Watching Porn at a Sleepover

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I just got back from Chicago for St. Patrick's Day. We are well rested and we're ready to start podcasting again.

More lies for the next 40 minutes, and here we go.

We're well rested and we didn't consume any drugs or alcohol at all.

We didn't.

I know, I just wanted to sound cool like we possibly may have. Uh, all right, roll the intro music. Hey guys, so Jason, I just got back from St. Patrick's Day. Oh, this is The Views Podcast. Jason's 46, who cares. I'm David, 22, and we do this podcast called The Views. We talk about a whole bunch of random stuff. Yeah, starting with how are you?

I'm good.

So the other day I was— I'm kidding, you can tell people.

Tell people what?

How you are. Oh, I was cutting you off on purpose. You don't even notice anymore because I just do it so often.

No, you do. You do it so much and you don't even notice it.

I know.

I know. I I don't notice it.

I noticed Joe was asking me a question earlier and I was just spaced out, and Joe's just like, never mind, like just gave up on it completely. And I was like, wait, wait, I want to hear it, but like, I know, like, I'm not— I don't know.

I've asked you full large, large financial questions and you haven't answered, and then they've just gone through and I've made a ton of money. Those are the best.

Dude, I need to borrow $30,000. I'm gonna do it right now. Is that okay? Can I grab the money? All right, cool, Dave. Thanks.

David's like Laural or Yanny? Literally.

Um, well, we were— it's funny, we were, we were leaving Chicago the other day— not the other day, literally yesterday— and, um, we had like a budget rental car and we were really late for our flight, so we were like really scared we're gonna miss it. And, um, we were going to return the car, but the place was like— it was a full line just to return your car. And then it turns out it wasn't the right place to return the car. So we were just like, we don't know what to fucking do at all. Like, we were so confused. So I, I was like, Natalie, I have, I have, I have 3 interviews tomorrow or today in 4, in like 6 hours. So I have to get to LA. Just meet me in LA later. So she dropped me off at the front and I was like, good luck. If you can catch the flight, you can catch the flight. And I mean, she doesn't care because she, her job is the same wherever she is, either LA or Chicago.

Right.

So, so she had to go back and find a bunch of cars while I went. I got on my flight. This is like Survivor.

You ever see Survivor?

And then they give you like, it was fucking intense.

Yeah.

And, and yeah, so I had to upgrade myself to first class because Natalie didn't book it originally. So I was upgrading myself to first because I needed to skip all the line. Yeah, because the line, the line was ridiculous. I had like 15 minutes to get on my flight because it was like, or the board, the end, end of the boarding process was about to happen. So I remember I was upgrading myself to first class and the TSA woman was standing over me and I was taking out my credit card like to put it in the machine because you can automatically upgrade yourself. And she goes, why are you taking out your credit card? And I go, oh, I need to pay this. And she goes, oh, first class! She gives me a high five. And it was so sweet. I was like, thank you. And she's like, you're about to have a great time, aren't you? Meanwhile, I'm like miserable because I haven't slept. I'm like, yeah, I'm really excited. And then, and then these two girls walked up to me asking me for a picture. I took a picture with them and then they were leaving and I was like, wait, can you do me a favor?, and I gave them, I gave them $50 each and I had Natalie drive back to the terminal and we just handed them the car and we're just like, just do whatever you want with it. And we got on our flight. Wow. Yeah. So I gave the girls that asked me for a picture our budget car because Natalie called me. She's like, I can't find it. I'm like, I don't fucking know. They're just come back.

The girls are like 12 years old.

I think they're old enough to drive. I'm just like, I'm just like, please take it. I don't know if I literally— they're like, what do you want me to do with it? And I'm like, either take it back to budget or take it home. Just get it out of here.

Give it to your dad.

Give it to your parents.

Surprise.

Um, no, I, I, they, they definitely got it back because they're very sweet girls and I'm really appreciative they did it.

But I was on a plane. I flew economy on the way out with you trying to save some cash, David.

And, uh, it's so shitty that like, like we all fly first class now. I mean, you're pretty good at—

now that's why I went back to economy. Yeah. Because I wasted a lot of money last year. It's like I flew my kids first class.

Yeah, I know, you were fucking— that was crazy.

That was like, hey guys, I'm really sorry we got divorced. First class, check out JetBlue Mint.

Check out JetBlue Mint. First class is fun unless it's like, um, but that first class wasn't good. Yeah, yeah, sorry, first class is good unless it's like, unless it's like when you're flying to Chicago, the first class sucks.

It's not good.

But when you're going to New York, it's worth it because you can fully lay down. It's insane. The whole experience is like you're in Disneyland.

I got on, I got my little seat. It is quite— listen, it's quite a trip to go back. Yeah, I don't know if you've gone back lately. To economy, because I go back.

Yeah, yeah, it is. Unless I have window. The only thing I'm scared about economy— the only problem I have with economy is the middle seat. That's it. I, I can sit economy window aisle, no fucking problem. I'll do it all day. But it's the middle. It's when they randomly place you in the middle. Oh yeah, that should be illegal.

Like, I see—

it's like, it— like, I— yeah, it's crazy.

Oh, I have something. I got offered to take testosterone. And, um, and I was like, well, I heard it because, you know, I go to the gym and nothing happens anymore. Like, I used to— I used to go to the gym and I would kind of get in shape, you know.

How long have you been going to the gym?

I've been going to the gym now for 6 months. Okay. A trainer, proper LA trainer, a good one.

I told my dad you've been going to the trainer. What'd he say? Are you sure?

Are you sure he's going— not going to the library? What's he mean?

Wingstop? Wingstop is trainer? That's what you call Buffalo Wild Wings is trainer in LA?

It was great seeing your dad. But no, I got— I was trying to get— someone's talking me into taking like natural testosterone. I said, I said, oh, is it? But doesn't it like shrink your balls? And the guys go, uh, they go, well, yeah, you know.

And then I thought, that's probably good.

Good for me.

It shrinks your balls. Okay, you should take testosterone for the sole fact to shrink your balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're Jason's ball. If anybody Fun fact about Jason's balls, they're very scary.

When have you seen them?

Seen them a couple times.

Oh, at Mardi Gras.

Remember one time we didn't have an idea for a vlog, so you put your balls on Todd's face?

Oh yeah, people love that.

That was one of my favorites.

I love ideas that you're like, oh, this is not good, and then people end up liking it.

Well, I like that idea a lot because it's so relatable, because people have put balls on my face a lot. Really? Yeah, I mean, everyone used to do that in high school at sleepovers. You've never had a good sleepover? A good sleepover has to have one person's balls on your face.

Oh, I thought you meant when you were a prostitute.

No, nothing.

I haven't had a good sleepover, I guess.

Have you? Did you do sleepovers?

My sleepovers were really awful.

Did you do sleepovers as a kid?

My mouth, uh, yeah, I did sleepovers. I used to cry.

Really?

Yeah, when I was younger. Yeah, I used to not like going away at all. Did you like to just get out of the house and you were 8?

You know what was weird during my sleepovers? Jerking off was like a normal thing.

Why the f— Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This'll be my new thing, like my middle cam.

Wait, what?

When David says something that's outrageous. Um, that's crazy. Who would jerk off at a sleepover?

Well, we wouldn't do it. What would happen is like we'd all be like on Pornhub and we'd all find videos that we like and we'd share them with each other. And then we go one by one to the bathroom.

This is like when we were like younger kids. We just discovered that we had penises, and we just discovered that if you touch your penis, it makes you happy.

So yeah, I mean, it's unspoken, like, or would you be like, alright guys, I'm gonna go jerk off in there now?

No, it wasn't unspoken. You definitely tell the other person.

I also had like a really, like, like, I remember like, and then when you come out, is it the guys go, hey, how'd it go? Or like, like that?

Or no, the rest of the guys are just playing video games, and maybe like one guy would say a comment like, 'Oh, is it fun?' And then everybody else will be playing video games. Like, so you wouldn't really notice. I feel like we had a— like, I don't know, middle school was really like sexual, and so was like the beginning of high school. Like, I know, like, like, it's such a sexual place. Like, all the kids are always fucking horny. All they're talking about is sex. And I don't know, like, when the first couple people have sex, it's like the talk of the town. And then everybody's like, 'Well, we can do sex now. We're old enough to have sex,' right? Like, I remember that's how it was. It was probably a big deal. Yeah, it was crazy. I never even thought about having sex. I didn't even know that was possible.

It didn't really bother me when other people were having sex.

I'd just be like, oh no, never bothered me. But yeah, because it never like seemed like something I could do.

It never seemed like something I could do either. Yeah, yeah. Hey, I think we have a bunch of ads this week.

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Oh, we went to the Tesla event.

We did go. Tesla unveiled a new car. It was a Model Y. And I just found this out. Tesla has 4 main cars that are flagship cars. It's the Model S, the Model X, the Model 3, and now the Model Y. And I don't know why I just realized this, but he's spelling out sexy. Yeah. So the Model S, And Model 3 backwards is an E, and then X and Y.

So he tried to get E and Ford went nuts on him.

Yeah, apparently Ford wouldn't let him do E, so he's like, can I do 3? And they let him do it. Um, yeah, so Elon Musk was there, it was really cool. He was presenting the car and we were standing pretty close to the stage. And I remember before it started, there was a, um, there was like, there was, there was a little TV that had a picture of the car on it. No one's seen the car yet, the new car. And I go, Oh Jesus Christ, I hope that's not the Model Y. Looks fucking hideous. And, um, and, and we all look and we're like, oh yeah, yeah, that's pretty ugly, because we just saw it on the screen. And, um, and then, and then literally like 20 seconds passed by and there's this woman standing in front of us. She has a Tesla shirt on. And I started asking her, I'm like, when do you think, um, when do you think he's coming on? She's like, in 20 minutes. And I'm like, um, have you seen the Model Y yet? Like, have you seen the car?

Yeah.

And she goes Yeah, I designed it. And she turns back around. I felt so fucked. She was standing in front of me the entire time when I was like—

you know, she didn't have to say it like that. She could have said, yeah, I designed it.

She, she kind of did say it like that, but she like—

I heard her say it and I didn't think she was being snippy at all.

She wasn't. Yeah, I'm not blaming her at all. I just feel so bad. Why? Because this woman fucking worked on this car for a couple months.

She was standing next to the camera guy making sure that no one bumped him. She did not look like a designer out there. It was a guy on sticks.

Well, I know it was a complete accident. I didn't know she was a designer. I think they have all hands on deck over there, but I felt so bad that I'm standing right behind her and I'm like, drinks. Oh, that is an ugly car. Like, ah, fuck, it's literally the last person I should have said that.

I thought it was interesting to— I'd never been to— you've been before, and I thought it was interesting just to see like all the Tesla heads there. Yeah, who were just like, what's it gonna be? And they, they stood like it was like a concert.

Yeah, you know, to see the new car.

And when he would say stuff, he would be like, okay he would call out attributes to the car, they would cheer. Yeah, you know, remember what I said to the designer? How are the cup holders? And she didn't laugh at all.

Oh yeah, she didn't like any jokes about our—

uh, they would cheer. Floor mats!

Yes! Yeah, Elon would go, this one has 4 windows!

Yes!

I got to shoot with Kylie Jenner this week, which was really fun.

Real fun. Came out good. Congrats. Thanks. That's a big moment for you.

Why are you saying it like you're jealous?

Because I am.

Um, no, it was great. We got to, yeah, it was great. Oh my God, it was so much fun. Yeah, it came out great. Literally, I say this, but I don't know why I'm always so surprised when I hang out with a celebrity. Every time I'm like, why is it, why am I surprised, David? But I'm like, oh, she was great. Like, she was so nice. And I was, I don't know why.

You're surprised when a celebrity is normal.

Is normal, sorry, that's what I'm trying to say.

I couldn't get it out. Stars, they're just like us, as Us Weekly would say.

We were filming this, we were filming this bit where we were surprising people. Um, with Kylie. And then we got hungry, so we went to go eat. And we went to go sit at like a table just in like a random like bar, um, and there's a bunch of people around. And it's so crazy, we walked into like the first restaurant and everybody's head turned. Oh my God, it was like— yeah, it was crazy. Everybody's head turned. So then we walked out, we went to another one, we got a burger somewhere else. And we were sitting down, and it's crazy, no one walked up to us and asked for a picture. Because it was like they were like almost like scared. Like when me and you sit down, like people walk up to us because they don't care that we're fucking eating, because, you know, we're just— but it's like it was so different with Kylie. Interesting. There was like this level of like, oh my God, she's Kylie, we gotta, we gotta fuck off, like we can't come up to her. But like with us, it's like we're people's pals, so people show up to our fucking house and knock on our door 50 times, or, you know, yeah, grab us in public or whatever. Um, So it was just so interesting seeing that.

So interesting seeing like being respected when someone's at your house and they're like, listen, oh my God, people have your address. It's so—

and I just wanted to let you know, dude, it's the worst if someone comes up to my house. Like the other day I went on a run. I know it's crazy. I went on a run and this girl comes right by me and like right outside my garage and she goes, can I have a picture with you? And I, and I'm like running by her. I'm like, I'm sorry, I can't. Not in front of my house. Like I didn't even stop. Right. I was like, I got, I gotta go. And Her mom yells and her mom goes, get in the car, we'll follow him. And I go, no, no, guys, I can't do anything in my neighborhood. And like, they just don't understand it. It's always parents driving their kids here.

Sure.

Which is so insane to me.

Yeah, I'd probably do it.

You would do it too? Yeah, I'd probably do it. You drive your kids here and that, that already makes me fucking insane. When your own kids show up at my door, I would go, what the fuck are you guys doing here?

Oh yeah. Charlie never wants to come in. Yeah, Wyatt always wants to come in.

I heard they've been— they've been voting for me for the Kids' Choice Awards.

They have been voting for you. Last night I was with them, we were playing music, I was watching them.

Yeah, I'm nominated for Kids' Choice Award, which is— thank you guys, thanks for that.

But yeah, go. Yeah, and Wyatt was like, I just want to let you know that, uh, um, I voted, uh, 7 times for David.

Oh no way.

And I was like, I didn't even ask him to. I thought that was so nice.

Yeah, that is really nice. Yeah, my mom makes all my siblings vote every day individually. They do.

Yeah. How is that? How is, um, talking to your senior siblings? It's interesting. Oh, it's so big now.

They're fucking huge. I know, they're adults. It's so crazy because like the last like memories I have with my siblings are like them barely knowing how to form sentences, or at least in my head, like they were still like, like they still didn't speak much, but now they're like actual human beings that can function on their own. You know what I mean? Like they can go to like the mall by themselves. I can have any kind of conversation I want with them, which is really interesting.

Um, they were really excited to meet Jeff.

Yeah, they're really excited to meet Jeff, and I made sure that didn't happen.

One time I was on a flight to Hawaii. I was going to visit my ex, my ex-wife. She was working in Hawaii. She was doing like a show for ABC, and so I had nothing to do. I didn't have a job or anything. She was just like, bring the kids to Hawaii because I'm gonna be here for like 3 weeks.

Who paid for that?

Uh, we did. I mean, the production didn't pay for it. Oh yeah, 3 tickets to Hawaii. She already had her own.

You're married, is it one credit card, one bank account, everything? Yeah. Get the fuck out.

Yeah, you better watch out when you get married, you're gonna have to give all your money.

Well, I'm gonna marry— I'm gonna— I'm gonna marry rich now that you told me this.

I can just use anybody's—

taken. I can just use anybody's money. Yeah. Oh Jesus Christ.

Oh, I see what you're saying. I get it, you're gonna use someone else's money. And not tell them that you have your money.

I'm cheap.

Yeah, offshore account.

I get it. Oh, so okay, bank account that came in. I did not know that. That is okay. That's really interesting. So your money combines. I don't know why I'm just finding this out because I thought you still have two separate bank accounts.

No, she pays me on salary.

What do you think? Okay, so yeah, so you took money out. I love how that wasn't the interesting part of the story.

Take any money out. We just bought some tickets on a credit card. Are you an alien?

Where are you from? Okay, go, go.

So anyways, so this is like during a time when I like wasn't too happy with myself. Sure, you know what I mean? I mean, I love my kids.

What time was this? Yesterday? I wasn't too happy with myself.

I wasn't too happy with my place in life. Yeah, so she's like, you know, bring the kids, I want to see them. And again, I understand. So she's doing this big show for ABC, a submarine show with all these sets in Hawaii, and the kids are very excited.

Submarine show? Yeah. What fucking show was it called?

Um, I don't know, Andre Brauer was in it. It was called Scott Foley—

not Scott Foley, Scott, uh, Jace, what was the show called? I've only seen one show the entire season on ABC.

This was 7 years ago.

What was the show called, Jason?

I don't remember. Uh, it was called, uh, I make a call Marnie if you want. It was called like the SS Boner or something, or it was called Last Resort.

It was Last Resort.

Last Resort.

Are you fucking serious?

Yeah, why?

I watched that show in its entirety.

You did?

I loved that show. That's so crazy. I watched on my ABC app. I watched literally the entire— and they never made another season.

No, it got canceled. Yeah. Oh my God, Marty will love you.

Holy shit.

Wait, did you watch her new show and love it?

She worked on Last Resort?

Yeah, she's executive producer.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Your ex-wife worked on a show that, like, dude, I've, I've literally only watched like The Bachelor, Last Resort, and this other movie where this woman got kidnapped.

I don't know. Yeah, you're not a big TV watcher.

No, not at all. No, like for dramas. I'm talking about like drama.

Check out SWAT on CBS.

You'll like that too. That is crazy. I love how you just said some, some submarine show in Hawaii and I go, what? Oh, that's fucking crazy. Yeah, I, I completely watch that show. I got so pissed when it didn't get renewed because I remember— oh yeah, that's crazy. Okay, what was it about?

It was like a nuclear situation.

Yeah, they were all like, yeah, Jason, did you say submarine show? I was like, fucking Last Resort. That is fucking insane. Okay, go.

Well, anyway, so I get on a plane to Hawaii. Yeah, kids are really young. They're like, I don't know, 6 and 3. Yeah, right. So that's tough. That's tough. You got to be on an airplane with them for 5 hours, keep them occupied.

Oh, 6 and 3?

Yeah, it's a lot of work.

Was Charlie already a smartass?

No, she was real sweet then. Oh, she's real sweet. But so anyways, I'm sitting there on the plane and I got the 2 kids and I'm like, here you go. I'm putting Cheerios out, I'm putting crayons out. I'm like, well, I'm like, I want to watch a movie. My headphones don't work. You know, just regular kid stuff. I'm working. I'm working hard to try to— and you got to keep them quiet because then people give you dirty looks.

That's the worst.

It's the worst. Oh, you ever have a baby on a plane? If you're the person with the baby?

Oh my God, I feel bad. I feel so bad for those people.

Oh, one time Wyatt took a dump right in the aisle.

You're fucking kidding.

Yeah, I mean, he was a baby, so like the diaper like wasn't on properly and just like right in the aisle.

Your son took a shit in the middle of the airplane?

Oh yeah, really? My dog took a shit at a really nice hotel in the lobby once.

What happened? They kicked us out. Not just the dog?

Yeah, they're like, you can't stay here. They were so mad.

What hotel?

Surf and Sand. Oh wow. Yeah, every time I go and put a drive-by there, I always—

they give you dirty looks. Yeah, that's the fucking guy. Wait, your son took a middle— your son took a little bathroom break in the middle of the bathroom of the airplane?

He was literally a baby. Oh, okay. So it just like squirted.

What did people say? Oh my God, they must have lost their mind.

Yeah, it was— it was so ridiculous.

No, people have no sympathy for people with babies, and I fucking hate that.

It was so ridiculous and awful. That they just let it go. I mean, sometimes you get nice people who are like, "Understand, it's a baby. There's nothing you can do." Oh, these people weren't understanding? That time it was. Anyways, I'm on the plane. I'm sitting there. There's a seat next to me. This woman brings the kid back to me and she goes, "Hi." She goes, "This is Marshall. I see you have children. I'm gonna put him right here with you." Like that.

Get the fuck out.

I go, excuse me? And he's 4. He's 4 years old. And she's like, yes. She's like, he'll be, he'll be better back here with the other children. And I was like, oh my God, I was like, no, no. Oh, I know what it was. Her sister was sitting next to me at first, so they swapped. They— she's like, I'm gonna— the sister's gonna come sit with me.

Oh wow.

And I was like, that is bold. I was like, I don't want to take care of another child. He seems lovely. I don't want to take care of another. I'm already taking care of two back here. And she's just like, she's like, you know, I, I, he'll be fine, he'll be fine. I am pissed. 5 hours with this kid and he's, you know, he's a good kid. And so eventually he needs so much, so much tending to. My juice, my this, my Marshall. Yeah, Marshall.

Oh, you were actually like helping this kid?

Oh, I took care of him for 5 hours. I, I was I was absolutely livid.

Oh, I would have been like, fuck you, get out of here.

There was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could do. And I'm looking at the adults up front. They're drinking, they're laughing, they're having fun. I am steaming. I am steaming. And so into like the third or fourth hour, it's like, whatever. I tame these kids. I do a great job. They're laughing, they're having a great time. Sure. And but I'm still pissed. I'm still seething. Anyways, get off the flight, the mom comes back. She comes back and she goes, um, she goes, thank you so much for watching him. She goes, his father passed away 3 days ago. Oh wow, like that. So shows you, don't be a dick. Holy fuck.

Yeah, what did you say when she told you that?

I was crushed. I was like, oh. I was like, that's terrible. She goes, yeah, come on, Marshall.

My god.

Yeah. And then I went to see Last Resort.

Yeah, this story's great.

I mean, it sucks the kid died.

The story is everything I need. Poor fucking kid. Do you think a kid that young knows what happens? No, he doesn't.

I don't think he got it.

That was the saddest part, is that he had no idea that his dad was gone.

Didn't get it. I don't think. That was so sad. I always think about dying before my kids grow up. It's all I think about. I just want to make it until they're like 25. Every day I think about it. Don't want to die on them.

I know, but you're going to. You have to accept it now.

So no, no, David.

So it's not so hard when it actually—

I have lost weight. Thank you.

I didn't say that.

I thought I heard that. No. Interesting.

Is that one of the jokes you had written down? Uh, you like read it off your phone?

No, I should have it.

It's tough hiring people. I mean, you know that. You know how hard it is.

I know, I was fired to find you.

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What's up, weenies? It's your boy Joe from Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. I am here sitting with some lovely gents, beautiful eyes on both of them. I don't have anything planned, unfortunately.

You told us this was gonna be the best weenie yet.

I hyped things up, but I did— I'm gonna make some lunch for us after. I bought a sad egg. I bought it from some— I have an egg guy. I bought— it's called an emo egg, and I'm gonna be cooking it later if you guys want to stick around for some brunch. That's the end.

Thanks.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Give me back my emo egg.

Joe, what is this?

Joe, Joe, what is this? It's— guys, this is a green— looks like an avocado, but it's cold. Is it really an egg? Is it a dinosaur egg? No, it's an emo egg. What does that mean, an emo egg? Why are you—

sad egg?

Why are you entertaining this, Jace?

You're right. Fucking slap me in the face.

I don't know why you're the fuck— who gives? Get the fuck out of here, Joe.

You know what he said? He goes, he goes, he goes, if you guys need me to be earlier in the podcast, I got a great one. This— I got a great teeny weeny.

I know he said that. I heard him Before I— before I did the ad read, he turned to me and he goes, you want to bring in the big guns? That's what he said.

He's like—

and he told me when we were sitting down too, right when he walks in the door, he's like, I have a good teeny weeny plan for today. And I was like, great, this is—

I'm—

we need it. What the fuck was that? Yeah, Joe, plan something, for God's sakes. You have one week to think about 25 fucking seconds. We don't know shit about you. I don't even know your last name. Just say something else other than your stupid-ass eggs. Okay, he won't be back next week. I'll make sure of that.

Hey, you know what's funny? After videoing this— Joe, what? You know what's funny? After videoing this thing, one funny comment I read was Jason looks at David like he's either in love with him or wants to murder him.

Yeah, we were— yeah, this podcast is now available on YouTube, so people like see us visually.

Yeah.

And it's so funny because, because one of the comments was like, wow, like, I, I'm finally seeing how decrepit Jason is. I only heard David talk about it, but seeing, seeing the video really makes it clear to me because your stomach was hanging out the entire time during our last podcast.

I've been tucked in this time.

Yeah, you tucked your shirt in.

I lost a little.

Little what?

I lost 4 pounds in Chicago.

Little thread in your shirt? You lost 4 pounds in Chicago?

I did. Wow. I ran every day.

I was eating like a pig in Chicago. Yeah, I ran into someone with my merch at the airport the other day and the girl like freaked out. I took a picture with her. And I walked to go get like to buy something from the store and I ran into another person with my merch. Wow. Fucking nuts. And then money fell out of your pocket and I tried to get the wallet out of my pocket but it was stuck. Yeah, because it was so heavy.

And then you gave some to Jason.

It's just the best feeling.

What?

No, it's the best feeling when you see somebody wearing your clothes. It's like, it's, it's one thing to like have them support you and like leave nice comments and like like your pictures and stuff like that.

Yeah.

But it's another when someone's gone out of the way to order something and to like wear around the street, like, supporting you. It's just fucking insane.

We were out, we all wore Clickbait sweatshirts out on St. Patty's Day, and it was pretty wild in the street at one point. And you just heard one drunk guy, he just goes, what the hell is Kickbait?

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Yeah, I think that would be nice.

And it's already really tough for me because I already invited both of my siblings, so I don't have any more tickets.

You just said you had 7— you had a ton of tickets.

All right, yes, that did come out of my mouth, but I am gonna— you know what I decided just now as you asked me about your kids? Yeah, I'm gonna give the tickets away to random strangers.

Wow. Okay, well, you know what, I'm gonna go get 2 tickets on my own. I was just on Craigslist and there's some tickets available there.

And you're right, you're gonna go to Kids' Choice Awards by yourself?

Yeah, I'm gonna go me and Wyatt, my, my pal, my best friend Wyatt, my best friend, my, my best creative partner actually, the guy I enjoy making content with the most.

My son, your son who calls you Daddy still.

And because we are so close, and right when your category gets announced, I think Wyatt and I will probably just take off right when they announce Emma Chamberlain and then your name. Right before they say your name, I'll go, you know what, let's cut out of here. Why don't we go and, uh, sure, and we'll just just, uh, you know, go get a sandwich and shoot a family vlog.

And then you're going for the rest of the show?

Yeah, I'm gonna go for the rest of the show. I'll probably just take off, and then I'll wait till Monday and find out if you won or not. And then when someone tells me, I'll go, oh cool, good for David. How about that?

Wow, okay, that'd be fun. Well, that was all a test.

You have extra tickets and you won't give one to one?

I genuinely don't have extra tickets.

I heard you do.

No, I don't. I genuinely don't. I had to like fight for my siblings.

You did?

And you know, if I'm fighting for my family, it means something. No, I'm kidding.

Um, are you excited about it? You know who you're saying sitting with Josh? Are you presenting?

No, I'm not sitting with Josh.

Why not?

That doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, I don't—

Josh Peck is literally my Nickelodeon mentor. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not sure who I'm sitting next to. I'm sitting right behind Jack and Jack. That's all I know.

Are Jack and Jack nominated? I don't know. I like Jack and Jack.

Yeah, they're nice guys.

They're really nice. They had good Vines. I haven't kept up with them.

They had good Vines. They were like the guys who started like making good Vines, and their music is pretty good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I met him once at a party and they were very nice to me. Anytime someone your age is nice to me, I love that.

I am just blown away. My favorite part is when we like leave a party and like you hang out with some of my new young friends. Yeah, and you go, you know, I really liked her. I go, yeah, yeah. Sometimes like even like during the party, I like go to the person that you're talking to and like when you're not paying attention, I'd be like, hey, can you be nice to him?

You don't do that.

No, I've done a couple times.

You have not. You're lying. You're lying. You're lying. You're a liar.

Just say you're lying.

You've never done that.

I've done it once or twice.

To who? Who did you tell someone to be nice to me to?

I did it to Stas, Kylie. No, you did not. No, I did it to Stas and Kelsey. I did it to Stas and Kelsey, and I was like, I was like, go talk to Jason.

Um, oh wow, it's all— I'm putting together all the, the parts now because I remember when they came and talked to me at a party.

No, no, but when they— but when, when I do tell them, they go, oh yeah, that— like, we were just gonna— like, they don't—

they're not like, oh, Like, oh God, David, no, please don't make us.

So they were like already planning on going to talk to you, so it's not like a big deal. People like you, people genuinely do like you. It's funny because it's like, it's tough to like break you into new— like the people that, you know, like when we hang out with people and they don't watch the videos, right, and they have no idea who you are. Yeah, it's really tough to break you in, and I always try my best. Well, not like to break—

I'm like dead weight.

I meant to like break the ice. Sure, because it's like everyone's like, okay, Hold on, he's a little bit older than us. So like, I usually, you know, it's, it's, it's the best to start with like an old joke. Yeah. To get people going, oh, okay, we're all in agreeance. He is older than us. And then, and then like, it's so, it's easy to warm up to you. Okay. Once, once you start talking to you, but like the first second when you see it's rough. Yeah. When you, when you see you're standing there at like a birthday party, it's like, that's weird. I thought they would have the waiter stand outside the room.

Who brought their dad? I have a question. Be honest.

Yeah.

Did you tell Jackson and Ray to be nice to me?

No, you didn't? No, they were nice on their own. Okay. Yeah, that, that one warmed my heart when I, when I saw Ray being nice to you and Jackson. I was like, yeah, I can't believe they did that without me asking. No, I've genuinely only done it like once or twice. Yeah. And it wasn't like, be nice to him. It was like, go talk to Jason.

I don't know whether— oh, you know what, I don't know whether to thank you or be mad at you.

You know what it was? It was to Stass and Kelsey. I went, I went, Jason really likes you guys. He thinks you're— he thinks you're really nice. Just to like get them to warm up to you, right? Because they initially thought that like none of our friend group liked them. So, okay, that's which isn't true. Yeah, we all really like them. So yeah, so then I warmed them up and then they came around to you and then, you know, it was a nice little, nice little touch.

It's hard too because those, a lot of those friends of yours are like pretty fabulous.

What do you mean?

Well, they're, you know, they have like a lot going on.

Oh, sure, good-looking. I think, I think I felt the same way you did when we went to that party with John Stamos. Oh yeah, I felt that way. Yeah, I was really young, right? You were the youngest guy there, and like, if it wasn't for John vouching for me, right, I would have felt weird. But then John vouched for me, and then I like felt like I fit in with the older crowd, right? And that felt really good. Yeah, so I kind of felt your pain there.

Fire Festival dude loved you.

Yeah, he was great. I love the Fire Festival guy. He was funny.

He was really nice.

I don't know. Have you ever felt like you were like an outcast?

Right when I walked in today to do this podcast and I said hello to you and you said nothing back.

I was eating chicken noodle soup.

You weren't. Oh yeah, you hadn't even touched the soup yet. You were just sitting right there. You trained today? I did train.

How'd it go? I train like every day now.

Every single day? Yeah. Good for you, David.

It's bad.

Guys, you should know David is a really good athlete. I feel— He's just let himself go.

I feel like shit.

You do.

I feel so horrible. My— I cannot lift my arms like above my head. I had to just sleep yesterday. Yeah, I think it's cuz when you first start working out, right, it's like the worst, like the first 3 weeks. Yeah, it's like all sore. I think that's where I'm at. I, you know, but that's— but then vice versa. I used to work out every day for like a while, like when I first moved here, and I stopped working out because I stopped getting sore. And I was like, I'm not getting sore. I don't think anything's fucking happening anymore. I was like, screw this. So I quit. So, so now I'm complaining about being sore, but I know once I stop being sore, I'm gonna be like, oh, maybe I'm not getting any results anymore.

Will there be any, like, once you get ripped, will there be any ripped pics on Instagram that we can look forward to?

I don't think so. I don't think that's my thing, but I'm so excited just for myself to be ripped. My trainer today was like, he was like, I'm surprised that like you're not recording our entire workout. He's like, I'm really glad that you don't do that. And I'm like, what? He's like, yeah, most social media people I work out just just work out just for the camera. Oh really? Oh, that is so weird. I'm so— please do not record me working out. Yeah, that's so weird. Like, you wouldn't like to be recorded working out, right? No, right? I look like a fucking dead fish flopping around on a yoga mat. Yeah, I look like I'm not doing anything. I look so awful. I groan.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, I make all kinds of sounds. When was it— were you ever in school and someone like stood, like, stood up for you? That's like, that's like, it's always such a weird feeling.

Yeah, yeah, I had, I had, I had, I once had a bully suddenly turn and stand up for me. Oh, that was, that was probably, it just shook my whole world.

Out of a fucking movie. Yeah, what happened?

I don't know.

Wait, but what was the situation?

Who had like bullied me forever? Yeah.

And then another kid came up and called you a pussy. Yeah, he was like, hey, he's my pussy.

Yeah, and I was like, what's going on? It was older kids.

Kids.

Okay, so it's like an older kid that used to like bully me and stuff, and then one day, I guess, he decided he liked me. I don't know what I did. That's kind of what happened with me and you. What do you mean?

I used to bully you, and then I figured out I kind of like you.

No, you started to like me, and then you started to bully me.

Oh yeah. Um, no, no.

Um, I've never had anyone stand up for me around here.

I stand up for you all the time.

When? Oh, with Kelsey Stass? Yeah, I guess so. You're right.

Everywhere. No, I stand up for you a lot.

That's different. There's no one coming at me.

I always speak positively about you other than being on the podcast or filming with you, right? Like, I'll never go like, fuck Jason, like during an interview, unless like I'm like, you know, like, unless like prompted me to be funny. But like, you're kidding.

What? Unless you're kidding. Yeah. Yeah, but like, you wouldn't say that about anybody. You would never say fuck anybody.

No, I know, but like, I know, like, I know like we like make fun of each other the most, but like it's only here. But like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do like an interview with somebody and be like, yeah, Jason sucks.

I always speak highly of you.

Yeah, yeah, you do.

Yeah, except to my mom. Yeah, no, I'm just kidding. My mom got a job offer yesterday. She got a call from like some fashion company. She got an email from a fashion company. She's like, is your mom available Thursday night for 2 hours?

Oh, someone contacted you?

Yeah, to have my mom come make an appearance.

Oh, get the fuck out.

Yeah, but she's in Boston.

For how much?

They didn't say, but to come for 2 hours to a party. Yeah, I never get offered that. That's— no one ever offers me to come to a party for 2 hours.

She's a human sacrifice.

Sacrifice.

That sounds like that type of thing.

I don't think we want to have something to do with eyeshadow.

Oh yeah, that sounds like—

is that what it usually is?

That was human sacrifices. That's definitely human sacrifice.

So listen, man, what's the deal? You're gonna win this weekend or what? What do you think your chances are?

I don't know. Are you excited? I'm so pumped.

Is it nice just to be nominated?

It's so nice. It's genuinely— I— it's like the biggest deal for me.

You think you'll get slimed?

I hope, fingers crossed. Isn't that the best part?

If you win, do you get slimed?

I used to watch the Kids' Choice Awards equally as I watched the Oscars or Grammys. So it was those three. It was the Oscars, Grammys, and Kids' Choice Awards every year. Would not miss it for the world.

What were some of your favorite Kids' Choice moments?

I can't really think of any. Yeah, but like, it was just so cool. Did you vote? One year I did.

Who'd you vote for?

I think either something about iCarly or Drake Josh. I'm not sure, but, um, actually, I don't know. I may have not voted. I texted into— oh, I voted for American Idol one year. Yeah, that was weird. It's weird when you catch yourself voting for things like that.

Why? Because it's like, isn't that kind of fun? I guess. Isn't that what you do when you're a kid and you're just like hanging out? That's why it has nothing better to do.

Yeah, you're so voted for.

That's awesome. He voted for Emma Chamberlain 8 times. Like, 2 though. Oh, fuck. No, just kidding. Um, it was so nice of him. No, no, it was, um, you think he could get a ticket out of it, but I guess not.

Yeah, it's so weird. Well, whatever, life's life.

Actually, I don't really want to drive down there anyway. Yeah, you don't want to go so far down. I do want to go if I was alone. I would go. I want to see, see you, that, but I don't want to go and like sit through the other people.

The Kids' Choice Awards are the best. I used to like them as a kid because it's like you watch all these shows as a kid and you don't really understand that those are real people. And then you see them in the room together, right? And then you go, oh, what the fuck? Like, why is Drake standing next to Chris Scooby-Doo? Yeah, well, that's Scooby-Doo.

But Scooby-Doo going this year?

He's not going.

Okay, he's nominated. He's really old.

Scooby-Doo is old, but yeah, yeah, Shaggy's actually in the retirement home, so Scooby's probably visiting. That would be fucking crazy if they had Scooby come.

Shaggy had a drug problem, you know.

Well, bad one. That's what they were on the show, like, they were stoners.

Yeah, I know, that was my joke.

That's pretty good. Let's end the podcast. Maybe, maybe for today, or just forever. Thank you guys for listening. This has been a Views podcast. Yeah, I mean, we got in on a high note, and that was it. My shaggy drug joke. Also, your stomach's been out again.

Didn't want to mention anything, bro. My stomach is part of this podcast now.

It almost like— we can almost convince people that that's not your stomach and that's part of your shirt.

Why don't you have my back once in a while? I'll be like, listen, if my stomach comes out from now on, on the video podcast, just go pineapple. Okay, okay, all right. And then I'll try to catch it for me. Come on, get my back, Mr.

Kids' Choice fat fuck.

What, are we really ending it? Yeah. Okay guys, come see me at the Irvine Improv on April 7th. Thank you. Stand-up comedy and a lot of laughs.

Joe, can you cut it right before he does the plug for his show? All right, thank you guys. Bye.