David's First Big Paycheck

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views. Go run it.

Why? Just sent me a bunch of pitches for the podcast. Pictures, pitches, ideas for the podcast. Okay.

Is it possible for a son to be in love with his dad in like a more than normal way?

I was trying to get here tonight and he literally is just following me into my bedroom and all the way out, but not saying anything. And I'm like, what? What? What do you need? He's like, I don't know. I just want to be close to you.

I was like, oh, he's 18. That's why I mentioned music. Have you ever gotten your— have you ever gotten hit by your parents?

Yeah, all the time.

Yeah. It's weird how people don't hit their kids anymore, isn't it?

I don't know if— yeah, yeah. I don't know. No, I didn't get hit.

I think in America people don't hit anybody. Oh, I got hit a lot. I think I've been, like, spanked when I was younger a couple of times.

Oh, yeah.

I don't—

my parents never hit me in the fucking face. They didn't, like, sucker punch me.

Come here, bitch. No, no, no, no. Like child hitting.

Oh, wait. No, I got—

you know, like when you see a—

I got spanked.

Right, right, right, right. I guess that's what I mean, Jay. I don't mean, like, you know, my dad didn't come and punch me in the stomach. No, I know what you meant. I know. Or just like, yo, man, why is the dishwasher empty? And it's just a kick to my face. No, it was never like that. No, but it was Like, you know, like, like, like shit that scares you as a kid. Yeah, but like, it's nothing when you're like, look at it as an adult, right?

Yeah.

Like stuff like that. Like, what? Like, how would you get hit?

Um, I— my mom or my dad would lay me down, take my fucking pants off.

Whoa.

What's the story?

Hit me with the belt.

Oh, they just take your pants off?

What did you do to deserve that?

Oh, man.

So, Coke when I was 8.

Um, well, I mean, like, most of the time it was just like me running away and like not responding to my parents.

Jay. Have you ever run away?

No.

Oh, really?

I would never run away.

No way, man.

What do you mean?

I'm on my own.

Well, yeah, but you don't know that as a kid. Like, I ran away as a kid once.

I knew that as a kid, but I was back before midnight, I think. You know what? It's really funny is when you're married and you run away, then it's really funny.

I don't know. I've never done that.

Like, well, like if you have, like you're married and then you have a fight and then you're like, I'm out of here. And then like, so now you're gone for a couple of hours and you're like, yeah, I have nowhere to go.

I get that more though, because then you can get like a hotel and you could just like be alone by yourself.

But if you get the hotel, now that's a line. In the sand. That's— you don't want to just— if you got a hotel, like, where were you?

Why you got to come back? You have to come back? You have to come back?

Yeah. Wow. 100%.

Also thinking about—

I was—

do you remember like the first like serious money you got online?

Of course.

What happened?

I got paid, um, $750 to go to Mike Tyson's mansion in Vegas, and I was ecstatic.

That is exactly how the first Vine deals were.

I couldn't believe it. The guy had to literally explain it to me for like an hour, like They explained it to me, not for an hour, but several phone calls. I was like, okay, so you're paying me to make a Vine there? And they're like, yeah, yeah, it's gonna be great.

And I was like, okay, with Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson wasn't there, but when we got there, everyone was dressed as The Hangover. There was like a fake Zach Galifianakis, and, uh, and Mr. Belding was there from Saved by the Bell, the real Mr. Belding.

So what's the— what was the point of— what was the point of the— who are you promoting in the Vine?

I don't remember, but And not to drop names, but like every Viner was there. Like all of our— I'm making a joke, but like, like Marcus Johns was there, Amanda Cerny was there.

It was really weird not to drop names, but Zayn and Heath were there.

I think Zayn and Heath were there. And they— I was like, wow. And then I had a big fight with my ex-wife about it.

I'm—

I'm—

oh yeah, you told me this because this is when she was like, what are you doing?

Yeah, because we had to go see her— her dad's birthday in New York. We had to go to a party and I was like I stood my ground. I was like, I'm going.

I can't go. Duty calls in Vegas at Mike Tyson's mansion. I remember the first brand deal I got. Yeah, well, first I got paid, I think it was like $50 for a Vine. Yeah, that was fucking insane to me. Yeah, I had to make a Vine. I don't know who it was for, but then there was one thing. There was this guy hit me up and he's like, I need you to re-Vine 3 of my Vines and I'm gonna pay you $1,600. Yeah, and that was Fucking mind-blowing. I was like, what? My friends didn't believe it. I didn't believe it. This is like $1,600. Like, my biggest brand deal at the time was like $100.

Wow.

So like, this was fucking huge. So much. This was right before I moved to LA, so this is gonna be my ticket. I was like, there's no fucking way. Well, first I remember like negotiations, and I was like— and he's like, he's like, hey man, can you revend 3 of my Vines? I can pay you. And he was like, how much? He's like, how much you charge? And I was just like Oh man, I don't know my rates right now. Like, I was like trying to sound like I've done this before. Yeah. And then he goes, okay, I don't have much. Is $1,600 okay? And I was like, what the fuck? And I was like, I was like, no, no. First he said $1,200. Yeah. And then I was like, I don't know, man. Can we meet somewhere around like $2,000? And he's like, okay, let's do $1,600.

Good on you. And the negotiator—

and I was like, I was like, this is bullshit. There's no way it's going to happen. And he's— and right after I've revived him, he's like, do you have Venmo? And I was like, no, what's that? And I downloaded Venmo. And 10 minutes later, $1,600 added to my Venmo. And that is— that's fucking crazy when you're a kid.

Spend it or save it?

Saved it.

Yeah.

I mean, I worked at a retirement home where I made like— I made $1,600 for working there for a couple of months. I don't know what I did, but it's like, that was crazy to me.

Your parents say my—

I don't know. I don't know what my parents said. My parents were really, really confused about everything up until about 3 months ago. My manager, Jack, fucking he like, every time we do a brand deal, he's like, let's get, let's get the money up front. I fucking never understand that, dude. I never understand that.

It's like, so you can get paid early.

Yeah, but it's so fucking stupid. This is like, this is the thing with like, with like rock stars too, and like people that signed to record labels. It'll say like, Post Malone signs $100 million record label deal, right? But that's like, that's not up front. Like, that's just money that they're gonna give him up front, but then he's gonna recoup. Like Like, I never understood that. Like, that's literally just getting a loan from the bank. Like, why would you do that? And I always tell the managers, like, do not give me any fucking money up front. Even if you get the money, you hold it for a couple months, because when you get the money right away, then it just feels like you're doing work for free. It's, it's so much better to get the money, like, later down when you forgot that you even owed money.

Uh, well, I mean, I come from, like, a completely different—

it comes from a place where you need the money up front just to prove that.

That's how I'm gonna say.

Yeah, yeah. So different.

But to his point, yeah, I agree. Like to be creatively, I guess, for lack of attention, successful.

You're like indebted to this person.

Money.

Yeah, I don't, I don't like that. That's— I never understood that about fucking musicians.

Like, like no one's ever offered to pay me up front, so really it's not a problem.

It's always half. Yo, the best, the best shit is— I'll tell you guys this, this is like crazy. So, so once I, I got like, once I got like a brand deal, it's for like, it's like a good amount of money, like $100,000.

Wow.

And it was this program that was on this computer and the program just malfunctioned completely and it didn't work and they didn't want me to promote it. So when that happens, you don't have to promote anything and they have to pay you half the money. You ever get one of those?

I have gotten one of those.

Those are fucking crazy. You don't do anything.

Those are nuts.

They just have to pay you half the money. It's like when Coachella canceled and Coachella still has to pay like half the artists or like half the— it's fucking insane. You don't do a thing. You just get a call and they go, hey man, sorry about this, but we're canceling the campaign. Campaign, but we're still gonna— how does $50,000 sound? Yeah, like, I'm like, oh, I'm—

it's almost better. Look, I don't have to do anything.

Yeah, like, what am I supposed to say? And it's crazy. Would that happen with you?

Yeah, what happened with me, there was like a campaign and, uh, and, uh, it got canceled because of, uh, quarantine.

Oh yeah.

And then they paid me not half, but like 40%, and I was like, great.

Oh, that actually— a job happened to me where it got canceled too.

And I was like, great, I don't have to do this. And yeah, still make some money.

A job happened to me where I was doing it with my hometown friends, so I paid them a little bit, you know, just to give them some money, right? And I was like, yeah, sorry, the video's not going up anymore. Um, the brand deal was canceled. And they're like, oh dude, I'm sorry, you want the money back? And I was like, no, I'm good, don't worry. Because they still gave me half the money and I didn't want to tell my hometown friends. But it is, it is really crazy.

Dave not giving a shit about money. The first time I visited Dave at his apartment, I remember going to his bedside and there was like 8 different checks. Like 8 different uncashed checks. I was like, Dave, what the fuck are these?

Literally out of Caddyshack. That's Chevy Chase's character in Caddyshack.

Fucking $12,000, $30,000, $5,000. I'm like, bro, what the fuck are you doing?

I hate cashing checks. It's crazy. To this day, I don't know how much money I remember.

I used to live in that apartment. I was astonished.

Yeah, I'm just—

when I met you, just everything, everywhere, all the help I can get.

And you know what the fucking craziest part is? People think I change, like, when it comes to shit like that, but I fucking don't. I am so dirty.

But you have people helping you.

Exactly. But that's— but that's the thing.

But like, you wouldn't be able to go back to that.

No. Yes, I would.

No, you wouldn't.

Yeah, you would. He'd be fine. Yeah, it's literally who he is.

It's just— it's just fucking shirts and clothes on the ground. Not really.

No, you had—

I was surprised.

Had like piss on the ground. You had a donkey piss on your clothes. Carpet.

You come off as clean to me.

I do. Yeah, but you were a slob. Such a slob. Oh, that's why when people saw my room, they just couldn't believe it. They were so confused.

Couldn't even walk in there.

Yo, Ilya asked the dumbest fucking question in the car yesterday. Oh my God, you should have seen this shit. We're driving back.

I was tired.

We're driving back from Utah. Driving.

We're driving back from Utah. He's like, okay, Dave, Dave, good question for you. Good question for you. We turn the music down and everything. He's like, would you rather Drive any car you want anywhere, like anywhere you have to go. You can pick any car you want. You could take it or fly economy. I was like, what the fuck? Ali has been living in L.A. for 6 weeks and he's asking me fucking questions like this.

It's like the TikTok.

It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. And I was like, okay, let's say, let's say you're— let's say you need— I was generous. I was like, let's say you need to travel somewhere in the States.

Yeah, right.

I was like, let's say you need to go to New York. Yeah. What are you going to do?

Fucking take the Bentley or Ferrari Spirit?

Pack the Ferrari and drive all the way.

First off, I meant the States.

Okay.

I didn't mean it doesn't depend on how far you got to go. New York is literally 31 hours away. Yeah.

I mean, here's the thing. Fucking going to the airport. This is like where the thought comes from. Going to the airport, having to take your fucking shoes off and your belt and having to get scanned. And wait for the fucking plane, I get it.

Okay.

I, you know, you can't tell you something. You're going to have to take your shoes off when you're in the car because you're going to fucking sleep at a motel because there's no way you can drive fucking 40 hours across the US. You're going to have to sleep somewhere. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

I love when smart people ask really dumb questions.

I'd be careful with that phrase.

Fuck you.

I was fucking tired.

It's a dumb question asked by a dumb idiot. Yeah, I don't know. That was a bad question.

Sure.

For a week, you should knock on your— on your son's door and be like, are you masturbating? Oh, fuck. Masturbating. Cut that out.

Oh, once again, guys, on the Views podcast, we have managed to talk about jerking off.

Dude, what the fuck?

Fire the confetti cannons.

I'm really trying not to.

Jay, I have a good one.

I mean, it's about what? Jerking off? Safe. I'll pivot this conversation.

Would you rather—

Yeah.

Have sex with your mother?

Okay.

Or David?

Oh, Jesus Christ. That's fucking tough because you want both, huh? Well, that is really tough.

How's the sex with David got to be?

Oh, wait, that's easy. If you asked me, I'd go Jason 100%.

How's this? Then my mom?

No, then my mom.

Oh, I was going to say, wait, wait, wait.

I already had sex with your mom. I would 100%.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. What happened in Hawaii?

No, I would, uh, I would, I, you know, I asked her, I walked in on them, you know, I asked her in Hawaii to have sex. Yeah.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, I was like, is it, would it be, you were kidding? No, deadass. No, I'm kidding. Damn it.

I love deadass sometimes. Sometimes I hate it though.

Yeah.

Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Do I? Well, Jay, that's so fucking easy.

What's the sex with David? Him fucking me or me fucking him?

A little bit of both, bro. Oh yeah, you would fuck each other. Yeah, I don't fuck you.

You got a one and Design me, dude.

Yeah, like, let me get in on something. You fucking fuck me a little bit.

I really wish I could come to a definitive answer, but it's both are so— you gotta like—

right now, are you fucking kidding me?

I wish you had—

I wish you had a fucking paintball gun to my head right now and you were like, Jay, answer honestly or I fucking shoot you with this paper.

Jay, I'd fuck you 30 times before I even thought about hooking up with my mom. Are you kidding me?

Yeah, you're right, you're right. You know what, I wasn't thinking straight.

I also take back me saying 30 times, because if there is ever situation where the things we say on here have to come true? Um, not 30 times.

I think it would be so— I would be so like— I'd be so disgusted the entire time. It would, it would be like, it would be like picking up vomit. It would be like David and I were picking up vomit and an actual shit.

Jay, but you know we'd make eye contact and just start cracking up.

I wouldn't. I, I wouldn't. I wouldn't even be able to laugh, and you know how much I like to laugh, but I wouldn't be able to. I, I'd be so utterly shooken to my core.

Right, right, right. Well, luckily this is just—

and I wouldn't be able to talk to you for a long time.

It's okay, buddy. It's just a game. Calm down. It's like, and you know what? I think I'd have to move. Hey, dude, it's chill. It was just a question. Ilya won't ask it again. Let's take it easy.

Don't do that to Jay ever again. He really freaked out.

All right, no more would you rather questions.

Have you guys ever thought about your last name? Like, have you ever said it out loud to yourself?

I think about my first name a lot.

Oh my God. Sometimes I think about my name.

I just said my last name for the first time and say it again today. Fedorovich.

I can't.

So weird.

I used to have a hard time pronouncing my last name. Do you remember that?

No.

Oh my God. It was David Dobrik. It still sounds weird when it comes out of my mouth, doesn't it?

Not really.

David Dobrik. David Dobrik. When people ask me, like, they're like, David, what? I go, Dobrik. And I feel like I'm saying it wrong. I always have to say it again.

How did you pronounce it as a child?

No, no, I always said it right, but I always, like, stumble on the B-R-I-K. That's always tough for me.

We sound like idiots.

No, no, I mean, it's also—

if someone's just listening to this for the first time and they chose this episode, they'd be like, are these guys dumb? This guy, honey, this guy just said he can't pronounce his own last name.

I mean, he tried for a minute. He just tried.

The other one does doesn't understand that he can't drive to New York in 2 hours.

Yeah, that is fucked, dude. I loved high school, Jay. I cannot tell you how amazing it was. I cannot tell you. Every second of it was fucking incredible.

Everything.

High school.

Why?

Why does a person hate high school?

I hated it so much.

Why? Why?

Because I went to school with people that I didn't like.

Isn't that the best, though?

I know.

I love that. I love, like, people that suck.

Wait, what are you talking about? You went to school with Fucking all your best friends.

Yeah, yeah, I know. No, but you're still friends with them all.

But it must have been great.

There was one time Ilya got moved. Ilya lived on the choice, like in the choice zone where he was either going to go to Libertyville or Vernon Hills. There are two towns.

Freshman year.

It was freshman year and Libertyville was like, you have to come to our school because you're closer to our school or whatever. So a bunch of like his friends, like 15 of them got together to protest and they went to our high school and they went to like our dean and were like, we want Ilya back in our school. And I went as a tagalong. I didn't know Ilya very well. Did you even know I was there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You bike there?

Yeah, I bike there. And I was there to like protest and I felt so weird because like, like I didn't know Ilya that well, but I was there like on his behalf. Like I was like, yeah, let's get him back. But I didn't even hang out with him.

So they kicked Ilya out of Vernon Hills.

Yeah, for a year. They didn't kick him out, but his parents moved. Oh, so he had to go to a different school. I think, I think the best part of our high school is our teachers were cool as fuck. Like every teacher had like something cool about them and they were just like friends with us. Like they were our age. Like none of them were like, we had a lot of young, none of them were like better than us. They were all like, they were all like one of us.

Back to one day in high school, what would you choose?

Just, you know, color wars. Oh, 100%.

So fucking fun, man. I wish you knew what it was.

Have you ever done color wars? Okay.

So I wish you knew. I wish, I wish Jay could talk about this. Well, We have a podcast here.

No, Color Wars was great. Every year the seniors are tie-dye, sophomores are green, freshmen are red, and juniors are yellow. And every year you come and you dress as your color for one day, and it's whoever has like the most spirit wins. And like, and like, this is why, like, you laugh at me for being like a cheerleader in school, right? But this, like, all the spirit shit in our school, was— in other schools it's lame as fuck, but it was the biggest thing at ours. It was respected, like so respected. Like when Spirit Week comes along and if you're not wearing black on the day to be wearing black, you're a fucking cunt, and everyone's like, what the fuck are you doing? Like every— like, like attacked, like bullied that day. Yeah, like you'll be like, are you fucking— like people yell, you'll be like, dude, you have a purpose today, and that's to fucking honor your class and respect your classmates. You go put something on, you go put something black on And like every year. So like junior year, I think was my favorite Color Wars is when we were yellow. And it's like, so what happens is like the freshmen, they're like nervous, right? So they wear red, but they're still kind of— the way our school worked is there was 4 floors, right? And the, like the top floor was juniors, seniors, and every floor was a different grade. So like, so like the bottom floor was the freshmen one year. And when they come to Color Wars, they're like pretty nervous, right? Like they're like, they wear— they all wear red. But they don't really get it, right? Sophomores are like, are like really into it, like really into it because they saw from the year before how the other grades are into it. And juniors and seniors are fucking crazy. Like, that's the competition most of the time is between the juniors and the seniors. And like, what you do is like, okay, so we all wore yellow and, and then we all marched around the school before school started. We were like walking through the freshman hallways like, like, like 100 of us, like our entire, our entire grade. would march through this freshman hallway, and we were, like, chanting shit. Like, what was the shit we would chant?

I don't know.

It was like, oh, oh, oh, oh.

White stripes.

Yeah, like, shit like that. As we're marching through the hallways, and we'd feel so cool and, like, you'd walk by a freshman and you'd, like, look at him and you'd be like, fuck you. It was so great.

And then how would you decide a winner?

Then there was the assembly. And at the assembly, we'd all be sitting and, like, they'd make us do, like, the school chant, and whoever did it the loudest would win. And. And like, and, and then, and then they would decide based on like, um, oh, teachers would also tally all the students in every class and who wore the colors.

Okay.

So that's why it was so important if you didn't wear cars. Yeah. So it was a mix between that and yeah, and one year was like a serious upset, like a serious— I think it was my senior year, it was a huge upset. The freshmen won. Yeah.

No.

Yeah, the freshmen won. It was fucking insane, Jay.

How?

They just came out, they came out of the gates. I think they had— I think the freshmen at the time had a lot of senior relatives. Yeah. So the freshmen that were like in the popular groups like spread to all the other freshmen. They were like, listen, my brother's been in this school for 3 years. Color Wars is a big fucking thing. We gotta come and we gotta show out. And I think the freshmen like told all the other freshmen to come ready, and they fucking brought it. And they were marching through the hallway. They marched through the fucking senior hallway. Yeah, bro, they came through our hallway where the seniors were. And you know what, you don't know what that's like, Jay. And it's like, and like when the freshmen are marching through, you obviously don't fight them. You kind of just look at another senior and you go, unbelievable. You go like, I can't believe the balls on these kids. It was crazy.

That's your area too. You let them come in like that, dude.

We had no choice. Sometimes we'd block them off at the stairs, but then they would come from the other hallways.

Did you ever, did you ever throw a penny? You ever throw a penny at freshmen?

Oh, yes, of course. I threw pennies at the freshmen.

I remember one time I chucked a fucking penny at a freshman.

I felt so bad.

Yeah, I felt like— that's supposed to be for their faces, right?

You know, I hit his face.

Yeah. Like, I— like, when we were freshmen, we would get pennies thrown at us. It was just like a thing. It's like— I mean, it was fucking high school, right? You have to— there was a food chain, and like, you had to respect it. You were nothing. You were such a loser. Their legs? Well, I would get thrown them at like my head. But like, the common courtesy is don't throw them at people's heads. But yeah, it was—

guys, it's a bunch of pennies, remember? No faces.

Yeah, but that's why I loved fucking high school. It was so good.

That day was not a school day. Yeah, that day was a fucking war.

Oh yeah, it was a war.

It was the best.

People get into fights.

And the day before, I'd go to like Target and I'd buy tape and I would duct tape. I duct tape my shoes. Everything was yellow and people duct tape their entire bodies. I brought a yellow vacuum to school. So just a big yellow vacuum cleaner and I brought it around with me. Like, it's fucking all out, bro. And it's like, you know, it's no student left behind.

No, we started hanging out junior year. I remember that because of the yellow vacuum. Yeah, yeah, I started Vine junior year.

Yeah, yeah.

Dave, did you ever play Thrillville?

No, what's that? Did you ever play Farmville?

No, it's kind of the same thing. But you've played Thrillville?

She played Farmville. You never played Farmville?

No, it's kind of the same thing as what I'm talking about. Like the same, like Tycoon game.

I don't play simulation games.

I used to play Pigpen. And if any girl knows what Pigpen is, I'll marry you on the spot. No, I've never met a single human that knows what Pigpen is. I used to play that all day.

Here go my DMs. Tell David I play Pigpen.

Yeah. Oh, DM Jason if you play the game Pigpen. Seriously. No, seriously. And Jason will show me. And you just don't say that.

And that's all my DMs already.

And I want you to also send a voice message of your experience playing Pigpen.

I'm glad I bring some value, Chase.

Oh bro, your life, bro. You know what was really weird once? It's like, it's like, oh, you know, like, you know, like there's moments where you're like really embarrassed in front of your family. This was one of them.

Um, when I became a YouTuber.

Yeah, no, I was playing a game. It was like an online game where you can like online chat, right? And like, I didn't have many contacts with girls, so this is like the one time Like, I was like, I'm gonna chat to some girls. It's like a game where you were like a, like an astronaut and you were on the moon and you were bouncing around in like Mars rovers, and you can talk to random astronauts that were around you. And there was an astronaut, I was like 14, and the astronaut was like, how old are you? And I was like, 18. Like, I lied about my age. And she goes, oh, I'm 14. And I was 14, and I turned to my dad and I go I— this girl said she was 14 and I was 14 and I should have said I was 14, but I said I was 18. And my dad comes over and goes, what the fuck are you doing? And I got so embarrassed. I got so embarrassed. I was like, oh my God, what the fuck am I doing? Like, I'm on this chat room on this video game trying to fucking find a girlfriend. So, um, so yeah, that was like a moment that like, that like really scarred me.

I think that's really scary to navigate.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm just a kid.

Yeah. That's like a real— it's a really scary moment when your dad catches you doing something weird like that. I hated that. I wish he was just like, that's okay, son, just tell her you're 14. I wish he said that.

Why are you lying about your age? So, Claire, you have no hair on your balls.

I want to talk about something real quick. Ilya, I mean this in the nicest way possible, bro.

Oh no.

Be careful about what's about to come out of your mouth.

I'll tell you what's about to come out of my mouth. You're a fucking idiot.

Okay.

I've never seen anybody so bad at Call of Duty in my life, bro. Honestly, Ilya, I'm playing with you, bro. Bro, and I have never seen such stupidity in my life. The decisions you make during the game are atrocious, are embarrassing, and honestly, honestly, I regret ever meeting you in high school sometimes when, when I'm playing with you. Joe, Joe, you can attest to this. Joe, you play with us. It's embarrassing.

Give me one fucking example that I embarrassed you with.

We'll give you the crown as soon as the game starts. Yesterday you grabbed the crown instead of going for scavenger you fucking idiot. That makes no sense.

I had a helicopter. I could have fucking floated in the air and we could have had $4,200 each instead of your fucking pussy-ass scavenging bullshit.

It's like $1,000.

No, it's not.

It was—

no, it's not.

It was $3,000. This fucker grabs it right away, and now we're— and now he's flying in the air, so he's not even helping us on the fucking ground where there's two of us now. We're outnumbered. He's in the air flying around, so we're definitely gonna die. And we're only gonna make $3,000. There's no common sense when this fucking plays. It doesn't make sense. It blows my mind so much, bro, and I just fucking yell at him. So angry.

Looks like a kid that just like got grounded because—

dude, it just makes—

can I tell you something, please? Can I fucking say something? You're not fun to play with. You know why?

Because you're a fucking dictator.

Okay, Joe, fucking help me out. When you crash that helicopter What did you feel like, huh? Did you feel shitty?

Yeah, yeah, that's how it is every fucking game.

You are every game. You are a bit of a—

he's just yelling the whole time.

It's just yelling, bro. That's all it is. Stop, stop. When Joe crashed that helicopter, that was the stupidest fucking— it's a game. That was the worst part. Fuck you, it's a game. It's not a game, it's a competition. You want to be the fucking number one. It's real life to me, man.

It took him like 10 seconds seconds to realize that it was my fault the helicopter blew up. And it was like peaceful.

I was like, oh, this is weird.

And as soon as like, Joe, you crashed that, my world was over.

This was like, this was like 4 weeks ago. Joe, Joe, like we had every— so we had everything. Like we had money, we had all the perks, we had everything. We were about to fly to like a high building and just, and just sit on the high building. And Joe, Joe got greedy. He's like, let me go get this one thing. We each had $10,000. We did not need any more money.

Yeah.

And he got greedy. So he landed the helicopter on the ground to go grab something off the ground. And then on his way back up, he hit a light post and the entire helicopter blew up. Killed all 4 of us.

Killed everybody.

Killed all 4 of us. And I thought— and I didn't know it was Joe driving. And then like, you know, like 10 seconds passed by and I go, Joe, that was you? And I got so fucking angry and Joe got so quiet. I mean, Joe didn't talk the rest of the game. And like, then we played for like another hour. I feel like we played like 3 other games after that. Joe was like keeping his like conversation to a minimum. And then we got off, we got off, and then 2 hours later it's like 3 AM. I text Joe, yo, I can't believe what you did. I texted on, I'm like, I can't believe you blew that helicopter up. We had fucking everything. This was 3 games later. I was still thinking about it because it was such a, such a stupid—

you didn't even get shot down, just ran into a light post.

Yeah, he ran into a light post, bro. It's so embarrassing.

What if it was real war? Who would do better, Ilya?

Yes, you'd be on his back with his strategies though.

I don't know if it's fucking life and death. It's much different. If you want me to think life and death, you want me to think life and death today, I will fucking think life.

You say this all the time. You say, you know what, today I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try right now. You go, you go right now, I'm turning it up right now, I'm gonna try. That's what you gotta fucking do, bro. When we're in the game, I fly the helicopters.

No, I fly the helicopter.

You think I suck?

You think I suck?

Okay, but I've crashed one fucking time.

And, oh, bro, bro, you use that example every time. Speaking of Ilya driving, the other day I had to rent a Tesla because we were out of town and I had to do like a brand deal, like inside a Tesla.

Yeah.

And so I got one. I got one from— this was crazy. First of all, we were in Utah and I needed to like borrow a Tesla because I needed to look like my own Tesla. And we went to the dealership. And I was like, can I test drive your Model X? And they're like, the lady's like, yeah, you need another one? We saw the one that you basically crashed. And I was like, I was like, yeah, I just, I want to test drive it. And she's like, okay. And she's like, can I see your license? And I just had a picture of it. I showed her the picture. She's like, okay, be back in 20 minutes. That's it. She gave me the keys. No one came with me. Isn't that fucking crazy?

Oh, that's interesting.

That's how you test drive Teslas. No one comes with you.

That's, she's, that's probably, that might have been, it sounds like a Tesla thing.

It's really cool. So I left and I took it and I did the thing in a parking lot, and Ilya pulls up with his car in the parking lot, and he— dude, he comes a foot away. Like, he's like, my car's parked, and he's like coming around my car, and he almost hits my car. He's driving like a big truck, yeah, and he almost hits my car, like sideswipes it, because he thinks that once the front is around the car, the back end will follow, like, like the game Snake. Like, he thinks that's— he thinks that's how it works. And I go, I go, you're a fucking moron. That's not how cars work. You almost hit me. And he goes, Fuck you. No, that's not how it works. I didn't almost hit you. And I go, no, fuck you back. And he goes, let's go try it right now. Let's go try it right now. And if you're right, I will admit that I'm wrong. And guess what? We tried it. He got out of the car and he saw that I was about to hit the car, and he goes, okay, fuck you, I was wrong. I was wrong. Dude, he's such a shit driver. He's such a shit driver. He's a shit player. No common sense in this dude.

What do you like about this guy?

He's got a lot of heart, but he's dumb as a rock. That's not true.

That's not true at all. But No, bro, first off, you fucking thought that that van, that big-ass van originally, like whenever you thought this, was also like capable of doing that.

No.

Yeah, you did.

I don't argue with you anymore.

I love having—

okay, here's the thing. Yeah, I'm not driving with him anymore, and I'm not playing Call of Duty with you anymore. Oh, and you can suck my dick.

That's a low blow.

What?

You're not gonna play Call of Duty with him anymore? What's he gonna do?

No, I'll play with Thank you, Jesus. I'll just mute him, bro.

Taylor made me this tea about 2 hours ago, and she put in this fucking thermocup. It's still scalding hot. Oh yeah, these cups are insane.

Yeah, that's how they make them.

How do they do it? It's like it's heating it up. Like, it's like, it's like a microwave in here. How is it getting hotter?

Yeah, that's a— well, that's a big thing for people too, if you drink coffee. I love hot coffee.

I hate hot coffee.

I like ice better.

I would— I'll order my Starbucks an hour before it's made, right? So, oh yeah, yeah, I'll order it. I'll order it an hour ahead of time and then I'll pick it up and it's, it's lukewarm and I'll drink all of it like in one sitting.

Oh wow, you like it lukewarm?

That's the best type. That's the best type, like when milk is like just warm. Yeah, yeah. You know what I hate about LA?

Being friends with me.

Yeah, and I hate that like ever since I moved here I found out that milk sucks for you. I hate that. I hate that.

What about, like, milk alternatives? You like milk alternatives?

Not like what?

Like oat milk, almond milk, coconut milk?

I'm scared to try them because I'm allergic to both of those, almonds and coconut. So I just never really give it a shot. Almond milk once. It's cool. I just don't know how they fucking milk an almond. Are there bigger almonds with titties somewhere?

How do they milk an almond?

Thank you. See, that's what I'm fucking saying. It kind of makes no sense. It makes you think.

Titties on an almond.

Yeah. I have a question about news anchors.

This is my— this is my radio voice. I used to do it in college, by the way, when I had it, when I used to read the news.

You used to have a radio show?

Yeah, in college.

What was it called?

I used to, and I was so bad at it. I tried to sound like people on the radio that would be like, officers for the Fort Myers Police Department said—

they don't have a question. Do people on like when they do, do news announcers sound like news announcers on purpose? Like, what is that? Like, what the fuck?

I always wondered that. And I used to work in news. It's just like, it's just like a tone of authority that You have to develop a delivery style.

Welcome back. Tonight on ABC 7, a woman and 2 children are in a car accident.

Yeah.

Report.

Why does everyone sound like that?

Because if you just did it like you, no one would understand the urgency.

Hey guys, let me try like me.

Yeah.

Hey guys, today back on 7, a woman in a car— a woman and 2 children are in a car accident.

Okay, right there I'd be like, oh my God, this guy has a brain injury.

I guess you're right, but like, I wonder if like, like when they audition to become the news anchors or whatever, however it works.

I know how it works. You make tapes. It's just, it's just—

oh, you actually make tapes?

You make a tape. Yeah, so like, like, because I wanted to do this when I was in college, and then I just ditched it. But you go to like, like Syracuse University is a really big university for this. And so you go there and you get in the program, and then you start making tapes, and you're like—

and you have to be pretty, right? Whether you're a guy or a girl, you have to be telegenic.

Yeah, you have to be pretty, but you have to at least be like—

yeah, like fun to look— not fun to look at, like, like easy to look at.

Yeah, big heads are good.

Really?

Yeah, that was a thing. That was what they used to tell me in my broadcast journalism class. The guy would joke, he'd be like, you got a big head, you're gonna do it, you'll be able to work, I think.

Yeah, and you probably look good when you were younger too, so you probably really had a chance.

I mean, I, I wanted to, and then I just ditched it because I mean, I did acid. I told you this story, right? You did what? I was like, I was working at a news station and I was like, I'm gonna be a reporter, maybe a sports reporter. Sports, you know me, I don't like sports now at all. And then I went and did acid. And then like maybe like a couple weeks later I picked up the sports page and I was like, this is meaningless to me.

What do you mean you did acid and then you found out?

I did acid. I did acid at a concert to see Bob Dylan. I went to a Bob Dylan concert and I did acid.

Yeah, but how did that change your opinion on sports news?

Imagine, What do you love?

Um, okay, tennis. No, vlogging. Call of Duty. Which one do you want me to choose?

Okay, Call of Duty. Let's do Call of Duty. Okay, you love Call of Duty. Now imagine you go out and you do acid tonight.

Yeah.

And then tomorrow you come back and you're not on acid anymore, and you're like— and you pick up the paddle and you're like, yo, the paddle. What do you call it?

The controller.

Controller.

What's the difference?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Paddle.

A paddle? This isn't ping pong, Jay.

We used to call it paddles.

Really?

Oh, whatever. You pick up the controller bunch of nerds I'm dealing with. You pick up the controller and you go, oh, this is meaningless to me. This means nothing. And then you no longer like Call of Duty.

And I'm pretty sure it's scary though. That sounds like you probably thought a lot of other things in your life were meaningless too.

Uh, no, I don't think so.

What?

I still valued love.

Yeah, but you did come— you came back from acid and what did you gain other than lose? Like, you lost interest in something. Did you gain interest in something?

I got really into comedy. That was all I cared about.

Oh really? Yeah, like your passion?

My passion, yeah.

Make—

making people laugh or trying to be funny or getting a job or stuff like that. Yeah, I mean, I think—

did you ever have any other experiences with hard drugs that like changed your life?

Um, I did bath salts once.

No fucking way. Oh, I never did. Yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah.

All right guys, well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. It's been A View's Podcast. Thank you to Jason, my lovely co-host, and we'll see you guys later. This has been A View's Podcast.

Bye.