David’s Dreams Came True

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason's girlfriend Trisha just called and she was like, hey, I know you guys are about to do a podcast, just wanted to make sure that we don't talk about our fight this morning.

Gonna start off and just send me right down the river first thing, huh?

What was the fight this morning?

Uh, she's in love with you.

Fuck, isn't that the fight every morning?

Pretty much.

All right, let's roll the intro music. Intro music is great. It gets better and better every time I listen to it.

It's the same every week.

Yes. Um, but yeah, I'm here with Jason. Jason's 22 and I'm 45. Fuck. God damn it.

It's okay.

I'm 40 again. I'm 22, Jason's 45.

Yeah.

And we're here. What was the fight about this morning though? What can you talk about?

Six figures. I was only 45.

Is that a rap?

Yeah.

Um, what was the rap? What was the fight about?

It wasn't even a fight. She called just now and was just like I wasn't even gonna— I didn't even think we were in a fight. That's how nuts this relationship is, David.

You guys, you guys don't even remember when you guys were in fights?

I didn't think we were in a fight.

Hey babe, I know you're doing the podcast later, just checking in, did we fight this morning or no?

She specifically told me not to talk about this right now on this podcast.

Okay.

So here we go. No, she was at my house, she had me do a big photo shoot yesterday where I dressed up as Game of Thrones' Jason Momoa and all this—

That's so funny.

Huh?

Yeah. 'Cause she wants to fuck him, like really bad.

I know, and you know, you see my body next to his and it's not cool. Sure, sure. At all. So yeah, so, I don't know, she had a suitcase full of stuff at my house and she had zipped everything into the suitcase and I told her yesterday, I was like, don't stuff everything in the suitcase. Well, the suitcase broke and then she, you know, and it's like all these costumes, like she has them like designed.

Sure.

Game of Thrones, we did Twilight, Robert Pattinson.

And you were mad that the zipper broke?

I wasn't mad. Oh. At all. All I said was, I said really nice, I go, I told you not to do that yesterday, to stuff everything in there. And she goes, yeah, I know, you're right. And that was it. Then this is what made her mad.

OK. So you are going to talk about it.

I'm getting in so much trouble right now. But I love this audience, so I'm going to give it to them. This is what I said. Okay, well, let's get you out of here. That's what I said. Oh, shit. Meaning like, let's get— What do you mean, oh, shit?

Well, 'cause I know Tricia. I know what Tricia's thinking.

Right.

So I know when you say stuff like that, I know exactly how she takes it. Let's get you out of here. She was like, what? What did she say?

She didn't say anything, but she did. She took it just like you said. It's not like you guys are the same person.

Yeah, you're not good at word choice. And I know you— I know it's hard for you to—

what was I supposed to say?

I know, I know, it seems crazy, but, but I know, like, sometimes you say— you say it just perfectly in the wrong way, just like by the slightest way you say something in the wrong way, and it, and it, like, and it irks Trisha. It's fine. I know you didn't mean anything by it.

I meant it like she wanted to go home, she needed to get an Uber, she had all this stuff, so I was like, okay, let's, let's get— put— transfer all the stuff into bags. Yeah. And then she just said, I'm leaving, and she just left all the stuff, and that was it. But I didn't think it was a fight, so she called this now. She, she gave me a kiss when she left. She's like, okay, babe, I'll see you later.

Okay. Yeah, but, but she— for a second she took it as, what the fuck? She— yeah, you want me out of here? You're with your ex-wife again, aren't you?

Yeah.

Um, no. Okay, well, yeah, the other day we were at, um, we were at Olive Garden.

Yeah.

And, and she said she was gonna get there at 5, and we got there at 5:05, and, um, and I called her and I'm like, do you want us to order for you? And she got really mad at me.

You had me text that?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you want me to just—

I also called her or texted her or something. I was like, do you want us to order for you? We're here.

That was your fault.

Yeah.

And you were in the wrong, and that should teach you a lesson.

I didn't know I was in the wrong because she was, she was mad that we didn't wait for her. But when I go to restaurants, like, sometimes you've told me to meet you at— you met— you went to the Beverly Hilton once or whatever, Beverly Hills Hotel, and you're like, meet us here at, at lunch at 3 o'clock, we'll be there. And I purposely waited So I would get there at 3:20 so you can just order the food for me and I can get there when the food is there. Because I hate, I hate not having the food there and just sitting at a table.

Well, maybe—

So I thought I was doing her a favor and I thought I was like, Tricia's gonna love me after this. I'm gonna be like, do you want us to order for you so you don't have to wait? And then, Jason, and then she got there and then she was furious because her food wasn't there, remember?

Yeah.

So who was wrong, huh? Who was wrong?

She— I could, I could go both ways on this. I could go both ways on this.

Say it, say it.

Which way, whose side you want me to take?

No, it's—

she wasn't— she walked in, she sat at a different table at Olive Garden. We sat at two different tables.

Yeah, I mean, and the waitress was like, what's going on? And I'm like, it's okay, this is a normal thing, everything will be okay. But maybe the waitress was so confused because Trisha came right in and she walked right by our table and she sat at a different table. And the waitress is like about to take her order and she's just like, oh fuck, what's going on?

Well, maybe—

no, we are both in the wrong. I think we can both compromise.

Maybe you should have a little more patience with people.

Yes, I think, I think I'm— my patience is not my strongest virtue.

For sure. You like things done fast.

Speaking of patience, I wanted to record this podcast like last night because I always do. I want to record it like late at night.

Sure.

And, um, and my mom texted me. My mom texted me this morning. She's like, where's the podcast? Uh, because it's still not up because we're recording it the next day at 1 PM. And, and I'm like, Jason was too scared to record it tonight because he was, he was very sleepy.. And, um, and she texts me back and she goes, he's not scared. He has 3 kids. You are the one who should be more flexible.

And I'm like, yes, finally someone on my side.

And I go, and I go, I know, I'm waiting for him. And she's like, okay, I wait, no pressure. I'm like, you're the one that, you're the one that texted me freaking out about where the fuck the podcast is. And then she's like, he has 3 kids. How dare you? We have our first news story. I guess we do news stories now, 'cause Joe is sitting by us and he just gives me his phone and I read stuff. Naked man jumped into aquarium shark tank.

Oh, don't read this, don't read this.

Named Jason Nash. Shit. Naked man who jumped into aquarium shark tank wanted by Toronto police. Wow. I don't know if sharks are as threatening as people say they are.

Well, if they've just been fed in the aquarium, then they're probably good.

Have you ever swam with sharks?

Oh yeah, I did it when I went to Bora Bora.

They didn't bother you, right? Because you're gross. They probably swam further away.

No, they came right up.

You're like when a dog herds like a bunch of sheep together. That's what you do with sharks.

I haven't seen you swim with any sharks.

Hey man, hey, we need all the sharks, uh, out of the Pacific. Jason, you just step into the ocean.

When I get—

as you can see, there's an announcer in a helicopter. As you can see, all the sharks are swimming to the West. Jason Nash once again has scared the sharks away.

Not only have the sharks gone away, he's actually displaced the sharks and they've all, they've all been forced on land because of his weight and girth.

And New Orleans is once again underwater. Um, yeah, no, but how have you been? How's your weekend?

Everything week, everything's been great. I've been sleeping a lot, trying to get my rest. I'm choosing my points to rest and that's it. Yeah, I think might be sick.

I hung out with one of your friends, with one of your daughter's friends the other day. Yeah. And her mom's like a big famous actress. Yeah. And I was like, I was talking to her about her, and I'm like, oh, that's so cool. So where's your dad? Yeah. And she gave me the weirdest look, and then you're in the back like going, no, no, shut up. And she's 6 years older.

How old is she?

She's 9. She's 9.

She's 9.

And she's like, Well, this is awkward. That was a really cute response for a situation.

You have that knack of just zeroing in on the one thing you're not supposed to ask. That's my favorite, I guess. But when they're 9, you don't have to do that.

But it was really—

just talk about candy.

It was really cute that this little girl recognized that there was like a problem and that it was awkward.

She's a sharp little girl.

And what did her dad do?

Um, I don't know. I'm not sure. She doesn't have a dad and, and around in her life.

And, and, you know, it's like a really big mystery. So I just shouldn't—

I guess I think it's hard for anybody when they don't have a dad, you know?

Yeah, I guess. I should ask your kids.

You think you'd be fine if you didn't grow up with a dad?

No, I have no idea how I would turn out without a dad.

Yeah, you'd probably be pretty lost.

It's crazy, a lot more people are divorced now. A lot more people are getting— actually, I feel like divorce rates have always been really high, right?

It's 50/50 still, isn't it?

It's always 50/50?

I don't know what it is right now.

Your parents were divorced. Were their parents divorced? No.

No, not at all.

That was probably so long ago. Your parents, your parents' parents were probably still apes. It was before they evolved into humans. Um, they weren't divorced.

Is that an old joke or just my whole family's ugly?

I'm gonna go with old joke. Apes aren't ugly. Apes look like humans, right?

I mean, I, I'm asking. I don't know. I'm pretty nice about everybody.

We have a lot of apes that listen to this podcast. Let's clear things up.

Big Yeah, the Facebook group of apes that listen to Views.

Yeah, big people in the jungle here.

I have a funny email. I have an interesting email. What happened? And usually emails aren't interesting.

Yeah, but I think this is someone offering you a job. Hey, this is fucking crazy. Listen to this. Someone wants to pay me for something.

Instagram stories, $4,000, one tweet. My name is Bailey, so my boyfriend and I have been dating since our sophomore year of high school.

Don't say their names. It doesn't matter at this point.

My name is—

It doesn't matter.

It's too late now. So my boyfriend and I have been dating since sophomore year of high school and now are at an out-of-state college together. We've been together for 4 years and recently his friends have been telling him they don't like me because I keep him from doing stuff like drugs and drinking, so much so they black out. So we have some friends like that.

Yeah, interesting, okay.

I don't like when he does this because I grew up with an alcoholic mother, so it really scares me when he blacks out and does hard drugs. What should I do to make them be nicer to me? They always say I am not fun and I don't know how to handle it anymore. Please help. What do I do? That's tough.

Tough.

The girl doesn't like drinking and drugging and the boyfriend is like 18 and he wants to go out and get sauced.

When your friends don't like your girlfriend, that screws up everything. Like, that's not even— Isn't that everybody? No, no, it's not everybody. But like, I've had friends who are like, I've had friends that where our other friends would be like, "Yeah, I don't like your girlfriend," and then that's it. The next day it's over. They break up. Really? It's like a really big thing. When your friends don't like your girlfriend, dude, it's just like, how do you live with that, right?

Why are you looking at me so hard right now? Oh, moving on.

Don't do that. Don't do that.

It's a joke.

You don't do it. And I like your girlfriend.

I know you do.

I think—

It's a joke.

I think— yeah, okay. Well, yeah, it's gonna get us both fucking decapitated tomorrow.

Probably.

You're a great follower. Trisha, it was a joke.

No, I—

I really like—

You should call this podcast Trisha, It Was a Joke.

We had Trisha and Vardhan, who's a 12-year-old boy. Vardhan was talking so much shit about how he can outeat Trisha. And they had an eating contest. And I don't want to say who won in case we'll ever post it.

Oh, it just went up.

Oh, you posted it? Yeah. Oh, you did. Oh, so it's up. OK, never mind. Fuck me. Vardhan's really— he's a really adorable little— little guy we got, he's 12 years old. What were his teachers telling him the other day?

His teachers were saying that, you know, the vlog is a bad thing for him and YouTubers are bad.

He said, he said we're a bad influence. Yeah, his teachers told him because, um, Vardhan said like a swear word in class and his teacher came up to me, I was like, where did you learn that?

Oh, is that what happened? Yeah.

And Vardhan was like, I didn't learn it, I just kind of know it, like, I don't know. Yeah.

Um, and we didn't learn it from you. That kid was swearing before you met him.

Yeah. And, um, And the teacher was like, is it from those, is it from those, those YouTube friends of yours? And he's like, no. And he's like, well, those guys are bad influences. That's what he said. But, um, but Vardhan's been doing really well. He just— okay guys, Vardhan is this 12-year-old guy, 12-year-old boy we vlog with. He just, um, he just signed up for an app. This is not a promo for this app called Cameo, where you can literally— people pay you for shoutouts. So people pay him $10 And he reads like a prompter, and he'll like shout out someone. So he'll be like, hi Lindsay, thanks for watching the videos, I love you, bye. That's what he does. And he's been on it for a week. Now keep in mind, he's 12 years old. So this fucking really fucked with my mind. He's made $720 in one week. Wow. On an app. His mom is coming to me like, thank you so much, thank you so much. They set up a savings account for everything. He's made over $700 in a week as a 12-year-old boy. So much money when you're 12. Unheard, it's unheard of when you're, when you're 16, 17.

Like, that's so much when you're 12.

It's so much when you're 12. It's like making a million dollars. Yeah. When you're an adult, it is so much money when you're 12. What do you do with that kind of money?

He wants a computer.

He wants a MacBook. But that's just unreal. A 12-year-old. I don't know what the hell I was doing at 12. At 12, I didn't even know I had a penis.

I wasn't making that money when I was 30.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. That's bonkers. Yeah, good for him. Shout out to Vardhan and Cameo. If you guys want a shout out from him, it's— go, go, go hit him up.

It's not just a 12-year-old boy that we hang out with, it's a whole family, and one of the members is 12. Just, just to be clear, if someone's just listening to this podcast for the first time, it's—

we, we, we started with his brother Jonah, who's 20, who's older, and now we're moving to hang out with just Vardhan, actually. We're ending up hanging out with just the 12-year-old more because he's a very interesting kid. And, and Jonah, his older brother, is texting me. He's like, yo, what the fuck's going on? Why aren't you hitting me up anymore? No, no. Well, we— that entire family, everybody in that family is— yeah, the whole family is amazing, um, guys. But you know what else is amazing? 23andMe. It's a DNA testing service that can offer insights into your ancestry, health, wellness, and traits. The 23andMe health and ancestry service includes reports on how your DNA can influence your weight, sleep quality, caffeine intake, sense of taste, whether you are likely to be lactose intolerant, and more. It's easy to do. You simply spit into the tube provided in your 23andMe kit and mail your saliva sample back to the lab— sound it out— to be analyzed. The bitter taste report and sweet versus salty reports— DNA can play a role in determining your food preferences from sweet to salty to bitter. Basically, guys, long story short, 23andMe can tell you more about you than, than you can tell yourself about you. So it'll tell you why you like certain things, what you're allergic to, why, um, why, why certain things affect you the way they do, um, stuff about your, um, sleep cycle. It's, it's really interesting. It's amazing. Um, you can order your 23andMe and Ancestry service kit at 23andme.com/views. That's number 2, 3andme.com/views.

Yeah, I did it with Josh Peck. It was really cool. Yeah, found out all kinds of stuff.

Go check it out. Jason found out that, um, What'd you find out?

I found out I'm part Klingon. What's part Klingon? I don't know.

Oh, part Klingon is like, you're like an alien? Yeah. Nice.

How'd you find that out?

23andMe. Well, I know that, but what was it? What was it in your DNA that connected you to an alien race?

Well, I saw I have this like tiny nub of a tail on the back of my butt. Yeah. It's like this little tail.

Oh, and when you get happy, it sparks up a little bit. I've noticed it.

And I thought everybody had it my entire life. Yeah. And then I was undressing in front of Josh, and he said, yo, bro, there's some—

why did this whack me in the mouth? What is this?

He said, bro, you have a tail.

Yeah, yeah.

And I said, yeah, let me see yours. And he goes, I don't have a tail. And I go, oh, that's awful, I'm so sorry. Yeah. And he goes, no, no, no, no, you're the only one with this little tail.

Fucking Christ.

So I was the oddball. Yeah.

In that situation. How was that? Was that tough?

Yeah, yeah, I went into a dark depression for a couple weeks. It didn't have anything to do with the tail.

Yeah, but anyway, I mean, at least you have one. I should maybe specify, 23andMe will not actually connect you to an alien race. So if you're, if you're getting 23andMe just for the sole purpose of seeing if you're, if you share anything with other life forms out there, it won't tell you that.

They're not there yet. They're not. Hopefully at some point they will be.

But it will.

Right now it's just humans.

It will tell you a whole bunch of other things.

No, it does tell you cool stuff. Like Josh found out he's like, he's like heritage from like Northern Africa.

He's so much more successful than Jason. Just found out that he makes so much more money than all of us.

I was like, this is an odd thing to come up. This doesn't have anything to do with heritage. He goes, yeah, but I just wanted to rub it in.

What were your, what were your ancestors like? Mine?

Yeah. I'm from my dad's Irish and Syrian. My mom is Italian. And Jew, and Polish Jew. Yeah, yeah, I'm a bunch of stuff.

Where, where was like, where was like, where was like the last person born?

I could go down to Cedars-Sinai, see who came out of vagina this morning. Hi, uh, hello Cedars. Yeah, we're looking to find out the last person born. Um, hey, when are you getting your Ferrari?

Yeah, that's just a stupid question. Let's just Hey, isn't that— isn't that crazy though? At one point you were the youngest person on Earth. Right on, dog. That's how you look at things.

Pass me that joint right now.

That should be— that should be your Twitter bio, bro.

What's going on with the Ferrari? I think that's what people want to know.

I should get a Ferrari at this point.

How much money do you have in your bank account right now? Tell us.

Not enough.

Come on, tell us how much you have. I'll tell you. I'll write it down.

That's just $4.

You have more than that?

And yes, I don't have a tail. You have more than that? How do you upkeep your tail?

Joe, can you rub some cream on my tail real quick?

I don't know. I don't check my bank account. This is honest truth. I don't check it.

David doesn't even know how much money he makes on the podcast. We literally be driving sometimes and he'll be like, what am I making right now? And I have tell him, because I like want to buy something.

Like, I want to buy a video game from like the store. Yeah. And I'll be like, Jason, how much do I make a podcast? And then he'll be like, I don't know, maybe $5,000 to $8,000. I'll be like, nice, I'm gonna go buy it. Which, I don't know, I don't know if it's true. I actually have no idea how much we make on these podcasts. Um, I'm assuming it's more because I think we have like 500,000 listeners an episode, which is crazy.

Yeah, we probably shouldn't say how much we make, but We shouldn't, I guess.

Isn't that the whole point of this, is because we're so transparent? That's why people watch this.

Yeah, you make $5,000 to $8,000 a podcast.

How much do you make? $7,000 to $8,000.

More cream, Joe. Um, enough to buy the cream. Sure. No, I make, um, anywhere from $1,000 to— if it's a really good week with a lot of ads, like, yeah, up to $3,000.

Yeah. Um, the answer is I don't know when I'm getting a Ferrari.

What is the—

you know how many times— what's the holdup?

We've got guys, we've gone into Ferrari dealerships all across Southern California, every single one. We walk in and they just roll their eyes every time. I know, because we look like idiots. I know, but David actually does have the money.

I'm being an asshole and I'm not, I'm not pulling the trigger on it. Here's the deal, I'm waiting for the right one. The right one at the right price has to come along and I will snatch it up.

Who— what is it? What does it matter? Get it at the wrong price. Who cares? Isn't it going to help your videos and stuff? Would it be cool in the videos?

I, um, this is what I did. I took— I, I should say this— I took, um, Trisha's Lamborghini out the other day, right? Um, and it was— I, I— we, we went to— we went to an event, me and Heath. It was just me and Heath. Oh yeah. And, um, we got to the event, we valeted the car. Guy's like, this is fucking beautiful car, we love it, so nice. Um, thank you. Um, I went to the party, whatever.

Did you feel cool rolling up in it?

So cool. So I mean, fucking insane.

Did the heads turn?

Heads— yeah, heads turn a lot. Yeah, with the Lamborghini. Okay. And, um, and then I went into the party and, um, and we just sat around for like 20 minutes, whatever. We did our thing, left in 20 minutes.

David's classic move, which is to go to a party for 10 minutes. I don't know if you guys do this at home. David goes to the, the most luxurious Hollywood parties and walks in for 10 minutes and leaves.

Yeah, yeah. So yeah, so we were there for a little bit and then, um, and then I leave and then it's like, it's like it's, it's like hopping into another party. It felt so crazy. It like, it felt different. It was like a new element to going out. Like, it wasn't like, it wasn't like, hey, let's go out, maybe we can find a bar. It was like, it was like, you know, like when you're trying to figure out something to do? Like, we didn't have that problem because we were doing it. Like, when we were in the car and we were looking for the next place to go, it didn't matter that we didn't have a place to go because we were already at that point. We were in the car hanging out, and it was so cool to be in the Lamborghini. It's so cool, and it just added this new element to the night that was just like, we can do whatever we want. And then we went to another bar, stayed there for, I don't know, 7 minutes, and, and we got right back into the car. And the best part was having the valet take the car away and bring it back around. Yeah, see it come back.

Do people say that about my Infiniti? Yes, they do.

I think they do. I think they definitely, they definitely say And you know what it is? Also cops, cops are always asking, they're like, what kind of a car is that? Really? How expensive is the car? And my friend who owns a Jaguar, like a really nice F-Type, he would get pulled over, he got pulled over once just so the police officer can ask him what kind of a car he's driving. Really? Yeah, and like every time he gets pulled over, he gets let off because the cop loves the car. Wow. And you would think it's backwards, right?

Yeah, you would.

You'd think the cop would be like, fuck this guy for driving a nice car. Yeah. But then I think cops have this natural instinct, because I wanted to be a cop as a kid. And I know why I wanted to be a cop. I wanted to be a cop because I like how cool it was, and like driving fast, and breaking rules. And I think there's something about someone owning a supercar that is similar to the dreams of a police officer. So they see themselves in like, they really relate to a person in a supercar and they go, this is what I wanted as a kid, this guy's cool, like I'm gonna treat this guy with respect because this is what I want, you know what I mean?

It's so funny that a cop would pull you over, you think you're getting a ticket and the cop's just like, I was just bored, dog.

We were, we were at 7-Eleven and he like rolled his window down, he's like, hey, come here for a second, what is that car? Explain this to me. Like, this is—

did you think you were in trouble?

No, not at all. No, no, I, um, he asked me, he's like, how much did that car cost? And I go, dude, I would tell you, but I'm so fucked up right now. What did he say? I didn't actually say that.

File that under great things David could have done.

I went inside 7-Eleven, and I'm like, fuck, I should have said it. And then I went back, and I'm like, hey, are you down to be on camera? And he's like, no, I can't. I can't. So I never told him the joke. But yeah, I really wanted to tell him that.

What is holding you back? Hey, we never gave that girl any advice, by the way.

We just blew right by it.

Bailey?

Oh yeah, fuck. Figure it out.

I don't know.

Yeah, it sucks. They go to different schools.

Well, what if, what if she like brought all the drugs to her house and all the booze to her house and was like, guys, and she moderated it?

Yeah, they wouldn't like that because the boys want to be boys by themselves. Yeah, I don't, I don't think you're in the wrong, Bailey. If it's like, if the guy's doing drugs and alcohol and he's like overdoing it, And I think there's a point where you have to kind of let him do his thing. But if it gets to be a problem, that's when you need to step in. You're like, give him an ultimatum. That's actually some good advice. Either I'm going to date you, or either you're going to fix this, or we're done. That's all I have to say. Just let him go. Guys, right now we have Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's part of our podcast. It's where Joe comes in. I give him 25 seconds. Just don't applaud for yourself. Joe, I'm about to give you 25 seconds. Are you ready? Ready. OK, here we go. Joe gets 25 seconds on the clock. Now, welcome back to Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. I just want to bring something up. I called out last week. Nobody did my read. What was that about?

You called out what?

I called out of the podcast.

I was sick.

Oh, he was sick out of the podcast last week and no one read it. I got so many tweets saying, where's Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast? It's the best thing on the Views podcast joint. How many tweets did you get? Like 6.

Yeah, well, it's about as many as I get.

And we're done. That was 25 seconds. Thank you, Joe. You would think that Joe would use his time better.

Yeah, what was that?

He literally just complained.

Also, he did— also, he made no sense with the way he phrased it. I got called out last week. Yeah, which wasn't what he was trying to say. He was trying to say was, he— Joe, you missed me.

You know what's crazy is Joe has— is Joe has all week to prepare for this podcast for a 25-second segment.

Not much.

And he fucking just fucks it up. And this week he had 2 weeks to prepare because he called out or whatever last week. So he had so much time to prepare and it sucked. I mean, but I think that's his plan. I think his, I think his like, his like psyche behind it or his like what he's trying to do is he's trying to make it a shitty podcast. So we talk about it right after because realistically we just gave an extra 4 minutes of airtime just by talking about how shitty the podcast is. I don't know, whatever he's doing, It's working.

I don't give him that much credit.

Okay, we're done. I think he's a straight fuck-up. I'm done talking about Joe because I don't want to give—

that was a classic choke.

I don't, I don't want to—

that was like the guy's at the free throw line, all he's got to do is hit it. Yeah, 2 seconds left.

Have you ever choked like last minute?

All the time. I feel like I've never actually come through.

I'm usually, I'm usually better under pressure.

Yeah, you're good under pressure, and I feel like you are too.

I mean, if you're around, I feel like, I feel like you're better under pressure because, because sometimes we'll have like bits we want to do. Yeah. And you'll be like planning it out. You'll be like, okay, I'm going to say this, I'm going to say this. Like, you'll be in a costume, right? Right. And we'll be going to the airport and you'll be like, oh, I'm going to say this joke, I'm going to say this joke. And I'll always be like, no, no, no, no, stop thinking about it.

Don't think about it.

Because then you'll be like wrapped up around those two jokes.

Right, right, right.

You just won't have fun with it. And like, and you're better, you're better off the cuff all the time, I think. All the time.

Yeah, that's because I have you there though.

You've never, you've never, there's never been a time time where off the cuff has been worse than you going, I got a joke in mind, um, you know what I mean?

Yeah, well, that's because I'm a bad actor, but, um, but yeah, because I have you there to throw ideas at me, it's always better. That's why. But under pressure, I'm trying to— I'm trying to remember. Yeah, it's a beautiful thing that we have, David, you know, when we vlog together and you throw me out ideas. David doesn't get enough credit, really, because I know I'm the star.

No, getting tickets online can be hard. I was trying to pull that ad up faster, trying to cut you off quicker. Guys, next, next promo. This is our second one, or we only have two this podcast, is SeatGeek. SeatGeek! Yeah, SeatGeek is amazing. Um, you can get tickets online because it's already far too complicated.

I just got my AJR tickets out through SeatGeek.

With hundreds of sites and varying levels of reliability, it's hard to know who to trust. That's why SeatGeek is the way to go. SeatGeek pulls millions of tickets into one place so you can easily find the seats you want for a price you're willing to pay. There's nothing quite like being there in person and SeatGeek will get you closer to the action for a great, great value. Great value.

That's great, Bugs Bunny.

It's great. It's designed to make your ticket buying experience easier than ever by searching multiple ticket sites and grading every ticket based on value. SeatGeek helps you immediately identify the best seats that fit your budget. Guys, SeatGeek is amazing. I'm also doing— I'll explain later what I'm doing, what SeatGeek is helping me with. But SeatGeek is amazing. We all have it on our, on our phone. They help me with with all, like, a lot of my vlogs. They've helped a bunch of my friends buy cars. It's, it's incredible. It's incredible. It's incredible. Please go. Please go. If you ever need to buy any tickets for anything, use SeatGeek.

Yeah, it's a no-brainer. You get $20 off.

And I should mention Ian's name, Ian from SeatGeek, because every time I mention it, I feel like he comes back and gives us more money. So, um, our listeners can get $20 off their first SeatGeek purchase. Just download the SeatGeek app and enter promo code VIEWS today. That's promo code VIEWZ for $20 off your first SeatGeek purchase.

You gonna come with the kids to AJR with me?

Maybe. Hold on, let me read this. SeatGeek, life's an event. We have the tickets. And shut the fuck up, Jason.

I got you a ticket.

No, I will come. I love AJR. I do. I want to say this about SeatGeek. I will talk about this on my YouTube channel sooner or later. I'm getting seriously fucked on YouTube. Like, I am officially making the least amount of money out of all my friends. And this is insane. This is a fucking true story. I make less money than all of my friends. And, um, and it's pretty shitty.

It was— it's getting so bad that when we go out, I like want to buy David things.

It's— guys, I, I—

we were gonna go away this weekend and David was literally like, I don't know if I can go.

And this isn't— this isn't— I'm not hurting for money because I still have the merch and I have the podcast and I have all the other things like brand deals I'm working on. But, um, but yeah, YouTube, just YouTube-wise, I am making the least amount of money out of like 6 of my friends, I think. Yeah, which is, which is crazy because I post the most and I— and you have the most views by like, by like 7, by multiplying it by 7.

Yeah, by a lot. You have how many million views a month?

Like 155 million.

And I have like 10.

You have 10 million. And Jason, Jason makes more money than me and he has 10 million views a month.

It's really— I make double than you.

Anyway, this is the idea I had, and I'm gonna explain this on my YouTube channel. And I want— if you guys ever hear it on my YouTube channel, please pretend like it's the first time explaining it because I'm gonna hate explaining multiple times, but I'm selling the first 5 to 7 seconds of my videos to different companies. And so it'll be like, let's say it's Coke. So it'll be like, drink Coke, Coke is the best, Coke available now at your local store. It'll maybe be like a cute jingle with me shot on like a nice camera and it'll be super high definition and fun. And yeah, they'll have the first 5 to 7 seconds of my vlog and they'll pay me X amount of money for it. And I'm gonna start doing this when I sell all my vlogs for the first month. So SeatGeek has already come on board and they verbally agreed to buy all my Monday spots. Oh wow. So yeah, so, so— Congratulations.

Thank you, SeatGeek. Every Monday.

Every Monday for, for the first month. That's great. So now I need a company to come and buy Wednesday and Friday and then I'm, I'm ready to go. And you're good.

Yeah. I have a company and maybe— what are you charging? Jason Nash Industries?

How much you got? Huh? How much you got? What?

I have the tail to consider. You have the tail? I have an operation coming up.

Will you let me stroke it?

Huh?

Will you let me play with the tail while I'm editing?

I mean, you don't have to pay for that.

Um, what would you like me to promote?

Um, I have a line of salad dressing that I'm working on.

You know what we should do? We should start— we should start asking for people to pay us in cash to come on this podcast and just like just pocket all the money. Don't even tell our agents or manager about it. Just fucking pocket it.

Who's gonna pay?

To be on this podcast? Yeah, Trisha.

She's the only one.

How much did she say? She said she'd pay us a couple grand for a couple seconds on the podcast.

Trisha does want to take out ad space on this podcast.

It sounds good.

Joe, I just got a text from Miranda Cosgrove in a group chat with Josh Peck.

How was your day yesterday?

Amazing. I, I got to— I got to reunite— what'd she say? Josh Peck and Miranda Cosgrove.

Was it great?

I mean, it was the best, best day of my life.

I mean, was Josh surprised?

Sorry, I'm reading texts from Miranda and Josh. That's why I'm so sidetracked.

Why did your voice just change right there?

Because this is the best day of my life. Um, no, but it was great. Josh was super surprised. They haven't seen each other in 4 years. They were on Drake and Josh together. Oh, that's funny. Um, 4 years. 4 years they haven't seen each other. Yeah, that's ridiculous. She's 25 now. They met on the show. He was 14, she was 8. She was 8 years old.

Oh, that's wild.

It's crazy.

Wow.

And she knew of Josh before because she was a fan of like— he was doing— I think he was doing All That. Oh no, sorry, he was doing Amanda Show. And she was a fan of Josh, and she was excited just to go in and read with him in the audition.

Oh wow.

And then she got— she booked the role. I mean, dude, we're fucking hitting it off. I think there's gonna be a new show called Miranda and David for sure. Really?

Yeah, a new podcast.

New podcast.

I don't like that.

I think she's my new co-host. Really?

Yeah. And what would happen to me?

Well, you would do have the tailbone to consider.

Well, yeah, that is a big thing in my life that I do need to consider.

Yeah, so maybe, maybe you can just kind of fucking hang out with that and just leave me alone. High school girls may have— this is a funny story. Holy shit. High school girls may have baked grandfather's ashes in cookies, then serve them at school. Wow, it's a California high school. Oh, we should go interview these kids, uh, if they're not in jail. Wow, this girl is going around telling everyone basically at this point that she had bought— she had brought in these cookies to school with human ashes in them. Well, hold on, hold on, hold on. The grandfather's ashes in cookies, that doesn't seem like that much of a crime unless she murdered her grandfather just to put him into these cookies, then, then it's a problem.

Still kind of wrong. It is, isn't it? Poisoning somebody with ash, with human ashes.

Oh, is it poison? Yeah. Oh my God, I feel like once you bake it in, it's like—

I mean, let's interview him anyway.

Yeah, let's bring him on the podcast. Um, and I would think if you're gonna put your— if you— if I was going to use my grandfather's ashes, I would make brownies.

Have you ever—

have you ever baked?

No.

Never. No, no, no. I've actually never seen ashes too. I've never seen an urn. I've never seen some— a human's— how much—

how— I've seen an actual urn being knocked over. Really? Yeah, with human ashes in it, in my grandmother's house.

Who?

Why? Someone just knocked it over, like an uncle. Like, it was—

it was like the uncle— the uncle was in the urn, or who was in the urn?

No, her— I think her grandfather was in the urn. And literally he like knocked it over, like he was like getting old, and it was like, it was like out of a movie. And they didn't think it was funny at all, like no one thought it was funny. And I was like, this can't be fucking happening right now, like this is like a fucking movie. Fucking serious.

Yeah.

What did you—

what happened?

They just swept it up.

They just swept it up, put it right back in. Yeah.

Wow.

I don't get that.

I don't—

if you're gonna, if you're getting cremated, shouldn't you get like your ashes like thrown around somewhere, or literally have someone smoke them or something cool? Like, I feel like keeping them in your house is kind of weird.

It depends where you want to end up, Dave. Yeah, people really liked your, your conversation last week. Oh, they did? Yeah.

Where do you want— where do you want me to put your ashes?

I want to be buried with my kids for sure. So I'm going to get like a— I don't want to be cremated. I want to go into a, uh, an above-ground thing.

I think that's a little selfish. Are you sure your kids want that? I think, I think once you pass away, maybe they've just had enough.

Give them a break. Give them some space.

Yeah, literally give them some space. I think I think you've done enough.

Yeah, I've probably been around so much. I'm waiting for them to be not interested in me anymore.

If you get buried with your kids, where does your ex-wife go? Because then Trisha would get upset if she got buried with your kids too.

Oh, right. I didn't think of that. I have to— I guess we're all going together, I guess.

Trisha will have to be buried with your kids as well if you want to. This is so fucking fucked up to even talk about.

Yeah, I mean, my kid— we're not talking about my kids dying. We're talking about me dying.

No, I know, it makes me so sad. Where do you want to think about you dying? Where do you want to be buried? Damn it, you didn't catch that joke.

I didn't hear what you said.

I'm sorry, I was just joking about how I'd be sad if you died. You'd be sad? No, I'm kidding. I would be sad.

You would be sad?

No, I'd be really sad. I'd be more sad for like your family. Yeah, I'd be sad for your kids.

Okay, you could be sad for you too.

I don't know. No, I would definitely be sad. I'm good, I'm good. I That's not that much sad.

I feel pretty good about it.

No, I'd be really sad. I'd be really sad because I mean, vlogs are tough to do fucking by yourself, dude.

What are you gonna do today for tomorrow's vlog? You're on the grind, dog.

Don't ask me that question, bro. Why not? Because this is a tough question.

Have a little writers meeting right now.

It's Thursday, so let's do college. Oh, got it. Done deal. We're doing this 100%. It's early in the morning. Let's get it done. Let's have you and Brandon dress up as girls and we're gonna try to sneak you into frats.

That bit doesn't work.

It does work.

It doesn't work. We're so clearly guys.

I know, but we'll do a good job this time. Last, last time it wasn't. Let's just please, let's try it. Please, please.

It doesn't work. We still look like guys no matter what we do.

Jason, please, let's try it.

It—

well, this, this—

we don't get in no matter what. They just can see right through it.

Trust me on this, we'll get it done. Guys, that's the next vlog. Be on the lookout for it. Is that it for the podcast?

Yeah, we're getting to the end now. I mean, we're also planning a show in December.

Oh yeah, hopefully. Are we just revealing that?

Oh, we shouldn't talk about that yet.

Okay, there's a possibility that there's gonna be a show. Possibility in LA. Yeah, as a little December show. God, I can't believe we're putting this in. Joe, why are you pointing to yourself? Cut it out. No, fine. Joe will be there too.

You're doing a separate show, I heard. A 25-second show. You guys are opening for me. We're on the main stage. You're on the, the B stage.

That is funny. We should open for Joe. We should, we should headline it as Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast and then, and then have people pay for that, and we're just like, we're just the opening act. That'd be pretty funny. Um, all right guys, well, that's all the time we have. Make sure you guys like and subscribe. Tweet me @David— like and subscribe. What the fuck is this, dude? I'm getting everything mixed up. You're okay. Um, make sure to I don't know, just go buy our stuff. Yes, go, go to whatever. The sending of the podcast is really slow. Okay, we'll see you guys later. We'll see you guys next time. Tweet us, tweet us suggestions, and we'll see you guys later.

Bye.