We Need to Raise $500,000

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. It's a podcast where Jason and I sit in a bathtub and we play with our toes and talk about boring stuff.

Hey, pass the soap.

Blah blah blah blah blah. There's the soap.

Thank you, I love getting clean.

Um, guys, before we start the show, I want to tell you all about my underwear that I'm wearing. This may be completely random to you guys, but there's a really good reason behind me telling you about my underwear. One reason could be that we're getting paid for this, or another reason could be that I really love MeUndies, and I've been wearing them for a couple days now. It's some really, really soft underwear.

Yeah, I've always had them. I've been buying them for years, actually.

Really?

I have 4 pair.

I just started getting them for free, and I'm totally a fan. I'm a huge fan, actually.

They're really, really nice.

Which brings us into the next segment where we just start talking about MeUndies and convince you guys to go buy a pair.

Yeah, go buy a pair. You know, every pair of MeUndies MeUndies is sustainably sourced, David, and made from MicroModal, a fabric that's 3 times softer than cotton. That's true, they're soft. They're really nice.

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Yeah, that's my thing on Instagram when I'm posing with my belly over underwear, not yours.

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It's just /views. Do not put the right now part in. That was just telling you guys to go put that in right now.

I'll say it again to clarify. That's meundies.com/views. meundies.com/views. The water is— do you think it could go a little bit hotter in here?

I think I'm gonna turn on the water and make it a little bit warmer. But yeah, that was, that was our third. What was our third ad that we've had on the show?

Yeah.

Fun fact, guys, we still have no idea how much we're getting paid for these.

No, we have no idea.

But we can be completely getting screwed over by our agency.

I don't care. I like sitting down with you because, you know, this is the only time you're real.

I'm always real.

Yeah, real dick.

I'm hopping out of the bathtub right now. Jason.

David's cranky today.

I'm not cranky. I'm just sassy. My parents are coming into town.

Guys, it's Wednesday afternoon, late afternoon. David just posted, he was yelling at everybody, screaming around, "Everybody in the kitchen now!

Nobody leave this house until I get a thumbnail!" I literally, I made everyone in the house go to the kitchen and help me come up with a title for my YouTube video. And I said, and I tell everyone, I'm like, "No one's leaving until we figure out a title." No, you don't say it like that.

You go, "Nobody leaves this fucking house until I get a fucking thumbnail!" And then there's like the people that live here and then the other people that just come over, like the shooters and the interns. And those are the people that I love to see when you do that, because they hadn't seen that side of David yet. Scott and I are like, all right, let's get—

I mean, I'm always joking. I'm not like—

I know, I love it actually. I love when you get like a—

no, but I do love— I do love—

you're the leader, David.

I do love seeing like an intern like be like, what the fuck is this? Is this real? Is this a drill?

And then like, you're so— you're so funny because Jake, the intern, he's a really sweet guy. He's like went to like fine schools or whatever, and now he's interning for us, none of us who are smart. And, uh, today, uh, he gave me a clickbait thing and I told— said David— I told David, I said Jake's really good at clickbait. And then David was getting— got some clickbait from him later, and David just was like, you fucking suck at clickbait. And I was like, oh man, Jake, he's one of us now. David just insulted him.

Let me just give you a little background, because Jake is an intern that Jason apparently hired. He's been working for Jason for 3 weeks now. He's like a, what, 23-year-old kid?

He's 21.

He's 21 years old. Yeah, he— Jason doesn't pay him whatsoever. I mean, doesn't even Tag him on social media. He doesn't—

I do tag him on social media. Jake Alda Coffee.

That's great. No time for that right now. But as I was saying, he doesn't pay him at all and he makes him go do things like go get him lunch, go pick up his kids, put air in the Tesla today. That's what I was going to bring it to today. Today was my first day. I'm like, you know what, fuck it, I'm going to take advantage of this intern thing.

Yeah.

And I'm like, hey, can you please go put air in my tires? Comes back with a sandwich for Jason, and he's like, couldn't figure out how to put the air in the tires.

And I'm like, okay, no, no, no, no, no, no. I got the sandwich. Let's be clear, I got the intern. David was up in arms about it. He was like, you just don't give a fuck, do you? And I was like, no, I don't. I'm like, I intern.

I'm like, Jason, the, the most— the scariest thing about Jason, and I think kind of the most beautiful thing about Jason, is he doesn't give up literally a rat's ass when it comes to his videos and other people's feelings. He'll be on Hollywood and it'll be a funeral, and he'll stop everyone and he'll be like, I need the shot, you guys are gonna help me out, and then you guys can go back to mourning.

He just—

because he knows he'll never see these people again, and he knows that he'll get the shot he needs. He just doesn't care. And that's what I love about him. But it's so like— it's because he's at this point in his life where he's just been through so much.

I've seen it all. Where— listen, you have to look in his— in his— look at it from his eyes.

From the intern's eyes?

Yeah, he's super stoked to be hanging out with all of us. We're cool, we're cool to him. He's got something to do for the summer, it's fun here, he gets thrown into bits. Scott will just come in and start shooting a bit with him. Yeah, you don't get it. You don't see the world correctly.

Jason, you make him work like a workhorse.

I do not.

Yes, you do.

No, and you made so much— you gave me so much shit about hiring an intern. My favorite—

no, listen, there was one time Jason was like done eating spaghetti or something. He walks in the living room and he goes, Jake, go clean up the kitchen.

I didn't say it like that. I said, Jake, would you mind going to straighten up the kitchen, please?

No, you did not say that. I saw you said, Jake, go straighten up the kitchen. You said it like— yes, you said it like you're pissed at a son.

No, I treat him so well.

And it was just so fun. No, I mean, you're really nice to him, but like, you, you command him as if he was an employee that you're paying.

I don't like the way that you give me shit for things and then a couple weeks later you're like, all right, that's a good idea. But you never say like, you know what, Jason, because I was right.

Because I'm new to having employees. I've never had that in my life.

I said to you that day when you're giving me all that shit, we're in the Tesla, you're like, I can't believe you just He just fucking got an intern. And I was like, I'm like, you'll see, David, you'll use him. You'll be glad he was here. And what happened today? He went out and put air in your tires.

He didn't.

Well, he tried, but Scott uses him all the time. Scott was worried he was gonna kill us for a while, which I get. That was definitely part of it.

I still think that. And he's in the next room right now, probably listening to this like, fuck, they found out.

He's gonna glass up to the door.

There's a very good chance that Jake's gonna sneak into our home one day and just stab all of us. But we're totally for it because it was Jason's fault.

He's living the life, man. Some girls came to the door the other day, you know, to bring you cake for your million billion views or whatever you got. And I didn't answer the door because I didn't want to talk to anybody. And you could just hear them there like, is David here? He's like, no, David's not here right now. He's like, is Scott here? Like, no, no, not here right now. And they're like, and then there's like a beat and then they go, can we take a picture with you? And then Jake goes, oh, I don't see why not.

Jake is your stand-in now? You go to meet-and-greets and you have Jake meet people instead of you. You make him learn how to sign things in your autograph. Yeah, I mean, I, I'm completely envious of the fact that you did get an intern. I think it's ridiculous. I don't think I could do that. It's, it's the unpaid part that bothers.

Well, then let's pay him.

I don't want to pay him.

Let's all pay him. Why are you so— you're so funny about money.

Yeah, I am. I am really weird about money. It's like I don't know what it is.

You think it's crazy that I pay someone $125 to clean this house.

You spend money in ways that I never knew money could be spent.

But it's so nice to have a clean house.

My favorite part about you, Jason, I say my favorite part about you a lot, so I must have a lot of favorite parts about you, but you'll go to like, you'll go to Gelson's, which is a very expensive grocery store, and you'll find pineapple that's like $2 for the whole pineapple, and right across the way you'll see organic, super tasty, delicious pineapple for $35, and you'll buy it, and you'll completely ration it Rationalize it with me. Like, dude, this is the super deluxe tasty pineapple. It's just like, it's like, I, I'm— when it comes to food, like, you know, I'll, I'll pay for whatever I need, but like, I wouldn't go out and buy like a more expensive version of the same food.

Like, that's why you're sick. That's why you have headaches.

Jason goes out of his way and buys like the prime, like, foods.

Yeah. And then I brought— you were just smacking on the turkey that I bought you. You, you brought it in here and you love that turkey. There's no— why?

I was smacking on it.

Why?

Because I would never buy it because I can't afford that that kind of stuff.

Oh yeah, get out of here.

You can afford it.

You've told me on the sly, get me some of that turkey, I will Venmo you, and that's what I did. I bought 2 pounds because I knew you'd be hungry, and I'm just tired of just fucking— God damn it.

I listen, I'm just so baffled by how one person can complain so much about not having money and throw so much of it out the window.

You like that turkey, I like that turkey. It's good, it's worth it. I didn't buy Jones on Third today. I had that turkey for lunch again, and I had a salad from yesterday. I didn't spend any money today.

I don't know. I'm just confused. And when we go out, when we go down Hollywood Boulevard and you buy fidget spinners for your kids, even though they'll have 8, I don't know if that's because you love them or because you're delusional.

Yeah, that was a mistake. Yeah, that sucked.

You bought like $30 fidget spinners because they had the Spider-Man logo on it.

I know, that was a bad buy. That was a bad buy. I'll give you that. I was pressured because Alex was there.

But, but this happened in the hotel room too. We were in a hotel room and it was like 2 AM. I'm like, Jason, just please go to bed. Like, incidentals are on my card, so whatever he picks up from the minibar, I pay for it. And he wanted nuts. He just wanted plain nuts for $12. I'm like, Jason, go to bed, please. I'll order you room service. I'll order you real food or something else. Just don't pick up the fucking nuts. And I— and then he picks up the nuts, and I didn't know there was a timer, and I jump out of the bed. I'm like, they're on a timer, put them back.

You might have got charged.

No, but like, I just, I think Jason spends his money on things like, I don't know, I'm usually really careful about what I spend my money on, and it looks like I spend my money on stupid stuff because I have a house and I bought an expensive car that I don't— I don't need a big house and I don't need an expensive car. Wait, wait, wait, back up.

What? You don't need a big house? You don't need an expensive car?

I mean, no one needs those things.

Yeah, but you have them.

Yeah, no, I'm saying that like, I feel like I don't spend money on like too stupid things. Like, I don't go out. I don't, you know.

No, no, you're good. David doesn't go out to dinner. You don't buy Fancy clothes, never.

No fancy clothes. Definitely don't go to bars. I think that's the biggest waste of money.

Yeah, I love that about you, because then I— because then I— whenever I'm tempted to go to a bar, which I know I'm gonna have a bad time anyway, I usually just go to your house and I'm like, all right, I saved a bunch of money and I didn't have a bad time. Yeah, I like your new house a lot. Congratulations. I want to say congratulations to the new house. And you know what, I've seen a change in you. Really? The last couple, maybe week, 10 days.

I've had a horrible headache for the past week, so that could be it.

You got to start eating right. I went to David's house last night. I went to his beautiful house and we got in there. It's so wonderful up there. It's such a chill vibe. I walk in, he's on the couch with a headache and I gave him, I gave it to him, guys. I just told him straight up.

He just walked in like he's my mother and that he flew 3,000 miles away to come deliver this message. He's like, you need to start eating right.

I was hiking with Scott and Todd and I almost voice messaged you. We were walking up the mountain. You know when you hike, your brain opens a little bit. And I said, that's why he's sick, he's not eating right.

Next time you're on a hike, you, you message me, hey, I wanna— I want more than 30% of the podcast because your brain opens up. No, but yeah, I think I have to be eating right, but I don't think that's why my headache is—

no more fast food.

Listen, I only do Chipotle.

Don't— that, that's the worst.

How is that bad?

Every time I have Chipotle, I can't even go to the bathroom the next day. It's awful.

You know, I'm also crazy because like, I don't— I, I never understood why like a burger is bad for you because like growing up I would always have sandwiches. So I'm like, okay, boom, there's the bun. A burger is just meat. And I'm like, boom, that's just meat. And then I would think tomatoes, lettuce.

Yeah.

And pickles. And I never understood why it's bad. And I, and I kind of still don't understand.

It's the combo of the thing. Like, if you were just to have the burger wrapped in lettuce with tomatoes, you can digest that easily. Or if you were just to have the vegetables in the bread.

I mean, like, I understand now. I don't need like a full-on lesson.

Sorry, I'll shut the fuck up then. Go fuck myself. Awesome. Okay, so, but I have noticed a change in you, and I think it's really good. You guys, it's really, really enjoyable to see you enjoy yourself. Even you really— I've never seen you enjoy anything. What do you mean?

What are you saying?

Well, I've only seen you enjoy like a great vlog or a great piece of footage or a video that did well. I've seen you enjoy Liza, obviously, but you've— you're actually in your house and you're actually like enjoying it. Like, you were— people came over, you were happy.

Yeah, I guess that was fun.

You told everyone to take their shoes off. I was like, wow, he's really taking pride in the new house, which is a good rule.

Every time people come over, they always forget to take their shoes off.

They should take their shoes off in that house. The floors are very nice. The pool table is amazing. I loved playing pool.

I need, I need, um, guys, let me give you the breakdown.

I need, um, a million dollars for a swimming pool.

I need a swimming pool really bad because it goes off the edge and it'll make the house look sick. Okay, I should rephrase that. I want a swimming pool.

I don't explain how it's set up where basically have to build out on the hill.

Yeah, so basically my house is on a hill, so crazy view of the valley and Universal City.

You could see the fireworks at Fourth of July.

That's how crazy, incredible view.

Swooping.

The way the house is built is that in about 20 to 30 years, it'll— there's gonna be a really good chance it's gonna slide right off the hill. So it needs to be reinforced by like these big bricks. They're called caissons. I don't know what they're called. And that's gonna cost me about $250,000, which is a shit ton of money, especially after I paid so much for the house. So they told me that they have an idea that they could, that they can also add in a pool for another $200,000, and it'll kind of be like killing two birds with one stone, because then I'll have the pool reinforce the property, and it'll be hanging, it'll be like an infinity pool, really cool off the edge. Now my main problem is YouTube's not doing so good and I need to pay for this pool. So Jason and I— this was Jason's idea— he said I should start a GoFundMe. No, this was Jason's idea. But how— I was thinking about it. Imagine if I started GoFundMe for a pool.

What would you have? You have the ability to make people to do that, probably. People would probably think it was funny.

Yeah, but that's so sick.

But people are— how, you know, if you want Dave to get a pool, just keep listening to the podcast. That's all. You're helping.

Yeah, let's, let's talk about—

watch our videos.

Well, I was totally kidding about the GoFundMe thing because I mean, I would never do that. But, but what I am serious about right now is we don't know how much we're making on these podcasts. And as much as I love just doing them and sitting around, I think it's so weird how we're 5 in and we've read a couple ads already. And we know, you know. Yeah, well, tell me.

I mean, I think it was like $700 a read, something like that.

Really? Yeah, which isn't a lot for the social media world. No, $700 to read something.

I mean, it's nice. It's nice money, but you know, it's not gonna build you a pool, but that's fine. I mean, whatever.

We had, we had like projections on this podcast. We need to get 300,000 downloads an episode to make a million dollars a year.

Yeah, that's what it is. But we don't, we don't get that.

I'm just telling you guys this so you guys can help us get there. Yeah, how many downloads does this podcast get now? I think on average around 200. Yeah, so a couple more hundred thousand, you guys can, um, Help us build a pool.

Yeah, go, go download it on your mom's podcast.

Jason's app— Jason's 30% of this podcast is going to my pool.

I'm not really looking to make— I mean, we're kidding. Like, we're not— I don't think either of us expect to make money on this. I think it's just nice to like—

this isn't really like a money thing.

Like, you know, we do YouTube and then, and you know, and we do these videos and they're the same, and it's just nice to like— are you looking at my crazy toe?

You do have a weird toe.

Well, that's from Carmelita. That's from the— that's the— I— guys, I— my, my toe is all messed up from wearing the Carmelita heels. It's a character, uh, in David's vlogs called Carmelita who's, um, wears heels and is a prostitute. And my toe is all fucked up from wearing the heels. That's the— that's my blood right there. That's my scar for your vlog.

Jason has some disgusting toes.

That's how much I love you right there.

And when I mean disgusting toes, I mean when he comes to my new house, he has to put shoes on. Look at those things.

They're like, they're like claws. Yeah, they're bad seed. I get it. Um, but no, I, I, it's, it's nice to watch you. I'm sorry, are you still in the tub?

No, I was gagging on some of the water in the tub.

Uh, it's nice to see you enjoy stuff. It's nice. It's— I was thinking you're gonna be— start to become more and more refined. I'm gonna see you, you know, you probably start eating different foods. No more chicken fingers. It's nice to watch you grow up.

It's so tough having, um, like house responsibilities. Yeah, like the other day, the garbage just keeps getting filled up. Like, I don't even throw stuff in there, but I have people over and they keep throwing stuff in the garbage. And I'm always thinking, even with roommates, like they would take it out usually because I was just never home, right? But now it's like it just sits there. And when you have to wash dishes, it's just gonna sit in the sink until you wash it. Yeah, and that's crazy to me.

It doesn't get done.

And that's like, that's like something that you learn when you first move out from your parents. That like, like this is— I was saying this in someone's vlogs the other day. If you don't clean your bathtub, it gets dirty. I'm like, you're laughing at it, but like I would have never guessed in a million years that that's what happens. I'm like, there's water flowing in every time. It's basically taking a shower every time you take a shower.

It should wash itself, right? Because you're putting soap in there.

But my— but our bath—

I go with that.

But the two bathtubs in my apartment are disgusting.

Alex's bathtub, it's I've never seen—

I don't even want to throw Alex under the bus. It's me too. I mean, both tubs are disgusting bathtubs, and that's just because we don't wash them. I don't know what we're doing wrong.

Hire Chicky.

Hire Chicky.

Yeah, we haven't— we have a housekeeper named Chicky who's been with my family, Wyatt and Charlie, for about 10 years, and now she's come to—

she's great—

Scott and Todd's house to clean here. And now, you know, David started to work her into some of the bits. You probably see her in some of his vlogs and one of mine.

And she's a good woman, but I don't hire her. I'm scared of hiring a maid for my apartment because my room, you know, my room is disgusting.

Not yet. No, no, for the apartment.

For the apartment.

That's what a maid does. That's, that's— they're good at that. They're good. They like to like organize and like make— break shit down.

Why? I was gonna add, Liza had like this woman that would come clean her house once a week. And I asked her for her number. Like, I asked Liza, I'm like, can I have her number so she can come clean? And Liza wouldn't give it to me.

Why?

Because she didn't want to be embarrassed that I had such a dirty house.

Oh really?

Yeah. Oh, that's hilarious. And I completely agree with it because I have a disgusting apartment. But, um, but VidCon's coming up.

VidCon, we go down tomorrow. I'm riding with you.

Which is a video convention that makes a lot of money and that gives none of it to us.

Yeah.

Where does that money go?

Goes right in their pockets.

That's a little strange, right?

Well, they got to throw the thing on and they got to get all the hotels and I got to get all this. They do get all those sponsors.

You know how much they charge those poor kids?

Yeah, and they get the sponsors too. I'm sure the sponsors pay up the butt to be—

I don't think—

if you're Canon, let's say you're Canon, you want a booth there, that's got to be $20,000, $50,000.

I don't think VidCon is having a hard time making ends meet.

No, but none of the places pay the creators.

Playlist doesn't, which is very strange to me, right? They should play. They should. It is strange, especially if you're selling $150 tickets. Not that like we want money to meet people, but like it's just like, it's just weird.

No, it is weird because they're charging people to meet us.

Yeah.

And so they should kick some of that back, or—

and it's just our names attached. I don't know.

I'm only going to film.

I'm going because I Chain, like I'm not just saying this to sound like a fucking suck-up to like everybody that's listening, but like I love meeting people.

I do too.

Like it's one of my favorite things. It does get overwhelming when you're in like a meetup line and it's like 300 people or like 500 people. Yeah, it sucks because you start saying the same thing and you start feeling like you're a robot and it's just like—

the one we did in Florida, in Florida was great. Like we— but I was— I couldn't believe people were waiting that long.

Yeah, so we really gave it our all.

It took us 5 hours to go through all these people. So the people sitting in the way back were waiting for 5 hours to meet us. I mean, at least. And it's just cool. It's just so— it's so much talking. And like, I don't— like, it's just like, it sucks for the reason because like you start to feel like you're not even being personal with people and you start to feel like you're just like— like, once you get like 4 hours in, you're like, oh fuck, like I've just hit autopilot and now I'm just going.

Really?

That's what I feel like.

I didn't feel that way, but I've only done one in my life. Maybe I would feel like—

I just like— I feel like I run out of things to say, and then I start overlapping things I've said before, and it just— it makes me feel weird.

You did a really good job. You should give yourself more credit. You were like doing jokes towards even the end.

Well, I appreciate it.

People feel great. That's— that's not true at all. I'm gonna go down tomorrow with David. I'm gonna shoot in the car, hopefully get some stuff in the car. Then Big Nick and I are rooming together, get some stuff with Big Nick in the hotel room.

Big Nick and Jason Nash rooming together at VidCon.

It's the perfect pair.

That's incredible.

VidCon, uh, in bed by 9:00. But yeah, and then I guess I'm gonna go back down on Saturday with the kids and then take them to Disneyland, I think.

Wow, you're a good dad.

Is that crazy? Should I not do that?

Take them to Disneyland?

Yeah, I don't know.

I wouldn't take anyone to Disneyland. I would just take them to VidCon. I feel like Disneyland is just like a mess. I think Disney World is cool. Like Disney Florida? Yeah.

I can't go to Florida.

Why? Oh, you don't love your kids.

I'm not gonna jump on a plane because you hate your kids.

Which kid do you like more? The boys? None of your kids are named Alex. Wyatt or Charlie, who do you like more? I like, uh, there has to be one that you prefer. Like if you're, if your wife was like, hey, I'm gonna take one of the kids, which one do you want? You know what I mean?

Which one do you never do that? You never give me a choice.

No, no, no, no, I'm saying for the day. Oh, for the day? Yeah, I'm not saying forever. I'm just saying.

I wouldn't, I love them both the same. It's funny, when you have them by themselves, they don't say anything, they're completely quiet. And when they're together, they compete. I had Wyatt by himself on Saturday, we were quiet the entire time. I went and bought him sneakers. He took forever to buy sneakers.

They compete for your attention?

Yeah, and then later, We picked her up and suddenly it was like Around the Horn on ESPN. It was like, like they just did it. I don't know. And it was odd. I just noticed that. Also, Wyatt, this kid cannot make decisions, David. I think it's a bad sign.

What does that mean? He can't make decisions?

We went to Niketown on Father's Day to buy him Air Maxes and it took about an hour. And then right after about 45 minutes, the guy goes, Oh, well, if you don't like what you see here, we have a giant LCD screen, a touchscreen with every Nike ever made. Like that. And so then Wyatt goes over and then it becomes like blue, black, suede, Air Max 90. What's the difference between the Air Max 60 and the—

Okay, so Charlie's your favorite.

Yeah, no, no, I like them both the same. No, you can't say that.

You've told me before which one's your favorite.

You're such a liar. No, it's not that lying.

I won't say it and embarrass you.

I feel good, man. I'm so excited to be in this house.

I feel Charlie's his favorite. Oh, sorry.

What was that bit I was doing with you the other day? I was talking— oh, this is the bit we're doing this morning. I love it so much. Like, David accidentally like brought up FML and then I just kept talking about it like, no, no, but, um, yeah, you know, it was pretty pretty crazy on set. You know, Brandon and I, we shot it in like 12 days and had to get it all done. And no, you're supposed to do your thing.

I don't even remember it.

Oh, you don't remember it? You're like, yeah, that's great, great, awesome.

Merch is 20% off right now.

David didn't want to go with that bit at all.

I just, I hate talking about things that like, I did that, like, it's just like we didn't even set it up properly.

I just set it up.

I just don't think anybody followed that. Guys, please let me know if you followed what Jason was saying.

Well, I was just confused. Let's stop down and I will set it up again. Go ahead.

I was just confused.

That's okay.

I even made a hand motion with my hand and I was like, I thought you were gonna jump in there.

Guys, we're still working out the kinks in this podcast.

It's tough to take a bath and feel it. Would you say go? Keep going.

When David doesn't feel like improvising, and this stuff will just stop down.

Yeah, I turn off. Like when I kind of like it when sometimes when like when Jason starts talking about something and I'm just like, I Like, he— what I don't like about Jason is he takes a really long time to say something sometimes, and he thinks that's the best part about podcasts. Every time I take something— every time I take a long time to say something, I'm always like, dude, Jason, I didn't like how it took me like 30 seconds to collect my thoughts there. And Jason's always like, that's what people love. They love sitting there with you in awkward silence.

Yeah, and let me know. I'm here too, fans of the podcast, who I love. Tell me, I think that that's what people love. They want to really hear a conversation. People really want to be here and hear what we're talking about. And if it takes you a while to like form your thoughts, people— David, you don't listen to podcasts. You don't know like what people like about it.

Yeah, you're right.

People just want to like be a fly on the wall. They just want to hear us kind of like— they want to hear exactly how you talk to me. Like, Jason, you fucking idiot. Jason, you fucked it up again. Jason, I don't have a thumbnail and somehow it's your fault. Okay, bullshit. All right, let's get a house.

We just got one.

Got an idea. I got an idea. What? I know you just got one. It's summertime. Okay, let's get like a house in Santa Barbara for a week and go stay there and film there.

I— come on, dude, I'm done with homes. You want to get another home?

You'll have like Todd and Scott kayaking. You'll have me like going into town to get penny candy.

We can literally just drive down there. We don't need to buy a home for that.

No, no, no, we need a place to stay over, and then all the vlogs will be like, you know, you'll I can't be in a house for a week with you guys.

Like, I just can't. That's just not me.

Why?

Because like, that was like, that was Coachella. I just can't be in the same house with you guys. It's just, it's just personal preference. Nothing against you.

If I get a house with Scott and Ty, I get a house, you come up?

100%. I'll come visit. Yeah, I'm not gonna stay there. But yeah, I'd love to come and say hi.

You're not fun.

I am fun. When I come in, I'm gonna visit and I'm gonna have fun with you guys.

No, you're not.

What's wrong with you lately, Jason?

You just got sad.

Ever since you started selling merch, you've become a real douchebag.

It's your merch.

Yeah, but ever since you started selling my merch—

20% off. David had a big 20% off merch sale this week, which did really well. Yeah.

Am I allowed to talk about like how much money we made?

Listen, yeah, why not? People want to know.

I mean, it did great.

I'm super stoked for you.

And I don't know, I guess we shouldn't talk about money.

Why?

The thing— I don't know. I just don't— I don't know.

What did you sell? You don't have to say money. David texted everybody yesterday. We get a text like 10 AM, which is cool. I'm happy to even be involved in any group text with these fucking 20-year-olds who never include me. I always hear David go, oh no, no, I was in the group text, which I'm not in.

Yeah, Jason's not in any of our group, which is odd, but that's fine.

I don't actually— I really—

it'd just be really weird to have you in the group chat when we talk about you. It'd be really hard for us to talk behind your back if you were there.

I really don't care because I'm kidding. I'm 50. And that, that's the beautiful thing too about this relationship here with me and all these guys is I really don't care. Like, my feelings don't get hurt. I don't. I really don't. You're— I'm so— that's what's nice about being old. I don't care. Like, I think everybody was like going out the other night and then someone got like, like tense that maybe I wasn't invited. And I was like, oh, I don't care. Like, I don't want to go at all. Like You know what I mean? Or if you were to invite me, then yeah, maybe I'd go. In other words, I guess in some ways life is so meaningless to me at this point. It's a good thing. Yeah, that's the thing, which is nice. It's free. But David texted us to start pushing the merch because we all have our own merch under David's label at fanjoy.co. And so I sent out a tweet, I did my Snapchat, I did my Instagram story, blah blah blah blah blah. And I guess I sold some shirts, which is awesome.

Sold a couple hundred. We ended up selling 3,000 different items yesterday. Wow, in one day, 3,000 different items.

Dude, you thank your fans. You have the fucking best fans, which is incredible. Incredible fans and smart. We meet them all the time. They're always— maybe those two little two girls. Don't get all—

don't get cocky headed now, all you guys. There's a couple stupid— there's a couple stupid ones of you guys.

Tell me about a stupid fan you met.

No, I've actually never met anyone stupid.

I remember that— remember that girl we met at the Hermosa Beach? She was so sweet. She was like, oh my god, she was like really nice, and she was— she had like funny things to say. Oh, whatever.

They're always really sweet. Sometimes they try to be sassy, like, because they know how the videos are.

Yeah.

And sometimes it comes off really mean, like it does. Do you know what? You've encountered this a couple times.

Yeah, I saw it the other night, actually.

You, you encountered it. Jason was with his kids once, and someone came up to him and was like, you're not really good with your kids, you suck with your— and it's just like, it's 21 Pilots.

Yeah.

It's funny, but it's just like kind of like, it's kind of weird. I don't know.

Yeah, you know what they're going for, but it just comes off hurting my kids. Yeah, I let it go. I'm like, not everyone's like a comedian like me.

And like, if you see Corinna— Corinna's like a girl on my vlogs, we call her like the slut or whatever. And like, if you see her in public and you go up to her and you're like, hey, you're the whore, like, it's just weird, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I could see why people do it, and I do.

I totally— I would— I would—

what I say when I see Corinna too, so I get it.

I would never call anybody out for saying that. I'd laugh. But like it's just a little bit strange, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's almost like when you— like when, like when I make fun of my like younger brother, you know, for being an idiot or whatever, right? Like no one else can make fun of him just because he's my brother. It's just the same thing with like friends and like, yeah, but, but this is—

it's like very— it's all very shorthand comedy here, what we're all doing, you know? It's like, it's, it's like comedy that's done in like Everyone knows it's familiarity. So like when you throw— when you like say, I don't want Scott's merch, everyone laughs because they know that Scott's the punchline of the guy that gets the short end of the stick. It's the same thing with Howard Stern. Like if you would listen to Howard Stern, he'll be like, Ronnie the limo driver is the idiot. Like, and you can just say, oh, it's Ronnie the limo driver, everyone laughs, which is great. It's fun. I'm so grateful to be involved at all because it's— to have fans and cool to hang out.

I could tell you were slipping into some weird trance.

Well, I mean, I can keep talking if you want, Dave. I got a ton of stuff to say. You know, I, I once went to the Museum of Natural History.

We went to, uh, that was Jason's family reunion. We went to Josh's wedding the other day.

Oh, what a night! One of the best nights of my life.

I mean, it was honestly, it just— you guys gotta look at it from my shoes. Like, I think I said this on the last podcast, but I grew up watching Drake and Josh. So it's like a big deal when I went to Josh Peck's wedding and John Stamos was there. Like, what a hole-in-one, do you know what I mean?

I didn't really— never— I never saw the show, but I like Josh a lot, so I had a good time.

It was great. It was a beautiful wedding.

First of all, David refuses to get a suit, does it last minute, which is fine. I get to his house, I got a suit. You got it. 2:45, be at David's house, the new house. I'm there at 2:45, he's not there yet. Okay, fine, I'll wait. He comes in, he puts his suit on, looks pretty good. His hair is a mess, and it's still a mess, by the way. It's a— you know, it's— did you say it was 8 months since you had a haircut?

We're taking a bath. Of course it's a mess right now.

Did you say 8 months?

It's been like a couple months since I got a couple months.

Okay. Yeah, he needs a haircut. He looks like Liam Gallagher from Oasis. Okay, so what, from Oasis?

Mm, nope.

No, no. Harry Styles, lead singer of Supergrass. No, he looks like a Brit rocker.

He looks like Smash Mouth.

We have some 50-year-olds listening to Jason's references.

Are tough, man. Imagine listening to those all day.

I try to keep them at a minimum. Anyways, David wants to wear a hat, the classic Dobrik black baseball cap that he wears to the wedding. I don't love it, but I say okay.

I don't love it either. And I once we had a conversation with Liza about it. Liza's like, don't do it, don't do it. I'm like, but my hair looks pathetic and it's gonna look even worse when you get there. And we get there and I see no one wearing a hat and I'm like, damn it, I gotta make a decision right now. Should I leave this hat in the car? What do I do?

Mm-hmm.

But I was just like, you know what, this is, this is me.

And in typical David fashion, it always fucking works out. David, fucking always works out. It's 100 degrees in Malibu and the service— there's no shade, there's no shade in the service, so we're all baking.

The sun's beating down, beating down.

And now people are turning around to David and going, that was so smart to wear a hat. Yeah, I wish I brought a hat. Look at this guy's hat, this guy knows what to do. And I was just like, oh my God, it was great, it was great. The hat looked good, the hat looked great.

3 or 4 people I think told me that in like a span of like 10 minutes, and I just, every time it happened, I looked at Liza and I'm like, mm-hmm.

I don't think Josh loved that you wore the hat.

No, Josh, I asked Josh before the wedding, I'm like, what do you think about me wearing a hat? He's like, not so sure. And I'm like, I understand. I totally got it.

Yeah.

And I took it off. I would take it on and off.

Yeah.

Because like I wanted to like mix it up.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

But then the sun did start beating down and I was like, oh Okay, hats up. Yeah, we're having a good time. Let's enjoy ourselves.

So we watched the ceremony. It's very beautiful. We were joking around about ruining the wedding during the ceremony, which is hilarious. Not that we would ever do that.

Jason wanted to stand up and just be like, no, no. I gave Jason permission whenever I get married, even if we know each other, if it's in 10, 20, 30 years, even if we don't know each other. I want him to run in and to object to me getting married to whoever I'm marrying. Whoever you marry.

Then we went out, it was a beautiful winery, we hung out, we went and we had drinks. Liza looked beautiful.

Liza looked like Jesus. I mean, not like Jesus, but she had a beautiful pink dress on.

Liza and I had Blackberry Smashes. David didn't drink. There was flowers in the Blackberry Smashes. I had like 2 of those right away. Got super lubricated. Took some pictures.

Lubricated?

Yeah, lubricated.

Okay, whatever. Must be a Smash Mouth reference.

Then we sat down with the one and only John Stamos.

Just sat there with him, just casually.

I was like right across from him. We started talking about dating. I was asking him— his girl— his girlfriend was there, who's— mamma mia, Maroon, oh my God, maybe one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. In like a— and she was like beautiful but also like girl next door-ish.

Jason just couldn't stop hitting on her.

That's not true. I wasn't hitting on her. I was being— look, I was being the life of the party.

I didn't tell you this, but John actually came up to me—

shut up—

and was like, hey, I, I totally respect your friend Jason, and I think it's great what you guys do, but he has to be careful. That's what he said.

You're fucking lying.

Yeah, I am.

You are so lying, because someone did say that at the table.

What?

Someone, someone said that. They're like, oh, someone's hitting on—

you were hitting on his girlfriend? I completely made that up. I didn't even know.

I wasn't hitting—

I mean, Jason loves hitting on people's girlfriends. He'll hit on Liza all the time.

Such an insecure little twerp.

I'm kidding, dude. Oh God, you take everything and you make it so literal. Like, let me have some fun.

Let me just get naughty.

For a comedian, let me just say this, for a comedian, Jason doesn't get jokes.

I do miss a lot of jokes.

Misses a lot of jokes.

I take take things seriously. Like, one time, Liza, I think—

No, let me tell a good story. One time, I needed help with my vlog, and I FaceTimed him. I'm at my house, and I show him my vlog, and it's 4 minutes long. I show him all of it, and he sits there through the FaceTime, watches it. I'm like, "Thank you." I hang up, and then he calls me back in 20 seconds, and I pick up the phone, and I go, "What?" And like, I'm with a friend, and he laughs because he obviously knows what's going on, because I just bothered Jason for like literally 6 minutes. And then Jason, Jason whatever, asked me his question and then hangs up. And then the next day Jason comes up to me and goes, you were a douchebag. And I'm like, dude, it was a joke. And like, these kinds of things Jason misses all the time, and I think it's the funniest thing.

You know what's even funnier? As I was walking up to your house, I was trying to think of something to talk to you about, and I was like, oh, I'll bring up how he— I helped him with his vlog for 6 minutes, and then I asked him one question and he snapped at me. That'll be the topic for my vlog. And I had the camera on when I asked you.

I know.

And you thought I was doing a bit and I was confused.

I'm like, I thought this was a joke. And then it started not looking like a joke.

And I'm sorry.

I'm like, what's going on, moron? But yeah, no, Jason's great. It's great to watch him learn.

It's great.

At 54 years old, it's great to watch Jason grow up into a beautiful adult.

John went through my Raya.

Oh yeah. You know, Raya is a dating app that only celebrities can get on.

And somehow I'm on there, and Jason cheated the system once again somehow. And then we met a guy who was, uh, named Walter, who's gonna— he's a harbormaster, he's gonna take us out on his boat.

And he's like the most like Italian dude ever, like, like out of a movie.

Oh, he's so good looking. I love—

I just loved his like vibe. Like, his name's Walter, like that's literally out of a movie. Yeah, I am Walter, come with me on my yacht.

Yeah.

And I'm like, okay, yeah, sure. Oh, we met this guy. He invited us on a boat whenever we want to go.

We gotta go. We gotta go this summer.

We met Josh's mom.

We met Josh's dad. I mean, Paige's dad, who was an ex-NFL star quarterback. Like, when I was a kid, he was like a big deal. And, uh, it was just so much fun. And I, you know, I talked to Josh's wife for a while. And then Liza takes over the dance floor.

Liza stole the party. My girlfriend. I'm just setting it up for people who don't know who Liza is.

This guy starts rapping Uptown Funk. He's part of the band. And then Liza just gets in there and like everybody, even people that like maybe didn't even know her videos, was like, who is this? Oh, I mean, who's this little ray of sunshine?

I don't think— not too, not too many people knew her videos.

They just— yeah, I think so.

She's so easy to just like fall in love with.

Like, Liza's taking over the dance floor, life of the party. I am dying laughing. And I turn around and I just see David in the baseball hat just sitting in there.

I can't dance.

I know it's not your fault.

And I can't match her.

But you Obviously you can't, but it's just so funny. You're good at other things.

We're polar opposites when it comes to public events.

David and I just shared this look like David— you said it all with just a look. It's basically what you just said. You're just like, yeah, I know, man. It was like David's just like, I don't know what to say. Um, what you're seeing is exactly what's happening. It was so much fun. Really, really fun wedding. Thank you, Josh, for inviting us.

Thank you for having us, Josh.

Super fun. And we hope to, you know, I hope to have you at my wedding next year. Got some news.

Yeah, right.

I haven't met anyone yet, guys.

Jason, your kids are gonna get married before you.

Yeah, no shit. I'll probably meet somebody.

You always say you don't want to get married, so I don't expect you getting married ever.

I just don't understand how people have relationships. I just don't—

yeah, you really don't like relationships.

I just don't get it. How are you supposed to get what you want, you know, with someone else?

You weren't listening to me when I was editing my video. What did you say in my video? I asked you if you were gay. Yeah, and I was like, are you gay? And like, I zoomed in on your face and you were really uncomfortable. Did I hit a nerve? Are you gay? Do you want to tell the podcast right now that you're gay?

What makes you think that I'm gay? Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. I just think like, what makes you— actually, no, let me phrase that. What makes you think that if I was gay I wouldn't tell you? You think like you'd like make fun of me or something?

No, no, no, maybe because like you don't like know it yet. Like, no, I don't think you're gay. I think you'd like— you're bi. I think you—

you think I want to go suck dudes off?

No, no, I mean, that's what that means. No, I just feel like the way you view relationships is like a gay man. I don't know. I've met a lot of gay people and like they're they kind of love everything rather than like one person. Yeah, they're like really into the whole thing. Does that make sense?

Or am I a hedonist? For sure.

What's a hedonist?

A hedonist is somebody that, you know, parties to excess or likes excess. You know, like, I will do— drink a lot.

Oh, like cock in your ass?

I suppose that is.

All right, that's all the time we have. Join us for the next podcast when Jason comes out.

Yeah, check out our social medias. I need it more than David, so go watch my videos.

Yeah, go, go watch Jason's videos.

Yeah, help me. And I love you guys, and, and it's so great.

Another shout out to MeUndies for paying us money that we don't know.

And I'll be, I'll be dead serious, swear on my kids, I own 4 pairs of MeUndies. They are bomb-ass. And if you're old like me and you have saggy balls—

okay, that's it, they're great. I'll see you guys.

No, no, they really keep your balls in.

We get it, we got it. All right, bye guys.