David Gets Drunk

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Viewzzz.

Oh no, David's possessed.

No, no, everything's OK. I'm just trying to buy some time, um, because I know how hard it is for us to fill up this fucking podcast.

Smart.

I hope you guys enjoy. Uh, let's roll the intro music. Hey guys, so this is the Viewzzz Podcast. I'm David. That's Jason over there. We host this thing together. Jay, what's up?

What's up, Dave?

So good to see you.

I have so much to talk about.

You look great. I haven't seen you in a while. People keep calling me, they're like, how's David? And I go, I don't know, and I don't care.

Why don't you ask me about me when you call?

You don't know how many people call me about you.

Do they? Yeah.

Oh yeah, all the time.

What do they say?

Madison Beer. They call me about Madison Beer. So it's just a lot of parents that want me to hook them up with Madison Beer. Is there any way she can come perform?

Yeah, my kid didn't have a graduation.

Yeah. Oh, they lay that on real quick. Grandma's Wrapped in cellophane. Can you come by? She's on her deathbed. Stuff like that.

I went to go visit my family and my friends in Chicago.

Yeah, I was wondering, what did you do? Did you, like, stay with your parents?

Yeah, I was with my family and I was with my friends one night. It was nice. It was really fun. It was a good time. Well, actually, let me backtrack of how it happened. Everyone's been trying to get me out of the house. Like, they're like, come on hikes with us. And this whole pandemic has made me the biggest homebody of all time. I'm not exaggerating. I mean, you can attest to this.

Oh yeah. Sloth.

I don't go out.

Sloth-like.

I don't go out. I've genuinely stayed in like, like so much.

Like, nor do you need to because you have Taylor that helps you, brings the food right to your bed. You don't have to leave your room, right?

I don't, I don't move. I don't move. And I sit. And so like Ilya and Natalie were trying to get me to go on this hike and they're like, come on this hike with us, please. And I'm like, guys, I don't know what's going on. I don't know why you're begging me so much to come on this fucking hike. Is there a surprise for me when I get there? And I'm like, I'm not going. That's final. Like, it's period. I'm going to stay here. I'm tired. And then Ilya, Ilya says the stupidest thing ever. He goes, if you don't come on this hike, I'm flying back to Chicago right now.

Deadass.

And it was so fucked up. It was so fucked up.

And I was like, and I was like, no, I'm not going on a fucking hike. Fuck you. I don't care that you said deadass. And then Natalie goes, well, guess what? I'm going to take everyone to a trip to Hawaii on your credit card if you don't come with us on this hike. Deadass. Whoa. And that was like a crazy threat. So, so what happened is Natalie went on the hike. Yeah, I didn't go on the hike. And Ilya was packing his bags to go to Chicago because he was going to go through this. He booked a flight and I talked to Ilya. I was like, okay, listen, Ilya. I was like, I'm sorry, I should have gone. And he's like, yo, totally cool. What did you— how did it go?

Well, first, I like Taylor and I explained to you why you were wrong, right?

Why was he wrong for not wanting to go?

Because like, okay, I'll give you an example. Like, We're done playing video games one night, right? Like, it's been like a long night. I get off, like, I turn all my shit off, and I go watch a movie with all— with everyone out there, right? David comes running out, "L, L, L, we need one more, we need one more." I'm already fucking half asleep to play video games. Play video games. Yeah, so I come back on because I'm a loyal— I'm a loyal— this is like 1 AM. Okay, probably. I'm a loyal person to him, right? So I would expect the same when I go, "Hey Dave, come on a hike with me. It's a Sunday, like, you have nothing to do.

Just come." And that's why I got pissed.

I was like, "I'm fucking deadass leaving if you don't come." Yeah. Yeah. And that was that.

And that was a good—

I would never try that with you.

And that was a good point because, you know, he, he did something for me the other night where he, he came on when he didn't want to play video games. I should have gone on this hike. So I said, I'm sorry, but I'm like— but I said, I'm like, I'm sorry, but listen, you did say deadass and I didn't go on the hike because what he said, he's like, you come on the hike with me right now. Like, walk out the door with me right now when everybody's going. And, and, and, and if you don't, I'm leaving. And everyone left. And then I was like, okay, should we still go on the hike? And he's like, it's too late. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. You have to go to Chicago to honor the deadass. So he packed his bags, he went to Chicago, and then I went on the hike because I still knew of Natalie's deadass, and I wanted to make sure that she didn't take my friends to Hawaii on my credit card. But her deadass wasn't you have to leave with me right now, it was just to go on the hike. So I met him on the hike trail, I hiked for about 10 minutes, and then I came back to here.

You drove all the way out there for 10 minutes?

Yeah, it was an hour away, it was a far hike.

I did the drive, I know.

Yeah, it was a very far hike.

Oh my God.

And then, yeah, Ilya, surprises one of my friends in my hometown, and my friend John just completely loses his mind. He's so excited to see him, and it made me so jealous that they were all hanging out that the next day I was like, fuck it, I'm going to fly out.

Jay, it was one of the most fun weeks I've ever had.

Really?

Yeah, it was.

It was so bizarrely fun.

Ilya went back. It was just like 6 hometown friends, right? And we got drunk. I got drunk.

You got drunk?

Jason. Jason. David fucking plastered.

Yeah, I got so fucked up. Huh? White Claw, tequila, beer. I was fucking shotgunning beers like a frat bro.

No, you weren't, dude.

I had the best— I had the best time of my life.

Yeah.

And Ilya wanted to race me and I raced him like around like this huge like field and I beat him. And then the next fucking day he's like, bro, that wasn't even like a serious race. Like, I didn't even want to race. And then I reminded him, I'm like, Ilya, you asked me to race and then you waited till everyone came out of the house because you were like, Everyone come out of the house, I need an audience. And he lost that race. No, I was so drunk. This has been the best time I've ever had in the last 3 years. This has been the most fun I've had in a single night. Really?

David kissed me on the lips 3 times.

Yeah, I kissed Ilya, and I was just like, with all my friends, I was like, I'll make out with any of you, I don't fucking care. I felt so good. How many drinks got Nick Salerno's dad was fucking wasted. No. Yeah, bro.

So Nick Salerno's dad was wasted. Oh, fine.

He punched Mike in the face on accident.

He did?

Yeah, it was so funny.

Did he bleed?

No, no, what do you mean on accident?

Like, he was like reaching over to like touch Mike's face or something like that.

He accidentally hit him too hard.

Yeah, so the Salerno basement was going full—

no, no, outside, out in the back doing fireworks. No, we just like a little bonfire type thing going on.

Jay, I keep telling people this, like, when I see David drunk, it's like, it's like I see a friend that's like resurrected from the dead.

Like, it's like he died a year ago and then I finally get to see him. It's so fun.

It's like—

and it was really cool because I wasn't like filming anything.

Sure.

Like I had no pressure. I was just literally just drunk and I was literally like, why don't I do this every day? I was drunk and I was like, I'm going to do this every day from now on. And like, I remember the next day I was like, I was the guy that was leading the charge. I was like, let's go, let's go to Julasco right now. Get the tequila, get the beers. I'm paying for them.

Let's go.

Whoa.

Yeah.

I was like so excited. We didn't get drunk the second time because we had to get on a call with Natalie. That was like 45 minutes about planning something. But, um, we never got drunk that, but I was, Dude, I was so, so excited about, about drinking.

How many drinks got you drunk?

I had like 4 or 5 tequila shots and then like 3 or 4 beers.

6 shots, 2 beers. Yeah.

Yeah. I was fucking— I was hammered, man. So fun. And then the next day, the next day we did something fun. I filmed it for a TikTok.

Yeah.

And I think it's absolutely fucking hilarious. But my friend and my publicist have vetoed it. They think that it's very weird. I told all of my— I've always wanted a memory like this my entire life with my friends. And you know this, you're right. One night, right when I tell you this, you're gonna be like, oh yeah, you've been wanting to do something like that for a while. I told— it was me, John, Alex, Ilya, and Mike— and I told them to all go into separate rooms and masturbate, and the first one to come back wins and the last one loses. That's it. It was as easy as that. Okay, Ilya had this fucking huge ego about himself, like, oh, I'm gonna—

all bets are on me, I was first-round pick.

Ilya had a 10-second delay. Because he had to go to the— he was going to the nearest bathroom, and then we were all going to our separate rooms. And then, and I counted down, we all sprinted upstairs. I went to the bathroom, John went to his room, Alex went to his room, uh, Jen. We all jerked off. I got done, I think, in under a minute and 20 seconds, so I was the first one back by like 30 seconds.

It was incredible.

And then Alex came next, no pun intended, and he came downstairs. We like celebrated that we were the top two, and then And then Mike came another 30 seconds after that. And then we waited 3 minutes on top of that for John to come. And then on top of that, we waited another minute for Ilya to come in. Ilya was the last one, but he was like the cockiest, no pun intended, going into it. Yeah.

Um, so you thought you'd finish first.

I don't remember myself being that cocky.

Yeah, you were.

You're like, I'm gonna finish first.

I don't even care. I'm gonna finish first.

And then, and then, um, and then yeah, he came out and he saw all of us sitting on the couch and he just goes. No fucking way.

No fucking—

here, here's— I can play the audio because I don't want to show the video, but I can play the audio of—

can't imagine why they vetoed this.

This is—

it's—

this is me coming down first.

It's near porn.

I won by this much, dude. I'm the master. I'm the master. And then this is Ilya coming at the, at the 6-minute mark. No fucking way.

I was trying so hard. I was trying so hard and I heard footsteps.

I was like, that's cool.

You guys started an OnlyFans. That's awesome.

It was sick.

And then after we did it, our friend Mike was like, yo, like, he looked at Alex. He's like, yo, Patrick can't find out about this. Like, he was talking about his guys at, like, the frat house.

Yeah, they're not even in the frat house anymore, but they're out of college now.

I know what they refer to them as, like, the guys from the frat house. And they're like, you can't tell him about this. He's going to fucking chew us out alive or chew us up alive about this. And he's like, dude, calm down. Like, it's totally fine. We just masturbated. He was like, really worried. He was like, like, people are going to be People are going to think we're so weird. I was like, no, they're not.

I want to care about this Patrick guy who would come down on this so hard.

I have a funny video to show Jason and David when David was drunk.

Hi!

Who's drunk?

I'm moving here.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Yes, he does. He looks like he's born again.

I was really drunk.

Fucking incredible, Jason. Yeah, it's like, you know how like he's like really like sensitive to people touching him, like when he's sober?

Doesn't like to be touched.

That's off limits. I mean, that's like completely the opposite.

You can touch him.

You can touch his cock if you want. Like, you can put your finger inside my asshole.

Yeah, it's great. It's great.

Not even like in like a like I won't know that you're putting inside my asshole, like I will welcome it. Like, it's not something I'll be mad at you about in the morning. I'll be like, yeah, fucking come here, come here right now.

And then, and then we, we spit gum in each other's mouths.

We do across the table.

We did.

This one's pretty cool.

Yesterday I went to bed at like 9 and then 11. I woke up to Ilya's screams once again. This is the second time he's been living here and I've been waking up to screams. And first of all, I couldn't fall asleep because he was trying a trick outside. On the skateboard for fucking 3, 4 hours at like 8:00, 9:00 at night. It was dark out. All you heard was a skateboard crashing. And then at 11, he's screaming, man. He comes in with a fucking completely bloody nose and he's like, dude, we got to go. We got to go to the fucking hospital. The board, like, somehow hit his nose and he broke his nose. Like, that's what the doctor said. He broke his nose.

Damn.

So he had to get stitches. I had to take him to the hospital, which is crazy. It's crazy that I have to do this for him at 11:00. Wait, taking care of a sick dog.

My question is, if my skateboarding annoyed you, why don't you just come out there and be like, hey, I'm trying to fall asleep, can you just—

I said that to you, bro.

Oh, you didn't.

I literally came in your room.

I'm like, is it okay if I keep going? You're like, yeah, whatever, I don't care. That's what you said, deadass.

Really?

Yes.

I don't remember that. I feel like I literally complained to Taylor and I was like, no, what is he doing?

No, these sound like all the things that you wanted to happen for the years that you wanted Ilya to move here. You know, like, you're like, you're like, yeah, and then he'll come here and he'll skateboard, he'll fuck his nose up, then I'll have to drive him to the hospital.

Oh, oh, Jay, guess what?

What?

I met up with my high school crush.

Oh, no way. Which one?

Um, the, uh, her name was Kelly. She was a senior when I was a freshman in high school. She was my, like, gym teacher leader person. And one day—

the teacher?

Well, no, she was like my senior leader.

So like, yeah, gym class, one person would get like a senior leader, and she was it.

And I was like a super nerd, and she was like the hottest girl in the school. And one day she offered to give me a ride home.

And I invited her to hang out with us and I asked her, I was like, I didn't see it as a kid, but were you trying to hook up with me?

Like, did I have a chance with you?

Right?

And she's like, no, I'm sorry. Yeah. So bummed. I'm so bummed because I thought, yeah, I thought I had a chance because like I remember her driving me home and I was thinking to myself, oh, you thought you had a chance?

9th grade David with the hottest girl.

Yeah.

17-year-old girl.

You know why? Because like we were in the car and like, and like she said some things that I look back at now and I was like, oh my God, she was totally flirting with me because I was like, now I know, now I know how girls talk. But before I didn't. What?

You're out of your mind.

What did she say?

Like, the other week I was like, Dave, there's no fucking way. Like, no dude, trust me, she was trying to hook up with me.

No, I really— I mean, I really think she was.

Oh yeah?

What kind of things was she saying? Put your seatbelt on. Is this your house? Right or left?

Yeah, it's kind of like that. Right or left? What do you mean right or left? Putting in my pants. Um, No, no, no. Yeah, I guess you're right.

Maybe she wasn't trying to.

No, I mean, I could, I could see that. I definitely have been in situations where I thought that somebody was and they so weren't.

I haven't seen her in 9 years. It's crazy to think that.

How's she look?

She's very pretty. Very pretty. She's been dating a guy for 5 years now.

What about you, Ill? You ever hook up with an older lady?

Uh, no.

Would you date a woman who in her 40s?

Ill? No, I wouldn't date her, but I'd hook up with a woman in her 40s.

Would you date a woman in her 30s?

No, no.

David would.

Yeah, I don't really get that.

David would date a woman in her 30s, right, David?

You like the older women?

No, I wouldn't date anybody in their 30s.

You wouldn't?

I date somebody in their 40s.

Not in their 30s.

No, I think 30s is like such a weird age. If you're—

whoa, what's the point?

I wouldn't date anybody like above 27 and I wouldn't date anybody below 40. Wait, wait, wait.

Explain the point of that.

I just— I think it's like— I think it's like such a weird age.

No, no, I get that. I'm saying, why would you date somebody in their 40s when you're like—

that's such a—

sorry, I don't mean date.

I mean hook up. I don't mean date. Yeah.

Like, yeah, no, I wouldn't date.

I wouldn't date anybody above like 26. I feel like I want to like experience life with a person.

I don't want to date somebody that's just fucking seen it all. Right.

Hence, I'm single. David, I know you have— you're working with Ilya here. This is some sort of partnership or he's your employee. I'm not sure which. What is his salary here?

Let me ask LLC.

Answer earlier.

Can you guess?

I think that he's paying you nothing and you have some sort of like backend thing on some of the businesses.

$3.4 million.

$3.4 million.

Not a year.

How much?

Over 10 years?

Over 4 years.

You're— you're—

first of all, you're both lying.

You're just making up a crazy figure to get me riled up. $3.4 million over the course of 4 years.

Not that much.

3.4— 3.4 million times zero.

Times zero. Well, that's zero.

Bingo.

Shit.

That's how much he's getting paid. Yeah, he's not getting paid anything.

Not getting paid anything.

No.

Okay. So eventually—

I just love being here, man. I fucking love this place.

You found the perfect person to work for you.

I know.

He's the best. I'm going to just start hiring more employees like that. I'm going to start hiring more. You know, I've always wondered that. So funny. When I first, first, first moved out to LA and I was like figuring things about the industry and like I heard things like you have to pay to use a song in a movie or something. Like, I've always been like, that should be free. Like if, like if I was an artist and Jonah Hill needed to use my song in his movie, I'd be like, fucking take it. But it's so funny, like, because like I consider all of this like so fun and great.

Yeah.

I'm like, I can't believe people are getting paid for any of this shit.

Right.

So like, from the beginning, I was just like, everything should be free. Like, you know, like if I was to run a business, like I'd run a business where everybody works for me for free.

It was just fun.

Um, so I, I do think that's funny. Then I moved out here and I was like, oh wait, you have to pay people even if the job is fun.

I thought that was— you're going to be paid in fun. There's no salary here.

It's going to be a blast.

Things are probably going to get pretty lit.

You're going to You're going to have at least fun twice a day and 5 times a week. That'll be your payment.

I mean, isn't that what life is about at the end of the day? Like having fun, right? So technically, I'm providing life's one of like one of life's greatest services.

You are. It's probably pretty fun here. I mean, Ella, you're new. You probably— are you having fun? Are you getting paid?

I am having fun and I am getting paid, mostly because Just, you know, and the reality is no one can live without getting paid, right? Like, I do it for free. Fun.

Yeah, but I'm living here though. Ella, are you really living though if you don't have fun?

If you don't get paid?

Am I really living if I don't have fun?

I'm glad you're here because I just want to tell you we're taking away your pay, but we're doubling up on your fun.

But we're putting a slip and slide in the backyard.

Now that makes it— just get a trampoline and that's my bonus.

Done. Done.

Awesome. But I also think too, like, Ilya, you had a successful business, so you're like kind of— you're not sweating it right now. You're like, oh yeah, I did something that was successful for 4 years, right? So now I'm going into a new phase in my life.

No, no, I'm completely fine with it. I'm fine. I'm good. And honestly, this is such bullshit.

Like, I'm gonna turn my phone on. I'm gonna take a video of you saying this and then I'm gonna show it to you in about 6 months when everything's gone to shit. No, say it again. I'm fine, I'm chilling.

I'm fine, I'm chilling, like I really am.

And you don't need to be paid?

First off, my business is still making money, like it's not like I just fucking left it, and like I still get residual pay from it.

Okay, well that's— see, that's huge. That's a, that's a huge thing.

Yeah, you have income, right? Right. So I'm good, but I am really excited to do stuff with Dave, like even though you Even though— even though— oh, gross.

I'm glad you said something.

I missed that.

That is gross, bro.

This is just business relationship only. What are you going to— what are you going to— you're going to kiss me?

I'm really excited to, like, get him, like, cool gifts, like, with money I make, because I haven't done that yet.

Like what?

Like a car. Like, I'd love to get him a Ferrari.

Uh-huh.

I'd love to get him a house. Like, a really nice house. Uh-huh. Like, I would do anything for Dave. It's so crazy to say, but I really would.

I was literally on my phone as you were saying that. I just heard the end part of that. You do anything for me?

Yeah.

I haven't been here in the last week. Ella, has any work gotten done in the last week?

No.

No work's gotten done here.

No work's gotten done. Well, it's more like we plan to do something and then there's a call like, oh, we're going to Chicago. See you in a couple of days. Oh, okay. And then we call them to do— to discuss stuff and they're like discussing how drunk they're going to get and what pizza they're going to order. And it's just—

oh my God. Natalie sent me the bitchiest fucking text.

Jay, I love it.

Oh my God. I called Natalie to talk about what a good time I'm having.

It reminds me of me and my ex-wife.

And she called. I can't read the text specifically because it would, like, ruin something we're working on. But she's like, okay, well, while you have fun with your little high school friends getting drunk and jerking off in bedrooms— and it was like one of those times—

I'm over here running a business.

And I'm like, Jesus, Natalie, chill.

You went to Fiji for 3 months the other year.

Give me a break.

Dave, you want to tell Jace how Taylor booked our plane tickets a few days ago?

So I told Taylor to book our flights back. She sent me like— she sent me the flight options and it was one first-class seat available and there was a bunch in economy. And I go to Ilya, Ilya sleeping, he's hungover. I'm like, Ilya, should I fly first class and you go economy or you want to sit together? And he's really drunk and he goes, we're best friends. And I go, and I go, okay, okay, okay, we'll both sit in economy. So, so So I tell Taylor, I'm like, I'm like, uh, okay, go ahead, book us both in economy. So she books my seat, window seat in economy first. Um, but then as she's booking Ilya's, there's a warning sign that goes, hey, because of COVID people can't sit next to each other. So she can't book Ilya next to me, so she books him as a first class seat.

It was the only seat left.

And then she sends me the breakdown. It's me all the way back in economy. Like row 40 and Ilya, Ilya and Ilya in first class. And Ilya is like, hell yeah, look, I'm first class.

And I'm like, go fuck yourself.

I called Taylor. I was like, Taylor, what is going on?

And she explained.

I thought it was really funny that like Ilya was hungover and I'm like sweating over these flights. I'm like, well, I want to sit comfortably, but I don't want to make Ilya mad.

Did you go to economy?

No. Ilya gave me his seat.

Yeah.

No.

Oh, yeah.

Oh my God, you are such a fucking mensch.

Wow.

It was on my credit card that I offered.

I offered to pay for the tickets first off, multiple times.

And I was like, my PayPal's broken.

No, I said, Ilia, you don't expect me to listen to you, right? Like, I have to listen to David.

Yeah.

I was like, what in your mind?

And I sent her a picture of my credit card, right?

But then we talked it out and I said, you know what, David gets first class. Taylor and I used your credit card to order dinner.

Oh, nice.

Fuck. That's okay.

Hey, you win some and you lose some, you know?

What was flying like?

Oh, man, it's so fast.

And like, you got there quick, huh?

45 minutes?

Yeah, because if you drive, it's 30 hours. No, flying was totally fine. You had to wear a mask the entire time.

Did they take your temperature?

No, they didn't take your temperature.

They didn't know.

And people weren't wearing masks in the airport. People weren't wearing masks on the flight. Some people were, but I don't know. It's weird. And then when you go to like Illinois, like, dude, the virus doesn't exist there. It's really fucking weird. Like to see people walking around without masks. It's so weird.

They don't wear masks there.

That's why I hate this shit. I feel like, like in different parts of the world, in different parts in the US, like there's a state where the virus is like full-blown. Don't you fucking dare walk outside.

Yeah.

And then in other places like Florida, it's it's fucking a free-for-all. Clubs are about to open up. Like, I just think it's so bizarre. Like, I feel like we should make a decision as a country, right?

Yeah.

State by state.

Yeah.

So now I'm confused. I'm like, okay, well, am I allowed to hang out with people or am I not? Like, if a restaurant's open in California, I can definitely hang out with friends. So I don't really understand the argument behind all of it, but whatever.

I was in my hometown with my friends and my phone was ringing and it was in the other room and my friend gets it and he goes, yo, man, David Blaine's calling you. And like, all my friends start laughing because they think it's like crazy that like my friend's picking up my phone. David Blaine's calling you. And I pick up the phone like in front of my friends and it's David Blaine with Chris Rock. So it's like two, you know, two huge celebs. And my friends are just like, what the fuck's going on? And I hang up and my friend's like, are you telling me that if I would have picked up, Marty from Madagascar would have been on the other end of it? So he was really excited about that. And then, then Chris came over today, actually.

Yeah, I was—

that—

yeah, his daughter was apparently— I mean, is still a fan of mine, which is fucking nuts. I think that's, that's like a really cool thing when like a big-time comedian's daughter likes you because you know that she has a good sense of humor, right? Built into her. So she's like—

and you know, the big-time comedian's like, what the fuck am I doing wrong?

Right? So, you know, like someone with comedy blood in their veins appreciates you. That's awesome.

Yeah, that's like amazing.

But yeah, he came over. I didn't—

you watch the videos? Did he watch them at all?

No, I didn't even ask.

You didn't ask?

No, I didn't want to offend him. You're like, you fucking think I watch that? I'm just here for my kid. No, I didn't ask him. One of the questions I asked him was like, was the Illuminati— is Illuminati real? That's my go-to. Question every time I see a celebrity. I'm like, is Illuminati real? And he's like, I don't know. I haven't gotten an email from them. So that could be like a cover-up. But who knows what else happened? We just hung out.

Did he get it? Did you watch the water?

Oh, I did. I want to do this TikTok where I was sitting there and watching Madagascar with him, right? So like, we like skim through Madagascar a little bit looking for like the funniest moments from Marty, from his character. And it was really fun because he like genuinely seemed like he was enjoying it because he's like, I haven't seen this movie in like, I don't know, over a couple of years. And like, he was seeing some of the parts again for like the first time and he was just smiling. Like, just like it was so bizarre. So bizarre to watch, you know, the zebra. Oh, that's Marty.

That's so cool because it could have been a different celebrity. They might not like want to see like certain movies that they did. No, he liked this.

No, he was very like—

I mean, yeah, I was like, he's like, he was almost like, I don't remember doing this.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, he's—

we get like that too. There's stuff that I don't remember.

He's, um, no, he was— I think comedians especially are like a lot more like, I don't know, maybe I'm just biased, but like they're like really grounded people. So like, for sure, they know how to interact. Like, he can— he knows how to interact with like all kinds of people, right? Like, that's what comedians are good at, is he can interact with the celebrity and he can interact with like normal folk like us. So I think that was—

damn, of all the celebrities that you know, which, you know, aren't that many. That one's— Yeah, that one's the one.

He's definitely cool.

Sick.

That's like— that's like one that I would expect never to talk to me.

Yeah, I wouldn't expect it either.

Right, right, right. Yeah, that is really cool.

It's great.

Jace, we saved the dog today. Dave and I. Oh, what?

This kid made a TikTok and he's like, I'm going to shoot myself with a paintball gun every day until David Dobrik shoots me with his. And I saw it the first day he posted, but I was like, I wonder how long this kid can do it for. And I waited till like day 11. And he had 11 shots on his leg. So then I fucking do it. And I was like, hey man, I'm going to come shoot you. And he got excited and I came by and, and he had his fucking friend. He had like 4 of his friends come too because he knew I was coming and they all asked me to shoot them. And one of them was a girl and she was like, shoot me in the leg. I was like, I can't shoot a girl in the leg. And then Ilya just grabbed the gun from me. He's like, fuck it, I'll do it.

And he shot her.

He shot her right in the leg. She didn't even flinch. And I was like, what the fuck? So I grabbed the gun from him and I shot her in the leg again and she didn't flinch. And then we shot him and then his 15-year-old brother came out and he's like, can you shoot me too? So then I had to ask his mom. I had to ask his mom for permission. So I shot his brother in the leg and I was running out of— I ran out of paintball bullets. So they had to run upstairs and get their own to put in my gun so I could shoot them with it. And then we drove away from there and like, it already seemed pretty crazy because everyone seemed like really hyped on getting shot with the paintball gun. So like, it felt like we were in a bizarre place. And then we pull like a block away and this woman is chasing her dog that's just gotten off the leash. She's like, help me, help my dog! And Ilya and I just pull the fucking Tesla over. Ilya hops out and chases this like pug down, this fat pug. And then, yeah, we give her the dog back and she's like, thank you. It was really funny. And then we're just like, where the fuck are we?

A man drives solo across the country in 25 hours and 55 minutes.

26 hours across the country in 26 hours.

Yeah, that doesn't seem possible.

Real. It's a real thing. This is a riddle.

I know he did.

He shattered fucking riddle.

If he drove for 6 hours at a speed of 60 miles an hour—

say it again. He drove— he drove across the country from coast to coast. Yeah, in 25 hours and 55 minutes. And there's like a news place reporting like— that's— I don't— that sounds so bizarre to me because like he's obviously speeding the entire time.

Yeah.

So like, how is that a thing to be reported on? Like, isn't this like a thing that like, okay, if an officer reads this, he's like, okay, you're going to federal jail.

Yeah.

You, you, you sped in all of the states.

Man robs the most banks in one month. Yeah.

Like, what kind of a fucking fact is that? You know, I've seen this before too. How are people getting away with that?

But even to even complicate what you're saying more, David, it says it's the— he shattered the cannonball record.

So this was all like, it's a cannonball. Like, it's like, that's what it's called. I've seen it before.

Yeah.

And like, I saw another video, or I saw how they do it, and it's two guys in the front seat and one guy sitting in the back, and he's sitting on a police scanner and he's listening to like police chatter in the area. And then the guy up front in the passenger seat is using binoculars to see if there's speed traps up ahead. And the one guy's driving. Oh, wow. And then they switch off. So all three of them are doing something and they do it in 25 hours. And this is solo, right? That's why it's crazy that he did it by himself. But that's what I'm saying. Like, this is fucking illegal. How are they— how is this like a thing? That's such a— such— I mean, good for him.

I'm going to get you the answer. Give me a second.

You sure it's not like he got from coast to coast in 25 hours, but, you know, he took breaks so he didn't count that time, you know what I mean? So he was— if he was driving for 12 hours one day, he counted those 12 hours but didn't count.

I don't think he ever got out of the car.

And to be driving after like 20 hours like that, that's like— that makes no sense either.

Average speed of 108 miles an hour.

Yeah, it even says your average speed. Like, that's crazy. That's crazy.

He's like doing coke.

Can't he go to jail for the rest of his life? It's crazy because we were— when we got put— when we, when we did the road trip, like when I moved out here to L.A., it took us like 31 hours.

Yeah.

To, to go from Illinois to L.A. And I remember we didn't want to pay money for a motel, so we slept on a park bench because we all got really tired.

Where? What park bench?

I mean, like, I don't know if it was Utah or something, but it was like— it was like, looks good, guys. It's like, it's like a wilderness. But like, we knew going into it, we're like, we're going to get pulled over. One of us on this drive is going to get pulled over. And we did, and that was just like a super— like, that was just an expected thing. So I have no fucking idea how this guy went all the way from like a place like New York.

Maybe he did get pulled over.

I don't believe it.

You can't get pulled over and make that.

One time I got pulled over and I was coming back from Maine to Boston, and I was with my two buddies, and the cop just said something to me that was just so weird, and it always stuck with me. I don't know, it's not that funny, but he— I just— he goes, I'm going to— I was going to my school. He goes, oh, what do you study there? And I go, oh, television and radio. And he goes, oh yeah, well, I got a television at my house you can have.

What the fuck?

Like that.

Oh, that is weird.

And I never knew what to make of it. I didn't know if he was trying to be funny and had no sense of humor.

It sounds like he was like battling something within his head. Like maybe like his kid was watching too much TV, maybe, and he was so pissed at his kid that he was like, well, I have a TV, you should fucking take it because my son won't stop watching it. That is a bizarre thing to say.

Do you guys remember being in like— I remember being in—

Chris Rock came over today.

Well, talk more about it.

I'm sure that's it.

What else can you tell us?

Nothing else.

Fucking great. Nothing.

Very nice.

He made us sign NDAs. No, I'm kidding.

Is he doing stand-up now? Oh, no, no one is. What the fuck am I saying?

Yeah, he's in his yard with his kids. No, I don't know. We just— we talked about the same things, like we were just having conversation. I don't know. I didn't ask him for like any like hidden things. Jason, were you around for the draft?

Yeah, yeah, I went to Canada.

Wait, explain.

Wait, what?

No, what the fuck?

Oh, how old?

Wait, you guys have your years together at all?

Wait, how old are you?

47.

No, that's not my question. When was the draft?

It was like late '60s, early '70s.

Okay, so it was like right when you were born?

'73.

So was your dad— draft was over, but was your dad involved in the draft?

My dad had me so he wouldn't get drafted.

Oh, really? Okay, explain how that works. When, when people were getting drafted, was that as common as like Like, you know, everybody had a friend that got drafted. Was it that kind of 100%?

My dad all had friends that got drafted.

Oh, really?

And he got married to— he didn't believe in the war, obviously, and he got married. And then to even make sure he didn't get drafted, he had a kid. Wait, but explain to me how my dad had a kid when he was 21.

Explain to me how the draft works. Is it just like a list of citizens and they just send emails out to random abled people?

Not emails, Dave.

This is 1970.

So if you weren't going to college, just like random, like, how does that get a letter and you'd get a number? And if you had like a low number, there'd be a good chance that you would go.

What do you mean number? How do you get the number?

You'd get just like randomly assigned a number.

And when you were drafted, what does that mean?

Does that mean you're going to report to a camp where you would start to train? So it doesn't necessarily mean you go to Vietnam.

No, no experience.

So like, let's say your friend got drafted, then you would report to— would you report to like a training camp or would you report to an officer? And then they would judge you and they'd be like, okay, We can take you or we can't take you. Like, would they— would they—

oh no, no, I think they take you.

It doesn't matter if you— yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter what the situation was.

They know you already would like go in and register and they would like weigh you and shit, and then they would like send you it eventually if your number got called.

I'm assuming 90% of the kids did not want to go when they were drafted.

Like, this is as my dad tells it. Yeah, his friends didn't want to go.

What percentage of those people would actually go to war? Was that a high percentage?

Yeah, really high percentage. If you were drafted, I mean, they just kept sending people, and that's why the country was so torn, and that's why all the stuff that's going on now That's fucking crazy. Protest actually, like, it stopped the war, you know?

They're literally sending fucking kids, like, their children.

Uh-huh.

You know what I mean?

Like, 18 years old, you're a child. Yeah.

And, and you're—

and imagine you get demon as your partner.

You know me, you know how, like, you get— you go to different stations. I'd ask for, like, the kitchen.

I'd be like, put me in the fucking kitchen.

I'm a good chef, I promise.

Yeah, desk job. Yeah, I was with my kids today and I went to get them lunch and like, Marty was like, you know, kind of stressed out. She had a lot of stuff to do, whatever. So I like went in, I grabbed them and I didn't even say anything, lock the door. And then I get this text, she's like, do you have the kids? And I was like, yeah, everything's good, no worries. I was being super nice, you know, not to start any kind of fight or anything. And then she's like, well, I'm getting a massage from 3 to 4, could you please not come back and knock on the door and bring the kids in and have them be loud. It is my one hour for the week. And I was like, totally, yeah. I'm like, I'm being super nice. And so I write, okay, gotcha. And I swear to fuck God, gotcha turned into bitch. I don't know how gotcha turns into bitch. I fucking don't. David, it went okay space G-O-T-C bitch. And then Charlie was sitting next to me And I just go, fuck! She goes, what's wrong? What's wrong? I go, I just called mommy a bitch. She's like, what? And then Marty texts back, bitch? With like 5 question marks. And I was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm like, I didn't mean that. She's like, what did I do? Why are you mad at me? This is my one hour. And then I voice texted, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it.

Oh my God, it was Charlie. Charlie sent that.

And then the kid, I had the kids like back me up. I'm like, tell her, tell her. It was an accident. It was an accident.

Wow, that's crazy.

Yeah, how can Gotcha be bitch?

I guess G-O-T-C-H. Oh, that's it. Pretty fucking close to bitch.

Yeah, I mean, she a fucking bitch though, you know.

No, she's so nice.

All right guys, well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. It's been A Viewz Podcast. Thank you to Jason, my lovely co-host. Um, go leave something nice on his Instagram, and we'll see you guys later. This has been A Viewz Podcast.