Wiping Away My Roommate's Debt

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. I have good news and even gooder news. The good news is Jason is cancer-free, just got his skin cancer removed today right before doing the podcast. So I want to congratulate him.

Thank you, man. You should have seen what they pulled out of me, man.

They pulled out of me like The biggest freckle ever?

No, take the top of your pinky.

Yeah.

I'm not kidding, it was that big.

Oh wait, what?

It was like a crazy chunk.

Oh.

Yeah, it was wild.

Oh, so this was actually serious.

Yeah, I know we've had our cancer conversations before where you deemed that my skin cancer was not worth mentioning on the podcast.

I voted, yeah, I voted Jason's skin cancer to be irrelevant.

Tell them what happened.

Well, I just, I'm not the biggest fan of when people, Like, cancer's probably the worst thing on the planet that, like, someone can be diagnosed with medically.

Sure.

I'm not the biggest fan when people, like, find a dimple or, like, not a dimple, a freckle, and they're like, this is skin cancer, and then they make a big deal about having skin cancer. I don't know. Maybe they're the same thing. Maybe, maybe I'm the— am I the asshole in this situation? Maybe I am the asshole in this situation. But pinky actually does sound— that's a lot more. Jason's now showing me.

Well, yeah, so anyway, yeah, so Go check your moles, guys. Check your moles. That's what's important here.

And then even the gooder news on top of it, and you can notice that I'm using words like gooder instead of better.

It's amazing.

That's because this is a Natalie-free podcast episode. Hey! The only thing that tops Jason being cancer-free is getting a break from Natalie ridiculing me, making fun of my grammar, putting me down. Now, I do really like having Natalie around because she ties everything together.

I'm here, you stupid bitch.

Yeah, really, really. But yeah, Natalie is still in Saint-Tropez. Isn't that crazy? So I just got back from Cannes.

How do you do it?

How does she do it? I do it. And you know what? She's like, she's my manager, right? That's her title. She's posted 8 TikToks on this trip. I haven't posted— maybe this is, you know, this just goes to show how bad I am at social media. I haven't posted any TikToks this year. She's posted 8. Like, here's her getting ready. Here's her dancing with her sister. Like, it's just nonstop posting. I don't know.

This is your sign to go to Europe. I saw that one.

Yeah, she's done every trend you could possibly do on a fucking boat. Or anywhere in Europe.

Whose boat is she on?

Natalie is attacked. It's our buddy's boat. She's, I mean, she's really living it up. She keeps saying I'm missing out, but I couldn't. I left Cannes.

Yeah.

I had the best time in Cannes.

Great.

It was incredible. I left though, and same thing that happened with my flight last time, my connecting flight connected to London, and then I missed the next flight because the first one got delayed. So I had to spend the night in London.

Oh, what'd you do?

I just went out. I went out with some of my London friends, and then I extended another day because I had a lot of fun.

Look at you. You have London friends?

So I was there. Well, I only have like 3.

That's pretty good.

And I put out one of those close friends, like, who's in the area? And then I got—

and they answered.

And they answered.

Were you excited when they answered?

I was stoked. I was like, I can't believe I do have friends here in London. No, but I was in Cannes and that's when we dropped our asshole episode where I talk about my butthole.

Yes.

Which, by the way, I'm not exaggerating, completely gone away.

Oh, really?

Ever since this moment. I don't know if it was like—

How curious. That's interesting. After Reggie looked at it, everything was fine.

I know it's making me feel— I know it's making me look like I'm just genuinely a pervert. And I wanted my friends to look at my my asshole. Yeah, but I don't know if it was the motion of me spreading my cheeks in front of my friends that whatever was there made it hide away in embarrassment, or maybe it was all in my head and all I needed was reassurance from my friends. Yeah, I think that's what it was. I think it was when they said there's nothing there. Yeah, then in my head I was like, yeah, there isn't anything there. And then the pain literally full stop went away.

Amazing.

But it was right when we dropped the episode. I was really proud of it. I did think it was genuinely one of our best episodes. And one of the main things I go to Cannes to is like the Spotify events. I'm really close with all the people at Spotify. They are the sweetest people. Like, I love seeing them every year. I get to see them once a year and it's at Cannes. And, you know, there's a lot of new people I was introduced to at Spotify. And when they would ask, like, what we talk about, like, it was always— I was like, I was treading on— or I was on thin ice, like, of whether or not I should bring up our last episode. And like 3 times I brought it up to 3 random people. It crushed. They were like, great, I had a hemorrhoid, blah, blah, blah. And I brought it up one time to to 2 people and they both like literally split and covered their ears. They were like, whoa, whoa. And I was like, oh my God, that was a joke. That was a joke. But I had to bring it up because they were like, what do you talk about on the pod? Like, I've never met these people. I was introducing myself. So like I had to first— why I said it in the way I said it, and I think this is where I went wrong, is because I said we have incredibly like highbrow conversations.

Yeah.

And that joke definitely didn't land. So I was like, oh my God, wait, this guy's going to think I'm like so full of myself. So I have to explain that. This is the furthest from my high point.

How did you say it? I had my friend look into my butt? Um, give me an example.

I didn't even get that far. And the one that didn't work?

Yeah.

The other ones? Fucking smashed. Incredible. I told a lot of people. Half of France now knows that I have, may possibly have had a hemorrhoid in my ass. No, but I didn't even get that far in that one. I mean, I went right to Natalie after the conversation. I'm like, Natalie, I can't bring up my hemorrhoid anymore. Make sure, please note that. Don't bring it up either.

Yeah, you told the audience not to bring it up to you. Has anyone come up to you?

No, no one did.

It's great.

No one did.

I was laughing the other day because I was listening to it and I was like, it's so funny how you like, if you want to listen to this podcast, like you really got to dig to find it.

Oh, for this podcast?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You really got to dig for it. So the people that are listening, yeah, they're like amazing.

No, no, no, no. But I think they keep it secret. The one thing I did get again, I was at the airport and you know how Danny Duncan called my car gay, my Aston? He like made a big bit out of it. Yeah. There was one kid came up to me and he's like, yo, Dave, your car, it's not, it's not. And I go, I know. And he started laughing. He's like, okay, okay, good.

That's great. You already knew what he was going to say. Yeah, he read his mind.

Yeah, he didn't even. That's great. He couldn't even get the words out. He didn't even get Danny out. But I'm like, I know where this is going. But no, Cannes was incredible. Okay.

What'd you do? Did you stay in a nice hotel?

No, the hotel's horrible. It's really tough. It's really— it's an— so it's a really tough place to get a hotel. So what they do at that time, Yes, because the brands, all the brands buy out the hotels.

Right.

And Cannes Lions buys out the hotel.

Yeah.

So we decided this year that we were coming really late. Yeah. So the options were very sparse. And how, how it works for a brand to book you a hotel is they have to pay $10,000 just to unlock the hotel for you. That gets you the pass. And that's like a pass to Cannes Lions. Right. And then you pay the regular price of the hotel room. That's already expensive because the south of France.

Right.

So you're paying $10,000 for the week plus another $10,000. And it's not like a— it's a 200, 300 square foot room. It's like a tiny room. It has a bed and it has a bathtub close to the beach. Yes. Everything is close to the beach, which is really nice. But I got to play padel there.

You did?

It was really fun. Yeah. I met some friends that I challenged in padel. Do you know, I don't think I ever talked about this on the pod. I won some good money while I was in pod— I've taken padel really seriously and pickle.

Yeah.

And I've made some serious wagers. Did I ever tell you how much I wagered?

No.

There was one game, this guy wanted to bet me $50,000.

On your home court here?

No, no, paddle, not pickleball.

Oh, paddle, okay.

Yeah. Paddle's like where you play it off the glass.

Yeah, yeah, we played it once.

Yeah, so he paid me 50 grand, or he played me for $50,000.

Wow.

And this was like a week buildup. He was really hyped on it. And I won, like barely won, barely won. My heart was racing. And then he double or nothinged me.

Yeah.

And I won that too. Wow. And he paid me in cash. Cash.

No.

$100,000. One paddle game. It's kind of crazy. It's like it felt like every dollar that's ever been invested into my tennis abilities.

Yeah.

Was recouped right then and there. Like, I've never made money playing sports. Yeah. And this is like my biggest fucking paycheck. It feels like I won a big tournament. $100,000 for two matches done in like 2.5, 3 hours.

Was there a crowd?

No, no crowd.

No crowd. Just the two of you.

No, no. Yeah. Because the way, the way a lot of these, like, matches work in Beverly Hills, I don't do this. That was the last time I bet like that kind of money. I've bet like $10,000 before here and there. Even that is like gut-wrenching. It's like the worst, right? But the way they work is it's all billionaires playing— millionaires, billionaires— and they're all betting each other like $250,000 a match, like $250,000, which is like— which is fine. What's so incredible about it is professional padel players will come to the United States because padel's not big here in LA, but these guys will come from Spain and they'll play with these guys that are putting the bets. So let's say you're the billionaire. Yeah. I'm the pro. Yeah. You wager all the money. Uh-huh. And then the other guy wagers money. You guys each wager $100,000 for a match.

Right.

And win or lose, the two professionals are getting paid out $10,000 for that match.

Is it two on two?

Yeah, it's two on two. It's doubles.

Oh, wow.

So like these padel pros are making so much money just by being in these matches. I've been texting Jason a lot.

Yeah.

I've been texting Jason Ferris and Illya a lot because we've been talking about like making the videos again and I keep going back and forth between posting once a month, posting once a week. So I want to make some sort of videos again. That's the main thing. And I just can't— I've kind of landed on something and I've landed on once a week. Yeah, because it's just once a month feels like too much pressure for like a season.

You should explain that to people why once a month is more pressure.

Well, once a month is like you have a month to make a video.

Yeah.

Like it's like— and people are going to expect a month-long video, right? Like once a week, there's like such a different kind of pressure. I think why the vlogs work so well is because I was making 3 a week. Yeah, obviously that time was a different time. It was way easier. If I made a video now, it wouldn't be as good as one, one of the three vlogs. Like, it just, it was, it was a very different time back then. I had very different, very different ambitions. I was the hungriest fucking person ever. Yeah, I just moved to LA. I'm older now and it's different. It'll be probably different type of content, but still, it'll still feel the same, but a little different. But yeah, once a week just puts you on like schedule, right? And I remember when I started posting vlogs, I was first posting on Vine and I was so fucking lazy with the Vine posts. Like I was the worst Viner on the face of Earth. I could not come up with a 7-second joke. It was the toughest thing I've done when it comes to like posting things because I could not figure it out. I tried everything. I was like, okay, I'm going to go get hammered tonight. Maybe something will come to me. Or like, I'm going to lock myself in my room for a week. I tried everything. I couldn't do it. So when I started YouTube, I was like, I'm posting 3 times a week no matter what. Like, that's what I'm doing. And then I was always under the gun and I was always procrastinating. I had— I was almost not even my own boss anymore because I gave myself the schedule. And I think that helped me. So I think once a week will be better.

Yeah. And you were flipping out this morning, right? Already.

Well, I was flipping out. I'm flipping out every morning. Every—

so every day, it's such a change from what you were like 2 weeks ago or 3 weeks ago.

Every day I'll send a text and I'll be like, I'm still once a week. Are you guys still once a week?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cuz I'm, I'm like making sure if everyone's still on the same vibe. Do you guys still feel— Jason sent back this voice message. I thought it was funny. So I texted saying, checking in, I'm at one a week still. And then Jason goes, oh man, did you lose it over there? You're going to be in the mental hospital. And then Jason sends this voice message.

Yeah, I still one a week.

How about you?

Yeah, sure, Dave. One a week. Sure, pal.

We'll vlog again and Natalie will love me.

Sure, Dave.

Whatever you say. Steve-O will come over to the house and jump off the roof.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure, Dave. You got it, big guy.

Man, dude, the way Jason described that genuinely is exactly how I'm feeling at the moment.

There's a bit of madness that goes in with it.

Yeah, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

But you got to learn to take that out of it.

But I spoke to a lot of people about, especially in Cannes, I spoke to a lot of creators about like posting again. What did they say? And I was like, this big thing that I was like really concerned about was like this idea of like legacy. I use that word really like loosely, loosely. Like I've always been like concerned about like the vlogs are this really special thing and I don't want to ruin it. I don't want to post again.

Right.

And then I watched the Tyson interview, getting interviewed by like a 13-year-old girl. And she's like, what do you think your legacy is going to be? And he goes, I don't believe in legacy. Legacy is just a word, another word for ego. And then he made such a good point. Obviously he was saying it to this 13-year-old girl. And at the end of the interview, she goes, thanks for sharing. She has no idea what he's saying. But I thought it was interesting. Like, legacy is such a word for ego. Like, I just have to let my own ego go. Like, it's like, who gives a fuck?

Yeah.

Like, we're all going to be dead.

We're all going to be dead.

And who knows? Maybe someone in 130 years will be like, have you watched David's videos? And like, that's what I'm holding on to. That one conversation someone's going to have behind my back after I'm dead.

When you're in the grave.

Yeah. So I think like I've kind of let the idea of that go.

Good.

And even like one of my buddies said, like one of my buddies who loves music is like, I was the biggest Kanye fan.

Yeah.

And like now he still makes music. I don't necessarily align with anything he says anymore, but I still love the songs that he made. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Like they're still good songs. I still don't know what it is. I still don't know if it's on second channel, main channel, or like what the idea is or what it's called or whatever it is. But like, I'm just excited to make stuff again. I just feel like I've, I've kind of done than not doing anything in a while. I've done it pretty well. I've really been relaxed. And this feels like, this feels like one of those moments where when people ask you like, what do you regret? I think it's, I think this is gonna be one of those moments that I never did it again.

Wow.

Or I never made stuff. This feels like, wow. Yeah. Like when I'm 50, I'm gonna, I'm gonna look back at this and be like, I lived with my best friends in my house. I got to go to the coolest events.

Yeah.

And like, why am I not sharing that and making videos and making fun? Like, I don't know. It just got to the point where it just— it feels selfish to not make videos because I just really love it. And through the videos, I can help so many people. Like, not only just like because like maybe I'll make somebody giggle, but like when I'm making videos, like we're giving people a lot of things that I'm in. Like, that's so fun to do. And it feels really selfish to just keep that to myself and add a new paint coat to the pickleball court.

Wow, David.

Yeah. Look at you.

Yeah, I know, I'm really making some changes over here.

You've really come around. This is impressive talk from you.

Yeah, I know. A week ago I was gonna kill, or what was it, 3 weeks ago I was gonna kill myself here? When was the band episode?

It was about 3 weeks ago. It's a good turnaround. Have you ever seen anyone, speaking of you relaxing, you said you were really good at it. Had you ever seen anyone relax better than you?

No, no.

You're the best at that?

No, yeah. You think? And like at Cannes, I got to meet a lot of people that were like in their 70s.

Yeah.

And like helped start— I mean, any company underneath the sun, Uber, fucking—

Yeah.

I mean, I can't even name the companies because I'm just— I— my brain doesn't— but like, ever— like billionaires. I have met with people that were— had so much fucking money. And every time I walked away from one of those conversations, I would turn to Natalie and I'd go, I can't look at that guy because I have no idea what the fuck he's still doing here.

Yeah.

Like, I was like, go relax. Why are you meeting me? Why are you talking to me? But I don't know, I think that's a very like— and I think I'm saying that out of insecurity. I think I'm like, I'm insecure at the fact that I stopped making things and now I'm projecting it onto other people. So now I'll see a guy still working and still being passionate at like 60 or 70.

Yeah.

And I'll turn it on him and be like, why aren't you fucking vacationing? When in reality it's like, that's Well, because he probably loves to work and there's nothing wrong with loving to work.

Yeah. And he's done all the vacations.

Yeah.

He's probably been everywhere.

So I think it's both. I think you can love to work, you can love to vacation. I love to work and I love to vacation. And now I think just how the waves work, I think I may somehow fall back into the work, if that makes sense. But I don't know. You never know. I got a DM that's kind of interesting. Yeah. Someone said, I'm just so confused. This is kind of hate, low-key shade. But I think she means in a critical way. I'm just so confused. I understand repeating stories because everyone does that in our lives. But you've been gone for 3 years, traveled the world, visited the Seven Wonders. Every week you're at an event or doing something otherworldly that we don't do, even as simple as hosting a ping pong tournament in your backyard. And we only hear the same stories about Ilia and you and Jason. That's really interesting.

She's right.

But why is that? Why is it that, like, I don't—

Because you love to, like, whole court and bring your friends around and point out the funniest things. And those are the funniest things.

Yeah. Like, I guess, I guess I don't like really know, like, what did I do recently that could have been like really cool for somebody?

Like a ping pong tournament might be a fun thing to talk about.

Like if I go to an event, I don't come home ever. Like Ilya will ask me, how was it? How was it? And I'll be like, I'm glad I'm home every time.

Yeah.

Like I just got back from France. Like Brooke, who works with us, asked, how was France? I'm like, I'm glad I'm back. Like that. That's how I respond. So I don't know, unless like something crazy happens. And I think that also goes to with like how jaded I am with all the fun things that we have gotten to do. And unless I'm like capturing it on camera, I don't— I don't like— I can't like love it. I love putting it in front of a lens and it's like, it's like this is something I've referenced before, but it's like Ghostbusters catching ghosts. Like when that funny thing or that cool or that amazing thing is in front of the lens and it's and I hit record and it's caught like lightning in a bottle. Yeah, like that's when I love it because I feel like I captured a memory.

Yeah, it's not as exciting. No, seeing it— if you tell me Jonah threw up, I'm not going to like it as much as showing me Jonah throw up.

I wouldn't even resonate with it in the same way because I'll be like, oh, that just happened. And I don't know. And things are amplified and they're more funny to me when I'm watching them through a lens.

Yeah.

And like Jonah throwing up may bother me when I don't have a camera in my hand, but like when I'm capturing it, I'm like, this is fucking hilarious. Like, it's just like a different perspective. Where it's just like, this is great. We're making such fun stuff. Also, like, the events are very much the same thing. Like, you go to any event and you can ask this to anybody. It very much is like people buttoned up, dressed up, and there's very attractive people around. You're lucky if you get to talk to one and then you go home. That's what it is. The other day we did get to do something fun. We went to a club. It was me and my roommates. Yeah, we never drink. And I was just like, come on, it's boys' night. I've been in France for 5 days. Let's go. And we went to go to a club. My buddy owns. And I said, it's just me and my roommates. Can we come in for drinks? There's nobody there. It was like 10:00. Yeah, it wasn't open yet. Doesn't open for another hour. And we just sat at like one of the tables.

So fun.

And just ordered drinks. It was just us.

Nice.

And like, we were supposed to go for a couple of beers, but then I started sneaking in shots and we were playing like a drinking game.

What game?

It's just like finger on the cup game. You put your finger on the cup and you have to guess how many fingers are left. It's really hard to explain, but John and Ilya kept losing.

Yeah.

Which means they had to drink the most. And like, I was having such a blast because they were like drinking so much. But then when like 12:30 came around, when people started to roll in, they Irish goodbye'd. Like when I was at my peak drunk, John and Ilya were at their peak drunk and me and Alex were like, where the fuck did they go? We checked their location and they were halfway home.

Oh no.

And I was like, that was like, that's so fucked up. They like, it ruined it for me so much. Where I was like, why do you hate that?

You hate the Irish goodbye. Yeah.

Or because the point of drinking isn't just getting drunk. It's like, I want to ride home with them. I want to order Taco Bell. I want to debrief through the night. That's why I told Ilya, or that's why I told Alex, I'm like, we can't do this with them anymore. I walked downstairs earlier and Ilya was there talking to my roommate John. And this is like a funny— like, he was almost about to laugh. And then Ilya goes, wait, say that for the podcast. I go, what podcast? Like my podcast? And then Ilya goes, no, no, I'm starting a podcast with Jon. Is that real?

It is very real. You want to know the podcast name?

I tried to get Jon for my podcast. He wouldn't do it.

Wait, what's the podcast name?

It's called Heavyweights.

That's funny because Ilya used to have a podcast called Lightweights. And now that Jon's on board, who happens to be, I guess, on the heavier side.

We're going to talk about that on the podcast.

Yeah, I don't know.

I got no comments, but wow, that's really the—

No, no, that's not the reason.

Okay.

Wait, why no comments? No, no, no. I was just going to say— Oh, you want to save this for your first episode?

No, no, no.

You want to save how you relapsed after the Zilla transformation for the first—

Okay, okay.

Let's talk about relapse over here.

Hey, I'm doing fine, John.

That's the worst is like if you put the weight back. I put so much back on. It's the worst.

Wait, so why is it called Heavyweights? Because, you know, people that go to the gym, they're like, oh, they lift heavyweights. So it has nothing to do with John's weight.

No, no. It's also kind of just funny how it used to be lightweights and now it's heavyweights.

So, John, you're going to be a podcast co-host?

I guess so.

It's a big deal.

Yeah, I knew about it about 3 hours ago.

Damn, we just snagged up John. That's crazy. You— we birthed John here and everyone loves John.

I know. And we offered him $75,000 a year to quit his job.

I know.

Well, what?

No, you did not offer me that.

It's on the pod, you dumbass. Yeah, it is literally the last episode. I'm getting DMs like, is that— is John a moron? Literally, I told him, I said, I said, John, I'll give you $75,000 if you quit your job right now and you just hang out with me. That's it.

He said no.

He said no. Okay.

I mean, I was like, all you got to do is just sit next to him. He goes, well, I do that already for free.

Yeah. Yeah. But like, I would incorporate more things like food's here. Can you grab it? And things like that.

Yeah.

Because that sounds so fucking enticing.

I mean, yeah, it kind of does.

He already does it, but for a dollar per.

Yeah.

Per meal.

Because he owes owes him. How much money do you owe Dave?

Yeah, we're coming lower. We're getting lower.

John owes me— remember that bachelor party we went to? Yeah, John still owes me like $1,300 from it.

Oh no.

Yeah, because all the boys sent money, so it'd be unfair.

Yeah, oh, for sure.

If I let John with a pass on it.

Sure.

Yeah, no, I feel bad, but I have—

it's, it's—

so John works it off with like when we play video games, I'll order like a $2 LaCroix from the fridge downstairs, and I'd be like, can I have 3 LaCroix for a dollar or two?

At least the interest rate is good, you know.

Yeah. And then he like subtracts it. So it's pretty good. Sometimes he forgets things, but I mean, it's like, whatever.

That's awesome.

Yeah. So you're already kind of working for me. Just like illegal rates. Illegal minimum wage rates.

Did you work today?

Yeah, I did.

How was it?

It was actually stressful.

So no, it's fine.

Okay.

Never mind.

It's fine.

Okay. Fine. Explain it. What happened?

Okay. So I had these roles.

This is what you're going to have, Ilya, on your podcast.

So just get ready. What was it?

What happened?

What happened?

I don't know.

This is a heavyweight tease right now.

Yeah, I mean, pretty much my run, the needle broke because the matrix was a little bit too contaminated.

No.

And then I had to remake my standards because of that, because the standards expire. I know you're on your fucking phone, Dave, you piece of shit.

The fucking words you're saying, dude.

John, I've heard literally everything you've said. What was the point of this? Genuinely, think about what you're saying.

Bro, there's one scientist listener right now loving this. Like, oh, I fucking hate when my matrix goes out.

No, there's one side. There's a couple scientists probably saying this, being like, what the fuck is he talking about? Definitely real scientists listening to this being like, this man's out of his fucking— he's lost his marbles.

It should definitely take the job.

Do you drop just those words for no reason? Because you know we're not going to understand what you're saying.

Matrix? You don't know matrix?

You don't know Bill Matrix?

No, John, I don't know. I've seen the movie Matrix. I don't know what context this is.

You know what a standard is at least?

No, I don't know what a standard is.

I don't know what a standard is.

See, that's way too much to explain. That's why I just go straight to it.

Yelling at me. You're the one that came up with the story.

I wasn't telling a story.

But you literally just said, see, that's too much to explain. It was your idea to tell the story. How are you making it my fault?

Fuck it.

See, Dave, I told you I should have told the story about the Matrix. I try to get you to stop as soon as possible. You're right, you're right. What happened the other day with Jireh?

Okay, so me, Julia, John are sitting in the living room. John comes back from the fridge with a Modelo. Julia and I are like, wow, John, he's getting a little loose.

He's like, a beer? No. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's like, no, there just weren't any waters and I'm thirsty.

Okay.

And then we argued about it for like 10 minutes and he like, there's vitamin waters, there's Gatorade, there's LaCroix, there's a million things he can grab.

There's also a water filtration system.

Exactly.

There's a water fountain that's filtered. There's a million things he can do to hydrate.

Yes.

And he grabs a Modelo.

Okay, what's your— so I've been there. See?

Okay, but you, you kind of also like— you like Modelos?

Like you like a nice beer? Yeah, but I don't think people are gonna understand that he doesn't like Modelos, because I've been there. So I don't know what the argument was, that he like hates beer and he's like sucking just the nectar out of it.

Like, have you ever, ever seen him drink a beer?

No, I understand that, but like for the audience, this is kind of confusing because it's like, yeah, like a lot of people would love a beer to quench thirst.

I don't know what to tell you. I mean, I just went to the fridge.

I just grabbed a beer.

My man just wanted a beer. I think that's what it is.

I didn't want a beer.

No, no, no. This is the argument, Ilia.

Is this conversation a prank on me? What world are we in?

I don't know.

I'm sorry I called you over here today.

You brought Jay back here just for this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you guys, it seemed like you guys were on fire and you guys were talking about something. So I brought him back for this story because this was another situation. If you don't know how If you have any friends that are podcasters, when anything remotely funny happens, everyone goes silent in the room. Like in real life, they go, stop it, stop it, stop laughing, stop laughing. Save it for the podcast. That's what podcasters do. And that's what happened. I walked into a room, Alex and John were laughing. I was like, what's so funny? And they're like, we'll just tell you on the pod. I'm like, great. And I forgot about it completely. And I called Jason over here to drive over because I was like, you got to hear this. Alex has some heat about John.

Naveen's in her underwear right now.

Jason was mid-sex. Alex called Jason over because John wanted a beer, even though he may not admit that he likes them.

I feel bad.

Okay, that's fine. It's funny that it actually was like that. I tried. Yeah, I care.

I really thought you were going to bring up the other one.

Oh, there we go.

Saved your ass, eh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see what the next one is. All right, what's the next topic? Okay, bear with us, listeners.

Bear with us, please.

Please. I know, I know, dude. They're so ready to click those fucking 3 little triangles. Don't skip us. Just right here. Come on. Okay, go.

So I was driving up the hill and I think I saw this name and I was like, oh, you mean Annie?

Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry. Who are you talking to? Who's in the car? Set this up.

Okay.

It's just me and Julia. And then I had to ask the rest of the group. Okay.

Okay. Is the rest of the group in the car?

No, no.

Once I got home, because this was already heated. I was already like screaming.

Wait, we should restart the story.

No, keep it like this, people.

Julia and I were in the car, we were driving up the hill.

No, no, no, this needs to be raw. This is good. God, I hate raw, dude.

John, sometimes when anyone else like messes up, I edit around it, but when you mess up, I leave it raw because it's so fun. Like there's hot dog for my hot dog. You remember that one? I got a hot dog on my hot dog.

All right, go, go, go. You got this, you got this, you got this.

So anyways, I, I— so I went in, so I went to the group. I was like, all right, before I— nobody say it out loud, okay? How do you say the name?

Spell it though, spell it.

Go, go, go, go. Okay, actually ask me, ask me like I'm the group. You just walked in. Yeah, you had this conversation with your girlfriend.

You're not gonna believe this.

What happened, John?

How do you say the name A-N-N-E.

Anne.

Don't look at me.

Okay, so it's Anne.

I thought it was Annie.

Okay.

I was so confident, dude. I was about to bet with her too. I was like, I swear to God, there's people I know that's Annie.

A-N-N-I. Yeah, there are people that you know that are Annie.

No, A-N-N-E, like Auntie Anne's.

Anne's. Oh, fuck.

I thought it was Annie. No, Annie. There's no— Jay, you don't know a single person named A-N-N-E?

Annie?

No, it would be I-E.

Not a single person named Annie?

I think if aliens come, we send John. Because they'll talk to him and they'll realize this planet needs all the help it can get and we're harmless. They'll be like, you know what? The aliens will go back up to their mothership and report to the generals and be like, don't worry about this one. Nothing's happening here. They're just trying to get by.

He's, he's smart. He, he's smart about like a lot of things. He's just the language barrier.

His—

that's all it is.

It's not language barrier.

It's not.

It's John's mom is like very like straight edge, like intellectual, and then his dad is like out of a meth magazine.

That's the guy who wasn't scared of the crocodile, right?

His dad is the— it's the most absurd personality I've ever seen. It's like he's acting. Yeah, yeah, but he's not. It is so, so crazy, but it's so great.

Yeah.

It's like I've never seen a personality like it. And John is smack dab in the middle.

Oh, I see.

So like his two personalities battle. So it's like mom's side, which is like the science. Yeah, yeah. Will fight with his dad, which is the nonsense, which is the craziest combination to have inside one human.

Why wasn't he scared when he saw an alligator in his living room? Like, that baffled me.

Well, because he didn't think it was real.

Yeah, well. Oh, he didn't?

No, I don't think it was real. And we also had a crocodile named like Pet Dandy.

You mean Crocodile Dundee?

Dandy.

You're gonna stick to this? I'm gonna ask your family. It's gonna be Dundee.

I'm not gonna die on this hill, but sure.

Crocodile Dandy.

It's the off-brand version so they don't get sued.

Wait, there's a crocodile named Dandy?

Crocodile Dundee's a movie, and I have a feeling there's no way this crocodile's name was Dandy.

You want— I call my dad right now.

Okay, actually, yes. John, it's Dundee, like the movie. Uh, Mr. Castro, sorry, sorry to bother you in your tornado. Can you hear me? It's David.

Huh?

It's David. Mr. Castro, can you hear me?

Oh yeah, David, how are you?

Good, good. I have a question. So did you guys used to have a crocodile like as a pet in the Philippines? Yeah. You want water? No, no, no, no, no, no. We got a lot in there, but I don't know if you could bring it here. That's fine. Did you used to— you used to have one as a pet though, right?

Yeah.

What was his name? What was his name?

Uh, Dundee. Dundee.

It's Dundee.

No, he said Dandy.

Yeah. Uh, Dundee like Crocodile Dundee?

Yeah, Crocodile Dundee.

There you go. Thank you, Mr. Castro. Okay.

No problem.

Hell yeah. David, 143. John still zero.

Does he— does he work at the airport?

Airport. That's so funny. He said Dundee and John goes, ha! And we're like, yes, he just said Dundee again. Dundee's named after the movie.

The way he says it, he says Dundee.

Dundee.

That's why John thought it was Dundee.

All right, fair enough. Different languages pronounce different things. But it is named after the movie. Yeah, yeah, I would assume.

If I did run away, how hard would you look for me?

I mean, just because I'd miss you, I wouldn't try to collect my $1,200 you owe me.

I didn't mean it that way.

Before you go, give me my money.

What can John do to wipe away the $1,200? Because—

no, no, no, I'm going to pay him back.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

As John's lawyer, I have to say, I mean, he could easily wipe the $1,200. Yeah, if he said please. Here's the thing, honestly, if he just asked me, I'd be like, that's fine.

Here's the thing, it was the way it was— the way it was delivered to my client, the way the debt was incurred. Yeah, I feel as if it's a little— it's a little auspicious in that, you know, he was going on a bachelor weekend. Las Vegas is so expensive.

It's a set cost for all the It's just that there are like, like 12 boys that all paid their dues, and it would be unfair to them that I showed any, any special treatment to your client.

What are you doing? What are you doing planning a weekend like this when you know my client only makes $29,000 a year?

That's true. That is true. That is true. Why is your client not quitting his job and coming to work for me? I mean, I don't know.

How's Zillow, Ilya?

Let's hear it. Let's hear a little sample. Let's do a 2-minute sample of what Heavyweights will sound like.

What's up guys, welcome back to Heavyweights. I got John here, my best friend that I grew up with.

Damn, Joe's gonna be so mad. Heavyweights, Lightweights. It's crazy. All I'm thinking about is Joe. I gotta apologize to him. I took your spot. I'm so sorry.

No, Elliot asked Joe and Joe didn't want to do it.

Really?

Yes.

Oh, fuck that. Let's go.

All right, continue. I want to see what this podcast is like. Go, girl.

Uh, what's our first topic, John? Steroids?

Oof.

Honestly, I'm an open book to anything. Oh, you know what I was thinking about? What about different patch notes for, um, like the current meta of gym?

Okay, I have no idea what the fuck that means, but yeah, I don't know what he said either. Yeah, you know, that's why the podcast is fun, because you always have to guess, even in a topic that Ilya is an expert on.

Yeah, I can't find the right words.

I'm so curious, who are these people?

What? Are you saying who are these people that are listening? Yeah. This podcast, to go from the Golden Globes episode of this one. This one.

Somebody DM'd me today. They were like, I really like the podcast, but I don't know how to explain to people what it's about.

Yeah. I mean, this one you can't. This one's like this.

No.

This is the confusing one. But this is what conversations are like, really, like on the couch in the living room. I'm being completely deadass. Yesterday I was in the shower.

Yeah.

And I started singing, and it all sounded so perfect. I'm not even kidding. It was kind of like I was in a movie, and I just realized I could sing. I literally—

Jay, can I use this point?

I stopped and I looked left and right, and I fucking hit the notes again.

Wow.

It was crazy. I don't know, I must have been standing in like a sweet spot, but I've never heard something like this before.

Let's hear it.

What song?

Uh, well, he's not gonna do it here.

Let's go to the shower.

Wait, wait, can we go to the shower?

I'll breathe. Now granted, the shower, you can sound very good. The acoustics can be—

yeah, I sound great.

You record yourself? Yeah.

Do you guys too?

No, no, I know exactly what song and I'm gonna sing it for you guys right now.

Was it an original?

Oh shit, fuck, man, I gotta get ready cuz I don't want to get secondhand embarrassed.

I mean, well, I'm not gonna be able to hit what I hit. Why not?

Did you record it?

No, I didn't. I couldn't because it was like a one-time thing and when I went back to doing it it was 50% of what it was before. Yeah. And then I did it again. I completely lost it.

Wait, was this over music or it was just raw? You were the only sound in the room.

Oh, wow. It was, I mean, it was like, it was like MSG in there. Genuinely, I felt— Natalie, suck my balls! Scrub harder, bitch!

Wait, do you want us to look at you in the eyes or do you want us to look at you in the asshole, Natalie?

Okay, no, no, no, I got it. Okay, okay.

Um, I can't look at you. I can't look at you.

I got to leave the room, bro.

Why?

No, don't leave the room. I don't think I'm going to hit it, so— and, and I'm going— here's the, here's the tough part about singing.

You have to fully commit, otherwise it's going to suck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm sitting upright. Actually, I should probably stand, cuz I, I was standing in the shower.

You should probably take your clothes off to like—

God bless you, David. What you do for this podcast.

I know.

Here we go.

You're really Ray for risking your aura like this.

Here we go. This is crazy.

Well, thank God I wouldn't do this on video, 'cause then this guy could have that fucking—

look at this fucking douche trying to sing— be every TikTok tomorrow.

Okay, here we go.

I can't look at him.

All right, let's be supportive. Let's see if he can get through it.

It's a song by Somber, one of my favorite new artists. I don't want— hold on, sorry, sorry. I know you're half-assing it. I know I'm half-assing it, dude. I'm half-assing it.

There's no way.

Lock it, lock it, lock it. I feel like I I shouldn't even look.

Don't look.

I'm not looking out. I'm right— I'm turned around. My back is to everybody. Actually, I feel like I'd be more comfortable if I spread my ass cheeks.

I think you should.

Okay, go, go, go. I feel like I need to hear the song.

Yeah, hear it. Listen to it.

I don't want the children of another man to have the eyes of the girl I won't forget. One more time. That was half-assed. That was, I'm telling you, 10% of what was going on in the shower. So if you thought that was remotely cool, could you fucking imagine? Okay, here we go, here we go, here we go. I don't want the children of another man to have the eyes of the girl I won't fuck.

It's pretty good.

It's not bad though, right? I built on the last one.

Yeah, you sound shaky.

You just got to be more confident.

I'm nervous. That's all.

Don't be nervous. Let it go.

This is an audio podcast, so I'm gonna sing and he's gonna sing, and then tell me which one you like better. I don't want the children of another man to have the eyes of the girl I won't forget. You know, you know, wait, you know who Joshua Block is? Joshua Block?

Yeah.

Oh, put the fries in the bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You kind of sound like him.

Oh no.

Yeah, a little again.

Try to, try to—

the thing is, the thing is, I actually do think that you have it in you, but it's so hard in front of people.

Yeah. Do you? You're such a yes man. I mean.

Do you know why I'm saying that?

Why?

Because I know I can sing too.

One more, one more, one more. Last one, last one. I don't want the children of another man to have the eyes of the girl I won't forget.

Close. Yeah? Closer.

It's getting better. A little bit every time.

Try putting it down.

I don't want the children. That's Springsteen. I don't want the children of another man I have the eyes of a girl I won't forget. Something like that.

I mean, if you take some lessons, maybe.

That's what I'm saying.

That was better.

Yeah. So you guys—

I think everyone has the ability. You just need to like—

We're all in.

Wait, why don't we go one by one and see who's got the best voice?

Dave doesn't like this idea.

I don't like that idea.

No, no, no.

I know we're saying that.

It's kind of my song, guys.

No, it's cool. I was the one that found Sombra, guys. They're kind of my band, so.

Yeah, people don't want to— Like, we don't all sing. It's only me. It's only me. Who's most likely to break out a song? It's me.

Dave gets DM'd by Sombra tomorrow.

Dude, I heard it. It was incredible. They're going to strike this pod. Please don't strike this pod, Sombra. I know it's a great joke. Please don't. Please. No, but I think it's incredible. And I think I'm on my way to learning. I mean, just get ready. Next podcast, Thursday's pod, I'm going to come with a revised version and I'll let you guys know how it sounds. All right guys, well, that's all the time we have for today's episode. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you for joining us. Everyone go follow Alex Newman's music. Go follow Ilya's new podcast Heavyweights. Hasn't started yet, but it's coming soon. Go follow John's Crocodile Dandy account on Instagram. And then go listen to Jay's podcast, All Things Good, All Good Things.

All the scientists out there, watch out for the Matrix. Keep your standards.

We'll see you guys later. Bye. Check your standards.

What's up guys, it's Ill. Came in the podcast room, just want to see if I can do a better job than Dave.

Here we go.

I don't want the children of another man to have the eyes. Wait, wait, wait, I'm gonna do it again.

Wait, guys, that was nothing.

I'm sorry, I heard singing. Did you guys need me back?