Telling Best Friend She Cheated

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views. Jay, I should say this. Grab the mic. I want to say this real quick.

Yeah.

The other day we got Ilya's shoes that make him taller.

Yeah.

And all the girls, all the girls in the house, Ella, Taylor, Natalie, were like, oh my God, you look fucking stunning. Like everybody. And Ilya was like feeling himself. Ilya went up to the mirror and he was like so happy to finally not be 5'6" and fucking— he was ecstatic because, you know, he's tiny. And, and then he took them off and he's like, guys, it wasn't real. Like, it wasn't real. It was just temporary.

What were they, lifts? Yeah, but like platform shoes.

It's like, imagine you get Dr. Scholl's times 8 and you put them in your— Yeah, it looked like he had heels on.

This is the craziest joke that you have just stretched so far. Yeah, dude is a fucking inch shorter than you. No, it is the craziest. And this is the kind of bullshit that he'll weave. He'll like a tweet. He'd like that tweet once of me with the cat with the milk in his face. I still get DMs about it. I still get— and I literally came in here that one time and he goes, Jay, I'm sorry, man. He's like, but I had to hear about that.

Yeah, can I see it again? It's so funny.

There was a picture of this cat with milk all over his face. It was just— looks so gross. And someone tweeted it and they're like, doesn't, doesn't this look like the old guy from David's vlog? And I liked it, like, knowing that it would do a lot better after I hit like on it, and it ended up getting like 86,000 likes. It was really funny.

86,000. I still get DMs to this day.

All right, rolling Intro music. Here's what happened the other day. Let's talk about this. What was your best mile time, Ilya, that you told me about?

Oh, I said 6:05.

It was 6:05, right? So I ran the mile and I was like, he told me 6:05 and I go, I'm going to fucking beat that.

What time at night was this?

This is like 10 or 11.

At 10 at night?

That's when I run. That's when I run. Oh, I usually run really late. So he told me 6:05. So I was like, okay, I'm going to go beat the time. So the next morning I come and I show him the time and I go, check this out, motherfucker. 5:58. And so I beat his time, beat his time by 7 seconds. And you could just see his face freeze. His face was like, where did you run? Where's your— And I was like, I just ran right out the door. So to be fair, there's a little bit of an incline. You're going downhill for like 0.3 of the miles.

Yeah.

So like you get, you know, that's That's why there's so much speed. But Ilya was like, where did you run it? And then I told him, I was like, I ran outside the door and I ran to like the Stouff, the restaurant down the street. And he goes, okay. And he fucking left. He fucking did it. Yeah. And he go— he went to run it himself. And then, um, and then he came back and he's like, 5:36. I guess 5:36, suck my dick. And then I was like, oh, I could beat that. And he's like, you fucking can't beat that. You can't fucking beat that. And then that night, then at like 10, 11 PM, I went out, I ran.

The same day?

Yeah, same day, same night, same night. I ran and I got 5:28. Oh, and I destroyed his fucking little pussy ass. And then he goes, well, I'm gonna, uh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna try to beat you tomorrow. And then you know what he fucking does? You won't believe this shit. He, he planned to run the next morning, but in order— he wanted to make sure he got the proper rest.

Yeah.

So at 8 PM, he left my house and he got a hotel room. So So, so he was well rested. So he was well rested for the next morning. And I was like, and I was fully convinced.

I was like, you fucking batshit.

And I was fully convinced. I was fully convinced. I'm like, oh, he's— he must be sleeping with a girl, or he has like a girl that's coming over, right? He doesn't want her to come here, Grant, because he lives in the middle room in the house, which is basically living in a glass box. Like, everybody would fucking hear him. Yeah. So I was like, okay, he's hooking up with a girl. And then this morning I asked him, I was like, I was like, who'd you hook up with? And he's like, deadass, I didn't. Like, I was literally just fucking resting. And this morning he got a 5:23 and he beat me. Wow. Currently he's in the lead.

Where's the turnaround exactly? What are you guys doing? The exact— you have to touch Stout and come back?

No, you don't come back. It's just on our watch.

Like, just to get to Stout.

Yeah. When you get to Stout, it's a mile. Like, right when you— right when you run past it, it's a full mile and it's a full-on sprint the entire time. It's really fucking deadly. You like die right after you do.

Yeah, it's like really dangerous actually for him and I because like we're not, you know, we're definitely not built for it.

You're not built to do that. Yeah. You literally put like every ounce of energy you have in your entire body and then when you get to the finish line, you just collapse. Really? Just collapse. Yeah, it's that.

Yeah.

And it's all mental too, because it's like, it's literally just like, it's like, I hate the word, I hate this word because it's so cliché, but like it's literally channeling like every energy for everything you do just into that moment. Yeah, like, it's like, it's like, you know, when you're in a rocket ship, you've never been in a rocket ship. Probably neither have I. I've flown for JetBlue. Yeah. When you need it, when you need to take off and they don't have much battery left, so they're like, okay, cut the refrigerator, cut the air conditioning, move all the power to the thrusters, to the thrusters. That's what it's like running. That's what it's like running a mile.

By the way, this story is like the story that girls probably hate or like, wow, guys are so fucking dumb.

You think?

Yeah. This is the kind of thing that like, I think it's hilarious. Well, I think you're doing nothing for men right now.

I think going to a hotel is so stupid. You should have stayed here. Honestly, it takes a lot more energy to go to a hotel, check in.

He wanted to hear me out first.

Okay, go.

Okay. The reason I went to the hotel room is so I can have a controlled environment. So I don't have your dumbass screaming until 2 AM on fucking Call of Duty. And so I have a fucking cold room. That's what I— that's why I did it. I didn't go there because I just wanted to sleep. I just want her to go to bed early.

That doesn't make sense, Ella, right?

Also because it literally makes total sense because when you're around, when you're around, you have to control every fucking moment and everything.

I wouldn't wake him up every time.

There would have been some bullshit like, yo, I think I hear somebody outside, and then he's not, you know, at like 2 in the morning when he really needs you for stuff, right? Like protecting him. Then he's nice.

No, you guys are being real dramatic.

And the funny thing is, last night was one of the only nights in this week that all of us, like, left at like 10 p.m. and like David was asleep. We all went to bed early and Ilya like fucking went to the hotel, slept worse than anybody here.

Yeah, that's why I didn't get to the fucking AC unit. Barely fucking worked. Making this loud noise until like 2 a.m. and I fucking got up and I finally figured it out.

Yeah.

And I mean, I literally didn't go to bed till 2 a.m.

I wish I knew what room you were in. I just kept knocking on your door as one of the maids. Room service.

He literally just bought an AC unit for his room to make it colder and he was bragging about it.

I know he's an idiot.

Stop calling me a fucking idiot.

I'm getting sleep.

It's stupid.

I'm not dumb.

It makes it so stupid. Yes, it is.

No, honestly, if the fucking hotel room had proper AC, it would have been a good move.

On top of that, on top of that, beat your time, dumb fuck. So whatever I did worked.

Fuck you.

Wow. Have you ever cried during sex before?

No.

Have I ever? Good question, Jay. Yeah, I have a couple times. Have you ever cried, Ella?

Yeah.

Wait, really?

Once.

Wait, wait, did he take it or do we, man?

Wait, no, that's what I just thought.

Wait, you've cried during sex? Huh?

Once.

No, someone just texted me a bunch of questions. Someone just texted me, or someone just said please talk about more sex, and they asked me a bunch of sex questions. Wait, why did you cry during sex?

Because it was really bad.

What do you mean? You're crying that like it was so bad?

No, it was like really bad. I didn't know how to get out of it, and So I like pushed him off because it was so bad. And then I had to start to pretend to cry so that I could blame it on him not being bad, but like something about me. And I was like, I'm not over my ex, but it was just that it was the worst sex I've ever had in my life. Damn.

What makes it— what? I'm so curious. What's bad sex?

It was just—

because I'm sure I've had it. It's just no one's told me.

You're having it constantly.

Yeah, it was just terrible.

Like what? Like what? Like But when you push him off—

but when you pushed him off, he stopped.

Yeah, but he was like, what's wrong? What's wrong? And I was like, I don't think I'm over my ex.

Oh, okay.

Because I didn't know how to like—

but why was it bad?

But when he pushed you off, he stopped. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Obviously.

Why was the sex bad?

It wasn't that type of situation. You were just trying to get out of it.

I was trying to get out of it.

Right.

But technically I cried.

I mean, you definitely cried.

Yeah.

That's why. That's why I've always— I've always like, I've heard that question a lot. We actually during sex, I didn't really know what that meant.

Like, I have like emotionally cried once.

Like you just love it. Get the fuck out of here.

What?

You were having sex. You were like, this is so amazing. You start crying.

Kind of.

What?

It was like making love. There's a difference.

What the fuck were you having sex with?

I'm confused too. What are you talking about?

Okay, you know there's a difference between having sex and like making love, quote unquote.

I can't tell the difference.

So like, if you're very in love with someone and you like—

Oh sure, I've done that.

It's like intimate.

It's slow. It's not fast. It's like very intimate.

Yeah, 100%.

Yeah, and then in that you're just like, it's— you're so happy and then it's great and it's long love and you like tear up.

You teared up because it was so great and you were so in love. Yeah, that's beautiful.

I have a real question and I want everyone's 100%—

all questions are real—

honest answer. And that goes for Taylor and Ella and, and obviously Ilya. Here's my question. No, you're not getting a vote.

Oh boy.

I want everybody to be 100% honest.

Oh geez, I'm so scared.

And I demand honesty. And you know what, I'm not gonna think— whatever your answer is, I'm I'm not gonna think any less of you.

Before you say it, just remember that you took a big ass hit of weed.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no offended. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ill Let me go out on a fucking limb here. Cause I got something to say. You guys know what I'm gonna say.

Kinda boy, who here of the four of us hates the motherfucking stream?

Who hates Dead David streaming? Damn it.

Damn. Wait, wait, wait.

What?

I hate the stream. Where did this fucking question come from? I hate J I hate that you play Call of Duty.

I hate it.

I understand.

I was convinced Jay was gonna go, bro, who of you guys thinks that I'm bad at sex?

Yeah, something worse.

I thought you were gonna say something about David, like fucking, like a bad quality.

I'm sorry, I'm high, bro.

That was— that question was so bad. That was the worst.

Well, who did—

who did—

just answer me.

So that should go— or Joe, Jay, that should go in the worst podcast moments of all time.

Just—

we're talking about Ella crying during sex and you're like, I have something to say, I have something to say. I know you've been through it, Ella, but who here hates Call of Duty? That made no sense. That was the worst transition.

I hate Call of Duty.

It's crazy that lines are a thing and how people like follow the rules of a line.

So you mean like on the road?

No, like, um, like to the DMV. Like for example.

Oh, that I get. I think lines on a road are even crazier.

It's just a line though. Like who says that I wasn't here first? Do you know what I'm saying?

I like when we talk about, like, real cool stuff like that, you know, provokes thinking. But some of the shit that comes out of your mouth is the dumbest fucking things.

That wasn't so dumb.

That was the dumbest. Ella, how dumb was that?

That was really dumb. So you should have his own podcast about dumb facts. He talks about fucking red lights, lines, weirdest shit.

It should be called 5 Foot 8 and a Tiny Brain.

Today, Ilya keeps on texting us. And Jay, Ilya keeps on texting us in the group chat when he finds out that celebrities are under 5'8". So today he texts us and he goes, "Guys, Kanye is 5'8"." And Ella responds, "He looks way shorter." He does though. I didn't think he was 5'8".

Joe, that part I asked—

You getting it?

Joe, that part I asked about the line, can you cut that out?

Joe, keep that in. Joe, do not touch that line.

I'm coming to realize that was a very stupid question.

Have you guys had human resource meetings? Like, don't look at Taylor that way.

Oh yeah.

David and I had one today, actually.

About what?

What did you say about Labor Day?

Oh yeah. Okay, let's bring it up.

Do we have it off?

Yeah, you have Labor Day off.

You got to say yes because it's on a fucking podcast. I put him on the spot.

Good job. Of course I'm a nice guy.

I mean, of course you guys have weekends and Labor Day off. Is that a question?

You have any day off you want.

Any time you can leave here Whenever you want.

Taylor, you really need to start leaving later. You're leaving too early. You're leaving at 4:00.

Ilya and I went to go look at a car.

Yeah.

Guess who we met?

Jason DeVellaro.

No, better. One of the workers' names was Ilya.

Oh, yeah.

And the guy goes— and the guy goes— the guy goes, hey, what's your name? I'm like, David. He goes, what's your name? He goes, Ilya. And he goes, no shit. He goes, I've never met— I've never met another Ilya in my entire life.

Wow.

What a fucking moment.

And we made out.

That was fucking insane.

Was he short?

No, he was a tall Ilya. He was his evil brother. Oh, yeah.

How do we kill him? Because I'm going to kill him.

I don't like him.

I don't remember. Were you a bad kid in school? Like, would you get detention all the time?

No.

Really?

Yeah. Why? What happened to you?

I got detention my first day of high school.

For what?

So we were— you know what works bombs are?

Oh, yeah.

So, like, you put this, like, works like chlorine fucking chemical thing or whatever you use to clean toilets. Yeah, into a bottle, and you add tin foil into that bottle and you shake it up or whatever the chemical reaction is, and it blows up. And so me and my friends, like, prior to the first day of high school, we're making these works bombs, not to like hurt anybody, but just because we like blowing shit up, right?

Right.

And so I'm talking to my friend in, in the hallway, like, this was like the first hour of high school, like, we're not even at our first period yet. So everybody's new, like no one else is going on. I'm talking to my friend and I'm like, I'm talking to him like openly about this works bomb. Like, yeah, we need to do it again. Like, sure. And as I'm saying that, like the security, like patrol person that like walks the halls overhears me.

She goes, Tina.

No, not Tina. The other one.

Oh, oh, the meaner one. The meaner one. Shorter hair. Yeah.

Yeah.

She goes, what did you just say? And I openly go, oh, a works bomb. And so like, I'm like explaining it to her, like not thinking like anything of it, right? Because like, I fucking did this shit 4 days ago out of school. What is she going to do?

Oh, works bomb.

And, and so I get brought into the dean's office and I get detention, like for fucking doing that.

Like, but what was it? I feel like a day of detention is really weird. I feel like for just talking about a works bomb, like, I feel like you should either get suspended for talking about a bomb or they should just be like, don't talk about—

Well, I was, I was so open about it that they were like genuinely like, okay, well, he definitely definitely not trying to hurt anybody because he's talking about it like it's like drugs.

He gave you detention for something you did outside of school?

Yeah, our school was like that, right?

They were like, yeah, I mean, our school sucks all the time. Like, I got—

like, I can't do that.

What do you mean? I mean, that's what— they can't do that. Whatever.

Mean to your sister, stay after school. I mean, that's crazy.

Yeah, but what is he gonna march in and go— it's— he was still talking about a bomb in school, right?

And I like was showing videos to everybody.

Oh yo, he left that out.

Yeah, yeah, I had videos too.

And I had a baby bomb I set off in literacy class.

Yeah, I thought it was just really funny. Like, before I even started first period, I already had detention. First day of high school.

Yeah, it was weird. Our school, our school is, our school is very tough because on one side we had cool teachers, right? And on the other we had the strictest, like, faculty, like in the, in the offices. So it's really hard to balance where you can say certain things and where you can't. Like some teachers you could literally talk about fucking having sex and hanging out, doing drugs, you know, like all kinds of stuff. But like, and then there were other teachers that were like, you know, you could talk about a bomb you did 3 days ago and you got in trouble.

And high school is cool because when you're a freshman, you can't really talk about the same things that you talk about when you're a senior, right? So like, right, you can't talk about sex.

I love— I love high school because I love high school for the reason because— because freshmen's like, everybody's a freshman. Everybody knows their place. Like, no matter who you are, like, you're still a freshman. And like, the entire school knows that. Sophomore year, like, it's cool, but the seniors and the juniors hate them because they think they're hot shit just because they were there for another year. Juniors, whatever. Respect. Seniors obviously are the top dogs. Like, I think it's so cool. I think it's so fucking cool how there's like this like system in school and you have to like, you like earn your way up to become like the top dog. It's kind of like what? It's kind of like a big fraternity.

It seems like it takes forever to—

right. It does. But it's like freshmen's brutal. But you learn something every year, right?

Right.

You learn like every part of every part of the system. It's like going from, you know, being the janitor to being the CEO of the company. Like, you learn every aspect of that company. I think that's what's so cool because you learn different social skills every year. Like being the coolest, being the fucking biggest loser. Like, it's all that. I think it's about—

I couldn't wait to be a senior. And then when we became seniors, we were like so stoked. But the class underneath us was way cooler. So they started just like blowing it out like crazy, right? So the juniors are like, well, the juniors are pretty cool.

You know what's the worst is imagine all the kids that were going into senior year this year and their fucking school is all online.

Yeah.

This is like this. You will never, ever, ever. I'm sorry. If this bums people out, but you will never, ever, ever, ever have a time like your senior year. You will never, ever have like a moment like that ever again.

Okay?

It's not that great. No, I mean, it is. It really is.

It is great. Well, maybe don't say that, but like, to miss out on it fucking blows.

It's like, I feel so bad for those kids, especially the fucking college kids. Like, it's just like, like, that sucks. Those are supposed to be like such cool moments of your life and it's like you'll never get it back. Like being part of a club or a team. And I don't know. Oh my God, I had literally cry. I would cry.

Yeah.

She's like, I've done it with a bunch of schools and the kids love bingo.

Yeah, I've done some college shows too.

Did you do bingo?

I haven't done— I haven't gone that low, but like, like I've done college shows and I go like, I'll like talk to the moderators before and I'll go like, hey, this is— I feel like this is going to be pretty fucking boring. Like I'm on Zoom, like talking, like, why don't you just watch all my videos? Like it's the same thing, but even more fun. And they're like, no, trust me, these kids right now have nothing.

Yeah.

Like that's how they talk about the kids. Like there's nothing going on here. Yeah, it is so boring. Like, just say honestly, talk about, talk about your morning routine. No one, you know, you will be so excited just to hear somebody else.

Yeah. You should have seen them playing bingo.

They're like, just have—

they were going apeshit.

Yeah.

Yeah. It was like they were all on drugs or something. They were like, yeah.

So Reggie's gay, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Talk about sex, baby.

No. So this is, this is This is really interesting. He's on this app called Grindr and like Grindr is like the Tinder, the Bumble, the Raya of, of gay men. Is it women? Guys, is it, is it women or is it just for guys?

It's just for guys or it's for guys or transgender.

Okay. So really matter. But this— I was going through his fucking messages yesterday and the entire app in general, it is fucking insane. It's nothing like any dating app.

Taylor's phone.

I went through all your messages. I think it's But look, you let me. You're sitting right there.

Why does Taylor have Grindr?

Okay, um, she's meeting through everybody. Anyone here works for Grindr Corporation, please unban me.

He got banned on his own phone, so he has to use my assistant.

It's banned on my iCloud and phone number.

Okay, so listen, I was reading these— I was reading these messages, and it's not like— it's not at all like pickup lines. It's— explain it.

It's strictly straight Forward, just it's not straight hooking up.

And it's like, it's like Reggie, Reggie will go, Reggie will go, do you have a picture of your dick? And they'll send 3 pictures of their dick and then they'll respond, do you have a picture of booty? And then Reggie will send a picture of booty. Like, it's fucking insane. No, like, you don't have no idea. Like, it's that fast. And, and I was going, I was looking at Reggie's Grindr yesterday and all the messages went out at 3:30 in the morning. He sent out a group of like 7 of them. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, at 3:30 in the morning. It's fucking crazy. Like, it's not even like— and there's no small talk. And then you went to one yesterday, right?

Yes.

And it was like a straight up— I'm telling you, it's a dick appointment. Like, as if you were going to the doctor and the guy was like, okay, pull your pants down, let's do it. It's like that.

It doesn't just make so much more sense than the other way. It makes all the time you waste on a dating app where you're like, but I feel like, hey, how are you?

Right, right, right. But I feel like it's just like a lot of— that's just how guys are, right? Like, they're just horny, like, constantly. So I think this works perfectly. Grindr's like The perfect. But it's fucking insane. It's like right to the point. And he went to one yesterday. Yes, at like 3:30 in the morning. And he came back at like 4 and we were like, what the fuck? And he's like, he's like, yeah, I just— he was not like the pictures at all. So I just, I left, which is crazy. So he showed up, he was there for like 3 minutes and he went, I have to go home. And the guy was just like, okay, like, because he was not feeling him. Like he didn't even have to go through like that awkward dating thing. Like where he's like still feeling like, you know, like when you hang out with a girl and she's not like she is like on the internet, you're like, okay, well, I can't be rude. I should still like hang out with her for like an hour or two. Reggie, like the Grindr culture, I guess, is so different where Reggie was just like, peace. You don't look like you. You don't look like you're in the pictures. I'm good. I'm going to go have sex with somebody else.

What did he look like?

Okay, he— he didn't send me a picture.

That's fucking crazy.

Reggie just went—

Reggie's just like, do you have a penis? The guy's like, yeah. He's like, he's like, okay, I'll be there. The guy fucking He didn't even send a picture. He just had a profile picture.

You say yesterday you're not a slut?

No, but like, not having action for like a long period of time.

4 days is rough.

4 days?

I don't know.

No, more like 4 months.

Oh, yeah.

So he sent a picture of his dick and so— and you're saying he didn't look like the pictures? He didn't send you a picture?

He was— he was very discreet. So he only sent a picture like neck down.

Oh yeah. A lot of them do neck down because they probably don't want their girlfriends to know. Right.

So some people are like that.

Right, right, right.

And you ever had that? You ever had somebody?

I have.

I have. I can't like say anything about it.

Reggie's hooked up with a dad before.

No, no, not a dad.

A daddy.

Yeah, I didn't like hook up with like a dad, but like I've seen my friend's dads there.

That's crazy.

Seeing your friend's dads where?

On Grindr.

Oh, you've seen your friend's dads on Grindr?

But bro, the app is nothing like—

like, it's just like Tinder, right? But just with dudes. Like, it looks like it, right?

No, no, Tinder has like— like, it's a picture in front of your college. Like, you know, you're innocent. Like, Tinder, you're strategically placing these pictures of like Hey, look, I'm an outdoorsy type. I like fishing.

I've been to Burning Man.

I've been to Burning Man. But Grindr's like, this is, this is the, this is how I look from the neck down.

Yeah.

And that's all it is. And some people's profile pictures, no face. It's literally only bodies.

Yes.

It's such an interesting world. I've never seen anything like it. And Reggie's like, it's like he's grocery shopping. It's literally like that. It's like, okay, I'm going to fuck this thing today and I'm going to fuck this guy today. Well, because you don't see their person. You literally just see bodies. It's just— but it's fucking insane. I had no idea it was like that. So I got an account and— no, but it is, it is. It's crazy that I just had to say— it's crazy. I had no idea that that's how things worked.

This is just my experience, but like being gay, like you don't have like that high school sweetheart or like you don't have like that relationship with someone else that you could experiment with. You know, right? But now in our generation, or like nowadays, I feel like we just rely on sex because like sex is like what we missed out during our whole life and not experiencing that with someone else.

So would you rather have sex a lot or would you rather have like an intimate relationship with someone?

Intimate. Yeah, because I've never had that.

Wow.

Even like, I think you're looking at the wrong place.

What?

Yeah, no, like I know.

I'm definitely finding love in the wrong place.

I mean, I'm only here for a short time. Not a fun—

Well, Reggie asked me to have sex the other day. No, he walked in my office like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm like working.

Yeah.

You want to have sex?

What did you say?

I was like, oh, I don't have a condom right now.

But wait, wait, wait. What happened? Is this seriously? Because you talked about this for a second.

No, no, seriously.

Oh, did he try to convince you?

No.

Oh, well, kind of. He's like, well, it's okay, I have one.

Oh, okay.

Who's hotter, David or Ilya?

Oh, we talked about this.

Um, we did.

I feel like Ilya is more Reggie's type.

Who's more your type?

Ilya.

Body type?

Ilya.

Oh, I see. He told me I was— Oh, you were here.

But like, I like a pretty boy face like David's.

Wow. Thank you.

Pretty boy.

But neck down, no. Hey, actually, height. I'm sorry, Ilya, but height.

He's taller than me.

Reggie, what the fuck?

What about— what about like Todd and Jeff? You think Ilya is hotter than Todd or Jeff?

Watch your words, Reggie.

Wait, what?

I know this is—

wait, Todd or Jeff?

I'm asking Reggie.

What, compared to David?

No one in this room is hotter than Todd or Jeff.

I'm asking. I'm asking Reggie. Reggie thinks Ilya is hotter than you. I'm saying, do you think Todd and Jeff are hotter than Ilya?

Yeah, but me and Ilya are like on the same length wavelength.

You're out of the running, dog.

You're not— you're not in the game.

You're out, bro.

You're out.

Oh, you got eliminated.

You think Illy has a chance against Todd and Jeff?

I'm asking Reggie.

Oh my God.

Answer the question, bro.

You might have something special about him.

I don't know.

I think Jeff is the most attractive one.

Okay, but bro, I've seen Illy in the gym. He's fucking yoked.

Yeah, but he's fucking 3 feet tall.

No, I feel like you, bro.

It's like Chicken Little with abs.

It's like it's really attractive when someone's like, well groomed and it just— it just like when you look at them, it's just like, oh, they smell good. They smell clean. Like when I look at Ilya, it's like, so you're saying— you think I don't smell clean?

Have you ever smelled his hat?

I haven't.

Does he shower? Does he shower a lot? Does he always smell good? You don't look like you shower and smell good all the time.

Hat smells when I'm fucking working out.

What do you mean?

Like, Ilya would be my type if he like—

why don't you get a new hat?

More groomed.

I can never get that together. I can never groom myself.

What are you talking about?

Yo, stop the— stop fucking being so defensive, bro. Yeah, he already is just asking you, fuck. He already offered to fuck you and you said no. It's over. You don't get a fucking second chance. Maybe next time don't be working so much and fuck our friend Reggie. Show some respect.

What would I tell John if I fucked Reggie?

I think that's— dude, that's the best part, is being able to tell his brother that you hooked up.

John. I fucked your brother.

Oh my God, oh my God, that'd be so funny.

No, it'd be funny telling Mike.

I mean, it'd be funny telling everybody.

I went to shoot a video with Joe at a bakery, and the girl who runs the bakery is like pretty attractive and super nice. And in the middle of it, she reaches down into the mixer and she's like, you know, sometimes, uh, we get things stuck in here. And she bent over into the fucking giant mixer. And Joe was like, oh, you get stuck in here? And I was like, Joe, no, no, not now. It's not a time for a stuck porn joke. We don't know this girl. Her boyfriend's watching the whole thing.

Did she get it?

No, she missed the whole thing. Like, I don't think she understood stuck porn jokes anyway. She was just like, anyways, and then I just reach in and grab it and then I come out.

Oh, okay. I thought you were stuck.

Have you noticed that Instagram Reels is like straight-up porn?

No, that's just you.

It's, it's an algorithm that's tailored to what you enjoy.

Yeah.

No, I'm the pervert. You guys don't, you guys don't go on your For You page on Instagram and then they, they feature a reel and every time it's a girl like lifting her skirt?

No, mine's all cars.

Really?

Yeah.

That's funny.

That's fucking okay.

Cut this out. Cut that out. No, I'm kidding. I've definitely seen some, like, weird— I haven't really messed around on Instagram Reels enough, though, for it to be like, yeah, you're a gender reveal party started like a giant fire. Is that how this fire is going on?

One of the fires, yeah, that burned 7,000 acres was started by a gender reveal party. Like an explosion.

People hate gender reveals. How did you find out what the gender of your kid was going to be?

Uh, we sat across the doctor. He's like, you want to know? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I want to know. And Marty was like, I don't know, like, let's just find out, let's just find out. It's like, okay. And then he just, he put it in an envelope and he handed it to us and we read it.

Wow. What did it, what did it say?

The boy.

So it said boy.

I was stoked.

Oh my God, I was so— you must have been so happy that the second one was a girl.

Even stoked-er.

That's the best combination.

It was unbelievable. The, the fact that I was having a boy, I was like, I can't believe I have my boy. I can redo all my father's wrongs.

And then that's a big deal.

And then that's a really— we went in for the second one, same doctor. His name's Howie Mandel. Not the— not the doctor.

Your doctor's name is Howie Mandel?

Dr. Howie Mandel in Beverly Hills.

You want to see your kid? It's a boy. Deal or no deal?

And then he slid it across, and I was like, come on, girl.

Bank's calling.

What's that?

No, sorry, I'm more doing audio references.

I was like, come on, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl. And then I was like, literally in his office, I was like, fuck yeah. I was like, yes, one of each.

That's so crazy.

I was like, I was like, that's amazing. And she's like, yes, it's good, it's good, it's good. Calm down. And I was like, no, one of each. That's great.

How would you have reacted if it was another boy?

I would have been like, okay, it's good, that's good. As long as it's healthy.

That's not fun though. That would have been boring, huh? Yeah, that would have sucked. Two boys. What's the point? You have to go again. You don't have to try again to get a girl.

Yeah, I would go again now.

You'd go again right now?

I don't have sex, but no, but no, I would have.

Is that just because you went on a 4-hour cruise ride with Marnie just now? You're just like, I want to go again. Jason was just on—

he's done having kids, I think.

Jason was just on a boat with Marnie for how long?

A 3-hour, 4-hour cruise. We went out.

Small boat or big boat?

Redondo. Pretty big yacht kind of thing.

Wow.

Like enough room for us to sit on the bow and like Then we saw a bunch of seals.

Oh wait, you had like a boat for yourselves?

Yeah, it was me and another family. Us and another family. But she really wanted to go, and I was like, all right, well, if it's an opportunity to hang out with her, I'll go. Wow.

Does she love you?

Sometimes I think about it. Sometimes I'm like, what, do I love her yacht?

I love her.

I love you a yacht. Todd's been on fire. David, I don't know if Todd's gotten funnier or if I've gotten stupider, but this motherfucker's been on fire lately with the most dumbest jokes.

Yeah, I love you. Yeah, that's pretty good. He must have sent that one to Natalie. Todd was— Todd was on a bed the other day.

You know, I don't have anybody in my life, so I'd certainly think about it.

I'm certainly like, hmm, I'm dating someone now.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh, that's gonna be crazy when I do get to say something like that.

I'm glad you're practicing saying it.

It felt good coming off my tongue. Yeah. You know what I'm excited for? I'm excited for you. Like, you to meet her.

Yeah, I'm so excited.

I don't know who she is, but like, that's gonna be really bizarre. Yeah, because you're gonna be like, he's been waiting for you for a long time, he's been really needing this. Like, that's gonna be fun. And then there's gonna be like a lot of pressure on her. She's gonna look at me, she's gonna go, wow, what do I not know about you? You've been like real desperate.

Is she 16?

She's 16. I don't know, that's gonna be crazy. That's so cool that like I may get married one day, and so will Ilya, and we'll have kids and Yes.

You guys have all that.

And the kids will like each other and then they'll marry and then we'll— Ilya and I will be in a family together.

How funny would it be if my kid was like 6'5" and his is like 5'4"?

If I was on my deathbed, what would happen?

If you were on your deathbed?

Yeah. Like, let's say— let's say I'm on my deathbed.

Yeah.

And what would happen?

Like, I'd come to the hospital. Yeah, I'd go—

it would be the final thing.

What? Well, you'd probably make me like— you'd probably like— first of all, you'd be sad. Well, is this after you get your kids out of the way?

Oh, my kids are grown. They're all married.

Oh, I thought this was like tomorrow.

No, no, not tomorrow.

Oh, you're on your deathbed. I don't fucking know. Let's say it's tomorrow. Let's say it's tomorrow. Let's say you got your kids out of the way.

You don't care. You don't care when I die when I'm 80?

No, because we're all going to be dying then.

No, you'll still be 60. You'll be spry.

Okay. Okay. Let's just say tomorrow, just for the sake of argument, because I find that interesting. You're on your deathbed tomorrow. All of a sudden you have— there's some complications. Your heart's about to shut off. You've said goodbye to your kids. And now it's the moment with the friends, which for some reason you kept them for second, just because you thought maybe you're going to die so quickly you need to see the kids first.

Okay.

Okay. So your kids have left and it's just me and you. I think that you would—

kids would leave. They'd be in the waiting room.

Most likely they'd leave.

They have stuff to do.

They've had a day.

He's busy.

Why? It's working on his album. So I think Yeah, I think, uh, I think what would happen— I think you'd want to— you'd want me to make like a last joke or a video out of it. I really do. I think you'd be like, grab your phone. I think even like with a little energy you had left, you could grab your phone. Grab your phone. Grab your phone. Make a joke about— right, or am I wrong?

Yeah, I would love it. The question is, is would you post it? Right, probably not, right? Probably couldn't.

That's why we— remember we made a pact like 3 years ago, if any of us died, we were allowed to make jokes the next day about it.

Yes, I remember.

We just have to kind of stick to that.

Probably film one more video.

Yeah. Pull the plug.

Make that joke.

Like, that'll be a really funny—

right now if you want. Yeah, do it, motherfucker.

One more shot of— one more shot with the paintball to the leg. Well, what would you— what would you want me to just come in?

What is going on in here?

Sorry. Sorry. I'm like wiping the paint off his leg. Your leg. Sorry, he just— he's gone. What am I going to do? It's okay.

I asked him to do it.

Damn. Would you be bummed if I replaced— like, I would obviously have to get a new podcast co-host for sure. Like, would it bum you out that I would already have someone lined up, like, even before you died?

In the hospital bed, me telling him, remember, he loves to talk about food. His vocabulary is not too good. He's still waiting for a girlfriend.

Well, what would you want me to do on your deathbed?

You nailed it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, probably jokes.

Would you want me to cry?

No, I wouldn't need you to cry. If you cried, that'd be fine. I wouldn't— I mean, I don't need you to cry. I don't expect— I wouldn't expect you to cry. Actually, you would cry. You probably would.

Yeah, I'd probably cry as long as everybody was out of the room.

You probably would. I've seen you cry once. I saw you cry once.

When?

Uh, one time I made a speech, you cried.

Oh yeah, I cried. It was at, uh, that restaurant.

Yeah, I saw Dave cry one time.

Okay guys, come on.

I love the way you said that. He was like, oh yeah, I can be Dave right now.

Yeah.

Uh, are you sure?

Fuck, what is this?

Of course I want to hear it.

Um, I don't know if I've told this story before, but one time—

can you tell me first just so I can prepare for it? I'm nervous. It's not that bad.

It's like very like hard Heartwarming, actually.

Fuck.

Like 2 or 3 years ago, you found out apparently that my girlfriend that I dated at the time for like 4 years cheated on me.

Oh yeah.

And I walk in the room.

I walk in David's room.

Oh yeah.

And he's like, yo, I got to talk to you. I'm like, oh my God, what's happening? He's all serious. And he goes, I think she— I think your girlfriend cheated on you. And he starts like, he starts like tearing up and crying.

I didn't know what to say.

I was so confused. I'm like, why are you crying?

I was just— it just— and it wasn't that I started tearing up before I said it. And then you were like, you were freaking out. You're like, what the fuck are you crying? You're like, what's going on? And you made me spit it out. And it was— she wasn't dating him. This, this is a girlfriend he had 4 years ago. And I, and I just found out that she cheated on him the entire time, which wasn't true. Um, but like, but like, I found out that you cheated on him the entire time. The relationship was over and you were friends years ago. I was like, but I was like, I have to tell him because like he'll still check in on this girl. I was like, fuck this girl. Um, but, but all it all turned out to not be true. Um, but yeah, I was like telling him, I was like, I have no idea how to tell him this.

I called her, I called her right after. I'm like, I'm like, did you cheat on me?

She's like, what?

What are you talking about?

What made you cry?

I mean, what do you mean? It's like people cheating on— I hate cheaters. I fucking hate cheaters.

I know, but the relationship was over. It had nothing to do with you. Why are you crying about his 4-year relationship?

Because I really liked her. Because he really liked her. And it was like— and it was just like crushed the idea of like trust and like love for somebody to hear that. Like that blows.

Number 1 person in the world once again.

Hey, I love love. And when it's fucking— when love's ruined, I get fucking angry.

Hey, Wyatt sampled his own fart the other day. It was fucking— this shit was Popping.

He's just—

he— his own fart?

Yeah, he farted accidentally while he was like doing music.

Like bare ass onto the—

no, he farts accidentally. He has like loose cheeks and, um, and he was dressed like his pops. And, uh, and then I guess whatever he was creating, he didn't really think was so great, but he sampled the fart and the fart was like—

how was it?

Yeah.

Oh, he did.

It was pretty good. Wait, what happened when you were boxing with Natalie?

Well, we go boxing like 3 times a week and we went one time, 2 times ago we went with Addison and Natalie. And so when we came back to this last time that we went, Addison didn't come, but Saul, one of the trainers, kept on calling Natalie Addison. Let's go, Addison, let's go. And now it's just like, okay, that's the worst.

Yeah, dude, boxing coaches never get names right, ever. Like, they call me Elliot and then they shorten it. They go E. I'm like, okay, well, neither of them are right. So like, at this point, Doesn't mean boxing coaches can't get names right.

Yeah, yeah. I've been— all your boxing coaches, all my boxing coaches ever, ever have always gotten—

you've never watched like Mayweather's fights? His coach will always go, Lloyd, you got this, Lloyd. It's just a thing. The boxing coaches just cannot get it right. No, but it's the worst when someone doesn't get your name right because it's like, like especially when you don't correct them right away because now they're going the entire day and now you're just like digging yourself deeper into the hole. Well, now you definitely can't correct them. So like now, now we've made it a point. We all have to call Natalie Addison around this boxer trainer just so he doesn't feel bad.

Did you correct him?

No.

Well, I would have corrected him, like, if he just said a completely different name.

Mark.

Mark.

Yeah.

Did he ask you to make a TikTok at the end?

No, I don't think— I don't even think they pick up on the fact of like who she is or like in that regard.

It's Todd and I box. He knows our names. Todd and Jason.

Jason goes, I'm Todd and he's Jason. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today. Thank you guys for listening. Make sure to go buy all our merch. Go buy some of Jason's merch. Do you still have merch?

Yeah, I do.

Is it nice?

It's pretty good.

Do you wear it?

I don't have any of it right now. I lost a lot of the items.

They don't send you new ones?

No, they make me pay for it.

All right, we'll see you guys later. This is the Views Podcast. My name is Jeff.