The Truth About Our Relationship

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason, Natalie, and I sit around, talk about stuff, shoot the shit, poop the shit, and talk shit.

Highly political talk show, we really get into the issues here.

Today we're on one of my favorite topics, Trump vs. Biden.

Let's get right into it.

Welcome back to the podcast. This is Jack Galinsky. He had a Vine account called Jack and Jack that he shared with his friend. It was fucking huge. It was like one of the biggest Vine profiles. Now he's a musician and today he's here with us. I have like this thing where I'm like confessing a lot. I just confessed the other day, big confession to Natalie. So now I'm confessing something to the audience. Okay, I told you this on our Aspen trip. I worked like courage up, I built it up to tell you. I was really terrified.

Well, you made me nervous and like the moment was like, it was a massive moment for me and I didn't know what to expect. And then you said what you said, what you're about to say, and it was a shock. I still can't believe it's really real, honestly.

So yeah, so this took me like all trip, I was kind of thinking about it. And this is a real fact. Jack is the main reason I moved out to LA and I could afford living in my apartment for the first couple months. I know that's fucking really weird. And we've only said, in total we've said like maybe 50 words to each other.

Yes, we've seen each other countless times. What's up, dude?

Yeah, we're friendly, we'll say hello.

100%.

But we've never, like, this is a shock to you.

I would never have known you were withholding this massive secret.

Okay, so, and the reason Jack helped me is because I ran a Jack Galinsky fan page on Vine.

Yes, and okay, since you've told me, on the plane I was kinda like so in the moment, kinda nervous, heart was beating, like I didn't know what to, I didn't know how to react.

What was your reaction initially when I told you?

Well dude, like I was honestly just like, it was like almost an out-of-body experience. You're like, what the fuck?

What did he say? What did David say to you? I have something to tell you.

Well, at first we're. We're getting off the shuttle to get on the plane and he's like, wait, real quick, Jack, can I shoot something with you? And I'm like, of course, Like Yeah. Like, yeah, well, what could we possibly be shooting? But maybe it's just, like, something fun. And then, like, as we're getting on the plane, I'm like, I got to pee real quick. He's like, okay, take your time. Like, I just have to. Tyson.

Like, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Like, what could this be?

Okay, so what would happen is Jack, we all started on Vine, actually all three of us.

Me, Jason.

Yeah, I liked your Vines.

I liked yours too.

Thank you. And Jack had an account called Jack and Jack that he shared with his friend Jack.

Yes.

Yes, obviously. But he never had his own account.

Yes, so weird that I started on Vine, but I was like 40.

50.

But you were so good at it.

42. Yeah, we're all the same. We were like just kids hanging out, doing our thing. Just shooting the shit. I was already divorced.

We were graduating high school.

No, so he shared an account with Jack and Jack, and I was running my own profile, and on the side I had like some theme pages, like top sport moments or whatever, and on those pages I would do Revine for Revine, and I would get paid like $50 to $60 a day. It was fucking insane money at the time. It's awesome. It was really good money. And then I had a page called, Jack Galinsky, and it crushed because you didn't have your own page.

Yes, and I know that for a fact. When you initially asked me, I was like, did I, did I not? And now I fully remember, 'cause Jack Jay started as just Jack Jay, and I started being in some Vines, and he was like, yo, should I switch the name? Let's be Jack and Jack. I was like, hell yeah. 'Cause I was like, I'm not gonna make a Vine, like I got no use for this app. And so I never had my own page.

I would literally be posting, I would wake up every morning, I would do this 3 times a day, in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night. I would post videos of you shirtless or like just videos of you looking good. This is, it's really fucking bizarre. My phone was filled to the brim with photos and videos of you and you had no fucking idea. I had no clue. And the first week I came to visit LA, I saw you walk out of a party and I felt like I was like meeting the guy I've been using to catfish everybody with. And like, I didn't even like say hi. I just called my friends and I was like, I saw the real Jack Kalinske.

My friends were like, whoa, dude, I'm glad you've kept this because now it's like a gem of information that like, it just like, it made my whole month, man. Hilarious.

Okay, good. I was so terrified to tell you because I was like, dude, this guy's gonna think I'm the biggest fucking weirdo.

No, like, that's a hustle. I respect the hustle. That's how you made your money, and that's how— and that's how everything is.

That's how we're here. Yeah, that's why I'm here today, because of Jack Kalinske.

Yeah, I appreciate that. Because of Jack Kalinske.

Yeah, I mean, you can go deep with it, but Something I think Jack Jay brought up is like, you— were you only revining with your own accounts? With—

no, cross-pollinating?

Or were you doing it like with other fan pages? Yes, because I was like— we were talking, we're like, dude, David Dobrik was probably like messaging these probably other fangirls most likely. And now to this day they have no idea that to me— to message the Jack Linksy account, they were talking to David Dobrik, but they have no idea until right now.

No, I was talking to— yeah, I was talking to, um, every other fan page. It was like we were on, uh, what was it? Was it Kick? I think it was Kick.

Yeah, it was big.

Messenger. And, um, the one person I talked to a lot was Boys of Vine.

Boys of Vine.

Do you remember Boys?

Of course, I used to revine with them.

Yeah, Boys of Vine was terrible.

Let's cut that out.

Jack or Jason used to run Boys of Vine.

I didn't know.

You were Jackalinski. We all have dark pasts.

How did, how did David run the account when, in your opinion, the Jack— oh no, did you never see the page?

No, I saw the page, right?

He had to have because I saw it. There was a popular page, right?

Right.

And I would get on top of the popular page as fake Jack Galinsky.

No, that's the thing. And sometimes I would be like frustrated because I was like, you know, my family, they hear about me and Johnson, what we're doing. They're like, oh, like, let's go check out— let's go check out like Jack Galinsky on Vine. I'm like, no, no, I don't have an individual account there. They're like, no, no, we see, like, you post all the time. I'm like, I'm not posting that of myself. It's like a slow motion edit with like—

you post morning, noon, and night.

And no, but sometimes it would frustrate us because we would be— and this is all since you've told me, I've been able to really go back and like digest it.

Yes.

Sometimes it would beat us on the popular page because it was like, it wasn't like a for you. My posts of you were doing better, better than my posts of me and Johnson.

And it was—

we were like, What?

Like, what is going on? And yeah, it was just hilarious. That is— yeah.

Well, I got you this to remember the moment I told you. It's a picture of me and Jack on the airplane. This is when I actually— the audio was all fucked up, so I couldn't use this footage. But that's when I told you.

It's pretty good.

So look at that.

You'll always have this to remember.

Oh, I can't wait. You know what? I'm moving into my apartment next week. This will be the very first thing in my apartment.

Are you paying for it?

I do. David.

David Dover fan pages.

Yeah.

And then I made. I made a little. I didn't say, but I made like, around $4,000, which was fucking insane. So just so we're even. No, no, no, no, no, no, bro, I have. No, no, no, bro, I have to stop. Yeah, but this is priceless.

I don't want 4,000.

Yeah, yeah, but do that. Just frame this right next to that. Don't even spend it. Just so you like. This is Jack. This feels like. This feels like blood money Impersonating you. I have to give it back to clear my conscience.

You think of everything, man.

This is so—

we just need a few more videos from your phone.

If you can go to my bathroom and take some shirtless videos, this is all yours.

No, but seriously, I will put it in a box next to it. It's a clear box like at a museum.

Okay, great.

David Dobrik's money that David earned.

Yeah, as Jackalinski. Wow. Okay, thank you so much for— wow— for, uh, having me move out to LA.

Are you kidding? Like I said on this video that you can't see, but that we remember, I like, I'm just, this is my biggest accomplishment. So I appreciate it. Look at this. My cousins are going to come to my house.

Is that David Dobrik?

Yeah.

You know, I gave him a career.

Thank you.

Hey, you see this girl that's selling her farts in the jar?

No, but you brought this up earlier and I know you really wanted to talk about it. I know.

I don't, I was kind of happy.

Okay. I guess you guys are too good for this story.

No, it's—

I think it's pretty interesting.

I was half excited about it before, and, and now you brought it up again. And I know you were bragging about how she follows you, so we can probably get a good deal on the farts, but I still think it's weird. Oh my God.

Well, it'd be funny if you brought it up in passing, but you've been like planning this conversation for like several days.

It also be funny if you had a jar.

I can't buy the farts in jar.

Too expensive?

No, then she'll out me as somebody that's like buying her farts as a fan.

Yeah, as supporting her local business.

Okay, maybe I will. I'll, I'll I'll— let's cut this out and I'll buy them and I'll bring them in.

No, don't cut it out. This could be a cliffhanger for people.

Okay guys, I'll buy the farts in the jar.

Next week we're gonna— that's so fucking gross. We're gonna open the jar in the room.

Ew.

I mean, it's not possible. Yeah, smell can't stay in a jar.

Well, that's why I think it's interesting.

No, smell can stay in a jar.

Natalie, are you nuts?

No, no, there's no smell.

No, you can't— like, that's just the gas in a jar.

Maybe not a fart, but like actual gas, yes.

Okay, fuck it. Do you want to fart in a jar and we'll just do it here for free?

I don't really fart.

Yeah, right, you don't fart.

I could do it.

Todd talks about your fucking gassy ass all the time.

No, he doesn't.

Yes, he does, when you're not around. Oh my God, we were in Aspen. Sorry I touched you. We were in Aspen, we were at a bar, and I was going into the bathroom, and these bathrooms have been full all night, which really bummed me out. So I was going to the bathroom, and I opened the door, it's the guys' bathroom, and this guy is shirtless, having sex with this girl.

What?

The second time that happened to you?

In the restaurant. And he turns around and he goes, oh, sorry, Dave. And I go and I close the door and I go into the women's bathroom right next door because people are using both. Sure. It's just like a one stall thing. Like it's a one toilet. Yeah. So you just lock it right behind you. So I went to go use the women's bathroom and they're right next to each other. So I walked out and then the manager of the restaurant was coming because she heard of what was going on. And she looks at me and she goes, 'cause she thought I was having sex in the bathroom. And she goes, uh-uh, we are not doing that here. And I was like, nope, that's not me. You got the wrong guy. And then the waitress that was there, she was like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 'Cause she was there with me when she saw me having, when she saw that guy, now it sounds like I was having sex. The waitress was there when she saw that I ran into those people. So she like had my back and she was just like, oh no, no, it wasn't him. It was the other people. But it was a really awkward—

The guy just was having sex in the bathroom?

Yeah, it was like 1:30 in the morning and like, yeah, it was pretty fucking insane. I don't know if these stories are true, but there was a man who, he was constipated and he somewhere read online, I'm assuming, that an eel will help his like clear his like insides. So he put in a 15-inch long eel into his rectum. Oh no. And it was, turns out it wasn't the cure and the live eel, it was a real eel, it tore a hole through the man's bowels. Leading him close to death. Doctors at Dongguan Huajiang Hospital in Guangdong in China were able to save the man's life, but the eel did not live to tell the tale.

Oh my God.

That's what it says in the article. That's so funny. You know, like someone is like writing these articles and they're like busting through like 100 of them a day and they're like, but the eel did not live to tell the tale.

Next.

Well, actually, this is, this brings me to my next topic. People that aren't vaccinated. Did you hear about that brothel? What? No, you didn't hear about— there's like a brothel in a different country. You know what a brothel is? People go there to have like sex, whatever. They're offering a free session with a girl after a COVID vaccine.

I did hear about—

oh yeah, I did hear about that, which is amazing. I mean, for people— I wouldn't like that.

Yeah, no, no, you wouldn't want that.

No, I just—

you're interested in that though.

That's— that's what you're into and that's what it takes you to get vaccinated. Yeah, that is cool. But it's literally like It's literally like you go, you get a shot, and a girl's like sitting by you and she's like holding your hand. And then once you get the shot, you go into a room with her.

Oh, wow.

Fucking pretty insane.

That is manipulation at its best.

Yeah.

Get a man while he's down, you know?

That is—

yeah, that's like—

I think like that's how you get every man to get vaccinated.

Sex.

Every, every woman just needs to walk around with some vaccine.

I'm just like, I'm not getting it. Trying to get contacted by the, by the brothel. Yeah, there's no way I'm getting it. Sir, you've been vaccinated 7 times. That's not true.

Oh, tell me about your night. Your night sounded insane. Can you talk about it?

Oh yeah, that was fun.

David calls me last night and we were waiting to get out of the parking lot and he tells me of his amazing night that he had. And I'm stuck in the fucking parking lot with drunk people. We can't get out.

Jason's leaving a concert, had the worst time. And Jason's a big fan of Sia. And Natalie and I went to a dinner at her house. And again, I'm only talking about this because she gave me permission to. I I don't talk about like any interaction I have with a celebrity unless they're like, talk about this. And she was really open about it and really cool about it. But yeah, we went to her house for dinner. She invited me and she's like, come by yourself or bring a friend if you're more comfortable.

David was nervous because he didn't think he could eat anything.

Yes. Right.

Well, it was, it was a Michelin star chef.

She had a Michelin star chef, which is like the top notch of chefs there. Which worries me because it's like, I need a backyard chef. Like, I need a dad to like work the barbecue and make burgers. And I know when it's a fancy chef, I know it's gonna be pizza with calamari. Like, I know it's gonna be like a normal food, but like also there's gonna be something sprinkled on top.

Yeah.

And as a picky eater, it's the worst because like you really don't wanna be disrespectful. You're eating somebody's art. Like a chef is like, they do this for a living. They eat, breathe, and sleep their work. And the last thing you wanna do is leave food on your plate.

Mm-hmm.

So I was really worried about that.

Going to this dinner, and I was really excited about it.

She was really excited about it. And luckily, Sia, she was like, she was like, bring a friend if you're comfortable. So I was like, thank God. I was like, can I bring Natalie? She's like, of course. So I was like, thank God. So Natalie came and we were sitting around the table.

There was only like 5 people at this dinner party. It was very intimate.

Yeah, it was very intimate. So like, which is, which has also got scarier for me because I know when the food was coming out, you could notice my plate wasn't missing. Thank the Lord though, she had a dog named Dingus. And Dingus fucking loved loved leftovers.

He came by to every single person's plate, licked it clean, and it was a 7-course meal.

Every time, every time we'd be like, are we allowed to? He would be like, that's fine, he loves leftovers. So like, so I was sitting— Benny was there. Benny Blanco was next to me, and I was, I was eating, and, and I would always turn to Benny, and Benny would turn to me and be like, Dingus, where are you? And try to get Dingus's attention.

Not because you guys didn't like the food.

No, the food was amazing. It just wasn't yours.

It's just very like—

what kind of food was Italian?

It was Italian with a twist. Like, there was—

I mean, like, you know, I'm like terrified of like mushrooms, so it was like a lot of mushrooms. It was vegetarian, so it was like veggie wraps with mushrooms, and it was all these kinds of things. It was like very extravagant, right? Um, so I put the plate perfectly on the table, and fucking Dingus, my lord and savior, would come by and lick the plate clean. And, and he would do it so perfectly, yeah, that like the, the chef lady would come back like right after he was gone, and she'd be like, like, oh my gosh, you loved it. And I'd be like, yes. So I was like, everybody was happy. Like, sure, uh, Sia was happy because Dingus was having a good time. Dingus was fucking ecstatic because we were giving him more food than normal. I was happy because I didn't have to finish it, and the chef lady thought we were all eating it. Um, so it was, it was amazing.

We were there for like 2 and a half hours, 3 hours, I think.

Yeah, no, we were there for longer. And, um, did she sing? I showed her— she was wondering about my house. So I showed her my TikTok I made just for Christmas time, and her song started playing because I used her song in the TikTok, like, coincidentally, right? And she started singing it. And then at the same time, we were both like, oh my God, it's your song. We didn't realize. But then she took us into her closet and she had like a bunch of like clothes, just like a bunch of designer clothes.

Her like, see a pop star room is what she called it.

Yeah, it was like all like these beautiful—

she wore to award shows.

Yeah, and she was just like, I have so much of it, do you guys want some? And we were like, uh, no, that's— we shouldn't. And then in the back of our heads we're like, yes please. Um, oh yeah, a bunch.

She gave us a bunch of like designer stuff.

She gave us a bunch of designer stuff.

What are you gonna wear that Sia wore?

You'll see when you— when you see me wearing it, you'll be like, that's from Sia.

She gave us a tour of her house and it was literally like my dream.

Oh yeah, it was beautiful.

What was the style?

Like, it had, um, like very cream light, um, stone was the exterior, and it was very Kardashian-esque. Yeah, it was very Kardashian-esque.

Minimalist.

Very, yeah, pretty minimalist.

But not like Kanye minimalist. Not like Kanye minimalist. Like more warm.

Yeah, very warm, very peaceful. Like you felt like very tranquil walking through.

And she's so sweet. She's just like, all she cares about is like caring.

And her kitchen, her kitchen was the most beautiful kitchen I've ever seen. It was like pale pink cabinets and this beautiful pink marble like waterfall. It was just gorgeous.

And I call Jason just to brag about it because he loves her. And I was just like, man, you'd love her.

Yeah, you missed it. And then I was like sitting in a parking lot still like recovering from all Kanye's smoke going into my lungs. I was like, glad you had fun, Dave.

No, she's very much like your type, but she just likes to have fun and she's like super caring and she's just like, she wants everybody to have fun. And it was a really, really fun dinner.

Yeah, she's very welcoming.

Guys, Cindy is here. And by Cindy, I mean Wolfie Cindy. Cindy's really good at just getting right down to business. She just walked straight through this door, took her mask off.

A lot of confidence comes in the door.

A lot of confidence. Yeah, I think it's also like we really don't make her nervous. Like, I think it's kind of easy. Why would we, right?

That is absolutely not true.

Oh, we do make you nervous.

Yeah, I feel so awkward right now.

What's it like to be, um, like a magazine model? Is that hard?

I mean, you don't get magazines all the time. It's like kind of—

yeah, but you just got the COVID of Maxim. I don't have it here with me because it's up in my, uh, bedroom.

I saw it in your bathroom next to the lotion.

Yes.

No, no, it's up there next to the lotion.

It's in my room. Here it is. Like, when you, when you go to buy these magazines, do you like make a big fuss out of it at the store? Because I know if I was posing like this on a boat—

this was actually my first magazine that I went in to buy because my mom literally makes sure she has 30 every time. I wouldn't—

I wouldn't roll my eyes at this. If my daughter was doing this, I'd have 3,000 of these. This is fucking insane.

But like, my mom has so many, and then people come over and I just have all these like magazines of myself. I'm like, oh my God, I literally look insane.

Do you— does the person recognize you when you're buying it, or they probably did for that?

They were like, oh wait, that's you. But I was kind of trying.

You were like, I'll take one of these, and you're like, one of these. I don't know if you got a good look. Maybe scan the front barcode. Well, I thought you were perfect to come on here because I was talking to Cindy and she wants to have— she wants to have her own podcast.

Okay.

And she wants to have a sex education podcast, which is kind of like what we do. Except we don't like educate. We don't educate much, but we do talk about like masturbating, and I, and I give my take on it. So it's very similar.

So all of your podcasts are about masturbation?

I— we really try not to, and like we'll re-listen to them and we'll have to cut— I'm not even kidding, we'll have to cut out like 20, 30 minutes every podcast because they get carried away with, with some kind of story about a penis.

David is presenting at the Masturbation Awards. This year.

Yeah, it's— I've won 7 years in a row. Um, but what is the sex education podcast? Because I've actually never listened to one, but I know— I actually know some friends that have one.

Are you promoting her podcast that doesn't exist yet?

Yeah, this is great.

Not even sure.

She's like, I just had the idea for 3 seconds last night.

Honestly, I've been talking so much about it that like I feel like it's gonna draw me to do it, right?

Right.

I don't know what it is, but I love it already, said Dave. This girl is so pretty that she pitched David a show that doesn't exist, and he was like, yeah, come on, come on, come on and promote it. You know how many people try to get on this podcast to promote stuff? Big people try to get on this podcast to promote stuff. David goes, nah, I'm not interested.

I know that you may not be starting this podcast.

I will probably not do it.

Right. But what is a sex education podcast? And what—

I just wanted to have like a place where I could go for all the questions that I had about sexuality, because I feel like—

okay, here you go—

growing up, like, there's things that you're not comfortable talking about with your parents, and it's kind of like an awkward conversation with your friends.

Well, let's do this. Let's do this. You go and you be free and you ask, and I will answer, because I've— Jason and I have been doing this for 2 years. We're professional podcasters.

Yeah, reverse the roles. Let Cindy interview you.

Yeah, Cindy, you ask Like, let's say I would be on your sex education podcast right now. What is something that would be thrown at me? Like, what's a question that, like, what is, is it like how, like, what do I do if I'm dating someone for 2 years and we're not, we're not having sex anymore?

Do that. You be a caller.

Okay.

That question. And then have Cindy answer.

I'll be a caller. Ring ring.

Be like, hey, this is Sex with Cindy. You're on the line.

Oh, that's pretty good.

Oh, wow.

Cindy's like, this is amazing. Would you guys like to produce? Ring, ring.

Hi, this is Sexivist Cindy. Who's on the phone?

Um, hi, my name is, uh, Rufugio, and I'm calling from Eastern Europe.

David, is that you?

Yes, it's David. Um, so I've been dating this girl for about a year and a half now, and it started off amazing, and we were having great sex, um, but I just feel like kind of the magic is gone. And we haven't been doing it as much. And she, you know, she always tells me that she's tired, not tonight. Um, and, and, you know, I don't blame her. I'm not good at sex. It's like really—

it is David.

But what do I do to spice it up? Or how do I, how do I keep the— keep it alive in the bedroom?

I mean, I think it would be as simple as asking her.

Oh, okay. Thank you. I'll see you later. What about people that are waiting to have sex till marriage? That always stresses me out because I think there are people— there are people that you're not compatible with.

Reviews on that, because I, I do think that like, to each their own, but I feel like sex is like a big part of a relationship for some people, not for everybody. And I feel like you need to experiment and find out what you like before you tie yourself down to a person. But then again, like, do people even get married anymore? Like, do marriages even last?

You know, it just, it just made me think, like, what she's saying is like right on the money, but I've never seen anyone say that because it's really— yeah, it's kind of like, well, no, I think it's hard to say that. Yeah, but I think that's because when I say that in here, they go, oh, you're such a cynic.

But when you say it, it's like it comes from like horrible personal experiences. But when Cindy says it, it's almost forward-thinking. Like when you say it, you're just like, oh, you fucking idiot, you just had a horrible life. But when Cindy says it, you're like, that's amazing, fuck marriage. No, but I get it. I mean, I think we had this conversation before. Like I always think there's like the right person for you for that time. And like, that's really hard to like say and admit. And I know I'm gonna change my mind again, like in like a year or two. And like my mind always changes about like, loving people and liking people, but I think that's what it is. Like, I think there's like always— I just can't imagine being with the same person for like 40, 50 years.

Yeah, well, that's the world you live in too. That's the world we live in now, especially with NFTs.

The guy who tries to bring the NFTs into every conversation, especially because I just sold my Bored Ape.

And you have a boyfriend now?

No, I just got out of a year-long relationship.

What happened?

Honestly, he was a narcissist, so—

And now you're hanging out with David? She was a type.

Familiar.

You guys are a good pair, like friendship-wise.

Really?

Yeah, because you say, you know, he's kooky and you pronounce words funny sometimes.

Yo, yesterday we were in the hot tub and she kept going like she's like, I can't believe I'm in this bathtub. And I'm like, Cindy, this is a hot tub.

You said bathtub just now.

Well, because I was saying what you were saying. Yes. And I'm like, I'm like, Cindy, this is, this is a hot tub. And she goes, I'm from Spain. And I'm like, what the fuck does that have to do with anything? Well, question: do you think I'm gonna be a good dad?

Yeah, I think you'll, you'll be a really great dad.

Really?

I think you would probably be the coolest dad ever.

Yeah, that could probably— why are you flipping me off? When did I ever say you wouldn't be a good dad?

I just wanted to flip off the only dad in the room just to be like—

that's probably honestly what could save you, dude.

I want a kid so bad. I want one now.

Okay, well, go make a kid.

Oh my God, can you guys give me a couple minutes?

It's not gonna work just you, pal. Really?

Yeah, even if I go really fast? Isn't it all about friction?

No, Iron Man, it's not.

Thanks for coming on, Cindy. We'll be looking forward to that sex podcast in a couple years. Glad we could give it a plug a decade early so when it comes out, people are really ready for it.

It's sad because they really won't even come.

Hey, it's— that should be your tagline. It's sad because they won't really come. There's your sex podcast tagline. Last night, me, Alex, and Ilya took some fun brownies, if you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, you know what it is. You know how it be. And we were being like complete idiots, like in the hot tub, like just like so stupid. Like we weren't making any sense. Like it— like none of it was funny if you weren't high, right? None of it made sense. Nothing was like— nothing was even understandable. And then Jon comes in and he starts talking to us. He's sitting outside of the hot tub. After like 40 minutes of talking to us, he asks us a question and he goes, I wonder if you're dating a supermodel and she has 4 bikinis um, does— do you get tired of that? And we were just like, what the fuck is this guy saying? And we're like, because that made no sense. Later we found out that he meant like, if you're dating a supermodel, do you still get turned on when you see her in the bedroom? Because she's always like looking hot on the runway and stuff. That was his like original question. Another 30 minutes goes by of like talking to John, and John's making less and less fucking sense to us. Like, like it's like really bizarre. And then Ilya goes, Ilya goes, John, are we high or are you high? And John goes, you guys are high.

Oh my God.

And it was the funniest thing because John had no fucking idea we were high. And this entire time, like, we've sort of been on the same wavelength. It's really crazy. Like, there's very few people that, like, when you get high, you're on the same wavelength as them. And John is completely sober. He was finally able to communicate with us. Um, and John was really scared because he came in, he came into the house late, and, um, he was with a girl. Oh my God, this is so funny. He was with a girl, and I don't know why, but like, he, like, if he's gonna kiss a girl, he like will do it in his car. Like, he won't go to his like house or his room or anything for some reason.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, no, I told you I was getting dropped off because my car was here.

Okay, okay, sorry, his car, whatever, his car was here. So the girl pulls up, he pulls And then they both go into his car and they're like kissing. And then John was telling us, well, let me just backtrack a little bit. John walks in and John goes, I fucking hate your security dude. And I go, what happened? And he goes, well, I'm sitting there with this girl and he comes up and he like shines his flashlight. My security guard shines his flashlight into John's car window, and it's like so funny because like, you know, like knowing John, like he's so panicky and he's so skittish. Like, Ilya was making a joke that like the security guard shines a flashlight in and John just puts his hands up like he's doing something wrong. Uh, what happened? What was going on? What went through your head when you saw the flashlight? And what were you doing? Well, it was like your hand on her thigh. Were you kissing her? What was going on?

My hand was everywhere, let's just say.

Oh my Lord, John.

But then like, I, I was like, I was just so focused, and then I don't know how to—

I don't know how to— a while since you've been laid, huh?

I was so focused.

Come on, John, you can do this.

Come on, John, you can do this. Hand placement, left, right, up, down. Okay, so what was going on?

Yeah, so I was just just— okay, like I said, we're just making out in the car, and then, you know, Jimmy— yeah, we'll just call him Jimmy for now, but fucking Jimmy.

Yeah, you're right, we could call him Jimmy. We could call him that for now. We can always call him that because that's his name. Yeah, right.

Jimmy. Fucking Jimmy. Jimmy. And then like, first he didn't know I was— I was like— I said, hey Jimmy, all right, you know, you know how I go in because he does—

he—

though the lights are too, uh, too bright.

Why is he not speaking English?

Like, how was it when we were high, Natalie? This is was, and it was freaking us out because we're like, holy shit, John, did you have like the entire batter of brownies?

I'm here, John, I'm listening.

All right, thank you, thank you. So yeah, so we, we get in, he, he opens the gate for us, you know, so we just pull up all the way. And then like, like I said, I don't know, like, like literally like we were in the car for like at least like 20 minutes, you know, right? Because we were saying goodbye.

Goodbye.

In the driveway or out on the street?

No, on the driveway.

Like inside, shine the flashlight in the driveway in the car.

Yes, like, like, literally, literally, like, like, we were 20 minutes in and then, and then he like, like, he thought, I guess, we were like the Uber or something. Like, I thought he was just dropping us off and that's why he started questioning. I was like, oh, why haven't this car left yet?

Oh, he thought you were getting dropped off.

Yeah, yeah, he thought that was an Uber. That's why he, I guess, he came in. But it was like 20 minutes in and my mind wasn't—

wait, whose car was it, yours or hers?

Hers.

Oh, okay, so you were in her passenger seat. Yeah. So he was coming to check in on you. Yeah. Yes. To see if you were okay. Oh yeah.

And then like, it was like, it was like, like, why hasn't this car left yet? That I guess I— that I'm thinking about it now.

This Uber driver murdered David's friends. Yeah.

So anyways, I was focused and then she was just like, she was like, she was like, started like, like putting my hand like away from her. And I, I was like, I was like, wait, does she not like me? So then I started like panicking a little bit and then, and I see fucking Jimmy right there, like on the, on the driver's side mirror. I was like, I was like, she was like telling me, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. And then Jimmy like knocks on the—

because you're slowly creeping up.

Yeah, he was slowly creeping up with this fucking flashlight too, like on, like, you know, like I didn't even notice the entire time. Like I had no idea.

And what did you say? What happened? Were you just like, did you just—

I didn't say anything.

Just Ilya fucking came in with his protein.

Ilya, bro, why you gotta do that? You can't have food in the fucking kitchen, bro. Why don't you eat in the kitchen?

When did you get here?

Listen to tomorrow.

Captain Protein.

So what happened? What did the girl, or what did he say when he knocked on the window? What did you say?

Jimmy, it's just me. And I couldn't figure out his name.

Like, who the fuck are you? I couldn't figure out his name. What, Jason? He's like, who the fuck are you? It's just me. I don't fucking know you. You're not on the list. And then what did he say?

And then, well, I haven't said his name this entire time. I just call him security. Like, it blanked out. Like, I just blanked out. And he was just like— and like, he made us like roll the window down and said, oh, it's just you. I was like, yeah, it's just me. And it's just like, next time just say— just holler, hey Jimmy, it's me.

So now I know, but like Oh, you didn't know his name, so you didn't want to give him the heads up that— yeah, you know how to say his name.

He's going bonkers out there, that security guard. I've had several conversations with him.

Is he?

Yeah, he's going a little nuts out there. He told me the other night, he's like, it's tough out here, man. I'm the only one who talks to him. None of you guys talk to him.

Every time I come in, I'm like, hello, how are you? Like, we have like a 10-second conversation every time.

He definitely has a complaint. What was like, you guys aren't giving him enough information.

Wait, why are you putting the mic in my—

well, you run the ship here.

Wait, what do you mean not giving him?

Yeah, you just haven't talked in a while.

Oh, wait, what are we not giving him?

He's just like, I don't know what's going on in there. I don't know who's coming in, who's coming and going. I don't know who's the killer, who's the murderer. Jimmy's also like been seeing some shit, so every time I talk to him, he presents like worst case scenario to me. And I think because we're the same age, he feels like he can talk talk to me, which I love it. I like him a lot, and I do like talking to the security guard, but he'll, he'll be like, I would hate for a bunch of guys to come in and just, you know, rob David and kill him, you know. I would hate for that to happen. He does that? Yeah, like he goes to the worst place cuz he sees bad shit.

Yeah, but what does he want me to do? Like just tell him who's coming in, who's coming out?

Yeah, that's all. He just wants you to communicate. Like maybe say like, this is my buddy John, he's trying to get laid, leave him alone, you know. Like just say that.

Okay, I will.

You know.

No, he's, he's really interesting.

He's a great guy. He's great. And he He just do his job.

You notice how he, like, sets up shop outside of the house?

No. What does he do?

I love it. I love it. He's not like he's— it's not like he's just like sitting there. Like, he, like, pulls out the lawn chair. He has like a blanket. He has like a little ham radio thing that he's got going on. He's like a nightlight. And then he is like his Gatorade, his water, his Red Bull. And then he has in his trunk, he has M16s and RPGs. I mean, he's pretty fucking—

No, he doesn't.

He's ready.

No, he doesn't.

I mean, he's seen some shit. I don't know when you would need an RPG in this neighborhood. What would be coming up the hill? No, he doesn't have an RPG, but just like fucking imagine, right? Shoots John's car. John's in the driveway, uses the RPG, blows up the car. No, it was my friend. He was just trying to get laid. Why you guys shoot my friend with the RPG?

You guys gotta give me more information.

Um, yeah, but no, he's, uh, he's, he's good. He's okay. Um, he's doing a good job. Sorry, John. Sorry you had to go through that.

Well, did you seal the deal, or what happened? What's the end of the story with the girl?

Oh yeah, what happened? She hooked up with Jimmy. I'd be very— who are you, beautiful girl?

No, nothing happened after that.

It was just like, it killed the mood so fast, and I was just like, this is a girl he's been seeing a little bit, so he's like taking a Sure. So actually, honestly, Jimmy probably helped you out because it's probably a fun story. Yeah, those awkward encounters are always like really helpful.

Hell no, dude.

No, no, no way.

I feel like John's also not good in awkward situations.

I'm so bad.

John just doubles down and just like, John just goes, oh my God, I'm so sorry, I don't know, I don't know why you did that. Um, but yeah.

All right, wait, one more. Well, one more John story, which I thought was really funny. Joe lives with Alex and John, right? And Joe wants to— Joe asked them to leave so he could have his own place, right? And so this was kind of coming for a while. We— Joe kind of said it to me, and then Joe told Alex, right? And Alex was like, okay, cool, yeah, we'll find our own place. And then like a couple days go by and everybody knows but John.

Oh yeah, right?

So why— I don't know why you guys aren't— Ilya, you're guilty in this. David, you're guilty. Yeah. Like, why isn't anyone telling John?

Well, it's really funny because we were We were by the ping-pong table and we were moving lights. Yeah, we were moving lights. John was helping me and Ilya move lights, and I was, I was like, it's a huge light.

David wants to light up his house for Christmas. It is a giant light, like, that's 20 feet tall, weighs 400 pounds.

It literally weighs so much.

And he's having Ilya and John move it, and Dave's directing like where he wants to go so he can get it the absolute like perfect light on his house.

I was just like talking about like other houses, and I'm like, Ilya, it'll be sick when you guys move into a place you guys can light up your own house.

House.

And John goes, what?

No.

John goes, we're moving in with Ilya? What did you say?

No, I was like, I was like, whose motorcycle is that out there? I was like, I was like, oh, that, that motorcycle is so cool. And then, and then Ilya was like, it's Joe's, do you want it? I'm like, yeah, oh, that'd be really cool, but I don't have the space for it. And then Ilya goes, oh, you'll have space in our garage. So, and then, and then I just go, what?

What?

Like, literally just like, what do you mean?

I saw the whole thing and Ilya's holding this really heavy thing.

And this time I'm holding this thing and we're just having small talk and then he just drops this fucking bomb on me. I'm like, what do you mean? What do you mean?

And Ilya's like, Ilya just goes, don't worry about it, John. Don't think about it.

Don't worry about it. Literally, literally what he does.

You're going to be living with me now, John. You're going to be living with me now. And John's like, what? What do you mean? What do you mean I have to move out?

What do you mean?

Wait, he's holding This thing is so heavy. He's like, John, don't worry about it, just move the light, just move the light. It's so crazy. You guys can't— you guys talk to him like he's like—

he's a child.

Thank you, Jason. Thank you.

When you told Alex— Alex is a normal dude. Alex took the news fine. You would have taken the news. But why? Yeah, why did you not tell John?

Because we didn't know. Alex told us.

But why didn't Joe tell John too?

It's Joe's fault. I thought Joe had a conversation with both of them, but Joe just called Alex and Alex literally called us immediately. So Joe was like, hey Alex, like, I kind of want my own place, is it cool if you guys move out? Alex is like, yeah, it's totally fine. Alex calls Ilya immediately after Joe leaves his house, and Alex is like, yo, we gotta move out of Joe's, we need a new place. And, and then that's the exact time Joe is entering my house, and I turn to Joe and I go, Joe, what the fuck, you kicking out the boys? And he goes, I just told them 3 minutes ago. Um, yeah, okay, communication is important, whether it's with the security guard Joe or, or anybody else. We'll work on it, John.

Yeah, but is this my fault?

What?

What?

No. Is what your fault?

Like, like, like not knowing? Like, I don't know.

No, how would it be your fault for not knowing?

I don't fucking know.

I don't know.

They're the ones that should have told you. How could it be your fault? You're supposed to be a psychic.

Yeah, Jason doesn't like John now. You fucking idiot. He was just backing him up. Now Jason's in the same boat as us. Jason's like, you're right, you can't tell this guy anything. Even when he doesn't know, he thinks he's wrong.

Now I see what you mean.

Yeah, it's rough. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Um, thank you Jimmy the security guard for keeping us safe, and I hope I see you guys around. Um, go follow us on all social media us. Go buy the perfume. Go buy Jason's, uh, whatever he sells. What do you sell?

Uh, farts in my jar.

Go sell Jason's, uh, jar farts. And we'll see you guys soon. My name is Jeff.