back. And on our drive back, we're going through Hollywood Boulevard and we hit traffic. Like, fucking the worst traffic I've ever seen on Hollywood Boulevard. We're parked right outside the Chinese Theatre. So I'm like, this isn't the worst place to be stuck. Because the lights are beautiful, John can look around, he still has a bunch of cotton candy left, everything's okay. So I go and sit on the hood of my car like I'm in Perks of Being a Wallflower because the traffic's so bad. So I'm like, I'm just gonna sit on the hood of my car and show John that the vibes are fun. And all of a sudden a fucking police helicopter starts circling like Hollywood Boulevard, just right above us and shining the light like at our car and his car. John's looking at me like with the popcorn, he's like, yo, yo, what's going on?

And like he's slowly falling back into it.

I'm like, dude, it's chill. They're probably filming something or something's going on, whatever.

Yeah.

And, and then the girl in front of me, um, she's like sitting in a Camaro. She hops out of the car and she goes, oh my God, David, hi! And she like freaks out and says hi, and I'm like, what's going on? And then she like snaps out of being excited to see me like this, like goes from being excited to being like really scared, and she goes, oh, and she tells me what's going on, like super panicked, and I sit back into the car. I go back into the car after she tells me what's going on, and Jon's like, what's going on? And I'm like, nothing, everything's fine. And I'm sitting in the car with him, and now, Police cars are circling the area, like on Hollywood Boulevard, and they're putting caution tape over the area where we're parked with our car. And John's like, what's going on?

Seriously, what's going on?

And I'm like, I'm gonna tell you, but you can't freak out. Promise not to freak out. He goes, yeah, yeah, I promise. And I go, okay, that girl just told me that her cousin just got shot in the head, like 10 feet away from us. And he starts Fucking flipping shit.

Well, cuz he was confused and it was getting really serious.

And then the helicopter starts shining its light right on the fucking car in front of us, right in the car. And then that's the girl that came up to me, and then she fucking peels off, like hops the curb and goes down the alleyway, like over the curb and goes like through an alleyway right by the Chinese Theatre. And she was fucking gone. Now we're sitting in the car, we're freaking out.

There's two cars that look like a Camaro, they're like Challengers.

So they're like muscle cars and they're right in front of where the girl was. And then all of a sudden, fucking cops are coming up to both of these cars with their guns drawn right in front of us. It's my car and two cars in front of us and cops are coming up to the car like this on the side of the car and with their guns drawn and they're pointing it at the car and they're like, get out of the car, get out of the fucking car. And John starts fucking freaking out. John's like, I mean, I have video. I mean, he starts— I've never seen him freak out and I'm just like, no fucking way this is happening.

Happening.

Like, it's like we're in the middle of this shit, you know. John, what's going through your mind at this point?

It was kind of bright there still, but then like when the, when the cops came in, like they appeared out of fucking nowhere, man. They were like—

it was like a video game, like they spawned in.

How they draw like the weapons, like they were kind of like pointed at me and Dave too at the same time.

Like, they weren't, but the way John probably saw it, they were pointing.

And I remember, I remember, uh, the cops the cops, after putting him in cuffs, they took them out of the cuffs and they put them back in the car and then they let us go. Um, and I remember they had to lift the crime scene tape to let our car through because we were in the crime scene and they have to lift two different areas of it because we were in the crime scene and then there's another tape that like protected the crime scene and we were right in the middle.

So we had to drive on their two different crime scenes.

And I remember we pulled up right next to the guy that got arrested and he goes and he looks at us and it's like, still out of a movie. He goes, yo man, thank God they didn't fucking arrest me.

Look at all this coke I have on me.

And I'm like, to the guy, I'm like, yeah, I love coke. Like, I'm just in the mood.

And he's like, fuck yeah, bro, stay out of my livestream. And I'm like, fuck, this dude's livestreaming.

Oh my God. And John's like, at this point, John's like, what the fuck is going on? And then we drive home, and it was just a fucking crazy, crazy trip.

I remember when you guys came home and you were like, you were like, I have the craziest fucking thing that happened to us. And we were all like sitting around the bonfire or whatever. And Ilya like was laughing so hard that he had felt— he fell back in his chair and it was really funny to us. Like we thought it was the fucking greatest thing ever. And you came back and you're like, dude, the craziest fucking happened.

And we were like, no, no, no.

Like the craziest thing happened to us. And it was just like, your story is not comparable.

John's a fucking suspect. Did you just ask me what I look for in a woman?

Yeah, what do you look for in a woman?

No, I know you didn't ask, but I've made a better decision on what it is.

So I thought we weren't going to talk about this. I just hope it came.

No, no. Yeah, but this is my last thing I'm going to talk about.

Okay.

What I look for in a woman. I'm David, and obviously sense of humor is important, but what's right along The lines with sense of humor, that's important. Self-awareness is very important.

Love it.

And, and I think, and what I mean by that is like, the girls need to be the funniest girl in the world, but like, I find it so fucking attractive when a girl is like hanging out with your friends and she says a joke and the joke doesn't land.

Sure.

But she can realize that it doesn't land and backpedal her way out of that joke. I think that's so fucking hot. Right. Obviously it's hotter if the joke is landing, cause that's like so cool. But like, but like, When the joke doesn't land, to be so self-aware that you know that the joke didn't work and then to like say something on top of it where you kind of wiggle yourself out of it and it's not awkward. I think that's so fucking cool. That's like, that's like top tier people skills. And like, if you can do that, like the hardest part for me is like when like somebody brings over a girl, like Zane or whatever, seeing a girl and like they say a joke or something and like it just bombs. And like, I'm always, I am always the guy.

That's always Jason, always.

I swear on my life. I'm always the guy that's always laughing and like always making sure like if someone brings a date over, they are not like—

Yeah, being ostracized.

It's not awkward.

No, it's really hard to bring somebody into this group.

Yeah, dude.

I would never do it.

Did you remember that? Did I tell you the one time I had a girl over and all our friends were there and they were playing— dude, I was so angry with our friends.

What'd they do?

They were playing Whiplash, Quiplash, whatever that is, that game on the phone.

Yeah. And, um, was it all inside jokes, dude?

It was worse. I walked in and I wasn't like hooking up with this girl or anything. She was just like my friend from my hometown who like I thought was really cute and like I wanted to show her a good time. Like, you know, it was her first time visiting, whatever. Um, but I was definitely like into her. Um, and she came No, she came over. Yeah, and it was like 10 o'clock at night and we walk into the living room. Yeah, and all my friends turn and look cuz they're playing Whiplash.

Your house, by the way.

Yeah, my house.

Yeah, your—

my house.

Your house. Yeah, I'm not bringing her to a random place.

No, no. And they look at her and they get really awkward.

Really?

Like not welcoming, not like come hang out, come blah blah blah. It's— this was so unlike My friends, I was shocked that this happened. And then yes. And then they started playing Quiplash.

Give me some names.

And it was all, no, I don't want to give you names. And it was all inside jokes.

Like all inside jokes.

I don't even get the inside jokes.

And like inside jokes that were like, they weren't even like loud inside jokes. They were like some jokes where like one person would turn to the next person and be like, it's kind of like, and they'd whisper something and they'd be like laughing in their corner. So now this poor girl that I'm with doesn't know if they're talking about her or not.

Sure.

And I was just like, dude, I was so mad at my friends. I called Natalie and I was just like, I've never been so fucking pissed off at our friends. What is wrong with them? And she's like, what are you talking about?

What happened?

And I was like, nothing happened. That's the problem. They did nothing. They didn't try at all.

Well, you made the mistake of trying to bring someone around. I would never ever bring somebody around.

No, I know, I know.

That's really tough.

But that's when someone does bring somebody around, like, I try my fucking very best to make sure that that person Does not feel—

the other thing is people bring people around and they immediately think that they're like out to get them. That's the other hard part.

What do you mean?

Because people think that—

oh yeah, totally. Yeah, let's say Alex, my hometown friend Alex, brings over a girl, right? This has happened maybe like once. Like me and Ilya and Natalie will be like, who is this girl? What does she want with you?

You're right.

Like really, like really don't give this girl a chance, right? Um, but that's also because like we've been burned one too many times. So yeah, it's kind of just like that's kind of what the world has turned us into.

But it's good Pepsi.

You just gotta be careful. Stop drinking the Pepsi during our podcast. I hate it, dude. I hate it. I hate when you do stuff like that.

What?

Jason likes—

take a sip of Pepsi. Chill the fuck out. What am I doing? Does that bother you?

I, I just don't like it.

Don't like what?

If I was listening to a podcast, I wouldn't want anybody fucking drinking on my time. Like, like, you know, like right now we are servants of our audience. Like, you do not— you, you have to go an hour without drinking a Pepsi.

No, I disagree. Howard eats his muffin on air and I love it.

That's different.

It's so fun.

That, you know, you know why that works, right? Because Howard was around when the radio fucking was first invented.

You've never listened to—

so anything went, huh?

Anything went at that time.

It's ridiculous.

Now there's a lot of competition. Now we can't be drinking Pepsi.

No, I disagree.

I think it's fine. Jason's like, really believes in like a relaxed podcast, which I kind of vibe with too, I get it. Jason like believes in like a, yeah, like have a meal during your podcast, eat peanuts, eat Oreos.

Do your taxes.

But like, I think a podcast is interesting when it's like polished and it's like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And there's no pauses where you're like, you probably won't hear this, but I coughed earlier in the podcast and I told Jason to edit it out. 'Cause I don't want the cough in there.

No, I get it.

No, no, no.

The coughing is gross. Oh, I agree. Let's get rid of your cough.

You fucking tongue-fucking your Pepsi bottle isn't gross.

It's just like, how often am I in Europe though to have a bottle of Pepsi?

Bro, stop reaching for the fucking bottle.

I'm not going to drink it. I'm just holding it.

Yeah, but like even holding it, it's like such, because people don't know you're holding it.

David gets pissed off if I check the recording equipment to make sure it's still recording in the middle of a story.

My least favorite thing that Jason does is he'll be like telling a story and he'll go like, And then this is how I reacted. And he'll like show something with his face and I'll be like, dude, it's an audio podcast.

I don't do that.

Yes you do. You did that last podcast. You like make facial expressions and I always have to go, Jason, describe it to the audience.

What did I do? I went, I went, and then I was like, no, you were talking. And then I made this face.

See, even doing it right now.

Is that what I did?

Yeah, that's what you did.

Okay. I won't do that anymore.

Thank you. Bro, Jason, we're in my hotel room in Vienna. Jason, we just took a little break from the podcast. Jason lights a cigarette. What the fuck?

I thought you were smoking in here.

What do you mean I was smoking in here?

I see cigarettes everywhere.

'Cause dude, 'cause we're— oh my God, you're so dumb.

Does it bother you?

Yes, it's like the grossest smell in a room.

Is it gonna bother you for the rest of the night? Yeah. Oh good.

Oh good. You're an asshole.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking.

But first he went to the windows to like check if he could smoke and the windows, you can't open them here.

So that's probably why.

So yeah. So, so he goes, he goes, oh man, you can't smoke in here. So I was glad I was like, good. He found out he can't open the windows. And then he sat back down and just smoked in the middle of the living room.

I kind of was like, he's watching me do it. So maybe he'll say, don't light that up. But then you didn't say anything.

Cause I, cause I thought you were fucking with me.

You know what? It really stinks in here now.

What did you think, bro? It's not a vape pen. Oh my God, dude, that was unreal.

I don't know.

Imagine if I just went in the middle of your room and just diarrhea in the middle of your room and then you looked at me and you were like, oh, don't even start. And then you looked at me, you're like, David, why'd you do that? And I go, well, there's a toilet in the room, so I thought I could maybe diarrhea here in the living room.

Don't even start with me. You do shit all the time. You never think about me.

I think about you all the time.

You literally take, take, take. Literally when I get on a plane, I fuckin', the first thing I do is I sit in the seat and I go, goddammit, I like this seat. I know Dave is gonna come and try to take it.

That's not true.

Yeah, oh yeah, 100%.

I always try to switch seats with you to make you, to put you in a better position.

Put me in a better position?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

That's weird 'cause we both like windows. Yeah. And you always go, could I have the window?

Well, yes, 'cause I thought that maybe if you sat in the middle, you'd have more support from both sides. That's why, because I know you need help sitting up. So I said, I said, Jason, I would take the window. And you also never know. You've never seen those videos where people get sucked out of windows? That could have been you. So I sat you in the middle. You're welcome.

Yeah, you got me. You always have my back.

You think you could find a wife here in Europe?

I really was, I was really was thinking that. And I don't know if I was just having like wishful thinking, but as I was walking around and talking to people, it just seemed like people were like more normal here.

Well, I feel like you're also like kind of like got like a hotter edge to you because you're American here.

Maybe, maybe that was part of it.

Maybe people are kind of more interested in you because they're like, oh, America, like I'll give this guy a shot.

Right.

And like they don't know your reputation at all that you're a 48-year-old YouTube vlogger. So it's like you could probably, you could probably get away with actually maybe meeting somebody here.

There was two ladies out front last night and they were probably my age, like definitely 40s, maybe late 40s. And I fucking had a whole conversation with them. We talked for a while. We were smoking cigarettes, having a blast. When I meet somebody my age, it's a lot of fun, you know. And she's telling me she moved to New Mexico and blah blah blah, she used to live in Long Beach, blah blah blah. Well, cut to I go to breakfast with Jonah and Todd today, and I'm walking home, and I go— and I'm walking down the streets of Vienna, and I go, ladies! Ladies! Like that. And I go, my girls, my girls! Like that. They turn around and they fucking look at me. They're like, what? And I was like, guys, last night we talked last night. And they're like, what? What are you talking about? Who are you? Like, do you know this person? And the other girl's like, no, I don't know this person. And I go, Guys, we talked last night for like 20 minutes. I'm a YouTuber. I live in LA. You're from Long Beach. You moved to New Mexico. Your dad owns— your brother owns a studio. And they were like, oh my God. Oh my God. How do you know all this stuff about—

Bullshit.

I swear to God. Ask Todd. And they were like, oh yeah, we talked to you. And I guess they were bombed the entire time, but I didn't know that.

Oh my God.

But we talked for like a half hour and they completely like forgot me. And then I was like, I was like, oh, I see how it is. Don't fucking remember me at all.

Wow, that's so fun.

And then they kind of got it. But everything I would say about her, they would start dying laughing. I'd be like, I'd be like, you, you love the beach in Long Beach and you're really sad you can't go there every morning. She's like, oh my god, you moved to New Mexico and you paid $188,000 for the house. She's like, yes.

Oh, they completed another conversation with you.

Yeah.

Wow. Well, there's, there's your luck in Europe. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you to my co-host Jason. It's been such a pleasure co-hosting with you.

You're the best, David. Sorry about lighting the cigarette in here.

That's okay. Um, I hope we see you guys tomorrow. Um, and I hope you guys have a good week. And, uh, my name is Jeff. Bye.