David Meets His Idol

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason's— I know a lot of podcasts smell like this, or smell like this, I meant to say start like this, but, um, I'm currently sitting in a small room with Jason and his feet smell like he's dipped them into like really, really old cottage cheese and he just kind of let them soak in there for 3 hours.

I had socks on.

I love it. I love when you go— Jason, every time I say his feet smell, he gets so offended. He goes, David, I had such a long day today, I didn't have time to shower. Which I've actually never heard anybody use that excuse.

I'm literally on my way home to shower.

The Rock, The Rock, the busiest person in the world, Dwayne Johnson. I don't think he's ever been like, nope, didn't have time to shower today. He is in 7 blockbuster movies a month.

I bet you The Rock doesn't shower a lot. And that's why we are so successful here, because of me. Not showering. If I went and showered, this would have put this podcast another hour behind. But no, I came from the gym right here. I was on my way home to shower.

You have to rub one off in the shower too? A shower takes 7 minutes.

I have to go to my house. I can't shower here.

Where'd you wake up this morning?

I live, I live 30, 40 minutes away from here.

You live maybe a 3-minute walk away from here. And, and where'd you wake up this morning?

I, I woke up at my house.

Okay, so get in the fucking shower.

I had to, I went to work out. I worked out while you were sleeping because if I don't go work out, then you call me fat. So which is it? Am I gonna smell or am I gonna be fat? I'd rather be called smelly than fat.

Fuck, goddammit, you got me. Well, looks like smelly it is.

I do feel bad about the feet.

Yeah, that's pretty bad.

'Cause you know what? I have these shoes that I really should throw out. This is what happened. I came in here.

Yeah, it is. But you know what, don't even— who cares? I came in, you were asleep. Natalie's like, get over here and do your podcast. And I was like, okay, I'll come, Natalie. I don't know when Natalie became my boss, but she's my boss too now. And I got both of you on me, so I was like, all right, fine. I'm like, I'll come and we'll do the podcast. And I got here, and then I took my shoes off and the socks really smelled.

See, ew, you have them in your pocket.

Hang on. Okay, I took the socks off. I'm like, oh, David's a fucking "These guys are gonna smell these socks." So I took the socks off and I put 'em in my pocket and I was good. I was good, my feet did not smell. Then we tried to record the podcast and I didn't have batteries. I had to go to Walgreens. So I had to put my feet into the dirty shoes again that these shoes need to be thrown out.

Jace, your shoes, your feet smelled before you left to go grab the batteries.

No, they didn't, not like this.

No, Jace, that's when I first brought 'em up.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Okay, well, here's my other problem.

No, I don't care.

I have these shoes.

I understand, the shoes stink. Smell bad, but you love them and you're keeping them around.

Not that I love them. I can't bend down to put my shoes on anymore. These shoes I can slide my feet in, and when I get up in the morning, I'm so old I cannot bend down to tie my shoes. So these are good because I just pop them in.

You are a sad, pathetic guy.

Yeah, I know I'm sad and pathetic, but that's what makes this fucking podcast work.

All right, what's up guys? It's the Views Podcast. I'm David, that's Jason. Um, yeah, you get the— you get the gist of things. I feel like the intro kind of just said it all. Jason's obviously 45.

I'm hiding my feet right now under the couch so they like won't smell.

He's hiding it like under his ass cheeks, like he's sitting— he's sitting on his feet. Like that's gonna make him smell, which I imagine the second he pulls them out it'll be this new smell that I've never even— I've never smelled before.

Ass and feet.

Wow, okay. The other day we were at Jason's ex-wife's place. And what happened with your daughter? I thought that was so funny.

Oh, we were working over there, and then all these groceries got delivered. And she was like, make sure you get the groceries. And then I was looking at the groceries, and I'm looking at my daughter, who's 10, and she's just watching TV. That's all she does. And I had this idea, which was crazy. I go, well, she could maybe put the groceries away.

Sure, because she's 10.

Yeah.

It's about time.

And I went over to her and I was just like, I was like, hey Charlie, I'm like, could you put the groceries away? Like that. And she looked at me like I was asking her to like bury a body. She was like, what? Like she had no concept.

Sure.

Of a chore.

Yeah.

None up to this point. And then she just went like, um, okay, weird. Like that.

Because you spoil her.

Well, what's your definition of spoiled?

6 Apple Watches a month.

I bought her one Apple Watch, and true, she never used it, but the point is—

No, I mean, that's crazy. She should be getting more chores. That was like her first chore in a while. That reminds me of the— have you seen that movie where that guy invents the first lie? It's with Ricky Gervais. Oh, it's so good.

New movie?

Huh?

New movie?

No, it's very old. I don't think it got like the credit it deserved, or at least the idea was good. Maybe the movie wasn't the greatest, right? But it was basically, he's at the bank And everyone tells the truth all the time.

Yeah.

So like people will be at dinner and they'll be like, oh, you look fat today, or something like that. It's basically our relationship. They always say the truth. And then one day he goes to the bank and the woman goes, I'm sorry, sir, but you don't seem to have any money left.

Yeah.

And he goes— and then like something clicks in his head and he goes, that's not true. I have $700 left. And she goes, Oh, well, we might have made a mistake. We're sorry about that. Let's get that fixed right away for you. And then that's where he first invents the lie.

Oh, wow.

And then he gets the money, and it's like a really cool movie. And that kind of reminds me of your daughter, of it clicking in her head, or clicking in your head, like, wait, I should discipline my kids because that's what people fucking do. No, I mean, I don't know. Your kids are turning out fine, which is great. And yesterday we were at his house. And his, his, um, his daughter and his son both brought two things over to sign. Did you know what you were signing? No, I had no idea. I fucking knew it. I knew you were busy. You were— he literally brought over something to sign, and from school, from school, it was like, can you sign this? And, um, and Jason's like, yeah, yeah, sure. I could tell he wasn't looking because he was peeling a clementine at the same time. And he's like, yeah. He grabbed the pen. I don't even think he signed on the proper line. And then, and then Wyatt Wyatt's like, and then also, can you add this thing and write this in? And I don't know what he said, but he was like, there was a mistake because of miscommunicator, or something. Wyatt made Jason write in something that basically sounded like he was saving Wyatt's ass. It was like, and Jason just, why'd you ignore it?

Yeah, I was just like, he's a good kid. He gets all A's. And I'm just like, yeah.

I don't even think you know that he gets all A's.

I've not actually seen the report card.

You just fucking signed that shit.

He's told me many times.

Crazy.

He gets all A's.

They're turning out okay, which is crazy to me, even though they're great.

You love movies with conceits like that. Like, you, you love that, um, that Danny Boyle movie that's coming out about the Beatles.

Oh yeah, there's a movie coming out about the Beatles. Oh, it's the best. It's, um, I had this exact idea like 5 years ago.

Exact.

Now, now with the Beatles, what was it with? It was— okay, well, first of all, the, the new movie that's coming out is, is— sounds so fucking fun. It's basically, everyone knows the Beatles, they're a huge band. But one day everyone's memories get like swiped and no one remembers the Beatles except this one guy. This one guy is the only one that remembers all the songs from the Beatles. He's a failed musician and he just starts singing the songs and writing them as if they were his own. So he comes up, he writes all the Beatles songs in like a week and everyone's like, how the fuck is he coming up with this music? And it's because it's already been written, but everyone's forgotten the Beatles. I love that. Very fucking interesting concept. Yeah, I had that same idea, but it was like— I mean, it's not really an original.

I think in reality, if someone did do that, do you think that they could—

yeah, they could get away with it?

Not that they couldn't get away with it, but do you think those songs would pop like that? Are they that good?

Oh, the Beatles, like without them being the Beatles?

Yeah, like if I sat here and was like, yesterday all my troubles seem so far, would you be like— would you be like Holy shit, Jason.

Yeah, you're incredible. I think so.

You think?

Yeah, especially like, like if you sat down on the piano right now and I didn't know about the Beatles and you went, hey Jude, I'd be like, who the fuck is Jude?

That is not true.

Or like, we're at like your, we're at like your daughter's birthday party and all of a sudden you start going, we all live in a yellow submarine.

Not that one.

I'd look at you and I'd be like, what the fuck?

No, if I said so random, how do you come up with that? If I sat down at a piano and was like, We all live in a yellow suburb. You'd be like, Jason, shut the fuck up.

No, no, there's like a lot of Beatles songs where I'd be like, holy fuck, really? You're outstanding. Yeah, bro, those, those songs, whether they're sung by the Beatles or not, they're really like, they just hit you in the right place. Like, they feel so— they're so gentle but like powerful. Yeah, I don't know.

We've been having some trips lately. We went to Sacramento.

I went to Sacramento.

What'd you think of Sacramento?

There's nothing there. I'm sorry.

I mean, we didn't really check it. We were only there for an hour.

I hate to talk crap about a place. But when we got there, like, there was, um, there was a woman that was like talking to us and she's like, yeah, it's, it's like, it's like the armpit of America. Someone told us that.

Someone who lives there?

Before— no, before we boarded our flight, like, I was talking to her and I was so confused. Um, but I guess— I mean, we went, we went there, we only saw one place, so we didn't see enough. But it's the capital of, um, California. You'd expect there to be more.

It is.

I hope it's the fucking capital because I've been saying this for a while. We could be completely—

I think I told you that, so you might be wrong.

No, it is the capital.

We— it is. We flew up And then we drove back in a span of like 6 hours.

Yeah, the drive back was 5 hours. Natalie drove like 20 minutes and then Jason drove the rest. I remember when Natalie drove. Natalie drove for like 20 minutes and then we had to stop and get gas and like get food. And she was literally, guys, driving for 20 minutes. And it was— and she credited herself as if we had been driving for 4 hours. What did— what would you— what did she do that like—

She drove for like an hour.

Okay.

And then we got there and she's like, someone else take over. And I was like, okay. Okay, and David was editing, so like I took the wheel, and I got in, and Natalie has like turned into David, like becoming very like, come on, let's go now, gotta be now. And I got in the car, and before I could even like push the seat back, because my legs are longer, Natalie was like, go, drive, go. And then like I got on the road, and I was doing like 60, like getting my bearings straight, because I haven't driven a Kia Sorento before. And these guys are like— they were both yelling at me like, go 80, go faster.

Natalie's just in the back of the car. It's like someone's holding a gun up to her. It almost felt like she ate really spicy food and she was just trying to get her words out real quick. Jason, just fucking drive. Just fucking go, go.

Everybody's under a lot of stress because we wanted to get home.

But to her credit, I was too. I was like, Jason, fucking put your foot on the fucking pedal.

He's exactly what you said.

He was driving like like 40 miles at the beginning of the highway.

It was pouring.

It was pouring.

It was pouring, and I was getting my bearings. I was like, I wanted to see if the car was slippery, if the roads were wet.

And then at one point, the windshield wiper stopped working, but it wasn't raining anymore. But Jason's still like— there's still a little bit of drops left on the, like, on the window, but the windshield wiper just stopped working. And Jason goes, guys, guys, the windshield wiper stopped halfway. And like, he— I felt the car slowing down because he was so stressed. And I'm like, Jason, it's not fucking raining anymore. Just go. Um, but yeah, and then my computer died and I was editing and I didn't have a charger, so I just went to bed. So I was sleeping for like 2 hours of the trip.

Yeah. And then David was really nice, actually. It was, it was cool because I was like driving and I was like, you know, feeling good about myself, like, you know, helping the team out, taking us home, you know.

While those guys drove the remaining 4 hours, so he was doing good.

Yeah. And then David woke up at one point, he just goes 'Hey, you good?' Like that. And I was like, 'Oh, oh wow.' I was like, 'Yes, David.' Change your pace here, dude. Be nice. It's like, 'Yeah, I'm good, bud.

Doing better now, David. Thanks, that's what I needed.' It was so nice. Sure.

Yeah, because he was in like some weird sleep.

I felt bad you were driving, and also I was probably just dreaming.

And then a song— and then I had to keep myself up because I was like kind of falling asleep, and a song came on, and David woke up and he goes, hey, can you, um, can you please turn this song off? Just change the channel. I don't want to hear this song.

What song was it?

It was How to Save a Life by, um, I don't know who sings it, but you know, how to save a life. And then I was like, I was like, oh, that, that song must have meant something to you?

Sure.

Did something happen?

No, you don't have to tell me, but no, it wasn't How to Save a Life.

Oh, it wasn't?

No, it was Bad Day by Daniel Powter. Or if it was How to Save a Life that was playing, yeah, then I probably thought it was Bad Day by Daniel Powter. No, it definitely was— I love How to Save a Life.

No, because I wrote it down in my notes to bring up on the podcast after you fell asleep.

No, I love that song.

I was like, why the fuck is David afraid of How to Save a Life? Well, anyways, I, I love that song too. Yeah, so we're good.

You're probably just like, wow, something really fucked up happened to David.

The whole drive, the rest of the drive, I was What happened with that song? Did you have a friend commit suicide?

No, no, no, no. It wasn't that. It was Bad— I'm really scared of the song Bad Day by Daniel Powter because I used to— that's the only superstition I've really brought back with me from when I was younger that I still have. I used to listen to it when I was like 12 and like 14. And there was 3 times in a row that I listened to it where the next day I had a bad day. So I just stopped. And it's the only song where I know every single lyric to, and I really love listening to it, or at least I used to. Yeah, because, um, because I just know all the lyrics. I could sing along to it, but I can't listen to it anymore. I refuse.

You think something bad will happen?

I haven't heard in a couple years. Yeah.

Wow.

Because like, because before, like, back, like, back in the day, bad days were like I'd get like a bad grade on a test, or like I'd get in a fight with a friend. But like, now I'm scared to listen to it because I can't imagine what a bad day is now.

If you told me to turn off Bad Day by Daniel Powter, I would have been like, you fucking pussy, like, what? Because it's just a silly song. It's like, you had a bad day.

It's so—

but How to Save a Life, that's got some weight behind it. That's like—

I love that song.

I love that song.

That song's incredible. Yeah. No, I mean, it's—

I was, I was at my house last week and, uh, just sleeping. And, um, I heard knock, knock, knock at like 5:15 AM.

Yeah.

And, um, I got really scared because someone was knocking at my door.

Yeah.

You know, and, uh, and Todd wasn't home, so I was like, oh God, I don't have anyone. Got really scared. And then, um, it was you.

It was me. I, I was editing the vlog. It was like 4:45. I— it was at 5 minutes and I needed to cut it down to 4 minutes and 20 seconds, and I had no fucking idea to cut out. So I was like, fuck it, I'm going to Jason's. So I drove her to Jason's. It's like 5, 5 o'clock in the morning, and, um, and I felt so bad. And I was like, Jason? And I knocked on the door. I stood out there for like 7 minutes, and I was really scared. And then, uh, and then you came—

What were you scared about? Was he gonna yell at you?

I, I just know you have to wake up at 6:30 for your kids.

Yeah.

So I'm like, yeah, yeah, I fucking do.

Yeah, I do.

So I was like, fuck, if I wake him up now, it's gonna fuck him up during the day, and then I won't be able to shoot with him later. Yeah, I was really worried about myself.

Yeah, I know, no, I know.

I was like, is this gonna affect me later? Um, no, but you were really scared when you were answering the door.

So then, and then my next move was, I knew it was you.

Yeah.

So I was like, all right, I called you and I was like, are you out front? He's like, yeah, I need you to look at this. And then I go, are you gonna shoot me with a paintball gun? And he goes, no, no, I just need you to really, for real. I'm like, really? He's like, yeah, I'm not gonna shoot you, I promise.

Sure.

And then I looked through the people and he had both, he had his like laptop open.

I had my hands up and his hands and he was holding a laptop.

So just to say, like, I'm not gonna shoot you.

Yeah. And then I came in, Jason was in his underwear, and there's something so gross about when Jason's in his underwear because it's not— it's not like a normal person being in their underwear. Like, he wears, like— so he doesn't wear, like, what are the tight briefs? Briefs are like the tighter ones.

Yeah, they're not tighty-whities, they're boxer briefs.

Yeah. So yours are like really loose, and like, there's something so weird about seeing Jason's. They're not— wait, what are the tight boxers?

Boxer briefs?

No, there's tight ones and there's loose ones.

Well, those are— boxers are loose.

Oh, okay, so you were wearing boxers?

No, I was wearing boxer briefs.

Holy fuck. Okay, so Jason is trying to tell me that he was wearing the tight underwear, but Jason wears his underwear for so long that it just gets so loose. It's like, you know, if you wear—

where is it loose, in the butt?

Just everywhere. So, you know, like if you wear an old pair of— if you wear jeans for too long, they just start to feel like sweatpants? Yeah, that's why you're— that's what your underwear looked like. It was like It was like you've been wearing them for 7 days and they were just getting crinkled everywhere.

Yeah.

And like, I could, I could, you know what, I could, I could see, I could see the smell. I didn't smell anything, but I could see it. I'm like, wow, I know if I take one step closer, these things are gonna fucking hit me. It's gonna punch me in the face.

Then I looked at David's vlog and it was, it was all perfect. It was just like, yeah, 20 seconds too long. And I was like, oh, just take this.

Yeah, I had to take out one part and it was really easy and I took it out.

And then I woke up the next day and I was drinking my coffee and I was like, man, I had the craziest dream David came here last night.

Yeah.

And then I was like, oh no, he did.

Jason, Jason had a dream. Jason called me, he's like, did you come over here last night or was I dreaming? Um, are you superstitious?

Me? Yeah, pretty superstitious. I mean, not, not— I don't— like, if I see a black cat in the street, I won't, I won't cross its path.

Are you dumb? A black cat? Yeah, I guess I'm—

I'll turn around.

I guess I'm scared of Bad Day by Daniel Potter. Yeah, the black cat isn't that much dumber. Um, You'll turn around?

Yeah, I've turned around.

Like, if you go to the grocery store and you see a black cat, you just won't go to the grocery store?

I'll go a different way.

Are you serious?

Yeah, stop the car middle of the road, turn around, and go back. It's just like something from when I was a kid. I mean, why chance it? You know what I mean?

Why chance it? Has it ever— have you ever done it and it's brought you bad luck?

I mean, look at my life. I mean—

Oh, so you must have driven by like 3,000 black cats when you were younger. Wait, did your mom do it too?

Yeah, my mom would do it, and that came from my grandmother, it was a really old world. And, um, or like if you drop salt, if you spilled salt, yeah, you gotta throw it behind your shoulder.

Oh, I don't do that. Do you do that?

Um, I haven't spilled salt.

I like walk under a ladder, no problem.

Oh, you were brave, dog.

Oh, you would have—

you'll walk under a ladder?

Yeah.

Are you crazy?

Open an umbrella indoors? I'll open an umbrella inside under a ladder if I have to.

Really?

While petting a black cat.

Wow.

Yeah, but the only thing I am superstitious about is like the Daniel Potter thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, and you put your— don't you have to like touch stuff 5 times or something?

No, no, not anymore. But when I was a kid, I used to like— a lot of people actually used to do this— is like I would be sitting in the classroom. I'd be like, OK, if I don't ask a certain question right now or if I don't walk over to that garbage bin and touch it, I'm not going to be a professional tennis player when I grow up.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. You told me this.

Yeah, so that was like something weird. Like I told, I told you, like, one of the—

I guess you missed it, huh? I guess you missed some stuff that you didn't touch. Well, no, you're not a professional tennis player.

Yeah, um, yeah, no, I— but I, but I, I used to group it in with multiple things, so it used to be tennis player or, or very wealthy. So I used to do like both.

And so maybe you did get it.

There was one night that was like, there was a shooting star, there was like a bunch of shooting stars. I think I talked about is there's a bunch of shooting stars that were out and my parents woke me up at like 4 AM to go look at these shooting stars. And I looked out the window and I think I saw like 10. And I made 4 wishes on all of the 10 stars. And I was like, I wanna be a tennis player, I wanna be an actor, and I wanna be rich. And yeah.

And this was just this one night.

One night and I made all these wishes on these stars. And then I went back to bed and I felt so fulfilled. I'm like, yes, I did it. 'Cause these shooting stars, they never happened or something. Like it was very rare.

Right. We saw some lightning the other night.

Oh yeah, we saw lightning, which is very fucking rare.

Where— don't— I always think I'm gonna get hit. What would that be like? Did you just die?

I don't know. There's people that get hit by lightning a lot, right?

What happens?

I think you just— you just get the ability to fly or like become invisible.

Maybe let's not put that out there for the young— younger kids.

It can't be a bad thing. I'm sure— I'm sure it feels great. I'm sure it's like a really big taser. Oh wow, no, it actually must be like—

it's—

I just realized it's fucking lightning.

It's probably awful. Why can't it strike twice in the same place?

I don't know, is that true or did someone just say that?

I guess— I guess the laws of probability—

that's— that's— I think that's all it is. It's all it is. It's not probable for it to strike in the same place.

Hmm, well, this podcast is fucking great every week and it strikes in the same place because we fucking talk about the same things.

Multiple times, so we definitely strike at the same place. I don't know, have you ever had anybody be hit by lightning?

No.

No, yeah, me neither. I don't know.

Hey, are you doing something really cool in New York in May?

What? Why are you saying it like I am?

Oh, I thought you were.

No, what am I doing?

Oh, I better not say.

Was it an interview for a newspaper?

No, aren't you doing like something with your merch in May?

Oh yeah, I'm doing a pop-up shop.

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know if I want to talk about it.

My God, you made it sound like I'm fucking getting an Oscar.

Remember yesterday we were with that famous actor and he goes— that woman stops him and she goes, she goes, thank you, thank you for your service and all you do. Yeah, she didn't say service, but she thinks she said thank you for everything you do.

Yeah, yeah, we were with John Stamos. Yeah, and she's like, thank you for everything you do. John's like, oh my God, I wasn't in the war. She was like, she was a FedEx woman and she And it was so great because she drove, like, we were on the Warner Brothers lot and these people were screaming because they saw John or whatever, like all these fans were screaming. And this woman drives by and she asks me, she's like, "Why is everybody screaming?" And I go, "John Stamos." And she goes, "Oh, okay, okay." And then John comes up right behind me and she goes, "My God. Dear God." And then she had to hop out of the car to thank him for everything he's done. Yeah, he's like— she's like, I love you so much. All I do is watch television, and I appreciate everything you've done.

Thank you.

And John's just like, what the fuck? I haven't— I haven't done that much. But— but he's really appreciative. He's really— he's— one thing about John, he's really sweet with people that meet him. He gives everybody like— yeah, he's so— he's so great about it.

Yeah, we were talking about that yesterday. Like, he like—

he loved—

yeah, he meets everyone's expectations. Yeah, like people are expecting like a certain thing from him.

Yeah.

And he's like, he's gives it to them.

Yeah, 100%.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, like, even if someone asks him like a question about like Full House, like, he won't be annoyed or anything. He won't turn it down. He'll like play along with it. Like, someone asked him yesterday like, like, uh, where's Michelle? And, and he goes, oh, uh, Daddy's babysitting her. Like, he'll just like, he'll just like play along with it and like go back into his characters. Taylor Swift's alleged stalker was arrested again. Oh man, that's fucking crazy. Roger Alvarado, 23, climbed a ladder and smashed a glass door to get inside the pop star's house around 2:30 AM. Oh my fucking goodness, so scary. Oh my God, he attempted to remove property inside.

Have you ever had a stalker?

Oh my God, he was, he was arrested again for breaking into a New York City apartment for a third time. Oh my God, how does someone— how do they let that— how do they let that happen? Also, Taylor Swift, does she not have security, right? How does someone break it 3 times? Oh my God. No, I've never had like a stalker. No, no, never. I don't think anybody would do that. That'd be crazy. Because I feel like— like, I, I understand why people like Taylor Swift have stalkers, because they're like so untouchable. And like, but like me, like, I'm pretty— like, if you want to— if you want to stalk me just follow my Instagram stories and watch my vlogs and you'll see literally every move I make.

Yeah, yeah.

But like Taylor Swift, you'll see her once a year put on a show and then you'll never hear from her again, right? So I feel like people like— people like need to like see her more, so they'll like go out of their way to like do fucking crazy things. But no, I think also too, like musicians, like they like—

they like strike a chord with people. Yeah, they really attract the crazies.

Yeah, yeah, 100%. Um, no, when I heard Bad Blood, I was like, have you ever had a stalker?

Me.

Um, better question, have you ever been a stalker?

A couple times. I've worked, uh, I used to, um, the closest I've ever been to a stalker is like just when I was like really in love with someone and they didn't love me back.

Oh, well, this is serious.

Yeah.

Oh, what did you do?

I mean, I'd like, I'd drive by their house maybe.

Are you serious?

Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Who, where, when?

I was in love with this girl in college and she, she dumped me and then And then like, um, and I would— yeah, I would like drive by her house because she lived with like a bunch of friends, and I— and then I lived with my friends, and then I would like just drive by, be like, see like who was over there or whatever. Wait, I wasn't dangerous, and I didn't like go up to the window or anything. You never did that? You never broke up with someone and you were sad so you drove by their house?

No, that would make me more sad. Yeah, yeah, that'd make me so sad.

It probably—

why?

Yeah, I mean, I guess I wouldn't do it now.

Why did you do that? And did you— did you like stop Um, maybe.

Yeah, maybe I would just like stop, pull over, and maybe, and like, you know, maybe like put on your eyes. I had a package to deliver.

You've never gone anywhere like that, right?

No, no, no, no, I would never do that. I think that's so funny too. Like, I've— any, any woman I've ever been with, I've always had this conversation, which is like, they'll be like— and I hope this isn't just specific to me— but at some point they'll go go, you're not gonna kill me, right? And then I go— and then I've had it literally with every girlfriend, or even my ex-wife, and I'd be like— and then I say, I'm not like that. Which, you know, I'm not. Sure. But, and, and then— but I, I— and I don't think, like, I give off, like, a violent vibe or anything. I think literally every woman kind of in the back of her mind thinks, like, maybe this guy's going to kill me.

100%, right? I mean, you definitely give off like— you don't give off like violent vibes. Yeah, but you give off like not stable vibes, like accidental murder vibes. Like, like, like, like you don't know what's best for you type of vibes. Like you did it on accident, right? And you're going to be like, like, who is it? Lenny from, from that, from that guy.

Mice and Men.

From Mice and Men.

Give off a Lenny vibe.

Yeah. Who like accidentally kills like the bunny. Yeah, because he chokes it too hard. That's the type of vibes you give off.

Like, especially now with the extra weight I have on me.

Yeah.

Um, I mean, I don't know, I think that's a funny— I think that's just a funny conversation. My ex-wife used to say that to me. She's like, she's like, just do me a favor, like, just don't— just don't ever kill me. For the kids, for the kids. I'm like, I'm like, what? I'm like, I would never. I'm like, have I ever laid a hand on you? Have you ever done anything?

She's like, no, I know you haven't, but like, just a serious conversation that happened with your wife.

My ex-wife, yeah.

Oh my God.

Yeah, like, she's like, just don't. And I'm like, what, what kind of thing is that to say to me? She's like, no, I know, I know you like wouldn't kill me. She's like, but like, I watch a lot of 48 Hours and stuff, and you see like there's a lot of like husbands.

You make those TV shows too?

Well, she doesn't make those, but yeah, she makes SWAT. She makes SWAT. But, but, but that, that concept of like that, to someone have to say that to me is so scary.

Sure.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. I don't know, there was a, there was a, um, some of my friends in, in high school had like people that were very like stalkerish.

Yeah.

And I used to have one of my girlfriends would always— a friend that was a girl, she broke up with her boyfriend and he'd show up to her house every day asking to speak to her mom and just be like, I've made a mistake. And it was like, it was constant. It was really—

did he end up doing anything?

No, nothing. But I mean, it got like, I mean, it got really scary.

Yeah, and there's nothing you can do because it's like, well, he hasn't broken the law yet.

You know what the best is, is like when you like, when you're like really close friends with someone and you go through their texts. Yeah, about like when they're like talking to like a girl. Yeah, like it's just like, it's not the best because it's actually like really like bad and you shouldn't do it. But like I remember I'm like, I'm like really snoopy and I was as a kid, like as a kid, like I like, I would always read my friend's text but like in front of them. Like I wouldn't like go behind their backs.

Sure.

But like One time, like, I was reading my— like, my friend handed me his phone because he wanted me to look at like some article or something, and then like a text popped up and I just went through the messages and it was him talking to a girl, and I dropped the phone and I was like, dude, I did not know you were like this. Like, it was like— like when like a guy talks to a girl, it's like so different. Like, he was like, uh, you look the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. Like, he was like talking all mushy-gushy and like We were young, so I like, I've never seen this in my life, right?

You don't know that side of him.

Yeah. And I was like, I didn't— I felt like I didn't even know my friend. And like, I felt like I was being cheated on because this guy was talking to this girl like, like, like, I just want to spend every night with you, like all this. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? And like, I got angry. And like, then I went to go tell my other friends. I'm like, yo, fucking Alex is fucking weird. Let's not hang out with him anymore.

And because he told this girl he loved her.

No, I mean, I don't know. I was, I was a fucking little kid, so I was like really like really weird about it.

Well, it's funny when like you find out that your friends are like having sex and you're not, and it's like, oh yeah, that wasn't with my friend group. I remember like being like, like, oh well, because you know, like, you know, they're gonna go have sex, and you're like, oh really?

Oh wow, they have sex?

Like, yeah, like, well yeah, I have sex with Michelle. And you're like, okay, I guess, uh, oh, that's weird. I'm the only one here.

Were you the last person in your friend group getting anything.

Yeah, yeah. And I used to hear stories about like— I was friends with like all the athletes, but I wasn't an athlete. And then I would— they would, they would come in on Monday the next day and they'd be like, like, oh my God, we all got blowjobs in the same room Friday night. Yeah, like, and I was like, oh cool, that's awesome, you guys. Yeah, I was home watching Knots Landing with my, my mom.

All my friends were the same, so none of us got laid, so that was never a problem.

Oh really?

Yeah.

Oh my God, I was friends with the biggest assholes. Oh, the biggest.

I mean, I heard like, like friends outside of my group would like tell me that they were getting laid, but they weren't close enough to me where it would bother me. Uh, they were just like, I had this one kid who was like, yeah, I had sex with Tiffany in the morning. Yeah, right before, before school. And I was like, before fucking school? And he's like, yeah. And then I got home from after school and Rachel came over and I had sex with her. And that story like stuck with me for like maybe 2 years of my high school life, and I would tell it to other people, and people would think I was kidding. They'd be like, there's no way that happened. There's no way this guy had sex with 2 different girls in one day. Uh, and like, yeah, stories like that would be fucking insane. But none of my friends would have sex. None of my friends were even like making out with anybody.

We had a— we had a kid in school, his name was Garth Temple, and he didn't give a fuck about anything. He was Garth Temple, really good looking. Skinny, like kind of muscular, but like didn't play sports. They wanted him to, you know what I mean? But he was like, fuck that.

Oh, I know those kids.

And, and didn't give a fuck about school. Wasn't mean to anybody. You could not— it wasn't a bully, but if you fuck with him, he beat the fuck out of you.

Oh yeah.

Didn't say much, probably just like— I think he just like smoked pot every day. But one time it was so goddamn funny, like we go into class, it's like a history class, and I'm in the front row, you know.

Sure.

So And we got a test, and he— all the tests are passed forward. I just saw his, and it was like, you know, like, who was the fourth president of the United States? Like, fuck you, I don't care. You know, like, wow, who signed the Declaration of Independence? No idea, fuck off. Like, he literally answered tests like that. I was like, wow.

What does he do now?

No idea.

He probably owns like UPS or FedEx. Probably.

Yeah, he changed his name to Jeff Bezos.

Bezos. Bezos. Is it Bezos or Bezos? I don't know.

Bezos.

Regardless, he's a very wealthy man.

Who's your favorite? Who's your favorite celebrity? If you have—

oh, I was just thinking about this the other day. I feel like there's no celebrity that I could hang out with and just stare at in complete awe. Like, do you know what I mean?

Well, yeah, that's probably good. Why would you just stare at somebody?

Like, there's not like a Kate Upton I would stare at. Yeah, I understand that, but there's no celebrity where like, like, um Like, I would meet them and I would just be like, you have done so much for me. Like, I don't have that. I don't have that individual. Like, I don't have someone that— I don't have a celebrity that's like shaped my life.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Like, I feel like most of my life was shaped by like my homeschool, like hometown friends, my homeschool friends, my siblings. Um, but my, um, yeah, like, like everything was shaped by like, by like my teachers and like my friends in school. No celebrity really had like an impact on me where if I met them, I'd have to tell them what impact they had.

Right. I'm trying to think.

Other than literally like maybe Josh Peck, but like there's no one like— like maybe Johnny Depp because I really love Pirates of the Caribbean, but like—

Right.

But like no one like— you have changed like— you like— you probably have someone that's like, you got me into comedy. Like watching you is what made me like— right? Do you have someone like that?

Um, yeah, like Dave Chappelle. I love so much. If I could spend time— if I could spend like an evening with him. But the thing with celebrities—

He's the one that got me into YouTube.

You know, right? You probably is, you just don't know.

Yeah, yeah, but there's—

yeah, you don't like get to credit them. Who's like a YouTuber you watch back in the day that you love?

I watched, um, I watched— it's so crazy because like, um, like I actually ran into one of the YouTubers I used to watch, um, and I used— he's a video game YouTuber. I used to watch him all the time when I was like a kid, and I ran into him at a party and I was like, where do I know you from?

Right?

And he's like He's like, I'm XJaws. And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? You're XJaws? And I used to— and he stopped posting like 5 years ago. He just like went off like the map completely, like just stopped posting on social media.

Was he big?

Yeah, he was big at the time. Yeah, yeah. And I haven't seen like anything from him. And I took a picture with him. I'm like, can I please have a picture with you so I can send to my friends?

Yeah.

And he's like— and it's so crazy because now, now he knows of me Like, he watches my videos, and he was surprised that I watched him at one point, which is so crazy because I grew up on this guy.

So there you go, X-Files.

Yeah, yeah, but I'm talking about like, there's no like, there's not like, you know, like, like when people meet Martin Luther King, like back then, they would be like, you fucking, you have done it. Yeah, you know, there's no one that like that I could think about like that. Like, even if I met like Barack Obama, like I fucking love the guy to death, right? But like, I don't know, I like, I don't know what I would say, you know what I mean?

I think you'd be probably be pretty in awe if you met him.

Yeah, I'm sure I'd be in awe.

But celebrity is a weird thing because it's like, it's so hard to, to get that, get away when you met them.

It's weird when you met a couple big ones, you realize that they're all people. I don't know why that's still a fucking— that's still crazy to me because every time I think of celebrities, I think of they're not really humans. Yeah, they're kind of like, they're like, they're like these big characters, but they're literally just— I, I know I've said this before and I sound like an idiot because obviously they're just people, But like, when you hang out with them, you really do realize these people are people, and you start to feel like so bad for any time you've ever heard anybody talk shit about them. Yeah, like, like, I've even— I've hung out with YouTubers that everybody, like, not everybody, but like people don't like, and then like, and then like I'll see the real side to them, and like maybe they didn't like their Vines because they weren't funny or anything, right? But then you hang out with them and you're just like, these people are just people. Like just trying to have a good time and make money, and people are literally telling them to kill themselves because they hate their videos.

I know.

And you're just like, that's so fucked. It's so fucked. And like, the nature of like, of like all the people that like, like, I hate the people that like, that watch our stuff and talk shit about creators. Like, I hate that. Like, I hate, like, I, I don't know, like there's, there's people that like, there's like some followers that like that like love watching people and also love hating on people. And I think that's so fucked up.

I hate— my biggest pet peeve is when someone writes something nasty and then they come back like the next video and they're like, hey, I was in like a bad mood the other day, I said some really bad stuff, and I don't know why I said that. And you're just like, oh my God, like, like that, that could have sent me on like a downward spiral for like a week, you know what I mean? Like, you mean like I just—

oh, like when someone leaves a comment for you?

Yeah, like they'll leave a comment and then like they come back and apologize and it's like, well, it's too late. Oh yeah, you know what I mean? Like, like, don't do that. No, why did you do that, bro?

It's crazy. You don't— you do not understand. Like, you don't get— like, like these, like these big celebrities, like they do see like a lot of the comments, especially the social media ones. Like any, any celebrity that's like heavy on social media, they see all of your fucking comments. Yeah, like they, they go through the comments. I don't know people that don't go through comments. Yeah, everyone goes through comments. They see your fucking comments. So when you comment, you've gotten really fat and ugly, and like it's coming from a stranger, that fucking— that's fucking crazy.

It hurts.

Yeah. And it's like— and I don't know, I don't know why it's taking me so long to realize that, like, that, like, there's other people on the side of the screen. Yeah, but I've really realized it now.

Yeah, the first time I got a comment hit me like a ton of bricks. Yeah, I got a negative comment, I was like, yeah, because I used to tweet things before I did this. I would like, I would tweet things about people.

Oh, me too. I used to.

Yeah. And I was just like, why, why did I do that?

I used to get blocked by like, by, by like Viners all the time. I used to— not all the time, I got blocked by 2 Viners. And like, I would just— because I'd made— I make a Vine, I'd be like, fuck this guy, his videos suck. Like, it's like, I would get so pissed pissed. And it was like, part of— part of it was like jealousy, and part of it was like because I genuinely thought his videos were horrible, right? But like, but then I came to realize is like, he's not making those fucking videos for me, right? Like, he's making those videos for younger kids who are genuinely enjoying the stuff he's putting out. So I should keep my mouth fucking shut.

Have you ever had— it's like you talk like shit about somebody, then you like meet them in person? Has that ever happened to you?

Yeah. And, and what happens? Well, I'm like, I'm just completely fucking I'm really sorry for what I said. Like, a lot of people like—

oh, you did do that.

You know, I'll say this, a lot of people like to, uh, hate on Lele Pons.

Sure.

Like, a lot of people like to give her like a hard time, but like, I hung out with her and she's—

she's—

we hung out with her.

Yeah, she's great.

She's great.

Really great.

She's— she's like a girl that has an actual like personality.

Yes.

And not a lot of girls have personality. And like, and like, and not a lot of girls like that. Yeah.

Yeah.

And, and it's— and it's so— it's so like shitty to see that like some people like will leave hate comments about her when she's literally a regular girl just making videos. And she's just making them because she thinks they're fun. That's the only reason. And people give her so much shit. And I don't know. That's really bizarre to me. And maybe the Lele Pons video isn't there to make you laugh, but it'll make a younger kid laugh.

Or someone your age.

I don't watch The Wiggles or Sesame Street and go, fuck these guys. These guys are 40 years old and they're idiots. The song Fruit Salad is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard. You don't do that because they're the Wiggles, and you understand that they play on PBS Kids, and that's why they're there, because they're there for kids. But the problem with the internet is everyone's content is on the same page. Everyone's uploading it onto YouTube, or everyone's putting it on Vine. So it's all mixed. So NBC, PBS Kids, Disney Channel, They're all thrown into one feed. So when an older person just got done watching a news article about how Barack Obama just saved a bunch of kids, and now it's a new video about a boy trying to hit on a girl, they're confused. And they're like, I don't want to fucking see this fuckboy. Do you know what I mean? But I don't know. I'm kind of getting lost because I'm not like—

No, you're not. You made your point perfectly. It's like you wouldn't just go to Disney Channel.

Yeah, the internet doesn't filter your videos. They don't go, yeah, these are— these— this is for young kids and this is for you.

Yeah.

Um, and that's why it's supposed to—

sometimes it does, but most of the time it doesn't.

And that's why a lot of people get hate because they'll come across a video— like, if the Wiggles were making stuff now, they'd get so much shit because everyone'd be like, what are these guys doing? But they're not making it— they're not making it for, for the high schooler, you know.

Or the Wiggles still make music.

I know, but if they, if they just started and they just started posting on Instagram, oh, people would be like, what are these fucking grown men doing? But it's— I don't know. That's what bothers me.

I saw The Wiggles once.

I did too. I saw them in concert.

Oh, you did?

Yeah, I love The Wiggles. I actually did a presentation on them. I did a— Yeah, I did Fruit Salad. I sang it in front of my classroom. Yummy, yummy.

Yeah.

Fruit salad, yummy, yummy. Yeah, I don't know. Moral of the story is there's people behind the screen, and if you don't like someone's content, then just fuck off. Just fuck off. Get the fuck out of there. Go make your own shit. I also hate the people that make fun of people and that don't make their own shit.

Right.

That bothers me a lot.

Yeah, that bothers me too.

Don't just make fun of people. Go, go prove your worth and go make your own videos. Yeah, because it's fucking hard.

Make your own movie. People give me shit about my movie. I'm like, well, where's your—

give you shit about your movie? Yeah, fuck, that's so— that's this person.

This person I know really well.

Really?

I do a podcast with.

What a dick. Yeah, and he just blatantly makes fun. Does he have a movie himself?

He hasn't made one yet.

Well, he has no room to talk. You tell him.

I'll let him know when I see him.

Um, no, but your movie's different. It actually sucks. No, I'm kidding. No, but—

Well, that's it, I guess. Oh, you know, we don't have any ads this week. We're sorry, guys.

Guys, we had no ads this week. And also, fun fact, this was our second time recording this podcast.

Oh yeah.

Because we recorded it last night. That's why this is uploaded late. We recorded it last night, and we went to put it in, and the audio was completely fucked up. So we were just so angry, at least I was, and I couldn't do it again. So we waited till the next morning, because we had an entire— imagine having a conversation with Jason for 40 minutes and then someone coming to you and being like, hey, you have to do it again. It really fucking ticks you off.

It was a good podcast.

And that's— it was a real— our last podcast that we recorded was fucking great. I was so excited about it. This was fine too. But yeah, and that's why Joe's teeny weeny podcast wasn't here, because he couldn't make it today, which is probably a blessing.

Yeah.

So I'm glad we had to redo it. But yeah, OK. Go buy our merch.

Yeah, I'm gonna be— I'm gonna be in, uh, Irvine, California on April 7th. Yeah, I'm gonna be there.

Oh wow.

Yeah, at the Improv.

Cool.

So come see me there.

Maybe, maybe I'll— maybe I'll stop by.

Just kidding, I'm not telling you.

Okay guys, uh, my name is Jeff. We'll see you guys later. Bye. Follow me on Instagram, trying to get 10 million. Bye.