Our Publicist Said We Can't Talk About This

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views. Congrats, because you just found the best podcast on the internet.

That's right, motherfuckers. We're coming for your fucking family this week with a hot podcast.

What does that mean, coming for your family?

I just wanted to weed out all the idiots. Now we can only have the good people.

Now we're the cool people. Congratulations. You're ready to be entertained. Roll the intro music. You know what's crazy about chicken? What is— it's the same name that they have for the animal as the food. Like, that's so bizarre. Like, oh, that's a chicken. Like, when you eat cow, you don't go, can I do a cow? Like, that's— isn't that crazy to think about? Like, that's so bizarre. Like, it's beef, right? Or like pig, it's pork. It's like, I will have one pig and then my daughter would have some cow and then I would— I'll just take chicken. Like, that's— it's weird how that's—

I mean, yeah, but all the fish are named after their names. Tuna, swordfish.

Oh, the swordfish.

Yeah, but those are like—

salmon.

Those are really close to like Chickens. Yeah, that's the same thing. Isn't that fucking crazy? Never think of that, huh?

Please don't point your finger 2 feet from my— 2 inches from my face.

Did you ever think of that before?

No, I never have, Dave.

See, I told you.

Take your smelly finger away.

That's why I'm saying— that's why I'm saying, dude, you stick with me long enough and you'll see the world in a totally different way.

I love it, man. I remember the day that we were on this podcast and you go, yo, man, have you ever thought about night? I was like, what do you mean?

Did I say that?

Yeah, you're like, night, it's crazy.

It is bizarre.

Like, we all agree that it's gonna be night now.

And we all agree that that's the time to rest.

Yeah.

Like we've all, we like the humans, humans have gone, hmm, I have a hard time seeing at night. Let's just take that time to like just be by ourselves for a little bit. Like recharge, recharge. Like you think, like you think like if I was first came to this planet, I didn't know about night and day. I'd be like, it's the daytime. This sound, this is like a, This feels like a safe time for me to rest. That's where I'd be. I'd be like, but it's actually backwards. That's the crazy part is it's not. It's like, if I got here and I was a caveman, I'd be like, I'm gonna rest during the daytime, not during night, 'cause I have no, I can't see during the night. So I can't see.

So you're a caveman from another planet? Is that what you're saying?

No, but I'm just saying like at night I'd be like, okay, I'm on high alert at night, and then during the day, obviously, Something happens, I can just open my eyes and I'll see.

But why would you waste all that good time seeing?

Well, see, then there are other humans who said that, and then they were like, let's sleep at night.

Yeah.

This is why this podcast is so amazing, because it gets you thinking. Yeah, it gets you thinking.

I want to let you know there's another Shorty Award for you that just came in.

Really?

Yeah.

After that speech?

From that speech alone. They canceled the Shorty Awards.

What's the award for?

Biggest Genius. Biggest in Broadcasting. They have the Biggest Genius in Broadcasting.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's It's important to humble myself because I know these awards are flying in, but it is also nice to look back and reminisce and accept the—

Oh, another Streamy!

Another one?

Shit.

Yeah, that was for the acceptance speech.

Damn, you just got a Streamy for best acceptance speech. Well, sick.

Hey, you know, what can you say?

Racking them up. Hey, you might want to apologize to the H3 Podcast because they were nominated.

I'm sorry, guys.

Mention them.

You guys put up a good fight, H3.

You're very funny, but not this year. It wasn't your year. Hey, man, a chicken wing in China tested positive for COVID.

A chicken wing?

Yeah, chicken wing.

Oh, yeah.

Why would they test a chicken wing?

I don't know, guys.

I'm sorry. Are you saying the same thing? Are you saying chicken wing or chicken wang?

There's no such thing as a chicken wang.

Okay, that's what I thought.

Chicken wang is a dance from like the '70s. Oh my Ella, a dance.

So wait, you mean the chicken test? The whole chicken tested positive for COVID?

No, a frozen chicken wing.

It had COVID on it.

Yeah. So you got to be careful, man.

Are you fucking— where did it get positive?

It was an extra on Cardi B's music shoot.

No, no. Jay, Jay, where was it? And how did this chicken wing even go to the doctor? Was this chicken wing like, I feel sick?

You're actually posing a great question. Like, what made them go, we better test this chicken wing to make sure?

Oh, okay. I know what happened. So they must have been testing chicken wings, like, just in general. Like, they must have been like, can chicken wings get COVID? Like, that must have been the original task.

Yeah.

And then they were like, yes, it is. Newsflash, chicken wings. And yeah, Buffalo Wild Wings now, it's like it's having their—

so watch out. Hey, um, I got a text. We all got a text from Dave.

Nice. Oh, sorry, I thought that just ended there.

We all got a text from Dave.

I was going to say congrats on getting a text. That's pretty sick.

Yeah, you never text me. In fact, now when you call me, I'm just like, oh God, what's wrong?

Every time I FaceTime you, bro, your face looks like— you know what your face looks like when you answer? It looks like you just stepped out of the living room to go talk to me because I'm about to tell you that somebody died. Like, it— like, you can— like, you're leaving. Like, you could tell that you're leaving a room because you need to, like, get the bed. You think something is wrong every time I call you.

That's how rare you call me these days normally. So now when you do call— like, before, when you would call, I'd be like, yeah, I'll come right over. But, you know, I'm not mad about that. I'm just saying, when I do get a call from you, I'm like, uh-oh, something must be wrong. I posted something, or— but no, um, we all got a text this week from David's publicist saying that this podcast needs to have no sex in it. Did you guys see that text?

I didn't get that text.

Someone said that.

Yeah, someone. Your publicist Megan sent it. She said, guys, this week on the podcast, please do not talk about sex. I want to see how it performs.

I'll tell you how about how I perform when I'm fucking jerking my meat off.

No, can't do it. Okay, so no sex. Podcast.

No sex podcast.

Yes, we got to keep it really clean.

I think it'll do worse. I honestly think our listeners have been up since we've been talking about jerking off. I think— I honestly think we're welcoming in like a new audience.

You know, honestly, our viewership has gone up.

I get a lot of DMs on Insta saying, thank you for teaching me about sex. Do you really? Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

No, you don't.

No, it is. I do. I'd be like, hey— well, some are like very sarcastic.

Uh-huh.

So I'm like, thank you for teaching me I was sitting with my mom on our way to Ralph's. I really appreciate that. No, but I like it. I like it. I like talking about sex.

Well, the first person that talks about sex on this podcast has some sort of punishment.

Dude, last time I made the joke, it's a spanking. And I'm really— in my head's heading there again.

A fun spanking, not a dirty spanking.

Not a dirty spanking. Whoever talks about sex gets tied up. How about that? Okay. And he wants to get tied up. Oh, yeah.

Earlier today, I was like, hey, what are you hungry for?

She goes, Dick Taylor, what the fuck? What the fuck has gotten into you?

Oh, nothing.

Yeah. Earlier she was watching the Sway Boys House TikToks and she goes, she turns to Ella, our other assistant, and she goes, Ella, let's go.

That's all me and Taylor send each other on TikTok is just Sway Boys.

Sure.

It's nice. I like that, like, older people have gotten into, like, those, those TikTok boys because on Vine it was only like the young guy— sorry, like the young girls that were into like those, like, cute boys on Vine.

Right.

But now it's like the older, like, 24, 25-year-old girls, like, are starting to like, like, the, the boys on TikTok. It means culture is shifting, which is kind of cool.

Yeah. Yeah. TikTok's big. Those guys are really nice. I was over— they live in my old house. I was over there the other day.

Yeah, dude. So, so there's these TikTokers. They're going to call— it's called the Sway House. Yep. And, um, it's a couple of dudes and they live in Jason's old house where he used to live. And Jason, before he came over, went to the backyard and he buried $10,000 like in their backyard. And then he went to their front door and he goes, hey guys, you know, I used to live here. I buried $10,000 in the backyard. Can I just go grab it? And they were like— and I was watching the video and they were all like so confused and like they think Jason's joking. And then he starts digging up the dirt with his fucking hand. And he pulls out like a Ziploc bag with $10,000 in cash in it. And they're looking at each other like, whoa, what the fuck? This is fucking for real. Really, really funny. Really funny. And Jason goes, Jason goes, yeah, I mean, merch was doing well when we were living here. We just had a lot of money coming in. We didn't know where to put it. We, uh, we just started burying it.

It was weird to be there. They painted over the painting that you put in there.

We painted over the painting.

No, we didn't.

Oh, we didn't.

Oh, did you? Did you?

Did you?

Did your crew go over there and paint it over?

Yeah, of course. I think when you got rid of the house, we had to paint over it.

No, Taylor.

I didn't do it.

Okay, so then it didn't get done.

Oh, wow.

Because, you know, Natalie wasn't over there. Hey, hey, did you see me? You see me? This is a great lesson today. You see me butter up Natalie today in the car?

That was really good.

I was— that is a great lesson.

Jason got in the car, needed something from Natalie. So immediately he goes, Natalie, you're beautiful today. Honestly. And here's the thing. Jason hopped in the car and before he could turn his fat neck around, because it takes It takes, it takes Jay a while to sit in the car and turn around. So literally, before he could even turn around to look at Natalie, he goes, Natalie, you look beautiful today. Like, as he's scooting into the Tesla and he's like, he's like putting one leg up and then the next is like hip is busted. He goes, you look so beautiful, Natalie. And now he's like, what? And then he's like, yeah, you just have the best sense of humor. And then he's like, oh, by the way, can you be my YouTube video I'm doing? Yeah, it was nice how you brought her up.

But it worked. Flattery, genuine flattery, because I was genuine about it, will get you everywhere.

You were being genuine?

I was. I think the world of Natalie, of course.

Okay.

Yeah, Natalie's beautiful and she's very funny and she's good at her job. I love Natalie. I think she's very special.

Do you like, like Natalie?

I like her as in like a, you know, daughter kind of way. Like, I'm very proud of her.

Stepdaughter type of way?

Stepdaughter.

And does this count as talking about sex if we keep going with it?

I've been playing tennis with Wyatt, and, uh, it's so funny. Like, sometimes he's really good, and sometimes he's really bad. And like, it's really frustrating because you just want the game to go faster.

Oh fuck, sorry, I was first tonight. Well, you gotta— you got— next time, next, next time you talk about Wyatt and tennis, just leave. No, no, you gotta look at me and you gotta go, hey, heads up, buddy, it's, it's about to go down.

Because you love these stories.

Yeah, like, give me a— because I space out sometimes. Give me a big— give me a big heads up.

Okay, I won't— I'll try not to talk about Wyatt, but have you ever—

no, no, I'm kidding. What happened? You guys were playing tennis.

Well, this is funny. I thought that you'd probably relate to this because you used to play tennis. Have you ever gone to like get a ball over a fence and then like— so he goes to get the ball, I'm like, go get the ball because I can't move. He goes to get the ball, then he like throws it, but then it doesn't make it over.

Oh my God, that's the most Wyatt thing to do ever.

He did it like 5 fucking times. He was like, oh God, I'm like, just fucking leave the ball, just come back and play. I want to go over there and I want to get— he asked me to play tennis every fucking night and I'm like, I'll go, but I got to get a sweat on. Like, I got to get a workout. That's the only way I can, I can validate.

I got a goal, Wyatt, but you can't play like a pussy, okay? Because Papa needs to shred some fucking calories.

I do.

And if you're not gonna make me run, then you better fucking sit at home.

That's how we do it too. I go, let's go, let's go, keep playing, I gotta get my heart rate up. And so he can't serve, so I allow him to serve as much as he wants. So sometimes he'll serve like 7 times, but then otherwise he's good, like he can actually play. He has a backhand, he makes some incredible shots, but then other times I'll fucking hit the ball and he'll just like watch it, he'll just look at it. And so I said to him, I go, what's going on? I go, sometimes you're playing really well and other times not. And he goes, I don't know, he's like, I just like, 'Have you ever, when the ball comes, do you ever just like look at it and think you're returning it?' Whoa.

'But then you're not.' And I'm like, 'No, I usually just hit it.' Your son seems like the perfect person to talk to about the invention of night. I feel like he would—

Oh, he would love that.

Oh yeah?

Oh, he loves shit like that. He would actually entertain it.

What's some weird shit that he's brought up around you?

Oh my God, he talks about the space-time continuum all the time.

He has like theories though, right?

Yeah, he has certain theories that he throws out and I'm an idiot so I can't tell if they're good or not. I brought him to Nick Uhas once and had him tell Nick Uhas the theories.

Yeah, I mean, he's a smart kid.

He's, he's okay. Yeah, Charlie's the one that'll be successful.

Who's Charlie?

What were you guys fighting about the other night when Ella sent me that video? That was so funny. I was here and then I left, and then Ella sent me this juicy video of Ilya and David arguing, like a best friend argument.

A little fucking cunt. That's why I fucking ordered— I ordered Wendy's and Chick-fil-A. And what I ordered from Wendy's was the chili. And from Chick-fil-A, I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich. Yeah, like pretty healthy options.

Yeah.

And Ilya goes, what are you doing? Why are you cheating? And I go, and I go, I'm not fucking cheating. It's chili. It's healthy. Look it up. And I'm like, just because it's fucking Wendy's, you don't have to bust my balls. Like, look it up. And then, and then we got into this whole thing and I'm like, and I'm like, well, you cheat once a week, so technically you're just as much of a cheater as I am. And he goes, Once a week is fine if you're not cheating the rest of the week. And I was like, and I go, imagine if you have a fucking girlfriend and you cheat on her once a week. You're still a cheater. That analogy— it's not a bad analogy. Same fucking thing.

You're a fucking idiot.

It's a bad fucking idea. I'm not getting into it.

Chili's is unhealthy.

So is Chick-fil-A.

Chili's is not unhealthy.

Yeah, it is.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it is. Read the ingredients.

By the end of the argument, you agreed that he was right.

Yeah, you did agree I was right.

David, like, starts yelling at him.

I cheat one time a week.

And you know what?

I never cheat. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

You're still cheating.

You cheat every day, you idiot.

You cheat every day. Shut the fuck up. You cheat on her once a week, you're still fucking cheating. It is the same concept.

It is cheating.

You are a cheater.

I was so jealous when I saw that. I was like, damn it.

And then Jay, literally the second— like, they're both Ilya's screaming at David, screaming. And then he like sits down and I go, I kind of agree with Ilya. And David goes, yeah, me too.

And he was just like— Oh, when you do that, when you argue a point and get me all riled up and in the end you're like, I was just fucking around, I get so mad at you. I get so mad at you.

That's my fucking favorite.

Yeah, you're good at that.

Yeah, yeah, that's my favorite.

You love it.

Well, yeah, also like I was like, also like at first I was like, just pissed at Ilya for fucking calling me out on my chili because, like, I'm a fan of the chili and I do genuinely think it's healthy.

Sure.

And then, yeah, we got a little sidetracked and I told him that it's like he's cheating on his girlfriend when he's eating his chicken sandwich, which wasn't true, which is a crazy comparison. But, but yeah, I got carried away and I admit that. But I mean, listen, it was the heat of the argument and I had a good time.

Heat of the moment.

I think you could say both.

Whatever, bro.

I agree with you.

I wanted that to turn into a huge argument.

The other thing that you do is I'll, like, run into somebody and I'll be like, yeah, they were kind of shitty like that. And then David will be like, no, they weren't. You'll be like, you'll be like, no, they weren't. And I'm like, no, you weren't fucking there. I was there. I told you, I'm telling you, they were kind of shitty and not that friendly.

I don't disagree with you to just disagree with you. Like, I'm telling you the truth here. Like, sometimes I'll take his ex-wife's side on things and like, that'll piss Jason off a lot. But like, it's not true. Yes, Taylor?

You guys have been arguing a lot lately. Um, I believe you got in an argument earlier this morning while getting back in the car.

Yeah, we got into a lot of arguments. I mean, listen, it's part of us growing as friends. Now we're living together, so there's a lot going on. This motherfucker, let me tell you what he did.

You guys have never lived together before.

What did I do?

This morning I woke up, I wake up, not, no, I'm going to bed, I'm going to bed, and I check the AC because I normally do. He put it to 54. Motherfucker. 54 degrees. It's so cold. Which is like, it's like, it's cold enough to like, where it can maybe start snowing. Yeah, like in the house freezer. It's bad. It's bad. So I turn it up to 96, but that's fucked up. That's like, that's like, that's fucked up.

You got to learn your lesson, man.

You got to learn your lesson.

It's so fucking hot in this house. Nobody can handle it but you. You're fucking— I'm the only person that likes the heat.

Next time you do that, I'm going to pour boiling water.

What I'm going to fucking do—

what?

I'm going to install my own fucking AC unit in my fucking room and I'm going to tear up the whole fucking living room and have ducks running just to my fucking room.

Ducks? What does this have to do with animals?

Nice.

Wait, can I tell the story of when I came in, uh, the other morning?

What happened?

It's like, I can't— did I like walk in kind of before 10? So it's like on the earlier side.

Yeah.

So I walk in, and as I'm walking in, Ilya is coming out of David's room in his underwear, like fixing his underwear, and looks at me and I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, don't worry about it, don't worry about it.

And just like walks into his room.

And then I hear David yell, Ilya, come back!

No, no, no, Ilya. What happened is Ilya, like, Ilya never wakes me up. And he was like, yo, you got to get up, you got to go for— go to the meeting. And, um, and then, and then he woke me up. And then as he's walking out, I hear Ella going, what the fuck is going on? And I hear Ilya go, it's not what it looks like. And then I scream and I just wanted to add to it now. And I go, Ilya, come back to bed. Yeah, that's a short story. I fucked Ilya. I'll tell you about what we did, but we're not allowed to talk about sex. So the other day I was on my way to the DMV and Joe texted me and he's like, hey, Steve-O's taped to a billboard. So I literally took one like left turn that I would normally not take, and I got there right before my DMV appointment.. And there he was taped on a billboard. Yeah. And it's not much to the story other than the fact that he was promoting his special and he taped himself to the billboard and his, like, his, like, guys were there, like his team that produces everything. And they were like, yeah, we taped him up here at 9 in the morning and no one was here for about the first hour. And he was pretty bummed and sad about it. But then everyone showed up, like the fire— the fire department came, police department, every news station was there. So it got pretty fucking wild and they pulled him down. I asked one of the cops if he's getting arrested and they said no. So that's nice. They said no.

Yeah.

I don't think— I think he was just telling me that.

I wonder if he got arrested.

Jason, when you're a bully or were you bullied in high school?

Is that a serious question? Ella, you're asking if Jason was bullied in high school or if he was the bully?

I mean, you never know at all in the short time we've known each other.

I mean, you were bullied, right? Of course it was. But yeah. That's okay, though. Awful.

Yeah.

I like that.

That's like—

you shouldn't. It's Jew backwards. Ilya, I like that. That's sick. I'm gonna call you Wedge.

That's like a Sandlot nickname.

Wedge.

It is a cool name. It's— if it didn't have the Right. Negative connotation to it.

What do the police say when you go back home, David? What? What are the police— So funny.

What do you mean? What do the police say?

What do the police say to you when you go back home?

Like, are they like, David's cool?

Yeah. Are they like, fuck this guy?

No, they're pretty nice. They're nice. Yesterday we were driving and there was this fucking cop and Natalie was right behind me and it was like pushing up on Natalie. I was like, fuck, he's trying to get around Natalie to get to me. And then he like went, like went around like Natalie and like cut her off and then pulled right up next to me. I'm like, fuck, here it goes. And he told me to roll my window down and he's like, what's up? And I go, oh shit, hi. I thought you were pulling me over. And he's like, I thought about it, but I know that you get— I know that that would just bother you. He was just saying hi.

I want to say something right off the fucking bat.

Go.

Hey, well, technically, fuck you. Technically, this is the middle of the podcast.

Listen.

And we already recorded 20 minutes.

So this isn't right off the bat today. Oh, you just dumped some mac and cheese today.

I'm at Zane's pool, right? Yeah. And David drops me off with Taylor.

You're welcome, by the way.

Which is 20 feet away. They drop me off. David goes to run in and he comes back in like an hour and a half. He calls me.

I was back. Don't make my hikes seem like they take a while.

Okay, whatever. Fucking 30 minutes, whatever, whatever. 30 minutes. He's back in 30 minutes. He FaceTimes me. I'm just laying there. He's like, yo, come outside, I'm here. I'm like, wait, hold on a second. I made a joke. I'm like, I'm chilling with the boys. He's like, all right, I'm leaving. I'm like, no, no, I'm kidding. I'm coming out, I'm coming out, I'm coming out. And he's like, no, no, I'm driving up, I'm driving up right now. I'm up the hill already.

I'm like, bro, just wait.

No, he picked up the phone and he was on the lounge chair with Zane, and like, Zane's comfy, he's comfy. I'm like, this is gonna be a while, okay? So I'm like, I'm just going up the hill, Taylor will come back down to get you, like, no big deal. I want to go home, I want to shower. And there's one One thing I like, if there's like one pet peeve I have, it's like I hate making pit stops. And you know that, like a pit stop. I hate pulling over for your nicotine. Oh my God. Or gas stations. I'm the worst.

I'm the worst.

The worst pit stopper for coffee. And this was, this was a pit stop.

It's on, it's on the same street.

And then guess what happened? Guess what happened? So Taylor goes to pick him up.

I appreciate that.

I do.

He comes upstairs, he comes back into the house, and I'm looking for him because I want to talk to him because, because, you know, he gets pissy and I can't find him and he's outside in the backyard staring out at the view, like leaning over, like, like, like he's reminiscing on his childhood. The dude is so fucking dramatic. It is insane.

Okay, okay, that was a joke. I was joking about that.

Wasn't a joke.

Why are you so powerful?

It was you.

All you have to do is wait 15 seconds. That's insane how you can't wait 15 seconds.

Like, it's bananas.

I didn't think it was gonna be 15 seconds, but I told you I'd be right out.

I just didn't believe you.

It wasn't like you had anything going on, right?

I just needed a shower.

I had my— he hates doing this. Oh my God. If whenever we were going out filming, if I needed something, I would never ask.

Whose side are you on? Because honestly, the only reason I brought this conversation up is because I thought you'd be on my side.

Well, I'd have to be on Ilya's side because if it wasn't David, I know David would be on your side.

Can I also say something? Yeah, I am on your side. I think what I did is really fucked up.

Okay. Okay.

Thank you. I should have definitely waited.

Makes you feel better.

Thank you. Okay. Okay.

Yeah.

Well, that's settled. What was your chat roulette story?

Have you ever gotten caught on chat roulette by somebody that you know? Like somebody that you know know?

No. That sounds horrible.

Isn't that virtually impossible to—

Yeah. Well, it happened to me. No, I think it would be. I think it would be possible. So chat roulette's a place where, at least back in the day, kids would go on to, like, flirt with other— what they kind of do now, too. You'd, like, flirt with girls. I don't even know if you know what it's about.

I know what Chatroulette is.

Yeah, like you go on there usually with like at sleepovers, you'd go on there with like 3 friends and you just look for girls that were like your same age. So they're like, oh, you have a chat box. It's like, it's like a random conversation with a random person. You click next and it goes to the next person. Okay. I feel like everybody listening knows what fucking Chatroulette is. Just Jason here.

I know what it is.

So, so it's on this thing. It's on this thing called the internet and it's fucking great. You should try it. Go. What happened?

So I don't have many of these Chatroulette sessions, right?

Sessions.

Okay.

Yeah. Like, when you go on Chatroulette and you're like, I was alone, right? So, like, I didn't have anybody near me.

All right. You went on by yourself?

I was just by myself.

What were you going on for?

I was like 14 and I was going on to, like, flirt with a girl or, like, hook up with a girl, whatever.

Like, like, okay, sorry. I know we're not allowed to talk about this because Megan said no talking about jerking off, but would it be like a, like, experience with a girl where you would take your clothes off and she would take her clothes off?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

I already had my shirt off.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I had already had my shirt off.

Oh, so you were on ChatRaw as a 14-year-old kid with your shirt off? Yes.

Okay. And so I'm scrolling, I'm scrolling through people and like, I'm already kind of worried because I'm like, this is fucking weird.

And you're by yourself in your room. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. And so I'm scrolling and it's like 15 minutes and I finally like land on like a cute girl and like we're talking in the chat and then she types in the chat like, oh my God, I know you.

Oh no.

Oh my God. Oh, dude, I turned so red.

Oh my God. I'm like, fuck.

And then I type back, I'm like, LOL, I don't know who Ilya is. And bro, bro, she sends me— and then she sends me a Facebook link to my profile. I'm like, fuck me. I'm like, because at that time I didn't have any social media, so like she had to have known me like from somewhere, but I had no idea who the fuck this girl was.

Oh, you had no idea.

She had no idea who she was. I like, I was so embarrassed that I pretended that someone was in my room and I turn around and I start mouthing to like this pretend person, like pretending like nothing's happening.

Like you were like pretending you were with friends.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And, and yeah, I just clicked like exit or whatever and then that was it. But it was so embarrassing.

You ever find out who the girl was? No, but, but she sent you the link. Oh, she sent you the link onto the chat roulette. Yes.

Yeah.

And how does she know you?

I have no idea.

I've probably got somebody from high school that I would assume was from middle school.

I don't know, but I feel like she would have confronted me about it.

No, because that's like a weird thing to— I guess chat roulette is like— it's like being at a strip club. Like whoever you meet there, you shouldn't talk about it.

We had something similar when I was a kid. It was chat horseback.

Are you fucking with me? Yeah.

What? We'd get on horseback and we'd ride for a couple of days and then meet up with people. Took a lot more time.

She never showed her face, though.

Natalie just ignored you. Natalie was like, okay, Jason, hold on.

Shut the fuck up.

Chad horseback. No, we got the horseback. We got the joke.

We were on a horse. You see, I was trying to—

we're going to send this podcast early if you keep acting up like this. Okay.

No, no, she, she showed her face.

She was—

I'm pretty sure she was like with a friend too.

But you didn't know who she was.

I had no idea who they were. Yeah, I had no idea. And I still don't know.

So you guys want to know a fun fact? I have the 5th most liked TikTok on the app. Really?

Which one?

The explosion. Probably makes you want to treat me nicer, huh, Jason?

What explosion?

Pretty nice.

The science experiment.

Oh, that's nuts.

What's ahead of you, huh? Jason Derulo.

It's the Rock and it's like Selena Gomez and I don't know, and some other guy who does like this dancing.

Most liked, right?

Most liked. Yeah. 18 million likes. Wow. Pretty good.

That's crazy. Did you ever get into any trouble on Chat Roulette?

Okay, just a heads up.

There's no more talking about fucking.

This is a fuck-free podcast.

Okay, good. Good call. Fuck-free podcast.

Fuck-free podcast. No fucking. No talking about fucking.

No dicks.

No pussies. Per order of David's publicist. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-free. You're used to these guys talking about sex. Well, not today. Put your dicks away, pussies. No getting hard on this podcast.

I don't think people ever got hard. I was talking about jerking off. I don't think there's a kid out there that was like, yes, yes. I don't think it was ever like that. It was just gross.

Right?

Guess what my grade was in trigonometry?

Well, it was definitely an F.

That was definitely the one you failed. Uh, 43%.

Are you fucking serious?

I'm so serious, dude.

If the teacher would ask me like a fucking simple question, I would have been like, I have no fucking idea.

Why'd you—

dude, I got one time, I got a 0 out of 28 in a quiz. Swear to God, right hand to God. She walks up to me, she goes, are you serious?

Wait, wait, wait, how'd you get a 43% of the entire class?

I just like I, I hated it so fucking much, and it was my 8th period of the day, and I was like so done with school by then. Like, end of the day.

Oh my God, that's the worst to end on.

Trig.

Trig.

Yeah, bro. What a fucking bitch.

It's such a bitch. I literally like, honestly, there would be times where I just wouldn't go. Like, and like, that's not normal for Vernon Hills High School, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I just wouldn't fucking go. That's not normal.

Yeah, it was just like, I'm so over it.

And what happened when you failed?

Um, there was like a chance of me not graduating, but I somehow like got around that.

I don't know.

Really?

Yeah. How'd you get around it?

I have no idea. But like, I was so fucking nervous because like, fuck, I failed. Like, I'm not gonna be able to walk the fucking stage. And then I just never asked any questions.

Crazy that that was like a thing for some students. Like, some students couldn't graduate because of their grades. The dodgeball show I've been working on is coming out.

When? When's it come out?

When is it coming out, Natalie?

On Wednesday at 9 PM.

Wow, that's fucking crazy.

Wednesday.

Yeah, I watched some commercials for it. It's really cool. They go, Dodgeball Thunderdome hosted by David Dobrik.

Really? Yeah, it's really— you're gonna watch it here? We're gonna have a big party.

Yeah, we're gonna throw a little, uh, premiere party.

Are we actually watch it? Yeah.

Do you ever, when you're high, do you ever go, I'm not high, I'm good, I'm good?

Whoa, you're so high for saying that. That was crazy.

No, listen, But I feel like, um, what was I saying? Fuck, what was I saying? What did I like the last maybe minute? Can you just repeat it?

Joe, Joe, put this shit in to show how high Elliot is.

I, I can't remember what you fucking said. Wait, wait, was it me talking to you, bro?

Elliot, that happened to me on the podcast like 3 weeks ago. David and I were in a full conversation and then I just dropped out.

Continue.

Continue what?

You were talking— what was I saying? No fucking way you're the fuck— I remember you're the fuck— I have no idea what I I know what you said.

I know what you said, bro.

Are you this high?

Deadass, I don't remember what I said.

What the fuck did I just say? Oh my God.

Well, please tell me it's killing you.

Okay, okay, you were talking about, are you ever that high where you're like, I'm good?

Oh yeah, yeah, I remember now.

Oh yeah, that's it. Okay, yo, you're literal— your literal story originally is like, are you ever that high where you're like, I'm good, I'm good, and then 15 seconds later you're like trip out. That's literally what just happened with you as you're explaining the story.

Uh, okay, we all, we all, we all end up on a desert island.

Got it.

Go. Okay, we're on a boat, we're having a great time, the boat capsizes. It's me, Dave, Ilya, Taylor, Ella, and Natalie. Jason's going first. What happens? Who does what on the island?

Oh wait, it capsizes. Oh, we're stuck on the island or are we stuck in the ocean?

Stuck on the island.

Did you just—

did you just give him CEO permissions? Is that what I just heard?

I was just asking him a question. Okay. But yeah, like, to the front.

Ilya thought you asked the question to me directly and went, david, what would you make us all do? That's what Ilya.

Oh, no, no. I was thinking, like, ilya will fish. It's a stupid hypothetical.

No, it's not.

I love this. I'm gonna go. No, I'm gonna go.

No, I gotta go.

Definitely don't go. Thank you so much for the last three years, you guys. I love this podcast. I'm not funny anymore, and I'm gonna leave. No, let me. Can I have a couple of seconds to say goodbye to the audience?

Jay, I dig. I'd start digging.

That's what I would do.

All right, I'm back. No, I don't know what I would do on a deserted island. At first, I'd like walk around. I'd be like, please, for the love of God, tell me it's not deserted. And then I would start looking for food, right? I think that's the only thing you do, right?

Yeah, I guess so. But I mean, like, after we found food and stuff and we built houses and shit, what would everybody do on the island?

Oh, like if we were to start our own colony? Yeah. Now you're talking. See, bro, this is what— this is what That's why the podcast is so great, because one second I'm like, maybe we should lose Jason, and then I give you just a little more time and you really redeem yourself.

I'm trying.

All right, Jay, go. So yeah, what would we do on this island? Yeah, I think we'd all set up roles, right? I think that's what I would do. I don't think we'd like split up into two communities. I think we'd be one community.

I don't think—

why would we split up into two communities? I'm saying because sometimes when you're— sometimes when you're on deserted island, you just want to be alone with Ilya. I'm like, we definitely split up. Me and Ilya this way and everybody else that way. No, no, no, no, no, no, because sometimes when you're— sometimes when people are on an island, they freak out and they're like, you know, you know, like survivor shows where they get so mad at each other, like, fuck you, no, fuck you. Like, we would stay together, I know that, right? Okay, so now we got to the roles, what our roles would be. Ilya would be— would be hunting and gathering fish, fishing, like spearfishing.

It'd be—

it'd be like him, him and Natalie would go out to get stuff. Natalie would be the brains and Ilya would be the muscles. Okay, so Natalie would be like, why does she get The brains, because you're a dumbass.

So because you got a 43, so you got a 43% in trigonometry.

So Natalie would be like, toss that coconut at that tree, more coconuts will fall. And then Ilya will use his muscle and knock down all the coconuts. So that's what would happen. And then, and then me, what I would do is I'd make sure I'd make sure everybody's okay. So when Ilya and Natalie would come back, I'd go, how'd it go? And they'd go, good. I'd be like, thank God, I was worried about you. So I'm kind of the guy, I'd be the guy that sits back at home base and makes sure to worry about everybody. You can't do that. Why?

Why do you get to decide that you're sitting at home base? Why can't I sit at home base?

Because you're— you're muscles. You're muscular. What are you then? I'm just a weak guy who just wants to sit at home base. That was enough for you. Like, that makes sense.

What about Taylor? What would she do?

Taylor? Taylor. Okay, so Taylor would— Taylor would start to get branches together and build like a house.

Okay.

That would be Taylor's responsibility. And then your responsibility— yours would be the important— you'd be trying to figure out ways to signal the outside world. So you'd be the guy. So you'd be the guy. Yeah, you'd be the guy starting the fire on— you'd be the guy starting a fire on the beach that spells out SOS. Okay. But we get out, we get out there and it's just like, it's misspelled. It just says hi. It just says enjoy your vacation or enjoy your flight. So people fly by and be like, oh, it's nice on that island.

Why didn't you give me a job role?

Oh, shit. L or J? Is L on the island too?

Oh, yeah. I said—

Oh, fuck. My bad. L, you'd have the most important job on the island. Don't worry, Ella. You'd— marketing. Ella would run marketing.

Joe, I love you.

Oh, Joe doesn't have these podcasts anymore. Claudia, what's up? Claudia, thank you. Does Joe know that we're firing him yet? This is the last one we're sending him.

You know, there was just a second where he was like, uh-oh. It didn't last long.

But guys, that was a joke to our editor Joe, who listens to this. And sometimes we'll like leave him like, like our own little like things to say to him, like we're leaving voice messages.

Yeah, we'll just say hi to him during the podcast.

Joe, don't worry, you're not getting fired. Even though he probably wishes, because editing this is a bitch.

Remember all the college shows we did last year? Yeah. Colleges we went to.

Iowa State was my favorite. That was my favorite. Do you remember this at Iowa State?

Oh, and the girl in the car.

Huh?

Yeah, girl in the car.

That was Iowa State.

Hit me with your car. Yeah.

So good, bro. So funny. So we went to Iowa State. It's actually not even that funny, but like, now looking back at it, it's fucking hilarious. We went to Iowa State and we were filming like college bits. We were like, it was a really good day of filming. Everybody was down to film there. It was so fun. And these frat boys took us to their house. Yes. And there was a beer bong there. And I turned to Jason, I go, have you ever done a butt chug? And he goes, no. And the kids go, you've never done a butt chug? And they're like, dude, you got to do one. And I'm like, and obviously I'm like, fuck yeah, Jason, you got to butt chug. And Jason's like, I can't do it in front of these kids. Like, what's going on? So we told all the girls to leave and it was only like the 3 oldest looking guys. And we took them and Jason to the basement and we, and we, and we've kind of flipped Jason, put him on his back and we stuck it up his ass and we, and we put beer down his, down his I fucking forgot about this.

Yeah, I can't—

didn't make the video. No, and I cut out of the video because it was too gross. And the funniest part is, mid, mid butt chug, the fucking cops came. Oh yeah, the cops are knocking on the door. Yeah, and the police are here, and Jason's looking at me with his pants to his knees inside a college. Jason's looking at me, Jason's looking at me, he's like, what the fuck? The fuck do we do? I'm like, dude, it's fine, we're just gonna fucking walk out of here. Just do the butt chug.

We got a report of somebody butt chugging in here.

Yeah. So, so yeah, so we left. The cops are super nice. They're like, guys, there's too many people here, get out of here. And it was like— and we like built a crowd around us because we were trying to do this bit, right? So there's a lot of people outside of the house while you were butt chugging. It was just me, you, and like 3 college frat dudes.

That was really fun because we were just driving by. We saw like 3, like 6 people on lawn chairs in front of a house. And then David got out of the car and they were super nice and for like 20 minutes we had beers with them, we were having fun. But then eventually like 500 people came. Yeah, but it started from just, oh yeah, this crew of people just hanging out.

Yeah, it was literally like 5 kids just hanging out and then, and then everyone came and it turned into like this big like outdoor party and oh my God, yeah, that was fun. That was— and the temperature was great out too. Yeah, like it was like a perfect day for like, oh, that was fun.

Yeah. Hey, you know what's going on right under your nose?

Taylor and Elle are hooking up?

No, I don't know about that. Oh, but, uh, there's a big— there's a lot of play around here, a lot of, a lot of side deals being made. It's starting to get to be like these guys are like, hey, let's just not tell them and then it'll work out. You know, I— do you know that? Did you ever think you'd be that person?

Wait, why?

Did you ever think you'd be the boss where people are like not telling you things because if they involve you, you'll actually slow down the process? No, wait, wait, because that's what's happening. Like many times, and I'm not— I can't believe I'm only telling you this because I think it's a funny podcast topic. I probably should have kept my mouth shut. I love it.

Wait, wait, what's happening? Give me one. I just got what he said.

I just got what he said, but Jason shouldn't have said that.

Forget it, just end the podcast. Yeah, end it. We'll save it for next week.

No, no, give me an example.

Like just now, it just happened under your fucking nose.

What happened?

You—

it literally happened under your nose.

You didn't hear it.

What? Okay, well, Ilya said we have plenty for the podcast this week, so Ilya goes, why don't we just take a chunk of that and use it for next week? That way you guys aren't so pressed to make a podcast every week. And then I was like, that's such a great idea. And then Ellen and Natalie are like, let's just do it, don't even fucking tell them. She's sitting 2 feet from you, you didn't see it. Oh shit.

And then you tell me that we shouldn't do that, we should make a fresh podcast. I'm not putting leftovers in a new one.

Nobody knows. Nobody knows. It's the same shit every week, dog.

Wait, I'm so confused.

You don't want the extras to be put in the new one? No, dude, you know the rule. The vlog and should be the podcast is your best foot forward and nothing saved for later.

Oh, okay, Mr. Cheater.

Oh, fuck you. What does that even have to do with anything?

All right, best foot forward.

What'd you get for number 12? All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you to Ella, Taylor, Ilya, Natalie, and Jason Nash for all being here with us today. It was a pleasure. Go check out my Discovery show. It premieres Wednesday. This Wednesday, right? This Wednesday at 9 p.m. 9 p.m. Natalie, this Wednesday at 9 p.m. on Discovery. Make sure you go see it. Go check it out. Me, Hawk, and Aaron are the hosts of it. It's really, really fun. It's cool. See you guys there. My name is Jeff.